im hurt. but it's partly my fault. i'm really sorry!

Dear Mahal, I'm a little bothered by something that I inavertedly discovered a while ago. Awwww i really didn't mean to, but I did. So i guess I don't have any right to get upset. But I AM upset, and I feel guilty at the same time so there. Eh. The thing is, I can't really tell you because I don't know how. Something is bothering me (okay, I'll admit it, I'm more than a little bothered. I'm hurt!) and, well, I'm iffy about telling you because I would never have gotten hurt if I weren't so snoopy in the first place. Ganito kasi. It's 9pm today and I'm at SENCOR while you're at that interview somewhere in Port Area. You interview was supposed to be at 7:30pm but you were caught in rush hour traffic. Sooooooo..you asked me to email the HR person to tell her that you'll be late. You gave me your password and I wrote the email for you. And! And! Eeeeeeeeeee!!! I'm really sorry AND VERY EMBARASSED! about this but i looked around in your email account. I didn't mean to read stuff, really. I was just browsing through your inbox and was looking at the names. Then i looked through the sent items and looked through the names. Eh. Feeling ko kasi makukunsensya naman ako ng husto ko babasahin ko ang mga email ng girlfriend ko. Anyway. Your sent items didn't have a lot of stuff in it, and right there near the top were two emails that you sent to ofiser. I know what her name is, of course. You told me about her way back when we were friends. I got curious! I thought you weren't in contact anymore, and then I saw these emails sent just a few months ago! There were two emails. The first one was sent Jan 2 (yata, i don't remember) -- and I had no problem with it. It was a long email, telling her how sorry you were and how glad you were that she's saying hello again. And how you'd like to be friends. Eh. You also said that it was cathartic for you to be writing that email and I understand why. I mean, you've been telling people about her and I would like for you to get over the guilt and whatever it is that you're feeling towards her. But the second email. :-( Eh, it was just one line. You just said "are you available and would you like to go out tonight?" Duuuuuuuuude! One year na tayo nung niyaya mo syang lumabas. You asked her out?! And! And! I didn't hear anything about this! :-( Well? I would like to know (and please be honest with me): did whe reply? What did she say? Did you ever get around to going out with her? And if you did, how come you never said anything to me? Eh. I don't mean to imply that we should tell each other everything. It's just that when it's someone that we used to date, an ex, I would like for us to tell each other things. Like when we're back in contact or when we've started seeing each other again, or went back to being friends. Wala lang. It may not be such a big deal to you but it is to me. If it's not something that I should be worried about then it shouldn't be kept from me. Yun lang. It makes me worry when things are not out in the open like that. Insecure? Yes. You may call me that. But there it is. It bothers me more because you never told me that you asked her out. Actually, it bothers REALLY REALLY. That you never planned on telling me. So ayun. I would like to know if you DID go out. And I would like to tell you that it hurts me that you went out with an old flame without telling your girlfriend. IF YOU DID GET AROUND TO GOING OUT WITH HER. Hindi ko naman alam kung natuloy -- but when you get this email please tell me the truth na lang. Oh. And what's with the craigslist ads? You were still posting ads and looking for people even after we got together. Ye, i snooped around some more after i found out about ofiser. Eh. It's not an issue really. Nagulat lang ako. I thought you were busy! Well then. Lemme tell you that I am now curious (about craigslist) and will now start posting ads myself. Bleh. I'm not accusing you of flirting or looking for another girlfriend. And that's not what I'm gonna do at craigslist either. Wala lang. Just people to email with -- bec im going to assume that that's all you do as well. Look for friends and email buddies and maybe meet up. AND MAYBE TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND ABOUT THEM! I guess the question is, why do you feel the need to NOT tell me? I'm sure you don't just forget all the time. I mean, we tell each other things! Even the size of our shit sometimes. why? why? why? Yun lang tumatakbo sa utak ko. Bakit naisip mo na wag na lang sabihin sakin. Did you suspect that i'll stop you? Ngunit hindi ko naman gagawin yun kung kaibigan lang ang gusto mo. It all boils down to this: i get bothered more when i know that it was kept from me. whatever it is. if it isn't a big deal then it should have made our kwento sessions. yun lang. Aaaaaaaaand yes. I'm hurt. ----------------------------- Mahal, I apologize for snooping around. It was foolish, and childish, and immature and a little psycho. I don't usually do these things because I believe in privacy -- yes, even in committed relationships. It was just so tempting because I was already inside the inbox. But that is not an excuse and i'm really really sorry. I do realize that there is no excuse for what I did. And if you get mad at me, or want to yell at me because I looked through your email then I'll take it. But please talk about my issue afterwards. Because i got bothered and it made me wonder if there are bigger things that you're still keeping from me. I do realize that I started this. Hindi naman ako nasasaktan kung hindi ako nangialam diba. Pero eto na tayo. Nakita ko na, bothered na ako. I need..uh, i guess i need talking to. And assurance. Mahal, I hope this doesn't make you leave me. :-( Ye, I'm paranoid about that too. I respect your privacy. I do!!! This was a lapse in judgement. And I admit that it was wrong. And it won't happen again. I'm sorry. :-(