Public, but Anonymous

Dear Daniel, This is the first of many FutureMe letters, so prepare Yourself. Hopefully you have not had the urge to sign into this account and edit or delete what you have started... you're doing this to learn from your mistakes... and you're making an effort to write as if to address yourself because... well, it will read better. But that is weird so I am going to stop doing it. I guess I should post the date and time, it's September 18, 2010 2:02PM. And I am going to set this to auto send a year from now. You're about to do what you do best, and that is talk about something else, as if going off on a tangent. Hopefully you and I know that there is a purpose for talking about other things, and I'm just reminding you that this is not Random. I guess I am starting off by wondering if I will forget Everything. I doubt it, but I don't know about the Future. It's weird because I obsess about the Future most of the time; so writing to myself is hard. I wonder if you'll figure it out, because I think you will. The hard part is I am like you and so I'm wondering if I am going to actually set this to send. It's hard for me to write because I don't want to remind myself of why I am doing this, and what if you remember? Plus, you haven't worked to improve your writing to be more descriptive. I guess I will do that now. I guess in a way I am writing with an audience, this is going to be public, and most importantly I am going to be reading it some time in the Future. I am showing that I am giving this some thought, and care how I will be affected. I'm at my Dad's right now, and I guess I will begin writing backwards, and for as long as I can because when I start writing I tend to stop at a Moment's notice for what reasons I don't know. And I don't know if I should use names. I can tell you that you came back home to LA because of a girl, and writing this part is hurting you, but you're trying your best to keep writing because that's all you can do. You know you shouldn't call her, and calling her won't make a difference, it wouldn't be right to call her... and now you just got the urge to save this in case the browser decides to erase all you've written, and you're going to add this to your endless blogs, journals, emails, and notes. And in that moment you thought about calling her, this thought is constant and you're thinking of how minutes are now feeling like hours... and days are going to feel like months and months are going to feel like years. You're in Pain, your wrists are burning from stress, or typing, your chest aching probably because your heart is tied in knots, beaten, scarred, and wounded. You keep thinking about what good is it to call her, what good is it to know what you don't want to know. You're learning how to be Patient. You're learning how to give her Space. And you're learning how to let go, and begin letting her go because it is for the Best. Let's face you're hurt because you feel used. I am going to stop there because all this does hurt. I don't even know if I should be setting this email to remind myself of all this Pain? It took 5 years for me to start Loving again. Five years. It is hard to think about but I can't help myself but to think this way. And the reason I am writing in this FutureMe box is because when I write in a word processor, I lack the courage to actually set this to send. But I am annoyed by the fact that I have to copy and paste every damn addition to this email and I'm getting tired Thinking. I think to much. And it's hard to write to myself. I usually write to others. You know this. I know this. That's why this whole paragraph conversation type style of writing is even going on, I am having trouble dealing with myself and I wish this weren't so because I want to be normal, I want to be stable, I want to move on already and I don't have Patience for myself. I need to Learn to Love myself and have Faith that I will. I am young still. I have many experiences ahead of me and to Love is to Live right? To Love is to let go? You almost sent her a text. Good job for not doing so, but I know it's going to get harder, and when you get this, I hope you're feeling Better. I hope you have Learned. And if you haven't, I hope Things are Better. Because of who you are right now, and what is going on, you have the inability to plan for the Worst because it seems like the worst has happened. Life goes on is another cliche and hopefully you will make it. I am Sad. And I will admit here I am having a hard time. And I think I am going to move to a word processor because this copy and paste just to save thing is stressing me out even more. But I hope that you will still go through with setting this to send. I want to see it. I want to receive this letter. And Laugh. And Smile. Maybe even Share it. I feel a bunch of Confessions trying to surface, like the fact that one of the main reasons why I’m feeling this way about Her is because I am Jealous, and I feel that all this is Unfair. And I’m pouring into this letter, talking about Love? Talking about being in Love? I’ll say this again, I need to learn to love myself because if I can’t love myself I can’t love another. But it’s so hard to do it because it’s not what I Say, but what I Do. So much Dilemma in all my experiences. I’m even planning to write her a future email because I lack the courage to actually send her the letter after writing it because I feel that it doesn’t translate what I want to say. People ask me why is she so Special. Even I ask myself that question. And if I am still thinking about her after a year, I hope I’m beginning to Heal or have made progress. I can only Hope. I confess that it is because I don’t want to be alone, I’ve been alone for a long time, and now that I have finally found someone, it’s hard for me to let go. But aside from that it’s the situation, I am alone in a small town, I don’t have any real friends yet, and...right now all I can think about is her. But that is not Right. And I drove all the way back to be Close to her because I miss her. It’s silly because I have the urge to remind myself just which girl I am talking about, but I already have a feeling I will know. A year is not enough time, and it makes me sad because if I am not with her right now, we might end up Lost. And I am getting the urge to call her, I’m getting the urge to call her to tell her don’t go, give Us a Chance, give me an Honest Chance because I can Love you. But that’s the dilemma because if that were true I would be able to let you go. And if it was meant to be you would come back. But you’re going back to your ex... and all this is hard to write about even though I’ve been writing about it since I met you, and before that I was writing about how I want to meet you, and now, I am writing about Everything. Right now you’re not talking to me, perhaps to spare me from Pain. But I don’t know if you really hate me, the truth is, you ... and I just caught myself, I started talking to Her instead of writing to Myself. I’m getting tired. And I do this every night... and I just wish I can Stop because this is Tiring. And at some points I was Alright, I was able to Live. But I wasn’t Alive until I met her, and now to go back an try to Live again is hard... because I don’t want to just Live, I want to Love, and Loving makes us feel Alive. And what the fuck am I talking about. I can go on Forever, typing, endless notes about Me... I wish she would call me, or text me, or poke me and it’s silly, but she taught me about the little things in Life which brought me one step closer to Happiness. I want to let her know this but I want to let her know a lot of things but I can’t control her, I don’t want to. I want her to know how I feel but only she can decide whether my Feelings mean anything. She told me to keep my Feelings to myself one time and ever since I did, and maybe that’s why she misses her ex, but there is more to it than I can explain in this letter to myself which I don’t even know if I am going to send. It’s getting long and I haven’t even gotten to the things I want to talk about because I am going on and on, on this Tangent, and it leads No Where. I keep on looking at my phone hoping it would ring, and then what? Have her Destroy me as I say, as she did a few times in past; we’re on different Time Lines, I had Feelings for her a long time ago, and that turned into something else, I decided that I can’t be with her so I will Love her, and when the opportunity came, I went for it, I took a leap of Faith, and I don’t know why, I wasn’t in Love with her then, but I will confess here that I am in Love with Her. I haven’t told her that. And when I read this I hope I have come to my senses because I want to best for myself too. I know this is unhealthy. I know this is damaging to well-being. But I can’t help myself. I need to constantly remind myself why am I so hurry to know that she is leaving me for good? I bought her a birthday present already... Legos Architecture series Frank Lloyd, Fallingwater. I am already thinking about whether I should still give it to her. I had a funny thought just now about how I’d read this or people would read this and think, what, is she a teenager? For the most part both of us are making a transition into young adulthood, but I don’t even want to call it that... I have a semi-dream job and this is why I’m worried, there is so many other things on the line. And I just want to call her. Fuck I just want to call her. But nothing good comes from it. This is so hard. And I’m so Tired. And I feel that this email is not finished, and it’s so hard to set it to send... I’m not even going to read it over. Take care. See you in the Future. - Daniel