Lost the ability to be happy

Dear FutureMe, I realized today that I think I may have lost the ability to be happy. I never even realized that that could happen, but it dawned on me. I have been struggling internally so long to heal, to grow. never showing much of what was on the inside, putting on a brave face. But I truly don't feel like I can ever be happy again. There is nothing to look forward to, I can't think of a single thing that would make me happy. Yes I know it comes from the inside out, but I can't find it on the inside, though I have tried. I just feel so tired from trying to heal, so tired of feeling this way. I don't know if it is common or not, or if I am just beginning to lose my mind. I just...I don't know. I felt like I had to put it out there. I've never ever thought I couldn't be happy, just thought it needed some work. But today, I realize that I don't know if I can or will ever get there. I used to have content moments, they don't come anymore. It feels like the harder I try in my life, the more I mess things up. I have tried to follow my passion, to live my purpose, but when I do, I feel like I am doing ok for a while, even good, but then I feel like I start to screw things up and sometimes I don't know what I did, I just know it all comes crashing down. I feel like I am stuck in a pattern that I can't remedy and if I knew what I do wrong or how to fix it then I could but, I just can't figure it out. I don't think I sabotage myself or my efforts, unless it is subconscious, but then, I just don't know. Right now I just feel like I could crawl into a cave and never come out and it wouldn't matter, I could just crawl away and cry myself until I died. I just want to give up emotionally and mentally. I am so so tired. I have pulled myself back up so many times, I just don't know if I have the strength to do it yet again. It feels like too much has been piled up on me now. It feels like such a weight on me and I don't have anywhere to turn. I truly don't know how much longer I can keep fighting for my soul, for this life, it feels like a waste and I want so much to be a force of good, but if I cannot help myself, how can I ever be a force of good for anyone else? I feel...Just lost, alone and emotionally exhausted.