A letter from July 27th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, I was getting married on this date. I saw this guy on Jeevansathi aroundlast week of January, Income dekhi and Jaipur ka hai yeh dekha to socha ki maybe things might work and tick ker diya. Tick toh ker diya but first word nikla kaala bhil hai and then I reply bhi aa gaya. Funny the way things were working lag raha tha baat kerne mein acche log hai no atttiude and all. Finally i saw him on 21st Feb Ghar var accha laga log acche lage but that guy looked so bad, but at the same time he said a few things that I got impressed by him. But his looks were bad I didnt want to answer in positive. Then nobody asked me I felt a certain sense of relief, kabhi kabhi lagta tha sub thik hai agar wo puchenge to kya bolungi haan bolne ka mann nai tha but lag raha the meri shadi ho ho jayegi toh sub khush ho jayenge yaha par sub thik dikh raha hai, but anyways i was happy ididnt have to answer, then 26 Feb paasa palat gaya wo ladka milne aa gaya, uss din toh samaj hi nai aa raha tha kya baat keru kuch tha hi nai pucchne ko, I was unprepared for him. Now the problem was jo baat keri humne usse bhi woh thik laga mere type ka. Surat aaye i knew dad doesnt like him so Iwas relieved, I dont have to answer this bcoz ididnt want to say yes, they called back and again things were misunderstood that he has a nice behaviour but actually he never got my number thats the reason he messaged me after a few days. We talked and he is a smoothtalker no doubts about that. Plus there was this pressure of going to indore, mujhe mann nai tha jaane ka bhagwan ko bola indore ka cancel ho sakta hai kya, toh main idhar haan ker deti hu, aise circumstances the k pressure ho gaya tha age ho gayi hai, and abhi rishte itne hai saamne and ya is mein thoda dum tha but i was not satisfied uski shakal itni buri thi k FB par dekh dekh k mann ko mana rahi thi but mann nai tha. End mein socha shakal dekh dekh k sahan ho jayegi baaki sub toh accha hai, but still keep a chance I could say a no, fir I went to God and Iknow thodi si chize forced thi apne aap nai ho rahi thi butI was making it hapen, i jus thought if ssomebody asks me today i should say yes or no i will say yes today and he asked me so isaid i should say yes, but uski shakal, i swear i didnt see his face when he came to surat cos i was not liking him. When things were fixed we went out next day I came to know a lot of things, he was a flamboyant person and i was typically boring girl. I thought we both might match up somewhere in between, he told me he doesnt do it, its only out of necessity for biz puprpose nothing else. I believed him. I was not happy I have to talk to him ek bandhan aa gaya tha responsibilty ho gayi thibadi mushkil se he smoothtalked and settled my mind k main usse shaadi ker sakti hu, and that was what i wanted from a guy that he need to do all the forcing and explaining marrying is good. And he did, and he was trying to keep me happy but mom didnt like that i should talk to him thik hai baat kerni kum ker di Mujhe itna farak nai pada, mujhe shauk bhi nai tha baat kerne ka. maine apni feelings fir daba li i wanted to say i want to talk him more and meet him so i could know that person so, I wanted be carelessly happy but no not possible. Then things were not working at the parents side then this guy wanted a few a things which i didnt like but i tried for him and i didnt like it. Gadbad yaha se start hui from my Bday cos i was completely mad i wanted to do all the worst mistakes of my life on my 30th Bday maine socha bhagwan galti kerne de, sikh jaungi, Sikh gayi. Duniya jaaye bhad mein let me live with the person i m planning to live with But then things werre not happening good between us. Doubts create ho gaye and sub jhamela. i KIND OF LIKE HIM BUT HAD DOUBTS AND I DIDNT LIKE HIM AFTER A CERTAIN POINT THEN PATA NAI KYA HUA SOCHA SHADI KERKE KHATAM KERU. I SHOULLD BE DARING ENOUGH TO TRY NEW THINGS THAT WAS THE ONLY REASON I WAS MARRYING HIM NOT COS I LIKED HIM. MAYBE IT MIGHT BE GOOD FOR ME AND MAYBE NOT. THEN LAGA JAB MOM DAD KHUSH NAI HAI AND EVEN M NOT SATISFIED SO Y M I MARRYING HIM THEN HIS ANSWER MADE ME CRY I THOUGHT HE COULD NEVER BE THE RIGHT GUY BUT I HAD MOMENTS AND THINGS THAT I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM AND AT THE SAME TIME I KNEW HE IS NOT RIGHT FOR ME I MIGHT NEVER BE HAPPY WITH HIM HIS GUSSa HIS ATTITUDE AND ALL. THEN THINGS CAME OUT ABOUT HIM PROB MUJHE BUS YEH THI KI CHODDO KYU HUM KISI K BAARE MEIN AUR BHI BURA SOCHE. I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR HIM SO I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING FROM HIM. I DONT KNOW MUJHE PEHLE SE HI PATA THA EK FEELING THI JO BHI LADKA BHAGVAN NE MERE LIYE BANAYA HOGA WO BHT BIGDAVA TYPE KA HOGA AND THIS FEELING HAS BEEN INSIDE MR FOR YEARS, SO I NEVER FELT BAD, KEHTE HAI NUH HUM JO BHI SOCHTE HAI HUMARA PAAS WAHI AATA HAI. MERE SATH BHI YEHI HUA BHAGAVAN MUJHE WO SUBKUCH DIYA JO MERE MANN MEIN THA and i never BUT FACT YE BHI WHEN I NEEDED MY MOM I WAS MOST AFRAID OF TELLING THINGS TO MOM I DONT KNOW WHY BUT UNKE GUSSE SE MAIN THAK CHUKI THI I WAS DONE AND OVER WITH HER GUSSA MERI CAPACITY NAI THI. Mere zindaigi mein itna darr k kabhi nai jee jitna in 3 4 mahine darr k ji rahi thi. there were so many things i was afraid , main itna roti thi that i nobody knows, except that guy main uske saamne itna royi hu that i know any guy wud leave me. So no hard feelings for him hum dono ne ek dusre k sath kharab kiya, in fact i made him cry also at a time or two. i jus hope when i read this letter i wud be happy for me. i still dont have these depressed feelings i wont like to read it that day these things but i might learn from my mistatkes. i will write another nice good letter to myself for that day. with all the good things I WAS AT THEW WORST POINT OF MY LIFE JAB GUSSA NAI PYAR CHAHIYE THA AND MOM SE PYAR AUR SHANTI KI UMID NAI THI MUJHE