Hello Future Self!

Dear Future Matt (and Future Jessica), I'm sending this to you too Jessica, so that if we are apart a year from today, you will know how much I loved you. How much I cared for you. How I still love you the day you get this and cherish how much of an impact you made on my life. And if we are together, you'll know how much I wished you would give me the opportunity i needed... I wanted to prove myself so much to you that I think I made myself look like a fool. Well, here's my life now: I hope I still have this email... otherwise I won't get this! :( So... I'm either loving or hating creek right now. I bet this is one of those times where you can think to yourself "I wish I knew then what I know now." Too bad this thing doesn't work in reverse. If I have any advice to give to myself as I'm preparing to leave arapahoe, it's probably that girls shouldn't be as important as I make them. I feel right now, like im losing my relationship with Jessica. I don't know why... I think it's just hard to maintain a friendship whein I want to go out with her so bad. I wish I could have just one chance... Just one opportunity to prove myself. To prove that relationships can be more amazing than she thinks. That people can lay in the grass in the sunshine and cuddle under a soft blanket watching a movie at home. It's a beautiful thing, teenage relationships, and I hope so much that I can get the chance to share that beautiful thing with her. It's the monday after Junior prom and things went amazingly. It was raining on the terrace, so romantic... On the ride back, I played with her hair, slid my fingers down to her neck repeatedly, and kissed her forehead. She smiled. Maybe by now you've kissed more than that... I hope so. She's so amazing, isn't she? I don't know if anyone could measure up to how much she cares. I think she needs me more than I need her though. She just showed me her short story about Maggie and Jamie. Jamie gets pregnant at 16 and Maggie, her older sister, dies in a car crash that happened while she was driving Jamie to the doctor's. It's truly an amazing story. She wants me to be harsh, but I don't think I can... It's a wonderful story and I'm so proud of her skill. I hope Jessica will publish novels in the future so everyone can enjoy her talent. I just can't get dating Jessica off my mind... Jessica Nichole Mooney... I've never faught so much to get a chance... I don't want to feel like im begging for a relationship, because then the whole thing is just insincere, but I really do think I could make her happy. Make a perfect boyfriend for her. She needs someone like that. It's so hard that she won't date me... I become so emotional, so distant from who I really am. I don't know why that happens. It's hard to deal with. We might end up dating, if she decides to give me just one chance. Just one chance... but with only one chance, I don't think I'm ready right now... Things are still a little rough between us. I still want to run away and hit something every time I see Glen touch her. I want to just crawl away and pretend it's not real... I always thought she would say yes... I always thought she'd be the perfect girl. I have fantasies of marriage... Whenever I think of having a child, teaching them to walk, first words, smiles, cheerios on the table of a high-chair. She's always the girl standing next to me, the girl across the room that the baby is walking to or walking from. The girl that smiles back when the baby laughs. Why do I have to imagine these things when every time I see her I get reminded that she doesn't want to be with me. That she doesn't like me as more than a friend. She told me last night that she doesn't want to date me because her friends don't like me. She admitted it's shallow. Why would I like someone who has that reason? Everything else outweighs it... This bothers me so much. She's all I think about. I hope by now that we're happily dating, or im happily her jealous-free best friend. I'm sick of this "happy" medium. It's not happy at all. I don't see why she doesn't want to date me. I do everything I can to make her happy. I help her when she needs it. I have arms open for hugs at all times. When she's sad I'm by her side with my arm around her, or a comfy chest to lay on when she needs it. When she's happy I'm jumping for joy with her. I'm always readily available when she needs someone to call on her walk to king soopers to get ice cream. Why isn't it perfect right now? Maybe summer will make things better... Maybe. I love her. I love her so much. Does she know that?