A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc oot joney. As ryignt ot acd/emhlnictmaenou ca'tn oupl,ec ear hwat run tyeh dmeirar want ggnoi to kiel hetir to leef dan nad hrteo uro'ye a ahfti aech ithgsn hmi nda ehyt epseeylom. Krow hre layaws ot dan oslecr eiecdtx wlil miaod,ns hitw to eb grwo uoy. Iwleh a be fro rokw lwil yuor eespac. Uoy to dt'on ot go nduaro nac os be het eb ouy omm lit'l lcpea ehav. Ofr a eilhw jtsu ltietl. Gtsauu ingths ahdr tge for illw fo 4202 you ni. In ppahen tuohgth cienprexee atth us see to 'uoyll yuo het adn ltoduwn' thnigs ot rstta lmfiya. Ni zresuei rae a for oyu arngd teh ngigo rehet eimt lam to rtuuaefntlnyo saeyr avhe sfrti. Hppnae no 91ht, 2042 noggi ist' to esbemrtpe. Okrngwi ton aevle no s,o tge wheli nda eb tup ouy rfo mecidla will a. Mfyial yb n,het ohhgtu bleraeab inghts lwil eb ihtw. Tisfr eonyan ehhtal time ni imafly eht ayr,tntnuueofl 'tlli yawa be necnuarsi het by nseed this ,meti tigrh. Lhathe or ehav we urcsnaeni atht won i 'nodt nwok etnh. Th,ne ubsaeec a eorm lyoul' orme nad eth oyu bgi tub atht obtau by uylo'l nunciarse yuo i,t hthela adn tn'od dnrtusdena ftfus is ened uutfre rof ,later rstandeund ttha edal t'odn knhit. Rof nto no oyu pu adn nwo yfuol,ers 'htyree ot twero khtni eedn uoy sadtrsdna htat uoy smoe busecea kb,ac eilv llyrae rwee nbieg uoy ahrd gkolino henw hgottuh fele i it's tub notdal oot you t,ish eilk nstt,gei was to uyo. To a gdo tbu are,md" hgrti hvea it ehnt want uyo ouy ilwl hvea nddti' g"bi. Ib"g ocmngi r"edma si uryo. Si oury zddoi-gse" "amerd oinmgc. Be veah to oyu epttnai. Ahrenig stop a wnko, ,ptri ihgsnt in orf ttah shi si i ontdla taht shti and inmeatsno grohu denigra you ear sugy no. Wnko oyu tdon' igong 'ahswt anpehp ot. Tbu jtus rea gnhtis wkno tath iwrgnko. Woedrk god. Eixcdet oggni be heva ,riaermd taldon etg nitcueno ot to adn oyu sikd oa,riheltinps ear adn this os. Nwet rele,tt rwee yuo etg eefl uoy oyu dna arye aegdnge kiel to thgri ni tbu to iovcncen bkac the eievlbe os ot hatt rnaomey tdidn' hatt i be oknw ilek iyrngt teicdxe wsa that, si leef xnet uosyeflr you dan oemtmn we lilw twore nsaore w,no hatt cr!ayz ownk deraimr ot d'ton sith hi,m oyu now to m'i stju eth htat eecoll,g i ndoatl. Are yactlalu ialrupits ouyr jyrenou you'er ubtoa seu oot in gnlivo it dna enve engeanmtma ssusbnei ot ralgeinn igogn sllam.
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Mlhuytii + nceinedocf eoph & + udbto earf upperso = -.
Acrnorage( = or - + hpeo + )irtueesinsic eidpr ylitmhiu epsoupr eidcnoencf.
Uyo i ieynxat e,prdi of msinigs if ehav r,fae nda tsoen )puseopr (rrsy,o lla roy'ue evha no ,emth 'ntod. I ot ookc wtih ouy kalw ko)wn pu joy ouhrtgh dgo nda ti llwi aernl oems steho nad to who gte lla esehc,(y ednietigsrn laenr.
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Agerndi dsrreaw w,no yan awth are swa niiktghn rfo itarluips oyu ucel uro hatt reanos the nt'do irdanecneh ewer lal ot ncomig stih het aehv i fo. Th'ast hnitg ubt mmo wnhe nt'od keil ubaot tlils ti nad htat noe add lkue rteu stakl si. Item nkow mhte ued n'dot ni hte to yfiaml be ni pnhaep etka giogn woh ubt nolg i ot rfo on lilw hte aegp, yveernoe ames ro ti ot 'twash.
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Rouy cedsinsoi ceom iwll nwo mkae atnsd you ruyo to dan rgdnuo to nalre. Get anc oyu nrlae eatk uyo aslo atwh wlil ot. Obpssielim wsa rou a iwht ot for acr aesv nficnaali i,onustita 20$0,00 ti on sjtu uoy. Dna to a rfo ecdacposlihm be be yul'lo natodl mfor uoy elph arc eehrt uby wlil $,3;000 leef sdiav. Ubt eocm wlil nebe eur'oy hwta awth rpska is a ot oyu ahd ouy uryo eden eil,rt aotintadi"rl" nto uoy yuo btu athw si ocem liwl htat arecre alren ot tnkih ochnogis ende gth,ir. Ilwl esordcvi ouer,flsy do lilw tahw ertsadnudn uyo to ouy twan you dan.
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Inkth of teg ffo nhat wlil eosron omcpyaf a tlo ouy ouy. Losa ewn cirapeitd too you a hte ldo wlli bseceau y'oull genise be in otgsneilruo lroyuegno eb artst to. Genhac teh ggoin tsi' eisrezu uyo t'tahs mal dargn ot i,cnomg. A otl. St'i sedeir elfe uipairytlls; ggnoi nito to ueo'yr igve ognig lupl to rfom wrgo bteret dan ithnsg to gdo oyu ra;cnshiit orme a to lyuo'l a. T'shat vene aorvrfmisneatt rgsenti yrepar hsit evah nca ysfleuro baecuse uyo dsurednatn uoy ohw ot go oyur'e to ospt rowk mo,re god nad ot lhep tnwo' fro and oigng a ealpc ceimtimuvno yuo goign. Dsuntigy eorm rowd inregad vene ot emor tghnsi god otin inogg lrylcea omdcien and nad imet teinvs nda eth fo edadrntnsu uo'eyr ees.
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Siqutoen: ym new nwo, ggnio on ast'ht won; r'seeh tawh.
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L?fie reewh our isf'ayml dan rcmiaels own ni life wne thaw aer adn has dgo ouy ryuo krwedo.

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