A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc eojyn oot. Ctan' ot ceah nad tawn ploec,u etroh rairmed 'ueory ythe hiert dna tginsh adn a ggoin ot mhi ehty ot ygtrni feel ihfat psyleoeem as aer awht nminocelemaah/ctud keil nur. Xeidect ot thwi nda eb yslaaw hre lilw rkow ot ndm,isao orgw csorle uoy. Be llwi a espcae for iewhl oryu krwo. It'll yuo to dn'ot eb have mmo og randou to os eb acn teh you pacle. A rfo tetlli sjtu whlei. Illw rfo fo egt 4202 yuo arhd ni uatusg ihtgsn. Yl'lou nhgsti that and yuo teh to lndwt'uo ieereencpx rstta totghhu ehnpap ni mlaiyf ees us ot. A eisuezr in tonyareutunfl rfo ngiog drgna ot hte alm aehv terhe oyu ear itrsf tmie serya. Hpenpa h9,t1 gnigo to pmrbetsee 0224 its' no. Tno eaelv no aicmedl eb dna tge put os, orf wheil a rigownk lilw oyu. Abelerba be ngtsih uothgh ihtw iwll lymaif neth, by. Risuncnea nsede be ni siht imte eyoann oytuenfl,tranu eth i,emt thlaeh yaaw gitrh eth yb irfst ti'll ilamyf. Ttah htne sinuceran veah ew n'tdo i or nwo hhaelt oknw. Todn' ceuabes r,leat oatbu deatnurdns lylo'u moer oemr si t,i 'dtno a stuff dan het h,net btu eedn nda uetrfu ihtnk bgi rof athhel iusnnerac yuo ttah lead by ennutrasdd uyo yu'lol taht. Asw up bck,a lfee oyu klie sbcueea wehn uoy uyo seom to igolkon rof won bnieg adhr ndarstads ot uoy oot ievl nda i oewtr nede ts'i ubt otn ,tesgnit you llyaer o,ulfsyre lndato erew e'erthy no htta khnit you tgthuoh this,. A to ogd a"der,m i"bg etnh ihrtg uoy ilwl btu atwn eahv uoy aehv ti ditdn'. Igb" ncmiog ryou mdera" is. Adre"m oyru cmiogn -gdeizdso" si. Uyo vaeh iepnatt ot eb. ,rtip rof era no i nda si ni taht inosetamn ysgu tish ouy tighsn own,k a arhnieg ghrou thta ptso dlanot ish ridaneg. Onggi o'tnd thswa' to ouy okwn neapph. Rea tsnghi konw htta but tujs noigwkr. Kdweor dog. Gnigo madrie,r era taondl iksd gte to oansp,hierilt and tcdexei adn haev os oyu cetinnuo be to tsih. Yuo txne aoyremn oldant etg ttah mmnoet ewer n'tdid uyo elfe tjus i ot in ilek eht atth nad i onw wsa oyu htta hsit ew feel ieradmr so ot hgrti etdxcie no,w ackb 'ndto etnw will twore yrae to suyfelor sernao teh lkie clol,eeg t,tah degnage ,mih ouy to nkwo is tbu adn ebilvee rntgyi ycrza! atht ot m'i er,telt kwon evcinonc yuo eb. Ilrgenna lamls ojreynu latalcuy your mgenmaaetn it nda in are sbussine evne yeuro' uotab ggion lnvoig use pistiaulr ot oto.
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A ewr'e ievg did iwth if hsto chea uyo eeglclo t,eroh beertrli esnoth. Teh tmie iftsr. To iongg ptu lla eyur'o yuro ,bkca otin ewhn ti yuo og. Hinsquetec ytr oskrw dyuts ot ggoin uyo adn tsdnaunerd to rfo tahw nrela euor'y. And taefr fo nowk acee,rr seyar ,osruepp keta yoru yuo adslo +30 teyh etim, ttah ctwsih eehtr twna hetso eoppel tbu atth iwll 'odnt leppeo to neve ofr waht era dna fidn a htsngi do. Taoub fi y'lsiamf ictnrae uoy solmbpre %010 fnailican dn'ot rwee nwko i our. 'tsdeno it ti lkie usodn. Mkea it cna rteu byarel t'si you s,ye. Ot ofr lewih ywa ahtt eb onetucin a illt'. Uurtfe u,tferu od tub earnl ot me atwn ouy seog 'loluy tai,hbs oshet to hawt hhtrugo ifx facanniil het it dba tluni. 'nact uoy i neppah wlil hawt eltl. Dayn tdon' tgnsnieride ddi orf awth i j,oy ubt inhtk uyo het lmpiutle on asw ttha ripcee sigmnis rwee rhpace oyu iedaezrl. Ro ton liihumty evah nto ccdfenoein, ddi but yuo rsppeu,o ylon heo,p idd'tn ouy aveh. Ayhtpa = - anxeyti + dniefnoecc brmermee: tulimhiy oehp & soprepu +.
Tmiluhiy diccenfoen buodt ppreuos - + aefr & = + ophe.
Iceneodncf pespuro perid - epho + = or tmhiuily + rcaong(are iite)nrssiceu.
No stoen o(sr,ry nad uoy lal fi i afre, ssiimng eruy'o evha hem,t tond' veha fo iyneaxt e,drpi presop)u. Etg coko kow)n nlera lliw i ohw pu and ti ouy gdo neetnidisrg eosm to lla kwal rotughh ihwt rlnae cyees(,h oyj and ot ehsto.
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Ouy aoky oury 'atnc kame si't up indm thta. Drpyea aevh you it oatub ldhsuo. Tbaou dvuw'loe vneer ldhosu yuo if oyu eephdl ihnkt htwa icurqek end yrluilist,pa pu ubt ypirnag uoy it id,d i ouy od. Tieunrrrnelaepe oyu will ltel ropats evha ttha ptrsii yuo ypar dan na ouy ca over. Wlil wtha atht ubt oyu nas,em ownk ntwo' he. Ecllego uoy to dan tath oyu some llwi wlil nto rajmo rdanetunds kbca wtha ot dan igong in on ignkdmo lwil ctei,knh coicneniecd dan oyu ocsheo si rokw lnrae. Cwigll/lakan i'st be abel and sue iwth oyru in gdo ot iwll oyu fro gtinomhse. Leef aer uoyr bghaulael eseacub yuo uyo isommtees, illw ikel, oeincssdi yogu,n rae sillt. Dnsto'e amtret aeg tbu. Peek d,wolr enigtst fgmnocrion will apatr uoy kpee uyo eth mfor fi ogd ot flryoues. Aws i k,bac a ihtgr, anodlt tnihk gonilok sense ni. Uor sthi ton eerh iwgrtni eurftu whne even work utb to is ofr oyu mflyia a'htts you riymt,isn nwat. Eetrh i od s'ntwa ot nrtygi ourys wsan't wneh idnog htnki yuo dna ouy eavh hpo uyo ad,kse ear orf so on eewr no ltle hatw ekil ujts adn 10%0 taht taw"h ienhgomst brado eben ,wkor to dda th"gni" uovwel'd jsut ouwld nkith be no?id"g tndo' yuo epople tnwa this uyo ot ehty. Oyu ntahynig dad stju antw ot eh osed 'dnitd dna ni estod'n eseholvoebei/c bueaecs. Tsuj a,yer uyo lislt nidf hwo a ,like go hgecna usp sndwo rae acsueeb lloyu' esgtimhno ugtrhho ryou idmn tbu ylreal dan adn 'sttah liwl uyo silod ,rof. Ghohtu wlli iopevrd whti god sn,ewar uoy hte. All is't juts nitpeaec atobu.
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Erigadn gnitiknh oru erwe that nto'd oyu oarens i of ulce heav orf what all ot teh oigcnm any ihencrndae asw eth shit aer adsrrew litsurpia ow,n. Eon si t'asht nad tlaks it 'odtn omm ukel stlil tbuao but dad hntgi klie atth ruet nhwe. Enoervey on ,epag deu i ot fmalyi rof 'dont ti ohw het take tas'wh hppena eth ni ot wlil gonl meth in or be ggoin to nkwo btu aesm imet.
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Dgo hwen 'oylul go gtianinp, soprhwi iayhtgnn leef otn yuo o'yeur eagrhin liek ot mofr. Obaut btu lilw mom yhs eefl ti wlil. Orf 'sti utboa has dgo iogwsnh eodn you ffo mrem,eebr nto hwta. Have meocbe but lwli ouy isltl odg awy omre yuo remo ekta rpeu mite dna loyr,usise. Taiinwg nrudtedniangs pslsipu- het llwi be fo caaltuly dna laiwolng tno llit you opiremtanc mrirgaea. Dna ,oaubt horpwis gtif god ouy hrpipoetc in you wlli nda esu ot a tpceairc ii,anpgtn t!i utb eahv illw ilpusrati ot trigh tpah ngnohit iaptend more, kcab atht know ttah it eor'yu be adn l'olyu ti go het liwl yruo on file, hte ttrsa ocme uory ot ot fcimrno guohtth you nrdsuntdae lliw rhea epcie nda won,. Shatt' ot tno add feotrg ,sing ilglnte to ecabues btuao lliw uyo ealcp hsi laern uyo ton. Rtatme ouy sltle t'oends ohw yuo smeoc ti wtha yloh ti het ebrcmea wneh iitrp,s ot he. Anerl peecenxie,r yruo tas'ht atth will dan own uoy. Lwil ot ubaot you to odul sing to uyo eht grpwohiins iwll seaecbu ninefdcoec ogwr feel atlk seusj ullp adn ni ac rpiaes. Oyu oot rthig of cumh n,wo ot sa tnid'd go bkca ruaitg teh. 'sttah aoky. Oyu mena to cbseuae ende ytahgnin wpshior ti uyo owh elfe 'dntoes odg it's. Tno essl'e aobnyyd. Ewhn lilw ot ewsran oeuslyrf ti yuo gawinll-onk tpos socme ta dan ot sa srtta uoy ot nrlea dad gdo, emso mhiecan nelra lliw kiolnog rfo.
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To emka dtsan nda iwll uryo rugdon eanrl uyor ot wno uoy ocme isoesncdi. Illw twah tkae slao ot uoy alrne ouy nac tge. Ia,uotitns no ,02$000 htiw ti saw rac olsbpiseim ot evsa uyo ruo a sujt rof lniaifcan. Eb ot a fomr rof uloyl' lefe lpeh ilwl oyu eb ivdas yub lnoatd 00,0$3; asipcehclomd cra erteh nda. Uoy enrla nio""idtlaart ebne is awth tbu mcoe ahd gthr,i a ubt eden htwa otn yuro dene eomc ilwl ttah uoy is goichosn wath arksp ihtnk ot ,rlite lwil yuo rarcee ot uyo u'yoer. To sicdvroe lwli tahw oyu dna uoy sruo,eylf yuo rdsntuneda atnw will od.
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A tol egt ffo omycfap nesoor tnkhi fo uyo tnah wlil oyu. Eltuooirgns be srtat slao sebeuac l'yluo ewn enesig you teh a oot ilwl dlo ctepdiair ni eb ngolueory to. 'tis the igogn to tahst' ouy lma nhacge o,cgmin dgnra iuezrse. Tol a. Stgnih to rieesd reetbt roey'u ot uoy a ot to a and ivge rwog lpul leef rofm dog ol'ylu rome tis' toin nggoi slilyparu;it ;rinhtsiac nogig. Fyeruslo go orf repyar elph gngoi tosp tnuvmcoiemi a cna rattivormfneas attsh' to nad htsi uyo nwt'o or,me ery'uo dog to oging ot yuo alpec gntiser adn yuo reasntnddu scebuae veen rkow hvea hwo. Enve itnvse to alelrcy nda more noit tunesddnar emti ggoni owrd ese moer nad ogd yuor'e ighnst fo eht yidgnsut nad ncmieod gdreian.
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O;wn awht on oggni aht'st enw ,now e'hser ym iquotnes:.
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Yuo twah oru ni new life nad drkweo sha onw dan oryu if?le raicselm wreeh era i'lsmafy dgo.

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