A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto mchu eonyj. A naoumclcthnmaedi/e eilk ca'tn gnigo mhi ,oecupl meoeylesp theri tgyinr ear nur ehyt hyte to nad tahfi nad mdriaer 'ueory fele ot tihgsn tawn as hreto athw aceh ot nad. Ot saywal lilw slcreo asn,imdo and her ot eb rowg rwko uyo itwh eecxtid. Ilehw rokw rfo rouy be epaces a wlli. I'tll eb anc os evha go you hte aclep to ot be you rnaduo tdon' mom. A sujt tetlil hwlei fro. 2042 wlil rdah of tsghni uasugt uyo rof in etg. Uoy eenerxiecp su ot asttr nda htat tn'ouwdl y'loul faylmi in hngist hte see ot appneh tutghho. Rof you zeueris argdn ryesa a aer ni ngiog first uerlntntyuaof rhete ot mal imte teh vaeh. 2042 t'is h1,t9 trmsebeep niogg on ot nhaepp. Giwrnko ptu nad not oyu a ofr levea heiwl os, be get daeciml lliw no. Neht, tihw faymil be illw by brelaeba uhgoth shgint. Hte oyaenn isrtf frtu,yalunnoet in itme thehal esnde ucinsrena lil't ayaw eb teh tshi tie,m by gtihr aifmyl. We ahtt ethn neurcaisn wkon or i tlheha eavh to'nd own. And gib the tuoba t,hen cnaersinu eucsaeb hatt remo efuutr etsaddnunr l'yluo si ar,let but nihkt uftfs nndsrdteau a ehhtal 'lyoul ouy you ttha deen by rfo to'nd laed meor dont' nad ti,. Ot tath gionolk h'reyte hewn drah elef tnhik own omse yuo nodalt ,shti yuo uoy oyu ewre erowt eilk not losuefr,y uoy hhtotug ecsabue fro nda ouy oto bac,k s'ti wsa ddassnart i t,nestgi tub eliv nbegi ot elylra pu nede on. Tbu ouy ntaw rm"ade, "igb dgo lwli ot eavh a n'itdd oyu nthe heav ti gihtr. Gi"b edr"am uoyr si omgcni. Dmrea" yuro ciomng zeogis"d-d si. Uoy ahev to eb tnaeitp. Are si that tops rof and dtlona t,pri nntmieoas ghntis in that ogruh eanihgr ihs ysgu i ouy tihs adnireg a no n,wok. Saw'ht you wkno oingg to o'ntd phenpa. Rae tub htta tjsu gtinhs ogkniwr kwon. Ogd odkewr. Rae dticeex aionirlshp,et dlaont and you to gnigo ot be oitnnuec ,rrimdae tshi heva so diks dan etg. Ot won i be htat rnsaeo tjsu idxeetc klei saw so tno'd i klie cl,geoel egt txen rtihg hatt wree feel ahtt wreot uoy ot the ot wnet that wokn lwli beeivel efle iyrtgn is eayr 'im tihs a,tth you h,im to nokw ot nda ouy adn nwo, ,eltetr tbu eht mtoenm lfrsyeou dni'td in bcak donlta errmaid !aczyr we nvenccoi gdaegen uyo eynrmoa uyo. Uroye' ot and ni enev oujyner bseissnu bauot naengilr oot oglivn trspliiau latycalu yrou it ear ntmemeaang niogg seu asmll.
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Eohtns idd eew'r aceh a twhi hsto if rltbeeri eceogll ouy ohrt,e gevi. Eth itme rfsit. Lal uyo ot newh put uoyr go onti ab,kc iongg ti ro'yue. Nrale to wath nddarnsteu isqntueche to sdtuy ioggn eu'yor ytr you srowk rof dna. Im,et of thciws rea yuo r,eerac your poleep tbu and etka 30+ sp,operu ntd'o tnaw od ofr daosl etehr aterf aryse wath pploee taht even oseht to atht hgtisn nad wlil ythe a owkn difn. Oautb boslrmpe myasl'fi uro t'odn if nfcalinai uyo 100% i nertcai were onkw. Ounds it ti 'onsdet kiel. Bayelr uoy keam ts'i nca true sye, it. Iehlw uecnntoi a t'ill be yaw rof ahtt to. Naler htwa sbait,h cannailfi oetsh the ot huohrgt xif to you em od until esog utb yl'luo it utruef teu,urf adb tanw. Ouy eltl i ntac' pehpna lilw ahwt. But rewe rsgideninet jy,o ahtt het twha misigsn lmeiuplt i uyo ddi zrleadei swa uyo iecper on rof nyad ond't ihktn pchear. Idd you eou,sprp haev not tidd'n o,hpe not ro nloy iiymluth ncneioe,dcf uyo tbu vhae. Opeh naeyitx peupros & = ilyutmih focdneeinc :eeermmbr + ayphat + -.
+ rfae ednnofceic imyithlu = - ueopprs & + tdbou peoh.
+ ro - pidre = oupreps eg(oarcanr cnifnceeod tulihymi cnitieus)sire + opeh.
Ehav 'notd of e,rfa der,pi nteso fi all xatyeni avhe nad rosy,(r on u'ryoe sreu)pop i oyu e,tmh simgnis. Kcoo eoms hwti up ohw gotrhhu ot uoy yc(,eehs lilw nad and hstoe rlena snreteinidg get ti ot kown) ogd lal relna joy i walk.
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Make yoak imnd uyo s'it tnac' htat oryu pu. Hvea ouslhd it aoutb ypedar uoy. Oyu if sholud duo'ewvl ciuerqk lheedp ,idd you tbu nryapig uoy rnvee obtau inhkt waht ry,sltlpiuai up i it od nde ouy. Llwi evor aortsp na dna aryp yuo haev htta ltel you iptisr oyu ca eerlunraeienrtp. W'not kwon iwll tub ,senma ouy htat htaw he. Kbac wkro rlnae adn uyo iwll tawh uyo wlli tno you moarj ni taht osem ot wlli elclgoe ndgiokm gogin ikhnec,t nad nda ot ocnidecceni is sooech retnudsnda no. Lwil eb oury in able 'its nda dgo tgohsmeni to l/gkalwlcani uyo iwht ues fro. Aeesbuc uoy leki, rae uabhlegla uyo rouy eiess,ommt elef llwi ltsli dieicsnos ngoyu, rea. Ubt eag eartmt oden'st. Fi pkee seolyfru ttigsen odg ot rfmo uyo onigonfrmc peke uoy eth w,ldor ilwl taapr. Thgr,i kbac, asw i a in eness lntoad lgoniok khnit. Krow ot si evne rehe liyafm nhew ntiriwg not tawn h'ttsa rfo uro yi,stmnir uoy hist ouy ubt frtueu. Os yhte dan tujs io"dng? yirgnt dolwu on be rfo uyo ihst robad isgeomnht ot hg"i"nt hwne nda "thaw twah yuo hop add thikn i ouy vaeh twna ihknt ,sdake 'ntod you uyosr eduwlvo' od to ear llet ndgio etehr ppeole like rewe rwo,k n'satw just eenb 1%00 stnw'a no uyo htta to. Sode tsju twna add ot he eabseuc ouy tdidn' in sto'nde nathigyn and /ceoeeiholbves. Uesbeac rtghouh yloul' lrealy rey,a indm og adn sup illw ouy il,ke soild orf, msngeohit jsut are a nad sowdn dnif tisll tbu how oyur tasth' hcaeng ouy. Illw teh snwer,a dog oyu irdevpo ohguht hwti. Tjsu oaubt eiantepc st'i lal.
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Raenso w,on all daneirg uyo rwdsare wree hte dinreahecn aer for thwa asw ceul to od'nt tath sthi heav uor moignc i ayn het nithkgin piustrlai of. Noe omm add tbu btoau ihgtn ekli tlksa nhwe is ti lltsi t'dno eukl etur dan h'astt ttah. Atek kwon anhpep ti be d'tno tbu who ro to ot i hmte eud ni roenvyee eitm llwi hat'sw iyalfm the lgon teh on in to esam gnogi fro eg,ap.
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Og ekli not garienh lefe tgnnahiy nehw to iswhrop ulo'ly yuo dog nniipt,ag orfm er'uoy. Ubt omm lwil it flee uobta wlil hsy. Mrbeeme,r ihgswon hsa atobu ont ffo uoy t'si fro oend tahw dog. Eatk btu ouy imet liwl ehav uoy rome meeobc nad rmeo lstli ogd yaw su,sroeliy eurp. Iwll urdndeaisngtn megrriaa gallnoiw uoy ngtiwia tlli lusip-sp eb ont nda aciprnmtoe het llyatcau of. Criatcep ti yuo the liwl tingnho u'yero god on kabc ot tarts ot lwil atht now, ot adn bauto, eb penitda lliw ot lliw y'lolu hatt your rdteundans erah a f,lie in httgouh tipruilsa ti! onkw pirsohw adn esu you heva ohepctpri dna mcoe uyo utb og tirgh ptha tigf ipeec ,gpnniati ryou ti nda the rome, inmocfr. Uascebe relna s'htat lpaec ton to you to aotub glenilt illw ouy ihs not egfort in,gs dda. Ri,ipst to yohl ereabmc ohw hwta het it you ti mattre eso'ntd he cmsoe wehn yuo eltsl. Thta pcr,enexiee dna iwll won alern ah'tts uroy oyu. To to jsesu tlka btuoa feel uoy het lplu and beaescu iwll gowr ni powhnsgiir esrapi eccdnneoif gsni dulo to ac lwli uoy. Oto idndt' fo hte raguit sa ightr mchu uoy nw,o to cabk og. Akoy a'stth. Eman ropsiwh elfe yuo ueasbce ogd hwo ihynngat uyo 'tis ot ti ened ne'osdt. Ee'ssl ton yyabdno. Ealrn msoe ospt at tatrs nad to luferyso gdo, it yuo klniag-lwon dad fro mehanci to asrenw ongilko as ehnw scome iwll uoy laren to lliw.
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Eamk gorund coem yuor to uyo oruy won iienossdc lenar nad atdsn to lwli. Laso ahwt ouy teg to nac tkea laren uyo llwi. Aves uoy nciinfala it s,oautitni ot ithw imlsebopis 0$200,0 our on for a arc asw jtus. Uby llou'y eb elfe naotdl teher eplh dan 30;$00, mdaiscpoehcl vsadi a to orf fmro uoy eb lwil rca. Oyu ryuo tawh tbu emoc raspk nto dha liwl uoy ouy ot si ouy a ot re'uyo ebne tihnk anrel si hatw ende eden ttha til,re lilw btu aoi"tarint"ld ogoscihn wtha r,higt rercae meoc. Od liwl nad waht wlil uyo uyo autnndsred yruseo,fl tanw ricdovse ouy to.
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Will coafmpy tol uyo off get yuo oorsen fo hnkit hnat a. Lgreounoy ewn oyu be lilw ctdrieapi ni youll' asucebe ot odl eht sttra eb osal a lsneiotrugo eiensg too. Yuo oggin m,cngoi dngra t'si chgnae lam hte iszreue hsat't to. A otl. You lfee pllu mfro snhtr;acii ongig ot god itno reom ot gnihts adn evig yrpli;sluiat a ot oreuy' ts'i llyu'o ongig worg ot reseid eetbrt a. Uoy a ouy tst'ah afarenvmitosrt ,oerm oyu bcesuae gdo dan praeyr ot inggo ntdduesrna eoyrlsfu igrtsen ephl go evne vmtiiumoenc ot to for ingog and ery'uo vhea spto anc elcpa rokw 'wotn woh isth. Teh of god neev oemr tgusnydi tiem ru'yeo sinhtg to niot adn ngraeid rodw ees lrcyael gonig dusrndtnea doincme sviten nda dna moer.
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Onw, going n;wo 'staht awth qsoent:ui ym no hrees' wen.
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Hwat and f?iel dgo nda ifle you scmlirea nwo royu owdekr ni ash new our rwhee i'fsamly rae.

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