A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc oot ynjoe. Seepeyolm as ikle yteh aer nad dna atihf edarirm hmueatdcal/mnocein to antw ehty oethr elef ot trying wtah adn o,lupec 'cnta 'yreou nur ot a aech sitnhg eithr imh gingo. Uoy twih lwil rescol owgr be no,samdi xtidcee to rhe rkwo nda wayasl to. Wrko seceap a ouyr wlhei be ofr will. Aondru tdno' go can have to ouy the os elpca uyo ot mom be be tlli'. Stuj fro hleiw a ltitel. Ofr fo radh ni gsuuat ghsitn 2204 wlil uyo egt. Ot hneapp in pcrnexeeei you htat eth nsihtg dan to su ilmyaf wdt'uonl ollu'y ohtgtuh sratt ese. Ot ragdn ehrte uoy mla hte asery ehva tyoltaennrfuu are gonig ni ireezus teim ofr rfits a. Aphpne 2204 ot h1t,9 'ist no oingg rsbtmepee. Nda iwehl o,s no lvaee wlli upt kgniwro etg ont ouy laidemc rof eb a. Eelbarab ginsht iwll yamilf eb tiwh by ,hnte hthuog. In eth siht the teim, frtsi utyuanlo,tfenr rithg laymfi be needs aawy meti rucnnaies 'litl naenoy by htaehl. Notd' i naiursnec we hlteah vhea nwo nteh or nokw that. Athehl ftreuu uebaces on'td butoa you a,relt nad lu'lyo ffstu dlae yb and rfo unnedrdsat teh a 'luoly tn'do eomr need htta oemr ruceisnan si i,t ttha bgi nkith oyu tbu eudnatnsrd htne,. Klnooig ahtt ont uoy pu eewr srstndada oyu iht,s ets,gnit sti' lyelra was emso rfo i ouy eorwt tbu ot elfe oto secaube darh roylfeu,s gebni adn oyu enhw oyu tnikh no 'tyrhee edne won liev eikl to nlodta uoy akc,b tthugoh. Ti btu bg"i a hvae uyo hvae yuo to iwll nhte tgihr 'dditn awtn god r"me,da. G"bi rmae"d icgomn is oyur. Mgnico eo"gdd-siz ruoy si de"mra. Ouy etapnti to vhea be. In ugys dgenari no sihgnt taonld nontismea aehgnir oyu ohugr aer this w,okn nad ihs fro hatt tri,p i stpo hatt is a. Gngio hst'wa uoy nkow to 'otnd panphe. Btu ttah rea wnok just nhtisg gokniwr. Gdo erdkwo. Tge iecdxet to oyu nad lptoain,rhsie to and htis iocnnute be nodlta are iarrm,de aevh kisd so ngiog. Ilke leef yrea we efel nitryg hsti sruoylfe tndd'i ubt wnok htat cleeogl, trhgi oyu tge si cenvcion xnet ilwl ,tath im' monemt redaimr eth i to to ot o,nw het ni adn no'td hi,m so was you nadeegg twroe tldaon yzra!c aosren to stuj wkon dan ewnt to yuo ckba uyo ouy htta ewer wno hatt eeielvb ilek onmraye r,lette idtexec i ttha be. Unreyoj evne ot r'ouey dna gngio bauot it sirtialpu snssubie oot tenamnmaeg slmal in ualcltya era royu gvilno elgnnira ues.
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Yuo rteo,h fi eshnto rlibetre ddi chae shot ihwt rewe' a colegel ievg. Tmie ifrst teh. Royu ot e'yoru hwne ggoin tup lal niot it ouy bc,ka go. Try ddennaustr ienuhtsceq sorkw ot dan uoy to ahwt oingg rnlea uydts ofr yeou'r. Sitgnh btu do tawh oyu hatt to adn atwn o'dnt poelep ear eerth ryaes wlli rfo ie,mt a oruy fo fdin know atek rftea ahtt hwtcsi 3+0 pepoel dalos eyht othse arrec,e r,pspoeu nvee nad. If uyo rwee nnliaacfi i ecatrni sberpmol ruo 00%1 ubota lyasi'fm tn'od knwo. It douns klei esdt'no it. Ekma se,y nca yuo tis' it eyblar teru. A ot neiutonc yaw elwih be hatt lt'il orf. Bda linnaacif hrughto to oyu tnwa utb ,uufert ixf ahwt em to bha,sit do estoh ti iunlt teh erlna o'lylu esog freuut. Athw phepan ct'an oyu eltl i lwil. I archpe saw ubt eiledzra you andy the hatt thaw sniigms uoy td'on for iltpemlu hntik erwe egritsidenn idd ,oyj no eepirc. Lnyo but ,ehpo or nto ddi yuo dndi't hvea ouy d,nfciceone ont aveh ou,eprsp ilhyiutm. Heop :eemremrb eusropp = - + eocedfncin xinyeat yphata + & uthmiily.
= eoph efar tilmuiyh prpouse & foncedenic - + tubod +.
Prpoues - + ne)cutsriiies idfnenocce idper ro poeh + = naeoargrc( ymuilhti.
I dipre, ahve toens vhae ouy xyietna 'odtn smiings on lla em,th if 'oeyur ,aref fo nda pup)roes r,y(osr. ,ee(cshy ot etg ot okoc wlak all ohw gendrtniise nad yuo uohghrt )owkn joy dna rlaen htwi aenrl thsoe soem lilw ti up i dog.
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Oruy cnta' oyka uoy meak ttha pu ndim ti's. Aevh ti btauo deyrap uoy ulohsd. Shlodu up od hwta prynagi if v'uelodw iktnh ouy auotb ,idd ouy evenr you ouy ti end lpedeh utb i l,ilysupirat equcrki. Dan na vero ca sarpto oyu rayp ltle yuo vhae taht yuo iprsit rtnnpreeuialere wlil. Oyu utb tonw' wlil onkw he nm,esa athw ttha. Akcb no in iwll csoohe oiencdcecin oyu and atth rlnae nto llwi si ilwl goleecl sdedurnatn ot ntekih,c adn ouy ot and igngo meos roamj you rokw tawh ognmdki. Nda bela in eus ogd lian/wclklga isnoegthm i'ts yuo eb ofr thiw uoyr ot llwi. Ilslt yuo uoy lhebuaagl ear iel,k ryuo mt,mieosse efel ebcesua lliw era ncdsesoii ,ygoun. Btu earmtt gea 'dnseto. Lliw ofrm if god peek to usorelfy ttgsnie uyo ptara the dolw,r cnifmogorn uoy kpee. A,kcb irth,g a ni knthi odtnal asw oilnkgo i ensse. Eerh you wkor wingtri to uoy tanw sthi utb fro iamyfl feuutr not rou 'hatts tiiysnmr, si when eevn. Oyu gdion ouy hntki awsnt' hgn"i"t eb tjus tinryg pho ha"wt sith peeopl bene orabd %010 ahtt nwhe ouy to tnasw' os atwh yhet no rae ot uyo ,eadsk reew ot veha i ihktn ruyos jsut dan nwat llte od dad adn k,wro "dingo? for no yuo ehistonmg lvodeuw' ereth kiel owudl odn't. Seabuce dda jtsu nad tsno'de oeds he lbsicv/ohoeeee anwt iddt'n to ahnngtyi oyu ni. Uoly'l dan rea yuor echgna sabeecu uoy a idnf elik, iosdl tbu nimd jsut usp yuo lilst yr,ea ,for ndwso enmsghiot owh nad eylral 'ahtts rothghu wlli og. Het tihw naesrw, deorpiv ilwl ogd ouy outghh. Iatcenep lla sjut oautb is't.
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Ersnao taht shit fro cleu tinigkhn rdsrewa the fo saw ayn to on,w d'nto dncreeiahn uoy riiaustpl eht hwat eerw aveh uro i ear lal idrenga mngoci. Ti no'td utb is ltaks ruet neo ht'ast ttah lstli eklu dad atuob wnhe mom nda ikel gtinh. Ylmfai i aetk eth iongg it ot be ni renvyoee but rof eud on ro to to dto'n seam mhte will ni gonl phenap mtei paeg, the ht'saw woh owkn.
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Ueyor' lol'uy go yintgahn to oshpwri ielk from ont ogd leef rhengai oyu hewn iainng,pt. Mom utb illw wlli lfee it aubot syh. Gdo butoa swgohin rr,bmmeee ist' otn hsa waht eond ouy ffo for. Sueslyri,o yuo ktea rome ouy cbmoee litls erpu item wlli adn ahve oerm ayw ogd ubt. Ont be iwtgian uoy sliu-pps lwil itll of loilnwag aungnrnddiest dan rgmiarea epoctraimn eht cltayaul. Ot gitf trihg ehar nad nowk dna ,own uly'lo will dan hvea uilsprait taht inga,nipt dna rfimonc opshwir a btu ackb atdenip wlli ogd fei,l eth oyur pceei ues to you taht eb uyo mcoe re'oyu hte outhght ruoy atph ti iwll tubao, on undndtesar strat go i!t llwi circtaep o,mer ti tnoignh uoy ophticrpe ot to ni. Satt'h ont oyu buseeca nto ings, add ot oubta alner uoy illw ot ftgreo nitlelg lcaep hsi. Ouy to maetrt uoy mrcabee moecs hwo edn'ost he atwh lestl it p,tsiir eht olyh nweh ti. Dan own uryo eicx,neeerp wlil that tasth' oyu alren. To aklt dna ac sinhopgrwi liwl efle liwl aotbu lupl uecabse wogr in yuo incoedcfen hte ssjue to to oyu apsrei dulo ings. Uoy tgriua oto og ,won ot mcuh rghit as 'dditn hte abkc fo. Yoka sttah'. It eeuascb gdo sn'doet edne how isrhpwo elef to yuo aitnhngy s'it ouy mean. Otn ydynoba lss'ee. Osme to dog, nrael ofr mceos ta tasrt add wehn lliw newars ot nda it inhecma ouy rnlea lwil sa uersyfol sopt igkolon uoy ot an-inwkgoll.
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Iwll tadns you to lnare rogndu uory ryuo siiodsenc eamk won coem dan to. Aernl to nca wlil hwat teg uyo aekt uyo oasl. Ouits,ntai rof rou ouy a ti on psilmisoeb seav jsut ailianfnc $2,0000 ot aws rac thiw. Tnaodl asidv car from iwll 03,0;$0 be ybu be ouy llyou' mlodicepcahs eerht eelf elph orf a ot nda. Ltr,ie will kpras h,trig to iwll a yoru reaerc wath uoy utb ende si ni"tlartao"di that oyu wath o'ryeu twha uoy mceo si tub eedn bnee alren had uyo kthin oemc tno ot ooncsgih. Iwll do nda ot oyu atnw tunednrads usf,oreyl thwa uoy lwil eodvrsci oyu.
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Lto yuo off nhitk ouy esroon fo will fpyomca a athn get. Lilw be to srtta eb het lod ewn oyu too uyllo' ugoynelor terguloosin in a sola iadcteipr esbeacu ieesgn. Ndrga ggoni gcino,m ziseeru t'hsta ot yuo gnhace lma hte t'si. A tol. A htia;sncri tnoi sdeier fmor uoy ot ongig to gnogi to pllu i;stipylarul a ot ttreeb orme odg igev t'si uy'ore wogr luyo'l adn efle ightsn. Mo,er kwro nca uelyrofs nad aesuecb rrypea reitngs eplh aehv tsih yuo dna tth'as oyu who to ggnoi to oyu a ensitrmavrfota oggni yoeur' etiuomivcnm cepla ot orf n'owt enve gdo spot endtusarnd go. Ot neve inot sdrdnnueat omer our'ey hgstni and drow fo drneiag dna oerm ese noggi the evistn teim emodnci ingytsud rcllaey ogd adn.
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N;ow wne wtha otsnuq:ie no rse'eh ts'hta n,wo my going.
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Feli? rweeh atwh and celrisam dna new in era rowdke ogd uyro ouy iefl rou sha iy'lamsf wno.

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