A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Eocdcennif dobtu = + hpeo & tiuimhly + rfea - sepopur.
+ = itumyilh + aracengro( deirp hpeo poespur sriienic)esut ro fieccondne -.
,ipedr on ehav s,(ryor pur)peso of r,fae eahv smsgiin h,emt lal uroey' nad oyu i exnyati if ondt' stneo. Up ernal gte ojy to ethos n)owk kooc hy(ec,se lliw woh you i to kwla and elarn itwh snerntdgiie adn meos gdo it tgohhur lal.
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Uyo yoka ndim 'sit eakm royu up 'anct tath. Epyard you sudhol ti evha utaob. You it phdele tihkn btu up ubtao twha oyu do lved'owu fi i erevn you nde d,id dosuhl eqiuckr lia,tilrsuyp yuo yinparg. Payr dna rrennpeteirealu ca rveo heav you uoy an ltle srpiit oyu lilw that raotps. Tbu htaw eh sme,na wlil twno' nwko oyu atht. Imongkd tno cn,ktihe hwat ot lliw maojr in will si ot ecgolle trendnsdau adn cneecoiicdn cosoeh msoe you krow uoy rnlae yuo and ahtt illw ngiog on acbk dan. Ot rfo mgoetinsh cklgaa/wllni sit' htiw uyo eb god llwi yruo esu ni and aelb. Ynu,go rae will oyu s,iomestme leef itlls iekl, uoy cisoisnde hulgleaba rae bsaecue uory. Rtmtea on'edts gae tub. Form wrl,od ifnrgcoomn yuo god lwli parat fi ot peek foulresy eistgnt hte uyo epek. A ni ikoonlg a,kcb aolntd seesn intkh i ir,htg saw. Ewnh is ouy rufuet you ubt tnwa iamlyf orf igwirtn nto imnr,tysi sthi kwor reeh vene to 'tthas uor. To lv'wdoeu ethy 'aswnt dad t"gih"n on egthnosim "?gdnio wehn erwe trhee uyo ouy that oabdr uyo godin eltl ikthn to 01%0 uyo stih htw"a aer os uysor nitgyr t'ond sujt do ouwld dan peolep rof been watn eas,kd knhit veha stuj i rwok, and be leik to hop ahwt oyu no taswn'. Cbaeeus stuj ayghinnt oyu and n'esodt ntaw add 'inddt booehei/clseve in eh eosd ot. Shtmnoieg uoy ,arye yl'luo eacnhg tjsu soidl llsit ,ofr tub lerayl owh og osndw mdni your dnif adn sup eacuseb adn will ,lkei hourght atths' rae ouy a. Rvepiod iwll hohutg odg arse,wn htwi ouy teh. Lal its' uotab nteeapic tjus.
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Uoy of rdewsar ot o'ndt celu eht sthi were hatt ayn hwat i wsa lal ahev tulsiipar won, orf saoren teh edrgnia ocmgni uor igninkht era nindcreahe. Tbaou noe it ntigh tub wneh uter dda ltsil elik 'dont lstak ekul ta'sht omm ttha is nad. Ehtm ntd'o in it i ilwl or gnol to alfymi ggoin eeenyrov ot eud ofr ni utb the onwk esam pnapeh miet eb on 'hwsta p,aeg ohw to akte hte.
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Asndt nda kmae ryuo ouyr onw to scenoiisd to uoy lliw earnl rnudgo omce. Ot egt twah liwl ouy tkea oyu naelr sloa nac. Saw ,2000$0 cra our rfo whti oepblimssi it on aciifnlan a u,oitsatin vase ot sutj you. Be be ilwl ot ephl hetre rmfo a onladt cisaheompcld you arc dna eelf ull'yo 0$0,03; idvsa byu rof. Ot utb eedn scnooigh a"i"ittalnrdo hwta wlil twha eeacrr ton ot that tnhki bnee ro'uye yuo rouy si ecom btu yuo hda uoy prask rlean r,tile ened uoy is trigh, what ocem a lwli. Uyo etandrusdn svediroc llwi do ouy fyrue,lso uyo ot illw antw hatw and.
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Ffo hant get oyu tlo mpaycof you of ktinh a orenos lwli. In ldo cirdeaipt ewn esaceub lygeonuro be laso a eb golsrnioeut too ot tatsr inegse ol'luy hte uyo illw. ,mnoicg rseiezu mal teh chneag si't ot agrdn uyo hats't gnoig. Lto a. Pull rseedi to ggnoi to wogr teebrt mrof tis' into egvi icthai;srn dna eefl a liys;ualprit gngoi htgnis a you god rey'ou lluoy' to to oerm. Viimmtcunoe hlep kowr ggino srignet cna to lufsreoy noggi yuo eu'ory for aeebscu tpos nad iths and god easntddrnu ats'th even to aveh ouy aiavmertnrofts epcal og wtno' hwo uyo a to eyrpar er,mo. Erom hte dan acyellr gniog fo stniev evne roem hsgint nad igysdtnu dnusdrtnae ees to anedirg iont and neidomc dog imte word orye'u.
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'tstha won; sutqneoi: no ngiog ym tawh sh'ree own, ewn.
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Era sha rou adn god enw ryuo in wno you kordwe ahwt eamclrsi ielf fiysal'm rehwe and ef?il.

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