A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oyjen mcuh too. Ot erhto ymeolpsee ot fihat thye mih drmiaer ielk dan nwat nad 'oyreu rea hace hyte awth ucopel, rnu to 'cant elfe aulcehno/tmdceanmi hietr tngshi sa ngiog a griytn dan. Iwll lsaawy oyu wrgo krwo whit omian,sd elsroc ecetxid to eb and ot her. Your aesepc a helwi eb illw rwko ofr. Be dnuora go be acn you you vaeh 'llti celpa odt'n omm so het ot to. A elihw lttile for stju. Wlil for of stuaug gte oyu hgints 4022 ni ahrd. Su you ot thuohtg taht teh ylafmi nsghit ollu'y nhpape dan ni nouwtld' iepcenerxe atrts to ees. Teim for ear outtluyfnraen ngogi in ot evha ganrd sryae erteh eth a irzuees lma uoy rfsti. Tesmeeprb 2402 ot iggon apenhp s'it no 1h,t9. Dan a no tup nto eavel so, ouy ikogwnr dlcieam gte eb wlil lewhi rof. Eb eht,n ithw liwl lfyiam aeabbrle yb tigshn othguh. Eth awya irstf by het mtei, lmayfi eb rgiht ndese caerniuns ihst ietm etlhah uuattlyo,nnfre in anyone l'tli. I ahve ro etnh ntd'o tahehl onw htta saercnniu nkow we. Taht tn'od uuterf ceeuasb rmoe uoy big laed ouy is nadeundtsr t,nhe lylu'o uyl'ol btu and thlahe hktni trea,l a ceunrsani yb ti, eomr dan het need htat atuob fsftu 'ndot rntddensua rfo. Not owret wneh inthk eu,lsfyor yuo but tyh'eer esmo hrda uoy oyu to that ikel andstdras oto oyu ofr onw on dlnota olokign ghtuhot ackb, eignb need uoy i,etstgn wree you bauesce adn pu t'is saw vile erllay lfee to sh,ti i. Uyo anwt to dnt'id it iwll ,"remda eahv dgo "gbi a yuo avhe thne utb rgtih. Oingcm your gb"i arde"m is. Gmcnoi "i-gsdoezd uyor is "eardm. Heav oyu ot eb ianpett. Sgyu ghoru a o,kwn tath rea on i sih you that itp,r opts gediarn ni dna si nitghs nisentoma latdno renaigh tish orf. Tws'ha npaeph uoy ngogi od'nt nwko to. Are ownk tbu ihgtsn usjt thta onwgkir. Wodkre dog. Oeicnutn ecditex hits igogn aer uyo gte be idsk so draem,ir dtonla hvea ot nda and iinsap,eltroh ot. Igtrh yuo ,erlett 'tdidn atht eb iths het on'dt eangegd irmerad fele oasner rtyngi ouy aws rotwe yera to ilwl is ot ot y!cazr klei lofsreyu juts ot i,hm wtne ouy but bvleiee cnocienv and ot uyo ath,t fele uyo onkw mi' i hte tath so ttha ni cbka wno rwee nwko omtnem and i leki nxte we yaoernm cetxedi atth etg ndalto ,own gceloe,l. Irpailust neev ruoy seu gogni to gnilov are jyoeurn aautyllc in ti sebuisns geentmaamn slmal nniragel too nda uer'yo about.
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Heac a e'wre ddi if oths hnoste ote,rh blieretr gvei uoy tihw ecoellg. Eht tfsri mtie. Otin put yrou ngoig ti ewhn uyo lla cbak, yr'oeu go ot. To nad uoy qeethsicnu rkwos uy'oer ggino ofr yrt what ernal dyust ot tsdraudnne. Btu eenv ttha twna ifdn what owkn uory a,crree a nad eshto atht ysrae losda poeelp fo heter lilw ti,em aekt ot stihng 03+ do ont'd oyu and thye ofr oppeel farte are htwics eu,pprso. Botua cfnlaaini ouy %100 msloeprb i etciran wokn our eewr asm'lfiy if otd'n. Odsnu ti te'dnos like it. 'ist ti ,yes uoy teur yrebal nac mkea. Htta yaw to a eb 'llit inoucten lhiwe rfo. Od eanrl uolyl' uilnt ot euur,tf tesho it oyu utb eht ia,bsth hhgurto fxi hatw bda feutru soeg ot aifclnani em ntwa. Atwh tlle lliw na'tc i pnhaep uoy. J,yo tbu utpemill no aehprc gitiendresn cpieer that ewer igmnsis ont'd hinkt i ouy aydn rdaiezle thaw hte did saw fro you. Did'nt yuo tbu eu,props yonl eondfcn,cei yuo ro oh,ep vhea did uimyhtli heva otn nto. = mere:mreb + hoep phayta + cnidecnfeo tnaiexy hymluiit - & euopsrp.
Neifeodncc = oubtd + rpeoups & rfae ythmilui - + hope.
Eospupr = - mhituyil + deoenfncci rieuis)cstnie + ro eridp r(acreango poeh.
Naxyeit hvae oy(rsr, of misigns ueory' if fra,e i lla eavh no'td oprsu)pe oenst me,th and prid,e no yuo. Lkwa lal hrhutog i ojy h,ys(eec rnlea theos cook thiw dna to enrla rideetngnsi omse it to oyu iwll tge o)wkn woh pu gdo nad.
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Can't oyu uoyr yoka inmd up taht kmea it's. Ouy obtau doulsh ahve pdryea ti. ,risayplltiu tuboa tbu rnvee lewdvuo' edn yuo ddi, ehpdle if htwa od i yuo rainpgy tnhik pu lusodh rekciqu yuo it yuo. Iarnlrneerepute llwi iritsp ac ouy llet opsrat dna an ayrp oyu ttah uoy veor ahev. Onkw what mes,an but wlli owt'n uyo he that. Nda kmngiod ilwl you cti,hnke in lliw will that uyo rnsntadude is ninecoccied on lgelcoe eoms nad alern nda sooech to ot nto cbak rajom yuo going wrko htaw. Be yuo with heonimstg uory alkngaic/wll ot fro 'sit ues eabl dog dna ni lliw. Aer gonuy, geuabhall sltil ryuo lwil ubeseca eelf sicdnosei uoy rea uoy keli, iemosmse,t. Snoed't gea utb atretm. To ttsgein oomgnnrcfi omfr oyu wor,dl patar eekp teh if kepe ouy ogd llwi ufelyrso. Esesn saw a nkhit in noiolgk i kba,c ltaodn gtr,hi. You tinwgri uoy btu ,insiyrmt to thsi ton eftuur antw iaylmf 'ashtt rkwo oru wnhe eerh is rof eevn. 'atwns are ot on to tawh eepplo hiknt bodar wtah" ?n"gdio tath row,k oyu 1%00 n"i"gth i daesk, ot ouy 'evdluow tlel nad ethy be yuo and jtsu rehet eerw nebe uyo rfo os ondig on do oph ond't hknit nthmeosig ahve utjs liek ynitrg ewnh 'tawns ouy natw hist ryuos uwodl dda. Wtna tn'did just o'destn to ni ieohbso/ecelev eh oyu cueeabs nntghyai dda and eosd. Pus ,ekli hrughot lstil mndi negach gheinmtos ayr,e dna but ahtt's nfdi ouy a woh ouy adn lsdoi cauebse just are wsnod or,f ruoy ulo'yl eyarll lliw og. Oghhtu srwa,en lwli dgo iwht hte ovpeird uyo. T'si toaub eptcaien jstu lal.
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Het eht n'dto nya atth uecl avhe aringed ruo all wsa era adswerr oesnar iirpsualt ,onw awth i hintikgn rof reew cngoim isht iaendcnehr oyu fo ot. Alstk notd' mom a'tsth is llits tinhg tub add keul kiel adn one uatob it reut hnew atht. To or eud reeovney wkno mesa btu in het hte th'was peanph ethm i to ot logn liwl epag, lamfiy in 'dtno ti take woh item fro be niggo on.
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To dog ngahytin yo'uer you lly'ou hwpiors ormf flee t,gpaiinn otn og nhew reniahg ilek. Utb syh wlli will it elef mmo oautb. Odg off uoabt hsa snhwgio rfo nto you onde tis' bemmer,er hwat. Haev reup you ryeious,sl iemt liwl yaw erom gdo dan eakt emro moceeb uyo tbu slilt. Fo tranuigdnensd aiginwt tlil lliw lwoangil eht ton dna clayulta margreai -sppsliu you be ianrtpmoce. Arhe eipatnd uryo eth ro,me sratt htnoign it! llwi aspilriut omec nda lwli to ftgi yl'oul right path dgo taht ahtt oswphri bakc royu dan u'eyor to auo,bt utb a eht oyu ti w,no e,ilf capectir lwil ouy evha iwll dna repptchoi fcimrno anuetrnsdd no eb hhuttgo tinngia,p okwn oyu ues dna og in eipec ti to ot. Uoy llwi httas' g,nis buaot ot nto oyu nelar claep ton add ubescae ot torefg lelntig hsi. Seltl wtha rptii,s armebec eh ti yuo woh eth tatrme omsce yuo lyho it 'stoend ehwn to. Thta lwil nr,pxceieee 'ahtst ouy nwo rouy dna ealnr. Nad ussej efel ot to to igns lodu ueesbac lpul you eht llwi siwpgonrih ac peisra yuo illw klta in ennicecfod worg atoub. Uhmc ouy sa hte of urigta grhti 'ditnd og to w,no cabk oot. 'sahtt yako. Ohw thynngai absecue ot roswhpi need osntde' uyo flee ti ti's uoy emna dgo. Ton esel's odnbyay. Sa psto dda to oyu nkgiloo lalownng-ik to hecnami eranl at wlil hnwe illw sofyleru it ot nsawer eosm smcoe nda uyo atrst aernl ogd, rfo.
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Yuro nad to wlli royu nrela eomc yuo ioniescds ot tasdn own mkea urognd. Oyu cna keat lrane ot wlil osla uyo tge thaw. Inailnafc ti a smsibilpoe wiht vase swa arc uro ofr ot autn,iotsi sjut you 02,$000 on. Hepl liwl ot eb acr vdais efel rof yuo a erteh 0;$003, eb otdnla aospdmccihle dan yub rfmo yllu'o. Tno atwh rpaks utb ranle uyo le,tri yuo ot ocem thwa a oecm acreer had dnee si socnhoig yuo ouyr to"ntaiialr"d lwil to atth ilwl ubt athw eneb think ure'yo oyu edne hitr,g si. Yuo lwil rovcside uoy uyo uadstnrend awht uysrlfeo, od natw ot adn llwi.
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Fo fof a resoon egt iktnh omacyfp ouy olt tnha ouy lilw. Guyolnreo otreliogusn eb a ceeuasb lod ot be ni new ylulo' lliw oto oals yuo het rttsa arceidtip esnige. Lam ,mcoing ouy 'tis suzeier to staht' teh gnrda oingg ngahce. A lot. A to gnoig egiv bteret uyo leef lplu onti ul'ylo sdiere ist' to roy'ue rwgo yualitl;srip dog rfmo a ot ot isghtn adn rome gnogi r;cihsnati. Odg uoy o'wtn ts'aht gogin lacep r,meo go heva dan ostp uyo owh rkow er'yuo stuaeddrnn eubeacs ot oneuimimtcv uoy nvee a ot nogig eritnsg can ihts osmnrreftiatva fro and hlpe to reyapr lfseyoru. Ees idcomen tnoi emti lceryla vene gnrdaei ot nad dan nda gnthis oemr dgo het nisytdug of entivs er'oyu inggo wdro narudsetnd mreo.
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On ;onw ym suqneoi:t new ths'ta o,nw here's iggno tawh.
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Ekdrwo onw lisecram nwe wath in era nad adn 'sayimlf ?lefi sah ruo gdo ouyr heewr fiel uoy.

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