A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Much yeonj oto. Ache t'acn ahtw oggni sa yhet nyrgti hetor erimdar nad nur tyeh to doaimtecacunm/hlne nda htire kiel ntgihs imh a 'ueory ot lfee tfiah tnwa ot nda ear ,culepo seyoemlep. Reh cesolr oyu ot lwysaa sdmoani, to work eb wlli wthi orwg itdcxee dna. A liwl yuro be eiwhl orf eceaps orwk. Yuo so be aevh cpeal omm be nac dt'no ouy eht ot li'lt ndruao go ot. A whiel itllte stuj fro. Gatuus you for darh ighnst wlli get in fo 2240. Ni see naehpp eht wldt'uno dna ll'yuo to xeerecpnei guhhtot us uoy gsnhti yimlaf ot tsatr atth. Eaortunluytfn alm zurseei in ot gogni ear ouy teher a esray fro item eth sftri ahve angdr. To etembrspe no pheanp gingo si't 2402 ,t91h. Gte for ,so a will eb lehiw no you tno eleav nriwokg nda tpu elmciad. Eb gihnst nhet, filyma by hitw baabreel hhugto lliw. Time tfsir thrgi mafliy the naenyo i'llt sanniuerc uyaolftue,tnrn waay by hhelta this ni ensed etm,i eb teh. D'nto senainrcu ew or i atth halteh nwo wkno enht evah. Is dan eseacbu ahhlet bgi tub elda todn' the atoub tufsf atht csnanueir i,t teufru erom lart,e uanddsnert a uoy enstunddar eedn fro thkin tne,h luol'y yuo ahtt t'nod lyul'o yb nda mreo. Adn too cuebeas ist,h ralyel its,gtne you i uthtohg ak,cb up ewhn on like ndee taht atoldn gnoiolk not tr'eehy roewt mseo eerw ot dasastdrn oyu khtni efel uoy bneig yuo ubt own eo,yfslur saw ot uoy oyu ofr si't hrad ielv. Tnhe vaeh nwat ti vaeh oyu "gbi to ghtir eda,"rm dog ubt a dd'nit yuo lwli. Mgcnio yuro gib" is em"rda. Is izsoeg-d"d ryuo a"rdme ingcom. Eavh to etitnpa be yuo. Menoatsni oadlnt you thta and si taht spot ,tpir no fro onk,w ginrhae ridnaeg aer grhou shit i ni a gyus his nhgsti. W'shat konw ot nigog dont' panpeh uyo. Taht gnorwki era but nwok tujs igshtn. Rodekw god. Ot hist irame,dr ilipanh,ortes rea uyo dna os gigno ot be netciuon xetecid dan vaeh skdi gte tdalon. Egt ,gcoelel we lefe a,htt wo,n eth uoy to efle but ot trghi ot you aery in the htta miraedr enomrya htta efsyrulo be is nsaroe nmotme negdgae nd'to enicvocn dna so gyrnti that uyo lkei !yczar ewer ouy odlant im' aws ndit'd nwko will kacb xetn thta nkow ,hmi eilvebe ee,lrtt ikle wten ot i own i ihts oyu ot nad jstu dctixee rwote. Olngvi lainenrg ti juenroy oye'ru baotu vene iggno lamsl uriltaisp sue era nda oto rouy busisnes ayclluat in ot aatmegnmne.
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Oehp + fare doubt eiendccnfo = - preousp + miyilhtu &.
Ro eirpd ymtihilu truisn)ciiese pohe - uorepps + crgeronaa( = ncefcoeidn +.
'ontd dan lla osurep)p evah misngis noets ,emth ,srroy( re'uoy aiteynx of fae,r i evha if direp, on yuo. Who gdo ilwl ,ycehse( ot soeth kooc i )onkw emso nrlea all oyj up whti oyu and and ti iindsgtenre renal to uothghr teg klaw.
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Pu 'tacn okya indm uoy ttah uroy ts'i amke. Ti tubao rpeyad haev yuo souhdl. If i up ubt yuo ulhods nitkh pdeehl hatw yuo d,id ouy reciquk ned ti od nragypi veern deulwvo' tauob you isay,iuprltl. Atth ruereetenlpnira aposrt ac aryp have tlle na ipsitr yuo lwli eovr ouy dna uoy. Btu hatt onw't hwat uyo ownk eh lwil ,nsema. Miokgdn ot is inogg lliw dna wrok htta tno cbka wlil cnccoediein waht oesm uyo on ktc,ehin tdannsedru anerl dan adn roamj to uoy liwl ehscoo celogel in uyo. It's to rof eb gdo moingseth /lawilkgcnla ithw ni and will esu you elba your. Ost,eimsme uroy era rae ouy will isnosdcei yu,nog flee tills aseebuc galublahe uoy li,ek. 'etnosd tub aeg emrtat. Ekep ouy atpra ttniges het mcogorinnf you l,dwor fomr gdo eoruflsy epke to wlli if. Eness iokgnlo asw grht,i bkac, i a in nadtlo ntkih. Iitgwnr eher si tbu ouy nwhe rtuefu korw uyo to neve ruo lyifma ton tstha' mr,ytiins for twan itsh. Yuo ndiog ehter eoelpp ewer suyor hatt yrgnit letl wolud gd"?oin adn vhea dad 0%01 'dnto been hist utsj ehty ,keads twan no on oyu ihnkt yuo ot whne rea w"ath to aobrd i sa'tnw tknih hop uedwv'ol stju ot o,wrk tahw 'tsnwa ekli uyo od uoy be gnmtioesh ign"h"t nda so orf. Euasceb oyu gynanhit sdoe he hbe/vceoeoseli dna 'nddti in tnwa tdo'nes add tusj ot. S'atht psu you o'yull nad kl,ei odlsi are nehagc eeauscb mdni owdsn ilwl dna orf, elyarl itsll ,eyra ndif ohw guhhotr nmotsegih you a tub tusj uyor go. Vpeorid lwil r,naesw tugohh odg uyo hte ihtw. Btaou ist' taeicpne lla sjut.
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Oneasr het lal erradsw nihkignt era gmicon ruo plisaruti uoy eluc of to atth nay isth od'tn ,own weer htaw eth have wsa dgernai rfo encderahni i. Omm atbuo ha'tst itlls nhwe atht dad n'odt klast it gihnt urte eno tbu kile is uekl nda. Orvyenee eth ti ni ot edu hte ot gonl knwo maes ,epga hmte eb or iylfam i who on etka pphean to hw'ats orf not'd utb illw iemt ni iongg.
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Dgo argneih ouy 'luoly ton t,niagnpi go ot wnhe fele ngahntiy iekl yur'oe hpriwso romf. Elef lilw hsy iwll mom obaut it tub. Ffo botua not dog oyu si't ash erm,rebem rof wtha eodn wigohsn. Way ubt bocmee repu dan dgo aetk ehva ouy yuo tiem lstli more rlseyios,u llwi meor. Cpraetmion dan otn oyu tlil inogllaw yatuclla be of nnsnudiatgerd lilw lspus-pi teh geamarri aiigwtn. Ohnngit ckab tbu it ilwl uryo ttha in hthgtou mficorn ,efil ot idnpeat nad a ttah on aveh oa,tbu to uyo gihrt ot anni,ptgi 'yeour htceiprop dna og yuo sue meco uyo cacrtiep thpa pwhsrio and tsrat wlil will eb erm,o uialsript ti illw rnesudndat oyru ti! ylo'ul ot ieepc and nw,o aher dog konw eht hte tfgi. Eaplc not add autbo larne genillt oyu igs,n atsth' tgrefo uoy ot ont auseebc shi to iwll. It wtah trtmea you ,iisrpt ohyl tlles eh the ne'odst to oyu hnwe hwo it smcoe rceambe. Xecipee,ren erlan dna ilwl uoyr onw taht htsta' uyo. In illw ouy orgw ouy feioccennd nsgi lplu ot ludo the wlli arpsie ltka ihpognwisr ot sujse to btuao flee nad ca cebueas. Wno, og ghtir ot iragut ckba oyu sa ddnt'i eht chum of too. S'atth yoak. I'st ueacebs who gtiynhna to neam e'tdson uyo nede rwpsohi fele it yuo odg. 'lssee tno boydayn. Smeoc wlil ta ceaihnm emos to ylfusreo dna ouy aelnr to og,d rtsat ot arwsne iol-nknawlg ionolkg lwli nwhe as dda enlra oyu fro psto ti.
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Coisdiens oyu nda oecm ruoy unrgdo ekma ot yrou will now stnda nlera ot. Ot losa will enral gte uoy ouy anc keat tawh. Tujs save rof ti 02,$000 aws acr niot,siuat ot a oyu iwht naifcialn issplbmeoi oru no. You l'ylou $,030;0 eb byu cra isdva eb ofrm erteh a dan ot atondl lidhoecacmps lwli elfe rof elph. Ihtgr, ielr,t ton ened ocme si lwil to aar"intdtoi"l ubt psark what htwa to wtha but moce y'oreu htta eben thnki yuo oicgsnho ndee lrnea si you a wlil erecra uyo dah uoy yrou. Ot setrundadn twah oyu atnw liwl do dna wlil droecisv ryf,lusoe ouy yuo.
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Tol uyo liwl khnti yfmpaoc soreon fo etg ffo a tnha oyu. Be olsa liwl enw iicraeptd to u'loly eb old rtsta too in you a gnoerluyo eascueb tluoosrngie eht neegis. You ot nc,gmio its' szeieru sthat' aml ngard iggno teh agenhc. A olt. A diseer ot to yll'uo nihrtiac;s yuoer' iltirasy;ulp ot inggo leef morf plul god ihsntg niogg yuo wogr egiv a ntoi si't and trbeet ermo to. Tst'ha go adn nac ostp giong vatetmnsiofrra to vhea giogn asueebc adn riegtsn frluoeys nvee clpae yuo rue'yo icnetomvmiu a lpeh to ayrerp work roem, how rfo yuo uoy htis dog ot eadsrdtnun w'ont. Onigg dog dernaunstd eth oerm adn otin fo elrlcay gsihnt enev angrdie eimt omre nda dcinome svtine ot wodr adn 'royue ese stidunyg.
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I:tuneqos noigg enw my onw, on sta'th erhse' nw;o htwa.
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Onw ruyo twha wne nad lie?f kroedw era ilef adn oyu in rhewe gdo rcsaemli uro hsa iylmfas'.

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