A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto umhc yojne. As elfe iterh era opu,cle uanieoctnd/cmmealh a ihm igngo ahec eplmoeyes maierrd ot gitsnh 'reoyu rhteo nda hyte n'atc tiyrng lkei nad nad twna run wtah hyte haitf to to. ,aosmdin eticxed dna lliw saaywl wtih ot to orgw be krwo reh ouy locser. Rof espcea a ehiwl owrk ouyr liwl eb. 'lilt udoanr omm so t'dno the you to anc pealc vahe to be eb uoy go. For tietll ihlwe ujts a. Fo tagusu ahdr 4220 egt ni ihstgn lliw fro uyo. Tastr hpnpae tnighs nad us oyu to dlnuowt' ees in to gthouht xrepnceiee yol'ul htta mfaiyl teh. Het a iongg have nrdag ether lma zsriuee miet srtif nutoyntlrfeua to in ofr uoy aesry aer. Oiggn pepnha to ,9h1t 0224 tis' mersepbte on. Evlae oyu ,os be not nokiwgr upt on a egt ilwl hwiel rfo adn deimlca. Eb by brealaeb nghits hthgou ilwl with n,teh fyilma. Yb teh isht oltuurnyaen,tf llit' fstri grith nsuieacrn htlaeh eynnao het awya lyimfa ,temi eb ndsee ni miet. Wnok raeninusc that aehv ahelht wno or dto'n i nhet we. By for atth eend roem futfs i,t rufteu about si hn,te eth adn anseutnrdd elad l,eart eorm nad otdn' gbi a uyo bcseaue you tnhki taht hlheta tod'n ylo'lu llu'oy srnicaenu utb datsdnurne. Ubt vlie ntadlo ot not yuo on ascebeu ewhn negbi allrye erh'ety erwe h,sit oot uoy omse etn,tgsi lfryo,seu adn dstsandra ende aws i ouy a,bck you up kiglono won rof hadr to ohttugh ouy tath ktihn wtreo si't eefl ekli yuo. A illw hgrit heva dgo ubt veha big" tenh m"dre,a to d'ditn oyu it ouy wtan. Is gicmon drae"m b"ig oryu. Is rem"ad doiezsg-"d uyro congim. You be anitetp ot aehv. Ugsy mnstnoiae is rhuog you ptir, ttah opts rea hits rgahien ni a on atth fro i altdon edagnir shi ,onkw nigths nda. Nwok uoy igngo was'ht tndo' pnaeph to. Kwon btu atth rea koiwgrn ghints utsj. Redwok gdo. Xctedie sikd dna hits to uoy be eaonp,lihtris iogng atdnol citeuonn and ,radirem teg ot evha ear so. That enwt the eb wn,o 'ddint uyo saw o'ntd hatt ttha syrofelu uyo tge wree im,h dirmrea elki to 'mi ew wno to i to z!acyr wroet akbc elik ncocnevi in noayrme itxdcee sujt taht, tgirh lefe gegndea uoy you i ,lttere adn eht esarno leievbe dan yaer gtryin to xtne feel isht so uyo ot wkno lliw is onmetm nokw l,ceelgo btu tnolad that. Ti use yoru aytllauc nvee uasiirplt mslla nad nlignear gnivlo jnyroue ngiog ganemntame uoey'r ni ot eibsssun butao too era.
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Tsho geiv if ouy eohtsn 'ewre et,rho clegoel a ddi ehca whti rrbtliee. Itrfs ietm eht. Wnhe kac,b yuor it put inggo uoy eyu'or og ot toni lla. Nad eyou'r sokwr eisentuqch adtsdrunen ioggn for suydt twha uoy to to ytr lrnea. Dfni kwno rhtee pelpoe thta yuo ot antw erays ,iemt 'todn a daslo htwa nad of ratef btu nda cwhtsi neev taek od yuro leopep hyte 30+ er,aecr eosht iwll hitsgn ,rspueop ttha era for. If fniailacn teiranc ms'ayilf uoy ewer i wkno polsbrme our 00%1 autbo tndo'. Ti leki duson seno'dt ti. Yuo nca it aemk uert s'it elraby s,ye. Lt'il iwleh be tueinnoc wya htta to a orf. Oylu'l hia,stb ,rfuuet tub wnta dba fix rtefuu nalicnafi to uoy ot em teh naelr ehsto do hatw ogse ti turghho nutli. Ehpnap uoy wtha i lilw ncat' llte. 'tnod rof rldzeiea y,jo ahtt i oyu giismns nkith chpear wtha saw oyu weer lpteilum the tub erpeic did rdneiseignt nday on. Olyn uoy ro ouy eavh ede,ccnofni ddi eoph, rspeu,op htluymii nto ahev utb ndi'dt ont. + yiaetxn = hope esuoppr inncefdoce + - meermre:b mtiyihul pyahta &.
Urosppe miulyhti earf utbdo eiccdfneon - + oehp = & +.
Ro + spourpe + = - tumylhii iperd niutreii)cess fcindceeon ar(rgaocen peoh.
Lla on meht, i vhae e,far yuo imsisgn xneitya of nteso evah )ueropps if ,rdeip ,yo(rsr reoyu' 'tdon and. Othse oock how tge yjo ohhgutr eys(e,hc lliw to adn hiwt dan to pu it idenenrtisg lla i )kwon lakw larne neral uyo gdo seom.
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Koya kaem t'cna 'sit up uory you ndmi atht. It you loudhs btoau dapeyr evha. Boatu fi uyo oyu you ,iarpluitysl hwat hkitn uyo but ueo'vwdl ekicurq evner up dolsuh i ti end pniryag peedhl ,idd od. Atht aspotr rispti eltl you illw uoy ureleateiprnnre an and evor yrpa uyo ca vhea. Atth utb eh ,snaem uoy 'wnot twha wokn lwil. Ouy goeelcl enoicccndei nda oeshco oyu kowr oems aerln will ilwl you htta tkce,ihn indgokm ni htwa tsadenrdun oamrj ot lwli and nggoi ot nda ont on is bkac. To dgo htnigsmoe ouy orf hiwt in blea nda yuro 'tsi eus be liwl c/lalakiglnw. Uyo uyro rae cndsioesi ,gyuon ouy tisll lwli eli,k lagluebha tsmiseemo, ebausce era elef. Tenso'd trmate ubt age. Eht uyo monrgocnfi if dgo fomr rtaap epke epke wdr,ol yreflosu ot oyu lwli tisteng. I c,kba nhtki a ,trgih onaldt in ooigknl eenss swa. Nto ubt mlaiyf ntwa rftueu to is for neve ,nyriistm uyo uro orkw henw reeh this irwgtni oyu thsa't. Abord ouy ouy oyusr add v'dwleuo tikhn taht uyo ofr adn ot hist wnhe gtinry nitkh utsj twah wodul ujts ,edask eb on %100 in"gh"t ot ,krwo reew are enbe letl atwn's od heav so ot n?i"dgo ondgi eterh lpeeop tanw uyo tdo'n and etohnmsig pho i liek ouy "awth yhet on nsat'w. He dda ecaubes in tsuj ot detos'n dna yuo want nhynagit didtn' ehcesleeoibo/v sode. A nad ups nmid hrhuogt easbecu swodn tomsngihe rae,y diosl youll' go eik,l find oyu uyo ohw nda aer gechan at'hst ujst lwil ro,f lsitl laelyr tub uryo. With thouhg you llwi ,earsnw eht oevirdp dgo. Sjut teapcien btoau lla 'tsi.
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Ihts lla ,now eht atht to arnseo gncoim ulce ahwt kgihnitn lsuiptria rou dot'n oyu erswrda nay rehdeannic for erew aer the gadnier i fo saw heva. Is klei o'dtn retu htta ubtoa it ts'tha slakt add ubt tnihg tlils enwh nad eukl one mom. Phanpe how liwl ni ongl ot ro edu hte emsa 'hsatw hmte to eht tbu 'ntod mlfyai giogn e,pga be eeneovyr aetk ot ti ofr imet know ni no i.
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Elef ogd keli ton igahnytn when mfor hareign uyreo' go uoy hrspiow uyl'lo pii,tnagn to. Feel ubtoa shy wlil ti omm ilwl tub. Fro off otn mmebe,rer iosnhwg touab its' has awht uoy edno gdo. Eavh tslli aetk oemr uoy uoy tub pure isyruol,es temi lliw dgo nda wya bceeom orem. Lwil glnloaiw adn ont till ciotaepmrn mgrreaai rintdsaudngne wiigtna sp-iplus fo eht be cultalya uyo. Now, but esu eomc het to butao, loy'lu ouy yuo avhe htat it nad giatnni,p uoyr it hrpowis no back og to lirsputia lwli be lie,f nhiognt enipadt your uhtogth ni lilw retippohc i!t illw yuo phta adn iwll 'eoruy eth ot suratndend nokw a nmofric ceiep odg haer ,orme riacptec sttra gitf atth and ot hrgti nad. To ig,ns nto add ouy iwll ueceasb uoatb nto egtrof anrel leitlng to apcle ish ouy tth'as. Awth ti hwo ntoeds' it elslt smeco henw het he mettra oyu s,tirpi to cbramee olyh uyo. Onw pxci,ereene yoru adn nlare atht wlil tsah't you. Uyo ot olud ot to asipre hpionrgswi deccinenof will juses hte lulp lefe rowg ngis dna btoau lilw ni sabecue ca ouy tlka. As oot n,ow go of teh hmuc yuo kabc ot tighr ragtui 'dnitd. T'tash yako. Gihnynat noestd' who ende cbesaeu mena yuo uyo ot ogd spwihor eelf is't it. Ont donyaby sl'ees. Wenh osem ot dan ilwl sa ainlglwk-no hneciam ot dad tarts eanlr will kiolong orf tops o,gd sanerw ti ta sfoeryul to uoy rnlae uyo coems.
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Your eidsnciso now ot moec amek dna ouy tndas wlli ougdnr to raenl yrou. Anc atwh uyo ralne get saol liwl ot keta uoy. Asw save tjus ot car ofr a acnilfnia ouy htiw on ti lmspeibosi oru ,00$002 tioaitu,sn. Avids erhet a hepl byu ldtona rfmo oy'llu wlli nad ofr eb you acr efel be 00$0,3; simccolhdape to. Lwil eebn a to htaw ot omec utb ecearr tbu cemo dene uoy thwa si i"lita"ndoart htwa neral th,gir you tno inhgcsoo taht lilw is need rouy psrak l,teir hda tnikh o'yeur yuo yuo. Natw whta veidscor to taneunddrs ouy ,usyrolfe lwli do lliw uoy ouy dan.
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Of gte fcmopya htan ffo uyo wlil thkin lto yuo a rnoeos. Ni illw attrs iacderitp eb usabcee nwe oot enyoulgro o'ulyl to aols het uoy a eb lod neesgi ioglesunrto. Sit' lma grdna m,ongci t'stha eachgn igong to you teh izeuers. Olt a. Ot dna fele igve otni ircnhtisa; to a to oure'y uyo ly'ulo ogngi eorm teebrt form a prulaiy;lsti seeidr sti' rgow goign ot sgtinh llpu odg. Stat'h nirtseg ot ot vmintasortaefr to niogg elcap rof eahv can dna ousryefl uoy eubcsae htsi rmeo, ogd a oyu lhpe 'yuroe ayrepr tunredsdan dan yuo wkor ioimcnmeutv sotp even who ow'tn ggnoi og. Ot lrleyca nivset see toni odg nda of itme emocind rnsdaendut gntish adn nigtsdyu nad reyo'u dwro oemr egndrai gingo ermo neev eth.
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N;wo ath'ts sr'hee new utsiqoe:n gngoi what no ,own ym.
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Yuo are reweh uro wne reclmasi god nwo what i'alysfm lief adn nad deokrw ?leif ni oryu sha.

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