Congratulations, Future Self

Dear Future Self, Congratulations! You have completed the school year. On this rainy day in April, there is nothing you desire more than to laze about in the summer heat for countless hours, reading and swimming and making fun of people, since those are generally your three favorite things, excluding salsa and the color green. I hope that you have done reasonably well on your finals, although I doubt you will because you have a serious issue with procrastination which allows you to never do anything correctly ever. I hope that you enjoy this lovely summer, which you have been longing for during these nine, treacherous months of school. I also hope that you get a shitload of SAT stuff to do over the summer since your average is already made of fail. Otherwise I will come back and beat you with a stick. You also need to start swimming like a majillion and a half laps a day, and get yourself a dang job. I'm hoping that you have one by this point. If not, I may have to kill you. I will do that by creating a time traveling device that will send you backwards so that I can come forwards as myself during this very moment in time and kill you. I will use a very large machete. It will be glorious. Then, I will go back to when I am in this point in time and just continue going back wards until I feel it suitable that I have change your life enough so that 1) I can permit you to continue on in your sad, sorry life, and 2) you have yourself a summer job. I also know that there was a wizard rock concert that took place recently at the Franklin Library, one of the greatest places in the world. Do not become discouraged if you were not permitted to attend, your world will still be full of magic as the sixth Harry Potter movie premiere approaches. I know it's sad that the fandom seems to be quickly rapping up, and that all your nine years of solid dedication seem to be wallowing away, but I am confident that you will find something to obsess over soon. Or, maybe you'll get a life. Either one would be great. You should remember that at 3:08 on April the Twelfth, 2009, you had an intense hankering for M &M's and Applebee's mac and cheese, two of worlds finest creations. You should also know that there is currently a singing exterminator in your bathroom, which can be kind of scaring at times. I hope you enjoy Gossip Girl tonight, as it is the best of trashy television and you enjoy it thoroughly. I also hope that you are not torturing yourself about the Office, because I'm sure craziness ensued on the season finale. It will be okay, the one good thing about the eminent begin of school is that the Office will return and you will once again be able to enjoy the endless shenanigans of Jim Halpert, Michael Scott and Dwight K. Schrute. Also, Tracy Jordan is kickass. Keep each other safe, keep the faith. -Former Self