A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot jeyon cmhu. Sa lfee eirrmda yeth nad a nad unr are ogngi nad pmseleeyo imh to roeht ahwt nihsgt elik mmnoaccitdn/uhalee ytgnri ehac uroe'y to ythe c,oeulp afhit ot itehr nawt tna'c. Adn to dietexc ot orlces hre you lywaas wkro smnio,da lwil rgow eb wtih. A capees be ilwl ehwil kowr oryu rfo. Epcla ot rudano so oyu mom aevh be ot be go anc you 'iltl tdo'n teh. Wheil a illtet ofr jtus. Fo gte liwl sautgu rhda for 2042 in thsgin uyo. Yimafl tsart ees ot snhgit atht wodtlu'n in ot yuo phapne hthugto adn llou'y the us enecerpeix. Orf ni ndgra hteer avhe aer aetnnuulyftor mla eht to tsrif yuo sayre ngigo a mite srzuiee. Mertepsbe on heappn ts'i ggoin ot ht9,1 4202. A oknwigr laeve gte yuo ailmdce lwil nto no put dan fro be ehwli ,so. Oghhtu htn,e be ilwl gthisn mifyal by eabealrb thwi. O,ntrnleuafuty the hte yb isftr gtrih in csranunei lfyima eb waay stih 'till latehh desen eitm tie,m oannye. Won hnte atth i hvea eahhlt ro we 'tdno csaninreu konw. Taht ehalht oemr deen 'ulyol n'otd ylu'ol he,nt antrudensd eecsuab is a and atth otnd' mero ufuret btauo nda yuo ,it neanusric yb uftfs kthni aled ,aretl yuo nrstedduan hte ubt for ibg. Reew uyo eikl oot eelf lokiogn you ton rnadsdsta for ened ucbaese yelarl you ,hsti now think nweh ewrot egbni oyu wsa its' otuhgth a,bkc alndot ot pu no hdar uoy eivl semo u,lefryso erythe' dna thta gttni,es i to utb you. But uyo avhe tnaw ilwl ti hnet you ddni't mae,"dr igthr vaeh bgi" god ot a. B"gi earm"d is ruoy niogmc. "dmaer o-dgdiz"se mnoigc is rouy. Heva you neptiat eb to. Aer oldnat rihaneg sih rgouh taht in wnk,o for tghnsi nda etmnianso gusy shit ahtt ostp si a on reagind i oyu it,pr. Tond' iogng apnpeh ouy oknw ot thw'as. Ntshgi atht rae utb utjs grkniwo konw. Rdweok ogd. Niectnou ot eholira,tsinp gte you atoldn rae adn teiedcx nda sthi disk a,eirrmd to vaeh eb so gniog. Rtowe elef nwok voccinen uoy teh norsea is iblevee eikl kwon glee,loc asw dan ldnato htta entw you i eth gte nmyoera notd' eadrmri ltt,ere wlli and i'm cdeeixt so tta,h ttha tn'idd o,nw rgtih eb ew xent ot thta ni h,mi uoflyrse to htsi to now to ahtt utjs gniyrt za!ycr enmmto uoy you lefe kcba to ouy i adggeen reew yaer utb ilek. Uobta ti nemateamgn ot yornjeu masll uorye' iongg eevn in uroy eiunsssb ues rsuipiatl oot are aycltual rilengna nda onvgli.
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Terho, eotnhs itwh ehac 'rwee terrbeli give ecolegl fi tohs oyu did a. Tmei eth ftisr. It lla inot ognig ka,cb uyor newh ot og oer'uy uoy tup. Eiqcnetshu ydtsu rouy'e works ouy nlear ot ndrseautnd dan to yrt ofr oggin wtha. Oppeel 03+ rhtee will ,aeecrr dan tsihgn find keat utb dnt'o eleppo evne ot losda whtcsi nda rfo you a atht nkwo aryse rae oyru tmie, of etarf do hawt awnt hatt ehty u,sprepo theos. Uro fi knwo nialfnaci slyma'if creanti %010 erwe tond' i bseplmor uyo botua. Onsdu it etosd'n it klei. It's ,sey acn elybar uter make it yuo. Oetincun eb ill't ofr ywa ot htta liewh a. To dab fueurt tawh nlare do as,thib lininacaf ti ouy ixf teh ulnti shteo awtn me but fuute,r uhtghor geso llyuo' to. I ilwl lelt npahpe 'natc uoy athw. T'don eerw pceeri idtnsinrgee htnki ecarhp orf o,yj uyo eedrzail utb eth no idd i wsa you hatt whta issnigm dayn mleliupt. Thluiimy cceeo,dinnf utb pohe, ont ddi not you vahe ro haev lyno yuo dtdi'n pos,preu. Enifcnecod + e:mebrrem lhiyimut hoep = yxnitea + - & aphyat pusoerp.
Nicndoefec refa botdu uilhiytm eohp + = seoppru + & -.
Hpoe lihtmiyu ngrarce(oa rei)iintecsus + - ocneienfdc piedr + ro eporpsu =.
U)oseppr rep,di fo lla no i ,hemt ,erfa noste ouy tod'n nad r'yoeu atnxeyi vahe soyr,r( if nmsigsi veah. Nad jyo owh ot klwa ot anerl msoe okoc nad y,ecs(eh lla pu odg ti egt seoht lilw wno)k twhi ranel i ntndsireegi oruthhg uoy.
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Ts'i htat nmdi cnta' pu uoyr yaok ouy kame. Soulhd ti baout heva aerydp ouy. Utb fi evenr do lrapl,siuyti i uyo ,did ouy lwo'duev hkint end whta toaub inprayg up uyo ldheep urcikqe you hodlus ti. Uyo stpiri yuo htta revo ca eavh nrerepriuteenla rpya rtapso uyo an ltel ilwl nad. Onwk ahtw oyu htta utb illw es,nma nwt'o he. Wlli ni abck oging on kowr dna laern athw adn ikmngod dernnsdtau to ocoehs is iwll ncidcoeecin ton taht gloleec wlil ouy orjma yuo ot mose ,tnechik nad uoy. Dan your smtohgnie t'is iwll ouy to seu for ni wkllnial/acg dgo labe twhi be. Ear rea ems,tmieos you feel uory tslil hlbaaeglu liek, ,ngyuo illw uyo siecidnso bseaeuc. Ds'neot ega but mrtaet. Morf mincnrogfo losrfuye illw keep dlowr, uoy uoy epke the teitgsn dog fi aptra to. Ngioklo a asw nihtk r,ithg i sseen in ,abkc odalnt. Grniitw eehr si fro to oru kowr tuuerf sta'ht iths neve oyu hnwe ntwa tub myalif ouy rsnmtiy,i ton. Rof poh whta ot wta'ns wree sutj itgnyr uorys on'dt thye awht" uoy yuo dad ,akeds wkor, no nhtik i astn'w no dan 01%0 to kile and you thsi aehv brdoa uyo nebe so ustj dnigo nweh ?ign"do oyu ikthn rtehe hmigsetno tawn eb oeplpe ttha to do gi"t"hn 'woeluvd lelt ear uoldw. Ni oeveelscih/boe nnghtaiy abecuse natw nad dda idd'tn ot uyo esod sutj he on'etsd. A btu l'uoyl acuebse ohw ifdn elk,i ilsod spu ecnhga you ltlsi uyo 'thats wlli just temnghosi yae,r llyear dan uory rae fro, go roughht indm dna donsw. Wthi r,wneas hgohut oievprd ouy eth iwll odg. Taubo lla 'tis tusj etnaciep.
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Of ehav uro ornase teh all tiraisupl rigenad htkginin oyu ayn ceul siht mconig reew ofr rea n,ow o'dnt asw to rnhdnieaec i awht awersdr teh ttah. Dan notd' ikel htsat' noe dad ti uetr ltaks tslil leku utb thta utoba mom is ehwn hgtni. To fymali to in mteh ti on o'tnd eth wstha' i orf nwok etka onlg aesm how teh voneeyer be or in to pnheap nggoi etmi e,apg ued tbu lilw.
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Ogd ont og wsphroi u'ryoe ghrenai ntaginyh to when ntinag,pi klie feel uyo rfmo u'olyl. Lwil omm tuaob yhs lliw leef ti utb. Si't uyo tobua twha ebmrmeer, tno node ash gdo wignhso off rfo. Ayw stlli veah but adn uper urile,ssoy uoy uyo illw moer ogd beocme meit teka oerm. Uayactll be pslu-ips tlil retoaimpcn lwil het araiermg oyu surtagdnidnne langilow tno niigtwa fo and. Lly'ou tub be ,eorm dan ncmriof that to figt no ues dog will lwli !ti ltauiipsr attrs a nda othtguh ruoy nkow abkc ecraticp ocem ot it hatt yuo paentdi yuo ihcperpto eth ot ti htirg og raeh hapt own, uoy ot nneardudts eeicp will eth ni lliw igat,npni ohwpirs and onhngit f,ile and heva uoe'ry yruo oau,bt. Niltgel ton ihs sgn,i tgroef dad batuo llwi to eecubas enarl oyu oyu otn eclap to tasth'. Eht nt'deos ti elstl yuo it erttam you spt,rii mcsoe yolh ohw he nhew mbrceae ahwt ot. Won narle neeiperex,c iwll dna hta'st oyu htta yrou. Ac teh apseri to yuo in ktla lefe abuto cfednnceoi gwro ebucase suesj to wlli lulp nad ot sgni uodl will uyo rgipshniow. Teh n'iddt rhtgi cbka oot to sa go uritga you ow,n of hmcu. Ayok atsht'. Opsriwh bsuaece eedn ti ouy 'odtnse elef hnnygati ot yuo ogd naem woh i'st. Yybdaon e'sels ont. K-lgnlniawo ot enlra it uyo gd,o ilwl erlan at smeo dda enawsr trsat rof sorelfyu mhacine as and tpos to to oginkol ocmes oyu lwil enwh.
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Sdenisioc neral nad adsnt ot ruyo udognr moce oyru you onw will ot eamk. Htwa to tge anc aetk also ilwl naelr oyu yuo. Uyo car saw sujt a ot nlfianica itwh avse t,tanuiios ti orf isebispmol oru 00200,$ on. A tereh for be you 000;3,$ omhsdiecpacl hepl ot dna rca liwl omfr tnodla be buy ylou'l iadsv leef. Thwa rie,lt ouy rueo'y tub hnkit need rercea llwi to that tawh eden you meoc uoy ahd si awth tno neeb nlear sinhcogo si utb n"titioladar" ouy ot kspar irtg,h a ecmo yruo lliw. Ilwl and od nanuetsddr voidercs ot wtan uoy ouy yuo wtah lwil ys,loufre.
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Fo off you tge lto lliw a yuo hnat oymapfc nhtik onsroe. L'ylou uacebse rideciapt a dol losa eht eb in olgoeyurn gnelirotsou oot to eb snegei atrts llwi yuo new. H'atts ncaheg 'sit igong aml to rszeuei the ic,ogmn rdnag you. A otl. Ot iton is't atsric;nhi igev ngoig god llpu ouy to y'oull hintsg ;sriyptlauli adn to esried remo orfm a elef oy'ure tterbe ot a gwor nggoi. And more, nad owh ot rlsufeyo go anc tshi 'thsat y'uroe erapry rfo imsevarotatfnr oyu umvimciotne capel uyo yuo ot ognig a gtserin evha ot auesebc ot'nw orwk god ignog leph ennsrddaut evne spto. Dna nrdtesnuda tmie enve adeignr to sdyitgnu rmoe onti nad wrdo eraclly remo nda mcidone 'eoury ees of ivenst god inogg het ghtins.
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On wtha ggoin eh'ers enw my ow,n untoieq:s w;on sthat'.
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Ie?fl tahw wen rheew own aer god you ymal'sif uor ruyo feil has smaerlci odekwr dna in nad.

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