you can't sleep again

Dear FutureMe, you just turned 28 upon writing this note. you were a little crazy still but took drugs that kept you from wanting to kill yourself. or at least thinking about it much. a few things you were thinking about then: you didn't send dad a birthday card and are feeling a little guilty. part of you didn't want to think about the fact that it's his birthday and he's sitting in prison. part of you didn't want to make him think you are fully accepting of him and his crimes, and that you may have overdone it by writing so much in the beginning. but you are a letter-writer, of course. i don't want to encourage the idea he seems to have that his actions don't really affect others. i suspect he did something to me, and i don't want him to think i am not affected by it, therefore the other kids won't be. in other news: you got mugged last week. mugged or assaulted? it was your fault, for being naive, but sometimes you feel the need to do certain things. i also have a problem with thinking the worst case scenario isn't that bad, because i don't care about much, and i don't care what happens to me. i guess part of me was hoping that if something did happen, it would make me feel more alive-- or at least care about my life more. i don't think it worked. i may be slightly more paranoid now, but i'm still feeling removed from things. i was really mad when it happened, more mad than scared, at having no control. that guy grabbed me and i didn't even budge when i tried to get away. it scares me that he could have done something worse, remember how he put his hand over your mouth and pushed your head into the sand? he sat on top of you so you couldn't move. i don't know why i'm reminding you. maybe partially because i haven't told anyone else. pretty fucked up year, i suppose. still, i'm not as depressed as i have been in the past. this gives me some hope. i've long since learned not to be surprised by the horrible things life can throw at a person, though. i just moved into cheever place. i love it, and hardly want to leave the apartment. peter is a good roommate and easy to talk to. i just got a job at margaret palca bakes. remember that place? i actually like it. i see more people. i need to meet people. listen, i sound like dad. i work with theresa and mike. i can barely understand theresa's thick brooklyn accent, even though i live here. i don't go to therapy. i talk to jake mostly, who is a really important person to me and has been since we started hanging out a year and a half ago. we had a really great day at brighton beach a few weekends ago. the weather was perfect and we smoked pot and talked about silly things. he said "what if the sun was like 400 miles away, close enough to visit, but you'd just burn up if you went there." then we went to see caribou at bowery ballroom. it reminded me that i can enjoy live music still. you should try it out sometime. i have the feeling we will drift soon (me and jake), but i hope not too far. he's a good guy. sometimes shockingly honest and unselfconscious when you don't think he will be. you still think of kain occasionally. but it's not so bad anymore. you think he's become a bit of a loser. he deals a lot of coke now, and is using a bit too much, according to ben, who gets most of his info from tom. who i don't talk to much anymore. anyway, he's heading down a pretty dangerous road and i know this could lead to really bad things, which made me pretty sad at first, and a little worried. did something terrible happen? i haven't dated anyone since kain. we broke up over two years ago. i feel a little pathetic. and old. not to make you feel bad. hopefully i sound stupid for saying that. i'm worried about dating. i don't like people very much, at least when i first meet them. i wonder if i could be interested enough to do something casual, and hope i'll try it anyway. i worry i'll have issues if i do find someone i love, that i'll worry they'll leave me and be all insecure. please don't do that. not everyone's the same. right? kain and tom do their band stuff constantly, but nothing much seems to come of it. you tease them for wearing eye makeup. it's embarrassing. you (not-so-secretly) like feeling like they've gone pretty lame. you saw them play once and thought they were pretty terrible. look how petty you sound. i swear, i am not so bitter, i don't really care about these things much. just typing the first thing that pops into my head. full disclosure: i took some fiorocet (barbituates) because i had a bad headache and thought they would help me sleep. so i'm a little out of it. you see david fairly regularly, and dread his graduation date. where did he end up moving? or is he still in the states? i went to a comedy show of his tonight. he did well. jenn and james came. i'm really glad to be friends with jenn again. it's sort of comforting having someone i've known for so long. i've also been in touch with kate quite a bit. callan and toby are doing alright, apparently, though toby is quit sensitive and not growing very much. is he okay? you always have a feeling of imminent disaster when thinking about kate. you worry about her. i hope she is well. i hope i have seen her since. she needs you, and, frankly, you need her. it's not easy to come by great female friends. you write for a blog with jake sometimes. it's called gatheringevidence. how long did that last? it's sort of fun. surprisingly, people seem to like my writing. i'm not entirely sure how much they actually like it, but i know jake's being sincere when he says he does. i hope he is doing music. i like everything i hear from him, and worried he'll waste his potential. he's put it off so long. i never know how far into the future i should send these letters. i have only gotten one so far, and it was truncated. i told myself to send this not too far, but now i am changing my mind. maybe i will send it twice. i wonder if there is a character limit? things are pretty rough sometimes. but don't forget that you don't want to die. i know that's really melodramatic, but remember what happened when you o.d.ed? you also have dreams about nearly dying, just to test your will to live sometimes. you're pretty sure you would want to survive. enough with the p.s.a. it's 7am and you haven't slept. it's still dark outside! daylight savings is late this year. i don't know why. global warming? everyone is talking about global warming and "being green" these days, like it's some big trend. i hope we aren't too fucked in the future, but i'm skeptical. i get so depressed everytime i check out what's going on with politics. horrible things are happening every day and i feel helpless. bush has been a complete disaster, worse than i could have imagined. but no one can compreheand it, it's so bad. it's like the country is so overwhelmed we just give up on everything. i can't even list all of the things that horrify me. i wonder how things will be in the future. will we all have phone taps and will immigrants not be allowed into the country? when did google turn evil? should we double check that we're not a fascist state? that's just not normal. i sound like an obnoxious little activist. i don't talk to people about these things. i worry the u.s. will become one big wasteland. bombed out of existence, or just made irrelevant by other countries. is this a valid concern? am i being paranoid? i worry that i will send this too far into the future, and it won't exist anymore. for me, at least. love, alice.