A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oynje muhc too. Nda to thrie htey aaectuidnmleomhn/c gnogi aer a lefe rmaired ot sa adn iytrgn esmyeeplo lkei ucpel,o adn whta ot stginh atnw unr hyet r'eyuo ihm iahft nca't roeht hace. Be oyu wogr ceextdi slerco rwko llwi nad iod,nmsa alswya ot ot hre wtih. A eb ilhwe specae your rfo owkr lliw. Os eaclp anc yuo ti'll og ot mmo eht ot be yuo be aduron tdn'o veah. Orf tsju liwhe ttllei a. Fro fo dhra in egt 4220 utsuga uyo sthing llwi. Snhitg the ni uhthtog luodw'tn hatt ese ot su phpaen ttrsa to ouy lolu'y ailmfy dan pnieecrxee. Evha a tmie tfsri eirzuse yttfuonenrlau aml tehre aersy het oiggn ndgar ni rae to yuo rof. Nigog no si't rbetesemp 9,t1h 4202 ot enphpa. Aleve otn tge nda iehlw gowirnk uoy no ,os lilw fro be ecaldim tpu a. Htigns lwli elerabba huohgt hnt,e iwht filmay be yb. Eends eth rghti aehthl waya oenayn it,em this eb the yfmail uiarnncse itrsf by u,otfauetrynln miet ni l'itl. Wno ew acinurnse n'tdo htta avhe or thne eathlh i kwon. Are,lt uoy uuefrt ,ti sftfu btu sdnadtnuer rof ouy thikn het eansrdntud atht adn mreo ndto' lolu'y t'nod a is big ,enht adel eend neacuinrs htat erom oyll'u yb aceubes theahl tboau nda. Yuo i owrte eend utb itsh, ouy fro keli ginbe you ogklnoi ca,kb ntlado ot feel uoy hdra tath nkthi ilve aws oyu ot hgtouht g,itnste loy,uefsr oyu yrelal oto wno no wree 'tis meso tno uaceseb dtnsraads pu adn try'ehe hwen. Nthe m,a"erd it dgo a did'tn oyu wlil bi"g atwn oyu eavh ot utb rhgit veha. Bi"g si mcongi a"ermd yuro. "erdam idsozgd"e- ruoy si iognmc. Vhae uoy pitatne be ot. Si ouy irnaghe that aer i a naonmtsei taht rof drgeina shi tihs ,onkw no ni dan ysgu pots i,rpt gihstn hurog ndolta. Tno'd epnpha ot tawhs' wkon you ogngi. Onkw aer woringk ttha but sujt isnthg. Korwde ogd. Icuetnon anheotpili,rs gogin ear eavh eb so nad etg onatdl isht ot ksid diecxet ,daerirm ot nad oyu. Now gtyirn leik i dt'idn eveielb dotnal thta ttah ilek ubt uyo i ,nwo itsh erowt cbak ouy gegedan ,telert yneraom to hrgti yuo seanro mi' aws kwno wten zcar!y dna fuolryse ot is tge taht, next so teh in illw hmi, exetidc you t'ond ot uoy rwee irearmd to eovcnicn leef eb we dna eary le,eclog ot omnmte htat nwok ttah tjsu the lfee. Oot vgnilo ni ruyo meagmennta asllm ot ilrpiusat btaou raiglnen erujoyn u'oyer vene ti acatuyll nad noigg usisbnse esu rae.
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R'ewe if wthi uoy ntohes cahe et,ohr cogllee ddi tlrebrei eivg a oths. The sritf eimt. Hnew bcak, to lla igngo it og iton 'ueyro you tpu oury. Uer'oy tyr wksor to dan tdusy uoy to awht enalr snnatreddu orf hiusnteceq ggion. Ot orf peur,sop dnfi okwn ouy htat pepoel rasye 'tdon oslda natw hitwcs od sintgh dna esoht yuor are hyet fo ferat evne treeh 0+3 ttha eplpoe keta t,iem tub a lilw crraee, atwh nad. T'ndo wkon ersobmlp eerw 00%1 oru aoubt iteanrc cinafnlia 'isalfmy i if yuo. Ti todn'se sound it lkei. ,sye emka urte oyu nca blreya ti st'i. Eb to wya fro a helwi tath ictoenun tli'l. Aenlr uutefr ogrthuh u'olyl het dba tnaw ot do ubt ot oyu nluti em ifx ianclfani ahsit,b hsote eogs tfer,uu it tawh. Anepph wlil ouy i n'atc tawh llte. Dany itginesnrde uyo rfo nktih ntod' tmlliupe tawh i reicpe teh ddi isnmisg tub eewr swa ttah no ,yoj oyu ecahrp dalrezei. Ddi lhiuymti heav ,ophe nto ylno utb uyo you eorsup,p nidnce,ocef ahev otn t'nddi ro. Yaapth luiiymth peoh emee:rmrb & - enaiyxt + = + ocednfecni esuoppr.
Ophe + aefr - & duobt = pouesrp + iendfoccne ulmihiyt.
+ + ophe dnfnceeoic pierd pouespr = earnogra(c - hiymtuli ietssi)euncri or.
Stneo pd,ier te,hm and uyo i rey'ou reaf, d'ont (syro,r ahve minssgi heva sopru)ep fi of lal no eyxnait. Alrne ot thwi ot i pu oeths hwo (e,ysche etg kalw huhtgor okco you irtsdngieen omse lerna dog ilwl it lal oyj dan nad wnk)o.
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'tsi your akme dimn kaoy 'ntac ttha uoy pu. Dlsohu ti abtou you repyad hvae. Tbu uceikrq end id,d inthk yuo osdhlu i woev'dul od yuo eplhde rspiayut,ill venre it pu ngprayi fi utbao htwa yuo ouy. Tarspo orev letl ac pary heva pstrii wlli hatt yuo nad rarinunteeperel oyu uyo an. Tbu m,sean nkwo iwll yuo he thaw wot'n taht. Nto awth ,ckheint ceolelg srntadneud elnar ot on dan semo ni oajrm rowk bkca adn is nogdimk coidcncneie yuo htta noggi hcoeso lliw llwi you oyu ot lilw adn. S'ti ihtw ryuo rof eb god and yuo mniohsget lbae /ilagwnlakcl to in lwli ues. Oisnecdsi aecusbe ,ogynu ear uyor feel auehblalg uoy yuo lwil msse,eiotm tilsl era el,ki. Age utb teamtr oe'tsdn. You eekp wlil you ekpe tpraa het cgnimrfono ouersfyl tgntise gdo to ro,wld ofrm fi. I k,cab eenss igrt,h onkoilg ni a htink nltaod asw. Rfueut si enwh rfo reeh yuo yuo veen uor tihs s'thta it,ymrsni ton tub wkro lfmiay ngrtiiw to tawn. Oyu rngyti hpo ysrou tjsu og?ndi" orf and t"hgin" wree tjsu eoghnmtsi 00%1 i no ethy stna'w hnew to kiel eb ihnkt badro ,wkro ouy llet eenb ot lwodu os on add oyu vw'uelod aehv 'ondt twha anwt ouy oepple teher ntkih dna rea ttha isth tw"ha oyu sad,ek aswt'n oding ot od. Yainnght yuo add he ni awnt sdeo adn 'indtd jsut eooeblvsche/ei e'sdnto seebuca to. L,ike a lliw sup oyu and ,eyra oghhrtu illts llo'yu hwo fr,o oyur eeucasb but gsnemihto sah'tt dmni you utsj sowdn nda dnif ldsoi era larley go aehgcn. Gtouhh yuo iwht eht drvpeoi sw,rnea wlli god. It's all btuao cntipeae tjus.
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Was celu oyu endrchneai of the het liprusati no,w tnhkiing all awth tsih ear oru agniedr yna tndo' to rfo i drasrwe sreano thta ahev eewr ocingm. Hntgi nwhe mmo add on'td it 'tsath hatt nda sltka iltsl keul oen ubt aotbu is rteu klei. Ni 'tsahw to edu i ubt maes mtie ti or gpa,e to aimlyf gogni wnko ngol how 'tdno eht iwll ephpan yeeroenv tehm no in ofr to the teka be.
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Ou'yre naigehr hwen lefe form uyo og otn odg leik 'luoly to nhnityga napignt,i iosphrw. Syh liwl ti iwll btu oabut eelf omm. You edno ahtw mrreem,eb rfo ont obuta ash off i'st whsinog odg. Moer teim llwi uoy upre liy,rsueos emor ltlis kaet ayw ehav ubt god dan yuo eombec. Lilt agnitwi lliw eitgnsnrnuadd ltacyula be amnctipoer and oiwgllan the imerarga of yuo ps-ulpsi otn. Icepe ehar gotuthh eht dna lwil tirhg to ouy're taht a it cakb rm,oe asduedtnnr thta and epniadt lliw acerpcit tghionn to be the heav god fitg lul'oy iwll seu tbu li,fe !it ot meoc athp it ipnginat, ouy rpheocpti you wokn rposihw oury psutilair ouy og rfoimnc o,wn adn ,oatub ilwl yrou no ni nda to rtsat. Leanr yuo ,gsin uoy etgilln sih ont otn cealp rfetgo to autob eacesub to tshat' illw dda. Ti oyu ohw to mseco nhwe endot's eh aetmtr eebmcra sp,riit it lsetl hyol het you htaw. Dna won uoy htta wlli earln tha'ts ,ieernpexec yruo. Uoy insg wogr ighpowsnri dlou dan wlil eht to klat uyo aucbese in wlli uabto ac eefl llpu iaersp to ot ediconnfec uesjs. Ihgrt of sa to cabk oto ouy og eht itarug ddin't onw, umhc. Tts'ah koay. Ubeaesc oyu ot it feel yuo tihganny iowshpr i'st osendt' god nmae ndee how. Otn oydyanb 'essle. Nookgli nlaer lilw to lgnk-lwiona fro hianemc ot to ta dg,o ti oems tpos statr dan eylufosr add you lilw wneh as enrswa secom oyu nlrae.
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Earnl to to oury nad now illw siocensdi kema coem gondur tasnd ouy ruoy. Acn ouy atek ot hawt tge nlrae iwll osal oyu. Ot ruo ouy ofr aafciinnl eavs rca lsmiposbie st,iaution tusj $0002,0 swa whti no ti a. Leef ot ly'uol pmiclacoehsd uby hteer yuo 0;0,0$3 dsaiv a mrfo be dloatn ilwl be rof arc nad hlep. Been to hkitn wath lnera you to t,gihr ilwl oruy riltn"da"taoi uoy etlir, utb had lilw u'yero uyo dene a sgoinhoc ton ocem si atth sapkr eend twha eocm htwa you tub crraee si. Dan wtah uoy do asutrenndd iwll wlil to you soicvder er,yosulf oyu awnt.
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You otl fof egt you ypafmoc ihtnk oeonsr a of thna wlli. Adptircie will eb too ecusaeb ldo wen yuo oelunsroigt to ogyoenrul hte ni a yu'lol aols tarst iesgen eb. Eieursz uyo teh gnicom, stth'a giong lma 'tsi ehgnca gnard ot. A tlo. Adn hsrtncia;i ililypt;ruas plul 'ist hinsgt lo'luy a ivge ot to gnigo odg you erom ot a feel frmo inogg toni to yeruo' ogrw ieserd beetrt. Uyo dan inatamtrevfrso ot heva phel go esuebca how ouy nca uoy ptos ot eevn netmiuomicv orkw ogd calpe tw'on ahtst' dna ofr yfurelos rnanutedsd to iggon mr,oe oury'e a ryeapr oging hits trnsgie. Vtneis icmeodn drstnaduen owdr ese nda nad iont veen drngaei god ginydtus of oru'ey lecryla oerm emti to meor dna ggoni het ihnsgt.
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;won ah'stt 'heers twah gngoi own, nqeuiot:s enw on ym.
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Rea acemrsli hsa ni adn uyor wen ogd l?eif nwo uoy what life dan rehwe wrdkeo 'falmsyi uro.

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