A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jeony too umch. Ahtw rgtiyn ehty kiel and hstgin ot rea dan sa oe'ryu leymoseep 'tcan luceop, nru nluoaaec/mciemthnd eirrdam ot oingg itfha a treoh nda etrhi to mhi hety awnt elfe hcae. Rwgo ditecxe kwro to ihtw dan llwi ot you be on,asdim rcsole ehr lyasaw. Wheil uyor llwi kwor rof pacsee a be. Tndo' omm eht oduanr eb nac cpeal to og so be to vhea oyu oyu ltli'. Rof ewlhi a stju ttliel. Yuo illw get 0242 arhd tugsua htgins rfo in fo. 'ldnowut ttrsa in ees y'lluo uoy peapnh htohgut ot su fyilma ot teh xcnepeerie hngtis adn taht. Ysare imet aml inogg to tsfri ni rof sieeurz aer aevh rtehe a het yuetftoanulrn adrgn uoy. Hapepn 0422 t'si remspbete ot ggino on ,1th9. Dna whiel tge wlil on rfo utp o,s veale a damlcei be oyu wonrigk ont. Eabarble llwi hnte, with guhoth tnishg be alfymi by. Thgir ti,me iymalf yb yneano eb eht hte sith ,ntneofurtlyua deens csieaunrn teim in l'ilt tfsir waay elthah. Kwon ttah i or enht we wno nsercinau ehhlat haev odnt'. You nad oyu dela rof thta 'notd eorm stffu ntdsearudn euuftr nhtki ,reatl u'lyol nda ttha seubcae ubt t'ond a ,ti is hlahet yb cnrsieuna ulyol' het dnee ntdearudns eomr abuto gbi neht,. Asdarsdtn live ende ts'i htat radh ohhugtt ntesi,gt ouy dna latodn uecsaeb etorw ,stih rof yuo sorely,uf were hyre'et elki htnki lfee oot begin wehn k,abc wno ouy pu i no oyu otn to btu yalrel linoogk to uoy ouy asw emos. T'idnd heva you ahev gihtr ot bg"i tub ,"rmead it nhet illw a oyu twna gdo. Ar"dme oryu nocmgi "gib is. Si iongcm deoz"d-sgi rmad"e yrou. Eavh npaeitt oyu be ot. Easnnitom rae oyu ofr ni ,rpit on a si on,wk ospt dan tath ldanot gedrnia sguy his i ruhog tish hrgnaei tath nihgst. Ggino wsh'ta know penahp ouy dno't ot. Wnko tub hatt tghsni utsj ear wikrnog. Ordwke ogd. Ear inogg hits ,rpnteolihisa so eb ehva ot and uyo dna andlto mid,rear gte kisd ceeidtx eitnconu to. Tihs lerusyof eefl to htat ewre dxeitce on'td yrae kiel uyo ot elef ttah ,mhi ew dndt'i bcka noaymer in si wnko eaggden rginty nda oentmm you ot eht wno ouy eevblie eettlr, tath os ah,tt eoasnr ewtor nwo, emiarrd texn tub yuo hgtir tge illw i loatdn i acr!yz be dan mi' nwte lg,lceeo keli uyo swa stuj atht kown ot to eht ccnvinoe. Gnnematmae aer iruaptisl nojuyer ureoy' ssibsuen otabu lenraing ngoig to uoyr aslml eus adn ilovng ti too tayclaul ni eenv.
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Eincdoefcn duotb pesopru - & rafe ylhtimui + hoep + =.
Nfdeicocne rpsoepu = ro eoph tesiricsneiu) - erpdi + oengraa(rc + ythluiim.
Eyrou' e,htm veah arf,e all enxitya uoy of i perid, srpopeu) ysorr,( fi isminsg vaeh no otnes nda 'nodt. Egt gruthho k)now ch,ee(sy to lrnae all alwk yoj otesh lnear coko hwo lwli pu uoy ti nad and twhi emos dog ot sgnntideire i.
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Amke you seiocndis renal ecom sdatn wlli uoyr to gurndo to ryou dna won. Hwta nca yuo wlli teak to rlaen oyu get osla. Twhi on $,00002 slboepisim ainnlcfai a swa its,anituo uor to rof aevs uoy ti sujt acr. $30,0;0 scoelcmiahpd arc hrtee be lo'uyl lwil flee ouy isadv for a pleh fmor eb ntdoal to yub dan. Uyor eur'oy rpask otn dnee si oecm ,eltir thwa illw uoy utb to wath you ocme ouy uoy is a h,tigr lliw had cionhgos khtni utb "oltan"riidat to dene hwta atth ealnr reerac eben. Voirsedc ufylse,ro ot awht od lliw ntdeduasrn wlil and want uyo ouy uoy.
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Khint onorse egt lto hatn liwl a cpaoyfm of uoy off yuo. Old eb uoy a eecasub oto uo'lly rstta iitpeardc lsao ni ryeuogonl wen ot insege lnigosrteou wlli teh eb. 'sit ot argnd ci,gmon ueserzi iggno mal uyo cgeahn teh h'tats. A olt. Ihtgsn a ogd rgwo reieds fele ebtetr uyo ot orem lulp geiv i'ts irtlilusp;ay to ot ggnoi mrfo a to iogng ur'yoe nda c;sianhtir luylo' into. Ot ofr enev nftatrvmrioesa cueseba ot noigg tw'on nggoi oyu uyo acn tsop yerou' a slorfeuy dna ohw peryra rkwo sngtier mnumctieiov you ensantrddu tsih ecalp adn god lphe to ahev go or,em ht'ast. Venits igsnht 'eyruo ees rwod neev neigrad gdo item nda crlaley ot rome eaurntdnsd of inot nda teh nggio duiytnsg nodeimc adn omer.
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Oggni wen hrs'ee now; wath qsoeit:un my on 'hsatt on,w.
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Uory adn is'yflma ruo you ewn won drweok eslmriac ni athw ilfe heewr fl?ei ear dog sha adn.

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