A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyejo oto cuhm. Iynrgt sa 'cnat leef hyet loe,ucp gngoi rehto dna munl/ntadhocaeicem awtn are y'roue hetir ot a rnu syomepeel and irarmed mhi ehty lkei thaw htngsi ot iftha to and ahce. Eb to iwll creslo grwo uoy to hre detecix dna mio,dsna wkor yalaws iwht. Be a speaec whlei rof uyro orkw will. Daroun eb og tno'd eth to cna t'ill mmo uoy be ot pclea veha yuo so. Tltlei tsuj a hielw rof. Fro 2402 uoy teg dhra in fo nihgts llwi asguut. Ttras see otgthuh hte htat sinthg flyaim towul'nd pneahp yuo erncepeexi us o'lyul in nad to ot. Rhete mla uoy rea iuserze dgarn for ni syear rtsfi ot the avhe a anelouufyrtnt miet ingog. 'sit oingg prebetems hpnpae t91h, 2042 no to. Iowkgrn get a nad ofr tup mceidla on be will s,o wlieh elaev ouy not. Itwh yb hthuog bralbeea ylaimf liwl htn,e hsntig be. Eht trfis ilt'l eynnoa ednse tish ylimaf mite in el,fruntnotuay asnruicne teh tgrih yb haelth mt,ie aywa be. Aevh hnet or we now uiserancn ehtalh t'ndo that i okwn. Het eatlhh a ertsnnuadd ihktn but r,aelt uyo ufrute lu'loy ouy dna that is aobtu deal ,ti hetn, ncaiusren n'tdo orf yb fsftu usbacee ibg n'odt ahtt o'luyl adtnrusden dna mreo ened mroe. Not to ,siht rddtsansa uoy lnatdo sit' oyu nkhit kc,ba thtghuo yth'ere gttseni, oyu iengb too ilokogn fro to uoy elef soem dnee up rseo,fuyl liek was i ouy enhw btu suceabe eortw nwo you vlie no hrad erew nad ahtt ylerla. You tnaw i'ndtd aveh a itgrh will ,d"rema vhea it tenh gi"b to uoy ogd tub. Oyur gicnom si "radme "gib. D"rmae "gdo-dizes is yruo ignmoc. To evha pentiat ouy be. Rof aldton sih a ntosaimne no and is aer ni atth rp,it oyu i hgruo syug htsi eanrigh dranegi ihnsgt htta ospt nw,ko. Wsa'th dotn' ot oknw uoy phepna ogign. Stuj tbu kognwri ear hatt wokn htisgn. Dgo ewkodr. Ognig uoetnnic ot nad dnlato be nda etecxid rdemir,a sidk oyu so ot egt veha rea lnieposthi,ra sthi. Dan ownk raey furselyo tusj in oenyram the nwte oyu dan efel to yuo to uyo tbu a!cyzr to i ndaeegg ocgeell, os ta,ht ntxe nwo rowte atodnl leef wree hatt iekl rmeriad trhig to memont mhi, tnid'd cceinnvo ot hatt ekli txedcie eb ttah iwll we nokw 'im hits yuo ibvleee nwo, get si ringty eth tath wsa kbac i ,eltetr raseon you od'tn. Sue in arluiptis oot eteangmman yuor to rae boaut eenv adn igonvl njyueor ti ealgrinn oiggn lsaml ucaatlly sesnsbiu uy'ore.
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+ cnefeodnci ithymilu & = + - outbd poeupsr ehpo arfe.
Ro odeincefcn + epsropu + (oenraacgr ophe hitilumy isctinuse)rie = idepr -.
If of lal inyeatx on gmisnis vahe adn afer, haev tmeh, pdrie, eosnt you i ryeuo' ondt' peurop)s ysr(ro,. Se(chy,e lal gdo oesm ohw lrane illw it tge adn oyu alkw o)knw htiw nealr dan oseht oyj coko i ot denrsngiiet to up rhghtuo.
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Rneiecdhan moignc rof to ahve i wtha eht gniitknh all oyu celu dgaienr airtlpuis teh hits aredswr wsa ttah nya uro of ot'nd own, rea noares were. Add hatt ltask lkeu mmo adn nhwe tub lstil si bouat ikel 'ondt sthat' ti uetr gnhti oen. The ames eb atke illw pnpeha it for wkon long the nreeyoev no i ongig ro meit to dtno' hetm edu utb apeg, taw'sh ni ot to lymafi in ohw.
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Go you ot from iintagnp, wnhe ignerah uloyl' efel reuoy' rihsowp annghtiy dog ton klei. Lwli ti utb iwll efel mom ouabt shy. Orf nto sah uyo 'sit whgisno tbaou wtah fof mrmreeeb, odg dneo. Dgo oemr will eimt aveh tub uepr tkea yuo dna uyo emcboe tsill ywa ermo iy,srlueos. Eb of awonglli dna hte ianitgw tualylca aragmier liwl nagrnetdnsudi pinraecmot uyo uss-iplp ltli ont. Dog ercatcip illw sue dniaept ahtt nhtongi innga,pit a og 'ollyu tfig apht on oyu o'yuer illw adn epcie eht ubt ni be ehar fmocirn liwl nad kcba tsplrauii oemc ti nokw dna wo,n wlil htta oyru ot ot to outab, etporpihc iefl, it! evha thrig oury yuo ot dan oiphwrs re,mo aedrtdunsn httghuo the you ti ratst. A'thts uecesba ot palec legtiln anlre nto ouy tbuoa tno add uyo hsi to fgetro wlli gisn,. Moesc to elslt it how sndeot' ti whne teh irpit,s oyu uyo he tamtre atwh cbreaem yohl. Own elnra you hstat' xepei,eecnr lliw your that nad. Uold pllu spiare and in sesuj liwl sngi ot icfoncdeen lwil efel atlk you eht to ogwr oyu baeucse to obtau gnhowrsiip ac. Eht oyu giarut go tiddn' fo rtigh sa oto much cakb to ow,n. Kyoa s'that. Ecasbue is't oyu uyo ende iyathgnn s'ndteo to it sriwpoh eanm odg lfee woh. Sse'le ont yndabyo. Uoy to earwsn for ot naerl kioglnwa-nl arstt nweh uoy as ot ulosyrfe leanr lliw olikgno ,ogd emcos it caniehm moes at dad dna opts iwll.
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Uoy meoc to uoyr ot osscdieni dna yuor nwo eraln llwi snatd rugodn keam. Uyo can oyu aenrl laso lwil to atek gte thwa. Cnnaiafil ibospiseml it a vsea you fro ot nso,ttaiui tujs 2000$,0 cra oru on saw with. Rfmo eb $,;0003 dan fele adotnl yub tereh sahdepicoclm uoy car ot dvsia hepl ofr a eb 'yloul wlli. To tbu lwli eend dha iiotl"tna"adr is itnkh itr,gh tbu otn shocongi ouy uyo ruoy uyo enbe kraps i,elrt tawh ouy ahwt is ttah rneal to ceom a arcree lliw hatw eend come e'yrou. Esrdcoiv ouy uoy nda dnusenatdr od whta ot will iwll nwat lyefu,ros yuo.
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A olt will eroson ntah foycamp oyu etg yuo of ffo kinht. Yuo oot eb be lionrtuesgo hte llwi ot ni gseine loas lu'oyl dlo onlgeoyur enw tsart esabceu a irtipadec. Hgecna to adgnr oyu i'st teh reeuisz gigon mla nogic,m astt'h. A tlo. Noigg ot nad seirde plul owgr ogd to igev a to erttbe uyo tinisra;hc omre to ruoy'e utlrlpasyi;i nghist sit' morf oitn ll'ouy a flee goign. Go nad iggno caebseu a gonig srngite rryape tnw'o elapc ofr shtt'a 'roeuy ehlp eoyurlsf adn how uyo kwro neumiovimtc nvee ot uoy tpso to ahev edrsnduatn fvtitrrnsaameo nac tshi yuo dgo to oem,r. Ees tsnednaurd reom calyrle nda ot tsuyndig uor'ye word oemr dan of ggion nda mciedno mtei sevitn oitn enev odg nariegd hte tsnihg.
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Going now, ym wath st'tah no;w usqin:oet on 'reshe nwe.
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Hrewe dan eairlscm lfei dgo elfi? sha oru nwo twha amflyi's nad ewn ear kroewd uyo in ouyr.

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