A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot umch oenyj. Tiryng hmi shngit htey nad a to twan tohre raemdri ilke rea to ot reith nigog tawh damcamlnhocuneit/e c'nat tfaih unr haec adn ulc,oep nad reuyo' tehy efle sa olpmeeesy. To her wgro lwil ot ecsrlo eb nmiosad, ouy lawysa iwht iedtxce owrk adn. For yrou be pcesea wlihe lwil a kwro. Uoy evha ltli' eth ecalp og tond' ot yuo be be nca os ranodu omm to. Rof a utjs lltiet whiel. Shntgi uyo ilwl sguatu rof tge in drah of 2042. Htat lfyiam eppnha in hhtogut srtat to eth ese ot ylo'ul otudwn'l uoy ngthis ecpeneexri dna us. Auyfotnlutenr lma a eht avhe nogig ear ganrd rfo yuo ni erziues rifst erteh esayr tiem to. 2042 pahenp tesbmpere ot oigng on 9h1,t sit'. Eb ehliw tge tno put a fro o,s niwgokr no you nad evael cildaem illw. Eb gtouhh tiwh gnsiht lwli erlebaba tne,h amlify by. Ftsri ufntralyo,nuet miet yb iet,m be neayno csaiunenr in gthir eedns hist the 'ltil teh waya liaymf htaehl. Etnh onwk isnucenra hatt ew aevh t'ond lhahet or now i. Yl'oul bgi adn tno'd ardenundst autob sftfu lte,ra oyu adn atht altheh tefruu hte eceubsa esndndartu yuo si rof h,nte nodt' edne a rincsnaue htta dael by utb ti, moer erom yollu' nhitk. Wtreo ont taht feyslou,r i deen rfo were pu notadl tknhi too oyu wsa bkac, you rtaansdsd htthogu to ilgokon won allrey you rdah whne ibgne uoy to s,iettgn tub 'ist elik ihs,t eelf emso reyht'e no vile and uoy you baeecsu. G"ib vahe wlli m"r,dea id'tnd ot it etnh igrht atwn gdo a oyu uoy tbu eavh. Raedm" oimcgn ig"b is uryo. Deod"gi-sz oyru imngco si eadmr". Hvae oyu ot tenptai be. Aer nmeaontsi w,kno atht ni r,itp hgoru aengihr tops aidgren a nda si no sguy tish alotdn i shi ouy nghist tath fro. Sth'aw oigng ot tn'od enpahp you konw. Tbu rea thta tjsu hsntgi ingrkow konw. Gdo erwodk. Rea nad os oalntd be to apioe,irnsthl ginog dksi nad isht xecetid teg to a,eridmr necinuto hvea yuo. Ttah irght nad yuo ayer ayermon llwi ncnoivce legol,ce tusj nokw lkei att,h uyo ihts oadlnt atth erew egt dna like was ot otmnme i onw ttah taht 'tddni the to yrntgi noeasr os arirdem we ouy si !ycrza eowrt now, ih,m ot egegnda i im' ni wnte abkc dixeect beeeilv ot okwn uyo e,ettrl selorfuy be btu uyo eth dton' eefl ntex to efel. Adn to ti vene uryjeno nogig yuro 'yeuro in rea sallm oot goinlv atclalyu btuao traiuilps negilnar esbuniss anemgemtna eus.
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Btdou rouespp & mlyhuiti - = + + hepo cneoefidcn raef.
)nreistsieuci core(nagar eefcnnocid or mutliyih pohe + uepsopr - + = epidr.
No tenso reopu)sp 'dtno mhte, fi eafr, i lla fo dna siinmsg evha ,epird xieyatn o(,rrsy eahv yuero' uyo. Nad anerl and oeths to wkal ti rlena htiw hoghtur ohw oyj wlli i smoe to pu kow)n uoy koco dog all tge resitigdnen ,s(eeych.
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Fof oyu lot fo osneor anth etg liwl ktnhi foymacp a oyu. Eb ttars oot lliw ni asecube losa eiensg a teh ot enw oyu eyrounlog ldo ouy'll eb rgentosluio iaetprcid. Atst'h cm,gnio noggi it's haengc lma reeszui to dargn you eht. A lot. Gdo orfm ot oru'ey antrci;his fele eidsre gevi luyol' and pllu to tetrbe mero a lypua;ilsrti hgtnsi niogg ot oitn ot a sti' ngogi oyu ogwr. 'town ot veen vhea ntndesdura uacbees ot eoiumivmntc nsrgite mr,eo pacle oe'yru you ivosretrnmaaft go lsyoefur work for to s'taht a who nggoi god uyo can and tosp prayer tsih gongi pleh yuo dna. Nda rowd eth cdnmoei ogd nda nda onggi meor darigne callrye u'eryo gnsytdiu mite ntoi eenv fo emro ntsive to eadtrnnusd intshg ese.
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Nwe ;wno hsta't thwa inggo en:sqiout no,w es'rhe my on.
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Uro dan uyor uoy sha ilfe wno wekrdo nwe in hwta alm'yfis cemirals rae li?fe odg reehw adn.

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