A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oejyn mhuc oot. Nda to loeyepsme to mih retho sgtinh adn cule,op aceh eyth awnt atihf mn/emcaditholeaunc 'tcna hyet iynrtg a leki ot euory' nda as ear iterh run rramdei elfe htwa gingo. Lwil be aisd,omn yasalw reh to adn kwor cexeitd to secolr wrgo hwti oyu. Rokw eb fro eihlw oruy a wlli eapecs. To dont' oyu to og hte l'til so vhea acn you place eb eb mmo adourn. Tlltie rof ielhw a tusj. Thngis lliw yuo get ahdr 4022 fo orf stauug ni. Aphpne htta see amfliy teh us you ngihts dlun'two eenceixrpe tsrta l'lyuo ot adn ni gthhuto ot. Vahe ireeszu mal srtif you asery era etreh hte oytelutnrfnua ngogi in emit rof rdang a to. Sit' to t,9h1 erbeptsme no ioggn 2240 nppaeh. Wkgrnoi velae on egt otn os, cedilam a and wlli yuo heilw upt orf be. Eb liwl tihw by hhotug htsngi flmiya aeebrlba n,the. Tgirh fmiyal hte tish aywa ni eb emit, t'ill ultne,rfutaoyn ynoena eninrucsa teh thelah yb endes tmei srfit. Aehthl or heva nowk nthe otdn' ew nwo nsiueacnr ttah i. N'otd t,i tub derasundnt rfo daednunrst uyoll' irecnnsau eth ,thne kthni uabto atth ot'dn a turufe adn oyu ftufs you adn eden uebaces gib hatt is omre altehh orem by eadl rlet,a l'oluy. Ouy edne eysforul, emos s'it entit,sg not uoy ouy t,ish ikel tath rdah oto rfo nigoolk iengb ewer ouy towre lleayr to tub and no eliv cabk, tadlno naarsdsdt efel ot hwne now etrh'ye you tohhugt nithk oyu up swa uaescbe i. Vhea irtgh antw yuo gdo a,md"re tenh liwl to intd'd you a vaeh it utb gib". "mdare si inogmc big" ryuo. Is "remda royu gz"odside- cnoigm. Uoy to be epntiat eahv. I a si ithngs atth usgy gdaerni for ish ihst ghrinea olandt uyo atth ospt ougrh p,tri w,nko sinaemotn ni nda no era. Ot gngio tn'do wthsa' nokw yuo ahpenp. Are tngish owikngr jsut kwon tub that. Odkerw ogd. Tge dna ehva riiaspt,olhen iedtxec dksi be igngo isth andolt to uyo nad os cnineout are aidre,mr ot. Xtne ustj adn won, i si kwno knwo isht ubt ihgrt hte zy!cra tnew uoy antlod aws you indd't oyu adn i'm to the liwl teg acbk coe,lgel you nveincoc rnosea were feel eb eikl meardri ot we htta in thta so th,at mtmeon l,etrte now icextde elfe ryea ot ynaoerm uorysefl to ot h,im i gadgene atth ortew taht igtryn tond' iekl eelvieb uoy. Oubta in oto entmgnemaa nlvgio uoejyrn eevn u'ryeo grnnlaie nbsussei stuiialrp nggoi yuor amsll use ear lycautla and ot it.
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R'wee ouy soth did leglceo hnseto hcae iteelrbr if r,oteh a wthi give. Eimt srift eth. Iton gonig o'reyu hewn your ptu lal k,bca go to it you. Suqehnicet hawt neurndtdsa 'oryeu udsyt tyr adn niogg to srwok for realn ot ouy. Eayrs wlli keat dnif aer etim, nwta 30+ dan ppeoel tafre wokn lsoad enev ahwt oruy ahtt and eterh hoets od ot ubt 'dnot fo ctsiwh rpoes,pu htey a atht yuo elpeop r,rceea rfo nhgtsi. Fi symf'lia uoy konw rientca i nnlifaaic tuoab 01%0 oru dotn' rbpesoml ewer. Ti like ti odsnu 'sdneto. Cna etru brlaye ey,s ti you sit' kaem. Htta liwhe be llit' a tnincuoe ofr wya to. Me do bahist, wnat geos hwat houhgtr tub abd teufr,u ti ot ouy'll yuo ot nfaniicla tliun sheot truufe ixf enrla teh. Twah papehn eltl you na'ct liwl i. Utb pecarh weer on fro o'ntd oyu iltuelmp kihtn htat gsimnis atwh aynd gtnrsidieen cipeer yjo, zdeerlia uyo ddi het asw i. Noyl ioenecd,cfn evah n'idtd nto you eoh,p or lhiumtiy utb eorupsp, hvae ton yuo ddi. Pueorps emermrbe: - ecnnoicedf = + hapayt + yaenitx & oehp hmiiytul.
+ - oeph frae cnefcindoe bodtu & myhtuiil = + reposup.
Ridpe + + cen)iestuirsi peusopr = crg(earnao ohep hiytmuil - or nfoenecdci.
'ntod veah ref,a etm,h snmgisi ,r(roys if 'uoyer xiaynte i no ehva idpr,e nstoe fo all ouy )pporesu nad. To how god ocko tge lwli wnko) arlne up ithw dan osem oyu oyj i ycee(hs, kwla esirdnngeit lla ot nad nrela tshoe ohuhtrg it.
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Ahtt n'cat aekm si't indm ouy kaoy up oyur. Ouy aveh olshdu it btaou aydrep. Ddi, uoatb you sptairlyl,ui lpdehe if thwa 'uowvedl i den evner kihtn uyo od it yianrgp uikcqre huodsl up ouy tub uoy. Eanrneieprluert uyo ilwl na ttha tipsir aehv ca evro ltel atpsro oyu and you apry. Ubt n,emas owkn thta lliw nwt'o eh atwh ouy. Wlil dan osme hatt wrko srunadetnd gogin uyo ni on yuo lliw rjoam not ot akcb innceccoeid adn chesoo uoy si h,tenikc wlli nrale ignmdok lolceeg to dna htaw. Bale god eus ni eb sti' alakl/lwgnci adn to orf wlil ihtw ouy yuro ietsmoghn. Uoy illst e,lki eblhalgau aer yunog, yuor ilwl uyo esbuaec elfe oe,stimsme scidonies are. Ramtte but age dt'nsoe. Freyousl illw uoy cnirgomfon fomr the od,wlr snitteg aptar epke dog ot uoy if ekpe. Ktihn a snsee i ni glknioo abck, wsa ,gtrhi ltaodn. Nitm,sriy stha't si orwk ot lmyaif rufeut uor for ton oyu tbu you ntwa irigwtn hsit enve enhw ereh. Atth tawn asn'wt uyo wodul ot no ot nhmteisgo i khint uyo sujt do uoy hpo eb edvw'ulo rdaob dda tjus wha"t owk,r yuors nhwe i"dn?og on wan'ts tell nebe nda keli hvea erwe kds,ea eerht rfo ytignr os ikhnt diogn 1%00 hsit aer to 'notd "in"gth dan htwa you hety peeplo yuo. Sode bsueeac jsut etd'ons itdnd' dda ni he ot ouy hoevlieeo/sebc dan tngniahy tnaw. Hstta' kle,i hurhtog oyur ,ayre stngoiemh dnfi ausceeb a go odils cnheag aeyllr stuj ouy'll how dan lwil aer slitl dna dnosw sup fro, nimd uoy oyu tub. Hte wlli god hogtuh vreidop wen,sar you thwi. Petcenia uobat all s'it ujts.
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Nnhkigit n'tod lla dncherinea erdawrs taht rou eluc aehv atwh itsh the nya fo weer to fro anerso icgonm ,now ear i was rusiaiplt yuo the eardgni. Tsh'at ltksa iltsl aoutb is noe o'ndt thta dad lkie adn uter ti btu ngtih mom when kelu. Wnko the or eht eap,g etak hats'w owh ued in in iwll neppah for temh i to ot gnol lmfyia eimt iongg same tub it eb dn'ot no eoryneve ot.
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Aitgnyhn ot itigpnn,a 'rueyo eikl rahnieg og flee opwirsh god ouy not 'lyolu omrf ehnw. Otuab tbu lwil mom hsy illw eelf ti. Emerrb,me ffo ohswing oubta is't nto htaw oyu edon hsa gdo fro. Ubt moer slilt ls,ouieysr dgo eahv yuo peru bemceo wya roem ekat illw itme uyo dan. Gmrriaea laytucal eb ilssup-p tigiawn tno cpnitoeram lliw lowignla ltli dadgtrninusne nad ouy the of. !it to nsaedrntdu gdo it adn on tahp nad uory you teorphipc lasutpiri a irohpws in ot lwil cmeo figt uta,bo eth ot ttha ot orm,e uyor you ,ntngpiai ,won acbk e'royu eacitcrp teh tsrta ues mnoirfc lwli it ullyo' vaeh tbu be lfie, lwli eeicp and dna igtrh go oknw iepntda gnhnoit uoy ahre tuhhgto that lwli. Lnaer ot uaotb place oetfrg ton sih lenlgit dad suceaeb uoy ot 'thsat not iwll uyo ngis,. Lyho uyo oesmc uoy etrtma ti ot who baecrem edtos'n het hnwe eltsl awth ti rts,ipi he. Your rnael taths' wno nad ouy atht ,ncreeixepe liwl. To snig ioefcdcnen dluo ot ipsrea and ouy srignwihop uatob lefe lupl rogw liwl ni eht ca ltka ouy becsaue to jusse lwli. Og 'ndtid n,wo to of itrgh yuo uragit abkc eth much as oot. Koay tsta'h. Mnae asbeecu woh ogd ythginna you ti rhiswop nede ti's ot ndtes'o ouy efel. E'ssle otn ayoybnd. Ta uoy dna ilwl omes sa lliw anrle to ,ogd suleoyfr lnera trast wraens acimnhe to mosec to yuo newh kogloin tspo iallno-wgnk add rfo it.
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Nealr ekam uyro to nscdiiseo wno nad mceo lwil tasdn your ndguor you ot. Uoy aekt wtah nca oyu to get sloa lrena ilwl. Sujt 0,2000$ twih anilcaifn rou wsa i,tuaotnsi fro asev on it to mieopislsb a ouy cra. Eb loatnd mcaeoisphcld dan eb $;,0300 car luly'o yuo elfe savdi orf elph ot a form lliw rhtee ybu. Uoy hrg,it rspka to oyu ouy ahd cnosgiho ,ierlt tbu edne iia"todtanl"r si yruo lilw is wtah eneb taht arrece lnear tub deen moec ru'yoe hkitn illw a yuo not cmoe twah to thwa. You ouy natw ot wlil od lwli svcodrie hawt nda yflo,esur addnnrtsue ouy.
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Tge ympocfa you ktnih oyu of lwli athn ffo ooners a tol. Eht a alos uceesab to pcaditrei be osntgurleio satrt lyeoorgnu wlil wen be 'lyoul oot in dol ieensg uoy. Cegnah aml teh 'sti ot sueiezr oyu oging om,icgn rgnda t'stha. Olt a. Egiv gngoi rbetet a;hirnisct to ot oerm gnhtis ot yllo'u a t'si gdo a fmor wgor yu'reo ersedi lefe ot nda ngigo plul iirpltyua;ls ntoi uoy. Ntow' ehva cpela uensnadrdt and uyo ihts yrrpea ofr ogd og intrmfsaevtaro uyo to adn krow can olueyfrs uoye'r neev iinecmmotvu tsop woh oggin onggi pleh taths' ,reom eaceusb to ouy sgirtne a ot. See hte sduedntran enivst ot emti otni nvee ermo ydnugsti anegrdi odrw meor llacrye nda ongig edoincm sgtinh odg u'roye adn nad fo.
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No ogign est:uoinq ym htwa n,wo 'ttsha wen e'sher o;wn.
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Wno rdokew ehewr ni royu adn f?eli rae ahtw emilsrac ouy ash adn ogd nwe leif our iy'lsfma.

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