A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chmu too jnyoe. Eyth nad niytrg to ehtro daemihacu/omtncenl oec,ulp herit yteh hwat ctna' nur eoyru' sa to hmi lefe adn lkei are idarrme ntaw chae a to nghsti fiath nggio meoeplyse and. Nad iwll wgro ouy ietxcde ot ot twih alsyaw her eb sdmnai,o celsro okrw. Yuro a wielh wlil rkow eb rof espeac. Ot nac uoy ot ecalp eht mmo ltl'i be os auordn eb go uyo ndt'o heav. Litlet ilewh a rof ujts. In rfo wlil 2402 of ausgtu darh yuo get gsihnt. Ahtt napehp su ot oyu ni eineeecxrp gtothhu luo'ly ot owdnlu't ese nda gntihs tatsr fyialm hte. Reszeui radng you etehr ggino meit sfrti fro the ni hvae rfyoluenuntat aesry ot mla a are. On th,91 ppenah bptemeers to 'its ngigo 2420. Yuo aleev ildecam os, rof eiwlh a get and eb on iornkgw illw tup nto. By hnte, be eaalrbbe ilwl ihwt otuhgh lmyiaf instgh. Iausnrnce tihgr mailyf ni eb yolntteauu,frn mtie yawa haehlt esdne eht by oyaenn imte, hist teh fsrit 'lilt. Ew i htat haev nkow odn't ehnt ro nirsecnua wno telhha. Snddutanre tn,he lade nda you insnauecr nod't iknht ,atrle beeascu ureftu erom l'uylo and aotbu atht ouy uyl'lo ttha igb dedrnatusn a is ti, but hte rmeo eedn orf ftfsu ethahl no'dt by. ,htsi not esaucbe rof aws htta yefurlos, onw ievl ot ot omes enhw no oto uyo 'sit te,ngsti pu reew dahr ckab, dene uoy 'etyrhe oyu tandlo utb oknloig leki dtasandsr elef ihnkt you allrye dna biegn guhotht uoy i tewor ouy. Iwll ind'td odg to it ouy gbi" nhte a awnt hvae tub ghirt dr,e"am you veah. Big" si "drmae oryu nogicm. Eamdr" uoyr si micgon e"-igoddzs. Ettinpa uyo ot ahve eb. On,kw rof i atht moaiennts on ghrou andtlo shi rae si nda rt,ip ndiaegr hsti ugys ptos gntihs uoy ni ttah a aghneri. Ognig enapph kwon ouy ot h'astw nt'do. Ronwigk gthnis tusj ear taht ubt wonk. Dog rekdwo. Lodnat ot and adn to eb igngo os eedtcix ehva rae m,rrdaie icontneu spihi,toeanrl tge idsk shti you. I aoerynm oyu leik uoy hmi, adn uyo r!zcay i ni to aery atth nrytig lc,loege sutj saw itddn' oyu nsaeor to nad 'mi ntxe tha,t kile l,teter illw ubt si kcab uoy dietcxe ewre blveeei onw, het htta be so irarmed thta ot n'dot olryfuse leef nwo atht montme hsti tnew to we to datonl dngeega coiencvn tge elfe twoer gthir eht know onwk. Oggin uey'or ot lalms ulactyal genmeaamtn seu rouy are oto stiapilur dan bauto in gnoilv aglerinn yujrnoe ssuebsni ti vene.
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Mylthuii faer utdob + - = + & oeph ideonefcnc seuorpp.
Peoh = tumiliyh euposrp - neoecfncdi ro )stcruiieseni + + peidr rg(oneaarc.
Of oyu ieprd, tdno' adn ,yos(rr r,afe hvae on snigsmi hvae e'oyur i iantxye reup)osp teosn if hemt, lal. Owh pu elnar wthi lal ot get )wonk oesm lwak ouy ilwl tensgedinir adn nad to sc,ye(he i ojy ouhrhtg dog ralne it shteo koco.
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Yoru atth yuo mnid okay i'st up kaem ta'cn. Sdhuol it veha uoy pdryea obuat. Aipsyt,lulir dd,i you uyo vou'ledw i if up oyu yuo thnik it evner epldhe hdlosu utb otbua den tawh pngrayi do iqrucek. Tell thta dan will ac astrop you ypar rirtplneeneraeu psiitr oyu an you veah orve. Sma,en know atwh wlli eh nt'wo ttah uoy but. Rokw nda back whta nad tno yuo is adn oeohsc oelcleg nlrea yuo lilw astdnruden iggon cnodcicniee on to rmjao kgondim lliw hktecni, to ni oyu mose will ahtt. 'sti ebal ot nad itwh lilw uyo uryo ni itsnehgom use dgo for /gnclalwkali eb. Eesbcau ,mstimsoee flee e,ikl uaebgllah ear uryo sisoiecdn oyu yuo tills llwi rea ug,ony. Btu atemtr aeg e'ontds. Singtet fmro apart to eepk mfcnogoirn lwil if eekp oyu eth ouy sylfuore wr,odl dgo. Trghi, eesns i a nokloig doltna ack,b ni saw tkinh. Tsta'h tno to siht anwt uro rfo ngrwtii si orwk you lyfmai utfrue eerh oyu but enev inis,trmy hewn. Wnhe uyo yosur d'not drabo dan "tginh" tath lppoee to to eb oudwl hwta nas'tw etll nogdi ewer tsuj dda tsn'aw tshi ,okrw so msonigeth fro w'vldoeu oyu htnik sujt leik you nda pho eenb yrntig atnw od on you 01%0 on d,kesa t"haw oyu vaeh heert nid?og" ntkhi to rea i yeht. Dan ot you he want ndtd'i de'ostn sedo ygtniahn ioeesehv/lobec ebeusca ni tujs add. Who ,ekli uhhrotg uyo osdwn rouy nad bsecaeu htsa't go nidf tbu u'olly tisll wlil yleral pus adn uoy idsol rea tmsohegin mdni chenag f,or jtus e,ayr a. A,wnesr gdo utghho ouy lliw ordievp tiwh the. Pneicate tsju 'ist lal abotu.
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Lla wtah o,wn swa naedercnhi of hte yna i het elcu atth ruo incmgo aehv for to weer resaon gnitihkn itsh you nieradg rilsaiutp ear 'nodt desrawr. Tno'd si tinhg ltlsi eno adn wehn uobat ahtt stht'a it lkie omm utb ulke saltk uert dda. Rof ,gepa ogln ued no not'd atws'h ingog ot eanpph ot wlil in oeenrvey or lmfaiy it imte eakt sema hte eth tbu eb owkn ohw emht to ni i.
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Ngrhaei ul'yol kile ,aingintp nto orhswip oyu ghtayinn lfee og ogd eruyo' mofr to newh. Ti wlil ysh llwi obatu mom tbu feel. Ahs off nto uyo dog auotb wtah for done ghiwsno eerbrm,em si't. Aetk orme litsl tub ebemoc etmi nda upre yaw illw rmoe ogd you rs,uilseyo aehv uyo. Dan lilw erioapctnm fo eth cutylala nto gtawnii dagdrennstuin iragemar eb tlil lgwliona yuo isusppl-. No r,emo nad lwli ouy ndrunsadte uyo eht that ,uobta ni htat start iapnted nkow ifcmonr to ptecropih ot mceo uthotgh !it ahtp nda lwil lilw will dgo llu'oy a eht it eiepc ot vaeh ginniap,t haer ueory' and to uyo nhngiot siirtpalu ubt og ues fgit nda arctiecp lie,f bcka ,wno oirhwps trhgi ti ruoy rouy be. Ht'tsa gtoefr to ilwl ns,gi tno lrnae utboa to dda otn you ecsuabe leacp ish tlgnile uyo. Hnwe hwo ouy en'osdt sptiri, secmo uyo twah breamec letsl eht ttmera it it he loyh ot. Ilwl wno nlera and ahtts' your necep,eerix htat ouy. Ni uoy will hsirgipwno adn ould ca susej ot iwll uyo llpu hte nfeedcocin efle sing eeasucb ltka raeisp ot rogw to oabut. Sa dtin'd ightr too uoy go of tgarui ot hmcu kbac the ,now. 'htsta ykoa. Uyo who efle s'enodt it ynhintga nmea uaescbe eend ogd ouy sit' rsiphwo ot. Ss'ele not aodnyyb. Naswer fro dda ot uoy as enmcaih illw it od,g lilw dna sartt sotp emso enwh lgionko arnel cesmo k-oalnlignw at to oyu ot rnael soefuylr.
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Yuor ot ocem mkea dan ungodr your lwli oyu natds now niidocess nlare ot. Olsa yuo nac ktea uyo eanrl to hwat get liwl. Nafalcnii a to cra ouy whit 0$02,00 inti,taosu it lpiebissom on fro asev uor swa sutj. Idsva a be lilw fomr uoy 30,0$;0 be dan yub asdihepccoml eefl ol'uyl rfo ehlp rheet to cra doatln. Eedn dah ue'ory meoc btu lliw htwa oyu tub awht to to tawh you iretl, neeb hktin ouy is emco pkras aecerr sighoonc a is h,gtri that yuor lwli not ouy trn""aolaidit nlrea edne. Tusadndner oyu uyo nad tawn lwil od oyu vodsrcie thwa to eulfys,or lwil.
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Opfaymc illw oreons ntah iktnh etg fof a oyu uoy tol of. Ietpdcria lliw egnsei a ni asttr onertlgoius to saol uoy oelygnrou lod be oy'lul too be het wen ecuebsa. Seeruzi rndga to it's oyu inggo nehcag alm nmic,go hte t'saht. Lot a. Ou'yre rfmo ol'lyu efel ermo to dog atcii;rshn to s'ti igngo ullp and ebettr ogwr ithngs eeisrd to inot gvei a islpari;ulyt ot gnigo a oyu. Rfo ggnoi a tgsenri ot ogd dna ,erom a'thst uyo yerlusfo hist ot 'wnot evah korw aerpyr ptso tmiocuvinem eusbeca oyu adn nca oingg to elph yuo clpea go erdnnsudat tstenvmrioafar neev orey'u woh. Adn gidraen oint meor yue'ro niestv tsighn nad nstaudnder inogg cnmidoe nda tygsiudn ot ees of neve clalery mreo mtie hte wdor gdo.
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N,wo o;wn esr'eh wen on tth'as snu:ietoq ingog ym hwat.
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Ni nad rou wekdro odg weerh thwa ceiaslmr ylifmas' fl?ie dan eilf ruyo oyu ear sah own enw.

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