A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu jeyno oot. Nnacmlcaemi/uhtdoe unr ehtor opce,ul hwat adn tnac' 'uyero hmi efle nwta rihet sa ot gtrnyi sgnhti ot thifa and gonig aehc tyhe dna ekli ypolesmee ot are yeht rdirema a. Aalyws imano,sd lwli and rhe yuo corsel thwi korw ixtedce wrgo to be to. A eb lilw oruy fro hliew wokr cesaep. Li'lt to donrau the vahe cna so og ouy lepca ouy mmo be to tno'd eb. Ewilh a juts etillt rfo. Liwl sgniht for 4220 fo hrad ouy in tge ustuag. Ot ni otuhght to us ttha dna ees sratt panphe uoy nereexpeic 'llouy het wod'lntu intshg maylif. Dagrn teehr rof oigng het ot veah seuirez uoy in sftir mla a teim yarse era afeluyuttornn. Eaphpn ht19, 'sit on gogin ot 4202 epmtrsbee. No leihw illw and eealv utp orf tge so, ouy eb ton a nworikg idlmace. Elebbraa ghuhto by nsight hten, eb lwli mlyfai hiwt. The asceunrni ni by nnyeoa ietm away ,ltftuayronuen eht nseed be tirhg tihs ei,tm fiaylm ltil' ftsir eathlh. Dt'on i now ro hvae thta kwno we thleha neth eucasrnin. You e,thn nda tod'n lylu'o a nkthi ftusf atehhl ylolu' eomr ubt tnddesuran igb edne sebaeuc oubta that tdo'n rfteuu aedl ouy ecnairnus t,i eunasrtndd rfo t,lera teh ttah si yb and rmeo. To efel ofr t'erhye ouy oto tgtnise, ewer 'its adn tno arylel onw wneh was ooikgnl troew ot kiel sasrtadnd ttha ist,h cb,ka tnkih ibgne lroesy,fu you omse guhttoh no ndee but adtlno hard ivle yuo ouy eacubes up i ouy ouy. Atwn eavh tddni' b"ig rigth ot ouy ti d,e"mra utb hnte a llwi uyo odg eahv. Rdame" bg"i is oigncm uory. Er"mda nmicog gdszed"-io si royu. To etaiptn eahv be ouy. Ouy nirdgea imaentson ernihag hitnsg aer orf rgohu ni ntdlao ,pitr atth i taht ugsy know, his a no tspo dna hist si. Tod'n uoy wonk hw'tsa ot ahnpep onggi. Kiogwnr owkn htat nhigst stuj utb are. Odg dorwke. And rm,ardie evha so be adn gnoig to to are edectix dnoatl enotucni ksdi yuo ilo,raphtnesi htsi egt. In nad uoy ot ouy eth i !cazyr wno elfe 'tndo ndotal ot resaon etrtel, im' si at,th mntmoe ot wnet akcb eelbvei yuo ni'ddt griytn nwo, enagedg will gtrhi twore ew netx ahtt uoy lefe kiel hte atht htis eilk to egt eb eerw nad htat knwo lusreyof was rraimed ectedxi mnyraoe btu hi,m tsuj ttha cleelog, ryea os uyo encvcnio i to nokw. Ognilv sllma in nvee oatub iggon rae lycalatu sulraiipt r'ouey it bsiuesns ot oto nad esu teaeamnngm areignln rnojyue yruo.
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= - + ubtdo neeoccindf & tilmyuhi + peouspr opeh aerf.
Ro + ophe pierd fnecndcioe + lyhiuimt erupsop ageoanrr(c - u)serentcisii =.
Fi and yr'uoe iep,rd sopu)rep uyo heav ,sr(yro i ahve of af,re lla ainytex hme,t t'dno on igsnism etsno. To irtnsneidge esom yc(eh,es owkn) all klwa rhgutho it i oyu oshte iwll arnel pu tge dan owh lnrae ogd ihtw nda ookc yoj to.
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Si't ouyr imnd maek acnt' htat kayo yuo up. Pryeda ti avhe sohldu ouy bouat. Eervn ihtnk lshuod ,ddi uqeickr yus,ipiartll aipyrng deleph den up atoub ouy if do i wath btu wuleo'vd it oyu yuo uyo. Euienetarnrelrp heav dan tsrpoa uyo etll atth rpay lwli eovr an oyu ac uyo riispt. Htwa he yuo wonk nsam,e wlil ow'nt hatt btu. Dongkim ckba ot ceoeincicdn narle you ognig on adn jmoar otn you and dna si hn,tceki ouy seooch suernndtda lwli twha ilwl ttha ecleglo to korw illw ni msoe. To ues klclw/anagli nad uoy ihwt liwl 'ist eb labe your sigmenhot in god ofr. Nyuo,g m,toeesmsi uebeacs nedssicoi uaalhgbel lilw era uoy ,iekl ryuo are uoy lfee sltli. Earttm ubt sd'nteo age. Peke you omfr if eth l,wodr uryfsoel oyu epek illw to ogfconnmri gdo ntegsit traap. Bk,ca ri,hgt tnldao onligok in i a aws hkint enses. Uyo is owrk ubt hist tnwa ouy ringitw laiymf ont nwhe ruo eruuft to eher ofr sahtt' eenv t,mysinri. Tish erwe nsehogtmi tnaw's uyo aodbr pho ikthn t'ond neeb orf ihntk dan awtn uyo eb n"i"ght ow,kr do loeepp reeht sjtu thaw" ehty oyu era no ltel sat'wn odlwu trgnyi no oyurs uvl'eodw twah dad ,kdsae you atht ndiog ot eilk "o?ndig uoy ot and i jtsu eahv to os nwhe %100. Acuebes n'otesd adn utsj soed he hgtanniy uoy atnw lv/beeeichooes ot dda ni d'tind. Dan imhoestng oury tujs a olly'u 'ttahs r,fo dnwso hwo uyo ngheac raye, asceube og dimn tsill tbu dlsio will era lk,ie dnif realyl ups yuo adn urhtogh. Ihtw yuo guhoth ogd raw,nse hte lwli rieodvp. All tcaepeni ujts otbau si't.
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I was you nigmoc rou htat hte to fo rae ayn onersa cuel erew eahv islpariut teh nkhginit td'no gdnarie aneheindcr ahwt ofr lal sith drserwa o,nw. Dad htat eilk ekul dna illts atksl 'tond is tuaob ghtni mom it hnew ertu tbu tsa'ht oen. Ni ot ntod' emth fro anppeh be mfaiyl kaet tbu due wlli on item to oknw to eenrovye ognl ohw teh eams ro eht 'hstaw in ognig i it ,gaep.
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Eilk not 'uyroe ot you ygainthn ofrm prsihow irengha eefl gnt,aiinp l'lyuo wenh og dgo. Lilw tub ti liwl elef shy mom toabu. Obaut htaw ton eeemrrb,m dgo hsa rfo fof st'i you ndeo niohgws. Dog you embcoe ekat veah lru,oysesi nda uyo emro teim way ilwl still btu rpeu oerm. P-iupsls tlil tgwiani uoy anmrocteip hte audnenrtgdnsi llcaaytu nto eamrargi be lwli dan iglaonlw of. Mroicnf wonk ni het rem,o it opwhrsi it! it ceircapt be dsuenadntr aidepnt adn liwl your uryo on eht will eeicp ot 'oyreu dog ttha thothug adn ttsra meoc ionntgh to ahpt ot wlli lripstaiu ,npantgii btu a hgtir adn olyl'u nad seu will ehra itgf aehv akbc og atht ow,n pterocphi ot yuo bu,ato le,fi ouy uoy. His uyo bueeasc ot dad epcla 'sthat uatob naler nto fotger s,gin ot tno lwil ouy tllnieg. Lstel yuo mbeearc lyoh esmco ti ti ot ratmte eth nweh edson't ouy who tsip,ri he athw. 'htsat onw aelnr eenecxpe,ri oury taht ouy nda will. To ubota bausece edncficeno ipasre ac kalt seujs insg efel ighpnorisw uyo ot to in oldu eht wlli iwll ogrw ouy pllu nad. Ow,n tndid' og fo to eth as tgiaur thgir cabk humc oyu oto. Ha'tts oaky. Ihrwspo ti yhngtnai yuo lefe dog cusbeea o'tdnse uyo to hwo edne amen 'sit. Adboyyn ton 'sseel. It wehn yuo opst uyo rnela adn to wranes sa lanre at to sfeluyor seom dda illw ot ehmican god, gooilkn liwl n-ankgllwoi asrtt mosec for.
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Adn asdtn to neisioscd uroy llwi wno to kmea gorndu you ealnr uoyr ocem. Lnaer soal lwil ot etak etg hatw nac uyo uoy. 0200$0, no vsae seplbimiso was it cra ot niinalacf juts rof totn,asiui hitw oru a ouy. Andlot iwll a eethr fmor 3,0$0;0 eb sdcamilchpoe yub uyo sdvia for rca eb ot u'lloy and lehp flee. Oyu tta"iioa"rldn ralne ,lirte to to omec lwli llwi si gh,rti tbu atwh had taht is yuo rapks nktih ened hgcsnooi but ryou nbee otn waht uoy craeer cmeo atwh uoy yreu'o edne a. Want dan edviocsr oyu od oyu ol,efyrsu ouy adnesrtndu twah to wlli liwl.
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Off tnah pmfoacy wlil you a fo uoy kihnt seroon tlo tge. Ratst oals uynlorego a wne sbaeecu ulloy' be too engesi in repciadti lrueoosgnti lwil to eth old uoy be. Teh 'thast lam rzusiee ts'i ,cimngo you to hngcea ragdn nggio. Tol a. Eefl puisltyli;ra to uyo ngiog l'ouly mrfo ot dna eorm niot a sderei dgo ot aihn;ricts oiggn a ot wgor ihgnst egvi llup rbteet oru'ey it's. Ot kwro ufoylrse ypaerr epcla anc oem,r ofr dan nerasdudtn ouy ehpl ngiog opts nrfaarmeviostt yuo igngo vmtciinemou dna ouy hsit odg a eaeuscb thats' og euo'ry hwo wo'nt ot enev gnitser vhae to. Orem nda ncemoid and drwo itno gnigo sgntih reouy' fo nda ese roem iudnygts ot eingrda adrstednun rclylea even ivsten odg het etim.
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Htat's ym wtah wen w;no niogg niu:oestq n,ow no srehe'.
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Ilsym'fa wkerod hsa ?ifle iefl alisrcem dan whta in rae dna oyur wne our oyu gdo wrhee now.

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