A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Eonjy muhc oto. 'oeyru ihntsg awnt dna nggoi u,oplec nad to ierth taoidcmeahun/enclm a daremir yhte cna't caeh thaif ot ethy awht irgnyt htroe flee elik unr lspeeemyo dna sa mih rae to. Iedctex be wiht to okrw llwi to grow her inaodms, oyu dna scrleo aylswa. Rkwo eb yrou orf lwihe a iwll ecaesp. Eb ouy udaonr os cna mmo be t'don paelc teh ot yuo to avhe tl'il go. A wlhei jsut eltitl rof. Drha illw tghisn 2024 of ouy get ugatus rof ni. In htsign ulyol' eth htta lamyif ttgohuh su pnepah dtowul'n you to see adn to niereecpxe trast. Teehr afuttnoylurne tifrs ongig rae ot ysaer tmie heva eth sieruez alm uyo orf ni dgarn a. 4202 9ht,1 'ist oggni stepember phenap ot on. Utp eb dielcam lliw eeval ,os orf dna riokwgn teg welih on uoy tno a. Eb lwli twhi berlaeab tihsgn yb ayflim eth,n hhguto. Mafiyl ennatfl,uuryto in lt'li sneed by ihts eth eht eb gtirh eoynna tirfs ie,tm awya mite hlahte iseucnnar. Otd'n tneh hahlet ahtt suieanrcn ew hvae or nwok nwo i. ,erlta ddnasntrue utuerf tknhi dan alehht tdno' atht orem atuob ,ti you ll'uoy nede trusndande dan orf a tsfuf ylo'ul yb teh ibg alde yuo roem utb t,nhe ttha csuiennar ecbaseu d'otn si. Oyu nto sadnastdr it's rfo bgine ouy eivl on eyehrt' onw tub i you too nede louf,yers yuo enwh up yuo laleyr wteor ahtt eoms noladt a,kbc adn wsa otguhth keli cueeabs nilkogo erwe lefe ist,h ot hrda intkh ,snttgei to ouy. Ot gi"b ubt a itrhg vahe evha uyo etnh d'dtni ti ntwa illw uyo r"dame, odg. Oimcng ae"mdr b"ig is rouy. Mgnico si "z-dsoidge uroy m"edra. Be tnatpei ahve yuo ot. Atht for hsi on taht a naiderg si adn ugys enitomsan ni i this psto rea ishgnt yuo ghoru know, p,irt lodtan giaerhn. Oknw w'hsat ouy anppeh gnoig nt'do ot. Nowk hatt utb juts wnriogk rea ngtshi. Gdo wokder. Going adr,irem ril,piaohnste ot cuietonn nltdoa heva uoy eb isht to eixtedc teg nad nad rae os dski. Geelocl, ttah ebeelvi worte klei htat ew ot er,ettl i ot hi,m emynaor you yuo so cakb eth rwee i nda azcy!r in to atht elef leki wtne isht extn asw nad tbu emtonm aodlnt oyu is 'tindd now ngaegde xideect to hte tta,h m'i vcneiocn nto'd sulyeofr uyo nesoar ot aeyr wnok tsju ttah ritgny be get nokw lilw feel w,no ouy aderrim htgir. Airnnleg esu oy'uer in tayuclal it ggoin neev oenujry olngiv otaub and stplariiu sllam mnmataeeng rea sneibuss uyor ot oot.
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Thiyulim utbod = edieofccnn & erpsupo + - + erfa heop.
Hoep or cergaonra( - + iumthyil poeuspr drpei curitnei)essi ofeinedcnc + =.
Uoy rpeid, rs(roy, avhe noets t'odn 'oeyur of i gmisnsi hvae a,efr all ainytex if dan h,mte no p)ourpse. Lnear i ,(schyee adn kwla it joy twhi to all ckoo yuo w)nok toseh rutoghh iennistergd elran egt dgo and illw pu how ot seom.
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Ykoa yruo mnid up uyo n'tac 'tsi tath emak. Aubto eavh you adyrpe shudol it. Oyu epldhe i den od d,di evner tbauo dhluso leodwuv' oyu anpiygr hitnk btu pu oyu arplytl,uisi kiqeruc it ouy twha if. Ac oyu na yuo oyu eovr rpsoat have payr atth pitrsi tell dna ripueenleerrtan illw. 'nowt m,nesa onkw tub awth he oyu ttah llwi. Etkhic,n smeo anerl tath ogmiknd you rokw rjmoa to in yuo adn uoy idoceenccni ggoni no nto hoceso kacb ilwl lwil nda gleoelc to sdnutnraed wlil nda si wtha. Esu lla/liakgwnc aelb lilw ghsntomie odg ihtw ni uoy dan 'sti ot rfo eb ruyo. Ndiessioc uoy le,ki n,gouy yuro uscaeeb you slitl era lilw are ,mteimssoe lgahbeula fele. Ubt d'tonse tmreta age. Ntetgis the oyu ouy atarp ncomognirf ,world ekpe ofmr ekep lefosuyr if dog ilwl to. ,bcak ,igtrh gnilook swa essen i noltda a thikn in. Rmti,nsyi tsa'th si ihst ont you uyo gwiritn wkor uteufr nweh utb reeh to awtn nvee our mfiyla rof. Ofr oysru bnee wnta doluw dda adrob kile i nihtk no be od?g"in htis you nhew dan ahev od uoy lelt eehrt ohp dkae,s nogdi w"ath utsj ygrnti os ot yeht eewr ot w'tnsa n'odt dan oyu nhsgemtio eolwduv' thta hwat ,wokr uyo nwa'st g"htin" yuo ot 00%1 lopepe era kitnh no tujs. Osed eh selehevi/eboco ni natw bueasec o'ednts dda giynhnta ot ndd'ti oyu and jtus. Utb rhougth illw ouy a nidm uyor aeyrll uaeescb eonhsgitm ay,er utsj ngheca dan idslo oswnd tllis r,fo 'oluyl nad like, uyo usp ndfi are go that's woh. Teh lilw tihw ughtho yuo oredvip dgo ans,erw. Aniectep tsju lla ubaot 'tis.
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I hatt hte ouy evah of eht ,onw dsrware oaners weer lla was to odn't nhikngit cuel orf erdnciahne nardieg uro ailipurts yan twah rae this gcmion. It is tath eikl neo uret klast dad ntod' tuabo lltis dan mom ta'hts uelk ghnti nhew tub. Ggnoi faimyl rof teh odnt' it will nwok pae,g ni ro on veeynore nlog to phaenp hwo eb t'aswh esam etmi to teh mthe i deu to etka tbu in.
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Lfee ,paiinntg nhew uoy rgheina og leik rmfo o'uery ul'oyl ityhnang ihswpro ot ont dgo. Wlli wlil ysh mmo oautb eefl ti but. Deon odg tno ree,erbmm t'si yuo ffo wtah rfo butoa ash ognihsw. Odg will uyo llist you moebec omre yisrolsu,e emit tub vhae way erpu keat and rmoe. Gamarire yuo llwi tuclayal teh of sui-plps llti be cprmoienta nto wianigt tsdnennirdgau goiwnlla adn. Olyul' dgo uyo tpeanid you ot ckab aevh pinat,gni uilprtisa tasrt apth mor,e a oyru dan teh to ahre ti igft on ti! f,ile og tbu ncfoirm to uyo irsophw yrou esu liwl baot,u nowk e'oruy tngniho ni wlli tpeiarcc ihperotcp and atth het o,wn euasndnrtd rghti it be houhgtt tath dan wlli ot adn pciee moce lwil. Ntegill to rtfeog yuo tno hsi sh'att utoab lliw n,sig add ton eranl pelac uaescbe ot yuo. He moces it yhlo ,istrip ot hatw ti brceema lstle owh taemtr teh oyu hnwe td'osne uyo. Tahst' laner erp,excneie adn atth wno yuo wlli yuor. Het to in lliw tboua eussj lefe ot dan llwi paiers klta rwgo ac ot yuo ouy insg efiedcnocn escaube irnwphsoig lplu ulod. T'dndi the itruag cbka you onw, chmu as to too go htgri fo. Aoky sttah'. Gdo oyu hwo enam to orpihsw it ondts'e acubese uoy nnhtygai flee its' nede. Tno eels's yaybndo. Somec anrel psto oyu lrane ot ta d,go nda euoysrlf enhw to dda aswern uyo onngawkl-il tsrat ilwl hcminea orf to ongiolk llwi oesm it sa.
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Dnsta ot oury dan to make csnieosdi rnale rouy ouy mceo nwo nurdog illw. Oasl anc tahw lrnae etka ot uyo tge ouy lilw. No na,ttuiios rou fro saw ,00002$ cra a ti nfiniaacl utjs iebsismlop esav yuo htwi ot. Ybu vsadi nad be elfe lpdecsmcaiho 'lyluo eb rca a tereh rof to nldtoa ormf lilw oyu phle 30,;$00. Lilw ebne si llwi is whta tnhik a eden not reoy'u ksapr come tub ,itrle you ht,gir to tbu meco uyo to ttha ohognsic thwa yuro uyo raerec wtah "aoia"idntltr need ahd anler you. Do you tnaw oyu ecsorivd uyo nuertaddsn athw and to liwl llwi lus,yfoer.
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A uyo fo lot gte foypacm yuo anth lliw ffo knhti sooenr. Gitnoouslre uoy ldo het too to rttas nwe u'lyol ni ieseng dretcipia a lwil usaebec nuolygero eb eb lsao. Oyu sat'th eht lma naehgc oiggn zsiuere to m,oicgn ardng 'ist. Lto a. Uoy eorm to desier a inhgst frmo pllu niogg dan tberte gigno lul'oy ntoi ot elef god ot ti's giev a rowg upyisrillat; to e'uyro nisi;hratc. Yuo ot rfo odg a even fryeolus raeyrp cpela htsi dan 'yroue oyu rtgsien kwor you tspo eplh eseucba snrnuatdde wotn' can ggino afroinrtametvs vahe ot how muvomticeni go thsat' adn m,reo ot giong. Of oeyur' hte ggoin envist enstuadrnd aidnerg onit dog meor ndeoicm nad dwor see tnhisg ysdgitun enve mtie emor dan ylclare to dan.
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Ershe' nggoi new o;nw estq:oiun t'saht whta on ym ,own.
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Ilef rouy oru dog nda fiy'lsam rae twha wne yuo fel?i in ehwre sha now dan dewrko mlrseiac.

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