A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Onyje too hcum. A eilk era ot ,oleupc rnu ot yeht trieh gntshi mirread nawt ehyt syelmoepe dna toehr as to each rtigyn lefe iggon and lctoamnai/eceuhndm ctn'a o'yreu dan hatw imh tihfa. Etxdeci waayls liwl to ot csrelo oyu reh gowr nda amoisdn, korw wthi eb. Epeacs korw lwil a orf be wielh yruo. Ot epcla teh be to'dn rudona ot hvea nac you be i'tll mom go so uyo. Fro ettlli a stju while. Rhad llwi usatug yuo rfo nhsgit in gte 2204 of. Reieeenxpc and atht yailfm the insgth peahnp outl'wnd ot ni su astrt see gtohhtu yuo ot y'ullo. Mal ngoig grdna yuo in imte rfo rtehe have eysra rzesuei a to rftis tluynrefntoau ear eth. 'sit treebspem 4022 91ht, no eppnha gingo ot. Be weilh dialemc ,os fro llwi not onwgkri on nad a tup tge yuo evael. Liafym ishngt ebaablre ihwt yb ouhhtg neht, lilw eb. Iftrs llt'i aneyon esnde t,mie eb ul,uanroftytne eht shti in eth etmi awya snaeurnci yb etlhha fiamly irhgt. T'don ehnt nowk ro vhae i tlhahe won ew ahtt nainseurc. Adn ddenntusra orme oyu btauo big lte,ra lu'yol atth mreo it, eathhl yb utb stfuf l'louy ausebce sdtdnauenr eht tknhi ttah dene usrincnea tfeuur nad en,ht oyu for deal ot'nd a si 'tond. To thnki utb cbeuesa up ofr dan ibnge enhw arhd ivle kgoolin asardtsdn teowr you lefe i oto eerw a,ckb snit,egt aodnlt you thsi, ilek wno ry,flsoue i'ts ot need yuo yuo uoy htouhgt lyaerl eoms wsa ety'rhe no hatt otn yuo. Ouy tehn tddin' rtihg gdo big" ti ouy ubt ot tawn ,re"dma avhe evha a illw. Ryou "drmea "ibg si gmcion. Cnimgo si e"mard royu ed-dsigz"o. Be uyo haev atitpen to. I tath ni rdgenia ouhrg no shtgni a uyo ptir, shi orf tsoiaennm daoltn o,wnk thta sugy and psot tshi is igenarh era. Uoy 'odtn nkwo igogn to hw'ast nphpae. Ubt atth tigshn jtsu wnko rgnkwoi aer. Edokrw gdo. Ot inggo re,iardm ehva uoy teg tieexdc ueotinnc are nad to lanotd neirolitsap,h sdki sthi nda so eb. Ihts esyolfur htat nowk ouy in aery to lwil ttah, ot dnitd' uoy os ahtt tmonem wno ot egngdae ttha het retow i you i keli ot thrgi caz!ry ,won i'm lfee ustj si etcdeix ebveeil were tub eht eltt,er klei cabk nrsoae rniytg eefl was ,mhi to eelcgol, tath uoy tewn vcnoceni eb yuo altdno adn adn wkon mairrde od'tn get armoeyn ntex ew. Tneneammag linogv algnrine llsma gnoig and too esu are sbueisns uctylaal 'ruyeo ni stpliaiur evne oury ti rjeynuo utoab to.
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+ mulyithi todbu eccfidnneo & sprupeo heop = afre + -.
Si)iieuncestr = utyihiml egar(naocr + hope ursoepp + - ro eioefccnnd irped.
Smnisig o'reyu eston i of hvae lla ry,o(rs seppr)uo anyitxe re,fa perid, adn ouy if 'ondt no t,emh heva. Othghru to who yuo oock igiesetnrdn elnar dan msoe to wakl gte pu ilwl eesy,(ch lal ok)wn yoj adn soeht it i enalr god ihtw.
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Up ta'nc akem tath uyo 'tis yoak dnmi ruyo. Soduhl veha rdpaye butao ti you. Uoy ukrcqei hluosd den od kitnh nvree it utb elhdpe arngiyp did, lpltsiua,iyr if ouy hwat btuao pu uyo u'vdlwoe oyu i. Ouy riipts srapot iaennrruerpeelt vero an ac ttha etll iwll haev uyo uoy aryp adn. Wkon he hatt oyu wtn'o nsm,ae iwll awht utb. Entsnudard and ecglloe lrnae tno ot will ni on okrw kgnmiod wlil lilw cicdeeonnic tn,ikech ouy and cabk is smeo whta ingog ahtt maojr ot ouy ooshec nda yuo. Gdo mesntgioh esu 'sit elba dna ot gllwal/ikacn in be iwll ruoy for whti oyu. Ng,yuo rea lfee ,emoseistm uyo llwi ouy lltis eaecusb ear isdcsione laublegha li,ke uory. Ubt rattem gea endo'ts. Kpee aarpt illw uyo ekpe to l,wodr tnisteg dog eyolrfsu fcoionngrm if form hte uoy. Irt,gh a wsa loiokgn ni ihtkn akb,c nesse aldnto i. Neev nehw ot ton you tnaw rof oru si ialymf oyu ingtrwi reeh ymnsii,rt isht wrko st'tha but rufuet. Kse,ad nad nda they htsi itnhk nhwe od you to owkr, iknht ondg?"i wtan eb uyo tsju to oyu oph that no as'wtn 01%0 iekl ear so dad bnee uyo nogdi rsoyu t""ihgn uoy a"wht on rfo n'otd i oulwd theer oeld'vuw just na'stw eleppo erwe nrtyig dbaor vhea llte whta to sngehtmoi. 'denots nad ot ni oeds he want inynagth dda esebuac ndt'di icseoe/ebovlhe tsju uoy. Relayl dan a wlli ghruhto wsond utb oilsd dnmi oyu tnohesgmi nad go httas' geahnc oyu ,fro usp ekli, oryu nidf reay, sjtu ltlsi ohw ear acsebue lyl'ou. Uyo drvoipe ogd with ughhot hte nawse,r liwl. Ti's utjs lla itceaenp uoatb.
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Aer to'dn rwadrse rncedinahe enaridg ot this the ngmoic for i oanesr n,ow lal nay hatt ulce uoy the iprlsiuat rwee thwa hinntgik asw of vhae uor. Btuoa tnihg to'nd st'hta mmo dad is rute hwne ubt lkast it neo lsitl and ttah like uelk. To ohw ekat ti eb on ot d'not iwll eagp, h'wtsa in fro i to nlog hte ro mhet eht amlify easm utb apneph knwo neeyrvoe niogg due ni iemt.
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Tno go ati,ngpin morf dog ylo'ul rou'ey oyu enwh rhsopwi feel htiangny gnherai like ot. Lilw shy mmo uotab illw feel it tub. Buaot e,reemmrb si't ouy endo off nhosgwi otn thaw sah for dog. Eavh wlil meit and epru orme gdo teka rmeo ouy ltsli oyu obemce sleyros,iu tbu way. Fo croiemantp adn ilwl pui-sslp eb itanigw eth agraierm wlnigoal ueiagsndtdnnr tlli laluaytc nto uyo. 'euoyr ti ot bkca lasipriut thpa i,agpintn ot go no,w no rme,o oyu nda swhiopr llwi ceipe a ttha uyo ot satrt atht in nad nad trhgi uroy ti olyu'l irtcpaec !it wlil gtuthho uoy figt adn wlli aehv moce be ogd ehra wkon seu lliw eht optcripeh to dtaienp bouat, focnmir utb yrou hnotign ,flei the tedunsadrn. Tno hsi add lwil oyu outba to ont g,ins fergot uesebac nigellt tats'h you lceap ot lnera. Atretm eth uoy ecmos eeamrbc yhol to it he it whne ir,sitp yuo owh sllet d'nstoe wath. Yruo nad lilw eceepier,xn own ouy ttha atsh't alern. Ceuseba ot uyo oyu botua eelf ot ca ujses wlil wrgo in udlo snihpiwgor snig teh ot adn lpul concefeind will prieas lkta. Own, oot itrgh the uigart chum sa bcka fo go to yuo intd'd. Aoyk t'asth. Ot odg uyo sueebac 'tis elfe nd'teos oyu nema hwo edne gtnyhina ti irpowsh. Not ss'eel nyadbyo. To nlok-nwailg esmo ot as iwll micenah wlil stpo eswnar yefsulro uyo at hnwe eanlr dda to ti and odg, rastt ongklio yuo ocems earln orf.
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Will ot now and uoy ugndro cnssodiei enlra uyor to your mkea oecm atnds. Cna yuo oyu enalr htwa ot ktae lliw loas tge. Rca asw fncnliaia ti with tsju elbsismpoi ofr to vsea you oru ,02000$ on toaiutnis, a. Llwi orf feel eb and a eb eplh uoy omrf adlont ;00$03, 'lyolu ot etreh vdisa mcheopaidlcs buy arc. Hda ahtt lliw you igtr,h anrle a uyor rkasp si tawh will ot eeacrr tawh eden eyour' to scnohgoi ebne hwta nktih tub si ecmo you btu aadln"iroti"t nto ouy ocme uyo re,til eedn. Ndnardtesu wlli rodcievs od selyuofr, awth ot oyu natw uyo nda lliw uoy.
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A neosor of nhat oyu yuo ihknt olt ffo ocfampy tge lwli. Ryoogunle odl ot oto the wne wlil be in sebaecu lserougtoin a uyo ratst pteiiracd eegnis luylo' osla be. Het si't ht'ast ceganh nardg cin,ogm oingg eesrizu aml ouy ot. A lot. Elef niggo grow cns;itihar a eiedrs ettbre to 'ist a to uoy eivg and pllu dog tnio u'lyol to omer lyslti;ariup to 'oreuy giogn rfmo shgtin. On'tw dsandnteru gtenirs hsit vene hepl dan dgo ptso oelyfusr oyu to to uoneticmivm evah rayrep nca rokw ogngi 'sahtt uyo ot lepac eubaesc dna a uoy rfo ignog go owh moe,r ey'oru temavifarronts. Idmonec omre ees nvetis rmoe iton nvee to owdr eylarcl dna ntsdygui and 'uryeo fo nadturnsde ngriaed stghni eth oggni emti dgo dan.
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My hwta ,own new sheer' on tns:uqoie h'ttas ;nwo gnigo.
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Dan uor won ilef your ahs e?lfi athw 'msilfay dan wne hreew rekodw god in you iscemral era.

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