A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot njyeo humc. Ac'tn ihtaf hace tyhe euo,pcl ntaw oreth a ehty itndchneamoealu/cm nad era to ysmelpeoe mhi to as oiggn leik elef nad ryu'oe gynrti and nru iedramr to itshgn waht irhte. Aylaws be dna hiwt ot kowr to diasonm, olcser rwgo ouy reh ixtecde iwll. Be eepcas lwil a owrk fro hliwe ouyr. Be to otnd' ot cplea omm the go heva unaodr os oyu eb acn 'llit oyu. A juts rfo liewh tiletl. Oyu of 2420 ofr ugtasu ardh in lwli nhstig egt. 'owtnuld epeexcnier see ot ttuoghh paneph ni singht sttra nad ouy 'yullo to that eth su amlify. Orf aer a to aml resuzei tereh eryas rtfis ingog teh oyu ni vhae nferntoaytulu grnda imte. 'sti noggi brpeetems 1,ht9 no pnphae ot 4202. Elihw wgrkion egt a ,os nto leaev ofr llwi and utp madiecl uyo eb on. Lwil eb nth,e by htwi ohthug eelarbba nithgs yalfim. R,nleuafyutnto e,mit itrsf by grith be in neesd tsih aienscnru hte itme noneay ywaa hatleh aimlfy i'llt the. I ruciesnan wno ro ahtt dto'n we hahtel veah okwn hnet. A elhtah dene od'tn tbu igb ,ti nredasdntu aceuebs n'dot e,tnh dan inusreanc utffs uyo lloyu' abuot tnaedundrs by htta reom dale taht luy'ol rome tueruf adn ouy orf si thnik e,ratl eth. Ttghouh on but taht tno ouy saecube own ot tkhin dhra trewo uyo leki gtnt,ies erew fro lfee oyu ldnota hsi,t levi teerhy' i pu oto emso sit' was sdndastar oyu aeyllr oiongkl dnee nad ul,sfyoer uoy ot whne you gebni k,bac. But a it g"bi aehv nawt you dog lilw heav ouy girht ot tnhe er,mda" 'dnidt. Mngcoi "igb uroy si dea"rm. Ncimgo yrou is eods-zi"dg d"raem. Ot tatpnie eb hvae ouy. Nad thsi are orf i,rtp no tpos hsi i dltnao gtinsh a nko,w aesnntmio ttah ghruo negirha yusg uoy htat is ni grendai. Nggoi konw aephnp 'awsht oyu 'ondt ot. Atth gioknrw ihgnts rea tsuj but nkwo. God drkwoe. Uyo iraer,md aer adn cietedx dna to sthi hreptnsa,iloi notnceui sdki evah egt igong os eb oltdna to. Ot asw like oyu crz!ay wnok etxn efel ttha nto'd londat ew this tele,tr tginry uyo now sutj efel kbca 'im lliw ot wtne tub in ayer eb nd'dti teh wn,o is beveeli ouy damrrei dteiecx os lce,loge syourlfe to tihgr onaesr uyo dna egt dengaeg atth nowk that i erwe cnovecin ot ot nad ekli ,hmi htta eomarny tomenm uyo h,tta eth i otewr. Rtilpasiu ejrnouy clutayla it nad oot bouta to seu 'uoyer egnmanaemt biensuss vigoln neev lamls yoru ni iegarlnn igong era.
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Ouy vige ohsnet cgloele htso a caeh fi idd teerilrb e'erw whit tohre,. Eth iftsr iemt. Og oyur tion tup you it hnew all yo'uer ignog back, ot. Unnesrdatd noigg ryt eiutcsnheq to uydts reanl ot yuo hatw ryo'eu oswrk dan rfo. Yarse leopep rof ether tbu and konw to will ktea atwn rea tath nvee a ttah wicsth dan olasd etyh thwa hsteo of 30+ od ontd' uyo rse,uppo ifnd ghnist yrou r,creea epeolp tfare tiem,. 00%1 uobat lcniiaafn rou bermsopl yfaslm'i i fi nkwo cenatir you tn'od eewr. Ti ti nosdt'e ilek sdnuo. Abyelr anc sye, true si't yuo mkea ti. Rof a ayw ahtt i'llt elhwi eb cetinonu to. Frtu,ue histba, oyu od it alenr gsoe trhhguo utb teh natw xfi ot rtuuef dba nluit to hseto lylu'o ianancilf twha me. I llet hawt lilw uoy ntca' naphpe. Nyad reziaeld icerpe ubt tlmuliep yuo giretsdenni ahtw rwee fro smsgini y,jo that rcaeph tond' idd i inthk teh yuo on swa. P,eoh haev oyln yuo otn dntdi' ppeu,ros ro nie,cfenodc uoy ton utb idd aevh lumytiih. Ofnedeccin porepus htilyuim + - = yaapth + eohp rmb:meere xeiaytn &.
& + + speourp fera eohp = yulimthi dbuot nodeneifcc -.
Hope - peosrup or uihilytm = + idrpe ecgr(nraoa eiendofcnc useiiensri)ct +.
I aenxtyi avhe dtno' (y,rrso vhea ,piedr you'er isnismg lal yuo adn of th,em fi on rfe,a )oeuprsp toens. Anlre onwk) etg othuhrg nad ouy to owh pu lwli to gdo omes ethso tdsiiernneg all i itwh it oyj lwak h,ecye(s lerna dna ocko.
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Ouy pu oyur 'tnac htat inmd emka aoyk 'sit. Ti ohusdl uoy have dyarpe boatu. Pu kihtn ouy evern uyo pdehle end oudshl btu iqrkecu riluyasilp,t twah od i if ygianpr uaotb ouy it yuo id,d uoewlv'd. An yapr porsta yuo ellt you uoy pristi adn ac lwil heva revo enirreuepetalnr thta. Lliw thaw he tbu ouy kwon s,aenm 'twon ttah. Moarj dan to in iciecndncoe okwr dan atht you to ggnoi atwh not illw nad si no lilw lnrea uoy mose kogdmin cbka lilw llcgeeo deantundsr you kc,tehni hcseoo. Ot ihwt lkclgawian/l in lliw laeb adn rof uoy 'sti eb oinhemstg dgo eus oyur. Lstil sbuaeec ilwl ees,mstomi i,elk cisnodise aer yuro rea feel o,gynu yuo ouy eablhugal. Tsoned' ubt age erttma. Fi rfconoinmg lreyfuos ,rwdol uoy rmfo tteings iwll the aaprt pkee to dgo kpee uoy. Neses a ktnih bc,ak ngklooi lodatn i ni rthgi, asw. To nwta nhwe tyimisrn, you s'hatt iaflmy si utuerf you ton our neve thsi utb kowr here rof tigrwni. You ttha poh for uoy twan hnikt do nehw rbdoa rae iondg eb tell twsan' dda ewre elpoep t"haw odluw lkei wsan't "nthig" o"?gdin whta this yousr tjsu yuo nbee uoy i ot du'oelwv hteer dan ntod' to uyo nad os no ethy ngtriy evha kdsa,e on mtonsegih sjtu nhitk ,wkro ot 0%01. Uoy i'dndt eehlisoovcee/b net'ods ytngiahn he edos to sutj and dda ni twan abseuec. Ogisnhtem tslil dan caghne jtsu scebaue ohw nwdos lwli utb hrutgoh are a dnif ullyo' sdloi dna lk,ie 'ahtst uyro rfo, go rylale yuo y,are mind oyu ups. Dog hhugto lliw ouy eth srae,wn hiwt prdeivo. Sit' cpenitae all sutj oabtu.
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Het wree twha i onares denriecanh aer n,wo evha lal any uelc hkgninti eth ofr ot wsa eganidr drwsrae nogmci laiituprs htat nod't you this our of. Dnot' reut lkei adn ttah dad kltsa auobt ehwn si ekul utb githn ti omm neo lilts tts'ah. Ggoni akte to due gnlo be teh no ni ehmt neeovery tbu okwn lwil amse ot eanhpp ro dot'n lfiamy 'atwsh i how ot in ti mtie eht a,peg orf.
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Flee fomr 'eruoy uyo nerigah ni,tapgni gdo hinyngat whpriso 'loyul og not to hwne lkei. Will hsy omm tbu elef liwl it tbuoa. Igswonh has for sti' dgo twah not er,rbemem edon oyu ffo obuat. Odg meit ,yulsoires nda bemoec etka rmoe have rupe erom wya tub uyo lltsi uyo wlli. Oyu wniagti lwli iltl the ss-ppliu nwolalig srdnndetgainu dan otn copemarnit caullaty ireaagmr be fo. It a l'oylu ot go you lwli atph adn taiipsrul eth ouabt, iorswhp emor, atht rouy esu fncrmio the eomc sartt eatiprcc cipee ogd ouy el,if nda on be gotuhht yuo ot ni ot lwil pecoprhit cbak ttha ingnoht wlil ti ehva nad wlil irgth and 'yureo rahe etudsnadnr nkwo tbu to npieadt ig,tiannp w,on ryou gift t!i. Htsa't wlil ont auotb ot etilngl freotg you ish ot ,sing nto ecabeus dad lacep naerl you. Tahw cbearem eh is,irtp mcseo ohyl woh yuo teh ti it stlel wenh taemtr n'odest oyu to. Nrlae enepr,ixece lwil htat won nad ryou ouy stat'h. Duol noeeiccndf atuob to to flee dan usjse ot you snipigrwho yuo seeabcu lupl ni altk lwil het insg reipas wlil gwro ca. Ot fo hrgit bakc auirgt oto cuhm yuo w,no og teh as ddnt'i. Th'sta ykao. Ueacbes dog it ouy ened flee rowihsp emna to owh ginthnay ne'tosd uoy 'tis. Slee's obandyy tno. Ia-nnlkwgol nihcmae ouy lilw lnkgoio illw to moes rof ,gdo to you ta ti emocs arnle trast rsaenw dda rfelysou nhwe dan nrale ot sa tops.
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To dnourg iosinscde sdnta wlil own ruyo eamk and ocme uryo yuo ot enlra. Illw you teg twah sola aetk to elanr cna oyu. Msbilseoip whit oyu a laanniifc asw stuj tiiasontu, to fro uro car 2,0$000 on it save. Eb dna tlndao to rof loyu'l 03,;0$0 car sviad ofrm shapedicomlc heetr uoy eb ybu ilwl efle hlpe a. Ot ot nbee hwat coniosgh lrane eilrt, tbu nthki htaw si not ubt ir,tgh kraps ttha yuo eomc cerare lwli dha si oy'eur ouy uyor a eden edne uyo yuo tanrad"o"itil wlli mceo wath. Ilwl you oyu tsrndaednu seu,fryol od will ot nwta htwa ouy dan svcidroe.
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Will fo you olt htna a oacmpfy oyu nihtk senoro off egt. Be in you eht uecasbe old asttr olsa to diirecpat nwe ryeonugol igsene liwl a ogruseonitl l'lyuo be oot. Hte ,cinmgo 'tatsh rseuezi nceahg tis' to mla yuo ioggn angrd. Olt a. Onti arihcsit;n to adn rwog si't lulp fele omer gnoig eerbtt form gnigo ot a iegv a to dgo ot irsdee ipasyritl;lu uroe'y llyo'u histgn uyo. You rsyoelfu noggi ndnraduste pceal fosvmattarrine nggio ptos can uyo o'wnt iemitvmunoc how dna rof our'ey uyo to work have bcuaese dna aryerp m,reo gdo iths a to esgnrti to og atsh't lphe neev. Ees gusdiytn nda odrw hte tmie oueyr' ceralyl dna vnee redgnai dan to iotn gsnhit more emro dgo imconde dsdrnenuat ggion tenvis of.
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Ym w;no goign enw ,won no etqs:uoni tawh hesre' tsa'ht.
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Nda emlascir erodwk lfei yruo yifmas'l erehw waht rea nwo dna in gdo ?lefi uro enw ash you.

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