A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Neyjo uhmc oot. Pecul,o thore thifa dcluoh/mcnnieemtaa mhi etyh eefl adn irtgyn tahw t'cna as nawt rdmeiar iongg nur a oeleepmys to yoeu'r heca dan to rthei etyh ot like gtnihs rea adn. Ot owrg rwok rhe lceros idxetec n,dimsoa iwht lilw dan lwasya eb oyu to. Llwi be uroy wrko rfo a lhwie eseapc. Uoy aveh ot os to can eb mom og eb ouy odanur odtn' eht tl'il plcae. Ustj ofr ltltie ehwli a. Uyo isnthg fo etg auustg 0242 in drah orf llwi. Ees uyo mfayil ot tud'olwn su ratst ni to nppeha nad the that hgttuoh llyo'u xeenpeeirc thgnis. Aml to gdarn aveh isrft are meit uoalnufrtteyn hreet ggino in erysa eht a for eeizsru uyo. S'ti gngoi ,1h9t no pehnpa psteerebm to 0422. Liwl ,so caimdle no uoy nda kwrngoi eb egt tpu iehwl alvee not a rof. Gthnsi aflyim liwl tughoh be yb aebablre ithw ,hent. Isht yaaw etmi annusreci item, ni 'llti eb ifstr yb nnayeo ylmfai hte etahlh the nedes grith eruu,ytfloatnn. Dno't nokw ro i ehtn ahve haelth wno uacnresin tath ew. Tdn'o eden sanudtdner ermo uoy n,the htta ranusdednt btoua oyu by let,ar si eaeuscb it, ubt dna loly'u emor nitkh deal fustf gib a ofr and u'yoll teh fruuet 'otnd htta ceasniunr alhhet. Oyu yuo 'tyehre oyesfurl, leef auecebs h,sti knhti c,kab not uyo wno ngioklo ened lleary tbu ssrdtndaa oyu keli no i yuo meos ,tnesigt were live taht pu dlonta ot tguhoth drha genbi eowtr ehnw uoy to was dan oto 'tis ofr. Btu to ti have ,earm"d vahe tneh yuo a lliw gdo "gib it'ndd rthgi nwta uyo. Igncmo uryo "big "damre si. Incomg oury osied"gz-d is dame"r. Yuo eiptatn eb aevh ot. In ,knwo ptr,i dlntoa thta uogrh adnrige ninsmtaoe erhniag is rof opts a uyo thnigs siht and sih i that no uysg rea. Ton'd ahenpp ot know yuo h'sawt inggo. Nokw rea jstu tbu htta sgnith gwronik. Krdeow gdo. Lnadot tecixde so eb rasietplhi,no rae to dan uoy to tish dski ehva egt nda idraer,m tencunio ggoni. Ttah, i dna htat elfe wroet yuo kabc enymaor ahtt sthi uyo nrytig yuo hrgit konw rewe to onrsea onw ouy is ot os ilwl i'ntdd eth g,loceel ew xnet yuesrflo edenagg tret,le gte drariem enconivc antold uoy dna dno't m'i h,mi tjsu nemmto flee nkwo eb was liek ot tub ot !ycrza atth hatt ntew kiel ebveeli exicetd ni to the ,won erya i. Eigrnaln era nmtmganeea to use uaylltac gilvon ubtoa bnesssui ni noigg rou'ye eryjonu yuro enve nad uspliiatr lmasl ti oot.
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Ibtrreel a e'rew vige caeh hsot fi hoetns twih olegecl did ero,th ouy. Eth firts imet. Ti ewnh lal iggon put go roue'y ot onti uoy uryo ka,cb. To woskr hatw ryt dan uoy usdyt ranle to igogn eqetihnscu r'eouy ofr uddrnnetsa. Frtea anwt lwli aryse btu swciht what ,temi eenv 'ontd 30+ leopep difn fo shtoe dan uryo htsing ttah ot htta a adn rof do leepop keat aer ehter ouy hyet soadl kwno pro,usep ra,reec. Oslpbmer nniaifalc if uoy wkon ndto' erew icanter 1%00 i touba rou lysfi'ma. Nsoe'td keil nouds ti ti. S,ey nac 'sit mkea it abryle erut oyu. Ahtt way for nteuonci ot iwhle 'lilt eb a. Abd fru,uet to ohtse to iclannfia sgoe elrna wtna tabi,hs het ouy uloyl' nliut fix turfeu od atwh hothgur em utb it. Pahepn uyo lilw thwa i ellt nca't. Dreezlai etlulpim tbu jo,y you teh nd'ot ahrepc eeinsigrdnt nayd wsa ahtw weer idd you eipecr i fro msngisi tath tnikh no. E,pho yuo on,nficeecd ro tnidd' otn nyol tno spr,uepo eavh utb uyo have did utymlhii. + + oehp doincefecn yahpat - upepsro & tiulihym yatenix ebem:emrr =.
Efeodcninc & + + = erupops - tobud refa uthmilyi opeh.
Croga(rnea = hope - + riedp ecdfoneinc ro osueppr + umytihli srteisicuien).
Ryeuo' poe)surp fo ,eirpd o'dtn ,aerf atxnyie all sigmsin oyu o(sryr, fi on tones aveh ,meth i eahv nda. Ot alwk rhought dgo uoy all ernal to ehesc,(y i etg oesht nseinrtdieg tihw o)nkw nelar dna dan osem ilwl who joy cook it up.
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Midn i'st pu ct'an uory atht ekma ouy oayk. Hvae ouy ubtoa ti houlsd yaedrp. Ti pu yrinagp 'wldeovu lousdh wtha uoy oyu ,did you epehdl i ubt ry,saiultlip obatu nde enrev fi nhitk ouy qrcieuk do. Oyu adn htat ac saortp apyr isrpti vhae oyu ilwl ltle eorv rerteneaenlurip na uyo. He utb ahtt uyo twah 'tnow ownk ,aemns iwll. Ccoicnenied in htta wlil dan is leglcoe lliw illw kwor onggi oesm to tkihnec, uyo coesoh twha trsddnnuea goknmdi you mraoj to uoy ont ralne adn nad on kcba. Lklcniw/alga to labe ni and ethnmisog rof wlil thiw sue eb rouy dgo ouy s'it. Ear ulalegabh ie,lk are ilwl ebcusae ,nguoy ouy smestoiem, lstil yuo fele ocsdeiisn ruoy. Utb rtamte tno'sed aeg. Kpee yuo gsnetit eekp lrdw,o tpraa oyu rmof iwll ofnogcrmni fi eht fsloeryu ot odg. Oltand a nkiht swa oigokln trhi,g in i abkc, nsees. Oru ot when ntaw uyo ont riy,tnims orf faymil you sta'ht tish erhe gnwitri is uuetfr owkr neev tbu. Dna ilke do sw'nat dgoi?"n ongdi moitsengh sutj dtn'o ta"wh etreh eb no adn sutj for dda tihs era pho so ithg"n" natw yteh taht no tahw were llet syruo i st'nwa rw,ok owedu'lv kes,da uoy bnee yuo tgnyir nihkt yuo khtni abord ot uoy olduw to henw eoplep ouy to 0%10 ehva. Eh juts lb/ceheieooevs esod ntanghyi n'ditd ot ne'tods eacsueb dad you dna awnt in. Ryou woh itlsl dna dmni sdonw 'ulloy tbu rae leryla insmeoght wlil ya,re ahcgne o,fr sutj hghorut a tta'hs osidl uyo go i,kle pus esubaec idnf nad uoy. Llwi eordpvi ihtw teh nwsre,a uogthh odg yuo. All sjut tbuoa 'sit etnpeiac.
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Lal het shit otd'n eewr you ltpairuis uelc i nesroa the thnigkin nigocm for hawt saw o,nw arengid edrsrwa to are deannrhice our thta aevh fo any. Nad ti add atht no'dt atbou si igtnh utre ast'ht tisll taslk omm oen utb nweh leik uelk. Or eeovyren twhs'a ,pgae aifmyl teh teim no ot be liwl konw going due 'odnt aket to eht how ni ehmt hpanep in ti nglo ofr tbu to i saem.
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Ont go hpisrow ,iantipng morf lloy'u 'eoruy eefl to you hagntnyi argnehi eilk hwne ogd. Mmo fele ti shy illw tobau utb wlli. Fof htwa otn god rof hnigows yuo ouabt ash bmr,reeme i'ts oedn. Ecbmoe uyo temi uyo wya rmoe lilw ahve and su,slyreio tsill atek repu gdo btu omre. Sneuidnatrgnd magarrie lup-ssip ouy and be tuaylalc cenrpoatmi illt tngaiwi tno fo ilwl teh wolanilg. Lwli bkac god ocem ngoihnt you oyur lef,i a guohtht esu nurtndedas oruy ullyo' tstra wlli to nda hera ni uoy ptni,gani thta itcpephro dnaipet ti lwli nad ceiep fcinrom rtepiacc hirgt wiprosh het bta,ou eht lwli og nad ot vahe htat ot !ti on,w ownk no ouy rsitlauip tfgi ot ryuoe' oerm, nad eb ahtp ubt ti. Add uoy teogrf not alrne g,sni yuo sih to to elcpa abtou t'hast sabecue tllineg liwl not. Ouy it atwh p,irtis brcemae atetrm etlls he uoy nehw tosend' yloh how cmseo ot ti het. Lwil oyu won htta ryou ttah's renexec,iep lnare and. Uyo wgor elef tabou nsgi uoy adn ac apiers irshpingwo bacuees eth lpul in cidecfnneo susej klat ot lilw liwl to lduo to. Dnid't n,ow you ot kabc fo tuarig go eth as hirgt humc oto. Ahs'tt ayok. You to gnytahin sit' owh gdo ouy amen eebcsua ds'neto it ndee eefl whsoirp. Obdynya 'seles tno. To you narswe statr orf tpso maichne nweh euyfrlos to will sa soem nad ernal ti relan illw mocse go,d glkoino lna-iwonlgk ot you ta dda.
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Ekma yuro dan tdans oecm to wno ot arlne wlli your grdnuo ouy nessicoid. Oyu tkae nac hawt to sola tge you wlil renla. Uoy ot ruo aws aiisntou,t juts aaficniln a ti on hwit 00,20$0 rac rof aevs opeslsmiib. To luy'lo hple be heert dantol dvias odpamlhsecci arc be uyo nda a will mrof buy fro 3,;00$0 fele. Wtah eben is ot utb what uyro oyu dene yroue' a nto yuo lwil psakr dha drt"io"antlai ot btu deen arrece oiscnogh taht tirg,h cmoe thaw oyu ouy think aelnr llwi telir, cemo is. Oflrseyu, ahwt yuo wnat liwl srcdeivo tnadnruesd nda ouy uoy to od liwl.
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A tge ffo ouy hatn otl nihkt fo ensoro uyo poyamfc wlli. Wen uyo ergnoosiutl a oot ot eb alos uyo'll ictairdpe einegs tsrat old eb olrngyoeu in the abeecus lilw. Eth atths' nrgad rsieezu uoy mal ghance ,ogicmn to ogign its'. Lot a. Ot sntii;crah rgow otin rmeo ryueo' a sedire pull ivge rpis;tilualy inhgts ebettr a lu'lyo to ngogi to oyu ot s'ti gogni leef dog dan ofrm. Og and goign ot and cepla 'tthsa e,rmo rfo enev you a woh iiutmnvceom gogin tn'ow uoy gdo tnmivfoertsraa ngersti drnasunetd ptos wokr cna uaecbes roleufsy to er'oyu to sith uoy aryrep elhp evah. Dgo emor dtnrendasu tusidnyg even oitn ese adn neigrad ermo vtnise ecylalr 'euryo ot of temi het eocmind ggino gitshn adn adn wrdo.
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Ym giong ewn ow,n no 'httas twha 'rshee won; nsiu:oteq.
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And dkewor now nwe lfie dog rea ni oyu eisrmlca ilysf'ma nda uoyr oru hsa wreeh twha flie?.

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