Future Me

Dear FutureMe, It is March 22, 2010. Right now, you are not doing so good. You are actually on the verge of breaking down any minute. This keeps happening every time the weather changes, or every time some one hurts you. Can't you hold it together? There are only about 11 weeks left of high school. There is this nervous anticipation of bittersweet nothingness that you are feeling inside your tummy. Everything is getting harder and more confusing. It's not like you do not try to make everything better, it just never does. You are still in love with Adam Daniels and now you have been for six years. Although this is an extremely long time to love someone unconditionally and not have them love you back, you are okay with it, because it's those nights that you do nothing but sit in the car for hours, or go see a movie that makes you both cry, or drive around Greensboro singing to the top of your lungs, or watching Disney movies, or just staying up to five in the morning talking on the phone about stuff you have already discussed five hundred times before. Those are the things that you will remember forever. Those things made you wonderfully happy, and I hope you do not ever lose that. Every time with Adam was basically the only times that you were happy. I know it is hard to let him go as you always thought it would be, but Wilmington and Campbell are not close and neither of you have ever tried to keep things up very hard. I know you have had to cry about this. You are actually crying right now at the thought of it, and there is this knot in your throat that is trying to force the tears away. Things are not looking up for you. The only thing positive is that you are getting away from this place -- the house on Ellisboro Road with black shutters and five cars in the drive way. You always wanted to leave there so badly, and now you are gone (hopefully). You are probably rooming with Samantha, I hope things are going well with that, she was always there for you when you needed her. Even though sometimes you took her for granted, she has always been there to lean on. She is what a true friend really is and I hope you remember that and help her whenever she needs you. I also hope that you are helping yourself. Helping yourself detach from that little old town where you're family still resides. If you haven't you probably never will. I also hope you are still planning to travel. Do not give that up. It's a big dream of yours and I know it would make you happy. I also hope that you are still connected with your inner self. This always helped you to understand a lot of what was going on with yourself. I also hope that you are continuing to help people. You were always good with that. And please stay away from people like Jacki Smith. She was never a true friend, only a wolf in sheep's clothing. She was never there for you and always talked about her self. That is also not who you want to be. You are stronger than that. I also hope that you are starting to make new friends. It was easy for you in high school, but you do have low self-esteem at times, which causes you to not branch out to people. Also, remember your family. Especially Jessica. They were good to you -- most of the time. Although, Brandy is probably with TJ now and you stayed mad at mom and dad, they did love you, and always wanted the best from you. Jessica was your best friend. Always there for the ride and the music and the laughs. You will never have a best friend like her. Keep her in mind and help her when she needs it, even if you are too busy and are in college, she can not do it on her own. And please do not loose the connection between you and her, she loves you and you know that. Also remember to smile. You always had such a wonderful smile and laughed all the time. Most people caught it as soon as you started and it brightened many people's days. Please also remember to not cry so much, or worry so much, or stress so much. It only brings pimples, tears, and pain. Nothing can help those very much. Just stay relaxed and ask for help. Do not ever let anyone tell you, you are not good enough. You know that you can make it. You did through 13 years of schooling. Just keep pushing yourself and know what you want out of life. I also hope that you keep up the ability you have to write. It's a wonderful thing and you love it very much. Also show a little pride it what you do, and do not let anyone walk all over you. It will hurt you, not them. You do not deserve to be hurt. Most importantly remember that you love yourself. Although you may be having the worst day of your life, you still love yourself. You love those little quirks about you that make you. Like that you have one dimple, or that you can forget really easily, or that you bite your nails too much, or that you have 5 million different laughs, and that you love with all of your heart. Do not let anyone break your heart. It hurts to much when it's a whole heart, much less when it is broke into. Just be careful with your feelings and with others feelings. Try not to be reckless or party too much, there will be no one there to stop you. Listen to your heart and head. Learn with your hands, eyes, and ears. Do not talk bad about anyone, it will only destroy you. And mostly just have fun. Life is too short to be sad all the time, and you spent a lot of your high school career being sad. It only made you cry and fret and second guess yourself. Please just believe in yourself, because even at age 18 you did. Continue to go where life takes you. Harly Nichole Goins