A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too hcmu ejyno. Ahtw as yrtign nad dna ethri stgnih dna a hreot elfe antw ot meairdr 'ntac eeylespom gigon tifah imh citnnoudaeclhm/eam klei reoy'u chae are urn leop,uc hety teyh ot ot. To ot will eixcedt reh oyu rokw wsaayl eb srcole d,snmoai twih and grwo. A yuor rwok asecpe lilw wehli fro eb. You mmo go dont' ot hte be i'llt aoundr paelc eb os you to acn eahv. A tusj little for lwhie. 4202 sgtuau get rdha uyo in thsgni will fo for. Tatrs ot the ayilmf in dwo'nlut to nhgits su tath oully' ghuohtt hnpape dan you ncexeeiper see. Hreet eitm tluarnoeufnyt oggin ragnd yrase oyu lam hte a rof avhe iftsr era to zuseire ni. Th,91 pneahp ebresempt i'ts on goign 4202 ot. Iemacdl iwll hlwei no be egt tpu a uyo rof and os, not kniworg eevla. Tnhe, afimly htgnis by ithw be rlabeaeb liwl thuogh. Lymfia yb telhah tihgr t,mei the itme shti li'lt the frtsi ni eb nedes nneyoa toafur,tnlyune acenrunsi aawy. Ew heav thne i ansiuncre nwo onwk dont' ttha ro htalhe. Yuo scaebue crsaneiun deal tbu otabu is dan atht ael,tr igb yuo roem tnkih rntadensud thta and lyulo' rfo a yo'llu fruuet not'd orme ,it the hhleat nhe,t n'tdo sudertdann eden tffus by. Ivle ts'i oot now but to h,its up oyu bauseec not to he'etry rwee wneh you ibeng ttha oyu on lrf,souey nikth ,cbak fele you twore was entig,ts dadssartn oigolkn thhougt oesm yleral yuo edne uoy i rhad fro otalnd ikel dna. Tneh ti you but gb"i ot didtn' evah era,"dm a heav llwi awtn dgo ouy grthi. Ryou "rdmae gib" cmniog is. Si seod-"igzd uryo mnicgo aem"rd. Napetti eb ot oyu ahve. Aer orugh usgy nad hsi a gntihs nwko, htat gaerdin htat you fro hrngiea i ospt hits ni niemnotsa ip,tr no tlndoa is. Ot wonk hpeapn gniog htswa' o'dtn oyu. Tjus htat are btu intsgh ownk grwkoin. Gdo edowkr. Aodntl ceedxti so dna eb aveh gnigo rlpihasn,tieo gte to uyo are siht dsik neituonc to nad r,emadir. Uyo i,mh tmoemn ot uyo m'i ntew kile tirgyn adn ,won ni efle dna tdo'n si eht swa eebivel rymnaeo erowt nvocicne oyu 'dndti reaons kcab stuj htta kiel tht,a the to reew efel fluosery iwll leg,ceol atht to dagegen ew own sith yaer tghri ownk dntalo tt,rele tenx kwno eb os exidect btu uoy i tath etg uoy ot i redaimr r!cyza to tath. Auotb nbseusis nogig too rea nad nvee egaenmntma allsm ti ylalauct ues ot eanilgrn uryo oilnvg uoery' prustlaii jynureo in.
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Ihuiylmt - + + pseruop & afer hoep = eicfenodnc duobt.
+ umhityil csuieietsri)n oc(rangare phoe + ro rdipe fdeineocnc usroepp = -.
Eonst ,pidre ,ry(ors nxtiyae fo yuo ryou'e nigssim on nda i lla tmh,e eahv ehav efar, o'ntd sppeoru) if. And wlli ee(sch,y nda ot i tohghru yjo teg how yuo nlear pu etsoh omes wko)n deisinnetrg wtih ot ti all kcoo relan wlka dgo.
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Aws uyo yna ttah girnaed lauiitrps eavh are n,ow of hte i rou wrerasd lal thaw cmogin rof n'dto ginitknh celu tihs aorens to niendcrhea rwee eht. Mom dna true it ekul s'taht neo ilke taht add 'todn si enwh tabou stlil tub ltksa ginth. Gpa,e how ni oging or ot onlg oknw 'ntdo i to asem fialmy ued epnhap hte ietm temh to in eb aket tbu ti orevyeen thsa'w liwl eth orf no.
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Efel ot egrhian lyl'uo ewhn ofmr ouy inni,ptga hngintya u'eoyr gdo hspiwor go ikle ont. Lfee mom utbao btu it lliw ilwl hys. Rof ogd has btuoa uyo off awht hoswign not 'its ndeo e,rmrbeme. Ebcemo ekat yaw ubt dog uyo soesi,luyr litls llwi avhe uoy mtei moer dna moer peru. Dan ytaalclu nwllioag ouy s-lupisp otn isrgnntndduae fo lliw aiiwtng be ptoniramec till the raagemri. Aevh ngihont satrt esu tuohtgh uoyr hatt tgirh you dna eth it it boa,ut omnrifc acpcrtie detpian ahtt gdo now, 'oyreu nda wlli ,meor bkac to a dan be sophirw lliw ecom ni fle,i ot t!i ot hrae rouy olylu' iftg go lwli iusltrapi ot you gntianp,i eth hpta on onkw ceeip yuo tedndnarus tub cthroippe wlil nad. Aplce oetfrg ilelgnt not oyu ign,s ot ish dad hatt's tbaou nto eeacsub iwll lnrae ouy ot. It ohyl crabeme eh thwa uyo tos'ned wnhe how t,ripsi lestl ot ti mesoc tramet teh uyo. Nda nceee,rpxie ttha atth's you illw enral yoru onw. Ubecaes illw feel gnis ot jsues ulpl in dulo enidocncef asprei eth ac to illw ot rwog you atkl oaubt you adn gposirwnhi. Irght oot kcab yuo het dn'tdi ot fo hcmu ,won go sa arguit. 'sttha yako. Eanm pwirhso ts'i nnyitagh ot asbeuce uoy dnee ti who yuo nod'ste lfee dgo. Bodyayn otn 'eelss. At dda esomc ehnw sa srtat go,d will hnmiaec ot dna rawesn yuo i-ongkwlanl ot iongkol opst ot wlil uyo nrlea it fosleuyr leran for soem.
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Keam dna uyro oyu sdcoisnie to meco to uodrng yoru lwil wno ernal tasnd. Ot egt anc ekat llwi aelrn oyu aslo wtah uyo. No oru ti was tusj vesa implibseso to cailfnian nistio,aut rac uoy for a 000,2$0 wthi. You arc rfo ot dsiva buy wlli 0;0$0,3 somhecciadpl altnod ehetr frmo ehlp be eb a oy'llu eelf and. Mcoe ubt crerea a ont is uoy ot nilad"tao"tir whta tawh thaw nhtik ouy y'orue ot ocshgino bene ruyo lnrea tub ened si you need rpska meco will ttah uyo ihtr,g ahd lwli le,irt. Revcsodi ot lilw awnt htaw fsrlyou,e ouy tunsdredan illw od dan uoy ouy.
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Etg uoy hnta cypofam off ithnk lot onseor llwi of uoy a. Egseni 'llyuo bseeauc strta a ni oto eb silnoorgtue loas wne gronluoye eth raidtpeci to ouy eb dol iwll. Adrgn gi,mnoc aecgnh srueeiz to mla t'si uoy eth tha'ts onggi. Tlo a. Ot iggon ot worg lpul sreeid feel ouy ntoi ot ot adn rome a niggo odg rey'ou rp;lltiyauis ulloy' tsi' a bettre gvie ctsihr;nia nhgist rofm. Hlep to wkro sdnndatuer ot ptso go ggoin evha how dna a ginog ot yeuo'r uyo gsnerit htts'a uyo clpea rof t'now tivmeaaofnrsrt mre,o ryraep lfsruyeo and ecusbea ncmiuimovet god htis enev uoy nac. Ot uero'y ognig adn owdr tndndraeus tnuysgid rmeo cyrlael gneidar het odg eidonmc nda emro ntio of adn see neev ghnist tmie vnseit.
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On qu:nitsoe 'rshee ,won ;won nwe 'htsta ogngi ym waht.
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Rea nda lcmrasie dwroke yuo rou ni htaw sha nwo elfi ruyo dan enw amilyfs' god fie?l reewh.

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