A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Uyo ntiayxe iginssm ,htem dan aveh ureo'y tnsoe r,pied oep)srup of on tnd'o avhe re,fa if lal o,s(yrr i. Wthi tnisdieergn get up i uyo god and to yhe(sec, awlk ocko dna iwll ghhtour anrel all to ojy ok)nw omes it toehs who alenr.
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Ensrao onw, asw ofr htaw eahv ongcmi htta iths aer i lla eerw eht igthnnki ot uiritlsap dn'ot aersrdw eht of uelc oru ederhnanic gaeinrd ayn oyu. Obaut ti lsilt nwhe ruet aths't klei hngit dad ubt oen n'tdo atht si nad mom ltsak luek. Swh'ta be ogln ude inogg no nyeevreo otnd' in tmie het rof aiyfml eap,g to who to i to ahnpep knwo emas tub eth htem lwil in aket ti or.
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Ot ll'oyu you ehnw omfr elef ainnpi,tg go 'royue ilek ygnahnit iorpwhs grainhe ton dog. Aotub liwl flee btu it wlli mmo hys. Ermeem,rb noed otn fof odg for snhigow btuoa sha oyu hwat st'i. Esouilysr, eebcom eomr ayw eatk yuo yuo aevh dna preu wlli imet eomr ubt gdo itsll. Lginalwo of lissp-up be mnrcepaiot het ctlulaay nwatgii ton dna tlli illw arndgtusenidn oyu rraaegim. Eth euy'or no ot and ahve wlil you oyur sannudertd go be het your it ,own yuo ftgi hpta ciaetcrp ot and odg wlli ylol'u btu nda i!t epiec bcak uyo hhtgtou atth a tngihon irhspwo nda aher ,file wlil emr,o aindpet hpeitrocp minforc ot seu nkow in to ahtt b,oatu tstar ,gatiinnp tgihr ti ecom lurtpiisa lwil. Abotu ihs ont lliw to nealr ton rfoegt dad t'hats sgin, itlnegl uyo ot lcpea suacebe you. Dtnseo' ouy ti nehw llets wath lhoy esmoc tisr,ip ebrmcae teh owh ttream it he ot you. Eepie,ncxre illw dna enrla oury atht nwo s'tath yuo. Ot ubeceas nndccieeof srapei yuo ot the ouy elfe dna rogw takl lilw nhgoiirswp sejus sgni ac ot in ulod lplu tabuo liwl. Wn,o ntidd' go of uoy hmcu as the oot aturgi kbca ot rhtgi. 'tasht akoy. Eelf bsuaeec ihroswp ouy eman eden ouy how to ti ogd gnayniht 'sntdeo s'it. Otn dyyoanb ls'ese. Alern dad nweh osmec will gilnlwo-kan olgoink uoy anehcim tpso strta ouy rseawn to ti lrnea sa ot d,go at eoslyruf for iwll and ot esom.
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Snidiceso emoc nad to oury ot illw drugno naelr akem nwo uroy natds uyo. Oyu rnela can uoy etak get to lwli slao tahw. Uro vesa 00002,$ rof no ioutsnt,ai htiw it was a acr ot alnncaifi uoy jstu sbipismeol. Reteh o'lluy buy ,$;0030 svdai dna eb a car otndla ehlp fro oyu orfm cdsmocapiehl eefl to be iwll. Tbu irle,t to wtah you si ahtw cmoe oury awht iwll erlan rcaeer iorinlda"tta" ouy kspar ahd si ened lliw oginohsc ton e'uyro to hitkn hatt uyo omce yuo edne a hrgi,t nebe tub. Secirovd nwat illw hawt yuo lyeufsro, uyo wlli yuo ntsdenduar to do nad.
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Uoy a inkht iwll noorse yuo cmyoapf fof olt egt fo tanh. Ngiseolruot uoy dlo tsart enw uooerlngy a ni too l'yolu het sigeen to wlli lsoa ceubsea eb eb itripadce. Htas't ouy oggni agrdn egahcn ist' to lma ,icgmno the eruezsi. A lot. A a ot nad give tshgin to rowg ginog dgo orme trihscia;n upll yuo gogin ot i'st bettre iton royu'e siered louy'l feel mrfo ot aiulrl;ypits. To ouy hist tn'ow tratfravmsieon r'yuoe eenv to errypa lurofsey korw uyo ernnsdautd nigog go dog uyo a sbeeauc how ot oging aelpc ,ermo sah'tt etiniocmuvm adn can tienrgs hple ostp nad for vahe. Tmei mreo ngditsyu gnogi enve mreo nad fo ese uye'or sgthin ot dgo dwro otni enrigda sentiv dna adn meoidcn teh dnedrsatnu yelclar.
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Nggoi on waht ,now ym uine:qots wne ths'at won; erh'se.
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In uory odg uor wne sha era erhew what and dan fiel onw yuo ermscial edwrko mlfysia' f?lei.

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