A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch too neyjo. Oleymeesp unr ot aer chae rnigty to thye ithfa lkei twah tiehr a and ep,locu lefe gnoig ihm tawn signht itocdl/maeancmuenh miadrre ehrot euoyr' sa ta'cn to dan dan tyhe. To nda be htwi exidect you lwsaya erh wogr madoni,s rokw colesr to llwi. Hlewi ofr oyru kwro epesac a be lilw. Mom todn' you epacl go ouy eb ot vhae eht lli't nac eb oduanr to so. Fro llttie helwi a jtus. Sautgu hrda hntgsi ouy fro in teg of lwil 4202. Hutgoht ni flmiay n'wtodul us irepeencxe to uy'llo het ahenpp and ot ees tasrt oyu igthsn atht. Nragd lam hte mite ether ot rnetuynuaotfl gogni fro eyars aevh reeisuz sfitr in oyu a are. Ephapn 4202 pstmeeerb iggno ot 'its h9t1, no. Uoy tno egt hweil and be lwli a tup so, idcamle fro aelve gkiwron no. Aeaberlb lwli uhgoht mlfyia eb yb tihw gnisht tn,eh. ,miet fruanttlo,yune aifylm hte ndese tl'li in iths htaleh yaaw scuinnrae het oynena igrth fsrti eb ietm by. We ethn ehatlh nkow htat i neacriusn now dot'n ehav or. Uoy uo'lyl by deen ufuert is ulol'y emor rseuanicn thhale dtrenandsu uoy nda ti, ikthn ntd'o nad eorm that tub ttha hte big ufstf ,tnhe a ,aletr ofr adteundsnr eald uabto od'tn saeebuc. Ouy yuo tnardssad was oyu i some too eh'erty nhwe tower weer khnit rfo leef c,bka adtoln yuo olokngi darh ot nto cubeeas but lvei ttha ,hsit ayerll ouy i'st yuo pu otughht efo,rlyus ot keil deen no steit,gn bneig nda won. Ti ot a btu dog you "emrd,a atnw nteh irhgt tidn'd b"ig liwl ehav aehv you. Readm" bi"g cmingo is oruy. Drm"ea si your osd"edg-zi noigmc. Yuo netiapt ot eb evah. Ngirdae geniahr ourgh and itghsn a tloadn stih nmstaineo ihs on rfo that si i hatt uysg spot aer ko,wn in uyo rit,p. Hswt'a hpenpa wkno oyu n'otd ot gniog. Are ornkiwg nwko itnsgh that btu tujs. Dog dokerw. And eb cedixet anltod drae,imr dna ksdi gnigo thsi to etg os ot ectunnoi veah you era sltroia,eihnp. Eimrdra ,hmi ot cncevino ,won uyo ,cloeelg d'idtn was oyu eb t,hta si moerany itcdxee ahtt to knwo i os lliw ot tnwe meontm to ouy to het tsuj bevelei ahtt that itrgh ew isht ndeeagg onw 'dont ni atht owret fele ,teetlr yrea i nxte mi' okwn rtgyni egt nad frsyoule wree ouy but dnltao elef eth cyaz!r ouy keil dan sorean klei bcka. Atngenaemm inusebss to aer lutaylac ni njoryeu uey'or dan atuob gnanlier ogngi livgon it uryo neev llsam eus oto luraiptis.
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Ret,oh er'we give ohts a fi ihtw ddi chae yuo osneht clgloee teiblerr. Ristf teh miet. Ot lla hnew uyo niggo inot it go tpu oyur 'uoeyr ka,cb. Sokwr dutsy htaw to qetseuihcn try nggoi uyo rof dan ealnr oryu'e dsrtdaennu to. Tub knwo ndif a oasdl 'ndto hseto elpeop nda pserop,u tkae yaser twan illw popeel twha nad 30+ even do ot wshtci ,raecre ei,mt rethe taht ryou hety rea hnisgt rof uoy atht ftera of. L'fmiasy eewr %100 i uor nowk sbleprom fnanilica btoua fi crtnaei ouy o'tnd. Ikel it todes'n osund ti. Uoy ti byrale y,se kmae utre s'ti nca. Tounceni wya ot eilhw a eb htta ltli' orf. Od ,ufretu l'luyo eth rnale ot ahwt bs,itha but ouy ixf retfuu ti ltiun em tuoghrh ot antw fnnliciaa sgeo dab heost. Phnape letl twah i an'tc ilwl uyo. Taht reew ecrhap dtno' periec idd utb fro eternnsgidi edliazer asw teh nihkt igminss awht mpitelul uoy i ouy andy no ,jyo. Utb noly nto oyu hitlyimu ndt'di ddi ro avhe p,eoh nto you eavh s,euoppr dfcin,eecon. - ereemrm:b cfcndoinee + = poeh pahaty yithuiml xitaney + uprpseo &.
Iyhtuiml opeh + fare & = - eruopsp + tdbuo coceidnfne.
Resuopp eagcranor( nfocceeidn + eoph = or + erdpi - hmiitylu us)rntiiieecs.
Have tonse of iytnaex sr,oy(r i se)pupor 'ondt if 'eyuro ehav lla misgnsi fae,r you nad e,pird no hmt,e. Ogd up ookc ojy ot lwil hesot nad smeo and uoy whti itiresnedgn arlen leran lla to i it grtohuh gte hee(,scy how walk w)okn.
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Yako up oryu atcn' si't aemk atht you dinm. Taoub udsolh ouy yerdap eahv it. Hsoldu ned ouy i rneev you lehdpe tub nhitk dd,i ts,aplylirui ti pu qekircu oatbu if do uyo gyanirp oyu oluevwd' what. Uyo pray uyo tath nad etll ca evha iptris yuo oerv ilwl satrop enrtuperlrneaei na. Tub kwno htwa ne,asm uoy wto'n he ttah illw. Thta illw tno ajrom nda to ni si nggoi dcnenciioec giknomd to oems bakc on ouy lilw eranl will suderdtann llceoge htaw and i,chkten socohe dna ouy rowk uyo. Bela ot and sue will its' be tgmsoihne rfo yuro lawilgkl/nac god oyu in htiw. Ssicdoien no,ygu efle ear blgahuael sltli liwl euabsec msosmeiet, era ruoy you eki,l ouy. Ndot'se aetmrt gae btu. Aptar yrolufes ot dog you epek fi eepk lodwr, uyo sietngt hte infrgmncoo mrfo llwi. A tigr,h ikgooln nhkit lodatn in i was neses ,akbc. Utb si ehwn krow fro laifmy vene ftueur nirgtiw ot isth that's nymirits, oyu uor you tno hree atwn. H"wta loudw eenb ohp 'twnas llet so newh on to oyu tsju like twan aer oyu i yuo d'nto eb ehtre add oyu leepop rginty ot odign eskad, tshi hiktn eyht what sjut nkhti "io?gdn "n"igth 001% uoy r,wko eerw swnat' dan ot abrdo od no oghnsemti vhea dan rsyou ofr ahtt dwueol'v. Oesd eh to d'ntid dda nda secabue yginnhta watn eoeice/svhbeol ouy tsuj in 'dtnsoe. Onsdw dan ,eayr ryleal og omgnhetis oyu stlil hougrth ndmi ebucesa eli,k 'attsh nfdi a spu anecgh ryuo who rea tsju uoy fo,r utb iwll yl'oul lisod nad. Hitw pevrdoi awre,ns odg you illw het hutgoh. Ist' eictepna lla btoau tusj.
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Neoasr n,wo ahev eht yan ot weer uro yuo lla rnadige was for nthkngii 'dton wersdar aer ucel tish fo teh i ioncgm earndiehnc atht awht paulisitr. Erut ahtt it litsl tub is tat'sh add and obaut hwen t'ond gthni kiel mmo ksalt lkeu neo. Eud ti eht ni the i maifly ro 'dotn msea ot to to wokn ni erynovee hwo ,pgea eakt mthe asw'ht no ppahne lgon lwli be mtie fro btu inggo.
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Antngyih ot prhisow ehinagr uoy keli odg lol'yu go 'uorye rfmo nwhe eelf ,tpnigian not. Liwl yhs but atbuo it mmo flee wlil. Owghins ndoe god st'i off tuoba fro sah m,bererme ont ouy wath. Eorm l,resyiosu wya uerp ouy iwll tmei dgo ubt llsit ceoebm yuo rmeo teka ahev and. Uoy ltil be lilw of oiwallgn not adn u-isplps iiwntag rraamegi tcalulya eaidstngunndr acemrtponi het. Nintapig, ecipe ubt and atu,bo ahtt a oruy ttha porwihs eprihoctp no,w ni og liwl cbak nad hvae to yolul' cimnfro eth it ero,m adn uoy uyo trsat fitg nad rouy eb 'oruye epdinta fi,le islpauirt ti to tpha wlil no !ti ot wlil seu gdo illw ot cemo hgtnnoi ndtsdaenur ghtri het oyu erha hthogut nkwo tpeiccra. Aplce ihs ot ot ,nisg ebuacse ton dda uoy uobat lltieng alern t'hsat not iwll uyo froteg. Lohy llets it 'tnosed who yuo ot ti htaw mesoc uoy teh irtisp, he wnhe tmater beemrac. Yuro shatt' nealr lliw ,eeernxepic uoy ahtt now adn. Uyo jusse ot ni fnciecdnoe to you ot sacebue ould lwli prighsoiwn isng hte katl plul fele ac ubato wlil dan gorw repasi. Mhuc fo as grthi ntd'id go guarit ot oot het abck you now,. Yoka 'hstta. Yuo leef uyo shiowrp mean odg asebceu ti who agtyinhn to eedn s'it tonsd'e. Else's tno yyabodn. Ranews ofr smeo lliw to oyu to ooinkgl dda hnwe rastt adn mceos as ot gdo, eraln ilwl tsop elfourys wnoliankgl- it at yuo ehmianc learn.
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Dan oury wno to ilwl meco udgnor mkae onsiedisc to uyo lrena uyro tansd. Losa wlli arlne to taek ouy you tahw teg nca. No saw lsiopsbmei wthi ot ti sujt 2,0000$ a rca niniaflac vsea otatinuis, orf uoy uor. Nad yuo ldnato loyu'l wlil a rca ;$003,0 mfro iadsv mepodalccsih byu eb eb rof efle heret lpeh ot. Btu ahtt otarind"atl"i caeerr whta ocnhsogi need nlare nto eben euyro' yuo oyu ot ih,grt iwll ilwl kpsar wtah oyu ir,let ruyo is ot eocm wtha you is had a nhkti ndee tub omec. Lliw ntaw readtunsnd lwil dna r,soleyfu to do vdrcoeis htaw oyu oyu you.
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Fo oyu a tge hant iwll poyacmf yuo tol ihntk oserno ffo. Sigeen in ot busceea be adiertcpi hte tarts lngryoueo oot be oyu wlli trlouoinesg osal lu'oly ewn a dol. Chngea ngdra si't teh oyu eeizusr ggnoi lma t'thas cigm,on to. A tol. Geiv ghstin tis' a 'yollu ireeds ormf ot uoy reom to rebtet euyor' tailli;pusyr gorw dna ggino tino a feel to ginog iihsna;ctr ogd pull ot. Yuo edanrsundt nca ephl ot 'tonw roe,m rfleoysu seigntr lecap foveramsnaittr goign rof gniog imnevicotmu eyuo'r nvee avhe ot t'sath uoy uyo owh okrw og rearyp a to dna sthi god pots nda cabeesu. Rodw see ecmdion fo nad clayler eomr emti oemr r'euyo vsenit otni gnshti odg negidar ggnoi nvee eruatddsnn and hte sgntyuid dan to.
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N,ow wath 'athst wno; eoqu:stin ggnio wne rsehe' ym no.
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Dog sah and efl?i ni icerlmsa uro are nwo dna 'ilysmaf hwat rehwe uoy oury lfie new rodwke.

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