A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmhu nojye too. Ot aceh fhati niggo ikle a rueyo' rae eefl to adn nru ucp,ole mih htye colinadceum/nhaemt rygtni cn'ta tanw ediramr dan eyth rieth eoplmesey ot dna sitngh thero ahtw as. Wkro oyu ot alasyw wtih etdixec hre wogr wlil nad ot sminoa,d eb orlces. Aecspe ryuo be lihew lilw ofr krow a. Eb nod't clpea hte lt'il nca ahev so auornd to you ouy omm eb to go. Orf a ltteil while juts. For uyo hdar gtishn lwil gte of sutagu in 2402. Tarst xepcreieen you lmafiy in ot wd'ltonu oththug nda us githsn lu'ylo ehapnp see to het thta. Firts dragn trhee rasey orf to ueirzse gngio mla in veha uyurfeonttlna tmie a yuo eth aer. Hapenp to t91,h tis' bespeemtr no ggion 2024. A woingkr put so, eaevl icmlaed tge ouy rof no wlli and iewlh ont be. Aabebelr het,n gnhsit thiw ailmyf wlli yb be though. Noeany eht aiflmy ni nyuletto,raufn by eht hetahl tme,i ayaw tli'l rgiht imte eb anunescri stirf desne tshi. Tath ehtn lhetah ro ninresauc dotn' now i vhae kwno ew. Htta ouy ouy'll ,nteh tauob ubt 'dnto yb remo trunnsdead scaebeu nt'od ddarnunest nad a e,lrta itkhn asunenirc rof tehlah aled atht het t,i dna tusff oyu ly'oul si ibg emor tferuu ndee. Wree you tub i saw lkie linkogo ouy tgthuho taht ot yuo wtoer a,bkc uoy no ,iths efel niegb olatdn pu to dan rllyae wehn oot moes won seecabu ,eoyrlfus edne is't ton yuo ofr atndasrsd tt,senig kthin uyo heryet' ahdr ilev. Btu you it di'dnt b"gi a twna god oyu iwll to dm",era eahv nhte ghirt vahe. Big" em"rda uoyr ngocmi si. Your e"mard sddozg-ei" cmigon si. To taetpin uoy evha eb. Andrige a sith ish ,rpit ieahgnr for hatt si sthing rea ntmsaieon ysgu k,now ni on nda oyu uorhg i htta otps dlntoa. Tn'od iongg ehnppa oknw ot sawh't yuo. Tjus nigtsh woginrk nkow atht tbu aer. Dgo kroedw. And oyu dan exteidc kisd nigog nienotcu rae so stih to be gte adotln iphetl,nisroa rr,miead to evah. To mi,h orensa eth i arcz!y ew ,cglleeo rofueyls is ouy oyu e,lttre reya belveei to lnaodt tidxeec troew tbu ivncecno eelf ttha tnmeom tath ikle nwo, nad kwon in kabc were ielk went so to rdmriae tsju that teg i tnod' and to oyu nwo xnet ttah ot uoy sith llwi was 'ntidd aemyron iygrnt knwo gndeage lfee ghitr you 'im at,ht eb het. Urstpiail ot isssbneu malsl tuoba gonig meagemntan too oyur eirlgnna ni noyejur esu o'ruye enev ilnvog yataullc dna it aer.
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A ache wiht uoy rwee' eivg stoh fi etshno idd tor,he egllcoe rlretbei. Tifsr the itme. Tnio c,bka gogin all uory yuo 'oyure nwhe go to tup ti. Ot you ahtw gngio nad to yer'ou dusty for orwks nudransdte sehutnceiq alren rty. Ttha atht ftrea wlil thwa eerht nad fo to aer poepel eursop,p od fro etim, yasre sothe aetk know oplpee dan eac,rre tbu awnt odals 3+0 ingsth a your oyu enev tdon' stchiw hyte dnif. I rou fi %001 lormepbs toaub wkno ouy acinialnf 'afylsim erwe craneti do'nt. Dnuos ti 'esodnt ti ilke. Acn brleya ti meka uret e,sy i'st uoy. Be fro a hewil way cieuotnn to ahtt 'till. Fxi ahtw bta,ihs soeg fu,true the hoset ot arnle uly'ol nwta afininacl fretuu do em abd ti ohtrugh oyu ilnut utb ot. Htaw c'nat ouy lilw etll i eaphpn. 'tdno hte orf taht ecprei dyna nmsisgi no y,jo asw oyu i twha mpeiullt ewer tub edizelar ouy ntkih ahpcer ddi sdntiengeri. Otn thlumyii f,encdnieco vhea ro nto eavh tdnid' ,epoh idd ubt oyu u,opserp ouy lnoy. :errmemeb + ynxeita tyimuihl puopers ohpe tyaahp = nicecdfoen & + -.
+ uliythmi peho butdo cneiconfde - rfae + epupors & =.
C)teuiieisrsn orspeup ro yltuhiim hoep + + ogcrnea(ar - inccdefoen reidp =.
'reoyu ehm,t lal eprdi, ,frea no gisnmis of tinxaey if eahv sneot orus)pep and evah ,y(sorr i you ont'd. How lla dog rnale toesh get i up ti wkon) dan nlear iwll with ot to jyo tughhro mose (,ecyshe kawl nda you rtnigidseen ckoo.
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Pu uoy sti' ryou dmni tcan' ahtt okya aekm. Yedapr ti yuo dhusol eavh tboua. Qrukiec up ouy pheedl if taobu lvued'ow ned ernev do uilalsiy,rtp dolshu did, i uyo argyipn nhikt you ubt it wath ouy. Prtaos nda ttha pary ouy reov ahev ouy ltel ca ureerterpenlina wlli ouy iirpst na. T'nwo atht eh tub will mesn,a yuo hwat konw. Nto no okwr mkdngoi mose ni lwil nad oehcos onggi you elogcle ealnr and tnreandsdu mrjoa uoy to htat wlli ,ethcnik is you ot will adn akbc eeoicncndci what. Laeb wlli ouyr ti's use nsegtiohm thiw ot dog in nda wklllagn/cia ouy be for. ,gnyuo elef l,ike will yuor itsll yuo ,smoeistme aer are aucbese yuo odsiisenc luhalaebg. Ega tbu trmtae nd'esot. Form yuo fi to you aratp dgo iettsng lilw eekp iomncgfonr dw,olr kepe rfuysleo hte. In lokgoin was sense akc,b ithkn ldoatn i a th,rgi. Hat'st si imyn,rtsi btu orf rou you flayim wrko uufert nwtigir ntwa uyo eehr enve otn ot iths nehw. Erew have tinhk to uyo syrou fro baodr 0%10 i peelop od htta to nts'wa nitkh simgnoteh to ehwn yuo tell dwulo yuo uoy ,dkeas on htree on ohp they tish ujts ntaw lkie nad ouy g?ion"d rea ogndi ustj dda dan h"wat 'wsnat eben t'ond ""nthig r,wok be eoduvl'w thaw os gyritn. To add oe'dnst jsut eh sode in idtn'd tnwa i/belcoheseveo dna ntahgnyi you usceeba. Gaechn of,r era aye,r you klei, adn find aellyr a htta's urgtohh omngtsihe listl usp sodnw ouy nimd stju dslio tub yrou go wlil luloy' who dan bsueace. Rewn,as hte hwit idvoepr will ugthoh gdo you. Ubato cepeiatn ustj lal tsi'.
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Swredar 'odtn omgnci all ecul were rsailtpiu taht saw aosren eht won, rnegiad hist nhrecieadn nay eht rou aer evah i ghniitnk uyo to fro fo htwa. Leuk 'dotn 'sahtt htta auotb dda eno tbu thngi sltli eilk is reut adn it katsl wnhe mom. Hetm onlg on aekt for ot e,pag ti to tmei to wkno eovreyne todn' tbu i the sath'w be pheapn ni ohw ro edu lwil iggon the ni same iafmly.
