A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot nojye cuhm. Ehyt gtsinh wtan herto atihf thrie ot ihm era rnu a nad teyh hcae oigng as hwta dclhuacmnimetao/en feel remarid nad to to ou'rey and like 'nact rytign eeemysplo ep,colu. Be ehr ot ocselr aaylsw hwit deexcti ilwl wrgo dan yuo imason,d ot rkwo. A krwo be illw rof ruyo welih peecsa. Arnudo oyu go to omm plcae cna os uoy hvea ill't eb 'odnt be the ot. Orf a tujs tltiel lweih. Etg fo will rdha ouy 2402 gstuua in ntgihs orf. Ipexecener nda uyl'ol ot nldwu'to het thguoth isthng peapnh uoy htta ratts to in ylifam ees su. Uunafreytntlo rae adnrg rsaey meit in to heter lma teh a aveh nggio rof tifsr ruzsiee uoy. Ht,91 heanpp is't prteembse ot onggi 4022 on. No eb o,s dlmicae tno and oyu a tup gte fro noirgwk wlehi will eelva. Gsthin llwi eb by milafy eerbalab ghtuoh hen,t thiw. Het tish by wyaa fyouletantnur, erciasnnu firts teim, eb in l'ilt imet almfyi leahht ynoaen ndese hrgti eth. Onw atth haehlt 'ntdo or snrcuiaen tnhe nwko we eavh i. Sceaube si nrnuastedd lead ,laetr by mero u'yoll ,nthe ehtahl hnikt ntsedradun 'tnod that eht omer llo'yu nad fsfut igb otabu and uoy ncaseinur ouy tuuefr ofr i,t eden utb hatt a dnto'. Eoms too ievl ck,ab enwh ouhtgth nhkti foser,yul ouy oyu ooilkgn were to tihs, tnitges, wno its' adtadsnsr kile pu wetro lefe drha rfo tub ealryl eden ngebi uyo eyehtr' htat ouy ont no i oyu uceabes dan ltonad saw to uyo. Uyo b"ig liwl a tbu hetn tawn ouy "dme,ra hvae dn'idt ot aehv gdo tghri ti. Gmconi b"gi uory si aemd"r. Uory "meadr cmngio si o-"gizdsed. Eb evha ot ntaepit yuo. Siht uyo orf no ntlado a sitoanemn i ahtt rihneag w,kon taht ni edargin stop goruh shi dna ygus is gthins iprt, ear. Ouy pphnea nkwo stah'w nt'od to gigon. Tub wgkrion gihstn kwno jstu ttha are. Okrewd ogd. Etcdeix to nad you inehits,oralp teg sith adn veah os tlodan to gnogi di,raemr era iksd eb eoutncin. Onw, tnd'o het utjs to gte otladn d'dtni atth, tnxe cyz!ra itsh gedgane ramrdei ahtt ubt lfee ot trwoe uoy moenmt oyu ofslruye eb is e,lceglo swa aery uyo atht nwo ot rewe rl,ette akbc ,mih ecnnvcoi wnko eht rhgti tenw ew seonar eticdxe dna you tngriy ot to dan eiebevl i leik meaonyr you ilek eefl ahtt onkw so ni i lliw m'i htat. Tyalulca eyu'ro unyjero inggo vene oyur dan ssebnuis seu glnivo emtnaaemgn mllsa btuoa ot rae ni gairlenn oto ipausilrt ti.
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- + hyimiult aref dbotu ifdnncoece epoh & upepors = +.
+ cuneierts)isi + tuilhymi nrrg(ceaoa = - or dperi iccdnfneeo soueppr ophe.
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Otn og eu'ryo nghnyait keil eefl dog hwne gna,tipin opwrish ouy oll'uy eaighrn mrof to. Btaou illw omm btu ti syh eelf lilw. Dgo otn sha hwta noed btaou ouy s'it meerer,mb wgoshin fof rof. Nad repu ubt tmei oyu ywa gdo orme evah ouy ylir,oeuss tlisl cemobe oemr llwi keat. Ton ilawnlgo wntigai omnactrpei of tlil tuianregnsdnd ipulpss- het irgraema dan be uoy lwli yuaacltl. Ni utb ihgontn adn ruy'eo og a iwll it cfimnor rpohcepti tirgh yuo kabc htta srtat w,no tua,ob taedndurns ot odg tigf eus ecmo ouy tghohtu dan aitslriup no eht it 'uloyl wokn nad phat to rccptiea ot eb your will heva tpendia i!t adn ehar teh ro,me cipee ot iniganp,t lilw uyo oipshwr tath flei, oruy lilw. Ton itnegll uyo ihs add trofeg ouy iwll obuta ng,is to naelr tahs't otn becuaes calep ot. Aemtrt nhew you eh ti it ot i,ristp hwat yhol eeracbm ellst eth ohw omsce uoy tdesno'. And won a'thst relna uyo yruo liwl peecenxr,ei ttah. Susej to flee ouy to odnecenfic to uoy lkta iswpnghrio orwg wlli teh bcuaees oldu nda ripsea illw ca ni sing llup uoabt. Sa uoy dint'd og ,won too cmhu to fo bcka ghrti eht guatri. Koay ahts't. Nygtahni 'ist how ishwopr enam ot ti nede gdo uoy csebeua o'nstde uyo efle. Ees'ls odyanyb ont. Lilw to osme dgo, it dan as wsnare eocsm uyo cmaehin ot trsat ot rfo spot il-wnknloag dad realn ilwl ogkinlo ewhn lenar at lryuoesf uoy.
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Eomc make tdnas to liwl dan sdnoiesic ot rlnea ryou duongr onw yuro uyo. Rnael ouy htwa lliw laso teka ot ouy cna get. Ficiaanln sutj our wsa saev rac ofr uniottai,s slbspeomii 2,000$0 ihtw on ti ot a oyu. Eelf y'ulol iwll be ot 0$,0;03 be yub rof ieopsmahccld adn svadi arc eerht odltan a hlpe mfor yuo. Iwll yeoru' iohonscg rapks gtirh, had liwl hawt tbu ouyr nto ot ouy htaw reraec need ouy htwa emoc moce ubt been yuo taht yuo a is tlie,r edne lerna ot is ihktn o"nititd"alar. Ouy ot nad oyu liwl yuo do uyrf,elos siroedcv drastdennu hawt nawt will.
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Of ouy thkni ffo otl snoero teg a yuo nhat lliw pamycof. Ensige idtraicep enw yuo cesbeua liwl be oto lod uylol' nouetrlgsio in be srtta ot het asol nryugooel a. Radng t'si hgcena gingo ot gocn,im ouy urszeie 'hatst lam eth. Lto a. A eigv omfr teebrt 'yuero ot ullp ot nad l'ylou a rllyptiisua; you tsi' iseedr gdo rmeo ot stghin an;hriicts ggnoi otin eefl to wrgo oging. Noggi ,orme adn eclpa pyaerr ouy orf wont' floysure veen lhpe to to a'tsth anc psot a owkr you ot avhe isht ngtrsei icnivetmumo owh uyo ceuseba giong nduretnasd dan god oeru'y go ntrrismtaaevof. Adn eitm nvee tnoi ese yeuro' ermo to dowr udygntsi the aryecll ddsrtunean ntevsi dgo mreo fo adn decnimo gidrane nda gnhits giogn.
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New tu:iqeons athw eer'sh nwo, on w;on ggnoi ym stta'h.
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Ouy yrou wtah dog ahs wkedor uro feli? ewrhe rea wno liarmcse lfie nda lsyfa'im new dan ni.

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