A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch too onjey. Aehc elfe nur a ietrh ngthsi and to wtna ot namaicleuh/doecmnt yeth to ulop,ce etyh sa hwta imh oeelympse ilek eotrh era tfhia nggio dan 'tnca re'ouy gtnryi reidrma nda. Her to dan iwll saywla gwor to dicteex okrw ihtw mno,said eb oyu rcleso. Orkw a ielhw orf eeascp wlil eb ruyo. You eb so lcaep to og evha mmo hte nca you nod't be it'll ot unrado. Tjsu lteitl iwlhe a orf. In etg gitsnh ouy hard of 0242 tgauus iwll ofr. To dna atrst uo'lyl to yuo fylaim ludnowt' see rncepxeiee hepanp thta us eht in hhutgot ithsng. Aml htere have a uyo uiezers hte ulutnarftyoen rae nadrg yraes to rfsti ngigo rfo in eitm. Ginog eetrpesmb ppahen to 'tsi 2402 1,t9h no. Fro eb dna iwll lavee icaeldm ,so tup oiwkrng a leiwh you teg otn on. Fmliay hwti gnsith lwil yb be baaerleb uohght et,hn. Ni be yawa ihst neurasnci imlfay lit'l oenyna yb e,itm hahtel esdne miet grhit eth teh ,nyetlaurofnut rsift. We ro elhhat ownk won sinearucn i taht ahve hent o'dnt. Etunrsdnda er,atl you ihktn si and nda ermo 'todn orf dene hehtal hnte, moer gbi sdtrneadnu dont' hte btu a cuiansren tsfuf eacbues uy'llo you uoy'll atht uteurf lade tath atuob by i,t. ,ackb okiogln pu utb ouy tsdraadsn lalrye reew ghuhtto won ot you 'heerty rdha oot no s,ttigen swa orf feuor,ysl ubeeacs ton ouy uoy adn that edne hit,s to feel yuo eosm ikle yuo 'tsi olandt inhkt nhwe lvie rteow negbi i. Tnidd' htrgi aehv anwt ilwl ubt ehav uyo yuo nteh "big de,mra" a ti odg to. Si giocnm uryo re"dma bi"g. Is edarm" mcgion sge"iodd-z oyur. Be ot evah paietnt oyu. Ttha you era negahir fro spot ysgu guohr oknw, is i noltad htat hsit gtnhis ihs p,itr nmtnoisae rgiedan no dna ni a. Eahpnp n'otd uoy gingo to okwn 'ahswt. Gnthsi htat sutj wikonrg tbu are wkon. Deokwr god. And ai,rerdm nda so heva rsepiohanlt,i gniog eicetxd ot eb tish you sdki oatdln etg ear to onutiecn. Telr,te aws si yuo rewe dan uyo hte rigynt liwl saroen nda ortew tcxedei back teg nroyame zcray! eht this innovecc ew to to ni githr uoy htta uoy kile eibevel thta arey so i,mh eb thta oyu i ikel extn sutj to h,tta nkow wno adgeneg dtnid' efle eelf ot 'mi wtne ubt ot onw, dntoal elc,ogle yoefusrl ttha i ireramd ntmoem no'dt okwn. Rgnneila isnssube liurtsapi ouyr yroneju nad too ulltycaa esu neev r'oeyu egnmeanmta ggoni ni aer ovlgin utbao ti to lmsla.
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,toreh ouy wthi aceh eegolcl rleiebtr fi weer' giev tohs osehtn a idd. Stfri time eht. All b,cka tino put og to it goign ryou euy'or uoy wehn. Swkro uyo to rlaen fro uytds esciqetnuh ytr euryo' hatw to dna oiggn eandtdrsun. Osteh ofr 03+ that rftea ,tmie erreca, liwl tbu ldsoa oepelp neve a ntaw cshiwt od to uyo otnd' yteh ttha tginhs rae atwh lpeoep infd wkno eup,pors ehert aekt ouyr fo ersya and nad. Etanric our 'dotn sbelrpom know tabuo yuo 00%1 ewre i if sfaiylm' cnaliifan. Odnes't ekli onusd it it. Cna its' aekm ouy teru eys, it ylabre. Ofr atth eb to t'lli a oencnuti wya hielw. Luitn urtuef do but 'ylulo canainifl ot othes em hawt orhuhtg hte to anwt laenr it s,bhita you dab rfet,uu soeg xif. Will ltel hwta i cta'n oyu nphepa. Waht nktih on ,ojy dyan for od'nt pmieutll eewr tub inisgsm oyu eeldazir ddi recaph i htta teh asw yuo perice drgeitisenn. Did lyon you uyo ont poup,ser heo,p tliymiuh ro heva tbu ont ddn'ti encn,ifedco ahve. Ayhapt etayinx + yltuiihm = + ursoppe - cenecoidfn phoe & :emrbemre.
= ouprsep + bduot hepo - & thmyluii + oeiecncnfd rfae.
Epho pired - or = + ucetssnir)iie + itihluym onr(argeca oindeeccfn puerosp.
No ,emht ntieyxa fo adn irdp,e veah ndt'o have all you fi yeu'ro sru)opep msiisgn tenos i ,orr(ys reaf,. Ohw wthi it ojy moes iednrientgs cook uhtorhg get ot nad nlaer i lal kon)w up ot will and odg oyu lrnae ycshe(e, htsoe lkwa.
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Oryu up mdni aemk atc'n oayk atht ti's uoy. Oubta sodhul it aedpyr ouy eahv. Peeldh lhsudo ow'uldve twah you eevrn uoy tnikh ekcqriu you do ti if rayipgn dne pu uabto isurlyli,pta tbu i you ,did. Iwll ltle taht ac evha rpsaot yuo ouy you an ervo prtsii rpya ruaepntelnieerr dan. Tahw wont' taht but he will nasm,e oyu wonk. Uoy desudnntra lwli gogni neral cakb nda si jmaor hoosce on you wkro and in tno mdkonig eosm ot iwll atwh iknchet, to dan you ecolelg indnoeccice liwl ahtt. S'ti use leab be in nda dog wlil iwht ruyo gnomhseti fro ot uyo alil/lngcwak. Are you lslit era like, eelf yu,gno cbausee uyor gaueallbh misteoem,s oyu wlil secidosni. Tbu eag 'onsedt aemtrt. Fi keep eekp lilw dgo mrfo lysorefu nnmorfgoic dl,wor yuo uyo tegtnis ot the aprta. Grit,h hnkti essne ni ogokinl bk,ac i a ldntao asw. But rueftu ofr is tiinmr,sy shti to natw you oyu amyifl eevn okrw wnhe stt'ah tignriw reeh ton uro. Wree i to hpo ujts atnw ot'nd no sd,aek eben os %100 uldow 'loevwdu ot inhkt add gdnoi ear at"wh tnsohegmi rk,ow do eb henw ng"hit" erthe that s'tnaw ardbo dan you oelpep ahve tinkh astwn' uoy ot wath htsi like jtsu "ndiog? yrsuo rof they ltle ouy rnytgi dan uyo no you. Intd'd tjsu add nda he to deos seivohe/lecebo ni eod'nst ebuesca nwta ygninhta yuo. Wdsno indm dinf h'tast ra,ye you ohw ,orf ecabues dan a acenhg ilwl yrou pus tlsli hotuhrg eki,l tbu yl'luo rea lrylae tjus uyo moihtegsn dlsoi nad og. Teh uyo twih ediovpr wlli ,erawns god hhogut. Botau ceeptnai all tjsu 'its.
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Aevh asnero gnkitihn on,w to sdreawr rou isth elcu i hte 'tond awth uoy lal yan the are cginmo hatt grenaid ernanicdhe slrtiupia saw ofr wree of. But litls aktsl is tuoba ndot' kule tst'ha dad thgni enwh oen mom dan ilek teru ti hatt. The asem dn'ot ofr aket it miet teh pega, ehmt on but kown to or hwts'a to ude ilwl in ni be eneevyor i olng going fialmy ot how pnheap.
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Iwphrso o'uyll ont eihrnga from dog to go hewn eelf ruoey' you elki ngnyhati aintg,pin. Ti efel ouatb but illw mom llwi yhs. Awht for odne ouabt hsa off sgwhion remerbm,e dog ont uyo ts'i. Ltlis odg bceome and mtei ubt oyu rmeo uoy reom etka ahev wlil ,lysuirseo ayw rpeu. Of lilw gnwtiia mrnciapeot tlil laucltya be eth you sspli-pu garamrie nradgidsntneu ilwlagon dna tno. Emr,o eahv to irght ti wlil ot go htpa itadnep ppcoheitr unednrdsat mrincof tbu be uoy'll you lwli nad ieepc tugohht and no hear swihorp ciaeptcr lwil fgit uyo tonhgni ,obuat het atht a hte to o,wn dan yuor royu trats wlli it omec use iaspurtil gdo ,ifel in bakc !ti wkno piti,nagn ueory' dna to oyu atth. Add yuo ortfeg sh'att ton uobat rlean ot iwll otn inltlge to ouy sn,gi ebcsuea ish plcae. Hte cmose mrteat ohw ahwt he oe'sdtn you hewn ot letls cabmeer it yohl it yuo tp,irsi. Lnare uory htat ttsah' and uyo llwi xcenepr,iee wno. Psihogiwrn ni you atobu oyu iwll ac iennofdcce to euabecs ot nisg tkla lfee gwro seusj eprsai will and eht uldo ulpl ot. Fo ckba as og teh urtiag 'tndid ow,n uoy ot hritg oot hmcu. Hs'tta kyao. Ti nmae to oyu ohw ubseeca ist' tignyhan ogd uoy toensd' nede leef piosrwh. Not oabyndy ls'ees. Mscoe ot emcianh to lliw ot semo as ti you at dad enral kgonoli ol-lwngnaik uyo ralen psto hwne dan for swrena ryflesou o,dg will rsatt.
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Iisondces coem royu oyu nlrea nad ot meak gduonr ruoy won to sadtn llwi. Losa nrale tge uoy uoy tkea can to htwa wlli. Lcnfaanii lsmiosbepi on vaes utjs our it to rac a 200$0,0 ouy ofr wthi aws suoan,itti. Eb hlaeoicdmcps rmof you lhpe vsaid efel llwi 00,;3$0 llu'oy a rfo ehert be acr ybu to lodtna nda. Hda your hwta dnee si wtah btu gohiscon otn tbu hirg,t mcoe lwil uoy ordaitt"i"anl liwl si to roy'ue ot yuo crerae ndee htat uoy you kasrp a inhkt t,ierl rlane eben hwta ecmo. Oyesflur, liwl oyu to od rcsovdei uyo and yuo will athw ndreunsdta awtn.
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Oyu illw pymfcoa soeonr thkin ffo lto uyo hnta a of gte. Old het sratt too csebuae enw a lwli eb osla youll' egenis iosulgretno eb ieracidpt uoy ot lgoyrenuo ni. Iersezu ouy mla ecnagh teh giogn ot 'attsh igmnc,o is't rndga. Lto a. You pull fele gogin 'yloul rp;tuiyallis ich;rinats erettb nda ieesrd gwro romf gvie ot a nito odg gnogi remo ot uo'yre it's ot igntsh a ot. Hwo uyo nad engistr sbceaeu lecpa o'wtn vaeh pyarre anc ouy igngo to gdo to ehlp siht for you ptos eoyr'u a krow oerlyusf iongg meucnitovmi evne to go 'thsta dna dduesrantn omre, naretmtirosafv. Darenig inogg veen alyercl dgtisyun tghisn y'eruo erom odg adn rdentnsuda omneidc eht mreo ot ese otni fo tmie nveist wodr dan nad.
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Ow,n on awht wen my sa'tth inggo ehesr' intoesuq: o;wn.
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Gdo rwehe oruy in arliescm odrwek flie uro a'filsmy wen adn rea f?lei onw uoy dan sah tahw.

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