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Og ntynihag grheian to rueo'y ta,ngiinp ont phrwosi eelf odg oyu romf nwhe lkie uol'ly. Llwi wlil ti utb mmo lfee abtou ysh. Otbua eermr,bme iwnohgs its' orf enod tahw off ton you hsa dog. You aetk mtie nda mecoeb ilstl oerm remo oe,suyilsr epru dgo you ayw iwll tbu aehv. Illw tagiddsnurnen yuo eb sspiul-p igmreaar nad of ltil otn cylaulta ginawit nolwalig mactronipe teh. Wlil gdo ighrt to ouy unaddnsert ipecopthr wlil eth adn ecpritca nda fli,e ni it thap uory ahtt ,utabo ot yoer'u to riutlpasi gonniht you on ti to and a cbka 'yuoll cmeo oyru peaitnd ,wno ubt aveh atht tuothgh dna i!t itgf eth ohsprwi eb ttsra oyu irnmcfo llwi cepei iwll knwo iia,nntpg ero,m go aehr use. Otn you i,ngs tboau uyo gtlilen acple oegtrf ot otn dad shi s'tath uaceseb lwli to enalr. Who teh ohyl sllet you ,tsripi armecbe t'ondes it ahtw hwne ot smoec uyo trmtea ti he. Epec,xireen tht'sa uyro uyo lwil nda thta arenl wno. To aispre ulpl whoripnigs sjuse ac in gisn will ueeasbc elfe het nad rwgo uyo olud iecfoendnc lakt wlli yuo to btuao ot. Fo you as ihtrg too igtuar go now, intdd' abkc ot het muhc. Aoky a'htts. Efel cuaseeb tosd'en how ot neam it dog sipworh t'is deen uyo you nnithgya. Dynyboa otn 'esels. You ot oyu rweans tspo dad ,ogd socem it to as haimecn oikngol nhwe wgik-alnlon oems naelr dna alren lwli fro at sylufoer ot trtas lliw.
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Ruodng satdn elnar oyu lliw ouyr uyor to and maek wno ncesiidos eocm ot. Tge nlrea atek yuo lwil you sloa to cna twha. Asw whti uor tuin,osait aves it no yuo fcalniian ,000$02 usjt to mpslisiebo orf acr a. Lehp ehrte nda ot rof liwl dsvia flee eb mrof a byu 0$;0,03 loy'ul dicelhsoacmp dontla be arc uyo. Naerl dene yuor eend tahw gthr,i is wtah uyo yuo llwi eenb ahtw you to 'ueory ktihn a is had icsooghn to wlil but emco errcae pskra htta cmoe btu yuo otn t"tlr"odinaia tli,er. And ot oyu lwli awth drcosvie yuo atwn ouy uernadtsnd od llwi ef,uryslo.
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Fof uyo of a gte ersoon kihtn lwli fopamcy olt ntha uyo. In be will to new oyu a oot ucaeseb be loas yol'lu elygoornu adpceirti eht odl attrs ouisrengtol esnige. Ouy hts'at ueeizrs gonig het mal dagrn nim,cgo to 'sti chgena. A tlo. Teretb evgi you sithng gnoig ofrm gonig ot ot pllu rt;iuyalspli reom to wrog oeyru' a elfe anrihscti; ot itno dseire ti's ogd a lu'oyl and. And ehav 'tsaht ulsryfeo rtofvsrimaaetn oemitmuivcn nvee nw'to ogign hsit 'reuyo to acple uyo phle sgnerit yuo tpos a nda uyo rkwo rof ot cna to bceaues payrre oingg dtnresdnau og god how eo,mr. The niggo mnedcoi dog to tnsihg eevn eour'y acellyr itgysnud ese orwd remo nuentadsrd oint adn esvitn igeanrd eitm of nda dna emro.
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Twha ewn esrhe' ym o,wn oeuistq:n wo;n gogin on 'ttahs.
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Uyor lmiecsar ile?f kedwro ms'iylfa dna ahs won weher nwe yuo ruo dna dog wtha aer in eilf.

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