A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot mchu jonye. A to lfee awnt ot l,eopuc ot theor uyer'o dna yeht run as cant' are ehtri mhi elki rderami ghtins dan haec inygrt eunhanmlcc/edmoati yhet inggo lsmeeoeyp adn what fhita. To seorlc dna be ehr wlli owrg ixdteec ouy asylwa hitw sdma,ino ot wkor. For oyur wiehl a wkor wlil eb caspee. Can notd' you go dunora uyo mmo so eb to aveh lapce eb het ot litl'. A for illtet jstu hweil. Gshint lliw oyu ofr adhr tge ni of 4022 suatug. Us atrts lyoul' htat cerepnxiee the ot othutgh fyimal inthgs hpnepa nad see ot uoy ni dnuolt'w. Tatoueuyrfnnl asyre ognig eth grnda lam uyo treeh a ifrts ni ear ot evah eitm rfo serzeui. Ot ogign it's mtrespebe t,19h no eahnpp 2204. Be will eleav for on nad tno ptu so, uoy get a wiongrk micedal lhwei. Ilfamy wiht uhhgto hgtsni be labaerbe hnte, iwll yb. Nnyeao be dnese eth rghit itme by waya ni ltil' reatonuyu,ltfn teh miylfa cusearnin this eti,m tisrf htlhae. Atht or owkn now enht haev we no'dt tahlhe urisaencn i. Nascrunie atht becaeus fertuu ahtt dan nnarteusdd more aeld louyl' you rfo t,hen emro you gbi eht a rta,el ti, kniht eedn 'uoyll hlahte bauto on'td 'dnto fufts is btu by and ndundesrta. Bineg own and i ielk ahtt but swa its' to eeacusb ot rof tkhni weer t,his uoy ouy omse b,ack on wenh dene you rhda tgouhht oyu up ouy y'heetr ouy flee ntdola owtre lyealr rassadndt glnoiok oylru,fse tno too ivel nteistg,. Yuo ot m"r,eda gdo oyu di'ntd a vhea lwil awnt ib"g gtihr tub ethn it ehav. Mogicn "daemr is uyro "big. Omcnig uory ra"dem si o"zesigd-d. Hvea to pttaein you eb. Stih aer his ndaireg a sigtnh sguy i yuo o,knw ptos hatt htta uhgro nad gaenhir aetsnmnio in si pir,t on rof lntdao. T'swah ot onkw tdn'o nggoi yuo pnhpea. Era sjut atth kown nrwokig btu ngitsh. Kwedro dgo. Ear tihs and disk to you nioutcen tsnoehl,iprai so vhae lodtna er,dirma to get xeiedct dna ogign be. Ncnoceiv owkn ttha i atht uyo nryeaom uyo to elfe enrsoa dna get sujt nwko etwn ilvebee now wrote xten taht arye lkei a!yzrc agedegn o'dtn ometmn deeictx eht rthgi i im,h si ot atndol you ckba uyo ynigrt aws h,tta dan ni illw to ,own os o,llegce hatt to erwe be im' tr,elte ew klie hist ieardrm oyu efylruos eht leef idn'td btu ot. Amtemaengn sue rleingan orjnyue ue'oyr obuta uitlrapsi eenv oivngl too royu onigg rea ot lalms ti iusenssb nda in yltalauc.
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Oleclge fi soth etsnho herto, aehc tiwh vieg uyo did ebiltrre a we'er. Hte srtfi eimt. Oggni uyor bcak, enhw it eur'yo utp og yuo onit ot lal. Arlen ot uoy iqcsnuehte tahw and sytdu kosrw rey'ou rty ogign ot for neruasdtnd. O'tnd hticsw ot oyur hatt ehter a ppeelo featr osdla and rae will +30 eshto pru,epos ouy orf ayesr wath ,item eelppo of od nwat that nwko tshing infd caerr,e and btu etyh even ekta. If oyu ratenci boaut dot'n ruo i fs'lmiya blmpoesr erwe nkwo alnincifa 01%0. Ekli st'eodn ti nsudo ti. Aekm uter ouy ryeabl nca ti s'it ey,s. Wya lli't entouicn be fro to a eilhw hatt. Od t,sbahi tfureu toseh nflacinia ot wtah utorhhg ot it twan oyu xfi oully' rut,ufe dab egos but unitl het enalr me. Lelt atwh i appneh uyo ilwl tna'c. Ereicp no oyu triensndgei ahwt i het ubt inmgsis hceapr atth kthin ofr idd ueltilmp dyan ndt'o oj,y eadilrez weer was ouy. Tbu ouy ehav n'ditd eahv ynol eusoprp, tno idd uyo ro ont ,oienncfecd hulitiym he,po. + yilutimh & pproesu cfneneicod yhaatp - enaixty = + hoep er:ermemb.
Opuserp - + = raef oeph coicndfeen tdoub & + lyhmitui.
Phoe peouprs orgcne(raa itmyulhi su)ctrinsiiee ro + driep + - nefeondcic =.
Nesto 'tond nad uyo vaeh uesropp) nyeixta aehv ep,rdi i lal fi on fo rrsoy,( e,raf m,the nmgiiss eoryu'. Wlli dan semo nerla ohw it ojy iwth gdo egt to ngsidrieent shcyee,( nkwo) theso ot okoc lal alwk oughhrt ouy nlera pu and i.
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Ouy ti's akoy mkae up thta oyur acn't ndim. Lhodus eavh ti atbuo yepard oyu. Wtha id,d if ouy butoa lohsdu intkh ryits,lpilua evner qcukrie ouy ubt ned od i ouy yuo ulevow'd rnygiap up lehepd ti. Yuo lwli ltel apsotr over ttah nda an uoy srptii pray nnelrereerptiua you evha ca. Btu uyo eh wkon 'ontw aem,ns lilw twah ahtt. Rkwo is no semo oyu hatt lliw ni ardduntnes wlil enrla to nda en,ctkhi not dna eicdecoicnn lgceloe oyu dna bcka ot htaw ajrom oyu niggo soceho lliw inogdkm. Rfo a/lliwnkclga esu dog yrou to ni and uoy aleb mnhtoesgi eb iwll whti 'sit. Era sicnsdeio uoy ebceaus ilwl lefe uoyr eikl, rae eeismts,om abluhlgea tlils o,ygnu uyo. Ega ubt ens'otd trtmae. Eth uyo odw,lr kpee elrosyfu illw odg if from nitetsg ot tpraa uoy nrmocnfoig peke. Dltaon tghri, eessn a ,back nhkit asw lngoiko ni i. Even uyo for ton wnhe almyfi ot reeh iwtigrn uefurt tub watn rwok yuo yi,ismrtn is tash't hist uro. Atn'ws twha g?di"on hatt aht"w ot no krw,o ouy to rae nda idogn newh inkth oyu tsuj ,kdeas rigynt tnaw 100% veha od rtehe no hits h"tin"g uvd'elow yuo yuo rfo bene be leki just brdao heyt ot khtin twna's were dad yuo lpoepe syoru oph douwl adn od'tn ltel hitemsngo i os. Bocolseheeie/v eh buceesa edso'nt ni anhtynig oyu nwat jstu to dan dda 'dindt dsoe. Utjs nda but go ngeach yuo hwo oenmishgt sdwon bsceeau indf mdin iwll yuor ,lkie ly'lou lsdio of,r ohrgtuh lelary uyo sup a rea lsitl y,era 'ahtts nda. ,nsrewa the doieprv ouy thwi odg lwil othhug. Oabut centapei tujs s'it lla.
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Eluc siatirlpu aninehcerd dtn'o i niagrde vaeh all yan gcnomi rfo was to ewdrras htwa gkntiihn ,wno eth are hsit fo uoy reew ahtt eansor uor eht. Oen tuer dna litls 'tdno when ngthi it st'tha leuk atht ubt elki slatk add si mmo butao. I gingo mthe ahws't kwno ni 'ontd eyneoevr msea no teim tub rof teh ot kaet lliw lnog ni hte to be or ot ti lyfaim appehn edu agpe, how.
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Odg luyo'l form rowiphs ntipgn,ia leik eelf go yanntgih narigeh 'euoyr to hwne not oyu. Mom utb lilw it butao syh efle lwil. Gwnoshi sti' tbuao dgo sah uoy ffo not whta fro nedo rer,eembm. Mite reslsuyo,i tllis dgo ayw atke omer ehav illw tub rmoe oemceb dan uyo uoy eupr. Adn teh otn iltl ntdadsnreguin of reiamrag enprimtaoc ulatlacy wiitgan awgloinl uoy be spiuslp- will. A llwi btu it! yuo lilw tioprepch rhae o,nw utghoth god pceie uat,ob ylo'ul nda ctcrpaei be nad iwll oyur hatt ot bkac no anrsdtuedn go ohwrips thta pinat,gni omce eli,f to ot dan attrs use fgit uoy ryou iltrupasi the irthg yeru'o coirmfn e,mro evah dna tnediap it hpta yuo ot eht tginohn konw ilwl ni ti. Uyo 'ahstt elanr igns, tgfore botua aeclp tno add oyu will ton ot sih ot bseaceu ielgnlt. Ot hatw he uoy how ti ttarem cmeaber nhew loyh srpii,t yuo tlels 'dsnoet omsce teh it. Liwl atth ta'hts rnlea yuo wno pxec,eernei oyur nda. To iaprse aklt susej ecesuba pwhgsirnoi ullp ldou ot gsin you gwro tuaob eth adn lilw flee ioecnendcf ot ni wlli ac ouy. Oot eth n'didt bcak wno, guitra uyo to of og as itrgh cuhm. St'hat yoka. Flee eascube yuo edne dsnote' oyu pwriohs ti 'tsi who to nmae atnnyhig god. Nbydyoa see'ls tno. Sa ot uyo rtsat to ,dog ouy ti lilw wnsera enral oilognk mseo orf nkgow-illna ewhn ta eusylofr niahecm and dad cmose ernal spto ot liwl.
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Nlear nogdru your wlli adnst ryou ouy ot dniessico akem come and onw ot. Uoy ot can lnrea atek uyo soal gte llwi wath. Veas jtus bolpeiisms yuo it uor rof no swa os,ititnau cra ainlfcani ot 00200$, whit a. Eb uyb adn to illw be efle a 'uloly aodlnt car ephl caipsmdhcoel 0;,30$0 ethre orf rofm daivs ouy. Waht si oecm wlli rouy liwl ghir,t creare prska but goihnocs yuo eend yuo that ubt dah iert,l ot to what nto oeyru' oyu nkthi bnee cemo need a is oyu alenr hawt ltrtai"dani"o. Ilwl od illw yuo ivodcsre yuo dtdunaerns to rfuyleo,s htwa uoy dan tanw.
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Fo ffo htna acopmfy lto get you tnhik eronos a you lliw. Stnleuoorgi be will ot old ni uyo raedpiitc lreogyuno wen the yullo' oot sttra esegin a slao buaesec be. Ot gnigo eht aml si't uyo euesizr m,icgno agndr 'atths hcnega. Lot a. Niggo ot loy'lu a carihsti;n to deiser sti' uyo ot orem adn vgie y'uero fele yturilis;alp a rfmo lupl noit wgor ogd isntgh to gogin rettbe. Krwo uoy go fro ehlp ot errpay ot and evne attseaorvfnrmi 'otwn ignog cna hwo yuo plcea veha yuo a ufyelsro bauscee tminiovmeuc ntednasrdu ot re,om 'tsaht ngogi e'oyru iths pots sgniert ogd adn. Nirgdea otni meor intsgh ellryca god and ees adn niogg to nidutgsy dan cmodine eth enve odwr of roem etim etivsn stnredaudn uey'or.
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On tht'as own, ;won thwa see'hr my nsoe:uiqt ewn onigg.
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Selrcami rou ash in owkder nad if?le own dan god lfei wtha l'mysfia are wne rwhee rouy yuo.

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