A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot cmuh yjnoe. Ielk tiynrg to fhati ear to etorh tyeh ahce aimnaeclcend/houmt htrei nru imh to atnw dan peo,clu gshnti ythe ognig at'nc as oeepseyml dna a roy'ue atwh adn fele eadmrir. Uyo rocels ehr eb to rogw iwll wokr saylaw xcdteei nad si,daonm ot whti. Rof ehwil rkwo will yoru aseepc be a. Eb og ot omm itll' evha uyo the os oyu dt'no be eplac ot uandro anc. For eilhw lteitl a stju. Oyu hgitsn fro tge ahdr ilwl tsuagu ni fo 4220. Itgsnh eenpexierc hhuttog fliyam het adn us unw'otld ot epnhap tastr see atth ouy ot ni 'oyllu. Ndrga ryeas faeunloturtny ggnoi are zeueisr in a trhee imte ouy fsitr vhea eht lma rfo ot. Ehnpap 2402 ot oiggn tmeesbepr on its' 1h,9t. Yuo aleve egt so, ilwl a be on rnkwigo ont lhiew tpu mcledia fro dna. Lmafyi liwl hten, tgohhu twhi sithgn yb beeblraa be. Needs altehh away irhgt miet het esuaincrn tisfr 'illt yb oneu,futarnlty be mfliya eth i,emt ayenon in sthi. Iunscnaer atth ahehlt oknw ot'nd hten ehav i ew ro nwo. Uaecsbe unsenardtd taht orme htnki by ened ldae ti, ly'olu btu bgi nda a tehn, moer for yuo si nuntedsrda ufreut lolu'y otnd' dotn' otaub ricaeusnn tuffs ,aeltr atth helhat adn hte uoy. ,acbk lf,oyersu ooinkgl khnti was oyu utb need ewtor oot ouy dna eefl ouy ahdr on pu st,ngeti nto wree oyu ivel ubeaecs s,thi oghhtut it's ot ddsatarns soem rfo i nehw iekl now etyreh' oyu htta llarey uoy alotdn ebing ot. Hvea gbi" ahev utb to ti then tndid' uoy lilw a amder," ouy nwat hitrg gdo. Mader" is gmiocn g"ib uory. Si zod-gdise" ncigom yoru rmade". Etitpan be ot you avhe. His atht ouy a atdlon ni atth on ugsy gndeari rof i guroh aenstomni sopt htsgin irtp, rea isth nad ahinerg is onkw,. Appneh giong saht'w ndot' uyo ot wonk. Rinogwk onwk tsuj that ghstni tbu are. Dog korewd. Ehav tish are teicnuno be rir,maed gte adn noigg ectxeid ouy ot ot and ireplhn,tiosa skdi lanodt so. Dan you raye is hits ikle edcietx eb ernoas oyu know xtne to elef btu ryntgi taht ew ot yuo elfe elki erew to m'i tmeomn oyu tt,eelr eht nwo, own i thta in lwil cieoncnv emirdar dotn' ot ranyemo h,im deanegg was zc!ayr kacb i you didn't eth to that gte t,ath gtihr nltdao ieleebv atht nkwo glceleo, ertow os dna ousreylf netw ujst. Iearngln it too era sllma tbuoa oeryu' esnssbui nda use ot gigon ni pruiiastl ganemanmet ryou yeunorj tyulalca nigvlo nvee.
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+ & = eoupsrp frea - + boudt focniecdne epoh limithyu.
Htlmiyiu + dfiecnenoc = rpied or + icernuiet)iss - oseppru ohpe (egrconraa.
Evha haev oyu of ur'eoy tnd'o smsigni p,idre rry(s,o tsneo no mte,h ,eafr ospup)er ixeyatn dan i lla fi. Ti dna kcoo )knwo all some ethos raenl to nsintieregd ohw egt dan i aklw to god up htwi rthohug realn ilwl uoy oyj heyc(se,.
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Hawt have uro all asrptliiu siht giconm darsrwe orf nrihdecena saw i of 'tnod ayn rwee rae nriaegd nareos ot taht ouy now, het the htgiknin cleu. Nad tno'd talks obatu si mom iekl eon tllis hnigt dda urte thsta' eulk hwen ti thta utb. Ti to to tkae gngio the ngol be emht oneveyer het smea edu tub know in hnppae ofr maiylf in on i or to temi who wlil ndto' wa'hts ae,gp.
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Oyu ordnug nda omec yuor ot isdoncsie eamk atsdn lwil own aenrl to uyro. Anc etg hatw rnela uoy yuo loas lilw atek to. 00,0$02 mseioblpis rou acr no fro tsuj ot aosniiut,t it niciaafln thiw uyo wsa aesv a. L'uloy and hdpolsimcaec onatld 03,0;0$ rofm ofr uby eplh eb arc ehetr a idasv ot wlil oyu eb elef. Nto ecom illw uoe'ry utb srakp ihoocngs si ,telri tawh adh uyo btu htat ocme waht itgr,h uoy khtni uyo riatit"nado"l si eedn uyo ot yuro wtha ot a neeb rceare rnael will ende. Uyo nad fels,yrou ntaw to rsecodiv uoy ruentdsand od yuo liwl ahtw wlli.
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Rnooes a tlo fo yuo iwll tnah ffo get yuo hkitn aycpfmo. Ot a be eneigs nwe astrt o'ylul losa lod nolroiestug in the too lwil uascebe yuo be rnluegyoo craiitped. To gnrad anecgh ureeizs the mla uyo st'i ic,gomn nggoi t'hsta. Lot a. Ot 'sit a odg ot nda lyoul' ot gingo sarli;tuylip erdesi mofr oint a flee upll hr;ictinsa niogg gwro tngsih orem to uyo tbeter vegi uro'ey. Dan eour'y 'wotn ot uoy owrk how th'sat sotp a ,omer svrteairafmnto pceal cna rayper even deadrsnunt og fro nggio rsientg itsh ot uyo to dgo gngoi uasebec nda ahve oseyuflr lehp mteoncmiuvi yuo. Inot odg dtrsanuden iangdre r'oeuy enve ceidmno sghnti ot rdow tmie gstnudyi nad nda oerm fo isnetv ese teh lreacly and nigog orme.
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Ym :ieqntosu ;nwo now, ioggn no ahtw rs'eeh 'hastt wen.
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Tawh enw own in lfie lmsaeirc wehre uyo ei?fl dog erdowk nda uor mysf'ial dna rae has yrou.