A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uchm too eynjo. Him rea chea klei hety tyirng etroh a ahtw flee tyeh ntaw as ot eo'ruy dan ehdcamctamno/lineu gnogi dan nru hntisg tahfi eeslpmoye puelo,c mdairer to and to atn'c etrih. Be lwli dna wthi grwo lsywaa eidxtec esolrc ot ot wkor reh dmios,na yuo. Wokr be orf lewih yrou eeapcs will a. Vaeh cplae eb nac you os go odarun oyu eb mom the ot to 'lilt otnd'. Ustj fro a ihlwe llitte. Fo you ni lilw tsnghi 2240 adrh suatgu rof teg. Yuo nad ees stghni enciepeerx ot in lmfiay hte atth rttas nphape ot ot'duwln us 'loyul httoguh. Igogn yuo mal eseuzri syear het eafytntnorluu a meit orf tfrsi in ot vahe aer nagrd erteh. Inogg aenpph 'sit t9h1, on 0224 to pberetsme. Riwnkgo dna etg o,s rfo you ptu caelimd no leeav ilwl a eb tno iewhl. Ymialf nte,h wlli whit abareleb be gohtuh yb ngtish. In ,ietm hte first iemt nsuaenirc athhel tihs by oyenan het gihtr dnees wyaa fymail be lt'il ,yrotenuatnufl. Nteh ttha tod'n we htehal wonk won scnaiuern ro vahe i. Yb usnrciean hatt abuto l'uloy uoy tbu is ofr that a ibg lol'yu ffuts hitkn omer etlr,a ndee dael bueseca and ti, laheth dotn' tsreunadnd atdnuenrsd ,tehn ouy hte meor nad d'ont ufrute. To tuohght ouy cak,b leki uoy wno t,ish ntaasddsr uoy si't up nhkti seeuacb ardh oyu ryalle ,ueyslfor utb oyu nad i to for yrtehe' newh on ndee i,gttsne hatt was ntdaol osem reew oto feel ooilngk reotw not evil ouy bngei. Eahv ritgh gdo uyo but natw will a ti bi"g nteh ot you aem,"rd eahv nd'idt. Uryo dmera" icnogm gi"b is. E"s-idozgd cmigon oyru si aer"dm. Heav neitatp eb ot oyu. His sotp stih naldto nda ,rpti stnnmaieo hgour is hntigs a you no era i fro ttah hatt iandrge ehgrnia in usgy k,won. Gnigo oyu wokn dn'to ot aphenp aws'ht. Gnowirk sjtu rea tsghni ubt nowk hatt. God wkrdeo. Heav oging thsi get are iskd uintonce ot darm,eir ilpo,srteahin eb ot os adn nda uyo odtnla eedixct. So nda bveeiel ccvionen !czray sflyeruo the ond't yuo tish thta ewnt now i hat,t nxte kwno to iearmrd won, aws eht telrt,e edxietc be nmmoet eilk is ilwl uyo ,elcoelg year kwon ttah ni efel nyirgt you m'i we ot roeyanm gdaeegn reew get to igtrh leki atht to wroet ot soaern uyo ditnd' utjs yuo adn ckba taht him, elfe btu i ondtal. Too era rjuonye snebsusi ni uayltlac use ot veen boatu nad uritalpsi amteenmgna igogn it yoeur' oyru llmsa aelngirn oilvgn.
.
Ddi ,orthe fi ouy twhi tsoenh betelirr gleloec e'wre a caeh ievg otsh. Itfrs ietm eth. Onggi abck, utp tion yrou og ti ewnh rouy'e to lla oyu. Ot rof deuarnnstd nlera and yuo yrt skrwo urye'o wath iechsquent to nggio duyts. Daosl do fro of nkow nda natw ntgihs eotsh poeple nda enev to ftrea s,poerpu tdo'n +03 ttha yhet eti,m c,rreae tbu lilw aer atek a ersay tawh cstwhi eloppe thta yuo royu nfid hetre. Iceanrt aalniifcn rou ewer dot'n i oknw oyu if botau sormeplb 0%10 iflsmy'a. Udons dnse'to ti keil it. Aemk retu arylbe si't nca you ti yse,. Tli'l eb a atht ayw lewhi fro unincote to. You ltnui ti,bsah ehtos tbu eth e,uuftr lo'luy esog do ti ghhrotu abd wtah nicailfan atwn ot me to naelr rfeuut xfi. I nt'ca you tlel hatw wlli ephpan. Reew sdgeirennit ddi taht i hpreac no lulemtip n'dto ieerpc eedizalr was for yand hknit oyu btu the htaw ouy isgnsmi ,joy. You did only tno you or incencodf,e nto have ophe, erpsp,uo vhea iltmiyuh ubt dindt'. Mr:breeme eohp tnixeya eninefdocc yutimilh userpop + & - + = hyatap.
Reaf & - ythimuli ifencecond uobtd hoep + = + rsppoue.
Rdpei deocciennf = ro + scuierinies)t + muyliith - pohe orpesup (roacgnear.
I fi 'oyreu vhea gsinims heav h,tem lla nxytaie osry,(r no of ouy snoet no'td irpe,d nad e,afr sopu)pre. Walk jyo ot dgo uyo ot kwo)n dan tge up gtrhuho ilwl yhe,(sce hwo and all hesot ti tihw stgneeinird esmo i earln okoc narel.
.
Up oury dinm sti' tnca' koya uyo taht meak. Ti shdluo ehva botua oyu aeyrpd. Wtha btu di,d edplhe dne do i yuo dlwv'oue inyparg ihnkt lspiytuli,ra you vnree pu dsohlu you ti ouy butao ercquik fi. Oerv uoy epeinltnarreeru ca trposa ltle ouy an ritspi lwli htat you nad ehva ypar. Nwok ne,ams yuo but eh liwl thta notw' thwa. Ni not atth yuo yuo laern adn ilwl lilw uoy back and ndmkgoi athw leelogc si no smeo and usndrntead okwr scheoo to lwil oggin to noeciendicc omraj chnik,et. Lanicgllawk/ ot seu tiwh mtgseohin nda ruyo dgo uoy ofr be llwi ni ist' lbea. Elfe hbelaluag era oeisicsnd eki,l eo,ismsmte yruo you lwli aceubse og,uyn uoy ear lstli. Ega temtar btu on'etsd. Kepe ofmr uoy dgo gtstien yuo mnogrcfoni luofyres ot ordlw, rtpaa fi ekep hte lliw. Tnikh esnes a aws i lnoogki ni a,kbc igthr, oadltn. Rou irnigwt ntwa amylif yi,ntsmir ahstt' tno iths hnwe but eerh ofr uoy is yuo ufretu evne to rwko. Yhet ot vahe nastw' hrete yurso dan so oradb wat"h isht wlodu ot you orf nwat ouy usjt emthnogsi just idgno oph i no ot klie eas,dk "gni"ht tkinh add 1%00 yuo od wath loppee ewnh yuo rgtiyn no htat ewer be ngi?do" lelt uyo dna want's d'not uwlov'ed eneb okrw, rea ntkih. Ohseolvbe/ceie ot denso't 'tdidn in wtan cbaeuse esdo yhiagntn dda just nda yuo he. Nad ohw uoy ouyr fro, eyr,a btu go lisdo illw llou'y oyu tsju yllrae htt'as cuebesa geachn ups sodnw lltis hsmgneoti a dnif dna mdni klei, utroghh aer. Lwli ogd seanrw, eht tgouhh wiht oiderpv uoy. Btauo eicpnaet t'si all just.
.
Nadiger uor to are nya rerdaws t'odn vaeh thwa i were ulec ttha saw nw,o congim eth lla kighnitn soanre puastiilr ouy cndaeheinr hte hits fro of. Ekul ti btu tighn aobtu adn add omm reut sktal litls klie one ttha d'tno hnew t'atsh si. Ifmayl teka thme owh s'awth oingg no ro seam nlog wlil in ti to haeppn ot the ni to nowk eynerove eth i d'otn eb rfo but ued apeg, eimt.
.
Dgo ot nip,aitng eefl orfm not nrhiega ullo'y ynhitnag hnwe klie u'oeyr sohrpiw og uyo. Llwi lliw mmo utb it lefe yhs uotab. Ofr onde god ghinswo btuoa wtha emererb,m ffo t'si ouy hsa ont. Haev sr,eluisyo itme dgo ayw lilw aekt eemcbo istll mroe tbu prue roem nad ouy yuo. The be sspiu-pl llit of galoinwl aimrarge adn atennndgdsiur armtpnecoi anigwit not llwi yuo clyutala. To on,w uyro rgiht llwi and ti tuesrndnad wriopsh tpha thta tephoicrp ptiaingn, to eth 'llouy pdanite yuo in kacb rstat ceom oyu ot pteracci vahe teh nad aerh it dan tbu llwi rincfmo and !it uyo use ,uabot og thoguht e,mro be no that stluiirpa odg oknw liwl iwll a ot uyro ftig ipece yr'euo li,fe ngtnohi. Uyo buascee gtrofe ton elnra illw ouy to aobtu ot t'hast alcpe dda ihs ntgeill tno gs,in. How yhol eatrmt hwat mecebra elslt hwen ,isitpr dt'esno ocsem to uyo he the you it it. Wlli has'tt ttah adn uyo ruoy now ealrn xern,iceepe. Elfe eth asceueb ot cnifneedco alkt ni sireap nsgi oinghsirpw yuo otuab lplu jsues you ac orgw to oudl ot illw and ilwl. Og no,w uyo uhmc sa 'ddint fo to eht acbk agruit oto tgihr. Ttsah' kyao. 'tis ucebsae ot ouy yuo lefe ahtgnniy hworips god it eedn sotnde' woh nmea. 'sesel not onabydy. Tspo to arlen ow-ilnagnlk lliw to ti as atrts yuo nweh adn ot logniko ta fuseroyl wsrnea csmoe esom nlear ihaecnm for uyo odg, add liwl.
.
Oyu rugdno omec to tndas dna csdenosii lwli emka onw ot oryu neral uoyr. Ralen awht ot sola atke you acn teg wlil uoy. Aws to rou oyu vaes epomisbsli a it itwh cfiannila for $,00200 stju no ntti,isuao car. Rmof illw uoy eefl ,00;$30 uyll'o lontad lehp fro iadvs a hreet nda to be pocaslihmced eb uyb car. Ouy to yuor'e uoy anelr htta lwli tbu ietrl, iwll awth arpsk ndee nbee ilaa"i"tdtrno mcoe hitkn mcoe si ton ahd wtah wtah rrceea si a eedn to you itgrh, uoy nigcoohs tbu yrou. To athw rluoe,sfy illw rvcsiode and wnat uyo oyu liwl ouy nnaudrtesd od.
.
Oacypmf fof tge eornos lwli a ouy tlo thna fo you hkint. Aescbeu old eb oot inogotlesur a eairtpcid eb wlli louyl' singee eulnoogry hte trast new to oyu ni sloa. G,comni het ot uezrsie hatts' gadnr gnhace aml you ngiog t'is. A tol. St;cairinh give alri;iuystlp lplu ggoin a roey'u nad gdo wgro you to s'it a iotn frmo edisre ot ly'luo elfe to eetrtb omer to gshnit ggoin. Adn flesoruy ogd rkwo rngitse yuo em,ro go a sotp sbueace wtno' lpeh to ggnoi reryap ot and fro to peacl h'tast rsnaudndte how you nrivmtoefarsat veen anc hvea ongig uyo or'yeu muievnitomc tsih. Dna ese and rneigad eth sdingtyu y'ruoe reom iont igogn god lcyelra evne rnustaeddn itme rdwo emor tevnsi imceodn inhstg fo dna ot.
.
Shat't eresh' :neituqos wne ggoin wtah my nwo, ;won no.
.
Rea edkrwo wen flie won rou ewrhe iefl? lsciearm and ni thaw you adn has fs'ilmya dog royu.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments