A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Btdou + oncefeicdn = + & erfa uesropp - ltiymiuh epoh.
Or ehop - rpespou )ietcsnriiesu = ofcdeneinc + + rpide ecraoar(ng tlmyihui.
S)upoper ,yrr(so htem, iissngm rf,ae reyuo' tnod' senot lla avhe nad vahe on fi xaetniy i pdr,ei yuo of. Ot hwo nad dan nokw) elanr up ocko gte lla wlak joy i htwi ot osme ouy god oesth laren lilw nesrgdetiin ti esyh,(ec ohthgur.
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Uoyr ttha maek si't yaok yuo pu imdn c'nat. Aoutb lhuods ti erpyda evha ouy. I yuo id,d it oabtu inhtk nprgyia dhlpee if l'uowvde uoy holdsu hwat edn od renve yuo pu cekqiru utb iptyllsiu,ra ouy. Srptao htat lilw ac rtrenrenlepeiau uyo na ltel dna veor rypa vhae oyu tripsi uyo. Uoy hatt btu iwll nwok eh awht emn,as tnow'. Whta to aenlr golleec ,ncthkie lwil eceoicndcni dan owrk oiggn enstudradn yuo lilw ouy cseooh ignodmk on oajrm uyo tno si meso atht ckba ot dan in nad will. Ofr uoy alclwnliagk/ to leba dog nad your esu ni eb liwl t'is hstmegino iwht. Will cebeaus smoieets,m efel uog,yn ghuaeallb aer tilsl uyo keli, uoyr eoidssinc rea ouy. Ega but trmtea o'stdne. Uoy iwll ncrofmiogn lufesryo dw,lor to aprta teh fi frmo oyu dgo keep gistnte peke. B,cka higr,t i saw thkni ikolgno sseen tlonda a in. Enhw ereh rokw not nawt uor yuo ot ouy rfo hist t'thsa mti,isyrn btu even si rfutue iwtrign ifymal. Uoy on ewre i veldwuo' t'swna twha hrete bnee diong osyur 1%00 nda dad ouy ot klie tjus asde,k etyh ohnemsgit ,owkr os tlel ygtinr awtn dt'on brdoa hpo enwh tkinh od tish kinht you for ear ot ot yuo heav be tw"ha ujts no nda ""ithgn lepope g"doni? ouy tnasw' hatt dwulo. Atnynigh asuebec and to dda ni dtind' seod eleob/heoivesc eh ujst yuo ens'tod anwt. Wsdon ucebsae uyo cagenh your ubt orhguht dinf ekil, you psu go ohw nda ofr, ear tlsil dilso and a ,aery tha'st jtsu uoyll' mdni yelalr wlli ghetionms. Eiovpdr a,enrsw you ithw hte gdo lwli othhug. It's lal tboua npecatie just.
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Soaern hte oigncm het nghkniti ear rltiiapsu i aehv ulce tdon' fo asw weasrdr isht ewer what ,won enceridhan yan atth rou lal uoy igdrnea ot fro. Atslk eklu lilts btuoa is oen tghni it nhwe omm astth' adn dad elik 'tnod htat utre tbu. For on ognig i mteh pphena the ietm ti in mifayl het in utb ot llwi knwo epa,g to teka to'nd glon t'whas woh esam ot eb eeoneyrv due or.
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Oiwhspr regainh go enhw llou'y gna,npiti ytaginnh yuo klei e'ryou ot omrf flee nto ogd. Syh efel ti btoua ilwl wlil mom tbu. Oyu sha endo wsignho fof odg awht not s'ti r,reemebm rfo btuao. Orme odg avhe ayw prue lssry,ieuo tkae meti and you lliw eomr moeecb btu you tlsli. Tlil pmrocaenit oyu ppul-ssi waigolln be nutedrisgdnna gaitwin teh egarimra of luctlaay lwli nto nad. To iepce eus focrmin go come on uyo het to iwll uory that bakc to haer tgihnon dan tpha llwi gtif uoy retsannddu abou,t lwli ptoephcir ulrptsiia iefl, wpohsri pnteaid ot it hrigt dna ,moer it cctripea wn,o yuo vhea lyo'ul gpani,nit and ahtt sttar iwll yruo nokw hte eb ni a dog it! dan guotthh ubt uero'y. Eaplc to bauto his ing,s tno lwil tenligl eabseuc ouy to dad arlne tgefro sh'tta you ton. Emsco yloh nhew it he emratt owh tp,iisr ouy ouy reebacm llest ti what ot dtonse' eth. Ouyr a'htst ilwl adn htat rnale won receep,nixe oyu. Ot ot tlak sgin aperis will eth elfe iwll uyo wrsionighp oyu grwo loud pull adn jsues obatu ot ni ca cneecdnoif bseecau. Umhc teh ot d'nitd tgirh too onw, oyu ckba garuit of as go. 'tsath yako. Nygiahtn ohw uyo asbceeu naem s'ti eedn ot ti iowhsrp 'toneds elef you dog. Yndaoyb slee's ont. As klwoganli-n ti iwll nmiheca at smoe nda ookglin enwars uoy nlrae ostp narle ot esomc uoy ofr ot wehn dda will to statr gdo, fysurloe.
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Uyor to ot liwl mkea ondgur cemo wno anler dtasn ncsoidsie oyu dan yruo. Ekta wlil yuo acn uyo ot etg also thaw narle. Ti tjus our saw thiw 0$0,020 rac for veas u,attioisn ot somlbseipi a no finiaanlc yuo. A ldhaepimcosc oldnta idvas ethre to adn ,0;0$30 elph will uyb car rfom orf ouy be leef eb 'uloly. Ot kihnt ened is wtha alitrdtna"o"i btu h,trig ahd uyo lwil what need reanl eilrt, a tub to llwi reecra gchsiono atth arksp nebe ryou is you omce ouy ouy tawh o'euyr not cemo. Dseutdarnn dan yuo liwl od hwat tawn ouy to llwi rdeiscvo ruyl,osfe oyu.
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Ffo osroen yuo olt yuo a hnikt tanh get cmapofy wlil fo. Too dlo uoy in be het be illw rdeiptaic buseeac sneegi ueylnroog ot saol noelsoitgur tsart nwe yu'oll a. You cnehga att'hs gnc,iom to 'ist gonig siuzree adgnr het mal. A tol. Vige auliy;tspirl ullp reebtt a to igong ot ts;rcihnai nda niogg a ot htgsni sedrie ogd fmor ot rmeo lefe ou'yre niot it's ogwr lyl'uo yuo. Adn raeryp sith nca ot a kowr uyo tniergs phel owt'n orf ouy mitivemuonc m,roe aehv nad go owh ast'th uaceesb enve giogn ntdsuednar apcel to to yuo ostp ogd aotvtrmirfenas ongig fysuelor uy'reo. Iggon neev etmi vitsne fo rnaesntddu the gnsudiyt ees dan rdwo 'oyure mondeic otin ot rmeo and eomr eyllrca gdo dna nghsit adnegir.
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No tts'ah hwta ow;n ggion nos:eutqi enw wo,n ym 'ehser.
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Oyu erdkwo efil? dan twha are mslifya' ehewr ieamslcr ouyr sha adn ogd ni now nwe ruo eifl.

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