Just another fuck up lost in time.

Hey man. Why did I ever think i'd be something great? What was it? Why was I so sure that there was more to this world than it is, that one day i'd be a hero and save everyone? I'm not going to do that. The world doesn't have heroes. It has people who believe others are heroes. I am not a hero. I'm barely a good person. I'm never going to go on a crazy adventure like in the movies, and i'm never gonna save the world. And what if I did? What if, against all the odds, it all became true. Every fantasy i've ever had to deny, what if they happened. What if I did wake up in another universe, or aliens did come to meet me, or I did develop powers beyond human comprehension or was able to travel in time? I'm be the least deserving person to have that power. I'd be terrifed with that power, man. I'm no leader. I have dreams, sure. But i'm not one of those people who can stand up and fight for them...I'm just a guy who sleeps all day, drinks all night and likes to get high. Guy's like that don't save the world. Guy's like that don't get the girl. Guy's like that don't get to be the hero. I keep saying bullshit like what am I fighting for, but...I'm not even fighting. I've stopped fighting, and every time I trick myself into thinking I haven't? I'm just...throwing a tantrum. What if i had a time machine. What if I could go back to that long haired hatter, and just...watch. Watch as I make all the same mistakes I have before. Imagine if that's the fate of the world? I keep saying what if my life is a TV show. But what if when you die, your life flashing before your eyes, thats the show. It's a TV show, but for an audience of one. Me. A version of me forced to watch all his past mistakes. I didn't ask for any of this, man. I don't KNOW what I can do. I feel like...I feel like i'm just breaking down completely, but fix myself with glue. What happened to me? I believed in people, Oliver. I believed in people so damn much. But the world is breaking down around me, and we're on the verge of fucking, world war 3, and here I am. Sat in bed, fucking high, and just...talking to you. How long will I have this right? When did I stop believing in people? When did it just become the memories of me believing in people? Do I really care? Or is that just how I think Oliver should act? Is it just that I think Oliver should be good, that Oliver cares about his friends, and... But I cry. These tears on my face, they are real. They are there, god damn it. As long as I can cry for something, I know there is something left in me that's still Oliver. Because the only way to truely be heartless is to never cry. Crying means something gets to you, it makes you sad and it hurts. I'm so scared. That's it, really. My damn fear, stops me from being the me I wish I was. I have a universe inside my own head but I can't even open the door. I can see all the things I could do, all the things i've given up on...Here I am, once again. Just...fucking up. Being an idiot, and doing nothing about it. Pat said i'd be better than he ever was...bullshit. At least he wasn't afraid to actually push himself. I don't even know if I like my friends. I think I do. But I don't know. My friends are so important to me, so why...why is there this shadow? Discord, the most loyal bunch of backstabbers you'll ever meet...But I believe in them. I won't let this world take that. Even if it's not real, even if it's just what I think I should feel, it's the right thing to do. Maybe...that's what it comes down to. If it's just the right thing to do. Everyone's a little fucked up in their own way, and I know that I sometimes hold my friends back. But they haven't given up on me yet... My name is Oliver. And you know what? I'm selfish. I'm petty. I get jealous over people when I don't even take into account what I have. I have so many damn flaws, and so does everyone else. And I am going to keep living. Fuck "37" is the limit, because life doesn't work like that. If I give myself a time limit, then it means I can relax. I can not try my hardest because, hey, i'm gonna die sooner than everyone else, right? Bull. Fucking. Shit. I'm going to live. I'm going to make videos, and i'm going to make bonds with people, and I am not going to fuck around anymore. I'm the only one who can prove to myself this isn't just me being high. I don't want to fuck up, man. I'm going to sit here right now, and cry. Becuase I need to. I need to just...cry. And honestly...I need a new friend. I need a friend who will hug me and tell me it's ok. I need a friend who will be there for me like I need someone to. I love my friends, but honestly, none of them can do that. Just once...I'm going to make it about me. I am so, so scared of doing that. But I really need a hug. Oliver, aged 19.