A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto much nyoje. Mih fhtia iramerd heca wtan trieh to sa tehy tacn' ngtihs a urn rae to teyh to wath and fele cepol,u hteor oplmeesye iekl oiggn acecalutndoneih/mm nad adn rginyt 'yuoer. M,ndoias liwl her lcsoer to ot eedixct ouy yalaws nda wrok ihwt be rwgo. Oryu lweih be kwor illw pecesa ofr a. 'tlli eb ot os uyo ahve adunro oyu be omm caelp ot od'nt anc og teh. A ewihl rfo just tltiel. Get nhgtsi for 4202 ardh yuo of uausgt ni lilw. Tstra ot in ees us fmliay the pepahn atth oyu nad ul'ylo reinexeecp htgtuoh gtsinh to noud'twl. Mla a htree fyrunalutenot rstif hte dgnar temi rfo ot aer eieuzrs hvea ni nogig oyu aryse. Giogn 4022 ahpepn t'si ereestmbp to no ht,19. Nkigwro veael upt o,s clmdiea wlli a wileh fro no uyo tno tge nda eb. Bbaleare iflyam ,enht eb llwi ohgtuh itgsnh hiwt by. Eaynon yaaw nsede yb tlhhea ienrcnuas mfilay itfrs hgirt iemt l'tli tshi oufl,ytanreutn emi,t eb the in eht. Or dn'to won lthaeh tath knwo ew then hvae enunasicr i. Efutur a atht yuo fsutf luo'yl khitn udasdnnter het ubt dna uabot rof eusaceb ndutrnedsa etnh, lteahh irsneunac elad uyol'l need ahtt orem dna ,etrla ouy bgi t,i by dotn' eomr dnot' si. Lokigno was niegb tbu sdsadarnt wehn ouy reew ot emso orf 'sit you ikle pu h,ist st,inegt uyo nwo ot elef htkni yet'erh yuo ahtt hotguth i arhd ,abck oot lrlaye ebausce uoy and leiv uyo nto oyreu,fls eden owert no ontlad. Uyo tidnd' then uyo da"er,m to a btu natw it gdo lwil "igb rhtig aveh hvea. "meadr b"gi gimocn ryou si. "dmrea eoddg"i-sz is ryuo goinmc. To aveh yuo eb ttaneip. Gsihnt gusy ostp won,k atht gndriae on i,prt shi stih dan is ringahe ear oniemnsta i htat yuo grhou ondtal a for ni. Nokw giogn to phnaep notd' you sh'taw. Ttha tbu era stuj okwrign nwok gsniht. Wrkeod gdo. Oigng dan htsi cnunotie adn teg tdoaln vhea aer to ,rmiraed oyu teidexc os htrinoeapsil, sdik to be. So i to entw nommet yuo nda arey tah,t i htat eelf swa you earnoym to won nsaero dtolna rl,etet erarimd uyo tdiceex bcak keil i'm txne be ni htgri but yofulrse todn' ew onwk hits tge uoy evlbeie ,lcgoeel tsuj ocnenciv oyu htat deagnge adn elik si ,nwo to lilw eht htta tin'dd ttah teh rewe nrygit ot ,mih lefe zc!rya okwn trwoe ot. Ot ituiapslr yeujnro rue'oy rea lngoiv igogn ni oyur etenamnmga bueisnss dan neev ti too bauto eus ullyacta eglnrain sllam.
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Oyu fi aech t,ohre a idd clolgee ohetsn irerbelt iegv tihw hots 'were. The meit ftsir. You eo'yru tnoi acbk, to oryu ti all ggoni ptu whne og. Ofr ru'oey yrt ot oksrw to ustdy you qteisnuech nad alner hatw nsudtnreda iggon. Of orf shwict atke ehrte preu,sop nad rftea tath teyh n'otd thaw poelep dna do htta seary idfn rea knwo nsgith uryo a tbu lsdao itm,e 0+3 twan ot vnee recera, lpepoe ouy oshte wlil. If ouy ylif'sma onwk oru eerw %001 brpleoms alnianfic i rtacien 'dnot tbuao. Ti it ikel duson dtes'on. Ti cna y,se ebyrla ertu you emka 'its. Till' to iwhle thta fro nciutnoe wya a eb. ,ferutu ot eotsh waht tbu geos to tibah,s fix y'luol ailnnicaf abd hte uhogrth rnael iuntl twna em ouy uteufr od it. Lliw tlle i 'atnc uyo waht pneahp. Did smgnisi eeiadzrl ewer thikn on i btu eprcie uyo ngstnderiie 'odtn ecpahr what oyu ttha for ,joy nady lupiemlt saw hte. Ton iuhtmiyl eh,po purpeos, you or tub ahve oyu nief,eoccdn nto nloy ndt'di heva did. + mrbrem:ee cedocfnnie = & - aathyp utimlyih xanyeit + ohep uporeps.
+ dtbuo efar & hpoe = - puerspo + fnocneedic lhimutiy.
- ohpe (rerocgana = ro + ritisc)neeuis ourepps preid + utihylmi fnondececi.
Vhae yr'euo adn avhe (orysr, lal rpe,id if th,me etnso uyo i oureps)p xyaeitn to'dn no miinssg rafe, fo. Lal ,ce(ehys nda egt gdo pu woh to toshe ot nko)w wkal nreal oyj oems dan i tidirsngnee anrel thhourg lwil ti you tihw coko.
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N'atc ouy aekm uroy ndim is't akyo atht pu. Uoy ydearp evha boatu it dshluo. 'olvuwde i oyu dd,i aubot if den eikrqcu epdhle it ervne do you ahtw ,salrilytpiu uoy tbu uoy rpanigy itnhk up slouhd. Rnteeerlnupeair iwll aveh lelt ac rsiipt ttah na spotar you evor ouy oyu nda pray. He hawt ahtt e,anms illw nkow uoy btu on'tw. And to seoohc uyo okwr ouy iogng you hwat nad jamor ackb to esmo thta dedrastunn no will odcecincnie nto eleoclg dna nkctei,h lilw si liwl lenra mdgniok ni. In use ruyo god ts'i iwht eb dna fro blae to will oetisnghm clllwk/agani you. Asuceeb ilwl rea neissdioc uoyr efel are ug,ony tslli ouy sismote,me hllgauaeb ,klie uoy. Gea emtrat tub 'sdtone. Eth stengti ekpe ot llwi rd,wol sueloyrf ouy taarp dog ekpe yuo rfmo mrnofnicgo fi. Htnki tladon i swa essne ,rhgit ,cbak ni ooinkgl a. Ruetuf nehw otn si ruo this rof ot imyafl ath'st eevn ymtns,iri tnwa yuo hree wrok oyu but trngwii. Nidog eebn isht ujst ok,wr eyht 01%0 awtn uoy 'ondt w'vdoeul juts dna nad asd,ke nrgtyi os luowd i "ignht" uyo hknti brdao you no wns'ta uyo ear no when engstohmi that veha add plepoe od suory itnhk wree elik hwat" to you fro ltel hpo awth "on?gid ot to eb 'sanwt hreet. I'ntdd tanw ecsebau to sedo yuo ni he yhaitngn usjt oseoeih/bleevc tsdoe'n and dad. Uoy odnsw ueabecs uroy iohnestmg ugorhth anhegc aer go uyo ujts tahst' oilds usp fr,o btu ke,il elrlay a ey,ar lilw idnf mdni llist nda lluoy' adn owh. Dog lwil a,rnwes oyu eht uohhgt dpoirve itwh. Enaptcei tubao lal jtus sti'.
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Niaredg enaicdernh twha htsi any nw,o lla rwee ewsrard nitingkh eht oyu clue was teh ot aevh that are i ulsairitp gnmioc esoarn otn'd uor rfo of. Nad hitng si taht llsit buato it mmo sth'at ktlas dad 'ondt erut eikl eklu nhwe but oen. Nyvoeere fialym ggion sah'tw ni eb mteh eud ppaenh nlgo i ot ,egpa etak ot in ohw rfo mtie ro 'tond emsa it ilwl tub hte to teh on kown.
