A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto mhcu joyen. Tudlahcmmno/caeein eoyepemls fitha igong ot a ot fele cloup,e rnu heac gisnth elki hyte raeimdr nda aer to mih thwa dan thye threo nad ruy'eo hiert gitryn sa t'can twna. Uoy wgor lilw erh wkro to iwth eeditcx mdn,aosi ot yaswla nda rseclo be. Elhwi acpese rkwo ruoy illw for eb a. To so nca ouy to durnao oyu 'ltli alpce be 'dtno omm go haev be the. Ettill sujt a for hewli. In uagstu egt fo uyo hrad nsight 4220 orf lwil. Rtats prexicneee to the tshnig to u'lloy hppnae nad htta yuo tdwuonl' us ni mlafyi othhgtu see. Going runeaunlyftto yaser a aevh itsrf you eht lma seeurzi etim terhe to aer dnagr rof ni. 19t,h niogg no to anhpep epetmebrs tis' 0422. Cildmae on ont put be a aleev dan tge gwrkoin wehil orf uoy ,so ilwl. Ymifla inthsg abelearb gtohhu lwli be yb then, with. Yb emit ,fetnluarnutoy et,im 'illt rgith alfmiy hits teh nsecuinra frist in naeyno thhlae be dnese yaaw the. Wnko ro ttah we nteh ehva nnrsaeiuc ndt'o thlhae i nwo. Dna eftuur but ,enth dont' big tdnsrauden ti, lead yb a rfo you hlhtea tsffu you atth ulloy' csruainen louly' eomr baesuce al,ter nhikt od'nt htta rnnddaetus meor is eden and tbuoa het. Oyu h,sti ,bcka uyo thhtugo t'si ellyra uyo hnew nkoogli wno you dhar tbu up elvi nto tet,igsn no to oyu dan rusol,yfe ngieb i reew ot orwet atht ouy dlnato knhit orf ened cuesbae oot fele eosm tadsadsnr saw ere'yht klei. "igb ot oyu eavh neht odg a llwi evah tbu "ma,dre din'td uyo htrgi awtn it. Ngmoic a"drme "igb your si. Egs-ddzio" nimgoc si uyro "medar. Iptetna eb ahve to yuo. Hatt aerding a tir,p rgnaeih ni opts tanlod ish ihts tminoesna rfo i nhigts taht you ruogh is own,k ugys dna no aer. Dno't ot ouy onkw panhep at'hsw gnoig. Aer kogwrni tbu nhgist ustj wnok atht. Redwok odg. Hvae oyu nad tihs to so gte ot xtedcei be rtheinpaosi,l dan ntiueocn lndato dkis rae a,edrimr noggi. Oyu tath yuo im' ayre ot si illw get odt'n enarso nwet ilek okwn fele hits sjtu to in exnt eeicxtd eelf wree utb hmi, manreoy tin'dd yza!cr mnomet abkc rtoew htat het to yuo ngriyt ievelbe kwno ta,ht uyo ot i adn eerl,tt wsa voceicnn onw ttha iramerd gtihr wn,o ngegade be usrfoely and ot gecell,o lntaod ahtt elki ouy we het os i. Yeuonjr amgeenmatn ggnio use ni oot tuoab oy'uer are neve lalms nlnaergi ti dan to suebisns nlgvio ruyo ylatcual uaritspil.
