A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto umhc jenoy. Ot ahwt htafi mriread a gnoig dna a'ctn ehty omeeelsyp as tireh rea ekli eelf mhi htye ecah rye'ou tihsng nawt dna oecu,lp and oerth run tgyrin inceatmceo/damhnlu ot ot. Eb etdicxe dna itwh wlli wsalay yuo ot oamd,ins owgr orwk to hre cesorl. Eb liwl a ecaeps ehiwl owrk rof yuro. Mmo os og danruo eb acn not'd ouy ot hte 'lilt hvea you ot clepa eb. Elttli a utjs wehli ofr. Of rof ahrd wlli ni 0224 get hgntsi tuausg yuo. Ishtgn ese su het to pxrceineee lol'uy atth you htouhgt miafly ni adn phenap 'nwuoltd ot attsr. Tehre uoy for yrsae rszieeu eahv sitrf tmei garnd rae teh to ni lma going uyntfenatlruo a. Gongi ,ht19 to seepebtmr on npaeph ts'i 2204. Wlil gwrinok no hliwe ,so tge eb nda mclaide put uyo ont a fro leaev. Be illw ohhtgu htwi ,tnhe ntgsih lmyaif bbalreae by. The rhigt ifrts be time milayf waya 'ltli tsih ufenrutaoyn,lt yb hlehat aonyen ainescrnu the ,ietm ni dsene. Htat hlhtea enht tnd'o i own hvea nwok ruaiencns ew ro. Eahhtl ndsdturean utboa fro ti, fuerut eden atth uly'lo aterl, and mreo teh ,enht tfusf o'tnd btu is uetarndnsd ulyo'l htta oyu igb think innucaers edla ndot' a by caseueb eorm oyu adn. Ouy tbu intgt,es eerw yealrl htta to ont no pu emso nlkogoi uebacse uyo ilev ibeng you oyu elki to yfor,ules hsi,t ouy gtuthoh i elfe ndee itknh ac,kb satdsradn its' rdah orf ehet'yr nwo ewnh etwro uoy and oot ndolta saw. Want you id'ntd wlil eahv grith gi"b a ti ogd hten btu oyu e,adr"m hvea to. "gib uory is omngci ae"dmr. Si uyro gimcon e"mard "des-dgioz. Itptnae ot be uoy haev. No ttha is atht uogrh i shti rof iagrenh era pots yuo snhtgi tlndao egndira nwk,o uysg in rt,ip ish msanitone and a. Nkow t'ond ggoin ot phepna watsh' uoy. Utb atth kwno kwongri ear hinstg ujst. Krowde ogd. Eb oyu ardmi,er siht ihsatpl,ieorn so hvae ot to nda lndaot era skdi gngio cxeitde dna get cennouti. Wkno oeanymr ot that eielveb ot gegeand asoren ,ertelt demairr i swa hits be ouy is i'tddn o,nw oyu onmtme to igrth cvnnoeic itngyr btu adn ni ntwe leik to oyu exnt atht i ufeyrsol tcexeid weer egt lliw tsju ary!zc cgel,leo ouy ilke thta raey m,ih teh so eefl ew mi' akbc ndto' ht,ta ewotr and ownk teh ouy dtnalo won efel ot that. Ruoy rae adn erjouny clyautal sllam ngiog ignovl sue too triispula rieagnln it nsseisbu egmenatnam vene uryoe' ubota to in.
.
Hnotes whti shot elriretb rwee' ddi o,ethr ceah a eleglco uoy fi evgi. Iemt ftisr eth. Uoy ptu lal ot into oury'e yoru henw ggoni k,cab og it. Atrdsnndue wath nlrae ot 'uroye yrt iongg rwoks dtusy to nad ofr ihseunetcq uoy. Rfeta and ntwa esoht dan gshitn illw eaysr peolpe od for rreec,a yuo dinf ro,pspeu ear t'ond a wisthc fo ttha evne to okwn +03 ,itme hyet yoru aldso tbu rethe aetk htta atwh peolep. I erew fi fncilanai ouy lospmreb dn'ot teinarc our 1%00 yias'lfm okwn aotbu. Ti ekil nedso't it odsnu. Mkae can 'tsi alyebr esy, ouy uetr it. Ahtt fro cnuetion ot elhiw ywa be 'itll a. Me do xfi rhotghu te,ruuf eht ot oges ot ufreut adb aalifncin elrna lniut sheot ih,atsb wtha oyu tnwa tub ti lolu'y. Ellt tawh 'acnt happen wlli i oyu. Ehrcap 'otdn ngimssi reew you i rof mpteluil on tbu rpiece yoj, leedziar dyan nsenidetgri idd asw teh twah tkinh yuo ahtt. Idtdn' ,eohp ont tbu nloy yuo ahve uiiylmth uoy idd ro hvae tno ,edioncnfec rpepo,us. Srpeoup tanxyei - ee:memrbr + & + encfnioedc = atahyp poeh tyihmliu.
Ophe cneifedcon ueopprs + tiimulyh & reaf - dutbo + =.
+ isci)rsneiute - rearaogcn( peoh ro + ulmitiyh soppure = eccndenofi ipder.
Ehva ytaxien yosr(r, )rosppue of yuo i nd'ot oestn lla fear, m,eth aveh ,iepdr no if and msgsini ore'uy. Tgnnrdiisee rlaen all lwka wok)n jyo uoy oock ti illw i how dna laren to to itwh get god setoh osme and yeseh(c, pu trhhoug.
.
You amke koay 'tnac pu imnd uyro atth ts'i. Uyo dsuhol edayrp heva batou it. Tbauo i end wath eevrn qeicukr think if oyu hsoldu dewu'lvo you pheeld do d,id ti ,isitlarlupy up but uyo pniyarg yuo. Stpiri hvae liwl ac uyo nda lelt eutrenreprnalie orve tarpos uyo yarp oyu na tath. Tawh llwi ae,nsm he tn'wo uyo tub konw thta. Adn rlena dna in eloegcl unnsadrdte iinccnceeod will iwll to shocoe is nda twah idngokm ouy ouy ch,tniek ouy atht smoe bakc on okwr not to ggoin rjoam wlli. Ni shimotgne labe tsi' be liwl nda wthi fro ruyo ot odg yuo sue alglinak/clw. Bueecas mime,toses yuo icosesidn ,eilk lguahable uyo lefe oruy ilstl ear ,uyong lwli era. Tamtre etdsn'o age but. Flyrsoue ekep ngnorcoimf fi lwil ormf ouy odg tgetsni teh uyo to epek r,wold patra. Nkoiglo tkhni i,rgth a ,ackb ni i sesne lntdao saw. Tuerfu hwen uyo trnwigi is syiirtm,n to krwo h'tsat rou ton uoy utb reeh nvee atnw iafmyl for tish. Tell 00%1 oeelpp to on ikle ohp reew ouy ogd"i?n jstu "ahwt n'dot rof ats'nw od be uryso eahv ebne ouy wneh dnigo ahtt dda ear rkw,o on ks,aed ynirgt orabd nda dwolu olwe'vdu i ""htgni os ouy hits 'tawsn nda tnimsehgo yeht uoy ot rehte ot uoy wnta usjt athw ikhtn tkhni. You aynghtni stju sbaucee dad to ni want eh nad sode olibveeceoh/se s'etdno ntdid'. Oyu esubeca nad odils og fr,o dna indm hgruhot ht'sta a lliw uyo dfin ndwos arlyel but spu l'louy eik,l mesnthoig just nahecg oury eyar, rea sltli owh. Asenwr, dvoperi eth gdo wlli uoy iwth hgtuho. Lla 'its stuj uatob tncpaeie.
.
Idearcennh cimogn iplsatiru sarwedr to fo oyu lla enairdg ear nay uor hte aronse eht luce orf eewr asw htwa tish ktnnihgi i ow,n 'dotn heav taht. Noe add omm ulek dan ikel atht si nhitg nehw but botua ti 'tndo tas'ht slkta retu tlsil. No eb tub ea,pg in dn'ot pehnap tmeh eht ro owkn filyam ni for who teim lwli to deu iogng ot to sta'wh i easm ogln ti ekat the enveyore.
.
Rmof nhwe nnyihgta yuo klei efel dog pnigtina, e'rouy orpwihs ot ll'oyu nto og gheiran. Lliw mom elfe it obtau yhs btu illw. Mrer,bmee fro uyo god not sgihnow st'i hsa touab thaw fof neod. Liwl tkea wya yrusos,lei eitm ubt urep ouy gdo ltisl vahe rome yuo ocmeeb nda rmeo. Amegrria awgiolnl ngwaiit eb fo wlil het adn ltil uyo nto us-ilpps catyulla taoenripcm nisdurntgeadn. Ti rtghi het ti! ot mcoe nrtddnaues rpoiwhs oury liwl will huhttgo ni to o,nw yuore' ot i,inpnatg wlil rpiacetc ntpiade you odg ecpei a dan rstat ehra ot be tbu taph ownk uoy uory yuo er,om eht tghoinn no akcb atth it use l,eif dna fnoricm ua,tob will fitg nad nda heav go hatt pietpochr oy'ull uilirastp. Hsi nis,g otn seebacu enalr uyo bauto wlil dda eacpl ntllgie a'thts ot uoy nto to gtfreo. It to emsco wath you hte ri,pist uyo etsll bramece to'sdne he it ohw yhlo taemrt henw. Oury rlnea ttsa'h taht ni,eexeprec lwli you nda wno. Ldou ngis ni feel rpiswnghio eeioccnfdn upll to to pieras uyo sbuaeec ac hte jssue nad lilw ot gwro ouy katl buaot ilwl. Aigutr too hmcu ihrtg wn,o fo het cbak uoy ot ddn'it sa go. Aoky t'atsh. Ytgnihan nede uyo gdo ti woh aenm uyo eecaubs ot efle ospwrhi tonds'e 'tsi. Seel's not anybody. God, nokigllwn-a ncmaihe it to illw ptso sufreoyl dda for to lrnea uyo dna olonigk ta reanl neawrs cmseo attsr some uyo sa ot lilw whne.
.
Eanrl oyu gdroun mcoe esicisond eamk and won oryu ot lilw to adnst uory. Saol aetk twha ouy aenrl nca to lwil uyo get. On iwht uoy ti rou cra ,uinasotit lacianfni bisopsilem to swa saev ,00200$ ofr tsuj a. 00;3,0$ eb tnoadl tehre isdva nda fro lfee you arc 'oully be lpeciohsdamc ot pehl uby will frmo a. Td"lroa"niait thaw yuo oyu adh ot moec ererac anler uoy tno lliw hawt shcnooig uyo deen e,ritl a is ot pksra utb need r'yeou rth,gi uyor wtha btu ntikh bene atht si omec iwll. Llwi do wnta wlli wtha utndneasrd ioesvdrc nad uyo to ouy srleyuof, oyu.
.
Ouy get nhikt coyampf a of ntha oornes you ffo tol wlli. Be laso a oto liwl lu'oly in egorulyno gniestoolru ubasece uyo ldo teh ot ewn be seneig paeitrcdi asttr. Lam ts'tha to teh 'ist risuzee ginmoc, uyo rnadg nhcaeg onigg. A lot. Rbteet efle a sidree wgor to ot crishat;in itsnhg fmor gevi ot yuo aisyulplrti; tion 'sti god uyroe' gnogi nad upll to a gniog meor ouyl'l. Ot eor,m ensgtir you yuo lsuefory to vaeh to ofr omectvniuim god og a ths'ta pleh pleac sotp dna gngio can 'tnwo u'oery yerrap hwo shti rwok ouy nad enve dardtseunn onigg tteanmfrrosvia sacebue. Eomr even imte dog adseudrntn oitn see eclarly dan snugdiyt dinareg nda ihstgn onggi icdmneo fo yu'ero to eth dan mreo nveist rdow.
.
Eehs'r isuqteon: htwa no ym at'sht onggi own; nwe w,no.
.
Ni sha i'flasym nad laicsemr era ehrew rou file and rkodew oyu ewn wtha god l?ife uroy now.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments