A letter from January 3rd, 2023

Dear FutureMe, hey it’s me. it’s you we’re 21 and we’ve been dating ellie for almost 7 months since may it’s 2:48 am right now and i’m staying up typing this up because I can’t sleep I’m sick and can’t stop coughing I asked ellie to go to the bank at 6:15 and a few minutes after that I fell asleep too and the next time I woke up it was already 2 am me and ellie had a screaming match today she yelled at me because I told her she should understand why chris sean stays with blue face… I wish that didn’t happen it was hurtful i’ve never been a yeller and I don’t think I ever want to be I have yet to get really angry with her it just makes me worry I feel like when I do something bad she forgets all the other good things that have happened and can only think about everything I do to hurt her I’m really trying to be better I sit there and I think about classmates from highschool and think about how they probably don’t have all these childish communication problems in their relationships it’s really nobody’s fault but mine I wish I was better i’m trying to be better I just wish she had better ways of communicating with me instead of yelling at me earlier today she said “you only ever listen when i’m yelling at you” which just sounded abusive I don’t know if she’s right I don’t know if she’s wrong I simply just don’t know most of the time when she yells I choose not to go up against her i’m not afraid but yelling always seems to get us nowhere because then later in the day this happens I lay awake in bed thinking of what I could’ve done better to avoid the unnecessary fight we had life is ****** right now about 2 weeks ago i got fired from mod because nate said i was selling weed it might’ve been the saddest moment of your life for a while jon got fired too because he knew and he covered for you but he’s not mad at you at all I actually think I did us both a favor I don’t have another job yet but i’ve been selling things on offerup y mota to get some money sometimes I miss mod but then I really think about it and if I went back there I would hate it my heart has been hurting lately after I got fired my mom texted me and told me “I know you think i’m your worst enemy but i’m the person that loves you the most when I die I want to go in peace knowing that you will be okay” it’s ****** and it opened up another portal of what life means it was the hurtful truth I needed the other day I was watching “the whale” trailer with ellie and he said something among those lines a few days before my mom said it to me “when I go I want to know I did something right” I did what she asked me to and i’ve been saving money I know that she loves me and when my mother goes it’ll probably be the worst time in my life throughout all this ellie has been supportive sometimes I get sad and I don’t want to tell her like she has no idea that when we took edibles I was laying next to her crying my eyes out because of what my life is i’m so sad really sad i’ve been sad for so long and every time i’m sad I think about my middle school guidance counselor and I remember vividly when she was sitting in front of me and she said the words “you are not broken” if only she knew that she saved me and helped make my life so much better I miss her I could cry about It, lately i’ve took in how much trauma I have and all the things that have happened to me that caused me to turn out this way god this ******* book is all over the place but nobody will read it but me I hate myself I hate who i am I hate the way my life went I hate that I turned out the way I did maybe i’m too hard on myself obi is on top of my stomach making bagels like all cats do I know that’s not what it’s called but I can’t think of the word right now after I got fired from mod ellie helped me sign up for college which I haven’t finished signing up for yet and I don’t know that I want to if I sign up for college all the money i’ve worked so hard for will just be gone a lot of people would say that it’s worth it but I need to save up money for my future (for you) I don’t even know how long I should make this note wait to read it again i’m honestly really afraid of change and knowing that when I read this again my life might be completely different terrifies me,,, I love you so much mel and wherever you are I just want you to know that everything will be okay and when you feel like you have nobody you have me be nicer to yourself you’ve been through so much when you read this you will be 22 and ellie will either be someone you cry about every night or she will be 20 and still your girlfriend and you’ll be living with her in college whatever direction your life goes I hope you don’t give up mel I hope you’re strong enough to keep going know that you always have your family and yourself 3:34 am and i’m done typing this 21 year old mel loves you. please take good care of gus and finn they are such sweet animals plewse take care of them they deserve to be happy and live happily ellie loves us so much be nice to her learn how to communicate healthily