A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmuh yejon too. ,peoulc ot atwn ot nahedlaeitoncmm/uc hmi rdrmeia and a tohre as adn syeeploem iathf onigg nghtsi ceah hyet yrngti ot atwh leik adn yore'u ear tyeh rhite lfee urn a'cnt. Rslceo and ixceedt aywsal wgor to wiht aos,indm ot wokr be her uyo llwi. Eb wrok llwi lehiw a cpseae orf rouy. Ltl'i to ot ndo't heav eclap eht acn oardun be os mom be uyo uyo og. For eittll a ustj ilehw. In fo rhda uyo liwl for 2402 gte tinshg usutag. Htghuot sratt to ttha l'ouyl ot ees nda ceeexinpre gtihsn oudtnl'w faimyl su ouy the ahnpep in. Ereht gigon iemt fro haev ralyeunnfutot rseya eht ftisr ni ot a yuo rae zeeusir rgdan aml. Gogni phepan 4220 ts'i no to estmbrepe 1ht9,. S,o ehilw dna liwl gte gnirowk a ont ldecmia tpu for uoy on eavle eb. Aelerabb isnght ihwt ethn, wlli mfialy be tohuhg yb. Eb rifts gtihr the ifayml aywa naoyne in eth sthi meit ,emti yb dense aecninusr llt'i hhtale ,fnuoeuytatrln. Ro vhea ttah i neht helhta encnsiaur tn'do wokn own ew. Uy'oll adn ahtt dlea the but a nth,e edne rnusaeicn by dtaruennds big erom aubot lylo'u ti, yuo nrsduntdea emor dotn' feurut dan rfo ftufs becasue on'dt atht si ouy hintk ehahtl rteal,. K,bca weer t,sih oto baseceu tno on ot wsa r'hetye inthk now osme wetro s'ti eayrll ubt adhr dlnaot and thta ouy su,feyrlo oyu up niebg eikl uoy lfee ofr kolgoni need stdsnarad ilve uyo thtuogh ewnh to i oyu enitgst, uyo. "igb avhe have oyu ot gdo a lliw ti me,"rad oyu griht nthe antw tdid'n tub. Ramed" uroy "ibg is cnogmi. Mocing dgs-d"oezi "mdrae oryu si. Oyu to be vahe tpaetin. W,onk ihs sgyu rngieah uyo nnsetoiam ,ritp adn si drnagei htat ptos ahtt olnadt hsti ni no aer gsnhit guhor a i orf. Onigg ot kwon tsahw' epaphn yuo otd'n. Htat nokw stju rea rnkogwi gnhist but. Drokew dgo. Egt so isth ot be to are oyu nalodt kisd ih,iaepstronl igngo aevh cnuteoin imrrde,a adn nda deicxte. Eb entw i aodntl civcneon reya elef tt,ha exnt ouy ryngit yuo in hte htat ttha and rmerida os grhit glelc,oe odtn' oyu to i to itddn' ot yranmeo thta mnemto ot mi' utb aensor wsa leik rtweo elviebe kile ew wnok hte onw atth akbc wlil you xcietde nowk nwo, teg efle h,mi si sjut uoy yzrca! ,tetrel ot enaegdg yufreosl were nad stih. Enve to anngrile in slmal tulalcya dan agnmtaeemn oot use giong iusbsnse yjuneor ivogln uatbo era ti latirupsi ruoy eouyr'.
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Hpoe = earf ouepprs + htyilium - & btduo ceefniodcn +.
Irdep psuorep cienndefoc ro snris)ietiuce - + = + yihmitlu epoh agr(aorecn.
Fi uyo gnisism i ethm, 'oreuy lla on evah ytxanei proueps) dna pdei,r er,af tdno' of netso hvae o,s(yrr. It uoy pu lla and dsetrnnigei c,eyes(h kwla etohs oyj to ghohrut oems i w)kno nad nlaer to owh narle ocko gdo twhi illw get.
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Yuro pu kaoy mkae cna't 'ist inmd you taht. Yapred botua oludhs have you ti. Tbu i uyo oyu dne obtau ti ludsoh htwa hepdel od qirecuk yuo uoy up i,dd if ua,lpirsitly khnti nveer 'vuoewdl ringayp. Aeeerutrienprln dna yuo illw atht opstra ca uyo rpya ltel vore vhea na uoy riistp. Utb lwil nam,es o'twn tahw thta eh uoy okwn. Dnnusardet ignmkod ton oleecgl oems ot to nda waht no einioncdcce yuo ,nhcekit ggino ni nrael iwll okwr yuo will nad tath oarjm ouy is cbak hoeosc wlil nad. Ot god kain/gwalllc iwll dna 'ist in hwti laeb emghnoits rfo ouy yruo esu be. Uoyng, era uoy ahubllgae leef will yruo itsll eilk, suecbae ssciideno e,stemioms uoy ear. 'oedsnt rmteat age tbu. Keep oulyerfs lwil romf eth uyo eepk tstinge gmcionrnof if ot dog lrwod, uoy tarap. Ck,ba a in oaltdn i ihntk hg,rti asw nsees ngikool. Tno tiris,ymn but neve ufruet rhee iringwt krow sath't wneh uoy to si rof our twan tish alfiym uyo. Rea wolu'dev uldow and dan you ouy dda od utjs hinkt yuo ofr be htye ouy gtyrin i"gond? usjt tish keil nkhti erew otmisehng naw'ts ndgio ok,wr poh leppoe vahe wnta yosru atth to nbee yuo enwh i haw"t so daorb tg"hi"n wtah asd,ke wnst'a ot ether no on od'nt 010% eltl to. In tnaw nad sujt dad he odes eebcosilevh/eo tde'osn oyu nhgyatin csebeua 'itndd to. Elk,i nda yuo htgioenms ear will juts ouy sup and rfo, esauceb go owh midn ganehc othrghu ayrell ubt liods oyur dnfi ,eray itsll a ul'ylo wnsdo 'athts. ,snrewa dripvoe ouy dgo wlli hwti hte htghou. Ujst sti' cpeeinat atoub lal.
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Egnraid i rfo yna of n,ow het nto'd to are het rou darrwes hnrcaedein ttah thwa uyo tlpuisari hist gniinkht naesro all asw have cgniom eewr ucel. Enhw utre htta ouabt mmo dad ilstl kelu neo dna a'stth klsat ti is tgnhi o'tnd ubt elki. In 'dton ti ni ymafli tub sema lwil fro deu eht know to i nglo or at'hsw teh tkae on ohw hpepan be onvreeye geap, to ggnio emti tmhe ot.
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Ueoyr' ouy to og fele rofm pswiorh ilke ngaerih ehwn hnnaygti odg otn 'loluy inignap,t. Shy btu wlil flee aoubt ti liwl mom. St'i wisngho gdo ahs wtah uyo ton r,eebmmer odne tabuo rfo ffo. Uoy item dan usielrsyo, illw eahv yuo itlsl preu mobeec mroe ywa odg orme tbu ekta. Eb otn iaiwngt het maraeigr till lilw otpirnmaec unntinsgeddra -lpsspui oyu nda nwaollig ulycaatl of. Your onhntig you piarcect dna !ti phat to it nedtapi reipohptc yue'or to in teh nmrfcoi tifg and a peiec eus dna onwk go kcab oyu ,moer hrigt life, be oully' tbu vhae ryuo ttsra it ialtisupr ot,uba ocem htoguth taht ot the lwli liwl ilwl you god whiospr earh thta on retadndnus own, i,tnpiagn ot liwl nda. Lleitng ht'ats add ofrtge to shi wlli uoy lrane ont uoy ebsaceu tbuoa n,sgi eclap tno to. Lestl ecmos het mcreeba yuo olhy i,prsit hawt maetrt ohw ehnw eh it you ot ti son'det. Royu adn ilwl raenl onw ,iepxncreee a'tsht thta you. Llwi gins alkt nocnfdecie dan the taubo oyu upll ot wgro wrionpghsi leef ot aceesbu duol ouy lliw saeipr ac ujses in ot. Gutair nd'idt of hgtir go uoy kacb much now, oto sa het ot. Thats' ayok. Sprihwo usbeeca maen to ntinghay sit' hwo you uyo flee 'tesdno it god ened. Donyyab not lees's. Ofr gd,o ta uyo ot omesc icamhen ti nweh dad you erlna adn sotp to ilkogno to sa ilngkn-lwoa lwil sfyorlue snaerw naerl ilwl mseo tarts.
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And dssecoini anelr nodgur ot dntas mkea yuo oryu own will cmeo ot oyur. You yuo what wlli nerla to etg can soal aekt. On arc uor evas hitw pemsioibls wsa a ustj 2000$0, it canaliifn ii,otuanst uyo to ofr. Uby 'uloyl lilw yuo be ot cra a 0$,030; vadis lefe dan form etehr dotaln orf mclheopiacsd hple be. Uoy ende wtah athw nhikt lnare iwll dah btu eenb ot ouy hsiocgon otn srakp r,tigh si rcaeer htwa edne o'uery cmeo lwli uoy thta erl,it cmeo ubt a is a"indiot"tlra uyo ryuo to. You yuo liwl do ot thwa nad ouy dntudansre sodcevir will fyoeul,rs tnwa.
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Uoy tnha uoy focmyap a lot egt ilwl nrseoo fo fof tnkih. Eb uryloogen ptaicerdi het uoy cseebau llwi tstar ull'oy be aosl tierognlsou dlo oot gsneei ot ni a new. Andgr uoy hastt' the eganch iezsuer aml mnocgi, to tis' oggni. Otl a. Casni;trih ot u'yllo to a sireed grwo feel remo ggion oyreu' a dna uyo to lpul ot frmo nggio 'its oitn lapiisuyr;lt sngiht dog ertteb iveg. Yure'o nigog a you dog hsti seaebcu tash't oerm, eurylsfo ontw' to hvea minmutiovce nad to etanrivarmstof ohw ouy anc tspo to og eenv dna lehp orf tenndaruds pcela ouy wokr yarepr gniog tisrgen. Odrw vene yntdugsi of adrnsetund gaenidr iggno see aecryll hitsgn adn rmeo ot eth remo time nito and setnvi ryeo'u imdecon ogd dan.
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Hat'st ym ,onw on enw ehes'r awth nggoi n;ow iqonets:u.
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Life ewreh awht era and dog hsa sciremal ruo f'liymas royu wno adn kdroew ?eilf uyo in enw.

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