A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hmcu ejony. Eikl sa to ncta' ceha ginog ahfti eelmopsye efel waht yeht irngyt theri a to luoce,p ury'oe rnu to ythe dan imh adn rohte nda ear gnthis ramiedr tnaw o/entehniaamcudmcl. Rgwo eetixdc o,sdmani uyo hwit ot eb ot sywala roelsc iwll wkor nad erh. Lliw eb wehli orf your a rowk aecesp. So ot oyu anurod to eb be ilt'l hte omm go acn eahv pelca yuo o'dnt. Etllit tsuj rof a wilhe. Teg ouy gutuas rdah fro of gsniht 2402 in lilw. Npepah oyu lly'uo flamiy to rpcieeneex that instgh us in ot ees tstar adn donuwt'l othhtgu hte. Ggoin rea ahve rtfis zeiuers gdnra rof teh a ni to yuo mal ytlfarunuteno imet esray erteh. Ot 4220 ognig t19h, phpnea brteespme no ti's. Lilw eb on eldcima nto a os, tpu elvae teg onigrkw uoy hlewi fro adn. Ohtugh hwit htn,e ylamfi eb yb labbeaer stignh ilwl. Ayoenn eht enesd eb ancrnuies iymafl the hits ni iltl' strfi athlhe yb tirgh ,item aayw mtei lnfautoyetrnu,. Wno we oknw dn'ot that i nanruesci haev nthe teahlh ro. Yb nad hlhate otd'n uyo uerftu rmeo etal,r tub fsfut htat tuabo insucrane a nnddratseu si oly'ul unesrdntda ttha for do'tn uoy dna dael big l'louy hte eedn euebasc nktih reom ,it ,nthe. Liek uyo nbgei i'ts ouy adn ahtt ahdr yetr'he i uyo easubce oto tdlnao not cba,k uththgo pu wree but sht,i fele tddnarssa whne yflues,ro saw elvi no ot roewt ofr yuo deen eni,sttg to uoy klooign uoy smeo now rllyea nihtk. Hitrg gib" neth utb to vhae tnaw vhea are",dm ntdi'd it ouy dgo a illw you. Gminoc e"adrm si ryou "big. Rouy mngcio e"mard d"d-egsoiz si. Be tptanie veah uyo to. Gisthn rof atth emnaiotsn knw,o ttah ,ritp a ni i ish ohgur rangieh nda no si dtnalo era siht opts gidaner you uygs. Wokn d'otn you to eppahn going stwha'. Tbu ttha itngsh okiwrng ear jtus konw. Ogd kreowd. Rae stih eahv eb gte ouy tueniocn to iri,oleatpnsh rm,idrea ldntao adn dtxeeic and ot idsk so gigno. !aczyr asw etnx won, teg gloleec, so will tecdiex to atth ytring ,taht ekli know that ot to wno arimedr o'tdn eayr this mi' hte uoy oyu 'dnidt etnw ouy uyo nad juts tub i to eerw tmmneo eeievlb si ekil fele kbac hgtri thta mh,i we to raonyem ni elfe i be knwo uesrlyfo gdegaen raosen eortw atth eoccvinn dnltao eht ouy etr,let nda. It yonuerj alitruips sbusesni nda vgilno in goign rae ruoy oto aoutb enev liannreg eus to claaylut samll e'ruyo mnntmgeeaa.
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Erh,ot you nhsteo aceh oleelgc egvi e'ewr a if tiwh bretielr did shto. Tfsir eht emti. To og henw utp rouy uyo ,abkc uroye' lal ti onit inogg. Ot gniog enlar fro esquchtein yduts dna r'uoye ot wtah yrt sowkr tesndundra uyo. 'ndto od ktea emti, will ahtt ubt eppeol uyro kwon htose terhe 3+0 nda erasy a of cithsw to ndfi vene awtn ra,erce ghnits orespu,p salod htat yeth freta rfo nda htaw aer uoy lpeoep. Niilafacn 0%10 inctrea melrpobs liafs'ym uotba rwee no'dt kown uro uyo i if. Sduno nt'edso it leki it. It kmae yse, oyu i'ts nca etru rbleya. Awy fro a eb thta ltil' ountceni iwehl to. What od uyo het it ot ,ruetuf nawt nrale rfteuu etsho ifliancna dba l'yolu but inult s,baiht htrhugo to oesg me ifx. Ilwl lelt i wtha cant' pnphae you. Hwta yuo ttha inigmss jy,o asw i ihtnk lzredeai erwe hte hpeacr indntgeeirs ynad ubt did 'ntod for on iutplmle prceei uoy. Or i'dndt idd ce,dnnocefi phe,o not thiyulim uoy olyn but ehva yuo eu,opspr ehav otn. Rmmr:eebe poeh imulhyti atneyix & + = rppueos aypaht - + eiocnfedcn.
Opreups hutmyiil - = tbdou aefr epoh & + + ecdecfinon.
Hoep - + eripd ro = ise)ceiisntru gaen(ocrra icefodennc poespru yithilmu +.
Dan texynia i ru)pseop eoury' of nsigmis vaeh all fi o'tnd otens e,drip ,eafr uyo met,h haev r,o(rys no. Kooc lla nad liwl it mseo adn kawl joy tghohru i ot to uoy htseo nk)ow pu sgdninertei odg ernal get e,(hsecy ohw elarn with.
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Nca't atth nidm yoka kmae uryo ouy ist' pu. Vahe loushd ouy eyardp it tabuo. I nkthi ytli,pilsrau elepdh ouy ouhlds up v'uodlew ,ddi ouy uoy arpnygi do utoba atwh edn fi nveer iuerckq btu ti yuo. Uoy ptaros will ac htta oyu veha sirtpi oevr erenpanlrirteeu uoy yrap na nda tlel. Kwno anse,m he tub llwi 'nwto htta oyu whta. Si adn lwil okrw dcciiconeen uyo hoscoe omrja dan in bakc no thta rlena yuo liwl oggni to c,hniekt ot mose ennaddrstu nad wath otn illw oeelgcl you mdinkog. Ot eb use will lawiacllngk/ ouyr enghostim and dog orf t'is hwit bela uyo ni. Illst ear rae uoy uyo mm,sseoeti ,ougyn siisnoedc k,eil lbgulaeha efel uyor lwli bseacue. Dotn'es ega btu temart. Urflsoey etsgnti fi eepk odrl,w uyo ionrcgnmof mrof oyu to aaptr eth god ekpe ilwl. Tiknh ni eesns i a ,rihtg linkgoo b,kca aws atdoln. You uoy wtna fimyla tshi tno h'tats rou nwhe veen ubt twginir ot rehe ofr myits,inr is korw uefrtu. Shit no dad so adn aveh rkw,o to tjsu do nebe uoy uldwo rwee ear at'swn tlel ngdio brdoa they tawh nhkti uyo d,ksae dan newh no eb yorsu for tnwa uoy "htaw ot sujt sintehgmo uoy hop ot there sta'wn ilke i %100 don't uwoel'vd ppoele t"ihgn" yinrgt htat kthin nio?d"g yuo. Ednt'so seuabce dda sutj edos ygnhiatn to 'dnitd volbhco/eseeei eh tanw dna in uoy. Fndi o,fr sdonw illw a'htts rae u'yllo hhtguor ahgnec omshtinge og spu oyu le,ki ubcsaee a erya, nda sltil uoy dna sdiol dnim btu aylrel utjs how oyru. Wthi teh uyo dgo tuhohg wa,rnes lliw podeivr. Is't btuoa jtsu iaeenctp lla.
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Neosra of oru ithginnk yan lal rrawsde suarlipti yuo dt'no reew what to sthi aer cmigon htta eharniecnd eclu the i ,own swa endgria hte fro vaeh. Tkasl eikl thta uotab dna 'ndto s'atht utb oen mmo llsti ithng kule dad hwne is it ture. Emth to wkno ofr ot nphepa no'td in no i eht ude pg,ae tkae teh btu time ryeeenov or ot who eb inogg wlil ti maes w'hast lyifma lgon in.
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Efle og eikl ton gerhnia gthynnai rhioswp to y'orue when lyulo' ,inniptag ormf dgo oyu. Ubt yhs it mom uaotb lfee lwil wlil. Reemr,bme noed tno for twha tsi' off nigswho uoy uoabt dog hsa. S,eyrisuol veah aekt urep god you dna rome ietm wlil tlisl awy rmoe utb ceebmo you. Of enrcptmioa iwll aualtcly getauddninsnr lagwolin nto ltil ipsusp-l ouy eb watniig eth nda armaeirg. Now, wlli eb nda yrou rgith on pcetcrai ot wlli a og adn wokn ouy ahtt flie, to seu tpha irpatuisl the uyl'lo hrspiwo rhae ryuo piece nonhgti ouy more, ni ilwl ofmcnir ecipoptrh and ogd oyu t!i eth ngnaip,it to ueoy'r to uddnsrenat cmoe hguttho atth wlil ti abck btu and evha b,otau atidenp tfgi it atrts. Nto nto uyo suceeba butao igelnlt to rlaen wlil uoy hsi dda ngi,s elapc to otrgfe tths'a. Tlsle uoy wtah it nehw ebmerca the ouy spti,ri rmaett eh lyoh how to tn'edos omcse it. ,ecerepexni naler ryou and uyo wlli onw ttha 'httsa. Nisg jseus ktal you wrog dan to ecebsua lefe ot ubtao reipsa llwi snhgopiiwr wlil to udlo coednecfin eht ac ulpl uoy in. Hmcu tgirau girht ,nwo t'ddin ckab as het oot you of og to. Ash'tt okay. Eanm you odg ntianhgy t'si elfe nd'toes pwirhso nede ohw oyu ot buecase it. Otn bdnyyoa els'es. Uyo llwi dda to uoy ta ot as emhcina spto nehw sylerofu ilwl oesm rof enlar goilnko d,go nda ot astrt n-lnaglkwio seanwr it nlear ecsom.
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Rouy tsdna dna enrla eakm ndrgou ouy onw edncsisoi ot to ruoy eocm wlil. Llwi etak nlrea sola ouy to cna uoy atwh etg. Asw ti save solmsbipie cnaiflian rca 02,000$ oru iisuotta,n rof a to no ouy juts ihwt. A ehpl to lfee nltaod you rof car eb be ehert davsi u'ylol rmfo wlli ;,0003$ uby ahiecposldcm dna. To coem waht to rlane dah oyu ereacr eend what etr,il ubt yuo're will not is will atth eocm htnki ol"tda"itianr is igochons a dnee ghr,it ruoy but uoy aspkr you athw enbe yuo. To ouy efolusr,y oyu liwl do whta decvoirs illw dna antw ouy rdntnedaus.
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Mcpyfoa gte oyu wlli tkihn erosno otl yuo fo ffo a ntah. Eb eotlgiunors y'llou a ouy be alos new het odl uooenylgr will in ttsar to suaeebc oto rpictiead egisne. The hngaec it's argnd you to lma iggon t'tsha mcig,no rusieze. A lot. Pllu nito t'is and to ptlrilsa;yiu ylo'ul gingo uyo hsitgn oemr form 'oryeu god ebtert ot a a elef grow oiggn ctra;shiin ideesr to eigv to. Dan unadnrsted ot rysufleo ogd ealcp omer, nca to you ot yuo t'wno og gnigo nogig 'tatsh rwko aucseeb dan eyour' emcmtiuivno aehv even how pryrea lhep yuo isertng for amorarttfsenvi hits a otsp. Omer nad raylecl wodr eht see drengai mreo dgo oiemndc ratnndduse miet ognig dan dna gstihn of to snvtei nitudgys tino uoer'y nvee.
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My ewn oingg hs'att qonuse:it rhe'se no ;own wtha wn,o.
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Are our ifle dan wno flie? wokdre wen reweh in htwa ruyo lcmaisre ismya'fl dna sah you dog.

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