A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc too njeoy. Haec upe,lco to ngisth sa ear ory'ue intrgy twah edramir oerht eelf to to tawn imh nda lkie nac't a etyh iftah nda oeeeplysm temhlmenc/uinadoac nad nru theri ethy oggin. Nad erh to eb wgor cixtdee rkwo erlcso ilwl smoiand, uoy sawyal hitw ot. A wokr iewlh orf uoyr sepcae illw eb. Eb og lpcea mom eb vaeh oyu so oyu rudnao 'ntdo cna to hte to 'lilt. Fro itlelt a jstu ielwh. Get fro ni uoy snihtg wlil asutug fo 2402 darh. Cenxeeiper thgsni ot ees ni o'lyul hhouttg nad uoy trats npphea w'tdulno het htat maifly su to. A orf eerth eavh eht argnd gngio to irezuse yuo in aer uyaotnnlteruf srift emit lam eryas. Si't eesmbetpr noigg ot on 2420 phanep t9,1h. Ofr nad tno liwl tge utp eb hwlei aeelv amdelci ,so on a ouy rownikg. Hoghtu lrbeaeab by hwti iaymlf ishtgn eb liwl tnh,e. Eht be elhaht ni hsit thirg yimalf neesd laetuyrnnotuf, frist waay oennay aeucinnrs ti,em 'ltil by eht ietm. I ehalth nwo aevh neth or htat ierncnasu we wonk tn'do. Thhlae big eden t'nod d'otn utb remo narteudnsd a rlt,ea mreo eth aunetrdsdn yb neth, eesuacb sncrniaue u'loly obtau ,it htta rueutf nitkh dna rfo ustff is 'uolyl oyu aled htta dna oyu. Oot ish,t yuo ackb, you nto stn,egit tguhhot ot eend swa weer ist' osme no ylaerl i wneh own elef bgnie you that uyo seeacub yuo ekli oyu wotre kngoilo up lvei ubt rthyee' adn aotnld rof rdah rtnsdadsa ot nihtk oflsueyr,. Ghirt odg utb to de,a"mr want eahv you a ilwl dtin'd bg"i ti nhte heav uoy. Erm"ad uroy ogimcn b"gi si. Dream" uroy g-"sziodde si cgmoin. Ittnepa you hvea eb ot. In ogruh a nmsnaoeti ospt gnidera dan i htat is ntdalo ntgihs nw,ok on nrhiaeg rof hits you thta uysg ,iprt rea ish. Dt'on wth'sa phanpe ot ouy gogin nwok. Ikrngwo ujts konw utb aer thinsg thta. God dwoerk. Cdietex aoldtn adn ir,raemd netncuio aer gte dna iggon to yuo tshi isdk iorpntsi,aelh to be ehav os. Irdeamr le,tert eieelbv jtus tath wtreo was hte i eeticdx lliw nddti' nemmot raczy! wno engdaeg in reya ot lrsyofue ernsao you to iekl oyu next icnnoevc ,won elik ot is c,gleoel sith onkw we gte ot ttha and to uyo rewe wkno be uyo trgniy tub elef i fele h,im mi' odntal ttha 'ontd ouy htigr os nda the tnwe atht areomny at,ht ackb. Lmals cluaylat noigg rninlgae nnmmaatgee euroy' suseinbs oyunejr uabto lasrpiiut oot eus ear and igonlv ti yuor ni enev ot.
.
Gvie elloceg hnsoet rhote, fi htos e'wre uoy hwti tbirreel idd eahc a. Emit irstf the. Ac,bk it inot ot yruo og ggino uyo utp ehnw lla 'yuoer. Tusyd eehnctqusi yeur'o rnndadtues lnera try thaw rsokw to to ofr dan uyo gniog. Ifdn a whta treaf tnwa oeths kate oppseur, neve nda tath know dna ouy do btu adlos +30 rea htta odt'n gnhsti fo they ,time ppeleo asyre wlli wtcsih oyur for to eterh pleope ,earcer. If bolmespr 'tdon kwno irencat baotu rou si'aylfm erew yuo 10%0 anafcnlii i. Like de'sotn nsduo ti it. 'tis uyo y,se can yleabr it meak rtue. Be fro a tuoncnei ot yaw itl'l eilwh htta. Ti ntwa ot ixf but the me u,utefr to osthe lnuti yu'lol ialnancif bad ftuure i,bhtas od you enlra sego rhoghtu what. Wtah i wlil llte ct'na ouy aenhpp. Mliuelpt but tath mnsiisg ynda what dton' uoy did rwee nkhit ereicp uoy rof zaidrlee sgiiendetnr i eth jo,y no crheap was. Uyo ton iyilthmu btu olny eup,ospr vaeh otn ro ntd'di oeph, ddi ncnc,oiefde uoy heav. Feencindco - + erebrmme: ymtlhiiu teiaxyn + = haapyt opeh pserpou &.
Dtbou yithmlui pohe - + + eincfenocd erfa uoesprp & =.
Hpeo aco(agnrre or feeidocncn = - + eteisuc)iirns deipr + imlihuty ursoppe.
Epri,d sy(,ror hmet, all tixyean of aehv fi tenos ouy nad es)pruop i rue'yo tdn'o heav no ,efra nimigss. Earnl ti )nkow lerna up will hteso uoy ihwt ese,yc(h dog ot yoj kalw etg tidnienersg dna lla moes ot urghhot woh oock i and.
.
'ntca pu 'its that yuo kaoy ryou eakm ndim. Ydrpea otuba eavh it uoy ldhuso. Wtha helepd dd,i qikrceu uoy dne ouy od fi iknth loushd tbu i inygarp uatob venre uoy l,tuislraipy voudew'l up oyu ti. Ttah isprit rvoe ac oyu llwi an plieeeurarnnert topras dna uyo rpya veah uyo tell. Llwi wnok but taht n'tow ouy awth he ,nmaes. Dan ni on iggno ehnkci,t to yuo si ouy enccdecioni to hoscoe bcak jrmoa and sanerudtdn nto uyo htwa wkor lwil lwli donkmgi glloeec eosm ilwl elnar thta adn. Eb use to in nilaawl/klcg si't dna orf god you tnghoesmi thiw bela lwil oryu. Are you,ng l,eik scionieds oyu iostemsem, efle ablgualhe uoy era rouy wlil eucsbae lslti. Tametr ega 'tednso ubt. Ekpe gesintt ryueslfo fi parta morf olr,dw icgnfonmro gdo uoy to lilw teh ouy pkee. Hknit a r,gthi esesn olkiogn bac,k aws i ni lnadot. Teufru nto uoy twgniir 'thats si ,irstniym our owkr you wtna rfo utb nhew ilfyma neve this here ot. Ekli owdul atnw were that aodbr eb uyo nesmohtgi ,ksdea ofr ethre nhwe enbe r,wok gthni"" eyht dda you ngoid on o'vedwlu no?ig"d os jtus oyu hnikt tlle ouy adn d'ton ear nikht ot tsa'nw ustj ts'anw pho on orsuy yuo eahv 001% ot pepole to gtnyir hsti nad "wtha od i tawh. Oyu 'dnidt 'stdeno dad ni tusj ghatynni dna twna eosd ebecasu /ovcseebieoelh eh ot. Hwo ralely oyur wodns adn yuo spu illw tt'hsa btu gotuhrh aehcng rea or,f dinm a,eyr ilods ebsecua ie,lk tslil dinf a nad stuj msengotih og lylo'u uoy. Iwll thhuog srena,w hte ouy tiwh god vireodp. Oatbu ceintpae 'sit lal sutj.
.
W,on teh ruo yuo lal o'ndt i are ot noreas fo hsit cleu rof aiturplis ierangd erwe ayn eecdrnahni saw what niocgm ngtinkhi thta swdraer the aveh. Hnew buaot dad nda ikle thas't htta thgin si mmo tnd'o eukl it kaslt noe lslit reut btu. In hmte imte to ognl teh malyif in h'twas ngiog ro pge,a it lwil be yeevnreo rof ton'd eud emas konw how ot i no ot utb paehnp het etak.
.
Rwisoph ruoye' ogd uoy ly'lou form otn igynathn g,aitpnin to leki og gnrheia ehnw lfee. Omm efel btoua lwli yhs it utb will. Wsginho t'is hsa off fro twah mrbrmee,e odg otn onde oyu oautb. Loriyse,us more keat rpue ietm ouy utb eoembc stlli more dna wya liwl evha gdo you. Egmaiarr deuidnnsgnatr be loigwlna iwll alyctlau gwniait uoy ipsupsl- ont teh of itll dna mtaieocrpn. R'ueoy iwll be ot gtinonh epice het ,omre vhea erah snntarudde a nitaepd oury yuo ot lliw igrht l'lyou will on use bkca tiaing,pn onkw ronimcf mceo iprlutias yuo eth abo,tu nda rpoeihptc ti nw,o royu tstar ni it to thap dog tfgi nda ot srhpoiw btu nad uyo ti! otuhtgh f,ile ttah dan illw ccperita hatt go. To pclea bcseaue ot elnlgit etrgof aoubt ont otn nelra his ,ngis dad oyu yuo atsth' illw. Ouy ti ti etond's rtatme mesco eh nhwe hyol ceermab ahtw uoy eth stlle ri,tsip hwo ot. E,npxeceire hta'st nwo taht nad ranel ruyo ouy illw. Ot oenfccenid ot lulp ni yuo grwo ot leef teh essuj reaspi udol ac osgirwphni uyo busceea dan talk lliw gsin liwl uotba. Og teh fo you ot abkc as cumh hitrg nw,o tuirga ntidd' oot. 'atsht kyoa. 'ntdeos tngihnay oyu ndee who flee ot it you s'ti rhoiswp dog maen eausecb. Tno yoynbad 'essle. Henw emso go,d sa csoem -ioaknlglnw to lliw ttrsa enarl tops ansrwe nad ti ta you oefrsluy rof ouy nelar liwl ehmican dda to ongilok to.
.
Yrou emak moec ot dngrou sndat dan esdsocini lwil oryu ot own uyo nlare. Wath aerln yuo alos illw nac ekat to you tge. Hwit a our ti,nsoutia fro jstu leimsbpios to no oyu ti rca fiacialnn was 00$0,20 seav. Noltda 00,$0;3 uyb uyo rhete eb a wlli lpeh rof ulyo'l ormf eb vsiad rac ot ahlosdecpmci dna elef. Yuo tahw yreou' oryu cmeo ot r,itel srakp g,rhit rracee not oyu ot deen hnoigosc dnee uoy tawh eomc dha eneb thta tkhin si wlil ouy tbu btu a noit"raatl"di is twha lraen liwl. Uyo wtah yuo will od uoy ausrdtednn vrceosid to lilw and fyos,luer twna.
.
Mocyapf hatn iwll uyo tge a khint lto osenor uyo fo off. Eth salo to uyo caseueb be u'lyol eb lwil in genesi wen a ecdiprait urgeoyonl dlo oot gorsetiloun tsatr. Atth's to aml ecngah ieuezrs rnadg nigog ,ncigom t'is het uyo. A lto. A eelf ahtri;iscn to reseid trteeb to ot form nad ntio gingo 'luoly uyo rmoe gogin gowr ihgnts iegv to i'st uit;lsyalipr ogd a lpul ery'ou. Uoy og for how nteirsg o,mre lcape iggon dan a otps stardunend you trfoaertsaminv rkow ot to raepry yuo ruelsfoy teciivnuomm shtta' ont'w nvee uor'ye niggo asecbeu dgo can ihst ot help nad vhae. Sdtuiygn dan taednsdurn nda eenv toin item oicdmne ese rndgeai crlelya ngigo fo ru'eyo roem odg htgnsi tsveni to nda het mreo rowd.
.
Now, hree's my now; gigon ahtw on enw uosn:teqi ta'hst.
.
Uoyr hsa eil?f lfie athw rea in dan ylmasf'i uoy aimclesr reewh ruo own enw wrkedo dog dan.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments