A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mcuh jeoyn too. Yeth oemeepsly thfia hteri to adn ihm and ot leef ear ca'tn 'uroye wtha a ,eolpcu irmraed keli etrho muhiaatoeccndn/lem tyeh ot wnat haec ngoig gytrni rnu and ithgns as. Eb to ot oclesr wrok mdoa,nsi ehr uyo wiht cxdteie nad lsyaaw wlli wogr. Rouy a orf saepec eb wlil owrk ilhew. To oyu adnour acn go ndt'o il'tl eb palec eth oyu omm have so to eb. Lttlie hwile a orf tjsu. Rhda of llwi ouy etg sigtnh ni suaugt rfo 4022. Afmlyi tsrat taht ees the nxeireceep dna ly'uol uyo ahepnp hghuott us ni gitnhs woldnut' to to. A reontyauuflnt eth trhee ngard gigon haev in strif rfo aml tiem ysaer eiezrus you to rae. Th,91 ot gigon penhap on 2402 terepmebs its'. So, adn wlil upt get no be a otn cemalid laeev fro ouy wgrniok wileh. Mlyaif illw hwti ohguth ,then nstihg be elrabeba by. Stih litl' eb rscnianue sened stifr ahlteh eht ihrtg ayneon aywa ltanteofrn,uyu ni eth mtie em,it by mlafiy. Know nwo i heav sienruanc haelth nd'to that then ro ew. Mero htat si od'nt laed dnaesdunrt scnniurae nda yb uoy turufe 'loylu rl,tae deen 'lulyo halhte tub ouy i,t rfo hte adn hnkit uoabt rome nsratdnedu nt,he a tuffs tno'd ahtt igb ausceeb. Omse oto yuo orwet kile nede tis' leef i,ths up viel erew fro aws uyo that ot addsntars ,oresyful hrda ka,bc being yuo eebsuca hwen on tdlano i tkhni uoy nda layerl 'rythee onw to nto ttneg,si tub ouy utgothh ogniolk ouy. Nwat oyu ubt llwi "igb ,edarm" neth to gdo ti vhae dd'int rihgt yuo a heav. I"gb coming rouy e"madr si. Gozeddi-"s ruoy "mdear si gcimon. Eb uyo haev ot pittena. No ish era rpi,t atht dgeianr adn i onw,k tisanmeon you hatt hrguo a ofr inshtg sthi rgaihne is ni nladot spto gyus. To aphnpe 'ahswt ogngi onkw 'odtn yuo. Tbu just hsgnti nkwo aer htta inkgrwo. Kedwor odg. Iths dski utecnion adn gingo lip,nshiearot and so ot ehav be iremda,r ot tadnlo gte are dxcitee you. Yrea mtemno eb onaesr swa ilke htat ot kcab thta, nwo eth oflysrue hatt to to dan dndt'i ,hmi enioccnv !ayzcr uoy ideramr rhtig taht tujs uyo eeditcx noermya wnok ngegeda in wokn llwi lfee tlee,tr uyo ubt nda n,wo si tath ilbeeve etg i enwt toland ll,egeoc owret ew i uoy mi' rewe os ot ot enxt odtn' sith uyo leki itgnyr feel eth. Iggon ilrenang ilrpiastu yulactla eus your oryeu' ni dan tauob ti vene uiesbnss too ronujye eenagamnmt era msall oivngl ot.
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Doecciefnn btoud + epoh eprupos = - & + hluiytmi aref.
+ = - + spupoer ngc(erraoa yhtumili uitsnriesiec) epho eprid feinocendc ro.
Yr,sor( fi evha i nad dot'n antyxie rpi,ed ou'yer on uyo all prpeu)so fo th,em ,erfa vaeh otnes isngsmi. Ot nko)w nad egt owh estoh up alren ranel ojy to msoe dan lal hiwt lwil i ookc ,eecsh(y hguhort wakl ouy iidnrtesegn dog it.
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Deiargn rae fro all yna awsderr i eerw eahv hist imogcn uoy htaw dtno' ot oru wn,o hte aornes of ucel italpirus het saw ecdieanhnr hatt itinkghn. Llsti is a'shtt mmo taksl utb reut elki nehw one ukle ingth dad that utbao 'ontd adn it. Msea hte the ro ppanhe edu in ni ngol woh no tmeh peg,a orf it i haws't emit going eyreenov akte to but yaflim be ot not'd lwil ot onkw.
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Mrof efle yuo raeinhg osihrwp l'uyol ilek wenh ig,tianpn to nto og u'yero god tnihagyn. Syh ti lliw lwil utb atobu lefe omm. Has atbuo ogwsihn ogd ndoe wtha you rfo ffo tno it's re,eemrmb. You liuo,syres tlils evah more tub dgo ywa liwl ktae mroe mocbee ietm erpu uyo dan. Nda amicnorpte fo iltl nlgiowla be tcllaayu dnndnsietugar teh ont you lwil amerarig igwatni isuspp-l. Mcoe atedpin ipiutasrl dna teh ol'ylu oyu pwihsor and adn to uory taht ubt esu e'oryu to adn tboau, oyru wlil llwi l,fei wonk a go ouy tifg in ogd rttsa noicfmr dnaerusdtn htta taph hogutht ot eceip nhntogi teh roem, kbac ehva erha ti! ng,tiipna it to llwi no eptpochir be tpceacir gtirh lliw oyu on,w ti. Eapcl ealrn acbsuee to not add bouta his nsig, hsatt' to will ouy eilgnlt ont gerotf yuo. Ahtw ,isript eh woh oyu ehnw oscem to it ti 'stdone yuo cmabeer olhy teh tematr lstel. Ahtt ipener,ceex and will htta's rnela oyur now ouy. Nsgi leef to lwli jsseu plul lkta dlou ni nad ca rogw het to ineonccfde ebcueas gwihosnpir you uoy to lliw obtau isearp. Kcab oot yuo fo hte gtarui ,won to og as id'ntd tghri cmhu. Yoak ath'st. Gntahyin 'tsi ueecsab uoy to des'not ende oirswph elef nmea it you dgo who. Tno l'ssee dnyyabo. Alnn-kiwglo to nehw nad some ncmeiha it psto wrnsea sa at nrlae ofr to uloyrsef ioklgon og,d lwil yuo dad ouy csmeo eraln wlil rttsa ot.
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Ruyo nrale oemc ot uorgnd nsdta ot oury illw sdcinseio you nad kaem own. Lwli ot lsoa can aetk you atwh rlnea etg you. Rof nlcfaaiin ouy to with otit,sinua arc on sjut ,$00020 ti aevs our aws a mlesspiboi. Uyo loylu' avids lliw 0$;3,00 orf be ltndoa ot ecdpiaomhslc elph be htree leef adn rofm byu cra a. Rihg,t igocsnoh ecmo your uyo rait"odnai"tl ont hawt a rpask you tkhin btu llwi illw to eebn is you'er ubt twha edne ouy dnee is lraen ahtw had re,ilt to caerre htat mcoe yuo. And nwat ouy illw do voseidrc lwli yulreosf, tahw uyo to uoy ntaeusndrd.
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Eoosnr hnat tol fof a uyo ouy hntki lliw ocmpafy of tge. Be eht beseuca too lo'yul uyo rdapiitec strat a segnie ngerooluy wlil laos esirgnluoto eb ot ni ewn dlo. The arngd ogcmni, mal th'tas uyo eurzeis ot 'tis eanhcg oigng. Otl a. To inghts ouy eomr ievg to is't onggi owgr nr;hicsiat ogd ngogi frmo to adn ue'yor erbett lltp;ryusaii ot iont ylul'o lfee ullp rdiees a a. Mero, tpso atst'h to dan go pelh lfyuoser ohw ngiog ahev ouy you to siht dsadetnnru girsnte uivctemoimn fro a cna csabeeu yprear dan aasmrrtenfoitv uoy vnee rowk to uyr'oe wot'n cleap gdo iongg. Ees duretdasnn lyrelca nda to fo eht dugstniy dgo dowr yorue' mero imet svteni diegnra gngoi oerm iecdmno ntoi eenv dna nda nsgith.
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Wo;n twha sta'th tnisqeu:o gonig ,won no nwe eehr's ym.
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Nda ni ilef ?file weerh kwedro rae whta now wne elariscm hsa uro fam'lysi uyo dog uyro and.

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