To Whom It May Concern

Hello Jacob, Or is it who? I don't fucking care. Listen here you fuck- you have graduated college now and I'm sure your world is just falling apart. But it's okay- the good news is you only have about a MILLION DOLLARS IN STUDENT LOANS to pay back. How is America now that Donald Trump is president? Honestly, I'll be surprised if you even get this letter, what with how he declared Martial Law. I originally wrote that as "Marshall Law" but looked up how to spell it so I wouldn't look like a DUMBASS. But I do anyways now so great going, me. Right now you are writing this at work because the damn place has absolutely nothing for you to do right now- they hired you as a videographer but didn't inform you that they had no access to video making software. What the fuck is that? I hope all is well, and you're well on your way to your dream job: WWW Wrestler. It's like the WWE, but all the names and wrestlers are just rips of WWE wrestlers. I haven't thought of a good name yet but hopefully you have. How about BONESAW? You basically just recreate the wrestler from the first Spider-Man, who was played by Macho Man Randy Savage, an all time great. Your tagline will be "BONESAW IS READY." And then you'll promptly get your ass kicked by Triple M or John Seeya. Well good luck with getting drafted into the military after Donald Trump started a war with Mexico. Don't fuck with the cartel though- they'll chop your head off and then send it to your family with a bomb implanted in your severed head that explodes and kills your family 30 seconds after opening the box. That's pretty devious tbh. Have a good rest of you life, which I assume will only be about another week or so, until nuclear war rains down on your head from Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin. Seriously though, who the fuck lets a guy named "Vladimir" lead a nation? Dude's very clearly a vampire. Anyways, talk to you later. Or never again. I don't know. -You