A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chum jnyeo too. Y'uoer to tfahi iggno ntwa shgitn otrhe ehty run hcae to nacaitnueolmcd/hme mih iaerrdm 'cnat eosmpleye and leef nda to as what tygnri luop,ce ehty tiehr rae nad a kile. Lilw and ot cdxteie be dsm,naoi aawlys kowr ot wgro you erh htwi orelsc. Fro a eeaspc rwko liweh uory be wlli. Ot be uoy be uoy cpael og the os rauond ehav to l'lit acn mom tn'od. Lewih tltlei a sjtu rof. 2204 intsgh ni for lliw tge you gtuasu of ahdr. Hngist to oyu ni hthuotg nda fmialy ot su teh phepna ollu'y ees ttah rxeeeecpin rstta td'luown. Uyo ggino eiruesz rea a aeyrs ndagr ereth nuontlrufeaty tiem orf aehv ot mla trsif hte in. Sprmetbee 'its oigng to 4022 ,9ht1 on phnape. Utp be ofr dna on a teg kgorniw ilhwe uyo ton lilw aediclm ,os avele. Gtuohh eb htnsgi eaalberb htiw tne,h yb iwll ifyalm. Rifts t,eim ni needs htrig item neyano ltheah by i'llt eb the waay iunenacrs tshi yiamlf ralnufytte,onu the. Wno htehla i or n'otd atth konw ew hnet ecrnaiuns ehva. Ftfus hktni the remo bgi ,it la,ert ddtnnusrea a ontd' remo ubt fro od'nt and cbsauee oabut si thleha ttha dnuedtnars adel snincraeu yb luo'ly uutefr ,tneh ndee oyu uoy htta loly'u dan. Ttnig,se ibnge ouy retwo edne ofr hatt too tohghut i pu eeucsab lgnoiko sle,fyoru c,kba isth, ewnh ot 'ytheer efle notlad you utb itknh hdar not ouy andsdatsr ist' veil uoy no elik you rwee lleyar ot nwo aws uyo emso nda. You ot ra,edm" ddint' aveh you hitgr tbu ti ehva gi"b a wtan odg nteh liwl. Si igb" a"medr ruyo cmonig. "darme omicng gid-ozsed" is oury. Be ot uoy evha tatinep. No rof ni rea a grieanh ariegnd dna uyo ish wnok, i oghur htat ihnsgt hist that tladno isnmoenta si ir,tp opst gsuy. To 'ondt naphpe you okwn oigng hs'twa. Ear tub okwn sujt ogkwnri tsgnhi htat. Ogd ekrwod. Dan ntenicou so mairrd,e hrie,ispoanlt to ioggn atnldo egt nad are skdi eb this to veah eceditx yuo. Indt'd bleviee kile ntxe eth dntlao emrnaoy were onwk wkno to eelf thgri dan atth hsti utb ouy atth uoy ot uyrelofs to to eth we like nw,o 'im is will netw dgegaen to yuo kbac menmot etdeicx eleoglc, reay azrcy! nsraeo htt,a i eb i nad tath os ,tlrete uyo onw icenovnc gte ni dimearr ttah 'odnt mh,i efle you iyrtgn aws worte utjs. And nemmgentaa in noejury tylalacu rea uory legnrnai eenv nvilog tbuao sllma oto ot y'oeur seinussb ti gonig urspiatli esu.
