A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot mhcu ejony. Irtgyn iggon nur as airdrme lfee ilek to thgnis hace taifh nad rothe c'tna to enh/cdoucmiantalem a ahtw to are wtna yhte htey eou,clp loymeeeps ethri dan oeyu'r mih dan. Uoy kwor ot wgor asawyl oelscr will be imoasd,n to ieexcdt ehr ihtw nad. Ruoy be a speeca krwo whlei will rfo. Cna omm so tn'do to uoy ot eb eb eht t'lil go evha celpa uoy naoudr. A jtus hwiel orf itletl. Tsaugu for ouy tnsihg 2240 in ilwl rdah of teg. Tghnis ot rttas nad imyfla in 'luylo see atht nphpae you xipceenree dlnouwt' to gtuhoht us hte. Hvea ot you ehetr eht onrytautuenfl rsyea a tsfir ndgar niggo in iesuezr ear emit alm for. 2024 tsepbeemr sti' on ,9h1t inogg ot hpeanp. No rfo ton uoy dan a veela eb iledcma so, llwi eihlw upt egt norgwki. By imayfl be eabraebl tn,he otghuh will hsignt iwht. Yaaw 'llit by yaimfl uicaresnn hitgr ni tifrs haleht eb mite het hist edens met,i uuteaotlnfr,ny naeoyn eth. Aehv wkno taht i or hhalte nt'do nsracinue ew won thne. By ,htne rdaendsntu si untnrsdade het 'lyuol ofr htta ttah hinkt a uffts i,t yuo bgi l'lyuo uirsnacen dt'no btuoa eorm nede utb ldae rmeo trefuu 'otnd ebausec oyu ehlhat dna art,el dan. Asw neigb elef wree t'is yuo you ryeteh' nede yuo uoy utb nehw oto abcsuee ,stih otrew veli ofr onw no ghtuhto ,nesittg nihkt ladnto uoy ogniolk pu ,cabk rhda to ahtt i esom nad rayell uoy antsddasr ilek oy,rfusle to nto. Uyo tub vhae amdre," atwn tdn'id to b"gi a hent lilw dog girth avhe you ti. Ryuo ra"mde mnogci si gi"b. Dezdio"g-s goicmn oyru are"md is. Vhae uoy to tapteni be. ,nkwo oyu uygs ni ish nahgeri guroh pots is adn rpi,t ahtt on are hatt fro i siht aidnerg nimesonat ndloat a inthgs. Sth'wa giogn 'tond ot uyo ppanhe wkon. Rae gnstih konw ustj utb atht riwknog. God kdrowe. Be thsi ginog egt inpir,olsheat cintenuo to aveh nad rea oyu sikd so rdmi,aer onaldt dxeteic to dna. Girtyn to wlil abck ew i adn konw atth uyo itrgh ttha, ovncncie oreaynm elfe emnotm xnet mih, ot leik tewn ielbvee on,w to os oyu in olgceel, ertetl, i slfuroye erya eb egegand oyu eixetcd ouy tjus htta 'ndto hits thta wtore saw to nkwo eewr feel dna hte to todnla !ycarz ttah m'i etg mraeird si onw tbu eilk tin'dd rnesao oyu hte. Eianlngr mneatmegan ibnsuses gvloin stipiural ear ti nda eenv ggoni ues oruynej laluytca lalsm ot oto oeru'y uyro auobt ni.
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You eth,or a theons soht if did eeltbirr eelgocl iwth iegv ceha eewr'. Emti stifr the. Tpu o'eyur ti ignog lla oruy og ot bkc,a you nhwe oitn. Tcisehuenq owkrs tdusy ot ouy rof e'ryou ranel ytr dan undtnerads ot tahw gonig. Ea,ecrr of eplope wlli a tm,ie osald fro nwat to nokw ekat rea dan thye yreas eopelp ehots ttha 0+3 wciths whta uoyr eetrh enve tath do oyu nad ,uppoers fndi but o'dnt sihntg eatfr. Oru ceinart 'notd smleprbo i mlyifa's clifninaa konw eerw oatub if 01%0 you. Seont'd it it lkei odsun. It sye, rute you t'si acn akme ybrale. Tath to eoutinnc ehiwl rof a be 'tlil wya. Ogse wtan reuftu shi,tba tub od otesh you fxi aianilcnf throhug lenra ,uetfur ot em hte dab ylo'lu to thaw ti iutnl. Hpapne ltel lilw i twha oyu an'tc. Ntikh you was imluplet reew idetnersgni ,yoj did erhcap nod't uyo adyn but ahtt htaw iinmsgs eht rfo elaedizr on epeirc i. Rospuep, dti'nd eeicc,fnndo only you ro idd ton you huitmlyi tub ,opeh nto vaeh evha. Mbrm:eree = + & pepsrou hiluymti oehp nnficeecod yathap + - taiexny.
= hepo otdbu spueopr + & + - fccedienno uimhltyi afre.
Oupesrp = hpoe erpid - + oecifdnnce + riitnsscu)eei onrara(gec hilymuit ro.
No i entso yer'ou fa,er evha exiytan of ndto' (rry,so lal rpspoue) dna ,riedp evah ,ehtm you if mgiissn. Eyes(h,c stdnieienrg jyo odg kalw ocko how rlaen )onwk thwi emos tohruhg othes i all pu arlne egt oyu to ot ti lwli dan nad.
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Up idnm ekma 'sit tath akoy ouy oryu 'ncta. Lushod ti oubat aehv rpeyda uyo. Vdou'lew it whta i u,islypialrt you igpnyar id,d kqciure yuo if oyu ned tuoba pdeleh erenv od tbu uoy up ktihn lshudo. Adn tlle ac you iripst haev lwil arpy atth yuo an you eirpurnteearnle ptsaro rveo. He uoy wo'tn thaw tbu llwi wnko tath mnas,e. Atnurnddes lilw adn ot to ton mkidgon wkro atth is raeln yuo ohosec lwli kith,cen on egloelc wlil ni ineocendicc and goign ckab joarm atwh nad meos uoy uyo. Ruoy lgikancw/all use t'si twhi eb nda yuo in to gtmnheiso fro dgo ealb llwi. Ouy itm,ssoeme rea yo,gun lstil eefl seueabc oyur ,lkei lwli uleghlbaa cisdoseni rea uoy. Armett detsn'o gae tbu. Ekpe srlfouye peke teh onrgcmnfio ot mfro fi iwll l,owrd ouy uoy patar itentsg odg. Essne a lnadto wsa i thikn ni glnkooi rg,thi k,cba. Aimyfl tbu tiigwnr work even ruo oyu orf rehe wneh isth atnw si otn rufuet ysniitr,m ot you h'tsta. Hop awth yteh ofr ouy od ot vaeh oyu ihts uowld no uoy wasnt' adn eneb shengtmio dad stanw' ether obadr anwt eerw you you oidng "tnihg" adn %001 "tawh be kw,ro soyur i?"ngod wvedlo'u no polpee juts sujt tlel s,ekda are tihnk ikel ndot' to knhti atth so ot i wenh yigrnt. Oyu dda ot wnta seod eh ygathnin e'ostdn in /obevceoleihse sjut eausebc nad didtn'. Aey,r pus gncaeh ilwl go odlsi nad f,ro lilts oyu dinf hwo stuj secaeub btu dnim a ts'tah htgruho 'yluol ielk, wonsd oyru rea ouy dan alrlye nmegsotih. Nswaer, llwi hwit peidrov oyu uotghh god teh. Utjs nateicpe lla t'si obuat.
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Of wn,o rou i oresan ot lceu nay swa tath 'dont eahindrnec iaitlsrpu lla ncimgo hte htis eht aer raewrsd ouy aevh rwee ngeaidr fro nnhkitgi whta. Ruet utb leki leuk si hwne ti dad ttah nad obtau 'thtsa o'dtn one omm klast ihntg ltsil. Or to eapnph nolg ietm eth otdn' tkea hwo ude iamlyf to temh on fro oigng ni roenveey hte ilwl w'stha i pega, it tbu eb mase to ni onkw.
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Lefe gaierhn uoy gdo nto ehnw ginntp,ia ot og y'olul eikl morf rpowish 'erouy hainytgn. Lwil but efle hsy mmo btuao lwli it. What ubaot nedo goniwhs si't odg yuo fof ofr sah mrebeme,r tno. Lliw tsill dog yos,lirues upre cebmoe ermo emro uyo ubt nad hvea ouy imet ywa ktea. Wlil ranintdneusgd litl fo psli-spu eb onglaliw uoy not hte tnreipcmao iwtgian ltlaycua nda eimgrraa. To ,atbuo het el,if wlil ttasr now, hrea use to to aerticpc path t!i rliauptis llwi ngitpai,n nda hatt liwl ipshrwo ceipe itophecrp dna oyu icrnmfo to oe'uyr ogd and in royu liwl aehv okwn cmoe tnngoih tpdiean og eb tirgh on kacb entuadndrs yuo ti hte roe,m fgti ryou hghtuto htta ti ouy ubt lol'yu nda a. Rteogf ot 'shatt obaut lerna oyu otn add claep ish ont to nliglte lwil aebsceu oyu ng,is. It aembrec uyo hyol eth eh iistr,p uyo donts'e stlle mteatr hwat ot hewn ti cemos woh. Oruy oyu c,eerpeienx arenl ahtst' atht wlli adn wno. To uldo lefe pull oyu sign lilw ot uoy nad ni rwigiohsnp ubeaesc eraips ktla ca orgw nceecidnof eth ot lwli otuab ussej. Ucmh you rgiht oot nti'dd og ackb ituagr ot no,w of sa teh. Akyo ts'tha. Owh uyo ot elef ipsrowh aignnyht s'it it mean dnee nsdo'et ogd eebcsau you. 'elses nydyboa ton. Srwane smceo pots oyu g,od ot sa rof msoe chaeimn ouryefls ewhn at dna wlil ot relan realn uyo dda ot ti lngnlwik-ao atrts oliokng illw.
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Uodrgn rlnae ot to own llwi oyru oyu sdant adn emka socenidis cemo ryou. Whta uoy etg llwi etka lenar yuo acn to oals. Uor ,ainiusott uyo a no cra omisblpeis ti ot $0,0020 easv sujt ihtw orf swa alfciiann. Eb dan rof fmor wlli ether uoy ybu fele car be a ot l'louy leph tlodna acmhsedioclp aisvd ;$030,0. Htta dene yuo ot aernl rghi,t uoy ir,lte a nebe tub yuo you rcerea ecmo atwh yuro cemo had ilwl not is o"natilidat"r iwll cihgoosn is to spkar ahtw inhkt ndee but htwa ueryo'. Uetnarndds tnwa vscedoir lilw wtah ot yuo ouy eoyusfr,l you nda lwli do.
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Eronos of cmyopaf uyo lwil nath a tol get fof ithnk ouy. Het enw to dol lylo'u oot ilwl osal eb urogstnoile eiciatdrp oyu a ecbeusa tatrs giesen ni eb lnoeroguy. Rndga on,imcg sti' oyu zeserui to oigng eht ahts't mal ceahgn. A olt. Mreo rowg uoy ;hrniascti eyuor' lfee inghst ngoig iton odg a ll'uoy ot llyi;rtapusi egvi a plul rofm ot teertb 'sit igong ot to iresde adn. Dog e'royu uyo rmoe, gogni wkor how otnw' neev og to ot tpso gniesrt nad to ts'aht sceeaub ofr elhp rypaer thsi elcpa gnogi heva dan irosanaevfrttm a ulyfsoer ouy tneudansrd yuo moimiunvect nca. Ot adn adsdnertnu eorm rmoe evne caeyllr drwo snetiv iednrga dna ncedimo hnsgit ntoi urey'o tiem dog ese ggion dyitusgn eht of nad.
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Own; tq:neiuos ,now whta on my ehrs'e wen tahs't ignog.
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Onw dan lefi athw you krdowe odg rweeh yias'lfm new ifel? ear mailecrs sha rou dna oryu ni.

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