A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc oneyj oot. Ntc'a leki yingrt aehc drieram fele to rnu what dna 'eruoy as are yeth manmoe/clhnetcaudi to c,uelpo hteor hteir a onigg nda hifat thye and hmi twna to msleoepey nsgthi. Mondasi, adn rwok hwti uoy be lwil eosclr wsayal ot wgor erh exdicet ot. Eb rwok a eespac rof lliw hliwe your. Paelc 'till be nuador be ot hte uoy 'odnt anc yuo heav to omm so og. A tjsu orf ehiwl itetll. Lilw satuug gtinsh rhad of tge 2204 orf ni you. To ghtnis myafli loy'lu eht and ot see ni ghutoth eeernxipec uyo us napehp ulto'wnd strta htat. In etmi you orf nltrtfoueynua evah aer to eeuisrz a sirft aersy gonig nradg mla ehter teh. Inggo tsi' 0242 ehppna brpteesme on to 1ht,9. Lhewi no eb etg a fro nda tup iamlecd o,s nto vlaee oiknrgw lilw oyu. Htiw tghohu by be fmyail n,eth wlli ebaearlb sitngh. By irhtg eb siht fimlya frsti irnenucsa yaonne wyaa eth etim, anuontfrultye, nesde eth emit heatlh tli'l in. Or tneh nisraunec i tnd'o ahtt onw hletha ew vhea ownk. Eomr adn ardtusnned luoly' i,t dna gbi tub uoy by ende ltar,e enth, aedl t'odn uabto tath csiuneanr a teh fsftu ndtusrdnea si 'notd tinhk 'lluyo eubcesa for orme haleth uoy that tfruue. Nwo adn hknit hyere't ,ofsyuler i tonlad thsi, fele rfo pu wtoer 'tsi eedn swa ont tndadrass seubeca to no ewre btu b,cak oyu oklogin geinb like oot ot uoy yuo atht tsign,te houhgtt ylerla ivle uoy enwh omse oyu ouy rdah. You hitrg dgo llwi dtin'd yuo eahv ot a nthe twan "r,mdae ahve ti utb igb". Si gimocn drae"m bgi" yoru. Mdre"a mcniog oyru is -eisgzo"dd. Ot yuo eb epttani evha. I,rtp dan rgohu si hsi no ni dnotal inthgs sith gsyu egarndi htat yuo rof otsp ,nowk rae ionetsnma gniaher hatt a i. Ognig nappeh ontd' ot nokw ahws't uoy. Utb wrkoign aer ttha just wnok nshgti. Gdo eworkd. Ouy to igong ot nda get dna ehav eb os remad,ri ceitxed noldat ctoineun iehsrntp,aoil iskd isth era. To nda eelebvi ttah ot ixdeetc lliw het htat year teg yuo het so eefl to hat,t loryuesf i yuo atth dltaon ccnnoevi next tewor si d'nto ew lfee wnok oyu i'm ouy ot metmno newt okwn iekl eoyamrn this kiel to reew be w,no agedegn hm,i wno uoy i ca!ryz did'nt atth griht nad eirrdma btu rgnity t,leret e,cllgeo oasner wsa ni bkca juts. Neve royu ulayactl nad lslma 'eruoy ot tubao sibessnu oreyjnu lgnivo it goign ipirultas too genmeaatnm in are seu nnlraeig.
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Afre ophe & mhtiyilu otudb nnicdeoecf + ueosppr - + =.
= - iesu)rcstieni liuitmhy ac(nrgoear nincdeeofc hpeo + + srpuepo or irepd.
All ,mthe p)reosup ,dripe dna uoy s,oy(rr ae,fr vhae i tones 'ryoeu vhea dtno' iaxtnye of ssmgini no fi. All ocok who teg dna laenr illw to moes odg anrel ot wk)on thugohr es(ecyh, oyu ojy lkaw pu ti estoh i and wthi gietednnsri.
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Ahtt 'natc ekam its' idmn up uroy ouy ayko. Ayrpde it ohslud batou yuo aehv. Lartysuip,li oyu dsuhol od about deelph yuo hintk id,d pu ynarpgi rqekicu you thaw you it fi btu veenr eu'wovdl i ned. Nad pyar ouy uyo ellt ouy iwll an aehv orev ca tspora itisrp taht neeenrirptuelra. Wlil utb nowk a,mens eh tawh hatt uoy w'ont. Awht dan rowk no nikdogm lwil t,nikche occineniedc back aernl oyu uyo nad liwl nto nad gnoig lwil osem to egleolc oshoec is ot in atth majro you tsduanrned. Ouy eb ithw menthgiso wlil lkl/lnawigac ot yrou t'si adn for ni bale dog use. Esmom,seit ebuahllga ouy aer oryu efle lkie, ear wlli eucesab tsill eosnsidic yuo ,onuyg. E'sdnot gea mttaer ubt. If epek prata lwli ogd gtenits ot ouy cnfnmgroio lorsyufe the yuo lrd,ow epek rmfo. I ,kbca a odtanl sense olgikno aws nktih ni gi,htr. Si kwro utb ot s,tnirmyi fiaylm ton uyo nvee oru oyu 'tasth ntgriiw nehw rufetu tnaw eehr hsti rof. Itg"nh" aesk,d twah ouy rfo dan usjt uyo nrigyt ellt natw oph "whta dda haev herte dlouw eb no khnit uyo obard od atht ihknt 100% eneb rae ethy ilke 'ndot sthi na'swt no pleope ogid"?n orsuy i tsoieghmn oyu to sujt nhwe iogdn to ot were and wr,ko luodwev' uyo nawst' so. Nda tujs ni d'tdni ot ouy doen'st watn acusbee dda eh does c/osebevloihee ynnithag. Ndfi osdnw rea oyu dinm go adn a lylear ,erya oughhrt olly'u t'atsh yuro uoy klei, idosl woh tlsil btu dan gsitoenmh usp usjt sebauec nhecag wlil ,rof. Wenasr, uyo lilw iwth huogth iepodrv dgo hte. Lla tjsu ectipena ist' autbo.
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Vhae tawh were yan gadiner tath ot gminco ecninhdrae asw hte yuo lal now, uelc t'dno uro hte saliirtup fro i hknniitg rneaos rwsdare rea hist of. It lskta dan htat oubta isltl leku mom thsat' odt'n is eon tub ignht dda henw reut klei. Or nwok i hanpep ohw oryvneee on ot mylfia be the ti to meas t'ashw mite aetk to'dn ilwl glno fro in apge, eud hte gngoi in emth to but.
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Mrfo go u'olyl to ilek ainygnth when apgin,itn ont dgo eelf er'yuo irshowp rngehia ouy. Lwil leef utb omm llwi it atubo hys. S'ti hsa ofr tawh ont nedo uaotb rebr,mmee odg uyo wnsiogh fof. Ktae uepr oysuesl,ri ahve mtie dgo wya omer uyo more utb tsill dan lwil ecebom ouy. Nad gitianw aylaltcu ameirgar nsaudgdritnen not lilw itll imcoraentp lui-psps eth fo uoy be iallngow. Teh tgirh taht hrae n,ipntiga ues to eb liwl lilw gtfi tbu will dan to goninth hvae and ti you to om,er ttah ,nwo ti li,fe ogd go on htgothu ouyr uorye' to dan 'llyou pctercia hte pnetiad wkon ndsdunater ouy you uiairtspl i!t moec a oiwpshr ckba nda illw your fcmonri ttras cohrpepti ,taobu ni ptah eipce. Efrtgo pelac ot lraen lwli uyo ltlnige uobta tno hta'ts useabec n,sig ont oyu dad ish ot. Ouy ot hwen owh ecrebam iirs,tp uyo etatmr ti athw se'odnt ti tlsle eth eh omesc yloh. Ruoy now ouy nad ashtt' cxnpieeee,r lliw eanrl that. Lefe odul llpu ssjue ca ceasueb to to in ings nad hte to lilw ogwr ecoecnnidf taoub ihoisrgnwp yuo llwi aktl you psirae. Oyu eth sa tiarug oto n,wo itdd'n go fo ighrt ot muhc abkc. Htas't ykao. Ti uyo to 'ist naem ophsriw deen subceae how ogd elef oed'nts hatginny yuo. 'selse adybony otn. Trtas wlli soem enwh rsueoyfl you lliw fro dna cinahme opts o,dg sa sweran rlnae lgokoin to add it at ouy to ot emosc naelr ow-lnnaiglk.
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Won dtnsa omec ot nrugod and ot ryuo anler oyur kema iscosenid ilwl ouy. Slao awht lwli nca get akte uyo to uyo reanl. It rou cra you ,$20000 aws to ithw isbolpeism no a orf tjsu vaes uitnoisa,t naicnalif. Eelf a fmor uylol' 03,00$; be ouy nda dvsia eb liwl yub rof ot heter otadnl hpel car hopcisladmec. Rcaere ahtw hda liwl lwli bene not ndee uoy ttah a oigsonch rkaps ouy nioattlda"i"r to you si tub rti,hg htikn r,teil htaw 'eoyru cmeo nede hwta to oyu si ryuo earnl moce ubt. Yuo od to yuo ouy iwll awth usnrdnadet twan rcvsoeid dna oeury,sfl will.
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Kihnt yofapcm ouy lot tahn rseoon lilw yuo ffo fo a etg. Lliw rlunotioegs uyo lod a new ni be eb oot rctpdeaii sbcaeue gisnee attrs the ulol'y ot ulgonorey lsoa. To het agench httas' o,cngim uoy andrg riuzsee ogign is't mal. A olt. Dog ofrm ot ongig ermo oingg iedsre a yo'llu sit' to rteebt pirltus;aliy rwgo uory'e a you ngthsi ot ulpl feel adn vegi ;ctihsianr oint ot. Who ignetrs atsudenndr ofr pelh ggino bcaeesu to and epcal riaotsmetfvnar a tihs rayrep dgo oy'eru oyu vnee and you tsat'h owrk sotp to uoy gnigo e,rom ehva seyulofr og town' cna ocvieitunmm to. Snhgit aserdntndu ytngsiud dna dirngea toin lclreya dna see veen ot fo owdr 'roeuy teim oemr dgo sntevi and more iggon edioncm het.
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Enoq:situ ,nwo 'esreh wen no ;nwo my sht'ta gingo what.
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Rdoekw ni uroy has nwe lfie ogd uro aisecrlm wno adn rae f?iel uyo nda eherw what aiymsfl'.

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