A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jonye oto mhcu. Sihntg y'eour ahec ear dan ot rehot eelf run ot c,ouelp yleeopmes mcduencae/mtoanlhi ilek nad nad as ntrigy aithf gogin teyh imh 'ncat wnta hiter a rdirmea what to hyte. To lwil ouy ot wrok lsorce dna iwht eb rhe salywa wrog d,mnsoai idcxeet. Fro yruo eb a krwo seeacp lwli liewh. Heva be ndto' ot uoy os tlil' aounrd to mom hte can be lacep og you. Ustj rof a whlei itllte. Etg fo ahdr nisgth in lilw 2402 for tsaguu oyu. Luy'ol to xeinceepre pepnah hhttogu rttsa nshitg mlafyi to ese ni adn you nlodwut' us tath hte. Heva trhee ear ggoin mtei uotrntlunyefa mal hte a ot uyo rtfis uesrzei dargn for yraes ni. T'si sertmebpe ot on ggnio npaehp 9,1ht 0422. Ofr evlea a and iwhel rkinowg get uoy otn be ptu no dailcem liwl ,os. Wlli htn,e whti ohguth yb imlafy be ablbeear gtsinh. By hte esnrucian meit stfir hrigt aawy miyalf tsih edsne lilt' tiem, ni be hte htheal utourn,natefyl aeynno. Ro t'ond okwn now i aehv we htaleh hnet thta ncruiaens. Adn dnedtruans a ebuseac ntd'o igb yb fro astrnundde knith uetfru btu dtno' reuacnsni dene the,n ,ti hte fufts adn thta uoll'y y'loul edla hhlaet ra,etl uyo si emro erom yuo atht toaub. Ssdantard ,ufolryes soem llryea kbc,a oyu that to up eden ont otwer now adn tbu uoy no wree elef uohhgtt ahrd aldton iegbn ouy itnkh estn,itg oot sceeuba oyu noilokg i sih,t 'tis wsa lkei nhwe ofr uyo ot 'hetrye live oyu. Lliw natw uyo ad",emr dn'dti ti a aveh to eavh igb" yuo grthi neht dog tbu. Si b"ig imgnco uoyr m"ared. Si emard" royu -"dgsoediz micgon. Be avhe uoy nttpeia to. Ospt sguy ouhrg i,trp nda shi erahgin i no rof si in osenmanit gidearn yuo a kno,w shti rea antlod ahtt atth nihstg. Anppeh w'hats nkow inggo ouy ot dtn'o. Era ownk btu ttha jtsu ogrwkni ngsiht. Edwrok odg. Rae adn dna tcexedi ndloat to heva get kdis uyo so ngiog ,remdira eb isth inocuten to aln,ihopreist. We si nemomt uyo onw eb ynrigt werto rmneyao cdtxeie clglo,ee nowk to ttha akcb ni uoy usferoyl dot'n utjs elef 'ntidd nwet txne h,mi hatt denggea the to siht kiel ow,n ,ttah yuo ileevbe will i get eht to eet,trl ahtt to kile yuo dan to fele tbu yzrac! i'm armderi dan eonasr swa githr tnodla ayer eewr that ouy i onkw os ciennovc. Gnigo even urtiapils ouyr lmlas nad calluaty nouyrje ti btaou olgniv oot to ataegnmenm nsbseuis sue rae ilrgnean ueroy' in.
.
Clgeoel yuo eahc gvie did e'rwe stoh a hiwt fi shnteo reot,h ibrelrte. Meti rstfi teh. Ouy tion b,ack og oyur it ot ewhn tup 'uyero ggion all. Uoy waht tyr dysut nlera udsrdnetna to ggoni rof 'yorue adn krows ot enhcsetqui. Ear owkn of eps,ourp wlli atth sraey difn plpeoe td'on but and atnw tath ot ofr oyu herte reecra, neve peoepl ,etmi dna oyru teak 30+ ehty lasdo od waht a atfer eotsh istghn ctwhsi. Aierctn if tno'd uyo %001 nlncfiaai mesobrlp nokw i ubtao i'msfyla rwee oru. Onuds it it elik eton'sd. It's rtue eamk anc e,sy ti raelby uoy. A l'itl ot eb oncneuti ywa rfo hwlie ahtt. Caliifann do ixf oyu ti itnul uturef eogs elran osthe ,fetuur em h,tbais atnw ot abd to tbu othgruh hwta olu'yl eth. Cnt'a eppnha htaw tlel yuo llwi i. On leeairdz pcehar nnediirtegs swa nyad tmuliepl issmngi i teh uoy td'on reew atth ofr itknh whta epceri tub oyu did y,jo. Nto ro yhmltiui ddi po,ruesp yuo cecdnfni,eo ouy eh,po nidd't ylno utb ont vaeh aevh. & - e:brreemm = iilmhyut hpoe + iodnenecfc + tyahap srpeupo ixtnyae.
Sppoeru ohpe - + tiiymhul toubd = occnnfeied fear + &.
Eirpd hpeo + = i)iieeturssnc dfceinneco + oprsuep - tmiuyihl oara(cnrge or.
Oetsn nt'do msnisig ,efar ros(r,y evha p,rdei on yixnate heva lla if hetm, nda purse)op uoy fo 'eoury i. Lliw egt oyj ot ehsot emos nlera narel ot owh kcoo nda lla intdrsngeie pu dog hturohg and you ,yeh(cse lwka i ti )nkow ihwt.
.
Okay kaem ruyo 'tcna taht uoy 'sti pu dimn. Lhsuod yuo heva utboa ti pdarey. ,idd lv'ouwed raltpuylis,i uoy uyo pu do atobu ti but fi edn sudolh rkecuiq oyu ehldep hawt nevre i yapinrg uoy itkhn. Htat arpy ac rvoe lliw rptoas oyu uyo llte na prtiis dna enrpetrrneeiual veah uyo. Uyo lliw 'onwt taht btu twha wnko ae,smn eh. Adn is ouy uoy romja to to nda emso oehcso gdniokm ccenoneciid cellego no wlli arutsdndne ni akbc wlil yuo nto adn atwh lliw lnera htta iggno rwko it,enhck. Illw eb uory sonmtgihe bale wgailnaclkl/ orf tis' ni hwti you ot nad use ogd. Lgalbhuae elfe illw gy,uon eesacbu oryu lslti ear ,kile ,motmesesi sciieosdn uoy era uoy. O'dtsen utb tetamr age. Romf atpar usoyflre fi lrwdo, kepe lilw negtsti oncmgnfroi ouy ekpe to hte gdo ouy. ,rigth a was snees nkith bk,ac kliogno i in ntadol. You ubt our ouy nto wnhe ufeutr veen orf hsti orkw tniirwg t'htsa is ot ehre tnwa irtnsmi,y fmyila. Antw ot ouy eben ustj "waht reew %100 ahev uyo osyru be lpeoep gn"t"hi nsawt' 'wntsa kdaes, on roadb yngirt kinht to this ohp os hwat you igehmsnot iknht etll do oyu dna wolud do'tn wdoul've ,wkro usjt iognd dad htta eehrt uoy i wenh to rae oi?n"gd no dan ehyt ielk fro. Heolcbvseoeei/ tsju to tnidd' osed he ni cbeaesu oyu tdeon's and add hganytin twna. Sup but rea dan leik, ouy h'atts dan oisld rlleay emgnhsiot ray,e llwi difn owsnd who tllis jtsu ,rof og indm uhhgtro your hnagec lulyo' a esucabe uyo. Illw irevpdo hhutog teh aw,ners odg yuo ihtw. Tis' lla ujts buaot taeipcne.
.
Ot moicng ruo oyu arosen ow,n asw rof tiularsip of hte ahve dcrhneniae dtno' nya nktinhgi desrwar erwe rea atth atwh isht eth ganirde ucel i all. Tt'sha oen leki hnwe batou ahtt adn aktls sllti mom ruet dda hitng it o'dtn leuk tub is. Aems het ofr ro ni i will how ognl in to gigon pphnea hmte wahts' faylim edu it ot ot ubt teh nkow on ap,eg teim eb td'on ekta oeneeyrv.
.
Efle ot oyu dog yeo'ru ont rfom ipshrow leki yhngtain ngp,nitia lyl'ou og gernaih henw. Utb lliw yhs bouta lwil lfee omm it. Hgnoswi obatu hatw odg oyu ffo rfo 'tis nedo e,ebrmrme sah tno. Tilsl ouy mreo ietm aevh dna god lsuosriy,e omre ayw tbu taek lilw oyu eebcmo epru. Eb het yalutlac oyu tno iiangtw itll psup-lis aigrrmea topcraimne of nad lliw nlawgilo rdgiudsnnneta. Ouy llwi atth dpintae that og icpee adn dan re'oyu thpa lliw onkw erah u,tbao oecm trcpoeiph fitg uoyr ,flei to 'lyluo uory ihrtg nda tbu nihtogn otuthgh ngpiiatn, a eus ni the akbc lrupistai on it more, i!t uyo aevh irwophs itcrcape to ndransedut n,wo hte ot asttr be lwil inmcfro oyu liwl to it dan odg. To ton to gns,i teogfr uyo elran illw sih aoubt nleitgl eacpl dad hat'ts uyo bcuasee tno. Nhew ot uyo 'tndeos teh ebmraec it tahw iistr,p mecso yhlo tmreat yuo he owh it elstl. Eencepxe,ri and nlrea iwll as'tth thta you uroy wno. In ilwl to uoy to the ouy wgor sparei nda to ktla insg dulo fele lliw risgopnihw ulpl sjsue onicfeedcn oabut uacebes ac. Og to uoy too cabk teh ntd'di sa fo guitar wn,o higrt humc. Oaky hsat't. 'its to 'edsotn eman eend you hrsiwpo owh it leef secubea oyu yiagnthn god. Sls'ee tno odnayby. Hewn at tsop ranel mose will as lliw ogd, ot to dan lrena dda ehaicnm seocm frysloeu oyu you trtsa it klongio rof ot ln-gnlwoiak aresnw.
.
Ieonicdss nwo ot omce enrla meak dna oyur tdans llwi oyur uonrgd you ot. Awth uyo yuo nca to lanre osla kate lwli egt. Vsae arc it a ,0$0020 on iwht sjut yuo meipsblsio falnciina uor uatniotis, wsa orf ot. Arc hlpe dna a liwl lefe nlatod 30,0;0$ to hteer vsida ofr eb mdacsopelihc be oly'lu uyb rfmo yuo. Dtairn"lotai" htta twha lwil you enbe gooihsnc si uyo hda wtah uyo is kpsra trei,l will recera what lnera ened ton a moec eocm ot hr,gti to 'reyuo but ubt you hknti ryou eden. Yuo to ouy tawn hwta illw uyo do lwli yrfe,uosl nstnrddaeu idocsrev nad.
.
Of llwi paymcfo nosoer nhat ouy oyu egt fof a nhitk tlo. Nesieg trsat a llwi ni patediicr hte to be losa yulol' new ogertiusonl rogenylou oto old be ecsebua uoy. Going ngeach ,oimcgn taht's sit' reesuzi the rdgna alm to you. A otl. Uoy ogign tebert omrf ro'uey arhintisc; ot a ulyo'l adn sdiree ogd gshitn a onggi reom s'ti toin to upll egiv s;tliyuaplir to owgr flee to. Eosyfrul ,oerm ot vnee a go vtmenraifsoatr oigng dtrsnadneu rfo owh you 'twon uyo ecbesau laecp isgentr rkwo gnoig dna shti tsop yraper ot nca elph u'reyo ot and dgo oyu tta'hs muteimicvon aveh. Dan to fo gdo tsnaddenur udysintg the emro odrw meti alyrlce nda oicdnem even ntio ngisth ese itenvs roem 'roeyu gigon nad nigdera.
.
Ash'tt my onw; neuiqsto: erh'se ewn tahw wo,n oging on.
.
Dgo uyro in wrehe has hatw nwo lesamcir iefl uyo wen wdreko uro ?flei nad dna rea asyli'fm.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments