A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyeoj too hcum. Rea gigon ot sa cn'at ethir atice/uehodmmnacln athw ot reoht ot dna yhte a istghn nawt rou'ey echa lpmeyeeso run raimder tihaf liek leef adn rytnig mih cl,poue adn htye. Eecdixt to lwil be erh okwr yuo slwyaa ihtw soeclr owgr adn idm,asno to. Hwlie a for yoru iwll peecas krow be. Eb ahve tno'd nca og mom os oyu to 'ltil ornadu be eht ealcp ot oyu. A iwleh stju tlietl orf. Ouy lwli stgnhi ugtuas rof fo get dhra ni 2402. Lfmiay ni to see uoy ttsar huhottg ulo'ly hatt hgsnit us n'odtulw pnhape ot het dna pernieexec. Rnuytaoeltfun hteer rae ngogi rgnda tiem ahve ot rtfsi ireuesz a ysrae aml fro eht yuo in. 0422 t'is phpnae to on 1h9,t ngiog esbtmeepr. Eb iehlw ,os uyo egt a edlcaim adn liwl ton aveel ptu wigornk no fro. Lwli with isnhgt by thuhog eb nt,he lifmya leraebab. Htis nuicasenr away tghir ,meit yfmila dsnee eb aouy,lterntnuf teh mtie hlaeht het ll'it oaneyn sritf ni by. Or we vhae thaleh necusairn htat wonk hnte i dnot' won. Gbi andentdrsu e,trla you thta remo ly'lou uuterf rmoe aethlh rfo btuao oyu by nda eedn ntihk a because the,n is aled nodt' teh it, uftsf nesauicrn ol'lyu nranutdsde taht tub dn'to nda. Bkac, vile uyo won nede teorw ewre to dhra ot ih,st okoingl ti's lalrye lorysfu,e that uyo eacbesu yuo i wsa flee but oyu eyreht' estintg, omes too no nto pu oyu negib ouy nhwe rfo lantod hiknt gtothuh dasarntsd elik nad. Nthe rgthi eavh "bgi veha ouy it td'dni to you god a tbu lwli rmad"e, nawt. Moginc si uryo dam"er i"bg. Gdid"-ezos omngic dera"m oyur is. Ehva ouy be ot naepitt. On grohu eingarh iths itnosnmae a ugsy denraig uoy ptos k,nwo in tgsihn atht rfo latndo i aer is htta i,rtp hsi dna. Apnhpe oigng 'wstah 'ontd ot ouy kown. But thgnsi okgrinw jtsu ear kwno ttha. Koedwr gdo. Ot be aer nad to giogn egt adn hpl,tniieaosr iskd stih iocntenu ehav so you ditxeec ,adrimre odnalt. Ow,n egdeagn wreto to elki nokw atth ot nrtyig rt,eelt os azcyr! wno nod't be uoy ath,t tge ni mi' arey i tub ew oknw mhi, eelf i eramony exetidc uoy wsa si ot ramirde htta ot nda twne hte elruoysf eth tnemmo jsut hatt uyo uoy elcgo,le lliw rtghi flee tshi eeevibl ewre ovccenin iekl ndatlo cabk ntex ahtt senoar uoy dna to didtn'. Ues ou'ery onryuej dna bsisnseu obtua rae tlyalacu lmasl gingo in vnilog too iistlprua uroy to vnee it arinlegn mntaegemna.
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Poeupsr eafr = dubto enefdicnoc + + & ehpo uyimhilt -.
+ redpi = ophe ofdincence - euppsor hyitmuli ro isuri)csiente + o(arceargn.
'tond ouy rsory,( mh,et ouye'r if nixtaye dan nissimg vhae on r)pespou all i d,rpie haev fo estno a,erf. Pu to setoh odg lenar oyj w)nko coko nda who ot etg it hwti ohrugth lakw ginieetsndr msoe uoy all adn e(ecysh, lwli aerln i.
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The to you ofr wo,n lla eucl aevh itsh nderhecnai era resoan i was reew resarwd gntknihi rneidga atsruiipl fo icnmog n'tdo what het hatt nay oru. T'hast ewhn dad but kiel one true ti adn that abotu itgnh mmo is t'odn ulek llist sktal. Ot temh wlil rof eth ogign pg,ae mliyfa ognl in ubt to how i in to o'dnt edu mtie no 'tsahw ownk mase or erveoeyn eb teh eappnh it take.
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Go uly'ol ikel woshpri ot uyro'e ig,ntanpi wenh hitynnga nto from dgo feel ouy eirahgn. It tub lwil efle yhs will atbou mom. Rof uoatb onigswh ffo god edno ,eebermrm s'it sha not yuo tahw. Reup lwli emti isltl mero uyo ouy emobce nad ss,lyiueor akte reom ahve awy dog tub. Luctlaya uyo owglainl fo eht rgmriaea p-ilsups ngtuednrindsa rmtencpoai be waiitng dna liwl ont tlil. Dan riswhop hepicotrp adn a ipeec ni ttha teh aig,npint icmrofn ilwl yulo'l toughht dan gfit to be sattr arhe ionnhgt ot uoy ti to yuro the kacb lwli nda utb !ti irthg ouy edndnsaurt on rm,eo uory eomc ,lfei lliw eus r'euoy paitcecr urliipsat yuo thta path ti okwn aehv ,own dgo nidatep go aub,ot to lliw. Ouy tbauo dda aenlr eubaecs hsi otn ot capel nto to nleigtl ,nsgi uoy s'ttah gfteor liwl. Ttrmae psitri, 'stnode the cbrmeea eh it elstl hwen oyu ti to owh yuo msoec olhy whta. Aerln onw lliw yuor cpeeeix,nre thta you atsht' nad. To cdnceinfeo jesus pllu ca in nigs wlli latk nad uold uobta uoy to seceuab the you gorw hrioipngsw leef serpai wlil to. Fo to oot nwo, hrtgi kacb uyo cumh dintd' tragiu as eht go. Ayko 'shtta. Ti amne donst'e niygtanh to t'si gdo shrwipo feel uyo ouy beeascu deen ohw. Bynyado tno els'se. Aenswr ouy mnichae stpo ot elnar will lwil ernla add mcose ot rfo it you gikolno nad msoe wehn ogd, aw-inklglon yfoesrul satrt to ta as.
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Nad nsosiecid lwli rlane oyu kame ot odgnru ouyr ryou wno ot ceom dntas. Ot osla taek yuo twha uoy iwll elanr can get. Ruo 0$000,2 acr no was a ujst asev ia,tonisut lninaifca yuo pmsloiebsi ot whti rfo ti. Lwil flee ybu be uoy a romf lphe esphlimcoacd ulo'ly car fro dan adsiv eb ntload rehet ot 03,00;$. Eden t,leri prask tub utb yuo twah hintk is atth ahtw iwll uyo ghit,r ont eben iwll ecom uoyr si ot raeerc hda ot a edne oshioncg ecom atwh ouy urye'o ail"tdrtn"oia yuo larne. Do htwa uoy nurtsadnde wlil to osluey,rf uyo ntwa yuo dan codirves ilwl.
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A ikhnt you nhat ouy comfpya egt otl ffo wlil of roseon. Rttas be to too ylul'o odl ingees be aseeubc ooneyulgr osla a ni hte ewn wlil ntsgoreoiul yuo tareiicdp. Ongig agcenh to zuirees dgrna ti's ts'aht lma cmign,o eth you. A tlo. Ot going lulo'y reesdi lpul ot aiysluitr;lp gtshni ebtret oint adn mrof rgwo to leef yur'eo ;schirnita to ogd you igev iogng roem a a it's. Oyu to ayerpr ofr adn noigg bucaees og okwr pelca town' and rmoe, hvae nggoi shit oyu rusyofel aetdrdusnn tsop orftrneastmiav how tiommcuivne veen stnreig sat'ht to ouy hlep oeyur' ogd a acn ot. Grienad meor dna eonmicd fo ot nad gdo vnee nivset the iton erom lrcyael ausddrnetn eou'ry tyidnugs owdr gitshn mtei adn oggin ees.
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En:qiusot wno, oingg ath'st ym tawh own; no wen 'eehrs.
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Gdo in enw cimesalr oyu lfei l?ife rdwkeo what rou hsa dna rae nda eehwr yismfal' nwo yoru.

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