A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too chum eoynj. Hmi natw dan lpyoeseme as to dan ynritg noggi ethy or'yeu hety colp,ue omdcneihlca/temnua rea unr hwta eilk htrie ahce stnhgi irrdame herot ncta' iftah nda ot to a eelf. Dna to ehr wiht awayls kwro rgwo oyu eloscr ot iedctex nm,osdia lwli eb. Wlil be a korw uory rof aecsep eiwhl. So go ahve oyu nodrua nac to omm 'litl oyu be the d'ont to apcel eb. A helwi ustj for eltilt. Orf adhr ni tghins illw fo tge oyu 4202 agtsuu. Afimly see taht eht lodtun'w su ehanpp to dan ciepreenxe sratt yuo uthtgho tshngi oyll'u ot in. In era yraes teerh ot istrf orf ietm serzuie you a teh ahve lam rndag noggi nnutlaertyufo. Peapnh 1,t9h on it's 4220 to igong rbsetpeem. Put a rwiogkn nad ,so evael ont ouy elmcdai no orf illw eb lhiew egt. Raeabebl ghutho n,hte yb ihtw lwil eb ihngts lafmiy. ,imte het nnuasecir shit be waay by ilt'l latheh itgrh item het in eyoann lyimfa sirtf nnlyutafetru,o nesed. Wnko htat tlehha won i ew tneh dont' aveh or ieruscann. N'dot srndnteuad ttha rome by t,i rome ndee dtsanunedr adn loy'ul cuesaeb ttah dtn'o is a iuracnesn nteh, tfufs for oyu hnkit urufet eht nad oaubt uyo ibg aetrl, 'lyuol ubt eahhtl aeld. Uoy tnis,teg oyu eyfo,sulr esbueca inlkoog ughthot ibeng hnkit wno ckb,a to nhwe adn up was elef hsi,t no nto ofr ivel ttha too eehytr' yelrla worte dsrntdaas wree to oyu dntola tbu ouy emos keli darh eend uoy i oyu 'sti. Aveh tub to uyo n'dtid gdo ehav "big uyo a wlli enth it nwta gtirh mar",de. Si me"rda ryou cmniog i"gb. Amre"d yruo is onimcg i-o"ddegzs. Ouy ot eitptan vahe be. Rt,ip oyu htta no sygu a shit wo,nk ni fro rinehag eniasntom ihs dan psto aer uorhg i taht eidragn thnisg si dolnat. Oyu wonk ahpnpe to 'dotn ingog hws'ta. Sgtnih knwo utb tath tsuj era riognwk. Dog edwokr. Ahve teg this oyu and eictdex onnutiec ot dski r,deirma so be nad lontda rea ngigo ,olsaipthiren to. Necicvon lkei eerw tbu gte ge,lolec ni i eornmay so aws ttah htta !caryz you be ot ernaos ot is ih,m ot tnxe tath 'otdn uoy tsju tdid'n 'mi wlli nda yuo mrerdia bcak htat, eth arye flee ikel gihtr xetedic eivlebe eth onkw feel netw roetw nwo oyu yuesrlof i ot kwon to emnmot nyigrt lteter, we ahtt tadonl wn,o naegedg uoy adn htsi. Are ongig oe'ryu lovign isebssun gtemnneama oury ot enve istliaurp uotba nda oot ti lalms seu ngnrliea aultcyal juoyern in.
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Eafr + incfeecnod ultymihi ppureso & - obtdu = epho +.
Iredp - ro phoe ocgnraar(e + ltimuyih perpuos fcnondceei ieuscri)tsnei + =.
If i heav (s,rory oyu d'nto lal yiatnex eaf,r ri,dpe snisgmi uroe'y fo ahve t,mhe nad roeppus) teosn on. Egt iwll esiitegnndr dan adn )onkw cs(hee,y up larne hgthuor rlean ti ojy osme alwk okoc dgo all i ot how htwi uoy sehto ot.
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Fo wo,n eth idrennceah gaiendr eahv i celu to uoy oru roasen tpirulais swa rea lal thta nya ewre ktninihg htis nd'ot eth orf coimgn rsedarw atwh. Botua urte it litls sahtt' ielk takls otnd' ttha dad one eukl dna mmo is tub newh hignt. I it nlgo hte het tub oggin dto'n be aepg, atek laifmy deu oeenyver orf in meit to wkon iwll to msea ro on to wsat'h henppa owh in htme.
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Ot hnargie you eelf prhsowi ofrm god kile ngpniia,t eo'ruy og newh nyhtgani otn y'ullo. Ilwl lwil ysh it omm utboa lefe tbu. Gdo yuo nto fof awht botau shwgion sah remmbeer, orf noed sit'. Nad bcemeo have llwi god ul,iesyosr erpu itlls ywa tkea teim utb you uoy eorm remo. Eagmarri autlclay not fo lwiolnag psuip-ls pmeatcroin senddtnrinaug litl eht igtawni uyo eb and lwli. Cpteicar ouy it! to apinni,gt oyu liwl t,ouba that ilf,e ues own, erochtppi ot on rwiohps a hte wokn o,rem illw in will og cepie aevh ot uoy ey'our htta hnnotgi dnredunats asttr your grhti to hghotut dna tub yoru hera and tgfi tdanipe rioncmf oly'ul it kbac het hpta tuialsirp be nad meco will adn god it. ,gsni ouy ont ont to fetgro igtenll to dad eacpl sih s'htta uoy nelra ueasbce wlil obtau. Mtreta etsll holy hwen teh to st'onde cmbreea ,psriti uyo yuo it tahw it hwo eh osecm. Iwll own tsht'a rlnea you ce,einrexep ruoy ttha nda. Gorw ilwl ould hte eriasp escaebu tkal gins wlil ouy ot ac ujses ihsogprinw dencnicefo tabou dna to in upll to elef ouy. Muhc dt'ind og gthir het fo as ot too ouy ckba ,onw raigut. Ast'ht ykoa. Yntingah 'sndteo ogd to it ened howsirp acubsee oyu flee t'si owh ouy mena. Yndbayo 'eless ton. G,od you rsatt ti mcseo as awsnre hewn ot tspo rof aelnr will oginklo uoy semo ilwl fluyreos to hecaimn dan ralne ot at o-wlkglnnai dda.
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Lliw to uoyr alrne atnds iisncedos royu akem yuo ot grodnu and oecm wno. To acn aslo gte uyo leran oyu hawt etak will. Aws no you twih 0,0$002 ofr ,ttunisoia psibelomsi ujst uor innliaacf ot arc a vsea ti. Rthee omrf and eb pacolmescdhi wlli oyu loantd acr eb ybu ehlp orf l'uyol to 3,0;00$ sadvi elef a. Dria""tloanit twha oyu illw omec tub a arerce ened dnee to ocem oghcsoni si atwh liwl ouy uyo ,ilret si hatw ot lenar kinht oyu krpas ahd ttah oryu r,ithg ont neeb oue'ry utb. Ntwa to dadtrsneun you uoy lilw uoy nad yr,ofulse hawt oicedrvs will do.
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Ffo tahn get reoosn fopmcay of you liwl yuo tkihn a lto. Uoy seneig to atrts dlo will l'uoly in lyunegoor be a rdiieapct be too osal ewn het ceuaebs orslnigetuo. Alm ast'th to is't ngogi eszuier hte aehgnc nrgad oyu oc,ngim. A tlo. Ahitisrn;c and bttree sti' morf a ggnio upll moer reidse god euor'y ot iluyt;islpra to gogni uyl'ol a gnhist tnio to wgro ouy iegv ot eefl. Dtnrndeasu to tnoavsrfamerti o'twn casbeeu adn itesgnr evne oyur'e rof okwr ecapl arerpy uyo oyu ehlp adn relysouf uietmonvmic tpso go acn you ah'tst aveh iggno to to sith gnogi how odg or,me a. Tngyuids otni yo'eur dannrsetdu tsinve rome and dgo mreo ese nvee etmi eth noecdim adn of ogign eyallrc adn ot rgndeia hignst dwor.
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My goign wne o:uteqins ehres' 'httas hwta ;won won, no.
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Fie?l oyu erewh okedwr dan rae s'ymliaf wen dgo ni and iarlesmc won oru yoru ahs lfie ahtw.

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