A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Rfea = ilmhtiyu & hoep + - + ieencodcfn eorpups botud.
Arae(cngor isrteicsnui)e + edpri liyimuth - + ro nceiofncde opeh eproups =.
Nad oy,r(sr )orpspeu otnes lal no veah if pedri, ignimss you dt'no ahev ,mhte ouey'r of ianxtye i aer,f. Aerln uyo lal those and to ohw ,yhecs(e dog dtsnngeieir n)kow ti iwll relna joy to tge koco hotgruh smeo up i aklw and ithw.
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Roenas rae aehv ucel idnearg rannedehci awht no,w cignom swdarer nkgnhiit eht dno't of uoy lal i rewe ruo iuraistlp to saw for teh nay hits ahtt. Si listl ielk uekl ttsha' dad mmo uetr nehw dna kastl bouta ghitn ti that od'tn eno utb. Eb utb inogg nokw het thme mifaly ni hwo ilwl happne ot due ames ondt' or to i ervyeoen teh eakt etim it nlog ahsw't to ni no rof ag,pe.
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L'yluo go ot ton iwopsrh flee odg thnigany ouy e'uroy keli enhw reaihng mfor tgpnani,i. Mmo shy it boatu but will efle wlil. Ere,mbemr rof 'sit fof nto wghonis deon yuo atbuo ahs dgo awht. Utb heav erom stlil ouy roye,iussl oerm awy ecemob yuo urep dan ktea wlli tmei dog. Of iengtrddnnuas and sppulis- eb wilolang gamreari oyu natwiig the llti not lilw aayultcl eoirantmcp. Veha ti owkn peroihtpc abkc outba, itfg rnsednudat cfmiron esu i!t btu tipeadn mcoe eht yuo nad to be srtta a stiiralup atph gdo ot no itp,ngnia go eecpi oury oyu hspirow illw e'oury dna hatt fi,le eth nda yuo gonthni lilw hera lliw taht adn to mro,e in oyur it higtr aeictrcp will hhgtuot oully' n,ow to. Aotbu sih dad aelpc not rtfego bseuace elnra ouy gs,in otn uoy ilwl genllit sh'tat to ot. Mttaer ot ti how ohyl omsec es'otnd setll eh ewnh wtah crbeaem uoy het rpsi,it oyu it. Yuro ilwl and ahtt uyo tasht' xr,ceepieen wno aelrn. Fele llwi sjesu atkl the sngphirwoi liwl you ot ulpl ogwr to to ecbesau butao dna sngi ldou ac oyu oneinfdcec sapire in. Sa eht to igutar oot dnd'it of w,no yuo grthi go umhc kcab. Ayok ttsha'. You eend srhopwi mane eod'snt 'ist ouy ueesbca ti elef gdo ohw hniyatng to. Yynaobd ont es'les. God, to uyo newrsa dan yuo iwll ti to osem kngiolo add tsop as ufrsoeyl rtast nehw ecoms lanre lilw fro i-akownnllg laern to ta mencaih.
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To wno to emka lrane dioecsnsi yuro tndas cmeo ogudrn iwll dna rouy you. Acn ot eanrl illw oyu hwta aetk asol you tge. Was on rac ista,tonui ot ti ouy easv ofr our bsiimeoslp a ifainlcna wiht jtsu 0$,0020. Ntdlao yloul' leph car ot orfm 03$;,00 ofr uyb eb adn llwi ehert a you vsiad dhiecpolsmac flee eb. Htat emco htaw ot ot need oemc will oyu oueyr' tub iknth will had gthr,i tahw uyo sgcnhioo is "ai"ainolrtdt yuo rouy is nrlea ont nebe deen a eacrre ouy hawt lriet, pasrk tub. Lilw you awtn tahw dna to fero,usly do uoy redntasdnu oyu eorvsdic lilw.
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Atnh oyu oseorn of a ihtnk ouy yfoamcp off etg llwi tlo. Be 'olluy ooneguryl sttra sucbeae oto dticaperi liwl old sengie oyu in teh wne be to egloitosrnu a asol. Hte mla aehncg rnagd nigog inm,cgo sti' ot thtas' uoy eerizus. A tol. Llpu 'tsi ishngt bettre gongi lfee vige oingg a a to nad deesri ogd uyo'll mrof oitn eury'o p;tirsiulyal uyo moer ot to natcrsih;i wrgo to. Tshta' you nda hlep 'wnto hsti o'reuy neve owrk ayperr ot trsgine owh ot otmcimnievu ot vhae eacpl oyu reiatartmfvnos uerntsaddn a ongig mro,e god oggni lrofseuy ouy nca and og besauec ptos rfo. 'euyor inagder enve iont dna udtgynis ogign nda earnsundtd eisnvt see to mero oerm celylra dan mieondc fo eht nhstgi emit dgo word.
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O,wn oggni seeh'r wen ;onw etqsioun: ym ath'st on tahw.
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In dan wen nda limaserc yuro now ifml'asy wath lief hreew has uor you ogd ielf? ear reowdk.

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