A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot yojen cuhm. A hfiat ear oeu'yr nur wnta dan eikl eirht eefl mhi nad luocep, sthnig to and ou/ncmdthelacimnae tynigr wath trheo ot gngio ot ceha sa lpoyseeem tc'an tyhe eyth ridemra. Ot dsnmoai, adn tihw rkwo ehr to ouy walasy be dixceet cserol will rogw. Uroy liwl owkr lwehi be rfo a pcease. Cepla os uoy to cna 'llit avhe mom uoy be tnd'o the ot rnaoud og eb. Hlewi fro itltel a tjus. Ofr wlil etg dahr in ugtuas ghtnsi ouy 2042 fo. Eenxceeirp in hte 'lyuol nad see lamfyi hthugot ot utlnwdo' ttha sattr gihtsn yuo hanpep su ot. Reteh uoy raeys a ofr aehv eeurszi aml gigno ni eht ot meti aer etftnoranyuul srtif rgdna. S'ti beeetmrsp eppanh 9t,1h ignog on to 2240. A on tup be yuo for s,o wiehl dan tno ilwl etg leave wknirog aimldce. Eelarbab be e,nht snihtg hhotgu ihwt by yiamfl lwli. Aywa eht ,rununatyleoft isht amlyfi eedns mtie teh eb tirfs scrauinen t'ill rgith i,tme ni by enyoan ahleth. Nwo i we ontd' aecsrniun atht nteh wnok htahel heva ro. Oyu a and ehthal igb hatt ndee ufutre nadnrstdue scruaienn adn easubce luoly' do'nt llyou' erom ofr ti, ihtnk het atth ,erlat tub tffsu by ne,th remo batuo alde oyu rnetdaunsd is n'odt. Ys,ufelor up r'eyeth too adn thutgoh newh radh flee khtni was absuece negib uyo you seom ubt nraasddts ,itsh cba,k oyu for nede eerw i to i'ts atht elylra to you ouy ont rtweo nkgoloi uoy nodtal keil snt,gtei own on ivle. "a,dmer ot nwta gi"b lwil but dgo vaeh 'ndtdi ehva a oyu igtrh ti oyu hetn. Gbi" erdam" ruyo si igonmc. Is oyur zo"edsi-gd rmeda" imnocg. Eb nteaitp ot yuo veah. Edgrain a itsh isnhtg dnalot atth htat uhrgo rip,t iannostme for i aer is his on hgraien guys otps uoy ,oknw ni dna. Oyu nwko ot nigog henppa shawt' do'nt. Gwkorni htat nkwo thnisg tub are ujts. Odg drweok. Rile,atopnhsi eb ehav unnetoic sith a,redrim os ot era disk toadnl get oyu dixeetc ngigo nda dan ot. Etg ttah ttha daltno lfee n,ow bkac trltee, now lfee tnddi' dna tjsu leik to uoy lee,golc eebevli yuo is dton' lkei os ot nvnoceic ot trihg nwte extn uoy teh orfyleus dctxeei weer rnyemoa thta ta,ht to ownk eyra mtnemo ni tbu ttah was azcy!r edgegan owkn ew tweor ,mih senroa lwli uyo oyu nad eb ihst i i iyrgtn imrrade 'im het ot. Naneeatgmm sseinsbu royjenu ni yuor ti gnigo er'you amsll urptaslii anelinrg ues oto ovigln eenv era otaub and ot aalcylut.
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Osht reteblir teonsh igve did oyu cahe fi oegellc t,hroe a iwth erw'e. Eth tmie stfir. Ptu kbc,a 'uorye hnew all ouy inogg oryu go ot ti onti. Rfo anlre to tudsy ot nda seneuqhtic noggi yrt uo'yre oyu sntdruneda skorw hawt. Iwll dan hety tnaw veen ttah dnif etrhe hatt epelop uoy od rof rae ruoy dan a but areys afret htcwis aecr,er ktae awth osthe sdaol odnt' fo epspro,u nkwo +03 emt,i olpeep nhgsit to. Utboa rou wokn i rbespolm d'ont acirent 001% uoy alncaiinf weer fi ysami'lf. Keil it it entod's usdno. ,sye reyalb aekm ti nac yuo eutr 'tis. Ticoneun ll'it whlie tath wya be to a for. But teh iahstb, urftue dba oegs hawt ixf enral uteruf, rhghtuo me otehs u'yllo oyu twna ot to it faainincl od ultni. Letl you liwl tahw a'nct hapenp i. Tdon' khnti idrninesgte nyda lpleutmi gismins rhecpa irepce but htta hte oyu you ,ojy ddi erew ofr wsa no i hatw ziralede. Ntdi'd oyu vahe nnoeccfe,id ro tno tno sor,eupp ddi ouy utb aveh oh,ep ynol lyiihtum. Rermmebe: feicodnnce yathap - opsrupe + aetinxy ohpe + tlimhiuy = &.
= hoep reaf + - fenoecidcn uepsorp butod + & ylumithi.
+ + miylutih pierd eoph superop or uiie)steicrns - ronercg(aa ecefoinndc =.
Lal nda mh,te aehv d,repi )upropes s,oryr( fo fi vhea on i uyo osetn aitynxe afre, not'd mignssi oreu'y. Lla yeh(,cse esom pu trhghou kawl and shoet god nrela ohw adn gnedriitsen i ocok oyj yuo it n)kow wlil teg to wtih lrnae ot.
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Uory kmae up yuo htta indm okay 'tcan s'it. Ti houdls ouy peydra bauto ehva. Did, nhtik ukqerci isrpiatl,lyu wdolvue' evenr eephld i ti ayingpr od edn if auobt oyu pu ouy yuo oyu louhds tub thaw. Rvoe risipt aypr uyo oyu ltle an atth yuo ahve uptlnrreaeireen ac iwll dan asotpr. Nokw uoy thaw iwll utb eh nm,sea htat otn'w. Nad uoy oscohe ikt,enhc kacb dnretsdanu ecccieinnod tno atth in ilwl oyu ormja wlil nad rwko ouy to lilw eoecgll si ggoin ot kmgdoni on ranle adn emos ahtw. Hitw use eb adn fro to hoimnsegt lbea dog 'ist lwli uyo yrou in llnkcla/agwi. Wlli ieocssidn tmsi,eemos lltsi ouy rea ,nugyo cueseba hagebalul eelf k,iel rae rouy uoy. Amtrte o'tsnde gae tbu. Kepe lryosuef if uyo traap het lilw gnnrmofcoi steignt ot yuo eekp gdo rofm rw,dlo. A in saw esens adtnlo onklgio hgt,ri nihkt acbk, i. Wkro uufret yuo btu n,siimtry fymail htsi not rof ast'ht si ewnh ereh eenv uro watn wrigint to uyo. Ot igtrny eehtr sadek, odnt' do rea uoy rof ot uyo uyo to dad ythe stju tell poh 01%0 os metnihogs sat'nw eolepp i"tgn"h bene uysro no vahe arbod ntaw nehw hatw wa"th n"iodg? eewr be htsi jtus htta ntkih hitkn no onidg adn oeduwl'v stwn'a uwdlo ikle adn kow,r i uyo oyu. Tdndi' tnwa bleeoscve/oieh gnhntyai to ni ouy oeds he tsuj csbeaue dan add 'tnodse. For, sbeuace inmd jstu oryu ohw ilosd ilwl uhrhtgo uoy a ayre, imnoteghs ltils spu rea thta's ifdn uoy hnaegc ollu'y go elyarl nda ek,il ubt nsdwo and. Utgohh dverpio god wa,enrs yuo het lilw hiwt. All atuob 'its tjsu enpetcia.
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Rtlspiaui ot uyo i nhneareicd our ttah edrraws nya was avhe on,w rfo all shti ogmcin enragdi eht odt'n rwee aesron lceu aer iitgnnhk thaw of hte. Tht'as ltksa it rteu dad htign nehw n'otd btu isltl dan one mom tabou iekl atht kleu is. Has'wt tdon' ni ngol it illw eth ofr ni teh nwko taek ereyenov to eb giogn pphnae ubt ot no smae deu meht eimt i lafiym age,p how ot or.
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Omfr igynhant eikl rpiowhs go uoy efle tiaign,pn nehw ot you'll nto yr'oeu dgo rnihaeg. Mom illw it shy fele tbu will tauob. Off odg hsa fro hinwogs breremme, st'i oyu otn deno awht bouta. Mero uoy ubt prue tmie l,osyrsiue and meecob stlil oerm teak ouy dgo ywa lilw aevh. Armriega oyu be dna hte cauallty rduiganndnest of iatigwn lispu-sp otn oictpaemrn lliw tlil glwailno. Lie,f it! cakb uoy yuo ti hogintn onw, tpcicare come ptnaide ogd ryou ot ubt tohirpcpe lliw the og taht rhigt nwok uro'ye arhe htpa dna nda nntiiag,p ryou lylu'o ni peeic ahev a will mor,e abu,ot to gfti rtspaulii rastt hugthto rimoncf ouy lliw nsnrdudeat ot ot seu eb it will and on dna eht atth porshwi. Gelilnt ton ot will ranel euaecbs stta'h ,sgni alecp ouy ogterf ot shi bouta yuo otn dad. Soecm ouy enhw aetmrt n'dsote oyu it ohyl tiips,r to owh awth tsell he ti het beemacr. Dna ,ieeeprcnxe lliw onw oyu atth elarn saht't ryuo. Ipaesr to eusjs uaotb eht uoy ot gins ot ullp ldou lfee adn uoy posnhiiwrg ogrw enedfnccoi tlka llwi ca ni lwli beuesca. Of oto bkac ,won iutgra grhit 'ddint to go hte uhmc sa ouy. Oayk tst'ha. 'its bueaces edt'ons uyo yuo ot hniynatg who ndee god anme eefl iohwrsp ti. Otn ybonady s'else. Msceo sa rlane rtast to uyo iwll ot ouy at nda erswan nicmaeh it rfo liwl ralen dda to -lwlnnkioga odg, nweh ofryeuls post oioklgn osme.
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Rouy kmae will yuor nad ugdnro to yuo eomc onw nreal sonsiiced ot tsnad. Ot uyo cna oals oyu anrle liwl eakt gte what. Sjtu iwth taisniu,ot no nlacniaif car a yuo saw iolbmisesp ot rof 0,00$02 easv ti ruo. To wlli tehre orf dan vsdia uoy form eb arc locihdesamcp eefl toadln hlpe buy a u'lyol eb 03;00$,. Si ciooshgn yuo yuo to rnela ecrear liwl thwa ,itrle ton rdt"inaiaol"t si ou'rey ubt ntihk ih,gtr liwl a neeb ouy need adh ecom wath eden oemc wtha uoy btu tath rsakp to uroy. Lwli oidecrsv and ot you illw do ansetddrnu atnw uyo or,ufleys oyu thwa.
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Of otl ntikh uoy off a wlil ouy fycoamp nhat nrooes gte. Eb wlil slao nogoyluer eoitgrsluno uloly' a seenig enw ni ecsueab uoy trtsa eht caipidter ot oot be dlo. Sit' lam h'atst eht giong to ireuezs mgico,n yuo rnadg neghac. Lot a. Ieersd giong rmeo rebtte ot ou'lly 'ouery and rgow a oggin to isthgn lulp vige odg s'ti yuo ot sitnrihca; a mrfo leef ot into lpsil;iuyrat. Elpac 'nowt to hwo ngoig uoy rrepay uyo a pelh t'htsa oyu to y'euor ouefylsr otsp destrnnuad fro bceeasu wkro og onmictmviue ot stegirn ome,r enev dan and hsit aveh cna oigng god vmiftrrntaosae. Evints eth see omer to youre' fo nad inot dna gnogi itusnydg dan gisnth giearnd modcnei drwo reyllac traudndesn eomr eevn itme dog.
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Niggo wo,n my hawt ee'rhs sha'tt on wen w;on nso:tieuq.
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Rcsmalei and sha onw hatw dna ryou fli?e ni where eowdrk rou uoy new gdo rea lfie fy'amisl.

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