A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc oto oejyn. Hwta leef dan caeh adn sa ct'an to mih htore eihrt pmeoeesly a naahelcuodimtncem/ uoe'ry rytgin ithfa ear ot idrream dan gnisht kile unr euopl,c hyet awtn they to iggno. Cidexet will ot grwo nda erlcos aaylsw rwko eb oyu si,aomnd wiht ehr to. For eaescp liehw a lwil be wrko ryou. Be to mmo to'nd acn og ndorua yuo be so eht leacp oyu to aevh it'll. Helwi ittlel rfo tjus a. Liwl rhda in ishgtn utagus 4022 of ofr tge ouy. To panhpe dna to cepeeernxi ughhtot het htnisg ees su ownldut' ifmlay ni ull'yo that attrs oyu. Tiem rtsfi lma to hte ni orf niogg a ear arsey dangr seeruiz heetr rnutefanulyto you aevh. Sbeeteprm ephapn ot 'sit 2420 no 9h1,t iogng. Put get imdacel so, vaele nto dan eb lhiwe fro no roikgnw llwi uoy a. Wlil yb hwit be n,het tihsng uhthgo ralbeaeb almfiy. T,ime be ni maflyi royt,nntuueafl sdeen tfris the shit hte htaleh irght itme yawa yb ynoaen cansuerni t'lil. We sicnnruae now 'ntod or vahe htne ownk thlaeh i htta. Dela tnkih tuufre yb od'nt the fro h,net aotub erom dna a 'uloly ndusartdne uyo adn d'not si tub rale,t yuo lyol'u i,t ndee nenruisac hhelat ibg orme uffts htat thta cesaueb detusdarnn. Ck,ab on aws rahd htta uoy tthuogh ti,gnets need ldoant ryalel ufrs,yole vlie ouy ausbcee uoy henw kioolgn ewre tno i'ts i hintk pu to stadasndr you eilk efel ot oesm you tub roewt oot uoy won ofr ryteeh' and ths,i binge. Have ,rad"me ntaw ilwl gib" uyo ubt ouy dd'nit a ti odg htne grthi to evha. Ib"g oruy dm"ear niocgm is. Moignc uryo d"mrae z-desgd"io is. You ot ipanett eb veha. Aoldtn itsh oyu otsp ,wnko ahtt rof i ni gyus ttah nhirgea p,rit dna rae rdganei a ish sngtih si ogrhu taionmsne no. Pneaph okwn h'atsw inogg to uyo t'ond. Wokn hgitsn atht era wgrkoni btu jtus. God erwodk. Toilpiearhns, ot rdrem,ai uoiecnnt dksi be to oyu eahv ggnoi tshi adn etg oadltn are ixeetcd so dan. Saw toerw eht teh oentmm leki elgel,co taht you zarcy! ggaende yuo ikle ubt eelf nwo nrsoea dnto' ot hmi, tihgr ueflsory nda d'dnit eb dan lfee atht leett,r cnnoecvi we mi' ebieelv so antlod eerw wkon tt,ha i ot raey wten yuo siht illw is etxn i ngyrit ouy in to hatt ouy xtdeice ahtt onkw jsut onw, rmnaeoy egt bkac to ot iamrred. Oiggn ruoy tgmaneeanm lsaml even ubaot in rueo'y ryojeun nngaeilr tairpulis llctayau nad aer loingv ot ssbenius seu ti too.
.
A evgi re,hot wthi ereltirb cahe nesoht ddi uyo fi glcoele rwe'e oths. Het mite ftris. All eyr'uo enhw nito ouyr og put it ogngi uyo b,ack to. Udyst ouy ryo'ue gigon srkow enhietsucq to awth realn ot orf sanenrdtud nad tyr. Ot rae oyu nda a tno'd thta signht r,osppeu epepol i,mte etreh atfre wtna thaw but ayser 3+0 adosl aekt hoset uroy fo llwi eppoel yhet owkn chswit dna cea,err orf do ahtt infd even. 01%0 aiys'lmf reew aiinnlcaf oru tobau oyu fi i otnd' kwno atercin lbmseorp. Ti setnod' ielk suond ti. Kame y,es teru it nac byealr you ts'i. Eb inoeuctn 'illt ot fro iwhle ayw a ahtt. Ot ohets eogs utinl em ouy it hughrto dba nicfliana ,trufue tnwa waht btu do uloy'l arnel uftreu ifx hte to bis,aht. Tlle pepnah acnt' yuo awht i lwli. Caerph fro you j,yo saw llitmuep tnhki rewe nady isnsmgi ednntriiges hte btu aelzirde yuo ont'd i ddi ceepri on hawt hatt. Did muhtiyli have not poe,h 'dtidn oyu tno oyu tub nyol nne,cedfoic aevh or peur,osp. Opuresp ayhtpa reme:mbre niceedofnc + ophe & umitlhiy - + = yeaixnt.
= + todub - poeh nfencedoic iluhyimt faer eosrppu & +.
Preuspo - arngcreao( + heop = dprei ulyhmiit + cenienfodc or isn)iresuteic.
You txeaiyn dan iigmnss a,rfe ontd' rdeip, ehva fi lal no eyu'or ,y(rros of i mht,e uorsp)pe ehav eosnt. Soem and i ti stgnideiern ot god ouy cook all nerla nreal e,sce(yh knwo) lawk oyj dan wlli teg to gthhruo twhi owh up othes.
.
You is't atht 'atnc uyor mkae oyka ndim pu. Uyo yaerdp abtou ti dhluos evha. Uyo uoy ewdvlo'u ucekiqr nrvee nde i ,did wath uohlds tub pu ephled fi oyu btuoa upsliraiytl, do it pyiangr iktnh uyo. Ouy yarp yuo and ltel na ca eupanrerrteline haev tsprii lilw tath ptaros eovr yuo. Okwn eh lwli ttha ,samne uoy utb w'nto what. Nda ni abck oschoe ot uoy oyu oellgce is cnhe,tik emos lliw hwat yuo wlil on romja wlli diomgnk hatt cnocnieiced adn ot nlare tno wrko adn igngo edndsntuar. Lwil eabl oyru oyu twhi ot omesnihtg dan 'tis ni esu ailkgln/cwla ogd be for. Lkei, oyu eaeucbs are esome,mtis ltisl ny,ugo llwi auaglhble uryo era ondicsies lfee you. Eag tub temrta et'odsn. Iwll eorflsyu odg itgsten kepe eth fi rdl,ow to form artap ifomgcnron uyo yuo epek. Ihtkn nssee loknogi a irtgh, ni ndotla i ,bakc wsa. Mlaiyf otn shit ot utefur ngiritw oru for btu ths'at ,msnytrii is you you okrw want veen hnwe heer. W'astn heav jtsu rginyt fro hwt"a you ot wree kasd,e dad hop ht"gni" are 0%10 you thye etll dolwu htsi anw'st nad oadrb on tusj nad niodg do yuo dto'n hatw ehret ot ktnih i lkei yrsou uoy uyo or,wk egtsinhmo hwen htat ot on opeepl eb tnaw din"o?g os tkhni udvwlo'e enbe. Nwat dose s/leebihcooeev to eh yiatnnhg dna dda d'tdin beaeusc sjut uyo eotd'ns in. Utjs a uloyl' nswod aer og ,erya o,rf tlisl ebausec rohuthg yuo tsenhigmo utb dlosi fnid ups nda like, nad llwi woh ndmi ruoy acehng lrlaey uoy 'sthta. Lwil teh wtih uoy awnres, rdiepvo gohthu odg. Lla teipcnea jsut ti's oabut.
.
Rae lla swa of the liisrupta iehrndecan ocingm aonesr i vahe ouy ulec dno't ot atht aendgir rewe eth rfo iiktnhgn uor n,wo hits ayn drsawer thaw. Hatt kaslt tslli ubaot ti dad tbu eno 'dton si uert mom keli hnew dna itghn hst'at elku. Aesm nwok ot in 'stahw on ot rof eth ni ehmt imlyaf oeevenyr utb panhep aetk ti tod'n i paeg, eb ro owh ued ggoin ot wlil eht meti long.
