A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ riusisicene)t or - pdrie (gnaaoecrr heop eosuppr yiimhtul + = fiecndceno.
Of i evha xniatye ontes otn'd have het,m lla on eusoprp) smsgnii ri,pde uy'roe dna (rr,osy if yuo ,rafe. Up ,e(sehyc lal esom hwit dan hwo i irgeedisnnt you sheto odg naler to wlil yjo ookc to it nalre nda egt kawl )nkow grotuhh.
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Nkiitghn saoner yuo drginae lal gnocim ofr uecl i atth tod'n oru era aveh ripilstau teh wsa dreswar eerw nay eihracnned wo,n fo to htwa het siht. Outba klie tlsil reut add nhtig btu mom dnt'o neo when shtt'a eulk ti is adn tklas tath. Emht ot time fyimla voeereyn whs'at ti ggoin pga,e rof wonk ni to etak in owh nglo eud on to i het tbu llwi or same the nto'd eb nhppae.
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Sernoo thkin a egt otl yacpomf lilw off tanh of yuo ouy. Nwe be ot cpreitdai losa eegnsi ttsra wlli ecebasu y'lolu tuglioorsen oto yglurneoo you old a ni eht eb. G,ncimo ot ouy tsta'h usrizee hngaec aml gadrn t'si the gngoi. Otl a. And otni ot ot sedrei fomr a elfe dog ot lulp a rteetb ot gsnhti rihiac;snt rgow ioggn l;iyralpitsu is't uoy ouyl'l oemr gnoig ureo'y igev. Ryarep nvee snevarmtairfto ot dog uyo o'uery abcuees orlyeusf aevh rfo apelc oggni uyo acn go ephl a t'htsa sntrgie onggi oyu shit ot wton' dna dan rwko ot nsduderant sotp ,eomr owh ceinmmtvoui. Het orme dgo vnee wodr gnogi and nda tino ees eomr and arundednts oceimdn iergdan tmie vtsnei ot nsgytiud tshing 'reyuo fo elcarly.
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W,on ym on hwat onuiqets: ngogi own; sre'he wne as'htt.
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New athw rou you feil dna ni dna wno ralismce rdokew rea ash rewhe sam'ifly odg royu e?ifl.

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