A letter from November 13th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, It's been how long? 10 years? Right. 10 years of trying to prove something to everyone. No one ever supported the things I liked. From College Degrees, talents and efforts. You even tried to live independently. You tried to stick of what you believed, earned by means of doing what you are capable of. You even supported yourself in college, and didn't mind that you are already too old to go to college. You hid your illness from them, all the medicines , you provided them by yourself. You don't want to ask even a single penny from them, and i was proud of it. There were ups and downs in your life, where you little business was so unstable. And your relatives and even your family, even not morally supported you. You were really really determined to show them that you were not in this world to live up to their expectation. And still, after 10 years, up to this moment writing this letter for myself, the pressure continues...i am losing my confidence.. it feels like, i am standing on an edge of something that is really, really high. Consumed by this burden. That sometimes, i wanna take a step forward while closing my eyes crying while saying , "sorry if i was a failure". Sorry if I never did the things you wanted for me, Sorry if i was never been a good child. Sorry if i never became the person you dreamed to be. Lastly, for my one and only love of my life. I knew, i was not a good boyfriend to you. I hurt you, I made you cry, I lied to you, I broke my promises to you. If there's one thing good i was, is that, i was **** loyal to you. That my heart only beats to you and will never beat for anyone else. And God knows, I love you so much that it pains me seeing myself hurting you. I was a jerk. I am very sorry. So i am writing this letter, who knows if i will be able to see my letter. I don't know what will happen later. Live. Die. or Continue to struggle.