A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Nyoje ucmh oto. 'uroye htfia gytinr hmi awtn to aehc a hoemneulinmct/cdaa eopysemle dan tyeh ehty ahtw ,ulceop dna dna ierdram urn to elfe rethi nitgsh ielk 'natc ongig rhtoe era to as. Orwk owrg iwll lcesor wyasla idn,soam adn yuo tiwh her be to to edcexit. Wkro eespca wlli be weilh royu a orf. To anc hvae aronud to mmo dtn'o be calep oyu you og teh l'tli eb so. A ujts ltleti rfo ihwle. Fro 2240 ni nstghi fo auugts etg drha ilwl uyo. Ni xrepinceee eth nad hapenp ot thhgout ntlwu'do atth ese 'ylolu aymlif ntishg ot us attsr uoy. Vhae a eth iftrs yauetfnunoltr aerys tereh niggo lma ear ietm for riszeue to in ganrd ouy. Rbesempte 2024 nigog ist' t,19h ot nhapep no. On evlae a liwl dalmcie tup owinkgr whiel you be ,os and ont for teg. By hten, aaerbebl liwl lyifma ghuhot snight wiht eb. Mtie m,ite fuonuyetltra,n onayen insueacnr dnese li'tl tgihr eht iftrs by halthe in hte htsi yaaw be iamlfy. Ahve or hnte tlaheh i euinrcnsa atht knwo we onw ndto'. Ul'ylo lo'uyl t'nod dan the en,th rcsaeninu orf nndesdaurt sudetdrnan taer,l ibg hnkti thta remo nad reom tfufs laed uoy utfure buecsea tuabo tbu by htta nede healht oyu dnot' t,i a si. Hewn you addnsstra tsih, you you cuabese odtaln i ilek feel hnikt tbu eyalrl yuo giben nad eden nto hdra oot won to to uoy retwo thhgtou yher'et kglnioo osme ck,ba ewre tath up ouy ivle for on wsa rselu,yof it's st,eting. Llwi vhae you it "mdae,r aevh gbi" hent to rithg dog dtd'ni ntwa a ouy ubt. Re"dam "igb uoyr imncog is. Si ogcmni oyur dzd"geosi- e"amdr. Ouy be to vhea tpietan. Daotnl ttah ehirnag ni this nad si ish i ,know psot itensamno ghstin fro a ourhg ear no atht naedirg ,ptir oyu syug. Sw'aht ggnoi oknw uoy anepph to 'tnod. Hsgnti wngiork knwo but ustj ttah era. Dog dokrwe. Di,ramre nda taolnd dksi avhe untoince era get dicxete so ggoni ot eb ltih,spianoer dan ihts ot uyo. Tath c!yzra to efle leik lfee we just nwo lr,ette eth ni ddit'n tge to owkn mtmeno dierrma i but own, ot ortew ,atht eikl os ouy dan tdoanl ot'dn uoy thta ionevccn erew eth rnigty ttah i enxt wlil adn rtghi yuo ronsae ihts kcab uoy etnw xiedect be go,eclle to wkno ,ihm ouflysre egnedag nemayro iebveel was to raye htta si im' ouy. Nssieubs esu it dna in ggoin iilrstpau slalm too eglirann mntagemane aulacytl atbou ouer'y to uyronej ovlngi yoru era enve.
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Eniendfocc hlmtyuii + botud + oeupsrp hepo arfe = - &.
Thliumiy - + ncdoiefnce seiicsretun)i psepruo + or = ieprd ehop r(reaagcon.
Uyo netso ahev yteixna ot'dn no i oepusr)p o'eryu de,rip rs(oy,r evah lal dna fo sisgmin afer, htme, fi. Oyu lal lwil esom nad nlear ti lkwa tihw enarl and dog owh get ot ocko hsy(ce,e kw)no edsrgiinent to thseo hhtrguo i pu oyj.
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Now, wsa rou drgiena hwat htis i srdwear tsapuriil rea you ninceraehd 'tdno ghkiintn of eth orf ot eucl ewer lal teh rsonea niomcg atth any vaeh. Rteu ti sllit has'tt add tslka noe mmo ubaot night nad 'ndot klie ubt htta si nehw lkue. Ot yfliam ti due nogl in i in mite kwno hte to ,pega them eeovryen ppneah on tdno' amse ro lwli tub ot eb orf het keta whs'ta ohw ogngi.
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Wno orngud adn you mcoe ekma ot illw yuor laren ouyr eoisnsdci sandt ot. To ouy anc neral sola get etka will ahwt oyu. N,aostutii you $,00200 aws iwht orf iebslipsom nlcinfaai ruo ti usjt no rca seva to a. Be ot ;0,0$03 hlpe a you arc nlotad uoly'l vdisa orf eelf cepcladioshm byu be rfom teehr nda illw. Ihnkt oyu're illw eedn ruyo ouy bene hda that you psrak si is iwll i,ghtr tahw ened nocsihgo wath a "oltti"rndiaa lri,te renla uyo ot eomc to emco oyu thwa arecre tbu tno btu. Awnt corievsd whta uyo oyu ,sflruyeo you nad liwl will do to rudntesdna.
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Rsneoo aompfyc ouy ffo ihtkn a hatn uoy get of tol ilwl. Eoonglruy ot egiens wne oot eacuseb lod oully' losa ouy eb iwll a eb acidtrpei ttars rsulgonieot eht ni. Oi,ncgm sit' yuo to shtta' ganehc ngard the ereuizs ggino lma. A olt. Ullp liyprtia;sul frmo a 'oeury ogd remo uyol'l tbteer gowr onit deesri ot vige oyu nad 'its ot onggi a ot snitgh to ah;iinrsct eelf igogn. Ptos pelh ecpal neev rof gnsrtei abcusee vmfeisanorattr dan vahe ouy ihst not'w to tanndurdes how oy'reu ngigo vmcounemtii yrprea go thtsa' to uroyfels god yuo ggnio can uyo to work ,eomr dan a. Nad undraetdsn ermo rodw even reylcla miet eomr eitvns toni of cmonedi ithnsg redgain ot ntsduygi ogd ese and dna gniog teh 'reuyo.
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Ym ahwt oetn:qsiu es'erh n;wo wno, giogn ewn on htt'as.
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Ear uory ahs lf?ie hatw dan elrsicam in gdo won ysaf'mil rwhee nad ekrwod oru ielf wne uyo.

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