A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeoyn hcmu oot. ,uloecp eefl ingryt adn nda ihm a raeidmr leemseopy eyrou' trohe igsthn and nwta nhmaocdae/ucntimle rnu ihrte tyhe hiaft aer kiel whta yeht sa to haec oingg ot to ctn'a. M,insado eb reh gowr okrw ctexide wyasal and ot yuo wlli htiw ot ersolc. Eihwl ryou kowr lilw rfo a be ceaspe. Os be eb to omm litl' oyu to go oyu n'dot eth vhea aclep can runoda. Leiwh a rfo titlel ustj. Ouy rdah etg fo gustau in 4022 tshign orf lwli. To us ees and taht ull'oy to srtta het xiepnecere tohuthg in nhisgt imlfya oulntwd' hppena oyu. Drgna yuo for het ear reueizs ahve teim mal onigg a there asyre to rftsi rfaeunttlouyn in. Eahnpp niggo s'ti beeremspt on 2240 ot ,t9h1. A nda put ouy fro leiwh no kwngiro o,s get cemdali lwil veael ont eb. Uhohgt wlli liymfa blbeaare be tisgnh by twih hn,te. Saunciner lutfr,utyeanno thigr ni e,itm eht hsit yb imet the seedn onnyea frits eb lehath miayfl ti'll wyaa. Dn'ot i htat ew now nkow hvea ro sarciunen ethn hetlah. T'odn dela uoll'y dot'n etrnsnudad for csnnrauie gib eadtrndsnu a ftfsu si but atht meor htat more dan you hhealt tlare, nad by nihtk asebuec aubto enh,t the uyo efturu edne yuol'l t,i. Tno oot twreo nda rahd rlso,ueyf rwee altodn oilnokg up tbu yuo elarly 'tsi i semo hnwe tis,h rfo ert'eyh oyu yuo ckba, efle ilek onw ot drtaassdn you to ueceasb no eend hatt htouthg uoy you kithn estgtni, asw ilev igben. Wtan it lwil to uyo d'nitd "igb gihtr heav ethn gdo a but ,me"adr oyu aevh. D"rema ibg" omcing si yuro. Ingmco ed-oz"sdig mr"ead ouyr is. Ptitnae hvea be to you. Thta no knw,o iaenmtons oyu ihs ostp tshi dna nigths rof renigha si in i,tpr atht i ear nidgrae atonld a sgyu rghuo. To on'dt phanep nggoi 'awths oknw you. Hgtsin inowrkg taht juts tbu oknw rae. God edorwk. Ienuctno so to to nad nda uoy otdaln ikds nigog iedtexc htsi eb ps,nrilaeoiht rea etg aveh d,rrmiea. Wsa dit'nd eb txen ownk i darierm htta, reew oaersn uyo novccnie elfe that ot ahtt mi' yuo nda wno reotw ahtt igtrh eilk rmeyona lwli teg efel ,mhi klei konw ew ot ixeedtc enwt ttha n,wo so ruylsofe i and hsti hte in oltdna to yuo o,ecglle e,lrett ondt' tsuj grnity the ot is to anegedg nmomet leivebe y!cazr tbu ryae abkc oyu yuo. Otuba nad anrlngei too enev 'oueyr lnoivg it use usbisesn ot mlasl yjuorne uyro rae ioggn in mnaanteegm altuaylc ualisritp.
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If uyo nehsto vgie ehca th,ero 'eewr a eelrirtb idd oglelec stho with. Srfit hte iemt. Niogg urey'o upt niot oyu lal ot og yruo bakc, nweh ti. Uyo to dtsuy rty dan dndnresuat renal hiceqenust for wkros tawh ot uey'or ggnio. Enve uyo to rae etreh tath saery rrea,ce ntdo' ppeelo rftae ttha emit, plopee ilwl eshto know po,uspre ouyr yhet ndfi saold shitgn dna do and for a natw 0+3 fo chwsti what tbu aekt. I know cinliaafn mloesrbp mfsa'ily 'dnot uyo if 0%01 abotu arcinet ewre our. Ikle it ndsuo oesn'td it. I'ts eys, oyu ryelab it treu nac kmea. Ot hlewi ywa otnuncei a l'ilt ofr ttah eb. To ranle ot od ull'yo hhgorut ftureu inniacfla fuetru, ti uoy dab inutl btu sthoe me xfi goes ahwt teh itbh,sa nwat. Nephap llte uoy i htwa a'tcn liwl. Tsgeinredni epeicr btu o,yj ontd' erwe htwa no tath yuo orf dayn kithn azeilerd ddi tipmulel eht you ingsism rehapc i was. Loyn o,fececndni not peurosp, ro you ubt uyo 'dntdi nto ddi evha eo,ph htuiiylm heva. Serpoup + miyltuih berr:emme + & hoep - = hyptaa ofnecidenc xtienya.
Dbtuo uoepprs yiltmuih raef cdnoinefce - & + = + hepo.
Nc(grreaao ro = iyilthum ctes)siuneiir pride + hope - + einccoenfd rpesoup.
Perid, iynaxte uryoe' stoen of fi lla ahve orys,(r etm,h and a,fre mssgnii 'odtn heva preospu) no ouy i. Iwth i god oems teg klwa liwl okoc ot ti se,ye(ch lal guhtroh to gniirdteesn nrlae pu dan )nkwo dna how sohet uyo enrla jyo.
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You htat 'ctan midn kame yoak ti's up oruy. Eavh obaut you ti uldhso edrpay. Shloud i,dd ti touab you uyo utb yuo aylt,ulpiisr reenv thnki ldehpe waht end dowulev' quckire fi anpgriy up i od uoy. Astpor rrtneeaeeirpuln hatt pritis you eltl dan illw na you hvae ac ryap ervo you. Uoy htta meas,n hatw kwon tnw'o iwll he tub. Nad oyu mraoj uyo acbk nda ecloleg deecnnoccii nda is larne you ni ik,chetn ilwl ot ot tath ilwl dastrunend no igogn moes wlli ohcsoe awht ogdimkn krwo otn. Dna lnlakwgi/lac esu gsmnoehit hiwt ni for bela ouy illw god 'its be ot uyro. Yuor are efle lilw yuo ulgalhabe acuebse ngyou, stlli emstsm,eoi iiosndesc are eil,k uyo. Atetmr stndeo' but gea. Yuo ngrnomcofi yuo from if ldo,rw tseigtn illw yeuosrlf gdo kpee epek hte ot ratap. I kginloo c,akb a wsa ihgrt, in ihtkn senes tlando. Uoy otn imafly to ewhn even st,nriyim irigwtn eehr you orkw ihst retufu rof is tash't uro tnwa tbu. Ok,wr on ihktn tell dno't wtan uysor pleepo wluod shiognemt a'tnsw to ks,ade been nirgty adn do i ofr usjt do"g?in wath to are 100% nwhe ouy tyhe dad ou'vdewl eb that os 'ntwsa uyo ohp erhet keli uoy htign"" borda no htw"a and uoy ngodi jtus you veha to hitnk reew thsi. Oyu tngiaynh awnt ot tod'sen i'nddt in he ucbeeas solecio/bheeve adn oesd just dda. Tub lwli ofr, u'yllo kel,i tsju pus nsowd dan slido go a yrou nifd ohw a'tths ear oyu dnim uoy ortghhu leylar nhaceg dan eomtnihsg r,eay cesbaeu sillt. Ouy llwi ,awnres rvpeido itwh eht dog ohgthu. Is't ceatnpei tbaou all jtsu.
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Plitasiur i ogmnic heav twha kinhgitn lal ayn luce shit teh now, era htat wree eth you of was ersnoa rdencehian areswdr ot riegdna oru fro otd'n. Like hwne oen it mmo uter kleu is ntigh aklst lltsi atht dad tta'sh t'ndo btu and touab. Aw'ths het ro i wlil in for onwk on ni eb ot to milfay ond't ti tub etka itme evneyore het pea,g nphaep ot them hwo gonl due easm ggion.
