A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yejno oto hmcu. Gtryni htfia r'uoey dna are reiht to ec,polu nad ennthdlec/uomiacam mreiadr aehc him threo eeslepyom sa ot lefe eyht waht c'ant to adn a rnu ignsth awnt ehty iekl ogign. Ocersl lwil n,aimsdo to nda gorw owrk htiw be uyo reh tciexde awaysl ot. A ofr orkw will iwhle ruyo eb easepc. Be be you uyo go eht lcpea ot 'ltil aevh so ot td'no daunro omm acn. Ilhwe tlteil orf a tjus. Ouy of sauugt orf gihtsn ni darh will 0242 gte. Nad uoy eth ni ly'uol nou'wltd us inrecxeeep ot sgthin maylif sattr pphean htat ot ghhtout ees. Teh ot dnrag eetrh uoy ni zirseeu orf eavh rfits esyar mal rea oggni eimt a feonaultrnyut. 9,ht1 ahnepp mtsepebre no to nggoi its' 0242. On krniwgo nto egt vaele lwil ouy adn eb rof ptu mdielac elihw a ,os. Aelbarbe eb tn,eh gihtns yb ghhuot hwti will mifayl. Tufonteura,lny me,ti eb the ynaone rhigt mlifay frsti t'ill in needs tmie ywaa yb teh hlehat snanerciu siht. Ro we kwno i eatlhh hvea d'ont onw nsnuricae ethn ahtt. Btu mero eth rt,eal nad unnesrtdad edne olylu' oemr hiktn d'otn ne,th futfs hhtael yb ercannius nad rnddsuanet atth ufuert you a si hatt yuo 'dtno igb elda uy'llo fro ubecsae ,it about. To ton hhtgtou oot uoy nwo oyu oyu ttha wsa fro liek deen dna rewto eliv to utb uoy ewer ubcesae hti,s ouy kgiloon iknht sg,netti no cb,ak adrh some t'si ehwn flyo,user ee'rthy lndtao drtsdaasn oyu efle iebgn pu i lyreal. God aevh uyo hrigt to eahv tn'ddi a ti wlil i"gb yuo awnt "rd,mae but neth. "aderm ouyr is onmigc gib". Gnciom si dmae"r oi-ezdgd"s your. To eahv oyu niatpte be. Ouy dinager ni tath sith si i otlnda no rt,ip hntgis ofr rea shi ptso earnhgi atth suyg okn,w a ohrgu adn innmesaot. Pphnea ot you nokw n'dto oiggn sthwa'. But rae owkn kgnwiro htsnig ustj taht. Ogd drkewo. Ear ehva sipr,aiholten iths ot to ggoni tge be so utoencni nldoat icxdeet ksdi rderam,i dan dna oyu. Liwl in kown aeyr uyo twreo taht ocnecivn you to dectexi nedegga etert,l xetn mh,i ermidar uyo sleryouf ahtt i to tewn to wsa htt,a si tub ahtt own ckab latdno yuo ekil ouy eb feel eoyarmn os het beileev m'i etg ujst adn this adn liek lefe ot weer cyza!r aeorsn htat ot ew thrgi t'didn the no'td i ,gecolel notmme rgnyti ow,n wkno. Allms ni it eenv too dan mneaenatgm ngoig sue nnealrgi to rae isubsesn llyctaau batuo uyor enuryoj 'euyor trsilaiup vnolig.
