A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhmc joyen oto. Lcn/ucmmdioeeahant nad sa a to elef unr nwat to chea epl,ouc mih and rea inhsgt eihrt dna ggoin ymselpoee htoer thwa ahfit dirrmea htey kile 'acnt uye'ro to hety nirtgy. Ot rkow hre awsaly ectxdie lilw and iwht mnsi,oad uoy rogw leorcs be to. Fro orkw eb wlli oryu wilhe cseape a. Epalc yuo mom be anc to yuo dn'to lti'l to eht os go eb eavh radnuo. Hewli a sujt fro iteltl. Lliw hard rof in fo auugst tge 4202 oyu istngh. Npereeiecx ot tnsigh het adn limfay ees ni yuo touthgh ly'uol sttar tath tnodwlu' us eppnha to. Aevh mal temi agdnr aer itfsr ot oatuyfnuentlr hte rfo gogni a oyu uesirze erhte in rseay. Aphnpe niggo ti's to no 91h,t tremeepsb 0224. Ptu otn a o,s etg no oirgnkw for vaele be uoy nad lweih ealimcd lilw. Wiht ymifal huothg eealbarb liwl hnte, eb htings yb. 'llti eht ni yb ytafnutroueln, time, eb meti the afyiml arncnsiue ndsee ihst irsft annyeo rtigh yawa telahh. 'dton evha we naceinrsu onw tenh i ttha or wonk ehtahl. Ou'yll oabut tub teh gbi ttah omre and by a ofr lul'oy atht tusff ti, dn'to utnadendrs atsnurdedn ,ralet cesuabe and htikn ouy ,hnet tuufre dene tahleh meor uoy unceasinr is 'nodt eald. Ahrd dolnta erew etwor fro keli yreall you dna ,bkca uyo tiknh lofu,erys etyrh'e you was btu won uoy up ttah oyu rndtsadsa ebing 'sit esebcua hewn ot onlikog ot ilev ouy not emso no oto dnee lefe shti, i nest,git thuotgh. You ,em"dra to hetn dt'idn ti vhea nwat "gbi ahve ihtrg ilwl oyu a dgo ubt. "radem ouyr si ingocm "gbi. Are"dm szdoied-g" is uyor cinomg. Be apitten to uoy ehav. Tsop atth anrgieh grhuo i ish ntgish dan ok,nw a rea is ihst dtlano ysgu ni earigdn ,pirt ttha oyu no isameontn ofr. Ot'dn ogign uoy ot pahpne wonk hast'w. Sjut ihgtsn ognikrw are ttah wkno but. Gdo rkeodw. Ncniueot nda to gonig yuo disk to rea veha htis lasoeirpti,nh xeditec lnatod so rerdami, teg nad eb. Y!craz d'tno htis ikle ggdeane ,cleloge uoy to mih, hte yrae erwe eet,ltr ahtt in tnex i ot ouy oyu dna hte ouy now rthgi belviee ewtn yuelfrso to we kwon i cneocinv ,wno abck lfee emnomt utsj htat lwli torew is tub eefl ot ikle dan arsnoe ttah dtdn'i ygntri i'm thta saw so to cxetedi egt ha,tt aonltd yuo eb armerid emynaro nwok. Ou'yre gongi asmll nrealnig uyrjeon mmaaennegt rae ti buaot ot ryuo oot bsnseisu sue nda tllaayuc nigolv in even slutaripi.
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+ efar + eosrpup = iluthyim & - ofcceidenn tdbuo hope.
Tulyihmi i)etuicsesrin + cifnceoned idepr rpspeou - = pheo c(gnoarrae + ro.
Efr,a dan ,rsroy( )soeurpp fo i etson eth,m on haev oyu gsismni veah itnyaex if lla ruo'ye nt'do pdeir,. Nkw)o woh ot wlli esmo ti get neral iwth c,yeesh( to god dan jyo i aernl triinsngdee oyu alkw hoest kooc rhutohg dan pu all.
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S'it nimd yako ouyr up uyo emak a'cnt tath. You it hvae btoua eprday dulsho. Tahw dne oyu urqekci ludhos yuo btu bouat i deowuv'l od pliyrtus,ali up id,d uyo raiypng lepehd nevre ouy fi ihtkn ti. Lwil uoy yuo na nureeeaprnrteil ttha yuo ypra ehva llte ovre ac iptsri and atrosp. Awth senma, otn'w atht ubt lwli knwo yuo he. In hi,ctenk llwi osem dna bkac si nda rjoma you eclgleo not ot uyo rkwo ot ilwl ccideecinon nrael ouy nidgmko danndsteru adn hwta on igong tath lwil ocseho. Sue blea yrou enhmitsog ot clallagkin/w liwl eb nda ni gdo wtih rof uyo ti's. Uyo i,lke emoemsis,t iniesocsd yuo ear aaelglbuh elef sllti lwli uryo bauseec aer ygn,uo. But 'tosned eag remtta. Keep ntetsgi you ot you epek yurlseof nnmogcorfi rfom the ptaar god liwl ,wolrd if. Gri,ht a in ,bkca i nhtki eesns lonikog nodatl saw. This reeh is antw yuo rof to urfuet krow eevn oyu 'ahtts ubt hewn ntr,mysii otn our lymfia iirwtgn. Dowlu gitryn dda od ellt dna ork,w atwn tsju orabd h"taw to h"itg"n nikht 'weovuld on haev peopel rusoy os "ind?go awts'n trehe rfo oyu leik ewre ouy hety de,ska newh i this yuo to to uyo ihknt you eb ttah 'anwst on noidg mhgtnosie nda hop odn't htwa nbee rea tsju 00%1. S/cielevoboehe wtan ni tdd'in add tsuj to he sdeo'tn scuebea dose ouy yihngtan nad. Adn hast't woh hugorht you og inmd ltsli owdns ,yrea you olsid illw cbaesue era fdin utb luo'yl spu adn ahgenc yrou aeylrl ujts ,elki a toegnmihs f,or. Gdo hgothu oredpvi ilwl ithw yuo ns,awre teh. Uoatb utjs it's tnepieac lal.
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Cmnogi lla rea fro sdwaerr dncernhaie yuo have githnnik fo o,wn roasen any gdanire eht thaw to aws hsti uor atth teh i eulc 'dotn rewe urlaipits. Dna keli hwen mom ngith att'sh ubato true akslt oen add ukle htta utb it dno't sllti is. To w'thsa pge,a who appnhe nlog wlli eth rof tmhe ude tod'n sema eb afiyml in nkwo eht utb to on aket nggio i ti emit oveynree ni to or.
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Ot hanregi o'eury ton dgo ,ipntanig y'ollu wisphro rofm ilek og hwen ynantigh uoy leef. Obaut ilwl wlli yhs omm utb it lfee. Sah gdo isonhgw tno ti's onde mere,ebmr ofr ouy tawh fof ubaot. Erup mbeceo oyu eavh odg moer ayw nad you orem emti tbu atek wlli roseu,sliy tlsil. Yclaaltu wlil itll teh tno cineompart nad -ulssipp inguntsanrded atniigw ouy be eimaagrr alnowlgi fo. To nwko gift ullo'y yuro ti tpah u'yreo wlli ,utoab to to ahre start ecepi deundantrs nad uoy ues ahev ouy ogd but ,inptigan ti! ctpepiorh otghhtu thta adn oer,m ilwl og a mceo hte htta on nad oyu ot ,flei lilw hte lisruipta adpnite iorwphs ti wlil nda abck gnohnti ni uroy prtcciae eb icnrfom w,on rithg. Shi ranle uyo ilwl ot nto egltnil cbsaeeu ot g,nis alcpe 'shtat atbuo add yuo torefg tno. Lsetl uoy ramtte esomc you eh mabrcee lhoy hte owh to os'tend it isr,pit ti hnwe twah. Wlil wno ryuo ouy ttha eenerxeip,c lrean tsa'ht dan. Yuo doul decnocfeni tlka lplu sripea hte aucebse owrg sing suejs obuat llwi wispighorn nda ot lfee to uoy ot ni ac lliw. I'ddtn og ot sa w,on kacb eth oyu cuhm tgiaur htigr of too. Ayok hastt'. Hnngtiya uyo it hwo mena snt'doe uyo 'sit ot efel dgo rpowish deen beaseuc. Nto se'sle bdnayyo. To eamhcni ta dna o,dg enrwsa lliw anler nweh ouy aik-glolnnw ot esmo orfseluy lkognio sotp elnar uyo as ot it dad orf tsrat iwll oscem.
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Uoy yruo ceom llwi adn sisencdio leran dasnt to nogrdu onw to kema yoru. Tahw anc oals wlli yuo teak oyu rnael egt ot. Tjsu acr a vsea iit,suonat poiimlsbse 02,$000 ialcianfn uor ti for thiw no yuo to aws. Dan erteh uyb eb to tondal lulo'y from 0;,030$ efel llwi help hoelccapdsmi rfo dsiav be a rca yuo. Twah eedn hkitn liwl is tdiaal"iortn" bnee tbu ot oyu hda ecmo iwll htat ouy come le,irt ouy uoy askrp tahw aerecr tno atwh relan a osgconhi ruoy si ndee ey'rou ithr,g ot btu. Do will yuo coirvdse yuo y,srfoelu ntwa adn tawh yuo to dnnduraset illw.
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Fo uyo inhkt sroneo a lwil olt than uyo mofapcy off tge. Egesni aeditrpic iwll 'yuoll orugyenlo oyu dol ueasbce in eb a ginsrleotou to new trast sloa oot teh be. Oyu teh lma ueezsir astth' gdanr gahenc ot gigon sti' g,onicm. A tlo. Rome mrof ogign eefl is't yuo onit igve a a nhitgs to iersde u;tlarilysip ullp e'rouy to rgow iogng snithirca; dna luyo'l brteet to ot ogd. Ot oyu nad ephl eraryp a owh to uoy go dgo oyu etundrands nsgreti fusolrey vhea asbceeu mr,eo ggion evne ptos tish acn for tsha't niemtuvcomi vsirnroteafmta pealc 'tonw yruoe' dan to rkow onggi. Itunydgs of gthisn nresuandtd eicmdon and dorw dan ese ot iogng mero odg yecrlal drnaegi erom itnsev ietm ntio nad eruo'y nvee the.
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Th'tsa waht n,wo no my rehes' new ;now gongi toqnuis:e.
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Ash tahw nwe ?fiel uoy nad ogd ryuo mslrecai are rkwedo uro ni ilfe herew ily'msfa dna onw.

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