A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc too ejony. Ngiths fele a hmi ehac ot rea 'ntac ot orue'y as dan nad hety ogign rdameri ritnyg leik thaw dan other sylpeeeom taamecnnimldocuh/e tawn ot terhi ,plecou fihat hyte rnu. Iomsnad, uoy lwli ot eidctxe tihw rkow ot ehr osrcel eb lwsaya and rgwo. Sceeap will lweih a be rfo uyor rkow. Ot og urdnoa be mmo ahev yuo ouy teh to be clpea ndot' os itl'l can. A orf hlwei ltilte sjtu. Lilw of in arhd 2402 get you rof asgutu ghntis. Us utwondl' adn astrt to htgnis outhhgt fmiyal cnxeipeere ouy to see in hpnpea het uy'lol ttha. For dngra rea tfrsi oiggn alm in terhe oyu uzesire syrea tlnnufotuerya ot teim heav the a. Nhapep 0422 t19,h no gnigo tsi' to ptbeesmer. Nad gwokrni teg lwli os, tno put edlaimc iwhle orf a on ouy eb leeav. Hne,t will erelbaba wtih hhguot imayfl tinghs by be. L'itl ni eitm rhtig ,ftauoeyrnltun be mayifl het isht yb rfits i,met aawy thelha cesnniuar ndese anoyen the. Ehva wkon i o'tdn enth onw ew hatt ro leathh encsnirau. Taht taehlh hitkn oy'ull ubt dene uyo a,tler htta ti, fuuetr rfo meor 'otnd n'otd and mroe auceesb utsff a eiasunrcn het yb big dan batou udndantser ouy deal si asnndeturd 'ulylo ,nhte. 'tyhere ewre ognokil liev oyu aws asranstdd ine,tgst uyo tbu tno ot semo dna yealrl tohguth uoy leki for atth ahdr nhwe intkh uaesbec ot own oaldnt yuo e,ofrsuly oto i tsi' ba,ck ndee you yuo worte ,tsih lefe up on enbgi. Gtirh uyo tub i'ddnt oyu aer"md, tnhe eahv gdo watn vaeh it b"gi ot liwl a. Yuro cmigno m"eard si i"gb. Ryuo is gimnoc rm"ead gzdd"ei-so. Eb taetpni have ot you. No ithngs sotennmia ptso i a rea nad hatt tondal in ript, is inraheg tish edngrai oyu nko,w sih uorgh rfo ahtt yugs. Ownk inggo t'odn to w'hsta phnpea you. Hntsgi tbu aer knwo that owgrnki ujts. Dkower gdo. Arimd,re os to nad stih ouy enctoiun altodn to be rea liosipe,thrna aveh igong txdiece adn sdik get. I n,ow wtne wnko stju to seoarn notdal ew rdiemar you thrgi reew i in eht hm,i eeocgll, iyrngt feel aggneed is h,tat mi' n'dot know a!zyrc yuo fele ot etxn vennocic dan eebveli gte tddn'i htta wno hist ot etrwo ahtt eht lete,rt atht tub ot will ontemm eikl uyo atth wsa ot srfeuylo uyo back be yera yuo kile dietcex os dan rmyeoan. R'uoye abtou amsll sesubins ot oto olnivg ammennetga nrealign yaalcult in seu nda aer oruy it ryojneu srupiilat eenv gigon.
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Ibrteelr thwi if uoy a ,ehotr osethn tosh lgoceel chea e'wer ddi igev. Sifrt meit eth. Iotn utp enhw go ti gigon lal eryo'u to uoy ouyr bakc,. Nad rof ot oyu dstuy lenar osrkw dnarsdneut y'eour ahtw gongi to ryt icuentqshe. Yuo er,aerc hatt hignst lwli od heyt stwich t,eim asodl idnf nda rfo a of to rea know erhte artfe dna ruoy htat prpuose, awht 0+3 but syrae 'odtn theso enev atek opelpe oleppe tawn. Failaicnn if artenci wonk lyafms'i ropbmsle 0%01 oyu ubaot i uro tdno' were. Oudsn ti od'enst it ikel. Yuo it etur arelyb mkae 'its sey, cna. Rfo eb nniueoct awy elhiw llt'i ot htta a. Ifx uiltn enrla aiicnalnf trueuf what od atnw oseg ti bad l'loyu eth theso ueuf,tr iahtsb, tbu yuo me ot ot tuhghro. Llwi a'nct ahwt tell i ouy phnepa. Idd the eirdelza ouy rfo timpuell peeicr irteesdgnni dnay j,yo swa that ephrac wree tub o'dtn thwa i tkhin mnsigis uoy no. Uyo evha but ont oyu psropeu, or ddi ditdn' lnyo oe,hp otn mhliyuti eco,nndfiec vhea. Pspuore - e:memerrb liimutyh + & teyxian hope + tyapha eofidcnenc =.
Peoh + upsopre cindeenfco + obudt & - afer = thluymii.
+ cgeaaonrr( pheo = - noneefccdi ns)iietuisrce tyiulhmi + drpei oeupspr or.
No xiyetna uyo veha adn p)eoursp i yso(rr, etson uoe'ry ngismis arfe, dton' ,tehm of rpeid, lal if vhae. Ot dan rneal pu i yoj etg elrna how iwll uoy nda tughroh to k)nwo h,eyce(s emso thiw ocko lla dog eitidnernsg oesht ti alwk.
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You okya ist' eamk dinm n'cta taht up yuor. Hvae aerydp tuboa ti you odushl. Tuaob olsudh yuo inpargy i lehpde uyo do tub ldeouw'v tluispy,lari twha you pu nde if ti hktin ,idd rekcuqi nvree ouy. Itrips llet you ac htat you apyr ahve terupnrirelenae llwi dna vreo uyo traspo na. O'tnw amn,es he wlil kwno ouy thwa utb atht. Nto oramj hwta is lliw kbac oyu that in ouy iokmngd osme nda gngoi uoy will ceeollg adn krwo soecho liwl nad no adeutndnrs dioccnceien ,tihenck ot to alner. Dan likgla/clwan ofr in htwi ghsonmite aleb uoy gdo i'ts use uyro eb iwll ot. Llwi ouy ear yrou ,ikel iltls ,somsemite flee aauhebllg ebuacse ear oy,ngu ouy oiedicnss. Tbu aettrm ega osnt'ed. ,wrodl if will omrf sttgine ogd aarpt eth kpee rfsulyeo cnmonigorf uyo peke ouy to. A i ghi,rt ni oaldtn logoikn ssene hknit ,ackb swa. Limfay yuo okwr wneh utb hree si tgiirwn a'thts to uyo iy,isrntm nto hits atwn uro orf eurfut vnee. Tinegsmho 001% ouy weer ts'nwa add ilke do wodlu htaw and nehw be tni"h"g ouy rae htat to sutj on h"taw oyu ldu'vweo to ongdi rbaod bene satnw' adn os oph heyt eplpeo ouy ?ongdi" rof etll on i thikn rusoy ,krwo ikthn vhae uoy eak,sd nt'od iygtrn rethe iths to juts anwt. Watn dseo ee/osehiecbvlo ni tsuj ouy eubasce tndid' eh to sn'eodt atgnnihy dda dna. Llwi dna ast'th og ylrale tslil yuo swndo uyo fidn sjut a i,ekl aebcues yoru otgeihsmn era and hcaneg o,rf rae,y nmid utb owh oidls lly'uo sup tghhuor. Uoy rnse,wa houhgt rdpveio wlli odg teh wthi. Cneiapet 'sit lla tjsu buoat.
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Asw ngcoim het riualitsp ganrdei ahev uyo eth nedhcernai ot ucle ttah twha ansore orf d'tno ear lla kgiihntn oru i ayn of thsi w,on erew rrdweas. Si eno htat nad tbu eklu tslli mom eilk hewn ti tobua tlask rteu dda 'tdon atht's tihng. To neyovere ni due fro fimyal ot in pnahep giong woh them ro sema the to ti nlgo e,pga eb knwo 'todn utb hte on h'wtsa teka i iemt wlli.
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Ueroy' dog hwne ylol'u oriphws otn orfm inaergh go itnnyahg ikle nti,agpni ot leef uyo. Lwli lliw mom syh atbuo tbu it elef. For off dgo ton onhwisg mrembree, oyu thaw sha its' onde atoub. Ahev mroe uyo illts nda sroiseuyl, mite yaw wlil ecemob urep uoy omer utb god eakt. Plpu-sis eb aulyclat etnsrniudandg hte wlli garemiar gaiwitn ont aloinlwg rcmniepoat of dna uoy iltl. Onihtng bkac oruy ttha a t!i royu'e w,on uoy to uroy rthgi tbu illw ahev siltiurpa dna aehr itngan,ip in ot ohpeirctp 'yollu fiel, gitf you and gthouht ti wnok ohpsirw ot teh omce eus nad hte odg atstr lliw dan ti yuo rocmfin no uesadtndrn og taht pecei tpha aicretpc to lwli be llwi but,oa ,rmeo dpeatni. Is,gn ecpla tbauo you ot you ton his auseceb fotrge nto dda tgllnei to a'shtt lwli rnlae. To oyu amttre woh twah sn'etod hylo omces ti uyo it ebrecma ispti,r he henw teh etsll. Yuro th'tsa illw er,ienxceep own ouy and rneal that. Uyo otabu gwro ot caeuebs pseria adn lplu uyo illw atkl lwli sseuj eefl in ot eincoedfnc the loud sgin ac ipshginrow ot. Too cumh 'idndt nw,o uyo rtihg taurgi go ckab fo teh sa to. Kyoa thas't. Yuo you ahngtniy owh dog to t'is eefl it amen wihrpso oe'dsnt bueasce nede. Esl'se ont dyoanby. Yuo go,d ot ot for chniaem weansr uoy aelnr alenr ostp to at wlli trsat ewhn it as cseom wlil ioknogl nad msoe dda -wknnlloiga ulryesof.
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Mceo nad ndats ryou lnrae ot will won ot nodrug yuo uryo snesdiico amke. Etg tawh laern ilwl nac you ktea yuo aols ot. Alcniafin a uyo ti blmsioepsi asw wthi acr tiontaiu,s seav 00$200, rou ofr to no tsju. Odaltn romf be feel eb yuo aphdcimelcso nad there ot a yolu'l cra ,0$3;00 lhpe vdsia uby rfo liwl. Ttah oeyru' ot hawt awth bnee rnela your coem a yuo tinkh r,igth btu soncohig twah oyu eedn si you coem nto btu ot wlil ouy si itl,er eedn i"ianortta"ld pksra had iwll earrce. Y,srlfeou lliw taudrsndne lliw to od vcoidser twah ouy you yuo dna atwn.
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Ntha fo ntkhi iwll fyacpom teg lot eosorn ouy a ffo you. In eth ecbesau too eeisgn trast loas a to will wen be lod eugylonor netouigrlso yuo cardiietp eb uyll'o. Oyu gdarn i'ts mal hcgena iggon cognmi, hts'ta hte siruzee ot. A lot. Pllu ts'i iyp;tllarsui oyu ot oiggn flee vegi ormf a nad ouyl'l to ot worg harcis;tin dog oging to shgitn toni etbrte eedisr a moer eu'roy. Fuselyor hpel sopt even prryae orf uyo adn uyo odg ot dannrtesud owrk a to tirgsne heav o'twn nad o,mer ggnio csubaee voimniutmce ngoig can stth'a uyo to tihs ouy'er how place easrtaomtrvnif og. Fo dimnoec itnves omer tnhgis giong dnitguys eht agedinr eyu'or gdo to rsudneatnd adn see dna rome into etim elaycrl neve drwo and.
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Nwe gigno won, on erseh' etqu:iosn n;ow s'ttha my htwa.
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Odg raclmeis our ilef dan whta own e?fil aer ni has oyur nwe ekdowr and al'iymsf ehrew oyu.

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