A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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Ikltnag e)etlr,t my in yuo ear (hwo ni ryea dan 1s2t ielf ipdeus ot yeelotmclp nwo, chngdae atht ym nodw 32 ’im. Ti torws dan of eth wsa yera btse ilfe ym. My a cthddie dhraytib a me as rateg ton hurog ym ynaom’sd‘ was oigng urhghto cathp ew s12t wree e,on. Fo eth it idd refdsni yb i ye,ra ownk nda nya be tiwh mteebpesr eth crmgnliub lla i temh ’nolwtud wodlu telilt awy utogorthuh wndo oemc ttah. Hotb yuo ttah mthgi fo but uhoneg oshck edcir rfo ror,wy het us ro puest, ,oyu ntdo’ kaem ’ive. Ok,nw lal mmioteses i n’rate to ehyt plpoee ttah thaw you nwta smee dna. Ew rliseea yman fo eht nrauod that iutnl tnhik nytatsncol t1s2 ew yuo so are tath eayr apts aer mrof nosaer ppleoe tnid’d ufr,eols my sujt ti ear so ahtt erhet tlteli. I elnitesny maceeb aosl dan ciuidasl tduragae r,yae hatt i d’tndi uto dopedrp. Ym ielf wkon udowl utb not it levi hiwt i eonesom i i dn’idt spliedp end up owh nfeuownd eigbn gto hhrgotu to dna noti velo houttwi albe a ohw …ygao fro. Uro ltmicehl. Thta oyu ilfe in m,e hes eemplyotlc ym and sith lvoe tusj wolud peeevsritcp no gneivetryh cngedah him orlwd, h’se hritg si. .
A 2s1t em, 3202 21: uni dne ym in bakc htiw pu tafer a tguhho off ljuy ugingraatd deradutag i eyar dna i yera i idd ni nwet. Ouy os wlodu be rpudo. Os i ma odpur. Eat,d riitdsneasto ocnereiptp a eeecmatvnhi of makrs ym my ,on a ): asw ffo ot dened i gncliseouln bnige rifst teh dna gegbist adn up wef tis’ no.
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Iidcnsoe hte de,ir up nivgli steb ’tis ever wtih e,mclihtl uto dened i a dna neeb utb omnvig. Dmelid in fo cshko nad edid a it trhu, irgth iwrgint iststdaroien a agndrad my eth olt ti slat nad ear,y asw. I mhi hoem, oyu docul cupoel a klwdoocn, ese go meco dah nda nyaawy ahtt swhi fo ertow lal l,eertt rfeat tdulo’nc yuo a btu iistv iont to eraft i ontmsh at nad go tlle you yuo eh to otu mih. Os ouy tond’ kbca wkno het w,)ill has lfee bda nueervsi i( rouy.
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Sngtih llte i i that esreht uoy swih odcul. Keli of ma orupd i you hwo. 4 ekrind hsiw oemntm rtlae eth to syear i in saw how i fo uoy diesnat. I uoy, am mpsoire iglhena ubt i. To lhea rinne ew ahtt ma our odbrbe to rstpa toehs yemfls nee,b mofr i of reev rgniokw no dna vhae i was ot egnib lhdci elymfs ma louefrs i dkiren hela anht us ,lkie wndiar ’dnto. Esy( m’i t13h iggon dan as adn ehav uyro letitl ibt lewl 4 pomnig ma aftre onw, a iths otu cieens we nad hesnwep d’i noufd sewhpen our a i we cueesab on as irtwngi t’eanr gsnith iybdthra rtgih ldeeph rett,le!)! nlcyutrer hbrrote. Ngseitomh is tath rwonigk ma but i on. I we ma this leef oaenrmy ondt’ htat uthr nikowrg idrbnosuae on so. Psibntyilesroi ot cxptseanoiet uro s,u ruos thye of are alde lpeopse thiw tno nto otreh si hdlo ti to. Ohlgidn tol of a yuero’ nkwo htat adn i. I’m tup it’s ndwo gilnlte ot ykao osteh things uyo. Pitdsopian koya oyu s’ti oepple vleo ot. Ton thire ’ist beucase ’sit el,fi uorys. Nigvli o’slntuhd acpctiya e’yhert be no ldsuoh ot twah the esabceu etll oury dna oyu eon ouy eles sah gdion feil not. Era eyht dngio htat tawh yeur’o aeryilt ieascsscero uyor ssenstewi ot lal ot are. Em ttrasme ngnothi. Veha ,pphedean it hl’evodus will fi rveuneis have oury het it a,cbk would. Adn ’havtne nay leihcltm mfor lfuly tath nngkhiit rmoeisp ouhttiw rifst ediniscso i eamd i p(arat hotuhrg uyo it. . ?olev) acn esuca owh hitgf. Su ettrel all eth ihtw beign i of ndsymao erinsdf no knwo uot sith lo’uyl be fo ydtefexapihr otn. Ouy in hntgis tbu feli shti at’nc cofre. Not for yhet but for owkn htey reew it ertho dgoo ogdo ,su yree’th otn nod’t ache. Dan aer vieng ntah epyt rwee omre and rieevedc so nesphirdif fo so eth rea ouy hwat uhcm uoy dan mhuc uoy throw lveo terteb. Ludco ploisrtenya teroh hnte dernphfsii cihhw( i tyeh ti wleolad to t,ou lmbead nweh teyh edn eth ysa em) end are dan eoowlfdl awth too to emoc su uct ot i ti egnbi awwrdka wuhtito akatct ubeseca si on na tbu an teh eocsh sihw m,anyods oury ruo was ot histng. You si tinassesn are ihtw tno but cabesue vo’euy nad abuot neon stol orhtw eeoplp teh wehn you eyour’ rhwto worl,d of lla leki the are ttereda hevet’y ktghinin. Aysd ym eufrut dpesn to mlefy,s rwyhot in eth and fo su indnet bgeni i y,ou.
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Or,sry ’im.
Evorgfi ,me leeasp.
Hnatk yo,u.
You voel i.
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E,olv.
Dol 23 x ryae em.

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