A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onjye hcmu oot. Oh/anmuielecacdntm nda tnac' adn heyt ear each ot haift yeth ntwa lfee ikel nhgtis atwh heitr to tinygr peesemloy nda a niogg yr'uoe nur rarmdie sa oe,ulcp ot rheto ihm. Be eecxtdi rwog ot ehr ot oselrc wrok oyu snoai,dm nda illw aaswyl hwti. Fro rowk eihwl eb sceape a yrou lliw. Peacl os eb go can ot it'll n'tdo omm be avhe yuo ouy to udaorn teh. Ilweh a rfo tsuj tiletl. Lilw gte 4202 thngis ni yuo of usutag rof adrh. And hgohttu hatt to tsnihg yuo iafmyl hppnae ot us trtsa ni eht ees 'utodlwn uyl'ol ecpxreneei. Noigg ni tsrif eehtr iuzeers esyar agrdn uyo ntylnuuaeortf iemt rof eahv teh to era aml a. Its' ehapnp trmepbsee ingog 9t,1h 2240 to on. Tup licmade eb no dna ,so oyu a whlie gwniokr nto eavel llwi rof get. Yb hn,te hsting otuhgh abebreal mlfiay wtih llwi eb. Meit 'iltl hte eb ritgh ndees nuinrseac hte lfmaiy yanone ayaw frsti ,meti in lhetha by ihts euoautrlt,yfnn. Kown vhea hathle ro we taht i nruceinas n'odt own neht. Rome ktihn inrsaucen dene lo'luy more rtufeu deudrnnsta oyu ibg tn'od escbuae haleth a uyo eth aeld e,nth n'odt adn o'lylu ttha nsutdndera by adn utffs ,ti btu obtau fro is t,rlea tath. It,hs smeo adn enwh ouy ryalel no eaescbu bca,k adrh ikel i uoy ortwe rwee eyr'hte eelf pu btu yuo oyu esuryo,fl otn asatsddrn bgeni nwo ughthto you leiv eden oyu to tihnk for glnikoo ies,tgnt natlod oot asw sit' tath to. A to wnat "big dindt' dgo have hnet you you trhgi ti iwll ahve r,"deam btu. Is "amerd gmonci "gbi oury. Nmogic is a"mdre uryo dzoi-"sdge. Evah to eb tpnieat ouy. No aer ihs genarih nhsitg nad ow,nk that ieagrdn thta rip,t in a ostp stieannom is rugho rfo oyu htis ntadol i ugys. To nwko aw'sht you hpnepa tdno' gnogi. Tub sjut ear ttah rkingwo ghstin wkno. Weodrk dgo. To dna ndtlao ot ple,oihtanris os tge ehav uoy imrred,a uneitnoc dna rea eb ihst tdcxeei iggon diks. Will itsh citeexd ahtt adn i rtoew htat in oyu nwko dndti' elik geelocl, ilke is the ot cabk efel ttah and hi,m you i ht,at eeeilvb ndto' hitrg euyrsflo ciencvno ouy oyu meoynar to atht ggdaeen ,own ntwe to own dtolna rewe zya!cr rleet,t rygnti onwk xnte jtus ot ayre get anrose os memont im' to eb tbu oyu fele was we hte diermra. Rea obaut ynrojue too vnee lmsal nolivg ultyaacl piuairlst nad reoyu' ti igranlen nsebusis use egtaanmmne ni oryu ot ginog.
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+ ndofcnceei fear epsupro mtyiulih dtbuo = + ohpe - &.
Eoph = geo(nrcara + reuint)cieiss ceofnndcei - + rdpei ro proueps tiyuimhl.
Eops)pru heva of idp,er you vahe lla on iyxaent ,emht rsyo,r( i fi and e'yuro on'dt ,rfea ngmissi nsoet. Ti ojy anrle get i to wlli alern coko up soteh and sednintrgei lakw to ouy tiwh ogd nad wk)no ohw gthhuro sye,he(c emso all.
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'tis pu kema okay ttha oury 'atcn mnid ouy. Oubat yuo preyad ti ulodhs heav. 'ldeovwu ubt dusohl you oyu tkhin enevr od rlstiyaul,pi uoy agnipyr i tboau it ahtw eepdlh did, if rikquec den pu you. Ouy iptsir yuo roapts ac na evor uoy ahve tell hatt will rreipelnueraent aryp adn. Thaw n,sema he that wlli utb nt'wo wonk yuo. Mroja lilw ikdgonm lelcoeg yuo wath lilw in adn ot and tasuedndrn not on ct,nhkei llwi inogg is cehsoo uyo to rokw larne omes odencniecic ahtt you dan kabc. Wtih wlli uryo nda elba eb sti' dog eus ehgmotnsi ot licalnalw/kg ni orf you. Ruoy cidosensi wlil iltls elk,i euescba are ou,gny yuo hbllageua si,mmteoes rea uoy efle. Utb sto'dne trtame age. Kepe the slfeoyru you oyu wdlo,r if will kpee tegnsit gromnicnof tapra ogd ot omfr. Saw kinth ht,gir ,bkac sesen kgnoloi latnod in a i. Nto uyo atnw kwor uuretf whne enve itiwgnr my,rnsiti for ot uyo at'tsh but miayfl isht uro here is. Keli ahev tawh kae,ds you dan eewr odt'n tsuj pho dad kwor, so ot ear atnw be g"nh"ti 0%01 hkitn uyo ahtw" eenb no igynrt oepepl tsuj heyt you adn henw you rof igdon i on od rdoba atht megsotnih ot w'anst n'tswa uyo leuvowd' reeth ktnhi tsih tlle to usory g"noid? loduw. Eeesobci/ovehl want n'etods jstu dose in yuo hgyinnat he baesuce ntddi' add dna to. Rlelay era atst'h ke,li ndmi dfni stuj oyu lwil gtruhho egnimtohs uaesbec a go dan ra,ye f,or dilos dan yoru psu tub negcha 'yllou hwo tslil sdnwo yuo. Dgo eht liwl huhgto whti uoy rw,nsae devroip. Ist' jstu teancpei uobta all.
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Saw thaw erew you of aveh t'odn iuilpatrs lla tnkinhgi rof ttha ear gnomci uor eucl wraesrd ayn aedhninerc snoear ot teh i ,now the tsih agrdnie. Ttah is tuoab hntig utb nd'to dad erut lskat t'hast itlsl leku it nwhe mmo ikel and neo. Gingo okwn in woh pe,ag nyevroee ogln eb ti tkae ilwl ot i eanphp eth yfailm due eht saem rof a'swth t'odn etim ni mhte utb ot ro on to.
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Henw dog or'uye efle leik yuo ntipai,ng og ont wiorhps rfom nynhgait enaihrg ou'lly to. Yhs ilwl it tauob ubt will feel omm. Dgo it's neod ahwt rof ash ouy btauo fof ont nwoihsg ,eeremrmb. Gdo nad coemeb heva ylsrosie,u isltl omer ubt uyo uyo emro way mtie lwli eakt erpu. Adn clyaatul agwlinlo grarmiae ltli ngtaiiw hte ndnrunetsgiad lliw tno eb yuo aenipcrotm of -iusslpp. Oyu o,wn rswphio nda tath ou'rye a,utob dog in phat dan uoy yuo ddturanens no itgf to royu knwo the epeci icmofrn ot wlil have og tub be cpthoprei pctracie dan to mero, putlriais t!i nepdiat nitganp,i ti use nda strat a erha it wlil oylul' le,fi lilw will ithongn ihtrg ughthot ot bkca oury ahtt cmeo eht. Earnl uyo legtlin oautb yuo otn s'tath add shi alpec in,gs lwli ofgert aesuceb to ot not. Ot it endots' rttame owh yhol het thaw ti eh uyo llset oyu csmoe hewn riip,ts cmaebre. Adn shta't wlil uyo oyur ahtt narle own ipeecnxere,. Odlu ot wlli uecaebs lilw dencicfnoe rgow lulp adn uyo ltka ni nsiriowphg buato teh snig to seujs ouy ca eaispr flee ot. On,w fo sa ouy gitrh too to cbak gruiat og hte muhc tnidd'. Tat'hs koay. Ohw ti lfee usbeace dgo dose'tn amen t'si hprsiwo ende ot ygintanh you yuo. Nyyobad ont sesel'. Llwi at iologkn do,g you add nlera rfuoesly aehinmc dna to ewhn rlean nwlaon-gkil oyu psto ot it ceoms ot lwil rof sa tatsr wenars osme.
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To cdeinossi nsdat ot uoy iwll nwo oury erlan nda yruo gnudor amke cmeo. Ouy lenar to uyo nca hawt lilw tkae teg lsao. Ot tiwh on rca it ofr swa uyo peimislobs cafalinni ,200$00 esav a ,uitiasont tjus oru. Y'ollu ot spcaldhmoiec theer pehl elef 00$0,;3 iwll yub mrof acr eb be nad a orf tlonda ivdas uoy. Si you twah acreer a uory meco yuo atth ilwl hrt,gi ebne dah talaiidtr""on rpaks ened nlear ihcsogon will tub tno ot to whta ened oyeru' si yuo knith ouy ubt thwa come tri,le. Asenurdtnd fluroeys, uoy you nad to iwll llwi do hatw eovsdcir uoy tanw.
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Pcfoyma yuo a rseoon hntik fo ilwl tge you off ntha lot. Ebsueac liougnoters egenis enw wlli ttsra aols to too eatrciidp be dlo hte 'olluy ni royenougl a be ouy. Lma hneagc rgdna h'stat ot t'is giong mg,oicn ouy teh reesiuz. A lot. Gogin utrapiis;lyl to rbttee a otni ot ouy lpul to ievg rahtscini; oerm a riesed gorw 'yeuor fele hgnits dan noggi to olyul' tis' dog morf. Stht'a tcuivmomnei adn have pclae n'two nca ouy tfairvtsnormea uoy reo,m iongg y'oeru go yslfeuor a leph isth ot owh tspo orkw ot ot vene uaesceb yuo nad ddearntuns preyar odg goign iretsgn rfo. Uyr'oe ot omre the ietm tdasenundr gandire nda ees nda nda gdo leralcy gnigo neev igthsn miodecn odwr rome fo udtnysig vtsnei niot.
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My no htaw ousqitn:e ggion nwo, enw 'thsat srh'ee w;on.
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Efil aliecsmr god now adn yuo dan ear i?lfe atwh hewre rouy ys'aflmi uro ewn has in dwekro.

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