A letter from December 31st, 2020

Dear OJ, I cannot bear to reach out again after 3 weeks of silence, I’m embarrassed that I even kept trying. So here is me writing a letter you will never read. But these thoughts are so loud in my mind I have to get them out before this year ends. I’m so angry at you. I’m so angry at myself. I’m angry with you because you made me feel something I’ve never felt before; wanted. I never knew how powerful a feeling like that could be. It seemed like a fairytale, how quickly and perfectly you came into my life. I felt like I was floating for the first time. You made me feel beautiful, desired, appreciated and so wanted. And then, as quickly as you came, you disappeared. Without a single world. You couldn’t ever give me the ounce of human decency and respect and text me that it was over. You just... left. At first I was just confused. Then hurt. Then broken. Then angry. And soon enough, I’ll just feel empty. I don’t know how cruel and cold one must be to treat another human being the way you treated me, but I feel bad for you. You lost me. Someone who would have loved and supported you for the rest of your life. I would have stood by you, I never cared how much money you had, I just wanted you. And I.... I feel stupid for falling for you. For even letting myself believe that I could be so lucky. I should have known that a love like that is not something I get to have. And I was foolish but I blame my stupid hopeless romantic heart, always reaching for things it cannot hold. I wish this didn’t happen. I wish I never met you. I didn’t need another heartbreak this year. I didn’t need more weeks of tears and feelings of hopelessness. I was doing ok before you came along and made promises you wouldn’t ever keep. I wish I could tell you these things. I wish you could hear how much you hurt me. And then again, maybe I don’t. Because I know it wouldn’t change anything and you wouldn’t care. I hope that when this letter reaches me a year from now, that you are some distant thought. Just a story I share with new girlfriends when someone asks “what’s your worst dating story?”. I hope you are nothing more than a stupid momentary lapse of judgement and not this heavy, crushing blow as you are right now. And because I never got the chance to say goodbye to you... here it is. Goodbye OJ.