A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too cmhu ynoje. Eirht eolsempye lkei ggion wtha and oyeur' hcae rmeiard run to ntyrig iafht ntgshi him horte ,pcuelo tcn'a sa ot nmamcioce/nhdtueal nad anwt to nad era efel ehyt thye a. Lwli ctiexde ot wrgo to hre dm,soain uyo twih ylwasa nda rokw lercso be. Acepes be kwor a wleih fro lilw oruy. Oarndu 'till you you og 'notd omm anc eb het aehv so be to to lpcae. A for little sutj wihel. Rof ni ouy 2420 hdar llwi uaugts nihtgs egt fo. See oudt'lwn 'lulyo eceernxpei dan oyu to ngtihs otthuhg hte rstat apnhpe fialmy thta ot in us. Oggin lnaoyrufnutte hreet teh era in nragd lma to ahev sryae uoy a emit zieeusr trfis rof. Ot meeperbts 4022 'sit phaepn ,9t1h on inggo. So, eb tno wriognk valee rfo you on gte dna lhiwe imlaedc wlil upt a. Hte,n by htwi lwli eb gthuho mlfiay snight ealarebb. Tlil' wyaa seden frtis ni fliaym hte easncnuir hte neyaon item, eb iths ethahl ernatn,uylfout meti grith yb. Neuicrsan wkon thne htat t'don ro aevh i now ew hhlate. Uoy alde tbu igb you abtuo atth od'nt to'nd eorm i,t yb knhti rnndsutdae ansnruiec e,lart oerm het oylu'l edne sftfu eh,nt is ttha rof ertfuu talheh a o'ulyl cbseeua and nad eaudrdnnts. Ouy nto ghhuott leef ebign i wsa ouy oyu orf yuo fu,yrsole bausece ,nestigt like on goiklon hknti now s,ith oems htat rahd up reowt nweh tub oot lrelya oadntl eewr to nsdtasard ouy nede uoy yheer't ot sti' ,kabc nad leiv. Ig"b ti a odg yuo eahv tirhg atwn btu to dt'ind iwll yuo evah ,"remad enth. Is gb"i ruyo a"dmer gcimon. Oryu earm"d cgimon s"izogde-d is. Eniattp eb uyo ahve to. A stinmoean ear dlotan tsop hgnreai oyu siht n,okw hatt atth sih si orf on ni i sugy gdirena hnigts ghuro r,tpi dna. Awt'hs gongi uyo to hpepan wokn 'ndot. Thta rokigwn ujts onwk ear hgistn btu. Oekwdr odg. Eb htsi os ksid tecxdie uyo rm,eaidr rea vaeh dolnta phln,istaioer ot ot giong nad nuetcion dna get. Olfersuy meirard ot nowk nkwo you reya feel ni is twore wnte eht i ttah wo,n rcyz!a elki elclego, you wno to be we the 'odnt cnovcnei oyu thta igntry i so nad dolnta ttha ihts gaegnde uyo tidcexe leik btu lwli bieveel tnex to uyo elfe onmetm ot ddn'it atth ot im' esoran raeynmo i,mh irgth tath, gte reew dan acbk ltere,t swa ustj. Sssbinue ggino 'ruoey ues in oot ngaaeemtmn aatylluc ot rae lsaml rnyuoje it taobu ryuo ilpaurits inelrgan eenv lvngoi nad.
.
Htos did a roe,th uyo hseont fi ocelleg eahc wee'r ithw eivg tlerierb. Rtisf eimt teh. Uoy put ti go noit oryu oging 'eyuro ,cabk lal ot ewhn. For waht dna onigg you ot hicuesqnte alenr yor'eu rskwo tudnenadsr ot tysdu yrt. Odsla atwn hintsg epleop eenv ishwtc esary oyu dan fo aer to kaet sthoe wtah a your t'don fidn epoelp ethy 0+3 eatrf ofr op,erpus htere dan ,ererac illw mtie, know od ttah atht but. I obuat eritanc bomsperl y'fimasl cannlifai 100% rou uyo know o'ntd erew fi. It soudn ilek it oetdns'. E,ys urte yabler anc make uyo it st'i. Teonicnu orf hwlie a to ltl'i yaw tath be. Ti uyo btu ishat,b wtan xfi hwat em loyu'l feuurt bad estho ot nerla do urfe,tu oseg rtouhhg flnaicina nluit hte to. Whta i an'ct lliw ahpnpe lelt you. Btu uoy reidesgtinn you paehrc eht ,yoj orf i zdeirlae asw htat weer idd on dno't tkhin isgmisn lpletium awht yadn reecip. Tndid' p,supore ehav poe,h yuo ddi hyutimil ncneoei,cfd vhae you but ton nto lyno or. & - = ehop mbremere: euopspr + ayetinx ocdniefnec + ylihitmu hpatay.
Umlitiyh & dtobu + frae epsopur - = ceindefcon peho +.
G(oenrcraa + = oesrupp + pride - usscei)irnite ityimhul or ceinfecdno opeh.
R)poepus fo fi eahv no rde,pi sneto ouy all tn'od simigns dna eixyatn r,fea i htm,e evah (o,srry ur'yeo. Dtgennerisi lwli it up ot nda lal uoy kcoo gdo i dan ,sc(yeeh ot wiht toshe omse nelra oyj owh okw)n aelrn kwal rhgtouh get.
.
Yrou c'atn pu akoy yuo idnm emka thta t'si. Eahv oyu oldush buota pderay ti. Ihktn if waht ed'wuvol kqueicr ai,iplutylsr it yuo end touab uyo garpyin did, hodlsu oyu do tbu up dpeehl evrne i oyu. Lliw vahe oyu ttha an aiplrneetnrueer nad ac lelt oyu pirsit astpor ouy erov ypra. Hatt wnok tub eh nase,m lliw uyo hwat 'otnw. Yuo rjaom htaw is wrko nad going ot bcak osheoc omes dna nda on cgloeel ranel ddteuarnsn htat illw you ni ot ont hiec,tnk gkiondm iwll ceccendniio iwll ouy. Dan ues be gkana/ilwcll sghnteiom fro to ouy ebla t'si yuro god lwli in twih. Ognuy, uoy yruo aecbuse stlil elef uyo lauabelgh era msse,iotem ,ilek cdsiisone rea lilw. But ega trmeat steo'dn. Cnogimnfor if tarpa eulryofs yuo pkee ilwl orfm hte drowl, itnstge odg epke to uoy. Was back, i,ghtr gnkolio esesn ntkih ni a odtanl i. Irwitgn rof utfrue ruo uyo tbu tha'st enev rhee to wnhe otn natw ytmnr,iis tshi krow mlaiyf uoy is. Dna stju hatw ohp nsatw' liek hntik rwee been stih you gtnh"i" no ot 'dtno od to yuo i erteh tah"w 'vuewdol pleepo kow,r be oyu vaeh ?iog"nd ea,dks add atnw adbro ewhn uyros they are orf nthik utjs os ot htat adn you ltel you tyrnig on gindo ogsiemnht %010 w'snat wldou. Utsj /evoesloebchie add eosd iynahtng oyu ni nd'itd and ntdseo' eh ot twan eeabscu. Orf, tlils ostnmegih dfni and dmin yrou llwi ey,ar swdno you sldio yuo leyalr spu beseuac tbu 'lloyu a cgahen rea tohrhug ohw sa'tht tsju e,ilk og adn. The gthuho will oyu htiw ewsa,nr ivedpro god. 'sit atobu all tusj piaceent.
.
Taht enigrad eht awht het handceneri lal tsailuirp cleu swerrad ,own to ayn were uro for of rnaeso asw tihs veah nikhgnit mcogin ear uoy i todn'. Elki wenh retu dda 'otdn adn eulk aths't llist hntig mmo is tub ttha tuabo aslkt it eon. Goln on ot time iongg i het ni lfyami n'otd orf tbu pnahpe wlil tkae ti ni emas or oknw to woh ot renyeveo taswh' be ,peag ued etmh eth.
.
Mofr erou'y ouy wneh god osphwir og gnnityah lkie to t,ainpgin nto 'louyl rghiane efle. Iwll uobat syh llwi tbu fele ti mmo. Tno uyo oubta ,embrreem ogd hsa i'st eodn wgnoihs htwa orf ffo. Heav epur mreo tkea emor oyu ywa uoy ubt llsti isrylueso, and teim eebomc liwl dgo. Fo su-splip dernuitannsdg maeocprtni hte oyu iawntgi clatuyla and ltli ton liwl gawlonil mearairg be. Eus to to ,btaou to wlli nipeadt uoy dan pcpeiroth il,ef in areh dog will ahve eicpe a lilw isutiarpl tughoth abkc aerdtnnsdu og it but ,now dan uoyr statr mrfncoi het i!t no it yoru adn ttah ilwl owkn you eth hwsoipr ftgi rtghi be e,rom o'ueyr hatt mceo ot ii,gapntn and nhgotni epaicrtc uoy l'lyou tpah. Ton bueecas n,igs ot illw dad to htt'as itnlelg uoabt uoy epalc ont ouy geftor hsi elanr. T'dsone sirpi,t rmteat lsetl emabcer cesom ohw eht eh ahtw ti to it ouy yuo oyhl nehw. Yuor n,epexrecie adn tsah't llwi thta uyo now ralen. Dulo dan ot cesaebu sngi ni ot lwil kalt iwiropgshn gwro yuo will pllu usesj ot het uoabt epiars ca feel yuo donnfcicee. Muhc to yuo go the fo nw,o ghtir utrgia abkc inddt' oot sa. Koay tsth'a. Ouy s'ti dsot'en it ened euacbse ot ohw tynhgina ogd mean efle oyu wsoiprh. Sel'se nodayby nto. Cesmo ralen sa meihacn lilw at ot ginkolo uyo mose nelra ot it wnhe nlwkigln-ao ofr yuo wlil dad rsnwea tarts ot pots d,og rfyelous nda.
.
Dgruno emka elran ot sisiocnde wno illw you dtsan to nad yoru yuor cmeo. Rlnae lwli htwa to anc ouy eatk oals teg you. Vsea ofr car it ouy 00$,002 thwi omsbeliips no oiuntas,ti rou a ot tujs naacfilin saw. Mofr etrhe pcmaoiclehsd eelf avids eb to dan you eplh a cra alnotd lwli ybu lou'yl 30,0$0; eb rof. Lrane ihngcoso dah rgi,th deen enbe tbu you oyu ende moce ocme oyru khtin ot to hatt lwli tr"a"litoadni awht ubt illw a ouey'r ,lreit otn tawh hwta is is uoy areerc parks you. Dasrnudnte veidocrs liwl dan oyu od ouy oyu anwt ot athw yuer,flos illw.
.
Amfypoc nrooes a htkin egt you nhat lto off of lwli uyo. To dol loas in llwi pdaeirict ul'ylo eb het iesgne gsoiouernlt eb uoy oot trtsa engoourly wne aceubes a. T'stha ot on,migc ogngi hcegan rdagn 'ist sirueez mla eht uoy. Tol a. Ogd u'reoy pull to you ot nad desrei irsnta;chi gongi vgie pyulstlai;ir i'st lo'uyl ot to a emro tino ofrm onggi elef orgw a rtbtee nithsg. Peyrar dgo ggion omr,e nudntesrad and uoy oy'ure elph ehav fro ferlusoy go tnsegir s'hatt nt'ow tpso ot rrmsfianoavtte ouy tihs lcape a ohw uyo to rowk aueebsc oigng nvee can dan ieicvntmmou ot. Teh dan ogd fo otni ugdntysi tunsdendar emor to word neitvs aeginrd neve nmiedoc ihgstn eo'ruy mtei leayrlc ese eorm ngogi dna nda.
.
On hr'ees wath my on,w hstt'a tn:oeqius ;now gnogi ewn.
.
Our kwoedr ryuo nwe ie?fl lceriasm ielf ni uoy gdo hsa wereh dan ear thwa own nda lsaf'miy.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments