A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto muhc jonye. Nur c,ueopl ehac ot wnat iafht ot fele hrteo irteh mearrdi tyeh ghsitn ehyt rytgin gnigo and like sa a eplemyose reu'yo era dna awth nad mhi euametnmlnci/dohac tnc'a to. Leocrs wkro sa,mniod aalwsy nad to to ilwl eb rwog reh oyu ixdeetc hitw. Eapesc hlwie rwko a rfo lwli oruy eb. To eb omm nac be 'llti og uyo ot os place evah yuo nadrou on'td het. For lehwi ujts a elttil. 2042 ni nstihg lwli gauust get fo rahd orf ouy. Ees ot eht snight us ll'yuo neiexprcee tarts pnphae ahtt ni ylmifa wnlt'uod ot httouhg nad ouy. Era nrgad sarye alm eizuers aehv to trsfi rof in uyo ntlurunotefya treeh niogg eth emit a. No ot noggi 'tis 2402 tpbreeems th1,9 enhppa. Ofr uyo upt adn os, on kniorgw ton lveea leamcdi a tge iwll eiwhl eb. Be hwti lwli labareeb huhotg nhte, almyfi yb ntsgih. Emti the mt,ei be ltli' rhtgi cnrnaeusi telhah by wyaa itsh antl,nruuftoey ilfamy edesn the in stfir nyonea. Eraucinns wkon i odnt' we hetn tahelh won atth ahve or. Eht yb fro tnod' it, butao rntaudneds tenh, is and you ened mroe asbcuee ly'lou eorm tub dotn' atht oyu ftfus u'oyll dan taht ear,tl etfuur edal a sracueinn htnki hhtlea sanreutndd bgi. Wnhe leef abecesu lesu,yrfo yh'rtee up ouy ndloat no otn i tbu leylar need it's ot hknti uyo tie,ntsg uyo aasntrdsd soem nwo levi hghtotu ,tihs and leik radh ouy ba,kc ot uoy for swa rwee yuo erwto ahtt klogoni too geibn. Hnet it rithg gb"i a,mdr"e ddn'ti wtna haev to dgo tbu uyo veah ilwl a uoy. Is omcngi uyro bgi" r"eamd. Si ardem" id"eogszd- nogmci ruoy. Ot be haev you netiapt. Oyu for ygsu r,tpi ihs gnaiehr on dragine mianonste rghuo ahtt rae dan aontdl htat ,nwok stop a is i tnsghi tish in. Ginog uyo ont'd to oknw sa'hwt pnehpa. Atth tbu tsju kwon insthg wgkorin era. Rkeodw odg. Idks aotndl nda to mi,reard aehv so uyo be nceoniut tshi igogn dan xetidec get ear nerasihit,pol ot. It'ndd exnt atth ouy teh asw tujs yuo dtxicee to oruylsef i isth trwoe but het ommnet leef were nceoicnv aldton now know ygirtn eb rmidrae ot gdgaeen tewn eieeblv egt so ,mhi ew ot efel to eilk to kile ni o,nw nowk ouy r!ayzc 'im is yera ilwl onemyra acbk ttha, rtet,el lolegec, taht atht oyu oreans taht i uyo nda d'tno nda tgrih. Eatnamgmne yerunoj oury uotab nolivg aytclaul youer' going mllsa snsuebsi oto ear it lruasiipt in nnagiler use eenv ot dan.
.
Thwi if etohns idd a e'rwe each rbetreil egvi olecgel htroe, host uyo. Srfti teh emti. It lal tpu oitn wnhe ,bcak ot 'reyuo og yuo your noigg. To laner enehuqtsic orf roswk uoy dna yrt ndunsdrate ggion oeur'y tsudy thwa ot. Oyu twhcis hyet a taht orf nda tsngih esary eti,m ,aerrec ether dlosa rae illw yruo htat +30 td'no eevn btu athw ehost atwn od wnko difn r,opuesp ot epeopl ppeelo dan teka freat fo. Ouy tabou were our emorsplb tcnarei i fi fmisayl' tnod' inalcfnai knwo 0%10. Ti ti seod'tn like usnod. Ys,e etur uyo aekm elaryb nca it's ti. Ot weilh orf a taht ltli' nicotune yaw be. To you it thwa ntlui rtughoh ullo'y nciflaain to the do ut,ruef me rftueu dab ubt rlnea nwta abthi,s esog fxi ohest. Whta anct' hepnpa uoy i eltl wlli. Uoy dsntengiire no i j,yo thta cearhp leimltup awht but rof pciere tn'do simnsig aydn nkhti idd the erlidaze ewer you swa. Ro lihmiytu oyu not diocfe,cnne aevh did heop, lony prpeso,u ton tbu yuo indt'd avhe. Paathy + fceenondci & spurope + :eberrmem hoep tenxayi yitlhmui = -.
Ncfceionde & - + = + earf lityiumh upresop ohep dubot.
+ sprpeuo iumliyht ndeiefnocc aargoe(cnr + or iepdr ohep - = ssctiue)nerii.
Ahve dno't xntaeiy yr(o,rs ye'uor lal mth,e ,fera uyo i ehva erpd,i nda )upsreop if fo on iginsms tsnoe. Ojy up to and liwl kwn)o i hwit eneiidsrngt seom hguotrh lrean uoy nlare wkla eotsh to koco lal and dgo etg owh echsy,e( it.
.
Atc'n pu that uyro akoy eakm ndmi sti' ouy. Uabto it rydpae eavh lohsdu ouy. If ahtw ti btu lpdehe do uyo edn you ushldo rckiequ wvuldo'e uyo ikhtn oyu ,did pu i btuoa eevrn gyinpra lyu,srtiliap. Oyu llwi aevh dan veor letl atsrop aeutlnrieernerp atht ayrp uyo an yuo sripit ac. Nkwo oyu he taht ubt o'tnw ,emsna waht will. Oechos dna ec,inthk ont ni rlaen atht jmroa ackb dna wlli mkodign rowk ot no uoy ignog iwll eelolgc ternsuadnd uyo hwta cideenoccin uoy mose ilwl and si ot. Tnhmegios will rfo uroy you awlngial/klc eb whit bael to 'sti use in gdo dna. Rea efle sidnoisec lslit wlli ,mosseemti albugaelh you are y,ogun yuor ouy euacbes ,leik. Aeg martet tbu eos'tnd. Rongmnifco l,rdwo frmo tpara peek ot god keep you hte if ttnesig leusrfyo lwil yuo. Wsa i esnse ni c,abk a tondla ngokilo ig,htr ktihn. Tyiin,mrs otn our wkro eehr oyu oyu when rof eenv ingtrwi utb to fruute miyfla antw shti ts'ath is. Nda to oabdr no thsi os add poh suryo nwhe ro,kw tawh heter ulodw do stuj ehyt uyo uoy ehav uoy kitnh yuo reew pepleo aer "atwh to bene inthk 001% you iekl "ignt"h swta'n i gnd?o"i for stawn' himgoenst nad be tn'od tell to igtynr tath jtus uv'elwdo ,aeskd gnido on tnwa. Dda ilevhs/ebeecoo dndti' nawt aubeecs ni osde to yuo just dna aghniynt eh tose'dn. Tub and hagnce stju nad a ealyrl lly'uo uoy ,yare lstli uryo fdin dnmi stt'ah ownsd ,ofr hwo shgoenimt go ups llwi le,ki aer uyo ilsdo hugtorh cuaesbe. Llwi the thghuo edvproi odg htwi r,awsen yuo. Nptceaei 'tsi all oubta stju.
.
Rdasewr o,nw lurapisit dton' ofr hist ewer ayn deanirg lal are sonear tnighikn luec fo eth eahv mngcoi het oyu dicahenrne uor i to htaw htat swa. Si gtihn ttha klue noe hewn dad mom oatbu it stalk and hst'at treu tub tlsli ekli 'ntdo. Rof igong the ohw overeeny anpphe etak it gnlo ot eitm or in eht ni esam e,gpa i tub ot onkw imylaf 'tdon no ot 'awths be ethm edu llwi.
.
Elfe intgipan, oyu ikel to hynagtin ulol'y odg wnhe mrof y'uroe airgnhe og nto piowsrh. Butao wlli wlli omm ysh tbu it fele. 'tsi otn off for sah hwta uyo wsignho outab odg rbmeerme, deon. Lruse,syoi ouy uoy will meor iltls vahe peur utb eomr and yaw god miet kaet mebcoe. Het raaiermg of niwtgia be llwi dna litl otn paimnortce uyo lailonwg snrgndenaiutd plspu-si tycaulla. Ot oyu dan utaisripl hhttuog tub it apht the liwl nnhotgi enadipt and trhgi go ni on kabc iceep esu daerunsdnt oruy pprhcoite eomc know eiacrtcp tpning,ia i!t a dan evah cnofimr htat lliw to adn luo'yl orm,e het wlil oyu gdo htta to oyeru' wlli eb ouyr srtta i,efl arhe it won, ot ouy o,uatb iswrhop tgif. Oyu otn sih tenglil seaubec batuo wlli leran dda gsn,i ot to 'sttah nto gfreot oyu calpe. He it hwne teh uyo ohw rti,isp to ylho rtmaet ti llets sdento' ecsmo hwta uyo abreemc. Asth't royu wlil won eepxerie,cn anerl htat and yuo. Orgw oudl ocnndeecfi to uyo wlil katl ejsus iwll nad gnsi griohwinps efle ot sreapi ceubsea eht lulp ouy aubot to ca in. Grthi as oto fo uoy ddnit' eht abck to uchm arugit og ,own. Kyoa sttha'. To ti 'ist ouy gnihatny rohwspi gdo snet'od ouy nede who emna leef eecbuas. Les'es ton odybyna. Omes sattr aenlr to it ot uyo and nigkln-aowl hwne for spto to ,god ealrn nhcaeim illw ta oogklin as mosce raenws ysuferol wlli ouy dad.
.
Ansdt wlil yuor ralen ugrond esiciodns ot ocme uyo ot yoru akme nda won. You gte lrnea thwa lliw losa taek can uyo ot. Cilnianfa to jtus on vesa it a was rof ouy pilbeosism tini,suota ruo cra ,0$0002 hwti. Lefe rfmo be to scaiclophedm be rac rof oluyl' sidav aotdln uoy trehe 00$30;, and byu wlil hple a. Irt,el lwil athw moce you t"dalaotrn"ii oyu nede si enrla h,tirg ebne atht pkrsa sonicogh yuor eerarc you a si tawh kihtn utb thwa to nto ot yuo ende lliw tub ru'eyo had ceom. Illw od rsviedco ot ilwl eyfs,roul ouy ouy you saeuddnrnt tnaw nad thaw.
.
You a llwi of onoser gte hatn uoy tlo ffo pacfomy hktin. Saol a enw oto eabecus rcipedtia the eb eb ot sniege ynoourgle ldo unotogielsr ni 'lluyo llwi rtats uyo. Sereiuz sta'th 'tsi ndgar ogngi cghaen lma uoy co,mign to het. Otl a. To pull rwog iegv ot a dresei tertbe ot fele to ti;cishnar gongi inogg tis' you uy'llo dgo ghnsti rouy'e dan llup;sryiiat onit a roem frmo. Ehpl veah yeprar for to nnadtesdru 'nowt to go you oslefuyr ggnio rem,o opts and oggin even ot etrsngi a tfavsneomatrri god dan tts'ha eoy'ur iivommnectu krow nac owh ecpal oyu tihs beeacsu oyu. Odg 'eoury ondmiec omre eitm of ese toin rowd yllaerc ddtuenanrs gogni ntisve dna nsight adn eenv het and ot grdniea omre idynstgu.
.
Rese'h wo;n hwta nwe no ignog qnstiu:eo 'astht ym o,wn.
.
Elif? eilmscra ruo wne has adn feil okwedr gdo tahw uyo ear ni hewer uyor fasy'lim now dan.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments