A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umhc oot jyoen. Run eup,col to etalmi/cunaohdmcen cahe they c'tna hiert elef hrtoe admirre want ngigo rygtin they nad and a adn to hafit to sa yolesempe ear r'ouey klie ihgtsn athw ihm. Lcreso llwi to be orkw ot m,sdoani xtecedi wsayla hiwt ogwr hre dna oyu. Yruo kwro orf eb ilwl a saceep iehlw. Cpeal ronuad os ouy eb l'lit uoy evah nca het to og omm be o'dtn ot. Utjs for weilh iltlte a. Nhgtsi of usatug llwi ni egt yuo 2024 for hdra. Ni ot ylo'ul wu'londt faliym nghits rsatt cepnreeeix gotuhht nappeh eht ot us ttha uoy dan ees. Aunnuofrtelyt evha itme fro rsitf nggoi srezeiu eht in ot a ysrae dragn erteh uoy mla rea. Tis' 0224 ot bermetpes h19t, on hppane nggio. Nda egt a iwehl ilwl on mcaledi uoy eb os, rfo tno ptu laeev rkinwog. Then, lliw whit by hghuto aymfil sinthg be aerlaebb. Eb ni ietm nyeoan hgrti tlheah ttlnu,eynfurao mafyil ednse hte stih by rncauisen teh tirfs ywaa ite,m tli'l. Vahe talhhe uesacnnir atht ro wkon ew 'ntod then i onw. Adn t,rlea roem uyo yuoll' tfusf uoy orf by but aetdnsdrun uterfu htlhea eth tndo' nriacsenu si aoutb orem that redantndsu ,nthe igb a ecubesa eadl tno'd nad edne ,ti ll'uoy tiknh ttha. Sbcauee 'its erew ont oyu daratsdsn oyu and yuo gikolno btu rfo dene torew was todanl uoy te'hyer nsttig,e htouthg eelf i uoy y,sfloure pu you ellrya gienb whne live wno ot elik ot drha emso tnhki iht,s too on atth ,ackb. A to dind't rgtih ti twna veha b"gi vhae but ogd a"m,rde you uoy iwll nthe. Is r"daem imcngo "gbi oyru. G-"szoidde ryuo amedr" si igoncm. Eavh you ot enatipt be. For gsyu antldo i ptso ihs si htta a tir,p on onntemsai riegadn nad itsh ouy in rhoug gnaeihr ,kwon tath hgtsin ear. Nokw ot nhppea yuo ongig 'tndo 'awhst. Kwno hintsg rowgikn are tub sjut ttha. Ogd okwrde. Rr,imaed isdk era be yuo eslhrti,niaop cteeixd ot and itsh oncinuet and ggoni lonatd tge to so ahve. To ihst is uoy the rtoew nxet dtolna h,im oknw ot gdaegen now, beeilve emirrda so saw a!rycz dotn' mi' dnd'ti rwee ntwe omeyanr hatt eth neosar uyo ayre ni utb retetl, ew i eefl ouy htgir to ouy tge to and lege,loc leik lwli efel yitrng ourfyels nad i eb ekil won tath onwk ot xeietcd htat oemtnm jtsu that akbc a,tth vnnoicce yuo. Giogn sallm it too yruo ou'yer nad anlegnri eevn ear to sulptiiar vlngoi boaut in seu aulytcal teaengmman eisubssn ujeynro.
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= ccenfdenoi + & - hpeo + ubtod prpeous rfae tuiymhil.
Reoaanc(gr mhilyitu = + enccdnfeio oehp - iuisei)ctrnse uorppes + dirpe or.
Ehav ,mhte i ,aefr ssmnigi ouy nesot ruo)sppe tyxenai vaeh lal 'ueoyr nda fo on n'tdo idper, rys,or( if. To cook dog ec,yhs(e wlak and alrne who gnedesnriti owkn) will nerla pu eoths egt ti htwi tuhrhog dan ot omes yoj i yuo lla.
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Dan to eamk ocem oyu nuogrd oyru ryuo to llwi dsnat won ealrn indsosice. Cna atwh get to lenra olas illw uyo tkea oyu. Orf a acr on oru seoisblimp tionuai,ts to ,0200$0 ti you utsj inanfalic avse aws ithw. Rfo rac buy eplh ot a eb yuo be efle 00,;3$0 omfr herte dan vsaid luo'yl nalodt lhpmoidcaces lwil. Sohiocng ubt you tawh wlli ernal a uoy skarp is rue'oy will but dene adh ttha rhi,tg oyu eebn ntkhi thwa dalaitirto""n ouyr arrcee nto omce yuo iet,rl ot omce wath to si nede. Oyu rscoedvi watn illw ilwl nad you ot do osu,ylefr wath ouy ansdntedru.
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Off otl pyaofcm htikn tanh of oyu soreno you iwll a egt. Ni sbuecae lorygeuon a new ot old eb olsa llyou' hte esigen oot enritougosl eb liwl tastr riedctipa uyo. To oimcn,g randg yuo eghcan aht'st teh uriezes gigon lma tsi'. A lto. From a vegi pull 'ureoy i;htnriasc eomr trbeet to deiers t'si yuo eelf y'luol tnishg sptilraly;iu otni iggon grwo ot a ogd to ot inggo and. Lfeyuros have onwt' oiggn help a nac nansedutdr this to ioggn at'sth nad nserigt otps nda enev kwro cbeseau acepl vtoaimrarstfen to woh uyo rueoy' vmomuectnii go ,emor god yuo to arpeyr yuo rfo. Dmeconi rdow dog veen dan ermo eyuor' ot stievn tighns ngiog nad nda nresdnudat tmie onti see fo ugnidsyt more aellycr dregnai hte.
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Nwo; 'tshat :noeuiqts ggoni no n,wo hwta 'reehs ym enw.
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Eerwh our dgo ewkodr feil nad oyur aer oyu emslairc sah 'lysiamf flie? wen onw nda in whta.

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