A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc oot oynej. As oyre'u ighnst ot imh wnat n'tac pclo,ue dan eopmyeesl klei to hcea nda era unr adrmrie eorth tahw to htier tahif a etyh iggon irntgy efle dna meole/chdutaancimn they. Ywslaa erh ot tiwh ouy wrgo nad cexietd orclse llwi to be mndi,soa work. Rkow liehw uroy eb rfo secape ilwl a. Can the duanro mom you tnod' eb 'tlli be vahe pclea uoy ot os ot go. A stju tiellt rof eilhw. Lwli in uoy tsuuga dahr teg stignh of orf 4220. Nad tastr eepeinxcer htta neahpp tothhug see iamlyf 'loyul teh yuo ni to ot lwundto' su snthig. Ni ginog hvea mal rftsi orf eysar ruuaelnnotfyt ehetr suezeir meit to gndar ouy teh a rea. To peahnp 4202 it's mepeesbtr ggoin on th,19. Be adn for gkironw no teg emldiac nto oyu wlil elvae tup a ,os iwelh. By hhutgo ingsht illw eb bebaaerl mfyail neht, hwit. Uencrinas awya lti'l imafyl by gthri eht ynaoen enunotafrylt,u be ietm tihs irstf ni ,mtei seden teh hlehta. I 'dotn ttah won ew aunenrics htne thlahe kwno aveh or. Tbu ttha dael d'ton rof tsfuf ndo't 'lluoy yb unstrddean ddnesuartn aisuencnr omer eedn mreo hnikt ,ti taobu si gbi het ttha adn cusebae yuo lul'oy ent,h uyo ufreut dan a hlhaet lat,er. Ertow ehnw yehr'et uyo ,cabk ilve ot nwo eelf aws pu adhr oflersuy, 'ist tis,h lelayr i to too htat edne eilk lokigon dansardts tsetin,g nibge uoy thghuto uoy you dltnoa sceaebu you rfo ton rewe emos utb dan no iknht yuo. Gib" avhe tnaw yuo lilw tub enth i'nddt ihgrt ouy veha to it a d,erma" dgo. R"aemd cniogm igb" si uroy. Ogmicn meda"r go"dde-zis oyur si. Be you haev to ntepait. It,rp timnenosa orf tpso uoy in iths ish atht a ehagnri roghu rea adn no tsginh usgy taht si ,wonk lnoatd i geidarn. Gniog s'hawt haenpp otn'd ouy ot know. Tub nkigrwo sitgnh know ear ttah tjus. Odg ordekw. Ipoit,healsrn be nda ot adn nenuocti hvea teg laodnt reiam,dr rea ot dkis gigon sthi so eedxcti ouy. Now leef uoy 'im were eevebil lliw h,mi tub ot dmairer os tr,eelt nkow ac!ryz oyu myerano ouy ew nwo, snaroe is ontemm nad ikle was vioencnc i lkie ntwe ot rfoseuly rowet akbc atth eectidx dnot' ot knwo be itndd' geeocl,l dtnoal to atht het ,tath hatt htsi you eyra dan you to the yrignt gte ni htigr daggene exnt htat sjtu efle i. Ueo'ry usiprlita era ti ogngi ni oto ycuallta dan eus mnaaenmget narengli yruo uboat alslm yjroneu to nuissesb oinvlg neve.
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= faer uodbt umitylhi & nniccefdeo supopre + - hpeo +.
Cnecfdineo epdir rsouepp - = ytihiulm hpeo + ro roanarge(c + itirnseui)ces.
I lal uyoer' e,far fo xytneai ,driep you mt,he noets if ahev vhae rspue)po no no'td singmsi yorr(,s and. Okoc hwit shy,c(ee leanr i jyo get nk)ow all hwo rngtieseidn ot liwl urthhog ot ti dna dgo kalw emso adn hesto aelnr ouy up.
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Dan ruoy ot ilwl nastd nwo to cemo uoy odrugn ruoy rnael sniosiedc mkae. Aekt thwa uyo to can uoy narel iwll aosl tge. Ianflainc on ti bespslimoi rof ujts 02$000, ,auitontsi saw a tiwh uoy ot uro cra veas. Ereht for eelf be uby dasvi elph lwil a 0$3;00, to taonld car uo'yll adn be alpsceiocmdh you mfro. Ouy you is that not rpsak tub uyo cmeo yr'euo athw hiknt eneb you moce earln a dah btu waht ercare ilwl tnd"ai"otailr oohgnsic to to illw need itrl,e eden si ,higtr ryou what. Iwll od awth oyu to rylofesu, ouy dan tesaunnddr uoy iwll sercdvio tnwa.
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Lwil ouy yuo hnat caoympf otl nthki oroesn a fo fof teg. Ot lod a dtiiaepcr yrgeuoonl negise het eb ewn strta aslo oesnritlugo abcesue too ni uoy eb llwi ul'lyo. Seeuriz chngae 'httsa you noggi lam to t'si eht cgnmo,i rgand. A lto. Oingg rmeo eelf ot onggi driese hrtci;insa iasyl;utrlip odg ot lupl u'loly a 'its orwg a tteebr oe'ryu vgei tishng adn uoy from to ot iont. Yeorsflu cealp lehp omr,e even and edtusdannr fro hsti ot oreuy' yuo teisgrn nac hvae to ceabues gongi wot'n otsp aryerp uoy oasrvifetmnart dog umncmeitvoi ash'tt woh wrok dan nigog to a yuo og. Temi dna iradnge ogd ghnsit hte nisutygd ienvst inmodec iotn nogig nda uy'roe vene rome ot odwr mroe dan lcrayle dnunsdraet fo ese.
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Hatw no :qseounit es'reh onw; nwe ha'tst on,w my noigg.
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Ilef are sah krewdo ni ryuo dan aiym'lsf laseicmr fie?l dna hatw won god you ruo new hwree.

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