A letter from Feb 12th, 2022

Dear FutureMe, I feel like I'm just a shell waiting for a hermit crab to stumble upon it on the beach. I have everything a hermit crab would want: I'm going to be a doctor in 2 years' time. I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend who would do anything for me. I have an amazing array of friends who are all interesting and spectacular people of their own. I am able to walk and move with ease and I can sense the world in every way (except for my sense of smell and need for glasses). I have a loving and involved family that I adore and want to be a part of. I have every privilege imaginable, yet I still feel like I don't belong and that I am just waiting for something to make me feel less like a ghost in my own life. I have meticulously cultivated this image of who I think I want to be. The girl who surfs, tans, reads by the beach, escapes to waterfalls and islands in her spare time. The girl who paints and gardens and collects crystals and rocks to display by her bed. The girl who has friends and family and a partner who loves her and she loves them. This image misses out on everything else, however. How I sobbed in the car when my dad was sent back to the hospital. How I couldn't get up from my closet floor because I was so overwhelmed by my life. How I would go ages without showering because it just took up too much energy. How awful I felt when I selfishly realized that while I loved my dad and wanted him around, a part of me wished that he went through with the attempt he made because then I wouldn't have to bear witness to how he is now. This disconnect is not a new feeling for me. When I was in grade 8 my greatest wish was that some soul could enter my body and pilot my life for me, while I could just tap out for a while. It would make sure I got the best grades, ensure I was the best to my friends and family, keep up with my exercise goals and surpass them. I could then re-enter my body with everything done whenever I wanted. I am now 20 and I still feel like I would jump at the chance for this offer. I feel so numb. I noticed this feeling creeping in months ago. I don't take pleasure in things I used to, everything feels mechanical. I feel this crippling feeling that everything is going to go wrong. I am so tired. My sex drive has been crushed. I can't enjoy going on walks anymore as it feels more like something I have to do than something I want to do. I can't sleep without having nightmares about giants eating me and my friends and family. I just want to curl up in a ball in my room and fade away. I wish that I could just disappear. I wish that I was a little kid again. I thought that making my bed in the mornings and keeping everything clean and tidy would help. It definitely did for a bit but now I feel like nothing helps and that I have to do it now or else I feel awful. I often have thoughts about getting into car accidents or that I'm being watched or that I might be killed or go missing. I feel like I don't belong where I am and that I don't deserve anything I have. I want to feel ok again. I want to be able to be content. As content as I was last year in that new bikini sitting on the rocks and reading by the ocean last year in June. That feels like my last proper moment of clarity and I don't even know why. I've had so many great experiences since then. Maybe this numbness and anxiety will go away and I hope it does. In the meantime, I hope you are well, and no matter what I will always love you and understand you.