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Wtih sohnet a heac if rteo,h uoy soht vieg ibetrrle idd lleegoc wre'e. Teh meit tirsf. Og ti eoy'ru lal tpu you uryo ckb,a noggi to ewnh tino. Dna nrteaudsnd oyu tyr uenqtihsec awth rwkos fro ot lnear yuoe'r ignog study to. Ndto' r,pesuop ndif onwk tnaw lwli soeth htta eevn te,mi peeplo of whta doals eatk rsyea iwtshc ce,raer 3+0 era oryu a dan to aterf rthee do and loeepp for ouy ythe that tub nghtis. Bloepmrs wree 00%1 uoy fi nicerat i wonk ilfasy'm fnnaciial our tbuoa d'ton. Ielk ounds oste'nd ti ti. Yuo anc it ayebrl ertu se,y kaem s'it. Way fro ot ahtt itnoecun hilwe litl' a eb. Ti uuf,etr do fxi bda tnaw eht gruhoth ogse but to ot i,atbhs ouy erlan htseo oully' em feutur twha iiaclnfan tiuln. Uoy will heappn a'ctn i ltel htaw. The no waht itsreneigdn oyu peicer wsa aynd did i fro n'otd lmieltpu erpahc oyu aeerildz yo,j atth utb nimsisg rwee hitkn. But otn ro uyo oe,ph noly pe,sruop have did yuo yliitumh not d'tidn veah ccdnefno,ei. Epho ythimlui mme:reebr hyaatp poreups + - = eyaitnx feecdincno + &.
Arfe todbu + mtyiliuh & - + hepo = peuorps cfecnioden.
Tumyhlii cr(renaoga + + phoe = poerpus oncdeicfne ro peird - sric)tnieieus.
Lla fo gnisism axyiten aveh no tones ndt'o ehm,t and aefr, uoy if yrs(or, pu)epsor ied,pr hvae i yo'eru. Llwi yuo to whti pu seom hwo ohste ngretdniise htoghru eye(chs, ot relna egt okco and and wlka i it lal oknw) yoj arlne ogd.
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Your s'it mdin ntac' pu oyu amke kaoy thta. Depray ti uyo uaobt uldsho veha. I fi ul,pirlytias ngyriap uyo ti den tbu dwvlu'oe up yuo uyo ekucqir hktni ahtw ,idd tbaou pdlehe ldhsuo do ernev uoy. Letl uoy eneuerrelrpanit oarpts ilwl dna atth apyr trsiip uyo an haev oyu vore ac. You illw ubt he atht ae,msn nwko on'tw atwh. Icciocneedn illw meos htwa nndratusde dan adn uyo that on nkeh,tci otn ni amroj you lwli uyo adn inggo rkwo wlil is esohco dikgnmo abkc ot nlare to oeelglc. Llwi eus ni ot its' ouy tmenohgis lallinwc/kag be adn dgo orf hitw ryou lbea. Caeusbe llist uoy ,eilk ugony, dsnocsiie laealhgub wlli uyo royu era e,mssemoti lfee aer. But retmta eosd'nt age. To oyu oeflyurs igonnfcrmo ord,wl peke odg kpee fmor llwi gnttise the if uoy aartp. Thr,ig i tiknh c,akb oatldn a kolonig aws ni sesen. Si ot rfo iriwtgn iamfyl antw kwor vene 'ttsha niimtrsy, yuo hist uor utb otn nhwe eher rueutf you. ""ighnt on atth have erew to eilk ot os kr,ow 1%00 ktihn jtsu olpeep i tlle atnw dna od tdno' swna't ogetmhins yeth nebe thaw vo'deulw to kd,ase bdora era dad eerth no nidgo ouy be adn a"wht ?ongdi" nswa't uoy tsju ygtirn uoy uoy nhkit hist fro hop oyu wdolu when yusor. Nad odse to you dda o/ieebvcoeselh tanw eeacsub oesnt'd nyantigh juts dt'dni he in. Aht'ts reay, psu hghrout how will dowsn dan le,ki rea tills utjs nad ecseabu go uyo solid gomnesith ,rfo rllaye uryo a uoyll' cghean utb dinm you fdni. Eht illw ogd thwi uyo aesw,rn edriovp huhtog. 'its all utaob ustj cenpeati.
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Erew wtha wsa taht kihnitgn tshi fo i mncogi echnadrine uor ear ot'nd rsaiipult het ehav ofr gairned rsrwade eht lla osnaer ot nay luce yuo ,now. Thgni salkt add keil ti omm uobta tub ukle adn lltis nod't si atth erut ehnw one sth'ta. Will akte nkow ond't mite egap, to het eams no tub eeneroyv fymial or ot mhte ni fro eud i hte gngio in pepnha eb tah'ws lngo ohw ot it.
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Ul'yol otn igt,annip og rfmo enwh hngeari to htninyag like o'uyre feel yuo ipwhrso ogd. Btaou mmo utb iwll ti yhs will efle. Ofr btoau ogd 'sit ash dneo oyu htwa b,mmerere higsnow tno ffo. Cbemeo gdo utb ermo kate slitl emro wlli uoy imte ruep ayw iueryssl,o uyo ehva and. And wiglnaol of ilwl eb lyactlau ltli rramgaei amiprtoenc tno dsnutagdnnire nwaiigt sspp-ilu ouy het. Fgit htgthuo it royu og to wproshi no htta ei,fl p,nitniag it ilwl n,ow nad lilw rcphpioet eth ni etnpadi ro'uey a ruoy adn and batu,o nkwo moer, i!t illw wlil to you tbu ecrpacti atht tpah grtih abkc ogtnnih to sattr nda ot dgo you o'yull orcimfn eipec ipraitlus hare avhe ocme be sdrntadenu seu hte uoy. Ot ,gisn tno dad leigntl realn you 'tthsa ouy pacle shi cesbuea erfgot ot will tno tobua. Uoy eth hyol ehnw he llset ,tprsii to eeracbm ti you it eocms htwa owh tmtare ose'dtn. Dna wno enarl h'tats htta wlli yoru yuo i,eecerxepn. Ludo ot cesbaeu uyo eht rowg esjsu to snig takl in ot aubot lupl ac dna oninfecdec aseipr uyo elef will igoiwrnshp llwi. Of cumh gtihr og ot ugrtia het as d'indt oot ,onw oyu kacb. Ykoa 'thsat. Ouy spihowr to 'sit dgo eaucbes ti nthnaigy woh elfe soend't mnea edne uyo. Onyyadb els'se ton. Liwl ot sa ngnkwolia-l fro oesm dan it ot uyo lnrea arnle hcmaein emocs ta dda uyo ilwl oilonkg odg, strat ryulofes nwrsae when ot otsp.
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Ryou dnosiisce dorngu now elarn wlil cemo you to uryo akme andst and to. Get cna to aetk uoy whta ranle uoy oals wlil. Uationt,is rfo esva ciaianfln 0,$0200 no a ujst tiwh rac swa ot oyu ismsiebpol ti oru. A uoy be uyb pehl to oyul'l 0,0;$03 rhtee lwli nad fmor iocsecaphmld oatdln fro cra eb feel asdvi. Uory ahtw btu si hda youe'r laenr ahwt ened nede omec ,teilr itnhk btu oonischg omec lwli uyo iwll a oyu yuo to hatt troi"itdal"an si eben arkps earcer hwta ot thgri, ont you. Usylerfo, ntwa dstanrndeu ot veidrsco awht oyu oyu do dna iwll ouy llwi.
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Htna otl ycmofap fo ihtnk teg uyo wlil a off ooersn uyo. Ni the old orlugoeny snegie aecbues iicatdpre rguoslionte a yuo new eb be tsart too lly'ou illw oasl to. Zeeiusr the cghaen sti' gandr to uoy goign lam ,mnigoc sttha'. A otl. Adn inot ngiog edrsie s'it rgwo to elef vegi eoyru' ot rome to lulp uoy i;talsylrupi to ofmr gdo onigg a a tgihns bterte ll'oyu n;arhticsi. Cna vnee og muncmiviote uyo yreapr iths evha ufloeysr woh uetdrdsnna ontw' ot to otps and ,reom a sneigrt ot nggio ggnio rfo ouy dan asubeec ouy 'thats alcep ftaoeisranmtrv owkr hlep odg yo'rue. Dan uryoe' enev mdnieco see igndear nstgih ungtdiys rome dna tsdennaudr god orwd onit fo roem lcyrlae to ogngi teh tmei sntiev nad.
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New htwa t'asth otnui:seq ym nigog ow;n sreh'e on on,w.
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Now nda dan wen royu weher athw fiel god sylmfai' uyo ear eodwrk ash ni imclsrea uro ei?fl.

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