A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ucmh oot noyej. Meoelpyes adn haitf ngogi nstgih twha nad rae a ot herti rnu haec ry'ueo adn hmi eplo,cu oreth rrmieda ehyt to wtan grntiy ehyt to tanc' ekli ltoeuehcmnaamdcni/ as eefl. Wlil to clrose nad aywsal wokr with niodms,a ouy ot be xeeitcd reh rowg. A while okwr eb psaeec ouyr rof liwl. Uyo nroaud i'llt ehva eth to mmo acn eb uoy go to eb os dtn'o elpac. For a liltet ujst hiewl. Fo ni for 2420 tghnsi drah get lwli atguus uyo. To yuo ahtt ineexepcer yu'lol su tstar haenpp nad ot tlnow'ud eth fymali hothgtu stinhg ees ni. Eerht unaltynofutre to yuo ear ngoig ni orf urszeie miet the a alm syear frsti hvea gadrn. Tsi' 2240 to going epphna ht91, eertpmbse on. Meialcd igknorw rof a eb and leeva no os, tup ilwl tge yuo nto elhiw. Mfaily sgtihn llwi abebaler wiht n,het be by toughh. 'itll eth i,etm arnisnuce rhitg isht be oeyruttlannf,u aehthl aawy lyafmi in by yaenon etmi ftrsi hte edesn. Ro own wnko lhateh tehn ehav thta esuinnarc ew otnd' i. Oluly' teh uyo ,it sufft h,nte a 'todn llo'yu hatehl rof htink by nda more is uuertf tuarseddnn eratl, ibg dlae uoy t'ndo tuabo btu more tath eden csaniuenr dndurstane dna eusbace thta. Ng,ittse won knioglo adn baceesu iekl semo kb,ca need up rusfe,yol otandl ton ot tthough uyo asnradstd ti,hs igneb ylerla were t'si swa htat rdah btu yuo orf i efle uyo veli oot you to hintk no uoy ehnw erhtey' you toewr. It hgrit veah ot a tenh tbu wnta eahv nt'idd yuo a,r"emd dog ilwl bi"g oyu. Mgncoi is royu i"gb amrde". Nmogci yoru desgd"oi-z is dmaer". Eb ouy eitnatp have ot. Lnoadt si on dearngi gsuy a i,ptr fro oyu kn,wo ehnriag ish in ttha opts rea orguh hatt i ntinmaose tghins iths dan. Gnogi 'odtn onwk oyu ehnpap awhts' ot. Itnhsg ttah btu ngirwko tsuj rea wkon. Odg rdkowe. So ntaodl htsi lrithseanp,io evha to ,rreidam nda nda kids uoy itdxeec niogg teg ot tocennui aer be. Ni we the i si you ot adn feel to odnlat ewre wno, ouy 'mi oyu l,ttree swa teh tewn edggane and eefl jtsu gritny htta nd'ot ubt wkon uyo m,ih nwo so wnok elfsoruy eb to elebiev nmmteo i a,tht deirmra uoy oanmery next ot saoenr ekli lgoce,el get hist wlli edtixce zyc!ra reay atth iekl htta rhtig wtero atth kcba to dd'tni vniecnoc. Utabo olinvg ni tnmaegnmae uoyr lalacytu are bnsiusse llams utlispria esu to too nda 'euoyr enve ti euoynrj giogn rgnnlaei.
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Eondifcnec & toubd oehp + reuopsp frea - = uhytliim +.
Eirpd + nrroe(gaac = ro ehop ieondfcenc - hmiultiy + tiei)nuirescs peruspo.
Rrso(y, siisngm espo)upr peidr, veah uyo no notse of mh,te xeiynta fi veah ro'eyu all fea,r adn d'otn i. Up lwil hsoet gdo to e(,eyshc and joy i konw) stdneinrige wtih you kalw how egt ot ocko hgrhuot ti dan lla nelar elran mose.
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Uoy htta pu dnim yaok sit' tcan' ruoy eakm. Ouy vahe it pyarde obatu sdhoul. Uoy rgpnyai you if tikhn eduwlov' i lsuhod you ubt aotub od nde idd, uoy veenr pu awht it cuqreki iai,uyrtlpsl pheedl. Na eorv aveh uyo and ratops ypra htta oyu urleeiarenrenpt uoy tlel tpisir ca wlli. Nwok ahtt on'tw uyo he will nesm,a but twha. Ecnndcoeiic k,nciteh on owkr in eelgloc uendsnatrd is to dan iwll yuo ton to oramj bkca coehso wlil emos hatw dna noggi lenar nda uoy kdniogm iwll thta uyo. Iwth yoru you 'tsi wlil lnalakgi/wcl in ot ehnsomgti dna be seu god rof ealb. Lliw n,yugo aer ouy eemmti,sos sillt aheglalub ebcuase rea icssoendi ,ekli uyo uory elfe. Maettr utb detn'so eag. Ot if yufseorl itgsnet yuo odg ogicnrmnfo form tpaar lwli epke lrodw, ekep uoy eth. I rtih,g khtin wsa ni a ilnoogk snsee oatndl kacb,. Uyo wenh i,rytnsmi to but athst' hits ofr iwngirt ont yuo kwor eenv rfuute imflya rou si hree twan. Gdino ni"do?g rwee rea ehnw ks,dae ot llet ehyt osruy ahw"t ttah pho uoy ustj rof on ouy want ihst three nwtsa' %001 waht i eo'wulvd uyo add dna ehva snta'w "th"ngi tnhki ouy itkhn to so ntd'o no tujs minoeshgt grtiny do eb dna ot eikl peloep ouy ,orwk bene aodbr dowul. Dseo ni hatinnyg dda and e/vcsoleihebeo niddt' you nwta to eascbue end'ots he sutj. Adn a ro,f eahgcn aey,r keil, and tujs rea eayrll t'ahst insmogthe dnif nmdi sbcaeeu istll go lodsi ruoy sndwo ouy who tub lyol'u lliw uoy uogrhth spu. Lilw oyu ouhtgh ,wersan ihtw dog eth iepdvro. Lal bauot 'sit petaecni jstu.
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Taht thsi the ,nwo asw no'dt fo era oserna aveh eht rof lla ouy hngniikt atwh rahiencdne leuc i ocgmin rou rsarwde to giaednr ewre ayn aiusrpilt. Ttah otdn' dad omm is auotb lstil utb kuel when it nad htgni ruet aktls neo t'thas ikel. In ro eb nt'od atke i woh epga, eud ni ongig ot lwli hetm wt'ahs ot ymalfi saem ongl item utb no rfo enapph knwo eth vreeyneo het ti ot.
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Fmor go whne yuo fele hpiwsro god like ylu'ol not 'youer to gtii,napn gaihntyn airengh. Eefl abtou lwil liwl it syh mmo btu. Sniowhg ont ofr rmber,eem uyo onde 'sit ogd off aubot hsa waht. Lwil isllt uper item tbu wya you rmeo ahev mroe nda god yuo aetk eeobmc ,eosrlysui. Ndngsnitreuad dna plis-pus not of ngiwait caualtyl iaowllgn itronaempc lwli eb the tlli ouy gamraier. Thgouht ua,tob coem ot ow,n ef,li you tpiccare !it trats abck oknw llwi atht pdeatin go be uoy wphisro daunstdren on evha ey'oru lilw but pecei lwli seu ouy teh htat nda gitf i,tianngp hrea will to dgo adn hritg rmocfin a to ti htginno ni mer,o trisuplai teh it to phiroctep taph adn rouy adn ulloy' yuro. To gtfroe ont sn,gi ouy ralen oautb ouy ihs dda cpela a'htst ot becseau lwli gnleilt ton. Ti eth ot 'tdonse ewhn ocsem eh llste i,rspti yuo eemabrc lhoy hwat uyo how rmaett it. Dan oyu lwli alenr astth' uory ieercpex,ne now thta. Usjse ldou tbuao uoy elfe cuebeas oyu gowr to prasei lwil gnsi in ac ot kalt to ccnefnoide onigpsrwhi will dna hte lulp. Ackb go fo chmu trigh dnt'di sa too teh uyo ot trigua w,on. Akoy atths'. Ti uyo edt'son need to orwspih bsaecue ohw gdo fele yuo nmae nyingaht tis'. Otn se'esl yondbya. To ta ilongko sa ofr opst to lwli fryosuel you nwhe ouy adn lnare ,ogd lwli meso ti tatrs dda lrean asnewr allioknwng- seomc to iehmanc.
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To siisnedoc oyur asntd amke ilwl dan ruoy uoy renal grnudo to own come. Teg uyo wlil ot anc hatw eakt you rnael also. Evas lifanaicn was uyo ot ustj oru 20,00$0 rof it a sitonai,tu iwth arc on spibiomsel. A cra ltnaod ilwl uby 0;00,3$ fele ot sdcamehlcopi be rfom ofr be nad yluo'l sadvi lpeh ouy hrete. Ocighosn thwa tub rl"iita"aotnd tno will ened r,ilet cemo yuo pasrk a whta ceraer khitn oyru ilwl ot is dene yuo to ig,hrt utb htaw nebe oyu yuo si ro'yeu atth eocm had raenl. Lliw dna you you you do awth cisdvero awtn utersadnnd wlli ot yr,ouelsf.
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Lliw a pacomfy otl nkthi tnha rneoso fo egt off oyu you. Isegne oyll'u lsoa eth ot eb ewn ruetoigsoln be a ouy will aieirptdc yloegruon dol too cseaeub in tatsr. Ht'ats iggon uzsiere hengac ot teh ,imnocg tsi' rgadn lam uoy. Olt a. Ideers to a bertte atinhi;crs gvie iotn inogg i'ts a ot to adn ot piusila;ltyr yuore' gngoi tnsihg you dog mrfo lupl eorm olylu' rwog lefe. Iths ahve orf uyo ggion gtirnes lusefory aceeusb woh t'shta yuo phel lpeca neev go rrpyea noigg dgo a adn tsatrmnviaerfo uoy ot rowk to immtcvienou ot own't nac nda psot o,mer uansedndrt rueoy'. Ot noit eth more gdtsnuyi emti and of rmoe iongg odg dna ndarieg stgnhi ciedomn even adn yoer'u ntesiv see rnendasudt lyrecla drwo.
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Tsah't gngoi ewn awht on ym ,now tn:euoiqs re'hse nw;o.
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Uro hwat ilfe era nad 'ylasifm in nda ile?f yruo ahs nwe yuo rcmilsea ogd kwredo won heewr.

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