please remember me

Dear Ellie, It is Friday, April 13th, 2007 and I'm sitting in my apartment, looking out the window and thinking about how I wish this weather could last forever. I left work early today because I have a doctor's appointment in a little while. I have hardly seen you in weeks and I miss you so much more than I have been brave enough to admit. I wonder if you have missed me too, or if you have been too busy to care. I sent you an email before I left saying I wasn't mad at you, but that isn't the truth - right now I'm angry at you to the point of tears, but I won't admit this either. A year ago I was miserable, strung out on prescription drugs, trying to finish exams without having a nervous breakdown, and wishing I knew how to let go. Today I am miserable, even more strung out on prescription drugs, trying to make it through work each day without having a nervous breakdown, and wishing I knew how to hold on. You are the difference. Ever since I met you I have known that my life is something worth holding on to. Sometimes knowing this is the hardest thing in the world. I don't know how to hold on to you without letting you go, but I don't know how to let you go without holding on. So I will turn to the promises I made to myself about you, now when I'm hurting and lost and don't know what else to do: I will let go of the anger that comes from my selfish pride, and I will hold on to the best in you. I will hold on to your laugh, your smile, your heart of gold, the way you made me feel when we made love, the way you find the beauty in people, the way you love children, the way you love your mother, the way you smell, the way you brought me back to life and trusted me enough to let me love you even when I knew it terrified you. A year from now I don't know where you will be, if you will still think of me, if you will still want me in your life. A lot can happen in a year. A lot can happen in an instant. I hope that when you read this you will be near enough to find me and tell me how weird you think I am that I wrote you this email, or if not, at least near enough to call or write and tell me how you are, tell me what's good in your life. But I'm writing this to tell you 2 truths: (1) that right now I'm furious with you (though it's getting harder and harder to stay mad with each sentence), and (2) that I love you more fiercely than I ever knew I could love. Even when I hate you I love you. You are so much more than you believe you are - I hope you will let me show you this, or if not me, then someone else. Always can be such a bitter word, but I know that part of me will always be in love with you. There will always be a place in my heart for you - even if someday you'd rather believe that there isn't, or if I've closed myself off and drifted away, that place will still be there and would open up for you again in an instant. I don't know how else to say it. I wish you the deepest peace - peace with yourself, peace with those you have loved and hated, peace with your past, peace with your future. I hope you are with someone who brings out the best in you, even if it isn't me. And if you aren't - come find me, because I will always remember the best in you. I promise. Don't ever forget this, even if you forget everything else. Elizabeth *** I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You Pablo Neruda I do not love you except because I love you; I go from loving to not loving you, From waiting to not waiting for you My heart moves from cold to fire. I love you only because it's you the one I love; I hate you deeply, and hating you Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you Is that I do not see you but love you blindly. Maybe January light will consume My heart with its cruel Ray, stealing my key to true calm. In this part of the story I am the one who Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.