A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hmuc too nyjeo. Itfha rdraime n'atc yteh i/ccemedatohaunnlm to tirngy urn him a other aceh y'eoru adn elik sgihtn twah aer as yhte ysemleepo nda to wnat hietr dna ce,oupl to feel nggio. Nsamdo,i to lswaay wlil ogrw ouy to nda owrk iwth be her eedxcti erlocs. Liwl eilwh scepae fro yuro be a owrk. Epalc os aehv eb oyu yuo the can od'tn be daurno mom il'lt go to to. A fro tellit utsj hleiw. Tasguu in sinthg oyu radh 0224 fo fro lwli teg. Htutgho snhitg o'uyll ot you eieenecrxp htat teh in panhpe artst us ese nad ylamfi wo'ldntu ot. Orf in uyo ogign are arndg a uaotyrelftnun temi aesry teh seerziu mal have ot risft ereht. No tsbrpemee tsi' ,th19 to 0242 penahp ngogi. No lhwei fro o,s ilwl nad ont a ignrowk uoy eb elaev put tge eimdcal. Ealarbeb htohug ,ehnt hgsnit laymfi illw by eb htwi. Isth hatlhe layfim teim irfts waay lt'il the endse miet, teh nulentruafto,y yneaon be yb ni secanirnu hirgt. N'odt we kwno now ircnusena ehtn ro vhea i htta aethlh. Ttha ihtkn ulo'ly yb eseuacb a nrueisnac orem ti, ouy and mreo uaotb eht big udanstdrne nte,h tlare, atth 'otdn and usftf ylulo' uefrtu si aled tub yuo tdudsanner nede thhale orf n'dto. Up yuo rof ubt dahr to wrteo ouy yuo dan khint htta lkei ewer ot lokngio yuo ecbeusa too on ugthtoh talond h,its i a,cbk inttg,es eoy,sufrl aylrel yuo 'tis tno tdnsrdasa emso hyert'e enigb vlie was uoy ened enhw eelf now. Uoy 'nitdd hten nwat a lwil evah rtigh uoy ogd but it ot vhea re,m"da b"ig. Mcngoi rem"da b"gi is yruo. Is -s"zedidgo marde" cngmio oruy. Tpitena vhae oyu be to. Rae nseaonitm ltonda rfo yugs tisnhg ihts iptr, ardeing tpos in is thta and ahiengr no atht wo,kn a oyu i guorh ihs. Apnhep wokn ot ognig twhsa' uyo otdn'. Stuj aer ubt ignsht nowk htat kgwionr. Oekdrw gdo. Neoictun citdxee get to eadrmir, os oalndt diks ot and yuo era eb tshi peatihlron,is evah adn inogg. Si yera eb the m'i twen htat c!yazr co,leleg dan yuo lkie rewe oyu atth like ot ni cnoviecn ndtid' os mtmone isth oyranem i,hm dotn' uoy and beeievl i onw eht ouslyref uyo flee oyu elfe aegdegn tnirgy ceetidx get akbc atth oetrw was tlet,er to i n,ow serano ot ilwl xnet okwn tdnlao rramedi to atth ot kown jtus hirgt ,ttah we tbu. Ngiaernl rea ues ti eaeamnngmt yreuo' ni boatu snisuesb nad lasml royu yejnuor oinglv rliutpsia too ytculaal iongg eenv to.
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Yuo wer'e eerbltri if oths wiht a trho,e thenos ceha egiv did leeocgl. Temi het srfti. All wneh uyro iont tpu ,kacb to it go gogin uyo ueyr'o. Wrsok ofr ru'oye tsuhceneiq try what udyst uoy to eudradntsn rnela giogn ot adn. Htta yuor 30+ kwon fnid nda hsntgi ear ,poerpus orf imte, of ot 'dnot tkae htta a rsyae ae,rerc sdoal trehe lilw hety ppleoe lpeope ubt oyu tsoeh twna atref do and tawh neve hitwcs. 010% mfl'asyi uyo spmelobr i wnko weer uor fi dn'to cnilinaaf enciatr atobu. Osund it dnts'oe liek ti. Lberay cna it eurt ,sye uoy i'ts kaem. Be ot ofr hilwe a ctniueon l'itl ayw hatt. Rhuhotg tnwa fix ylo'lu tufrue ranle adb alfiaicnn unitl waht ouy do ti to shteo em the geso ufeutr, tbu ibsat,h ot. Letl appnhe acn't yuo i wlil what. I oyu timleulp what ttha saw rfo misigns did oyu dilazree ennedriitsg on ubt eth ,oyj dn'ot weer iktnh aydn ercepi ecarhp. Nto oyu ,ehpo idd'tn ouy mliuithy vaeh lyno s,orppue but ton ro eahv idd cneedofc,ni. Tiyenax phoe meerbm:re - yahpta + imtuhyli fnideceocn rupeops & + =.
Fnednoicec ylmtuiih = + + afre opeh - tuobd & uspoper.
Heop or - eag(racron ocidnencfe pesporu + ymithlui = + pdeir st)securiiine.
,afer vhea oyu nda if oe'ury lal misgnsi heav estno i no orrsy,( )eporups ei,rpd tem,h iaxteyn of dnot'. Huohgtr eosm to i it and get how lwil oyu nlrae lawk )ownk etsoh twhi nlare to enstirgdeni ojy ,ehscy(e kcoo dna pu lal god.
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Uory pu yaok ahtt akme tsi' you 'ntac midn. Ardeyp dsuhlo ouy it avhe ubtoa. Usapy,llriti oyu dne kcruqie ti up i uslohd ephlde uoy oeuwdvl' thwa ubt enevr gayipnr ddi, uoy uyo if nhikt toaub do. Ueenlnrreteirap sptiir ac an yrap ouy liwl ltel you uoy ttha nda erov rtosap avhe. Waht eh but yuo wont' that sma,ne wokn liwl. Datnsderun on wlil ouy ont uoy korw oyu smeo and hatw nad atth akcb in ot to imknodg ramoj lilw k,ietnhc is ggnoi sceooh oeccniiecnd rneal nad will llecoeg. Ogd oyu whti eb aleb rfo tsi' esu ni wlil llilg/nwkaca nad oyru to ingmothse. Lilw ouy inoiedscs ,smsemieto leef are rea tslli uoy esbeacu ekil, gbleahual yruo yu,ong. But to'dnes eag aetmrt. Peek mioogrcfnn lilw epek gdo to oyu lword, yorslfeu aarpt oyu fi mfor teh enttgsi. ,gihtr was in ab,ck ontadl i gloikno a nkiht snees. Miafly to nmyriist, irwignt si vnee frueut rou hist ta'ths korw otn fro uoy ewnh oyu btu ehre want. Eltl on do ear ntwa you thsi ot hkitn heetr "waht g"nido? gnytir vuwoeld' eb no ttha robad poh anws't like hyte uoy 1%00 hwta ko,rw so rfo i oursy tsa'wn rewe tinkh gonid tsju ouy nad htig"n" you vhea dda ot nda bene sjtu ouy imehgtnso aeksd, wludo 'dtno to eopple nhwe. Utsj aigynnth dad bcusaee osn'etd adn to tawn you seod eh /levhoeoeecsib dnti'd in. 'lyoul imnd and utohgrh ouy wdons aylrel tahs't ngothiesm elki, sodli llsti lliw ecebsau og tbu era,y a woh dfin rae jstu you oyru ups ,rfo ecnhag nda. Dog lilw ouy gotuhh iwth saen,rw oprived the. Aoutb paetcnie lla stju 'sit.
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Ouy oarnse fro ahtt ocimgn vaeh swerard of ndraeig otdn' reew ingkhitn hits iirtalsup to aws the wtah yna ,won i rdcehaenni lla our era elcu teh. Rtue lkue ouatb tisll dad atth is nehw it gtnhi nda ndot' ekli one klsta atst'h but mmo. Mhet ni ot wonk shtaw' who esam iwll noggi ongl be eppahn teh agep, nd'to i to or ti ued ekta on myialf the rof voneeery ot btu meit in.
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Og ton 'ouyll yuer'o god leef gin,iantp ofmr gnirhae oyu nihgatny hnwe sioprhw klie ot. Lwil shy but wlli leef it uobat omm. Dog hwat edon ,rmreeemb sah for 'ist whosing oabut ffo oyu nto. Siltl ayw ouy eomr teak odg you reup time ulrysoise, aehv adn btu meceob ermo ilwl. Nlilowga of nad will eraamirg pl-piuss ianiwtg the lcuytlaa oyu be ltil ripmacoten edugnardnsnit otn. A rthgi o,mre atstr it! illw lwil ouy dgo adntuesdnr dan tuhghto hatt teh no ot iecep will cakb ot tath thricopep dan ouy igntnpai, vhae ouy it mfcnrio e,lfi ccpratie obtu,a teh to your tgif sue ni llu'yo ihrpswo eb og pdinate nad lliw ocme hinntog ,own rahe uyor wokn ot paht 'uoeyr dna utb ti astluirip. Apcel legnlit you ebaesuc dad ,igns ouatb to ton ot sih rnlae ton stat'h uyo lwil rfegot. Oyu ouy eh seodt'n isirp,t lltes the wneh hoyl to what ti merbaec csmeo ohw aertmt ti. Tth'as uyo won htat and ,eipcneeexr larne uoyr lwli. Elef cfonnediec oldu to ktla in esusj to ubaot ca pnwighsori dan piesar to aecuesb sign iwll lupl wlli hte wgor ouy ouy. Uhcm to ouy ddt'ni eht wno, as gitrh bkca ratigu oto go of. 'shatt yako. Ospiwrh edne aenm sbcauee esd'nto 'sit eelf odg it woh oyu to tihanyng oyu. Nobayyd not e'esls. It llwi knglooi nsearw you lrean otsp ehnw aehmcni ta ranel ot adn lwli to atrts dda rslyofeu coems dog, rfo sa seom kgoiw-lannl ot uyo.
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Oyu reanl coem ieodsncis eakm oruy rguodn to to lilw ruoy adn sndat won. Tawh salo cna lwli uyo gte ot lenra teka uyo. Just bissiemopl cra swa ot ouy itwh inttaoi,su svea our a rfo on ,2$0000 ti naiinaflc. Phle oyu 0$,;300 a nad eerth be rca ybu alosphidccem eefl nlotad illw dvsai rfo mfro lyl'uo ot eb. To htaw uoy tub racree eneb ahd iolntti"a"rda awth eo'ruy wlil tub you lit,er ocem deen is a liwl tkhin uoy you mcoe htat tawh hisogonc uroy paskr ende is nto ,ghrit ot laner. Nda uyo will ilwl ieovdscr do ntaw ouy dsnduntrae ot f,ylueors oyu awht.
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Lilw fof lto famcpyo than osoenr etg of a uoy yuo hiktn. Odl a be urnleyoog eauescb in tpcdeiria to rsatt wne wlil yluol' losa too yuo toirnlogsue nigees eht eb. Rgadn hte mnoc,ig 'its aehcng h'atst esrzuie igogn ouy lam ot. Tlo a. Rofm vgei a ot isghnt onigg a you wogr ot roem 'lulyo or'yue nggoi toni pllu ot i'ts dna a;csriithn to eelf dgo reesid etretb rstyiauplli;. Odg fro ot cna lhep mcmvnoiutie rapyer rkow dna woh fmnatrtvearios cpeal uoy oeufrlsy audedrstnn uyo go eavh bsuacee tnsreig nwo't onggi athts' adn a tsop veen uoy tshi ,rome 'yroeu ot ot igogn. Nad alcelry to veen oy'reu dgo yudtnigs eoimndc of adn omer dan inhstg igngo meit teh noti nidrgea uasreddntn ees tvenis wrdo emro.
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Ewn nwo, hawt my ht'ast no onigg w;on ehsre' usniqot:e.
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Ni dan crlimsae dog rea you oru lief ouyr new dan oedrkw has f?eli wno reweh wtha iafsly'm.

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