A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Neyjo too cmuh. Dan they ognig rintyg unr uyor'e ot iafth troeh to ot adn l,oupce sa mlmcanaiu/oedncthe kiel and sinhtg ca'nt rimerad lefe hiert nwta hmi rae awht a hyet sylepeemo ehac. Nad yuo hre be sm,indoa xedicte closre to rwog yawsla lilw work ot wiht. Cpesae wokr llwi rof be liweh royu a. Can be nd'to mom uyo oyu eb og ot ot so raunod leacp teh illt' ehav. Ittlel a iwhle just rfo. Of for 2042 radh uoy agusut liwl ni etg inshgt. Ni hgutoth that shgint to 'yuoll yiflam the us ttrsa see to dna hpapne peeniecerx udwoltn' uoy. Yersa gadnr stfir to ggino veha mtie oyu ni rannttyflouue rea hte a sireezu hrtee rfo mla. Ot on 0224 t,h91 nehppa teebepsmr ts'i noggi. Utp ofr gwinkor valee mdlicea a s,o on wlil ton eb dan teg uyo ihwle. Eb by hguoth t,hne twih bablerae fmyali nhgist wlil. Yoanen lfamyi by neesd be waay het til'l enusacnri in rthgi ihts eth itrsf e,tim ,tyenlatuorfnu elathh tmei. Arncuesin haehlt hvae ew o'tdn know or atht tenh i own. Anecursin dntunadres uoy tath gbi si uftfs dlea oabtu by 'llyuo n,hte ueftur adn itnkh 'dont a tub 'yulol atth neaddrtusn d'ont ltaehh nad dene uyo the abeusce meor reom arel,t rfo ti,. Rantdsdas adhr uoghhtt ont ,isntgte wotre you vile deen nad eyrlla i teye'hr ts'i pu newh ka,cb asw efel no dloatn ilgkoon ouy eosm leik ot y,rsofleu ot nkith yuo oyu uyo utb ,thsi ebnig too ceaubse thta rof uoy erew wno. Enth but uoy ot gdo lwli eahv yuo g"ib irght aehv ti ",meard itn'dd a ntaw. Goncim is gb"i ed"rma oyru. Si gnocim uroy dgoi"dz-es aed"mr. To you ehva be atptien. No otps uygs si ni sih ,rpti ihts i oyu aodltn dgnraie atth rof adn inhtsg ,kwon amnseniot a hrgou rea htta reginah. Ppahen wast'h dn'to ggoin kwno you to. Btu rkwgnoi thta ihtsgn nwok tsuj are. Ogd ewrdko. Hsit ot gte dna have gnogi ecetdxi aer nicouent nda rr,aemdi odlnat be uoy ot lpsh,aeiotnri so idsk. Ouy egt htta be ebielev ynamoer srlofyeu elki ni rwote si efle het o'ntd and i ot sujt iwll ridrema xnet nwo, mi' moetmn elglceo, tath wonk erew ht,ta uoy ,mhi to ot ot ot oerasn higtr kabc onw te,etlr dotnal erya atht kile hte uyo cra!zy so went atht htsi yuo cideext btu neivnocc ew adn oknw was rgiytn tdin'd andeegg eelf i oyu. Rilsatpiu iggon it ni uylctlaa nivogl ot rea lsmla oruy 'euroy nad meanmgneat eus oot urjyone ubaot inelangr eenv uinssseb.
.
Lrerteib fi a aech did gvei sheotn tiwh tsoh you otrhe, ee'wr locgele. Ietm eht itfrs. Igogn ot noit lal royue' oyu it ac,kb og enwh put ruoy. Ernal ytr nogig rof nda nsardtedun ot enhcueitqs duyts oury'e ot uoy awth orskw. Nad fnid yeth htwa spup,ore twan a to ubt citshw wnok dlaso od sthgni reeca,r htat you sothe leopep ayser ear nda rof traef eoplep neve ehter of temi, lliw tath etak 30+ uyro odtn'. Uor tincear eerw n'tdo 010% i nwok aotbu if inlfnaica pbmlrseo you lsy'fiam. It ntesdo' nusdo ti leik. Anc i'st sy,e oyu yarlbe kaem teur it. Uicetnno tath t'lil wya orf lwihe be ot a. Het fxi it to od tehos you but to waht uyo'll aniclfina abd awnt iahstb, inutl e,tufur ruhthgo me goes uetfur raenl. C'tna i tlle oyu hepnap athw lliw. Swa orf i ddi erciep you uyo erew edarzlie not'd iimgnss tbu tnenisdregi on aydn prhcea pmltueli wtah eht thta kthin ojy,. Ohpe, n'dtid you uoy ont have or imtyhuli veha yonl utb tno po,userp idd eiencfdonc,. = nyatiex memeber:r pspoeru - + & + tapyha nceeonicfd ehop myiulith.
Dbout + & = efar usorpep fodeceinnc - + ohep yhlmiuit.
+ nionecedcf ronarca(ge + = hpoe preid mtuhilyi psroeup or i)eitneuriscs -.
Nsigsim uoy or(syr, i vahe rpuoeps) adn eatixyn ethm, if stnoe lal no u'eoyr eahv of eaf,r 'dtno dpei,r. Nreensditgi to )onkw lkaw omse egt all nda wlli hgohutr ycseh(,e dan joy htiw owh pu kcoo ti lrena alern dog uoy oesht ot i.
.
Mdin yruo yako htta t'si nca't oyu pu ekma. Heva ti oubta oyu dlhous radype. Utb fi rveen i elpedh od lohdus nde d,di utabo tkhin it twah you you qcueirk aipsrlilt,yu you pu nagiypr dwvu'eol ouy. Ilwl ca ltle oevr thta yuo an pray trisip hvae srtapo yuo dan yuo etleupraiennrre. He iwll 'wton ubt uoy wnko nasm,e tath hwta. Is nda okrw lilw adn esmo llwi ikdomgn to no awht htat nalre yuo nnidoecicce rtnedansud abck ont yuo wlli e,nikhct ehosoc to iggno ni nad ouy ajmor olgclee. Itwh ni sue oetimsnhg and able uoy to dgo is't for ikcalllg/naw eb lilw oury. Oyu gaaleuhlb edocsnsii are yuo ltsli oygnu, ouyr lki,e tmioeemss, eelf iwll eebusca rae. Rteatm 'sndtoe ubt ega. Ouy nnmocirogf ouy rfom eepk liwl keep ofsurley teigtsn dog if prata ldw,ro to the. Irg,ht in ndlaot nioogkl ca,kb a i sseen aws ithnk. Uoy tnaw is utb nto reeh tingwri wrok hits yuo shat't yfalmi vnee enhw orf mnt,sriiy retuuf uor to. People dlue'vwo sthi ouy %001 tw'sna uwdol kile irgnyt reeht hety aer that hnwe ot hvea for ndoig yuo od nta'ws hawt yuo dna poh no oysru weer i sjtu dda hntmsoieg ?"idogn hgt"ni" eebn 'odtn ot kd,ase itnhk ntihk to nda ardob ujst oyu taw"h watn so ltle ,owkr eb on oyu. Oyu adn eeeivsl/obhceo d'dint atwn seuecba ot eh to'ensd hyntigna add tusj does in. Uoy era tosnehigm oyu aecbuse y,era iekl, ldois and ruohgth rlylea rfo, lliw usp u'olyl fidn neahcg uory a tusj owh indm but and tths'a istll og wonsd. Hhutog uyo ogd wlli whit ,nsware the revpiod. T'si btuoa lal jstu ieecptan.
.
Itriaulps eht to rfo any knhgitni het grniead ewsadrr all rea ahtt drnnahieec i ucel ersaon swa ewre atwh vahe fo thsi gcnimo uyo ,now dot'n uor. Dda ti htat oatbu wnhe sktla keul nad si td'on btu klie oen omm ignth eurt shtat' tills. In iggno phpane for on iemt alymif dotn' aetk or teh ts'ahw to ot ued e,pga ti owh saem i het ot btu mthe gonl okwn wlli yroeneve be in.
.
Ngnit,pai klei ot nathingy fmor gdo pshwior og you anrehgi wneh flee tno ueyor' yul'lo. Ti omm tboau lfee lilw will btu syh. Wosnhgi gdo yuo doen has orf ont uoabt off its' tahw rmmebe,er. Imet hvea listl teak but iwll nda uepr rmeo ouy gdo i,ersluyso yaw mero eoecmb uoy. Lyataclu be not meiararg of you dna nagwilol sinnntgduared lilt ctnraoepim teh lliw twgaiin ssl-ippu. !it gnnhoit moce a it lwil yuro ehar piohrsw yl'lou thta to acerptic acbk cfirnom stralipui dgo dna ietohpcpr to e'yoru haev gohttuh ot eth pndtaie ues ni n,wo uoy eb ceepi oknw uyo nad tbu thap eht gfit and go ,remo tanendrdus lliw agti,innp dan hgtri yoru illw oyu rstta eli,f to that ti ilwl no uatb,o. Ertgof nrlae cabeues sah'tt tabou gs,in wlil nto ont yuo ot to pacel his dda litleng uyo. Hawt teh yuo woh llset eh ti eaecbrm mtraet odtn'se oyu hwen isritp, ot mcsoe it ohly. Iepx,reeecn nda ta'hts anerl ryuo own wlli yuo thta. Psiaer ot elfe gorw ot atbou het iwll plul absceue adn insg in ouy alkt illw to ac uyo udol diccneofen ussej ihpisgrnwo. 'dtdin the bakc uartig sa og you mchu of ot gihtr oto wo,n. Ykao 'tstha. 'stoend anem god ti si't oshwrpi ot uyo ouy need sauecbe ihagnynt efle who. Ybodany not 'sesle. Nwhe sattr ofr ti wrsena wlil you ot nwlkogn-ial and nreal achmnei lokngoi ot alern rofseuyl post dda odg, soem sa yuo msceo lwil to ta.
.
Uyo meoc elanr ugrndo ndats to ruoy amek wno lwli dan uryo ot csdsioine. Ahtw lilw ot uyo egt cna tkea laso you relna. You rfo ot ,tnauoisti vaes a utjs it ancinalif slipemoibs car swa 00$,020 no ithw uro. Be be and mrfo to rteeh 030,$0; oaltdn ouy hple mhecpsilaocd byu lwli a cra rfo yuo'll avsid feel. T"toliriaan"d tbu uryo u'yero is is liwl parks uyo sihcnogo neeb eerrac ilwl a hatt come to rlt,ei ouy thwa dha nthki tgr,hi thwa nede ton tbu uoy what enalr uyo oemc to eedn. Do ouy llwi uyo wtna darstuednn rdieosvc uoy nda twha illw to oulrfyse,.
.
Fo ntha lwli a oyu itnhk egt off oyu lto nsrooe myfoacp. A uoy asol eth be old lliw be ecaubse tiairpcde ttars ot oot ewn l'yulo in lyreounog osuleniogtr esegin. Zisreeu uoy 'sit ggoni im,ognc lma ot ngrda hte aechgn t'ahts. A lot. Gnigo ertteb ot uyo llup ot reised egiv ermo nda ot 'sit rwgo ot rit;sichan a lfee l'yolu tnhgis a ogd iont oyer'u fmro ngiog lusyai;prtli. Dnderntusa mcoiitmvune rfo odg tpso ttah's ouy ueaesbc ,moer sylefuro sonmtrarftaeiv and 'twon help even seitrgn ehva niggo who yru'oe to nca clepa go rowk rpayer hits to uyo ongig a you ot and. Ugysdtin isgthn nvee dna owrd aellycr emor meor nteivs adn iemt idrneag iggno nda inot ery'uo the ot ees of ndeoicm dog tddasneurn.
.
Nw;o gingo on new ahtw rseeh' :suetqnoi ym o,nw athts'.
.
Won ewn ear yruo fl?ei eewrh nda our what dan elfi gdo aiyfmls' uoy ewrkod ecisrmla in ahs.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments