Ha-Joey: Letter from your past self - don't delete!

Dear future Joey, Happy 40th birthday! This is a letter from your past self, sent Wednesday, 5 July 2006, at around noon. You are 33 years old and working as a systems administrator at National Semiconductor (yes, still). Today you got some work done in the morning and are now fucking off on the Web, which is about par for the course. You found this Web site (futureme.org) and were enthralled with the idea of sending yourself a letter in the future. So you decided to write to your 40-year-old self, in the hopes of giving yourself a nice surprise on your birthday. You are living at the Quebec house in Denver. You live with and love an angel sent to earth, your beloved beshert, Miryam. The two of you have been together about a year and a half and are stupidly happy, even in the hard times. She is the light of your life and the most beautiful woman in the world. She heals your heart and you heal hers. Never take her for granted! She is the single greatest gift you've ever been given, and you would be a fool to let her go. Hopefully by this time you've been happy married for many years. You haven't proposed to her yet, but you're going to soon -- probably as soon as you can afford a decent ring. Maybe on your two-year anniversary in December. Loving her scares you. It shouldn't, maybe, but it does. You're afraid your relationship will end like your and Cynthia's did. You're afraid you'll screw it up. You're afraid you're nothing *but* a fuck-up, and that the impending doom of a break-up is inevitable. You are 99% wrong. You know this, but you still worry. Loving her is also the best thing that's ever happened to you. You are 100%, flat-out committed to Miryam. You waited your whole life to find someone like her, and now she's here. Remember this, in case you've forgotten: God put you two together, and you're going to be okay. You aren't Jewish yet. This is frustrating you right now. Your beit din is tentatively scheduled for September, after the interminable Intro to Judaism class ends in August. Your greatest desire that doesn't have to do with Miryam is to be Jewish. When you convert, you're planning on taking on the mitzvah of tzitzit on a daily basis (wearing a tallit katan) and wearing a kippah every day. You struggle with how that will look if you have full sleeve tattoos, but you're slowly bringing the disparate parts of yourself into reconciliation. You believe in God sometimes, and sometimes you don't. When you do, you call Her "Shechinah" and pray to Her sporadically. You feel Her presence most when you are despairing over your relationship with your own parents, or when you need to know you're not a bad person. She does love you, and everything is going to be all right. Your children are not yet teenagers. For that matter, you only have four of them. Did that change? You and Miryam want to have a baby together -- your egg, Erich's sperm, and her womb. You're considering the name Shoshanah, after Miryam's grandfather Sol. Did you ever make her happen? Did Mom and Dad ever accept your baby as their grandchild? Did she meet Mamaw and Papaw before they died? When did they die? At this point, Papaw is 91. Surely they're gone by now. Did you say Kaddish for them? Did you sit shiva? Right now, Hannah is 12, Benji is 11, Jonah is 9, and Gavi is 7. Hannah's bat mitzvah is precisely one month away, which freaks you out a bit -- how did you end up the parent of a teenager? You still don't know what you're doing as a parent most of the time, but you're learning. The thought of having four teenagers in the house freaks you right the fuck out, but you also figure you'll deal with it when it comes. Parenting is the hardest thing you've ever done. You've had to change, grow, stretch yourself in ways you never imagined. This sounds like such a cliche, but it's true: parenting turns you inside-out and forces you to deal with your own shit. It's painful, but it's a good thing. You hate your career; I hope you had the courage and gumption to get out of it by now. At this point in your life, you want to maybe work into a teaching career and teach art to adults. Did you ever do that? Did you do anything to get out of computers and make a living at something that doesn't suck out your soul? If not, why not? Do it! You aren't getting any younger, I can tell you that. Your 33-year-old self expects you to make it happen sooner rather than later, so get on that if you haven't. Your sister, Rachel, is in her first year of her enlistment in the US Air Force. She is stationed at Langley AFB in Virginia. She