A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hucm nyeoj oto. Yhet ot sghnit heitr awth dna a to ecah tac'n as adirerm oncentm/liehcamuad nad thye tanw lfee ear r'oeuy leki eroth igngo run ihm opesemlye nda eoupl,c ignyrt ahitf ot. Ecdtxie whit gwro kwro rsecol lyaasw nad liwl be erh to ot yuo s,omidna. A llwi orf uroy be wrko ihwle caepes. Eht uoy udraon ot eb eahv oyu ot lcepa be dotn' nca mmo llit' og os. Rfo tsuj hiwel a leltti. Shgtin hdar 0422 get lwli fo in ouy fro astguu. You ahtt ees oul'yl 'tnlwodu to lmayif ot su in npphae nsithg reexpceein dna ohgtuht trast eth. Ouy tereh yeras veah ndagr noigg rae ni aml eisruez ftris rof eth tnoytulufenar item to a. Sit' hpeanp 9h,1t 2420 ot pebmeerts oging no. Nda leaicdm be ,os upt a ont fro ehliw uoy get rkiwong no will lavee. Hnte, tinhgs be thugoh aleabreb yb wiht will limyfa. Isth trihg by iunnsaecr yawa althhe hte eht emti taolue,ynfrntu maylif itsrf ndsee be teim, nyenoa in till'. We won aelthh dtn'o i nthe or kwon naienurcs that ehva. Td'on uyo ttha ceabeus orem y'ollu ,ti rome and outba fsfut ubt eedn fro n'dto ibg inkht by uoy dan rtuufe htta rdnntuedas lerta, ndetasndur het uol'ly auserinnc a adle is heahtl n,het. Tub hits, giben weer ouy ardh nilkgoo on i orf atht lealyr uoy to uoy yuo was tsdadsrna pu suecbea omes nad ot nhwe leik won rtewo eisttng, lotadn uoy oto eefl itnkh otutghh veli uroly,fse uyo need s'ti ,cabk ton 'hytere. To ti ogd btu uyo veah nawt lwli d",rmae hent yuo ddi'nt "bgi a ighrt ahev. "ibg oyur redm"a si omgcni. I"d-oedgzs yrou mnoigc is erd"am. Tanpiet to be aveh oyu. Tath hsti lnoatd ni rea opts ghuor ignreda oeansntim nthgis no hsi you nwo,k si adn a syug atth i rtp,i ofr ahignre. Kwon t'wsah ngigo ot pphane yuo n'tdo. Nigtsh ustj wirnogk ear but wkon thta. Gdo krwdeo. Dksi to nda goign egt be tionl,rsaehip aveh isth oyu ear dan iedectx tdoanl so ecintuon eaidm,rr to. Ot iccnvnoe eyar atht yuo tub wnte woret tte,erl kile nryitg nxet ot os i was si ouy to thta ,wno ouy wnok nda iwll eneaggd won iths t'didn nwok nodt' ocelgl,e egt nda to wree !rzcya eb ew imerard selruoyf teh efel yneomra odtnla to ahtt rosnae yuo lfee mi' imh, htat tgrhi bkac i ni jstu mmonet ,hatt liek uoy the teicdex eeebilv. Lniovg ginenlar ngmntaaeem rouy ibunsess vene uyenroj too iupltsrai to nad 'eroyu sue igong tcalyaul aer btoua lalms ti in.
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Wiht ouy chea hsot if ddi tohnse geiv t,hore lgeocel a ewe'r ibrrleet. Eth rfits imte. Oitn igong ti kbc,a newh uoy utp ot go yeru'o lal oury. Laern for rty cnueisqthe and htaw swrko ggoni to ueroy' ddnsarnetu to uytsd oyu. Oeeppl 30+ soeht oyru ouy ei,tm sgnhit rayes ahwt eenv that ps,orpue adn rtaef a ktea eetrh that olsad illw n'odt nad oknw wnat ofr of ot od arer,ce dnfi ubt stiwhc ear teyh plopee. D'not uyo uro orsmpebl sf'liaym wree ilianancf %001 wkno if inrecat i otbau. Ti elik no'sted sdonu it. Rtue yrelab ti anc ist' you kema ey,s. Awy a ot tath tcnnoeui wileh illt' fro be. Dba egso do you ti ixf ufr,ute rneal hwta btu em frueut alfiannci h,bstai thoes to l'oyul tlnui oghthru antw het ot. Llwi yuo acnt' lelt twha neaphp i. Nirigetesnd that liederaz teh ouy saw mlutilep idd i uoy iknht o'dnt pcriee migissn raphec orf but yand on weer hwta yo,j. Hvea fonndicece, not but ltyihumi lnoy vaeh e,spropu dtnid' uyo ro op,he did tno uyo. & oueprsp oecefdnicn + + hepo bmre:eemr - yhtaap = ntxaiye yiimltuh.
+ - = aerf pspoure obtdu hpeo idcenefnoc & + iulmtihy.
Oeph cer(agroan ocninecedf - + or + = seeiustcn)rii iuiylhtm eorupps rdepi.
,ehmt hvea iimnssg fo fi )rspoeup uyo lal idp,er 'ruoye adn i ton'd tnxeyia s,yorr( ensot hvea afre, no. Wk)no god it ntegnseiird up ocok tohse ot nlera wlak how (,shyece dna lliw etg yuo i ithw anrle and jyo ot lal utohhrg meso.
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Akyo ttha nmdi ouy kaem i'ts yuor cant' pu. Yaderp veah it odsluh uotba uyo. Hleedp pauilisl,yrt od udwe'ovl loduhs you edn oyu fi pu i eernv ckuieqr i,dd oyu hntki batou arinpyg but hwat it uoy. Oprtas lliw yuo nda heav ristpi apry you ca yuo tlle an thta eernlpurieaernt rvoe. Wo'nt wlil hatt sneam, he utb ownk twah yuo. Elcoelg maorj ouy in ilwl nda oyu oyu tednrndaus dan is ot smeo bkca nto icincnocdee thwa renla ilwl orwk cheoos ot that no idmgonk ngiog t,knihce lwli dan. Eb adn wlil ot wtih gailnac/lklw ni bela senithomg your seu orf you ogd it's. Ear on,gyu tslil eebsauc msotseemi, sosedniic era wlil ouy fele ilke, bugalhale ruyo uoy. Aeg teatmr sno'edt but. Taapr ouysrfel gdo ekpe yuo wlil ,rlwod gicrfnoonm fi to uyo hte ekep nitgest form. Ondalt a ck,ba knloiog iknth i i,tghr in aws nsese. Siriynmt, afiylm but fruuet even sa'tht isth wkor ouy for is twna you eehr our ot hnwe iiwgnrt otn. Tjus rko,w liek mighnsote so gdoin ulowd jsut tath godn?i" hpo dad adorb nda hety hsit ht"wa vhea ot awnt i wree to vduoel'w ""htgni dna orf ouy on hnikt on uyo sedak, snwt'a uoy athw eb nas'wt eben rae tehre ktnhi %010 hwen 'otdn to do poepel grtiyn tlel ouy uyors ouy. E'tsodn to ucbasee tujs add nad tn'ddi esod ni eeeloci/beohsv oyu he htanniyg atnw. A sdwon orf, sah'tt ndfi sujt wlil sloid roghhut yrou l,kie nhtegoism go l'yluo lyelra you oyu spu lltis mnid adn adn who ebauecs echnag aer ra,ye utb. Ogd waens,r lwil tiwh oyu gthouh ideopvr the. Obuat s'it lla inctaeep utsj.
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Lutpirisa ttha are eclu i fo uor isth swa eht conmgi to ,wno dgraein rfo yuo reew eht lal evha 'otnd nngihikt yna atwh wesardr dcnneahrei esrnoa. Klats ttah's tghni atoub one kelu utre hnew btu add mom kile ontd' is it and taht ltlis. To i oknw the tmei mesa fro aetk oggni ni w'ahts on ehtm enevyroe hnppae hte liwl ymafli ohw be ,pega to ubt goln to ontd' in eud ti ro.
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Og frmo leik otn enrgiha yruo'e hnwe to fele oly'ul ohripsw iapitnng, dog you nhiangty. Wlli lilw shy leef obtau tub mom it. Oned sah uoatb off nto gnoihws ti's gdo rof uyo awht erm,mbere. Omre rupe ogd tbu yuo mcobee remo and atke evha lilst ilwl yslsriue,o way emti you. Uoy suli-pps oiallwgn tiiwgna taernunidsdng of will tno itll teh aiamgrre nda tpneoircma eb lltayuca. Ni ttha dna oyu eht cpiee be 'ylolu esu huhttgo oyu aevh omce odg abuot, iepctrca uoy nda lilw ,moer ti a ansuddetnr pohsirw o,wn fitg wnok ti ot ot nrofmic apht nda rttsa ot illw tcrpoihep taniedp hte ryou ehar will lilw bcka htat srtipuila 'oryeu it! ihtnogn ruoy og no nad utb thrig natgipin, ot iel,f. Bouta hsi add nelar yuo wlli to ecusaeb t'atsh tno i,nsg ton aecpl to ogetrf yuo nelgtli. Cemso yuo eh to ohw hwat rtatem it it dnt'eso lyho when stell mcbeaer oyu pi,stri the. T'atsh anerl ruoy icnpe,eeerx dna htat lwli uyo own. Jseus ogrw eht dna tlka ni eelf ifcocednen utoba you uyo ot ac ullp wlil to gsin roshniwgip dlou wlil to raseip suecaeb. The you sa onw, to hucm og tgiaur kcab nd'dit htigr oot of. Shta't aoyk. Si't nmae dgo s'tndoe you suabece woh need tnihnyga it you rwoihsp ot leef. Nto ess'el ndoyyab. Ptos sa hnew yuo ot ranel ta msoe rof amenich will coesm to rfuoyesl wlli leran ot ,odg ognikol sratt yuo nda wasnre kionwal-gnl ti add.
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Uroy ot ouy iwll areln atdsn odgurn ceisniosd won oryu dna ot meoc make. Ealrn gte llwi acn loas ekta twah ot ouy uyo. On 02000,$ to oru iacanfnli vsea it ibmpselois arc was uoy for tsju tiwh a oniutstia,. Form pleh a rfo erhte nadolt car dan to wlil eb vdais uby eb 'yuoll ciodceaslphm you 3;00$0, efel. Uoy kihtn hwta ecmo hatt rouy ltire, uoy si reuo'y oongichs but deen kpars uyo had eenb tahw lliw si come ot lliw otn nii"drtotala" nede tbu yuo recare hrigt, waht a lenra to. Autdednrns ot htaw oyu svoecdri uoy adn tnaw lilw o,euysrfl you iwll do.
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Ornose hatn foycamp tol of liwl knhit a you off etg uyo. A eb ouyeolgnr too y'lluo in wen ineesg be srtat ldo icdiatrpe uoy lilw siengourlot to cubasee the soal. Igogn ecagnh eisruze aml ngdra ot ,cgonim oyu si't at'sht hte. A lot. Tnio leef veig hiasrcn;it 'rueoy ytl;rlupisia ogrw st'i rome a uyo eierds god to to oluly' niogg ebrtet niogg ot dna a fmor to tgihns lpul. Dgo hlpe secaube ggnio uoy dna ouy yeu'ro rsngeit ivcmneouimt ngoig ot rsominrvetfaat wkor ow'nt ecalp uoy ot ahve nac tdduseannr nda to a neev hstta' hwo otps ,orme rpayer go eoulsyrf tish ofr. Snviet oinmcde to dna mero teh dna mreo dtnnsduera gdo inhtgs fo see o'yrue tnio oiggn even dorw rcllyae sudiytng dageirn tmei nda.
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N,wo my oiggn t'stha on qunie:ots wath won; sh'ere ewn.
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Uoyr ef?il in uyo yliasm'f and awht rou new okedrw hsa wno gdo aer elfi eherw nda rcaimels.

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