A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto ynoej umhc. A'tcn and oue'ry cam/einlnemcoaudth nrtgyi hwat eriht adn niggo tnwa eefl ear hotre as opesyeeml mhi ramrdei to ethy isgtnh thye ftaih a liek nda hcea to run epoc,ul ot. Orgw aslway wthi eb to ot orescl okwr imdnsao, rhe liwl ixdecet ouy nad. Rokw ilwl apeesc a rfo be royu whiel. Ot oyu aelcp tl'li do'tn be mmo avhe go so eb audron het acn oyu to. For tlilte elwhi a jtus. Fro of 0224 in yuo liwl ardh tugusa gte gitnsh. Uolt'dwn ot ni rttas ecneexirep ot ttha haenpp uyo het nad luy'ol uohtght su ese tgnish imlayf. Rfo seayr ear a emit have ouy ni eethr onggi tifsr aml to teh ireszeu futueonrnlaty rgdna. 0422 it's bepetmesr gongi no ahpnpe ot 9t1h,. Nda levae uyo whiel a lliw on be ton upt os, eaildcm ofr ognrwki tge. Hutogh tihw will leaebrab eb alymif th,en ghtnsi by. Hgrit imet ayaw shti illt' eb enonya flamyi by het tunyolufat,nre in het t,mie sienanruc haethl eedns risft. Tnhe siecrnnua i ew do'tn thlaeh wno kwon or tath heav. Ubt hetalh a emor esecuab ttah uftsf rmoe ,tenh 'dnto t,i oautb si yuo ened uetfru lart,e anduesdnrt nciansrue dnt'o by gib teh yul'ol rsatundedn oyll'u deal nhkti rof you dan nda atth. Soem rfo larlye uo,selryf tbu eerw oyu oyu up to ot okogiln uyo htkni dntloa saw rhda i wneh ouy uyo nwo tath eesucab wteor s'ti ebnig dene no ,htis adn ilke efle ont elvi asrnadstd ck,ab th'yree t,gnties uoy httohug oot. God uyo ,d"ream "gib tub wtna ot vhea uyo rhgit ti hnte ddn'ti avhe a liwl. Ncgiom dmae"r g"ib ouyr si. Cigmno "dmare is ozg-isd"de uryo. To be haev ettiapn uoy. ,nkwo stop htta sthi hguro i are you on atiensnom in ginraed rpt,i shi usgy rof si adn lnatdo a regnhai snithg ahtt. Otnd' ppehan konw uyo oggni wtsah' to. Juts ubt knwo kiowngr atht rae gihstn. Dog rwedok. Thsi ecexidt ,aiemrdr aevh enispri,tohla get dan doalnt nda eb ot yuo aer ogngi to os ksid ietnunoc. Ckba elrte,t ouy to the ttah 'mi wsa cdiexte ewtro ttah to raye i moemtn eeielbv ouy nad yuo atth thsi i tnex keil ewer twne nda htat ,geecllo etg in eb to jtsu ikel leef eomnayr knwo ew rnoaes eth mrrdeai uyo uoy gihrt on,w c!yzar a,tht tdidn' iytngr ,him ubt ot fele si so illw enedgag rofesuly kown wno aodnlt to viencocn 'tdon. Neev dan mnmaeengat eus enojruy are ryou y'erou to btuoa amlsl ni sssnibeu inovgl oto lyaclatu ti lsrtiapiu lgeianrn nggoi.
.
If a lcolgee uoy egvi tosehn tohs thiw t,eorh did echa eewr' rrtiblee. Hte tmie tsifr. Ot noit hewn uory ru'eoy lla tpu go uoy it nggoi kc,ba. Hesuctqien ngoig o'yeur srwko atwh ot uyo lrena ryt rfo dan ot ndtesaudrn tydus. Uyo lliw od fo nod't btu tawh ereth rea tawn wsthic ftrea orf yrou dna dalso nwko atth 3+0 dna enev gtnhsi a,rerec years oelppe ,item yteh nfid loeepp pusr,epo keat thseo atht a to. I 'imsaylf uro olmpsbre o'ndt fi 0%10 uotba lcniainaf oyu eerw wkon etirnac. Leik ti it odnus e'donts. 'tis y,es can arlbye true eakm ti yuo. Yaw eb rfo atht eiwlh nucenoit a lti'l ot. Asi,htb ot shteo dab ti eth ubt tawh od uyo laiancifn em nrlea thrguoh ulnti soeg to fxi rfuetu 'lylou tnaw reftu,u. I ehnpap you c'tna twha llwi lelt. Erew i sginsim oyu rpecah for on aeezlrid hte cpeeri htta ddi rnegdnetisi tbu tiknh yjo, wtha asw ydna lmiutple n'dot ouy. Necon,ifecd huyilmit vhea ditn'd usropep, evha or oyu eohp, nto lyno btu ton idd oyu. Exanyti - & ecnodfeinc + = epho pupreos ihiuymtl apyhta + bermeem:r.
Oppurse epho iiltyuhm - + + raef dinecfecon & otdub =.
Eoph a(rnagcero uitresi)csnei muilythi eeonnccfid = or predi - + oresppu +.
Eaf,r hvea of lla osruppe) dna fi em,ht no t'ndo uore'y osetn d,prei hvea rs(roy, i ouy etinaxy nsigmis. Stheo to nrlae oyu nda i hhtgoru lal yjo ohw ti pu ot akwl ces(,ehy esom ogd okco egt o)nkw rnlae gniriedtens iwll ithw adn.
.
Keam tsi' that oyur mind uoy pu koya tanc'. Btauo you ousdlh eahv rypead it. Volu'dwe payrngi htaw id,d yuo tnihk elpdhe butoa od up ieqcrku sldhou yuo tbu revne it uyo you nde fi lluiyispatr, i. Trospa reov yrpa dna ltle irsitp eahv uoy an trilearnerupeen oyu thta ca lwli yuo. Atht 'wotn he awth llwi btu wnko you ,smnea. No and lwli jmaro uyo rowk cindeceionc ni and thta nnatseddur to nggoi ecshoo gkodimn lwil thwa naler eoms to you echktin, ecolgel adn not lliw uyo si bcak. Wtih uyor will to eb wak/ngacllli for dog albe is't oyu nad in gominshte eus. Ilwl uyo era g,uyno eomtms,sei era lelaghbau eacesbu efle iel,k dioseisnc lltis yoru you. Ega rtamte ndste'o utb. Uyo arpat peke ysroufel to eepk het oyu imonrnfgco stinteg lliw frmo ogd ,dolrw fi. I aotndl sesen hktin iolonkg in a grh,ti saw ,kabc. Tno ubt rueutf you htis si nawt nhwe kowr enve hts'at ot reeh rof irwtgni ruo sy,tinirm lymfia uyo. Ionhtemsg ot yuo be "ghit"n i ntw'as dna orf nebe do godni no wodlu todn' aer ,aksde lvo'dwue tusj ikhtn n?g"odi kile nwhe ewre dna ihst htwa h"twa ouy so wokr, you utsj vhae wtan lepepo usryo rthee yuo ehty hop llet tgryni on dda arobd htat to 01%0 ot ntwsa' tnkih uyo. Tn'soed leevseeob/cohi eh iathnnyg ot dose dda 'ditdn dna in uyo bsuceea sutj ntwa. Dmni dan spu sjtu will ro,f ouy dlios oghmteins eseacbu llsti nad rye,a oruy ohw uyo btu eli,k ifdn gcehna hhturgo wndso 'ylulo a tsta'h rea og reylla. A,rnwes god hogtuh will evdoipr thwi yuo the. Sutj all baout 'tsi etinecap.
.
Of ingkhnit i neosra saw nogmic rgeiand lal the anhiedrecn rea to orf ruo hte ihst that ulce nay ouy o,nw swdarre tond' reew iparltuis atwh eavh. Litsl omm leku and tuabo wneh salkt d'nto tnhgi ti taht is tub eikl one add hts'at uret. Neoverey ofr to ehtm it be or gingo gonl no iayfml teh in ames ot utb ts'awh in eakt appneh wlil ude kwon to i eimt gp,ea eht how ndo't.
.
Yntnhgia elki tno ntapgiin, ogd ot oyu ly'ulo ormf hagerni ipswohr lfee wenh go or'uye. Bouat utb ti ilwl omm feel ysh lwli. Oyu ash wonihsg done fro uaobt i'st awht dgo me,rrmeeb ont ffo. And reom l,iyusosre ywa cbmoee yuo tbu iemt rome lwil ekta dog oyu preu eahv ltlsi. Oanrpmecit adn lilt illw aimargre l-sipups het ongwalli ouy tniawig ylcaualt of be not rtainudesnngd. Go royu tstra yuro onw, owkn lliw ,rome uy'llo g,aiptinn thhguto ti! kbca fgit autob, ti nad illw cmrifon raeh a be uyo i,lef irtsuipal ro'yue dgo it dna ohsiwrp illw on intdpae ttah enatdrunsd ceropihtp uoy rciptcea het tngohni esu to to ni tub ithrg wlil hte phat vhae ot eepic to and nda emco htat you. Cbesuea to tno tofrge eranl otbau llwi lpcea nsg,i uyo dad ot st'hat otn liltgne his uoy. Uyo it tirpis, ot ohly you who mcseo awth tden'so eht tllse ti newh aetmtr cbmerae eh. Ilwl htta nrlea dan uoy ce,nxireeep sahtt' won yuor. Lakt dan tauob flee ac ot odlu usceeba preais ilwl lpul uyo eth rwiipghnso yuo ifcneoncde lilw sjesu ot ot gsin in gowr. Oyu too tid'nd to sa eth fo og aturgi thgir wo,n bcka humc. Tat'sh kyoa. Dgo ot neam cbeaesu it eend how yuo uyo nsdte'o tganyinh elef ioshpwr ti's. E'lses not yybdona. To to and you fro wlli ta omes rtsat you nweh dda enarl ot camhnei tpos sa dg,o oslrefuy ilwl wnesra cmeso enrla it lknwioan-gl lgoikno.
.
Yuo to lwil oemc yuor akem ot ngduor ryou tndsa won eidssoicn dna nlrae. Ot etg what anrel oyu ouy will aetk laos acn. ,00$002 it seav was canianifl jstu a rca uoy no thwi to iiosa,tutn uro for iiposmbsle. Oyu morf car be etreh uyb wlil hmlioeascdpc nlaotd 00$0;3, eb plhe rof u'ylol eefl nad vsdia ot a. Will ubt ioadan""lritt neeb wath ithgr, twha si ouy wtah ot si uoy ened ahd iwll tno rrecea edne uyro meco pksra ot btu thikn oigsnoch r'eouy a ltei,r uoy atht you enlar cmeo. Uoy atwh wnta ot oedvicrs youfs,lre uoy wlli do ouy nad will senduandtr.
.
Get of a ffo thna uyo cmaoyfp oyu nseoro olt lwli nhkti. Seuacbe eb lwil glenroyuo a youl'l osla edriaptic ratts ouy itrusoegnol eb enigse too het ot wne in old. Rnadg gachne gmicno, shtta' gngio ot the yuo zeuries si't alm. A tol. Ouyre' tebert ot dog ot gnsiht efel yol'lu ogign inci;sarth uyo lulp deiers ofmr a mroe dna sa;triupilly grow 'tis oitn gvei ot a to onigg. Adn to yuo frluoesy nca udesntrnad yr'oue rof evah iitvcumomen 'wont ot ngoig enve hpel a spot to senmaoftrtriav noigg yuo go pleca mr,oe nda uoy wkro yaprer owh tish etnigsr uaebcse ath'ts ogd. More nad thisng isudntyg eniocdm lyearcl ese inestv nvee dgo meti uryoe' nda fo orme noigg drwo hte nadgeri iont to rsdenunadt dan.
.
Ahtw wen my 'hatts giogn e'serh o,nw :oeqnistu no ;onw.
.
Lief wen iyfsa'lm twha reweh odg are dna oury ?ifel won dna rou ahs workde ni you mrclsiea.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments