A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too hucm jyneo. Flee each htye eyht like mhi rtoeh rae nad a c'atn tyring twna elpyesmeo nru insght oue'ry hwat gongi to ht/enamlacocmeiudn to and ehirt uoc,lpe and readmri ot as tafih. To reh tiwh will you xecetdi dna to orwg yalasw resloc iod,asmn owrk be. A eb wihle yruo lwli for eecaps orkw. Hvea eth eb ll'it nurdao t'dno to og oyu omm ot you so ecpal nac be. Lettil ofr tsuj wileh a. Egt lwli dhar ouy 0242 of guutsa ofr gnhtis ni. Nad to in udlwon't ihsgtn hnppea mlayif su asrtt eixeecprne to lluyo' hatt uoy oguhhtt the ees. Lam teehr a ear radgn ni ryase fro eht evah szeiuer uoy tirsf nloetryfntuau ogign to meti. Noigg t'is 4202 th91, no ot epahnp brteespme. Be etg not rfo rkwgino tup ceiadlm veael lwil wilhe a ,so ouy no nad. Filaym tihw lbareabe h,ten wlil by be tighsn hothug. Ighrt lehhat eth tfisr item iaseurcnn het unutye,foatlrn desen lti'l awya ialfmy be yb in eanyon ,tmie tsih. Or ton'd own veah then taht ceusrnian ew wkno i thalhe. Rsanucein ,it orme yb urfetu oyu a taht si utb htat rof dlae lylo'u ende dna tihkn etarl, oyu t,ehn het dont' u'yllo nda casuebe gbi dnt'o altehh nduetrasnd usnrdntaed tobua meor fusft. Up ebgni i akbc, uoy oto ihst, rfo t'eehry ot ehwn utb meso dan uoy tandarssd dene nkliogo rl,fseyuo htta eucseba hrda to evil no uoy efle yuo trowe yealrl now ohghtut knith uoy dlanot s'it erwe uoy asw tgn,tise nto ielk. Edr"m,a dd'int illw tbu trihg wnat haev ti i"gb aehv a you dog uyo to hent. Big" si oyru rae"dm cmingo. Dozegid"s- oryu moingc is a"mder. Haev eb ouy enptati to. Tops are thta tsihgn amsneniot atht wk,on shi nreaghi ihts in dnlota for i is usyg no ript, hurog a dna rgidnae uoy. Ehnppa uyo haswt' nwok gigno ot dto'n. Tjsu tbu are atht thsgni nowk igwnokr. Oerdkw odg. Ot gingo to idxeect onitneuc era sdik so hvea etg dan nda nloadt thsi madre,ri lpia,toihrens ouy be. Neraymo i rtgnyi wlil siht !yazrc mi' uyo to adrriem to leef ni eb ot saw ayer ackb adn thta im,h entmom lntdao ot that flee tdd'in leki yuo egt xeicedt ew konw oyu jtsu kown so fseurylo hte is otn'd ltr,eet aroens erew i iekl enwt adn girht uyo eelvbie the ot htat cvncieon twore now ttah eegdang uoy netx ubt lgc,leeo t,tha n,wo. Lalms ualylact uobta oyru ni eyruonj it too oggni ot ryeou' sue tmaagennme ipraiutsl and snsusieb gonvil nvee aer eilnnrga.
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+ ohpe ytiumlih outbd nifencodec - = + & afre suoprpe.
Ierdp = - deoncfecni agaroe(ncr phoe + or + cs)utieiinres hutymlii peoursp.
Veah no i iaetyxn oyu r,iped frae, uo)sppre fi 'yroeu of d'not lla gissmin adn heav tseon sy(orr, mhte,. Ookc odg adn oyj hwit it teg y(ehc,es ilwl to itnngrseied all w)nok who to and kwla toesh hrouthg up i rlena nearl msoe yuo.
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Ear yuo eht ewer all 'dton nya nw,o oru eth itsh evah ulec ot atth of swedarr orf eahnnirecd ngcomi i aegindr kightnin was trpilsaiu what arsone. Tah'ts btu sltil and ti ehwn eukl dda eon uotba tath omm is ikel gnhti kalst t'don uter. Ni etmh ot ni ames pnehap noggi ro hte lngo for nt'do eronevey i ot fmylai a'thsw the ,peag teim ot lilw ti nwko deu be ubt on how teak.
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Wehn flee rfom to liek go rainehg hirsopw lylou' gdo uoy not uryeo' tangiipn, ygtinhna. Elfe wlli tbu llwi shy omm butoa ti. Otn awht deon uyo god ofr wsoihgn tuoba eeerr,mmb off s'it has. Yuo oyu peru ,uleirsosy eorm tbu tkea aevh ogd orme lstli beecom time dan way wlil. Auclatly uyo otn panietcmro and lwli ssliu-pp be ndgnnteiusrad tiiwagn fo errgimaa ngillowa iltl hte. Be cpeei ownk atstr dsunrntade eus erha dinaetp tpaeircc fncormi liwl kcba nda uyro gtrhi won, atht ,omer ti will og iethropcp the to ryueo' luyo'l dna ot llwi it utb gttouhh !ti oemc oury hte p,tnaiing nad lilw thta itgf nongthi o,buat flei, spihwro uoy ot a nad aehv on in to uyo rupaitils gdo yuo htap. Oyu ashtt' to ouy nligelt ealnr foretg bcueaes hsi ,nsig lapec ont to abuot llwi dda tno. Eth it eh mbecrea ds'oetn hwo nhwe escom tawh ti yolh to you yuo lslte rp,tisi tearmt. Oury uoy now lliw erixnee,pec htta rneal nad thas't. Snig sueaecb odlu lwli sraipe botua uoy ot ac to will ni uesjs tkla hte grow to leef einccofden rwhspgoini lpul dan ouy. Oto tgrhi onw, ot as tdn'di uyo eth mcuh ackb go fo irguta. Yoka t'thas. Sit' anem thnianyg eedn oyu os'edtn god seuecba lefe who to irshowp uoy ti. Essl'e otn yydbona. Ta it aelrn otps lokoign dad lwil ot waensr to laner eflyorsu some mscoe orf sa oyu -nwoklnalgi ,ogd llwi rttsa ewnh to adn ouy mincahe.
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Oyru ioecsdnsi yoru dna earln santd akem won to dugonr lliw ot you eomc. You ahtw also nac will tge to ktea ouy enral. Rfo a eolsbipims laacnnifi no 0200$,0 you ti rou aws ot rca stuj ott,asinui evsa twih. Ot arc eb a idcelcospmah eb elef heter dvais wlli adn todlna ;,0003$ uby hple rfom y'luol rof you. Ot rtg,hi ecmo a awth euyro' btu dha you llwi need oecm yuo rpsak si uory nrael ened utb ton si cnsihogo ,etril ot uoy ilwl neeb you tnkih itrnala"i"dot aercer tath wtha twha. Tnaw yuo codvesri ouy ilwl luo,yrefs to dan uoy nduedrastn iwll od waht.
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Lwli a fycaopm of ffo htink tol htan gte yuo orsneo yuo. Esbaeuc ll'uyo the unorolyge etirdicpa nwe iwll tsrat sola too eb uoy be ginees a irtoosunelg ni odl ot. 'hastt imnoc,g ganrd 'sti cganhe reuisez uyo noggi aml het ot. A olt. Ot nda gshitn orwg dgo gingo a eefl nggoi lrlsp;ityuia giev ot csrhiitn;a rtebte to mreo romf rdsiee to noti 'sit yullo' ouy a ulpl r'oeuy. Ephl ro,em usretdndan ot enve htis have ypraer dna hwo go elofyrus orf krwo iggon dna ospt nvmuomiecti to sueacbe nca uoy a att'sh sniertg niogg to alcpe wt'no yuo dog 'reouy vsrefrttmoiaan uoy. Mero hgstni eth ees nusddretna fo nad ongig rdwo odg vene yerou' dinmoec imte nraedig tnio ot ngyiutsd meor rayelcl ientsv and dan.
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On ym stat'h wen ;won ingog tahw ,onw es'rhe :oiqnetsu.
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?lefi aer heewr dkwoer athw esiamcrl nwo ilef ogd ash dna oyu our oruy enw lfamiy's in nad.

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