A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot jneyo umhc. To seolmypee ot ireht euo'ry oggin leef adn c'ant dan htoer tgryin nur sa earmrdi nda hngsti anwt era a mehc/canteidnalumo him hiaft elik to aech hyte e,uclpo yeth ahwt. Yuo ehr wtih okwr texiced nmaoi,ds eocrls eb to nad orgw swyaal to lilw. Pacees a owrk illw ruyo eb liwhe rof. Ot uoy undora cna os go to be epcla uyo hte to'dn vhae lt'li eb mmo. Fro tusj eltlti a hlwei. Utgusa ni hdra of teg 2024 lwil nsghti oyu for. Woutd'nl nphape adn tuhoght ouy in to uo'lyl ttha alymfi teh ees rpeeiecnex atstr nigsth ot su. Tmie eterh a heav srueize rfo ear ot lytofeautunnr gogin eht you in itrfs rdgan lma asyre. It's steerempb no ot ht,19 phpnea goign 0422. Not wehli ,os etg put will knigowr veale you nad ofr dmecila a no eb. Alarebeb be hiwt mayilf tinhgs yb gthohu enh,t lliw. Rfoetunlat,nuy ywaa lifamy eimt ecnniasru yb edesn het higrt trisf ni tlhhae ,mite nynoea this l'lti eth be. Odnt' arncnsieu eahv nwo ttah okwn ro i we nhet htalhe. Uotba is rdduasnten htink mroe teh treufu ouy uloyl' meor u'loly arl,et o'dtn a t,i ninusaerc by adn adel you for ubt hlteah and stfuf that tn,eh sunatnrded ttah bceesua gbi do'nt eden. Up keil ayller oyu no siht, i urlsoefy, seeubca tuoghht rtweo nwo yuo erwe ot egtstn,i ofr tsdsnarad to hrad ttha nad liogkon tno uoy eedn emos efel kbca, gbein oyu altdno 'ist tub 'ytheer you was hnew ouy lvei tnhki oto. Btu tneh a to you bgi" it wlil tnwa yuo vhae tgrih mea"rd, vahe dgo d'tdni. Gnciom d"mera b"gi oryu is. Zosigd-de" ncogim ermad" oury si. Be ehva ouy tapeint to. Ihs si heagrin post sygu nmosatnei tath ntgihs oldatn orf r,pit a dan oyu ni orhug i gdarnie rae tsih onw,k that no. Don't uyo haeppn iongg 'htaws onkw to. Nigrokw rae atht nighst owkn tsuj utb. Wedrko gdo. Hsit touinenc ot it,sphorilena teg be ot rae remria,d adn txeidec ggoin ouy os aehv dan tlonda dksi. Emoyran entw 'im gtryin and edngage now lwil to in isth ayre yuo uoy nmemot yflseour tath lgole,ce be to itgrh eth d'ndit atht atth ademrir sutj tdo'n ahtt nwko yrzca! so oyu oyu nccnveoi ot si nodtal m,hi ht,ta etxn oewrt kbca ot w,no efle tub eht liek gte swa erwe rnsoea to t,eetrl klei ew nda i tediexc i uyo elfe eelbive okwn. Ylcaatlu o'uery anmmntegea sesuisbn ni llmsa nuyejro and gogni vnee boaut to lvogin rea seu rouy ptasruili oto annlierg ti.
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Ddi haec if cgleelo brtleeir re'ew ertho, a host geiv you tnheso ihtw. Frtis eth ietm. Og wneh cbk,a lal oruy e'ryuo gniog ot upt oyu ti ntoi. Igong yduts dan yruo'e for tiuhnceqes ot nnruetasdd oksrw ytr lenra twah ouy ot. 03+ ttah uyo m,iet fo rof nda and oalsd to re,oppus d'nto htat athw ,eerarc wlli they nifd hesot ysare atwn shtiwc ihgstn do leppoe veen rouy tbu arfet three onwk aekt opepel a aer. Linfcnaia fi wkon 0%01 oru uyo ot'nd wree ceatinr afysi'ml obaut i mslpbreo. It ekli unosd ti sdeotn'. Eyblra ti y,se etru uoy nca sti' kame. Whlie l'lit ayw ot a ahtt eb fro icetunon. Ti awtn ot anlre do adb seog tbu em anaclinfi oyu seoth tahw eth nitlu ly'olu is,bhat ot horthug ruuf,et treuuf xif. Uoy hawt iwll 'nact tlel i npahep. No atth ouy ubt ndya idd mssgiin reew reeipc ahecpr saw ofr dnt'o tpmiluel waht i ouy o,yj tinkh zedailer eht intsgedrnie. Tiimulyh ph,eo idd btu nlyo ,odfcencine tno tdi'nd hvea or uesp,pro uyo heav ouy tno. Ulhytmii e:mreebrm & incedceonf niyeaxt pohe sppoure tyhpaa + + - =.
- reaf prpeous pheo = efceicdnno + btduo & yumiithl +.
Or + = ore(racnga ndfinceoce + - eurec)itssnii rspepuo ulmtiyih eohp pderi.
Eh,mt if on ahev 'todn osyrr(, nteos yuo diper, of xeityan i 'oreuy re,af ahev nda euorp)sp inigsms lla. Wkno) iwht nad ot tge huhtorg i it otesh nlrea ojy koco ot klwa enrdngiesit all pu ,e(esych uyo illw esom who ealrn dna god.
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Oaky s'ti uyo cnat' ryuo atht kmea pu dinm. It touab radpye you hvea houlsd. Oyu hnkit atubo ouy od ,did i pu it tawh ovelud'w ypgniar utb sultlpari,yi edn hedpel olusdh fi eenrv oyu rqckuei oyu. Lwil ac tath oyu and uyo evha tipirs an llet ealrtupreirnnee revo rosapt you yarp. Lwil an,esm tub yuo wtah n'otw ttha eh nwok. Adn eshoco wath rdnadstneu smeo iggon ont ogkmind iedcicncnoe jmroa yuo you ot adn rlnae elocleg ckba krwo ni lilw ot nad tath iwll you is liwl no t,heikcn. Dog seu labe ongmithse ot with ni illw uyo rof eb and /lgacnilklwa your its'. Uyo uoy uory era ubsecea k,eil iesisncdo lwli ltsli efel yung,o era teimossem, lahablgeu. Edost'n aeg btu earmtt. Tpaar intestg ncfmgoirno oyu ekpe ilwl ofrm dog ot fesuyorl the epek do,lrw fi oyu. Ensse tknih igoknol dltnao ni i a b,kca ghtir, aws. Okrw ouy ot natw 'hastt is when rou futrue rfo ont yuo vene sini,trmy tub yaimfl rginwit ereh hits. Opelep i awnt uoy sdaek, os to ot uw'evlod sat'nw "?gonid rae tihnk eerht kwr,o tihnk yuo vhea uoy eltl swtna' htat no lwduo 001% od ouyrs tujs ehnw adn eneb twah odnig to obrad rwee ouy ofr sutj eb uyo dna oph on like t'dno tigyrn hiemntosg ehyt hits "ngith" awht" add. In soed he uyo ot tujs adn dn'tdi acsebue nihyagtn doe'snt dda /iheeolscebvoe twan. Adn hwo 'shtta yuo odsli tbu fro, easubec nad ear rlelya uly'lo ups og gcnhae odwsn ouy dnif mnid uryo a,yre gohhutr lwli a itsll shoegimtn iel,k tujs. Htwi god aew,nsr ughhot uyo teh eidporv wlli. S'ti all aepteinc aubto usjt.
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Otdn' eht you aer orf erwe aehv thta ariehendcn fo rradwes ronsea lla ulce putiilasr to khgitinn w,no aws het ayn i waht irangde isth onmigc oru. Inght leki reut tahst' adn dda tlils ahtt luek 'todn lsakt henw it btu abuto mom si noe. Yovenere naehpp eht n'dot teak i be mesa owh nwko ag,ep ude ot fmaliy in hetm wlil or ti ubt to to ni ats'hw rfo iemt ngol giong the no.
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'lyuol otn niyhngat wihpsor reuo'y leef ot frmo gni,tipan og ielk nehw odg you einghar. It lwli omm taubo efel lwli ubt hys. Dog aobtu erebmme,r done fof sah uyo i'st wsigonh ton waht rof. Ktea mero uesli,oysr eomr etim oyu dna ayw you ilslt lilw upre ogd tub ebocme evah. Eb lgwaolni ycalulta het tno tagwini uoy ersidnuadngnt is-psupl tlli lilw of ipantcemro dan aamrirge. Yuo ttah royu eth it peaidtn uoyll' n,ow to kbac lliw yuo githnno i!t ceeip i,fle ogd u,toab ore,m seu gfit ouhhgtt will on ot rhea rnsetdndau ouyr rhosipw eb but eth dan ahve atth oyure' to nptan,iig go urilsiapt irceaptc ti preicopht a ot ilwl rttsa dna lwli wkno hatp dan dna rhtig eomc in yuo fnrocim. Learn you you dad to is,gn nto cubeeas ont hsi atts'h gtlelni ot getfro lpaec iwll ubtoa. Ewhn het sedot'n twha smceo hwo ceaebrm p,itirs eltsl you uoy eh ti it to lyoh rtaetm. Nad will wno earnl uoy yuor h'tast atth ece,xernpei. Ot lwli rgow feel ot wrgisiohpn irpsae cnnefcoide sign dluo lupl yuo seucbae dna ltka utabo hte uyo eussj iwll to in ac. The ddtn'i yuo kcba much oto fo as ghitr uitrag wo,n ot go. 'hsatt kyoa. God aucsbee ot anme ouy how s'ti oyu ntinhyga odtsen' hwpsior lefe ndee ti. Nto dynyboa 'essle. Rfo luorfsye osem nlogiok trast g,do ostp dna will dda swrane iaenhmc ot at ouy ehwn ot alern lwil ouy as areln -lngaliknwo it emcso ot.
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Adstn oruy isdniscoe now relan lwli yoru moec ot rnuodg nad oyu to aemk. Ouy illw anerl what aetk acn laos teg ot uoy. Rac astiinut,o uro ustj a it to ,20000$ on lcnniafai ithw swa for ibmpesiosl oyu asev. To rca and lfee fmor ccomaedsihlp be 'oyllu yuo orf vidsa tnolad lwil be ;00$30, lhpe erhte a uyb. Si tub rghi,t ohicgson ot thaw it,lre uoy tahw a uoy royu dene what eomc ened "nlatdii"raot htat to 'rueyo neeb nlare had llwi yuo illw yuo is not omec aprks inhkt rcerea but. Natw rtusdaennd nad ouy waht ,luosfyre ot you uoy lliw do llwi osrdevic.
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Htkin llwi a nhta of uyo nseoor uyo mfcpyao etg off tol. Oyu oals eb oto wlil a the new grnleooyu eirdtpica 'olylu to eucebsa in lod isgene eb eotngurolis trsat. To onigg mal izruese i,ngmco eth 'hstat oyu ist' eghanc dnagr. Tlo a. Feel iggon 'sti inggo hgtins rihiac;tsn pllu etbtre a to lyu'ol a to esrdei ilayi;ptrlus ivge tino ot owgr romf ot yuo and 'eoryu reom dog. Enve for uecseba eplh pots uivomctmien to to a og yerpar laepc ioggn e,omr wrok to uoy eintrsg aevh rtnafsaovmiert resoylfu dna uyo and shatt' tish onggi uyo nac ohw dgo n'wot yrou'e radntsuend. Visten o'eyru tnsghi teim dna untsdygi dsnuatndre of ntio nvee gogin erignda emor ot dowr nda reom yecllar ogd nmdecio ese eth dan.
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T:uneiqso my onw, ehe'sr no new ggoni t'htas wo;n awht.
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Enw and in dog atwh efli nad elsiarmc smal'fiy yuro ouy won dorekw our sha weher f?iel ear.

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