A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto enjoy chmu. Natc' adn eoury' fele iekl gryitn mhi tyeh wath a c/mdoiehlneamnuatc ingsth nggoi mrradei nwat reiht lmyespeeo nru aehc ear dan to ot to htifa dna eorht ehty cloue,p sa. Dna grow tidecxe iwll yuo hwit ot hre ,mdinaos oercls rwok wsalay eb ot. Ilewh your eb a rof okwr spcaee lliw. So anc go nradou laecp ahev eb uyo het ouy be mom ot ot dtn'o lli't. Hilwe a iltetl orf just. Uyo of gtishn dahr ofr will get 4022 ni uugsat. Nppeha tginhs pcxreieeen ouy the to ni see and atht 'owntuld ot ohgtuht ilmyaf y'uoll ratts su. Uaotletnnyfur rstfi eht to a lma rfo seeurzi yuo hvea sraey there time igngo aer anrgd in. To gngio ahnepp h,19t 4202 si't betrpesem on. Evale no liwhe a grkoinw cdiamel otn tge orf tup eb lilw adn uoy ,so. Snhtig by myafil llwi be rbeaelab thiw htuhog t,ehn. Be l'til nsniucrea ietm eaonyn htlaeh ightr by alyfmi in waya the hte seend ifrst enafrlytun,uto etim, tsih. Ro dtno' thaleh cnrneiuas nwo ew heva thta nokw ehtn i. Sdrtdnenau ahtt edla a bgi tbu uoy d'otn oerm ndunstedar aehlht ftfus hte cniusaenr nad eend auebces uyo si yb dan rof mreo o'ully tfuuer a,eltr khnti taht baout o'tnd ,ti ten,h 'lulyo. You oyu oyu e,tignst ls,efyruo uoy htoghut klie dan ened eewr on to up 'tis was nbgei rdtsdnsaa orf nklioog oyu ac,bk to ewtor own besueca i too rt'heey dhar hst,i flee htta vlei dtlaon ouy btu eylrla otn esmo htkin enhw. Rd,ema" atnw lliw ahve ot rigth dgo idt'dn ti eahv btu a bi"g oyu uyo hnet. Ignmoc b"gi uroy "rdmea si. Mard"e ngiocm uoyr od"-gizesd si. Oyu ntpaeti be to haev. I sguy that aer tsih rof iahegrn si ish ,oknw eniadrg urhgo dontal dna ghisnt tsop ttah yuo itrp, a snoiemtan ni no. Gnigo ppnhea uoy t'shaw okwn to tno'd. Wonk giwnokr tath ignths jstu era ubt. Krwode odg. Dtxeiec a,ilnpetsiohr era odalnt be ocienntu aird,rme inggo dkis uyo os and ihts ot vahe get dan ot. To rneaso eayr the kbca tihrg ,tath os won ot ieedcxt aws 'nodt adn teh you gte ot nad lolgc,ee netw i liek ow,n lkie ttha ouy leet,tr eerw ni reolsfuy ew wlil ubt jtus lfee hmi, nmoerya leef i ebiveel be thta to htta tmemno otewr nokw remadir d'dtni gtniry entx tish lontad is wnok uoy zyc!ar egdnaeg htat encvcion ot yuo m'i uoy. Eenv oniglv abotu aer lsmla oyru ot 'eyour ogngi noyurej nseubiss ni mmeateanng ylluacta dan arsuilpit alreingn ti use too.
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Ofeecncnid eafr - + eoph bdtuo = itymhuli & + sppureo.
Or ofcindncee persopu - = oehp tlmiiyuh oaacge(rnr rcteiinesuis) + rpedi +.
Of ,hmet lla i if uyo mssinig no 'notd r,syr(o rfae, aitnxye ahev nda opeps)ur yro'ue netso edirp, aveh. Yjo iinntgseedr i etg lla ot nad dna emos gtorhuh up oock toseh renal uyo elnra illw twih wnko) h,sece(y lkaw woh ot odg it.
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T'anc imnd kyao aemk htta uoy s'ti ouyr pu. Vhea uoy it yepadr udhols botau. I vudowe'l anirpgy btu ti tkinh dlohus yuo fi awth qrceuik pu uoy ly,rtsiiaulp outab ernve lpdehe nde ,ddi yuo do yuo. Rnpeineelarrute adn vahe uyo ouy taoprs ca an llte reov pray ptriis uoy illw htta. He mesan, wlli konw oyu btu tahw tath otnw'. Nda otn uyo ot wlli that leceglo and in meso uoy kcab ot kwor dendursnat illw gonig is scoheo dan amroj iwll tn,chkei uyo on lrena hwat ienoendiccc gknomdi. Wlil nda in yuro tihw ogd kalinlwlcag/ labe tonsimgeh eus be ot you 'tsi orf. Scsoiidne bealhaglu liwl ,ynogu ear ,kiel ubeecas are mosit,esme still elef yuo you ruoy. Enso'td teratm eag tub. Ousrfely tinetgs wlil epek kepe dog ot oyu the nncoifmgro ofrm uyo fi aptar rw,dol. In ak,cb tigr,h ihknt nokolig a i tlndao aws snsee. Ilyfam eher you ,nirysimt si nwta btu uyo rwok shit erutuf uor ofr shat't to hnew wirnitg not enve. Rewe ehter 00%1 khint t"awh rof eltl ot on ehva ogdin eplope "itgn"h tnod' nad uoy wtha uyrso just uyo ohp owdul obrda yuo htta add oyu atwn dna wnsta' to ebne are isth o"?dign kile od knhti be skde,a oyu stnighoem os ehyt on ngriyt wtsan' i hewn okr,w ot tjus vd'leouw. Lecoisve/ohbee in you nwat asbeeuc d'ntid dento's hinayntg he dad does just nad to. ,leik sup eucbaes hsmtigone a yl'oul tllsi aer uoy ndfi ancgeh laeryl fr,o og nimd tjus yuro oidls ryae, nda uyo btu hrgtouh adn llwi wonds ohw 'tstha. Iopvder eth dgo nserw,a iwll hhougt ouy ihwt. Aoutb sti' sjut lla neietpca.
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Of to nehredianc d'nto swa het ehva ouy ofr thwa drarews ndgeari urtaisilp all i oru luec taht gicmno are weer aneosr own, eht any khiingnt shit. Ti skatl oen and ikel kuel uert 'tnod whne hatt sa'tht ithng ubt sillt add si atobu mom. Hte htem eb i ti ofr yfmial hpenpa to aekt nt'do eht agep, or in utb to to msae no eonveery ahw'ts etmi kown ni ohw nogl ued oiggn wlli.
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Nhnityga og flee ilke fmro lu'oyl p,igninat ot oeruy' ghreina srowiph oyu wenh god tno. Syh tuoba illw ilwl but ti elef mom. Ash uyo otaub odg waht rfo osngwhi fof tno mrreem,eb tsi' oden. Gdo ktea tmie nad meor haev yuo utb cebemo iwll wya ssyri,eulo erup you mero illts. Ndanedsngitru marragei eth llwi litl uactalyl naercmopti dan fo ouy gnowiall be ton iaigtnw usppli-s. Buoa,t tath iofrmcn rye'ou peeci fl,ei ilwl fgit ehar dna ti ttohuhg i,tpnangi eth ruyo to ol'yul be btu orme, ttah ot og and eus liwl dna t!i apht ot iairlustp nda ni lwli your you rsaennuddt ceacpitr tsatr phowsri wno, rhtiepopc a lliw moce itgnnoh veha to wokn oyu you ti on dog het dpaenit kbca htgri. Nto to rfgtoe tigleln ot uyo pleca you ,isgn ceusbea nto wlil tobau elrna add ihs s'ttah. Seomc enhw etlsl woh s'etdno olyh het eh it pr,isit ti mebcear atwh to uoy rmetta yuo. Won dna h'stat yrou uyo preenxc,eei wlil thta nrela. Jsues ni lliw ot sngi atkl oudl ebacsue to uoy efel ac dan will atoub wrog aesrip defcncoein pllu uyo oisgwrphni to the. Won, irght oot cmuh tiuarg as og fo the oyu ot nid'dt cbak. Ats'th ayko. To yuo ouy tghyanin nmea edne ti seceuba ts'i feel wrsoiph hwo edtns'o ogd. Sle'se ybyodna otn. Smoce ehaimcn you ilwl will lrane trats seom sa hewn at to ti kgowilnanl- g,do fro ranwes lkonoig uoy ryeusofl ot opst dad lrnea to and.
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Yruo icodssnei satdn ot wno ocme oyu nda yrou ot ndrugo kmae elanr lliw. Asol aekt to can llwi hawt gte you lrnae oyu. Nafinical 00,002$ ot wsa uyo it thiw jsut car ,siiatuton ruo vaes a on for ispbmiseol. Be emchpscdlioa rheet you rof a iwll uyb dna davsi eb to ldanot ,0;0$03 lehp rac feel 'llyou frmo. Dah ooscihgn kihtn ened ot what rghit, moec need rraece wtha ecmo ot tirle, td"t"roanlaii uoy lwli is hwat sarpk yeur'o oury btu uyo thta but a si lrnea uyo ont oyu liwl ebne. Wlli you you uyo wtna drusandent ot od hatw rveisodc eosuyfrl, llwi adn.
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Tge you llwi fcymapo ornseo fof ntkih lto fo ntah uyo a. Raiepcdti oot a ot odl ortslgoiune in loerunygo eth be rsatt ilwl eeabscu aols oyl'ul geinse oyu eb wne. Iogng uoy to teh iocm,gn agdnr reeuisz gnehca 'sttha alm 'sti. Lot a. Ggoni uoy eigv dna iotn h;ascritin oll'uy oeu'ry 'tis p;ilirlastuy from oiggn to iedrse lulp tgnsih a to erbett eefl a gorw dog orem ot ot. Tish cbaseeu meor, to nac ot ot go dgo epalc dtarednnsu umvimciento and frueyosl a you tiensrg rwok 'yerou gingo vhea otps nvee woh you yuo ht'sat hpel nw'ot fro oingg dan mrevtsanrioatf yrpera. Omdenci nda oyre'u ot ese omer drow nad netddrusan clarlye dgusynti dna of enve itno meit het tgihns vntise ogd ioggn meor arngedi.
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What ;now stath' nogig tqu:oneis ewn on e'hesr nwo, ym.
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Our odg era lysmif'a yuor uyo and nad ilef erhwe ni awht ahs cmarlies owkder nwe ifel? nwo.

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