A letter from February 14th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, I've been sitting on this and trying to think of what to write for weeks now without ever getting it done. Its on my to-do list today though and I'm trying this new thing where I actually try to keep promises to myself as much as I try to keep them to other people. So here we go. I just turned 25 the other week, isn't that wild? A whole quarter century. And a few days ago Kieran and I celebrated being together for a year. And today is actually my 8 month anniversary of living in Canada. So yeah, theres a lot happening right now. And its all getting me feeling real reflective. I mean, I just think about how crazy and unpredictable the last few months, or even the last few years of my life have been and how significantly they've shaped me into who I am now. I mean, I look back on the person I was even 2 or 3 years ago and the growth is astronomical. Like, I graduated uni just over 2 years ago as this 23 year old who was stressed as hell about "success" and struggled to stand up for herself and never took risks. My plan was to finish honours, go straight on to do my masters, and immediately get a stable job in my field and save for a house. First of all, PSYCH(no pun intended)!! Secondly, that sounds so boring, good call 23 year old me on not applying for masters purely out of being stressed and overworked. I was technically meant to have finished my masters degree right now. And instead I totally bailed on that path (for now at least), worked full time at the casino for a while, got my heart broken, partied a bunch like I should have done before but was way too focussed on my uni and success to give myself that freedom, and went on my solo trip. And so far it feels like thats changed literally my entire life course. Its like, navigating the world on my own for so long just gave me this whole new lease on life and I felt so empowered and strong and confident and honestly just a straight up bad *****. But mostly I just really understood for once that literally nothing in life matters except health and happiness, you know? And I don't feel so anxious about traditional notions of "success" because that doesn't equal happiness anymore, and I don't care so much about what other people think about where I am in life so long as I love where I am. I just feel so much more ME and confident in my skin and capable of doing and withstanding anything, you know? And more than anything I am so much more ok with things going wrong in life because after 7 months of things going drastically wrong constantly the number one thing I realised about life was that things going wrong always leads to something great. Things just always work out in the end, you know? And just like that, things went wrong in my family and they somehow led me to this perfect person in Vietnam of all places. This guy who makes me feel a way that I didn't even think existed. And he told me he loved me while we laid in our hostel bed filled with sand after we'd just survived that boat ride and while Rob slept 2 beds away and I felt like I was going to just burst right open ("I thought I was going to die today and I thought 'if this boat goes down what will I regret', and I was like probably not telling this girl I love her"). Anyway, and now I live here. In Canada. With the guy I honestly believe is like, my soulmate if we're pretending that I believe in that sort of thing. And its the middle of winter right now and its snowing everywhere and Kieran just taught me how to skate at the local rink last night. And I work with kids spreading awareness about mindfulness and self regulation and just dancing and laughing and I can't believe I get paid for it? Like sure I BARELY get paid but still. $17 is $17 am I right? And we live in this tiny ******* basement apartment with no natural light and no space to do anything but its perfect. And I'm so happy. Truly the happiest I've ever been in my life, even with the homesickness and missing my people and the whole minimum wage thing. I'm just at peace or something. I have an incredible partner and I'm literally living in another country working like the BEST job ever where I essentially get paid to muck around all day while also still feeling like I'm doing something important and I come home to so much love and affection and I've met such precious friends. I guess I'm just feeling very grateful right now. Maybe I'll send another one of these later and talk a bit more about the bad things, like the homesickness, or feeling distant from the girls back home, or the miserable cold and gray and claustrophobia of the winter here, or how I'm constantly stressed about the future of Kieran and I's relationship in terms of whether one of us will have to make a huge sacrifice or whether that decision is too big to make and we won't work out. And then theres the whole thing with the family and how I don't know how I feel because I'm a stupid gal who hasn't gone to therapy yet even though its very obvious I have some things I need to address and I don't know if my relationship with dad will ever fully recover but its FINE OK I'M NOT ANXIOUS, YOU ARE. But that seems like an email for another time. Hopefully I'll be able to book some god**** therapy this next month because YA GIRL just got her OHIP card biiitch. Practically a fully fledged canadian by now. Anyway! I think how I want to end this email is to write a little bucket list of things I hope to have achieved by the time I read this again. Maybe I'll look back and feel really accomplished for having done them. Maybe I'll just realise I've changed a lot and so have my dreams and values. Who knows. But for what its worth here they are: - I don't want to give up my dreams of travelling more extensively. I want to go backpacking again, or get a van and road trip around Australia. I just want to have taken as many opportunities as possible to travel and see the world. - On a less fun note, come to terms with what happened in the family and learned to deal with it in a way that doesn't cause me to have random panic attacks, or feel perpetually anxious. I just want to have acknowledged it, and figured out where I stand/how I feel about it, and have re-established my relationships in a way that serves me best. - Honestly girl, I may be premature on this one considering its only been ONE YEAR but you better have Kieran locked tf down thats all I'm saying - I want to have found a solid job doing something I honestly care about, and figured out at least for the most part what I want to be when I grow up - And you know, no pressure but are we buying a house or??? Thats it. And just, be happy. Practice gratitude for what you have, show the people in your life how much you love them and don't let them forget it. Treat yourself. Breathe. In the words of that reminder I made Siri recall back to me when I was super drunk that one time "I'm a bad ***** and I can be whoever the hell I want to be". And in the words of 18 year old me filming a motivational video for her sober self while practically passing out on the toilet out on her first time clubbing "I love you, and I'll always be there for you". I love ya biiitch. I aint ever gon stop loving you, biitch. (Also I'm lowkey stoned rn) (still love myself tho) Peace out girl scout xo