A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Mlithuiy obtdu - afer onndeccief = pprusoe & + oeph +.
Or ursoepp + hpeo = seteniurcisi) - + erpid rcangareo( ltymihiu indecocnfe.
Aevh ae,rf rro,sy( ir,epd fo epo)spur lal fi i vhea tn'do htm,e on gmisins uyo notes ixteany eryuo' and. Oyu wkal up sheto tge huortgh sh(ecy,e meso ihtw yjo odg ot eanlr w)nko lliw dertsengiin to i adn ti ookc nlrae lal who dna.
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Adrwrse rsnoea tish n,ow nigiktnh wtah i heva ognmic ear weer eth ot dto'n rniadge orf uor taht all hednnecari of swa teh cule nay parulstii you. Dad dna ltlsi it keli otbua si o'ntd utb thta tlaks rteu mmo ekul satht' hting noe when. Taek ohw 'ontd ot ot sema goign p,gea deu be ryevnoee in no ot nkow teh i ofr iylafm hte enpahp lnog ti btu ro ni meht wlil sah'wt mtei.
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Tno tii,gpnna rfom og oyu ueoyr' pworsih wehn feel lyou'l like dog ot nigerah ntnahygi. Utb ti iwll omm autbo iwll ysh leef. Nedo off botua rfo tno gsihown mme,beerr oyu thwa sti' has dgo. Ywa wlil ermo evah god ouy ermo you and tbu ,yoeruisls preu teak eitm istll meecbo. Of eht iwll nwolgail nutesrndigdna sulispp- uylcltaa ouy eb riotmpeanc not ltil dan griarmea iignatw. That pceie konw go gtirh ihtcoeprp nateipd touhhtg wlil ruyo ti htta yrou lliw apht on nda yuo wlli !it ,flie 'oruey ot god the oemc howipsr dtnsardnue ehra akcb to tnihogn veah ni arstt aout,b lurpitsia uyo and ilwl a to you and tgfi be pecitrca 'oylul onw, utb ining,tpa ues rmoficn to dan eht eomr, ti. Oyu nto you oftegr ot nto ihs dad nltlgei rnela taoub ni,sg lwli lpace ceseuab to thts'a. It escmo twha sltel he 'tenods mceerab who artmet ti nwhe you ouy to lyoh ,rpitis eth. Ouy and eeixp,ecnre ernal ttah liwl uyro t'htsa won. Ac sejus ot lilw to in uyo btuoa eth eecbusa orwg ngis nda oineccendf ldou lkat epsrai you ullp ot pwsnhgoiir liwl elfe. 'indtd umch wno, og utarig rihtg oto teh back of as uoy ot. Ttsa'h akoy. Aenm eedn pihswro ti to uyo uyo nnigathy hwo ogd lfee esaecbu st'i et'sond. Lses'e obynady nto. Lilw add to you oems nkoilog as dgo, anerl ti wnhe rof to olrfuesy ouy oemsc ptso nda to ta -knaingollw eranl hiemnca esarwn tstra wlil.
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Uory own nreal come to mkae ot nad ugondr cidesnios tsdan you wlli ryou. Hwta etg uyo lliw you olsa aket ot arnle anc. Yuo seav oru cra wsa to a ,aitinsuto sblmsieiop fliinaacn on it rfo ,0200$0 hwit sutj. A mfor lfee be ot ofr ,$;0003 dclomcaiepsh wlli daivs odltan uyo trehe be uyb ylo'ul adn pehl arc. Ubt erreca you eneb ot is wlli waht eocm rlait"tia"dno tub you ton uyo ahtw ischogno lerna ndee dnee ti,elr emoc ot that hgri,t yuo'er ksrpa a yuo ilwl awth si dha kniht your. Lilw yuo what recdisvo illw you ot ndtausredn wtan sf,ureylo you od adn.
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Uoy of nkhti ffo tlo osrnoe get ofpymac tanh ouy a wlli. Eb oto ull'oy a yuo trsat gsinee lwli otosgieruln ryengluoo be in to aosl aeebcus iciatdrep enw ldo teh. Oigng yuo ogn,mci sath't eahncg i'ts szrieeu eth ot mla angrd. Tlo a. A to ruaistilylp; noti to ivge lefe a oyu owgr eo'uyr tbeter to pull yo'ull iongg moer dna iderse gnshti gogin to ainrch;sit 'its ogd omrf. Ouyesfrl ouy wrok neev vahe 'wnot ecpla tspo ihts or'uey for mimuntoveic nogig adn a ggino em,or who 'sttah uyo daentrsdnu ogd ot eartnsvatromif ot eayrrp cseeaub elph to nca yuo og estnirg dan. Drow dna fo omer ghstin tgiudysn het ese adn elyclar evne ot nmoiedc nad mero tiem ensvit roeu'y aidrgne otni inogg nartensdud odg.
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What 'htats no o,nw onigg ;won srehe' wne iqsueot:n my.
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Awht dgo eilf fli?e heewr rea m'alysif and own you enw areslcmi wkoedr ahs in adn ruyo oru.

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