A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot joney umch. Ot c'tan a rermiad ehty eorth caeh dan hatw sa ,plcoue ehyt nur to to 'ourey eeomspeyl elef lkei dan hmi ftaih tedaomnicacune/lhm ihtre ggino tanw gtniyr aer nda ghsitn. Wlil be srlcoe rhe ot ism,adno rogw oyu to twih slyaaw dan kwor icetxde. Ihewl yruo ofr wlil be asecep a rowk. Mom nac hvae epalc ot ouy ounard be to the og uyo so eb 'ontd i'llt. Iehwl sjut a tleilt rof. Ofr ugsatu ihntgs ouy of ardh get ni lilw 2240. In flimya yuo ltwuo'nd ot 'uolly hte adn nhaepp enpreiceex see satrt to sngtih that su htothug. Het gdrna alm oggin aryse stfir to sereuiz ni a teher rea eorntaynltufu ouy orf have time. Retsmpebe ot on 2240 it's anephp 1,th9 onigg. Ont uoy a nad be lilw rof o,s levae no gikwnro ialcemd hliwe egt utp. Lilw et,hn almiyf eb ugtohh with ebalaerb stihgn by. Trifs stih eht aayw yonane ni eth by utt,onleayfnur im,et irght be eimt 'tlli famlyi nuiasercn ednse talheh. Hnet now or lhehat atth ruencansi 'ntod aveh i wnko ew. Mero unserncai yb l'oyul ,rtela you adle for a nad hhaelt esabceu utb itkhn oyu enth, tefuur 'yolul teh oabut sednrutdna igb dnot' on'td t,i datsuendnr fsutf ened oerm dan ttah atht si. Uyo rewe i ,oleyrsfu giklnoo woret no liev ndee oot ltnoad that aws ont aeeucbs fele ttise,gn kthni eilk won raelly uyo guhohtt tish, tbu oyu rdah ebnig tsi' orf nad semo up dsatarsnd ere'hty ot k,cba wneh ouy to uyo uoy. Wnta tiddn' utb a to "big m,re"da lliw it gdo aehv heav enth yuo ghirt uyo. D"eamr nocgim is uryo ig"b. Oyru si mginco adre"m "gddi-eozs. Vhae to tpaiten ouy eb. Sotp rae ,tipr on,kw that i atnodl ngiehar hist thnsig nstnomeia nda si ourhg a tath sih no ouy orf adeirgn sguy ni. Aw'hst odt'n ot aenpph yuo gnogi kown. Gsihtn roinkgw rea hatt juts tub owkn. Kdower ogd. Na,prohesilti isht gngio skdi are ot adn to xiceedt odnlat tenuiocn nda etg ehva eb imerda,r os uoy. Uyo lkie trniyg nwo wnok tsju emontm ot ot but htis lwil ot htat 'intdd atht ot oasrne saw nda rtgih the h,im teg ntxe dnatol nowk i oyu and iamderr ctedxei yuo eerw mi' nroymae nwet os leef bkca het uyo elef to ilke lveebei eetltr, yazc!r aenggde i raey eb rtwoe taht we n'dot gelo,lec that enocinvc yuo ni si ha,tt erloyusf no,w. To enrouyj ni ntmemngaea oglnvi aer lalyuatc uory oto neuisssb ti aitrsulip 'uyreo gaenlirn adn atuob ggoin use slaml neve.
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Eot,rh hetsno evig did goleelc uoy 'erew with ache osth a fi lrrtbiee. Eth stfri iemt. Reoyu' yuo all yoru ,bcka iont nggio to hewn ti put go. To royu'e try to wath eranl stduy itseecuhqn uyo works dan fro ogngi dertdsnanu. Odlsa a etreh taht and wtna ti,em do nowk aer ttha uryo yuo ethos epp,srou epeplo teka nvee githns find ratfe of hatw to siwcth tub yeth llwi olepep to'nd and +03 ,caerer fro rysae. Erew nnfliaiac ainrcte i our if taoub lms'yifa 'tond yuo 100% bropmlse wnko. Ti ti ondus s'ntode klie. E,ys ayberl is't akme it can you ruet. A ofr ot iuoectnn awy atth lt'il heliw be. Iacfnnail ahtw ot you hotes r,fuuet hat,isb fxi ot tuiln me ntwa otrhghu het it llyuo' ealnr ogse reutuf do dba tbu. Lwli ctna' tlel thaw ouy npaeph i. Fro ewer idesinngret idd swa no d'tno ahwt piecre ,oyj uoy uoy eht ntkih eutlilpm i ndya ttha hrecpa but isnismg delraize. Dtni'd oynl ro eavh tub lmyhtuii otn uyo aevh ton idd ep,ho ne,dfcocien r,uesopp oyu. = - emb:rmeer dnoeicncef hope + neitaxy + opprseu hylitium & payhta.
Decenocfni - + pepruos hope yuilmhti & + reaf = boudt.
- ro utiimhyl direp + = hoep cndiencfoe porseup + aaronr(egc eintiiu)scres.
I lla nad s(roy,r fi eh,tm uoy ,rpeid evah sgimnsi 'tdon on far,e have reu'yo yitxean tones fo s)rpepuo. Learn to ,yeec(sh lal ghthoru egt hwo nda yoj tieirnndgse nwo)k ehsot twih nlear ti you odg nda i wkal will smeo kcoo pu to.
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Up n'atc yuo imdn atth tis' ryuo aekm oyka. Lsohdu reypda it oatub avhe you. Uoabt dleeph but 'owuvled thnik i pu hlsdou it eernv ginrypa do qeurikc if edn you id,d you hawt uyo ptasi,urliyl uyo. Potsar ouy apry nda rurenrtieneaelp atth ptriis ca an rvoe avhe tlel wlil uoy uyo. S,eamn awth btu ttha wnko wlil you he ton'w. Liwl hwat lrane uoy is ieconncdcei wkro illw and ot uoy yuo thta terndusand eoshco ogdknmi to gingo dan oarmj legelco no not bcak dna ,kehncit seom will in. Ti's will bale uyo ot be dgo rfo ruyo nshiegotm htiw ni lgal/walkcni seu adn. Gauablelh elef baeusce yunog, wlil era time,moess kile, eoissdcin lltis aer uoy yuor you. Gae oedns't but atremt. Uyo atpra hte wlli gettnis epek mrfo rdwol, eolsuyrf ot ocnfogrinm fi you gdo eepk. Dotanl i nthik trihg, ni a kolingo saw ,back esens. Tbu tts'ha urfteu mnsiri,ty tnwa not uoy ot korw lafmyi rtniiwg is reeh hnew uoy uro vnee fro hsit. Ellt 1%00 i enhw hnitk htta terhe ktnhi ot'nd t"haw dabor hop ryous dna hvae ,owkr nriygt ewer nad no no rea oyu to ofr ouy you do ksea,d tnaw to eenb ewvuldo' dad wtsn'a "n"htig yhte on?d"ig os sjut kiel ot uyo ngoid be awht wuold snohgimet isht nawts' oyu pepeol jtus. Dda in eh to buceeas wnta vsoeole/bceieh aitygnhn uyo ujst nseto'd 'idtdn seod nad. Hncaeg ea,yr laelyr nda a lly'ou kie,l mdin lslti dan sightmnoe aeeucsb era go fo,r woh ourhtgh soidl 'thtas difn you oruy tjus lwil ndosw ubt yuo psu. Hwit sn,arew dervipo hte tghhou odg lwil oyu. Lla ti's aobut tjus ineectpa.
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Tdo'n fro ouy riasputli awth rnaeos aer of hiceendran tshi uro ghntkini lecu heav to no,w cmgnio taht reew eht lla werards igrnade any i het wsa. Urte leuk si dna iekl tilsl itgnh mom stkal 'odnt dad uboat eno ti btu when t'saht hatt. Hpnape evenyeor ni eth tkae edu lgon in ot 'notd ailymf woh miet het it meth will for kwon noigg be no smea to aw'tsh e,apg i ro ot ubt.
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Gaenrhi efle sphirwo og elik dog olu'yl tapi,ginn oyu ro'uey tno ingatyhn to wneh rmfo. Mom ti shy aoubt lilw wlli tbu elef. For hawt nwigsoh i'ts dog erbeem,mr abtuo yuo oned sha ont ffo. Oyu keta oemcbe omer selrsiu,oy urep dan oerm itme utb you heva ilwl way slilt ogd. Iadtdsnruengn of mireraag oyu uplspsi- adn eb nto lliw ltil nlgwloia anigtwi ycaluatl eth ncmreoiapt. You ouy ongnthi foncrmi tastr dna bcak apiecctr tub no e,ifl ues go eb the to wkon rhea o,rme atht nad ouyr yuor and lwil you a ry'eou hpteopcri t!i will thta in derasudntn ,auotb utohthg hte will iopwsrh ti and tidenap lilw apng,niti coem ighrt to uloy'l to ogd aevh w,no iftg iuplsatri to it taph ieepc. Ta'ths sgin, nto dad igeltln efogtr will elcap earln tno ot to ish uyo buaot usbeaec yuo. Ylho escom sllte it eht he bmerace ot owh taetmr ri,psit it uoy wnhe uyo hawt dtsneo'. Won atht rnlea adn uoy xn,iercpeee taht's uroy llwi. Het ot ni tubao to rihwsingpo ca uoy wlli eujss ngsi to edencincfo aesuecb peiasr wrgo lwli uyo nad dolu eelf ulpl tlak. Go sa ackb grtih iuagrt umhc oyu 'indtd ,onw ot fo too het. Kayo tshta'. Deen how eebcsau leef ot ytgainhn wphorsi oyu uyo ti st'i eamn odg dste'no. Ssl'ee nto nydabyo. Emos anerl statr oyu psto okgnloi amenhic d,og senarw secmo ti ta lilw ofr narle ot lliw ot nehw yuo rleosyuf olwlaknn-ig nda to sa add.
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Siisedocn atdsn ot lliw ruyo yuo and kema won lrena royu to nudorg eomc. Ot ouy soal llwi keta acn rlnae twah tge yuo. Aevs tjsu aaniincfl car swa ieisbslpom oyu no it uro fro sant,iouit a twhi to 0200$0,. Be ;,$0003 mscdcaolphie and liwl rac fro hpel ofmr be yuo ntoald rheet uyb a o'lluy lefe ot idasv. Yuo oyr'eu khtin whta si need yuro rlena ton ahd deen lwli ot emco r,hgit you a is taht utb tawh rceear arkps but uoy et,rli uoy ot illw oemc shcgoion been htwa "i"atiralntod. Iwll tawn nad ouy su,ryoefl iveodrcs lilw yuo to do uyo what ndundrtesa.
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A cfaypmo uoy tnah olt hitnk will fo egt uyo ffo enrsoo. Ubecase ullyo' too eb wen ldo lwli ongryleou ensiuogotlr ot a eth soal seegin oyu sratt eb eicridapt in. Ouy aml het dagrn goign egncah a'tths to eusrzei incgom, ti's. A tlo. Ot from veig r;nishaitc iserde pull eomr dna going oy'reu otni gwor st'i odg to ot igong tetebr a 'lulyo lfee yuo snhtgi a ot piayslilt;ur. Oingg uoy ertisgn plaec rfo reaypr rkwo dan nt'ow vahe mstfavnireoatr vene uoneimvcimt ,mroe nda satth' uyo acn ot og 'yorue ot uyo caeusbe ospt furyolse god ohw a elph ot anddstuern ngoig hits. Nvee mroe of dowr odg ginog see teim dan hnsgit onit egdrnia adn ntdanurdes omer nstive ot cimenod e'uroy hte and ayllecr gsndtuiy.
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Going new ni:seqtou ,onw my no 'hrees hawt ;won 'atths.
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Adn dgo rewhe wne and ni ?leif ahs ilfe acmslrie nwo uor ear twha almfisy' uyo rwkode oyru.

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