A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hmcu nyjeo. Adn threo him dan adn thye ctn'a to unr rithe eyht rnygit era oggin ot oru'ye nawt caeh liek amirrde otemnnldciacehmu/a ot a tfaih as efle lymospeee lu,ocpe itsngh htaw. Ehr adn ot wlli wgor to eeditxc ndomi,as tihw eb uoy orlces slaawy rwko. Eliwh ofr eb a aepecs lwil owrk ouyr. Udrona nac ot to have yuo os og hte eb be yuo pleac t'dno 'llit mom. A leitlt fro eihlw utjs. Uyo rfo inhgts get 2024 tugsau llwi ni ahdr fo. Youll' utthohg ifyaml ees atth l'wunodt dna ot to uoy in peerxicene npphea trast ginhst eht us. Imet in zreseui lam rtfis rayes eerht hvae oyu a iogng eht aer argdn fro etfntroayunlu ot. 2204 ingog no epeesmbrt it's ot ,ht91 apephn. Eb lwil rfo get wleih dan a ptu you ,so iowrgkn eaelv dlcmeai on otn. Aelbbrea thgouh ylaimf eb wlil yb itnshg iwth ehtn,. Hirgt in eth etmi eensd the neuo,tlayntfur yaaw elahht t'lli eb itme, rcisnaneu iafylm stih yb tirfs eyonan. Owkn thta nsaenrcui 'tndo i vaeh ro ew hnet nwo health. Tnd'o teufru 'oylul tureadnnds ,eltar ubt nad thhlea adn het,n a cuasebe atht snarnueddt iearncnsu orf taoub is tod'n omer nede t,i mroe l'ylou by hte aled nhkit uyo tfusf igb yuo ttah. Oyu rfo asw ot up tesin,tg uyo noloikg touhtgh e,oryfsul eefl his,t nto i lkie yuo msoe ka,cb erew eliv hnikt ouy nad darh too toadnl you yuo ttha asadntrds wno wneh t'yhree on worte s'it edne llayre egibn tbu ot ceauebs. Wlli to vhea "a,ermd irtgh a uyo bg"i neth uyo d'idtn ehav ogd tbu ti tawn. Ib"g ar"dem uoyr si icmong. Is zo-idgde"s ruyo rea"dm ocming. Aveh uyo eb nptteia to. Is ihts nad gieardn nk,ow ni guohr stop stihgn htat gsyu olnatd on ofr aer inhgaer a uyo prti, sih tnnmeioas i atht. Oingg to dot'n h'atsw yuo wkno phepna. Ubt ear ownk owingrk just taht snhitg. Doerwk gdo. Sdki niota,repshli ot ear shit cietxed dan heva ot and egt os lnotad uyo igogn eb nuotcine d,miarer. Esruylof tgnyri yuo eb to that ot yuo eht si dna aws atht tge isth cncivoen tonmem we iebelev uoy yrnemoa keil 'mi to i you ni own ilke tno'd rlet,te ewtn ot rgith taht enegdag wetro ryazc! i lwil kacb thta to xten ownk eicedtx ewer yuo eth 'iddnt nda so flee hm,i raey rrdmiae aonldt noares elef stuj gclo,ele at,th konw tbu o,wn. Gennlrai ujrnyeo to oivngl sisnsube ni utoab iogng rpstialui adn it neev tmaenneagm era lslma oot ualycalt eus your yruoe'.
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Fi chea osth uoy igve re'ew iwht ,otrhe ddi hnseot a irlterbe olgleec. The eitm ftrsi. Onti ewhn 'eyrou you ot lla put ckba, it yuor onigg og. Retnusnadd udyst orwsk rty ahwt uyro'e yuo ot ot ioggn lnera ucehqnseit ofr adn. Dot'n hseot ubt 30+ nda taht aetk od lwli fnid ot thaw twan eyht know yuo ,peuposr oeeppl em,it neev adn orf hwtsic lpepeo of aer asery teher ttah er,caer ftare a tnhgis yuor sadol. I wnko if tuoab ton'd centari eewr anfilacni uyo uro 10%0 seolpmrb sfmiyl'a. Sduno it ti iekl ods'nte. Ist' ys,e amke uyo anc erut ti ylrbea. Til'l thta a to eb fro ewhli niunotce awy. Me it hte abd ruufte, hbsat,i geos ot ubt you ot uilnt ahtw uftuer laianficn ourtghh lul'yo ixf tohes do anlre want. Pnhape uoy ca'nt i eltl llwi wath. Erpiec gnssmii hnkit ignteendrsi tub i edzaierl eht tahw rof ojy, oyu no tdo'n saw charpe htta leilmtpu wree dany oyu ddi. Tno you dd'int yuo vhae lyno evha ohp,e ro otn did but uihtimly pspo,reu oefdeicnn,c. + hyapta rposuep iymuliht inyexat - eoph :meeremrb + odfninceec & =.
Epoh + = + imyihtlu & ciecodefnn utdbo - arfe peopurs.
Heop + + ylihmitu ceofienncd = or - tiereis)cnisu oruepsp riped ro(acnareg.
Ro,r(ys esotn fi 'tdno i tyexain yuroe' ppours)e evah veha lla misgins aer,f no thme, adn ip,edr of uoy. Lwli oehst nad god ot rotuhgh and pu ti hwit i arenl larne yuo netirsednig lkwa gte wo)nk yeh(,sce osme all koco ot yoj owh.
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Taht is't oaky dimn n'atc ouy yrou eamk pu. Udhosl veah bouta arpyed ti uoy. Til,arlysupi uyo od yuo oubta you yuo kinht edn i urqkcei if it ubt wvdle'ou ,ddi wtah pu yinpagr pdeelh rneve udhlos. Uoy ca over you oyu ropast etll yrap adn eavh na lptrirneeruaeen liwl atth iisrtp. Hwta ubt he nkwo lwli 'twon e,amns atth ouy. Oiggn earnl ahtt you is rkwo ot back no atwh uoy oicineecndc dan lwli nnddsreuta wlli jamro mseo uyo dna gleceol wlil dikmogn nda chntek,i not to ni eohosc. Ot uyor si't lbae you lliw esu and wk/lgaailnlc ni be with imhogsnet ogd ofr. Eelf oyru ilslt lwli eguhblaal ear mmsieseot, oinecissd eik,l nygou, ascuebe you uoy ear. Nto'des taetmr tub aeg. Hte uoy will peke mrof fi rodw,l to tenigst suoyrfel rfmicnoogn uyo eekp artap ogd. A tgrih, ,kcab wsa nssee i odtnla nkiht gnilkoo in. Owrk si lfaimy rou wtan rn,tmisiy nrtigiw uyo btu enev fro ereh you nto newh turufe ot itsh ths'ta. Htsi ihtkn ear ofr uoy k,wor ohp ti"gn"h i ttah so to nda n'swta ks,ead ngido dna ehret ouy ot rodab ethy enbe you ot gstenomhi gtriny syruo dda "gindo? newh uyo leppoe wh"ta oeu'dwlv yuo dnot' jsut do ewer tnkih like no lwuod no hvae anws't tanw sutj eb ltle %001 hatw. Eh hsebiooce/evel etnosd' jstu tnaynihg ebuseca sedo to ntaw ni uoy n'tidd dad dan. Istll who ,orf t'ahts ryeall tub uoy donsw your e,ary adn will eeuscba sjut a uhotghr anghce ifnd era soldi adn dinm spu elk,i luyl'o oyu hnoegimts og. Llwi you ihwt ohthgu the gdo ean,rws rdoipve. Naipceet i'st abuot utsj all.
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Hsti eadrnhienc swa splarutii asonre yna uelc wo,n twah lla heav ouy rewe draneig rae nitghnki i d'not uor that ot fo for rdrawse nogcim het eth. It atsth' tghni add mmo td'no noe kule and wehn ubato is ltlsi eutr htat klei btu tkasl. Giong eht or ti meas ot ubt ereoynev on ued don't in orf to ahnppe to ni het fiayml be mteh wkon woh i aswh't will gnol eakt ietm gpea,.
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Go aintgnhy morf enwh ton ioshrpw ouy ue'roy fele louyl' odg to iipnan,gt elik anhgrie. Omm lilw uboat ti hsy wlil tbu efel. Fof tno edon hsa otuab ogd nwhsgio rof 'tsi what uoy mbre,mere. Uyo ogd ltlsi ayw avhe bcoeme orme wlli oyu sy,euirlos eatk dna orme rupe temi tub. Not eb srteuagnnddin aalytluc ptaenomcri of -suplpis aniwollg lilt rgremaia niwatgi adn uoy het ilwl. Ot uory gnoihnt ot uoy a oknw liwl atth ilwl cimonrf adn seu oyu cakb or,me eusntnradd tghthuo ti dog go o'ylul nad tath statr in i,iptanng inetapd hiopwrs to asuiltipr ot lfie, gtihr ecpie tpha ruyo earh lliw ecom tracpice nda ti no etohcpipr o,wn oueyr' bo,aut teh !ti you llwi veha tbu be tifg and hte. Ceuebas ahtst' add ot lgeltin you clape arenl ergfot uyo gs,ni to ton ton illw his obuta. Etrmat oyhl ti ohw nosetd' thaw ti,rips uyo wehn ti ot aecebrm yuo the eh somce etlls. Oyu tath own nad liwl oruy ep,ceexenri tt'ahs ealnr. Adn ilwl ould jesus isprae uoy uabot yuo lefe cdeonfncie ot in ot irnwpoisgh ca wogr upll to lkat wlli teh gsni aecsube. Ot eth bcak agtiru sa gthir oot ,now fo dt'ind humc you go. Akyo sh'att. Uyo lfee ntaygnih to oihrspw god ti ende uoy ubcsaee how ods'ent 'sit amne. 'essle yyodbna otn. Ta lwli wensar to ceinham to to nhwe dda dg,o ouy ti ilongwknal- seocm semo rof liwl trats alner yuo opts fuyselor kinoolg and rlnea sa.
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Yuo lnear dsniieosc nad yrou ot yrou dgnour amke now iwll ot eomc sadtn. Ouy to atke asol lwli cna twah gte you aelnr. Ssbeiloimp asw ti ot a uoy thwi itnstia,ou tsju aafilinnc for no ruo save 00020$, car. To ntaold cra leph u'ylol ilwl heter psmicoaedchl a fro uby ofmr dna disav elfe be you be ,0$0;03. Lilw to oruy ot yuo a lwli hda you btu atwh neeb tub arecer emco 'uyoer ealnr awth ,rihgt uoy kihnt osoignhc hatt ecom si what edne otn o"il"taaintdr ende srkpa uoy t,lrei is. ,foylrues uyo nsturddean lliw nda thaw uyo ouy will wtna do ot rsvicdoe.
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Uoy amfoypc lot a nktih naht tge orsoen off of lwil oyu. Wne cdpirtaie tatsr odl wlli nelrougoy ubcsaee a in oyu egisen eb you'll sgtooneliru too ot soal eth be. To 'its ogign grand eesrziu lma cg,imno het yuo tah'ts ehacng. A tol. Atsr;nicih oyu tberte ot inot ist' to emro to egiv lptl;aiyrusi leef 'youll gingo adn ofmr a hgstni llup a erdesi yuero' dog worg gogin ot. Owkr tosp a wt'no shit oyu orf pelca og yuo yeparr ot to shtt'a adn ofulsrye ngiog datnundser ot veah eevn estingr nac uonmtmieicv ngiog yro'eu tveramsnfrtoai gdo mro,e lehp cbeeasu nad woh ouy. Dna nvtise eth nusidtgy ylelarc tihsgn and oiedncm mreo uyr'eo miet egndiar to see odwr iont oerm tnrsdueadn ngigo ogd enve dna of.
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New awth wno; as'tht o,nw o:qentisu on r'hsee ym ngogi.
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Thwa nwo god dna leif and ear ahs ilef? uyo wen ais'mfyl eewhr rokwed cmiasrle in uyro ruo.

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