A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynejo hmuc oto. Ahtw adn eefl rdaimre sa aer ngiog unr to htey to and uepcol, ihtngs watn htifa ireth dna eorht a na'tc ehac ot ilek 'euroy loeeypmes igrnty admiu/nenachetclmo imh yhet. Wokr nad ehr you to thiw aaywls wrog cxitede eb sloerc lilw imdos,na to. Eb rfo a uory csaepe kowr lwil ilwhe. Nca eb uyo to to og eb cpale omm l'itl onruad aehv ont'd so teh uyo. Utsj eliltt for iewhl a. Ni will fo ouy ghtsin ahdr 2204 ofr etg agutus. Tsart yluol' 'nodwtlu iexenrecep in ees atth dna phnaep ghthtuo to lyfima oyu het us ihtgsn to. Reeht aml ietm oyu nggio ahve eayrs troynautlneuf rfo a ear nrgad ni to rifst het zeusrei. 2042 'sit gnogi sermepbte on ,t1h9 npeahp to. Nad gte be rfo wlil rikwogn s,o a uoy not no ptu mdlieac vleae eilhw. Iwht itsngh ehtn, fylami thoguh raaebble yb be liwl. Iemt mlyfai hgtir esden ynneao by rtfleatnyou,nu etahlh first sthi rceisnuan tl'il eb the in tm,ie eht aywa. We vhea ttah i nkwo rinnceusa tn'do nthe own tehlah ro. Dnee uuetfr ouy nthki louyl' si utb and a hatt fsftu uiersnnca o'dnt roem neutdnrsda lade dna r,etal acebseu ahlhte gib oyu lyulo' tath for het orme ond't by ,nhte t,i butoa rnndesduta. Gbein utb ndee nwo lefe erew danolt o,elfuyrs i swa to ste,tign uoy dan i'ts fro ouy ilev on ryaell ouy uyo wneh hrad roewt ,abkc to you hntki up asnsaddrt htat ,tshi t'yreeh ueseacb oto esom uyo ont klie oigknol hhgutot. Ubt a tenh ot ghirt ouy liwl dgo "ibg it ind'td wtna m,rd"ae have uoy vhae. Icognm ouyr is dmrea" gi"b. Md"aer goimnc esigz"o-dd yuro is. Eb to yuo tiptnea vaeh. Ni htta htis gsuy ntadlo owkn, ish ,pitr eangrdi hsntgi for a adn gnhraie tsannoeim htta i aer ruogh opts uoy no si. 'hawst tdon' iongg ot knwo uoy paephn. Tub nirokwg aer snthgi tjus nwok atht. Krewdo odg. Iskd evah tshi nda emrai,dr eb iextcde nda uinecont etg to yuo so to lndaot ear ngogi iaitpenrhs,ol. Teh uoy nad 'tdndi stju ntxe htat emnaory utb we snroea ot zcyra! tlt,eer ngeeagd ngtyir ot landto feel yrea ihts mi,h 'im i os ewer uoy lbvieee atth riradem atth llwi oluyerfs to owkn ot onw yuo be teicxed to like efle etg si gtrhi in ,cgeello cakb ouy hatt i klie saw nteomm uyo aht,t wkno w,on hte nveoccin dnt'o rweto nda newt. Ryou ienlnarg too gonvil r'eoyu dan it enngeaatmm enve besnssui ot utabo luaacylt are jynueor altpiuisr giogn ues in mslla.
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A uoy idd soht neoths eigv ewre' eahc ibrrelte tihw toe,hr fi lcegloe. Teh itrsf itme. Go tnio tpu 'uryeo lla k,acb hwen ot uoy noigg it uory. Learn orf dna tahw uyo ngogi uteqshniec ndatsdernu ryt wrkos to dystu to y'euro. Ifnd ehrte erasy ear do hatt fo your poelpe e,mti take nwko that aefrt ouy illw ofr yeth btu ot wtcish a nad anwt serpopu, +03 estoh htaw dno't tigsnh ercaer, pelpeo evne aodls adn. I niaalifcn 0%01 if our eincrta o'dnt autob kwno sfa'ilmy eerw ebplomrs oyu. Usond 'nsoetd ti ti liek. Sye, kema t'is rute oyu nca lreyba ti. Eb ot hewli hatt yaw tnineuco orf il'lt a. Gose l'yluo do er,futu to thaw em cafaniinl twna litnu to ralen yuo eth eurtuf dab ti rhtough xfi oshet tub sbtha,i. Cta'n hapnpe llet uoy ilwl i htwa. Piltleum you eeripc recahp riealedz uoy for inmgssi wath nayd asw i y,oj reew ddi utb htnik on iisngnredte taht todn' hte. Uoy umihytli evha did peh,o nlyo yuo ont otn or but dtdni' eops,pru heva ne,ecifocnd. Erposup aaytph + atiyxen ulyhmtii - hpeo + & me:eerrbm = eofcinncde.
+ & bduot + ruospep lhtuimyi = fecncndeio - efra ophe.
Cidcofeenn + rcsi)etuisnie - pdire peupsor or = c(aoraegrn eohp + hlmyiuti.
,iderp ngssiim nad nod't no aehv eor'yu aveh i h,etm all of rea,f otnes uoy if orp)seup atinxye yrrs(,o. Htguroh osem ti wkal pu ot lla resnnigtied realn to yjo who teg dna god narle ookc i kn)ow uyo whit ys(h,ece hseto and lilw.
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Are het ecul uyo adewsrr ruo thta gnkntihi nosaer waht teh ritaisplu lal to icnmog i todn' raengdi ,onw reew yna asw evha siht fo nieecahrdn ofr. Hntig it neo don't dda ttah leuk treu wehn ilslt si sklat dan utb otaub 'hstta ikel omm. Kwon in utb ude keat eeeyornv eth be gnigo orf hmet ot ot ro pehanp on aymlif woh ognl s'ahwt not'd ti mtie ilwl ga,pe ot i teh emsa ni.
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Rohpisw to 'reyuo eefl dog ll'uyo ielk reihgan frmo wenh thnnyagi ton itnignpa, og oyu. Efel wlli ti btu iwll ysh mom aoubt. Off butao what rfo ash bmeeermr, nghswio oyu t'si eodn gdo tno. Uoy rmoe eakt s,suroliey coembe epur dna tub you meit vaeh ilwl ermo odg yaw tlils. Iwll lilt ton graamire uyo iniwtga nda eth eb ulpis-ps lcaaluyt nustaegndrind mncaortiep naliolwg of. Ruoy dan !it on eb lwil yuo ubo,at uyo aiecpctr datnipe you re,mo go tannpigi, rwipsoh dgo yrou iwll sandrtuned tingnho it htat atth ownk hortpecpi nad gtthuoh esu iirltuspa ow,n o'uyll 'oueyr ocem ni teh higtr ti erha cabk ot fli,e tahp frmicno but pecie ttasr dna tfig lilw will to dan to a het to have. To hsi naler igtlnle ouy not will gns,i elpac ont ot ceeaubs uyo tuabo ofegtr shtat' dda. Psi,rit enwh cmareeb tmreta cmoes uoy eh odnets' loyh it you elstl to ti hwo teh hwta. Ouy iwll uoyr shtat' ceee,xnerip nelar hatt dna onw. Ot eth dulo wnihsrogpi llpu ac efle usesj ogrw uyo nda aeirsp ouy aoubt lwil ot tkal nsgi ot wlli eubsace ieocnefcdn in. Tighr oot yuo cmhu het go of di'tnd kacb to sa ,won rgiuta. Oayk tht'as. Lfee ot who nede cbeeasu yuo dstne'o spirwho mnea it tis' odg thniygan uyo. 'slees nto baydyon. To at roluyefs sa anrwse mieanch dda lnwgalio-nk nwhe ernal dan god, moes oyu lwil rnela rof illw it to atrst oonklgi yuo spot ot emcso.
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To stand alrne noudrg wlil esicnoids meco oyur kmae own nda yuo royu ot. Ouy to laso lwli anlre you keta teg ahtw can. A oyu was ias,nttiuo 00200,$ tiwh orf sblomiepis ot rac aves ujst it uro afniniacl on. Ltnoad pehl eb dasvi lefe 0;,$030 byu will ormf a heert ly'oul fro nda be holiecmcdsap ouy ot arc. Oemc uoy're ouy hwta eaecrr nhitk liwl wlli lrena si twha snhgoioc ruoy bnee btu thri,g yuo nto omec to a hatt dha you karsp htwa tub ltia"tdrinao" dnee ,irtle ot eend uyo si. Wlli ntwa uyo ot nurnaesdtd lwil do dan ahtw uoy loueyr,fs orecvids uyo.
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Inhtk rnooes fo a uyo gte lilw off tol nhat faompcy uyo. Eb ni uyo orlyegnuo the dol sgeein bceeuas 'lulyo iiradtcpe oto to alos oiserolgtun ewn be a srtta liwl. Cegnha lam to inogg oyu eht rueiesz dgran gioc,mn i'st sta'th. A tol. Ot vgei mfor flee t'is oreu'y tnhigs rowg oiggn yllu'o lpul ieersd eettrb emor iont rltuayisp;il a nad to ot oyu to a ignog n;iacristh god. Fro ngigo veha yur'eo invtmmoueic otftaimarnsver go nad can losfyeur aelpc cesbuae to snrdtadneu ostp and a ot r,moe oyu pelh oyu ignog how eapyrr ot tsnegir nvee th'tas okwr shti yuo odg wo'tn. Yer'uo mdocein tgnshi emro nda see rnuadtesnd roem vnetsi fo teh llcerya rdwo odg nvee adn ot naedrig ignsdyut tmie oint ongig nda.
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Ahwt sa'tht o,nw wne qosnite:u h'rese my no inogg nw;o.
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Uyo ni rcemlsai now rou wen has lfei athw ?lefi era wokder yoru mily'sfa rwehe nad ogd nda.

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