Hello self, it's you/me from the past.

Dear FutureMe, Hello! I am doing this thing again because I think it's a good idea. It was nice reading the first one I did, and I told my housemate about it just now and she said I should do another one and I'd been meaning to do it anyways so I was like yea why not now. Also I just drank some Kahlua and coconut rum so I'm pretty much down for whatever at the moment. I would say, "you're probably ___ right now," but honestly, I have absolutely no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing when I see this again. That's how much I know about myourself. I hope you're doing alright though. I hope you're getting closer to where you want to be. Also I really really hope you've been able to afford and go through top surgery by this point because seriously, I am so done with having these things on my body and my ribcage is so done with having the shit squeezed out of it for hours and hours every single day. Related: I hope you don't have permanent organ damage (sorry, yo). Okay so real talk. Right now I'm kinda in a weird place in life. I've been on testosterone for about 11 months now (though there was a month recently where I wasn't on it because of the shortage but also because of my own laziness/needle anxiety), and overall I'm pretty happy with the changes it's brought into my life. I guess I'm pretty lucky - before starting T, the changes I was most hoping for/looking forward to were the lower voice, downstairs growth (wink wink nudge nudge blah whatever), and body fat redistribution/increased muscle mass/body shape change in general, and I was also hoping that I wouldn't get too hairy. It actually creeps me out a little, honestly, that that's basically exactly what's been happening. It's like...too much of a coincidence. It's super weird to me (in a good way that I'm happy about, but it's still super weird) that I've only gotten slightly more hairy, when everyone else with a moderately hairy dad is already Skunkape by this point. I'm pretty relieved...but this isn't new information or anything. Whatever. I'm trying to switch over to a different doctor at the moment (for testosterone) because my current one's crew are being greedy asshats and refusing to write me the letter they promised they'd write me when I first met them unless I buy surgery from them, which is super fucked up and also not going to happen ever. It makes me super mad and it's literally fucking up my life. No letter means no gender marker change on my documents, which means (aside from all the other weird/awkward/problematic/bs/dangerous/legally not-good issues it could lead to) I can't even begin to apply to teach English in Korea, which I've been trying and failing to do for the same reasons (Korea just doesn't like trans people, kay?) for the past year and a half. I've been trying to get over there by January, but at this point its just not going to happen. There's just not enough time, even if things move as quickly as they can from this point on. I still have to talk to Jeremy about it though... Speaking of Jeremy, we're living together right now in this house with a couple other people (we've been together since he moved back here almost a year ago), but he just told me tonight that he'll probably be moving into his own place starting in December so he can get enough sleep, because right now he's on a totally different sleep schedule from the rest of his house because of his job, and not being able to get to sleep when he needs to is fucking him up. But real talk...I'm kinda okay with it. I feel like a horrible person typing this, and I haven't actually told anyone I feel this way, but I feel like we've been growing apart. I still care about him immensely and he is still a very important part of my life (I mean, 3 years is a pretty substantial amount of time), but lately I've just been feeling like things have changed, and I feel really conflicted, because I don't want him out of my life, and I really can't imagine what it would be like without him, but I also feel like there's just too much conflict and tension, and like we're just drifting apart. I'm also scared because I don't know how much the testosterone is affecting my emotional experiences, like if I'd feel differently if I weren't on it - but then, being on it isn't something that's making me a different person than who I "really" am, it IS who I really am. It's not an outside force altering some objective, "real" version of me, this IS me. This IS who I am. It is part of me. It is who I'm supposed to be. I don't know. I've been feeling very mixed up. Very Isolated. I didn't mean to capitalize "Isolated" but I'm keeping it that way because it seems appropriate. I have been feeling very, very isolated. I still work at the same damn pastry store, and I'm usually the only one working during my shifts. I serve entitled muggle after entitled muggle and some of them are nice or okay, but some are just so obliviously oppressive and so oblivious to their privilege and sliminess, and some of them just stare at me. Just stare, without giving a single fuck. And I'm alone for hours, and then I come home and Jeremy has to go to sleep for work. And then I wake up in the morning and Jeremy leaves for work, and I wake up and spend the next few hours alone, trying to motivate myself to accomplish all the things that I want/need to accomplish, which sometimes works but occasionally kinda doesn't, then I go to work and am again an isolated vending machine for hours, and then I come home, lather, rinse, repeat. I want to break out of it. There are so many things I want to do, but then I feel like there are so many things holding me back, including myself. The weight of everything GENDER is sometimes just so much, and it's been making me feel nauseous. I need to spend less time on the internet. I see so much transphobia/cissexism and misogyny/transmisogyny and racism and classism and everythingism and it just immobilizes me until I don't know who I am or what I am or what I want or what to do and that's not what I want. I feel held back by that and by my own timidness, my own silly anxieties about being proactive and taking initiative, at least with things that will pay off in the long run but won't give me any immediate sense of accomplishment or show any immediate payoff. I want to get over that. I want to be more responsible. I feel held back by society and its bullshit. I feel held back by my current living situation. I feel held back by my lack of privacy and resources. I need to suck it up, basically. just punch a hole in some wall. I need to hit some point where I can make something big happen. I need some kind of catalyst. But I can't just wait for it. I need to make it happen. Which is only complicated by the Korea plan...the thing is, with all the bullshit in the way of me getting there, I almost don't want to try anymore. Part of the reason I'm still trying, though, is actually just that I don't want this to become just another instance of me being dead-set on accomplishing something, and telling the whole world that I'm 100% sure I'll accomplish it, but then ending up just not doing it. I cannot stand that thought. I hate it more than almost anything in the world. When I think about that I want to puke. I'm already tiny, if I keep saying I'm going to do things and then not doing them, how the fuck is anyone ever ever going to take me seriously ever. I'd be lying to myself and the rest of the world. I'd be the boy who cried Korea. It makes me sick. And it also makes me sick that it's such a dumb, petty reason, yet I give it so much weight in my current life decisions. If I just didn't care about that, it would be fine. Jeremy would go off to Korea, and I'd miss him and be jealous, but if I just accepted that it wasn't going to happen for me, I could just start working on doing what I want to be doing with my life. I could start working toward creating a safe space for queer people that served as a cafe/bistro/foodwhatever, a meet-up spot for support groups, a place for realizing creative/artistic visions, and at night, a bar/club type space where people can meet up, dance, relax, socialize, whatever, without being oppressed by shitty non-ally cishet people. That's really what I've been realizing more and more that I actually want to do with my life. I mean, I really want to go teach in Korea too, but at this point it's starting to feel more and more just like a big scary obstacle I'm being pushed into confronting without really knowing how to do it, or if it would be worth the time and effort to go through whatever I need to go through to make it happen. I don't know, future me, I could use a hug right now. From someone who knows I feel all these things. I just want to tell all this to someone I trust, who isn't involved in any of it, and I just want them to tell me it'll be okay, and they believe in me, and I can do it, and then give me a big hug. But I don't have that person right now, so I'll just have to be that person for myself. It's okay, me. I believe in you, me. You are smart and talented and competent and resourceful and capable and no less valuable than any other person, and I love you. And that goes for you too, future self. You can do it. Keep pushing forward, remember what's important to you, and remember how great it is just to be alive (seriously, how amazing is that?). You deserve to be happy, and I am rooting for you. Passing on the message from 2011-me, "don't be too hard on yourself, kay?" Hwaiting~~