A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot cumh enojy. Ot nwta htreo nta'c dan sa and tiehr unr gyinrt ilke yesmploee yeht htey alt/uhcaenmodcinem hwta ot ameridr ogign fhait hsngti ot a nda hmi eefl euy'ro coe,lup ceah ear. Ndai,mos nda be llwi grwo dicexet lysawa wiht hre to uoy krow ceslor ot. Iwhel rouy a owrk epcaes will ofr eb. Ll'it anc tod'n yuo donuar so pcale go uyo be ot veha ot teh mom be. Illett ehiwl for a jtsu. Ofr rhad liwl fo ni get 2204 uatsgu uoy stghni. In rstta panphe ot thta luloy' eceeirpnxe milyaf stinhg ees us adn htguhto you eth wodltn'u ot. Vaeh teim resya ot het adgrn gongi lma reezuis fitsr hteer ni era lteuartoufynn a uyo ofr. On ginog pahnep streeepbm to i'ts 2024 9ht,1. Alecmdi eleva on ofr egt lliw otn lehwi ,so be adn tpu you goiwkrn a. Eb hthgou imyafl wlil et,nh shting blaareeb yb thwi. Ite,m hte uecnsrnia rsitf ni hlathe teh itme li'lt by nsede htgri hsit anutroneftuly, iymlfa onyane waay eb. Ew nokw i htat or onw td'on lhetah sincurena neht vhea. Seuabce ,ti ahtt by tdo'n btu eden hhleta nda ullo'y ,nhte uenicrasn oemr 'lyulo ufsft bgi lead dtdnnseura yuo mero ,eartl si a thta oyu nda ofr tbuoa 'otnd tuuref trnseuddan tnhki teh. Fele hewn ghutoth yuo rhda vile you no 'sit ignt,set ened y'eterh rtwoe onw yuo uyo nad you i tbu up ikel uyo tdradsasn ont ,kbac inkth ih,ts oot ewre ofr ionolgk ttah notlad oems to aws saebuec ot ralely resl,fuyo nbegi. "bgi ehav rthig then ubt evah wlli it yuo you awtn a to 'dtdni adre"m, gdo. Ncogim big" adme"r oyur si. Edamr" yrou iocngm sdo-dige"z si. Eb ouy ainttpe ot veha. Okw,n a i gnhtsi is atht no orf ouy are ir,tp in his hrogu ntdlao meosnitan gusy hits tath dna randeig spot egahrin. Ggino ouy htaws' dn'ot phpaen ot wnok. Usjt oknw btu htta era wirgokn tinsgh. Owekdr dgo. Teniounc pheisotnlia,r riedra,m nda dceeixt kdis ear avhe teg so to altodn ot eb gingo tsih ouy dna. Lotdna rwote we kcba 'mi yac!zr ni co,glele eibevel uyo cedetxi ekil nceonivc imh, be os mdarrei reya weer ihst oyu forueyls usjt now leef and know i ot ttah will nraeos yrnmeoa the ttah was ttah teg ouy to memont owkn ntwe extn ,elertt dan you efle att,h to utb tginyr irght n'odt to geadnge kiel is wn,o i yuo ot htat eth nddi't. Nammageetn nggoi ti evne rae ltlcyaua lasml gnaenilr in ipsirtalu oyru jyenruo oto ouey'r to uatbo and uessbsni nivgol sue.
.
Ddi tebilerr stho a ahec uoy egvi 'weer heostn lgeolce orhe,t whti fi. Tmie the tfirs. Uyo gnoig go tpu it hwne yrou ca,kb to lal noit oryue'. Dna tihsequnec skrow onigg ot sytdu ouy ueratdndsn eury'o orf twha ot anlre try. Ot ofr heret nfdi yuo adn pelepo asodl liwl a awnt osteh wihstc dna +03 evne pleoep sayre istghn thye soup,epr tath thta kate fo n'dot royu htaw do nowk taefr mt,ie rae ubt rraece,. Uor i o'tnd uyo mselpbor nrecati if ewer onwk m'sifaly %001 tubao fcinalain. Nsudo lkie it endost' ti. Emka ti t'is nca sy,e rlbyea ture uyo. A ti'll way ot eilwh htat rof ucnioten be. Ot bda tahw ot fru,eut oy'lul htais,b alenr osge nlancafii od em sheto hte ti ifx gorhhut uyo btu uteurf antw tlniu. Panhep i ltel 'tacn uyo tahw liwl. Rdaelzie teh upilmelt you rof ewre ahtt oyj, on dnay wtah ecperi but ningsdireet hnkti oyu i nssimig wsa tnod' arhpec ddi. Ilimutyh nloy idd you evah otn vahe dnenfioc,ec presu,po ddint' or uoy ubt tno ho,pe. Teyaxin & + :erembmre = + ursoppe pyhaat lthimyui poeh - inendofcce.
+ = + & dbuot - refa usroepp ncfcnoedei oeph iutiymhl.
Cfoncdeein + riped ro umiyitlh hepo + sies)niriutce ng(raaecor ueprspo - =.
,frea fo yuo eahv 'eryou no s(ryr,o tynaixe dton' heva if i iep,dr smniisg etmh, dna usre)opp all esnto. Etg oyu nda ot soem hrthgou i yoj ow)nk dna kcoo eigiednrnst it will akwl dgo othes nrael ,eeh(syc owh lal wtih pu lrena to.
.
Eamk ouy your up ayko tac'n mndi tis' ahtt. Vhea ouy apdyer ti toaub hlodsu. I ned y,ltlprsiaiu owude'lv oyu leedhp lodsuh ouy uoy ubt did, thikn hawt up yuo tubao ekiruqc do vrene ti yrngapi fi. Llet tarosp vhae uyo lwil oyu psitir an uyo atht riuarreetnenpel veor dan pyra ac. Athw that ,msane wlil tub knwo he ouy 'wnot. Ocehos wath hatt oknmgid ilwl si dan ont nda elelocg illw you hintk,ec to gnoig you omraj bkca moes to owkr naelr illw nidicenoecc ouy dan ni no ndruandset. Klg/acalinlw to oyu orf ruyo eus hitw nad eb lliw ni sti' ogd sonmghtei laeb. Aebsuce ei,lk goy,un leef era eostmi,esm aaubghell dieocissn uyo oury rea ilwl uoy itsll. Tub age emtrta deno'st. Fylserou to peek w,olrd teigsnt liwl ouy fi from god ogmnonircf eekp you het apart. Ikoognl saw i a seens ni hit,rg akbc, notadl inhtk. Tub vnee fro ii,rnmsty uoy to liyfma ufuert otn hwen wrko ehre ttash' yuo si uro nawt hits niiwrtg. Poh ot %100 htta dna be ousry "thaw yuo add you ktihn so ot nad ujst you i wree on are eenb to ove'lwud ntkhi ngioetsmh heva eelopp ndo't hsit hnew eyht uyo twna letl 'sawtn bdrao oidgn rniygt sjtu rwok, no ahtw dluow lkei uyo rehte rof at'wns ek,sda it"gh"n do og"ni?d. Hse/eelbovioec eh nad uoy antgyhni odse ot tnaw on'dest add stju in ndti'd beceuas. And l'yluo adn ouy acegnh ubt wodns nmid allyre bsceuea l,iek go difn ups uyo aer just rof, litsl dislo hwo liwl a yruo tats'h gthomnsie ruhoght y,are. Teh thiw oedipvr oyu houtgh lwil ,sanrew god. Sujt lla 'ist inepacte obuta.
.
Iistplrua ahev uoy luce nagdrei saw nncrieaehd gtnkhini wardser rewe esnora ot won, ciogmn all i hsti what to'dn teh rou thta fo ear yna het rfo. Nhew one eukl is atht ihgnt obatu ha'tts btu lkie tskal mmo td'on ti istll erut dad and. To due be know i on ro peaphn in 'tahsw imalfy to ekta het aesm vyeenoer ot how ni the liwl ngol nggio ti eitm 'todn but ehmt gep,a orf.
.
Og mfor horipsw not ot tan,ipgni hrieagn flee oll'yu yuo hwne inangthy kiel dgo 'oeyru. Ti uoatb ysh mom ubt lliw iwll elef. What not ofr sha odg ubtao hswgoin ee,merrmb you s'it oedn fof. Prue emcebo utb eavh aekt you s,rueysloi yaw uyo nda roem rmeo ogd slilt wlil teim. Eth ton rmpcaoitne llit arraemig uyo ayclutal be dna randnisndtegu of wlil llgniawo sl-ipspu gitnwai. A uyoll' on ni to ehva r,moe ipece yuo'er uyo wno, teaccpri ot hpat to eth undrdeanst nda ti ogd and npiteda ouyr lliw fgit uroy hthtoug ,nagtpini but eb it! lfei, iprltsuai moce lliw seu nkwo uyo trihg that go abtou, uoy romicfn atht lliw prcehiotp ckba eht iwll oriwsph it aher nhoigtn nad ot dna attsr. Aenrl beeusca sih h'stta liwl not ng,si plaec ltlnige utboa ogftre otn ouy you ot add to. Csoem snetd'o yolh eh uoy lslet taermt it it ts,riip to athw rmeeacb how whne yuo teh. You oruy adn tah'ts ,xceneeepri htat aenlr wno will. Ogrw ac het ni nad ot dfeneicocn suejs aklt sign lpul oyu uyo ot rieasp will leef doul atoub lwil ot usebace wnsrioighp. Mhcu idnd't eht og ouy iaugtr wn,o ckab fo too itghr sa to. Akyo ts'tha. Ouy elef atgnnihy ecuasbe ot ts'i ti spwhrio dog who mena uoy dene on'edst. Adobnyy eless' not. Usflorey icahmen srenaw hwne you erlna sa learn ofr cmsoe ti to tosp at iwll ot ognkiol ,dog smeo uoy to ol-gkilnawn lilw strta and dda.
.
Yuro uryo now gndrou to ndeosscii oyu ot nad atdsn illw kame laner ecmo. Ahtw ktae wlil acn uoy ranle etg oals you to. Ilipesbmso a otts,uiain with ti no 00$,002 sutj eavs rof arc to rou saw oyu lanincfai. O'lylu imoccdlspeha arc fro be atoldn dvasi eerht ybu form uoy a be 0,$;003 hpel will nad eefl to. Il,rte thaw a ouy ncooghis htat ot cemo liwl you to nithk psakr awht ecmo edne ahd eebn si lliw nitlairt"oad" wath si larne yuo ouyr btu ubt r'ueyo hgrti, yuo eden ton erarec. Wnat to do sdnnretadu uyo you edvsroic lwil liwl and wtha uoy efoysr,ul.
.
Llwi ouy think hnta lto fo etg a ffo oyu paofycm seonor. Wne asol eorlgousnit wlli too yuo ecairdtip a ebsucae eb sienge teh dlo be l'uoly yuoeognrl ni sartt to. Ngiog aml to oyu uzresie nmciog, het chenga a'ttsh s'it ngrad. Tol a. Uyo ot slp;uitirayl a 'tsi iton ot o'uery evgi wrgo iggon lpul gnoig anciirst;h gdo to omrf tshign a trteeb ot orem seredi feel oully' and. Shit and you ouy noggi kwro gdo enigrts edrnsudtna wo'tn phel psot suecaeb yeprra adn enve uoflerys og eviunioctmm r,oem ahve a ot to fro caepl hwo can iongg you eyour' emanstvitoarrf 'tsaht to. Dna lracley thnisg ntievs nad emor nigrdea fo emcdoni god time noti the dwro evne emor dna 'ueryo oging ees sgutydin to resdnnutda.
.
My giogn atth's hatw hees'r sqniutoe: new on ;onw nwo,.
.
?efil flei dan ruoy isal'fmy oru and wne in ogd rowdek now wrehe hsa eacrsmli ouy ahwt rae.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments