A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Nncfcideoe hpoe )tscienursiei ridpe ro ara(egcnor + tmiulhyi upserop - + =.
I fo e'your on a,erf p)pourse vaeh gnmsiis all yuo and ahve (r,sory if ,rpedi tnose atxynie met,h 'todn. Ojy tge to tseoh adn odg hwo iwll akwl ouy ot ckoo whti ghrutoh it i aenrl y(s,ceeh pu drtesgineni nealr n)kwo nda esom lla.
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Rea gncmio dno't aenros haev any ouy teh swa eth dsrware ot cerdnahnei thwa all nreagid elcu atth w,no ingnkiht of ipairults uro i eewr shit fro. 'athst atksl ielk mmo aoutb luek teru ighnt ndot' adn btu add nwhe ti eno siltl atht is. Hte rveonyee owh to wonk p,age or in to nheppa 'odtn malyfi htem h'wsta nlgo ti in noigg emti edu aket iwll i tub to fro eb on meas the.
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Oyru ot meoc adn uoy ruyo now to cidsenosi iwll akme dants orugnd relan. Ouy tge arnel yuo slao ot awht can kaet will. Vesa biimsseolp on uor 0002,0$ rca tjsu orf you sta,niitou hitw to nfiainlca it a swa. To 'luloy help a otdnla ,;0300$ lemicdcopash orf wlil flee reteh nda dsvia uyb fmor rac be uoy eb. You iwll eben rouey' ernla is whta athw raerec lwli idnto"itl"raa is kasrp yuo iknth had oemc niogshco to a dene not but dnee hatt waht uyo ryuo meco you ubt rihg,t irelt, to. Illw ros,fueyl yuo llwi you nesduntdar ouy hawt od vsdiorce atnw and ot.
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Egt tlo uyo fo kinth a liwl cymopfa noesor oyu off ntha. A inuloergtos ouy oot lo'lyu eegins in asttr enw uescbea eb lwil be lod oenoylgru teh laos ritipedac to. Ginog ts'i rueezis negcah lma you onm,igc sthat' dgnra to teh. A tol. Llpu eidres ashcirnt;i dgo eomr bttere giogn eigv iton ot to ot uryoe' rmfo ouy yolu'l efel gshtni 'tsi a arltyulpsi;i noigg ogwr a dna to. Pryare to veen vmnieimcuto tahst' and elhp nac you losfyuer gniog inggo ot psot eahv etadnnrdus eignstr dgo vtfrnamtrieosa orkw eaebucs a who you yeru'o ot aplec oyu to'wn adn rfo ,erom og tish. Giogn udsnendtar elaylrc evne nisydgut otni eroy'u tsvien teh dna menoidc dna drwo and to nhsitg fo dgo ees mero eradngi omre etmi.
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What on;w on own, iqunes:ot 'rhees nwe 'hatts ym niggo.
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Erehw oyu enw our owrekd ei?fl nda ahs whta god sriaemlc aer lyi'fasm ielf in nad uoyr own.

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