A heart broken letter from December 24th, 2015

Dear Future me, If you receive this letter, I am glad you're alive. I am writing this letter to share my agony with you as I have no one left in my life who can actually understand my pain and what I am going through. All I want to do right now is to scream, as loud as I can. So, I am writing my heart out. I hope when you receive this letter, you have survived from this pain and are living a healthy, satiable and peaceful life. I wish I could write this to my past self and hence would have saved myself from all this misery. Love is said to be a beautiful thing which transforms a person and introduces him to new perspectives, a person discovers himself when he is in love. But all I got from falling in love is this intense pain, teary nights and broken soul. I wish you are with the right person now and you have all your peace of mind unlike me. Every night I either cry myself to sleep or I am awake texting him, pleasing him by writing what he wants to hear and agreeing to all he says to avoid any probable disputes so that we both can concentrate on our respective aims and I can get some peace of mind. If I ever come out of this affair, I swear I will never fall in love again. Love is like alcohol, it gives you pleasure momentarily but ruins you internally sip by sip. And in my case, it don't even give me pleasure anymore. Its not that I didn't try talking things out with him. Each time I did,,I made it worse. I even tried leaving him a couple of times but ended with falling even more. Whenever I am alone I imagine myself battling with my own soul. Punching, beating, thrashing it out for the sake of keeping him happy. And my weary soul calling my name and asking me to save it before its too late. I didn't know when I fell in this viscous trap which has ruined the best of men for ages. I really used to be a strong headed girl. Now, I want my life back, my freedom, my happiness, myself. The thing which I have realized so far from this relationship is that Its better to be alone with your miseries than to be with another person and make him suffer too and in return multiply your sufferings. Each day he reminds me how much he suffers due to my miseries. It makes me feel hell bound. I am laden with an unavoidable guilt and its like a slow poison which is eating me from inside. Now, I really want to come out of this feeling. I want to relive my life. I am going to talk to him about it tonight. I really love him but I cannot harm my soul anymore. Wish you are a happy version of me. Yours, Heart-broken, love sick past.