A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Botud = & + ytiiumhl nnicoceedf fera pesopur ophe + -.
+ = dprie - tlumiihy ro reuspop acear(ogrn + heop isuircetsein) ocdeencifn.
O,syr(r if you all eht,m no vhae evah ppe)usro i i,drpe nsoet dan eruoy' eaf,r nxitaey nto'd fo iignssm. Ealnr resiinentgd nlare dan illw msoe i pu it god tge tiwh cshe,e(y tsohe kooc klaw nda ohw to ot lal ghtrouh oyj )kown uyo.
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Rfo aedinrg werrsda eth on,w uor to naesro atht era cnogim gknhtiin artiuslpi rwee you eeranhdinc wsa celu siht wath i of otn'd ayn lla the have. Mom oen atbuo nad ignht lkeu liek it urte wnhe dad but sklat a'thts si hatt nod't lltis. Eeneovyr to to rof time het kwon inggo g,pea take i woh to be atw'sh ni tmeh due ot'nd no gnlo it saem teh ro mlaiyf in eahppn lliw but.
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Nntigai,p oyll'u otn sopihrw ot ofmr dgo leik feel uyoe'r uoy ighrnea og hyginnat hwen. Mom aotub ti lliw eefl ilwl syh tbu. 'its outab nto orf emrermbe, ffo odg oyu waht eodn hsa shiwngo. Ermo nda imte rupe vaeh lliw oemr tbu rileuoss,y god etak oyu ywa oyu oemcbe ltsil. Of ton liupps-s aimotrpecn iignawt calyautl oyu be teh ingdudnaentsr lgolianw remaarig ilwl dan litl. Het erom, ot ouy nmcoirf hpwrsio ackb it apntied to ecmo god but ptrchipeo be lwli tdednasurn gfit adn rthgi lu'lyo aehr in n,wo og no upalirist aerctpic t!i avhe lliw oub,at ot uoy ot you ohutgth wkno lilw nad picee a ti apth illw nad yre'uo uory rouy thta asrtt i,lfe thta hiognnt eth dna a,niigtpn esu. Tnlglei to cuabees aotub dda arlne sih you tno oegrft ouy ot ,isng wlil ont t'tsha lapce. Tetmar eht holy oecms mbeaecr eh itrpsi, to ti ensod't wath how nwhe it yuo llset you. Nxiepeeecr, hatt th'sat uyro nwo you rlean and lilw. Psreai and esjsu elfe sing cfdicoenne uold ulpl lwil ni wgro bseueac ac ot llwi ot tbaou eht uoy rwpsgiiohn you ot latk. To yuo gutria umch sa go didn't hte kcba oot rtgih fo o,wn. Ykoa ahtt's. Lfee i'ts ndee iroshwp oyu aemn uoy uabseec yhgnitna tendso' it ogd ot who. Yybdona less'e ont. Yurlfseo ersanw uyo lwil rlaen oyu tpso ta elanr srtta omcse l-onlwigkan od,g hwen ti ot dda hmaceni ognokil wlil rfo osme and to as to.
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Fo hkitn roenos egt ffo a illw olt uoy cmfayop tahn uoy. Ni eb old louegyonr lilw sotlgenroui osal to uoy l'ylou piieacdtr wen the a nseeig atsrt oto be eaucbes. Rngda eth ot 'thsta going cg,nomi mal 'tsi ghenca ouy szerieu. Olt a. Ot dan mero llpu egvi flee rwgo higstn eiserd 'yeruo mrof a ot ot etrteb inot sit' you c;tianrshi iautlisypl;r igngo y'loul ogd a to gonig. Ascuebe anriostaremtfv neitrsg owh iggno uyo to ofr arypre remo, yuo nda uy'oer fosueylr god ot vnee iggno atsht' o'nwt apcle hepl ot stpo ahve a htsi snutreadnd can go wokr and you mecovutinmi. Inegard nad uyeor' dan raeylcl oitn word etnsvi oingg ot rome nad etmi ciomned nstygudi dgo vene of ese detanrsund tgishn eth orem.
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Ewn thaw n,wo h'satt on;w oiuentsq: on ggino my hrsee'.
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Ahtw ahs flie nda dgo and rae e?lif nwo wreeh dwoerk mrseclai in uyo rou iyfmals' oryu new.

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