I have no balls (literally and metaphorically)

Dear slightly biggerish Jules, Just got a letter from past me, exactly one year ago: "Dear me, I love you. Do you still love me? Love, Me" My reply: More than ever =] Anywoo, I've been a coward lately. I find myself telling my closest friends less and less, which is crap because we tell each other everything. This is because I'm feeling stuff I know I really shouldn't feel and I don't really wanna so A) acknowledging it makes it more real and B) I don't wanna admit to being this horrible terrible no good very bad person. Things I haven't been entirely verbal about and really should be more: 1- I gave Randy head the night he asked me out, aka the first night I really hung out with him, second time I ever saw him. It was my first time ever giving head. 2- I dry humped Mike Cocca. I let it slip before that I'd dry humped in general, and apparently I'd never mentioned that before? Someone was like, "Who?" and another replied, "Randy, duh. Right?" So I agreed and got it out of the way cause I suck at talking about myself and hate talking about myself and ect. 3- I didn't keep up my grades last semester and got my scholarship reduced. I told Pat and Kathryn cause neither of them realize how big a deal this is/ don't care as much as Ms. JJ will. Or my mom will. God I don't wanna tell her. 4- I'm sometimes a lot of the time not all that into Pat. Cause he's indecisive and a push-over and as type-B as I am, which doesn't work when we can't decide what to do and he's like, "Whatever you want" cause that's MY line, and I'm always down for anything too. He insists on paying for everything, and on the few occasions I finagle myself into paying he gets the worst puppy dog face and makes me feel horrible about it. He's gallant in that he insists on being "the man": paying, driving, ect, all of which I find a little sexist. In fact, I'd really only like him to decide what to do, in the area of general man's chores, the rest I'm more than fine without. He's a push-over, and I know pretty much without doubt that if he was unhappy with me he wouldn't break it off, just keep going on and stringing me along till I went along with it. I feel like he likes me because I'm hot and for no other reason. Randy was head-over-heals crazy about me, decided he was in love with me after one frickin' month. And I think I really really miss that. 5- I think I still might sorta kinda have feelings for Randy, hard as I try to get over him, much as I try to deny it. I can't believe I just admitted that. Ugh I'm pathetic. I know he was horrible for me. I know my friends hated him. I know I said specifically I wanted to be just friends. I can't even say why I like him. At all. I probably just liked being liked. I'm probably just an attention whore. Maybe I don't still love myself after all. ... LIES! Above all else, I love myself. I'm banging and I'm shy and awkward but nice enough with decent morals and good self-esteem. I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser. 6- I have been hacking Jackie's myspace and looking at his. I did this after we broke up three times, and had to delete both my myspaces to stop myself from doing this because I realized it was self-destructive. I stopped this entirely after he texted me and I said I couldn't be more than just friends. It was a horrible thing, it made me feel horrible after. Self-destructive. Bad. Did it three times the past two days. I get hang-ups and decide they're him. Spazz out. PMS, get moody about Pat being weird, always leads back to Randy. God, I'm worse than Melissa. If it takes me a year to get over this kid I'm gonna kill myself. Bitch stole my fuckin' closure, but I can grapple it back if I hafta. This is long. This is whiny. This is my catharsis. Hopefully, I will have straightened this shit out by the time I get this next year. Hopefully, I will have told all my friends these things. Hopefully, I will be happily dating Pat 'cause he's an amazing guy (even though all the main things I worried about with Randy (cheating, drinking, failing at life) hold true to Pat, only Pat doesn't like me as much as Randy did and so is more likely to regress. No. Randy pushed his ex-girlfriend when he was drunk. I don't care if he hated her. I don't care if he was wasted and she was annoying. She's a girl and that is beyond beyond beyond bad.) I will be better. This is clearing my head. Tomorrow, I will call Mute Hangup Friend. It's a Caldwell number. I'll be like, "Who's this?" they'll be like, "Harry Bob Smith," I'll be like, "I've been getting hangups from this number," they'll be like, "Sorry, it's a wrong number." End of story. I will be happy. Even if Pat doesn't work out, the right person for me is out there somewhere somewhere somewhere, and if I never find him I will like to be ninety-two and a happy batty old cat lady. Okay. Bed, poop. Stop obsessing over what wasn't and isn't and live in what is or will be. Loving advice from a stretched-out and confused lil Jules