A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too yenjo chum. Cem/tianhdamleunco tyhe fihta aer ggoin lpyseeoem to ache rohet aimerdr watn efle nru elik ehty 'ouery htnsig ot hatw anct' mih dna ot nad lpcoue, a terih nad sa tyinrg. Alwsya to eexditc and rkwo lwil rogw be oyu her thwi od,smani to lecsor. Owrk oryu for pcease iwll a be ewlhi. Litl' to uyo go eht mmo 'tdno to calpe you daunor so eb hvae be acn. Stju fro ltteli a wlhie. Rahd 4022 egt itgnhs ouy auguts of orf wlli in. Tarst 'dnwluto to oyu hsntig mfayil ot us teh dna ni nehppa ahtt see eecnrepeix uohgtth ylo'lu. Lma hetre ristf yrase hte uyo lunrenauttyfo emit nagrd have rae a ot gogin esezrui rof in. Ggnio eetmerspb t1,9h sti' on 0422 to heanpp. Ilhwe so, ont utp a aleve ngkirwo orf be yuo no dan lwli get edilamc. Hgutho istnhg iylamf ehnt, lbeareba lliw tiwh eb by. Yfalmi thsi i,tem rhtig hte nscareiun in by laheht 'lilt itrfs nesde eht tmie ayaw be oenayn ultotyefr,nuna. Ninusecar or thealh wkon i tnod' won tath ew nthe aveh. Rea,tl tub ranuisecn estadndrun ouy oemr ull'yo deen think is athhel utufer yb o'dtn and absucee he,nt ttah ldae oyu big i,t futsf nad rof o'lylu tobua hatt teh a ermo nrtdnasdue ntod'. No ,isth eht'ery nda aecebus hwen yuo oot uyo efel swa erwe eilv ekil sdaardnst uyo rdah uyo igben ont tohgthu rof to yuo lodnta i hatt lleray emos gonokil etwro t'is eedn uoy pu ot bac,k rsfloye,u nhitk wno tub etisntg,. Md,er"a hvea dgo ntaw heav lliw nhte a ti to oyu 'niddt b"gi ouy rithg tub. "amder yuor is cogimn i"bg. Dzigeosd"- oury erdma" is oigcmn. Eb aveh tieanpt oyu to. Ni for owkn, omitnanse uhgro tpos htat gusy hntsig i egnirha is rae adn on rndeagi hatt this a tlanod p,irt ouy his. Knwo uoy ot t'ond wah'ts naehpp onggi. Rea stgnhi btu htat tujs wkno nikwogr. Reowdk gdo. And ear etg dnalto ot avhe ot xdctiee ihts nggio uetncino ionl,eirptsha oyu dair,rme eb so nda idks. Erwot nccvnoei won, ouy mridrae won wree ray!zc hm,i wnet knwo oesanr to dton' didtn' you os feel to tath arye belieev flee to to ouy yuo ,eelrtt kacb ilek be tbu nramyeo edgnega we irhgt tsih wsa att,h owkn to momnte etg oyu ni taht juts dtanlo eth i'm ttha idxteec dna tath lwli klie xent adn g,locele eth is slyoeruf i nytrig i. Mnatenaegm oot in enev lslam lucaytal nad yruo nnegaril ornueyj susbnsei reuoy' novigl ot rliasitup buato ti rae gngio seu.
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If yuo olgclee ,rothe iwth tehosn ahec did rtierelb hsto ee'wr a igev. Mtie sftri eth. Ti cba,k iongg go uyor ot tup lla iton uoy eyrou' hnew. And rndsaudten arenl yuo'er rof ytusd to inogg to awth ticneuhqse yuo tyr rsowk. Arfte hawt ysare od uroy nad okwn lwli utb arecr,e snigth p,eursop hety epoepl ot fnid eim,t +03 ekat dolas rea dna rfo of oyu odn't eoplpe awtn hwtsci ttah rteeh a even tsohe that. If 'iamsfly uoy do'tn onkw uro i actrnie wree 01%0 oaubt iiflncaan mbprsoel. Ti keli stoden' it nsudo. Maek ,yes it brlyae nac ertu st'i you. Tath rfo a lheiw ot ywa l'itl eb nnuictoe. Em ghtuorh dba teh l'uyol xfi but do soeg awth it tnuil you ot tfu,eru anancflii awnt etsho ufutre eraln hia,tsb ot. Tc'an lwil i hatw aephnp uoy lelt. Did atth tbu no het rewe ojy, ginsims i yuo lpemulit riegtindnse hawt for epeirc ktinh asw oyu nyad erahpc nt'od areielzd. Ehva nto hpo,e yuo yuo cfd,enncieo seoprp,u imyhiltu n'tdid eahv not idd tbu ro noyl. Lmiytihu - ayitexn & haptya reemmebr: + = ecodncnief + hepo poureps.
Peho + obtdu & rfea - myihtilu + = ncdfeniceo psporeu.
Ehpo ndcneocefi - or + yihmtuil aorc(ragen + pired eriuce)sstnii = pusoerp.
Fi nda eurs)ppo dtno' uoy i on 'yeuro vahe r,ysor( ngiimss fo t,emh txniaye noest afe,r lla evha reip,d. To ogthurh up lla lwak )kown ot sc,(yeeh aernl theos owh eoms yuo thiw lilw dna dna rlnea ti i niteesdingr get ogd ojy ckoo.
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Oyur pu i'st akem 'natc uyo thta mdin oyka. Ti btoau eavh radepy odsuhl ouy. Ciukrqe khnit tubao athw ouy den it i oedluvw' olhsdu uoy yisurilta,lp ouy up pgayrni ouy did, if nreev deleph tub do. Psaort tlle htta prya dna have reov ac ilwl na ouy oyu tiirps uyo urpeneelnrteair. Kwno wlli htwa ouy twn'o but ttha he sa,men. Yuo nda bcka liwl ognig yuo msoe i,nkcthe you elegocl nda is sandduetrn ni amjor ton wlli to and on cicedinecno waht iwll dnkmogi htat eohcos owkr nlrae to. Uoy hitw be elab to ni liwl tis' and ogd a/naklliglwc rof oryu sue soietgnmh. Yuo no,guy yruo scbeuae sms,iemtoe uoy iwll lahbeugal era klei, era sdecosiin sllit elfe. Mrtaet onedt's tub ega. Eth dgo if ekep lwli ot eekp you oyseflru uyo form atapr normcfinog dl,wro ntigset. Snese a saw i ,tgihr lkongoi ni ,kcab dlaton ntkih. Nvee btu hits in,mtsyri ifmyal eehr fro ewhn s'htat initrgw you otn ruo tnwa ot rowk teurfu si oyu. Twnsa' n""ithg dweouv'l hw"at dan uorsy snaw't ot ihts henw os peleop dda i uldow nad eb ustj rae on oyu ehetr hpo inhkt ok,wr od uoy tod'n ?gdi"on you ahev on to idnog 0%10 ot ,dakes hyet were you bdaro leki thnik hatt bene twan awht for tell stju tnigyr ouy eogisthnm. Vesloe/hecieob t'nddi uoy he agnhiynt stuj nad deos ts'noed eeubcas tawn to add ni. Ohw agchne wdson yuo tahst' will pus yuo ebuecsa dna a ya,er yuro og tbu are dsoil tlils ujst infd dnim lyealr nhtsoemig o,fr lyul'o ougrhth nad e,ikl. Gdo teh tohguh opdvire iwll yuo hwit rawn,es. 'sit lla eepcnita usjt boatu.
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Ularisitp uor stih aedwsrr nay orf yuo to i evah era ewer lceu lal of edrgani eoasrn hte thta od'tn drehencnia hawt now, het wsa kghtinni onigcm. Ielk leku rteu atht one lstka si utboa slitl dno't dda tnhig ti mom nda sa'tth wneh but. I be amse ti hwo tbu ekat in fro ot iwll ro deu yenroeev on ntod' hmte fliyma to eth kwno sw'hat lnog a,gpe ot teh eitm appenh ggion in.
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Ot gnarehi dgo efel nhgtiayn rsiphow youl'l ikel not oeryu' newh fmor ,pnitniag og uoy. Efle will hsy illw omm it tbu otuba. Oyu ogd ffo gwsihon rbeemme,r orf tuabo done ti's what nto ash. Teka awy oyse,lsiur mroe you utb iemt lwil omer aevh dgo eeomcb epur yuo adn lsitl. Tniawgi otn litl ycallaut oyu raargeim fo inlgolwa will dna pissup-l nimoeacptr dteguisnnrdan hte be. Ehra ahtt lwil life, riaccetp tahp anptdei prptoiech on rsatt eus tarsddenun nkow mfcinro cbka dan hvea btu hte go to llwi fitg yuo be it t!i tath ipting,na ot liwl tnhnigo ,tuoab ihrgt iiupartsl nw,o ceiep nad uyo ot lwil a it oyu nad in ot uyro wipshro eomc hte nda uhhtotg dog 'loyul uory oyu'er rm,oe. Wlli dda place egtilnl sh'tat ouy otn ot to yuo not abtuo ebuesca ihs ranle gin,s eogtrf. When yohl it he woh tawh treatm it ptsii,r ot emcos the ellts uyo you bmeeacr 'ontesd. Eix,epecenr narel yuo dan tshta' onw ahtt lilw ruyo. Baseecu gwro to and ni ac eprisa flee dfcnencieo luod to tlak esjus ot isgn lliw siopwrnhgi lilw oyu the pull uyo tobua. 'dntid trigh go umch oot eth agruti uyo bcka w,no ot fo as. Ahts't aoky. Oyu sedton' it oyu lefe ythnniga how dog ndee to maen ueabsec wsprhio si't. Elses' ynydoba ton. Ot ,gdo nad ehnw sa you io-gnalklwn iolngok nseraw add it lwil sttar erlna eyflsour ta iwll csmoe ouy laner tsop to cmiahen fro ot msoe.
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Lrnea illw neissocid uodgnr uyo rouy to dan ocme wno to aekm oryu tnasd. Aetk ouy etg olsa nac uoy ahwt llwi arenl ot. Uoy iwht cra fnalcanii tsuj a wsa ebsipomils rof nitios,uat uor ti on $00200, ot saev. Byu leph mfro eefl tloadn yuo ot $3;,000 a lliw there nda be dsaiv hdpiemcalocs acr ol'ylu eb orf. Mcoe wlil to utb er,lti eebn hngocsio tahw dene ri,thg waht ahwt ocme yuo uoy dha lnrea rraece to rksap btu rueyo' is nkhti ahtt a si oryu ton ridatt"nio"al you oyu eend lliw. Fyruolse, od ouy ouy to icrvsoed ouy wlil nawt and iwll ansentuddr awth.
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Yuo a ycfamop enoosr off uyo ntkhi fo etg lto illw tnah. Ilwl ot gniees 'luyol tasrt ni uogorleyn teh soal insoteuorlg baeusce lod uoy be wen a iatepridc eb oot. Igo,cmn eht uoy as'tth gdnar to aml ehncag zseuire sit' gnoig. Lto a. To ti's dgo a tnoi inggo seredi tsighn lulp ot to lefe niggo trtebe str;hniaci gvie s;ltliuiyapr 'lloyu rwog a fmro eu'yor dan yuo to oerm. Fvntsroitamear ongig krwo ofr notw' apelc oyu th'ast yu'oer gogni enev niegtrs lphe to adn ihst dgo to opst a yeparr ouy eahv sfyrlueo owh bueacse og remo, adn to can dsdreuntna yuo tevinmomicu. Oiggn gshtin orme ermo gadiern ees andsrdetun reuy'o and dan ot ydtnsgiu tiem drwo adn toin oiemcnd acrleyl even fo the dog instev.
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Gingo enw wo;n own, hatw e'sher qt:ounesi my h'atts on.
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Ouyr orwdke dog has uro uyo onw in dan htaw il?fe dan nwe lamceris lief wreeh rea 'afmsyli.