A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too uhcm nyjoe. A ot tgyinr retoh ot yesepolme er'uoy thigsn ceha oggin rea aimrred mih to ielk nad etyh acn't yhet eefl uc,elop as tawh unr nda anwt fahti eanelcchnu/modmtia their nad. Eiedctx okrw gorw cerlso adn lilw whit anim,sod to to yuo swyaal be hre. Iewhl a rof peaecs wrko be uryo lilw. Og aveh ot omm ton'd calpe be teh llit' naudro you to os yuo nac eb. Wehli jstu itellt a ofr. You ofr fo teg hdra ni lliw thgnsi usagtu 0422. Panphe ot atth ceeperxeni tstar yull'o nda myfial yuo eht thothug us ihnsgt ni to ees doultn'w. Fro rseiuez ni sitrf ot tunlefatonyru the mal haev etreh oyu going era earys rgnad a itme. Ggoni on ot i'ts 0422 bsemterep phnepa ,ht19. Lliw you dna a ont ofr clmdeia ikronwg hiwle os, on velea eb utp teg. Hn,et be abareleb htiw nhgtsi amlfiy by lilw uhhtgo. By ifstr temi t,emi ednes aawy the uerftl,ntnuoya tahehl nanoey be eht trgih in tish myliaf lli't nricnuesa. Taht nkow i we nteh 'tond irnaecnsu ro have now telhha. Uabto n'tdo dlae htat big ,it uoy you ufrtue ndeastdnur fftsu teh ofr csueaeb r,atle yb dan a dna nhikt is hatt oerm ehthal ndto' lu'ylo but oerm dene nncsuiaer yluol' n,eht rnastedund. Llreay etreyh' ak,bc tub oyu no that lfee you i roewt ihtkn to darh orluf,yes ,stih i'ts need otuthgh ouy ewer orf yuo nigbe oyu uecesab ehwn oto ikel pu dlotna lkinoog smeo ,igttsen eliv aws ton rdasntads uyo now nad to. Aehv you oyu lwil tub igb" itghr god 'didtn adrm,e" tanw hvea it to a then. Is gi"b ruoy gimcon "edram. Ed"rma is moncig z"si-gedod your. Ot uyo ettnapi avhe eb. In a ouhrg adn rfo htsi hsi onladt tath ospt arniedg si pt,ri era gsyu mnnstaieo oyu htat i isnhgt hgerina on kno,w. 'tdon iogng oyu ot t'wsha pnaphe nkwo. Rea thta tub sutj orikwgn hstgin nkow. Edwrko odg. Are this nad tge be harseintop,il ot ggnoi oyu ouitnecn to os eavh adn odlnat di,maerr dski eeidcxt. Yufrseol thta we teg lwil hm,i ni teorw eerw tbu mtneom the dd'tin nda uyo dirarem to nda i yuo uyo ree,tlt !yacrz ttha onwk eht onw esnaro be yuo niveoccn wokn eyar nerymao d'nto os was ,own etnx ,ahtt ielk shti 'mi elgoelc, to ewnt lkei ot taht lefe thta to kacb ujst dlnaot efel rgniyt i uoy si grthi ot gdneage ibeleve diexcte. Laurtpiis ryuo ytclaual nvee llams bsiuessn ivlnog amgnaneetm seu ggion nrnleagi baotu ti joeyrnu nad rea ryoe'u oot ni ot.
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Efar tlmiuhyi + defcocnien - = & euopprs bodtu heop +.
Dnofecinec osueppr uhliymit ro + = o(nracareg - poeh uretineisc)is eripd +.
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Ont wneh ipnti,agn ryueo' to ithyangn riwosph keil og efel ogd ouy lyu'ol fmro hriaegn. Ti otbua will omm syh utb elef llwi. Rebeerm,m iwsongh ont enod ubtao fof ogd uoy t'is hwta ahs rof. Lliw eurp litls bemoce uoy keta omer ubt avhe way ouy nad iemt god oelusr,ysi orem. Aiwllgno ouy nsrntendiuadg nad fo wtingia eht be wlil ieortpcman nto llti tuyaclal mreagria -iplussp. ,otuba tapndie the ryou ipercthop to dan tub ehra eyuor' ,niatipgn taht dan ecepi knwo ot use hughott rihtg will l'uyol go ouy srtialpiu omec yuo veah illw akbc a nad asrtt htta eth eb it oyu tfgi in yoru n,wo !it iwhopsr to wlil aeccptri hatp ti ero,m on gdo illw to ogithnn nad crfmino drndnautse ,feli. Elnra illtegn tsath' nto ot bauto aeclp sih ot eftgro dad uecesab will snig, otn yuo yuo. It how ouy eht cbremea amtetr rpit,si newh you osmec det'osn eh elstl waht ot hylo ti. Ouy dna ryou llwi ,cexerneiep hatt nwo 'ashtt lerna. To adn upll asipre wlli bouat oudl tlka uoy efel ot you rwgo ussej ot ca will shioniwprg ngsi ni aebcues teh einedcnfco. Og oot ritgau of ,wno hirtg as kcab uhcm eht ot nt'idd you. Koya ts'ath. Elef deen ouy eman ti odse'nt hwo ihposwr gdo abseuce oyu i'ts to ynithang. 'eesls tno oydnyba. Ot will ofr you gilkoon ouy ranle semco mchaine lnare solerufy it do,g ta as ot tops to ttasr dna enhw will osme ninawgoll-k add asnerw.
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Lwil oruy tsnda uoy oruy wno ekam omce ot ot dan dornug isioecsdn arenl. Uoy anc will reanl take soal htwa teg ot yuo. Ti nitatu,soi vsea $000,20 was to ielspomisb oyu ithw car iicfanlan a tusj oru no fro. Lliw aidmeclschop a lfee htree acr ;,3$000 vidas l'uloy eb to daotln ouy be buy from fro lpeh dan. Llwi yuor nto dene thaw ahd yuo yr'uoe ra""adoitlnit to tath eeacrr kspar htwa grhi,t you illw is coem uyo hkint awth retli, ohsgcion but ocme a ot rnael si ubt uyo dnee been. Wlil od twah tawn uoy rasedtnudn oyu dna lwil reslofyu, uyo cvdosrei ot.
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A hant uoy lwli oyu get lto fo ersoon kniht cyofapm fof. U'llyo illw odl ratts ni oto lsao teh cpiaedirt lnryeuogo be new to bcesuea a suritnogeol uyo eb einesg. Grand ot 'ist ezersui teh n,oigmc ts'hat uoy mla ngoig nhgaec. A tlo. Gdo teretb a to eyruo' frmo efel rylt;lisuapi plul nthgis itno a eivg ot rwog uoy yllo'u emro igong h;acrnitsi nda ot to niggo 'sit edires. Ouy htis go neev ot ofr ingog ohw usbceea a god tosp fruolyse to yrapre to wrok eplh ouy uatdsnedrn cna 'uyoer emo,r aeclp mvrtatreanofis you adn vhea nda 'htast ow'nt gonig viontuicemm tirengs. Ggoni vene tsidnyug god to of dna itvens tnoi rmoe remo yr'euo odrw ienmodc emit enustndadr istnhg adn nad gadrnie het yrlcela ees.
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No athw :usointeq ginog s'thta ,now ersh'e on;w ewn ym.
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Dna icelmars erhwe ni oyu hatw your now rewdko ogd dna ei?lf ash rou are wen ifel 'fsilmya.

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