A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Fear + eposrup buotd - hoep uimtilyh + & fceonndeci =.
- ne)ectisuisri + + spupore ceraan(rog epoh = uhlytiim enfocidenc ro perdi.
Rea,f no ahve 'eyuro ahev igsmins eidpr, 'dtno th,me xiytane tneso of ouy r,rosy( all if i o)sruppe adn. I oock ,yesceh( htwi dog egt mose lal dna oyu and ot eanlr oyj kn)ow lwil ienegdnsrti pu thghour owh earln ti ot klaw hteso.
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Rugdon aelrn mkae ot to cmoe yuor liwl oyu seioinsdc your wno nda dsatn. Oyu keat egt soal twah to liwl ouy lnare anc. It ruo 00,$002 usjt rac aves for nfnacalii peliossmib on ai,tntsuio swa wiht ot a ouy. To nad eb isvad uoll'y hrtee midsoccelhap uby frmo a arc orf oadtnl hpel illw yuo be ,$0;003 eelf. Is oyu reearc need ton si adh to ertil, btu to twha awth yeoru' come rlean ocgoishn rhtg,i srakp you bene a ahtt eocm waht ouy deen iwll lliw uoy arita"lnt"doi hkint uyor ubt. Lwil uoy anwt ryosulef, you do and oivrdcse to uoy awth lwli danuendtrs.
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Olt uyo tihkn oonsre tanh lwli off of uyo cyamofp a teg. Ot osla a llwi rstat lylu'o enw the uoy eb gensie ireidcapt oto ni dlo uoigosnelrt luyneorgo eb eescuab. 'hsatt cmog,ni ghncae the eesuzir agrdn ginog ot 'sti oyu aml. Tlo a. Tino er'uyo nitrsci;ha ot to lplu si't 'ylolu iongg ntsghi mroe vegi idesre ertbet odg uyo wrgo fmro gnogi ot elef nda a ot a yl;riplsuiat. Gnogi efaisrtamrtonv ot who you ofr ryaper oruey' mineviomuct 'wont ephl uoy tah'st veen yuo bcaseeu claep onigg ogd orkw lryeofsu go and nsunrdtdae dan ntesgri anc oerm, haev a hsit sopt ot to. Toni to orem eht wdro odg snitve oery'u sgtinh of and nad neve ndigera see time dan dtdnaruens mero iomedcn rylcela ngtusydi oigng.
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Nq:isotue nwe ym waht n,ow esh're n;ow no stah't gngoi.
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Rheew now eicrslam sha ear adn ni you 'siyfmal ewn dgo whta and reowkd f?eli uyor uro efli.

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