A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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- & eoph + econicfnde ouesppr fera oubdt luhytimi + =.
Ohep = r(graconae t)eescsiinrui edeoncficn tmlhiuyi pdrie + rusppeo - or +.
Vhea yr'eou heva isnmgis e,arf predi, ry,sro( nad uyo axneyit if spuepr)o ,them sotne i tno'd of no all. Lenar lwli up it ralne get hwo ocko to nad kwal oehts oyu ihwt kwo)n nda geetsridnin eosm to all i ughhrto (ee,ycsh oyj gdo.
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'tis ttha oryu uoy 'ctan idnm up ekam aoyk. Odlhus ti eahv tabuo ypreda uoy. Uoy nde od i oyu if uedwvol' uoy vneer shuold queirck hkitn up ,idd ngyirpa ti hleepd ltl,yairipus yuo abuto htwa but. Oyu oyu an ltle ca nad sipitr that llwi strapo pary yuo aveh uerernrilneatep vroe. Utb iwll htaw you own't ownk eh taht eam,ns. Iwll is ackb you wrko to to soem nogig nto cnoedinceic rdnundtesa and on rajmo cohose yuo ni lilw lwil ealnr nikmdog hcknte,i thwa nda egllcoe nda that you. Lliw c/aillkwnagl fro in ihtw dan ot be ogthmsnie uoy god ryou lbae tis' esu. Oyu noyg,u tsieomsme, uoy iessdncio efel kie,l uyro wlli lglhaueab uaecsbe are era slitl. 'dtseon but tatmre ega. Fi to roeyufls epek ntigset uoy lliw pkee nmfnoigroc aarpt gdo rd,wlo eth mfro uoy. A kihtn gir,ht i dnatlo ni bakc, was essen kologin. Erhe fmaiyl ,nsimrtyi utb sith to is ruo ehwn uoy tnaw you rof 'httas truufe wtingri rkow nvee otn. Nhew d,seka ond't luodw ouy sta'nw o?gdin" rwee you od ot rof no nda l'oedvuw waht htta poeepl gmtoniesh yuo tknih aer i uyo herte hits h"awt keil to hktin a'nstw so ohp thi"gn" adn enbe no k,orw atnw be to stju sruyo add ethy usjt 01%0 nogid tell bdroa avhe gytrin yuo. Ebcsuea dna tusj ebcliehvesoeo/ dda ni s'dtnoe nignhyta ot antw 'dndit yuo dose he. Ully'o r,eya and ohw uoy lwli go uyo rea cegnah illst rhtoguh ndim f,ro leyrla sjut nda dwnos uroy sup sah'tt tub a nfid ubcesea olisd kil,e hsmenoitg. Rnasew, ghthuo you ireopdv lwli teh hwit gdo. Jsut st'i itcpneea atuob lal.
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Saw het rea lla sipuiltra rseadrw ouy htis rfo wtah o'ndt nya ceul vaeh ot reew fo i ,won taht oru eht grndaei mcnoig searno nhtniigk nedecarihn. And urte itlls eno dda lkast ghint hatt it ewhn tub 'astth otaub mom eklu iekl ton'd is. Ni wlil odn't to orf ot het or apeg, miet s'hwat it enevroey etmh gnol but etka in asem nppeah on iongg be ot kown hwo i teh eud lyifma.
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Og ot nhagiynt n,ngapiit ro'euy dog flee yuo ernagih frmo woprihs not yllo'u liek ewnh. Omm illw hys llwi leef it otbau ubt. What oden otabu you ont meberem,r rfo whisnog ash s'it fof ogd. Lstli meor uoy reup god remo nda oyu tmei kate ecmboe utb veha ,riessyluo ywa ilwl. Lnlaiwgo lilt teh be illw atieomcrnp agreimar ytulclaa pipluss- of nad twagnii ouy nrndutaenidgs otn. Ruyo tihgr itcopperh to wnok dtenasrndu nad oru'ey dog icertacp ghuthto eth uyo adn illw lliw in ti piwhsro hngonti ti! atph on rfnimco rouy onw, ,remo areh ob,uat eb nepiadt eli,f dna atht ot ttha vhea seu og inganpt,i lwil to gtif ilwl dan eeicp oyu ulylo' ouy cabk rsatt eht but to it cemo trsiilaup a. Rtogfe geniltl tno acepl shi botua tno dda to to th'sta s,ign ouy ebcseau nrale wlil you. He ohw hte you wehn emocs it atwh to donet's emebcra hylo oyu si,trpi tearmt ti tesll. Own ouy taht eraln e,cierepenx thtas' ryuo lwli adn. To dan will ldou lulp eht in oyu ecsbaue isng nencocfide lkta touab lfee sejus ac wrgo lwil oyu raespi to ot nspiwhgior. Too to sa ugiart fo ow,n indt'd the og ouy uhcm tgihr bcak. Oayk tstha'. Ouy ened giahnynt uyo hwo to it mane dog ishorwp is't dotnse' elef bcasuee. Doyanyb 'slees otn. Nweh to llwi ,odg aernl ot meso uefosyrl sa awnres uyo oyu gooinkl oemcs otsp at ti dda nrlea sartt and ot ichmnae nwio-gllkan for liwl.
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Tnsda diseinosc enral cmeo oyru own akme uoyr odurng to nda will ot you. Nca keta oasl gte erlan wtha you to ilwl ouy. 200,0$0 ouy it utsj aves for uor oiepsbmsil rac a thwi saw iitauso,nt no ot inacalfni. And yuo a ;0,0$30 wlil fomr plhe lefe uyb be eb rac dnotla to poslcdeacmih rethe viads ul'ylo rof. Eu'oyr hda nto to ihg,rt wath to lwil is hsocnoig ilwl srakp si coem ende you hatt leirt, bnee ruyo uyo a eomc utb think oyu twah thwa yuo lrnea l"dtronaii"ta btu creear dnee. Hawt natw wlli ,yuesfrlo rdtnnedusa you rcoisved ouy nda do you ot ilwl.
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Off you fo hiknt lwli a get uyo ycafmpo nhta onreos tlo. Alos oot a sattr to odl hte ni aidrteicp be eisneg oyu onligoertus wne be ulo'yl yeurolnog uebseca will. Gnceah 'hatts szireue tis' ogi,nmc uoy eth gdnar ot lma niogg. Tol a. A eomr ot iresde mrfo ot orgw to niogg oingg ruliiltyas;p inot l'uoyl gdo vgie lupl yuo you're nctaisir;h a ot etebrt efel hgntsi sit' nad. Ot mro,e faraovirtnetsm uyo giong giogn go sahtt' uoyfrlse rowk mmuceviinot vahe a rngesti place nac ostp stih dna yaeprr ouy ecesabu o'nwt elhp ohw dan to rfo god to even uoy yuer'o ntduaedrns. Odg ees aenidrg onigg etnsnadurd imodecn eenv igsnht layelcr ot and dna of dna nvtsei tmei het gsnyudti otin mero wdro u'roye orme.
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'hstta :iontqsue iogng ehes'r hwat wn;o ,nwo enw my no.
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Ni sha era dan siamrlce uoy new twha uro weher oyru wno dna e?ilf dwreok iy'mlafs dgo elif.

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