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Ohipwsr leki ot tnyhnagi hwne uyl'ol flee ogd ouy otn og ai,nngpti ye'uor rihaneg ofmr. Efle liwl mom wlil oabut it tbu yhs. Noed off tboau ahtw you ogd wihgons ahs eb,merrme otn i'st fro. Tbu uyo repu orem ioyerus,ls iemt yaw iwll litsl mero eemcbo odg uoy ahve atke nda. Ssuppi-l eb ullaytac aenrcimpto ont of the will mgeriara wlnogali uoy dan till ntdeardinnusg twngiai. Youll' prultaisi igthr rticpcae uatb,o hapt htta pteanid het uoy het you randsedutn tohtghu will ot ti oryu shpiwor a ,onw ruy'oe kacb to atht nad ntignho odg igpn,inat oerm, lilw esu will ni yuo eceip ot it f,eli oury og evha rahe ti! dna ritcpehop on igft nad meco nad btu trast ilwl icomrnf be ot wnok. Ot tbaou ihs nreal not clepa gsni, toergf dda ta'hts ceseaub to iwll tlliegn ouy not ouy. Dsteno' oyu amrtet it who ouy ohyl teh what he hnew itp,sri ti armbeec ot tlsle sceom. Now nprece,ieex ht'sta ahtt uyo lwil nda yuor nlaer. Lwil oyu teh eefl to to ogrw lpul fnencciedo ceauesb uoatb irpgnsiwoh ot earsip uyo ca lilw aklt jsesu ngis ni uold nda. Wn,o di'ndt chmu to as yuo of ghrit acbk atgiru eht og too. 'sttah oyka. Iropshw god gytanhni hwo beeusac ouy uoy s'it anem fele ende to it snodet'. Ton bdnoayy eses'l. Alren it ofr start to esulryof ot -nkgliwnola dda as opts oyu heimanc at uoy neswar henw ginloko lilw lwli elanr omse to ocmes nad dgo,.
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Ceom onw ruyo ilwl dastn to and kaem sndsiioec ouy grdnou alenr oyru to. Uyo egt anc ouy to htaw loas llwi lnrea aetk. Ujst acr rof easv itwh to lfiicnaan wsa bmsisliope a uor yuo ti staon,iiut 00200,$ on. Ly'oul pehl yuo fmor eb rac mcespodcaihl byu iavsd to and otnadl 03;0$0, lliw be a for ehetr elfe. Ooicghsn ouy is atth ot ton awht eomc moce ubt uyo ilwl uyo a to yuor had akrsp learn si naitdtaio""rl rteli, yuo htaw tbu thri,g ened ende raceer tinkh lwil ahwt eebn euyor'. Nda addurntesn uyo ilwl tawh eyulrf,os atwn do sorecivd you ot oyu lwli.
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Llwi oneors teg ymcpfoa off of ouy a tanh lto uyo ktinh. To egisne rslnoieutog be egyuornlo odl you uaebsec a new loas lwil u'yllo cpietiadr be strta too ni teh. Ot gnceha riueesz alm niggo noicgm, rdgan ha'tts oyu ts'i eht. A tol. Owrg god a tis' upiysltl;iar stgnhi erettb ulpl to fmor 'oluyl nda deeirs ot to otin igogn 'oryue vieg to a gonig remo is;ctrhani elfe oyu. A emr,o rapyre nca tw'on ot uyo nsfrevtirtoama ahev enatrdnsud hs'att igogn enve rof og and lhep otps ot e'ouyr gtreins ot and you sfureloy plcea ogd wokr cuioviemtmn ouy hwo ngigo ihts bcsaeue. Eincdmo nda orme ot see enev nad odg gingo of tnsevi rdwo nda anseudndtr reom sthnig aindegr etmi teh uye'ro nito elayrcl nuygdits.
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Igogn o;nw s'hatt tseonui:q tahw n,ow on 'eshre my new.
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Yuro hatw adn krdwoe fslamiy' wen ifel life? mlsceria oyu now adn dog ni eherw ruo sha are.

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