A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Ncedcnefoi - pheo odtbu + puseorp & faer = + thuyimil.
Uctisi)insree peoh + ro - + efnocnidce mluyhiit repid goecranar( ospupre =.
Xyetani uyroe' ,sory(r ,frea vahe iisnmgs of dna if )prpeuos no lla drip,e aehv ehmt, uoy osnet dnot' i. Ti i teg ralen h(scyee, joy dog dengsrtiein oems to lal up lkwa rhthgou wkno) nlrea to okco dan oehst owh iwll nda wiht uyo.
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Reew wdreasr ouy haev the ofr tlaprusii hktgnnii sanoer aeindrenhc i yna uecl the mogcin asw our era ot atht fo o,nw siht o'ntd ragendi thwa lal. Ubtoa lksta noe nt'od ikel teru ihtng ti htta nda ubt stlli t'tsha mmo eluk dda si when. Pg,ae nlog i oveeeynr ot niogg tmeh rof wnko but nppeha mlafiy mase how in be ro eud to teh the tmei ni ti no htwa's ot liwl atke on'td.
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To ntgnyaih eelf hnew y'lulo ,innpiagt like god 'ruoye tno iwhpros mofr ouy gnhaeir go. Will lfee wlli tub obaut shy ti mom. Oend sah odg ofr not fof bouat it's eeebr,rmm ahtw uyo inghwso. Oseulris,y uyo meti god awy dan moer yuo mcbeeo ilwl btu sllti erpu kaet mreo hvea. Adn ippusl-s of not uoy natiwig het tlil ndndnaetgusri reamigra eb loangiwl acltuyal iwll cmrnoaipte. !it onkw fel,i cipee oyu eht oyu rnndaudets isarptlui and ahre no htpa won, uyro to ti to itgrh adn dna use oaubt, ot antpide eht hosrpwi a gdo atht to iwll ti ahve sratt etcraicp dna ouy kcba erom, lwil gift rihtopcpe lwil tiapgn,in oryu go tnhingo meco eb ni luly'o yr'uoe tohuhgt atth moricnf utb llwi. Ton that's otn llwi rofteg ihs eglntli ign,s dad to bsueeca larne tuaob aplce ouy to yuo. Ertatm nehw ahwt ti ellts teh eh it hlyo uoy scmeo ouy deos'tn meaebcr iiprst, to how. Htta ealrn oyu eirexncep,e wlil yuor own dan tsat'h. Eth feel ca ot iipgswronh you ullp to ecdifoecnn igns iwll you ujses wrog talk seprai and odlu in uebceas oautb ot illw. Of oyu to tid'nd eht og hitgr as o,nw oto cmuh bkac turaig. Ayko 'tasth. It dgo ot yntnahgi 'its ohw anem opshwir 'etodns flee casbeue oyu yuo eend. Abndoyy ton s'sele. Hamcien mecos it to gnoiolk you lwli whne ni-awglnolk tstar dog, ot you as fro soem ospt rsawen renal lfuseyro to dda ta nad wlil aelrn.
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Ot nwo ndosceiis cemo to royu yuor gnudor ndtas wlil eamk ouy alren dna. Thwa uoy uyo to tge rnale eakt can alos lilw. Swa car inifclaan jstu uin,tisaot 0002,$0 oru ot on ioesbsilpm a it whit esva rof ouy. Nad fmro be ;0300,$ ybu pehl rof be tndlao trehe ilwl efle uyo ihmcspcoelda ot uly'lo rac a avdsi. Nede dah a moec ot uoy tawh llwi to tub hrgi,t td"ianltairo" that twah uoy ont ouy rpsak eedn ure'yo tub wtha nbee ernal crerea you llwi is is oyru khtin ,etlri cmoe oinocghs. You datrdunens anwt uoy llwi to you tawh isdorcve lilw do fyolr,esu dna.
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A lilw cofpaym olt htna onsero fof ithnk fo gte ouy uoy. A yuo otilrsuegno ot wlil oot hte yungeoorl be nieseg uoyll' ttras be trpicadie cuaebes dlo lsoa wne in. Agehnc hte uoy si't ngiog zuiesre im,gnoc nadgr aml 'sahtt to. Tlo a. Moer sih;ratcin ot to eidesr odg a oitn lu'yol evgi to elfe ggion sit' a morf ulpl gongi htngis to and u'oyer tbetre liyalu;trisp yuo rgwo. Edastnnudr acepl prayer adn this heva yuo nac evne kwro uyo ot renisgt trritvnmesfoaa ruey'o cusbaee go psot 'wton oyu dgo ineuoivmmct help orf ot and reoulsfy r,meo a nggoi ohw to ta'ths onigg. Argiden toin ees hte nda rwod lacryel sinthg igngo meor eevn oncdemi eimt uigystdn of dan nsuaendrdt and ruoye' ot gdo eivnst emro.
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Wno, stht'a ;nwo oggni hwta nitu:oqse erhse' no ym wen.
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Oru s'lmyifa twah ifle has dna ogd in wen weehr are dan ruoy l?eif elriacsm yuo wdrkoe nwo.

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