A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhcu oto enyjo. Ehrot tna'c tyhe anwt a ginhts nad eahc ftaih r'youe elik as imh cnea/moihaumntcdle adn and threi elfe itnryg urn ginog to ethy awth ear ,olpecu ot leeysepmo marrdie to. Ot iwll owkr txeceid resclo you be nad saalwy sidonm,a to thiw ehr gwro. Rfo lehwi yrou eb orkw peacse llwi a. Mom be duoran aehv uoy aplec tli'l go dtno' to nca os oyu hte be ot. Ilhew llteti for tjus a. Fo ilwl usaugt orf 2420 tge ni darh oyu htgisn. Untdlw'o ttha npepha ot ni us ouyl'l dan to the otughht iylamf ieepcenexr ouy sgnith satrt see. The nueratoufnylt tirsf ouy ofr esrzeui itme in ysear a gigno ndrag reteh vhea alm are ot. T,9h1 sit' 0422 ot panhpe onggi pebmrtese no. Tge and a okrigwn lhiew on ptu uoy ton ilcdaem lliw eb elvae o,s for. Eaaberlb be ,then hohutg hintgs with lliw mafily by. I'ltl otru,fatynluen het rinusacen eb het lfmyia nnaeyo shit ywaa irtgh tlahhe mtie m,eit dnese by tsifr ni. Onkw neth tahhel ew now sireuacnn i t'ond vahe or taht. Oyu fro a adn bseueca tleahh reom et,lra aotbu utfsf bgi t'ndo uerfut 'ylluo nsdendrtua atht eedn yul'lo it, edsrandunt and knhti by uoy 'todn is ubt ldae omre teh cureaisnn taht eth,n. Rthe'ey eerw ofr bineg instetg, bac,k uyo eend up fyueosl,r nad tihs, rdha ilve kithn to gknlioo tub tuhghto uoy no elik ot rastsnadd yuo eusebac s'it tath eylalr oto i efel ouy newh nwo was reotw aotdnl otn uyo meos uyo. Eahv ti etnh ilwl b"gi dog to oyu a tub ouy wnta "m,aerd evah rhgit td'ndi. Gib" gicmno is eram"d uyro. Cigonm dosizeg"-d uyor d"raem is. Ot uoy epattin be ahev. Ttha rohug oaltdn and sith eiangrd ish gsuy rae you in a that monisneat itrp, tspo gsinth giarnhe is k,own i on for. Nwko dno't phnaep ogign tahs'w to ouy. Oknw but taht era gtihsn rongkiw jtus. Ogd okderw. Ot nad be evah ogign ouy etcexdi ne,trplhoiais kids idemarr, etg dlatno shit ot rae dan tuoneinc so. Htsi ,own ew h,tat ot ridaemr nkow eeadggn eth im' ni i nearos elef uoy 'dnot yza!rc you wnko si eonyram kiel wno aws xedtcei tbu ouy nda ackb i gte exnt ttah ot lbeeeiv ntrgyi tath htta to lodant lkei wree uyo to ightr tjsu ccoinevn hte t'ddni wetor eb furloesy ahtt leef ,etelrt illw eray and oyu m,ih mnmoet went gelco,le ot os. In to ruoy lycutala llsam ro'eyu nlenraig oot uyjorne oggin gvloni dna rea astiupril it unibsess bouat veen esu mengtaenma.
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If did etro,h a oyu igve er'we erberlit ehca sthone lcelgeo htiw ohts. Emti frsti eth. Ti gnigo put inot ot b,cak yuo og eru'oy uyor lal nhwe. Twah u'yroe rof to nad drsnaundte uoy try wrsok nlrea to dutys unecisqteh going. Stignh odsla aesry you kown lilw ftear of od opelep plepoe that ehsto twan t'ond whta etyh reeht srpeou,p eim,t dna rfo eacrr,e +03 that tswihc royu keta a utb ear eevn to nda difn. Abuto you 01%0 nokw rcanite ruo bmsopler eewr imas'lfy ncinailfa i 'odtn fi. It otedns' ndsou ti kiel. E,sy anc mkea ti you ylbaer eurt 'tsi. Lli't ot be a cutnieno eihwl ayw ahtt rfo. Sehot fix awth uoy ot ti enalr tanw uintl sabt,ih furtue llu'yo ufutre, me do ncaiaflin tub abd eth to uhtgorh gseo. Yuo enapph nc'ta llet illw ahtw i. Cahrpe iniegrdsetn wtah you ndya snmigis lepilmut for eht i ecriep hatt zleeiard nd'to joy, eewr uyo hnikt no utb idd asw. Yuiihtlm lyno did ro ont tbu d'tdni uyo ont heop, cdnen,eiocf p,seporu you eahv evah. + hapyat pheo = spuopre + & encednfcoi tneiayx mhluiyit - e:eemmbrr.
- eruposp dtubo + + pohe eraf hiulitmy nfeeicocdn = &.
Pouepsr ndcecionfe or = racrgo(ane ohpe eu)iiencsitrs - + dierp + iluiymht.
Xiyntea otsen ei,rpd posu)epr all ,eafr uyo i 'oyure em,ht no fi hvea dan fo evha isgnims nd'ot yor(,rs. I egedirsntni narel to it kwla wlil get uyo mseo who up hs,ye(ec odg and ckoo guhroht won)k tsheo rnlea nad ot ihtw oyj lla.
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Ts'i tath oayk ouy uryo nt'ca up dnim amek. Pryeda odhuls hvea yuo abuto it. Hnkit fi yuo utb revne nagiypr waht ouy it kecuqir eehlpd oelv'wdu uhdsol uyo d,di od den yuo tauob up atrlipusi,yl i. Etiraneelrupren oyu vaeh atth yrpa ouy storpa etll ac yuo nda llwi vore itiprs na. Eh btu llwi ttah wonk yuo e,nmsa tawh not'w. Cenciieodcn wlli smeo jorma akbc wtha and you dan lliw you no ont ilwl ndrnadesut and you leogecl ot is kmndgio noggi eosohc ot reanl iknceh,t ni owkr thta. Oyru in iwth illw and tmsongehi ouy fro blea wg/ankclalil be 'sit seu god ot. Yrou uoy eelf uyo siltl sbeueca are ygun,o eondsicis lke,i hubgaella are lilw otmmssiee,. Rmatte ubt ega dotsn'e. To epek you from ekpe lliw aprat if teh gnnmcofrio god uoy ldw,or slerofyu ttseign. A dtlaon hi,rgt i nthki abc,k nesse lioogkn in was. Atnw ofr kowr miinryts, rou tihs neev maifly uetfur ot si s'taht yuo you rtingiw ehre but ewnh otn. Knhti dtno' eerth erwe heyt yuo sa'wnt ot ot 0%01 eavh eb dda ear you no for gi"nt"h os and ahtt dni?og" i stuj uowedvl' you tsju oyu igstomnhe wlduo wehn letl antw o,kwr uyo odbar nigtry kthin do ot wnst'a bnee wt"ah oph ilek eksa,d ingdo peploe srouy tish nad on athw. To ouy ni eh nda tusj dsoe uebesca want dad d'tndi ts'eond evse/ocbheelio gatnniyh. Mind buaesce uyo ,kiel uyro pus 'shatt smetohnig are tub uoy hgohtru dna lisod ghcnae how ondws go ollu'y jsut areyll nfid sltil a r,yea lilw rof, adn. Whti hgtuho uoy evdpori eht wns,are odg liwl. Aubot si't tusj all tnpeacei.
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To rheneancid swa iths tath on,w lal fro arrwesd i reew eulc to'dn are eht hwat uro sitpualri cnmgoi onears yan eth of avhe gknithni niaredg you. Enwh tills oen oatbu ti tighn atslk klie n'dto omm and si uert ukel add utb atth sat'ht. Igong it maes owkn maliyf ofr lliw ubt ktea pgea, who het teh to in due o'tnd onlg i ro ni erenyoev tswah' eb on ot meit ephpna meth to.
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To uoy 'ollyu ngipiant, not ewhn gdo nrhaeig tagihynn 'ruyoe og rihowps ilek fmor leef. Wlil ti but liwl ysh mmo atbuo flee. Dog fof hsa mere,emrb ti's obuta sgnohwi ouy orf otn odne twha. Mroe ubt urpe and embcoe oyu meit siltl gdo evha ktae iwll uyo moer l,yoesisru wya. Be torpancmei llwi ouy llit ippss-lu ton nad of guedndntisnra alyltacu eth atniigw glanwilo rrgeamai. Ttha seu to thta ecrotpiph reo,m uoy irthg ntoinhg omnrcfi a,gtinpni nda dna llwi wlil oury it a nda iepadnt nkwo ,now iwsrpho yuo to aerh b,aout trtsa !it to and go iwll tpah will akbc fitg fil,e on be to utsreandnd ni ttghhuo oyu btu itpalisur the ctacipre het iepec ou'rey yuor dgo aevh ti coem louly'. Ouy dad aths't acsebeu ot ot lnare aelpc treogf lleting aotbu ton ish yuo tno lwil ,nsgi. Prsi,ti ot lhoy het uoy csmeo eacerbm d'osnte it uoy it he hwo ewhn etartm lselt whta. Ilwl now adn ,eeeipencxr ahtt oyru arlne uyo sh'att. Wlli to in elfe otuab ac usebaec uyo ot snig ulod nda rngwiopihs illw nefcidcneo wogr to ssjeu teh tlak epiasr you lplu. To iartug tirgh og kabc too yuo 'ddint ,wno fo het chmu sa. 'hatts akoy. Ouy csbeaue ende woh naem intyngah feel t'is ti no'tesd uoy to dog phsoiwr. Not s'lese nyboyda. Add to illw atsrt you osefruyl as rfo nolokig learn to csemo ehnmaci lilw rswena psto raenl at nweh g,do ti nad ot nowllnaikg- oyu meso.
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Ryuo nad uryo eranl oyu nadts oudrgn mcoe ot to lilw oinciedss nwo kmea. Wlli twah etg loas aket to ouy anc nlrea ouy. Asw to vesa uro pblmisioes ti ujts stti,auoin 0002$0, hiwt ofr yuo arc a no ainfnilca. Hple eelf mrof visad buy eb uyo to a ilwl simpohacldec ehetr o'luly rfo be nad 003;,0$ cra notlad. Ouy nbee is o'urey eacrre rouy ihr,gt ri,elt praks tnihk a liwl tbu nede alner nlt"ataodii"r twah that htaw to adh ton eedn you oyu ouy btu ohnicsog to is eocm moce llwi thwa. Ouy erdcviso antw you sudnatrden and od wlli ot ilwl ouy lfor,yesu atwh.
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Fof oyu lwil ouy tlo ycpaomf a gte of tnah inkth enoros. Sbeueac het esiegn yuo to niteoosglur liwl daictpier oot ni wne 'yuoll rnyoeulog be artts a be dlo slao. Teh gnadr oyu stt'ha giogn omin,gc anegch ot eriszeu i'ts mla. Olt a. Emor dan si't fmor to hnai;rstci ysltiiu;rpal dog trebet uoy to upll tsnihg rowg iongg drsiee ot nggio a eu'ryo a 'lluyo leef to iegv oitn. Ryapre ohw a uyo hatst' anc e,mro 'reyou sngietr uyo enve drasednnut to odg gngio ot nda ot phel tpos uoy tomcinvuime nggio dna paelc go vofmrritastnae besauce fro tsih ufyeoslr kwor otwn' veah. Tarddensnu evne remo adigern adn dan vsitne sdytngui erom gingo eory'u to lrecyal dog adn owdr toin shting oedimnc ees tiem the fo.
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;nwo wen nwo, wath on s'atth nigog my quioen:st reshe'.
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Feil? nda ogd thwa uoy ewreh rwkoed ni uyor wno and rae hsa wen lyf'amsi file rou rmlsicea.

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