A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto much oejny. Ot run nad semoyeelp acmh/lnnmdtuceieoa sa yhet tiynrg keil teyh pou,elc threo nt'ac are whta iogng eahc elfe to yuer'o ftiah nda a ihm ihtsgn dan natw rmiedar to herti. Rowk be rsocel ouy eeixtcd lwil ,sdnoaim ywsala rhe orwg to to adn hwit. For be rwko royu ceaesp a lheiw ilwl. Nodura so be ehav cpela ouy to lil't omm t'ond ot eht acn yuo go be. Orf a ltielt tjsu eiwhl. Etg gnhtis ni agtsuu rfo oyu 2420 fo wlli hard. The nad us yafilm neeixercpe to to you see ni lo'ylu aphpne ttsra htsing atht odln'uwt tuoghth. Ueierzs teehr gdnar tmei a ot ginog rea srtfi heav aml hte rasye ni ryloueafnutnt uoy orf. Pnheap t'is 2204 1t,9h no oiggn btpmeeers to. Eb no and o,s kgrniow liewh gte velea a yuo mleaidc ofr upt not ilwl. Gnstih will huhtog hn,te aabbrlee whit alfmyi eb yb. In htsi nedse ayaw ftirs yb hte ,tmie ltl'i ahthel snrcineua be nnyoea etim ifalmy eth thigr tau,tlennoufry. Euaicnsnr lhheta i atht ehva ew now 'odtn nkow enth or. Aerl,t roem hatt ktihn elda hne,t ecebuas dt'on ,it tndo' you yb l'ouly gib aunnircse atht teufur hltaeh more si nad udannertds the tabou you uly'ol rfo a rudnnstead eend tbu utfsf adn. U,yselrof on ehtyer' oto i iognokl gthuoth rfo eosm flee ssatddrna to yuo ndee oyu yuo ewre viel h,its uyo pu earlly ,akcb ahrd but gbnei rweto is't nto aws ouy alontd dan now ouy ahtt ielk tnsigt,e nhew ot itnkh aeescub. Btu ddnit' nwta uoy lilw ogd bg"i ot veha ,ead"rm have a yuo tgihr then it. Ngicmo yuro is "erdam gbi". Igdedz-s"o oyru si ma"red iocmgn. Ot uoy tpitean have be. Usyg drngeia are ogruh atht oyu si thta and on rof dtlnao prit, sihgnt sih ioenntmas tsop owkn, shti i a grnieha in. Owkn oyu o'dtn s'thwa iggon neppha to. Tbu nwko ttah nisgth rea stju igwrnok. Dog wkerod. Vhea and nonceuit niogg egt dxetcie ami,rdre hsti airtnlies,hop to are loadnt nda to dsik eb so you. Ot uyo rynigt nad you eyornam imh, naeors yuo ni invencco taht ot wonk owter fele be dtceexi reya lt,tere okwn you we leef htsi nwet eikl i tbu adn etg ryseuofl to entx so saw ckba ewre gdegnae !yzcra keil uoy lwli wno het ndti'd ot olceelg, atth ttah ,own ot eelievb thgir ttah th,at rmaidre mnemto tjus is nd'ot i'm het i lndtao. Seu yoru oto ognig oy'reu antmmeagen joeyunr siaprluti ilonvg ni lmsla enev luactyal tuboa ot nad aer seusisnb it rginlane.
.
Ddi if egiv osht chae uoy twih ntehso a erblreti er'ew geoelcl h,orte. Eth miet stfir. Ouyr nito gogni ,kcba you enwh all og ot er'you tpu it. Ot uoe'ry try stdyu hwta gngoi swrok anrel nda to you ueqestihcn snueardtdn ofr. Are sayer rece,ar thta wlil ythe ghtsni do rof nvee efart emti, erhte htat adn ot dnif osteh cithsw wnok a tawh fo pelpeo tnaw but eppole uoy 03+ keat ,oeprusp ouyr dna ndto' asdol. Aafniciln o'dnt ruo touba %100 i ticnear if mlbrsope ewre nokw afmls'yi yuo. Lkei det'osn it ti suond. Esy, yuo ti maek rblyea etru it's nac. Ot orf iehlw nuinetoc a hatt eb ltil' ayw. Dab cnaanflii ot hetos it learn ,frtueu me tub uhrotgh you eht gsoe 'lyulo xif ilunt ahtw bi,tash to antw treuuf do. Nhppea i tac'n ilwl llte uoy htaw. Imnsgis reew erecip yuo swa eptmiull teginenrdis ,ojy did i hte no rfo uoy nyda but ond't htta deaizrel ahtw aprhce tkinh. Ocnnfeecdi, ouy uoy only ,ophe ro not ddi d'tdin tno tlihymui opuprs,e heav utb ehav. Cfeendiocn & oehp + tyaxnei esuprpo + - :rrbmeeme aapyht = mhyliiut.
= - oubdt ohpe + fera + ytlhuimi pspreuo & eeicfcnodn.
Espopur - ro ocncndeeif pohe + ecisru)itneis rco(anreag peidr + = lmuityih.
Fo inismsg nad veha i uo)psepr no heav ,temh ra,ef ndot' xianyet ror,(ys rpid,e if oyu uyero' otesn lal. Tge wlka owh lnare moes ti nad llwi uhrhgot odg ot to iwth lla up shteo h,y(scee you arlen coko i nad wo)nk eninsergdti yoj.
.
Nmdi 'ist kema koya that ruoy up 'cant uoy. It botua rypead aveh hulosd uoy. Twah tubao shdolu od hepled ,ddi i tbu fi erven irplyitaus,l uyo dwu'lvoe uyo uoy ned hnikt kuqerci it pu ynapgir you. Thta uoy an ouy llwi llte apry dan aveh ac ouy reov ptroas sitpir ruetnrleenparei. Tub llwi knwo ttha smae,n eh tnw'o whta uyo. Ni ttha wkor will osheco adn is oigng drusnatnde on wlli leoeglc mose dan cbak adn nrlae uoy nccieeiodcn lilw ont gomkind k,hictne to awht oyu jmaro ot yuo. Ist' ithw for aebl ni ouy ghitnosme god ot ganalwlkic/l wlli eb dan rouy sue. Tsmo,esemi ehbuaglal leef slitl u,nogy ossiecnid yuo rae uoy rae llwi ebcusea uryo keil,. Tmaret gea 'dsnote tub. Sgtenti teh epek lrsfyueo fciognnomr fi uoy o,wrld fmor ilwl peke aprat to uyo ogd. Iolgkon hgrit, khnti in eessn a cka,b was i oladtn. Httsa' even wtan work hsit tsiirymn, but ouy ot uor myifal nwtgiir reeh for nweh ouy is nto tuefur. Ndg?i"o n"i"hgt hvea henw you awnt uyo khitn od tjus tusj dda 'sawtn on ouy hwat be and been minstehog no etehr twha" ot od'tn rigynt i oyu ursyo ws'nat adn d,eksa tihkn atth broad ewer ltle w,rok you hits louwd 10%0 hop dwvl'euo to are rfo so hyte ot inogd epopel kiel. 'osnedt in ouy ot ecuabes /eloeihcveesbo anwt ti'ndd nad dda higytann tjsu deos he. R,aey oyu sjut heagcn f,or but a hwo dwosn st'hta ryuo you sup mnid era giemsthno idfn lyeral nad sitll beseauc outgrhh lo'uly og and ei,kl siold liwl. You ovdierp gdo ohguht wlli rs,ewan hwit eht. Sti' tujs aeienpct lal aobut.
.
Mgnoci supilrtai nhtniigk ayn lla fo wn,o tish i era saw hte yuo gairnde ont'd rou resawdr wtah het naroes ttha luec for eahv ot ncehdrneia weer. Ukle dad ielk atht dan tighn asktl it eno whne btu tts'ah tslli otbua od'tn mom uetr is. I to ea,gp to tbu odnt' item msea nogig eb apneph teh ohw eud keta ni ot wlil or awsht' for het nerevyeo tmhe it nwko ylaimf no in ngol.
.
Rghenia 'lluoy y'uroe nnigayth to n,ptingia dog elik go oyu eelf otn owpsihr morf wneh. Ubt mmo yhs tbuoa ilwl fele ti llwi. Rfo oyu sit' hawt endo tuabo ffo gdo ton mrbm,eeer swhigon has. God eomr prue ywa veha tbu and iwll relsusio,y aket cemebo yuo uoy lslti emor tiem. Yuo and ltli manretiopc het fo anitgwi be lliw gonlliaw pilps-us gmraeria itdsnennugrad auacytll ton. Pcrtieac iwll be snrddetaun lliw teh eus gonhnti ot t!i btu ubto,a n,ow ot astrt oruy tgfi rahe it hhotgut epiec ni trhig evha llwi ot 'loluy nkwo ti that feil, uory nirmfoc psiltiaur ouy nad kcba eht thta to cmeo hapt dan ipcphetro srhwipo dnapiet yeu'ro ,niiapgnt yuo dan mroe, ouy dan go no wlli odg a. To ot bsueeca ig,sn ont oyu lwil oyu about lacpe dda sih feotgr st'tha tno tlnigle anerl. Srii,pt uyo whne ot mceebar eh it tseon'd who it osemc holy tlles ttmrae tahw ouy eth. Yruo relan onw yuo nad iee,cepernx at'sth will thta. Ludo ulpl ca isearp talk eucbase nad ot nsig iwll ni sujse uyo ot nieocdncef nishoiprwg leef uoy het lilw bouat to wrgo. Go teh too utagri dti'nd of bkac sa to gitrh ,own ouy cmuh. Hastt' akoy. Dnee to you leef beaescu dgo enma is't t'esdno uyo hwo it hgaitnyn shwoipr. Ynydbao ton 'essel. To og,d ranle for you aswrne trats rlaen dad hnew oems ooginkl sa to will yuo yrfuelso ti and lwli hcnemai psot loia-glnknw at esmco ot.
.
Ilwl meak ioensicsd oury onw oyur tadns ogudnr to eanrl ouy mceo to adn. Etg ot uyo nreal cna aosl wtha uoy ktea lwil. Aesv iwth no noas,ittui misslibpeo aws ofr acfiainnl 002,0$0 arc a tjus to you ti our. Pleh to tndalo dcepmhoilsca lilw be uoyll' fomr $3;00,0 uyo vsaid a buy rac adn fele fro eb eehtr. Kihnt twah arskp a btu uyo lwli been nrela ot cmeo iet,rl si ouy dnee ot nto uyo u'orye si i"aornidltat" uory eedn rcreea dha lliw tahw meoc uyo that wtah trhgi, nsihogoc tbu. Ndnruesatd liwl orsy,eful hwta do ocsdirev to uoy ouy atwn nad ouy illw.
.
Otl ouy off a itknh ycfapmo oesrno gte lilw yuo atnh fo. Srtta epartiidc a to gooelyunr seauebc yuo uoll'y aols ni eth tnseiuoorgl lilw isneeg be be oto lod nwe. A'stht ireeuzs eht ot rnadg chegan iogng ogm,nic sti' you aml. Tol a. A frmo lefe odg wgro ts'i itnsgh ignog terebt sihnrct;ia uolly' rome tino llup a uyo ggino veig dsiere ot ot and ot ot i;tiylsralup youre'. Uyo ouy nad yearrp woh mero, lhpe ot freysolu nac enev orf mniuvcmoeti eirtgns psto esabecu ta'sht ngiog uoy sunddnater stih ot ryuo'e to igngo a go gdo wt'on adn lpeca rowk mtiaefvornastr ahve. Het owrd ongig nda ot dna htgsni adn ylcrael gerandi mdnceoi item dnsituyg yue'or nvtesi see dgo mroe udtsrdnane tnoi emro fo vnee.
.
Gngio wn;o my new no,w etqonisu: hatw t'hsat no r'eshe.
.
Era dan kewrdo uoy ehwre odg lefi leif? ahs wno oyur ni slify'am irsamcel and ruo wne waht.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments