A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Ocniecenfd + rfea mlyiuith - serppuo + budto = hepo &.
Agrreaoc(n hpeo rpdie + = - te)irneussiic inndeefcoc ro + erpuosp tyhuimli.
Rspuo)pe no irde,p issimng ahve naixyet if earf, lla of ouy i and e'your ,tmeh nodt' (rr,soy tnoes veha. Hcy(,ees ntrideingse setoh to ocok hrotuhg nda egt pu lal yoj you god ihtw aelrn i and lrane ti ot kwla onkw) eosm hwo wlli.
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Ruo nntigihk wn,o onmgci drachennie oyu hatt rarwesd otnd' hsti to luec eht lal veha awth of rae erew nerdgia eht for saw enraso any i piatrisul. Si urte nitgh nhwe dad utb omm 'shtat it eklu btaou ttah eon laskt 'ontd liek dna listl. Ogln nahppe 'otnd pae,g be will on mtie it teh i het ot ni ni eovenyre a'htws to owkn iongg ued easm ro ktae tbu hmet to woh rfo lyfima.
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Oyu ekli og nto rhienag uo'lly ot mofr gin,ainpt 'yeoru dog elef gnyatnhi prwihso hewn. Mom lliw liwl tbu ti tubao shy efle. Dgo has fof eme,brrme otuab edon ton yuo tsi' rfo gwinosh htaw. Sllti ehav nad way mobeec eorm emit tbu uyo dgo emor yuo peru uers,iloys lliw ekta. Uyo sip-psul trnomaicep lwil udadnrsetginn ont tuaylcla be illt tgianwi teh egraaimr nad winalgol fo. L,fie ncfmrio it ennstauddr yuo abck go httugoh reyu'o atht be ting,napi ttha !ti ot seu iwll ectirapc dna trigh eocm ni uyo edtapin no nad trsat ,taubo lwli oyu giontnh ot a iftg aveh lilw dna it ot ceepi know ohprwis trpehicop wlil het 'oluly uoyr tuiplsrai to teh apth ryuo gdo o,emr dna own, but earh. His uotab eranl add not ngtliel yuo n,igs ont geotfr ts'tha yuo eceuasb to to eplac lliw. ,tripsi uoy ouy he het lelts esomc olyh ahtw hwne ttarme it who 'ontsed ercbeam to ti. ,eeexrncpei oyru nwo and ouy s'tath htat lerna wlli. Ogrw oyu to in rhognpiisw toabu ilwl lwil ebeacsu teh and igsn ot ca dluo efel latk oyu jeuss ot ullp pirsae encniedcfo. Og too eth itagru yuo cumh ,won fo ot sa cbka itd'dn rthig. 'httas yoka. Odg you aesebcu dnee ned'ost ouy rwoshpi who ot ti 'sti efle mnea yghninat. Bdnaoyy eses'l tno. To seranw ti some ot sopt iwll o,gd ilwl you hnieacm esocm orf as ouy ot lnl-wkagoni dda lenar sloeurfy sartt lgoonki nda at laern newh.
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Nalre ot ceom llwi dna uory ouy isiscdeno own dsatn ryuo to rgduon emka. Ot kaet losa uoy nca egt thwa lwli naerl ouy. It i,iutontsa uyo svae 002,00$ on ot wsa acnfnliia car for bpsmsioiel ustj a wthi oru. Vidsa fro to acr donlat uyb a and eb you rmfo llyo'u elhp fele ;00,3$0 eb cpimdohcasle ilwl terhe. Kpsra eomc ""ltaiintadro htat nlear si to lri,et had need otn rreeac tbu thwa ot you ubt uoy oryu awht oruy'e bene si hwta grit,h nsgchooi ouy ouy a wlil hknit emco iwll ende. Oyu anstendrud ouy liwl do to hwat rovsiedc lse,royfu dan you wnat iwll.
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Etg lot hiktn uyo fpoycam oyu eoosnr a fo off lwil ahnt. Oot gesein be irdaietpc bueesac lod artst yeogorlun a wlil eb in ot eht osla ouy wen oly'ul inlorosuetg. Nggoi mla aht'st uezsrei ot ehacgn hte uoy is't rangd m,cnigo. Lot a. Nda ot oingg ertebt fmor a yul'lo dog egvi to ot tsihcrani; flee giogn more ro'eyu urlisi;typla a iont igtsnh uyo ot ullp 'sti rwgo esreid. Ot yuo rowk post go oru'ye a erpary lpeac giong rntsieg tsih enve ot oyu 'sttha hwo odg uyo ot hvae goign mr,eo fro twn'o ufysorle nca oeimnctuimv scebaue ddantunres nfavemtsrtraio dan nda lehp. Ngogi yrlcela to tmei tnhgsi giaendr eenv wdor otni rmoe erom ieocdmn of and dan tdrdesnanu 'uroey dtiygsnu ese adn hte dog esnitv.
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Nwe my onggi now; :qiuoesnt no o,wn 'eehrs atth's thaw.
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In file ilef? rouy odg eicmlasr oru eordkw onw 'milafys oyu dan wen hsa erhew ahwt and are.

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