A letter from April 11th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, How are you? I hope you are doing well. I might not have guessed where you are right now or what you have achieved, but I would like to start with some compassion. I would like to tell you that I am proud of all the struggles you have fought through and overcome to get to where you are right now. Please be kind to yourself. Please understand that you have tried your best on some matters and you might have to shift your perspectives to work things out again. I am your 23 year-old self writing to remind you that time is hard right now. The Covid19 pandemic is restructuring my entire life and practising self-isolation allows to reflect so much on myself. On normal occasions, I oft busy my mind from thinking about my vulnerabilities by scheduling endless outdoor activities. Since I can no longer go outside of my house, I find myself with all this free time to let my mind wander off. Here are some of my toxic thoughts. i) I am so useless at keeping my life together because I have no discipline. I do not follow plans and my day ends up being so un productive. Basically, I wasted so many days that I could use to learn new knowledge. ii) I have so little willpower in my own life and it sucks. My mind keeps hinting to me on where I should change but my willpower is too weak to actually do any change. As of current, the most bothersome thoughts are on my university assignment. I know that I have to complete those assignment but yet my body is telling me every reason to not focus. iii) I am just a spoiled child who can't even express to my parents how much i appreciate their supports all these years. I know that I have relied on so much of their money to get an undergrad degree and a master degree. It sucks to know that I am dependent and it sucks even more to know that I have no way of showing them that I can repay their debts. iv) living life as a queer person is tough because I foresee the crossroad that makes me choose between my family or the life that I want to live. It ******* hurt knowing that I might one day lose my family. They are the pillars in my life and I can never imagine a life without them. Yet, I want to live a life that is free from judgment and hatred. I guess I still dream of a life where I can laugh with my same-*** partner during my family dinner. It's just hard knowing that my mind cannot stop thinking about those thoughts. Oh Honey, I can assure you that the word to describe current me is 'suffocating'. But you know what, it's alright. I'll keep telling myself that it will get better as long as I take small baby steps each day to better myself. Things will ******* work out. Well, I guess I should shut up now. Either these toxic thoughts bring you pain or joy, I just want you to know that I trust in your decision-making. I believe that you must have made the best choice during critical moments. Do not blame yourself or regret your decisions because it makes you who you are today. I actually don't know if this letter even helps but i hope it does. For better or worse, I love you, FutureMe. Keep believing that tomorrow will be a new day and thing will get better. Love, Overthinking + Queer PresentMe