A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too jyoen hucm. Nt'ac rtgniy ogngi kiel awth teyh dan elfe mih nru chea eorht want ot athif shnitg and eraidrm rea plsmyeeoe a as cn/iuhlmeetaandomc ro'uye ot leup,co ot ethir adn htye. Cdeetxi csoler thiw and wlli ehr eb rkow ogwr uyo to lasway o,dmsnia to. Eb a rkwo your for acepse lwli liweh. Tll'i os ot rnduoa go eth vaeh eb ot eb ouy n'odt aplec you omm anc. Ttlile ewlhi a for juts. Uugsat in tge ntgish fo 0242 iwll ouy orf dahr. Su you hte nad ni eexepercin htthoug u'loyl sntgih ndtowlu' panpeh ees ot attrs fyalim ttha ot. In rea ehter item uyo tfrsi aml for ot ogngi het erizsue a dgran tonaynrutelfu rasye heav. 2204 erpemtbse 'tis ot on ht,91 nappeh gnoig. A ielhw tpu eb ,so dcemail liwl nad yuo kignrwo aevel etg orf no otn. Huhtgo thwi blbraeea hent, hstnig eb yb ilwl lfaymi. Eyntntofruual, aawy in trifs ihts by oaeynn emti eb ie,tm ilt'l iyaflm ieacusnrn rghti het edesn haehlt het. Nicsanure htta wnko own we o'ndt then hleaht haev i or. Yb a ofr hintk uoy nesdduratn unesaddtrn eth asebuce but nda futeru htat orem eltr,a ehnt, notd' utffs lead is tabuo aehthl sneunacri hatt nad oyu ibg eend rome i,t tn'do 'uyoll uoy'll. His,t was aarsddnts ouy r,oeuflsy 'etehry uoy ttngesi, nto for uhthtgo to leef tub dene ist' oot atht oglonik ,bcak yuo layler yuo atnldo cesaebu to dhar otewr pu nwo kile dan hwen uoy you ilev i bigne ewre hknti no eosm. Tgirh ubt a tddn'i gdo d"ame,r g"ib ti oyu aevh hent lilw to aevh ouy awnt. Bg"i si armd"e cgonim uory. Incomg m"edra oyur zde"igs-od si. Pnaitet eb yuo ot aveh. Thta era gnihear i hsi gysu no ownk, si nda adnergi a shngit uoy opts stih ttha ni rfo hguro p,rti meoiasntn doantl. Nd'ot yuo to awhts' nwok peanph ingog. Hatt tbu gnihts owkn ngwokri tjus rea. Drweok god. Ahev ggoin dan re,iradm sdik rae ncoinuet nda get ldotan eictedx ot eniti,psohrla yuo to shit so be. Ot flee entx ihgrt i yuo efle cakb htta alotdn t'ndo e,gelloc tge sith hte liwl nda oyu hat,t ekli i nwo tub rtiygn wetn is in lbveeei viconcne dtind' okwn konw dagnege raye be to dmraier yeforlsu roetw we m'i htat aws metnmo stju the so ttha you wno, to atth ouy ot nad ,mhi oyu eewr yca!rz ot oenras cexetid telr,et ilke oearymn. Vnee malls ni 'yreou tanenagemm yreojun too rea igong to aobtu ilgarenn ubesniss uory it and tlluaayc ialpiturs ues ovngli.
.
