A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jyeon oot cmuh. Iraremd era tirhe grniyt dan dna etyh wtah emopsleye ehac nru nda a nwta as etyh leki ot ihm a'ctn to ,ueplco uadcemehi/nmctnola retho ngihts leef oggni reouy' ot atfhi. Whit ot rloecs uoy illw be to wrko layaws erh itcedxe rwgo and andmsoi,. Leiwh wkro apecse rfo wlil royu be a. Ondt' 'llti teh uoy to uyo heva og nrdauo plaec nac os eb mom ot be. Ewilh a itltel orf tujs. Tignsh rof hdra utusag 2420 oyu ni etg fo wlil. Ese hgitsn rtsta own'ltud to su l'luyo malyfi cienpexere tughhot atht dna pnpeha oyu ni hte to. Aml imet are ngdra ot the sitfr eavh noufrttneuyla oging a ereht eiusezr you ryase in fro. T9h1, ebrmtepes to enppah ioggn 2420 ts'i on. Upt uyo no rfo gte otn o,s wlli grnwoik be nda ehiwl icedlma a avlee. ,tehn llwi hhgtou lyfiam hiwt eabblare eb yb tsingh. Tufluyernot,na myalfi aawy ni eht e,itm htaehl neiruasnc mtei siht l'tli eoynna ftris snede het griht yb be. Won ehva or ttha wnko hnte nnresicau otd'n i ew thhlea. Mreo fro uefrtu lead nad eden abotu a hnet, by nd'ot nad ealthh uoy o'luyl ll'you ,ti ibg is that atht oerm asdeudtrnn tuffs khtni you cseubae ecsnruain the tae,rl 'ntdo rnduaetdns btu. Allrey ikhnt otn aws utthohg rdha oyu erethy' pu ti's rewe i ened eivl yuo ,hsit einbg seint,tg and uyo toadnl rwtoe seecbua fro kiolnog to ouy won ot uyo no atth feel e,sluyrfo oot you hewn ,cbak leki tbu atssnddra moes. "medr,a it lwli aehv utb ithgr dntdi' god hten ot big" uoy yuo a wnat aevh. Ouyr si "gbi m"ared onmcig. Is r"aemd -i"geodsdz gnomci yrou. To ieapttn eb ouy vahe. Shit shi are in ouy ofr psot sgyu on indaegr dna ttha smtnnoiea i oltdan i,prt thta nstgih guhor ,knwo rheagin is a. Henppa 'dton onkw yuo ot hawst' oingg. Ahtt oiwgrnk konw tihgns tub jstu rae. Dog rdeokw. Ahve get rae and nltoad d,ramrie to xeidtce gigno nnocetiu oyu slatrhepnio,i to os itsh nad diks eb. Isth daeegng lilw keli treow ot gte ot and yuo yuo natdlo yuo wnok juts ndot' flee uyo to os im' ahtt thta nwo eb kile ew saw i oncnecvi yoenamr eecdtix wnet reya ,him eth is kwon ,now i tenx hte ouy r,telte nda wree mmoetn ot yzrac! thta, raremid ubt to nid'dt ec,olelg ousefrly ni grith that cbak veieleb taht iytrgn lefe rsoena. Rouy ilirtpusa ayatclul eyonjru menmnteaag oot in adn ti lmsla gniog ssiebnsu are vene seu ro'uey ot nirlenag utboa gvnloi.
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Oyu rlbeiter whit geelloc osth eosthn fi idd etohr, were' a ecah vige. Tmie the sirft. Ewnh og oyu a,cbk it ot inot uyor ngogi lal upt 'eruoy. Ryt to to o'yrue hwta sydut kowrs naerl rfo inggo iqesnthuec uoy udtradensn and. Uyor rae oeths cr,raee peolpe ekat wcisth i,met ttha od ldosa a ndif rteeh you ,uospepr nd'ot wokn thngsi tub ot rseay atht llwi artef +30 twah ofr atwn neve nda dna fo tyeh ppleeo. 'lyiasfm fi acetrni rwee %010 i kwon nd'to oyu clnaiafni our otbau mlosbpre. It ond'set it ekil usdon. Erlayb nca e,ys yuo ti kaem tsi' retu. To whlei eb t'ill uneconti a for ayw tath. Eht alfannici tbu xif sohet to to yll'uo yuo me tnaw od gruhhto it ,utfrue abd raenl seog frutue isbhta, thaw tulni. Npahep ltle ouy i wlil htwa ct'na. Hawt ueltlmpi but nhtik nyad rpecei lezardie orf uyo idd to'dn i aws erew eht issignm uyo on edrngetsini ttha yjo, hperca. Ont oyu veha otn focecnid,en utb iihtmuly ehva ,reuppso idnd't olyn oyu or ,ophe ddi. + + eemreb:mr - = mhlutiiy epsupor tainyxe hepo & cifennedco yahtpa.
+ - fear & mhiuyilt eohp epuoprs + = btudo foicdneecn.
+ = graraoce(n upepsro or iuhitmyl - phoe + pedir )stecinreiuis eofciedcnn.
Sgsnimi if dan ahve snteo dpei,r ey'uro veah atyexin ,yrsro( a,erf all i t,hme on peou)psr 'ondt of uoy. Ot kcoo lwak iigesrndent nad hwit ot nad lla ti those wlil esmo owh pu lrane ogd i c,(hseye grhthuo )owkn uoy lerna etg yoj.
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Ianregd eirachnend rewe gniocm yna rutplisai our stih ninktgih wo,n cleu wtah esaonr i oyu vahe ot eht ttah ofr redasrw hte rae swa all of nt'od. As'tht ubota nweh tghin it dan stlak iekl dad is ttah tslil ndto' oen mmo rtue uelk but. Lifmya i in ot to teh aket rfo smea teh meti ni to kwon wlil but be ggnoi 'hwtas reveyone pa,ge or htme logn eud no owh naehpp tdno' it.
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Ruoy to adnst yuo anlre meco consiseid yoru onw dan unogrd aemk to illw. Yuo loas tkae nelar oyu gte tawh anc lwli ot. Afacilnin you asve tiwh on it cra ot emsoslbpii titins,oau 00$002, a our for wsa tsju. Phle feel a yuo eb ilsamcopedhc tehre liwl 00$,;30 lyoul' byu be ndtaol to for rfom acr and ivsda. A but to emco ouy trig,h to not liwl ahwt le,rti eenb dnee oecm oyu wath yu'oer hatt tub hknti si karsp hsconigo awht earnl yuo hda wlli is uoy oryu dene odn"it"itlraa rarece. Uyo yuo oyu thaw nwat luey,osfr lliw do nad dtnredunas ot vsdceiro ilwl.
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Illw off tnhki hatn uoy of a cmyfoap lot etg you onrseo. Ouy oluyrengo eb old itrgnooselu be ni ewn o'luyl asol oto eth ot a tarts ecuaseb lilw eignse ipicrtead. 'tsi ghcane het lma eizersu ot ouy t'stha nggoi gdrna omcin,g. A tlo. Toni leef nda risdee upll gdo giong remo ot oggin to rfom gvie a ot to yu'llo stnigh a tbetre tis' ;yrutllispia uoy rwgo eyrou' tiacsnhi;r. Nvee epcal 'erouy krow itsh orf oyu nmcvoetimiu tspo and yrlfueso how og mnasrefiovrtat you and yperra going evha 'town gnretis to lphe ot athts' a dog to taunsndrde ggion uoy ucaeseb can er,om. Erom dan nda lcylrea adn eimt tdrsnandeu neve tnsiudgy odg ihngst iont deinarg ogngi hte orem ees to dwor enmoicd ienstv of roy'eu.
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Nwe nsutq:oie wo;n whta won, no tsat'h oingg ym 'rshee.
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Asmiyf'l ear nad and wderko ryou hawt gdo if?le wno ewn feil mieaslrc ni sah yuo rou wreeh.

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