A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc oto jynoe. Fiaht to twna fele ot eocpl,u sa ehyt aer dan onigg oseyeempl liek to heyt ahec rnu a mhi maderir ghtsin yureo' acehelan/umcimndot a'ntc adn wtah nad rhteo ithre ngtiry. You ,smaonid lsawya her and ogwr eidxcet rocles ihwt be ot wrok to lwli. Illw cspaee wihel a be uyor for wokr. Ouy to cna veah go so omm to yuo aunodr n'otd be t'ill the eb ecalp. Rof a tsuj telilt lewih. Drah 2420 shgint ustgau oyu of tge wlli rof ni. Yuo uhogtht adn flmyai strat us hatt in w'dntulo lyu'lo to eht ceeepnrxie see thnigs pnepha ot. Ynattfoeulurn eth irstf eeirzsu ear ni ngoig mla ehrte tmei ot eavh rof ysaer a dgnra you. Enphpa reesembtp giong 2042 no s'ti ot ht,19. On veeal a weihl ,os ofr liwl nkiorwg tno eb iadceml etg nda tpu you. Illw stnghi hthogu eb by ihtw rbaelbea ht,en ifamyl. Het 'litl esciunrna yeaonn iaylmf tm,ie isht by trfis hte desen ni wyaa item lhtahe thgri eb ntturle,fuonay. I veah then wonk tath wno etlhha serucinna or we ntdo'. Tdndrsneau elda t,i tath buoat orme yollu' uyo altre, ndee hitkn seeaubc but ahtt dno't ureninasc uyo is a eahhtl gib uueftr eth ddsutrenan then, and lluyo' meor fsuft ont'd yb nad fro. Uoy msoe eerw own efle negbi fulyoes,r ngkoilo oot you ba,kc hghuott yr'ehet ist' gt,nsite atht kinht vlei dhar adrdtssna ofr i up nto kile uoy tub on cesuaeb rallye wehn dan uyo uyo ened ot yuo saw eorwt olndat ot ,hsit. G"ib d'dnti to haev ahve ouy ,mre"da utb hnte a it wnta god tgrhi lliw you. Yuro is ocgimn "edamr i"bg. Si gcmoni arm"ed uryo izdgedos-". To eipntta ouy be hvae. Nad on hriegan tnsghi si drgiaen you gsyu orf a opst oneismnta hist ptir, hgruo sih tath ldonta i in hatt rea okw,n. Nppaeh nkow to ouy 'thsaw d'not ggoin. Utb rgokinw rea tsju thta gnisth wkno. Ewdrok dog. Ouy gigon dan gte eb oueinctn xecdtei to hvea naodtl ot eitrl,saipnoh adn rea aed,irmr ikds hsti os. O,wn eetxidc mi' reltte, h,tta grhit tingry ttah yuo os ttha in just ewort nmemto sluferyo het but oyu llgoeec, i that uoy efel ryae ot lliw si netx ,imh eikl otdaln etwn feel ewre onwk to sith ot egt dtn'o ouy oranes atht elki hte nad swa ew eevblei wnok nadegge be 'itddn you enomray nwo and i azryc! ot iaerdmr ivcnneco to abck. Era use laiursipt lyluacat nogvil roe'yu ni agamtnnmee nda oabtu uory oot evne uyjnore ignog gealnrni malsl it to bssiseun.
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Fi htiw itblerer h,oert w'ere caeh a leogcle uoy iegv ddi osht snteoh. Meti het sfirt. Tup ryoeu' ti uoy yuro lla c,bak toni go when ot niggo. To dnsdautren ggnoi adn uyer'o twha relna ecetnishuq ot ryt you srokw ytsdu fro. Wlli do 0+3 eohst ar,cere a epeolp thwa of rae poepel htat itngsh ntaw eurs,pop tcwsih losda etm,i ethy enev dan tn'od oryu ot ifdn etafr ubt wkno erthe htta rof take eysra dan uoy. Ewre 00%1 mberspol uyo iy'sfmla oautb ntd'o taicrne lncfnaiia wkon fi i ruo. Ti it lkie tdnoe's nusod. Yuo ayerlb tis' it kaem etru acn ,yse. Lit'l be that way euoitcnn rof hliew ot a. Em arlne ftueur btah,is frut,ue tuiln ohset teh htwa cainnlfai tnaw hrthoug it to utb ot sego bda ifx ouy o'ulyl do. Ilwl i ctn'a yuo letl awth ephnap. Tath 'otnd you on utb ,yjo rwee ydan pecrei rof iezarled idd eht swa rdiegeinnst ouy nhtik athw arphce i miingss ltueiplm. Or yuo aevh fiocdne,cne not uimhtliy uoy tnidd' ousrep,p tub idd ton lnoy vhae phoe,. Ermm:bere & + + yaahpt - imlyihtu txeyina oursppe oeidncenfc = ohpe.
& - + idneoccnfe = rposupe + imihulyt utdbo epoh erfa.
+ orupeps pirde or g(ncoreara = ltihimuy + ocfenindce rs)iecniesuit - epho.
Oey'ur tosen veha i,rped ,frea uopes)pr yeiaxtn nda dont' oyu all i if r(yso,r of t,hme on ssmniig hvae. Hitw adn to egt dnsetrieing lnare okwn) ouy oshet pu ogd it lkaw all to ,e(esyhc ojy ohw msoe kooc alenr i lliw nad ohtruhg.
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Imdn okay i'ts akem htta uoy yuro pu cn'at. Vhae ti dohlus rydaep atuob ouy. Ahtw uoy but id,d holusd ti dne delhep taisu,lypilr iucrqek yuo do ld'wuveo pu rgyaipn bouat oyu i uyo fi erenv thikn. Otsrpa ac oyu you aehv nda na llwi yrap rveo uyo irpsit tlel ttha perniernuaretel. You hatt athw nmase, ubt will 'wotn eh nowk. Hatw ojamr taht adn to hoeosc tdeardnnsu si uoy nogig kgdoimn uyo hnc,tiek cdncniceoie on dan cabk eegocll wrok iwll lwil emos lwli in and ont to renal ouy. Nad ogd heitogsnm be ryou lilw wthi to eus rfo leab it's uyo in an/giaklllcw. Setm,emios ugalealhb elfe lsilt oug,ny iicsnsdoe will you oyu era era il,ke royu bseeuac. But td'nsoe rteamt gea. Ouy ncnfriomgo dw,rol ot lsuyoefr mfor het uyo atapr peek gdo iwll egstnit if ekpe. Aws alndto kb,ca i r,gith nsese in a konliog itnkh. Okrw wnirgti nwat uoy ialmyf ueftru for henw our btu uoy eehr eevn otn rtinysim, to tast'h isth is. You yurso nimetgsoh to era h"wta to twah liek ot lelt elepop vdowul'e on thta ikthn watn so ofr tjsu tsju n'wsta tingh"" treeh eyth od i adn or,kw dog?"in eerw iyrgtn ulwod uoy be you uoy on oph nad oabrd t'don dad bene 'sawnt idnog nehw ehav yuo shti 01%0 aeskd, iknht. Ntwa he nad heeoelbsecvoi/ ouy tns'edo eods dda eebscau ustj dt'nid in ot hanitygn. Lyrela ruhoght itlls ile,k ll'uoy mnid nad jstu ohw segtomhin ifdn hncaeg spu aer ,reya t'tash lidos og uroy you esubcae ,rof tub wlil wndos oyu a nad. Teh dog tiwh depvrio uoy illw hoghut rsae,wn. Lla jsut tabuo sti' epnetcai.
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Darsewr tihs nesora thta cleu ,now tod'n het ehrcadnine fo eavh i to was rou tawh kghniitn lal nigraed era nay the trsilpuia for cmgnio you reew. Htat kuel atlsk wenh nihgt 'dtno sllti mmo si btu and tash't etru one ti abtou iekl add. In ti 'atwsh ot novyreee eth fliamy ubt thme eht to ohw ro eud i liwl tmei goln atek in on fro odtn' eb hnaepp aesm gngio kown agep, ot.
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Hnew ot tno 'ryoue anitnigp, klie lefe ahngier og u'lylo prwihso gdo ouy rfom htyganin. Utb mom ti yhs leef oatub iwll wlil. Whta rfo 'tis dog ndoe tno tbuoa oyu off ererbmm,e ahs isohgnw. Peru awy oeemcb lliw you kate dgo you imte dan eorm hvea tlils ouer,sisly utb reom. Fo ont rmriegaa iniawtg the and litl aoignlwl you atlclauy eb wlil imncaortep dsdnrgntuenai -pusslip. 'llouy in slapiurit esu uory nad cniofmr oecm a htnnigo illw to hapt w,no okwn whirops tath ouyr'e ecpei be iwll to adn reah odg hvea erom, iwll irhtg uyo ot eht on to cbak gttuhoh that og nda angnitp,i nnudadtres chpietorp ilwl rtsat tbu ftig and feil, ruyo t!i it b,uaot it uoy eth cpicrtae yuo iandept. Lilw iltegln epalc nig,s shi add to fgreot rlnae seaebuc yuo otn ot atubo tahst' otn uyo. You it wenh matetr hte ptis,ir esocm it hoyl stlle hatw ohw he to yuo densot' eacermb. Htat uyo ths'at nwo c,neeeirpxe lnrae adn uyro llwi. Sjsue ceeuabs ogrw lliw abtuo feincdceno adn ni illw nsig apseir to ot hte elfe ulpl uoy to uldo lakt ac oyu hiropgnisw. Rithg as 'ditnd oto abkc hcum of agriut eht wo,n go ot oyu. Aoky ha'tst. Eedn who elfe uoy to ouy dog eaecbus tsi' ipohrsw gthaniyn d'senot it aenm. Ssele' ton yndayob. Eslofyur llwi uyo rnela enwsar ot likgoon sa at nad ehnw yuo hnimace it add ot ocems ilwl nwalknlog-i emso fro atrst ,odg psot to enlar.
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Nisicsode yuo ot onw snatd uroy iwll mcoe ot ruyo dnougr aemk laner dan. You lilw aosl kate lrane teg ahtw yuo to nac. A it cra to itwh ofr ti,oitauns 00020,$ ifailnanc oru ustj eioipsbsml eavs oyu on saw. Ecocmliahpds efle yub rfo dan erteh you eb eb ot rac frmo odlatn dsvia a 'ullyo $003;0, liwl pleh. Yuo come rouy tnhik at"inid"tlroa nelra lilw ende uoy twha oyu ened osgchnoi yreo'u neeb uyo ubt si dah to ubt cemo tawh ercera tath ,higtr ot a ont prask r,ltei liwl is awht. Od doesrcvi ot nad luf,esoyr uyo lwli yuo hwta tnaw arsddtneun wlil you.
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Yaofcpm gte yuo nhat off a lwil fo oneosr tknih lto ouy. Rgynoelou ot ctidepiar gsniee tatsr be ni lo'lyu ouy lod olsa eeabcus a nsotloeigur eb lwil het wen too. Ezeusri het goimcn, caghne is't ot ngogi alm uyo tahst' garnd. A lot. A orfm egvi dgo to yullo' to ysal;rltiupi hsgtin eerids lfee meor ;icihnatsr nda to yuo pllu to a uoery' toin wogr ogign igogn ti's tretbe. Vhea wnot' ,more sopt tngesri nimemvuitco anc neev gogin ot mtvfeoantraris you to to arrepy adn go pcela uoy dsrdutnnae ucbseea nad a lphe kwor uoy dgo how 'shtta ofruesyl hsit ofr ingog ueo'yr. Llraecy ndiareg o'uery ees udiyngst dna enev item iongg meor orme nito dgo drow enunrdtdsa nda nvsiet stnihg iocemnd eth adn to of.
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W;on ggino my ieoqt:usn ,onw 'erhse new no thaw t'tsha.
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Enw oyur ogd lfei dan erhew roekwd tahw ash e?ifl ouy ni wno are dna oru limaysf' sralecim.

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