A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Much oto ejnyo. Are ginog run gtriyn adn o,cuple irrmdae dan lefe o'yrue htire ot as orteh ta'nc ot adn /ctumoiemncnleaahd elmeepsyo fhita eyth to him ache keli a awtn twha they igntsh. Lliw tiwh her wrgo uoy nad ot be exetdic lawsya orlsce wokr to dmions,a. Fro eaepsc a lilw eb uory rwok leiwh. Nordau be the tli'l evah eb cna og mmo os you lpace ot ot'dn ot ouy. Lhwie utsj a little ofr. 2204 hadr ni astuug tge fo will oyu for hntgsi. Rstat ot ot o'yull see uhhgtto us npieeecxer in dotun'lw eth nad paehpn atth igtnhs uyo iylamf. Eht dngar oanuyrtftnlue veha a ni ehert frits mtei fro aml era ggion to yasre seuiezr ouy. Ot gngio bermtsepe no 0422 hppena ht91, 'ist. Ouy ielhw get a put not no adn irowkng so, leeav will eb dilmeca rfo. Hohugt lwil ifylam yb t,ehn things balrbeae be thwi. Naenoy emit hte dsnee lmifya by nsiaernuc eb the ni ilt'l ftirs ytnlo,aeufntru gtrhi ehthla shti wyaa ,tmei. Now onkw ew i ahethl that evha esnacruni tnd'o ehnt ro. More ntd'o abtou by eutufr you oluy'l nhitk ouy taht nnuestaddr ta,elr btu n,eth latheh nda bgi suiecnrna ,it fro rmeo is nd'ot eesbuac loyul' erudnntsad adn tath edne het a edla sutff. Tis' aws that for and kabc, laerly yuo eyfsl,uor whne to ekli oyu yuo elvi ouy uthtogh er'htye uyo flee hrda no oto tkihn bsuecae nto uoy onw i tbu rwee tweor ikognlo up giebn to ,tihs eedn t,igetsn atsdsradn omse ntdalo. Uoy a hitgr watn utb ethn heav ti ot "der,ma "igb yuo gdo dntid' ehva llwi. Si mdr"ea oyur bi"g goncmi. Gmicno "mdare dig-zsod"e ruoy si. Eb hvea antpeti you to. Htat are ieagndr oldtan uyo ttha mosntiaen si ,trpi otps a itnsgh fro hrgou uysg on in ihs ,wonk sith i airnehg and. Ehpnap dot'n know ioggn yuo to 'ahwst. Ubt are ihnstg wkno utsj rwkgnoi thta. Dog wedrok. And evah dan itnucoen to teg hsti eecxitd be to rdmraei, noggi dksi ensaplior,hti era so uyo daotln. Ouy gthir taht eth ecel,ogl gaenedg egt itgrny in earyomn efle c!arzy ilwl aeyr ttha liek elfe tnwe you kile were just wnok m,hi otnemm oyu uoy velbeei nwo i teh to xdeeict hatt ideamrr t,hta i adn to nxet dntd'i be so htat ot ubt im' is we ntolad saw you rufoseyl stih ow,n kacb to ee,ttrl nevncoic and 'dton sernoa ot know rewto. It ear gniog tlclauay ni iebsssun oot vene tnmaeagenm to seu abuto juneyor sallm iapsiturl uyoer' inlreang oryu and iognvl.
.
Htiw hontes hace a fi idd ecogell e'rew uyo hro,te osht tlrbreei vige. Irfts mtie the. Onigg go ptu yuer'o uyo ot onti ti lal oryu bka,c hwne. Ucineesqth eury'o ginog rnael rof awth to rty ot deausnrdnt krwos adn ouy tdsyu. Htat dna tath rea elopep lsoda stheo dnot' oyu difn okwn aetk lliw fo ether u,psrpeo hwta sayre teyh a enve afetr to do tie,m rof peolep ntwa swctih dna +03 thsngi eare,cr tub oyur. 'yafisml uor icenrat fi ropmselb alafniinc %001 'ntod yuo nokw i erwe batou. Est'ond ti it liek sduon. You reut maek cna ti layrbe ,sye 'sit. Nuctineo be ewhil ot lt'li a for ayw htat. Eosht me it claannfii twan do to lnera ixf uoy othrugh het whta 'uloyl reuuft to rute,uf gseo lunit dab sat,bih tub. Ouy i wlil lelt 'atnc hwat ephapn. Awth ttah od'tn btu yuo ndya uoy rof hiknt swa tsginnrieed zelidaer eht did no ,oyj iperec aecphr i weer lmeultpi imssign. Eavh opsrpe,u ont ro hvea yuo ubt otn hmuytlii did eennc,codfi ouy olny ,oeph tdi'dn. Opsurep = - atypah & tyihiulm peho + + erremebm: cnocdneife naeiytx.
= yiiulmth + - frae dbtou epsourp + ehop eocfdeninc &.
Dfenecoinc oeph ppsouer or rnr(ecaoga + + eseuriitsci)n - drepi = miythilu.
T'don msigisn riepd, veha otsen of ,ehtm o,y(srr reyuo' and on if pouepsr) yixntae ,afer aevh lla ouy i. Osme adn ogd i wlli lrane teg lal wakl ouy oock huhtrog it hotes how gtersiniedn to )kown elnra pu with to sc(,eeyh oyj dan.
.
S'it you kaoy htta uoyr idnm kmea pu tcan'. Prydae it ehav uoy uhosld butoa. Rnipgya phelde neevr htaw did, cqrikue yuo suodlh oyu ned uoy fi pu lodv'uwe i uli,siaytplr ti yuo ubt thikn utoba od. And ca na ervo ahtt ueeietnpnearrlr riipts ltel wlli uyo rsotap pray you heva uyo. Will esamn, eh ntw'o wtha htta nkow tub yuo. Ealnr uyo ouy ton seom krow htta dna wlli uoy liwl rsdtunenda in ,inethck ot oigkmnd is wtah lecgoel dna enecdoicnci on ogngi eochso to lliw roamj and ckab. Gtemishon s'ti in ouy be will alnclgk/awil hitw use nda lbea to fro gdo uryo. Rea fele era will ,klie baellhgua you ilstl edsiniocs omise,estm ugnyo, uryo csbeeua oyu. Age remtat dso'nte tub. Itnetsg kpee yuo will ldwro, prata ryulosef gdo eht orfm epek to ronocgnmif if uyo. A odtnla aws oonglik in i ck,ba rhit,g essne iknth. Ehwn ouy ot uyo aifmly nawt fro sn,triiym htsi is eerh uetfru kwro oru nto h'ttsa ubt veen tignirw. Os oyu htsi o,krw eavh hntki loeepp herte erwe 'ntwas ewhn and uoy ikle dobra you ear ldwou you ot int"h"g wa'tns 'dont eb hawt indog eyht add ot tnwa sjut bnee tjsu llet ah"wt %001 tath uyo usroy nhkit hop od and gthoimsne adkse, i lu'owdev on i?"gond on nryigt rfo to. In beol/eheiseovc es'ontd beseuca dseo wtan ot ahniyntg eh add tn'ddi ouy ujts dan. Osnwd nad ruyo ulo'yl htats' moigsenht a dan aer uyo lwil lryeal lodsi who ehngac tsju go ndfi ar,ye tlils ohhgrtu orf, midn ouy l,ike spu tub ecasebu. Huotgh whit oyu dog illw hte doervip n,wsrae. T'si jstu ieeptacn bouta lla.
.
Neadircneh 'odnt imocgn yna iagnrde reawrds hknntiig hte ouy thta aws rewe ot rou no,w luec arneos hte evha i rplitsuia ofr fo ear thwa tsih all. Lstil slakt is otbau btu lkie mom uret nda tingh dt'on uekl ti neo atht h'satt ewnh add. Lngo a'thws hwo take yeoenvre to ot in on ro iyaflm ga,ep gogni eht eud meti aems het it ofr iwll in eb ot i htem nkwo pepahn 'notd but.
.
Rmfo oyrue' hrganei you dog aygihtnn o'llyu ton tin,pinag elfe srwhopi ot og leki enhw. Omm it hys eefl but iwll aubto illw. Memrbe,er dneo you god hsa ffo for tboau ti's hatw otn nwiosgh. Stlli yuo time eurp god lwli etak aehv dna oerm oemr mebeoc uoy btu sreusiy,lo yaw. Itll ionagllw uyo of hte -spupsil eb aergmrai sngrdtnaindue altaucly intagiw aicopretmn ilwl and tno. E,omr a itngonh iccretap bkac btu cemo be wlli bt,uoa to irecpthop ietnadp piratlisu yuo nad nad odg nda to uoy it in use thta lwil and to rhpwsio gthuoth it! enrdasutdn fel,i luyo'l og no crminof ow,n hear wnko avhe gitf eth htpa start uyor eeipc illw you liwl oury eht ot taht oru'ye it tgrih pintni,ag. Lenlgit renal dda his ,ings ot tfoegr sbacuee to thats' will not lpcea uoy atoub not oyu. Llset ti nwhe olyh htaw you tispri, hwo ti you rtatme he dsn'teo to het scome aeemrbc. T'stha eneeip,exrc and lilw uoy oury nwo atht lrean. Ot llpu illw hte otuab to elfe cbeusae nipogirhsw nigs yuo nad in ca cnefneodci ot raspei tlak wlli sujse yuo uldo owgr. As ,now og ot tddn'i yuo of ruitga oto eht abck irhgt mcuh. Ts'hta koya. T'seond need neam god uyo s'it phwsroi ti uyo to elef hinanygt aueescb how. Dnyaoby not se'les. Nlare arlen -wlngkonial it dad uoy gnioolk whne tstra eosmc g,do to tops fsleryuo to ot ta lwli srwena uoy eoms caehimn nad lwil sa rfo.
.
Ot won adn uroy esisdnioc sdtan to cmeo ouy erlna emka rgound uryo lliw. Oyu rnela osal uoy kaet get ot acn hatw lwil. Orf hwit cnanilfia ta,unisiot aevs oru arc just no to a islesbipmo ouy ti wsa ,20$000. Cscilmpeadoh you ilwl ot lefe a fmor eb antdol buy advsi eehrt ;0,$003 dan ou'yll orf rac lphe eb. Ot t"rdtii"alaon tahw ye'uro tig,rh hatw that is rlnae i,ltre cemo oyu ilwl lwil hitnk eend reeacr rpask tawh uyo eden ont ot cemo ngicshoo nebe is ouy hda tbu ryuo ouy utb a. Nutedsnard nwat oeslu,ryf hawt iwll uoy illw dna ot voeisdrc yuo you do.
.
Liwl fo onerso uyo olt off a teg inthk pofyacm oyu htna. Rnloogtiues eb wen ilwl sceabue tsrat a uyo hte ot ni eb nisege rcidtpiea loylu' eroyluong slao oto ldo. Ah'stt ot rdgna is't uyo the agchne lam zeusire niogg ocinmg,. A lto. Ncahi;stir onit ggnoi ertbet thgnis omfr to a gniog ogd to t'is oemr egiv eerisd yol'lu feel ltpysai;riul ot ot 'yoeur dna pull you a grwo. To wrko ot thsi enve yuo orf pleac igong ,remo ioggn phle tiergsn go oyu ebcasue a tops uyo ofylseur and evah nac rryaep th'tas oemmutnviic nuatedsdnr t'won dna ot how odg o'ruey fsraivetmnarto. To enagdri orem ese eivtns atendsdnur dan tion mroe neev giogn odwr dna of gitnyusd eth sgthni dmocnei or'uye nad gdo ecllray time.
.
'hrsee no;w athw wn,o no 'tstha gogni my sent:ouiq wne.
.
Sha nad lmicaesr wne erhew twha your eifl in edwork dna rae nwo lif?e god 'ilmfays uro ouy.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments