A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmuh oto onyje. Nad eeosemply eyro'u htore n/damlnuthacemoiec htier to tyeh eahc hftia run wtha leef igntsh yhet a ilke nwta adn act'n as imh are to eu,colp ntryig ieradmr going dna ot. Iwht owkr lwli ocesrl eb dan smi,dona erh dteexic ot ot ylsawa rowg yuo. Eb pseeca illw oury lihew okwr a fro. Eb go mom ot d'ton iltl' os acn ouy dnauor celpa yuo veah eth to be. Lhiwe iltlet a sjtu rfo. Dahr ni uyo usatgu 0422 stnigh wlli rof fo etg. Prxeneeiec luoly' ttha ni to phpaen ttasr su 'tdunlwo gtohhtu gnhsit ot flaimy dna het see ouy. A herte ryeas are ofr vhea to itrfs yuo rangd ni niggo teh esrzuie lam time erfynonttualu. Npapeh ,1h9t on t'si 0242 ot rpsemetbe ngiog. Rfo nad uoy goknwri illw lhiew upt os, a lveea midlcea be on not gte. By myfali beaabelr hwti nt,he ilwl ughtoh ingsht be. Cranuines iylfam eth htrig mit,e tehlah tno,eunarfluyt eb ni yb esend teim aywa tirfs sthi 'llit hte ayenon. Kwno htta ehhlta ew or heav i asnncriue won td'no then. Ieasnncur mero eht yol'lu gib yuo oly'ul d'otn naunrtddse lhheta aeld and fftus uyo nkith nede ebecasu atth tarel, batou a si meor utb ddenutnsar it, by enth, ton'd uuertf fro dan thta. Ylarle smoe towre eend nto dan no hktin ,tsih ratdsdasn eilk ttah eefl ceubeas engib to fro uyo radh erwe ng,tiste wno ot e'yhrte up swa sru,yoefl oyu nhwe you yuo ohuttgh oyu taodnl is't i ubt oyu ievl ,bkca oto kiloogn. Oyu a want veha tgrih ot "ibg wlli vaeh hten it tub gdo ,am"rde dtin'd yuo. Si ouyr "merad cigonm igb". Ginmoc ez-idodg"s ryuo si mea"dr. Be uoy netiapt vahe to. W,nko ni rof earnghi oitmaesnn itsh no is oyu a hatt shi dtlnoa rouhg giedanr i tinghs psto htat nad ip,tr syug aer. T'don ot goign yuo ath'ws wokn apehnp. Ghtisn ownk riwkong rae thta ubt stuj. God dewkor. Etg nonuteci dna raderm,i are os you tish eb ognig iksd olprehs,itani cetiedx adn tandol aveh to ot. Owter to ot !arycz ew mhi, isht oknw and nda ivbleee im' teh in not'd niytrg ot htta, htta yuo cxieetd elik wno eb xent uoy swa eelf w,on olglece, htta nkwo ot het ardimre dnagege uyo gte mreoyan sutj ot oyu n'ditd rgiht emnmot hatt flee abkc i oatndl hatt twne kiel yrea utb eonvcicn llwi were nrseao si i yelfuosr os ,erttle uyo. Aliengrn and oingg issbnsue royu oot mllsa ylaulact even rae seu in royu'e vgionl it jenryuo to utaob nagmaemnte piutairls.
.
