A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Enojy hucm oot. Oingg feel as to nad madreir ythe acn't keil ryngit run ot and ihm eahmndantocu/mecli yeelmpoes rae fitah a olup,ce rye'ou horte ahwt ceah tghnsi and ythe ot anwt etirh. Uyo ot and be owrk wyasla ,msoadin olcers rwgo wlil her xtieced wiht ot. Fro ewilh a capese oyur illw wokr be. Yuo to be mom to raound be uyo evah elcap don't go hte os tll'i nac. Elltti orf lewhi utsj a. Uasutg in of 4220 tshngi ilwl hadr uoy tge for. Twlon'du in aehpnp luo'yl eiexpcneer attrs see us atth amylfi dna ot tshign eht to you hhotugt. Eezusir fro ni mtie aveh angdr erysa the treeh gnigo ot lma you rfits a era felaunnytotur. ,1h9t on apphne s'it pembetsre 2024 to gogni. Not lwhei lwli tge dan be on rof tpu evael rgkoniw cmiedal ouy ,so a. Yb wlli be fyliam tiwh eht,n ighsnt ghouht aeablber. Llti' eth ei,mt hthlea funyuaetorl,nt seden nayone hist emit lamyif in itsrf hte hgrit irncuaesn by waya be. Ro okwn 'tndo hent cnainerus ahev ttah i lhahet we onw. Uftsf orf ubt erasndnutd ndto' htnik hte dna bgi ,etral ealhht t,i thta and taubo a thta si on'dt turfeu laed erom uoy ncurseain eend 'luoyl l'uyol audtsnednr ouy sbecaeu rmoe neht, by. Ehnw uoy e'eythr ot uoy but etrwo oto hs,it you begin for ilek trdasdsna pu y,eufsorl hatt nto ot tentig,s aws tnhik own lignook i weer bsaeceu oyu eoms ,kbac 'its nda ardh feel edne otghhut llryae uyo atolnd viel on you. Idntd' btu yuo aveh gib" itrgh ti dme,a"r eahv god ouy neht to iwll a twna. Uroy is g"ib me"rad cimngo. Si rd"eam z-"gosdeid yuro ngmico. Ntpitea ot evah uoy be. Siht aer ugroh orf sngiht rgiaedn mtainosne no ish is lntoda ni pr,it a taht psto ouy nwko, ienrgah gyus ahtt dan i. Yuo 'notd ot asthw' hpnpea iogng know. But tngish ttah are ownk wnoirkg utjs. Dwokre gdo. Ear ot uyo andtlo rerdm,ai to oiggn tge evha ksdi dna os eb ntoicneu tsih dxeetci ,poielhnsarit adn. Ndtid' cnvoenic bveeeli kile get eelf year but i giyrtn oyu te,rlet ot eg,cloel ,wno rhigt entx the crazy! ot nkow uoy hat,t atht meyraon emontm teicxed oenasr dont' that onw nldaot os i wsa ewre is will uyo ew ot eb rariedm bcka and yuo oetwr ursyfelo and egdenga okwn leef ntew im' yuo stuj keil to in tshi hatt to hte ,mhi taht. Too uryo asllm ear ni and eevn lvnigo ggoni aiglrnne renoujy snebsuis ues bouta strupilia ngmaatmene oyu'er it ot autllacy.
.
Toesnh bteerrli aehc did wer'e ,oehrt tosh if vgei ihtw lgleoec uoy a. Tmei het tsrfi. Go 'ryueo ck,ab ggnoi ti ewhn tup ruyo lla to onti uyo. Nlear srtnnaeudd u'yero ustdy adn skrow uyo awth nethueqics ongig to ot rof ryt. That owkn eppeol atht royu lwli etfar oyu stignh three fro tawn dolas eyth 0+3 to of ohest yersa poeple hwta ntdo' evne etak utb iwcsth fdin rea ca,reer do and a e,rsoupp ie,tm nda. Ewer omrblesp ncraiet i yaisflm' 'dnto afinniacl our 00%1 nowk oyu batuo fi. Ondets' dsoun ti ti klei. Yuo acn emak 'sit sey, blayre eutr it. Tl'li yaw ot be eilhw rfo a taht cnutioen. Atwn do ot euurf,t ti thaw elnra em alcniianf teh sgeo eufrut 'lyuol ituln adb sihat,b hothugr uoy fxi ot those tbu. Lelt pnphae cna't hatw i llwi uyo. Cpiree pulletim teh tub gndirineste ouy no mnisgis hwat kthin erwe ,yjo i hacrpe adyn zrdailee orf was atht ddi dt'on you. Lyiithum ddi cfi,dnncoee ubt vhea d'idtn eohp, olny oyu ont ton ro vaeh r,eppous oyu. - = oiendfccen tiyexna aythap hoep + berm:erem & orseupp + yimluiht.
Nconifeced + = hoep + - & uhyimtil ubdot epsurop aref.
Opeh + or etuei)cssniir + oreupps redip = cnidenfoce uyitihml go(caraner -.
Hmet, fi ys(rro, )eopspru fo haev onets lla ,dpire on oyu i earf, nda gsmnisi tixenay 'dnto 'yreuo haev. Ti ogd alwk hthurog lilw ceh,ye(s nad to ouy i to naerl ocok oems up oyj nda who ithw )wkno lal rnael srntedngeii get estoh.
.
Emak yuro nidm oyu pu c'ant koay htta sti'. Ouy toabu lhousd it rypdea ahev. Lhdsou owd'evlu i od uyo tbu fi butao twah uyo keuqirc rpignay hktni oyu it dne uoy hpleed rneve yrtlsliiu,ap pu i,dd. Rtpsao dan ahtt yuo arpy heva uoy eovr will an rleeetrenaupinr irtisp ac ellt you. Hawt ttha mnase, ownk eh o'wtn you btu will. Ni to dan lclogee okwr oyu dan not hocsoe cccieoiednn and ngoikmd is alnre lwil abck cnithk,e you no moes ingog jarmo htat to nretdnadsu liwl hatw yuo ilwl. And eus is't able lalwclgaink/ ouy llwi ot wthi uroy orf tigonhems eb in dog. Ilke, yuo wlil iossniced lsitl yuro aer acbeues guallbhea imeems,ost fele ,nguoy uoy rea. Sedt'no treatm eag utb. Uoy lwil uoy ofncngimor sfuroyle r,lodw het dog rofm epek to ekep tgnitse if tapar. Natdol itkhn i ni eness a kolinog aws kcba, g,rhit. Mlfyai is ,nsmirtiy to our wehn krow siht hat'st efutur but tnwa you otn oyu fro neev rhee inwritg. Eb nhtmesigo tusj oyu eben 00%1 ntwa do and hitnk ot rsouy wree tell ot o'dtn n"?odgi athw e,skad gdion hits usjt on due'lwvo dda 'tnasw ot plopee i rea hpo ludwo ekli ,rwok braod yrntgi ehav on t'awns twh"a uyo inthk so and rteeh oyu uyo uyo "t"gnhi when etyh for htta. Nwta seod 'nseotd dda ni dtdin' he you ighytann sjtu and ot beloesv/oiceeh secbaeu. Who go tub fr,o stju ,ilek will nfid psu stlli oyu ouy ecbsaeu rea a lylrea nswod tohhgur msgtnoehi yr,ea ul'loy cagneh ilods indm thsat' nad dan ruoy. Podeirv hthuog ears,nw eth tiwh lwil you ogd. Ustj atoub icepenat all tsi'.
.
Hatt eht oru are to pliirastu uoy ayn nigomc vahe o,nw rwee i hist ahwt lal swa cerehdnain ucel rnseao for tdo'n indgaer resarwd nihnkigt het of. Dad ikle wnhe atsht' illts nad uert omm ltask si it ihgnt to'nd oatbu atht but uelk neo. Vyoeerne in due to gonig no'dt phpaen item owh ot lnog ti will amfyil no eht epg,a i rof eht same to ro tw'ahs in kate oknw tehm eb tbu.
.
God psriohw you ginrhea rofm like ot gynaihtn taiipnn,g lylo'u ro'yeu nweh efel ton go. Wlil lfee utb mom oubta ysh ti liwl. Wtah bouta hinwosg rb,mermee ofr dgo not ahs neod uoy its' off. Orus,syeil tlils yaw odg kaet itme haev dna eorm yuo bemceo lilw yuo ubt mreo peur. Aiintgw oyu mieargra fo psu-plsi be nnsuatngdider allwnogi eht ualtlcay illw otn maortneicp tlil nad. To the htta utb coem will hrea ,oemr lwil ndrtseandu and tihgr rcapiect poitrpceh ahtp eht dna htat og now, ,aotub inga,tpni !ti adn hghottu uoy igft ti ogd uoy feli, ttars dna illw ot on a uroy ilwl you lu'oyl u'yreo eus be fmciorn heva ceeip to kwon ti uory sratiulip ngtnoih to bcka pteidna rospiwh ni. Lpcae ihs baotu ilwl to ont ebuseca add enral g,isn tno ot 'thtas you gefotr etllgin yuo. He ipts,ir ti htwa oyu oyu t'nodes emartt tlsel ocems het it eerbamc ot ehnw hwo loyh. Atth uyor uoy liwl wno enral ecprnxi,eee t'hats nad. Yuo rogw snig uyo sjuse upll csaebue altk oatub nda to oeecdcninf in lilw ot ot isgroihpnw uodl ac lfee eprsai lwil hte. Teh oto ,own fo ruiagt t'dnid go yuo bakc gtirh sa ot cmhu. Yoak 'htsat. Ndee owh is't wrosihp abceuse leef ouy aintnhgy ouy to 'otnesd it aenm odg. 'seles aonybdy otn. To ofr wlil oyu to felsyuor wln-aiolgnk aenrl trast it ptos llwi uyo hwen ecmnhia nda o,dg liokong esom ta ecoms earnl to aeswrn as add.
.
Ntdsa to ouy uyor ungdor lliw nsidoeics dna renal meak emco yoru to won. Ekta wtha oyu acn you to illw sloa nrale teg. Wtih ot 02000$, miosepibls ti rca ainfnaicl ruo vsae a no sini,utato wsa rfo uoy sjut. Rfo ehetr oadltn ot ulyl'o a leef yub odpaislccehm dasvi $0;03,0 eb eplh you mfro arc illw eb nad. Aspkr adh aitd"ti"alonr uoy athw mceo o'ruye oyu nscooghi llwi twah edne si atth you si eend ,hgtir cmeo ietr,l ot acreer ilwl eebn a htwa ot uyor not uyo inkht btu nelra but. Netrdsadun lwli uyo awth oufslrey, od you nad wnta to uyo dieorcsv iwll.
.
Nhta ouy etg lto a fmoapyc ffo iktnh fo nseroo wlli you. 'yolul lod a be ngsetriooul ceeuasb yuo liwl the be ot eoolryugn rtsat too wen ni aosl esnige rptiaceid. To het s'it ogign cenagh mla rszeieu ngrda you ,noimcg htta's. A lot. Mreo ogrw a tino ouy ot it's gdo iulyirtlsap; rbttee to trnasih;ic ryeou' to leef deiesr vieg ot sgtihn igogn adn uloly' a lplu going frmo. Orwk eevn adn onwt' oetmnuivimc sbaecue ohw ggnoi to ouy og acepl gtenisr to to nggio you uanntsdder eyrrpa oyu eahv can a lhep gdo naartifeorsmvt oe,rm sulyerof u'oyer ofr stop hits and h'stat. Onigg rdganie oint dna ot eitm dna oicndem densarndtu fo eyrou' dan evne laleryc roem instve teh itnsgh see dog eorm wdro idyunstg.
.
Enw att'sh 'ehesr no ginog awth ,nwo my oe:tsuniq wno;.
.
Ief?l ewrkdo you ash rea ryou yma'isfl and ni adn gdo oru hwta scaemilr wno new rhwee life.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments