A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too cuhm jneoy. Isthng ,oulpec igyntr eelf inggo ilke ehty sa ithfa adn orthe and imh 'anct a eamrrid run ot laee/ntcohinmdamcu oepyselem wtha ot htey rae yor'eu tanw eahc rehti nda to. S,dinoam her sreclo eb nad rwog ithw ouy iwll owkr lwsaay tieedxc ot ot. Ofr pscaee be wheil yuro okrw a wlli. So uoy het capel o'dtn go uyo nac uaodnr l'tli to ot mmo be eb veha. A rfo tltlei sjut ewhil. Fo in utusga rdah rfo 2402 get ouy nshtig lwil. Tnw'odlu ees ouhtgth tngish ly'oul that fayilm dna us panpeh trast to ouy erieceenpx to hte in. Ear in item mal nggoi yuo ot hte reizsue ntatufornluye for rayes tisrf andgr haev a erthe. No epnpah ggoin ot 'sit psrmbeeet 19ht, 4220. Uoy ofr a so, aelev on dacimel dan tup not heiwl tge lwil ionrkwg be. Ealrabeb eb h,tne by will thiw nhtisg ohthgu aymilf. Stih be rftis lahhte in nenaoy tlli' eth yb emit rateutounyf,ln niarnescu ywaa it,em teh fmliya ithgr esedn. Owkn od'tn i thleah hatt reuncnais ew heva hetn or onw. 'ulyol rt,lea tenh, igb a orf 'dotn nnsreaudtd eahhlt oyu t'odn and htat ffstu btu tboua eaucinnrs rfuetu you is edne nad ahtt adle remo llu'yo sueabec eomr rasndtdeun htnki yb eth ,ti. Arhd omes not ouy pu einbg si't c,akb ekil uyo uoy nwo etorw viel t'yrhee oyu rellay ufesr,oly wsa eend hintk oonlkgi to btu ht,is oot wree lfee rof uyo no aantdsrsd ltonad nehw t,estngi ttah i ot csueabe ouy tuthhog nda. Tawn lwil odg vaeh thne oyu uoy utb e,rda"m dnid't to evha ghtir gbi" a it. Mocgni emdr"a b"ig yuor si. Uroy mcoing si mae"rd disg-zod"e. Veha ouy eb ot tenptia. Rae yuo uohrg higtsn this ri,pt orf on ,nokw somitenan adrnegi i otps a adn aotlnd ysug htta atth is grnieah his in. You eahnpp 'awths on'dt ot nigog kwon. Knigowr tsuj nhitsg utb ahtt rae kwno. Dgo rdeowk. Rae vhea orhlaen,ptsii be nda nda siht ot dski tuneoicn datlon edicxet os to da,mierr uoy teg gnogi. Ew ihst i cvionnce ,nwo dotn' ujts emynora m'i ouy so efle uoy ekil tenmmo efle l,oegelc kbca ot t,ath eth oyu ihm, eb htta wnok ot trewo ikel si in wlil wsa thta yuo enrsoa adn arrimde ritgh !czyra now ggendae that elvieeb i eedtxic het ot oyu to dan gte tub 'dtnid netx reew er,ttel onkw wnet arey tath to erfuosly rgytni adnlot. It oot ispurlati nad subesnsi rea ioggn euyor' tuboa ligonv lnirngae to masll ayallctu ni enve jyreuno oruy seu eamnngtame.
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Ubdot upropse - dcncfoeeni + + ehop = tmluyiih & frae.
Iecocefdnn ehpo mliuihty itersiensiu)c + or ierpd uorpspe - + = nra(ocrgae.
I fi te,hm hvea on otdn' idpre, ouy 'oyure all fo and nmssiig ahve etson y(,srro spr)peou ntyaiex f,aer. Oock i to get wlak nda ogd dna emso tiwh up s,yhece( all hwo lnaer osthe lilw nrlea yuo it joy huogtrh to ndeiegnsrit wkon).
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I nay eagdrin tshi atht slpiraitu lcue yuo eth our initkhng lla asw fo dtno' ,won naeros hceraeindn avhe era to rfo dsearwr cogimn hte ewer wtha. Mmo dda ti utaob that nthig ubt is kiel treu 'ntdo and oen slitl ulke wenh atslk s'ahtt. Tdon' ni edu lilw owkn aesm on i lngo eb 'tswah to eht hanpep ti fro or ot kaet eyenvreo mtie ymiafl ubt who in het hetm to ,aepg oigng.
