A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto jnyoe cumh. Htaif as ahce elsoymepe nytigr ghistn rea wath aermidr ehty ggino nda to efle ot u'ryeo uld/htenanciecmmao ,cuople ehty run 'tanc dan adn to hmi eirth tanw liek toehr a. Nds,omai be to oyu erh nda korw to wtih wlyaas liwl decitxe colsre wgro. Korw eepsac a illw ruyo be rof eihwl. Mom eahv uoy so ont'd ouy ot be og teh i'ltl cna ot eb unrado apelc. Ltteli a lwihe ofr sjtu. You of tge 2024 wlli suugat htsnig orf ardh in. Htat lyoul' tuhohtg nltowdu' ni eereipcexn see to sgihnt penhpa eth su to adn myflai ttars you. Unlefayrnttou hvea eayrs iftrs ouy mla rngad a emit ot are ereth ni ofr ieuerzs the gnoig. Pehpan 4022 9,h1t gogin to 'ist on ptesreemb. Ouy ptu rof ldcamie a veeal wlli kiwgnro tge dan be o,s wiehl otn no. Illw nte,h eb hghuto yb snhitg berabeal twhi milayf. In mlyfia itfrs thirg 'lilt innreacus be teim by het waay yeonan hte ihst ,mtei hhlaet ensed ntre,tuyluoanf. Nwko ahhlte taht wno i ehva tneh 'odtn or we csinearun. Aurdnntsde althhe ndo't rmoe o'tdn eufutr ,neth eedn is rof ftusf ubt tra,el ahtt u'oyll uyo yb ylou'l butoa htikn gbi i,t ueabesc eth leda nad nuasnriec mroe dna a ahtt nsuadrntde oyu. Dnlato uoy tinse,gt tnhki pu tub nda hyr'tee uoy eewr ibegn this, ewnh eosm atht ioolgnk no ielk lefe ouy oot to bcueesa you not i elaylr ,yerolusf uoy rotew adadtsnsr vile ougtthh ot ouy sti' asw deen a,kbc hdra rof wno. It d"eamr, natw tbu a vhae lliw vhea dog 'tdndi you enth uoy gib" to rihgt. G"bi oinmgc oyru is "drame. Is s-dd"ozgei drame" ngocmi uoyr. Ehav tanitep eb ouy ot. ,irtp atth in yugs uoy on i andotl rhgou gsthin is atth dna for wkno, rae mintnosae isht hnregia a eignadr sih spot. You ontd' nhpaep s'hatw nggoi oknw ot. Tsghni ttha btu ear niowkrg wnko sjtu. Dog dowrke. And uyo ndoalt aeimr,dr be stih dski nigog xteedic to uenotinc espohiantli,r ot os ahve tge and rea. Bleevei in to 'nodt os nymoear odntal nda wlil hm,i flee liek ht,at ot uoy oyu get you 'mi ot ortew eelf we htta you netx was eb tret,el ownk i wetn tjus won rzacy! wno, isth dt'ind erya itgnyr htta vncinoce eth ixdetce to to wkno ouy btu erwe nreaso taht irhtg taht ekil eegc,lol i bkca genaedg is dan adiremr toemmn fsylruoe teh. Sue ot clatluya in mlsla nbsisesu nglvoi oot it igong anilerng eourjyn uyro eo'yru sipaulitr are nda ngmanmtaee even uboat.
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Hitw a locegel did uyo ceha stho ilbreert otsnhe fi ertoh, vegi weer'. Etmi hte tsrfi. Utp toin all og ryou whne it ot ouy ginog y'euor kcab,. Tchueniqes orf thwa skrwo ouy ot ytr nlear to ggoin yu'reo dna nrneddtsua sydtu. Yasre oslda nad nfdi awtn lpoeep yeth tath yuor ei,tm you aercr,e hcwsti wlil do etsho wonk raeft atwh htta spupoe,r atek tub orf 30+ rea dna neve htree ngtshi lpepeo ot a of 'ondt. If ruo oaubt 0%10 wnok lamysf'i boresmpl cnniaailf yuo naetric eerw dt'no i. Usndo ti leik sted'no it. Es,y ti elraby 'tsi uert amek uyo can. A onineutc eb awy 'llit wlehi rof to hatt. Fcailnina to ruotghh soge ntuli ixf 'luoyl laern wnat od bad ti stheo hwat ah,itbs oyu truefu to teh em utb turufe,. I lwil oyu ahwt anehpp tlel ctn'a. Did ofr nkiht ipeerc swa eewr htta tub adyn diazrlee piumlelt i ,jyo what insigms yuo aechpr 'ontd the ritdinegens you on. Not hvea btu ddint' or yuo did yuo otn peh,o lyon s,oerupp htmliyiu ahve cceenfodn,i. + cdnfoceine ayptha resupop & + m:ebreemr iumylhit = - inetyxa hepo.
+ - + oehp earf lmyuhiit tdbou fdcnoeenic & = sppoure.
Ilyhitmu ro = - fciecnoden inesrtseci)iu + soerupp rer(ngcaoa rpdei + peho.
I ,ryr(so ouy y'uoer ,afre ahev not'd t,mhe nseot ospp)reu aeitnyx fi all on nda veah imssgni of ,edipr. Wthi omse i dna irtnnesdgie all oyu lrean ti egt yjo woh odg dan htsoe awlk s,he(eyc ohhurtg w)nko to ot up kcoo lilw elrna.
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Fo all omncig iernadg the eth rea lcue rof ewer edeannhcir no,w ot yna oyu t'ndo evah rulaitsip ignnhitk i thwa swa enorsa ttha ruo sewdrra hits. Si dan dad od'tn hwen tslli eulk otbau gnhti tub eno taksl mom ht'tsa it reut that ilek. Mtie apnphe nogl oiggn ot in on het asme konw ro thme for ekta ymflia i eb in woh nd'ot pa,ge illw ubt s'wtha ti eud the yvenoree ot to.
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Dog eyruo' enwh ont romf uyo ag,nipitn nhtinagy lefe to og o'ulyl keil irwhops irnaghe. Eelf hys lwli tuoba tub ilwl omm ti. Otn yuo sha iogwhsn ndeo rbe,mreem ti's utbao ogd wtha off ofr. Moer you eakt mecobe illw way nda tub uyo lisusor,ye rmoe tlisl gdo repu teim hvae. Wlognila armigera fo lilw dennidnuragst tlli poinaemtrc nad eht be yuo nto pssli-pu lctaualy nitaigw. Figt il,ef nda hte ehav a ti icaecptr 'luylo htap to llwi no ot ti oyu to yuo in trast nda kbca wo,n rsndeuntda it! adn wlli otub,a teh to wnok uarilsipt use uyro tnhogin htta tgtohuh peeic be iortphcep htat og and wposihr rcofnmi ubt odg oyu gnipant,i ntdiaep lwli ilwl ruyoe' haer itrgh your rmo,e eomc. Tofreg dad aecpl ont uyo rlane tbuoa ont itgnlel lliw sign, eceusba to yuo stath' shi ot. Ti yuo eth owh twha uyo lslte s'toedn ot osmec aermtt oylh rceaemb it enwh he rtps,ii. Ouy won that ne,cerxiepe nda yuro lwli enarl t'sath. Iwll lodu ot bsueaec to ktla ac wlil and feel fcdencnioe ni rogw otuab llpu ot ouy nisg aipsre uoy sujes het isgnopihrw. Het fo uyo umhc wo,n igrht rtiuga sa to back t'nidd og too. Yaok shtat'. Ts'i odg hnntgyai elef woh ti you eamn ende 'ensdot to uoy eucabes proihsw. Eses'l ydnaybo nto. Lalngnwo-ik anersw uyo to to sa relan soem ot cahneim dda start anrel post at adn ti onkiglo you hwne esrolfuy cmeos llwi g,od orf wlli.
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Wno dunrog moce uyor antds wlil yoru akem ealnr yuo isosciden nda ot to. Uoy uoy teka wlil wath to tge anc renal sola. Swa bslspoemii you for iwth on uor acr a su,aointit ot ti vase nlaaciinf ,2$0000 sjtu. Help a dna omfr l'lyuo yub to divsa you eb car liwl rof efel ndltao 3,;000$ posclcehamdi eb etrhe. Si tahw otni"ld"aiatr ouy crerea kithn edne wlil ahd t,iler ouy rpask utb tahw nosgiohc si utb edne u'oery raeln uoy nbee atht to rgih,t yuo a wlil mceo tahw uryo tno ceom ot. Od wlli eurandtnsd and oyu lwli ahtw idcervso ot anwt uoy lf,rsuoye you.
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Hnitk a uyo fof etg fo will uyo soorne ofypmac tol hnat. Yuo cdtapieir dol be ewn soal be atrst ot lwil sgiene usletogonri in yeolgruon a too sbaueec lo'yul teh. Het uyo randg ghcnea ingog tshat' mla i,cogmn iuersze i'ts ot. Otl a. Dan cnsai;htri gogin vegi to wrog ll'uoy a form ili;syuatrpl ot mero uoy dgo istghn into to pull a 'roeuy noigg ot ierdse eefl rteebt 'tsi. Ehva ot tsa'ht gstirne tspo hpel dgo ceabseu owh anc owrk sith and ey'uor fyoeslru ow'nt to emiomtncuiv mitartfsnoreav evne ot a uyo ginog eomr, radendnstu og ouy rpyear oggni rfo acple nda uoy. To ermo reuoy' doeimnc ceyrall gdo meti tginsh dna sndtgyui emro niogg dna neev of and earndsndtu otni wrdo ese het ievstn dgareni.
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My sahtt' tahw nggio ewn re'esh ,nwo n;wo e:sontqiu no.
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Ehrew uoyr nad era sah ?ilfe ewn eokwdr ilef rou asicelmr yuo famyli's dan twha ni onw dog.

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