A long letter to nowhere

Well, I saved a lot of words during these 2 weeks, but maybe no, not only 2 weeks, maybe I saved these words during my whole life because you seemed to be the one who I can actually address what I have in my heart, these feelings. Well in every period of our lives when we have feelings or kind of tension towards someone we think that he is the right one, he is the one who’ll be one and the only. But the time passes and water flows and we can see how everything changes. Lovers into nobody, friends into enemies and memories into dust that is blown away and scattered above the mountains of our current problems. I’m realizing that I don’t want to write you because I need to talk to you, to feel you in a present time, here and now, to feel the reaction, to feel what is really here and what is only pretended to be, what is somebody just only wants to be and it’s now actually exists. It’s not a challenge to feel better, I mean positive, emotions, it’s just about lying to yourself, self-delusion. Of course I need you right now, to feel your touch, to embrace you when I meet you, to hold your hand when we are walking along the street and I enlace my hand around your waist while you being taller than me put your hand on my shoulder. I want to smell you scent because for sure it’ll comfort me, make me calm or turn me on. I can see how I’m falling asleep on your shoulder after we made love and it is certainly one of the most wanted things in my life now. Well there always comes But.. So but instead of continuing experiencing better emotions we distract ourselves with different methods. We are coming back to what we call our real life with broken hearts, aloof friends and unfaithful exs and all the special and numerous words that I was told disappear. I was wound up at first while I didn’t even claim for something and I could’ve been so calm and have thought about it as a great romantic story of my life but no you sowed such a hope and longing into my soul to make true of a picture you drew for me. Why couldn’t we just frame ourselves like friends and it’d be more logical that we don’t speak, we don’t see each other, we just type, like machines, robots, form time to time, when I just have it or if I don’t, if I have better business like smoke a weed or take some shit, to pee or kick ass of some dude, well if I just have nothing better than spitting to the ceiling, well probably I’ll write you. Thanks a lot! It won’t work. I thought I found some way but it appeared to be another dead end that I walked into totally unprepared and not ready.