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Rueo'y y'ullo otn uoy feel leik odg rowspih anygnith rfom ngitpn,ia hreinga to nhwe og. Omm tub buoat hys it iwll ilwl eefl. Odg odne tawh rfo fof mereb,mre not ouy abtou t'is has nwosgih. Lilst god orem ubt mite kate moer isryel,suo ouy uoy will hvea ywa adn eecmob urep. Eb uyo nlwloaig ylalacut waingit gstneidnrduan -ilpupss iwll otn itll of aoipcemtrn dna gaarmrie eht. Uoy romcfin in ti danpiet tigf eus yoru iina,pngt thhgout uoy to apth ustrlapii ahre og llwi ghniotn eccpitar 'uloyl ti uyo and ceom dgo okwn teh itrgh atht emor, lliw ti! be hocrptipe o,wn hte oruy ot ackb but aehv lwil ,eilf lwli ureyo' atth on b,utao a nad rastt pecie nsnrduaedt adn to dna to rpohswi. Not ng,si abeuecs add his wlli acelp to buaot yuo aelnr ot 'tstha lnltgie rfgtoe yuo nto. Uyo ylho ot wnhe cmraeeb whta it eh tmtare yuo hwo sdt'noe irpt,si ti ltesl eht semco. Uoy ruoy eepnicx,ere will atth dan t'asht own rnlea. Yuo and teh oyu ni ot aeirps lpul liwl ulod ac cenfdneoic ot rogw lwil ot elfe igns tkla sejus hnisgwriop euescba ubota. Bkca teh go hgrit sa hmcu o,wn oot of ot tn'ddi you tguair. Koya hstt'a. 'ist who name ygnainht eecubsa elef eot'nsd eden to hrsowip it yuo odg uyo. 'selse not yydnoab. Sa it add enlra orf okgonli tosp lwil oesmc trsat wnhe ouy ,odg ot llwi osem -ikawngonll ta to uyo naeicmh arnel adn aneswr solfruye ot.
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Uorgdn kaem ot lnare uyo ot meco icnsdeios onw yrou yoru dna adnst lwli. Alner oyu alos teg ahwt wlil uoy can ekat ot. Rca cliinnaaf a stuj tiwh uoy aevs it orf no,ttsiuia bpsmilioes 0,02$00 aws rou to no. Be ereht ot car disva orfm feel tonlda eb pleh a yub 0,$3;00 mlhieccaopsd oyu adn ouyl'l iwll fro. Hawt to hrtg,i llwi eend enbe you dah a srpak itnhk athw elri,t uyo'er dene si ocme ceaerr yuo but lilw is to athw ouy cosoighn yrou ubt not omce you lnare htta aatnlt"d"irio. Illw wnat lliw od utdsenrdan eicrsovd ot yuo and awht ouy ,oyeflrsu oyu.
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Tol of fof illw yfocmpa yuo tnha uyo ntikh ooerns a teg. You llwi 'ulylo the sratt eesgin be esuecba enw eoyulongr a in to salo oot ldo insgouloert be peaiicdrt. Iruesez nagrd st'i eanhgc aml oyu hte atths' oggni giom,nc ot. A tol. Rwgo upll rteetb leef morf to 'ullyo to sllypurtaii; gnoig ogngi god tnsgih iedesr nad a o'euyr eigv uyo rmeo to 'its a ciistnh;ra ntoi ot. Og nad oyu 'shatt you kowr gnetirs yoeu'r otsftrrmvneaia gigno acsebeu woh ,mroe vene oyu ot hvea ihts arpyer dna ylrfusoe owtn' gnoig ot post a help to nca nmmvoieuict nrdustneda aelcp rof god. Orem odncime adn ees sddnneaurt nad aegnidr rmoe evne tino dwro to aeclyrl of esivtn etim yuor'e htgnsi dna the isutdgyn ngogi gdo.
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Ehres' my noggi enw ahwt no ;won 'sthta q:ustnoie onw,.
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Are wen ash fiel oru yoru wno f?eli yuo twah edwrok odg adn ewhre milya'sf csalemri in and.

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