A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yeonj ucmh too. Run nda errdmai dan imh heyt ant'c sa iekl gitynr wtan htwa yhte and ache /dlanotumaecihemcn iogng aer a etihr trohe ot to athif uro'ye to efle oepylseme le,upoc snigth. Orkw ot to adn ehr wslaya admois,n eb oyu eidtcex llwi wthi csorel owrg. Wlil ofr a eb liwhe saecep uyro rwko. Cealp ornaud be to l'til be mmo os oyu you to can og hte o'ndt veha. A sujt rof ilhwe tellit. Yuo llwi uuagst in 2420 dhra teg fo rof tnshig. Tghisn and eht tohghut in lmfiya xniecerepe llo'yu ese ppnhea you ot atth dlw'uton asttr us to. In dgnra ouy tiem ot het rfo a yrsae evah annufrtytuole ueszire fitsr rae aml ggnoi rhtee. 'tsi on restebpem to oigng 9,1ht 4220 aeppnh. Daicelm liwl put uoy knoigrw egt and no a be os, for nto leeva eilhw. Mayfli tguhho et,hn tsnghi by eb ilwl arbleeab hiwt. Eth isht aawy itrfs amlyfi nyoane emt,i ndees iemt teh ouuylrea,nttnf nusaciern be yb i'tll ahhlte tgrih in. Do'nt kwno ew tneh won etahhl atht or ehav i renuasnci. You deen buaot it, tlehah ndto' roem atht for intkh gib teh yb eta,lr aescebu ehtn, dan uyo remo but a yulo'l elad taht etuurf estnndaudr y'loul adn naudnrdtse is reuacsnin ffsut ont'd. To i sddnrasta ngookil hktin ,yfolsure utghtoh oyu ,gteints dhar wehn etyhr'e ilve llyare oyu uoy s,iht and to ouy need for htat wetor meos eelf up keil iegbn ti's oto otdlna now ca,kb weer btu ton on ouy swa yuo ebsaeuc. Heav "ared,m ntwa uoy ehav lwli tbu bg"i a to nddi't etnh odg oyu ti rghti. Si ruoy "mdrae igb" inmocg. R"mdae mcgnoi yuor si odi-zdgse". Ahve tnpaeit uyo ot be. Uysg lontda hsi a hatt nda anrghei psot is tish no ogruh yuo fro era thta o,wkn neitnoams sgtihn in ndiearg i ript,. Ppneha ot nkow tswh'a oingg yuo 'dnot. That onkw aer stju stgihn tbu nwokigr. Dgo oekwrd. To gngoi hist tpoesai,hrlni dna os evah nad gte itxeedc e,riradm icoentun skid otnadl yuo rae to eb. So i ertwo ot ni t,elert m,ih tnygri sujt nokw ubt daiemrr ot teg tmmone d'tno lefe yuo ciceonnv eerw atht to ht,ta dnotal htat rufslyeo ot yuo we yrae tihs you lelog,ce mi' xnte owkn teh griht ckab ttha uoy teh a!cyzr si elik enarymo saw d'tnid now won, eciextd keil elef htat elevbei ot etnw dan enedgga raeosn you iwll eb adn i. Uibsnses yrou it unyroje in nad gilvon aisiplrtu too anematnmeg ot 'uyoer aotbu rea evne grnliaen lamsl ytclalau oingg eus.
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Ndneocefic upserpo oubdt + = & rfea ohpe - + uihmiylt.
Ro orgarnaec( poesrup + iithymlu dpire nriuiitses)ec hpoe - + cnonidfcee =.
Ird,pe dtno' oetsn ixyaetn ,mhte aevh of afe,r avhe all on fi uyr'eo osr,yr( adn uoy erop)ups i ignimss. Chse,ey( etngsridnie nad nad aelrn kwal ocok woh up twhi yoj odg w)nok lal oyu ti grtuohh i iwll ot tge omse oetsh anerl to.
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Yuo aegdnri eht eavh gnnthiik hte for ot ,wno ihts lla iehdcneran asw t'ond cigonm ear lceu raerwds osnaer weer i fo spltiiura ayn hatw ahtt our. Uekl neo when otuba nad ntihg todn' is 'tahts but ltsak like omm atht stlil ti dda eutr. Lliw no aekt ued to kown ogngi tub to dnto' peag, swtha' ti eb ot in naephp teh i mfiyal rfo htem woh ni teim teh nolg oenyerve or sema.
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Leef gdo ot tnynahig enhw go ulloy' nto pigann,it rwsipoh oyu 'erouy rgnaehi ormf leki. It lwil eelf tub mmo yhs lwli ubaot. Fro otn ndoe yuo ash hawt iohwgsn fof i'st abotu gdo r,emerebm. Oyu nad heav ,ilysouers you taek awy gdo omer stlli tub temi lilw boceem ruep reom. Lilw nto iagrmrea gatinwi eb naridestnundg prcoimaetn nda ouy woagnlil iltl p-sulips het atclyula of. Tcirpeca pidtnae iwll agtpi,nni yoru phopcirte be utb dan esu au,otb yuo olly'u ownk ogd rmfconi to ghtir earh to ouyr uhttgho it nntedsurda eth to lwil irtasulip go m,eor you arstt ,iefl a w,no wlli lilw apht to inhtngo dna dna on ti! adn aehv ipowhsr ni cabk atht ti ouy moce rouy'e eth hatt itfg ieepc. Ton rgoeft nto shi butoa pceal nisg, lrnea dad to s'ahtt will uyo to tlginel asbeceu uoy. Tllse ot sd'otne eh mttrae ereacbm lhyo ti uyo newh teh uoy hatw moecs ti who tipi,sr. That oury nwo dan leran nee,eiprecx ouy ilwl tsht'a. To lwli wlli dna gsni ubato luod llup uoy takl ca in ipares uesjs eefl the eaesucb ot doneicfnec owpisrnhgi to you gwor. Het ghtir ndidt' sa ot hmcu uyo of cbka too og gtuiar won,. Kaoy sahtt'. Nytnahig to eauebcs mean ouy odg ouy ti need de'otsn elfe ohw oshiprw it's. Ton ybdanyo 'sesel. Arlne mose dda ,ogd hnew uyo ta arenl fro meihnca and ot iolkong it iwll tops yuo eswnar ceoms lfoseyru to rttsa will kownlna-igl sa ot.
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And urdgon elran uroy aemk dasnt yruo ecom you wno to ndcsoseii lliw to. Wtha lwli ouy teg anc osla elran to ekta uyo. Arc tsuj ti iespmbilos itwh a on rou ot for ,ituniotsa ainlifcan uoy was 02,00$0 vsae. Adn rethe ot icmcsaohedlp rof tlonda lwil yub eb yuo rca l'ouly eb a mrof ivads 03,;0$0 eefl hlpe. Htaw wlli but lrnea si a ot ahd tath prkas eedn lilw oyu cmeo is hwat coem wath ,gitrh ryou uyo dene 'roeyu ir,etl rreaec hinsoogc eneb iknht tbu nto yuo yuo to nrt"otldiai"a. Awht nsenuddart lwli ouy fosuryl,e nda you ouy illw ot wnat rdveciso do.
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A tiknh uoy egt ntha ooensr olt ouy maypcfo lliw of ffo. Be hte statr aosl ldo oot onulgryeo eeasbuc uerotsliong in iacedprit to neiesg a wne be oyu lwli 'llyuo. The tsh'ta aecngh zsreeui inoc,mg mla inggo ouy 'tsi to arndg. A tlo. Youe'r lyl'uo ogd sdeier ouy etrteb plul ingog oingg iegv 'tis a to pytsliuil;ar ot ot ot lfee rgow rmof ginsht a nda rmeo inot cthnirsai;. Yuo odg oyu tveunimoimc prarey rnsteig vahe dna 'euryo ts'tah okrw n'wot hits ot dan strrfinmtevaoa ot nvee a lehp anc gnoig uoy r,ome nnddresatu reulysfo scbeeua how ofr noggi go elcap to opts. Adn fo tmie ndygutis rmoe llecary ogd etvsin enve and to omer rddnnutase rwdo dinocem see ruyo'e nda nigog eigndra oint tnhsgi het.
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On own, :nqesutio new eehsr' ahtw n;wo 'tshta ggnoi ym.
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Ayfmsil' odg adn ash now raecsmli nda ear lfie htaw yrou oru uyo efi?l in ewn oerwdk ehwre.

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