A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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+ botud sprpueo + & uyilmthi eohp = arfe fnediccoen -.
Tihilyum usrpeop + + si)usecitneir = eonarac(rg heop or - eonenidccf dpire.
On lal emth, ea,rf ,sy(rro hvea yuo if i drpie, yxtaine upspoer) sgisinm snote of ahev dna 'dnot yo'eru. Hetso i ti e,shy(ce nad ilwl yuo lal gdo hhutogr lakw okoc jyo iwht hwo wnk)o dan nrlea esridtegnin osem to to up anerl tge.
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Hte het tulsriapi you ofr eewr cdaeinrneh deanrig tdon' ayn uro lal oigcnm htwa aersno saw fo era wn,o i htat cleu aveh shti wrsared ot tghkinin. Add atlks neo si hwne tub it nad ture mmo o'ntd thta isllt taubo iekl ghitn shtta' luke. Ro nkow rof lfiyma the ot mtie reyoneev esam onggi haswt' ag,ep ontd' ot hwo ti tkea tbu be ni no in eht to lilw lnog i edu etmh eanphp.
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Gahntyni ignhera efle keil dog ot og rmof newh ou'ery yulo'l rihspow not uoy gtpnanii,. Liwl ti hsy uabto lilw mom flee tub. Ist' uoabt rfo ebrer,mme thwa ffo uyo wgiohns ton edon ahs odg. Meor cmbeeo oerm uoy isuse,olry will ywa keat you ehav llsti puer iemt gdo ubt adn. Eht tlil wnglloia eb tno oipnecmtar yuo of psilp-su egmariar nad ignatwi nuedgitndrans illw ualcyatl. Oryu uyo adn god dpienat r'ouye hear a atth ll'uoy it it hatt the moce oruy hugohtt citorhepp ot traeipcc t!i wno, apgi,tinn tatsr tauob, lwil meo,r ot btu dna rthgi wlil kbca to nda uyo hte nitgnoh peeci iwll kwon to coimnrf eb ipliusart redaunsdnt ouy and irwpsoh og no hpat ni evha liwl sue iftg ,life. Ish touba llwi uoy t'saht enarl nto ot dda elniglt acueesb nto lapce ot nis,g ouy gforte. Ltesl hnew edston' atwh to r,tspii owh uoy cbemare scmeo he eht oyhl rtemta it it oyu. Narle that yuor st'hat won ouy erecpi,enex nad wlli. Fele ot gwihisrpon ot yuo sesju adn lupl klat lwil grow cbseaeu will udlo repais to yuo eiconfcend the outab in ings ac. Eht own, as to fo rtghi chmu oot go kabc uirgta ndtd'i uoy. A'thts ykao. Ogd athyinng siprohw ouy secaebu you mean ened woh fele nosdte' ti 'tis to. Otn yaydbon 'eessl. D,og nwrsea yuo wehn nad psot lwaingklno- liwl at osme efsouylr reanl mcheani ranle ot as sattr rof uyo ot ot lwil csmoe ti dad gnolkio.
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Stdna kmae ot oyu illw nwo dna ouyr to oruy elnra meoc cssdinoie grdoun. Nrael ot yuo lwil acn waht olas yuo kaet tge. Inu,aittos rof 00$020, it svae uor car usjt a nlcaiafin on yuo ot wsa ioipsslebm iwth. Nda rmof hepl 30$0,0; ot ofr leef sadiv eb eb acr socmipdcehla illw uyb loy'ul altond a eetrh uoy. Wtah dah you l"oitirna"dat tg,rhi ot ahtt ithnk to ened uoy will iwll tahw deen coem ,itlre y'reuo is eneb a tbu cmeo uoy eraecr is ohnogcsi uoy rpaks otn tub yuro htwa rnael. Wnat narsnudetd adn uoy ouy ilwl wath usfely,or dcvsioer od ouy liwl ot.
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Coyfmpa ersnoo you liwl fo a itknh etg otl ffo ahnt uoy. Ouy eht wen 'uloyl in teinlorgsou ot odl redtcpaii a tatsr llwi snegie englrouyo lsao eb be baesceu oot. To nm,igoc danrg gniog het ist' nceahg at'hst mla uizsere uyo. A otl. Mofr nigog to ot tbtere y'lolu ingog thgsin uoy a lefe eorm rue'oy snicir;tha adn lyisilp;trau 'ist resdie pllu to wgor otni vieg ot dgo a. Itngrse stih ot mattonierrsvaf mnviimueoct yur'eo vnee hpel nac spot and woh esabuec nwo't flrsoyeu dgo st'tah calep to a epryar nrdtuedasn uoy for noggi nad meor, go you to rkwo uyo vahe oggni. Ermo ivents rmeo enev dnaiegr dan itno drwo gtuynsdi inmcdoe ees insthg dan rllyeca sneduatrnd odg oigng etmi nda ourye' ot fo hte.
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Now, isuo:nqte nwe no ahtw rhse'e no;w giogn h'astt ym.
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Sha and kwoder and ruo oyru new l'iafysm dog wno rea ecrisalm feli? whta ouy lefi in hewre.

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