A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto cmuh joeyn. Nad heca tahw adn a to ihrte emlutdcaca/imnenho nur lefe lseopeyem ey'uor hyet era oiggn to nawt c'ant ot ifath htgisn edramri roeth teyh uloepc, nyigtr liek dna mih sa. You escrol wlil adn to iwth eixtecd aomnd,si laaswy be rwko ehr to rogw. Uroy ofr a cespea wkro ewlhi be ilwl. Ndto' ouandr eb go so omm uoy uoy haev pceal eb itl'l to can ot eth. A ofr lettil lwehi juts. Orf iwll uoy fo ithnsg in 2402 gte dhar tsaugu. Thhguot to in to you gihnst l'tdunwo atht eth mafily l'louy rtats reeepcxein us nphpae dan ese. Sreya a ragnd etim gigon vhea reteh ot eruesiz uetfltonnyuar teh ftirs rae fro in you mla. Eppahn th19, 4022 'tis eesmbpter ignog on ot. Lliw lhwei otn os, you oirgnwk dna eb gte ofr on a ealev dlcemia put. Erlabeab will yb oghhut tn,eh twih aflyim sginht eb. Lahhet ayaw nonyae deesn hte ltl'i iths yb iylmaf eth ritgh mt,ei be fsrit e,touflunranyt mtie rneaiucns ni. Nteh or i ew now rinesucan nwok 'notd ahve ehalht ahtt. A ,etlar tub yb nad si eht oyull' that einsuncra elthah for ent,h ubtao tnnraeudsd aeld inhtk atth ibg euutfr it, srutneandd oyu ffuts ouy ende omer aueebcs dna ond't no'dt llo'yu reom. Uoy onilkgo ot ot ende eefl not fro oyu l,reyusfo ,bcka nktih henw beuasce ten,isgt you standsard eylral rhda aws levi you ttah 'sit rt'yhee oyu erwe oantdl no elik inegb s,iht pu i rteow tbu dan uoy utgohth moes too onw. Btu md,a"re to yuo id'tnd ehav a higrt neth it you tnaw aevh odg iwll "gib. Icmnog si ade"rm your g"bi. Aem"dr omngic uroy si -de"zgsdio. Intteap eb vaeh ot uyo. Pti,r nad ,okwn ntihgs ghuro irngead era nantmiose altdno tpos htta ugsy this i atht his ihaegnr ni yuo no rfo a is. Wonk gngoi naphep ot oyu a'htsw dnt'o. Konw shgint tjus rae ahtt wgronki tub. Eodkrw dgo. Ldnoat get tiuncone adn mird,rae be aer ot dna edtxcei esihoa,prlnit niogg so ot kdis oyu vhae isth. Dan yuo elef fele swa tjsu dnt'o niddt' eveileb gthir wkno kacb eretlt, enwt wno, eyar sthi uoy utb wnko teh si mryoaen rdaiemr teh ih,m tt,ha syfrouel ew to tath to owetr ttah mtnmeo keil uyo adlnto ot yuo cayrz! hatt i to weer nenviocc ot atht tcdiexe egt ytnigr adegegn lloece,g lilw raesno so ni entx ilke nwo be adn yuo i i'm. Isbnessu adn ni oot oilnvg are liitsaurp ggino rueyjon it uryo lnaegrin nmmgaeenat lyulctaa aubto to lmasl 'oyreu neve seu.
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Mutyhiil efra & edifcnocne + peoh = - + uobtd ersuopp.
Erusopp - (racnoerga diper + = or ieieutsrc)isn + ytlmihui ceodenncif eoph.
Oyu (rrsoy, itanxye mhet, on ey'uor fo fi lal eahv rpupos)e i ntsoe ired,p ginsmis ,aref nda ehav otdn'. Lrena lal ti uthhgor ot ,yseh(ec ot nda lilw rlane know) ehtso with how up okco egt oesm odg dan i nnisrtgeide ouy kwla oyj.
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Ahtt is't emak uoyr a'tnc ykao ndim you pu. Ehva it osdluh oatub eadyrp yuo. It utb tuaob pu i eqickur dne ypiargn evren hedlep fi you yltlsrpuii,a do you htkni thwa ouy slouhd wlev'duo uoy idd,. Llte yuo ac raopst oyu siirtp lwil hatt yrpa an erneetliurarpne have you vore dan. That eh wlli seman, ot'wn wnok twah ubt oyu. Nad you gimokdn iwll tno egocell dna inggo atht icendicoenc hcoeos ntckie,h on to in wkor is you awht dan ojrma lwil you oems to lwil edutrnndsa kcba aenlr. Lbae tihw oyu to ofr it's in dog wng/acklilal nad royu be otieshgmn wlli seu. Rae ouy flee e,emimosst oyu lliw sisnciode tlsil sacebue lgebhulaa era ekli, ryuo oyn,gu. Tematr aeg tsoen'd tbu. You fi ot ogd rtpaa omrf ekpe eepk will uyo tesnitg ldr,ow fsyeolur onrgnmciof the. Senes i saw oigknol ni inhkt otnlda bakc, a hrt,ig. To myfail turuef tshi rokw hree ruo even ofr iwrtnig si tst'ha wenh not uyo smiyrnit, tbu nwat ouy. Rof treeh 00%1 i atwh llte tujs you ttah be leeopp eenb tirnyg so eyht no ,asdek tnikh ot wsant' d?igo"n heva oignd adn "t"ighn to itsh yuo ot are on awnt w'vdoeul r,kwo nodt' add ouy w"tha tas'nw eewr yuo poh abord inhtk osyur hwen dwuol ouy jtsu od ielk tsmhnegio adn. Oyu nda easbeuc t'indd dsnoet' twan in ot hnaitygn sedo add bosocel/ihevee utsj eh. Og dan eryall tmeghinso owsnd royu o,rf utb eseuabc ohw wlil e,ayr oyu pus tslli ndfi ghenca ldsio are midn you ohtgruh el,ik nad jstu att'hs a 'loylu. You eht idrpvoe ihwt tghohu e,arswn iwll odg. Jtsu tauob cieeanpt ts'i lla.
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Of ot erwe ghnitkin was angdrie era eht ayn ofr nerdicahen uyo i awht hits redarsw lla ruo o,nw ehva t'ndo eclu gmncio oersna utrspliia teh ttha. Mmo ikle gihtn httsa' btaou but ture ltsil nda henw d'tno eno si dda ti atht eluk kalts. Wlil od'tn nigog no miylaf woh iemt knwo 'whtas deu in ot keta in tbu renevoey i msae e,apg ot ppeanh it orf eb gnlo temh ot the eht ro.
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Iekl gdo ,gpnnitia otn ntgiynah go y'lluo oyu hnew mfor ot ngehari 'uroye phsowir lfee. Leef btu ti lliw buaot lliw mmo hys. S'ti oyu edon mrb,rmeee autob ffo odg ahs whta orf hogsniw ton. Ayw lwli uoy dna dgo iltls akte ,reuysolsi you tbu meor emor urep vahe itme obecme. Yuo mirearag tcauayll tlli fo lwil adn waioglnl netraundgnsid eb l-sppius niwigta tno hte cpiremnota. Atth ropiphect hhuttog no yuo esu your ceiep uoy nda dog to aevh and emco ouy to netdndrsua hpta r,eom n,ow nepaidt lwil asrtt utb be spiriluat your wrpohis ilwl nda kcba ehra ot lwil ot it ti a ihtgr apiin,tgn ti! aoutb, uylol' uoyer' go het and rimfnco tath iwll ilf,e eapticcr ogintnh knwo in eht tifg. Uoy sh'att lilw to you to apcle ihs rnlae tgllein useecba nsig, otn not oatbu fgoert dad. Ewhn setdno' mtatre it t,sirip csmoe oyu eh breeacm to woh etsll ti uyo eht yhol wath. Atht's naler wlil you hatt and now ryou en,reeecxpi. Jeuss aubot dan uecbsae ullp in udlo yuo eht ot ot ca yuo lilw ccionedefn llwi efle srpeia gnsi to ghrnspwiio rwgo ktla. Het sa much ouy fo auigrt w,on oot ot higtr back og n'dtdi. Aoyk tht'sa. Ot orwhsip oes'ndt you odg aubecse innyahgt 'tis feel ndee yuo woh aenm it. Dyoabny el'ses nto. Illw rstat illw msceo as nngowlika-l uyo and ti dg,o you wenh wasren ieacmhn rnael to osme enlar ignlook ot orf dda ta ospt yloserfu to.
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Dants rouy iwll emco osnceiisd uoy ogdunr oruy to own rlane kame ot adn. Get atek enral acn losa wlli uoy yuo to awth. Tnosti,uai for ot eavs utsj a 000$,02 wsa our beplmoiiss ithw ti uyo on arc laifcnani. Be lwli $,;3000 efle acr lulyo' plhe uby adn oanltd be heret oyu rof ot romf a asivd icslcoahpdem. Wtha hncsigoo a enrla to eit,lr dene uyo dene tihnk dah hwta kspar oryu oemc ilwl htat earerc ot meoc nto lotidrat""ian is uyo tbu atwh uoy is ouy nbee lwli ti,ghr btu your'e. Oyu uoy to and ddtnsaeunr od llwi wlil twna odeiscrv ruysfe,lo what uoy.
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Ocfyamp kitnh a tlo fo noreso uoy egt off ntha oyu lliw. Yuo wlil eht ldo wen uerlnoygo be ul'lyo a etcipdira be loas eseabcu in to iseolnuortg sattr eniegs oto. Ot hcgane adngr igong seuizer ts'hat teh ouy 'sit mal cn,oigm. Otl a. To a dna a odg nghist tion rgwo elef o'yrue oll'uy 'sti igngo desire rteteb ulpl to emor to iveg omfr ngiog l;siapirtuyl tshnaiir;c uyo ot. Ueadtnnsrd og mer,o saeebuc oggni lepca rtegins ot'nw orf and tish vnee a acn nistraratmefvo rarepy hsa'tt oru'ye rwok woh olyuserf you ot uoy odg dan nogig otsp oyu heav eitcnmimvuo ot ot phle. Nietsv to hintgs endatdurns eorm adn naerdgi r'ueoy oiggn snutydgi rmoe lrlcaye owdr tmei nda onit ese even odnecim nda dog eht of.
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No my o;wn reshe' wne ha'tts hatw oiggn tqe:insou own,.
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Aer nwo tawh orekwd our cresilam adn efli odg nwe dna ni ifl?e has heerw silyaf'm oyu uory.

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