Love is not a victory march; it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

I have absolutely no idea what to say. I don't know how I would say it if I did. It seems that... I talk about boys a lot? Which is only appropriate considering how many testicles I keep in my purse. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I sometimes wonder why I have self esteem issues when I think about the number of guys I could call who would date me in a heartbeat. I guess it all stems from the fact that I only tend to like assholes who would date a dog if it would give them some lovin'. That's not true. But it also kind of is. I went on my third date with Sean yesterday. It was incredible. Three for three. It's too good to be true (so I guess it's probably not, right?). He took me to the Shakespeare Tavern downtown. We had some ale, saw a fantastic show... and I was miserable. I was downright freakin' miserable. I had been pretty miserable since sometime during our amazing dinner. I wanted to leave, wanted to be anywhere else but near him. I was embarrassed, nervous, fidgety and awkward. I waited impatiently for the moments when he decided to go to the bathroom, or get some pie or drinks, so that I wouldn't be around him. And it's not him. Well, it is. But not really. But kind of. It's him but it's because of me. Does that make sense? I realized it as I was texting Christian while he was off somewhere doing whatever it was... I'm scared of him! Little Miss "I'm so much better than all these losers, I'm such a heartbreaker" is knee-knockingly afraid of little Sean! What is this? I'll tell you. Jacob and Luke. I was so, so hurt by Jacob. And then to turn around and immediately be cut down again by Luke? I guess it was too much because now every time I start to get comfortable and happy with Sean I just... stop. I shield myself, subconsciously. I tell myself that he doesn't want to be with me, and that he's bored with me, and that he thinks I'm too much trouble, or ugly, or fat, and/or a good number of other things. And then I have to sit there and pretend to be normal while all these thoughts are running through my head... it just stresses me out. It's awful. I like him... I think. Gosh, sometimes I just really hate myself. Three dates, Jessica. He probably doesn't even want to continue anything after August hits. Remember what Adam said... don't expect anything good from him. I can't be hurt again... I'm so scared to be hurt again. Had a dream about Seth last night. He and I were singing Blue October's "Congratulations" together while he played guitar. We got to the line "I want to give you something I've been wanting to give you for years: my heart" and I started crying. He looked at me very tenderly and said something I can't remember, then took my hand in his. I didn't know why he did that, so it made me cry more. It's getting better I guess... I hate that all my emails wind up being about boys. God. I just only really have two friends and both of them I KNOW are tired of hearing about it. It just sucks having all these thoughts and not being able to talk about them whenever I want to. I guess to sum it all up, I'm demented. :) Seth will always be there, I guess. And part of me kind of hopes Sean might be too. Talk about a long shot after this month ends. He's the only person (besides Brandon, but in a different way) that can make me so happy but so insane and upset at the same time. I'm sending this 6 months into the future so maybe if he's still around, he can read himself about how crazy I am. If he's not around, then I guess he already found out, or you told him, or both. And... I'm sorry. They can't be all bad... right? It's all so very extraordinary. I'm going to try to say that more often. Yessiker