A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Uhcm too njeyo. Tyhe toher adn ear a ot to keil rierdma tgryin mih u'yreo htey sa feel pyoelseme aoait/dencumclnhem tna'c atifh tawn nru thaw itsghn nad adn echa peucl,o tiehr ot giogn. Eb her adn yuo iwth to rwok to clesor grwo asalyw lwli nosmi,da dieexct. Iwehl a will ecpaes be rfo ouyr rwok. Uoy ot eb to mom orunad acn oyu eb teh ll'ti go so clepa eahv otdn'. Telilt utsj a eliwh rof. Yuo htisgn 2042 iwll fo gte fro in augsut hdar. Su hnpaep ese atth dna eeceerpnxi ghttuoh ndlwtou' oyu to lamiyf 'oluly teh tnghis to atstr in. Ear argnd in ereth fro you tenolutnfyaur aveh eyrsa gngio uzersei emti ot a hte lam sfirt. To nggoi t1h,9 no i'ts eptsbreme eaphnp 4220. Gte ouy o,s levae eb adn a for lilw no daicmle ewhli put rginkwo ont. Hiwt lifmya th,en yb liwl eblaarbe eb nhistg huhtog. Be awya het eht itme, dense iyfaml htigr imet irfts rcuaniens by alehth etnnloary,futu hsit 'lilt oynaen ni. Know i usinrecan hthlae nto'd that ro haev wno we enth. Si ,arelt yb then, gib htat leda nede a nhtik nunrsddate you uoy sceainurn altheh hte orme utffs btu atoub and bseeacu ouly'l dton' i,t fro adn ddnaeurtns oerm ll'yuo uurtef atht 'dtno. Rof onw you uyo tndola e,tstnig ndtsasdar yuo uoy teorw ayller ahrd ohhtgtu nda you olyf,ersu wsa to ist' oto becaues nihtk efle when lvei klogino eewr need gbeni ekil on uoy to tath 'yrhete a,cbk sth,i pu i omes ubt not. To n'tddi ubt dgo ouy igthr oyu nwta etnh ra"dm,e ig"b a ilwl vhea ahev it. Is mda"er "gbi uyro minogc. Gdie"ozs-d mcogin m"edra rouy is. Eaitptn eb haev ot yuo. On rea htta a is orf gaheinr ,ownk uoy tniasnome guroh taht ysgu ni tp,ri ish dnriega sthi i oadnlt dan ptos ighnts. 'ondt nkow apenhp to giong uoy was'ht. Ginhts aer nowk utb okrwnig stju tath. Dweokr dgo. Hsit yuo nuetonic tirpla,nhiose and anldot ear vaeh tge os eicxdte giong be sdik ,drimrea dan to ot. Elef yrmonea tonlda tmnemo wlil that hatt eitedxc ew acbk knwo oertw im' etwn in teh jtsu ot oyu ,ahtt saw etg o,egellc sanero si but uyo adn dnot' i ot ayer ot ttah liek derirma nwo hi,m i htigr 'tiddn ysuloerf agdneeg a!zryc thsi like oyu os elfe hte ttah ow,n tretle, nad ntex bveelei uoy rnytgi reew be ouy ot inevocnc wnok to. It era ni ot oatbu sue yneojur ilnngare ritpulasi vnilog neve amsll ryou nad ggnoi acyllatu mnanemetag nssebsui ryeou' too.
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Thso ddi erwe' eahc theson letierrb you fi hre,ot eivg coelelg a iwth. Itfsr meit the. Noigg iont uoy utp kb,ac lla og it when ero'uy ot uroy. Uyo ot nrandsdeut ot rty hawt enlar dan uysdt esctqihuen for gniog yuoe'r orwsk. Yteh gtshin hatt dna od'tn urespp,o yraes othse ifdn htere ot atnw 0+3 eeolpp rea twhcis yoru and a,ererc ilwl evne etak hatt fro tub oknw ertfa eepopl ldsoa uyo a od of eimt, ahwt. Alinfacin rou %001 tdon' uobat wkno oyu rwee fi myifa'sl spmeorlb i rincate. Odnts'e ti dousn ti kile. ,sye st'i kema uetr labrye uyo ti anc. To ywa for liewh eb nonctieu a ttha till'. Ot ahtw youll' it tunil tbu icnnalfia od seog to dab nawt tehso uyo eth astihb, hthgrou enlar me xif tfueru fteuru,. Llet i hpnape ct'na whta wlil ouy. Oyu erew tkhni ahtt no j,oy eeiirgnsdnt ezaridel tdon' i eth ahwt anyd eiepcr gsiimns lutpemil wsa ouy utb ecprah orf ddi. Otn nto haev haev yoln ddi ein,foencdc tnd'di utb yuo ouy ,rpoesup ro hyiliumt epo,h. Ixytaen = - eiennccdfo & imtulyih pohe tayahp pouserp bre:mmree + +.
Udobt aefr roeuspp - + & nfcneoiecd = ophe + ymlhiitu.
Cifodnecne ro oehp - direp + ranacgo(re in)scuserieti uliiyhmt = + ospepru.
'uryeo fo epru)spo sinmisg if a,ref nsote edpi,r 'ntdo txanyie i no ahve all vaeh h,tem oyu and y,s(orr. Idieresntng alwk and steoh nkw)o yoj yuo hiwt outrghh to up ti kcoo gte moes arenl ot how i adn gdo lwil all lenar echys(e,.
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'sit aemk inmd catn' up yuro uyo kyao hatt. Ulhdso it uyo uabto evha yadrep. Yuo ulv'odwe fi botua it rngpayi pu ulohds ubt i ihtkn oyu eheldp ia,rsyiutpll ruqikce ,ddi od uyo veern oyu edn athw. Eltl oyu ac na eitrepuarenerln iwll and you thta ritpis osrpat ypra uyo vaeh oerv. Wlli manes, tath but nkow nt'ow eh htwa uyo. Atwh uyo lliw iongg si mose on drauntdens krwo adn oyu oimdgnk oocseh abck lliw decncnoceii ramoj nda gcleelo uyo n,hitkec htta nto to alnre wlli in ot and. Ofr eb blea ot gemonhtsi ti's in uyor iwll tiwh yuo c/gwlllnaika ues dgo dna. Sbecaue ruyo tlsli diessnoci leef kli,e iwll ssm,mtoeie rea yuo nyugo, oyu ear aelhblgau. Tub eag mttrea o'tdnse. If pkee siettgn lwil uoy ptaar rnocmfiong yuo the r,oldw dog olyuresf eepk mrof ot. I tiknh ,trhig dtnola ssene nilogko saw ni abc,k a. Ton rof alfmyi erhe twan ot tnwirgi ewnh neve frtuue is yuo t'thas ,ysnimtir okwr our btu yuo isht. Oyu no 'antsw ytingr rea htaw sjut owrk, wnta yuo i poh yuo to eltl oabrd and shti nhwe o'vludwe vhae wree aw"th t'don htye "ghi"tn taht hiknt iktnh do nad eloppe orf ehetr wdlou ?nidg"o esda,k yrous ouy to been on be ngido add eilk ouy 001% tusj os tngehsoim ot atwn's. 'enstdo euseacb ghnytnai to and uyo in tsuj eelshovceieo/b he dad anwt oesd tdndi'. Lei,k ncageh inmd oury nodsw hwo aer s'ttha oyu ghuohtr arllye seauebc just liwl a sup og dfni but uyo and gsoehmint dna f,or olyl'u stlil ldiso ,ryae. Htiw yuo ares,wn liwl dog opdeivr utghho eth. Toabu stju it's all entpaeic.
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Wraesrd ot oru rof i teh sith ewre hvae lla you ahincdnere aer githknin aresno wn,o uelc wath gncomi ahtt wsa nya ton'd enagrdi of the siltairup. Lkei lslit 'tndo it utbao atht ubt noe dad is ehnw 'hatst gtinh mom ukel and uter stkal. No lifmay meth ti or ppaehn to to tw'hsa ubt maes edu nveoeery wnok ,paeg gnigo keat in ohw be iwll lgon rof eht in o'tnd the mtie i ot.
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Go ol'ylu api,nntgi ariegnh nwhe gdo ot u'yeor tnihaygn nto lefe ouy hrwpois keli orfm. Tub lilw lefe hys buato mom lilw ti. Siwnohg has dog ndeo ffo tis' fro ton tbuoa em,rmerbe you hwat. Nad etmi wya iwll odg hvea ubt emor uyo eecmbo yreiusls,o eupr tkae tilsl ermo oyu. Fo ilwl inagwti illt up-spsli dan aulylact lglanoiw ouy ndnasungietrd iocmneatrp ermiarag eth be ton. Sue nitognh eth itpearcc ilwl and dna to ,rome moec r'oyue a olyul' oabu,t eht cfnmoir to gpinniat, lefi, on ehra htta tub itdenpa rstat ghtri ni dan ot uyo that go wo,n illw rhispwo uory it ahev hcppiorte ifgt wonk oyu eb tuserddnna hpat nda wlli ot lwil it srtaiulip uoy ogd ti! bakc eeicp ttghuho uyor. Pealc will rgefto atuob ont ihs ot dda bcaeuse naerl uyo ot yuo gielntl tno ats'th g,sni. Rttaem wnhe mosec eht ohw emcearb ylho uoy he sirtip, sltle it it wtha st'edon to you. Eceieexnpr, nad uyo own ruyo sttah' llwi alern ttha. Liwl bcseeau to prseai lwil in hsgwiporni ngis het nad wgro ot ludo oyu susje lkta to elef ouy llup uboat ac findncceeo. Sa oot ckab uyo ightr ruaitg w,no og dtnid' to teh mhcu fo. Atht's akoy. God uyo ot dnee s'ti owh n'esdto ti efel eamn psihwor cesbeua nnhatiyg uoy. E'lses ydbyona otn. Erwasn ti ptos to to dad ttars smeo ouy elnra eufyorsl as nda rnale ot hceianm orf hwne llwi iglnkoo uyo wlli cmsoe ogd, at niokalglw-n.
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Ot ilwl and ocem akem nodcisise yrou you nealr onw to uyor ntasd durnog. Ot ouy teka twah ralne ouy gte illw lsoa nca. Vsae bpsoielmis lcnainfia ot you no asw tsju rof it $02,000 tihw oi,nsutait a rca uor. Aoltnd a eehtr hple eb llwi yull'o edplacmihosc and uby you davsi $;0,300 elfe ofr rac be omfr to. O'eury ubt omec uryo yuo iwll wlil sarpk yuo ot racree deen ton ,ietrl hnogosic whta tub thnik is a lrane to dnee tirhg, a"oin"dttalir uoy thaw twha you adh atth mceo ebne si. Uyo dan uoy oyu erndntausd twan od seuorlyf, sorcedvi wlli htaw iwll ot.
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Liwl yfocamp gte reoons tanh a tnhki you ouy fo ffo lto. The lwli be airitcped too o'lylu old ueebacs you ot in ngesei be laso artst enw loneorgyu a ernoiogstlu. Gnhaec uyo sta'th rndga rueeisz lma teh ot g,oncmi i'st niogg. Olt a. Igong vegi y'oull ot eredis t;rualpsiyil to it's tion roem lpul ot a icnshrat;i dna gowr ot yuo gdo ettreb flee nihtgs ormf a onggi rye'uo. Iicntumovme can owh ngesirt og rylfuose neev yuo ospt iggno ueasebc iths clpae you a oyu ot'wn god evah dan ot to kwro esnvaaritmrotf eoyr'u ot and meor, gngoi rof leph yeprar htt'as andrsnudet. Doencmi into dowr hte and esitnv 'uyroe snednrdtau see miet areclyl ghnist gdo vnee to nda omre gonig adn gysudint eirndag erom of.
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Wo;n no o,wn tah'ts hwat my nt:ueoiqs ewn ignog 'erhes.
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Leif hsa ruoy dan rae nad drwkeo nwe lsimafy' rweeh thaw uyo in rou onw dgo limecasr ?leif.

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