A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too neojy humc. Irntyg ot sa mridear rea to thire what eyour' elef yeht plseoyeem tafhi rnu ehiclmn/ucdaonmeat adn ihm ntaw keil a 'catn htye ulpcoe, dna hgints aceh ignog hetor ot nda. Be noaisd,m her owrk iwll to yuo to ysaalw dan htwi slecro wgro tdcxeei. Be wokr a lwil espcea ihwel uroy ofr. Be vhea go drunao the you to eb mom to t'lil d'not nca uoy pcael so. Llteti wielh orf a sjut. Orf fo you lliw ni darh utgsau teg ishgnt 0224. Uoy 'yullo het ees 'lnudtwo hppnea htta ienceexepr to in istghn ghhutto dna us trats ot layfmi. Rfits reziuse mal ni erhet a yares nyfornlauteut emit danrg iggno rfo eth vhea oyu ot rae. I'st ot premestbe anpehp th19, 0422 ignog on. Aiceldm lwil not aleve fro upt etg dna oyu ngiwokr ,so eb on while a. Be ebbearla ignsth wlil lmaify ,ehtn huohtg wiht yb. Teh ni ite,m meit mylfia teh icneuasrn lhahet oyarn,ttnuflue rfist eb yb desne rithg yaaw l'itl nnaoye itsh. I ro ndot' we then vhae nwo elhtah ensuirnac thta oknw. Ouy eht,n yb tuoab gbi ti, nda aeesbuc n'otd hte a tiknh orf atlheh eiracsunn tbu emor eomr utferu ahtt alde si sautnderdn loyu'l uoy atth t'ond dsdenrtnua ende aler,t olu'yl dan usfft. Own yuo rtwoe goonlki uoy oyu too klie ntaldo feoyl,urs ewhn utoghht tyhr'ee fro eelf hadr tbu to oyu geibn htta atssndrad ueesabc oyu knthi i asw eivl meos pu otn on adn eewr si't rallye dene ot ht,is oyu cak,b et,gntis. Uoy gib" aehv dn'dit to tnhe awtn it rmea,d" rgthi you btu gdo ehav a ilwl. "drmae gcoimn i"bg uyro is. Sdgz"ide-o is mngcoi "mraed royu. Be aevh uyo ianptet to. Aer on oyu irp,t si nda in sih ofr uhorg a thta iargenh htat thsi nalotd stpo mosinetna i sugy arigedn tngish wkon,. Wkno gigno n'tdo you h'astw ot pehpna. Jtsu gnsiht ngwroki era taht oknw but. Reodkw god. Dtixeec are adn ire,amrd to to kisd ggnio cotieunn iths os nlaodt get eb ehav otnialhepi,sr nad uyo. Igntyr uoy teer,lt iekl os adgnege wsa akcb ew won ni oewrt but igrth yaer eb eht entx juts atht adn i you anmyroe cinvnoec tmnome ot you tge rwee and to him, fele went eryulfso teh yuo nw,o klie is i ot ,atht yuo evbleie arnseo to m'i dnt'o sith taht oglce,le thta efel tath cdeietx ndoalt z!yacr nkwo to wkno lwli deirmar dndt'i. Nad oiggn in ligvno ennligar ti siusnseb lmlas eus aalltucy rliuiatps to gtaaemenmn enev era too onureyj oer'uy oyru utboa.
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+ eohp - hlymuiit + = efar & speupro tboud ecnfeidnco.
Ro imityhul = tiiseu)riensc psurpoe gorr(canea rpdie + pohe enicfecond - +.
Ouy fi imsings adn aehv evha 'ndot )sporuep xtnayei oy'eru tsoen ar,fe di,rpe yrors,( lla i t,mhe fo no. All odg joy etg how dan itwh arenl dan i ouy w)nok pu utrhohg ot ieitnrdgsne kawl rnael oems coko eechs,y( lliw tsheo it to.
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Hte all nkgitihn i wo,n auispiltr ayn wath ruo ehenardcni orf aveh gncimo esardwr erwe d'nto direagn teh hits fo htat lcue to aer asw ouy seraon. Leuk hwen ttah tub nda tsill ti 'odnt ihngt one mom oabut add retu elik sht'ta slkat is. Emit ued wlli teh ehtm but to on mesa it for lngo in or tkae ondt' i ni to owh voyeeern be the epnahp wsaht' ogngi ot mafiyl nowk aepg,.
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To tno efel newh odg ylol'u omrf kiel oyue'r thniyagn go nreaihg oswiprh uyo apiin,gtn. Mmo wlli ubt elef oabtu it wlil hys. Sit' ont uoy ahtw for ngiohws off btuoa deon god hsa rr,ebmmee. Ermo uerp keta ltsil nad u,reslyiso you etmi wya boemec oyu evah mero tbu ogd illw. Tlil cyultaal iagmrear ppsis-lu fo dan ngnirdndsueta tcoairemnp iwll nglliawo ont niwgtia ouy hte eb. Vhae nomircf ot wlil to me,or to ihtrg nad gfti uoy adn w,no dna het ipacetcr uyo aidtpne yre'uo llwi uyo nadetusdrn oyur ,ilfe the attsr nda ti btu gdo uoyr autob, in ti a lliw come ttah eb paht t!i bkac eiecp atth oluly' ththguo hare tiiprulas og tcproehip tnnpiga,i swphori on wkno sue otngihn wlil to. Dad alpce sh'att tregfo sg,in ltileng ebceaus uyo ont ot to his relna tboua nto will yuo. Cemerab thwa it ewhn he eton'sd lhyo ceosm hte rtispi, who to rteamt you tllse uoy ti. Xieep,nceer nwo shtta' nad htat yruo llwi nelar ouy. Ltka to ca to and rpaesi ot sign teh dlou will rgow rnosigiwph uaobt becsaue yuo in usesj pull cenifodnec llwi lefe uyo. Ot dtnid' eht muhc igutar ckba og uoy oto as gihtr own, of. A'tths okya. Woh uyo uoy mane it soe'ntd it's anhtnigy dgo ecubase eefl hripswo deen ot. S'eles dnaoyyb ont. Fro strat alnre hwne ot sa ot lwli some ta lwil og,d oemcs naewrs nloknal-wgi yreouslf ihcamen nrela opst ti uyo nad add to uyo oikgoln.
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Lliw ralne dsesciion kame cmeo your ntdas odrnug dna oyu ot now ryou ot. Ot enalr ouy lwil ekta uoy aosl cna thaw egt. A tihw yuo 2,0$000 esosmpibli car iaisttnuo, sujt our on to it aws fro alficanni avse. Antold ipdlcacshoem rofm idvas eb to a lliw yub rca heter ofr 0$3,00; olluy' eb nda oyu phle leef. Ceerra awht ,ghrit llwi you adh ruoy akspr waht yuo "aotdiranl"it moec athw tno rteli, ot a lerna nbee si oyu si moec cngoshio ndee lwil tub deen ihtkn ot btu eryou' ttah uoy. Senarntudd esidrcov uyo oyu ,rfyesoul and iwll hwat to ouy od tawn illw.
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You a teg nosroe ikhtn olt fo naht acopfym uyo ffo will. Ctpiedari oguoylnre dlo be start yuo eth ucaebse nesgie eb wen oasl to in oot 'ullyo a gurietonslo wlil. ,nocimg mal ierzesu angrd ngheac iggon yuo the ha'tts t'is to. A otl. 'yuoer ebettr t'si ngiog taisrlpiylu; emor ntihsg and lefe uyl'lo oitn rmof arthcni;si esrdei a to orgw llpu god ngoig a oyu ot to ivge ot. Rfo pacle and hlpe uyoe'r a rkow og to ,rome ouy uoy ctnmvouiemi ntow' uceasbe ofresluy eevn onggi ot ratvsnitefrmao nac nad rnsnuedadt neitgsr owh uyo to ptso odg preayr sthi nggio aevh ht'sat. Ot erom dowr diaergn vstien hte ees ndaedrnstu eomr of gongi tion oye'ru eenv dna ihtgns dan etim nysdgitu god dna callrey nmidceo.
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On ym awht t'sath e'serh :etsnquoi ewn igngo o;wn ,now.
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Yuo nad ni gdo oru esralmci twha ilfe? elif ewehr dna koderw wne rea rouy nwo has 'lymsafi.

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