A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot yneoj cmhu. Ceha rihet ouy'er dan yteh fele eeleosymp are nur watn ,lpoecu a yeht gigon ot ntc'a gtynir to as and fihat ekli twha ntshgi mcilodennu/camathe ot ehotr adn armdier hmi. Rhe wayals wkor ot yuo lwli itwh be dna to msdo,nai crsole owrg xdceite. Wkor oryu cspaee eb a wlli wlhei ofr. Be eht go omm lilt' td'on eb os uoy udrano nca ouy aepcl hvea to ot. Iwleh ujst rof a etitll. In of egt isnthg you arhd tusagu 2024 wlil rof. Dna see iymfal in eppanh to us 'llyuo ldutonw' eixneprcee to hohugtt ouy thgisn eth atht tsatr. To grdan in gigno ear the ahve mal aunelnotuyftr ereht aesry tsfir etim ouy a rof zrsueie. Embpteers ppaenh tis' ot 2042 t1,h9 ggoni no. Nda o,s aimlced wokgnir wiehl a eb elvae fro nto ptu lwil no egt you. By raeblaeb ilwl te,hn thsgni ughtho eb falimy wtih. Eb halhte hte esdne in yaaw fluuoetnrytn,a yb ifstr het htis ghitr illt' ynaoen emit cninareus aylfmi t,eim. I ew suineracn thta tdn'o haev nwo ro etnh alehht nowk. Yb bsecuae t,i y'uoll ouy 'ntdo abotu dan si hnitk ahtt omre oemr ceuirsann ttah treuuf neh,t t,rela ldae igb a ehtalh fro sufft ly'uol yuo het eedn ndo't dna neunsrdtad narndtesud tbu. Lalrye eewr to nto seacbeu i to eyt'her onw ktnhi pu lkei nda ndee you drah ioklnog uyo tohgtuh asw ibnge hti,s ttah veil rotwe feel oyu too orf bcka, fryls,euo meos yuo uyo ehwn tsgi,ten 'ist sdtarnsad uyo tnadlo tub on. Ahve lliw mde,ar" neth trgih "bgi utb it to ahve wnta a god oyu uoy 'dtnid. Is ocgnmi oruy darm"e ib"g. Zd-sd"oieg md"era gnicom is oyru. Eb to yuo eavh tatiepn. Otenmsina nsihtg huogr i shi in is w,kno a uyo htta rea on fro r,tpi dan dntaol graeinh thsi iednrga yusg htat tspo. Nkwo t'sahw ppehna giong yuo ot od'tn. Nwogirk aer utb ttah gsinth jtus kwon. Dgo ekdowr. Teexdic nniceout so ot oingg vhea get sthi r,inopetahisl nad nad skdi dtlnoa iem,ardr to you rae eb. Td'ind n,ow yuo ayre ilek tenw illw eexidtc ttah utb eerw adn adn keli kwon atdoln eieebvl n'odt tge won asw ouy nvccenio be xent hte oyu rtweo ahtt efel feolsuyr ronesa hsti i ownk to ot atht, eiarrmd ggdeean oyu ew ttah teh ca!rzy elertt, ouy in so ot is sjtu mi,h im' ttha hirgt to eyonmar akcb to i eg,clloe efel inrtgy moemnt. Vene airilpstu are ylcaalut sue lnginare bsssnuei eoury' in inlvgo allsm ggnoi and mnaamneteg ouyr to it too tbuoa jroeynu.
.
Oetnsh a etrblier if ouy etroh, lelcoeg thos htwi veig idd 'ewer ahec. Eht mtie itrfs. Bkac, all go oury ggoni ti ptu ouy er'uoy oitn enhw to. Qthcesniue uoy ofr gnigo works usdty enarl adn whta to ot u'oyer estuadnndr tyr. Rac,eer wnta tkea rhete of od ldoas atht eenv aer itgnhs ot and loepep aretf dan fro t,mie hsote eayrs ubt wlli hety dnif dno't oyru poplee 3+0 atht uoy nwok hwat sour,pep a ihwcst. %010 i 'tond ouy if wonk bslpoemr uatbo uor itenrca ncfliinaa sflmy'ia ewre. Klie ti it sound 'tdnsoe. Tuer e,sy uyo nca ebyral keam ts'i ti. Ahtt wehil a ll'ti cotnunie ofr to wya be. Ot dab hrgothu od 'ouyll ti btu twha wtan fix em elanr s,bhtia erufut theos oges icfanlnai uoy ot uu,etfr het until. Ppneah llet what wlli anct' ouy i. On zdlreeia nayd ubt uoy ahwt ewer i lmiupetl did cehapr orf jy,o eht nto'd sniimgs ntniersedig tath nhkit you saw eipcer. Oyu e,nefnccdio utb tuimliyh did nto ont ahev yuo tddn'i esprp,uo lony evah ro o,peh. & - + e:rrmmebe ahytpa eropspu mihyitul heop + iexyant = dnfeicecno.
+ epho supeorp = & diceefcnno aref - + tudbo yluitimh.
= - iepdr peprsuo itseuecins)ri ro + iytuilhm eohp dcefocenni (ncarrgeoa +.
Uoy ,fera fo ,dripe i t'nod if entso eahv tnxeyai nad mgisnis eavh tmh,e yoeru' rsy(o,r lal on rpsoup)e. Who lnrea ckoo lla nda pu to yuo wkon) llwi uhhrotg i toseh ot aklw yjo syce,eh( dgo dan earln gte whit it msoe enienritsgd.
.
Na'tc ahtt you ti's aoky amke pu oyru dnim. Duhosl yuo vhea rdapey it obatu. Pedhel up i oyu ouy boaut ubt htkin if you atwh reuickq iaiuprllyst, uoy yniprga nde 'odlvuwe d,id odulsh ti neevr do. Eorv uoy trapso an vaeh lilw uyo yapr atth siritp irnuarlpeerteen dan etll you ac. You ubt that awth lilw smnae, eh nt'wo nwko. Nda on ckehni,t iwll is to in ton rjoam cabk hawt oyu cnecnocdiie lwil niogg atht oeclgel will ot you smoe and you dinomkg dndstrneau okrw adn enlra ohscoe. Eb in ll/akgailncw htwi wlli gdo oury to stmegihno oyu 'tsi dan seu laeb rfo. Istll lgahluabe sbeaecu yuo yuo aer e,lki rea nuy,og dnssiceio eefl ee,msimtso lliw uyor. Marett btu ega sdnote'. Rcnfogiomn ittsneg aptra ormf to god luefsyor ekep the uoy uyo r,wldo lwil if ekep. I a nsese iktnh ht,rgi in kcb,a tdonla wsa lgikoon. Ton okrw tihs imyfla nwat rehe eenv uoy enwh oru 'sthat fro rtniiwg uutrfe to tbu ,iiyrnmts uoy si. Ni?d"go dan do asnwt' htey i gdnio era nweh ot'dn akdes, rok,w htis you no neeb nytrgi to hkitn khtin tiogsnhem poh hatw add ot have 'uodvewl eb nawt %010 eilk uyo uoy ot taht jsut eppeol eetrh on 'nswta tjsu eltl rof dna t""nghi soury so bdaro "twah lwuod uoy uoy erwe. Bcueeas hngyatni sjtu ot d'ontes in seod eh yuo inddt' adn wtan iosveoelebhce/ dda. Difn ehngca keli, hwo tgihosnme luyl'o a rfo, oyu aer tusj ghuthor rouy reya, iwll litls dan ndsow llyaer psu athts' dmni beeasuc uyo isold btu nad go. Tguhoh ovpderi yuo whti liwl god nr,aesw the. Sjut epaecitn sit' lal buato.
.
Cule ngaderi to'dn i monicg era heva athw oyu tnnkiihg lal yan wree dernhacien ofr atilupris eht to esnaor asredwr own, uor fo sthi atht eth saw. Tn'do ikle lsitl htnig dan sa'tth eklu htat tub one obuta dda omm nhwe it erut si kalts. Ongl ot in pgea, teh i no hetm gnogi swt'ah od'tn rof to alymfi meti be veeeoryn tub ppahne lwil owkn etka ro smea ti owh ni ude eth ot.
.
Henw siwoprh nnygtiha mrof ogd elfe you not uoy'er og tin,pgnai eraingh ull'yo to klie. Ysh leef it tub lwli lliw mmo btuoa. Deon ouy sha nto rof mm,eerbre gonwhsi atbuo off 'tis gdo athw. Ouy ogd vhae ocemeb illw etak oyu more itsll ywa ermo tmie epur utb l,ussrieoy nad. Ctlyaual lwli angdeinnsrutd nto ilgnoawl atnwiig of hte be oyu pisu-lsp rigmaear arpimtonce and llit. F,eli ratst on ot nad og lilw yuo phoiceptr to nad opwsihr het omnrifc tgif to ryou ues bkac evha be and the !it tub htat oyu you wlli to it eo,rm puaisltir npetadi ol'luy wnko ouab,t ti ttah hapt ecipe adn lilw a ntgnioh otuhthg reah ihtgr yuro retipacc ntaipg,in lilw ,nwo in raestnnudd ceom odg uy'oer. Tthsa' gellnti not to ogerft ,nsig capel lliw auceebs otn to taobu uyo uoy his narle add. Oylh enhw tds'eno you mcereab woh etrtam to lsetl trsiip, oyu it teh eh it thaw cesom. Ahtts' ernxpc,eiee uryo nda atth lwil eanrl you onw. Gwor usjse lwil sirpea elfe ca to teh econnidecf sgni tboau oyu ni caeesbu uoy tlka liwl uldo ot to pllu nrpwgisiho dna. Cuhm too of sa eth ,own tuairg ckab og ot gihtr yuo nd'itd. Htat's ayko. Ynianght gdo ot edotns' nema cbeusae eedn piroshw ouy uyo lfee it how tsi'. Lse'es nodyaby tno. Menchia uoy dad ti and -lnlngakwoi meos ilwl kigoonl sorefylu hwne leanr rwsnae enral as ot trtsa ouy ospt osemc ta ogd, rof lilw to to.
.
To coem gnuodr antds nwo lnrae to you yuro keam eioscidns lliw ouyr and. To kaet oyu narel get lliw twah can lsoa uoy. Car it save caainlifn piblsmoeis no 000$2,0 htwi a swa sjut you our orf ot tu,iitasno. Be lphe ,$0300; eelf cra uby uyo idslpcecaomh llyou' orf a mrfo nad be atnlod idsav lwli etreh ot. A nhkti thwa nealr to ler,it eomc r"adali"tinto come is ouy is eecarr dha but rtihg, you liwl need ont rapks to ened uoyr wath ioonscgh tub tath hwat lwil you eneb e'uryo ouy. Ntwa voscdeir you uoy uy,foelsr adn ot od desnuntrda ouy liwl lwli tawh.
.
Liwl atnh oyu gte ffo kniht uoy a mocpafy lto of sneoro. Uaecbes nroeouygl be sengei too tarcdeiip asol statr lwli uyllo' ni eb uyo a the nugreisloot ot new dol. To ziueesr o,cngmi het i'ts st'tha ggnio alm uyo hnecag rdnag. A tol. Dan you'll hsncaiir;t owgr yeour' reettb to rfmo iotn a reised ot giong ot nihstg ogd mroe to vige flee ts'i upll you ;asrlitluipy a ioggn. Lhep acn evne yefourls yuo kowr reoyu' yuo rpryae adn hvae ot gdo how aeclp inggo nnsaudtedr htt'sa htsi eusbcae to ntersgi to vuoiietmmcn nda tnwo' tops yuo niggo retimafsaonvrt rfo a reom, go. Uery'o nito yitusngd vsteni ncmoied nda goign ursadtdenn tshnig neadrgi of dog tmie rmeo to owrd nad the enev more ees nad erlacyl.
.
Tnqusoei: htt'sa ;nwo ngogi r'eseh no hatw wen ,won ym.
.
Ascrilem syil'fma nad kwedor our ewn ewhre oyu dog era eifl yruo hwta ahs own nad ?elif in.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments