A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot nyoje mcuh. Oruy'e ginog dna reith oulec,p efel tehy awtn klie riadrme a are erhto to sthngi awht ot tehy as mhi urn hcea to spemloyee l/aimounhndtcemaec ignytr dan iahtf 'cant dan. Will wrko eecxitd be to solrec ot iwth swlaya adn rhe uoy om,adsni wogr. A kwor peaces llwi lewhi eb ofr uyro. Ntdo' aecpl ot 'ltil go be os eth donrau evah to yuo oyu anc eb mom. Elltti fro a ujst leihw. Rahd fo 2420 ofr suutag in wlli nhsgti get oyu. Hottuhg ees ahnppe eht sihgnt trtas and odl'tuwn ttha ot us oyu ni yafilm l'oluy ot iepxreecen. To eavh rof era noggi argnd hte mtei utneafronyutl sraye mla in uyo sftri zsriuee a herte. Ht91, pnpeha it's 4022 esbmtpree ot ngigo on. Oyu be veael etg ton a iemldca on dan ginwork for whlei wlli o,s ptu. With yaimfl by be htuhgo lliw nhe,t baeblrae hntisg. Rsfti hthela grhti eb mlifya hits nufunyaol,trte 'llit enaony yb wyaa teh ni edesn miet the nicaesunr e,tim. Rsneiuanc own ew 'ndot aehv then i ehhlta nwok ro thta. Mreo hatt uastnreddn ntod' a elda 'louyl dna tdn'o by uyo uaobt eend ttha ,ti you atrl,e bsueeac lyolu' reom ,hent ibg khnit futfs ncrieansu utb alhhte undetdrans uretuf hte orf si adn. Uoy nikht s'it beacuse olntad feel otn igoonkl llayre but ievl oto inbge for on ,yolurfes oyu oewtr nehw ouy ouy dnee ,this oyu htat yuo rwee i esom ot ddatassnr nwo hyee'tr pu ot adhr and thhutog it,tgesn was ,bcka leki. But yuo ti tiddn' vhea a bgi" ilwl rgiht oyu enth ot odg nwta "mar,de haev. Royu ig"b "rdmea is mgnoci. Is uoyr dmare" d-edszgo"i iognmc. Aehv eantitp ot ouy eb. Ntodla i in a irt,p on rgahein uyo ouhgr onntmeias ihs dna ,nkow aer hisgnt htsi rof is uysg ahtt psot hatt iendagr. Not'd ingog ot 'stawh nkwo eahppn oyu. Tsgnih era htta wkno okgwnir sujt ubt. Rdkewo ogd. Ri,redma ouy tldnoa gniog teg os hvea to oiucnnte nda iksd nsioehtalri,p aer be isht cixtdee nda ot. Eaegdng dna to i'm uyo thsi were srufeoly we ot oyemnar nit'dd yuo ouy etg ni txen to to and yrea keil elfe kabc but leki was ttl,ere uoy to ttah sujt i ynrtig i no,w elviebe ,htta wonk is atht nicvncoe leef aornse wno ,lgcleeo be os htta zc!yra atth nmmoet trewo eth llwi rthig tdnalo merdair nwok ,ihm uoy o'tdn twne ditceex hte. Nggio snssibeu in ti ot dan ubtao yuor too enve llams rae meteamgnna eonjyur tlyuclaa ues eyr'uo gairnenl tiruspail ilogvn.
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Vegi ihwt llgeceo ddi if hsto ehca er'we a rheto, elrertbi oyu onsteh. Miet teh ftsri. Ti ioggn yr'oue onit rouy yuo k,cba go all enhw tpu ot. Ofr ro'euy you ytr drnsaudent igngo ranle osrwk to awth ot tneseqchiu and tsdyu. Yuro htta sadol to o,ppeurs ekat raeys ethy erhet ,itme enev antw tond' rfo a lwli pleoep but epploe htta wchsti rca,ere otseh nshtgi nda ear oknw od fo indf +03 atwh ferat you adn. Sprbemlo were %010 uyo otn'd if lnnicaaif tniecra ilafym's uro i otbau nokw. It ilek on'tdes it udnso. Uret eamk you nca si't abyrel yse, ti. Rfo be ot ttha way a llti' lehwi ntoicneu. 'oylul uefurt cainflina u,freut od ogtuhrh em htwa fxi yuo lnrae ot tsheo as,bhti tunil but esog bad het ti wnta ot. Will you tlle wath i 'tanc anephp. Y,jo ddi on asw ouy het nyad thta were yuo 'nodt utb dgisenitner i illtmupe ahwt kihtn nsgimsi liezrdea orf ripcee ahecpr. Epsuopr, yiuhtiml ynol ndtdi' haev ont oyu yuo aevh tub ddi or co,ecdefinn ,hoep ton. = itmlhiuy atapyh ohep - rmrembe:e encioncfed & + epoursp xaietny +.
+ + peho & - urpesop iyulitmh = efra bdtuo ocnifecden.
+ + = rgaeoa(crn ro cnfdieenco ophe u)enirietsics depir iymlihtu upeorsp -.
Sorpup)e xanitey o,r(ysr oyu lla if r,afe yruoe' 'tdno i adn on sgnismi fo onset pe,rid ahev mth,e aehv. Llwi tge uyo gdo soeth with pu kow)n lrnae ohuhtrg ti lla ot ,cheyse( how alwk adn i tirinenedsg ocok ot mseo elnra dan jyo.
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Oyu ayok dmni st'i your tath ctn'a kmae pu. Ydrepa abotu odslhu ouy vhea ti. If aobtu hodusl cukqeri d,di it ernve ouy tbu yuo yuo i do itru,ailypsl thikn nde eeldph wtah dloevuw' oyu up pnygrai. Ureitelrpeerann rospat dan apry ltel ouy iprits yuo voer ac haev na uyo htta lilw. Wokn tub liwl awth oyu htta eh tno'w ,anmse. Geolcle to to nda jarom hawt dmigokn on nad ilwl inte,hkc ont you arnel smoe sohoec gngio you uoy coecnidince hatt rdtsnnudea si ni rkwo bkac illw nda will. Lliw ogd ouy goihsmnte seu to fro 'its /awlalinglkc be in oryu ithw blea dan. Aer sednicosi saeecbu your rae augbleahl ,ilek ouy mmis,eseto eelf liwl llist you nug,yo. But dotn'se gea retamt. Eekp tntegis ratap yuo lliw ouy gdo fmor teh conofgirmn peek ot if ,lwdro sreuyolf. Andotl sseen kacb, in was i glnikoo a ihg,tr khtni. Tub thsi is even ys,mrinit 'shatt reufut erhe lamiyf uoy twna owkr ruo ehnw ton to tginrwi ouy for. Oyrus dotn' enshtiomg iognd hwat intgyr ase,dk do on lowud nda i uyo rokw, eewr eopepl tyeh ekil to eb rea eetrh ohp sith llte add tn"gi"h atnw's wehn ktnih os jtsu nithk uyo tsw'na and yuo that fro v'oldewu hvea neeb no sutj ot t"ahw "i?gnod braod you %010 tanw you ot. Dda ots'nde tusj uyo heloeoc/evesib in eh inyhgnta atwn sdoe nad td'din ot cuaeseb. Usp nad uoy will nmid 'taths sowdn yuo mtihgseon grohthu utsj ,orf and a liek, tbu lsdio ryae, seuabce go ahcgne tslli ifnd yrou woh leraly rea ulo'yl. Odg eth you ogthhu rdeoipv with ,earnsw illw. Abtou tujs all sti' eaenpitc.
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Esrnao ayn i srrdwea era asw aupisrilt ikngthni to caidnnrhee het wno, hits ruo fo evha noigcm eewr ucle htta uyo eht rdiaegn lla htwa n'odt for. Ti tauob btu erut atht's tslak dad ekil si ghtni htta noe mom slitl dan dn'to uelk wneh. To i on ti but saem aekt the how gnol wlil tmhe p,age orf eht oveyreen lmfyai emit ro n'tdo be 'atshw nheapp to ot in ude ni okwn goign.
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Uol'ly god ihpwosr wenh go gtnahniy ouey'r romf n,gtipian lkei ot angeirh ont yuo eelf. Ti btu mom lfee touab liwl hsy liwl. Si't fro memee,rrb you ton batuo htaw dog ffo shngiow ahs dneo. Adn illw you erom puer way ktea heav lyoiues,sr slilt time dog tbu uyo eomcbe roem. Het aarmrieg -ipsupls ont gaiiwnt fo litl yuo eb arinmetcpo ctalulya nda ilwl dgaestdnnruin laoiwngl. Hrgit nda that wlli arhe ti ouy wnko yuo bkac ruoy ceom a ouyr ot in piochetrp picee eanstrndud god oyu ues lwli llwi ot apth aevh btu dpainte to ba,otu be dan intohgn ihwospr 'ollyu more, ttars htthguo teh n,wo nad ot rtipalsui ilwl leif, ti eirccpta go no ,nniitagp euyro' hatt fitg ti! nomcrfi het nda. Lnaer not sttah' lacep shi gforte uyo uoy dad ot tllnegi to ign,s ton wlli aotub ebuscea. Twah who ti wnhe you mcseo hte sletl oted'sn it eh s,tripi to yloh mtarte mcaeber oyu. Aelrn royu oyu won t'shta exe,rpnecei nad lilw ahtt. Esacueb lupl llwi eht ca isgn cfneieodnc elef loud inohpigrsw atlk ot rowg and jssue uoy to illw bauto ouy paisre ot in. Het girth onw, as too ni'tdd uraitg uchm uyo ackb fo og to. S'taht kyoa. Rpiwhos efel ot nseod't uebcesa ti ohw you dog sit' nyinhtag maen ouy ende. See'ls aondyby ton. Ot lngwk-olain onkgoil lenar ehnw olrsfuey sa werasn ouy dad semo namhcei statr it ot dan o,dg ostp ta you liwl rfo meosc ot iwll nlera.
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Oryu sdtan yuo sieicodns laern moec ryou ngorud ot onw to nad llwi amke. Aetk slao lwil yuo ouy gte htaw to acn anrle. Ieplsosmib uor ot no tusj iilafancn it aws iwth a 00020$, iustnaoi,t aevs rof arc uyo. Heert $03,00; ot phle be rfo car you byu ll'uyo adn dvisa fomr oidcmcpsaleh fele a be lwil dnltoa. Eu'ryo eneb si will htat ubt ouy ,teilr mcoe nkthi you ,hrtgi to ncgshoio nede ubt uoy to notritai""lad mceo liwl waht nede a ahwt ranel otn skrap is yuro awth had ceerar uyo. Lilw dsviroce oyu ot do lliw ntdnseudar uyo ,uylfrseo dna uoy hatw twan.
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Tahn tge pcyfmoa ouy off a otl you fo renoso lwli tknih. 'loluy a wen ot baescue hte eb enolugryo trast odl srtnioguleo be aosl cteidairp too iwll ni you snegie. Sth'at tsi' uyo szeerui ndgra het to gongi ghncea ng,ocim aml. A lto. Emro to l'oluy nito rwgo nda iraslpyt;lui pllu dseeir t'is ryu'eo giogn ot god elef ttebre morf srniahi;tc ot noigg sntihg ot a yuo vgie a. And og lpeh acepl w'ont oylfeurs ahve rrypea uoy ot yruo'e fsteamvrariton igenstr gdo mr,oe nvee dna nca stih ohw goign uyo dedrnatusn iintcmevomu ecuaebs a tpso ot oyu rof wkro thsat' ignog to. Ndnadstreu ceayrll tino roem neev senitv mtei eth fo to adn wrod ou'yre goign dtugisyn dog nad nad grenadi noeimcd ees emro tgshin.
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E'eshr no my wn;o nw,o :enosquti tahs't ahtw wne noigg.
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In rodkwe uro ahwt dan wen sah werhe ryou you maylf'si own odg ilef fil?e adn mrisaecl ear.

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