Mom,

Dear Mom... This should reach you 9/9/09. I'm supposed to be sending myself a message... but I've done that already. I thought I'd write to you. Now this is a little different from your average email... Why? Well.. For one... I probably won't even remember writing this. Today, is August 14th, 2007. I'm 15 years old. Almost 16. I hope you threw me a decent sweet sixteen party... you did remember that your 16th birthday is supposed to be SPECIAL didn't you? Well.. If you didnt... that's fine too. I'm turning 18 today. I should have started college by now, or should be starting shortly. I know You've done everything you can to get my life started off right... Remember for a moment though, you didn't always try. Please, don't be hurt by this. When I was little, I felt like you never cared about me. I felt like I was always second... to yourself... but I knew you loved me. You had to. You can't just.. NOT love your daughter, Just like you can't just NOT love your mother. I know sometimes it's felt like I didn't love you. Sometimes you've thought that right? Well... You were wrong. I've always loved you. It's a natural impulse for a child to love their mother... Even when I thought you didn't care, you were still my mother. The God of my world. And yes, there was a point in time where I didn't like you. You made me so angry... because you had so much potential... and you threw it all away... all those times we went without eating... it didn't HAVE to be that way! But it wasn't all your fault. I know. Not ALL. And then you met Sam. And we moved to Savannah. You changed mom. And I respect you so much for that. Remember ... this is coming from your 16 year old. Not your 18 year old. I've always loved you... I've always cared... There was a point where I didn't respect you though. THATS what I meant when I said I didn't like you up there. I meant I didn't respect you. I had no reason to respect you... I didn't THINK I had a reason to respect you. However, fact of the matter is, you're my mother. Look at me now. I'm 18 years old. In college. Do you think I'm a success? Do you think I WILL be a success? You've always believed in me... and I respect and love you for that. We never went TOO long without something to eat. And we always had a roof over our heads...(even if we had to stay with some guy who was a jerk to us..) point is.. you kept me alive. Kept me going. Gave me a reason to keep going. Gave me goals to set. Mother, I'm sorry. But I don't want to be like you were. I love you... but I don't want to have to depend on someone else to help me all the time... And yet... I do want to be like you were. I want to keep striving. I want to stay strong. I don't want to say anything I'll regret saying... but please... anything that hurts you... don't hold it against my future self. Like I said, I won't even hardly remember sending this. I love you mom. You know that? I'm starting my Junior year now. And I'm praying that I make it through it without having TOO many breakdowns... there's so much you don't know about me Mom... So much I don't WANT you to know... Hopefully we've grown closer... I don't know if it's possible to mend a relationship that's been broken for so long though... but maybe we've fixed it. Right now... we're kind of just letting it hang. It's just there. I can't say that we don't really HAVE a relationship... but.. It's definatly not whole. I don't know if I want it to be though... It seems weird if we try to fix it. Maybe it's not broken though... I don't know. Anyways. I'm going off to college. I should be at least.. But remember, I love you. I'm saying it now, because I know if it's weird to say to your face now, it probably will be then also. If I don't make time to tell you all of this... I'm doing so two years in advance. PLEASE don't let any of this hurt you! That's not my intention! These past few years, you've done what you can for me. And I appreciate it. And I love you for it. I'd love you even if you hadn't helped me. Tell Sam I love him too. I respected him, when I couldn't seem to muster up any respect for the rest of you. Is Nanny still alive? I don't know if she'd be able to make it that far... I love her so much too though... She lost herself a long time ago... But she seems to be finding herself again recently.. since she came back from the hospital... from getting stints... she seems... nicer. Fuller. More alive. More kind. I hope she's fine. I guess I'll know by now though... by .. the time you get this I mean... Well... it's really late... And I start school tomorrow... I just wanted to let you know that I love you. I always have, and I always will. <3 Stay amazing. Stay beautiful. I'll always be here. Your daughter. Erica. (The old one =])