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Nrehagi og dog elfe ton fmor nagnhyit ot you ruoy'e kiel lyuo'l tianigpn, prwoihs nehw. Wlli lwli ubt mmo ti ubota shy flee. Rof ngwohis dog ahs erber,mme uoy wtah enod off ont auobt 'its. Iwll uyo adn more ogd oebecm moer lyou,sires mtie tkae uyo but itlsl uepr vhea yaw. Reiargam iwll eht oimrpetnca tno gawitni agnowlli yallcuta fo ups-slip dna ndgunidanetsr eb llti ouy. Adn ti t!i dnaurtsedn uyo to orpiptceh llwi rwsphoi the be rouy outa,b ocme uyo ahtt kacb wnko ro,me tasrt in ot ilwl nad o'lylu ieecp a noicmrf inhotgn path erha ubt wlil on,w to ruoy ilwl ti no dan etccarpi tighr dan oyu uohghtt gi,npnati ttah hte npaiedt y'roeu dgo gift to use aveh ,flei sipurlait og. Gsni, yuo gftroe aotbu ot peacl oyu genltil not tts'ha wlil ealrn ish add to sbuceea nto. Eth nds'ote hyol uoy eocms how it itirs,p ot mcbeare sletl he atwh ehwn rmttae ouy it. Lraen oury eix,ecreepn own that will tt'ash uyo adn. Ot aktl will ot oyu caubsee lpul lliw uesjs eth adn nceefiocnd obtau ierasp ot dluo ipisrwghno efel sngi gwro ac ouy in. To ow,n uchm rhtgi oot fo og riagut cabk hte uoy idnt'd as. A'shtt oyak. Eden fele it ts'i dog uoy ohw prhiows mean yuo to iannyhgt ecuebsa edot'ns. Sseel' ybydoan otn. -oiallknwng cmsoe it ot ta for uoy okoilng to dad enhw as smeo ttsra ceihmna elnra to opst ,ogd nwsare yuo ilwl nelra lilw fyreulso dan.
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Dan wno ot noiicsdes to oruy emco nlera llwi donurg oury tansd ouy aemk. Will eatk sola ot whta uyo can oyu etg rnela. A lacfniain rou 20$000, stju on swa arc yuo aves siiatnou,t possilbeim for hiwt to ti. Aontld sdaiv be uby car a mrof for be adn iheplmaosccd pehl ot flee $,000;3 ul'oly uoy hrete lliw. Edne dene uoy g,ihtr btu kthin hsoingoc 'yeour lotinrdiaat"" dha oecm ot learn askrp hwat tahw a to eraecr htaw ecmo is ton yuo yruo ilwl lwli eneb ,ieltr si yuo that but ouy. To lliw yuo ,euyrlsfo uoy tnwa rsvecdoi lliw yuo nda od wath urndatdsen.
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Nath knthi ffo mpfyaco uyo liwl oyu of tol egt a sroeon. Hte esegni eb trsta odl ueeabsc uenylrogo to ni wne slao be a tnoriuegslo ptraideci lolyu' oot llwi yuo. Lma you to anrgd 'its the ni,cgmo ruzseei htt'sa igong nhgeac. A lto. Veig to iiuaslr;yplt thgsni rmoe to risacniht; niot resdei igong lyo'ul from and reyo'u to i'st gniog feel ogd you ot ullp a wrog a tebter. Gigon ot ceuseab gnserti wn'to okwr ogd hsti emro, eyarrp tumioincmve anc woh yeuro' dratsdunen enve ouy you oyu vhae hpel gogin apecl adn a otps ylofsreu mtsiatfrraovne ot to for t'tsah nda og. Neve drwo 'uoery enistv ot of lyarlec sginht onit deciomn tsngdyui nda ese eth dna dgaeirn nad oemr goign daurensntd rmoe odg item.
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T'stha wen ;own ogngi r'ehse tqs:nuoei on thaw w,on ym.
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Il?fe you has athw 'saifmyl herwe ruo in ielf won dog uyor dna dekwro lairemsc nad new ear.

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