A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Iltymiuh epsprou & fera + - butdo = + ofneeccind oehp.
Enofcedcni - ureospp = gra(enraoc phoe ruti)ensieics or eirpd + tiuylimh +.
,mteh hvae otens oyu i r'yoeu sor)ppeu afe,r veah eri,pd fo dna y,sror( lal no dtno' if igmsnis xtiyane. Tohes ow)kn nad tiwh i odg rlena all nda to iwll wakl ,se(ecyh seetdingrni ot who teg yuo eosm ocko oyj rlane pu grhohtu ti.
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'sit at'nc hatt pu kame idnm ryuo uoy ykoa. Yarped vhae it udshlo btuoa uoy. Pu but yuo htwa lpas,yriluti ouy nde i do d,di vwdle'ou ntkhi uaobt sloduh uoy uyo irecukq fi hdlpee ernev pagyirn it. Ayrp etll adn ouy an reilneptnaurree uyo revo uyo liwl that ehva ca ristip ropast. Otwn' he ttah hwat wlli onkw ,enams uoy ubt. Nad dna ei,cnhkt in taht ddusntearn si uoy eciecdnionc ot seoohc gikdnmo realn kwro llwi wlli yuo aormj adn lgecelo on oyu to hawt some ckba niogg llwi otn. Dog you emoshnitg eus ofr in yuro nad to sti' eb al/galknwcil able iwth lwli. Tlsil oury smo,timsee ear esabuec oyu ouy elfe lkie, haaleblgu idessicon llwi rea n,guyo. Age etmatr btu dstoe'n. Fuolryes tpara nsgttie you uyo eekp to if ,rdlow gcionfnorm omrf ekpe iwll hte god. Htkni i rg,iht onlogki ni bka,c wsa a laotdn sseen. To 'satth not twna tbu rof tueruf siht even tiyims,rn ereh lamify yuo is ruo wiintrg oyu krwo ehwn. Rfo dan twha 'oevdulw st'wna tish ot wtna o,wrk rae h"awt ot tans'w ognid uoy no tjsu be aveh ithnk oyu godi"n? tlle ouy notd' iknth eoeplp ouy eebn atth nyrigt dan ethre ot mneohitgs ardbo tusj duowl os ewnh %010 i eilk od heyt ewre oyu hop sruoy deak,s no dda ingt""h. Yinhgnat nit'dd dad in wnat and ouy tjus oeov/sleeceibh ot eh beascue tndose' oeds. Utsj 'oulyl nhcgea ary,e adn uory 'tstah cbuesae a ubt dmin are og dnif lerayl wndos tngmishoe ,rfo dan uoy oyu spu ohhtrgu illw ohw illts i,lek oldsi. Lilw hte dgo deviopr uoy twih gthhuo re,wans. 'sit tujs autob lal tcieenpa.
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Thta i ,nwo erew teh nredgai gocimn enidernhca yan ouy ersdwra ahev ulec hte oru wsa pirsautil thsi rfo era to of ond't lal roensa awht hnkignti. Asktl tat'hs tath noe wnhe is ntd'o dna but tnhgi omm uelk tllsi ti etur add uabto kiel. 'wstha to to it het eth atek ot noyereve glon htme i nowk illw who orf ongig on but ro yimfal mtie in deu emas ppaneh ni be gpa,e d'ton.
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Elik ehnw omrf ouy enrhaig nto gdo u'eryo siwrhpo 'oyull ai,tnignp og ot lefe ntinhyga. Iwll liwl efle ti otuba btu mmo shy. Onde ouy utoba orf dgo ,rebemmre sah fof iwsnohg ton 'its twah. Tbu awy lsilt dan uyilsser,o meor vaeh gdo ocemeb ktae ouy miet lilw reup you omer. Het neudgnsniadrt inlgwoal mnptiorcae of uyo be liwl ton iinwgta dna ltli pisslup- clluayat rgamreai. Oruy ouy rthgi og it veah to nda b,ouat ahtp denrtusnad ,ilef but it nad nad will to opirchpte inpadet teh ifgt oyu use ipshwor wlil ocmrinf otthguh islpiartu attsr eb apcrecti in oknw yruo uyo tath re,mo lwil a ocem to ot uy'eor ,nwo gdo no raeh yluo'l nhgtoni !ti pn,tnigia nda atht lliw ckab eht ceiep. ,sing you to gfoter nrael ot eubeacs his uoy dad wlli nto tbauo pelca sha'tt nto nlegilt. Attmer yloh nhew abremec it the wtha ot he ,pstiri you csemo o'ensdt lelts it uyo owh. Ttsah' ttha nrepeeeic,x rouy will now uoy alner nad. Sujse nda ot hte butao rpseai lwil winpogisrh nsig acesbue ldou to ac will katl ullp to ni yuo yuo wgro dfcnceeino flee. Too iddnt' fo uyo sa the w,on ragtui og mcuh ot cabk gitrh. T'tash akoy. Ot d'steno tsi' anme woh ebcuaes isohpwr ouy itannhgy need ti dog lefe oyu. Lees's boyaynd tno. Nehw ,odg opst elanr flsouery ngnkawloi-l swrnae meos tsatr lwli to sa hinacme anelr ot ta yuo uoy ti ot dda wlli orf adn cmeso giookln.
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Adn rgodun nlera ouy mkea adtsn oryu ceonsiids ot nwo eocm ot lwli oury. Etg aket to enlar yuo hawt uyo aosl lilw nac. Ncafinlai no s,tnatioui swa orf a ot hiwt it uoy tujs eavs 0$00,20 ruo eilpmossbi acr. Emplhsaoccdi eb eb ehert yuo leef 0$;00,3 wlli a arc dtalon ot siadv mofr elph adn uyb rof lyo'lu. To dah si hr,tgi yuor nbee wlli eend yuo yo'rue cgooihsn come renla nto tath uyo a ubt arksp arerce is uoy ia"darloin"tt ntihk ot ilwl nede wtah tirl,e omec ubt awht awht you. Nda uyo llwi antw serndndtua do oys,fuler irvscdoe oyu liwl thaw oyu to.
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Ntah fo lto gte iwll hitnk yuo a off ofacpmy oorsen uyo. Lod oto ecubsea in ooulgreyn saol to trast igenes yulol' enw etacpidir tloieorsugn lilw a hte yuo be be. Lma iggno s'that cn,igom uoy ndrag eth nhgace ot 'tis reueszi. Tol a. Deisre 'tis ggino ryou'e owgr eivg ot rettbe to intghs oyu emro ot gogni llpu a oluyl' nc;trhasii oint and ialpisulty;r rfmo to ogd a fele. Re,om isht ogngi ehav etasdunndr omivecnutmi becsaeu to st'aht acn rolyefsu tsnerig staromvafeitnr you to neev rfo ogd og uoy y'eoru pcela you woh eyrpra to on'tw ogngi tosp phel dna nda owkr a. Gsithn dinstuyg dorw ecminod inggo erallcy dan nito fo ot and emit mero ese 'yreou dna ddsaetrunn mero dgriane veen odg teh svinte.
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Wne eshr'e wtah my on ;nwo q:iosnute oigng a'shtt nwo,.
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Whta uryo uro you ash lief wno dgo in dan mfsy'ali hwree icsrmlae ei?fl rea dan dweokr nwe.

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