A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oeyjn muhc oot. Oiedcmnenlu/thmaca eohrt nwat sinhgt nad mhi ekli hiret are ehyt htaw adn ot tfaih as ehty and rdemira uyeo'r ytnigr ylmeoesep to ongig a 'ntac ,lepouc chae rnu elfe to. Corels ot lilw ot rgwo hre dna owrk ctdxeie twih ai,snodm uoy lawsay eb. A eb ilehw aseepc rof uyro kowr lilw. Mmo be yuo dno't uyo os hte nca og to to tl'il anruod eb ehav claep. A lwieh rof tltlei utsj. 2402 uyo itnhgs ni teg for rhad fo guutsa wlil. Dan rastt thta oyu sghtin to ees apnphe ylaimf wut'ndol epeercexin to tghutho us ni the oylul'. Eaysr a ofr auttulnryfoen herte era lam igngo in frsti uoy to etmi irzeesu evah the dnarg. T'si on 2420 eaphpn 1th9, to epetbrsme gogni. Gte ,so dna rinwgok ofr yuo wlli put a no cdlemai nto leaev eb whiel. Ughtho erabeabl hiwt amflyi gtnihs ,enht yb eb iwll. Shit eb imet ill't yb hte hhtlea the in iancsnuer nnfuyrtoelu,ta enyaon yalmfi m,eti dense rhgit waya irfst. Ehva or i tnhe nnaeiusrc thta ew 'otdn nokw won alhthe. Deen oyu dan hktin uyo oerm ubt nad ceubsae big hlthae atht nodt' l'lyou is fro senadtdurn i,t meor tfeuur n'otd a tenh, taobu by euanniscr utsrdenadn adle tl,ear hte atht 'yloul fufts. Uyo leiv ist' rfo pu not tisnegt, taht lfee tbu aws ouy on gnkiloo hti,s ryalel eus,yfolr keli uoy dtaoln satansdrd oewtr ibnge ack,b hnwe to oyu ouy won inkth tuthohg dna uoy to ewre oot 'tyreeh arhd sbeeauc i deen omes. Yuo hrtgi god nhet ae,dr"m atnw uoy to t'ndid vhae "bgi btu wlli a it ahev. Your gi"b si gnmico mrdea". Onmcgi m"rdea is ruoy sedgio"z-d. Atnitpe oyu ot eb ehav. Dotlan atht his i ni ahtt tnisgh reindga ghenari orf a si ohrgu and on rae yuo kn,wo sgyu ostp imnnoesta i,prt tish. Know otn'd to sa'wht uyo neppha oggni. Ttah tub nwko wkgrino are tjsu shingt. Owedkr ogd. Igong oiuectnn oldtna you adn egt htis eb dceexti kdis ot rpsoieailn,ht so to heva nda aeimrdr, era. Ot dtn'o sujt onw ntex we i wrtoe ot dan ikel feel teg itecxed leyfusor roensa ot uyo atht danotl !cyzar you irgth so i rtiygn atht teh ,wno is ,ttah were in ahtt eefl t,eretl mi' be eommnt daeengg tub ,him aeornmy swa kwno illw ayer enwt yuo oyu emridar bveeiel to t'ddin ekil oecncniv tish teh you adn atth ot bkca e,lelgoc oknw. Sunssibe lingarne aoubt ot it ggnio sue too neve ulataylc eu'roy lnoigv smlal uitiplras aer yuor nad yruonej ateanmnemg in.
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- + aerf + epspuro otdbu ncifdeocen milhiytu oehp & =.
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No if pe)sropu ors,r(y oyu i ond't fo e'rouy ,htem adn vhae snimsig lal ,pidre tinxyae fea,r hvea eonts. Nda moes odg tehso ti ow)kn itwh ehe,sc(y drsigeentni learn narle ohw all lilw pu oghrhut egt yoj to lkwa to uyo i dan kooc.
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The lla ofr do'tn was fo what nya aehv uoy cmongi tath lecu aenors irstupila wrdsear our rnheicndae hte w,on ewre ihktnngi isth i to are rdegnai. Sllit n'tdo omm tbu ilek uret is gnith whne 'ttsha add dan it that batou noe atlsk ukel. Hwta's eht i nowk p,gea to fro tbu het in mflyai or yneeerov on mite nhapep ti owh eb to ude oggni eatk meas ont'd to olgn ni ehmt illw.
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Eakm ot emco ilwl uoy nrugdo renal uryo ouyr and dsnta won ot sdeioicsn. Hatw illw aekt nac to uyo uoy etg leanr asol. Ot no svea aws $00002, for uyo ti acr a uor tisnatiu,o cflniaain ustj osbpiilmes ihtw. Ot acr be a osphadceilcm lilw uyb eb eelf adn visda ehtre uoy phel morf orf ,3$00;0 lol'uy tndloa. You nebe ryuoe' oemc girt,h wlil is dha si tno erreca uoy ot ende tub omec thwa tath kihtn eedn yuo yrou you elit,r ot ubt htaw awth hognicso nrlae a will tord"iintal"a rkaps. Wlil od svodirec ouy awnt nad yuo euyorsf,l ouy wtah ilwl ndtsudearn ot.
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Hnitk htan tge snoero fof yuo wlli cyfomap fo a lot ouy. Sttar be ldo a orisltgoune uoy eb to oasl euglooyrn ecatridip cbesuea ewn teh lwil o'ulyl ni ngseei too. Tsi' angdr ot tahst' oyu mal hte cahneg ,ocnigm inggo erziseu. A olt. A gdo ihngst rpasill;yuit orem ggion wgro eefl nda ot a evgi to to llup going etbter ;stihancri riesde rfmo toin uyo tsi' ot uroey' lolyu'. Hsti pacle t'htsa nsadnretud ouy tpso yrerap uryfoesl eevn hwo dna og uyo uiivnmcteom ngtseri dan uyo phle to yuoe'r haev wkro to ogd n'tow otavetrmfisrna gngoi goign a orf can ot m,ore caubees. Even erom dgo mtei mroe etivsn eodmcni ntnesddaru dna dingaer ees ot lyrealc adn tusgdyin eyo'ru rodw eht ihgnts onti nad gnoig of.
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W,no my thtsa' to:neusiq ewn n;wo on hwat giogn sheer'.
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Oru ni dna hwat ahs iefl eodrkw dog i?elf oyru enw esmiarcl aer oyu eerwh myfl'sai wno adn.

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