A letter from April 28th, 2020

Aye yo, So today is my last day on Earth...wait for it. I am not suicidal, anymore at least. But yes it is my last day being 23. I am turning 24 tomorrow! Yayyy. First of all I want to thank the Almighty God for giving me another year in my life to celebrate. I feel way up. I feel blessed. (I remember Riley Curry) This year is a year of revelation. I learned and experienced so many things this past year that taught me so much. I travelled abroad for the first time and saw the world through a whole different perspective. I knew it already but experiencing it first hand made me realize there’s so much more out there and that life isn’t meant to be lived in one place. With that, I vow to travel more. I met Eric Michael Greene. Who may have been the one for me but instead I learned he is a lesson. We met and he came to teach me so many things I wouldn’t have learned on my own. I learned that no matter how compatible two people are, if the odds are not right then it’s not gonna happen. He was not meant for me but I knew deep down I wanted him to be. It’s been months but tbh I am still healing from the pain of him. Heck, he may not have even considered us to be together yet here I am lamenting and wallowing over what could have been. I’ve loved and I’ve lost and the pain is too much at times yet if you ask me, I’ll do it all over again. In a heartbeat. The love from it was just as beautiful and serene. I wish I can stop time and hold those minutes in my hands. Those little moments. His laugh. His voice. His smile. Never to let go. But I know grasping and holding on sometimes isn’t the answer. I love him. Our time together has ran it’s course. I wish it had been longer. I wish I knew it was gonna end so I’d have looked at him a little longer. Laughed with him louder. Talked to him deeper. I didn’t think we were gonna end. I didn’t want us to end but it did and I have no other choice but to let go. He’s amazing and I hope he knows that I keep him in my thoughts and prayers. I am rooting for him in every endeavor and I hope he knows in his heart that the love we shared will never be forgotten. I learned so many things about my self as well. Just this April actually and last night, I confirmed (with myself lol) that I have Aspergers. It feels overwhelming and liberating at the same time. I never imagined in my life that I have a developmental disorder. I thought I was normal but just a little weird and introverted but no, I am on the spectrum. It took me almost 24 years of my life to come to this point of self realization and awareness and heck I thought I was self aware. Eric helped me here, unknowingly. It was those little moments with him that made me wonder. He used to tell me something to the effect of my body language and/or facial expression doesn’t coincide with what I am saying. Like I can say something sincerely but would give an eye roll. Which I totally have no clue on. Yep, sign of Aspergers. I can talk to him but make no eye contact. Yep, Aspergers. Not just to him actually but to every people I talk to but he was the first one to point that out. Wish I can thank him and at the same time say sorry. I hope to be clinically diagnosed soon too so I can get all the help that I need. Sadly, developmental disorders, unlike mental illness, has no cure but this won’t stop nor hinder me. Instead, I’ll do better and prove myself not to anyone but to myself. **** I’m feeling good. Ain’t I? We are in the middle of a pandemic atm, the COVID-19 or Novel Coronavirus Disease 2019, and so my birthday wish, as corny as it maybe, is that I hope and pray for it to be over. So many lives have been lost. So many people have suffered. This has long been a very dark and uncertain times for all of us. For an introvert like me, the quarantine and stay-at-home orders are nothing. Yet I must say it can be very very hard so I hope everyone can endure a bit longer until it is safe for humanity to come out. One thing though, I am secretly elated not having to go out for my birthday. I never fancied any party or celebration for it so this is perfect. It is one thing spending my birthday amidst this crisis. Makes you appreciate life even more. I wish and pray for a better Earth. Where people are sensitive in the needs and feelings of others. Where people are more empathetic and not quick to judge. I wish my parents to be in their best health ever and for papa to stop all vices specially smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. I wish to at least meet Eric in real life and see how he is in person or maybe not, whatever is for the better. I wish to learn more, improve on myself and live up to my potential. So that’s the 23 year old me signing off. To the Maegan you are today, you’re doing just fine. Keep grinding. Be kind. Don’t be too hard on yourself.