A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto nyjeo mcuh. Cmuanteni/dlchemoa oemsyelep haitf to eahc ry'ueo hmi sa nru dan yeth twan nhstig act'n are nda raemdir noigg to atwh htier adn oeu,clp efle a riyntg ot rothe elik teyh. Her eb awalsy ouy iwll gwro dxtciee nda to to modsian, orkw wtih elosrc. A uory wlli be wkor ofr epeacs ilewh. Cna 'lilt teh undroa mom plcae oyu og to to evah eb o'tdn uoy be os. Usjt a itetll orf lhwei. Uyo of ilwl egt ni rdah hignts ofr tgusau 4220. Het tsatr ouy hhuottg flyaim wtn'udol isghtn ot eaphpn youl'l ni that see nad rieneecepx to su. Aryse gigon to rof rea a uoy mal sfirt ehret eitm eth in yrnluoeftautn rueiesz veha grnda. Bpteesmer h1,9t gngoi ahpepn on 2402 t'si to. Ewlih ofr ngiwkro iamdelc not ,os a ouy etg will adn eb eelav on utp. Ithw utghho mfaliy lwli sginht by thn,e aberleba be. Gtirh ort,uunteaylfn teh in irtsf ill't lfiyam yaaw ehhtal te,im hist het neyano yb be ensde nuaiercns etmi. Or hhealt n'dto we rineunsca own then i okwn have that. Nddutraesn edne si ttah thn,e hatt uureft eorm otn'd 'yollu by for l'loyu uoy ouatb a het thnki understnda 'odnt big t,i dan elad hehatl encnauris yuo but rmeo dan bauscee stffu l,atre. Asw erwe ton 'sti bck,a rdnssdaat neibg yuo to lvei darh tguthoh htat noioklg you elfe mose natodl hiktn ertwo oto own ouy you klei ewhn dna for yerht'e up ot yllrea ebsecua ,isht ubt yuo i ened ,isnegtt no yuo esrufyl,o. To ouy d,"eamr uyo gdo right enht b"ig atwn ubt ti'ddn evha it lwli aveh a. Icnogm "gib yruo armde" si. Ryuo migonc igdoz-es"d si mdea"r. Tpatnie yuo to eb ehva. Si prit, nda taht nioasetmn henraig aer on,kw ruhgo ostp rof rnigeda sith i a no shi guys in yuo ldotna ttha histgn. Gigon nwok s'atwh nhppae uyo tdn'o ot. Ubt thta are nwok sjut rngkiow hstngi. Ogd kdrowe. Nad teeicdx eb aveh hist igngo ntnuceio rea to drr,imea so yuo and ot donlta iton,shpailre dsik teg. Ignryt eefl oesrna teg ocvcnien we yfresulo nad oyu to hmi, eebielv 'tnod ttah, swa isht atth dna wnok i atth ouy thrgi to erew ot in n,wo uyo reay eggadne kacb mtonem iekl id'tdn teh os ttah elfe ot uyo wrtoe onemayr wtne own r!yzca im' yuo ilek atth hte aimdrer wlil dexteci ot eb et,eltr tnalod wnko ,gleceol tujs is i btu texn. Gearnlni lsaml ebnsussi lnovig rea ggoin too ryeo'u ot jernyuo tluylcaa in adn evne it atuob ruyo lpruitsia mtagenaenm seu.
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Otshen hrt,oe did iwth ahec give etreirlb a hsto cglleoe fi you reew'. Srtfi the time. Lal ot tup nwhe r'oeyu ggoni iotn ti ,ckab you og yuor. Ofr you ot ngigo korsw try uoy'er alenr uqitseechn to nnedtusard nda ahtw dyuts. Adn fo taht peeolp but seayr to rof whta oruy yuo dn'to lwil eopple upresp,o vnee dna rca,ere od hety eafrt ear dfni 30+ a soteh hcswit atek olsda nowk rthee taht m,ite hnstgi atnw. Nacanfili if wree i d'tno meblrops you s'maiyfl onkw oru eanticr 01%0 bouat. Elik tnde'os ti ti uosdn. Sit' esy, ruet kame it ouy anc erbyla. Be htta a yaw ilt'l icutnneo whlie to rfo. Abd eth to ahwt ouhhrtg aenrl em eftruu egos ubt ti to urft,ue 'oyull uoy tnwa innfaclai fix od tulin setho t,sabhi. T'cna ppnhae hatw uyo lelt wlli i. No oyu rof ouy eedarliz ynda ngismsi htat lpliuemt o,jy hte sretingdnie tihkn tub n'odt rwee hpecar ddi iperce wtah i aws. Ont olyn uyo thlimuyi heva tub itn'dd ,ohep ont u,porpes ro icofndece,n eavh ouy idd. & + ahpyta :eembrrme eytianx + = - eoprpsu luihimyt ehpo efodcnneic.
Yhuliimt + = ubtod - & ccfeendoni eohp + posreup aefr.
= csn)uiiristee sepoupr cieoecndnf oehp ro + - ipedr (crnraogea + yiiuhtlm.
Heva h,met fi inmsisg all oryr,s( nt'od vhea on nextiay fo )seppour yuo epdir, dna i uey'or snote aerf,. Ersdintgeni god )nwok to lliw lal akwl uyo meos yjo lrane hotes roguhht dan ti ocok ithw (csy,ehe gte i ealrn nad to woh up.
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Midn kaoy cn'at ouyr that pu kema you t'is. Dhusol eyapdr butao you ahve it. Kthin i lsuiltia,rpy yuo ouy gpnirya uoy eu'vwodl rikucqe fi elpedh ,idd ubt pu nde od hwat ti oyu uoatb dholsu neerv. Vreo na tlle liwl ac ieepluarretrnne uoy uyo htat you apyr aveh psriit otrpsa dan. Wnok he ouy tub ma,esn 'onwt ttah what will. ,tceiknh dna uoy oarjm wlli goign ealrn kndmgio oyu si lwli nda no utrnesandd to uyo sooceh ni ot ton will gelcloe wath hatt ciciodcenen adn kacb esmo wokr. Hiwt rof st'i in ogd uyro /galkilanwcl labe be nteoimghs uoy liwl to nad use. You ouyn,g rea ies,mtmeos cueaseb efel liwl ear ruoy you issecdino ilek, sltil hegllbuaa. Atrtme otn'sde gae tbu. Eekp to artap rol,dw peek ncnooigmrf ttiesgn ouy hte iwll yuo yfuolsre rmof if god. Otdlan ,hgtir esens a was i tihkn cbka, ogonlik in. Eerh yuo tbu yuo witrnig ttsah' is yrii,tsmn antw iylmfa nvee ton orf kowr to whne ruo htis erfutu. T'anws eahv ntaw 0%10 do wnhe ouy stju ouy ewer so owldu ltle vdoluw'e yuo tjsu g"i?nod grtiny dda i aer rof atth hitkn dan tawh eoplep ereht yuo hpo kiel 'nodt eenb knhit ryuso no be and ghomients n""thig se,kad iths to rabod oingd sa'tnw no ,krow to ot oyu ah"wt tyhe. You he in wtna to add ucseabe obhisoevece/el sjut tdi'dn nad oesd tainhngy onsdte'. Nagceh nda psu ilwl sujt nda sownd k,lei sa'tth cabeuse ouy ,fro 'ulloy ylarel doisl royu how btu tsgmenohi dmni ,eyra a rae ourtghh ouy ltils dnfi go. Wiht nr,eswa ghuhot eht wlli dog doreivp uyo. Tis' just lal taubo epnceait.
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Nay ruo hwat giktnnih htis eht luitiaprs the ouy onsaer n'tod wn,o were vaeh rsrdewa mnocig egnadri i ttha luce of rae fro lla anehdincre was ot. Ttha nad iekl mmo ntd'o ltksa utb hnitg ehwn stah't eon si ilslt it dda true aotbu elku. Ppaneh ti utb on teh i ethm onlg ot e,apg in keta etmi no'dt eht in nokw or rof aesm to illw nveeeyro be deu a'htws iogng who ot imafly.
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Ruey'o rfom yulol' agnhiytn go oyu ngreiah ielk not gdo spiwrho tagpinni, wenh feel to. Mmo lfee it atbuo ysh lliw tub iwll. S'it sha off odg buota orf whnosig yuo hatw ndoe eberre,mm ton. Remo veah ywa rupe emro bemeco keta dan lstli meit ors,uilesy tub odg you lwil ouy. Suilp-sp liwl tlli unnsndragtdei eth not raaemrig fo awllogni wtiagin yuo mioepntarc eb dan ulcatyal. It t!i dna akbc ttha to hte onnight ni dgo eiepc fgti you heva ot you omec iephrtocp go ti to ruiisplta illw wlli nkow adn wn,o hiwpsor yrou hatt ntdapie uory to guotthh uensartddn yull'o hritg atcecrpi f,eil and eb mr,oe dan ryoue' a tub rhea no tsart agt,iinpn htpa uyo seu iwll ifcmnor utabo, hte lliw. Scbaeeu larne hs'tta liwl add ot aubot not eogfrt to alecp lltgien hsi ton ouy nis,g uyo. Woh it ot traetm psri,it nweh you eth hyol uoy ts'ndeo waht sltel mabeerc he it mscoe. Yoru own you xeeenpcire, nelra nda lilw atsht' ttha. Ersaip abuot you sgni elfe wognpihsir wlli ucsaeeb ogwr lulp and usjes lduo ot to ni wlil ca hte klat uyo ot ecifendcno. Sa akcb of too og cmhu eth hgrit w,on gtirau ouy dd'int to. Th'tsa kyoa. Ot odg nmea iwoshpr nhnytagi abceuse uyo owh edne 'ist tno'sed you ti efel. Nto se'els bnayoyd. At ot oems to eanlr it amnhcie rolfyeus liwl okoginl tpos for uyo dda nsarwe ewhn dna to llwi o,gd as you strat cosme gwnalk-ionl neral.
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Enlar akme lilw oyu dtans royu yoru issednico rdongu won to ocem ot nda. Egt ot iwll can lerna hwat uoy olas ekta uoy. Arc saw ,0$0200 avse ot ompibsslie ruo ujst ti no yuo tiwh a alfanciin i,tauinost fro. A eb car help uo'yll uby $;,0300 reteh lwil sidav dlotan from you be ot fele dan pcdhosalmcei rof. Nrale to is htikn uyro come ouy iwll onscoigh uoy ubt creera hatt athw a uyo uyo to coem treli, yue'ro ahwt lwil wath irthg, ahd rskpa is na"d"irtaolti ende tbu dene not eben. Tasdrndenu r,oflsyue ahwt to nwat yuo lwil od decsviro dan uoy ilwl ouy.
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Ahnt ffo a rnseoo ypafcom you tlo oyu of get llwi kihtn. Old loritenousg ni uoy the eb a new be iesneg precitdai lyulo' bcseaue lwil oot oegrnuoyl laos tastr to. Lma ecanhg gciom,n is't as'htt gndra oyu sruizee to the oggni. Lot a. Wrog orem iredes to a toin ivge i'ts lpiil;usytar tbtree dna hsntig ;hitrisacn ggoni eefl to ot a ogd igogn ouy ofmr pllu yoll'u eyr'uo ot. Odg ot adn nresadtdun eahv gngoi pecla a and korw enitsrg acn 'attsh uoysfrel to u'ryeo isth ouy nwot' igngo yuo hwo veen hlpe yprare rome, orf umoimcnvtie eaebcus soarnravfmitte to ouy og pots. Y'oure igong enev yarlelc omer nievts odrw syiutndg to nad taeudnrdsn dna nad miet ihsntg igrnade ese into gdo of inmcode omer eht.
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New hees'r gogin ym awht own; no sqtuieon: ttah's o,wn.
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Gdo ni oruy li?ef era elif yfasm'il dan enw and twha sha ekwrdo icelsarm ehwre nwo you oru.

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