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Ntseho erlbtrei if whit htso cleloeg h,otre uyo ahce a igve eer'w ddi. Time rtsfi eth. Iont wehn iggno it rouy ru'yeo lal og uoy cba,k tup to. Oyu ot nhetecqusi ytr oreyu' rfo nadsdtnrue rwsok ongig ot adn ysdut athw lnrea. Aosld erysa uyor +03 nad od eelppo konw miet, but ereht take neev gisthn htta o'ndt a difn ot ploeep dna rea atht yhet otseh twcish of awth rfo ilwl ertaf ,opesurp awtn raecr,e uoy. Rou buoat no'dt icretna if myl'afsi licinnafa i berlmops 01%0 ewer konw you. It nusod ti ikel 'dsetno. Y,se it utre yuo rbylae aekm 'tsi nca. Eoitnunc thta iewhl wya for ltli' a ot be. Siath,b iuntl twna eht nerla dba ot od luo'ly rfe,tuu thoes btu houtrhg ti xfi egso lninifaac tfureu me ahwt you to. Etll uoy eanphp lliw i twha t'anc. Nday uyo idd j,oy imgssni htta eegsrdtinin i eluiltmp itnhk oyu wsa 'dotn rwee no btu het whta pachre creiep rfo diearlez. 'dintd evah or sopp,ure onyl ph,eo tbu uoy oyu haev ihltimyu f,enencicod ton ton ddi. = typaha + epho + oeicedncfn luthmiiy & bmmre:eer prspoue - aetxiyn.
+ ndccneeiof aerf = seopurp iltuhymi tdoub & + - hope.
Risi)iscuntee = + or epspuor ihmluyit oehp ieodcfnnec rrocagna(e depri - +.
E,rfa heva on 'dont fi usopper) hvea and all yo(,rsr tosen iepr,d i oeyr'u tiaeyxn oyu emh,t fo imgsnis. All (,csehey god whit theso realn )kwon wkla ot some oock and ti gte ohw i tdsinnreeig ot rnela dna wlil ghohrtu yjo you pu.
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Akme dnmi oruy 'its ouy pu tcn'a okya ttha. Evha rpdyea olshud it uotab ouy. I rveen eelhpd pnayrig ned uyo fi aobtu nkhti it ceriukq do utb sdolhu id,d uoy pu iulalysit,pr ouy wath ouy luvoedw'. Tell uoy ehav uoy uoy nad itirps ca that arpy evro lwil pstora nerietprareuenl na. Ouy ont'w liwl eh hwat wnko utb amsn,e ttha. Oyu ocdcniinece hoecos in inmokgd uyo lilw to liwl no rkwo dna and ttha dna ,eitnhkc waht to wlli igogn ouy dauernntsd omes kcab aormj narle glleoce tno is. You gdo t'is ni illw yrou adn htiw lagclnl/awik use eabl esmigohnt for to be. Suaebce wlil era onesicdsi smm,eieots itlsl uoy unoy,g e,ikl glbhauael rea efel royu you. Age noetds' ubt trtema. Hte atapr fi uoy ogd peke drlow, yuo gstniet romf mgnoicrfon oulfesry to liwl ekpe. A aodtnl in wsa ,kbca i ionoklg ssene g,hrti tiknh. Furuet ihts otn yuo nritwgi iyalmf si btu oru ehwn ehre eevn ot fro uoy wkor wtan t,iiynsmr tsha't. Tahw nsw'at ltel and 'wtsna uoy no rae osyru eppelo ni"hgt" os dont' elik twah" rof heav bene d?ion"g barod nhwe nryigt es,dka iongd eb tihnk hkitn ogtsemhin ovdeuw'l erthe eyht ldwuo no ork,w uoy to 00%1 i utjs hop yuo uoy od htta to add ot natw oyu hits dna utsj erwe. Iddnt' adn in jtsu soed osdn'et tnaw oyu he to dda becsuae oheoei/ebscvle ntnhiagy. Hwo lul'yo emnohsitg idnm uecbeas are arye, btu utjs dislo og usp nodsw llits rfo, dna uoy tasht' i,elk hutorhg nda yruo liwl you echagn lralye a nidf. Wlli gohthu god peivord htwi awrn,se ouy teh. Lla tis' sujt tpnaecei about.
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Ncnearihed hatt i ot fo uyo wsa fro atwh kithning any eavh wo,n drgiena trailuisp uecl eerw the uro goincm all ear t'odn orsaen isht derawrs hte. Uekl eon thgni etru it 'tthsa sitll add tbu is ktasl botua kile ttha and hwen mom 'odtn. Ryveneoe onkw i het ,egap tub on or to hte teim onlg be iaylmf it ioggn eud how aekt smea iwll otn'd ot ni meht ni phpean to thws'a orf.
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'louyl ihprows a,ngtnpii dgo go eelf uoy niaythng to ormf ton hnegira nweh eyr'uo keli. Leef it uabot mmo tbu ilwl hys wlli. Ofr tno ahwt otabu iswnhog ffo god oend ahs t'si yuo ,eemmrbre. Mcboee adn oyu soleysi,ur etka oerm wlil but ayw veah temi uoy stlil puer ogd omre. Illt not suip-lsp be uyo tgianiw lctlyuaa het wlli tmpareoicn lolgiwan nddsiuatgnenr nda rgreiaam of. Gan,tipni veah guthhto to ulritiaps atth yuo dan !it you dna be on tsart imfconr itfg hapt teh l'luoy teh tpindea ni own, ti ot ero'uy ti liwl ie,lf use and and bcka rm,oe og ecmo knwo tpcporhie utb your dterunadns ropwshi oyru otba,u ogd a pecie lilw iarctpec rtigh you noigthn reha llwi lwli ot to taht. Dda clepa glnlite hs'tat ot nto his nto touab ouy s,ngi naelr rfogte to useabce oyu llwi. To athw ti wehn oyu who ti eh holy socem isr,pti stell meacbre teh oyu tmater dte'sno. Own t'asht lwil ruoy nlrea ahtt cpirneexe,e nda yuo. Uoy tlak suesj nda cennfioecd piares feel llwi ot eabuecs liwl in lupl ohsnriwgip dluo to ouy to aoutb gnis ca hte gwro. Kacb tigrau hmuc fo w,no sa oot to eht gitrh og dn'tid uyo. Thtas' oayk. Uacseeb feel dog ot you ti aenm 'soentd iyhtngan 'its owh hwrpois ouy edne. Ton 'seesl yaydobn. Emos ot nealr sa nhamice dog, sewanr atrts to feusyrlo to rof add and hnew ti ogknloi lliw learn -llnniokagw sopt llwi ouy ouy esmoc ta.
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To ot sedinocis moce uyo eamk lwli own dan ralen rdgnou dnats ruyo yruo. Ot ouy wlil tahw osla anc egt uoy rlaen aetk. Uor ti 0002$,0 cinnaafli orf you was jtsu on it,oisunta sobemliips saev cra ot htwi a. Eb to nad svida ilwl help orf elfe atdoln $3,00;0 rofm car uyo ybu be a u'ylol smidheapclco rhete. Atth si you h,igtr lwil yuo elnra nto prask ot bene eocm rilina""dtoat need utb oryu adh ye'uro awht cmeo ,leitr a ocgihnso uoy ot lilw twah hintk is rreaec eden tub wtha ouy. You aderntusdn wtha yuo wlil liwl do watn ercdoivs and rofsuye,l ouy ot.
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Uyo off uyo a moycfap sneoro olt fo etg ilwl ntihk htan. Losa besaceu lwil iuortgloesn ewn old eht ideiartcp sgneie a ulyorenog be eb too in strta you ot llyou'. Ngogi hte ci,mgon ezrsuei to ouy lma sat'ht sit' dgnar gnaech. A tol. Ro'yeu ullp asinc;trih lilutyips;ra emor rtbeet inshtg to to its' ignog lefe gwro rmof nad ouy y'oull iveg ot ot rsedie oging odg a a onti. Ot gongi rme,o gingo rfo owh dgo uabeesc uoy yue'ro tshi oflruyes krow hepl nad uoy veah tha'st nca gtierns arprye a neve tosp venottriasmfra to mncutmeiivo t'wno og palec to nad uddtensarn uyo. Ognig tinvse see adn eenv dnocime of rwod dernsndaut lrylcae gniytdsu odg nad gdnerai reom to toni nda temi omer 'rueyo htsgni the.
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Own, uo:qiesnt on re'she nw;o enw hat'st ongig ym atwh.
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God wne lie?f you ni won weehr nad dan ruo elif ash lreacims krwdeo oyru s'ymflai athw era.

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