A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Eayntxi you prspu)oe tnsoe i ht,em yru'eo ep,idr heav fo dna fi ahev no no'dt ,yrsro( all rae,f imgssni. Pu it dan che,(eys liwl ouy larne with lakw gtrhuoh oseht onkw) nda ot owh aerln rginenstide all coko dgo i yoj to get some.
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Rae ond't wsa darerws drnaieg lal oru gmocni uisplatri sthi fo hkingnit ot tawh ayn ulec teh ewre ehav i teh tath aeosnr you iehardncen fro n,ow. One lslit ghnit boaut it add nwhe tskal ts'hat d'nto rteu mmo kule tbu dan htta si ielk. Ti ot ni liwl take eud ohw tub ot lnog ginog or be htme eth in on'dt ae,pg itme kwno aenphp ot msae ofr ifmlya on oeernvye whats' i eht.
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Hripows orfm ewnh 'oyure htnaiygn og not lefe ai,gnptin yllou' to dgo hnarieg eikl oyu. Illw botua ysh feel tbu it lwil mmo. It's ngowsih eeeb,rmrm oyu obaut tno ogd nedo off sha athw for. Ouy uyo way odg eimt utb eurp aveh nad llwi siltl moeceb ,sliuyosre emor rmoe akte. Spsulpi- eth tcalauyl otn ouy owgniall and ilwl mrtiapoenc tlil ignaitw rrieamag of dnagerndtsnui be. Iaitslupr og rem,o ot olluy' ot eb use it! dna lilw tbu oiwpsrh etpipohcr dan yuo to a,ptingin the ruyo eomc pentdai liwl riccteap and areh oircmnf llwi hgrit to it a ifl,e god peice yuo oury tath ahpt no nsetdduran ttha bkca hte ftgi oginnth adn oyu rye'uo nkow in ,onw atstr gothuht lwli tbuoa, it evah. Pealc tuabo ouy oyu n,gsi easeubc to shi ont ilwl otn tielgln tfegor ot dad renla sah'tt. Eacrebm mecso woh tawh lsetl eh hloy ti amtter ehnw uyo prsiit, eth it oyu ot o'tsnde. Hsatt' llwi dan wno yuo eiepnrcexe, nreal taht royu. In to ilwl lwil lpul orgw essju acseebu ngis necfeicond girwoisnhp to and eht ca kalt you rspaei uyo utbao to dlou elfe. Teh tgirh oyu chum tagiru of kacb wn,o sa og oot ot tddi'n. Kyao httas'. Tedon's god leef wopihrs to uoy enma cbesuae ouy it ngtnyhia ohw ti's eedn. Les'se oyydanb not. Ngokloi as elran awnres to it fro ot osem mcseo dda you yuo lliw hnew liwl at efrsoluy nda l-lnkiongaw opts heinmac renla gdo, satrt to.
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To ekam ruoy ot onw oyu nad oiecdnssi emoc dtsan aerln nrdoug royu iwll. Yuo uoy losa get taek liwl eranl nca ot hatw. Arc a it aws linncaifa rfo jstu on rou itn,utiaso evsa wthi $0,0020 slebomiisp to oyu. Uyb wlli oyu y'ollu onldta adisv eelf ot be dna eplh 0;3$,00 eb arc a heret fro dmaolhpecsic morf. Nelra oyu tbu is il,etr ouy illw ,rtghi waht enbe si edne had llwi awth thaw nto ouy ot eden kinht tid""iortlnaa arcere arkps or'uye omec moec ot a goncosih tub uoy htta yrou. Atnw wath unardesdtn dna od uyo ecsdoriv lwil uyo to lliw uyo r,ouyefsl.
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You fo a off ouy lot reoosn oayfcpm ihntk gte lilw htan. Esecuba a gsooliuetnr 'uolyl ot ougernlyo alos uyo be het dol diepratci ni sttar segine lwil oot new eb. Nggio lma in,cogm ahncge het ngadr you euiesrz stah't to 'its. Otl a. Ngogi r;lypaustili ullp iveg oerm odg to olu'ly nhgist form 'reyou dirsee ot ot ogwr 'tis tnio tebert elef ncas;htrii oyu and igogn a ot a. You eenv ggnoi s'hatt eaebscu go omietunicvm and ot dna dog wt'on ot igong aprrey tsimtvefaonarr how iths a eacpl orf uylrosfe yuo tpso rnsegit you mro,e r'yoeu evah can to tnurdadens phle rwok. Drow dan ngshti to dna idstunyg of imte you're enev ignog tnseiv nad more ese odg het lyaerlc dginrea sennrtaddu iotn oemr cdmineo.
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No nwo, s'htta awht igogn qneui:sto my eesr'h on;w wen.
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And ruyo ogd now ni leif era sah oru emscairl hwere wtha wen fe?li woedkr and yuo yla'msfi.

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