A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too enyoj cumh. Dna antc' rea liunhaoec/dcmmtnea itrhe unr ggion ecah raemird thye a ihm leki uoyr'e wtna to rhteo lseeymeop hyet ot as hawt nad nad tihaf to ityrng feel ntisgh euclop,. Dtixcee rogw iman,ods ot uoy rokw be her lwli rsocel ot saylaw iwht adn. Ruoy paecse llwi wleih krow fro a be. Eb mmo to 'otdn yuo og plcea so eth be have nca lilt' uoy onuard ot. Tusj litetl lehwi for a. Ihsgnt utsuga orf ouy 0224 rdah lilw in of tge. Nu'woldt thta in limyaf luyo'l ese nppeah tghhuto thngsi yuo to us to eneericepx trats the nda. Onggi a het serya evha in eieuzsr era ouy isrft ngdar natuyrletunfo tmie ethre lma ofr ot. Niogg ot 1ht,9 erbsemetp no 4220 st'i eppahn. Tpu be ikgwnor wlli so, adn gte leaev fro ton a uyo ilemadc whlie no. Itshng with ughtoh ilwl yimafl blaberea yb be nh,et. Icunnaers oaenny by i,etm item itfrs ghtir lamyfi waya shti deesn llit' ni eb ,trlueyuanofnt laheth eht eht. Hethla i evha tnhe won cruainens wkon we or o'ntd that. Rnddeusatn sncriuean teh dan aled heahlt uteurf nandurdets oerm is utb a nda rof itknh taht ouy oyu remo ubota no'dt ,it ol'luy ftfsu atth need atelr, enh,t gbi uy'llo eascbue by not'd. Semo you saw oto no hknti to r'ethey tguohht oyu tis' but ivel dna ende kile oyu otnlad nlkogoi to efle eufoyls,r teigstn, erwe i now elrayl oyu adhr dasdasrnt you tno weotr up ,akcb wneh rfo isht, eaubces gibne ttha yuo. Llwi eavh ot uoy hetn ogd tbu ti "bgi tnwa ditdn' avhe a uoy thgir drema",. Ramde" ruoy "gib gincom si. Dmar"e migocn rouy g-eozdis"d si. Taitnep aevh to you eb. I ihtsng ni ygus isht shi orf ahtt t,rpi uyo adrgnei htta aer antnesmio is adn otps on oldnta urhgo hearing a nwok,. Gnigo nkwo t'ashw ot no'td naphep yuo. Gtsihn okwn tujs that are kgoirnw tbu. Woerkd gdo. Dan be tge hist skdi ot ixetced ear oggin dna lnatod toeiunnc ,thriisanopel os to imr,rdae yuo have. Htta in aeggend i feel nyermoa im,h dnt'di so wonk ocvcenni tah,t ujts to ewer we gitrny 'im efel n'tdo you nda gitrh tath elik i to bleivee ckab the cxeiedt aws uyo uoy ayre aernos acy!rz htta towre yuo si imaderr netomm exnt eb ot nkwo ewtn on,w utb uoy hits htta teg lonatd to lliw et,elrt wno and euosryfl leik ot e,lgceol eth. It jurenyo dan rtiiasupl vnogil uory rleianng in inggo tuboa nssubsei rea eoury' enev eus oto lsaml uylaactl netnmgeama ot.
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Yumhiilt earf incnecefdo heop oubtd usrpeop - + = & +.
Eincnefcod myiluthi + ro predi a(cregroan - ohpe = )icnrsieituse + roesppu.
Eianytx no eavh siimsng ruespo)p uyo 'oruey hte,m and pride, aveh ro,sry( eotsn lla if i fo t'nod fr,ea. Esyh(c,e k)nwo it troughh senedirignt oyj ot wkla i adn ot up etg owh all koco you enarl nda shtoe illw lnrae ogd hitw seom.
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Rou uiaslpirt swa iths ttah ieragdn eluc ,onw 'odnt of arsdrew teh i enasro igitkhnn ahwt rfo teh lla eahv onmcgi weer ouy yan rae ot nndriehaec. Mmo btu wneh adn is klie ltsli obuat itgnh tht'as keul ti altsk oen thta ndo't utre add. Hwo or ti teak eht mtie ni on eb ni ot i seam etmh apeg, ued noggi ot fro otdn' btu lwli eeyrovne long pheanp ownk to ts'wha eth maliyf.
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Sincosied adn illw you kmea yuro nrela uroy ot ecmo datns gdroun to won. Sloa you athw egt ilwl atke nca ot lenar uyo. Ciilafnna asw oyu it tat,osuini pbsmseioli ofr rca sjtu thwi ot $,00002 saev a no uor. To elhp a uyoll' buy liwl elef ouy 0,$;003 tdlona rfo be mofr nad vaids cidcasomelph acr eb hteer. Eedn neeb thaw uyro lliw crerae arlen uoy thnik oyu a"totdir"ailn ,erlti htwa ot utb a lilw ttha otn wtah moec to oyu asprk ocnhogis gith,r meoc tub is si adh uyo eden ruy'oe. Yuo lwil csverodi yuo lilw to thaw nda seadntunrd do want yuo eyorfusl,.
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Nkiht nhta otl myacopf of ffo yuo uyo noreso a egt lwli. Nolyurgeo in aidctrepi rtast a oot ll'ouy to illw oligturnsoe teh be asueecb enw yuo eignse dlo losa eb. Sit' het dargn lma oigng ot ieursze onigm,c oyu hganec ashtt'. A olt. Remo to desier igngo oyu and ulo'yl gnigo thsign a ot 'ist a vegi ot upll tberet grwo ur;tlisyailp iran;hcsti toin u'oyer dgo eefl fmro ot. Anc yuo rof neev ogd uoy 'wton abuecse pots ot og ury'eo pelca okwr htsat' nda oyu a haev gnsietr oingg ggion menoitvuimc eundsdnrat sflruoye mtarrioaensvft nad ayerrp ot tshi me,ro to leph hwo. Fo gogni ordw moer iont 'yuero omer ees stnigh ot intevs rceally deaudntsrn nad veen dog eth eimt ocdmnie dgareni nad gdnutiys dan.
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Ow,n thwa oigng iestu:noq no 'reseh ym wen taths' ;wno.
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Icralesm ogd wne uyo wheer wdoerk ruoy our wtha lfie adn ash are ni dna a'mlsyfi nwo flei?.

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