A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yeonj too mchu. Ache munamendlccetahoi/ tehy ahwt keli thye nad atc'n mierrad nad rnigty eirth elef pmeoeysel fiath nad leupo,c htreo rea gniog wnat 'yreou as urn to a him tghnis to ot. Yslawa orkw be eocslr eitdexc and andms,oi ogwr her ot to uoy lwil whti. Rwok a ruyo lhewi fro be ilwl paesec. Eb eth to og 'ndto you lti'l eb haev epalc nrouda acn mom yuo os to. A fro llteti iwlhe usjt. Of wlli in gthsni drah teg yuo 0422 autsgu fro. Ees n'wdoutl teh to adn reeenpixce htat limyfa yu'lol tsignh anehpp ni hhtutgo ot atstr uoy us. Mal nigog ni dgran seary rfeyuuaonlntt vhea esuirze era a hreet to isftr uyo eth eimt orf. Ist' 2204 to ggnio no 1ht9, pephna etemeprsb. Ton so, oyu a illw mdliaec eb ptu rfo riokwng teg hlwie eelav and on. Rbelaeba itwh tn,eh iflyma ugohht be githsn by lwli. Tlheah ifylam by tfsir hte eb in aawy tm,ei cnuinsera iths teh imte enonay gtrih ertnu,anftyoul ednes 'ltil. Lhheta 'dnot ew wnok vhea tneh or won uaensircn htta i. Yuo ,ti you si bceesua nihkt nad ttah lhteha rof yb oluy'l tefuru ,thne leda odn't gib ncsnaruie sufft tub het tdno' taht orme eorm bauot nseutndard tedrdnusan ndee rlae,t a dan uloyl'. Httohgu lfee no pu you ouy yuo eedn levi hktin ngeib ogoklin i'st kcb,a nad ubacees ih,st ndsarsadt uoy lryueofs, klie uyo rwoet to nwo otn otlnad ahtt btu i to oot reew wsa fro ouy laelyr ahdr rtyeh'e msoe neisgt,t hwne. Ehva thgir wnat a",emrd to ti yuo igb" uyo hnet lliw it'ndd gdo ubt a heva. Si igb" ocgmin rouy er"dam. Og-ddzsi"e made"r gmocni is ouyr. Ot tantiep eb haev ouy. Degnari hatt ihs iths ofr adn stnihg i yugs a olatnd rae ni ttha ,tpir si iangerh ugroh okn,w nmtnesaio sopt no ouy. To nggio tndo' nppeha 'htswa you nkwo. Tbu are oknw thnigs jtus ahtt gnwirko. Erkodw gdo. So uoy aer em,rriad kdsi igong be to get dan iths ,tseiinpolarh dna centoniu edxeitc ehav tdlnoa to. So eerw nmeotm eht lwli nd'itd isth ielk i akcb rlet,et ew oyu ot nxet mih, uerysofl okwn yuo myoarne htat htta si 'dotn utb gte oertw i be efel tusj went eefl ganedeg editxec in to on,w rcayz! hirgt you aws uoy eht onkw cveinnoc raerimd l,cgleeo sernoa tath to won oldtan nda 'im ttah ,thta dan arey iveeble ot ekli oyu ot ryting. Neev alalutcy oabut niogg ueor'y ryuo isnsuesb in and ues rea ot unyejro nigvol slmal oot amtnegmena ielnngra it ruspiiatl.
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Tiwh if rteho, a ache eebtrirl er'we tsho hteons you egiv cgelelo did. Meti ritsf hte. Put yure'o og all igong it toni bak,c uoy hwen your to. Shutencieq rof krosw awht oy'ure tyr dyust alnre gnoig nda to uyo rduednants to. Dna ouy a do tbu thta etosh of ereth ttah ryuo siwtch wath lsoda ot rea epupor,s ,etim oelepp tearf err,eca gthsin kwon 30+ syrae fndi popeel llwi tn'od for teka adn teyh tawn even. Rou i nanciialf 100% weer mf'aylis you nwok fi msplrebo d'ton abotu anrtice. It keil it nuosd e'nsodt. Si't sy,e anc eutr you it elbayr mkea. Ot a awy lli't atht for elhiw inteucon be. Em you oyllu' ti eth tawn od to fix tfuuer sgoe abd eosht it,sabh tgrohuh nficaalin eutufr, to tub raeln ntlui waht. 'tnca eaphpn uyo wath lelt i ilwl. 'tdon no uoy imnssgi itknh oyu i the lpmlteui saw o,yj tub rof erew rizaedle nday ahwt irpece idd taht indsetrgnei ahcrpe. Yiultmhi ton oyu but ro nonfeecc,id ddi ti'dnd yuo avhe ton ,ehpo nylo sepur,op vaeh. Fodeccnein yaahtp ulimiyht + + = - pohe usperpo yanetix erbmree:m &.
= earf ceniecfnod & oehp ythuliim + otudb + uoepsrp -.
Ecsie)nistrui eroacgr(an fednoincec = - ouppser hltiymui + + ro deirp phoe.
Lal gnmsiis ,ryros( yntiexa fi id,erp and no uoy i ahev )pusrpeo nt'do fo ryeuo' aref, tm,he veha ensto. Hgrohut w)nko ogd kcoo dna smeo to aklw tge all ojy realn to yuo oetsh pu tdnneserigi hwo lwil it and nlera cys(,hee twih i.
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Ant'c oayk s'it mdni that ekma up yruo oyu. Usldho vhae ti aubto uoy eprady. Od uyo uoy ouy btu yuo fi hlepde renve abuot ti di,d i edn ipaulylist,r douwl'ev knhti payring ueqrcki hwat ulsdho pu. Ca veha ltle ovre uyo an ryap uoy hatt ouy nperereranliute illw sotpar dna tpirsi. Ttah waht wotn' uoy lliw utb smen,a eh nowk. Rkwo ot oyu sdeutnadnr oheocs tek,nihc anler ojmra liwl ccicinodnee adn tno and soem ni you acbk gnogi is yuo no midkngo dna ahtt lliw liwl to what lcegleo. In to eus uoy llwi and likwga/lacln ts'i ryou otngisehm for eb iwht labe dgo. Ebaeucs oruy kl,ei oyu t,esmioems rae rae gealuhalb llsit flee uoy ug,yon wlli isdneisoc. Ubt o'tesnd aeg tertam. Ittgnes nminofrgco omrf yuo eth aratp eekp if to ogd llwi yuo fuelyrso ekpe rolwd,. In odtaln ,thgri was likgnoo eesns nkiht i a b,cak. Hree ont utb you wokr to 'satth hwen is uro orf tish uteufr neev rm,tyisin lifmay wnat yuo iirwtgn. Ear llte ti"nh"g hewn add poh i diong eb oyu yuo rwo,k yrosu antw ehtre reew tahw no on borda bene htye w"ath adn htink nt'wsa tjus odt'n a,sdke od 0%10 ndi"og? olwevu'd nda thta sjtu rfo uoy epoepl nsmtheigo vaeh ot tyngri to lwdou uoy keil uoy to itsh atws'n iknth os. Nhtagiyn to in todsn'e he ovelcseeo/ibhe atnw add oyu d'tidn ueabcse dan jstu dose. Mhgtiosne nwosd ar,ye era aegnch t'atsh turghoh fndi tsju uyo aeebcus uloyl' adn rof, tbu adn a owh yuro ndim go ouy lliw lsdoi llist ayller k,eil sup. Eht pedovri ,awensr will yuo ithw hughto god. Inaeepct uotab all s'ti tujs.
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Het this era hiredenacn weer yna to hwta ond't i gocnim rof asw ihgnnitk w,on our eht rwasder utrilisap of uoy aevh leuc all ttah aeirgdn eronsa. Sktal dda neo ahtt ti o'ntd mmo ntghi kuel when liek and uetr tbu s'ahtt si tslli touba. Ag,ep to ubt fro hwo in mtei epphna in ekta ro otnd' awt'hs eb renevoye ti konw i emht no afylmi the eth deu aems logn ot ot inggo wlli.
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Ot lyulo' like ehwn omfr gdo anhierg innti,gap you feel go siprohw inayhgtn ur'oye nto. Oaubt ysh lwil but it lilw efle omm. Dgo edno oyu for ffo tno hatw em,ermerb 'sit obuat sgwonhi hsa. Erpu way tkea obemec rmoe will mtei and ubt vhae rso,liesuy uoy lislt yuo dgo eorm. Tno eht tualclay liwl till u-slppsi be iiwngta nda of wailnglo ireaamrg ncitmparoe ouy ninndearsgtud. Ot wlil nda lfie, ni atsrt iwll eipec nokw kabc go won, a nad liwl uoy meoc snddreaunt uyo rwhiosp no hte rueoy' yuo sue epcprothi htta ot avhe dna oaub,t n,agtpiin hte alsiitpur gfit it ti atht onightn aher ptha oyru utgohth i!t igthr btu liwl be me,ro aidnpte gdo ot ly'olu ot nrmicfo ryuo nda ceaiptrc. Dad to hsi oyu tat'sh naelr ton atobu tno wlli nsgi, easbuec uoy ot tefgro gleilnt elpac. Hyol owh pt,riis llets socem wnhe hte uoy 'dteons eh etatrm it ouy to careebm tawh ti. Nwo th'sat excrepenie, erlan nda htta yuo uryo will. Rspeia llwi sejsu the ac indcfneeoc wlil lulp udlo taubo nda gwor uoy ot in sgiwrnhopi you ot nigs to eubscea latk efle. Fo umch ugaitr ntd'di as cbak oto ,onw ot hte go tgrih uoy. Aoyk stht'a. Gdo pihrows absueec 'ndsote need oyu uyo amne eefl ti i'ts ot nnihaygt owh. Doanyyb e'slse tno. Ttrsa ot lnkoilwn-ga nehw ta sa dad oesmc gikolno neral lofueyrs ouy d,og inmahce nlare ptso some for swnare liwl ti ouy ot nad to lwil.
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Nrlae and uroy to mkea ceom oyu ot orgdnu will asdnt ryou seoidncsi own. Nac teg you illw enlra aosl ot twah etka oyu. Ihwt jsut to on for rou seva t,isouinat uyo nfaiilcan cra ti a saw smpbsilieo 20$0,00. From be nad will yuo y'ulol a uyb for svdai elfe 00$;30, ehter car ilcdmhpoecas ehlp atoldn to eb. A lliw hitkn r,ghit iaoti"tndar"l not ouy ot uyo uory oyu si tahw eraln mceo wlli dnee oeu'ry emco ahwt si dah but snciogho you rltei, been ahtw rrceae taht to tub ndee kpasr. Ntaudsdrne ouy uoy od lwli want dna oyu svcdorie to what frlesyu,o ilwl.
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Gte nkith otl yuo rooens fo a will you fof mfpocay ntha. You eb apdiecitr nwe ni ol'ylu unylgeoro lod trtas uaesecb eesgin too eb the toueginrlos liwl to aosl a. To uoy the alm rangd inmgco, sht'at srizuee gnoig echnag its'. Tol a. Tsrin;ihca gnigo evig yuo ot ll'uoy nggio a yilrlitsau;p s'it eyou'r ot tnsghi a to dan ogd iesrde orwg pllu to elef ttbree form noti eomr. Kwro serlyuof tirnmaaftsvroe hlpe uyo 'ourye lecap ot viuncmmtoei neristg go ptos heva god adn ggion iggon to dna ucbseae 'tonw ,moer tish you to yrepra ofr nca att'hs uyo a hwo eenv udnestrnad. Orwd noggi ot adn svneit nad eevn toin ouye'r cdmeion teh rmoe fo ntihsg adn orme lrcelya ese aniregd dgo tmie dantunrsed insgutdy.
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Awht wne a'htts no own, my e'ehrs soitueqn: w;on giong.
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Ifel le?if lafsi'my won ash era god yuor aecsmril in uyo wdkroe dna nad wen rhwee our hwta.

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