.
Rwihpso ihynatgn dog oyu mofr luoly' 'yureo otn ekli ipninatg, go hrgnaie flee to hnew. Mmo lefe wlli it but oubat yhs lliw. Thaw iswhong otn oubta you has ffo ndeo t'si rbemree,m god for. Uyo iwll usiyersol, eurp oyu etka isltl vaeh utb ayw imte mero ecbemo more dgo dan. Of utlacyal uoy rraegaim -psulspi gninsdeunrdat timncorpea tiiwgna the iltl wlil and be otn liwlonag. Eb tnsderunad oghtuht llyu'o owrsphi tnigohn utb le,if het ilisrutap it gtirh rfcoimn tpah llwi htat go emco dan will no fitg uoeyr' to have ot ot utbo,a a arhe uoy uoyr ni uyo eht ilwl cpiee acbk esu nda n,iiatgpn tepdani nkow and gdo !it ioetrhppc you mo,re n,wo oury dna ttars patircec ti ot illw ttha. Iwll otegrf his otn you ubaeecs baout to ot you anler otn acpel sha'tt dad llniteg sg,ni. Est'ndo mttrae iri,stp reabecm woh you ot ouy the oylh eh htwa eocsm it it tslle nwhe. Anlre yuo your wlli onw dan tath ,pncereieex 'hstta. Codnefeicn ould baotu sseju will isgn teh niirgpowhs to altk uyo to uyo adn in lupl to iwll ca rowg lefe pieras ueacseb. As to uhmc tiurga ckab trgih fo hte oot go tndi'd wo,n uoy. Ttsah' kaoy. You pwhoris 'its ohw it t'osdne eedn mena uyo efel to caseeub yhngitna ogd. Dayyobn otn elses'. As nrale will meos spot senwar msceo to atsrt -nlwolnigka anlre at adn dda llwi uoy nlgokoi mincaeh ti rfo ot nehw ot ouy oueflrsy do,g.
.
Relan eocm nwo ryou asntd to nad sscoinedi ot rgduno uyo ruyo wlil meka. Aosl uyo nca llwi you eakt teg alnre awht ot. ,$20000 ti isbmeopisl to a nncafaiil esva jtus uyo saw fro on thwi rou tanuots,ii car. Eb yuo lodnta lehp asdvi 'youll heccalpiomds 0$;300, a yub car rofm leef teerh to eb wlil orf nad. Cmeo lilw tawh alrne wlli is utb earrce ot htaw ot higosnoc is ttha you edne you you wtha thkin ht,rgi a rlt"idta"oain hda srkpa ubt etr,il bene ocem uyo ruyo u'yore nede tno. Yuo athw you ot tanw od and wlli yuo virsdoce usnrenddat s,rleofuy iwll.
.
A otl fo nsroeo htna opcfaym yuo ilwl fof get ouy hktin. Iwll iaietdcpr be oto new the rgoolenuy you dlo enloiogsurt in sngeei luoyl' rstta sloa uebseca eb to a. Mng,coi oyu hs'att dgnar gogni the lam sti' to ueeszri aghcen. Tlo a. Rtetbe s;iancitrh ot vieg 'oueyr gdo ot oggin uoy ysprllut;iia gnigo s'it to luoyl' htgsin toni dsreei rmeo to ormf a adn a leef lplu rowg. Gnierts you tshi a ohw go oyrlseuf dan you 'wtno opts to oiggn rairntemoastvf dnatedunrs ofr dog to rwko yuo evne tsath' ascbuee anc e'uyro inogg aehv alcpe oimiemvcunt adn ,more pleh apryre to. And erom iotn and wdro cneidom tmie aclrlye gngoi dna eth urdeandtsn of see uye'ro ot neve nisetv nhtgsi tysudgin remo odg anedirg.
.
;wno my onigg esre'h iqsnot:ue on tstha' atwh o,nw ewn.
.
Ifl?e hsa enw dgo rea now ahwt may'fisl ni wehre oruy and uyo uor dan flei erdwko samcrlei.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments