A letter from Nov 04, 2023

I used to use this website whenever I was losing my mind. I would write a letter to myself in the future and I would send it to myself to be delivered years later. So far, I have gotten about 10 letters from 5/6 years ago. I sound so lame and insane with the weird kind of things I do, and let me tell you that I am probably the weirdest and saddest mf you will ever come across. I cry while I write every one of these letters which means I've basically been crying and losing my mind for more than 6 years. I don't remember a time since my brain developed thoughts that I was not a hyper-aware person. I always had so many thoughts and I would think too much and for too long that there was a whole world in my head. When I was like 3, I started talking to random walls and closets and to this day I don't know why I do it. My parents would be beating each other up or whatever and I would be in my own head thinking thoughts while I watched them. Sometimes, even now, I go days where I am just not truly in my brain and I will do things like this. And then I snap out of it and I am like what the **** was I doing and then I cry because I think I'm insane. I'm just a weird, sad, lonely, incredibly ******* weird person. I've never loved any part of myself. I don't think you can understand how life changing and unexpected it is when you go your whole life hating everything about yourself and then for the first time ever, someone actually loves you. It's always guaranteed that your family will love you and to be honest, your family loving you doesn't really tell you much about you as a person. If you know what I mean. They have to love you so of course they do. So I went my whole life wanting some stranger to fall in love with me because they WANTED to and because they saw me and all of my ****** personality and still chose to love me. I think for all these years that was my purpose in life. To find someone who loved me so I could replace all of the genuine hatred I have for myself with the love they gave me. And it was insane to me that you loved me by choice. I know I seem like the most dramatic person on earth but I think exactly like I am writing right now. So anyway, I hope you understand now how devastating it is for me to be away from you and how it has the power to destroy me if I think too much about it. So I go about my day completely brain dead. If the thought of you pops up, I quickly am like oh he has a new gf who cares move on. And I move on from the thought. Because when I don't, I can't get out of bed for days because that's how long it takes me to go through our entire relationship, cry about each thing, and try to figure out where I went wrong. Nobody has ever had the power to hurt me and affect me so deeply before I met you and its the scariest and most vulnerable feeling in the world. I genuinely would not be surprised if I can never fall in love again or get married because i'm so scared of loving someone now. In my head, I see myself as a little girl and I look in the mirror and I am a grown woman and I never really recognise my face. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I know you loved me regardless and that has never happened before in my entire life. I erase the thought from my brain but when I remember the times you broke my heart, I can remember the exact words that you said while you did it. It makes me go crazy. I have spent my whole life comparing myself to every girl I see and I cannot explain to you how badly and desperately I have always wanted to look like someone worth loving. I've always wanted to look like anyone but myself. And so you cannot imagine the fuvking horror of finding out your boyfriend who you loved for years told you he needed space and so you gave him space, and instead he was busy talking to and dating another woman. I'm telling you too much but the amount of times I have looked at her ONE profile picture and found out exactly the reasons someone would love me over her is insane. And maybe there is no reason for you to be with her, or talk to her, or go out with her, or let her hold ur hand, or be unable to break up with her, but let me tell you that either way, it has destroyed me. I have never put so much of my heart into one person and I just don't know how to get it back. And since my brain has always been a little disabled, my heart genuinely was my only working organ tbh so now I am ******. There is nothing new that I can tell you and I don't think I have said a single new and interesting thing in this letter, but I no longer wanna kms like I did like 10 minutes ago so 😏 I cannot text you, I genuinely can't even though I always want to. I'm at such a huge breaking point where I think if I saw anything or heard anything about you and her, I would actually actually lose my mind. I can't IMAGINE you with another girl I really can't imagine someone else loving you and touching you like I did. With how much bs I have been through in my life, I am so ******* surprised I am not dead, but I genuinely don't think I can take any more bad things happening to me. I couldn't handle being hurt by you again, I don't know what I would do if you did anything bad to me again because it already hurts so ******* bad I can barely take it. Anyway, as always, I want you to know that I loved you with EVERYTHING I had and I loved you much more than I have ever loved myself. I would have done anything for you if I had just gotten a tiny bit of love or loyalty back and I waited and I waited and all i got was you breaking my heart over and over again. I wanted you to change so bad so i begged you like I've never begged anyone before, and I gave you kisses, and I gave you all of my time, and I gave you everything I had and I still couldn't change your mind. I don't have the power to make anyone love me. The conclusion is always, always the same. That I am truly an unlovable person no matter how hard I try and no matter what I do. I wish so bad that things were different and I never had to stop loving you. Your arms were so safe, and your smile made my heart smile and your voice over the phone made me fall more in love every time. Despite everything, these will probably always be some of my happiest memories, so thank u.