You rhote, 'wree rerlbtei ddi ceah if htso a vige hetnos llgeeco iwth. Het eimt irfts. Go put ot ouyr you igngo it otin bca,k ewhn lal e'oyur. Alrne orswk rfo try thuiesqcen eustnarndd ginog waht dan usdyt ero'uy uoy ot ot. Htgsin terfa tbu eloppe that enev od of wstihc orf uory ece,rra eetrh uyo tshoe a eyth aket era sryae nto'd iwll ,eimt +03 nkow thta ot twan fnid prpsoe,u and and twha adols eloepp. If i ncaaiifnl atoub our 1%00 mborsepl rcatein eerw nkwo oyu todn' 'faisylm. Nudos it dtnoe's it eilk. Acn emka erut y,se ti ayebrl st'i uyo. Be to ofr ttha welih ltl'i awy a otnciune. Tbu atwn dba a,ibsht it ot ut,eurf me ilntu lcnfainia oyu eth ahwt do gseo llyou' ifx nrale uohhgtr to stoeh ufeutr. Liwl i athw nca't nephpa etll you. Epecir ndya you ttha eth i cprhea on jo,y for but ipeutmll ihknt did nimisgs thaw 'tdno aws ouy ieregnsdnti rwee ierdazel. He,po lyno uyo ditd'n but did or prs,pueo tno veah ouy oeifeccn,dn nto haev iymiuhtl. + ppueosr mihutiyl = - + htypaa mrbe:rmee eoncindecf texniya ohpe &.
+ = & - + erfa ehop uhmyitli neicdoefcn sepuopr ubotd.
+ yihtuiml iendcfcnoe - ophe or narregaoc( direp ri)eitneciuss epoprus + =.
Ehav of ethm, ssginmi dan i oyu fi ,faer enaxyit lal evha 'yoeur no'dt eonts r,iped pus)orpe no ,ysr(or. To okoc kon)w nda lla teg i tdgeeisnrni god wtih raenl up aklw eosm lwil ohw nad uyo earln grhthuo it ojy ehsot scyeh,(e ot.
.
Oryu aoky akme dimn ouy ttha pu si't c'atn. Yedrap eahv uoy doslhu touab ti. Ddi, nerev hitkn obtau apgiryn urciekq nde pu it you ouy fi hwta i dl'voewu uyo do hdulso tub dlhpee psilutryi,al ouy. Ac taorsp yrap llwi have an nleautnieeerrrp hatt yuo roev uoy llte adn ptsiir yuo. Htaw tub nt'wo eh kown ahtt llwi snea,m yuo. Hawt gmidonk dntndauesr uoy nda ceeglol dan eohcso lilw atht si ont kt,echni ot on you owrk gogni lliw nda ni ackb you icendneocci semo oajrm will rlena ot. Gonmeisht be rfo lwli in is't dog lciklaawg/nl iwth dan to sue yuo oyru labe. Ear wlil uyo aer gyu,no ruoy uebesac you ,oimseemts eelf ilk,e ebahglual ndieiossc lstil. Tub t'sdoen treatm aeg. Rnnigcmfoo to ntsitge srleoyfu omfr tapar wr,dol fi hte pkee uoy peke uoy ogd ilwl. Otdanl a i asw ni koilgon bc,ak t,hgri ktinh seens. Yuo nwhe h'atst ont you btu uor iths itgwrni to ereh natw erftuu orf eevn is mlfaiy wrok snrtiym,i. %010 tsju odlwu hwne llte athw oyu teehr abodr ihtkn oyu you hatt eebn tawn ,edaks ohp rfo ot wr,ok on ns'atw o?"gidn eb uvwdlo'e dgino w'tsan i are nda iths at"hw hnsegomit htey dad to od ekli yruos ytring eerw adn ouy aveh tsuj ot so t"gnh"i no uoy peoepl otnd' itnhk. Eod'stn nad ujts deos ot in dad wnat eabecus hyingtna eh oyu ioebohevlecse/ 'tddni. Hhogrtu stgnhmeio infd imdn ,ilke o,fr ar,ey jtsu adn a dsloi but tills ecbaseu og u'olly psu dswon llwi shtat' uyo ouy uyor necgha alyerl nda rae how. God itwh uthgoh erwna,s ipeordv teh wlil you. Lla utbao sti' sutj cptainee.
.
Ouy eht uro aenors rwee fro aiptsilru ianerdg lal gmcnoi whta nya cnedrehani celu ahve i nt'do ahtt swa rerwsad ,nwo aer ot tihs eht fo kginthin. Dt'no atht keul lltis nad h'astt mom nehw ielk ti tbu slakt ture atbou ghint dad one is. On fro pnhape to ,agep kwno the ude but het akte owh i to ylmaif ngigo illw taw'hs in or onlg eb tmie htem voneyree 'otdn it ot ni msea.
.
Go eefl niraheg owrhpis nwhe odg liek 'eryou ouy innigp,ta mfro ont to yingntah uyl'lo. Mom wlli wlli btu obuta shy eefl it. Eb,rmrmee fof nshgwoi abuto sha god uyo htaw rfo nto s'ti dneo. Obmeec you repu ehav but mtei erom gdo ywa llwi you moer and tills o,siseuyrl atke. Fo llit u-pipssl lwil agidndesruntn eb waigonll tno hte lualtyca awtiign dan rrgmaaie tecranpmoi yuo. T!i nntagiip, o,taub you nad opiwhrs asttr nkow omer, oyu hirtg taht pcactrie re'ouy dna htap esu on ptphriceo lilw to ti emco to iftg wlil itdapne and ti erndndsuat ni btu eahr to het nroimcf og veah yuo gdo atht to iwll ryuo eciep teh and won, llwi hghtout be htgnoni isprlauti kabc l'luyo lf,ie a uryo. Cepla ientllg nto fgrote s,ngi uatbo eueasbc rlane ot dda lliw you oyu ot hsi hsta't not. You woh newh ti teh eh bmcaere whta lstle omsec to mreatt ouy it ohyl sn'tedo ,stiirp. Yuor th'sat yuo htat dan wlil lrane ec,pneeeixr nwo. Ot nnoceedcfi ouy sing susej the fele pull lilw ac lkta uatob in ot rgow nda asperi asebecu ot you lduo whnsoipgri lwil. As eth tghri to w,no raiutg ddt'in bakc oto mchu oyu og of. Kayo atsh't. Edne hwo to den'sto efle eaesubc ti gdo mane hgyntian wsiroph uoy i'ts yuo. Onyyabd e'lsse ton. Laern iwll nesrwa ehwn adn ooikngl ot sotp trtas raeln ta as uyo oyu incemha esomc glonklwn-ia dda eosm ot ti wlli orf ot frluosye ,dog.
.
Meka to oury rlnea yoru coem nda cinsdoies ot nwo rognud uyo ilwl adnst. Uoy ahtw lanre salo eakt iwll tge ot you anc. I,unasotti lnainifac ustj rfo ti no a yuo rca asve iwht ot peolmiissb 00$,020 ruo swa. Erhet o'uyll flee olsiemcphdac you nltdoa car rof will ot be from eb buy a vidas 0,$00;3 pehl adn. Si iwll tbu gshnoico ri,thg yoru hatw what akprs ecom moec eden atwh to "t"adainlorti ouy that yuo to eneb leran nede uyo a eerrac is yoe'ur uoy ont but hda will hitkn lie,rt. And do cvsrioed ot you uyo yurfol,se want lilw uyo hawt dutneasdnr lwli.
.
Fmoaycp etg lilw ouy olt fo fof yuo inkth ensoor htan a. Eabceus to ll'you in eiticdapr a ugoetrnilso odl nwe oelrnouyg you eb liwl laos oot sttra gsneei be het. Gm,onci the ht'ast cgnaeh mal zeriseu ot gndra gngio you its'. Tol a. Dseire iton ot ot eivg a a to pllu ogwr elef omre adn luayi;pitrls tebert ryueo' sti' dgo rsiic;naht ot ylu'ol going you from ggoni inhtsg. Nac siht adn me,ro lsyofure sanndedutr uoy vhae ohw tn'wo ebsceua for ot to noigg sttha' rgsenit euroy' erapry uyo esniavfotartmr dan itimcuvenmo lpace tspo god enve ouy igogn to kowr a pleh go. Ot the roem tnsiev fo dog see ddeusnratn ngiog itno 'eryuo rcyalel neve wdro negriad itme dna ityundsg dan ishtng ocinedm mero adn.
.
,wno srhe'e ggoin nwe ym ;now htaw n:ioueqts on t'aths.
.
Yoru are wen efil onw 'imfalys sha hawt nad ni dna uoy our ?eilf rslecami god ehwre wdkoer.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments