love, love, love

happy valentine's day! i love you!!!! there, now even if no one bought you flowers, you know you are loved. buy yourself flowers. so this e-mail is going to be about just about every guy who means anything to you, and a few others... but it will ultimately assess your view of relationships and love.... in an analytical style that would earn a perfect 7 from any ib grader :-P ... so peter? how's that going? i hope he calls you tonight. i mean.... three days? does he really think he can do that? but that's not the issue here. the issue is how you feel about him. do you like him? have you decided yet? i mean, you know he likes you, if for no other reason than that he thinks you have a nice body. AND HE DEFINITELY THINKS YOU HAVE A NICE BODY. so stop freaking out about whether or not he notices that little bit of fat that covers your abdominal region. you know you're in good shape. you know you're curvy in the good way (not the way they use it in 17 magazine, where it's a euphemism for fat... you're not fat. you are actually curvy. and in shape... and the mere fact that i just spent this long convincing you of that shows that you have serious body image issues. try to get over those.) back to how you feel about peter. you don't really like him. you like that he's a junior in college and that no one in your entire high school knows him. you like that if you don't have a date tonight (your tonight, not my tonight), you can call him and he'll want to talk to you. but there's not a whole lot wrong with the fact that you don't really like him. you like spending time with him, you like making out with him, and you like the way he touches you. he makes you feel like he wants you, but not like you're a toy.... it's nice. every guy should make you feel like that, even if you don't feel anything in return. and there is no reason for you to do anything special for him. wait for the right guy for that physical stuff. that was a pointless piece of advice, because you and i both know you don't do anything you don't want to do. okay so maybe there's not a whole lot to think about peter.... because who you really want to think about right now is max. so here goes... he's the only person you've ever wanted to date exclusively. and he didn't call. he said he was intimidated, but maybe he just didn't want you. you're going to have to come to terms with that eventually. today you've been contemplating how great it would be if he was the guy you lost your virginity to, but on some level you know that getting involved with him at all would be a bad idea. you don't want him anymore. you want to feel the way to felt with him two years ago. it's that feeling, not the person, that you miss. because he was a nice guy, and all... and it would be great if you were still friends, but can you think of one thing about him that was completely unique that you don't think you could find somewhere else? NO. (don't dwell on that question, if you come up with something it will only make you feel bad and miss him and then ruin any romantic whatever you might have tonight...) but until you feel that way about a guy again, don't bother worrying about the morality of liking more than one person at a time. if you don't like the guy enough to be satisfied with just him, then it's not real enough for you to even call him your boyfriend. you know all of this, and i'm sending this note in less than three weeks, but somehow it helps to get it all out of my head and in writing. and distinguishing the feeling from the boy makes me feel better... i mean, he's probably changed as much as or more than you have, and you probably wouldn't feel that crazy intense feeling for him anymore. but you will find that again. i know it. i just got this feeling when i wrote that like it was true and like i wanted to cry all at once. weird. you had another wanting to cry moment today. and it led to a mini-not-so-nice-moment between you and mom. so. um. that was... well you know what it was. you talked to brad on the way out of school. and you think you might still like to date him. he seems like a nice guy. his life is going nowhere, but should that really matter when you're a senior in high school? probably. okay, definitely. but somehow it doesn't. and somehow your experience with mike makes you feel like you won't be dragged so far into his "bad boy" image to let him treat you poorly. and brad's smarter. and he is, at least on some level, more capable of making you believe he cares about you. anyways somehow in the conversation with brad you told him about your brace, and then for the car ride to the pharmacy (and for the twenty minute wait there... lame) you were thinking about how awful the brace was. and how much it affected your life. and how awful it was to be hating that when some people have non-removable disabilities. those people would give anything to have one free hour a day, or to know that eventually they would get better.... and you complained because three years felt like an eternity and that one hour a day just wasn't enough for you. but it really was hard... is it so awful to feel that? i mean, you appreciate everything you can do now, so maybe it made you a better, stronger, more appreciative person. but it also messed up your relationship with the parents, especially mom. and maybe that would've happened anyway. who knows? but then when you realized that on the way back home, you knew you were going to be in a bad mood, because you already felt like crying, and you knew mom would notice that you were queit. and she definitely did. and you didn't want to explain yourself because you knew your sad thoughts would make her sad to. but now you're realizing that telling her nothing was wrong probably hurt her way more than the sad thoughts that were floating around in your head.... this e-mail is supposed to be about love. and happiness. and mom loves you. and it makes you happy. its the least you can do to try to help her feel that same love and happiness. just remember that, okay? (... not like you'll forget in three weeks) back to the topic of valentine's day and boys. so michael... how's that one going? i hope something has happened. if it hasn't (and the two of you are both free tonight) invite him over to watch a movie. let him take it from there. just do it. you never regret anything because you can spin anything in a positive light (hope you never lose that ability....), but i think you'll be happier come feb 15 if you just go for it with him tonight. i could be wrong though, so don't hate me if i am, okay? and zak. does he like you? do you want him to? you know you could never feel any kind of physical attraction to him... but you're feeling closer and closer to him every day, especially with all the climbing the two of you do, and the way he is showing more and more compassion and emotional attachment to you. he's with lakshmi anyway, so it's not like it matters. and if he wants something, you can always blame her so you don't hurt his feelings. ideally you're just good friends who like to go rock climbing together and who you tell everything about your life. but you have to admit, you would love it if he wanted to date you. he's got such an awesome personality, i mean... if a guy like him can like you, anything's possible. and don't let the idea that it's just because you're pretty that he likes you... you're not that hot. actually, you might be. but if that were the case, you wouldn't feel like he was getting closer to you, you would feel like he always wanted to be around you. you just need to be friends with him. he's too good on the inside and bad on the outside, and you know it. so, as promised... here is your assessment of your love and relationships and all that jazz. you want to love and be loved, and you do love yourself and think you're physically attractive. you want to feel about a guy the way you felt about max, and as of a few minutes ago, you're sure you will sometime. but you have got to stop thinking about him every time you kiss/date/think-about-dating another guy. and you can't lose sight of the beauty of platonic relationships with guys, good girlfriends, and your family. so, on this day dedicated to love, just be grateful for everything you have. love, you p.s. if you've forgotten what you're doing right now, i'll remind you. you are sitting at your desk wearing nothing but your blue underwear with "love" written on them, your striped bra with the heart cut-out and your ugg slippers. you are listening to the playlist you just made that started out about love, and became a reflection of your current mood. listen to it. remember this feeling, it's a good one.