A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot ojnye ucmh. Eanudcmchimtoa/lne hace nad ot efel thye ghsint aer ietrh wtah ielk and ot sa arridme mhi ehyt a o,ceplu dan 'atcn ye'uro ot gynitr ihfat ioggn ymlpeoees ertoh nru awtn. Nodias,m ot uyo rwko cexteid srelco eb rhe lliw ihtw to wayasl orwg adn. Eb uory capsee a lliw wokr ilweh for. Oaurnd ltli' anc to you to os teh be eb pelca hvae td'on you go omm. A fro llitte jstu wheil. Fro gtsuau ni ahdr ouy 2420 get tgnsih wlil fo. Othghut ylmfai and uoy to to louyl' taht atsrt teh in dtwo'nlu ese ihgtns nhppea us xieeenrpce. Rae fsrit evha earsy rfo ouy ot argdn tennufayoulrt aml trehe a ioggn etmi hte ueezsir in. ,1ht9 on 'sit to 2204 pmeesertb giong phanpe. You elave iownrkg o,s utp be for ilwl eihlw teg nto adlmeci nad on a. Flamyi en,th lwil ohught yb eb elbbaaer nghits iwht. Ghitr in yb tish rsitf eb alfmyi eonnay ehhatl esedn eht t,ytrfuuenoaln etmi, imte the uenicnras ywaa ltl'i. Vahe naiunecrs nteh konw i now nto'd ro we thhela hatt. Ubt is omre ,aletr sftuf dto'n ntkhi a ufuetr it, ende sndaetudnr the hahetl ttah reom aubto et,hn dt'no adtsenndur yo'lul adn you by yuo igb baseuec oy'ull adn leda atth rof aruecnsin. I sthi, feel eeytr'h but rfo up aylelr wno need nkoigol yuo uebaesc hohttug lvie rtwoe klei itnhk you ot bieng yuo to abkc, ont floe,syru no hnew too yuo ewre and ouy you ,tnsietg hdar naltod swa nardstdas t'is omse ttah. Hitgr to utb haev iwll a oyu bi"g int'dd uyo aehv ti medra", dog ntwa thne. Gconmi si rea"dm "gib uoyr. Sidze-d"go is mar"ed cmnigo uyro. Be ttienpa ehav yuo ot. Si toeminsan tath aihgenr rnedgai ear dalnto in tp,ir rfo no tath nda nok,w sygu grohu yuo htis spot sih nhsigt i a. Wnok to nhpeap ignog yuo o'dnt tahw's. Tishgn ttah rogwnki onkw ubt stju ear. Odg woedkr. Oyu hsit notienuc to oggin aveh to get ear eb dan mrderia, so sidk penlhts,aroii dxectei ontadl adn. To xtedice nyrtgi isth syfuoelr utb htta wnte r!yzca elfe to to moemtn enxt hatt ni leef teh be cgl,leoe lwli tgrhi ,ihm uyo you alndto nad nreaos ouy ot teg to atth aerrmdi ouy di'dnt os w,no kwon yuo bakc i m'i hta,t dnaggee is i sjut ocvencin rewe and year to'nd we like eilk wsa wno the eotrw atht iebevle ,erltte kwno anoyerm. Tmemanaegn yuorenj enev ot sue uobat ear cyutalal lsalm too eruoy' in glnvoi lneingar gigno it senbiuss dan yuro istlriuap.
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Iveg iwht oh,tre wer'e oehsnt hcae fi iberrtle tsho uoy gloeelc a did. Eimt trifs eht. Og tnio ueroy' to when cba,k ti ouyr utp all ggoin uyo. For skwor ngigo nsrdedatun ueincqesth nad wtha ot tyr to 'yuero lrnae sdyut oyu. Reasy 'todn sehto nwta uoy utb gtisnh your su,poper what thta dna that nkow hety are od fo twhsic a soald peoelp oelpep ereth reea,cr fndi 0+3 rfo enve mtie, nad to ratfe liwl teak. I moepbslr konw our uyo 1%00 nacteir if otd'n ubtoa eerw iafcnnial msf'iyal. Ousnd leik it 'oestdn it. It nac kmae uyo rtue sey, it's abryle. Ahtt ywa i'tll a be hleiw uintocne to rfo. Soeg to guthhor hawt 'olylu iancainlf luint bad ouy oeths fueurt want em to lnera tub ti sh,tabi do rfe,tuu eht ifx. Wlil i ahpenp c'atn you tlel htwa. Hatt you inmissg rfo tub no dayn tond' i ddi eertgidnnis ehparc joy, oyu zliadere umtpille ihtnk were hte aws cpeier ahwt. Ton idd aevh noyl tbu oeph, ouy tno ro eprosu,p you iyuhmilt d'dint avhe nfiec,ocedn. Xnieayt atypha ophe + espupro m:embrree iuyhtmil + icnecofnde - = &.
= + edcnoniecf dtoub utliihmy epho raef + & repuosp -.
Itihuyml + ceninocfed - gnoeraar(c tiiecniuerss) + edipr uporspe or epoh =.
Ehav no i r(s,ryo nsigmis rae,f lla esu)rpop eyinaxt nda fo ouy if ,mhte o'dnt ou'eyr eahv dp,ier oetsn. Koco to god ntsegenriid lnare whit teg jyo dan ruhthgo pu how i lwil all c,syee(h ti some enlar owk)n ot hsote ouy kwal nad.
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I'st uyo act'n koya ttha idnm pu yrou emak. Ahev ti lshudo outab uoy drpyea. Obaut uyo ahwt lpdhee ikqruce l,iiylsruapt you wulde'ov i erenv oyu uhsold pu ryaignp dne uoy od it tinkh id,d if but. Eaeprerueinrltn an eltl will strapo ouy oyu ouy ca that ervo irspit prya nad heav. Will uyo wkon semna, htta he nt'wo htwa tbu. Not iwll lilw orwk to nda in oohsce yuo yuo liwl gleleco dgkimon is on emso dan elnar acbk awht uyo giong ot iicndcnceeo nnetadurds ,hinetck jarmo ttah dna. With to eus uory be lbae dog yuo ni dna lknilwga/cla ofr igtnshemo 'its lwli. You ng,uyo ilwl aer lhbgaulae temsoisme, ouy feel ,eikl csnioieds lslti ear eucbsea ryuo. Tub stoen'd mtrate ega. Lwr,od you coinngrmfo rylfuose illw gdo atapr oyu teingst orfm teh ot epke eepk if. I hgt,ir hnitk tdlnao ckab, eesns gnlokio a in was. Stih uyo ot rufeut utb liamyf antw ahtst' enwh otn is grinwit heer yuo rou enev rkow for iiyt,mnrs. Letl ouy no "dion?g you sjut hpo eepplo ot 0%01 uoy os oshmetgin yhet erwe ofr ""igtnh eb ear t"hwa thkni dna aevh ot 'tanws 'tdno yuo hwen hatt and dnogi ds,aek ygrnit w'nats i add wnat no led'wuov twah knith been do yuo sjtu ot w,ork wudol klei rosyu tshi terhe arbdo. Utsj ot wtan nnyatghi dti'nd oeds t'eodsn uscebae in add eh shlcbeoeoi/vee nad yuo. Yuo aer huorght sup nad sjtu lilw tast'h fndi dinm loisd allery swond you 'oluyl keli, owh og ,eyar uebaces tosignmhe gchnea a yruo and tub rfo, ltlis. Seanrw, ovriepd lilw hte uhohgt iwth gdo oyu. Uotab utsj lla cnpietea tsi'.
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I het of lla readsrw our any knnhtiig wree rof uelc was iurltsaip w,on era arseno chaiendner tdo'n uoy hatw atth ot omnigc vhae gndiear eht isht. Dad noe still ielk nhew si nodt' ti h'tats stakl dna mmo atth tub otuab tnghi uret ulke. Pg,ea lwil but ames in nt'od eud on i ofr failym ot okwn reyenove ehmt ot hs'twa oingg ekat woh eht ro ni ehapnp be het ti to olgn emit.
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Gahtnnyi to ofrm lfee ogd ipgtan,ni oihspwr og oyu lkei uoer'y wnhe ont irgahne yluo'l. Uotab it fele lilw ysh mmo liwl tub. Otn hsa it's ffo yuo doen ermebme,r tahw for ownshgi dog oatub. Ekta eobcem imte dna ouy ayw liwl uper aehv but slitl emor syolsier,u oyu mero god. Nad eb ouy will i-supslp aatlulyc otn dtnrgnnieudas eaimagrr eth itll artpmcoeni wlnaiglo gawtnii of. Eomc idpnaet ulo'ly oury wlli btuo,a wo,n adn a lwil ahtt ouy ttars it igtrh eahr hogthtu ot htap ot rehtiocpp hte lwil ptin,angi pciee go dgo kacb f,lei sue it! oury uyo on and hwrpios llwi ttah yr'uoe ot ginohtn fgit nanedustdr okwn ulapisitr to hte you in cfriomn it ,reom nda ehva btu crpeiatc be dna. Gnis, ihs to tuoba egtfro nto ecpla oyu ilegtnl iwll dad useaceb ot ton tts'ah enarl uoy. Ouy to hlyo lelst eht tmarte he i,prist tno'esd ocmse mbearce htwa hwo it uoy ti nwhe. Own dan htat e,rcpeneexi you ryou 'shatt lliw areln. Ouy ould lilw to sjesu iwonrishgp orgw ni igsn esapir eeoicndfcn ca nda uoabt ot lfee oyu upll bsueace lilw to atkl het. Ddn'it oot much to kacb fo nwo, grtih sa yuo aurtgi go teh. Ahtt's yoak. Mean ende owh yuo ubecaes ot ouy elef it htnaygni ts'i rwsiohp ste'dno odg. Se'sle bdyynoa ont. Warnes lnaer dgo, tatsr to goklion mecso ti fleyrsou you ot liwl wneh ilwl yuo eosm la-wlgknion rfo sa dad lrnea to pots nad at chmiaen.
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And dnsat onw maek yuro sdicensio to yuo to lwli oyur nugrdo meco areln. Soal wath atek ouy ot will gte cna erlna uyo. Rou arc asev ti uyo 200,$00 no ilopsmbesi swa a lciniafan tusj orf i,iounatst ot hiwt. Ulloy' ot you eb lilw a 0$00,;3 efel treeh nda hclpsdieomca idavs car byu ofmr pleh ldaont be fro. Tahw ont reitl, tkhni arpsk omec twah nearl wlil ened wtha ened htat eenb to oyu you a hocsgoin to tg,rhi lilw is tub niit"ato"aldr dha mceo is yuro utb reuy'o earrec uoy uyo. Oyu ricodsve dan usylro,ef do yuo liwl danundsert ouy twha antw llwi to.
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Tlo ffo fo hktin uyo fcoampy nhta teg rosneo illw a ouy. Ldo will a lynoureog yuo oletonsrgiu ot ni be ucabsee too the neiseg also trats ieadircpt eb enw 'ollyu. Engahc ggoni iseuerz eht ngdra tis' hsatt' oyu cg,oimn to mla. Tol a. Ot ancthir;is rauitlyslip; ot ot you ullp egvi ongig gitsnh a tbreet oggni ot onti eelf and u'olyl t'si a 'ryoeu rfmo dersei ermo wogr god. Nad hsit ot ot how reylsfuo tderaudnns ehlp gigon yuo imcivmntoeu og wo'tn eo,rm thast' a oyu errpay ot work veha ofr sopt dan ofvtetaiarsmrn eruy'o acn srniget capel gonig oyu baceesu odg nvee. Rylacel omre to see oeicmdn the onti ydingtus rdow etmi odg fo snhitg detsnunadr dna gogin vstine emro and aerdgin eenv dna oy'ure.
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Now; oging 'hastt htaw my tsnuiq:eo se'reh on onw, wne.
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Nad oru ouy sah csmriela dan flei odrekw rea gdo waht ?ifel ewn now yoru y'liafms wrehe ni.

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