The letter that was never sent

Dear Sam, By the time you really get to read this, it'll probably be too late. Both you, and I would have moved on to bigger and better things, and would probably find ourselves both far apart from each other. Well to start, I wrote this letter, in hopes that one day, you'll be able to sit down and read it to yourself and only further your knowledge about who I was, how I felt, and the secret I've held inside for so long. I still remember as clearly as if it was yesterday, the day I met you, and the things that went on that day. I remember how miserable of a time I had being the sixth wheel, and I remember how little attention I got from you. Of course, it meant nothing to me then, because I barely knew you, but as I was there emotionless, I wondered if you would even notice me after this day. I'm not entirely sure how we became close friends, since it was so sudden, but I do recall the day that I first heard the words "best guy friend" exit from your lips. The day that I invited you to Estevan's kickback, the day you cried your heart out in front of your house, the day you first put your trust in me, and the day I realized it was too late. See, ever since I've known you, I don't think it ever crossed your mind that I had feelings for you. Not a simple crush, no, not one that passes with the next pretty face that comes across my path, but one that I held secretive for a very long time. I still clearly remember the night when we left at eleven at night, to sit at the park until dawn. I treasure those moments, and I would give anything to have them back. During those days, I was there, to listen to your stories about how cute one guy was, to how much you despised the ones that you didn't like, and even to watching you flirt intentionally with the jerkoff at school. I was there to listen to every last word you had to say about how you felt about one guy and the next, with only hopes in my heart that maybe you'll see me, standing here in front of you, the whole time. That never happened. I was there, one guy after another, seeing you hurt over and over, wishing that I could tell you how I felt, but honestly, I knew what had come, you only saw me as a friend. And this was only confirmed when you told me that you saw me as a brother, the one sentence that put the icing on the cake, made me lose all hope. Back then it hurt me so much, think about it. Would I have blown up in your face over minor things without acceptable reason? Trust had nothing to do with it. It was just too heart-rending to open up to you, if you didn't feel that way about me. And honestly, I had no idea how you felt, it never felt that way, because I thought you were just acting like a friend. And slowly as the days went on, you gave me less and less of your attention, eventually so little that I had to salvage somewhere else. That's when I started to leave the house on weekends, go new places, and meet new faces. Eventually, finding new crushes, and attempts at replacing you in my heart. But as these girls came in and walked out of my life, I thought maybe I never did see you as more than a friend, because I could move on, but I couldn't have been more wrong. Sam, couldn't you see? I gave up on you, only because I believed there was nothing I could do to change what we've become, friends, and just that. From my point of view, that was it, we were friends, and I will have to grow up seeing you happy with someone else in your life. But I cherished you so much, that even if I sat in my room for days painstakingly coming to the conclusion that you were never going to be mine, as long as you were happy, that I would force myself to be happy too. I never believed in love stories, especially those involving two close friends, because I always believed them to be feeble, but now I see that those stories can be true. I've liked you since the day we've met and the feelings just won't go away. I wish that I could let it go, and I've seen guys come and go in your life, but even til this day, I wish I was one of them, so I could mean something to you. It's easy for me to say I love you, I say it all the time, but didn't you ever realize, I never spoke these words to you. I couldn't, I was too scared to let my guard down and allow myself to be hurt, because I was too scared you didn't feel the same way about me. I don't only see you for your pretty smile, or your heart warming touch, you have a beautiful personality, one I've always dreamed of, but took me forever to realize it was truly there the whole time. I don't know if anything I've said has any meaning to you, but I do know how much it means to me, and it brought tears in my eyes to write this to you. I hope that when you read this, that you truely are happy with yourself, and your life, and won't hold the regrets I do, because Samantha Michie, I truly do love you. I always have, I always did, and confidentially, I always will... Sincerely, Patrick Kwon