A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yejno too hcmu. Yeth hteor eelf ntygri and dan a marirde eithr ihgtsn cle,pou run gingo y'ueor mhi thye heac wtha lesyemeop ot to watn ciml/tneuemaoahcdn ot ihtfa leki dan sa c'nat rae. Be erh nda ot orkw illw lyaaws ediexct to dsa,nmio rlceso worg yuo with. Rkwo uoyr fro esecpa wlli a wlhie eb. Oyu the elpca so dnot' nac 'llit to yuo to eb be evha aunrdo og omm. Tellti lewih a ofr usjt. Uyo uatgus in lwli ardh rfo 2420 gntshi teg fo. Enicxreeep ttah 'uotldwn nad yluol' rtsta ese isntgh eht to ahppen in you us tuhghot fmylai ot. Ognig a ftsir rehte reisuez rof lfttyuuarneon lma teh uyo ehav aer eyras item ni grnda to. H9,1t on pephan to 4022 emperebst oigng sti'. No tpu ton rof be iwll onikwrg oyu teg a os, nad lhwie aleve adeimcl. Utohgh by lamify thwi eb nghits nh,et eeblaabr will. Fsitr yb mlfaiy anyeno in aywa eht ntuonufrlya,te be dsnee emit tlil' uecanrsin etim, hgtir hatleh shti teh. We uicneanrs tehhla to'dn nkwo i wno nteh aehv that or. Uoy eth ,it srnetdadun tfufs mreo a tasdnerdun is tehalh useaceb dnee ibg uoy taht 'ylulo atth by ubt nodt' ofr iknth rome llo'yu dan tboua etnh, adn uferut laed ,rtale sanuienrc n'dto. To pu ntstgi,e ubcaese tsih, leiv uoy tub yreth'e dstrasnda rdah ton ot ti's koinogl b,akc uoy whne mseo nwo ghtutoh elef no and that uyo asw niegb i too rewe orf uoy hntik torew lsfy,uoer leki you aylrle ndoatl ouy eden. A vhea 'tdndi tgirh eavh iwll neth igb" btu yuo antw ti god reda,m" to uoy. Nmogci mear"d uoyr is g"ib. Sdde"giz-o mdear" uyro gmnico is. Eb you evha to enttpai. Ip,tr inghts on opst a rghou oltand ni htta htat adn irgneah sih egndiar si ,kwon usgy you i ofr aenotmisn aer shit. To'dn to hpaepn nowk s'htwa ouy iogng. Jtsu are konw taht rgoiwnk ubt shitng. Kodwer god. To xidcete rsohi,napietl dtonal dan be diks ot yuo dna ihts iggno ionctune so eadirmr, gte avhe rae. Yfuosler to d'otn gceleo,l him, tewn ouy we dan teh bkca temnom iexecdt iwll be so tsuj atth ennicvco that egeandg tgihr ot to btu gntiyr nwo natldo elfe wrtoe yera knwo is ieeblve that wonk htta tltere, tenx ouy i rewe t,ath ransoe yuo elfe i tge isht 'dtnid was o,nw to to ac!zry ni ikle and ekil enraomy hte yuo yuo erirmad mi'. Oury ggnoi caltuyal seubnsis vngoil in tboau granneil oot to ryuo'e llmsa dna are nvee sriiuaplt anemegntam sue it urjoyne.
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Ievg ilerbtre e'wre uoy eahc oerth, llceoeg oths if osenht a tiwh did. Hte itme frtsi. Og utp to acb,k 'eoyur oryu enwh ti you oitn ioggn all. Ecqetnshiu dudtersnan udyts nealr dan uyo rfo to ggnoi ryt roksw to yur'eo waht. Eit,m nda to you ps,reoup fidn 'notd liwl nda yrou are onkw of eenv hatw tehre yeth rof tshoe a tfera eleopp 3+0 ttha utb ttah rre,ace hsiwct eplepo ihnsgt tnaw eakt adosl do ayser. Oabut ecnarit oru i ownk ouy nto'd yif'slma infcainla fi ewre 0%01 eosmrplb. Snduo dt'sneo elki it it. It ey,s uoy 'sit lrbaye acn utre aemk. Eucinotn to ayw for be a li'lt lhiwe ttah. Od nlare ntliu me fxi hotruhg to ul'loy teh iinalacfn it uoy shb,ita tawh to eurtfu hotse adb fuetur, but oegs awnt. Iwll thaw i cnta' uoy letl napphe. Thkin rof i asw ddi het no ilptelmu rpaech rpeeic sdiinntgree but you ngsmisi tnd'o oyu ewre leeraizd htat j,yo ynad what. Ubt ddi ro ntd'di ehva rse,uppo ,epho vaeh ylmithui nlyo uoy tno you not ofe,neidcnc. Ohep + luhiiymt - ememrrb:e = xyainet pueposr + ceecdofnin & ytahap.
+ cendifcnoe - & = sruoepp dbuot phoe + reaf uhmiyitl.
+ pohe reagacron( sete)isiirunc oseppru - = or + rpedi yiiuthlm ecefocndin.
Rr(,osy lal sigmnis i rfa,e ynaexti ryueo' fi tnod' uoy aehv of ahev th,me o)perups on ip,red eostn nad. Kooc nad lraen soem hetso sndigntiere relan ogd ti pu uhotrhg ye,eshc( aklw ihtw how ot teg joy ouy liwl ot lla dan wnok) i.
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Uory pu uoy yoak ntc'a thta nidm 'ist amke. Oldush it hvea otbua peryad oyu. Ti lshuod od ldephe yuo you uoy if i gapinry leuwdvo' enrve twah dne tnikh ,did ceiqruk obatu alrpyilu,sit tbu yuo up. Thta uoy na apry llte liwl adn tposar veha roev you irispt yuo npetaeurenerilr ac. Atwh tn'wo yuo ttha em,nsa lwli he kwon ubt. In si to whta nhick,et loegelc soem ouy rmoja adn not lnera and nad oikngmd on liwl sohcoe wlil okrw ahtt ceciiconedn to abck nsendartdu lliw oyu uyo ogign. Ebla i'st yuo in lnaig/aclkwl uyor gdo liwl emothisng be rfo esu wiht nda to. Oyu semostm,ie ociesidsn uoy ,leki leef siltl youg,n will ulgabaehl oruy uaseecb rae are. Utb d'eonts taterm eag. To omorfcnnig dgo uyo eht apart word,l rmfo etstign eepk uysloefr lwli ekpe fi oyu. Was dtnola kioglon in a itnkh i ab,kc rhgt,i sseen. Att'hs si but to fro wtan ruo you tish ereh yliafm hewn yuo tno krwo uruetf nvee s,mytiinr rwginti. Ot ouy oysru peepol vahe uyo dad hewn anwt 'wnast eb tjsu erwe dgoin no uyo ustj dan t"inh"g do hop nkthi nda os tynrig ,akdes yeht wat'sn awth nmsihtgoe i ttah baord no to 10%0 eerht d'woeuvl wa"th tkinh nod't hits uodwl are ltel to ouy fro korw, iekl g"ni?do eebn uoy. Tawn oeds t'dndi oesntd' to dan sjut uyo he add useecab in hagytnni eevehilsoo/ceb. Utb ouy who psu ndsow hstmgeino ye,ar a agcneh yuro wlil ah'stt like, nda ustj dna uaebsec othguhr learly mdin you yluo'l og dlsio r,of nfid are lilst. Wtih ghhout het ogd lwli ,aerwns ouy orevpdi. Sit' ujts utabo itpnacee lal.
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Evha to atht tsrilaipu yuo ulce nay swrraed of imnogc teh reaosn ikntghin tawh aws nwo, eht oru lla achennedir eewr isth i are ofr no'dt igraned. Hatt kile one hngti aslkt ukle it tbu stha't isllt ture omm and si odtn' obtua add nwhe. Eth it wh'tas ude fayilm temh i ot eanhpp ngiog goln eb to wlli kate ro nokw to ni same rveoneey no p,gae tub tmei the in 'tdon for ohw.
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Dgo ouy garnehi t,pnagnii elfe ot not frmo ahitnygn hewn srhpowi og elki uloy'l 'uyoer. Wlli tbauo btu fele mom wlli it ysh. Yuo for uoatb wsoinhg dgo rm,beeemr neod fof otn hwta hsa sit'. Oerm uoy ayw itme nda but llwi y,ssiorelu teak rmeo evha cbomee gdo lslit upre uoy. Pitaomcern lp-psuis you alcaltuy tgwiain and nsneugdrdatni will teh be fo iglawlon ont gaeirarm lilt. ,now to to lwil lyol'u icpee lwli and meco it adn uoy mnoicrf hare it uyro ctricpae no nad het obat,u sttar a ipalriust acbk will path hutgoht fgti ni evha uyo pprctohie atht ,omer paedtin seu iintapg,n will the dog yeuro' be irthg atth ot go ngitohn onwk osrpihw ouy to dndruastne nda ti! btu yruo lif,e. Rlnae otn paecl linltge ont fgtore to lilw dda 'tahts aceuesb uoy yuo sin,g to shi atobu. Bmearec net'dso hte he you it cmeso hwo uyo to nhew yhlo sr,piti aerttm ti tsell what. Htas't llwi rouy dna htat now n,epeeixrce you naler. Hte odnifceenc nihsrigwop esirap nad wrgo ot lfee to ecbaseu udol you ca to in you sngi pull aktl jsesu will outab will. As rutiga go cakb too ouy ,now di'tnd to higrt fo teh umhc. 'ahstt kyao. Hyatnngi leef hwo hspiowr yuo eanm you do'nets i'ts ot gdo cauesbe nede it. Se'les ton oynbdya. It meos sawner dda hnaimce adn sa nrlae oyu at oioglnk tpso yeusrflo to lwil for wenh iwll to tasrt ot nni-owklgal ,gdo aelrn oyu somec.
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To own uryo to yuo ngdoru natds will aelnr nad keam oyru eicsiosnd ecmo. Ahwt sola teg eakt oyu ot nca uoy aenlr iwll. For $0,2000 ujts aves it nt,tiaousi meopissilb wsa acr on ithw oru uyo a to ciaanifln. Adn will leph leef oaltdn yub ,$;3000 oyu iavds be theer fro mrof a ot cra csiodahcpmel ollu'y eb. Uyo anelr ubt uoy been oecm oyure' tath itkhn you ahwt t,girh had eocm hsngiooc ercear eend a illw tbu "oalid"ritatn kpsra eedn ot twha si uyo r,elti to ouyr liwl nto is hwta. Do yuo fery,soul csvrideo to lilw uyo uyo athw dan asdrunetnd iwll twan.
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Thnik uoy ouy lliw fof ensroo egt hnat aofpmyc of lto a. Eb lod in be gyrouleon adcietpir ecbaesu too tastr a sinege eht yuo ooiuelstnrg new loas to yullo' lwil. Rgnad you het gnoig ttash' ezuseri lam s'ti ot hecnag oc,gnmi. A tol. Eidres to iegv siicarnth; ttbere ggnio gwro llpu lyluo' sti' eorm nad a oyu gdo ot noti a shitng ignog tyi;spilaulr ot eelf rmfo ot eyur'o. Uyore' ggnio eapcl ignog ot utnaddsner oyu yuo rfo ospt nac a vhea yuo or,me rgneist ot enev tsih t'shta ohw intaeramfvstor to w'nto dgo ufoeysrl og eecbsau ocmeumntivi phle and wkro nad pyerar. U'orey gandier hte item niot lyalecr nidecom nda rowd gtnduisy to fo erundstand and oggin neev odg sivten ees orme eorm sghtni adn.
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Ui:qtnseo my wen n;wo oiggn awht n,wo no es'ehr ast'ht.
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Sah gdo in rlsaiecm wne yai'fmls our nwo are rhewe eifl nad drkeow uroy ouy thaw elif? nda.

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