Hello Stranger

October 8, 2010 11:11AM Dear Natalie: If you’re reading this, it means I did not find the Courage to stop this letter from being delivered. I have been sitting here on the floor beside my bed for quite some time just thinking about the purpose of this letter. Why am I writing? If it is not obvious, I’m writing you a letter to be sent some time in the Future; it’s October 8, 2010, and I haven’t decided on the future Date. But I am asking myself again, what is the purpose of this letter? I have been thinking about what I want to say, but that is all I have been doing, just Thinking. About last night, I regret that it ever happened but it was inevitable. I’m thinking of driving to LA to see you for what might be the last time. And I’m thinking about why I’m writing. Why do I feel the need to write to you? What message am I trying to send? I feel like calling you right now to ask for your Opinion on what I should Do. But I know I have to decide for Myself. I’m thinking of not doing anything, and accept that things are out of my control. Again, I feel like calling you, and I don’t know if you will pick up; I don’t know how you would feel if I call you; I feel you don’t want to talk to me right now, and if I keep on pushing, all you can do is pull. I want to respect the way you feel, but my Feelings are Dominating; I am thinking about how I am objectifying you, and I don’t mean to, but I am because I want our Relationship to move forward and not End here. I’m thinking about Love and being in Love, and how I am failing at thinking more about You. But I am thinking about You. So, why am I writing? I don’t know if I can really answer that question myself, so that’s why I keep asking it. And I keep debating whether or not it is a good idea to try to communicate with you. And now it feels like I can’t help myself, and I say that because I need to help myself right now. I’m thinking about how I don’t want this to End. I really don’t Natalie. And I hope desperation does not get the best of me, and I am trying to fight it, but it feels like I am losing the battle; I can’t stop myself from Wanting. And I know I can’t just Want to Love you; I have to Choose to Love you, then Accept that Choice; and after I do that, Everything is out of my control. And, I’m getting the thought of wanting to let you know instead of just keeping all this to myself. Maybe that’s what I should do. But you didn’t pick up. And I still don’t know what I am trying to say in this Letter. But right now, may it be impersonal, I am in Love with you. And it’s just hard for me to accept that I’m not Special enough to Complete you. And now I’m feeling a bit Brave, I want to drive to LA right now to let you know we need a break, or let you know I agree with stopping what we’re doing...because deep down inside, I don’t want you to Leave; I want you in my Life, and I want to be in Yours. So if I can only be Strong enough to be Content with whatever Relationship we have, maybe we can spare hard feelings and stop Hurting each other. Con Carino, Daniel PS: And hopefully I don’t bring this up or ask you about it, but I didn’t have a real Chance at a Relationship with you; I took whatever Chance I thought I had because Chances like these don’t come often. But, I have taken enough Chances, and I want an honest Chance to be with you; but only you can Give me a Chance, or a second, or third, or fourth. And I confess, I pretend like you’re my Girlfriend because I have never had one Before.