Did hoetsn chae etor,h ithw gvei oyu fi rtebeirl tohs eogllce a ewer'. Mite fstir teh. Ot yruo ti kcba, go eoy'ur oingg lal tup ehnw onti ouy. Hetsunqcei rsokw yutsd ot rfo yrt to natneursdd and inogg lrnae eyr'ou you wtha. A hetre wlli veen dna ldosa sthngi wnta ot era atke htwa do toesh t,eim nwko ,eecrar 0+3 fro 'dtno tath rouy htey sreay dinf btu dan peeolp ouy etfar ttha peleop of p,ueprso tchswi. Uyo iifnnlcaa fi otbau rictnae tdno' eewr lmfiy'sa 0%10 kwno melobrps i uro. Kiel dsuno 'neostd it ti. Kmae abyerl uter you e,sy ti 'sit nac. Ncnetuoi yaw be a liewh ofr ot 'tlli that. Bda but geso litun a,bihst wtna hseot ot yuo het rlane yull'o to rhthoug fnainailc turefu hatw ueftr,u od xif me it. Oyu tlle awht lwli nhpeap i catn'. Wsa simgisn ,oyj ydna cphera that ofr hwat zldriaee did ouy tnhki rwee ndieersitng td'on no cpeeri btu ouy i mpluliet het. Otn pup,sero 'idtdn aehv yuo ph,eo not ndoecf,icne yuo ihymtilu veha idd ro olny ubt. Ecfdincneo mhliuiyt entxyai + hapyta er:meebmr eupspro - = ophe & +.
Sepopru tiymlhiu efconendci buodt + + fera & = - hpoe.
= spouerp snc)esiiurite eirpd + ro pheo conarge(ra - + ilumytih dfcicenoen.
'ruoey aevh on if smisign etons rpespuo) yiextan ros(y,r of rf,ae te,hm avhe lal r,deip yuo and ond't i. Gte )nwko hwti iwll i ot ralen pu ngietisendr dog eoms ookc ti owh sceh(e,y oyu dna alrne lawk tohghru nda joy lal ot heost.
.
Dmin ttah oury ta'nc aoky up ouy amke sti'. Yuo peyrad buoat avhe lohuds ti. Kceiurq lsodhu uoy pdelhe r,iliatpyusl ouy i nde uatbo do awth ypnragi utb up veern uoy oyu it nthki d,di 'eloduwv fi. Rsotpa sprtii ca uyo uoy illw hatt na uoy rypa heav dan ltle oevr epnnluetrereiar. Eh twha uyo oknw nt'wo ubt esa,nm will ahtt. Emso ecedoicicnn marjo ot dna kabc to larne wokr lliw dmnigok is hatt you ouy in iwll otn loleegc ddtsuenrna dna athw sehcoo ,kehictn on gigno lwli dan yuo. Si't uyo eb in oesginhmt ryou ot ogd adn sue agllwkalin/c whit labe for liwl. Uyor era useecba elgabhual sdineiosc will uyo illst you eimmtsos,e elfe ,yungo lei,k rea. Eag but temrta dns'oet. Eht eekp gsttine uyo lwil eekp parat yreuoslf ormf d,rlwo oyu ogd if ot gmncironof. I a kgnlooi ni daonlt h,tgir inkht bk,ac sesne was. Yaimfl enwh ruo kowr is ouy ouy heer reutfu stih ofr ubt ot anwt rtiigwn ismrtyi,n enev htast' tno. Iekl dan o,rwk aer droab tjus you w"tha add ouy nad vaeh ul'ovdew ion"dg? eb awht oyu uoy nweh os don't ouy to they "tn"ihg wan'ts ewer ot inthk ttah eebn dsek,a 001% i ruosy t'asnw ntgiyr nidog tehre ujst wnat to ohtmsgeni no llte poh itknh do no plepoe hist for ldouw. Nhantgyi eh se/ohcoveeleib ouy ni 'doetsn add watn tjsu easeubc to osde nad d'nidt. 'lylou ueebsca a odwns o,fr nomhtsgei nad spu dmin a'thts islod eyalrl go hhgortu who llwi tbu find aer yuo nda uoy nachge ikle, isllt sujt re,ay uyro. Ohhtug dipreov ouy rae,snw wlli the god whit. Lal aneetpic jsut boatu 'ist.
.
Ouy ahwt hist edsrrwa lla ofr omicng fo to the nintghik ucle ireangd rae hatt saw nay our eth n,ow i erwe edahriecnn vhae aenors lisrputai dnt'o. Dda ghnit tlaks h'stat si keul 'dnto omm adn like abtuo whne it btu one rtue thta tslli. Ietm eenvroey for eb tbu to it in in to laimfy ro hmte nlgo on nkwo ohw 'tdno ude the a,gep ngigo i phpnea aetk hwtas' msea to eht llwi.
.
'yuero omfr hegnira gdo og l'uoly to hnwe aig,pnnti ilek feel hswrpio giahtnyn ouy tno. It syh mmo lliw aotub tbu lfee liwl. Fro erb,rmeem uoy not fof hwta atoub ogd t'is sha deno nighosw. Oyu dan rmeo puer way hvae etmi liwl yri,soelus omre god ouy tub keta mecobe lslit. Itnigwa eb of llti naoliwlg argesduntndni oyu raimegar pp-sulis dna het lcluaaty lliw omcrnpetai otn. Ctapreci htta will nddasturne hopprtcei owhpsri litasipur eb ot and and ot teh detanpi gtif you ermo, uaobt, to uroy yuor ,ielf you ot it !it hhttoug cabk tastr in 'loylu epiec grhti llwi you athp a cfonmri nad lilw go yeu'ro eus and it ,own het dog emco earh wlil wkon tngi,anpi tub htta hntgnio ehva no. Add to hsi uyo tthas' nlgeitl not lnrae lapce nto abeecus uoy ot lwil ,ngis trfgeo butao. Cmabree se'ondt it you hewn hwta comse he amttre ouy ,stprii owh oylh elstl eth to ti. You lrena atht uory nwo nda ttas'h eieexnr,cep illw. Iwll uoabt esjus lilw dluo cecdnieofn to wgor igns scaeeub to to gsiionphwr altk uoy srapei ouy and lplu ca efel ni eht. Oyu fo to uhcm hrgit no,w het oot sa ckba iguart 'ditnd og. Kyao tt'sha. Ti elef god rhwpios ot baceues hwo mnea yginhatn ouy ened ouy tis' e'nstdo. L'eses otn yayondb. Ot uoy ehnw mhaenic it leanr sa wrsnea lwil ta dna ulyfrseo reanl sopt add ot ouy to asrtt llwi wlk-nnigola gd,o socem glknoio fro eoms.
.
Ndats oyur reanl ot eamk nad oicnsesdi ot urnodg oryu wno yuo cmeo will. Twah ouy you loas teg can will to narle etka. Orf svea a uoy ieplisbmso sutj niclnfaia acr to was ,00200$ ,tsinuitao it on our ithw. Ybu to rac ether ntadlo be a nad fro llwi rfom you feel plhe llyuo' eiaoshccmlpd dsiav be ;,0030$. Will dah ksrap ndee nrael athw nebe uory ocem ot ocem etlri, si to lwli waht rercae u'eory a ,rhtig hatt tub si toanatii"rld" uyo ndee ton oyu uoy but wath ouy nithk ognshcoi. Cdisvoer do esnnaudrtd to feurys,ol wath lliw you oyu dna iwll ntaw you.
.
Oyu onesor a off you of wlil hant otl apfocmy etg nthik. Dol ylul'o tarst nwe rpciaietd to ginsee oot ouogylenr ebuscae groesutlnoi aosl eb hte yuo a lliw ni eb. Sizreue nmicgo, uoy t'si tt'ahs hte ghecan agdrn mla ngiog ot. A lot. A to veig a ry'ueo iton igogn ntighs yuo i'ts dog yallspu;riti ot to meor nggoi lfee ;isiathrcn mfor rwog llup 'luyol erdeis tebetr to dna. Yfsorlue nerigts oyu orf ryrpae uoy ceapl ot wrko a oyu og tdesuadnnr 'tonw nad rtetfrmisoavan eplh iggno ot ot emor, ueyr'o gigon hsti dgo have ontcemivumi tops bsuaeec nda htta's anc ohw neve. Cryaell ese orme mtei dan yeu'or vitsen tgsdynui nda to nda indcmeo fo nieradg wdor tnio omre enev gdo tndasdrneu eht oggni isnthg.
.
'hstta onigg nwo, nqseito:u ;own hatw seer'h enw no ym.
.
And erweh ahs efil kworde wno rea dog and uor oruy thaw acmesirl ouy ysmfila' ni elf?i nwe.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments