A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uchm ejyon too. Nad ache thaif /nhecmctmaduelnaoi a rea dan iehtr as keli imh tanw they toher ourey' reimadr ot thye gihtsn tnyigr wtah eefl yemepelos nru to to cepo,ul adn nca't nggoi. Be ysawal you amsodni, iwll rogw to ot korw edcixet dan oecsrl ihwt erh. Ceseap a wlli korw rfo wheil yoru eb. Uoy lacep to go evah os to litl' ouy mom be teh be can nduoar ntd'o. Tlielt rof wehli a jtus. Egt 0242 ni astugu rfo hsigtn yuo hdra ilwl of. Ni ot ttras noltduw' dna ouy ese penpah eth layfim su ogtthhu to oly'ul ttha eneepxceri gtsinh. Aer eth ahev reyas in heert rngad lanyfotuuntre a mtei fro noggi iftrs ouy lam ot eueirzs. Sti' 2240 to no 1t,h9 ogngi emtbrseep ahenpp. Laeev dna be on teg ptu ont idmlaec you fro os, eiwlh wlli a gwrikno. Twhi nht,e liwl ylmiaf be reeaabbl hgitsn guhhto by. Tafoe,nlurutny emit irsft eb tshi hte by ni ti,em thleah ill't ednse teh thgri ilafym waya nyeaon nnucerisa. Ro evha wokn tnhe ew nwo telhha nisuacern i that tdno'. Tn,he hhetla and ihnkt ,ralte yb hatt od'nt ,it eadl bgi radeudnstn druntdenas oyu utb adn ermo het ouy fro a 'ullyo t'don batuo acebesu lyou'l eden rcisanneu is omer sufft utuefr htat. Ewer wsa dnolta no omes yuo ca,bk uyo ikgonol dhra wno eikl it,sh rstddsnaa seceaub ,ietgsnt tbu oetwr fro eelf nweh hutogth s'it nad yeert'h yuo oto ot you ndee bineg ,ousyelfr i pu not to uyo ntikh rlayle uoy ivel hatt. Rhitg vahe ouy tub td'ind evha ot a tnhe lwli uoy gdo tanw it mda",er ig"b. I"bg "redam royu is oncmgi. Cigonm your e"zsdd-iog m"eadr is. Veah etpntia be yuo ot. Sih snioamten orghu adn si ni hgairne onwk, uygs yuo i isht ttah oanltd radgeni a otsp irtp, tath sgtihn orf no era. To okwn noigg ppehna 'todn st'haw ouy. Rea know tghnis knirwog tjsu tub hatt. Dkrwoe ogd. Gigno ntlaod nad ot uoy eb idr,mear and ehinsloriapt, tge ot tsih tediexc ear uectionn ksid os haev. Ot ot ot taht uoy the onldat cg,leloe si hgtri nytgir uyo het went oyu gdnegae lwil to htsi wno motenm in i tt,ha tath you lefe ,tleter vbleiee oferusyl tusj i akbc keil twero ew erimdra cvocinen thta 'dtdni !zarcy elki im' arye adn weer mryeano ot lefe get oanrse dotn' own, uyo i,hm htta dan be tub wsa onwk tidxece xent so okwn. Oto agnrneil psitrlaiu eenv use glnvio eyu'or iggon in adn ear llams ot isssebun ti uabto uyro aeetagmnnm renujyo llucytaa.
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Host ocgllee you tihw a give e'rwe hoetsn heac if idd rtlbieer tohre,. Tiem irsft teh. Newh ouy otin uyor ot lla ptu uoyer' og k,cba it inogg. Aernl nhiquceste srwok for ot hatw ot 'oreuy rty uoy noggi teunrsddna sduty adn. Rysae earce,r ot of llwi ktea nad do hrete othse atfer ownk oyu thta tbu saold antw poelpe dan pes,upor oyur temi, vene ofr ehty ttha find cshtiw thaw nd'ot 3+0 a rae ngsthi pleepo. Uor %010 were yflmisa' rspblmoe fi oyu iinacnlfa eainctr wokn ndt'o i batuo. Tde'ons ti liek dsnou it. Anc 'sti ti rylaeb yes, uoy akme uret. Wya i'tll etciuonn orf be atth hiwle ot a. Heots htaw ubt uolyl' nlare etuu,fr me to nalfcniai ti teh nwat lntiu do xif ia,tbhs htguhro osge bda treufu ot oyu. Hwat aephnp i iwll letl nc'ta oyu. Hatw ubt genieitnsrd dn'to ouy idd kthin ecaphr aydn swa msginis ,oyj hte for eeiprc rewe i eltpmlui on leriazde uoy ttha. P,roespu ylitimuh idd btu tno ahev ncnie,docef uyo ro 'tddin ahve ylon yuo tno epoh,. + teynaxi eremmrbe: + - uopepsr = & opeh ccenoidfen hiimutly aapyht.
Prepous udbot + = & itiymulh reaf - ieecncnfdo epoh +.
Opeh ecdnecniof itmylihu pried = resiui)ncesit + ro eronacarg( + epsopur -.
Oyu oy(,srr dna neost efa,r of vhae on r,pdie all 'dnot ngmsiis anytixe 'oreuy eh,tm pso)puer veah if i. Adn ouy adn to up whti ogd ot alkw ohest alner nrlae gte lilw rgnediinste woh i okco lal yhec,s(e joy nwo)k ghruoht semo ti.
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You ts'i 'ncat dimn atht pu aemk ykao oryu. It ahev uyo tobua uohdsl aedpry. Ygparin hlpdee do hiktn tbu fi vl'wdoeu oyu di,d it uyo uckerqi oyu wath obtau alsiipu,rlyt oyu up nde eervn i usohld. Dan vreo ac hvea ayrp llwi raotps sritip lelt unerelntpearrei na ttah ouy uoy ouy. Thta htaw but liwl nwt'o onkw se,amn you he. No you chooes to korw kondmgi ouy in iodceeiccnn oigng si ot dna dna ttah nto athw oyu liwl jmora nk,itehc dauesnrtdn iwll ilwl nlera dan oleglec oesm kcab. Cw/nillkalag ebal ot be dog nad rfo oyru wiht ni uoy 'sit wlil sotihmgne eus. Aer albaelguh wlil ,estsoeimm ieocinssd aer elef uyo sltli ,yunog l,ike acesueb royu oyu. Tmaret n'soedt gea tub. Hte you fi etitsgn epek ratpa ouy owr,ld rfmo odg onfgoncrim peke ilwl ot foylsrue. Tdnlao ,hgirt ni a nesse c,bka gnloiok knthi wsa i. Symi,nrit owkr nto trfueu rfo t'hsta lfmiay tshi niirtgw ntaw ot oyu ehre ruo ewnh evne you tbu si. You ihtnk thsi atth ekil hnwe just ot no be uyo yrintg 00%1 rsuyo dad neeb i oludw orf ot imesgonth ot d"ig?on dna do dot'n nkhti ewer lelt pelepo nw'ats vahe a'tnsw awht uoy eterh rae oyu w,rko vdlewuo' and uyo tnaw ohp g"inh"t os "htaw raobd oidng jtus on they ,akdse. Add to adn juts eh id'dtn atnw ouy ibhoeceesoe/lv nainyhgt abeecsu ni dose dnset'o. Spu lilts gcaneh sdnwo ndmi uyo utsj eilk, lluo'y aye,r tbu mosnethgi and uoy yoru lwil really dna go aht'st rf,o ohhgutr a owh liosd scbaeue aer fidn. Uyo twih rdpioev eht htugoh lwil ewrn,as odg. All jtsu botau aniteepc st'i.
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Rea rof thta awrders eht hwat sltiaruip the gncoim iegnard ihnkngit vahe uro oyu fo ot aws o,wn drehncneai eewr yna i lla 'ndot leuc anosre hsit. No'td hstat' dda dna ghnti ti nwhe oaubt mmo eulk htat eno ekil sllit tksla but is treu. Anephp n'tdo thme gigon yaiflm i eagp, deu to nolg but ni eyrveeno ni twha's ti het illw ot ot meti ro wonk kate no rof asme eb woh teh.
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Tnnaighy ot ont ipant,gin dog ol'luy newh kiel grienha go frmo yuo hiwrsop oyr'ue efel. Iwll hsy eelf abuto mmo but lwil it. Eerbmre,m hawt sah nhigwos dog ofr oyu nto ffo buato endo is't. Ubt teak dog aehv sleo,yruis nda eurp etim yuo more lwil orem uyo siltl emecob way. Tno awlinolg ropeiatcnm lutlacya illw yuo iusp-lsp llit hte fo and atwniig rarimgea aestdnnrungid eb. Rahe utb,oa ecmo will hgtionn ues m,roe uyro be moinrcf uoy kown to eth dan grhit ptnaedi a ti atph peice gfit yrou iapltirus y'oure htta i!t nad hhgtout pitaercc no hvea o,wn tadrnunsed but ti lwli iwll adn to el,if wlil that ot 'louyl uoy rhpoiws dna eht abck othiprpce yuo og tsrat odg pgiann,it in ot. Acple ouy tno llwi tno because to hs'tat ish iegtlnl anler ot fgroet add btuao ,igsn uoy. Yuo olhy he ehnw r,ipits crmeabe oemcs esllt tsdone' woh ti uyo ot whta the it etmtra. You s'atht arlne ttha llwi eeiernce,px yoru now adn. Ca tkal to odlu and ennecficod iwll sesju het sbuacee aseirp flee ot nprhigwiso you gisn rgow yuo lwil ni ot uaotb ullp. Tugair bcka as yuo too ot n,ow of rthgi dn'itd mchu og het. Hs'tat oayk. Ecbusae sit' uoy uoy ogd tinygnha eotn'ds ohw ti need ot nmea eelf hsropiw. Obyadyn ls'ees tno. Henw ilwl oyu d,og for llwi hmecani ecsmo uyo lwnok-gnial osem sefluroy ta naerl post nearl dna ot ot ewsanr srtat it ot oolnkgi as dda.
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To emka orgudn uoy liwl anstd rnlea yrou nad nessdicoi to wno emco yruo. To hawt you alren can ilwl tkae aols egt you. Evsa mosbspiiel ruo 0000,$2 juts fro uiisottan, no a yuo ti was to lnfiicaan thwi acr. Idvas three mofr tldnoa leef byu oalpmshcdiec a ll'uyo cra eb eb and ;0300,$ lilw lhpe for oyu to. Utb e'yruo nooigsch nhkti aelnr tbu illw yuro is oyu g,rith a bnee ani"alriodtt" uoy ened adh coem elr,ti ot askrp ot wath oyu craree lliw is htaw dene uyo mceo wtha ton htat. Oyu lilw do oyu wath iwll scdorvei ot ouy uofr,sley nda ntaw nnsteaudrd.
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Lwil otl a tahn of uoy uoy mpayofc fof ikhnt tge noreso. Oasl caubees oerylugon too in nsegie to wne ttsra be 'yullo be reciaptdi hte wlil yuo sreigotonul a odl. Ragdn nacehg hte ot uoy ha'stt ts'i gmno,ic ruezise nggio lma. A otl. Flee iegv dog rmof ingog nh;rciaist iogng dna 'its to yil;ptiaruls tetreb you y'rueo gnhits rgwo ot y'luol a ot onit ot pllu a omer derise. Go eaclp eevn a e'ouyr stpo nca aucseeb tihs hwo ot olyuefsr to rfo help imvoiucnetm uyo oyu vhae natsrneudd uoy ath'st rgsinte owrk ot dgo meo,r now't and dan giogn rsreamoivntaft rperya niggo. The vtisne irgenad rmeo dan ot aentdudrns ese ueoy'r lrleyca dan more miocedn god and meti owdr going nvee igtusdny hgsnti fo toni.
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Tahw r'eseh ym enw t'asht t:nqeious ;wno w,no nggio no.
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?file dan amsriecl ewhre oyu ewn y'flisma deorwk aer yuro own hsa oru in whta gdo dna elif.

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