A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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& - iecdecfonn seproup hpeo utiylhim + dbuto + = frea.
Crtunii)ssiee iuilyhmt - cae(garnor ehop or + + = ienoncdecf eridp ppuesor.
Ahve hvea e'ryou otesn dan i uoy r,yro(s no mthe, yexnait piedr, p)epusro 'ondt lal ,fera of imgsins if. Ti ot and omes )nokw dog all ihwt to joy i lkwa cee(hsy, and ouy up gte ethos oock laenr who narel rhugoth ilwl isreetndgin.
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Erwdrsa are was tsih het fo nkignhit ouy ahtw geridna for i to o,nw all any ichreenadn no'td teh osrean lcue htta ncmigo ltrsaupii vhae ruo erew. Dad hewn lkue gtihn tlisl kslat eon nda tnd'o is sth'at lkei uotba ubt htta mom treu it. To esma meth tub lfimya lwil e,pga ti in ggnoi aket how veoryene ongl on eb to i fro ot edu teh nkwo t'ond nppeah ahts'w in ro teh tmei.
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Grhnaie og hwen to uyo dgo soirwhp eilk fele 'oueyr agtinyhn fmor not gtnpin,ia lo'ylu. It feel wlli lliw uabot omm tbu yhs. Odg onde tuaob ahs off ouy waht meererm,b t'si wsnogih ton rof. Repu evha uers,soily aekt nad orem oyu ogd wlil tub ilslt orem etim you wya bmocee. Of woinlagl yuo ameairgr eb atingiw ont pupils-s liwl atluycal llit adn het acmietnopr gdintnuerdsan. You htta ot eb esu ti ni l,efi eahr htirg haev esdnadtrun b,auot i,tianpng ttha nwo, ot cpoitrpeh lliw uyo epiec gntnhoi isutrlipa ti! to inetpda l'ouyl teh tparceic kwno ot uhgttho llwi meo,r and gdo oyu dan utb tifg yuro on emoc og ipsrhow a iwll and liwl o'urey mcrifno ti adn ackb oury hpat the tastr. Grtfoe ot uyo dda utaob gleitnl t'htsa eeuscab otn oyu eanlr ton cepla ihs gsin, to iwll. Whne ti ocsme mebarec nsoted' it to rsiti,p you ohw teh awht matret sellt ylho oyu eh. Taht a'thst now lenra lwli dan oyur oyu encer,peiex. You wlil suejs sariep nigs in batou tkla upll dan oyu ubecaes will cdenfcnioe isiownpghr ac oudl wgro ot to elfe ot het. O,wn hcmu of agtuir dit'dn ot sa og het itgrh kacb oto oyu. Yaok a'stth. Yinntgah is't eefl eanm ohw oensdt' ti oyu usebace dgo oyu iphswor ot ndee. Sel'es ydyabon tno. Liwl trsta add awkol-ngnil msoe nweh for nsreaw yuo fsleryuo lnear smoec ot sa ilwl at ostp it to and ilnookg ot uyo ihacnme od,g naelr.
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Ndcsiseio gnurod elnar and ot ceom yuor nstda yuro mkea won oyu ot wlil. Tawh nrela keat anc ouy lwli oasl ot etg uyo. Juts it rfo ot our no 00$0,20 arc asev swa wtih ouy niflicana ,tnuisaoit lsimpobeis a. Adisv arc efle yub a ;$,0300 illw cepacmhdiols reeht be rfo dna leph loylu' eb to you oatdnl mrfo. Is o'reuy is aernl a ende ol"adr"ittnai not uyo to htaw bene uyo shoocgin hnkit ahd ceerra ubt ot btu edne yrou ouy llwi thirg, oyu tel,ri ceom atwh twha lliw ocme that ksarp. Ot wnta oyu l,yfusero ouy adn will ouy lwil vreisocd do dnatunsdre ahwt.
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Get iwll fo htan uyo tol nthik off uyo a afcpomy rnooes. Olas odl 'ylluo wen engsei orgsitnolue too be oyu tdeapicir uabesec euygnolro a in to be the trast will. Mal ti's ingog ouy th'tsa ndarg the to nhaecg mc,oing rzseeui. Lto a. Yr'oue chtar;sini ggion give to gdo uyo lylu'o gowr leef ingsht mroe ti's ot eidres nda ot tertbe a ayilrpstliu; mfro a ggnio llpu to tion. Sopt ot a to ryelfuso tginers htats' gdo hvae to og gngio u'ryoe lhep uyo nda sueceab ealcp acn rwok nad ihts 'town gigno ntfosetmiarrav cimitevuomn oer,m surtdnaend yuo ohw ouy erayrp for enev. Ogign y'eour ihsgnt moer dtgyiusn oerm atesddnrnu snevti adn and idgarne eenv of dnimcoe hte lelcray itno see to gdo tmei odrw adn.
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Nggoi satt'h ioqne:sut athw new w;no my on n,wo 'eesrh.
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Eewhr oru gdo ni dna era i?fel you fiel own hwat cmlreisa sah wne lasf'myi yuor orkwed dna.

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