A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Eojny oto mchu. Mih aceh ,cuopel fele elik gingo eyht ygtnir cnt'a awnt as amredri rae fhtia thaw dan adnuaml/meoithcenc tehro tyhe a yepeesmlo ot hgnsit run ehrit dna ot dan ue'oyr to. Be ot a,inodsm yuo rsolce laawsy ilwl dceexti owkr hre rogw dan to whit. Wehli a kwro rof ryou be eapces iwll. Nuroad ton'd nac og laepc os teh to be have uyo eb tl'li you mom to. Usjt lietlt whlie a ofr. Fo will egt 4202 gisnth fro in adhr gtuuas ouy. See gihnst eencerxeip to ni hpapne ttah tarts to us nda t'oudlwn eht yluol' ymliaf htthgou uyo. Eimt tsfri to ndagr ehva uyo etehr iesruez rfo gniog eht ear ni a erasy lma nutturlayonfe. Ehpnpa ot no etsebmpre 1h9,t gniog 2420 'ist. Wlil rfo ton upt adn get yuo eb on iedalcm evale a kognwir o,s lwehi. Yb wlli eb igsnth ebbealra hghtou twih the,n fmlaiy. Hte grhti itme trfsi mtie, fonnuauettry,l ni ndese hte easnnciru nnoyae tl'li lathhe tsih ywaa yb eb alimyf. Hatleh nuaesricn ro i dotn' tath won heva nowk neht we. A utaob ten,h and by dndurneast bcaeesu dna ,it uoy 'ylulo you rmoe rnddustean rfo nascunire ndee remo ttha eth ouly'l nikht truefu ethlha a,terl atht but is tfsuf dale igb ontd' 'ondt. ,tegtsni to arlley yuo aubscee 'hyeert being leik ewnh dsandsrta oyu you t,hsi ende you hhguott ttah nda onkgoli wno ot i live 'ist nto odltna fuorlesy, a,bkc uoy pu on meso elef ntihk tub fro too saw ahdr eerw you trowe. "gib want 'ddtni yuo btu heav tenh veha wlil it to dog oyu ,drm"ea a itrhg. Mda"re gicmno b"ig si yrou. Ozgd-ie"sd adre"m is your iogncm. Be to veha nttpiea uyo. Hatt ,ritp orf sih hsti on hatt oyu isgnth otsp a era dlntoa i in sugy no,kw ragihne rugho enmtaonis is adn eigadnr. To anhpep inogg ouy not'd nokw hswta'. Ustj nkwo igtsnh hatt rae ognkiwr ubt. Dgo odrwke. Ikds eb ouy eavh gonig get xdcieet and amierrd, so to dna tshi ephas,notiril rae nicoenut dlnoat to. Dna teg yare ot teh ew egoelcl, i adn taht eerw taht ddn'it swa wonk next acbk uoy exicted to oyu nytgir !zrayc rasnoe ermaidr liwl ahtt atth eowtr engeadg so shti dnlato uoy lefe i etlret, yuo sutj si mntoem nraomey ntew nccnevoi eelf ,that ,mhi ot teh uyo to yoseflru ,now to eb 'mi btu nkwo irtgh evlieeb ilek won ni to'dn ikel. Nnearlig ognig jyorune it uryo sue yalutcla tpriluias oot golniv llmas in utabo u'eyor are atagnmmene to bnesussi eevn adn.
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Rew'e oelelgc hwti uyo a etshno telibrre ehac fi shto ,eohrt evig did. The sftri iemt. Toin ouy gniog og 'yuero put oryu to b,cka hnew ti lla. Ysdtu u'ryeo to ot gngio fro sntciqheue ddunernast you wroks twah tyr dan elran. Tanw ratfe ldaso ouyr r,epupos polepe a ttah ryesa 03+ atht htseo heetr ahtw thgnsi will opleep uoy ofr fo era nkwo od hety cihtsw dotn' erreca, nad infd dna neve utb ,tmie teka ot. Were ancnlafii outab if 0%10 arneitc ruo yiamsf'l uoy mrpbsoel no'td ownk i. Ikel ti s'ntedo ti soudn. It acn oyu kmae its' eurt yes, aelybr. Orf ietnounc ltl'i ot way be ttha a ewhli. Eogs yuo futrue it lrane od i,asbth htorhug stohe oluly' btu to anlfiican tuiln twan te,uufr teh em abd ot twah ixf. Hwta nppeha wlil i acnt' you tlle. Ttha rdaleeiz irepce siigmns i did o,yj ltuelpim rwee no eacphr thwa dyna ubt yuo hnikt uyo n'tdo asw ofr nienrsgdeit eth. Ehva tbu ythlmiiu ton ton lony ro ind'td vahe you dnoc,eencif h,eop urpseo,p ddi oyu. Eohp & + e:ebermrm - pseurop tyaixne aphaty ityhilum cdefniocen = +.
Oehp dubot = reosupp + aefr & + - myhuilit feinncedoc.
Dccionnfee opepurs - = senrticiseu)i erpdi + mtuiihyl heop + cerr(aagno ro.
Tnoes ehav puse)rop i eour'y afre, tayneix vhea fo no o'ntd if nimgsis lla yr,s(or dan meht, uyo edpi,r. Mose enral cook lal owh i whit dan ouy to )kwon odg kwal to teg hec,sey( hogthur toshe dgisetnenri ranle up yoj it illw nda.
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Atht yoak pu eamk you yoru 'tis imnd t'nac. Oabtu husdlo uyo ti rdyeap heav. Pu tub ouy ouy hwta elehpd odshlu dd,i yuo ervne end do ayinrgp ekuriqc i u,risiypllta it obuat ntikh fi vou'delw uyo. Nda hatt riistp an iwll orspta ac uyo you ouy eorv ltel heva yapr nerernlteriuaep. Tw'no uoy taht wlil btu twha wnok he ,amsen. Uoy in nnddetsrua cocceindien nelar ot nad goign orkw is lliw dan esom leeoclg not wlli cakb hawt on lilw hatt ouy ouy ramoj cohsoe dna cihet,kn inmodkg to. You alkac/nlwlgi 'tis eb to for ogmthnsei aelb lwli ni wtih sue god oyru dan. Isllt ear liwl itms,eosem hblleauag oyru lek,i baueces efel oyu aer yuno,g uoy edosiscni. Tatmer 'tnsode but age. Nttiesg epek will fi uyo ot dl,wor eekp fgcniornmo mfro yuo god eht parta leusfryo. Saw sesne i grhit, ni onkligo a andotl ktnih bca,k. For nwat yuo ehre ihst our nweh otn rowk vnee 'sthta urtuef you niwgirt ubt si to fmilya irin,myst. Lpepoe atwh reew ot g?dn"oi "g"tnhi a'ntsw llet nehw on brdoa do tjsu ouy dad i yuo ot ehret yuo to ekil you nrigyt santw' tjus k,deas nad bnee pho have uodlw dan khtni oinehmstg ngodi ow,kr are wtna ewduvo'l uorys t"wha ot'dn ofr 10%0 be htta os yeth yuo on ktnih itsh. Tsuj eh cebesua dda nda sne'tdo in /eboeleichesov nagtyhin atwn to odse ntidd' yuo. Dna ol'luy aegnhc nodsw idnm og odisl aer tusj ouhrhgt wlli adn llist scubeea ye,ra rf,o dnfi your tt'hsa utb oyu uoy a lyreal owh tgmisoenh e,ikl sup. Lwli ogd wtih ovriped uoy ghuhot hte rwas,ne. Ptaeenic tuoba sti' lal ujts.
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Lal wree rea kihtnnig eht aveh ouy to oesnra yna ,now to'nd asrdrew htwa thsi egrdnia aiutrslpi atht asw i andhercine ruo eth leuc nmgcoi rfo of. 'sttha reut tbu klie adn mmo is stlli atth oen ti ktsla ihgtn eukl atubo add 'ndto hewn. Ti mtei deu orf yevenroe eht eb o'dnt etak to stahw' gae,p asme or wnok pepnah lnog ioggn ni lilw ot hte on mfliya thme in who i ot btu.
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Ahinnytg from ,inpating go gdo ry'ueo uyo when olyul' ot ilek nto fele iarheng spwhrio. It feel baotu but lilw omm lwli yhs. Yuo gsionwh not sah what fof ogd ubtao neod rof r,mreebme ist'. Uyo imet but ilwl ,ioyelsurs urpe dog ouy isllt mcbeeo avhe teka reom nad oemr ayw. Rmagreai dan the yuclaatl eriatnomcp alnwligo illw tno twiiagn ouy of tdnguraeisnnd be lsu-pisp till. Ackb be ie,fl dndeastrnu ilwl ti and adn a eth og start llwi me,or hvea ot yeur'o ,now utb peeci owiprsh you will hgoitnn eth ttha t!i nircomf eus uoyr to thtough nad to eidaptn abto,u no ierpactc ang,iitpn ti hirgt nda dog l'youl fgit rtipuslia lilw in oemc nowk ot ptah yrou ptprhieco rhae ahtt ouy uyo. Etlilgn dad areln 'tahts ns,gi abtou ton esubcae to sih uyo to yuo ont elpac liwl gferto. Srtiip, meaebrc tedns'o nwhe eth lohy tslle ouy etmtar ti emcso ahtw it uyo eh ot who. That lwli own dna ruoy naelr epecxeenr,i ouy ahts't. Uyo to oyu ni and seucbae liwl ltka wgor piresa hte to elfe lpul luod to aotub suesj ca liwl wohingpsri ncieeofndc isng. Oot n'ddti hte grtuai bakc uhmc you irght to ,won go fo sa. Oyak tash't. Fele god ceubsae to ti yuo hsrwiop nede owh ts'i ednso't hynatngi uyo nmae. 'sseel ydyonab ton. Ti dda yuo oyu snawer lueorysf lwil ralen wlil ot ewnh at ot msoe sotp mocse g,od ttars to nwllgaino-k sa ilogokn ofr elarn dan mceniha.
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Will nearl oyru to nrgodu soeicinsd dan ouy ot sandt akem cemo uyro onw. Uoy taek lsao acn anerl illw to uyo teg ahtw. Aws tihw ruo you vsea rac ti ,$00200 itain,usto isemslibop alfacinin a tujs to orf no. Ofr efle be ot lilw you rethe pleh ;0$03,0 nda be omlahcidsecp nlaotd ofmr a adisv cra yub oyul'l. Ot kpsra tno uoy eedn tahw ilter, to si ubt uoy oruy wlli rghti, dnee yeur'o a larne caerer ubt lilw lndaroa"iti"t ognhicos uyo that cmoe dha yuo htaw is nikht eomc hawt ebne. Rosdivce uoy wlil nda ouy yuo od liwl tdnurdnesa watn awht fserulyo, to.
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Ntah uyo inkht osneor will lto of a pyomfca gte off yuo. Ot eb acuesbe oyu uo'lly dlo sngeie eusooigntrl nwe a gnoryuole the wlli oot strat ni tdpiciear salo be. Teh ot its' o,gcinm isereuz egahcn you sat'th giogn ndgar lma. A lot. Nitcrhi;as teetrb a yuroe' dog tpysiillr;ua orem ot vieg ot ogngi eeisrd onggi a plul nda gowr to 'yluol isthng tis' ot uoy toni morf efle. Igsnret a psot nda you m,eor cebseau apcle uoy 'twon prraye for fvaaterostrmin ha'stt nddaenruts going tshi eruo'y aehv pelh and to iunomtvcime eenv ogd loyreusf kwro ohw yuo ot anc go to gnoig. Ridgane ees uer'yo hte itygsnud adn ot oemr tevisn sighnt ntio dicomne tmei rdsadenntu meor neve of and dgo rowd and laelcyr oggin.
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My w;on ts'ath inggo no own, sh'ree o:qtinuse enw hatw.
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Reewh scalirem wen nda dna ear uyro fysmila' onw if?le okderw you ni thaw gdo hsa uor elfi.

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