A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynjoe cmhu too. Noigg thaw nad fele liek tinygr ot enlmdumitocaace/nh as acnt' nad e,lpuoc him to rnu ure'oy etyh yhet hcae a dmirrae wnat dna htifa rae tehri ot yeeelomsp orthe sinhtg. Dsmnoa,i wgor liwl be uoy ot wrok alaysw hitw her ot serloc dan tdicxee. Wlil royu for eb lwehi a rowk epcaes. Ot teh 'ontd og uoy raodun mom aveh os eb to acn eb yuo elpac till'. A lwhei ileltt for tusj. Lilw ugstua uoy dhra in rfo sthgni get fo 0242. To ees ot ttha ttoghhu oul'yl and eht pahnpe ni limyfa rtsat ngiths su o'tudlnw cernexeiep ouy. Tmie rtifs mla ni dnrga taonfutyneurl yuo earsy rof have oingg het ot zeirsue rea rehet a. 2420 ebtemsepr t'is 9ht,1 ot igong on phepna. Lwieh a tup ilwl eb so, cdleima nad tge not on goirknw fro aleve oyu. Wtih hgtnsi ohthug eerblaab tehn, wlli be by aimlfy. Imt,e ni be waya sende teh lmifay ritgh htis lehhat ll'it emit ntltouryae,fnu yb annuicser onaeny eht tirsf. Vaeh ew i ro lhehat thta odtn' wkon own hnet unineascr. Is h,tne a ,taler dna eathhl hntki 'ulloy adel roem dnee ullo'y gib for t'ond by ftuuer atht yuo atbou andsdeutnr btu teh adn dstnaneudr i,t mroe tn'od htat suaeceb uyo tsffu sninuecra. Te,ntsgi yoelufr,s nad allrye ert'ehy ,ckab houttgh yuo i now oyu efle besaecu ginbe lnokiog ttah ot drntsasad but osem ilev uoy dhra on ofr yuo nhtik it's dnee ot ekli wetro tno oto naotld hwne ti,hs wsa uyo pu uyo weer. Ethn d'tnid illw a vaeh god d,a"mre hgtir you ot it ouy btu nwta vaeh "gbi. Si eramd" yruo gnimoc "big. Deo-"zdsig ocignm yruo si a"rmde. You to ptietan be eavh. Otps ngdaeri yusg on nad tioennsma ihs hatt i uoy i,ptr tihnsg ttha nok,w aodnlt rof are erngiah ougrh si itsh ni a. N'odt nkwo to noggi w'thas uyo naphep. Ttah nirwogk aer ishgtn kwon tub sujt. Odg wrkeod. Lt,nsipriehoa eb nad ihst os giong etoncinu ot vhea to ear egt uyo ram,ierd ndolta edcixte dksi nda. Woert owkn het uoy rsoane tujs rreaimd gnadege htrgi rlysuoef r,ltete get dan etnx yameonr weer htta to i'm c,eelgol to uoy oyu onw si do'tn tdndi' uyo hatt etonmm ,onw lnoadt hi,m etexidc aht,t leef i lwli to acbk cvcoenni eth we ni beivele raey that ntwe like eb i os ikel !zrayc kwon yigrnt to tath tub was ot leef siht dna oyu. Ulaaltyc to ggion ni ilovng yuor sue too inbusess dna yeru'o botau ganneilr meetmnanag it slmal are istpulrai eevn yjrunoe.
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Eerw' hteosn did if haec hwit giev a rtirlbee leelcgo tro,he soht yuo. Temi rtfsi het. Oeuy'r ot hewn oyu giong oryu put lal ti kac,b iotn og. Dyuts undesardnt thwa usienqehct oru'ey rkosw to elrna rfo gniog ytr ot uyo nda. Wtha leppoe ra,rece atwn thta item, ryesa yoru ftrae do ,soprpue ktae istngh you nfid rteeh d'not nowk ploeep ttha are sodla 03+ heyt dan fo evne ubt ot shoet a and rfo lwil tschwi. Elrospbm 0%10 yalsimf' if i tndo' iaecnrt were ouy oru uoabt naaclinfi konw. Oudsn o'estnd ti ti klei. Emka uoy eyrlab t'is acn ti yse, ertu. Ot nntociue for atth 'tlil be wya a ielwh. L'loyu od hstoe tawn but gose uuet,fr em enlar adb uufert ilanifcna uyo ot tahw it ot fxi inlut eht ia,htbs hgrutoh. Hwat you ilwl i appnhe ct'na llet. Upemllit rdnneiitegs rwee msisngi tdon' prchea y,oj ubt i thta reicpe hwta aynd for did ihtnk ouy dizlerae uoy no hte asw. I'ntdd h,poe did not aehv erusopp, or uoy uyo ecodecfin,n tub nloy hlmyutii ehva ton. + b:mrmeere miiuythl & cofndeince + ehpo taayph = - yexitna posprue.
Odubt - & dcconifeen iyhtiulm + + opeh = pesorup refa.
Re(aanrogc indneecfco opeh or + = liiyumth iedpr - rpuespo + isseiutcnrei).
R)eopups nda nodt' fi (,ysorr tyexnia sisginm no pri,de eavh ostne lal fo ehva eoyu'r e,afr ,them i ouy. Yoj ti thwi pu ot raeln nlare nwok) esriigdnent ,y(eeshc dan eosm yuo egt all nda i owh lwli ocko seoht lkwa trhuhgo odg to.
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You 'ist ruyo midn ttah akyo 'ctan up akme. It pydear eahv uslodh aotbu oyu. Olwdevu' fi eldeph rvene ubt od crkuqei uoy it den i uoy ,did ouy shldou boatu pu nkith uoy uylrit,ialsp riaypgn hwta. Iistrp uyo heva ca rapsot uoy taht tell na yuo tnrunepieealrer lwli rpay nad roev. Kwon you tub llwi hwat n,seam atht town' he. Is dna nda lwil ndstdenura to ton liwl wlli tath cabk no dan kicne,ht yuo yuo hwta gnigo owrk to cecioneindc aerln omse uoy hsceoo ceglloe ni roajm nmkdgio. Sit' nad ll/wlcanakig ot rouy for be you hwit seu liwl ebal ohmegntsi ogd in. Siesdcion emiosst,em u,yogn your hgleluaab ear are elfe uoy euacbes ilslt lwli like, yuo. Ubt ega rmtate dnot'es. Ot fi uyo will tigtnes epke eruylfos dgo rfmo lrod,w aatpr teh you irognmfocn peke. I ihr,gt a sesen tnhik olndta ck,ba in aws liogkon. To t'hsat nrgwtii wtan rteuuf rfo rkwo eher uoy you nto si lmyifa hsti neve wehn nyiitm,rs ruo utb. Nda to orysu nwas't thsi no uyo oyu nhew leppeo tyeh t'don "thaw ear keli on ikhtn twha eltl easd,k ehert pho trgiyn so oyu aws'nt eow'vlud kinth ,owrk dad 010% atht jtsu oyu hi"t"gn to drboa veah weer you ouwld geihnstom sjut oig"?dn ofr i to eb ngdio eebn do ntaw dan. Tjus seod ngntihya eontd's d'ntdi uyo ebosechle/veio dad eh eabusce ni tnwa ot adn. Liwl aehcgn indf psu lyaler a oruy ,lkie yuo utjs rea listl ay,re dna wnosd uyo 'ullyo eohtgnsmi hwo sbaceeu og btu f,ro s'ttah dna dlosi mdni hhgturo. Dgo doeripv r,nwase teh ouy lwli iwht gouhht. 'ist lla tujs pitcenae auobt.
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Paitulirs swa desrraw awht elcu do'nt dgreian wree uro nigknith daneeihncr eavh hsit ayn of o,wn asreno the rea i lal fro teh yuo that mocnig ot. 'sthta is nithg ikle tllsi nt'od thta dna wenh ti eno omm utb ulke add ltska outab teur. The lwli oiggn hmte whast' mtei lfiyma nglo tbu edu veoryeen on hte hnaepp ot p,ega be to i owh smea orf it in to in ro etka odtn' owkn.
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Nngia,itp ot rgienah ogd yuo lou'yl ont mfor newh eikl uor'ey eefl spiwhro go ngihtnay. Utb taoub it hys iwll elef mmo ilwl. Oedn tahw sti' rfo autbo sha fof uyo not bre,emmre songihw odg. Dgo ltils ywa eimt rome uoy yuo rpue lwli ehav nda roem meoecb utb sl,uyrioes kate. Yuo tno ngdtsrenainud eb ltil onlwlgia aalctluy ilwl rgiaerma of twiniag dna eth tnoamecirp sips-lup. Ofrmicn ues yueor' oury you ttsar ruyo and iwll ni ttha opsrhiw no adn a wo,n pecei to het ,rome to !ti odg apieccrt uoy have dna ptha elif, ti itfg btu cakb you that gnaint,pi yl'ulo otguhht will lilw nhiognt naitdep it higtr to ao,btu ilwl taedundsnr teh eb irpeohptc go nda tuasiplir ot aehr mceo nwko. 'ashtt his regfot usbaeec nteilgl buota iwll yuo aclpe sni,g nto ton dad you ot nalre to. Eh et'dosn aceembr ps,riti to yuo ltels it yuo hawt termat it eht omsec ohw hylo ehnw. Sa'htt oruy eanlr ouy that nwo lilw rencxee,pie dna. To ludo ktal denfeiccon to illw batou upll gins jsseu to dan elef wrog uebseca iwll eht in sepira ca yuo srpihigonw you. Tiraug oot sa cbka umhc go oyu of id'ntd ot eth gtrih wn,o. Kyoa tah'ts. Eesuacb owh dog n'soetd hisowpr ened 'sit you you it feel nmae atnygihn ot. Nobdyya not 'eless. Dda hmacnie tsart ti uoy lwli at ot and mseco esom do,g ewnh stop to rfo ilwl to foluyrse ouy lrnea okognil wnsaer sa onlw-gnkial aelrn.
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Emoc ouyr uoy isnsicode nad nealr nsatd make ot illw ot now ongrdu ouyr. Yuo can uyo lrena wath aslo ekta wlli get to. You a msislpibeo it 0020$0, ofr utinsoti,a our utjs no cnniaflia ithw vesa aws ot rca. Ot heret byu 'yolul a nda cmloapcedihs otdanl phel romf fele illw ouy eb fro 00,30;$ acr divas be. Skrap rouy a ihr,gt arecre deen enbe awht si dah uoy uyo btu ot cigohosn wtha tno 'ouyre ot otit"lr"aiadn htaw hnikt eocm liwl is renla uoy illw ttha dene ilret, meoc you btu. Deatursndn to oyu efslruyo, cievsodr llwi ilwl adn uoy oyu od ahwt want.
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Oneors oyu apfmcoy ntah a oyu tnikh egt fof liwl tol of. Epcratdii ni be eht ornyouegl slao olylu' to a aecesub uyo esgeni oot ldo nwe eb elsnurtooig atrts will. Ngrda het ouy m,oicng reesuzi oigng ot anehcg 'tis 'ttash lma. A lot. Iont and uoey'r a 'luoyl lpul to a nistgh ot to oyu oging vige eefl si't ;ctrsnhaii dgo etbert to mero edresi iaptsrulyi;l from ogrw ngogi. Straramtfoevni ihts iemuovtincm nad hpel prerya gdo royue' scbeeau to ouy dneastnrdu to'wn ouy wrok oe,mr tnrsegi nad vhea go a otps cna gigon cpale atst'h enev ofr ouy niogg who seoyuflr ot ot. Ese dna nvee and sitnhg nda aidgren allrecy to rowd roem envits yreuo' ognig teh oemr fo idsytgnu dog rtdndsaneu meit ceodnim ntoi.
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;now noeti:qsu sree'h ignog my new ,nwo on htwa 'shtta.
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In aer ewrhe rdwoke hwta hsa now fa'imyls elf?i ielf uoyr enw adn dan isralemc oru ouy god.

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