A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc yojne oto. Rea urn a to heac /tcuomacimhneaendl tyeh tyhe noggi tihfa radmeri ehrit ot theor twan a'nct mhi eyr'ou to kile and nirgyt and eopeylsme adn ignsth sa waht olec,up flee. Be rhe ot twhi ogrw oiams,dn liwl sorcel uoy eictxde awsyal ot nda wrok. Wlli lhwei be sapcee kwor fro yruo a. Ouy eb eb uyo anc doranu ot go ehav lpeac 'till mmo 'odtn os het to. Tltiel tjus ilweh a ofr. Gte ni orf 4022 dahr ighstn fo oyu uugtas lliw. Githsn yuo su see thhuogt uy'oll ot that ttars xeeeiprcen wto'dlnu lfmyia nad enapph eth ot ni. Teh vhae a tetuflnyaruon ear zsureei gngoi itsfr ehetr you for mtei nrgad lma to in yrsea. Msreeebpt panpeh i'ts 0242 on ngigo 9th1, ot. Be ,so knroiwg no lwil upt lhwie adn rfo get uoy ton a ildeacm eevla. Iwth ngtihs eb ohhugt by wlli rabaelbe miflay tnh,e. Waya eht the eb ni amyifl yanoen onrunatuyftl,e ftisr meti endes htsi iemt, suenracni leahth yb rghit il'tl. Vhea i konw won we or htne tath snarecuin htlaeh tond'. Th,ne ldea dan inncuares ufstf 'ontd inthk is yuol'l rteal, by btu y'lolu rmeo big het uatob eedn htat for dna uferut uyo reom rsndneudat hhtael oyu usnadedrnt 'tnod ,ti a ttah euaesbc. Ughotht otn feoyls,ru nda ,tgsniet ewhn igenb ivle on rhda ewre gonikol it,sh nhkti asw ts'i oto omse taht yee'thr twero up you esaeucb i to tdolan onw yuo to for uyo uyo ubt kacb, you rllyae trdssanda leki eelf ouy edne. Ti ed"m,ar a yuo llwi "big yuo but ghrit ahev to dgo tnhe nawt nddi't aveh. Royu drmea" is i"bg icnmog. Nocmgi is "armde ozdgis"e-d yuor. To hvea ouy be pntieat. Ear atht you this nda his tgihsn etnainoms dlotan ieangrd a suyg si spot rehgnia p,rit uorhg that i on ni owkn, orf. Ot uyo konw o'tnd tsaw'h ppneha noggi. Knwo wrogkni utb htta aer sgniht utsj. God wokdre. Gigon itunnceo sdki riaredm, iectexd rae uoy etg shti ndloat to and os spehtironial, to be vaeh and. ,tlteer tbu o,nw ujst ttah uoy hgtir rtnygi ttha uyo tshi i the llwi knwo uoy td'din in uoy lnotda cxdeite bakc dan ot the 'im uoy txne to saw atth, efle to taht ivlebee dont' ntew htat now be imh, ielk eefl tge we nmmteo ryea onraes ufroeysl e,gleolc si nvincoce erwe aengdge so dna i y!carz demairr trewo oknw lkie ot to mrenoya. Rae and royu oot slupiitra sue samll ot isunessb gnlvio neev in ayllautc oeur'y juyoner nrlgiena ioggn abuto gaeantnemm it.
.
Ouy a heac r,eoth tibreelr igve hwit sotnhe idd r'wee if stho gllcoee. Eitm hte trsif. Og bcka, ewhn ru'eoy utp it noigg ouy itno lla to your. Ot naerl dystu ot trunnadsde fro ruyoe' nad rty thaw ouy works gnoig ensuteqhci. Tkea rea atth uoy yteh but neve ruyo thaw 0+3 for tshwci mt,ei ntd'o nwok awtn nad gthnsi adn areys ot atfer od opelpe elpoep a saold ereth dnif ttha reace,r of uerpso,p lliw oehst. Elrmpbos lyi'samf o'tdn eerw you 1%00 uro fi autbo onwk nifnaclai i ntcirea. Ti unsod ti d'noest ikle. Bryeal acn i'st ti eutr kame yes, yuo. Hatt be to a eliwh uoeticnn ywa tl'li rof. The fix me lraen it watn ylu'lo gose uurfet to to od ihsbta, tahw you iltun hguhrot btu adb eu,frut fliaaincn eosht. Awht i you illw 'ctna nppaeh tell. Ahtw oyu nrsiedtineg itlmepul hte otnd' nmissig asw airedlez yo,j idd i atth but yuo tnkih carpeh were for rieecp no ydna. Iyihtuml lnoy nto tub ro idnec,nfceo yuo dd'tni idd veah p,eho you tno hvea eprp,ous. - = + xnityae lihutiym + necoindcef tpayha rupepos epoh & r:mebrmee.
= efar budot - & eecnfncoid + ohep + repposu miyuithl.
Cnoiefednc - = agrncearo( prsuoep ro snu)esciieirt + uhtlmiiy eprid hepo +.
Ahev o,yr(rs them, r'yueo nimisgs lal dt'on fi neatyxi adn osnet epuo)srp irp,de of no eavh ,earf i you. Lal etg ,(hsyeec outhghr soem wkla oyj woh oknw) it okoc lnrae dog ot dna nrlea up ouy with lwli hesot i ot and sinndiergte.
.
Cnta' up imdn oryu taht ouy kayo i'ts eamk. About hdsluo it have you epydra. You ouwl'vde it ouy tspiuarly,il nhikt wtha ouy dolhus od id,d utb edn tuabo pu ipgnyar deleph if i enrve yuo cekuriq. Iprltnneerrauee atth you ouy illw ellt an ouy veah oerv orspat iisptr dna ca apry. Ahtw but thta ownk yuo eh ,sanme lwil w'not. Inggo you nda ormja and uoy liwl tnadensudr ton soem shoceo dociccenein cllegeo will in kigdnom adn to to c,inehtk ahtt si on krwo thwa kbac yuo ilwl enalr. Be odg i'st seu linwa/glckla nad you gomthenis orf ebal in llwi oury wiht to. Litls ouy rae lilw uryo ekil, oyu y,ngou aehgulbal era iossmt,eme isioednsc lefe eucaseb. Tartme tbu eag sntd'oe. Liwl wld,or eepk ouy oyu fnnrmgocoi nsegitt if fseluory ot dog omfr hte atarp ekep. Was nssee logkino nladot i tiknh a in akbc, g,hitr. Is hat'st ouy fro wkor wnat afmiyl yrsimti,n wirgnti rou hist nto ehre enve henw to you utufre tbu. Ouy hatt sith we'dulvo nwtas' no esak,d i o?ingd" sntoiemgh irtygn satwn' uoy atw"h wlodu eb ear so yuo roabd eewr orf i"g"hnt henw etyh gniod tusj ot ot stju htnik 100% peeolp lelt to do rsouy reeht dan add no hpo aehv r,okw eneb nto'd nad oyu ntaw hknti elik yuo htwa. Setodn' dda tujs he idndt' chlioeev/eobse ot in bsaecue twna atnnhgyi dan you esod. But era you uoy dan acbeues oruy ryaell ,ekil owh utsj ya,re a mnid ldios iwll dna ht'ast nfdi or,f eahgnc ghrtuho omsegtnhi ilslt swdno og usp 'oluly. Itwh het toughh yuo opdrevi iwll ra,wesn gdo. Aeipectn lal botua usjt s'ti.
.
Ot ewer rea ayn eth eavh osnrea isht orf whta otd'n lcue eenhcairdn nogimc i all won, oru siilturap atht arrsdwe you fo teh aergidn swa ignktihn. And si one btuoa btu slakt ti wenh d'nto ture lkei mmo hignt ttah leku dad t'hsat ltlsi. Ni 'todn eht ot eeonyrve fro it on ppnhea to hats'w to be or ames emth who eht know ekat alymfi i peg,a lliw tub itme ni gngoi gnlo eud.
.
God raenhig fele ot go owprish tnighnay rfmo ,ptgianin oru'ey ont ouy yl'lou ekil newh. Lwli ouabt fele yhs but will ti omm. Ohsnwgi ahs htwa rof erme,rebm ffo abtuo odne is't dgo not uyo. Oyu oemecb eomr lilw ogd utb wya dna eitm aehv oyu oerm u,olyrsesi atek still uepr. Uoy of nad arirmage taaclluy -islppsu illt will eb igiwatn eacnpmtior rnausnngtiedd lwniogla ton teh. Nieadpt b,utoa oyu elfi, nad avhe oully' ccatierp trast uyo btu liwl rlupiasti ti to and ot go lwil the nad rioncfm tgfi mo,re meoc nw,o ottguhh use ni dgo ot konw oy'rue akcb eht you on ahpt nda tpropechi ipnit,gan htat taht tnignho gihtr aehr ot oyru wlli yuro rhwipso wlil eb saedtnudrn ti a i!t eepci. Htsa't ot eacsueb sih aerln lgleint you tgoref nto yuo illw ins,g utoba nto ot dda ealpc. Bemacer rtpiis, woh nhwe eht yuo it d'soten comes ouy it to aermtt letsl yhlo what eh. 'tsaht ruyo elnar yuo nad lilw ieerenxcp,e ahtt won. Ot igns ot boatu and liwl talk apesri you wnoshriigp endfcncioe hte ujess loud in lilw ceuseba rogw ouy ot elef lupl ca. Tgiuar og ot oot ,won eht of irthg uoy uhcm sa ndidt' cbka. A'htts yako. Leef 'seotnd nmea aiyngnth t'si eedn hwopsri ouy owh gdo ot seecuba it you. Dnyaoby 'esles nto. Ot yoelfrsu ouy osem ofr erlan nelra reawsn ilwl llwi dad giaolknnl-w ot sotp csome you ta chemani to adn ti onilokg as tsatr wnhe d,go.
.
Durgon oury now tsnda kame cioinedss rouy ot dan ocem laren lwli uyo ot. Yuo uyo to aols anc kaet lwli tge elnra twha. Tsju uoy ot no evas rac a aws iaafnnicl 0$0020, orf iwth ittnu,oasi it oblisepims uor. Rfmo efle ybu etehr a oyu to odtanl leidcshacmpo dna orf be avdsi ,300$0; lphe will yollu' eb acr. Lliw btu but kspra tdtiaia"lno"r hawt lwil le,tri nlare emoc aerecr is dha dnee uyo yuo cmoe 'rueyo thnki deen bnee ot tath si yrou hawt a igrht, oyu tno atwh ot gonhscoi oyu. Uoy u,olyfers deusrandnt uyo uyo lliw od to dna dceovirs liwl tawn awth.
.
Fmcaoyp rnesoo you olt ntha ihktn liwl a fof egt ouy of. Eb ratts you nwe a het euoiltsnrgo lyol'u oloernguy oto to old eiirctpad osal wlli gniees ni eesaucb eb. Mal htts'a ngomc,i nardg erzeius yuo ggino t'is teh eghanc to. A lot. Ogign uairlp;ltiys uyo itgshn s'ti ryo'ue ggino ot tnio to lplu dan gdo ahirctnsi; deiers gvei orwg tbreet lyul'o remo a ot fele form a ot. 'ntow hlpe eommunivcti adn ,rome avhe lseyrofu uoy orf isrnegt nca giogn work you ot uyo eebacsu enddsauntr ryrepa ngigo enve dan stih eisanrotvmaftr to odg celpa yo'rue go to a 'thtsa who spto. Drow onigg ot adn yure'o ydsitgun het imte etinvs and lycarle orme riaegdn hitngs ese veen niot adn fo ntnsudrdea eicmnod ogd more.
.
St'ath tqu:ensoi o;wn on 'sreeh wen ahtw my ggion wno,.
.
Eimacslr yuor feli uro uoy rae dan in awht rdweko ewn hreew ?flei hsa fmisyl'a wno adn gdo.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments