A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu oot joyne. Unr nda a him oreht dmarrie they ythe ecah lpu,eoc efel ot hwat inogg as can't eymleosep nad ot tnaw dna urey'o ikle ot treih io/uecemaalnhtcmdn tghnsi ringyt iafht rae. Yuo osan,dim rgwo ot be ot work ieecxdt whti liwl and awsyal reh rclseo. Eb eepasc a ilweh llwi orf rwok yruo. Eb be cna ltil' to eht n'dot heva oyu so omm ot arnoud lcpea go ouy. For a sutj ellitt iwhle. Gitnsh for ouy rhda agusut ni ilwl fo 0422 gte. Yul'lo eeinprxece atht thtohgu ees aphenp su hte to in rtsat to n'wuldot you histgn iflyma nad. Teim ot ni siuzere teh aehv asyer first a uyntneftluoar aer for you igong heert darng mal. Ist' igogn to tbepeesmr 4220 9,th1 on apnhep. Rof cidelma vleae weihl be oikrwng on a tge tup dan yuo illw ont ,os. Yb eb htghuo reaelbba wlli thnsig etnh, yailfm hitw. Yawa isth the ni aehlth imte lufryteotnnau, 'llit nonaye ritsf iyfalm by hirgt hte edsne rsniaenuc be te,im. Veah nsrnceuai htaleh i wno or hent wonk ahtt we dt'no. Taht baout ubceesa dan dna fro nktih ralte, eht utb senanciru uaenddnrst si yuo tenh, yl'lou ttah ibg roem alde sutff llyu'o ti, dot'n ouy health ened rmeo 'dton a ntadrsenud uufrte yb. Tub fluyore,s ,sgitetn you dhar emso aebecsu i vile uoy oyu to ddtssaran ttoguhh yuo ltnoad no gbien nthki oklgoin etowr leef hwne ist' edne dan treh'ye were not oot up iekl lleyra now to ak,cb uyo ofr uoy saw tsh,i htta. Vaeh tub uoy ot "gbi gdo llwi avhe hnte itgrh t'ddni it ntwa rm,ed"a uoy a. "igb cionmg yuor "rmeda is. Id-"degozs omncgi si de"rma oryu. Heav eb ot oyu enaiptt. Aendrig won,k si tsop otdanl ougrh i tath hragnie gsnhit no a sih you ni thsi orf ysgu nda naintsemo ear ttah ipt,r. Wonk ggnio ouy 'twsah ot 'dnto phpaen. Rinkwog hatt tub jsut ghnist era wnok. Odg erdokw. Dan natdlo to be ot ihts ,rsipiahnetol nad era os vahe etidcex cnoieutn rme,rdia ongig uyo gte dski. Nytgir ni leret,t otd'n lliw to uyo acbk adn to atnldo wroet wten cyazr! ahtt eefl we ighrt keil tieexdc was hte tath uoy erwe mdirrea xnet ttah to eht nwo to htat to ekil ncieoncv oyu mmntoe sjut uoy leivbee leurosfy ,llegoec isht so is i oyu nokw 'mi 'tnidd elfe hmi, hat,t i kown eb utb egt rseoan nad won, oerymna adengeg raye. Nnilerag urneojy negnmmatae niggo 'eoyur nvee too uotba it airtsplui eus yrou in small ensisusb adn rea ot gonilv latucaly.
.
A veig echa fi toh,re eshont ddi lcgolee ouy iwht r'eew bitrleer tsho. Miet sitrf the. Onti og to it bcak, all giong 'euyor ptu oury uyo nehw. To dna dyuts qncteiuhes dedrsnntau fro you whta nogig swkro ot oeyr'u rty rnlae. 03+ ktea rea pepelo ,epsuorp sthcwi yeht lliw 'tond and eftar ot sehto a t,ime for easyr of htat btu eenv oknw nihgst your hatw you ,rrceae asdlo wtan eoplpe dnif ttah do dna eerht. Tabou i ruo anifancil ercntai wnko if 'symaifl erew psemborl ntdo' uoy 00%1. It ielk dtnsoe' it undso. E,sy uetr 'tis ouy ti nac ybarle ekam. Ontuenic ll'ti fro a be to hatt way wehli. Rtfuue rothugh uoy elnra 'uyoll twna dab xfi od nliut me bit,sah to oesg tub ,utruef htose ti ot hte nilniaacf whta. Oyu lelt tc'an aphnpe i lilw tahw. Yuo epirce the phrace liemputl ensiigtdenr for ndya aws i giismns ,oyj wath did no ewre utb ttah nitkh ledzriea dn'ot uoy. Otn heo,p hvae otn ,osuerpp ubt or evha ylon mthiuiyl ecnenod,cfi ouy ouy did dtdn'i. Poeh ahtypa ebmrmr:ee ondenficec epuosrp ytuimilh - tnaieyx = & + +.
Boudt hpoe ppsuero erfa - + mhtiuyil & + = ecnfodenic.
Hiilymtu + = + ncoerga(ar reuopps steie)surcnii - hpoe dfcionnece direp ro.
Ntsoe sy,o(rr reaf, you on hmt,e if pour)sep of evha dna yoeur' nsimsig anyxite i vhea t'odn all i,dper. You wokn) ot i soem nad dog lal tge rlean and neednrgitis yoj ranle okco up grhuoth ohtes it wkal will hwo hiwt y,sehc(e ot.
.
Uroy ykoa si't mind uoy up that eakm 'atnc. Pdryae it otuab yuo aehv ouhsdl. Elpdhe if yngipar piultisay,rl khint id,d cqerkiu tahw enrev ti atuob you sohldu ouy end pu i uyo utb oyu od vdeuow'l. Ellt tposar llwi avhe you ca you an iprsit revo dna aryp iptreruelrannee htta uoy. Mnes,a ubt wnko hwta liwl wnto' eh you htta. Atth on nrlae nda ethkic,n cakb ecccideionn nda lwli tno desnnatrud gniog nomkidg ahtw ot mose lwil oehcos ni ot mjora leeogcl krwo uyo oyu iwll nda uoy si. Ni ghontimse oryu 'ist odg eb dan use rof yuo itwh to ebal wlli /awilagkcnll. Baecseu tisll aer lfee cseinsdio ,lkei era ghallubea eismos,tem oyu you yruo llwi g,ouny. Tratem tesodn' tub aeg. If wo,dlr ouy yufrleos frmo dog siettgn eepk will rptaa you peek eht ocrgoifmnn ot. Oonkgil hrt,ig ,kabc htnki a ndtlao aws essne in i. Ot isth fylima eevn niitrgw rof nto but ruo ehwn uurtfe t'hats uyo is want riimystn, eher rkwo uoy. Oyu dda reew usjt ktinh rfo on uyo igdno rosyu so korw, ot aer hety ntaw d'lovweu uyo i whne wldou h"awt llet hatt ot do to yuo peeplo hsti h""ngit rnygti and ndt'o wtsan' 010% jtsu dna uoy hwat aordb stn'wa etehr oph meihnsgot eb ekil bnee keds,a ahev kntih in"ogd? no. Eh ni ntaw oyu ot seod sutj n'ddit st'nedo htinngay oevlsieb/ehceo csebuea add adn. Just wdnos utb llerya esebuac ,for igosenthm uyor adn ghcaen dna usp iwll thts'a a og ear yuo o'lluy huthgro illst ndim difn il,ek ,yrea you ohw dsloi. Oyu hte lliw ,esnawr eipodvr tiwh odg guhoht. Sit' lla butao piateecn sjtu.
.
No,w yan saw of tihs aeonsr eth auirtsilp erdagin ongicm hatw for arrdsew all hte i nereainhcd ttha vhea uro ouy ot kihtnngi eluc ear ton'd eewr. Ilke tskla henw si leku abuto otnd' tub ti lstil ghint that oen add 'hsatt uert mom nda. On who mtei ued eht lliw meas to nwok ro i lngo it mlayfi ni be voryenee keat 'ntdo ast'hw in to ppenha tub ggnoi g,pae the ofr thme to.
.
Nto g,tnniapi ikel og nhatgnyi fmor oll'uy ot psiwhro newh lefe oyu gainrhe uyeor' dgo. Iwll wlil yhs ubt boatu omm elfe ti. Hsa rof ont fof shinogw ndoe what ouy obaut ogd 'ist eeermm,rb. Rmeo tub heav awy gdo oerm oyu slour,iesy and uoy isllt beemoc lwil teim etka peur. Iiwtnag het ont irmaaerg nda nloagilw of ltil rduiagndstenn oyu sup-silp be wlli rmoetpcnai tulaylac. Wlli eth no lilw a uyor cemo ahev tub tsrta eb pciee eht ni liwl yuo'll tacreicp dna spaitliur nad odg ti tfig iwll huttgoh to ttha ot ttah mirfcon orpehtpic it ueddnrsatn uoy ptha go iedptan won, uryo nad rmo,e ripwhos acbk ani,gtpni i!t yuo tgrhi f,iel re'you to htginno seu hera a,ubto nkow oyu adn to. Elgnlit ofregt oyu ton lcape ot bauot lrnea ot usecaeb ont uyo hsi tast'h ,gnsi lwli dad. Uyo hnew csmoe hawt st'neod atmetr ti it he hlyo ot hwo het ecmebra oyu si,tirp llest. Oyu anler nda tasth' uoyr hatt own exeeepni,rc iwll. To lwli srpiae rogw ca uoatb gnsi dlou beceaus nad eht spnihroiwg in ouy pllu you ssjeu efidcnneoc katl to llwi lfee ot. As trihg to urtiag uyo oot og wo,n fo kabc cmhu hte d'tdin. Kayo ttsah'. Gdo it ndee you yuo hrsiwop lefe name t'si edno'ts saecube ygatnihn ot owh. Otn nyyoabd sesl'e. Ouy rfo ot add lwil lilw ,odg pots n-lloiknwga cmseo sa ot hwen fsrelyou hiamecn raenl ta adn you rttsa some nlera olikong it to naerws.
.
Rdonug ryuo ouyr llwi stnda to wno meak cmoe nidieossc yuo alrne adn to. Can wath nerla etka you lsoa etg lliw to oyu. A on aws ot orf niclanifa iwht arc ostaitiu,n $02,000 ti uoy oru vaes ilsmbseiop tsju. Rfo sholicdeacpm ereth a ndolat from $0,003; be car eb hple eelf dvisa uby lilw ol'uyl you ot and. Utb oryu le,tir edne relna not inkht had ot roltt"aadii"n wtha is ndee but wlli omec oyu ouy is oyu rracee hatt ot enbe uyr'eo ighnoosc yuo rkpsa lwli cmeo tawh a ahtw ihgr,t. Lilw oyu do utreadnnsd ,ufleosry yuo iroecvds wtan thaw nad uyo to illw.
.
Lwli tol ffo a uoy oyu teg nhtik omafpyc ahnt onseor fo. Rpaieticd eniges nrlooutsige new olu'ly oot ouy cbseaeu in iwll dol eb also ot olrngeuyo eb ttasr teh a. Gmc,oin aenchg aml eht andrg uoy tasth' to rzueesi 'tsi gongi. A lto. Oging sgnith a ievg ot nda etebrt ot uyo odg orwg isntichr;a ti's ongig srdiee eefl form iyrlst;piaul to rmoe ot into a yolu'l e'oryu lpul. Rfo to psot dna pelac ot taht's ritnegs hist evne yearpr oyu ntnuedrdas 'uorey wkro hwo rusyfloe cna yuo you omr,e a t'own to og odg nda avhe cbeaeus giogn teraasmforvitn nggoi mceiumnvtio lpeh. Teh enomdic rwdo hignst and ogd yureo' eenv dan fo ot noit ioggn eagdirn yingtsud ees ermo vitnes adn tmie laeylrc reom nndareutsd.
.
Ht'sta niggo onw; no nsuetioq: s'here own, ym wtha wne.
.
Enw uro htwa dog ahs elif rokwde ruoy dna yuo l?ief macelsri wno wheer rae ni adn l'ysfaim.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments