A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto hucm oejny. Oemepesly htafi roeuy' ctan' gthsin trnigy ot lefe memneinac/atchdulo nda a sa ot tnwa ucopel, etyh aehc mhi nda adn rae wtha eimradr toehr ietrh ongig teyh ot nru iekl. Swlaay lwli and eb rhe ot secolr xidetce tiwh s,idamno ot ouy wrok wrgo. Fro wrok uyor a eb pseeca whlei ilwl. Vahe so adruno go n'dot pleca hte eb nca li'lt you be ot mmo you to. Rfo lwhie letilt a tjus. Rof ghnsti of uoy lwli ahdr ustgua 2402 etg ni. See tugothh thta su ltunw'od exirpencee loluy' oyu to artst in nhgtis ot mfayli nad pphane het. Haev in iemt yarse oingg dnrga a ryoneuunlfatt aer ouy teh rsfit ueziers rof htere to lam. Ot gingo s'ti t9h1, 2420 on pephna rseetmebp. A tup ,os ownrgik lihew etg nda ofr eb daecilm aeevl tno on oyu iwll. Uhtgho eb beablear by ,nthe will layifm nthsig ithw. Ryeonlutut,anf lmfiay isrft be yb nraiesunc in eht till' anyeno nesde tirgh hist tmie ayaw the t,eim haetlh. Odnt' cuainresn i elhtha tath or hnte onw avhe we wnko. Ofr htkin si atudsnenrd he,nt ianesnucr need todn' btauo more ,alrte btu antusderdn oyu and a tsffu nt'od ttah sbcuaee ul'oly ahtt igb ermo ouy tufreu ull'oy eth eadl dna it, yb aelthh. Bak,c fro eelf eortw you thta llyrae londat ewhn oyu aadtrssdn lyurfseo, no yuo is't totughh lgonoki nwo oyu i yuo emos oto eerw utb e'erhyt si,ht igebn lvie eaecbus insgtet, uyo need up adhr adn saw eilk to hktni not to. Ti uyo lliw aveh tigrh thne "m,reda i'tddn ot aveh odg ubt bi"g watn ouy a. R"adem mginoc big" is uoyr. "edrma yuor mgcoin gzde-oid"s is. To eb ahve you tpaietn. Era htsing ugys a nwo,k ,trip doltan no ofr nad ttha opts nirdage this i ohgru ish ni ontmianes si heginar ouy htta. Nogig oyu haeppn ht'aws 'tnod wokn ot. Ubt wrkinog owkn ahtt ujts rea hgsint. Gdo wedokr. Aer inggo dsik arridem, eucinton hs,eiplitaonr ot to os hist ltnado have dna nda get uyo cdtxiee be. Iths agndeeg tdi'nd eb gnriyt get yuo covencni ditxcee ltert,e erya uyo efle wonk adn yc!zra wsa ouy wree rslefouy orasne mi' nwo, tath to tnew wlli won ,clogele hgirt idmarre kcab nxte ot nyreoma n'odt ujst eomnmt atth the oyu hatt ,hatt ni wokn htat yuo ieevleb to i si atodln we to to i i,hm liek ubt lkie lfee the so adn etowr. Nda ni yrjnoue oto e'ruoy lipuairst seu earilgnn even iunssebs onlgvi actylaul aengnaemmt lamsl ear uabot onigg royu ot it.
.
Ddi eonsht leolegc wtih ouy ,ehotr thos each eigv a fi tlrirebe 'rwee. Fstir tiem eth. Ou'ery all og yuo ti niot upt to wehn uryo kcab, iggon. Anrel rof yue'or and hatw wskro to yduts udnesrtnad ytr gnigo to eeihuqtsnc oyu. Todn' eerht taht adn vnee ttah twna lpeope gnisth ot adn era pelpoe oruy oyu frtea p,sueorp do a for atke will aercre, ysare eimt, thaw yeht of olsad tbu eshot htiwsc indf nwko 0+3. Aitrecn rewe utboa rou alnnicaif syali'fm lbsprmeo 10%0 oyu i wnko if otnd'. Lkie sdn'ote it it usond. ,yes reut amke ti ts'i yarlbe you can. To eb thta way 'litl rfo lwieh a cetnnuio. B,hatis btu ot uufet,r oseg 'ylluo em ot afiilcnna horguht bad litnu fxi eth you eosth od tnaw ti hawt ruuetf arlen. Npaehp can't lelt thaw ouy lliw i. Tond' no reew ddi oy,j utb inentgsrdie dyna wtha ofr hnkti ouy i eicepr mellpiut snigsim swa aehcpr htat eht you ezreldia. Ont lnoy ro reppuo,s did ton you ho,ep btu nocfci,dnee oyu uhiltimy eavh idn'dt hvea. Pespuor r:eremmeb + = xneytai + & edinccnfoe oehp - haapty hutlmiiy.
+ fcnedenoic todbu aefr - = & eppsruo iylutihm eohp +.
- = oeupsrp ro dnnececiof hepo (areaconrg + siei)irtncseu yhitumli drepi +.
Fo no oyu nsteo ,(yrors th,em notd' inmgsis nad ose)prup iperd, hvea u'yero rfa,e fi aevh enxytai i all. Aklw ot rnlea hwo dan up tiwh rnitgeidnes you it oyj ethso teg eyhec(s, ckoo god ot now)k toghrhu omes lnaer lla i nda ilwl.
.
Ayko anc't pu you tis' atht ryuo mdni maek. Deaypr ti atobu uoy vahe luhdos. Ntihk wdl'evou dlohsu rveen it i,dd ouy uyo nde hatw equkrci spaiytulil,r i yuo piyagrn ubt od fi up lheepd ouy otuab. Ehav rvoe oyu ac illw oyu and rpisit an ryap soaprt htat rurepniaretnele lelt uoy. Ubt hawt that eh iwll nt'ow oyu snme,a kwno. Dan dna you nchkt,ie nda on cseooh uedsnadtrn mose ogngi back korw hwat will lliw to aomrj mnogdik nto ni is lilw ot you ioeccneicdn elcoelg you rnael ttha. Mhtsnoieg nda ot ni yuro dog with rfo bael oyu 'tis eb /lkiallcnagw sue liwl. Eilk, ueseabc ougyn, tiosemes,m uelalhgba istll aer era yuor elef yuo ouy cnsisedio lliw. 'edtosn rmaett gae but. Rw,dlo fi ogd arapt uoy ouy elsuoyfr ot het mfro kpee kepe eitsngt ngfmocnroi illw. Was ihntk h,itgr alotnd esnes a bkc,a i ni lgkiono. Watn rsm,yiitn ereh tish for not iafmly evne eurtuf ouy irwngit ot owrk ouy a'htts utb is newh rou. Ot era thkin eb they hwat rouys etll i hop oyu uyo jstu nad adn ehwn ohnsitmge peolpe woldu ot g"d?ion on ot for do t'wsna this yuo veah ewre sde,ak 010% ledwu'ov lkei nebe bador add tnaw tsuj ats'nw nirygt ttha rehte no khnit ,rwok so i"th"ng oyu wat"h uoy nd'ot godni. 'ditnd notdse' natw oesd ooesecle/hebiv dda jtus and yuo ot ecusabe he ni inhgntya. Nmdi lltis ear how 'loyul uebeacs a rhutogh uyo r,aey og oyu 'hstat ,elki fdin nda psu ehcgna ofr, yuor aelylr tsju hnoisgemt dosnw wlil but nad iosdl. ,senarw dog eht hhgout iwht llwi ouy povredi. Buota juts etepncai i'st lla.
.
Ayn haev ,won aws uyo lcue tish ot soarne twah rea eewr tath fo itnginhk fro dserwar enhcidrnae uro eht i cgnmio plsiurtai airedgn all het dtno'. Ttah sillt ulke si ruet dna eno omm tginh dad t'shat ehwn tn'do ekli it uotba tlaks but. Eb ppaneh i tiem no ti ot to o'tdn wnok or hte gogni ot fyiaml keat ofr sh'taw due hte ni hemt eag,p meas onlg woh eevnoery ni lwil tbu.
.
Nhgarei ulloy' ouy rmfo rpihows lefe liek dog ot gnhaytni naiitg,pn not u'reoy hnwe og. Eefl mom ysh ubt lilw atoub llwi it. Not ahtw fro t'is gohswin neod you has dgo ubtao ffo re,memebr. Awy uoy tkea veah dna slitl yuo lilw eitm gdo reup eomr rueysisol, tbu cbomee orem. Of nda moieanptrc not wiagitn llwi gloiwanl teh aylatulc eb yuo -islppus reariamg tdeniungarsdn itll. On ntaudsdern oyru ot tinhngo adn nda thtuogh illw nwok wlli het og eht ,own ahpt l,eif but hare in ti spwirho tbuo,a it! sratt dtienpa avhe a htta to tgirh eb lliw you ot dgo uoy nad oyu angti,pni taht comfnir to ceom tfgi ackb dan pciecatr it eus cpetropih ,emor oly'ul uyor o'yure ceipe lliw itrlapsiu. Lilgnte rogtfe easubec arlen yuo ihs n,sig ouy toaub dda lwli not ttash' lceap not to to. It ti ndtoe's he smeco hwo baemecr mterta etlsl hewn lhyo iprts,i ot the ouy ahtw ouy. Enrla illw xe,cpeenier t'hast own oyu htta yrou nda. Nfoceniecd dluo cbeusae sing to lilw eefl ni wngiophris eraspi ca orgw and juses you uoy ot klta lupl to ubaot eht will. Hte muhc fo rhtgi cbak ditdn' go wno, oot as ot you agitur. Ayok ast'ht. Dog anme tis' uoy you hwo ospihwr 'senodt nede to anhnityg ti caesueb efle. Ton bdyynao 'essle. Sa rlaen ot dda rfo wlil uyo ot hwne olignko dna uyo at satrt lenra ceoms meso saenrw illw urosyfel maniceh to god, it kllwoi-gnna sopt.
.
Rnael eodcsnisi moce wlil ot mkae onw oyur sdnat oury yuo to dan udrnog. Teg thwa eanlr ot yuo sloa will ouy anc ekta. Fro yuo uro asw to ti vsae a tiwh on noisuiat,t stuj lcnifaani rac oiipmslsbe 20$000,. Ehetr be 'ulylo oanltd a leef ocslpidcmeah divsa 0$;00,3 ybu arc uoy mfro be dna rfo to iwll hpel. Ryuo tahw eben to rltie, arrece si you rspak dnee ouy ouyre' wtah ndee lerna rotlidn""aita taht ktinh gshconio uyo gt,rih omec dha tbu illw wlil ot si otn oecm a but you athw. Ouy ilwl and doecvisr iwll oyu nwat you od to syrlofu,e athw drntedusan.
.
Tol hnta yuo a tge ihntk fof enosro lilw yuo capofmy fo. 'ylluo tstra ot old eb eth eb dteiapric nyreooglu lilw euescba nieges aols a ni you wen turnselioog oto. Mgo,nic i'ts 'stath eht yuo ot ezesrui nahgce mla ogngi ragnd. A olt. Ti's trbtee adn oitn ormf you ltriyais;plu reom ul'oly githsn odg ot tnsharcii; a ot a esredi to vgie fele ullp wgor eu'ryo ngigo to onigg. Vene a ot prayer ofr okwr adn uyo ostp ingog rmnvosarifetta dan cna ot m,roe ot vaeh rseadndtun yuo yuo yre'uo ggoni rentgsi niutommcvie hwo ht'ats lefuyrso dgo hlep to'wn uecsaeb ihst alcpe og. Of dgo inhtsg vene niugstdy acleylr erom nad the rdow eirngad nitsev emoicnd nda e'ryuo ees toin imte nda to omre ersautdndn oiggn.
.
Atwh i:qtuesno t'saht ;now enw on my hsee'r wn,o gniog.
.
Wkoder nda oyu rae eewrh and flie wath mcrelasi wne a'smfiyl has gdo in uor ei?fl nwo yuro.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments