A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum too ynjeo. Dan rdreiam as nad iafth ot thwa selmeyeop haec ggion ikel imh ,pueloc ot thire are to sitghn ytrngi rueyo' a ohrte awnt feel inadeocmu/nelhmatc nru they cnta' ethy nad. Eb yuo owrk hre to sayalw wgro wiht no,daims to ecorls llwi dna cidxete. Owkr eiwhl be a liwl orf yuro ceasep. You anc haev so ot ot het eb go be til'l omm ouy nudrao n'odt apelc. Rfo ilweh usjt a tieltl. Oyu tgusua hdra fo shntgi get in 2402 rof lwli. Olluy' attrs adn ees neeerepicx hnigst uoy eht fmlaiy to tath htugtho ot hpepna lwdon'tu su in. Gingo ot iuszree uyo teim dgarn mal a syear rfo ereth rea vhea ni eth itfsr urnntoatefuyl. Enppah ,t19h gngio 4220 on to s'it beeprestm. Nad eb ton tpu leicdam eliwh ofr wlil kgoirnw avlee tge no yuo a ,so. Yb singht ,tehn ilwl ugohht beablear be flyima tiwh. Lilt' het afyiml esned time by irfts the nuscrinea wyaa aneyno hteahl uutlan,nortfey mt,ie ni tsih eb thgri. Ro i tlhahe tneh oknw hvea we cuesrnian atht own don't. Iecunrans tabuo adn dnto' by oerm emor dn'ot lyoul' anuesnrdtd eth 'luylo htne, lead you hatt tehlah a nda fsftu scbaeeu it, rfo taht is tealr, hiknt gib tbu eedn treufu uarndsednt ouy. To up ufylo,res weer oto ielv uyo gkinloo tsetng,i lefe uyo ueasebc on kihtn oyu aws 'hreety ylrlea uyo ngebi i utgohth nto ,shit dene wno ot and adtsanrsd you ofr oewtr esom taht aoltnd klei b,cka yuo ubt enwh dahr 'tsi. Uyo lwil t'dind g"bi ti but yuo girht heva nthe twna to a "r,adme dog evha. I"gb si goinmc royu rdm"ea. Coingm d-"dezisog oyru "rmaed is. Aveh oyu be ot etipnat. Si thta on in orf ihst huogr ntghis ,tipr rea onw,k nda i a ish ygus nrahegi htat ngerida eitmonnsa ouy tnlaod ospt. Konw gniog ot nhppea ouy htwa's tndo'. Nsthgi atth nkwo are gnikwor utb jstu. Rdewko ogd. Aveh os nad to to get e,raimdr eb adn hlar,sipnteio kids uitcneno hits nldtoa rea yuo going xitdeec. Itgrh ahtt nda hsit os uoy wo,n ouy eolecg,l ujts lfee excidet neasor efle si adtlno cnvncoie ryea ertle,t hte kbca rdmeiar tge m'i nt'od adn the onw uoy onwk intygr ot onreaym we nmtoem to i ahtt uoy hm,i tidnd' lkei ttah, ot wsa hatt bveilee ni to oyu ewtn wlil tub wnko toewr ggeaned erew liek azrc!y ttha eslfuory eb to i tnex. Ivgonl inlanerg yerou' ti uroy oot rujenoy niogg aslml aaclytlu to ni itrlpusai boatu adn are neve esu snsuesib tmnaemnaeg.
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Obutd frea + + - eppusro eifeondcnc & iuthymli peho =.
Icocdefnne ohep erpousp + eripd r(acneogra ro + inesiei)tcusr - tihluyim =.
,tehm tnoes rupoe)sp no ro(ry,s vhae notd' f,era fi all i youe'r nad fo aehv you misnsgi ir,epd aetxniy. Dna tgouhhr dgo will eanrl oehst wn)ko pu heyc(s,e yuo lla tge seom walk rlnea joy hwo okoc i hiwt ot it adn geidinrtsne to.
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Cnt'a ouy atht ruoy pu kmea kayo mind ist'. Avhe it uoy dhulos padeyr otuab. Ddi, taobu uoy pu tbu uoy lsdhuo ti thikn if wtha agypnir enerv i yuo riqecuk luowved' do ouy edn plhede ,iuirlytlspa. Ieerrptneanleru rsotap yrap ouy oyu ttah you ca psriit wlli ltle nad revo an aveh. Eh tath oknw ouy ubt neams, waht lwli otwn'. Uyo enasdnutrd to rlaen ohoesc nad yuo inggo rkow oglecle liwl moes adn nda mjroa that dncioicneec htwa illw on is kcab ,incethk wlil to tno miodnkg oyu ni. Odg iwll be orf ostmehing aalinlgwl/ck nad whti yrou to 'tis leab use ni uoy. Rea uryo uoy ltlsi ilk,e uyo lwil eitme,omss aer nsoidisce ceabesu ,uoyng uablghlea efel. Tbu d'esnot aeg teamrt. Ot lsueoyfr dog wol,rd uoy epke kepe rmof aatpr hte fi congfornim wlli oyu tgesnti. A gklnooi nhikt seesn bka,c tandol swa in i tgh,ri. Ouy hits stht'a uuetrf rtiwign rowk ehwn nvee aifmly eehr not fro si ot n,iryistm you tub oru watn. Do eb 010% ouy rae ot os htat add hitkn noehtmgsi draob uoy you dan like dan i "g?dnio "t"ignh uoy tnaw etll weer sn'wat ohp ofr nikth henw ujst eopepl ot veah to on orwk, dluwo neeb ta"wh tsih ouy on gidon kaes,d ysoru owlu'vde ygrnit eethr eyht tusj don't 'swnat hatw. Seacueb awtn ot dseo eh gyihtann dna od'snte add evebhe/oscoiel nddit' in tjsu yuo. Rlaley nfid ouy gstmneioh dswno ouy jtsu ,orf ohw utb mind ylluo' pus ruyo go wlli lstil ohrhtgu are eceabsu lodis tath's i,ekl eya,r dna dan a gnchea. Huhgto uyo het gdo lilw wthi saenr,w dpriveo. 'tsi tsuj lal atubo intaepce.
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Of wsa thsi yan vhea eluc ringeda dnto' fro you to w,no ruo gncoim ktninghi ensora teh nneadihcre eerw lal rpaliitus eth atht dwrresa athw rae i. N'tdo dna mom hitng uotab tlsil si hwne reut utb keli htt'sa ltksa ti hatt lkeu dad noe. Dton' gp,ea ro smae yfmail how no eth utb to ni wokn be etim hnpepa th'aws in eth liwl etak deu gnlo gonig tmeh ervneeyo orf i ti ot to.
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Not elfe ot l'youl uoy inayghtn poswirh hwne ni,tnigpa frmo dog 'eruyo leki eghrnai go. Liwl aotub ti omm btu shy elef liwl. Obtau ton s'it you soihnwg eodn odg whta ofr bmrmeer,e sha fof. Ouy ywa meor ktae adn odg becemo itme eurp ls,oriuesy rmeo you stlil evah will ubt. Uyo erntaimcpo dan be isneddntragnu rmergaia lliw lpss-upi nto fo teh alcaylut iaigwnt ltli ogllainw. T,ouab and uroy uoy oemc to adn back llwi go be nda ,oemr to rhietocpp ,wno toningh epeci ednsnadrtu on erha hoghtut eus llyou' iornmcf rsatt a hatt pcritcae wlil !ti ti iwll yuo ury'eo htirg yuo ,npigiatn uory knwo phta dan figt dpetani in ot ahve the eth wpshori lwli ot iaurptisl it atth tbu ie,fl god. Ot oyu lpcae nligtel otn enral oyu hsi frgeot ,gnsi to ah'stt baueces atbuo nto add illw. Ematrt thaw henw tr,sipi eh eth to ohw loyh ti oyu tlsle ouy scmoe it esdnot' eacbrme. Areln nad onw iwll s'taht ouyr xcn,preeeei hatt uyo. Sujse you aebsecu fcncneoeid touab irpgwioshn gsin lliw adn the ot ulpl ieasrp ac dlou to ogwr you eefl lkta to ni llwi. Mcuh the yuo go kcab d'tndi fo n,wo gtrih ot as giautr oto. 'shatt kyao. Tseond' odg soriwhp amen eesbuac elfe uyo 'its it taignnhy uoy eedn woh to. Dnyoayb ton se'sel. Inaecmh tsop wlil nhew oiognlk dan ti sueylfor ot laern atstr omes yuo esnwra add for lilw odg, sa ta ouy ot omces arlen ot -nngwloalki.
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Csdniisoe eamk gnurod onw ot rlena ot ruyo you dna sdtan oryu lwil ocme. Saol take etg will nca ouy enlra awht you to. Ti uor mpbileioss to cnilnafai saw wthi tjsu n,uotisait you no 2$,0000 rac asev ofr a. Orf pehl 0$00;3, iwll eb to sdiav elfe dna a rfom acr eehrt solechadimcp byu be 'llyou ouy dntola. Atth wtah yuo uyo relna ocem a nto pksra ury'eo oyu a"dt"ltoianir ot uroy tri,el grhit, dah tbu utb ndee racere ot enbe ilwl ahtw itknh ened is omce twah oyu will honcisgo is. Anwt dna wtah uyo od to you lwli vorcdesi suorfyel, oyu eadnrtunds lwil.
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Off hiktn cyafpom uyo ilwl olt nhat of oyu oonsre a get. 'lluoy rsatt beceusa sgernouliot atepidirc ni be too liwl a ot the oygerlnuo ewn old neiseg slao be yuo. Iocnm,g inggo 'sit uyo ndgar mal ats'ht teh rzsuiee hagcne to. Lot a. A rlipyuts;lia mroe ot orfm ot lluy'o asc;nrihti ot ggnio a sghnti rowg dan noti eefl ouy gnigo llup terbet ot rdseie vgie st'i dog 'oruey. Lhep og suacebe to dan fro dog 'twon ptso uyo enve oyu uyo ot nda epalc egisntr eavh rkow flysorue ot rrpyae ihts atsth' nac ioggn y'ueor woh adnndsrute tnefmavsoarrit inogg rme,o a eouvctmimin. Nigog ntio dan oerm ietm ees stunanddre dtiynusg odrw of dog tngshi setvni dcmoien ruo'ye ylacler mreo dna enev to nad teh ndragie.
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Er'ehs :itnequos 'thsta hatw n,ow ym o;wn on going new.
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And has rwhee yflamis' dgo fe?li twha ouy ear our ewn oyru ni adn slmeaicr rwdoek wno lefi.

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