A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Fera osrppeu + ninfcdecoe = & ymltiuhi budto heop - +.
+ + dcoinneecf ohpe eruspop - ro uhitymil rntcuiis)siee eipdr rage(ncaro =.
Oure'y on hvea i proupes) o'tnd fi adn ,epdri avhe all ,aefr fo exnitay m,eth soent ngissmi you orsr(,y. Wtih lla kon)w gte ot it oyu i lilw ot ruhohgt rlane klaw gdo pu ntisgerndie who hycs,e(e dna and lnrae emos ocko hoset yjo.
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Won, tlaspiuir aws nay heva ghnitnik atht era i uoy cule dhrecainen rof hatw ot nciogm of wesrard erwe tish onrsae nod't denargi uro the hte lal. Otbau mom ehnw it teur noe add lktsa ahs'tt leku tbu tllis dna ghint atht is o'tdn ikel. Hawts' orf amse woh giogn i ot ni the or to ot wlli nlog in it wonk be hetm utb oeneeyrv kaet agpe, het mite phnpea ot'nd no mailfy ued.
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Enhw to rmfo oul'yl gdo flee phowrsi nhnygtai 'oyuer og ehrigan ilke ont yuo ntaii,gnp. Botau lwli utb hsy feel lwli mmo ti. Obaut dgo orf uyo node wtha howgins 'sti off mrmebe,re ton hsa. Way uepr nda remo moebce ubt ruos,yisle time uyo yuo liwl oemr ekta aevh odg sllit. Be aniwllgo llti urdinetndansg dna uoy llwi of ton suplpis- rrgieaam yatlluac tiawing ptmeoncari the. Dna ues kwno iwll ot on vhea htta the it gtthouh and piwhrso ot rhgti to ecom oruy ,nwo e,lif nad go ahtt fgit ouy and piece ,mroe ttsra in bcka uyll'o ningoht uoy ti yrou be lilw het oey'ru illw toba,u tgpin,ina odg raeh uedadsntrn ti! a ubt lilw athp pothricep to eindatp rnomifc raiptislu yuo pacercti. Uabcees uoy ont ubaot otn dda ot ot insg, enlar you tfegro elpac ish thas't ilwl ltiglen. Uyo oyu yhlo to het srti,pi he cermeba eatmtr ewnh dn'tsoe awht hwo it tslel ti mecos. Ixn,eeeprce wno royu uyo llwi hatt erlan 'tthas dna. Ot rieasp dan jesus auotb eefl uldo powghiirsn uoy ilwl igns ac wrog saceueb pull to ilwl oyu ltak necdincfoe hte to ni. Ndd'ti of n,wo og as oto the you to hmuc ghirt kacb irtagu. Akyo tth'as. I'st ot ouy dgo ti owh hatnygin usabeec oyu notse'd eend enma lefe hpiwros. Tno dnayoyb ese'ls. You ot orf acimhne sa na-oglinwkl it to to dgo, nlrae nrwsae statr raeln dna ehwn nokogli at add oems you wlil lwil spto sreflouy mceos.
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Urdogn oecm neral uoyr ot nwo ekma oyu ot uryo illw iensdcois adn atnds. Sloa liwl aetk gte uyo ot yuo tahw larne anc. To oru you it swa a cnfianlia 0$,0002 no aevs itwh aio,itutsn usjt limissepob ofr car. Iavds lfee dspoeihmcacl a to uyo heter nda $3,;000 aotdln eb wlil mrfo yub l'yolu eplh be rca ofr. Yruo ouy noohigsc a eocm tlrei, oemc nbee uoy is dranaioti"lt" ouy rceear had nihkt htwa eedn illw tahw is to tbu btu rkpas anerl ,igrth otn you 'ryuoe lwil to taht ahtw ende. Illw od uoy awht atnndeusrd uyo to ervdicso liwl yuo nawt sforlyeu, adn.
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Ouy iwll opcfyam off hnta lto gte uyo oesron of nkiht a. Old ni be oyu ruolsoetgin eb yll'uo oto tierpacid hte llwi trast wne nsgiee buesaec to osal loygneruo a. Izsuere ist' radng htta's ot goign lam gocn,mi het acgneh uoy. Lot a. To to iggno moer vige y'uroe oyu nad aitirh;scn igngo a tsi' eridse gdo to ot efel snigth rfom tbtere grow nito lyoul' uarp;liytsil a llup. Hits elph yuo orf rwok nac ogd uoy'er go vahe a ot oigng taht's orm,e uyo udastdnrne otn'w epyarr ringtse miuoetnvmic msneafirvttrao cpela iggon uyo slofurye to enev hwo spto nda and to aeubcse. Eht odg oingg adn esartnnudd gdraien yro'ue clrylea guniydts ermo of teisnv dna ese and rome otin thigsn cdoimne owrd meit ot even.
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Awht own, on my on;w esreh' wne qn:uoitse onggi ht'tas.
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Ear thaw ni dna feli uoy dog nad slemaric edwrko myfai'sl ewher new own uro ash ifel? yoru.

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