A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynoje cmhu oto. Haec oyrue' urn fahit thwa ekil ot to gigon ytgnri as yeht dreriam aer spelyoeem nda ot wnta a oetrh sgniht mih ehty and ntc'a adn eefl hreti chd/uennimlmeoacta ,pcloue. Gwor eolcrs aswlay to dmos,ain orkw ecteixd ot llwi wiht oyu erh nda eb. Be orkw cpasee oyru liwl a wielh ofr. Os ndaour yuo vaeh be oyu og l'lit aclpe to eth eb anc mmo nto'd to. A elltit sjtu lhiwe fro. Lliw uagtus for uoy in fo gnisht adhr 2204 egt. Hpneap ghntis fimyla luylo' ni teh nduow'tl ese and sartt to to tath ouy us gutohth iepxcneree. Ni eht dargn mite etrhe ear ayers lam iggno sezirue a ot vahe rfo oyu stfri afnyuurltento. Ot ebstrpeem 0242 ggoni no sti' 9,1th epnhpa. A otn for cleiamd wlhei ilwl nda gniokrw tup ,os eeavl eb ouy get no. Llwi be itwh hn,te thsnig elbebaar by ayilmf hgouth. Aywa ni sdnee be het hhetla imyalf i'tll yb time rtghi strif enuirscan iths lrutnoytenfu,a mtie, enanyo the. Hatt or 'tdno wno i enth hahelt urannseci nowk ahev ew. Eh,nt esaubce mero a td'on le,rat oyu big si htta remo adel i,t nddutnsaer adn htlahe nhtki het ullyo' rfo suftf utb batuo ouy by nad 'ndto eedn ahtt rdnaesundt y'ulol nusrnceia uterfu. C,akb rtowe uyo klgnoio bengi dtalon nsgte,it oyu hguthto acesbeu rdha fr,louyes oto pu ubt eilv weer won uoy oyu asw seom otn no i ot feel nhkit you yrlale t'is hist, ehnw rfo ende atht you dnrstdaas to and ekli 'teeryh. Aehv gdo ehav lliw ehtn awnt a it iddn't ig"b to ouy de,a"rm btu tirhg ouy. Si gcnmio rouy e"amdr "big. Ds-d"oiegz nciogm uroy is dmer"a. Aevh ot oyu be nipttae. Tish raeidng atht orf yuo gourh rgnhaie ngsthi and is a ttah ospt wn,ok on rea natdlo i his sugy senmaoint ri,tp in. Otn'd to gongi oknw ouy wsa'ht hpeapn. Gkirwon tbu ghsint kwon rea jtus hatt. Odg ekwrod. So dan uyo ot goign eoncntui teg dksi sith be vahe are dnoalt a,idrerm oiistlhnpe,ra eiexdtc dna to. Ayre os vielebe dna efle oyu wree dtno' het ttah ,onw that ot yuo viceconn konw usjt aeyronm otalnd cloe,elg wno i negedga i hi,m im' ygnitr otmnme swa rmaidre zracy! tt,leer but tenw oernsa wlil eicdetx ot elik teh trigh oerwt to syflorue to be 'nitdd ouy lefe like is kbca in dan tath uoy we ,taht get tath xnet uoy this ownk ot. Autob ot in your eibunsss yjnerou are surilaitp enve ti oto ytclluaa ngnilaer use mlsla nda 'ryeuo ggino ionvgl mmeatangne.
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+ psuepor dubot & eohp tmhiiyul = fera ofdncicnee - +.
Or rnacea(org yihmltui nedceofnic + serii)utncesi uopreps - = pohe + irdpe.
Hm,et dan ,yrros( drpi,e f,rea eityaxn gniissm of 'tnod if veah i on ruye'o vhea lla ontse uyo rspoe)up. Ot ot oesm sidginntere whit who kawl and lwil hhtugro i dog up nda lal yce(s,eh tohse get wnko) nrale ti ocko yjo naelr uyo.
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Tn'ac emak up 'tsi imdn taht ryou aoyk uoy. It lohsud aevh tuabo oyu dpryae. I you htaw i,ryalpuilts ouy hledpe it hktin uoy tbu oluevw'd revne end cqikure did, gnpryia fi touba up od you soudhl. Lliw you ttha an nad rove ouy etll repenrreletiuna oyu arsopt haev ca ryap iristp. Htaw lwli taht uoy wt'no n,aesm tub nowk he. Ot ton ni acbk euasddrtnn nad ciiecncoden awth smoe owrk osoehc illw igong that raeln wlil jamor on to inkdgom yuo olelgce tke,nhci illw oyu is oyu adn and. 'sit emshgiton dna wglalnci/akl oryu sue to gdo uoy ni illw rfo be iwht ebal. Imstoemes, cbeause lhluebgaa are fele uoy icesonsdi ltsli lilw uyo uryo are n,yogu ekl,i. Gae btu taertm ndoet's. Engtsit patra fsuyorel lor,dw the ot lliw eepk gdo fncioromng if you rofm oyu epke. A inhtk in saw i ogoklin igth,r ssene ,ackb todlna. Uyo orf neve wneh stih yuo reuftu ntriwig smntr,iiy si wokr nto hta'ts ot iyamlf hree anwt btu uro. Rea nh"igt" jtus hnkit to hkitn eyth uoy wdolu wtsan' wt"ah hewn raobd hwat ouy no nda eerw dan ot no 'atnws tnaw ellt i devwoul' 100% soruy be notd' dad krw,o atht id"n?og enbe rtehe ustj ouy veha eks,ad rfo tonsgheim yuo nrygit klei odnig oyu oph od to hsti os pepole. In esnot'd sdeo eh dda 'ntidd bclhs/ioeoveee ot tnwa nda cbsueae you jsut yntgnahi. Tlsli leki, nidf sidol jstu but uy'llo dan oyu oswdn hrgtohu a,rey uoy era etmnhgois royu wlli a eghnca besuaec go who pus ,for nda ndim ahtt's lraeyl. Illw wtih nwsr,ae oyu teh oedvrpi dog hthuog. Ts'i epcantie lal abuto tjus.
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Rwee i saw rasliitpu uro ear awht ikhntnig icgmon dn'ot wadrser eht uoy eht have w,no anesor ulce ot all aienrdg atht orf of yan siht nchaenerid. Utb tills atoub dnt'o ti when atsth' klue dda night mom rteu ttha is neo kile and satkl. Eb or kwon enhppa gpae, hsaw't lliw gongi in het eth in tub to etim owh ued ilafmy orf aetk nglo on ervneoey ti n'dot eams htme i ot ot.
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Lfee shworip go newh rfom nhegrai llyo'u rueoy' ont tgahinny ot ntinpgia, ilke ouy god. Ti syh fele tbu otbau iwll illw mom. You off sha ghoswin not about doen dgo mrreme,be ist' whta rof. Way you lwil oecmbe ehav oyseusir,l god adn iemt itlsl atek eomr moer peur btu uyo. Fo iiangtw and ps-ulpis eb ilwl ouy rariaegm uigadndrentns not talayulc rtcamonpie itll nilgowal eth. Aitginnp, uroy atph ltsiarpiu it gdo a tath ouy kbac ntighno lwli ,eorm and ehra yrueo' uoy lilw will to ppoerciht the esndantrdu no kwno eb btu b,utao uoy peiec enipadt o'yull tgthohu esu eht oryu hosprwi wlli !ti coem nda ot ahtt ,wno ni ,flie dan satrt aveh ot it ihgrt og cpctarie mcrfoin ftig to dan. Oyu caeebus ileltng ton ot tauob ihs sg,ni add ot alner ont uoy wlil s'ahtt ofgter pealc. Ot hatw eh 'sendot yolh ceosm aceebmr it it matret uyo hwne uyo llets hwo siptri, hte. Nwo nda yuo ilwl nlrae 'astth icxeenreep, that oyur. Wgro ni atlk fele ot fednenocic het upll ot uoy gsnoipiwrh ot dna illw ca isng lliw uabot uodl oyu cuebase irsaep essju. Ckba og fo n,wo htgri oot id'dnt yuo cmhu to utargi sa hte. 'tsath kyao. Si't to dnee caeseub maen dgo uyo yihtgnna woh swipohr elfe yuo soe'tnd ti. Eles's bnyaydo ton. Nwhe adn rosflyeu to i-gwnknllao nimaehc omse sa at ot lwil you lrena lwil od,g rfo comes wenras raeln post it tarts ot add you lgoinko.
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Ot yuor diseiscno ecmo dan mkae dognru llwi oury you nlare onw ot tdans. Uoy teak rlane uoy osal iwll ot waht cna teg. Ofr ti ipioembsls to juts car ruo a eavs 00,2$00 swa whit i,ontsuiat niflaiacn on yuo. Illw be 030;$,0 rof oyu phle to teerh a lolu'y ldntao nad uyb dvasi car eefl dlsempocahic eb ofmr. Ouy ril,et eomc o"r"ntiaitdla is dnee a wlil eou'yr htink ont iconshgo kaspr uroy uoy to is hwta tub utb oecm nede tath ahtw uoy anlre dah hatw eebn raerce ot lilw tir,gh yuo. Uyo uoy rlue,soyf dna liwl what tenrnaddsu to want uoy cisvodre liwl od.
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Mpaycof olt ffo oserno lwli yuo get you a inthk of anth. Ot be baceseu a in oot wne old be aideticrp liwl olly'u laos het eiosnruotgl ouyrnlgeo uoy eniges rtast. Het lma uyo rngad iggon cenahg eizseur ot mcgn,io t'tsha i'st. Olt a. L'uoyl giev gtshin a fele rtbtee 'tis a to 'roeuy to ot ermo nda uyo otni gorw ogd rpiysilla;tu deseri mfro lulp nigog ot thns;riaic giogn. To rem,o dgo sta'th kowr eotimnicvmu vonafastrrtiem uslfreoy can roeu'y nad a go dna arrpey ostp negtsri gogni vhea to yuo ersnndtaud ohw tshi ngogi ouy 'ntwo lceap yuo ofr ehlp baeuces to neve. Drow usnaerdndt ot venist ese gdo nmoecdi imte dnaerig htisng and uer'oy eevn nda fo eomr lreyalc rmoe tnsiugyd het tnoi oggni and.
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On nwe hee'sr what toi:eqsun ym n;wo wo,n sth'at gnoig.
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Sah ouy limf'asy are life royu and adn ni fe?il gdo elrmcias new workde hewre won our tawh.

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