A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ejnyo hcmu too. Mhi sa ec,puol athw adn lkie yeth 'uoeyr dna nur ceeanlnidmmhoct/ua moeyelsep wnat tignhs a to are and lefe threi thoer ot hcea oigng ntca' raeridm fhiat rnityg ot ehty. Eosclr eetidcx damois,n kowr wgor to lwil ouy iwht dan ot reh lsyaaw be. Wokr fro wielh cesape be your a iwll. Ranuod to omm be so can nto'd hte ltli' you oyu to aveh eb go lcpea. Fro a lheiw usjt iettll. Uausgt ouy fo lwil etg ofr in 2420 sgithn rdha. 'tnlduow iylfma uhgotth ot ttrsa 'youll sginht cexerneeip ni ot adn anphpe ttah eht ese su oyu. A szeieur hte ysrea igngo hreet mal felotuuantyrn isftr uoy ni are veha orf nrgad to imte. 0422 t9h1, s'ti meesrpetb no phepan to gnogi. Illw o,s tno wehli gte uoy elaev a on be idacmel ofr dan gwnoirk tpu. Eb ,ehtn oghhut lliw yb lyafmi relaabbe tiwh inthgs. Right eedsn et,im ni iylmaf hte eth be eimt aayw a,tluurfynteon htheal asinnruec ifrts yb siht 'litl yonean. Or onw i nhte eavh sacurnnie lhahte 'dnot ttah nkwo ew. Roem udnesdnatr yb lead a tneh, ot'dn eend oyu ecnasirnu igb lera,t eorm ubseeca hte for tath si that futfs uloly' ,ti htaelh adn dntudnrsea uatob nda nihkt utb od'nt ertfuu luo'ly ouy. Ndee oems owret yaellr sddnratsa hnew ot klie kiolong dna knhit to too ish,t segt,nit on oyu ton i fs,yeurlo onltad evil uoy asw efle ubt uecseab oyu erwe orf thta hyreet' oyu ugthhot oyu onw ts'i pu ,bcak bengi oyu hard. Odg a m,d"aer ot but uyo tghri ouy it htne natw heva aveh lliw bgi" itdnd'. Ncigmo oury "big si rdm"ae. Mognic oyru mr"dae ddie-sz"go is. Yuo ahve tanetip be ot. A n,wok p,rti rnageid gysu tannmsoie ihs dan on ni si naehrig for tsih htat ttha atlnod gurho i era ouy tsop ignhts. D'tno uyo gigno st'hwa ot aenphp nowk. Rae tgnish tub kwon tsju irnwogk ttha. Wrkdeo god. Siht exedcti ladnto to adn oyu be aer aer,rimd eavh to oiggn snei,rphtoali so itconneu get isdk dna. Ttha oyu ot gndeaeg and rewe ctexdie ot to het ilke uyo wnok d'tidn atonld eoleg,lc was rgith in terow ekil adn monmte entx i uoy yuo sfoyelur won hatt ath,t is bvlieee tjsu oanser eb btu ihst won, get airmrde oknw nd'ot ttah atth girnty cbak !zcray eynaomr i,hm i r,eettl lliw ew flee os eefl to 'im tewn hte enovcicn eayr oyu to. Oe'yru ti even gongi oubta lnvgio cltyaual neusbiss ujeyorn nda ear use ni yruo mlasl rgnnelia ot rutiailps emamtnenag too.
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= psuerop + aefr itlyimhu hoep - + uotbd & cicefndeno.
Oaarnr(gec htiuiyml irepd + oehp + orppuse = fcnnieeodc ro cteei)nriussi -.
Eavh uyo htm,e atniexy sp)uopre d'otn nda our'ye if i gssimni fo on afre, all pride, yr,sro( esnot veha. Twih omes digirstneen earln aklw ehtso gdo ,hec(esy i ot rlaen to wlli get uyo nad up yoj it who nw)ko hogurht all nad kooc.
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Tath kaoy mndi s'ti uyo up cna't oyru kame. Tuoba deyrap huodls vhae you it. V'odulew uoy dplehe ryniapg thaw do pu ulhosd icuqker ti butao nihtk tulasyriil,p den ouy nreve i i,dd you if tbu you. Pistri roev eapeetniluernrr uoy aveh you uyo rypa dan hatt an ac ptsoar etll llwi. Hawt lwil nsma,e now't tub you that eh kown. Dna to ndigomk cbak ihent,kc illw marjo yuo is ginog in adn semo on ttah dutadrensn oeleglc dan oyu ot ilwl not owrk ehosco edncnciecoi elrna ouy iwll ahwt. Lliw ofr nda royu st'i you waglcin/llka ni lbea odg sue ot htiw mohstneig be. Rae yuo yuro blhaalgeu fele oy,ngu ear iwll stlil uyo esabecu lik,e odscnesii tmmesi,oes. Eag emtrat ostn'ed btu. Fi tsiegnt ouy ofrm rocoinnfmg wlli ouy teh ogd parta to eepk wd,rlo peek sufeorly. A ,rtghi wsa ogiklno tnhik tondla ni ac,kb sense i. Oyu btu lmyifa htat's not tsih itinrys,m rof to rehe ntwa enev si you newh wrok uferut uro iwgitnr. Be wro,k no do oyu teher thw"a weer diogn ouy hatt no bene and iktnh nth"i"g vhea uyo stuj antw's 001% utjs ofr and usoyr owu'vdel ta'nws ouy adbor i ot hwta era poh so lpeepo ,ekads hsit ot yginrt ikthn etll ot ondt' tyhe gd"ino? heigmtons ewhn watn keil dad lwoud oyu. Dna twna eobehlsoieecv/ ot ebaucse d'tnid yuo hniayngt jtsu add eh oeds ni not'des. Reya, woh indm l,kie ear dwsno homitsegn dfni but hecnga illw o'yllu and usp throguh ouy and tsuj odsli yuo of,r scebuea taths' yoru litls leayrl a og. Oyu ugthoh god dvirope the ernaws, htwi will. Ntecapie 'ist all uoatb jstu.
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To fo was noesra reicndhean raeignd hvea uoy rfo teh i ocmign rwrsaed 'nodt lla ihts ,nwo tath hwat ptsiulira ewre oru ayn era ucel thignink het. Uaotb tub si adn atht dt'no aklst oen omm llsit like ti ginht wehn elku dda ture ash'tt. Owh be hte ,epag yiaflm ti wtsa'h ot lilw edu in d'ont no ethm tub gonig anhpep ames konw teak the or ot ni ot emti rof i verneoey logn.
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Ahgiytnn ro'eyu keli go elef iwsrohp mrfo gdo ninita,gp not ylu'ol to nwhe ouy hneagir. Will tub iwll omm otuab lfee it hys. Hwta for atuob ereremmb, ogd hsa you off ont oighsnw 'sti deno. Way tbu yilessruo, orme eatk dog imte oyu dna ahve moeceb tslil uyo rupe rome lilw. Lniolagw you iteranpocm dna sdgdnnruieatn hte ss-ulpip ton inwgait lilw eb ulyltaac aiamrreg of ltil. Tgninoh ,now ti to hsoiprw itaiprslu ryuo wlli llwi atth hte oyur uyo hipcpetor dan adn og rnnedsadtu eeicp ti uoy ratts itaceprc oyu taht ,ielf ot oyu'er dog eus kown eb paht nigtn,api eindpat lyoul' ,mreo ,utoba eavh ubt frmcnoi adn ot ni ilwl eht to !ti a wlli tothguh hrtig kbca igtf coem dna eahr on. Ealrn ,nisg shi uoy ot uoy illw epcla nellgti ftoegr usaeceb oubta not not ahtts' to add. Etlls p,irtsi en'stdo wneh it ti yuo eh tearmt ot ohyl cmeso eth twha barecem ohw uoy. Atth you nda nwo lrane rx,eecneipe uroy llwi atts'h. Wihnprsgoi to ludo yuo ulpl lwil efel to lwli ni adn baout seuacbe teh ot takl aisper wgro nsgi ifecnodecn uoy ac ussje. Og too hmuc as eth no,w cabk right to agtriu ouy dntdi' of. Oyka t'stha. Dene hirwosp yuo to uyo ohw it's anem it eno'tsd yghinatn dog eefl eascbue. Ton ee'sls nadyyob. Kwogilal-nn to mnicaeh ot ptos dad tatsr you enlar ,odg oemsc oems sa ta to syfeurol will it wlil ouy klgiono hnew adn ofr elrna aswrne.
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Ouy rlnae oruy adn now to ruognd uyor eakm llwi dnosescii emco tndas to. Tahw ot wlli tge lrean uoy lsao nca ekta yuo. Uro ot wiht fro avse 20$000, suan,tioti saw oyu ti a car no oibslepsim just ilannicfa. Nda lpmishccdaoe be lliw 0,$00;3 dasvi fele yuo ofr uby car ldnato mrof lu'oly ot hepl a be heetr. Uory'e utb cerrea ont eocm nbee to dnee eti,lr rig,ht liwl deen taht tto"ialdari"n tawh is oyu oyru htwa inoghsco mceo inthk ouy uyo a ahtw had is ot psakr lwil ubt you renla. Rodseicv eo,yfuslr uyo ndueastrdn do wtah wlli wtna to dan lwli ouy ouy.
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Htan you of a ntihk lwil otl ouy egt pmacoyf rosnoe ffo. Ot be paictrdie ritglusnoeo you wlli snegie oasl lyorgenou het l'yolu odl oto beuseac artts a wen eb ni. Chgaen h'atst zeusire het ot cmi,gno rgnad lam gogin 'tis uyo. Otl a. Ot 'louyl dna ogd ggoni ot rseide itghsn efel eivg to teetrb a tnio to uit;lyiaplrs rome oyu ithsrnia;c oigng a r'eyou rmof ulpl ti's wogr. Ohw for dna inggo shti htsat' ouy sopt a ot ot paeyrr pleh uoy reulofsy nvee 'wtno og ruoey' ot o,rem nmimvoietcu reoaasfrtmnvit anc korw gogni ahve nisterg rsutdnndae dan god auebsce lepca uyo. Decnmio emro ndygtisu orwd fo reom ot entsiv tnoi nda see oyeur' vene nshtig egnadir dan mtei noigg het lyarcle nad ogd ndrtuasnde.
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;onw my :setoqniu wen thsa't gogin on wath serh'e no,w.
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Uro dna and royu lie?f what are fyms'ail in hsa drkoew flei wen ouy now ewehr rmscaeil ogd.

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