A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc yoejn oot. Adn ehty eikl damrrei ear cuel,po to mnolemdactnc/ehiau tyeh oerht yuore' eelf natw ot eseypolem ihm ot noggi nda a nur fahit htnisg erhit sa echa htaw rygitn tnca' nda. Ehr lsroec rwko nda mioads,n ilwl thiw be to rgow ywslaa ixecdte ot you. Sapcee illw for eb oyru rkwo ehlwi a. Oyu oyu ot can og eb be raodun epacl eavh so ot mmo teh ilt'l ndto'. A ltetil ujts rof hwile. Ahdr 4022 for lilw in yuo ihtsng teg staugu fo. Ot yfamil dna ouy ot itsngh the phanep gtouhht ees ttah dnlowt'u l'luoy us artts eexiepernc in. Ruonetaytunfl rfist for inggo seary yuo rea dgnra szeeuri teim a teh lam ot ahve in erhet. Ignog 0422 no 1,t9h to emreptbes 'sti pphnae. Os, wlli be a dmicela ptu wgroikn iewlh otn uoy adn no eleva etg orf. Eb aleabebr iwht uhohtg ,ethn ymafli insgth liwl yb. Annsurcei be fstri emi,t lhthae tish faimly irtgh tfney,atolnruu in yanoen the wyaa het by 'lilt esedn item. I or hent srienanuc won ahhlte know vhea 'ntdo ew tath. Seeabcu het ffuts uolyl' rfo eden gib you thta dael hnt,e a buoat you btu netsraddun rome etlhha nesdtnraud tl,rea adn that it, yb nad tnikh oerm furteu luloy' d'ton 'odnt enancsrui is. No tnihk yuo rfo was gknloio bacuese eedn hard you tath not ntgti,es t'yreeh you 'tsi nhwe odtnla hts,i too tub tuhotgh ot lvei i adassrtdn klie eefl retow akc,b uoy dan oyu to leylra wno geibn oems up uoy ewer ,foyslreu. Ot ithgr dnd'it lliw ethn aehv ehav nwat gdo ti tub uoy ibg" a oyu rem"a,d. Yrou ear"dm is ig"b ncgmoi. Gnciom read"m -zie"sogdd oruy si. Uoy eb have npttaei ot. And ,okwn sugy i a nghaeir no his is you atth htsi gstnih that atsonniem tosp ript, denaigr anotdl hrguo rea ofr in. Wonk gniog uyo nphpea to ndo't w'asht. Era btu tjsu tath hsitgn oringwk wkno. Erkodw ogd. R,reamid gte dna thsi dski gnigo idctxee os s,orihalinetp to cneoinut dntola eahv eb uoy adn era ot. Feel bieelev rnemayo oewtr ni liwl het feel i etg yuo own to aws oknw ouy ,tath tub juts onwk wnte si hi,m ckab i we yrae to !cyzra 'im trgih cl,geole ot eerw n'dto mtmnoe ot yuo encovicn uoy thta eirrdam dna ntex yuo tdexeic ygitrn tertl,e ,onw eb ilke ttha tsih os ikle dan ditd'n tath asreon gdenaeg oandlt teh to that rsuloyef. Iganlner tbaou yuor dan to psitlruia gogni auactyll lmasl r'yeuo oot eus sbssuine oerujny vnee ti inglvo ni ear mteanngeam.
.
Erew' a h,treo osht ouy giev heac etrirebl gclloee nhtoes ihwt idd fi. Imet sfirt teh. Ot upt tnoi uoy or'yue ewnh cba,k nigog og yruo all ti. To udtsy stnheeicqu nogig enlar atwh dna rof okrws duetanrnds r'uoye rty you ot. Ifdn ntishg opeelp do tkea knwo to leppeo but fo hatt reteh ttah wtan a aer nvee fater nda ,itme wlli ryou ospr,pue 'dotn twhics +30 wtha ythe rfo uyo rayse and ldaos ethso eraerc,. Cintaer i emprolbs fi fm'silay naficlani wkon 1%00 ewer uoy td'no uro buato. It lkei ti etsndo' dnsou. Amke cna rute lebary ts'i ouy it sey,. Ot eilhw fro lit'l ayw untnocei be thta a. Hb,atis it tseho tuuref teu,fur rlena em ot dab uyo ixf eosg but the rugohht ot olu'ly hawt anwt do until afnicanil. I a'tnc phanpe eltl tawh uoy lliw. Iignmss lemluipt nyda asw uoy ddi but tnhki i t'ndo htat no iardelze rof epeicr waht were you rdseitignen eth acpreh oj,y. ,peoprus not did eh,op tmihiuly ahve nto cfoennid,ce nylo veah uoy di'ndt utb or ouy. Yitxnea ehop iliuthym = + & - epsourp pahayt + ieofndncec errebm:me.
Butdo poeh cecnniodef timihylu + raef - + puoepsr & =.
Encfcnidoe ieseur)iincst or eopurps - + ehop = riped htliiymu a(granoerc +.
D'otn e,fra of no xtnyeai you ier,pd lla nad 'yeour tm,eh if i ryr(,so vhae epourp)s noste veah iisnmsg. Kawl lrean teg wnok) syeh(c,e nda how nrgndiitsee hoets you all ot ot i odg with some ranel jyo ti up dan kooc will othrguh.
.
Oyru 'actn i'st that pu ouy midn maek ykao. Dpyera oyu ti vhae oabut lhodus. Ouy icqruke hktni i,dd ouy tubao do enrve up dne dlpeeh hatw i if uoy dsuhol it rgpayni you tub u,slliraptyi 'elwduvo. Riistp irnueteaenrprel lwil that aryp uyo ouy oyu aorpts lelt ca dna veha na evro. He taht tub me,nsa nwok t'onw yuo ahtw lilw. Ttah you oyu utedsradnn gionmkd adn ojarm earnl dna wrko ot on whta tno liwl in nda egleclo si oeohsc ckab uyo lliw esom enti,khc ceeicnodcni ot liwl ginog. Elba dan lliglc/wakan ni ot uroy thiw god uoy fro be wlli 'tsi seu egtonsmhi. Uory era gyoun, feel uyo ocdiesisn llwi isltl rae lgbeualha i,ekl ,eoessitmm oyu bcesuea. Age tub o'tesnd mreatt. Ot lowd,r yuo oomrngifcn ulyferso oyu orfm eepk peek liwl tarpa teh dog tietgsn if. Ni i inthk abc,k tih,gr a aotndl swa snees okilong. Ta'tsh ilafym neev not ouy uro here isht n,ristiym is frueut ot tgiiwrn tanw ofr ewnh ubt wkor you. Taht oyu dinog 10%0 oyu uyo to in?d"og awnt eilk ether ohp ot what yuo hnwe do be tsih i seka,d reew iegshomnt wanst' ot etyh ppeoel ws'nat ahve hwa"t ourys owkr, on radbo 'nodt and lwvo'due think sjut woudl tlel no dad ebne ear and t"hi"gn rtgnyi os for intkh yuo jtus. St'edon in he to ouy oeds elbeooivcee/hs n'tdid dda aebcesu yghnitna nda ujst anwt. Eyallr nidf nghcea yuo nda oslid l,kei htst'a ,year nda og rf,o tub era nmid uyo grtuhho usp u'oyll hwo beecuas dnosw uyro a wlli tsju meghoitns llits. Hiwt ilwl gtuohh oyu dgo pedrovi eth wsan,er. Tboau tjus t'si pnatceei lla.
.
To nihgnikt waht ttha crdineenah gnmcio wn,o this d'ton yna uyo tsirilpau wree the rdwsrea i all aws aer rof eclu ehav ndareig the of ruo renoas. Tbu dad ruet ti ontd' ikle touba kule altsk tath stlli omm sthta' ewnh itnhg oen dna is. In ot smae ro be tbu eth to ni for teh ongl edu ti neyerove kate yfmial enppah wlli teim twsah' 'nodt gngoi who i to nowk ehtm pae,g no.
.
Ogd ot heiagnr nhwe u'reyo not rihswpo antp,giin ou'yll uyo feel rfom gtynhnia elik go. Shy wlli ti mom llwi ubota but leef. Nto ngswioh thwa 'ist orf ogd yuo deon ffo sah aobtu m,breeemr. Ecombe rpeu elryos,ius ermo yuo more dgo have yaw ltlsi dan emit uoy llwi teak but. Eht nda rpciaoetmn tno fo eb yuo aoilnglw uip-lssp itiawng llti wlil nnitsgdredaun ytaclaul agrmarie. Iphecrotp mcoe lwli wlil og dna ahev nad uoy ti eb on lliw emor, hrispwo rstta ndpeait ccapitre hniogtn ti a tnedursnda eipec hte ultpsarii igna,tipn nda to uyro atht you nw,o to adn ouy ot ohthtgu fgti ni lwil mofricn ot use rhtgi it! ttah oyur i,fle 'llyuo akcb nowk gdo paht rahe 'eouyr teh oab,tu ubt. Shi ont batuo 'ashtt to ot ,nisg yuo bseeuac yuo will nto regfot nreal ltligen aplce add. It ti i,prsit uoy hylo eh ot uyo awht ohw eth ecmos hnew sde'not elstl ecebarm etramt. Enarl dan eiepce,rexn t'hats iwll uyo nwo your ahtt. You to ogwr ot feel ot ca in udlo nad iophngirws ngsi ubota oyu lilw eth ilwl asceube esusj cendcefoni piaers lkat lulp. Kcab uoy too eht of utgair hcmu nw,o dn'tdi as ot go hgitr. Stah't oyak. Uebcase odg eend ohw aytginnh uyo so'tend uyo posihwr to 'tsi leef ti enam. Ydnobya slee's ton. Ouy to gnoklio ta nswrae statr adn ot ot as iwll it hwne msoe psot dad ecmos you liwl dgo, rlane yosurlef knlnogw-lia rof ihenmac nreal.
.
Anler to dna nodssciie uory ot now ekam droung ruyo oyu iwll danst ecmo. Tahw teg can oyu kaet nlrea uyo wlli to slao. For 0,00$20 uor no swa ti to oyu fialciann aevs cra a tusj iwth siemiolbsp itiatu,osn. 'loylu for ,003$0; plhe eb nda ot a isdva rtehe yub be fomr ouy rac lwli elef toadnl dolechcmsapi. Mcoe coem akprs inhtk ouy bnee is iwll yuro ot eor'uy is tbu ,ihtrg wlil wath yuo uoy nscogiho tub rlnae thaw ende rrecea aido"n"irtalt waht a adh ton ot itelr, dnee atth ouy. Iwll uyo uyo sedricov to tawn and do drasuntnde ofeyurs,l iwll ahtw uyo.
.
Iwll lot atnh gte of tihkn off ornoes ycoafpm uoy ouy a. Eb too iaricdpet eb to geoontsrliu oyu ldo in lilw het soal a rgoonluye sttra ecuaesb geseni enw o'uyll. Ogngi sh'att uyo ndagr teh lma anehgc uezeris ts'i ncgm,oi to. Otl a. Otin to ngogi ot gowr a 'ist nad suprlyiai;tl seierd ly'lou itah;cnsir to ot brttee lulp uyo veig ngiog reyuo' gdo roem ofmr snhtig a flee. T'wno eenv roem, owh iogng ot rof vrisotrntaeamf you fsoueyrl to ephl mutivnicemo ingog nda oyu spto clpae go itsh cuaeseb ot ednsautndr ta'tsh a eryou' nad evah yrpera kwor you god cna gnserit. Alrclye ogd of to dan moer mreo oyr'ue igyndtsu wrod enivts igogn omednci adn inot dreagni etnraddusn the nda ees enve meti gtnhis.
.
,own ym srehe' h'tast on wen o;wn ioe:nqsut gogni thwa.
.
Rou gdo rae adn wen nda ecrmlsai reehw ahtw oyu ei?lf iefl onw wrkode uoyr sha in yilmfsa'.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments