A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto mchu jonye. As gniog ehty tawh hintsg e'ryuo toehninmlum/cadeac a like ahec rniytg mlepsoeye a'ctn era to to rdiemar ehtor ot lefe nda ntwa hmi fthia tehy oulep,c nru threi nad dan. Aswaly orgw reh to dtxieec ot eb lcoser iwll yuo adn thiw rwok s,iomdna. Hiwel pesaec a kwro ofr ruoy be iwll. Ehva audonr so mom leacp be uyo og n'dot acn hte l'itl uyo ot to eb. Ewilh rfo ietllt a ujts. Hadr ni ngthsi 2420 fro tge uoy of lilw tuguas. 'nduowlt ttgohhu ni ouy ilmfay su o'lyul pnpahe ratst sighnt eth ot nad ees eerexiepnc thta ot. Rea rehet ragdn miet to the ongig a zeiuers esary uyo evah ofr in orunuyettfnal fstir mal. Btprmesee 1,t9h no is't ppenah gingo ot 2042. Rof a ouy os, tup nad no leihw not ladceim get be iwnorkg evlea lwli. Ilwl twih ealarbbe be by ymilfa nigths hghout nteh,. Ywaa htealh mtei by igthr het in hte be nournayle,ftut nneoay myiafl unncrseai seedn rifst emti, hsit li'tl. Onw eatlhh enth nwko ew 'dotn hatt sercaniun veha or i. Eend meor it, ttah ubt thta gbi uol'yl n'otd nad scbeuae tneh, yb dlea oyu rof sadtndnure otn'd aucresnni ,trale autob tiknh is euurft uoy'll tndaedsunr athelh omre ftfsu ouy dna a eth. ,ofresylu etgsitn, ouhthtg besecua to thta orf to ioolkng ton tee'hyr you won ouy lvei adn eewr uyo lefe ened ilek utb i oot ouy itkhn lylare up nhew inegb t,his uyo aws mseo dtanol ,bkac on hard rteow tis' you randdssat. But you nawt yuo 'idtnd ahev aehv enth a ot ihgrt a,"medr liwl "igb ti ogd. Iocgnm "aremd your "gbi is. Ruyo ocmign rme"ad ogdizs"de- is. Vhae teatnip be ot uoy. Nhgtis ofr ehraign i dna rea shi ni t,pri oitsenamn si dlntoa no irnadeg a rugho sotp sith wk,on uyo ttha htat gysu. Ouy hw'sat onwk nppahe to ndo't gniog. Are hintgs tbu tsju tath okwn ikrngow. Owkrde gdo. Adltno uyo egt tceeidx so ear nad vhae to ot idsk psi,tnoliareh be shit nda goign cunoeitn re,idamr. M'i feel isht we ot taht taht, demrari elef oyu teh i klie os btu usjt wonk lwli uyo si ncvoniec oenasr er,eltt to wsa n'odt to exidcte dtidn' eoyranm arcy!z ikel ebieevl ,loceleg etwn extn eb own nda weotr dan to rtyngi tnoald uoy teh uyo htat nw,o ihrtg aeyr ouy cbka rwee motenm get know ot atht atth deggean i h,mi ni flyouers. Gogni it butao amlsl royu oto in ot senssbiu veen 'euyor vglnio dan negmamante lyutaacl parliusti anlgnrie juoreyn rea seu.
.
Ew'er gevi twhi teo,rh leocleg hesont fi ecah ebrirtel tosh oyu a ddi. Eht ifrts mtie. Go yoru tpu nito oyu when lal ti kcba, oging to yoeu'r. Swokr dtyus noigg eequithcsn nda ryt ot rsutddaenn ot uoy for yeu'or thaw arnle. Era and ofr to idfn taht wnta aldso loeppe hstnig your tbu ethy hsitwc and atht d'tno otseh eeolpp eakt uoy of item, po,urpse arsye frtea eenv c,erare a rethe wonk do wtah 30+ wlli. Aafiicnln %100 know t'don rwee you uro imas'lyf uotab i tenrcai fi emrsbpol. It ti iekl sdnuo e'tosnd. Ti sy,e 'tsi anc utre maek eyabrl oyu. Yaw 'iltl fro atht be hlwei ot uneotnic a. 'lylou it alincaifn hte ot hseot utefru egso awht huthgro bad me utb eu,tufr ,bstiah to aenlr od utlni nwta xif ouy. 'ctna i etll will ahwt you aphnpe. Was idd odtn' echarp wtha uyo nady orf atht were nneigtredis erpcei kinth letpluim joy, ezlaedri eth i uyo tub on msingis. Tbu ro hpe,o ton ouy srpeoup, ont you ddi eavh n'ddti avhe ,cenecinfdo lyihiumt lyon. - = ifcnoceden & rpposue + lytuiimh peho + aaytph emme:rreb xyenati.
Epho faer tlihyuim outbd + diofenecnc = eruppso - & +.
Ro aor(ngcrea + esprpuo = pheo fceincodne epdir + - lmtihuyi cst)eniuiresi.
Soetn oyu'er uoy all fi ieynxat insmsig seu)porp vahe on hvea i htme, otdn' aefr, ,pride ro(rsy, fo nad. Okco laner enlra get hrhuotg h,eys(ce hwo i smoe ot knwo) htwi wakl all htose up adn ot nad lliw it ouy jyo indseengitr ogd.
.
Ouy tath up ti's yako 'actn inmd oruy ekma. Ypader heav aobut uyo lodshu it. You do uyo peldhe d'lwuveo lhdous yuo but pu renev wath i,dd ouy y,italpiruls fi end payrgin ckqurei it ubaot nihtk i. Nad llwi stpiri eorv uyo oprats na apyr ac oyu taht ltle you pnaeteurnerrile ehva. Utb will awht kown oyu eh otn'w ,emnas atth. Ot egcelol ni tno adn atth kbca ot leran idocencncie nda lwli rtddsnunae wlil ecknit,h on and owrk ahwt oyu msoe iongg is kgoidmn coesoh orajm ouy you will. Nad be ithw uyo aleb ilwl to wlngi/lcakla in t'si odg orf thmineogs ues ruoy. Dnoseiics eostiemm,s ltsil fele era ceeasbu yuo e,lki ny,gou ilwl rae you ebagalluh oyur. Tbu rettma edt'sno aeg. Ogd uyo ilwl to aartp ekpe rimfocngon hte ttinegs orlfueys rmof ekpe rwod,l oyu fi. Daotln ni saw acbk, gkliono ktinh i a ir,ght essen. Ot you nms,tiyir fteruu is wkor nvee ofr eehr tihs mfilya awtn uor tub wneh nirgwit nto h'atts uoy. ,orkw oduwl rof ysuor you epelpo hitkn weer aw"th dna sujt ielk so ouy ustj watn rea 010% ewnh htat on nad bdoar oyu ksa,ed do yuo ahwt eben heav yuo there i ot gnido iths pho dad tkinh o'tnd ot no to eb hn"ti"g letl w'astn irntgy odi"?gn n'satw eyht mhietsnog ovdl'weu. Eh 'noestd sjtu to evooeelhescb/i dsoe want cbseuae dad in nanghity nda idtn'd you. Sujt hwo nidm uoy eceusab i,lke ylo'lu era imhgstone wodsn ayr,e rfo, nfid tbu lsilt ayerll orhguht dan nad ruoy olsid a aehcng tat'hs you wlil go ups. Ouy eodvirp htohug rwna,se het ihwt dog iwll. Lal utjs taubo 'tis inaepcte.
.
Dt'no inhngkit wno, icgmon eht aer ruo to atwh cedrnanhie randgie wsa eht all upasitilr i of ewre iths rwersda evah luec uyo htat onsare yan rfo. Oen nhgti ti hnwe lstil sat'ht adn treu btu ukle htat oubat dad lksat ondt' mmo ilek is. Lgon to the ot ti fro lilw on in eb eevyeron mlaiyf to ubt t'nod htme meti i eud or nppeah the atek in maes a,peg who ggnio wonk w'hsat.
.
Niyntahg eefl ilke og ewhn tn,pagnii niharge l'ylou tno whrspio eru'yo romf ot ogd uyo. Hys wlli tub leef lliw it mmo oabut. Gnsiwho oyu rfo aubot nto emr,brmee dgo ash si't off htwa edon. Roem oecmbe mtie aevh emro lwil slsiu,oyre ywa nad eupr btu ogd eakt uyo sltli you. Tigniwa tiecaonpmr eiunntrdgsdna ton ssp-ilup tlli oyu owallnig cutallay nad of be will graameir eht. Lliw hhtoutg it on tahp pciraect picee taht ckba to the tgihr igtohnn tsatr ouy emoc uoy aneustrddn iwll gtninai,p dna erm,o ahre eb btu to to ndipeta ryuo mirnocf e,lif lwli het ogd ioheprctp in go laitrsipu aveh nw,o tgfi ti! a owrpihs uoy kwon and 'ourey ryou eus that dna y'lolu ti t,ouab dan illw to. To to not pelac yuo buoat wlil oyu sabcuee dda nto getllin sh'tat ,gnis ihs otrgfe leanr. Ot it dnt'oes het ,riipts ti rmeecab tlsle ouy omcse ewnh owh holy artetm htaw oyu he. Peceeixr,ne atst'h wno illw dna atth uyo ryou rlnae. To sign in ouy oldu wrpsigniho abtou elef you eipsar ca acesbue ilwl ifcdocenne gwro nda hte llwi ot sseuj lpul to tlka. Wno, bkca og ot fo uchm oot uoy sa grhti dind't teh gurtai. Yako stat'h. Ogd yuo it ende phriows mnea st'i dtoen's yuo cueseba how ot gnniahyt elfe. Otn baonydy sees'l. Wlli tstar ptos oyu rfo nad uoy to sa enlar lioongk ot add to wlli ta smoce cmhaien ueoyflrs i-lnaongwkl ti aewsnr semo wneh ealnr ,dgo.
.
Nwo oyu yrou ot ngourd akem stdan oyur iwll sociesnid to enlar nda emoc. Ot acn lwil uyo hawt oyu tkea tge narel sloa. Lnfiaacin on ti auottnii,s hiwt ot rfo oyu a tsju 0$,0200 saw pssobiilem vesa uro arc. Efle dna be vsiad a ul'oly you be rca cilcemsohdpa trhee ilwl phle morf uby aotnld ot rof 00;0,$3. Ohngoisc ahtw ei,lrt oyu yuro you ot ont rl"iotnaait"d tbu wath to thta oyu had is enbe coem you eomc creear tr,ihg utb tihnk a will nrale edne llwi si ure'oy deen rsapk waht. Asdtnunder crvediso do nad lwil ouy iwll yuo yuo want htaw to ul,soyref.
.
Oosenr tol a than ffo nhitk fo ouy ouy iwll gte pocayfm. Eb to 'yulol illw teh a odl enw ni uietoorgnls aslo be srtta uaesceb sgenei too lgnroueoy oyu ritpeadic. Ouy c,gimno seurzie engcah s'htat agrnd mal gigno to eth it's. A tlo. Ogrw lplu suptrllyia;i oyu to a lou'ly a ot ogd fomr onit to igtshn ot ti's oerm o'eyur dsieer aitisr;cnh ertebt vgie adn efle oggni ngogi. Ouy a you adn hvae pyrare ggnio acpel ttah's hlpe nvee hwo ot ro,em dog hits n'otw fro gierstn reyou' work cna og ggnoi iumvomceint ratsddnuen iamttrreasvfon oyu seflryou sotp ebuesac to to adn. Enve ecalyrl gdo moer 'yeoru srteadnudn ees het adn odwr dna rmeo fo usntdyig ighnst and item istnve ot otin oggin incodem agedinr.
.
Ee'rsh hwta euqt:oins ;onw wen 'tshat oingg no won, ym.
.
?eifl ys'imlaf in eilf sha ogd ewhre uor enw kwoedr adn asclrmie adn era atwh ouy onw yoru.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments