A letter from August 30th, 2017

Dear FutureMe, I'm lying on my "bed" in Na Hang, having arrived yesterday, feeling like I've made a big mistake in coming here. It's just all so foreign and I know I like adventure and have done similar things before but I've never felt so alone. I need to vent and I am literally the only person who gets me at the moment, so here you go. Maybe you ended up loving it or maybe you bailed and went back to Bangkok until Germany; either way, here is the current situation. I arrived in Hanoi at about 8:30pm on Monday (today is Wednesday). The flight had been delayed after massive lines at Don Mueang Airport in Bangkok, so I was somewhat tense about getting to Hanoi and to the hotel before check in closed. Fortunately they got my email and said it was all good if I arrived later. Upon landing, I handed over the documents to get my visa, which was processed in about 10 minutes and meant I could go join the immigration line. I got my stamp and then collected my luggage off the belt before going to a counter which was advertising SIM cards. I bought one for VND 300000 which I think is $20 or so and gives me unlimited data for a whole month, plus a whopping seven minutes of calling to Vietnamese numbers. It's able to be topped up though, so it'll suffice. The guy at the counter proceeded to offer me a taxi for 500000 VND but I declined that and found a guy offering 350000 VND. A rip off but it was late and I didn't care about money at this stage. He drove me out of the airport and through the toll gate, and then told me to get out and go with another taxi driver who was conveniently pulled over at the side of the road. A few alarm bells but the guy had a proper taxi and a licence thing on display, plus we picked up a nice Vietnamese couple and one could speak English and asked where I was going, so I felt safe. I was however expecting the new driver to charge me again, and say that I hadn't paid the first one or something, but it was actually fine and he helped me with my bags and gave me a big smile as he drove away. I didn't get to see much of the city apart from motorway and a lot of motorbikes, but it kind of felt a bit like Bangkok. My hotel was nice. The receptionist had really limited and weird English but we got there, and I talked to Thom, had a shower and went to bed. I woke up around 8 and after getting ready went down and along the street to the An Phu restaurant, which is where the hotel breakfast was. "Breakfast." I walked in, everyone stopped eating and stared at me, and the waiter showed me a little list of my breakfast options. Orange juice, strawberry yoghurt, mango juice, yoghurt and blueberries. Things like that, which all sounded extremely inadequate as I had skipped dinner the night before because I couldn't be bothered. I opted for yoghurt and blueberries as it sounded the most wholesome, but it ended up being a blueberry milkshake. I left feeling the same amount of hunger that I had gone in with. So that was not the best start to a day I've ever had. I went back to the hotel and packed my things then checked out, then walked about two minutes to My Dinh bus station. It was hectic there. Taxi drivers swarmed and people stared and no one smiled at me until I got to the ticket booth. A lovely young woman was in there and she had some English and she got me my ticket and told me to wait for 25 minutes, then her colleague would show me to the bus. Thank god for that. I went to a little store and bought some weird friands, Oreos and water. I saw a foreigner in there which was like a breath of fresh air and reminded me that I wasn't the only one feeling like a fish out of water. Presumably. I waited for 20 minutes and then a young man came and took me to the Na Hang bus. This one lady in particular's eyes were just locked on me. It was pretty full on but who knows, maybe she's never seen a foreigner before. The bus was a weird experience. All the seats were on the floor and reclining; kind of like a bus full of beds. So I got into mine and waited for 30 minutes or so until the bus departed. It took about six hours and for most of it the scenery wasn't that good but it got really amazing as we neared Na Hang. There was a low fog and bit of drizzle, and these towering mountains and big rivers raging along. Postcard stuff, you know? When I arrived at the station, Sao wasn't there so I used a minute of my seven and called her, and after that she appeared about two minutes later. She was surprised at how much stuff I had with me, but we managed to get it all onto her little motorbike scooter machine. We whizzed through Na Hang, which isn't really much to whiz through, and it took two minutes to get home. "Home." The Na Hang English Club is a living room with a yellowy-brown tiled floor, big sheets of white paper stuck to the walls, and a set of bunk beds in the corner, separated by a green and yellow curtain. A kitchen down the back, and a bedroom for Sao and her daughter, with a bathroom off of it. I knew it wasn't going to be luxury but I don't know how I feel about my "mattress" being a plank of wood with a straw mat over it. I don't want to sound ungrateful because Sao clearly doesn't have a lot of money and so its great of her to put me up but everything is so different for me, and she doesn't seem to understand that in New Zealand nothing is like this. After I arrived she left again to get food for dinner, and then came back and I chatted with her while she cooked and we ate together, sitting on the floor in the kitchen. Rice, pork, tofu and sausages. Not great but not bad. Then at 8 an "English class" took place which involved three 4 year old girls sitting on the floor with us. There were some flashcards with fruit on them and they repeated the words I said. Then they ran around and drew pictures for the rest of the time. And their parents pay for these lessons. Maybe other ones will be more worthwhile. I've just learned that some secondary students are coming to visit me in 30 minutes so I should hurry up and get to the point. Pretty much: this place is small and isolated and I am the only foreign face for miles around. I'm sleeping on wood and showering from a little tub filled with water. Sao can't understand my accent and pretty much everything I say, and doesn't comprehend that I'm out of my depth here and am not like her past volunteer who was from Vietnam and loved it here from Day 1 because the rest of her life was in crisis. I can't speak Vietnamese and noone can speak English, and somehow I'm meant to occupy myself for hours on end each day, for over a month. I feel isolated and alone and overwhelmed and when I talk about Mum I want to cry, and that's not a good sign. I only get homesick when I'm unhappy and I'm homesick now. Honor says I should stick it out cos I'll grow from it, and I accept that I've only been here for a day and so it still has a lot of chance to improve, but right now I'm feeling like I want to pack my things and sneak away in the middle of the night, get a plane back to Bangkok and never speak of this again. Maybe that makes me weak or maybe it just means I'm aware of my emotions, and maybe it means that he kind of messed me up a bit and weakened my defenses. I hope the secondary students will become my new best friends and understand my jokes like Sao doesn't, and I hope they can speak English enough to converse with them and I hope they get that I'm from essentially another planet. If I was listening to someone else say all this, I'd tell them I'd been in their position before and that it does get better once you find some people you can get along with and who can look out for you. I'd tell them to appreciate the amazing opportunity that they've got - seeing how a poor minority community in the far reaches of Vietnam live, and tell them to try and integrate into that culture because it would be the most amazing, rewarding thing of their entire life. And if someone told me all that, I'd say that they're right and that I know but I still just want to go. I'll give it a week and if it hasn't changed, I'll call Mum and see if she thinks I should consider bailing. My Thai family are always there and if I need them, I know they wouldn't say no to putting me up until I go to Germany. My priority is having a good time while overseas; that's what I worked all those months for, and I need to put myself first. ******* hell. You've got this Edie. I hope you've had the best time - enjoy the flight home and seeing everyone. I hope you're pumped for uni. Edie