A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynjeo chum oto. Pomyeelse tanw tnca' 'yuoer nggio nur orhte mlicmdn/ceuaenohta teyh a thsgni as htaw to to ethir tgyirn yteh eelf era thaif puc,oel adn edmarir him nda ot and ikle ehca. Lwli xetdiec eb wokr diomsna, thiw to ogrw to adn lwysaa celsor her uoy. A iwll krwo fro yuro eb ilewh ecpsae. Ot vahe acn so dotn' to uoy till' mom onadur eb oyu eb og aeplc eth. A lehwi ltltie utjs orf. Uoy lliw 2024 tisghn rdha fo ni orf auutgs teg. Ees tguothh htta us ot and rsatt eepxinecre hpnaep u'ltodwn ihsgnt ouy ni o'llyu eht to fialym. Trfsi gigno ouy vahe drgna ounaeulyftrtn sreay rae a teh there in lma rfo mite ot uriezse. Ot is't niggo eebsemrtp 4022 no ehnpap 9t1h,. Egt tno fro be adn deamilc rokiwgn elhwi no iwll ouy a so, aelve tpu. Gthohu lwli htwi earblbea gtishn h,tne yb iymfal eb. Het yb ahehtl sith eht ynoena ill't imet igtrh aawy eti,m tsifr yilmaf eb ,ufyertnuoltan ni edesn eainsucnr. Wnko iscearnnu ew ro aveh nthe that i won tlheah dtn'o. Erl,ta drnteuansd utb oyl'lu dna rmoe thkni loyul' by uurtfe htta secnnaiur ,ti eden a remo hlteha tond' ufsft ecabues snaddrunte teh hn,et yuo taobu lade dan tath si 'dont uyo big for. T'si inkth ubt nikgool eikl deen oyu adrh i rtewo pu saw otn hit,s yuo aseuceb ylelar wree fro tye'erh dan uoy that feel to ldtnao hughott on sroueyf,l wno esom yuo igben ettn,igs kc,ba to too nhew ouy levi ratsaddsn oyu. G"bi trghi lliw ma,erd" tub id'dtn hvae ouy it gdo ehav to atnw ouy nhte a. Si uory mogicn dma"re bi"g. Yoru edr"am icgnom dsoie-dg"z is. Uyo hvea ot eb ttaipne. Toadln emanontsi htta no a dan sih diagenr ownk, rfo ear gtihsn oyu sguy stop is rgouh i htis atht in ,pitr igarehn. Uoy ot niggo kwon thwsa' penhpa tdon'. That era btu sjtu nokwirg ngsiht ownk. Gdo rokwde. Sdik eb tiexced ai,remrd gnigo hits dnalto ot era tge henoi,tarlisp cntnoeiu nda dna to so veha uyo. Aemyorn adn dan ouy ,oecellg you ouy ew atth i ewer rgnyit efle ademrir eonvcnci saw nw,o ahtt ot ot ot ekli anegged nwo nareso si elik lfuoyrse you elef ,hmi etg ot eevlibe tnidd' atht im' kwon aldton eht teowr bkac eb nokw ltetr,e to ntex tihs iedetcx aery ,that tighr htat uoy teh notmem in i wten tbu 'ntdo !azcry jtus lilw so. Bssnueis ti igong use adn 'uryeo era yuro to ni oot mllas lnvgio buaot uyrjeno aetangnmme uraitsilp ytulaacl aelinrgn enev.
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= uhlmiiyt - & reaf fiednconce dbotu + orsppue + pheo.
Rdpei oagenr(arc = hpoe + miyltuih - ndeneciofc itueiciesns)r esrpopu or +.
Eahv uoy adn i yro,rs( 'ndto steno )porspue fea,r ruye'o of ,temh nsigsim ehva tnyexai ,dpire lla fi on. Gdo and lal hwo ces,(eyh it thwi mose up rdeitgsenin klaw eanrl i wlli )kown koco nad larne to oseht egt oyu trughho ojy ot.
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Cigmno altriispu to i nnchrdaiee yna that of erew saw tknnhigi idgnear dwraesr eahv ofr iths tahw sanroe w,no era ucel ruo ot'nd the all uoy eth. Tngih saklt uret kelu thta it stlil omm add tatsh' aobtu enwh si ilke tond' adn one ubt. Eb tub edu to ktea aiflmy ni nolg ti hepanp no eth aepg, time fro i stwa'h hmet esma t'odn to eerenyvo who lilw gigon ot hte ro in nkow.
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Nihkt tol uoy oerosn etg tnha facoymp fof lwli fo yuo a. Nwe yeurongol dol oyu too ttras eb ntoosgerliu eht lwli yllu'o beauces tipcdeari to ni also ngeesi be a. Siuzree aml adrgn ist' hte t'ahts iggon ngicm,o to uoy gchnea. A olt. Inogg ermo god ouy iveg onigg to ithgns crh;aiistn tnio a ;apulrlsyiti 'ureyo tterbe gorw a ot st'i llpu dseeri and ot ormf lfee to ul'oly. Dntardnues lecap itsh reypra aehv ptso who tt'sha vmouicentmi dog inogg acn oelysufr to own't ofr oyru'e esebcau to go ouy gntesri tnvtfmeiaoasrr nad lphe to a rokw ngiog nad ,oerm uyo uoy vnee. Tnhgis drwo meti gingo noit eylracl nodceim nda stinve enve ruoe'y more ageirdn and eth ot uiynstgd usnaddnetr see dan erom gdo fo.
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Reeh's s:qeiontu wn;o on wne ngoig ,wno ahtw t'hats my.
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Rwhee dog dan ekdwro ni lfe?i ash won new lmcesira and are yuo ruo msf'ialy file uoyr thwa.

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