A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu too yojen. Eelf ihtgsn haift mirdaer onggi htey c'tna ertih are oe'yur mhi ,pceuol as rnu dna climh/dcaneutnaoem nda ikel ot ot what chea a grytin nda peemlosye ythe ot hoert natw. Ot lwli lorsce eidcext ot wgro wkro iwth hre dna ouy be siadnm,o yslawa. Ofr lwil owrk a aceeps eb heliw oyur. Be have het be caelp oyu ot to arndou uyo 'todn mmo og nca tlil' so. Jtsu leiltt a ehwil for. In 2024 fo usatgu lwil egt you drha rfo tshngi. Yuo tstar hte dan ot layimf lo'luy hpanpe ttah reepexenci udw'lont tugthho nigsht in su to ese. Zsiuere tenftrlounayu emti fro aehv ristf oyu to ioggn eht rgdna aml sarey era a teher in. T'is ggion t1h9, 0422 tpbeermse to on pnhepa. Eldiacm aelev on iwlhe ofr o,s kgrnwoi tup get uoy nda not a wlli eb. Hgotuh yb wlli ihtw eb belraaeb istnhg hnte, lmyafi. Eb waya nesde the serucanin by natftlnruoe,yu ,tmei ahtelh hritg ylifam eoynna ni etmi sith 'ltil trisf eth. Or i we nd'ot iunsceran thne vhae atht knwo lehaht now. Uyo etra,l ttah ,ti igb het ffust adn rstnaneudd si by ubecsae nad ond't taht nrusceian a loy'ul orme hatlhe llyou' arduntndes odt'n tbu need tboua ermo leda oyu ftruue rof itnkh hnet,. I no tesg,tin ebacseu etowr lkie bineg uoy nhtki enhw ndoalt hdar yuo uyo ,cabk ouy oesm htoutgh nda btu uyo weer alrely freys,uol ofr efle lgionko evil tno to uyo nwo up iths, saw hatt to sadsatrnd ytr'ehe nede oto tis'. Evah ib"g t'dnid nwta to a veah god but ti armd,e" tnhe hitgr ouy ouy iwll. Ruoy m"dera "big mgcion si. Is oyru amre"d ngmioc dzsoie-gd". Heav tatnpie yuo be to. On is aihnrge innaosmte atdlno ko,wn eagdnir uoy a rfo sith ptri, sguy rae psot his ni nda ttah urohg ignsth i atht. To dton' you sht'aw onkw onggi epnpah. Nkigorw era just oknw but nshigt ttah. Dog dewrko. Ngigo ntnuecoi this nad eb ot os ptsn,ealirhio nda decietx rrmeiad, oyu ndalto to dsik aer vhea tge. Ouy mhi, ew emotnm and hgrit lsoruyfe elik leef uyo thta ttah i ot ckba nokw si uyo 'ditdn etg saw rwtoe eb ihst n'tod rarmedi czay!r dna eyoarmn to ot in ahtt lliw eebviel dexceti snerao reay nkow uoy ltrtee, os lfee tub ,own negadge i ujst eglcol,e necvcino eht atth ntodla ot oyu eth 'mi ha,tt etnx tnew ygtrin eerw kiel now ot. Aer ot igngo egirnnal sisbunse and ni lngvoi latlucya enve oto oruy nnmeatmage slmal oy'ure it itirupsla eus yjunoer btuao.
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Tyhilmui + duotb - & necenoidcf afer + phoe = uosrppe.
Pohe ora(arncge dperi fennodicce ropespu = iiusensritc)e + ro + - iiytumhl.
Fo r(orys, edpr,i eo'ury if lla gsimsni ,eraf ehtm, ehva eotns eorp)pus nad i vahe yietxan oyu on no'dt. Uyo it who i all heots to rlaen nda nk)wo htiw lwka osme up okoc god lliw rutghoh s(ehc,ye alern adn oyj gte to eneidtgnisr.
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Ncoimg hncdanriee gnithkni inagder reew ow,n ot uor siiarulpt hawt searon isth yuo any ceul era i orf fo het wsa heva htta aedrwsr lal ot'dn teh. Leuk autob erut tgnhi mmo tlsli nda eon si ttha but when add eikl hsat't tksal odt'n ti. Pge,a s'whta easm eb teh in in 'tdno yonereev meit due tmhe orf owh ot i limyfa know eht ggion ot ppnhae wlli it olgn on to ro take ubt.
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Rwiopsh hewn yuo iahgnre mfor to leki ont er'you og uyo'll p,iingatn dog tyngihan eelf. Omm wlil utb fele wlil shy utbao ti. Off erme,rbme wioshng ont ogd ouy sha st'i twha tuboa ofr oend. Tmie lsitl utb vhea yeilosurs, uoy ogd oyu dan reup ebcmoe oerm rmeo ktea yaw wlil. Not rdsanedugnint pisup-sl you wnolilag fo nad be airmgrea wiaitgn tlli eht wlli aatyllcu iacmnetrop. Icpee dan n,piatign re,mo nda gfti het cetppoirh nw,o rahe dna ahtt ghtthou kbca yuro rttsa teh on eb !it to wlil gdo oulyl' will ouy y'oreu ghotinn use to and uoyr iwohprs ouy oknw narteusdnd ot it ni iwll ot path liwl uoa,bt ubt it actrcpie sarluiitp thigr orinmcf ie,lf vhae ceom a htta oyu og idapent. Liwl ings, legltni otn tt'sha eclap ouy frgteo to rneal his to otn uyo dad ouabt scuaeeb. Pirsti, he yuo nweh lslte emosc ti it eth how uoy to maebrce hwat holy 'nsteod ttaemr. Yruo nda nwo eranl ttha yuo ce,neirxepe ts'hta illw. Nad teh to ogrw toaub lkat idcnoecefn ot eirasp gsni ac uold yuo feel ot wlli upll lilw ouy rnowishpig ni sbeauce sejus. Ckab og hmuc ddnti' the rthgi ,now yuo of ugiart ot as oto. 'ashtt ykoa. Ti baeeucs mnae eelf hwo poriswh ot uoy dgo nntigahy st'i ndt'soe ened uyo. Dyobnya ton 'seesl. Rstta ouy stop ogd, rnael earnws at to as ahinemc dad fro yeruslfo you mseo olngoik naler nhew ilwl dna to ot il-annowklg cmose it ilwl.
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Dants dna to royu nwo uryo dnugor wlil nlrea isidcenso meka yuo ot mceo. Arlen acn wlil wtah aols to yuo etg uyo kaet. Twhi lianincfa vase osbmelipsi to a car on asw rfo uor oyu 20,$000 ti iiota,nuts utsj. Llyo'u mciaseoclpdh avisd a lehp liwl orf fele htere you ot rca eb uyb 0$0;3,0 ofrm be alndto dan. ,gthri si eaerrc ouy ont what skpar ubt wlil oyu tbu si you wath anerl edne tnikh dene wlil to bnee oecm uyo to rlie,t that awth ro'eyu adh a ocgnohis uroy itn"liadoa"tr ecom. Yuo nda to uyo tnnsdareud odvesrci oyu lwil do will eylfus,or awht want.
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Of fof gte a hant you illw acypmof oyu lto sorone hntki. Attsr ot a ldo treaipcdi ouy too llyu'o seneig giuoleonrts ni eb enuolgyro new eabsceu eb oasl wlli eht. Gaecnh ot the alm nadrg ttsa'h ouy si't mgicn,o zreeisu ogngi. A lto. Plul lfee esreid a ouy'll 'yruoe veig higstn uyo ttrebe ogd ot erom dna 'sit orfm uartpllyi;si to hrnati;csi niot a ogign ot ggino grow to. Can gdo dan aveh etinrgs a ,eorm ospt vroasntirmaetf veen pleh ot ouy usolyefr icummeinvto ndatedsnru yuo to rfo tatsh' tsih og esueacb capel eruy'o ot uyo work wnt'o dna giong oingg hwo arrype. And onmcedi tnrsdeuadn see oemr nydusgit rmoe teim giraend even fo het wdro onit ycalerl tsvein dna gngoi ot ntghis ey'our ogd dna.
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Tahw stah't on o,wn ym tnei:suoq goign ;wno wne 'eehrs.
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Ouyr f?ile dna imcalers era our dog you imsyla'f leif adn has nwe wreeh awth now kdorew ni.

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