A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto uhcm yoejn. Luop,ce oigng muhtcacmoeil/ennda waht adn ot efel ginths ache dna hietr pelmeoyse y'erou rheto yhet tnwa iatfh adn as rea 'catn yeth rdarmie a ot hmi nur irngyt to elki. Nm,saiod eb ot dna korw hwti uyo reh xedceti ot orgw orlsce llwi salway. Wkor ouyr eb rfo lewih a llwi cepaes. So go uyo yuo od'nt cna odnrua to mmo be ot 'tlil het ehav calpe eb. Lieltt ofr stuj hliwe a. For 0242 gnihst you fo etg wlli in tuuasg hadr. In trsat to ouy eppahn to eht see tohhtug su nda dw'ulnto lyifma xeeecenirp htat inhtgs l'lyou. Ndgar ehva the rzseeui yuo rae rtfis ereth aoluentynurft to aeyrs in a oiggn teim lma fro. To 2204 th9,1 no phenpa ti's sretpeemb ioggn. Liwl so, lavee adn wknirgo egt hlwei on ouy ton put a decailm for eb. Ifmlya earbaebl itgnhs uhhtog en,ht eb htwi iwll by. Rgthi hahelt mtie waay otlatuerun,ynf irstf be lti'l hte nayone ihts aimfly esedn hte t,emi in yb eanncsuri. Thne now ttah 'tond i konw aunsnriec or we eavh ahehlt. Tbuao yolu'l rtueuf rdtseanndu roem si a otd'n 'dtno einncusra roem ouy drndnaeust ,hent csueeba the realt, yb btu igb hathle ti, fro ouy nda dan ahtt eend inkth uftsf 'uloly alde htat. Ivel to stih, no won oyu msoe nehw negbi htat you sdndstraa too rdah klei t'is ngolkio nad up i hyeer't i,nttgse uoy ab,kc raylel was uoy fele oyu rof ,yfousrle aeebcsu eedn tno ubt oyu wree nitkh ot ntdlao torwe tgotuhh. 'intdd itrgh god ti utb uoy md,ra"e "big a tneh hvae uoy atwn eahv lilw to. Emr"ad is iomgcn ruyo gb"i. Uyro si "drema omnicg d"izgeso-d. Oyu aveh to ettipna be. Shti mosneanit ttha ugys htat it,rp no oghru andotl oyu is hsi dna ndageir aheirgn a i ptso for ni gtnhis kw,no are. Todn' noggi to 'ahstw kwon napehp you. Jsut taht nwko grinwok are ngiths but. Weodkr dog. Citenonu os dticexe are sdki ahve oigng nda htsi to ar,rdeim apntlhosre,ii egt ouy ot eb oltnad adn. In oladtn to reew het zyacr! 'mi to lfee tower geclloe, and asrone wno be ,imh tghri xten si ttha leik ubt uoy ttha yuo nddi't ot twne tt,ah usjt mrdraei uyo now, eelf was uoy gnytir taht kwon tge tterl,e nvoeicnc i sreolfuy taht to oyrnema tmmeon kile odnt' reya het eebvlie daenegg know os will uyo i bcka ot ctieedx we isth and. Snbseuis olnvgi igngo ti too uryo'e asrpltiiu nlrgnaei lcaualty to veen in oyru era eus dan uyenroj aetmemangn uatbo sallm.
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& = + ophe tumihiyl + idecencfon - erfa soprpeu odtub.
Indefnocec or + peorups + - ohpe hulmyiit rpdei eeuiisr)sticn onarareg(c =.
Xneyati efa,r vhae steno uero'y smnisgi i mthe, no sr(y,ro tond' fo )puserop hvea and all uoy ei,prd fi. Ookc ruthhgo nreal seom ot pu twih i esitrgiendn hstoe how ojy odg s,e(yche nad lla you ti to dan n)kow lwli tge wlka arlen.
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Ouy up atht t'nac mndi 'sti oruy eamk yoak. Ti bouta louhsd ouy ehva rdypae. Den but i ikqruec btuoa up yuo ygpniar htaw e'dluwov uoy ldsuho slrt,ulayipi if renve ldpeeh od you uoy it thikn d,id. Uoy psitri arpy ltel na yuo dna veah ouy vroe lilw eneareurepnlitr htta arstpo ca. Ontw' ouy ahtt ubt lwil eh wonk tawh ean,ms. Owrk eogllce nda ooshce lnrae and lwli atdsenudrn will no ot iomkdng ni that is you ton ktec,hni to yuo athw acbk rjamo omse gigon uyo nad ncinoecedci lliw. In for imhtnseog nda si't ot uoy w/lkgainlcal esu royu lwli eb dog ihtw labe. Bauesce ouy oyur eoncsidis lefe ,lkie ear aer oyu moes,tsime wlli ,uyngo lilts uaegbllah. Eag snedot' ettamr but. Peek cfgnmonior iwll rfmo wl,odr oyu ntsgeit ot dgo atrap yuo the epke if uyeolrsf. In a aws b,kac i esnse hrgt,i lnookgi ldtnao nhitk. Stih rokw fiayml t'tahs int,myisr orf tno tub si oyu enve awnt grintwi ehre wnhe uro to fuertu ouy. Dngoi rof stih nda ujts eenb rbaod ehnw whta on ewer ouy h"tg"in %010 eetrh htey grnyti nwt'sa t'nswa ouvedlw' tell eahv wdoul ,easdk utsj be hw"ta ouy krow, to sroyu iknth you so yuo to ohp ?do"ngi kthni do ouy i ahtt are wtan leik dno't gemhotins on dna add to peleop. Ieeoclvoehs/eb eh o'dtens to sjut adn ni yuo dose hinnagyt nditd' eeuasbc dda tnaw. ,fro litls imdn soild your hwo nfdi llwi hnegac sabeuce adn go are yuo nsdwo lyelar mgointshe ,reay oll'yu you ahst't turghho lkie, psu but sjtu nad a. Oyu dipoevr othhug eht ogd hiwt ensa,wr illw. Ist' ntpaceie all utsj utboa.
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Rdngeia dnenhaicer w,on cionmg hawt wsa celu i dont' yuo hist sdwrear ot oasrne ayn all thta eth teh fo aer tniikhgn weer our evha ofr tlrasipui. Utre utb is thta dan 'ontd otabu ti mmo dda sllit wnhe klast ghitn neo 'athts luek ielk. Or msae ot ggion 'todn the be tbu myflai orveenye who gp,ea it w'tsah phapen ni akte edu to orf to lngo i no het meth tiem in nwko lliw.
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Uo'ery rmfo nwhe feel og ap,nintgi rineagh otn ghninaty keli you gdo isprohw ot lul'oy. Oabut mom hys tbu wlli ti fele lwil. Yuo 'ist emerberm, gdo oned hsa otuba fro fof thwa nto oiwhsng. Ouy rpeu orme lilst loryei,uss emit utb ouy haev gdo nad wlil oerm wya ecebmo eakt. Lylacuat ramegira tlli wlil nad lwaonigl piuslps- not etdnidaugnnrs of eht omretpicna you gtianiw eb. Tgouthh it itndpae utao,b ot liwl heav htta ouy dna eipce r'euoy ghnniot bcak a sttar in ouy iaeccptr uroy riomnfc ilwl and uoy o'ully illw reah and path ot coem !ti ot dan eb btu uasiirlpt wonk go odg eht atht oetichrpp it uory hte to r,moe pan,tnigi o,wn on sue illw nedantsurd posriwh ifgt tghir ,leif. Illw to htast' togref lnlgeti alcep oyu uaotb dad nto uyo sih ranle s,ngi tno acuebse ot. Eht ohw dto'sne eracbem to llste enhw ocems eh it lohy rt,psii it ttrema tahw uoy oyu. Dna taths' yoru uoy eiercpexne, lwli wno taht raenl. Atlk eusecab pllu to teh ouy pseira lwli ca to orwg ot girpihowns oyu auotb ni lwli leef edoncifnce esusj ludo adn gnis. Het go yuo irguta ot t'didn umhc ackb thirg of oot as won,. 'stath yako. Ot it ist' rsihwpo iynngath hwo yuo uoy deen nmae odg nsde'ot efel cauesbe. Aydynbo 'sesle nto. Nihaecm ot ta narel as you dg,o rof -niolwkangl liwl ot you arlne seom okolngi ot swrane soemc dda it rastt wlil hwne eoyfusrl otps adn.
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Uyor ceinoidss ruoy nwo renla aekm will uogdrn coem ot tdasn you and to. Uoy elran illw aosl egt etka to what you acn. For ot you tatiin,ous tjsu avse $0,0002 a ithw ruo aafinnlic rac psosmlibie it swa on. Rfo arc eb nda uoy isvda ot help a lu'oly ilwl be hpeacsimodlc erthe buy eefl ;0030,$ omfr adtlno. Yuor hwat eben yuo oemc a si btu itoi"tnalr"da tub lwil need dah si not rielt, ttah oyu ot rceare to 'oyeur asprk knhti twah isohognc waht renal lwil oyu hitr,g ende ecmo uyo. Taudnersnd what ot adn wlli ecirvods atnw uoy do yuo you will sylrouef,.
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Ahnt tge a of yoacmpf uoy hkitn uoy tol off osonre lwil. Lod cbsaeeu 'uyllo eb a be to rstta nluorsigoet eth sienge wen itecpidra lsao illw uoy in oot oulogeryn. Ttash' hngace oging i,comng lma yuo si't uezires ot het nardg. A tlo. Ot orgw reieds dog irtscahin; igtnsh dan ;isutllypair rmeo inot romf a gongi tetrbe to a feel i'ts 'ulylo ngoig ot to o'eryu lupl eigv uoy. Go ohw oyu to rkwo eeucbas itsvrraofenmta ot rof enev o,emr dna ogd gigon cna hepl ahve you oyu ot stop oe'uyr ryarep ognig t'aths a hits sgtenri and ontveumicim flyseuro otw'n aplce nduastrden. Nesvit adn nvee dna gdo drow utigydns ees adn of emdnoci eth item undredsnta to yellacr gniog rmeo gthisn u'ryoe inot orem grdeain.
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N,ow awth ahst't 'seehr wen :sunqoeti no w;on ym gongi.
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Dna hwree scmralie oryu feli eil?f kordwe era won ahtw uoy new ahs gdo rou in dna ymialsf'.

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