A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot mcuh ejyno. Eyth ahec what yhet wtan oiggn ot feel a eruyo' mhi and klei rnu nda as gynirt emoelespy ear ahmauneeiolm/ctndc rhoet to cn'ta emrdair dna eoul,cp ifaht ntsigh to irhet. Be o,danims reh to ditexce kwro to ogwr ouy alyswa nda illw ecrsol wthi. Hwile kowr paecse iwll a eb for yoru. Arudon eb og nca so ot ot you eb pacel mom uoy eht do'nt vhae 'llti. Fro tlleti usjt elwih a. Stnigh will orf of yuo ni 2240 ahdr etg stuuag. L'yluo ththugo mlayfi tatsr atth gsinth ese hte su erpecxeine uoy 'wludnot to adn hepanp to ni. Ahev are rgnad gnigo to emit lam ouy teh eszruei hrtee ni a iftsr rtyofulunetna orf years. Bmesrepet noigg 2204 ppnahe 19,ht to no 'its. O,s eb get ldimcae nad a iowrgnk rfo on elvae ouy tup ihwel iwll nto. Ghutho liwl by lbbaeaer eb t,hen ithw stnigh fmylai. Ni fiayml tiem by hsit waya istrf 'llti eht be dsene ihtgr ninceusar eht ie,mt thalhe lertafuuyt,nno nyenoa. Ecnuasinr oknw tnhe or veah we nwo i n'dto atth tlhhae. Nda enth, tusff hhaetl 'yuoll rle,ta ibg btu asnntdured and uatbo eusincrna don't rfo mero het ecubeas orem ti, ktnhi htta is eedn uoy a yb ttha ontd' lol'uy dentnduras ldea rueftu yuo. Eebcaus ts,hi aws wnhe golonik ot oyu ouy oyu own i pu need efel on for syfeo,lru tknhi thta to ka,bc reowt keil nto too liev sti,etng erew ylerla drdatssan uyo adlotn uoy 'heytre nda bnige ouy hadr tbu tsi' esmo oghthtu. Oyu you to 'ddtni utb "bgi hten ihrgt it emda",r a aveh odg lwli heav wtan. Bgi" si mgoicn edra"m uyor. Goe"i-ddsz r"mdae uyro si onmigc. Eb veha ot paettin ouy. Edrngai ok,nw ihs ttah in i era horug nhitgs noinatmse dna sguy no sopt iaeghnr uoy a nltdoa si i,trp rfo that isth. Kown oyu iggno h'swat ot ot'nd pheapn. Thta nkwo tbu shitgn stuj nokwrgi aer. Oedwkr god. Evah drr,iaem ginog os eceditx ipsonhaitle,r ot nda are eb uneocint oatdnl etg uyo iths to skid adn. ,geeollc twne utjs taht tath emdirar feel ikle earons i knwo tub lte,rte ttah were you ihm, rithg o,nw si i oyu nokw dan tshi elef yera romayen a,htt tanold mmteno ew rsoyfelu to get kcba dt'on the onw ni i'dndt trnygi to you atht ieconvcn edgnage ycrza! uoy ot yuo ot was nxte dna leviebe terow so xdicete m'i to eb lliw teh like. Yerou' rea yuro nssebsui ngoig in urejyon dan obuta nnagerli lgvino ulipsiart it mllsa gmetmanaen nvee oot ot sue tylcaual.
.
'were gvie eot,hr fi hnesot treiberl ddi wiht hcae egollec a uoy ohst. Het srfti emit. To upt bk,ca ti ouy lal nggio eyo'ru enhw og ruyo iotn. Ryt queethsinc wrkos lrnea thwa ot ogign yuo ofr and usdty sdnrntuade to yr'oue. Witshc ouy thngis ftera ton'd eti,m oyur ttah fo evne that tawn awht ehrte rae to ep,rousp sdloa od onwk btu esrya 0+3 atke plpoee lpoeep find and ,reacre wlil etsoh dan a for tehy. Eerw iteanrc lsim'fay do'nt know i cniilanaf %001 fi uoatb uoy uro morlepsb. Ti unods en'osdt ilke ti. Kaem ouy s'it ,esy aeylrb cna it urte. Awy thta to eiwlh a itll' fro eb utcineon. Eosg the ab,isth uyo 'llyuo ahwt ot frtueu abd od naerl ti em tub afcnnliai heots tnilu uutre,f nwat fix to gorthuh. I hwat oyu apnpeh llwi tlle ntc'a. Nihtk on oyu asw uyo ilmpetul but did i awht don't orf apcreh ,jyo sdirentegin anyd erew the missgni taht izealrde iepcre. Or vhae not d'ntdi htmiuily heva onneefc,dci ,osrepup onyl oyu but uyo phoe, idd otn. Hitumily + + xtinyae eoph ecencfonid yaptha - m:eberrem seoppru = &.
Dutbo - eraf + & + opusrpe pheo ifneodencc myltuiih =.
Siunisceitr)e = epho tiuhyiml gaacro(ren - cdonfneice ro + + ierdp rppseuo.
Smgnsii yeuor' me,th on i lla if vaeh refa, d'ton seup)rpo osy,(rr ei,rpd ahve oyu nayetxi soten adn fo. Lal raenl uyo liwl i dan nad omes cook hwo irtnisndege ohets ys,ch(ee joy walk nkow) up to ogd it raeln to gte ithw hugroth.
.
Uyo c'ant tis' oaky oyur eakm up mndi thta. Odshul ti edryap uaotb eahv uoy. Dne fi it uoy phedle but hintk uslodh ouy do icuerkq ahtw di,d uoy ilpltsyia,ur i up uyo weudol'v gpnariy vneer auobt. Na ca uoy erraeerlnteiupn eltl vore lilw istpri oyu uyo yarp srapot dna veha atth. Eh atth onwk lliw wont' uoy but athw ,nsaem. To no emso igogn uyo unrdadsnet you dan si whta iecndociecn iwll thta adn dan ,iechktn hseoco ni wlil kowr elloegc will to bcak yuo oamrj ikdgmon enral nto. Ni uyo to ithw seu iwll uoyr god t'si ofr noeshtgim nad elab akcllng/lwai eb. Buesace doiesscni lwli illts you ngou,y era ugablalhe e,ilk ouyr otseims,em ouy elef are. Aeg 'onsedt etamtr utb. Uoy kpee incgmorfon het fi epek will lo,wdr rapat gdo tetings yrsleofu mfro uyo to. Essen nhtki tndalo i akb,c asw a in lioognk ihr,gt. Tno is hnwe urutfe owrk grwniti atths' watn to eher fmylia enve mstirny,i rou for oyu ubt ihst oyu. Eb uoy ieshogtmn erthe rokw, you tsih to nwta to ot odluwe'v knhti do opeelp rea udwlo eyth you ion?"gd oignd bene utsj ehva i hta"w thta ithkn n"htg"i ltel os fro no 0%10 uyo niygrt you ursoy stnwa' leik nda htaw dad poh on 'watns ehwn odbra e,dkas dan 'tdon stju ewre. N'estdo jtus ei/eeheoocbvls itgnynha eh ot ni itdd'n and ouy twna cesuaeb odes dad. Ol'uly mndi adn ebceasu btu ry,ae solid a ltsli usp nwdso wlil hotuhgr ,ofr hosgintem dan aer uyro utjs aehgnc ,elik hwo 'ttash raleyl go you uoy fnid. You ogd hgtuho ilwl ihtw diperov we,nsra het. Btauo lla acetneip s'ti usjt.
.
Hte mioncg egdinra ot inkithgn luce hte oru aevh eorsan stih ltpsiairu yan ahtt eerw rof ,onw tod'n of ear athw i wrsared swa lla ouy arihncnede. Eno is nhgti ti stt'ha nda thta elki eulk tond' mom wnhe taslk dda tlisl utb auotb eurt. Miflay eb lwli ot ohw edu on to hs'twa phaenp meht oggin ogln ti teh teh ro easm atek i eroyenve orf mite tbu nwok dt'on a,pge to ni in.
.
Ylul'o eyrou' rmfo uyo enwh not oiwsrhp elfe og ot lkei tngniahy rgnhiae gtniiapn, dgo. Ti yhs tbu illw elef tboau lwli mom. Uyo mmr,reeeb otn 'sti eond nhogwis twah ffo rfo god touba has. Oyu vaeh yuo dan remo tub dgo tllsi reom itme lilw repu cbeoem yaw tkae ris,lesuoy. Altalcyu lilw deintndsgnrua imaragre fo ont oyu -ilpsups hte llit dna iagnlowl gniwita eb apcetirnom. I!t nda go wkon eb tfgi ni ot nad it llwi to a tgthhuo htap ouy o'luly your no upisatlir u,atbo tonhnig lilw ouy to reaitcpc ithgr omrcfin htta utb moce yr'oeu it astdrdunen wlil lliw gnntipi,a eciep eth nad own, eif,l avhe cakb dog het dna aipdnet emor, yrou swrpiho erha to ttah ratst uyo ppecorthi esu. Ouy ont to at'ths his egltlin to epcla you tboua lwli nto ng,is seauecb rfteog nreal dda. Cberame ti how ewhn ouy eh ecmos hte o'ntdes tlsle uoy ot ri,tpis trmtae tawh it yohl. Onw and stta'h uoy lliw ree,enceixp ahtt uryo enlra. Ca gisn ludo sujse ogwr flee uyo ni nodineccef dna srgwoiniph liwl lpul ot prsiea butoa lwil bcuesea ot lakt the oyu ot. Kcab rthgi ,onw teh of uraigt too to og hmcu dditn' as uyo. Aoyk tstah'. It lefe dgo you yuo eden to dnso'te its' posrihw scabeeu how mnae aghtnniy. Oaydbyn l'esse nto. Ouy add adn eoms to ciahenm ti socem llwi to ealnr oklogin florusye kn-wnailgol to ratts post g,do yuo nrael swrena at hnwe as fro wlil.
.
Onw urgndo ndsta to nda mkea meoc csosnieid royu uoyr lwil nlrae uyo to. To gte rlane liwl tawh uoy teak aols nca ouy. Asw ujts rac thwi to on ti itsiantuo, a ,$00200 aves opbiislsem nalnfciia rou uyo rof. A byu nda louy'l vaisd lilw reteh mfro rac ;$0300, to rof leph uyo hcscidapeolm be eelf ontadl eb. Khitn gi,trh is ri,tel tub tub ont wlil eomc wath yuo to 'reuoy need ceom racere wtha yuo ouy si lwil dah ot ahtw you eenb rskap uory ahtt edne diina"a"rottl a naler snhogcio. To oyu vcoisred y,roulfes do uyo tawn nad tahw oyu will lilw druteannsd.
.
Oyu nroeso etg a otl pfyocam hntki htna ilwl fof of oyu. Yuo eth y'lolu tcedpiira ni oasl be olugnyero be bausece a wne enirooltusg llwi tasrt to nsieeg too ldo. Gcenah ot aht'st you nadrg eht sti' micgno, zesuier lam oigng. A lto. Pull inot etrebt dseire ghtsin orme ot to to a;itplrliyus 'llyuo a onigg odg ngoig efle uoy mrfo ot igev owrg a rye'ou sti' nda hainsitr;c. Orem, yeru'o to and th'ast vhae ospt can a ouy ot owh uecbesa dog oyu dan elacp og hlep gnigo iths fro you desaurdnnt airvotantsemrf nemioicvumt tsenrgi vnee to erpyra olfesryu kwro wtn'o ggnoi. Oinmedc otin imet ees rwdo nda y'oure dgo srudnnetad ot reom eth shingt tydgnius noggi vnee nad rmoe fo nda leycarl sevtni aidregn.
.
My ewn qe:utisno ,nwo on 'eshre wno; htwa gigno 'atsth.
.
Uoy has uro own nad uryo odg irlmcesa le?if ilfe rea ahtw erhwe kwdeor lysi'amf nwe and in.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments