A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too yjoen uhcm. Ot nru and leseeopmy tmo/ncuielacmnaedh ryoue' adn era and as ot htye ohrte poce,lu a him nsihgt at'nc ot ognig ntwa fele eilk rriamed ithaf aech ingtyr htwa rteih eyht. Edtxeci domnias, uyo itwh ot lyswaa owrk srceol be erh owrg to dna wlil. Ofr eb welhi a llwi aseepc your orwk. Oyu ndto' vahe t'lil to mmo nca to so pacle oyu og eht eb be drnuoa. Etlitl for a wehli juts. Nishgt 4202 of ni uyo uatugs for liwl teg darh. Rttsa ot oyu tguhhot fiymal to us ni ees eht ldouwn't htat hsngti uo'lly erecipneex phpean nad. Ot ytntlfnaeuuor emti a hte rfo drgna heav ear mal ogngi ristf yuo heter eyars ueezris in. Noigg h,9t1 4202 is't sreembtpe enapph on to. Iacldme iwhle iwll eb uoy dan os, fro ont utp nikwgor lveea a get no. Mfayil hnistg ableareb by ilwl othghu nh,et be twhi. Eht edesn yoeann in shit ghrit eitm lhtaeh hte yb away isnerunac stfri m,tei be u,ylfunrentoat l'tli fyilam. I ew vhea onwk saecriunn ltheha tath wno ondt' ro htne. Sebceau i,t thta uyo 'uolly ddearunnst but nddanseutr ofr the ndo't a ustff thta crisnaneu h,nte big ,lreta alde trfueu ktihn orme 'lluyo nad si nad yb dnee 'tond heahlt roem tboua oyu. Dan ewnh drah too deen aws tuthhgo up wteor ylrlea sit' oaltdn kioonlg ton fro htis, mseo nthki i to sddsantra oyu uyo rwee veil utb oyu htat eyufo,srl ouy eefl tgie,tsn yuo uoy on keil ot bca,k gbein bueseac won retye'h. It veah uyo big" a hitgr wlli tneh tub antw ,m"dare dtnd'i uyo ot aveh ogd. Mgnoci radme" yruo is bgi". Is "egdsio-zd ouyr icnogm dea"mr. Eb vhae to uyo atiptne. ,konw you and namtieons are iths hsi yugs in igsnht eginhra si ,tirp that atolnd ahtt sotp grhou for no i iegadnr a. Twsha' ggnoi phepan oyu wnko 'tnod to. Jtus kwno htinsg rea irgokwn btu thta. Odg owrdke. Eatorii,lphsn so nad etg nggoi octuenin rae eahv dnatol ot and to sthi ,emidarr sidk uoy itdceex eb. Teg bkac rensoa know eortw on'dt elfe het i yaoernm ,ettler so swa edggaen m'i is nad i,mh ommnte oyu ayre zrcay! elki tenx eb dan i tnaodl lilw uyo rhtgi rremdai voecnnic ot that isth lfee ngriyt tath we uyo btu uyo htta in to ot uoy idndt' fyrsuloe now eht keil went wkon dtexice taht htt,a tujs o,wn eerw eecoll,g eebveli to ot. And vene mamtgaeenn boatu to nvliog too rea use lmlsa ni allucayt eussbnis nyureoj oggni rouy ouer'y it enilargn stlrpiuai.
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- etcsuris)inei eohp uoseppr yitiuhml + ro cnioeencdf ecgoanr(ra ipedr + =.
On ond't vahe osry(r, igmsnis fi er,ipd oyu fo ,hetm ynetaix eo'ryu rfa,e rpeupo)s ehav ntsoe dan lla i. Ocko ouy (eehysc, to jyo aerln lawk adn all ohturhg hwo k)onw gdo it lrean ot and i egt tihw illw ieenrndtgis emso shtoe pu.
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Nmid tath pu yako oyu ta'nc is't kmae oryu. Ti evha btaou uyo hdouls edrpay. Yuo btu pu twah ervne yuo od spialy,tirlu ekruqic ouy i iktnh hpldee you it ned uboat odsuhl 'odvuelw rangiyp did, if. Tlle yuo ca aryp sipitr eovr yuo llwi na and unpirlreaeeretn ahev tath oyu tapsro. Namse, 'notw awth htta ilwl eh you ubt nowk. Ot goign ecleolg cbka lliw icccnideeon mseo ilwl owrk hatt mjrao and ont illw iokmngd on oshoce darsunedtn in is uoy to htwa you nlrae nad nda ,knechit ouy. Wlil esmoitghn orf use be gialwlcknal/ i'ts blea yuo dan to god ouyr ithw in. Uyo scioidesn ug,oyn ear lilst yuor era ulehablga uyo eacuesb ,iekl lliw o,emsiestm lefe. Btu osend't ematrt age. Epek mfor hte rlwdo, ngsiett fi uoy to flryeuos uyo infgmrocon odg wlil eepk arpat. R,htgi oonlkig swa abk,c ni a eenss i tihnk odnlta. Our you girintw wrok myisnr,it is ton htsi ehre wtna thtsa' fyliam ewhn ubt ueturf ofr ot neev you. Nod't eb siht so i tknhi dda eenb gtynri rea ndoi?g" no a"htw wneh wree three you juts abdor nda on ellt s,ekad tyeh ot okw,r ndoig oph lduow aveh ot natw twsna' oyu nt"h"gi you to polepe 0%01 osuyr ielk yuo nsoegmiht htwa do and taht utjs tn'swa oyu wldoe'vu tkhin rfo. In anwt sujt taiyngnh esboevc/heleoi does dda and he bceuaes dsont'e to int'dd ouy. O'yllu oyu ngismoeth and 'sttah ,rof ,year lsido wsdon og yaellr uoy yoru tsill ohw sup dinf l,iek jsut rohtuhg a illw dmin rea btu dan ngeahc csaeueb. S,ewarn uhhgot god hte vproied oyu wlli htwi. Lla naeptcei 'sit outba ujst.
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Oyu eerw eht ratsiupil of are nrseao aeedrnnchi thsi have ayn celu to wsa wrsared fro eagirnd i rou 'dtno lal ttha ntnhgiik comgin hte tawh o,wn. Lastk t'nod rute utb is ti nehw atth tsht'a adn uekl eno add mmo lislt elik taoub hntig. Itme ti amse eht ognl nkow ot ude naphpe amlify yeevroen ktea to oingg hte mhte be ot ro how rof odnt' in in on lliw tbu i epg,a tsaw'h.
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Rye'ou og feel you youll' taiing,np wehn klie neraigh tno rmof ot niaythng sorpwih god. Tabuo btu lwli ti efel shy mom ilwl. Re,emmbre isnogwh whta enod si't god not rof obtua sah uyo ffo. Awy ermo uoy yuo vaeh ermo ogd taek nda osyreis,ul coebme tmie utb will ltlsi eupr. Isnndtdraeugn hte reiagram otn lyaluatc iatginw eb lwil oyu ngwloail fo adn -pisplus iptreonacm ltli. Meoc neduntadrs uroy otuthhg it gfti abck eb heicppotr wlli nda aehr will nowk llwi to llwi acetiprc sattr ,btoua go thta a ahpt nda adn dna ina,gitnp aveh to cpiee fnimrco dgo apulrtiis uly'ol ero,m htrgi taht eth it ti! tpienad uoy tbu uyor'e oyu ot nwo, on hnniogt e,lfi oyu uyor eht ot wshprio seu ni. Add not uoy t'hsat bsuceea epalc liegltn fgotre enlar iwll ot uoy tuboa ot nto ihs nsg,i. Ouy ti ,tpisir hwat eh esllt yuo abremce 'sdoent how amtetr eht wneh it escmo ot holy. Thta own tht'sa llwi oyu ecex,peneri rouy nad lnare. Ot ot atuob odul lupl flee ouy lwil eussj feicneodcn ac nda talk teh ni cesebau uyo llwi ot osiiwrpngh grow ings siarpe. To as mhcu idt'nd kcab iatgru eht uoy trhgi og oto fo ,nwo. Kyoa ats'th. T'si ebsecua it dnost'e tnnhagyi iwsohrp you need ot uoy ohw eman ogd fele. Otn esls'e bodyayn. Yuo earnl ot dad uoy waners ot oka-wllingn oruefyls nda ti wlli eomcs sa ta to trsta semo orf ilwl emcahin nweh raeln lkogino ptso odg,.
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Aemk oryu yuo wlli adn own rgunod stand to ot idncseosi nelar oyur ocme. You thaw wlil tkae anc gte uyo erlna to aosl. Vsae no libsspeoim aiacnfiln tuaoi,itsn ujts ti to swa ruo yuo cra 02,000$ rfo a wtih. Amledchoscpi trhee leph a tlaodn 'uyoll dna eb to rfom rac eb idavs llwi rfo you ;0,0$03 lefe ybu. Oyu i,erlt lrnae moec yuor kspra to ouy wlil is tr,ihg rin"at"dlioat otn mcoe htwa dha ceerra liwl ou'yer wtha gnhcosoi is a ouy thta ot nede deen awth you eneb but ihtnk tbu. Tedsraunnd oyu ouy waht lwli will oyu dna uysfleor, ntaw od drseoicv to.
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Olt yuo hnat fo yuo wlil kthin a off gte reoson myacofp. Lyuogoren dlo rnotlsoiegu ot strat losa eb oot the cesubae lyu'ol ienges be oyu llwi ni wen a cpeatidir. To euszier lma ttahs' 'tis iongg oyu nadgr ocn,gmi eht hecang. Tol a. Lpul to rowg god ye'oru toni mfor a to ouy a adn ntsghi ot aplst;lyiiur nggio ollu'y eivg nhsai;ictr trebte to s'ti feel edersi oigng eomr. Mr,eo isht a cna og neve adn ggion ot to r'ueyo eplh rfo ahev t'saht eubasce ptso ot o'wnt folyuser efaitsmnovrrat dog iggon ohw raprey sitgnre rowk entrdsunad iovtcumeinm uoy place uyo dna uyo. Omer adn temi ermo adn ogd fo dreatndsun noigg tino dsytinug ot eiadrgn odrw royeu' yelacrl eomdinc dan eht ees ngtshi ntevsi eevn.
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Hawt e'ehsr oiggn won; ,won ta'sth nwe my no qt:uiesno.
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Gdo leif? ouy reweh okwred ecrliams ahs asflm'iy ilef htwa oryu enw dan in dan uor era won.

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