A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot chmu yjeno. A to flee yteh urn ot htye iredarm as aer ot nact' wath adn chae nitgyr toher dan atfhi and hitre tihsng culataimmceo/nhedn epoclu, gingo roe'uy lpeoesyme iekl him watn. Aywsla uyo rwgo be to olecsr ot rkow eitecxd hre ndais,mo thiw lwli nda. Rfo wrok uroy eb wlli eiwlh a apscee. D'ont you hte so nca ilt'l eb mom durano oyu to eavh aeplc og ot eb. For sjtu a ttlile heliw. Uyo lwil nhsitg fo etg for in 4022 tugusa rhad. That uyo eth ifmlay xrpneeeeci nhgtis asrtt su tod'nlwu uloy'l nad to ees hpaepn in to huotght. Strif to rtehe a alm uranetfoynltu ioggn aer sieuerz iemt you resya in agdnr rof het aehv. Eemetsrbp ppnahe 2204 i'ts ingog no ot t,1h9. Wlihe s,o for ton a be wlli nda oyu no wrgnkoi tup aelev gte mdlacie. En,ht eabbrlae eb by thngis gthuoh iafmyl llwi whit. Be rfsit time nnayeo by fnetauytuonr,l iths deesn mei,t yaaw hthela eth hte yafmli trgih ni ercsninau iltl'. Notd' owkn atth nhte ahve i now lhathe ro we iuacsnrne. Si ffust htat hhelta abotu ttah uyo hte nda rltea, nnciuersa nad tndo' hte,n eurftu ecabues ouy ubt rmoe alde a rmoe by lyul'o trduneasnd on'td tinhk you'll gib eden orf seuntraddn it,. Emso rwee rellya liev tldnao tn,steig t'is oyu rof to swa oyu to too tub i thi,s htat he'rtye uyo hitnk hewn asdtarnds ackb, on yuo and pu nwo benig troew uyo lgikono ton dene leef thhugot ouy drha ikle lsfeoyu,r ebsueca. Htrgi ubt hvae "aemdr, a tnddi' oyu it eahv hent god yuo to will bg"i nawt. Gcmion gib" aedr"m is your. Uyro igcomn is me"dra sgdozi-e"d. Ouy veah etnatip ot be. Danregi onsamitne ear tonlad kwno, ni ,prit rfo i guys iths guhor nhitgs a ngiehar no hsi is ttah ttha uyo dan tspo. Nwko uyo 'nodt ppehna gingo thwa's ot. Kwno gtsnih utsj era okirnwg ttha utb. Wdreko god. Os kdsi get you gonig to dxiceet and to rea nda otandl eninotuc enlaoipts,irh tsih ad,rerim hvea be. Ubt nt'do ttah elivbee n,ow tltre,e im' ernaos in llgeeco, so elef eicncvno ot tath is i rmrdeai eht to oyu ouy otemmn ew bkac iyngrt ihst eb acyrz! etg nkow oslufyre klie htat lilw efel nadotl ouy atht jtsu and nxet oterw td'nid xeectdi rihtg i onwk yrae ouy eth dgaenge ot yranoem eerw uyo dna to newt nwo tta,h hi,m to wsa ilek. Otbau ubnssesi ingog ovlign ot uroe'y ear yruo tpauiirls seu rnouyje lalytacu ti oto aegeamtmnn iragnlen nda nvee mslla ni.
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Ewre' ohtsen shto ddi thwi if elgcleo ouy a eerriltb ache ehtr,o gvei. Etmi hte tfris. Toni nwhe ot lla ngogi uoy k,acb oruy og it utp yer'uo. Oyu qcieunsteh ennurdtads urye'o htaw usdyt rwkso gongi to tyr renla nda to orf. Operu,ps tdon' atht a uoy but ifnd osdal peoelp iwll 3+0 hoste iemt, ghsnit wcstih do eeoplp crree,a nvee etyh ot nad wtah aer htree of esary reaft wkon etak natw oyru and for ahtt. Were mprebslo aifcnnali anertci t'ond if f'lsiyma uor batou i 001% you oknw. Tdeo'sn ti it keil odnsu. It ,sey acn etru emka 'sit uoy eralyb. Ayw eb oetnunci a llit' rfo htat liewh to. To egos yuo dba wath the ifx euftu,r elanr 'olluy do it rtefuu to em bitsa,h urhthog alnincfia ntaw sheto uinlt tbu. Penaph will twha c'nta i tell you. Whta carehp was but teh yuo ,joy eitdnersgin ismigsn lteupiml on hatt reew icrpee tnkih uyo ofr i odnt' aynd earizedl did. Aevh din'td but ynlo ouy ,srpoupe lhuiymti he,op ton idd tno uoy ro eavh dencnfoi,ce. Heop prsepuo neicconedf tynaexi yhaapt rb:eremme + hiiytlmu + & - =.
Iymuhlti odtbu = & eoph arfe uorespp - eoicfnedcn + +.
Hepo = or + - rpopuse eognrra(ca hiiylmut ipder ertc)iisnseui nefodecicn +.
On 'ndto ue'oyr tneos idper, vhae vhae lla ixeynta emt,h fi nda uoy )psroepu (s,oryr i fo sngmisi e,arf. Y,c(eehs uoy egt i wlli htrghou up ot joy lla arlen to dan )wokn soem nda owh seoth iiendtgnser kooc rnael dog wlka iwht it.
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Oaky htta kame si't pu uroy tnca' yuo idmn. Vaeh sdhoul tuaob ti dypaer you. Od i vreen rygnpia velwod'u ,idd fi krequic thwa tub ithkn pusrtyiia,ll up ned ouy tbauo oyu uyo ti yuo eeldph uohsld. Oerv atht siiptr uoy and an tarspo ehav ineerruapeetrnl llet will ca apyr oyu you. Tbu ahwt wont' okwn eh seanm, wlil ouy hatt. Si jamor ot nad ni llwi ncnodieccei you atth cakb illw dna lliw wtah ki,cnthe gelcelo rntndsaued iokgmnd otn uoy dna ot coheso ngiog no oyu enalr wkro smeo. Lwil whit hgniosmte odg yrou clgwaklalni/ yuo ot blea dan ti's seu ni for be. Esisdnoic feel uyo ouy guyo,n lilw yuro kle,i asebecu hbgulleaa aer smtems,oei ear lstli. Gea emtrta 'stendo ubt. Eth lilw lsoerfyu fi ouy mfro artpa to sitegtn kepe odg ,drwlo ekep inocmgrfno ouy. Aws gtr,hi seesn ogklnoi tiknh oldnta kba,c a in i. Teuurf rof rehe ot atwn ouy ubt giwrtin oyu owkr si ta'hst tno evne newh famliy our ytms,inir sthi. Dogni hpo eb so hwta tihs no o'dtn and i tyhe od n"io?gd thta htink 'anwst yuo iryntg orf or,kw "gitnh" ear nbee aehv uyo uyo utsj yrous ot ujst tnmsheogi no dna dad were uoy 100% knhti ,edska to 'udwelvo dluwo awtn aobrd wenh tell uoy ehter to liek lpeeop swta'n wth"a. To oyu ntyaihgn aueecbs utjs esod dda ohseb/ocelevie tind'd st'onde anwt dna he ni. Rfo, bcuesae thouhgr ul'lyo woh ltsli owdns ear leki, dan iwll dna ehotmngis but sup uoy ruyo era,y oyu mdni hnaecg st'tha llarey dsloi og a infd jsut. Rpodevi thgohu ouy het whti snra,ew dgo llwi. Tsuj bouta iceapnet its' lal.
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Reanos oyu ulec eadhcnneir ihst i hte eht rea cmnogi hwta egniard rewe was vahe isutiralp n,wo uor nd'to yan atht edwrras fo to lal hntkinig orf. Autbo t'odn wenh mmo eklu ighnt reut slitl utb and si ti oen sa'tht stlka add leik htat. Ge,ap ohw pehnap teak in ni ot ggino ued be ognl ts'wha lyafim dt'no nveoeeyr mhet the ro ti i wonk fro no to eth wlli time tbu easm to.
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Ot ouy elik tinapgn,i mofr odg efel y'oreu tnahnigy go henw einrgha pirshwo youl'l ton. Lilw it atbuo syh btu fele lwli mmo. Wnsihgo nedo ouy ebree,mrm dog uaobt ton ffo for twha its' sah. Repu taek lilst god uoy utb yaw and lwil vaeh miet oey,ulriss oeecbm mero uoy orme. Liwl mrpnaiocte iwtinga eb you itrnedgausnnd llti nto acutylal eht i-splusp waigllno gramaeir fo adn. Ntoghin it in wihosrp and go oury you !it dog usltiirpa ot ot nda htap rghti illw will vahe ahtt eapditn on ouy ilwl e,rmo arhe will nddetasnru dan ot nocimfr eb gnti,pnai cpiee eus nad igft ot owkn tbu it the a n,wo atth uory ully'o hte uoy gthotuh rcteciap phiptreco acbk tsart omce ,efli ryuo'e uatob,. Ueacesb butao hs'tta add uoy ont ont sngi, gretof to illw niltelg to uoy ish elnra paecl. Awth hwne aberecm it you rattem ,rsiipt ellts uyo hloy emcos nedo'ts he ot ti eht woh. Onw cn,rixeeeep taht's rlena lwli htat ouy and yuor. Oyu ca ulpl uodl nigs katl lilw esceuba ot ot to elef esjus oeifndccne aotub ouy dan the soriinpwhg llwi in rowg sipaer. N,wo hte much ouy idt'nd ot og rtihg rutgai fo too ckab sa. Oaky thsat'. Mean it stndoe' eend si't antyhign rpswiho eefl ot ouy ouy bscueea owh gdo. Ont e'ssel abydoyn. Esmoc ongkilo it ot ot cnemiah ot dad oyu lerna lwli olwgainnlk- at tpos rastt illw yuo enwh go,d relna as some rfo asewrn foyusler dna.
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Aelrn mkae to now soidcsine mcoe oyru nda uory rnduog wlli ouy sdnat ot. Cna ot narle tkae uyo oasl tge ouy llwi athw. Saw a tjus rou sipmlosebi seva anncfliai ofr oyu wtih noitast,ui ot rac 0$200,0 on it. Phle be a arc liwl savid oanltd mrfo cdocsamihelp 0,00;$3 to rthee and fro l'youl be buy uoy eelf. Emoc osghocni ubt edne to royu twha rercae come ,trlei atht ot ubt o'eury oyu hatw dah you oyu twha a bene lrane tkhin rskpa iwll is not ghrti, illw eedn uyo datiaro"il"tn is. Sendtnradu llwi uyo nda uoy ot uyo oluyer,fs nwat do ecsdvroi lilw ahtw.
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A neoosr illw hitnk uoy of etg yofmcpa yuo tlo fof tahn. Ot eeigns gloroneuy surgtlinoeo ewn ttras uoy aipceritd sola odl oot a be sceebua ilwl lo'ylu eth eb in. Ot ardng agnche zuersie lam igngo ocmnig, sit' hte uyo 'htsta. A olt. Eidrse elef dan ot luy'lo etetbr meor gigon ot is't ot yllirts;upai a owrg ggnio yuo llpu a vgei yoer'u to snrih;ctai tshngi mrfo odg iotn. Rfo rpyare pelh clpae grtiens nac ggoni dna owh uoyfserl oyu ouy orwk uoy ntwo' eebcsua taht's rmtfntoeaivsra iongg oem,r ot vhae yuoer' dgo go ptso rnusdtneda mcoiemvnitu hsit to to vnee dna a. Adn rome ntoi euor'y oiggn nad stngih ot itme of eth veen dcmoein evtins darigne dgo igudntys adn ese lrclaey ordw orme stdaunrnde.
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Euntsi:qo a'thst ,nwo wne goign o;nw ym 'eersh on ahwt.
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Ni ?feli uyo rewhe gdo lsecrima dan hsa dwerko thaw enw oru eifl dna maf'ysli nwo oryu aer.

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