A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
2st1 disepu cednhag ni 23 ilfe are glniatk ym ot uyo and in n,ow w(oh ’im tath yrea lett)re, mellepoyct my down. Tbse eilf ti adn of asw osrtw my yrea hte. A a tno achtp my ew my orhug ticddeh reew inggo em ohrgthu m’oyds‘na 2t1s o,ne geart wsa sa adibryth. Did mligcnurb iwht by lal i konw etltil ayw hatt mteh be nad ebrsemetp oguttrhuoh yan ,ayer unowtd’l uodwl it fo nowd i the eidfnsr teh moce. Khsco nuoegh cdire ro o’ndt tpue,s utb ouy us igmth i’ve fo tohb o,ywrr emak ,yuo ahtt rfo teh. To eems atht wtan o,kwn yuo i pploee ea’rnt nda mtmssoeei awth lal hyet. Tllite ym apst taht ew oyu uodran aer t’nddi lntnyotacs rheet lnitu rae s21t eesiarl ihtnk frmo so it fo ew opelpe eht os thta ryea eusofl,r reoans rae yanm tusj that. Rya,e augetrda i alos tnsliyene isacdlui itddn’ i rdeopdp tuo adn htta acbeem. Pu btu a nda wdonenuf dne ohw n’dtdi i ilfe it beal liseppd tuwhito to gayo… moeseon onkw i ym tno with rof tog dolwu egibn leiv i hgohutr ovel how toin. Oru hlemcilt. Juts lfie nad yuo imh in on rthig wodr,l andhegc love em, eipvptscree si owudl sith my ryhegevint seh thta she’ llmpocyeet. .
I a off dna niu 3022 pu den agaedrutd guidanrtga wtne in feart yujl bcka whit in 12st ddi thguoh a m,e i ym yrea i eyar 21:. Uoy dwolu dorpu so be. Doupr i ma so. Ffo tsi’ adte, adn pu a a saw krmas rpceipento ,no ot ggbstie no the nda eevheiacntm ym of eendd ewf gnbie :) rsitf sluegcinnol ym sierdtsitnoa i.
.
A re,di up nddee i eth t’si giilvn iomgnv ,ltecimlh tiwh sbte vere out nda soeniidc eneb but. Adragdn of thgir it ckhos iinasotderts hu,tr ey,ra tlo teh ym in adn deid girnitw it a asw a atls adn iddmle. ,eomh tath fo nsmhot ahd a tuo to ecmo og tub mhi i tell a dnulo’ct hsiw he go nad ees fatre eltr,te ulpoec uyo lla wtero yuo at dan i ratef to ducol mhi svtii ouy lnowockd, you noti nawyay. ,ilwl) nwok eth vinreuse elef nto’d uroy i( has ckab oyu os abd.
.
I teshre tlle i iwhs dlcuo ahtt oyu hingts. Of am owh i uoy urdop like. 4 denkri sraey eatsidn i shwi woh of uyo aws ni to i reatl moemnt het. I ioespmr uo,y ma i iagenlh btu. I i ulroesf hesto ’dont to nda anth to i i,kel ahve irgowkn felmys oedbrb no hcild hael erndik us swa to rneni mrof ew ma eevr ma uro arwind yslfme nbe,e aprts gnbei elah htta of. E!t,tl)!er ew im’ cltnueryr uto hrbeotr ipomgn lehdpe nda tdyibahr no,w ltitle ecaubes htigsn ye(s a and etafr tbi a vahe ew dan our ht31 rane’t ggion am esniec sa 4 uoyr ’id wlel tish fuodn no sa ephwsen henpwes i gwntiri rgith. Tbu ignowrk on ngsthmoei is i ma htta. Uthr maornye so efle ma n’otd on atth uniaoebrsd ew i kgrwnio siht. Tno oru u,s ti ehort ton poslpee ot epicsnaoxtet yhet iwth uosr of si elda era yprieostibinsl oldh ot. Adn fo glnodih htta i know a ye’our lto. Ondw i’st yoak hsteo im’ itegnll ot put yuo ihnsgt. Ayko to ouy is’t oappsinidt levo oeppel. Ethir li,fe urosy suceeab ’tsi not ’tis. Uyro hsa ’rhteey eht you oyu ogind lees apicyact be ilginv to llet dlohus adn ceebaus life ton athw noe no ’ushndlot. Lla to htta odgni rea wath asrecsscoei yuor to era ’euoyr ltayeir heyt twnseeiss. Ightnon me asettrm. Hte pp,eahend it riesunev odvlheu’s if douwl llwi it heav vhae ,bcka uory. I hiottuw sfitr rieposm uoy lyluf i ah’vnet lcmithel ra(tpa ohhgtur sndoicies ti ofrm aedm gkniinht dna ttha ayn. . Gfith sucae nac loe)v? how. Out oluy’l gienb iwth fo on eb ydmaons teh sfnrdie ttleer i wkno fo hrdaptyefxie hits us all nto. Ni hitsgn iefl shit yuo ubt oefrc cant’. Ti tyeh tyeh ton rfo ogdo su, wkon rof btu otehr nto hcea yh’tree reew ’odtn oogd. Os mero cidveeer sdphfrinie of uoy than ypet awht vleo rae dan yuo hte rae os cmhu ertetb yuo rotwh hmuc adn rwee ivegn nad. To,u eht i too dna twha csueaeb is na warkadw tehor nypaotesilr den i yhte yas to to uro yoru us are nhew icwhh( nibge to ehnt on asw ierdnpfish eldbam ihsw emco an ctu ot uhotwti ktcaat it uoldc tgnhis wldaleo den m)e ehty tub daomnsy, wlfdoleo teh ehsoc ti. None lal etyevh’ aer of y’evou dan dteater horwt rueo’y trwoh teh uyo enhw otls tub ebcusae ,rodwl uoy thwi ihnigtnk nstasisen oeeppl is leki otuab era nto hte. Ni ot nda eht rwothy npesd i ydsa eruftu gnebi fo su nntdei efy,msl ym yu,o.
.
Osyrr, ’im.
Psleae rgivofe ,me.
Oy,u anhtk.
Oyu i oelv.
.
,evol.
32 eayr dlo me x.