hasn't been sent to Iraq yet, but may be in January. You're so scared about that you're strangely nonchalant about the whole thing -- it's too big and you can't deal with it. You aren't in touch with your brother, Brad, except at major holidays. You still have a lot of anger about his molesting Rachel when they were kids, and you haven't dealt with that. Your parents are your parents. Currently, you're in the middle of writing a letter to them telling them you're converting to Judaism. The real reason you're doing it is for the beit din, because the beit din will probably ask and will probably look askance at you if you haven't told Mom and Dad. Since you are in love with Judaism, you are going to tell them. It's scaring you, but you're determined to make it happen before September. I hope that turned out okay. No matter what, they love you, even if they can't show it. Eagle's Nest BBS is still alive, albeit barely. Janet, Leo, Monika, Joe, Rob, Meg, Dave (Cerberus) and you are all regulars. Bill, Randy, Christy, Saundo, Al, and a few others show up semi-regularly. After the server almost died in Hurricane Katrina last year, the population dropped off some. You're not sure how much longer EN is going to last, which makes you sad, but these things are inevitable. You met some of the best friends of your life on EN and you love that fucked-up little cave. You have a dozen tattoos and are saving up for more. The next one will either be your right arm sleeve (Jewish theme) or left arm sleeve (dragon and phoenix embracing). When you and Miryam decide about having another baby, you're going to get a chest piece done with the Hebrew names of all the kids, including the baby. You and Miryam still sing in the Denver Women's Chorus together. Singing with her is uplifting and makes you happy. You draw every day. Currently, you're doing a project in your journal where you make one page every day. (You swiped the idea from tomjuddseveryday.com, but it's taken on its own life, as these things do.) You try to incorporate some life drawing on your page, but you at least get something down on paper every day. Your immediate goal is to do one year of these pages, but you may extend it beyond a year. You're very proud of yourself for putting pen to paper every day, and you should be. It's good for you; it unstops your emotional blockage and helps you keep in touch with yourself. You are, generally speaking, happy. For the past few months you've been battling some depression, but you're determined to beat it and are taking steps towards making that happen: you're in therapy every other week, you're starting to get massage regularly, you're drawing and journaling every day, you're drinking plenty of water, and you're going to approach the idea of exercise again before the end of 2006. Your biggest struggle right now (besides parenting) is two-fold: living without fear and living in the present moment. You suspect this will be a struggle for you the rest of your life, but you're okay with it. You love yourself. You hope you still do in the future. You hope you're a fabulous, powerful, together 40-year-old woman. You're overcoming the fucked-up-ness of your fundamentalist past, getting healthier all the time (mostly emotionally, but also physically), and, all things considered, you think you rock hardcore. You've grown exponentially in the last two years and you're damn proud of yourself for it. You hope you still have these people in your life when you're 40: Miryam, the monkeys, Erich, Rachel, Brad, Mom & Dad, Shawn, Janet, Nancy, Regina and the girls, Judy, Hilary, Lara, Mark, Rob & Meg, Leo, Moni, Ian, Hannah's best friend Danny, Mike S., and Billy. Your favorite album right now is "Taking the Long Way", by the Dixie Chicks. Your favorite food is lamb boti masala from India's Restaurant. You still drink too much Diet Coke. You're a radical, flaming liberal with tendencies towards socialism and/or anarchy, depending on the day. You wear a hemp choker, a thumb ring, a Pride bracelet, and a couple of different wide leather bracelets. Your leather jacket is your favorite possession. You're hoping to buy a motorcycle before you're 40 and ride in the Dykes on Bikes contigent in the Pride parade with your hot femme girlfriend. You can't *wait* to hit 40 and see how hot you are. For that matter, you can't wait for Miryam to hit 40 and see how hot she is. You love your life, you love your girl, and you're so happy to be alive and on this planet, you want to throw your hands in the air and shout. Be happy at 40 and for the rest of your life. I love you. - Joey