Paradoxx

Dear Violet. It's Thursday, August 3rd 2006. Your birthday last year The destination is 12 months, away. By the time you receive this mail, you would have already turned 22. I would liked to say ‘happy 21st birthday’ to you on 2006. “At 12, I thought that of course once I'm 16, I'll understand things much better. At 16, I thought 18 would be very different. At 18, I thought that being 21 would change everything. Now 21, I assume that when I'm 25 or 30 I'll feel like a grown-up, finally” I'm writing this message because we never know if we are going to make it another 3 minutes in our lives, let alone another 10 years. The seasons have passed once and Autumn (Fall) has come again. It was the winter of this year, of this month that I quit thinking of you, and that I’m very sorry. It’s going to feel weird sitting here in front of your computer reading all this stuff that is happening now, knowing that all of this will be distant memories when you get this message. I been wanting to write a letter express my feelings. What feeling you ask? It’s not those feelings more like nostalgia. I use you as a way to find my home. Right now I’m afraid to return home I’m always delaying it. I don’t know why I just feel like if I go home people will see me different. I tried hard to find the right words to say it, but it always end up no where. When I first met you, I felt this need to chat to you. This may sound silly but I liked the way you write in your entry. I was excited you got me motivated to think openly. The more times we chatted I was attract towards you, the more I could feel resemblances I’m glad I have met you thru Xanga, even thought maybe I would have said the wrong things. I often drop by your site to see how you where. I did read your latest entry each one is always a surprise, then I do my daily things. You would always had something good to say… now I feel like a stalker or obsession , but I hope you don’t see me as one. Then what happen to your grandma affected me with mine and I wanted to cure your sorrow. At the time, I liked to believe that i did help you but I couldn’t even help with my own problems. I thought if I help you, then mine would go away. I tend to run away easy without trying out the situation. There was really 2 other options to deal with real grief, deal with it quickly and say it's done, or sweep it under the rug for a time and then, finally, look at it squarely and begin the struggle. We've both suffered family tragedy, but I am not going to dwell on those times, they were hard enough for the first time. There are times that I cannot let go of the pain, because if I do I feel like I’m going to forget them, I can’t do that to them. I don't know why I can't completely let go. I'm forever drowning in the past. Don't get me wrong I'm not dawdling in the past. To dawdle has a negative connotation of being inactive. I do think about the past allot, but it's proactive. I'm analyzing, trying to learn from it all. It's important to learn from your past. So don't tell me I’m "stuck in the past" or I'm dawdling in the past because trust me I’m not. You can say that I’m over analyzing, then I can perhaps understand This whole analogy worked and sounded allot better in my head just now, but that was over a year ago. I'm now a year older, and a year more tired. I hope that made sense? It still makes allot of sense in my head I was dreamboy in Youtube, I was the one who wrote you that. Some how I come across you in Youtube. I didn’t mean to alarm you So, here we are, 1 years later. Friday, August 3rd 2007 From Ryan’ P.S - After we stopped replying to each other some weird moments or just coincidental started to happen. Everything below happen, why did I keep track? No reason, everything that happened in the past is a prologue to now. Each one happen in my life for a reason, I didn’t known the reason at the time. But now I think it was to show you how I really felt and to forget you. Because I don’t want to keep on thinking of you on Xanga. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After my cousin and I left a friends place at 1-2am. On the way home we stopped so I could buy the newspaper. I went to get it the paper, the headline said 'violent weekends' I thought it said 'violet' - Sunday 6th March I went to see my old friend’s site in Xanga, Rosalee posted 'the paradox of our time' - ?? I was on the plane coming home, my mother got a magazine to read. After I finished reading it, at the back of the magazine it had 'violet' dyeing colour - ?? March/April Today was my gradation, I was waiting for my mother and 2 roommate to join me. At that time it started to rain, my 2 other classmate and I ran out of the rain. As we where waiting there, I looked and saw all greens trees around us, and there was a round purple bushes in front of us. - 10th March A random search at night and I saw a site it said 'Ruppina - Violet Flow' - ?? April I was watching tv by myself, and 2 dogs from timber hardware (1 white and 1 brown) were talking about 'Paradoxx' - Thursday 17th March I have just got home from work, and went on my computer to download some songs. I got ‘The TraX‘, clip and there song was Paradox - Wednesday 27th April My cousin brought me a game back in high school. I then try to research the game 'persona 2' and it talked about paradox some how - Thursday 28th April A random search when I was in Xanga, and i come to a page about polar bear - Pelusa turned violet - -Friday 14th May Just finished work and was in the staff room. I turned on the tv and saw the movie Serepidtilty. I grab the magazine on the table and I flip a few pages and saw a column where people writes to someone for questions. That person called themselves 'paradoxx' - Friday 20th May My roommate brought a new game 'metal gear solid 3' when you kill someone important by mistake, it say's ‘paradox of your time' - Sunday 22nd May My roommates and i went to the movies, and above was this huge poster of Charlie and the chocolate factory that had 'violet' has a lead character in the film - Saturday 21st May When shopping with 1 of my roommates buy food, we were standing in line in counter No.23, then we move to counter No.24 since it would be quicker, while we where there. The people in front of us before in counter No.23 where bagging there food, the lady at the counter had the chocolate 'violet crumble' she kept on trying to scan it, but it didn't work. - Saturday 18th June I was with my 2 roommates having dinner, 1 of them was looking at these girls across the road outside. He told me about these girls, they where from some beauty school, he said "the colour there wearing is violet" My friend come to Brisbane to do some tafe work. My 3 friends and I was taking him to his apartments, we where walking up a hill. I noticed across the road a big house covered with bright purple flowers across the fence, then a middle age lady was walking her dog, she was also wearing a purple long jumper - Saturday 30th July In Brisbane, I’m not sure what Month but 2 times in a year alot of flowers are blooming purple flowers. You would have to see it, to noticed it. - last year 04 I was in the lounge watching tv, and was reading the newspaper my roommate gave me, a column about a girl named 'Violet' going to Indonesia - Thursday 6th October One random late night I was changing the channel and come across someone on tv show sex n pop was named Violetta - Friday 7th October At 11:56pm my roommate was showing me a online game he was playing, he was talking to the girl on the screen for a while, I didn’t know her named, it turned out to be 'violetseven' - Sunday16th October My cousin was showing me the game Ragnork Online, he was very into it. I was playing the game and I was sitting down under a tree. There was a girl user called ‘violet;. I found out afterwards she was famous in the game - 4 nights at cousins place I was in the forums downloading some of Namie Amuro songs. Her latest song was called ‘violet sauce’ - Saturday 5th November This morning my father was texting me thur the moblie, he send me a few jokes, 1 of the jokes talk about 5 colour, ‘violet’ was one of them. It could have been any colour right? - Monday 7th November I come home late from work, while I was eating left over dinner. My roommate told me this magazine looked like this shirt, he had. He couldn’t remember the name of it and then said dark ‘violet’ - Tuesday 8th November I visited my cousin place, we just enter CC store and while we where there, they were playing ‘John Mayor - 83’ you told me to get this song. - Thursday 17th November I was in Sydney with my 2 cousins we where on our way home and it started to rain. Us 3 where running thru the streets. While I was running I stopped and I saw a shop called ‘violetta’ cake shop - Sydney Trip December We just got to our apartments after the rain, I was reading the newspaper and there was a column about ben and jen’s new child, the baby’s name was ‘violet’.. the same day. - Sydney Trip December When we return home, we where going by train to my cousin’s place a few stops later, a guy with a purple shirt, steps in front of me next to the door. - Tuesday 6th December A late night, I was browsering thru the tv some show on SBS. About a girl from the city ends up in a small town. One of the guys says to her ‘does violet grow in America’ I don’t know what he meant by that - Friday 30 December 12:11 I was checking up some coming up movies one day, one just happen to be called ‘ultraviolet’ - Mon 23rd January I was checking up a film but I come across other one, I wanted to see who the lead person in that film. In her previous film she star a character named ’violet’s 2000 - Mon 23rd January A person reply to me about a singer in Xanga, and told me a song to download, so I was looking for it. I found it and then there was another song and it had (Wild Violet) - Wed/Thu Feb 2:08am 2006 We where going home from our friends baby shower and my roommates friend took us home and where talking, then suddenly they said ‘violet’ out of the blue no reason - Last night. We where making dinner. My housemate was chopping up food and wanted a container and he said ‘get me the violet one’ - Thursday 2nd March My good friend and I where looking for this game. But I found the part 2 of it. The game was Silent Hill 2, there is a extra option to change the blood, one of the colour was violet - Wednesday 23rd March I was watching ‘100 days with mr aggorant’ and there was this song they where singing, ‘soft violet light’ - Friday 5th May When I was working, someone from front come to the back and gave my friend a packet of ‘violet crumble’ to trade for other food - Thursday 26th May I did visited your Xanga one day, you said you where quitting Xanga. After 11 days you come back on May 24th. My birthday… - Sunday 28th May I was shopping with my roommates for food. I saw a shelf with different cereals and on the cover had superman on it, at that time we loved superman. I looked on the back of the box and you could win a prize, there was a ‘ultra violet’ pen on it, after that I went in the lane and saw ’violet crumble’ (the chocolate. it always hanging on the same spot, same lane) - Monday 12th June I went to work today and my boss gave us all raffle tickets to sell, and it’s for a co-worker named ‘violeta’ (she was ill but I heard she was ok)- Tuesday 13th June I visited deviantART and was looking for these 4 members and I entered 1 of them and checked out her gallery. The first picture I click on it was called ‘Violet and Golden’ - Tuesday 20th June I was checking up on resident evil 2, Jill’s actress, Sienna Guillory and I check out one of her movies ‘Silence Becomes You’ and her co-star plays ‘violet’ as a character Saturday 24th June I was talking to my friend on msn DG and she was going on holidays, she said we leaving tomorrow and comes back on August 3rd. (it had to be your birthday) - Monday 26th June Tonight I was taking out the trash at work. I just got off the lift and looked inside the bin. (it’s just a normal thing. I just had to see if the trash wasn’t full) There was a packet of ‘violet crumble‘ - Wednesday 28th June I was in the lift with 3 other co-workers. Tim was eating biscuits and Tegan asked for some and since she said that Tim already ate her ‘violet crumbles’ - Saturday 1st July After a few hours went by, I was going towards the lift. There was some quest buying stuff from the machine. The guy told the other you want some ‘violet crumble’ chocolates - Saturday 1st July