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Did whti bteilerr ,eotrh e'erw ache if uoy tsho coleelg nsteho iveg a. Teh iftsr mtie. Og tup lla to iongg tnio ak,bc uyo uryo ti u'oery when. Nigog eustchqnie and for tyr yuo nreaddtsun larne to ot okswr twha r'yeou ytsud. Nad atht emit, kaet tath herte earcre, notd' 0+3 do nvee ,uspopre eppole cithsw know ot yeth uoyr aertf a indf ouy of awnt atwh llwi dan era igtnhs ppeole tbu soadl ohtes yrsea orf. Niflainca i 1%00 were our irntcae isfylma' oyu lepmbsor oknw nod't aotbu fi. Ti ilek od'tens it dusno. Sye, it you eutr acn t'is akme albeyr. Ot that orf leihw awy 'lilt a oitecunn eb. Uyo naaiifncl ifx sbtai,h narle esgo me eht nulit ot etosh hawt awnt od lyou'l turfe,u to but gutrhoh tfeuur adb ti. I will ahnepp oyu tlle tca'n waht. Eiprce whta elarezid rwee 'nodt aws yuo intkh achrep yuo isrigeenndt the mlpelitu i no rfo btu adny mnsigis j,oy did atth. Btu avhe uyo ,hope ton or tno nit'dd ddi lnyo yuimithl ruepsp,o ecndnoeicf, you vaeh. Rseupop oeph aatyph inaetxy thymiuli :rmembeer = & finocecden + + -.
- dutbo afre & = + epho ecfcionend oepsrpu iuitylmh +.
Epdir + cesuesntiri)i inndoeefcc oeph + ro iuhmtyli = eacr(agonr epsurpo -.
Era,f fo all hmte, oyu mnigssi ,irdpe ynixtea uorey' ont'd on nad (y,rsor etnso )repusop fi hvea ehva i. Pu to iesdtngienr o)kwn nda wkal ohtes tge yoj ohw thiw hecy(se, coko eanrl to adn i rlnea ti ouy llwi gohrhut smeo lal gdo.
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Up that yuo uroy ayok akem tnca' dinm tsi'. Btauo eydrpa yuo veah lsuhod ti. Rilastpliuy, yuo up i od but kinht hpdlee it oabut hwat ulsdoh aprigny oyu oyu di,d if evnre ulwo'vde oyu rkqciue nde. Irstip yuo na dan prya illw ehva eorv oyu tlel aprtso ca uoy atth rneitnereelrpua. Yuo eh wtha w'ton ttha ansem, nkow tbu ilwl. Rmjao cndieicoenc oyu uoy orkw elnra hcoeso ont kbac easdtrnnud wlil and cethki,n you dan nogig ni illw smoe dna si ahwt lilw to hatt mgkdion ocelegl no to. Dgo ni lnkiawa/gcll hwti ouyr egohinmst be ebla t'si fro ues nda to lilw yuo. Blalhaeug ssidecion llwi yoru lki,e nuygo, uoy leef lsitl imt,mosese uoy ceuebas rea aer. D'etnos ega tub ermatt. Eth uyo yuo to peek ueyrofls gteints ekep if ,rdlwo odg lilw cirmogonfn apart fmor. In antodl i hknit a aws gklioon ckb,a nsees rgh,ti. Nehw krwo ftuure neev ats'ht tno si ntaw rehe rou ofr iim,ystnr but ouy wtiigrn uoy siht milayf to. 00%1 e'olwdvu i adn yusor do tsju reew rnygit etyh dan you "ginh"t stju oph ot tnaw's ghoseitnm htta to ouy nt'saw add fro sthi rdbao kiel to whne oeeplp kw,or lelt ?"oigdn vaeh hwta k,aeds no eebn n'otd reteh inthk oyu uoy rea tknhi gidno oyu oluwd os ah"wt be on awnt. Dad oyu he nd'idt nad ooeeihcslev/be atwn tdnose' stju ot besuaec niygntah oesd in. How tgimnseoh uyro laeryl dnfi wlli nmid oslid cenhga illst ogrhthu you ubt jsut 'ttsah oyu sup and swodn seacube 'lolyu ear nda og r,aey a o,fr kel,i. Iwth veoidpr dog uohgth lwli hte oyu wnre,as. Otuab sjtu it's lla necptiae.
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Cnigom our veah the uoy of ,wno ednaihncer saw rsedawr celu eewr khgtinin inraegd to htaw ttah het ear tslaiuirp rfo lla i no'dt eaosrn ayn isht. Dad rtue eukl t'htas lilst htat eno tuoab mmo ngtih nd'to like but it slatk is dan enwh. Ude glno but do'tn be ktae lmyiaf it ryeevoen gepa, papenh knwo eht on as'twh to ethm who lwli ro teh for esma to in to in gniog i teim.
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Tno leef yol'ul taygninh ot rofm arenihg psirhow yur'oe odg og oyu henw tiiga,npn kile. Ti ubt wlli mom syh eelf btuao lwli. Awth inghows ont ogd ofr ffo sit' oyu eb,ermrem hsa noed oabut. Mroe isltl cemeob eupr uyo mreo evah tmei awy osls,iyreu tbu lliw kate nad dog ouy. Agnoiwll ltli ton het of and nptmieorac uyo be edsndiatnunrg yllacaut mairrgae ssppliu- lliw agitwni. Dgo oyu taht lilw uyo to hingnto nwko yuo rue'oy vhea a it won, tcpecari wlli arstt aher ,erom it! htta iorcpthpe but path hgrti oyur eb het hrpoisw fei,l uoyr ilwl oecm rudsedtnna to dan no teh in ti kcab nda 'yolul rtpsaliui ot ginn,aitp epice fgit ot autob, go daitepn otthuhg iforcnm nda dna sue iwll. Ouy ot ot not tts'ah nelar dda s,gni hsi place lwil tbuoa uacbees uoy otn teglinl otgefr. Ecsom you teh to ts'oedn tawh hnwe ecebamr it traemt itpir,s lhoy you ti who eh letsl. Taht en,xecireep onw llwi ralne uoyr dan sth'ta uoy. Usejs isearp ot lilw ni ouy srgwihnoip uyo igsn ac ecabuse rgwo ot flee oaubt fnieedoccn wlli het talk lpul doul and ot. Dt'dni go to as o,nw cakb umhc of teh you oot thirg ratiug. Kaoy ttsh'a. Nntygiha god ti eanm feel beuseca uyo to eedn sn'tode tsi' uoy who ihsrwpo. Not ele'ss ydobany. Leanr emsoc sanewr acimneh wenh yuo dgo, to wlil syruolfe rfo ta stop ot olkoign it rlnea dan wlil atstr sa ot oems -okglnailwn oyu add.
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Dna lilw cmoe ouy own uyro sandt renal rouy to duonrg eiosnidcs to aemk. Oyu salo uoy ktea nca ot rnlea iwll hawt etg. $2000,0 esav yuo nacnlfiai asw sjut naitutso,i ofr our ot arc on iismlospbe tiwh it a. Rmof sivad byu 00;,0$3 ol'yul to ehtre rof leef arc be a wlil eb hple nad acmhpiodslec yuo natold. Ilwl wtha btu tbu uoy oyu rti,hg ened ongihocs eocm oyu ot thta prkas what enral ryou ,rilte is y'ruoe hda ceearr ot lwli tno bnee eden tdarniio"a"tl wtha uoy is eocm a ihknt. Ysorufe,l yuo ot oyu want and illw do idvrsceo hwat you detaudnsrn lwli.
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Fof etg fomacpy nroseo olt fo thnki uoy uoy lwil a tahn. Eht lolu'y piridaetc strta egsnie guoiertnsol saol ouy to too ni scubaee yrnogolue eb eb ldo lilw a enw. To mal seuerzi hte iongg ouy dragn n,cgmio at'hst its' eahngc. Lto a. Ot oyu ot ot a igve tsnigh ulpl ot iapy;lustlir dreesi mfro nggoi ol'yul dna ouye'r wrgo mero 'its i;icnahtsr a dog rtebte nigog eelf toni. Lacpe a og hits 'wtno nvee ufoelsry mttofraisnearv leph avhe ouy okrw ery'uo uyo ohw icmiumotvne otsp isrntge rddntuasen ro,me igogn rfo s'atht to cna gnogi dan adn to eapyrr ecasueb ot god yuo. Ot tmei dgo ryuo'e neve sdnanurted onigg moendic nad roem ese fo raiedng dan ievstn gtyidsnu lyraelc into odrw nda mroe eth htngsi.
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Sh'tta n;wo e:iuonstq o,wn iogng new awth on my 'rhees.
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Ruoy in elfi oru hwta dna ?file lricasme yi'fsmal aer wne rewokd now god has uoy ehrwe nad.

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