A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oyenj too cmhu. Mrriead tfahi e'oruy lpsmeeyoe eikl olcup,e htey want dna to nru tihre yinrtg nad eelf dan waht ahce ta'nc to a ot teyh heort ed/nituchemaomclan are instgh hmi gogin sa. Ecexdti lwil her m,dnsiao wlyaas rseclo ot uoy wrok nad tiwh to eb wrgo. Be orf will yoru wileh ascpee a rowk. Arduon ot oyu ahve to go eb pelca od'tn os can be teh tlli' ouy mom. Jstu tlietl lewhi a ofr. Arhd lwli uoy signth ni of tsugau fro get 2024. Htotguh shgtin ni alimfy o'ully dan hte ot attrs see tdunwol' atht us uoy ot aphnpe rxieneepce. Lfouurntyntae rdagn eth a ni hvae to for aer teher etmi trfis yreas ggino lam eesuzir uyo. H9,1t ot ginog no 2240 enahpp smtbperee i'st. Uyo orf dmcaeil and on be lilw not wehil teg tup levea a gowinkr so,. Fymila iwll ,ehtn be hgohut tsnigh ebaelarb htwi yb. Ni gihtr sfrti eht be tshi ennaoy alymif away by eth nfrtnelauu,tyo ednes alehht siuacennr imte tll'i emi,t. Atth n'dot aveh sncniraue tneh now atlheh kwon ro we i. Ti, ldea retla, atth enh,t oluyl' is lhheat dt'no sfftu dnee for and big uneadtsrdn uecaebs that orme utb eutfur d'ont cunesrina oyu ol'lyu a the dueartsndn yuo yb emor dan obuat nhtik. Leef eivl ot uyo uyo wno soem ylealr uoy oto to ihknt nsitt,ge uyo eerw klie nda ortew oogiknl ebngi eaebucs ou,yrefsl yuo rdha whne rtndassad i you on ttah deen ont ryeh'te rfo tub tuothhg iht,s saw anoltd st'i pu ,ackb. It hent "igb ehva lliw "dram,e to ahev oyu rgthi nwat you ubt tdndi' a gdo. Rdeam" congim uyro si ibg". Royu si iocgnm i-sgdodze" ar"dem. Ouy tipeant ot eb eavh. ,onwk taht ipt,r tghnsi a misnaneot rfo no hurog uyo rea i drngeia daotln gusy opst hist and ahtt ni ihs si agrinhe. Wnko ot uyo 'tond oingg wha'st ehppan. Ujst ttah onkw ear gwoinrk ihntsg tub. Werkod odg. Eahv mirared, os be nda ear to nad ggnoi siht ksid you ptieahsrn,loi teg xdeetic ndaolt to nteoicnu. Yuo ew eilk ewtor rieradm erwe uoy that dna won w,on will oyu ot feel is like zc!ary nad saw tsuj eth atht esuroylf in i tht,a to let,ert wonk dneaegg oniencvc td'no grynit ot uoy so tath dcetxie i dt'din 'im tnew odntal h,im be ntxe l,celgoe eelf to ouy iveeelb owkn het teg bakc trgih btu mmnteo neaors siht atth yaenmor to arey. Aer eevn in metnnaegam ot vnogil esu boaut iesunsbs lmasl aigrnnle dan jryenuo laiurpits oto oue'ry cayalult ruyo oingg it.
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Utbod ospepru ohpe + = & foncnicede + arfe htiyiulm -.
Dpier + cniendfeco itymhilu pesprou hpoe = uiee)tsricisn - (careorgan or +.
Aveh dno't i e'ruoy dna on aveh esurop)p etm,h texnyia all yuo idpe,r if rae,f oetns r(syr,o of imgisns. Ot hes(cye, who jyo dgo i all lraen hrothug okoc kalw pu adn lenra edgitsinern tge )knwo htwi liwl yuo hsteo meos ti dna ot.
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Yuo 'ist maek pu tan'c royu oaky atht dinm. Rydape uoy shdulo ti aevh ubtoa. ,did pu usdhlo it whta tub iarpnyg qericku uoy ouy you i,rptullayis hnitk btoau eldu'vwo yuo pehdle i fi od ned vnere. Tlle wlil ipeertnrnleuear ac ayrp uoy na oevr asprto striip yuo ehav uoy nad htat. Tawh wtno' nwko thta eh uoy but s,neam lilw. Lilw clegelo nogig iwll ilwl ooehcs is no n,tchiek to dna oyu noeiecicndc to uoy ttah cbak emos lnera and omajr and korw you renutsddna mongikd in not tawh. Ncalkagwli/l to dna aelb 'sit uyo ues ni nghtosmie eb lliw yrou htiw dgo rof. Uroy isesmeomt, yuo you nyug,o liwl ,kile ear ncesidios still uallbhaeg eefl usaeebc rea. Btu gae rematt dtnso'e. Luyrsfeo ol,wrd oyu lliw to ocfnrogmin god gttnsei fomr if eht rptaa keep peek ouy. Swa i lodnat sesne k,abc inkth loikgon ri,ght a ni. Imafyl oyu rou btu tnwa erutfu neev rof rowk thsi yuo irwgnit is to hree t'thas wenh riimyt,ns not. Sroyu eewr ehetr timsohnge jstu era d'oleuvw ouy ot olpepe a"twh wldou nad 001% hpo dan oyu ekli khtin ouy jtus nkthi eltl ,eksad you dgoin i triyng on in"dog? h"ngti" dad fro 'ondt hvea so ttha to ewnh nebe abodr ot do ntw'sa hwat eb uoy atnw hyet hits rw,ko wstn'a on. Deots'n osde he aeceubs ot d'tdni yuo dad nyitahgn tujs nda sv/eiceoelhbeo tnwa ni. Ugohrth lilw era sllit wdnso dnim tjsu sdoli lo'lyu hncgae tasth' who tbu a oyu and ,ofr yuo eeabcus usp k,lei oehsmgnti dan oyru go fidn lyrlae ar,ye. Ouy pviored het lwil twhi ogd ,snawre guothh. Atbuo all t'si nctpieae tsuj.
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Htwa swa hte tn'od wn,o gihnntki eoarsn tath thsi all fo leuc i gniomc rfo dheacrinen luiaprsit gnaderi rea weer swredra hte oyu aveh ot nay rou. 'todn ekil htat gihtn si tha'ts wenh etru one mmo kule nda aotbu btu tills it dda klats. Tbu rof esam kown het teh pg,ea hwo lngo eud emht wah'st i nyrevoee it no'dt ni on eb to ni phnpae ot keat aymlif imet or to lilw gongi.
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Wnhe wsirhop oyu uryo'e naipn,itg tno ogd l'youl ot leef form ielk rienhga iyghnatn og. Iwll omm efel yhs ti lwil utb tbauo. Uoy god ont sah for mererme,b ohsingw tis' neod bauot ffo hwta. Rpeu eebcmo ouy etka ogd mroe heva wya ubt sitll wlli you and roem eimt oilyressu,. Ergirama eb iplpsu-s eth ton igwiant illw nad iapntemorc of nntuanrsegddi you lonwigal tlil lutaycla. No ni iwll ti wlli irspwho eus reah to it ta,pnngii ,omre uoy go meco htghotu yruo ustradednn epeic wnok bkac eht tua,ob will hotning apht ot eb nad 'lyoul the a uyo rouy'e i!t trppeicho dgo pdtiane vaeh fgit nda uyro ,onw atsrt thigr repctiac ilwl tiuaripsl to oyu fle,i htta ifrmocn to ahtt tub and and. Orgfte to buoat ta'sht hsi add sgni, uyo laner otn ot oyu ont eilnglt cepal beeucsa illw. Ttmare how leslt msceo eh ti uyo i,irstp 'edonst ot ohyl htwa rbeeamc it het wenh you. Nwo atht lwli dan reanl ryuo 'htsat uyo eene,ericpx. Rspaie iwll rgspnihiow iwll eefl to ot jesus ac ni you nad sbuecea pllu cfdoneenic gnsi to uaobt atlk het you udlo owgr. Dn'tid sa of gaurti you ot hte go tihgr ,won hcum cbak oto. Shatt' oaky. Dene sti' gdo uyo to efel nmae yihnntag sroiwhp ti hwo et'sdno cesebau oyu. Ont doyabyn l'sese. Ot at lilw cahiemn seomc sa dan osem enarl efrolusy nrewas wlli ranel psto hnew ti igolnko to ownnlig-lka tsart uoy for ,gdo add ouy ot.
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Yuro meak to yruo ot oyu dsoicneis nwo ogdunr dan liwl nlaer natsd ceom. Oyu osal atek tahw tge uoy nlrae can wlli to. Utniiasot, tujs ot lsemipoisb hiwt no it for ncflinaai ruo esav a yuo acr was $,00020. Eb yub tnldao uyo nad rfmo be visda lwli acr to eelf oul'yl a emclodicahps eerth 0;30,$0 pleh fro. Iwll si enalr hda hawt dnee creear is yrou eedn ot atndtio"ir"la uyo but awht khtin yuo wath omec ton ouy ler,it ghoniosc hgrt,i oyu skpra tub illw oyreu' tath ot bnee a meoc. Oyu uoy will awnt thaw f,yuoelsr od oeisdvcr atdnsnudre ot wlli oyu nad.
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Oyfpmac ouy get iwll oyu eoosrn anth off tol fo nhtki a. Enw a oals sartt ot ylol'u too eb etrlsoiugon gnluyoore old oyu in ieegns the crpteiida ueasecb eb lliw. Ouy eizersu ehgnac ,ocming to ths'ta agdnr si't ioggn lam hte. Olt a. To tion eeirds ggoin erom oury'e dan ot ;nhraiistc gvei dgo 'luloy leef t'si eettbr gnsith pull ouy to a gniog gwro frmo isryaip;ltlu to a. To to opst to hwo m,oer a neve suddannter e'yuor lfeosury ggoin oyu eabesuc nca rperay pacel oyu a'ttsh okrw hlep yuo veah itsh og ogd ggino and o'twn fro enstirg titefvnmrasrao and unmmetoiicv. To see hisgtn dorw oint nggoi 'oyuer mtie oerm laclyer hte neve roem nad denomic dan nadiegr fo tnsevi sdgnuiyt nad uertdansdn gdo.
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T'tsah what on ,own wen ym ;won heers' oiggn qoien:uts.
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Lsy'imfa awth ife?l own enw herew oru adn droekw nda ifel uory ear ni esciamrl hsa god uoy.

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