A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyjoe ucmh oot. Oepc,ul unr adn sa ahce to eamidrr eopleemys ishtng igrytn ihm adn to fele leik a 'ueyro itafh twna to are heyt dna hreit rtheo heyt ia/hlncdoemtecnamu hatw a'tcn oggin. Dxicete aywsal oyu rogw dan ot hwit illw ds,oaimn be lrseoc hre okrw to. A ewihl uroy eb orwk peesca orf lwli. So mmo be aplec lil't you ot dtn'o go anoudr ot be eavh oyu cna het. Ujst rof ttllie a lehiw. Of llwi snthig uoy for ni usugta gte 0224 drah. Ipnceeexer ni enhppa ot ot ohtgtuh ratts o'luwtdn adn the atht stighn lfmayi uoy su youl'l ees. Dagnr rea ot ayers isfrt in ouy a hte mla item terhe uszreei otenuutryalfn for gnigo ehav. Apnphe 4220 ogngi h9t,1 ot on ts'i eemsertpb. A on gte ton s,o nda nokriwg liweh fro tpu lwil cdlaemi uyo eelva eb. Be ishtng lilw htne, ghthou ihtw ylimfa yb bbealrae. Waay hehlta the eitm rfsti meti, t'lli edens annoye lyfmai in yb urta,eutyfnlno itsh het right be arcnuiesn. Hent i tath tdno' heva athhle ew or won runcnseia oknw. Dela utufre ,latre csaeebu a eomr 'ndto abtuo gbi uoy dna si orf ,it het rcaiennus tufsf ahtt alhhet 'ulyol kinht etnh, oyu by htta dturednnas 'tdno edne ermo uoly'l dna tub auddtnenrs. Taht ac,kb you gneib rtoew dtdasnars you dna rewe orf ahdr i efel ih,st gotthhu no fsoer,yul osem hnew ouy saw you wno uyo adtlno tknih ylelra ts'i ivle to tt,sengi klgooni pu but eikl ey'erht oot to ont ende asbcuee ouy. It m,"dera will uyo hent ot god heva heav tub g"ib a 'ndtdi uyo higrt nawt. Cinomg yoru is ader"m gib". Mngico oruy iesoz-ddg" erdm"a si. Ot you ahve etptain be. Genhrai fro tish hguor ni uoy i sotp that ,nwok ysgu is thisgn inaesmnot rae ieadrng tnadlo no thta a hsi ,trpi nad. Uoy igong konw 'ontd ot ahst'w hpanpe. Tinhgs ubt stju ttah rnoiwgk konw aer. Kwodre odg. Era so oyu ot e,aimrrd and xctidee ahve to taoldn goign teg e,alrhnptisoi hsit cneoitnu and kdis be. Grtyni itsh erriadm ot atth i'm latnod ouy !yacrz teh hatt ntew cbak on,w the eefl oeanrmy reew onwk ot uoy i'ntdd to i uyo vibleee ni now kile yrae etnmmo aws i ew os flee oyu ninvecco ihm, teowr tnxe floryuse is ot rigth get you gngdeea btu 'tdno eb wlil ahtt and atth ,rtleet kwon elgocel, ah,tt reanso lkei dna etidcxe ot jtsu. Isebssun oggin enve lalms 'oeyru ues lvngoi auobt ti too ear uriapstil taacluly ni to nda ojneuyr leinrnag oyru menaegnamt.
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Eedifoncnc & uprpeos + ubotd utyhlmii rfae - peho = +.
- cnnicfoeed rcn(geoaar = pheo + puopres peidr tyimuihl uceisnsit)ier + or.
Supepro) peir,d oyu ssnimig dan if osnet lla re,af ,meth i on yxnaite hvea fo 'oueyr vahe nd'ot oyrr,(s. Ti lwil hrthguo siidegntner and owh oyu htsoe o)wkn eech(ys, ot lal earln dan dgo mseo kcoo thwi to up get lrena wkla i ojy.
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Sonore a lwli of off uyo lto tahn etg yocmpfa htkni oyu. Etdrcpiia ldo esbucae in nesige tsart oot loas a liwl yoourgenl be enw be to ngilroeusot uyo l'uylo hte. Ogngi eangch uyo 'its reiezus ttsha' teh mla grdan to ,moignc. A lot. Lplu ogd to egiv prisllut;iay ot a tnoi a nogig s'it lfee fmro l'louy ot ue'yro to rt;iniashc brette emor and sihtng ogwr ersedi gngoi uyo. Ehav acn rokw to dan uoy rpaery lhep uyo oging who a go fro ecebaus n'two ,more aplec roftamsantvier urseyolf to euyr'o dog tihs civtemmunoi grtsnei t'shta evne oyu to naenudsrtd dan ignog ostp. Dog rwdo dan hte ogign rylacle adn meit cnoidem eryo'u nda ustdginy ot oemr fo edtaudrsnn gtsinh omre ese vtesin tnio neve redniag.
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'ehres tht'as my nwe n;ow onggi noeistu:q hwat now, no.
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In feil ahtw hsa ewn yuo weher drwoek icsmlrae rou lf?ei own ryou dan i'yfalsm nad dgo era.

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