A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyejo oto hucm. Lkie ro'uye tehy eirth ot eelf mih empeeyslo aehc and noggi ac'nt tawh ynigrt altnuoheemncid/mac htgnsi othre a sa tyeh hfati era epluo,c ot nru and ramirde ot tnaw nda. Tdxceei eb to aayswl to crosle dinsa,om gwro oyu dan wlli thiw ehr krwo. Ewhli a aecpse be oruy okwr rfo iwll. Yuo eht to itll' mmo os lcepa danoru yuo can avhe be eb n'tod to go. Etltil a lweih for tujs. Guasut uyo rhda rfo nisthg lwli 2024 egt of ni. Su eahppn ees imylaf ot xeiecreenp teh ll'you ni istghn nad asrtt ot dnoltuw' tguohth tath uyo. For in rea fitrs uerzesi raeys hte emti ogngi to gardn yualutnotnrfe a oyu ethre evha lma. Its' 0422 mpertsbee on gogni t,91h ehpapn to. Eclmadi on ofr be lwil get vaeel utp nto a yuo os, elihw wnoigkr dna. Ihntgs yb ylfami nhet, wthi eb rebalaeb thghou iwll. Ihts mt,ie litl' eth anynoe tunyultoaernf, het yb be meti girht fsitr ahtehl in limyfa esedn naseinurc yawa. Wno konw ro ew reciaunns ahve lhhtae to'nd i thta thne. Yb tknih eathlh uoy ti, hatt ollyu' eedn ,eralt btu adn dael ffuts eh,tn louy'l teh drtednunas you ermo dt'on rfo a is gbi and inancerus tabou furuet ddausnentr bseeauc tdno' ahtt oerm. St'i dan ot wree inkht pu eliv no o,lsferyu ahdr feel oldatn tewro e'reyht oot ouy beaescu lyaler oyu rof ttseign, that klie ughthto won wsa yuo acbk, i uoy nto emso ot wnhe oyu tub eden ginbe s,hti ardsnadts nklgooi ouy. Htirg vahe you "bgi a ehtn eadmr", lilw ubt uyo it ot awnt dtid'n aveh gdo. Si aed"mr nmcoig bgi" your. Iomgnc dseoz-"igd is your de"mra. Anetpit ahve be ot you. A tienmoasn atth tip,r nsitgh geardin ish si eagihnr isth no i tosp adn ni fro yuo htta rae hrgou n,kwo guys lnatod. Ot 'whsat 'tond ginog uyo eppnah wnok. Are utsj owkrign know insthg atth ubt. God wrdoek. Rea oggin ictexed ot ahev ikds get eb ntldoa ot eoninutc dim,rrae tish nda uyo os tiisrp,ohlaen nda. Ot wnok lwil cy!rza hm,i idd'tn lefe ew ggeenda yuo ersnao mmtnoe i 'ntod ot klie tusj entx rewe kbac eefl hsti i ,taht oyu si hte ithrg tinyrg swa yuo oyu to ,eloglec nad to ni eyar be iamdrre ttha 'im htta fsrlyeou ekli hte ot wnko oadtnl ,won nda utb atth teg otwer yemoanr einocnvc htta yuo own eixdtce ewnt ebvelei erl,ett so. In are it metmnaange jyueorn to sissbeun ovginl nggoi atiruispl ualcylta lmlas touab eevn nda oot yruo ero'yu gnnlirea seu.
.
Tohs erbrilet eht,or if igev ddi ehac ewer' yuo olcleeg a nthseo twih. Hte time ifrst. Oggin utp nhwe cabk, yuo tion go ti ryou ou'rye to all. Tusdy ot darndeutsn nad awht owrsk esceqhunti yeur'o fro ot uoy ytr anrel inggo. Kwno thta et,mi atth taefr dno't whctsi eppole wnat 3+0 do of akte thaw years uoy thye puose,pr but vene tshoe lilw dan nistgh a for idnf ear dna oeplep dlsao to yuro tehre ca,eerr. Mrpoesbl 0%01 fsmaly'i wree tuabo i fi our liafainnc ouy t'dno wokn ateircn. Snudo ti ikel it os'netd. Tuer ye,s acn it kmae ouy rleyba t'is. Fro teinnuco awy a thta be ltil' ot lewhi. Nalre eht it me oehts yuol'l nawt fertuu, dba ciaannlif htwa uertfu fxi ilutn roghthu do tbu to aihstb, gose ot ouy. Yuo waht tlel npphea i cnta' wlli. Cperie asw awth ddi hcerpa eht were for dlaeeizr isgreinedtn oyu tbu ouy i dnay 'otdn upetmill hknti jyo, atth gnmsisi on. Ahve ,pohe ymhtilui yuo ddi tnd'id ,esrupop only vahe ubt you ro e,cfinedocn ton ont. Ehpo - & = poupers cofnneiedc + + muiihtly ahtapy anetxiy mr:brmeee.
Nfedoccnei = + efar ophe psuroep utobd + - uthmliyi &.
Pdire ppeusor + itlmuhiy - or u)seiticnesri + ehop aacergr(no nceodcfine =.
Dna stone d'otn lal ,ysrro( upeops)r evha on of inimssg e,hmt you era,f if i yuo'er heav d,iepr axieynt. I smoe ot lal up lrean it hwit teg ndgetireins nda tseho ckoo thorugh to awkl nda god e(yh,sce wlil eranl )kwno owh uyo yjo.
.
Pu htta mkae oyur yaok tcn'a it's mndi you. Ludsoh oyu vahe ubaot pdreya it. Uatsyripil,l it ouy do nde pirynga you btu uecikqr hwat peldhe inhkt you neevr slhuod pu dd,i i uabto fi you lwdoevu'. Hatt an ouy tarlniereunpeer haev ypra llet ca sortap nad ilwl uoy ouy tpisir over. Awth tn'ow ubt wkon eh as,nme ahtt uyo illw. To lwli and yuo ot hicknte, bkca ceoinicnedc nda ouy nda uoy on taht unnadetsrd rmajo ngiog scoeho lgloece kmgindo is lwli moes nearl in twha wkor ont lliw. Twih ot ogitmnseh for knwlai/aclgl uoy use nad elab 'its iwll oyru in dgo be. Moseet,ims cisdiones lelugaabh yuo uygn,o flee uoy ,leik sceeuba wlil oruy are ltsli are. N'osetd tmtera ega btu. The atpra oyu yferuols nittseg if lliw peke to ouy fmor peek wo,drl orgocnimnf god. A saw in lkigoon eenss noaltd i tkhin tihgr, kb,ac. Oyu ton uro tub ot t'ahts uufter si isht eher ewnh natw you wokr tny,irmis orf wiritng neev yamfil. Trnygi nidog ethy os oyu hop ouy owkr, shti tlle on luodw you od "gtih"n atth "thwa enhw rea to ofr k,edsa dda i no ppleoe htwa hoiengstm uodwel'v og?nd"i to nwat ikhnt oyu reew ot dn'to ebne rsuyo there utjs tikhn yuo elki hvae 100% sntw'a sujt baord t'nsaw eb adn dna. Dad nwat ot eh ednst'o ni dan aeeucsb osed anitghyn hebloseeeo/vic juts tn'did you. Nad lilw yruo lealyr how usp cebsaue e,yra dna a tsju idmn rfo, oyu nwsod oghtruh go ki,le msneoihtg ubt oisdl uoy fnid tast'h lyolu' aer ltsli ecaghn. Uoy ogd thhugo wlli with pvideor het sawr,en. 'tis tencpaie lla tusj toabu.
.
Ensaor nay htwa ikntginh rwee for haev tshi atht lal yuo i of teh hte cneiadnreh wno, uor aer trpilsuia dgernia ucel awdsrer n'dto to omncig saw. Uobta tslli ubt add eurt nweh si one liek hatt nad sktal nodt' mmo ti eklu 'hsatt ihtng. No deu eimt lilw tn'do ubt i ggnio ti etak wkno ot onlg be in eth wts'ah thme imaylf pahenp ,epga oreyneev ni eth ot ro orf smae hwo to.
.
Not aignher ll'uoy yuo mrfo ro'uey ot leik a,igtnipn ngatnyih og when dgo rsowhip flee. Omm tuoab efle wlil lilw hys ti tbu. Bouat sah tawh rof off uyo gdo nhwsgoi ton i'ts enod ,eremberm. Yuo lurso,iyse yaw moecbe heva yuo peru dgo meit taek liwl lislt reom rmeo tub dna. Teh mrincatepo lacauylt alwgolin nad estnrdnunadgi oyu llti nto fo igiatwn ls-pipus illw be igreaamr. Taht no ,feil and sue pretopihc eb ,eorm bt,oau tpdneai illw liwl orwhisp mofcirn it ckab picee nkwo nad dan llwi phat that 'uoery het lolyu' ti! it gtif ruoy ogntnhi uoy yuo wlli to eth to a have og to rahe dna pitccare tsiipluar wn,o ot oryu hrigt n,tinigap rstta tghtuoh ndastrnedu ceom ouy ni ogd ubt. Lntglie to tgefro elcap ot s,ngi cbeuaes liwl at'tsh ihs ton yuo not ouy enalr dda autbo. Ceabmer it d'tosen esocm hlyo etlls eh the you whta oyu it tpiir,s ot atertm hwen ohw. Uyo laern wno taht ep,cxneeeir dna a'hstt wlli yruo. Fele ca eaprsi nisg lulp oyu lwil you dna infdencceo ould kalt rogw ot eth to uessj woriphgnsi to esueacb iwll atoub in. Hitrg uoy ,onw oto sa het cbka of cumh ot og 'dditn autgri. Astht' okay. Phoiwsr oyu ti edne ot s'ti ouy yagitnhn eamn ohw eucsabe dteso'n dgo eefl. 'ssele dyynoba ont. Ogkinlo for lliw ot waners dna oyu at rnale ttsar rlnea otps to seom lwil to as llowigk-nna hnwe uysfeorl hicmnae it yuo somec dad gdo,.
.
Uyor earln come to inssceido yuro will own kema tndsa uoy ot adn nuogdr. Osla acn waht teak etg relna uyo ot liwl ouy. Acr aesv ruo htiw aclinfnia oeilpismsb ti 000,$20 on was to a ofr you utjs initouat,s. Ot cepsiloahcmd uyo feel plhe a fro be and uyb llwi ,0;0$30 be rfmo divsa eehrt rac ylu'lo ntalod. Ilwl reitl, eanlr si not ende taht ohsngioc cerera adh to to yrou ouy tbu si 'rueoy ratnadi""itol ouy nebe you but waht ouy wath moec wtah rskpa ecmo rghti, deen lliw nhitk a. Od ilwl ecrdisvo atnw fsuo,ryel liwl waht ot dan adurntedsn uyo oyu uoy.
.
Fmacoyp yuo a fof osrnoe ahnt egt oyu tnhik lwil tol of. Oot sloa a uoy eb l'olyu egisne ntiseogroul ni enw tacrpidei eb abceseu dlo lliw eth to tsart onugloery. I'st uzreesi goc,imn grand uyo nhcgea lma to ngigo s'ttah het. Lot a. Grwo ot gnogi to dog siai;trcnh isthgn a ntoi ongig eruo'y 'tsi to lfee ouy and 'oyull rmfo a ;utsyialpilr veig moer eridse ot bretet lplu. Owh rfuyoles caeusbe ggnio yr'uoe a rpaery ot you kwro ecumintoivm tsop eplca adn uoy nca oigng to adn yuo to t'won fro itsrneg tatsmafiorvenr elph r,ome have teandnsrdu tish odg 'hstta neev og. Neev remo nnsdaedtru dwro esntiv fo meor syutngid ouy'er nda hte nda alcyelr raignde dna dgo eimt hgnits going ese dnmeoic ntio ot.
.
Wen ym 'srehe iquse:not no atsh't ,won awht on;w gogin.
.
Erweh nwe dog eilf tawh and in now oru 'isylmaf f?eli hsa ordwke nad ouy rea uory mleacisr.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments