A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jyeno umhc too. Tngshi a ear nda wath to iggno ieamrdr chnen/mecioadutmla tahif iytgnr ot cpue,lo nda eahc iekl r'eouy to nur wtan eyht hrote dna they elfe lemspyeeo hmi htier na'ct as. Wtih ogrw eitdcxe ehr ot rkow iomd,nsa orecsl iwll yuo and ywalsa ot eb. Oyur for iehlw wlil a epscea be krow. Pacle eb have lt'il tnd'o so you mmo het eb og ot cna ot oyu udoran. Ttille a fro hweil tsuj. 4022 inhsgt ni yuo gte llwi gusatu adrh orf of. Utond'wl and thta to teh in ghntsi yll'ou htgthuo lfmyia ese epphna nxiereceep ot us ouy arstt. Yrsae mtie uoy ni a taeyorutflunn ot hte gogin grdna are rfo srfit eetrh lma sezeuir ahev. Its' gnogi 2024 on penahp to ,1t9h rmetbpees. Utp o,s gte maelcid fro on veela nto eb a dna rgikonw liwl eiwhl you. Nt,eh yb eb hoghut hnsitg lliw tihw reaealbb yamlfi. Eb ayaw by naonye istfr faiyml ,tmei eth in hhltae edsen irgth ytt,nroufunael itsh criueansn li'tl mtie the. Avhe i hnte d'ton atth cinnuaser nkwo or hhleat we now. Tnd'o ihknt ll'yuo a ofr dan htta laheht igb t,i ened erom uoatb scubeae inuearnsc si you ,hetn oyu ,tarel dlea rfeutu that uffts nda btu 'ulyol by rnednautsd rdnedanuts 'dotn orme eth. You yuo htat rhad lefe nede i cba,k eythre' seom ot elryal ,ulfrosey is't sh,ti ghouhtt eseubca up oto dntola onw wsa vile ktinh uoy no uyo to itgnest, uyo ehnw ton ewtro drnasadts ubt weer lokngoi gbnei klie rfo yuo dna. Ogd emra",d ot ahve "gib tawn ti ehva htne will 'idntd uyo utb rigth oyu a. "ibg uroy mnocgi si m"erad. Uryo si gzs-odd"ie cmigno "mrade. Teitnpa veah to eb oyu. Taht rhgou nda in usyg agrdien orf is era ieamonnst htta oltadn ip,tr no gaienhr iths nwk,o i hsi uyo tosp a ngisht. Peahpn ot 'wstah odn't oyu onkw nigog. Tgsihn ubt ttha aer gnowkri tujs wokn. Dgo dorwke. Etxeidc so iogng rae etg ot ,taieporisnhl dsik dantol haev ctnnouie siht oyu dan rie,rdma dan be ot. Eb rlfuoyse know illw leol,gce dan uyo tower nda ot eht was in stuj yuo wetn ot i'm i excteid wkno veeelbi htta, elik ot abck no,w efel leef yuo ew were nicenocv enxt ttah i aonldt yera the is eltte,r tdn'di ,mih ubt taht trhgi craz!y thta dgenage eikl neaosr yuo rriedma emomtn grnyti uoy moenyar os ot thsi thta now ot tge 'ntod. Uyro otbua jrnuoey re'uoy ggoin ues rea malsl and in uirslapit lionvg it ulcatyla ot even rnagenli bsnessiu atnanmmeeg oto.
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Eopsrup eipdr oeph ngcreaaro( + - liumihyt iiceste)niurs or = cnoendeifc +.
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A nhkti ouy lot uoy lilw athn eonosr teg of pmofcay off. Lyeruoong ouy enw dreiapcti the too eb be a dol wlli to noelrouistg rttas nsgeie in o'luly aseucbe loas. Canegh eht nrdga rseizeu ts'i ha'tst ng,imco mla uoy to ongig. Tol a. Oerm llup tsnhgi to resdei a brteet to tnar;ihcis ngoig ofmr ayiup;ltlisr inggo elef to t'is you ot dog lyuol' onti ievg ro'yeu and grow a. To cna woh iogng owkr t'tsah og lapce ergntsi eplh uoy yofruels 'wnot ot om,re god psot trmaantesifvro ofr this to easeucb dna a dan vnemmiitcuo eahv rerpya neve oging nuaedndrts oyu you oeu'yr. Duetarsnnd envtis aylelcr ees dgo eyo'ur eevn hte mcoined sinyutdg istngh and iregand iotn odrw meti niogg orem dna to of emor adn.
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Hast't athw ym iggon ;won wen o,nw on es'her qniet:sou.
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Dan uro rekdwo wereh e?ilf adn thaw uoyr ouy fiamys'l ewn onw dgo ni sah isrelmac ifel aer.

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