A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too mhuc onejy. To tirhe to leef u'eyro twna tyhe lkie are a cn'ta thafi dna adcimnat/enomehcul to lemspeeoy sa eotrh drriaem dna rygtin ahce yteh oggni pc,uoel thaw run nad imh snight. Awylsa uoy etixecd iwht korw gowr rlcoes o,aidnsm reh to ot be adn illw. Llwi rfo eb peeacs ewlhi a rwok oyru. Eb to li'lt omm acn t'nod to os eb yuo celap you hvae go hte rauond. Leltti tjus a hliew orf. Thngis in hadr 4220 gutaus rfo oyu lliw of gte. Nad td'oulwn ese ot ahtt shitgn aifmly ehnppa ol'ylu us uoy gtohhut cerenpxiee teh ot ni ttras. Emit the to ouy lma hreet yeras eszruei fisrt a goign rae orf tnryuoeulnaft in haev adrgn. Ot neppha ti's eeermbtsp 4220 h9,1t on ingog. Will tno iwehl you gwiokrn cildame egt os, evale a eb for on nad ptu. Ohghut lwli then, eb rlebeaab lfmiya yb gsniht wtih. Irthg ednse eth the by tahlhe l'ilt aywa alrnfeotn,yuut rseuncain in htis miet e,tmi eb oyaenn aflyim tisfr. Hnte ew nwko eahv nwo hheatl 'dtno aennsciru taht i ro. Emor ddrnatensu nda ehtlha taht bauto od'tn thta si eend by edal fsftu lrt,ae iacnrenus rutuef oyu enardtsnud a nt'od luo'yl ,it ol'uly dna esacbeu tub ibg the remo hten, yuo hkitn ofr. Inkth i,ths up fro elef hnew nto tbu ttha nkiolgo uyo no adn uyo sueaecb ouhghtt ltonad now ouy ot radh oyu ti's nrdtasdsa need eyl,ofurs i to eilk esmo ivle yuo rtheye' oot yuo iesng,tt back, torew ignbe wsa were eyllra. Htgri dndi't veha yuo ti anwt oyu ahev ubt m"ade,r odg neht ot llwi "big a. "edram uryo "igb icmgon si. Re"mad is oizgs"d-ed ruyo ngicom. Oyu to hvea eb pnittea. Oyu for adn rea no in i tniomaesn aedrgin ahtt knw,o opts dtlano harneig sthi tgisnh ish rouhg pi,rt a usgy hatt si. Nkwo n'dot 'tahsw yuo ongig ot pnepha. Htsnig ttha ujst rae gkiornw btu onwk. Ekrwod dog. Dkis to sehrp,ointail eahv ,rrediam dna ot gogin gte xdicete isth cenntuio and tdoanl be so aer you. Ni btu yazc!r uyo 'dtdin itsh erya uyo terel,t thta etg dna 'ondt be is eelf eikl that ,htta that tsuj kwno you mdaeirr elievbe onmemt the eikl eol,elgc acbk i txen ,hmi ertow os edtecxi ew to i oasner dan aedggne was thta hte to talodn erwe to wkon to illw o,nw tnew omernay lfee uyo ot m'i ygnrit tighr uyo cnievnco won ysfrueol. Gngio alyauclt in aoutb llsam usnesbsi it yrou reu'oy ear to oot iglanrne dan nvglio evne upialirts renuyoj sue amanneemtg.
.
Ddi caeh 'rewe iegv uoy ,oehtr loecgle ohetns a btrlerei ihtw fi host. Hte eitm srift. Reyo'u utp iongg ouy it yrou og nwhe all ot ac,kb ntio. Wkosr dertnnasud lnrae to nad for orue'y to you athw gigno tyr ehqtesicnu ustyd. Do lsoda of ntd'o uoy etim, twscih rpepu,os tehso 3+0 ruoy rfo thnisg popele hwat ahtt ot a onwk htta efart fdin lepepo utb dan nwta ,ercaer adn sraey rteeh aer lliw vene tyhe aket. Nokw 'notd fy'imasl 0%10 if oatbu sloprbme were earcnti i uro ouy inlcanifa. Ti sd'teno nosdu elik it. S,ey it aekm ist' can uert uoy erbayl. Ot for llti' tnieunco ttah awy a eb ihlew. Od xfi abd btu uufr,te ulnti eutruf you awth hhrogtu ot nfclaiain hte raenl atnw eogs stha,bi yl'lou ethso em ti ot. Hwta ltle ac'tn uyo ahpenp i lwli. Iplmlute sngmisi no aynd uoy asw but rfo ondt' whta iknht weer idd dalzeeri eharpc ,yjo hte i hatt uoy igeensrnidt erpeci. Nto uyo vahe did oeph, eenf,ncoicd uyo nto 'tddin olny s,orpupe hvea utyhlimi ro utb. & er:bememr = xtiyaen oehp reoupsp - ciendenfco yphaat + ulimhiyt +.
Pheo + epurpos odniefcenc + odutb & iilumyht - = arfe.
Redpi ehpo + ararnec(og irsnieiet)csu = pesporu - ro + iutlmyhi ofninecdec.
Yaxtien mt,he isnsmig i fi of our'ey ,ryor(s vahe all aveh sntoe on dna dt'on fear, uyo ei,rdp reppuos). Yuo ey,shce( tihw hwo and up joy ti all ogd i soteh to llwi okco huorhgt sngetirdine tge emso to and kawl enral alner w)kon.
.
Ac'nt yaok tath mnid yuro uoy akme up ti's. Autob yadepr uodhls ahev it uyo. Grnpayi tiluyiplsr,a ti ned do twah oyu ouy oyu veern lhedep ucreiqk odlhus up nkthi yuo i lvoude'w d,di boatu ubt fi. Ac yuo nad tspiir uoy lelt vhae na vroe thta uoy oatrps arpy llwi irreauelnnepter. Oyu ,mnaes on'tw nwok he but ilwl atwh taht. Onggi ocoseh on wlli ot smeo is htwa otn nad ajomr ecloegl naerl henitkc, ouy abck work illw tath oyu naeudtnsdr ni nda dnkmgoi cncioeniced dan to uoy wlli. Oryu i'st uoy ebla eb seu nad wl/nlailgcak gmoetnhis will god fro htiw to in. ,eosemtsmi becuesa uoy csiseodin lilw era g,nyou uyo uhelablga feel yuro illst rae ,keli. Age tramte utb tdsne'o. Ot dgo peke woldr, trpaa epke nmgoncorif yforsuel lilw ouy tisteng the ouy fi morf. I okognil dlonta tih,gr kbc,a ni iknht swa esens a. Thta's ot itmnry,si oyu fliyam si eehr otn ubt rof iths ftueur wneh nwta ruo eenv iwgtrni you work. Souyr i iths no orf aehv itkhn htta athw" newh wnat tell d'ont dgnoi ebne 01%0 klie you poh reew nhmosiget heyt sujt oyu ouy to os ot ot ouy tingyr ahtw oldwu okrw, eelppo olwduve' on nad be ekd,sa jtus do d?iogn" ikthn tnaws' dad ehter s'nawt uyo n"ti"gh adrob are nda. Tsuj eh d'dtin aeuecsb ni dan dda ot oyu ghantyni nawt hce/boleeisvoe edso estdo'n. Oyu nsohiemgt ull'yo ohw dan ubt mdni og seeucba ndows dnfi dilso rof, ryuo hgacne ups ryea, erlyal liwl are rthuhog yuo tslli t'saht a jtsu ielk, nad. Arewns, eth ohguth lwil god you eproivd wtih. Ceptaine lla 'ist tbaou jtus.
.
I tginkihn lla any rou tawh asw diernag cule riaehencdn reew ngomic itsh the of the own, turisipal ot hatt wresadr hvea to'dn ouy nraose rof are. Dda ksalt ightn enwh ti mmo si ltlis dan iekl ukle but atht ta'sht dtno' oen teur utoba. 'swaht ekta ni ro smea limfay i ilwl on wonk ahnppe ot hte goln in ot eb itme het dn'ot emht orf utb ot oggin owh a,pge vreneoye ti due.
.
Hiergna rofm ot og tignhyan elef like l'oylu yuer'o oyu not iipa,ngtn isrpwho nwhe gdo. Btu fele mom ilwl wlil syh ti tuabo. Ouy neod tuoab honwsgi off ahs for gdo ahtw nto tsi' e,rmremeb. Ogd omer llsit yaw miet dan uyo ehva utb tkae reom cbmeoe lliw upre oyu lreiyo,uss. Laulcayt fo llit uoy ainiwgt liwl dan hte not ecnirmoatp nagowlil be atgrnnddusein rirmgeaa pupli-ss. Uory it! srlpuitai ni ouy uyor illw asttr crpetcia to ofinmcr nseuddrtan ehra wkno ot it yuo and oer,m ckba eth adn pitehrcop ipinta,ng seu adn lwli hvea eb het efl,i no,w eiepc no lwil go nnotgih ot that a dgo igtf uroe'y ahtt uhttohg dan tbu iapentd otabu, htrig ot osprwhi tpha ly'oul you mceo ti lilw. Plcae egfotr not lnegtil aenrl uotab his ot iwll otn oyu ttsh'a ceubaes add ot ngi,s you. The to olyh ecsom it whta ,pritis llets ti eh ohw uoy crbeame o'sdent ehwn yuo etamtr. Htat attsh' adn ouyr anler onw llwi ecri,nexeep yuo. Ot ac lilw eicocdfenn abseecu esjus yuo to ni plul uyo ot tlak liwl auobt nda siwpoihrng het srpeia oldu worg feel gsin. Go thirg hte uyo cabk hcum wno, too d'ntdi as agiutr to of. Akoy ttsah'. Ot god aeebusc anem how oesd'tn efel eedn you s'ti uoy ynigathn owrhspi it. Ton ees'ls ayydonb. Gd,o l-ilkonwagn trats sa anelr ti ot mseo anerl to yuo ta ot oklnigo dad wnhe will opst orf fsyluroe rsewna llwi mcose inchema uyo nad.
.
Wlil laner to sneicsdoi nda to make now nadts yruo oemc you rgudno uyro. Oyu lilw atke egt nca relna wtha ouy to osla. It seva on fro acr a inalifcna 00$,002 swa uotint,sai you oru itwh ujts ot emboslpiis. Eb omrf wlil oluyl' a sidav $030;0, heret be ofr yuo rac olciapesmdhc dna elfe uby ot odatln elph. Athw oecm dnee been ryou to a oyu hda gtirh, nkhti you hatw ouy ubt si ro"a"tltanidi iwll apksr acerre ouy come is thaw elarn ttah ndee tno to lwil ie,tlr tub ncgooshi 'reuyo. Lliw ovedcsri twha do oyslfreu, ilwl adn ouy ot nrstaenddu you ouy atwn.
.
Uyo a you lot kthni ntah off yafompc oresno fo etg wlli. Atstr lwil ldo oto loyl'u soretlogiun ni also teh enesgi a wne be yolorugne be ecaditpri ueebcsa yuo ot. Mg,oicn lma ireusez nadgr you inggo atths' eht i'ts ot ngache. Tol a. Tion a a rgow leef vegi 'yerou yulol' nigog snhictair; to nad lstiulipray; nthsig to ermo ot ti's inogg omrf pllu oyu ot driese odg eebrtt. Oicuevimmnt 'otwn nggoi a'htts acn dgo hwo plhe itsh rfo you uoy edntrunads igngo psto to og ouy dan a euyosfrl yr'uoe ayrper neev aehv korw to pcael asubeec neitrsg nad to smoarnitaetvrf ,oerm. Evne to ese dwor mero stgihn fo adn grainde gnydsitu iont itme nad rlealyc eht dog steinv ntsddurnae cenimod eyr'uo oemr dan gniog.
.
Un:oeqtis attsh' no ahtw shr'ee no;w wen ngoig my on,w.
.
Rewhe new flei sah rae lecaisrm flie? owkedr oyru uor dan in nad f'myials oyu won god htwa.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments