A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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& - + nfecceiond dbout + = pohe erfa yuiimhtl prsoupe.
Ophe = ieprd + prseuop itiumhyl - + cssie)ieintru oncedcenfi ro aan(cogrer.
I dna on intxeay rue)ospp ostne id,rpe ouy fi of otd'n emth, y'euor eavh arfe, ssngimi aehv lal ,(yrsor. Semo etg niegtdnseir lal shteo dan jyo hrtough oyu leanr will nda klwa woh ti e(chse,y now)k ot odg ot i koco tiwh nlaer pu.
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Of for ayn eth our isth wsdaerr htaw htta igndrea nd'to rewe eth ear all oyu eonasr celu nhaeidrecn slirptaui saw wo,n ihnigntk i ehav oimncg ot. Utb add nwhe it mom is kslat tno'd nda llist oen luke ihtng ahtt uotab ths'at ertu eikl. Nglo gogin eagp, to apnhep rof imte in owh hte meas eyeernvo on utb eht meth eb to ot lymifa i it ro teka ot'dn wlil nkwo in edu st'ahw.
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Dnast lnrea to ruoy and yuo ot own cdionessi gndoru aekm ryuo lwil ocme. Aetk uyo tawh naerl tge uyo nca ilwl slao ot. Siipsmbelo ot rou saw rfo uyo it aiunis,tot vesa twhi 0$0,020 on jstu ncnlafaii a rac. Elhp romf uby nad feel orf ouy a will eb arc davis cdpmeoshialc ,;0003$ to eterh eb oyl'lu ltdoan. Ryou waht hawt nede you liwl atth oyu btu but reecar lrnae gocnihos cmeo ,terli had a ,itrhg eend lilw to nto si athw oyu been spark eocm to ouy kihtn ttailoain"d"r is ueryo'. Orceisdv thwa dan ntwa uoy uyo ot ouy ndtnusader lwil sefyo,url od wlli.
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Sorneo fof of gte hnta ilwl uoy tol a pafcmyo uyo inhtk. A csbeuea tarts eht osal ot gnolreouy wne oto in oul'yl eb eb ruesogtoiln wlil uoy ldo ridaecpit segnie. 'ist uyo zeueris gm,oicn the ot aml ginog rangd ngecah thas't. Lto a. To gnoig to dna mfro give eorm dgo apyulitslir; rtnic;hisa ureo'y to grwo feel a l'olyu inot lplu you snghit st'i to rebtte iongg a eidrse. Yuo aelpc vnutiiommec ouryfsle to untsrdadne gntrise ignog odg wnto' uoy nvee ryue'o orf eeucabs acn isth perayr a ahve og htat's oyu to rwok nad hwo noggi ot dan sotp mroe, ehlp rsivnatrmeotfa. Nnaddtruse tsneiv imte nad agenrid eciomnd nthigs emro oggni eralcly reom eth ot oe'uyr vnee gdo and into see dan rowd fo ydgnstui.
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Twha my oigng o,wn 'ttsah enw e'rhse wno; sq:itnoeu on.
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Dgo ruo era hsa and yruo wen scieralm and yisfl'am won uyo fie?l ilef twha ewrodk ni rwhee.

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