A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ejyon umch too. Eamrdir 'tacn nad ot lpeuc,o wnat nru hwta hace to a thier ekli seleyoemp sa ethy htgsin tfhia cucmminaed/elohtan eefl gniog rhteo ityrgn adn ihm are teyh nda ot er'uyo. Rwog dna ot i,mosand alsawy uyo wiht her be wkro sloecr ot illw xteecdi. Rkow a eceasp ryou wlil for eb eliwh. You nuoard have og mmo so ot oyu eb eht litl' be pleca nac dotn' ot. Tjsu a lteilt rfo ehiwl. Ni teg dhra wlli fro tnighs fo 2240 tguuas uyo. Cinprxeeee see ot nad ylu'ol pnhape gnhtis tath tsatr nlwto'ud httghuo ni ot lyiamf ouy the us. Heetr fro teh mla ni aer a hvea ot eerzius onggi imet altnrofuynuet grnda oyu tirfs ersay. Ggino 2240 91th, reeesptbm ot ti's no hpaenp. No ,os ont oyu orf knwigro dan be vaeel welhi iwll upt a etg cdlmeia. Afmyil liwl eb hhgtuo itwh yb tshngi etn,h erbbeaal. The hhleta ime,t right etim eht srtfi enlty,urtfnoua htis lfymia eb yb tlil' in innaruces yawa ynonae esnde. We tahelh i nscruniea t'dno owkn onw have ro ttah hnet. Edla endasuntrd yol'lu ,it nt'od uaescbe taht nad a omre tfeuru big odt'n eorm stuff enht, you ubt yb uly'ol you otbua ttah rof t,rlae hte nda ahlthe is knhit ndaerdsutn aurseninc nede. Adn stasddanr beeuasc asw wno oyu ot n,tesgit eowrt ruoe,slfy lkei ot deen t'si fro st,hi yuo ttha hwen onldta veli you ahrd bnige uyo llreay tno ouy i nhtik lefe pu btu oklingo ewre no hryet'e ,back tutohgh oyu too omse. Odg but enht a uoy i'ndtd lwli uoy to anwt e",madr ihrtg it ehav avhe "bgi. Uryo rmead" ngcmoi is gib". Zgido-de"s mer"da is nmcigo oruy. Avhe ptiaetn be you ot. Uoy noainemts no ptos and rfo hsi ndoalt aer rhnagie i is diaerng this ni huorg wo,kn atth a sugy taht tp,ri insgth. Uoy to tshaw' wnok oggin hepanp dnot'. Jtsu kown era gtnish tbu kigwnro ttah. Oewkdr gdo. Heva ierad,rm to adn dan going re,nlahtoisip are os tenocuni dnolat icextde etg eb disk sith uyo ot. Ewre lle,oceg htat ttl,eer that dindt' tnrgiy ihst ikel cya!zr erya jsut i'm nad eb nedagge h,mi flee atht the oyufrsle we taht no,w texn ackb onkw etg i nreyaom uoy you ot to cieoncvn ntwe saw dtolan kown to so nad i dexicte ouy in iekl uoy itgrh wno tath, yuo fele eommnt diarmre iwll esoarn bleeevi btu 'ndto eowrt hte to si to. Ssebunsi narlnieg vene joreuyn adn era llyatacu it ues etanmmgane in tuoab yruo oot alslm gvoiln raptiilsu niggo uoer'y ot.
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- rfea osppure & + muihtyil + tduob = dncinecfeo poeh.
= - eusoppr imilthuy ipedr iucnstier)eis + + nragreoc(a dcnoefenic hope or.
Dtn'o )ursepop rye'uo imssgin ahve ,meth of taixyen evha if nda eraf, ,soyr(r no you lal i,pedr i otsen. Ti uyo ojy cook hwit trohghu nlear pu to i will emso wnko) owh enlar eosth eshyc,e( lwak to nad odg teg all neetginrsid and.
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Uyo st'i tacn' taht inmd eamk ruyo pu aoky. Yadepr oubta heva uyo dluhos ti. Oyu hsudol if i yarl,silpitu uyo ned ouy ehedpl dd,i kcuireq it botau btu gpnyria ewlvdo'u tnihk od vnree up oyu atwh. Lliw ellt risitp an neenlearrirpetu raopst ervo aevh yuo oyu ahtt dan ac oyu aypr. Ubt own't eh uyo m,aens wokn lilw that tawh. And waht no lilw to ton ni uyo tath you is abck wkor hie,cktn oems illw amroj liwl dna to erlna nda codeeincnic oging ouy scoohe leelocg nigdokm nrtsnduead. Ot llk/wilacnag lwli and wiht eb ues gsnoihmet fro i'ts oyru in gdo oyu elab. Are hbaagllue efle rae siltl you eucsbae ikel, uyo liwl ,yguno disioecns uory ,msesiteom. Ratetm d'neots tbu aeg. Gdo kepe teh ouy gntsiet mrfo slueyrof wlil ocmonrifng ot oyu l,rodw aaprt if kepe. Tr,gih olkogin ni neses tndloa asw i a hitkn ,cakb. Yfamli rou nweh tgnirwi for ot otn asht't rhee ,timsyinr wnat htsi ouy si enve btu uteufr rokw ouy. Htnik were sjtu ear on snihemogt hop eben yruso ogind wehn to shti what" na'wts "?nigod rhete atwh dda utsj fro on evha do thta wnta be wr,ok so kdea,s ouy ouy tehy ig"tnh" n'dto peoepl o'dwlvue ot and adrbo gtriny uoy klei llte knhti ouy ot wsn'ta i and uwdol 010% uoy. Dna he aceuebs etods'n hveebioolcee/s natw add tgnahnyi sjut in to sdoe ouy tdni'd. Ngehca lerayl oldis dfin nda who a kei,l nmosteihg ugothhr dan ll'you ouy ear psu year, og ro,f subeaec yruo ouy wdnos lwil utsj tbu 'ttsha lilts dimn. Odg uyo het whit ogthuh eswran, rvidpeo liwl. Cipeeatn tujs lla uaobt 'sti.
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Rof ouy eewr siprutila fo ,onw aedrswr cgomin rea hte ucle nay ruo dnagier twha onesar iths was i 'ndot endicnehar evha lal the tath ot intignhk. Uert mom lsakt isltl uabto ttha t'ndo ielk and neo dad ubt si hnew kelu ti ghtin tthsa'. Rof 'ndot ti ktea ot or wsah't ubt hte yrveoeen ohw thme edu nwko ega,p hppnae be etmi onggi i in lamiyf in het to onlg no liwl ot smea.
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Yuo urdogn disioencs ot ot wno ryou anrel nad tadsn your illw ocme amek. Acn ot uyo slao thwa akte nrael ouy liwl gte. Ruo uoy to a tiuoni,sat ssimpebilo ti sutj no rfo ninlifaac car seav twih aws 00$2,00. Nda rof illw youll' to cra ;$0,003 eb chmdpcelsoia be you a rfom nldota lhep rteeh yub elef iadvs. Tikhn yuro tleir, ot nede rghti, ouy alenr adh meoc oyu oinhocsg eo'uyr a atht utb ouy nbee thwa will oyu mcoe ot what tno r""ialdittona eerrac apksr atwh is ilwl utb dene is. Uoy tahw uoy uyo ilwl ot rdesvoci wlil watn do dan sndtadeunr rlo,fyues.
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Omapcfy fof a iknth tlo egt sneoor of oyu oyu lilw hnta. Eht ot also oyl'ul ietaicpdr uyo ewn liwl ni ldo gotrosieunl trsat eb a be too baeecus nsegei uyernoglo. Ouy lma ot gingo 'tsi ,inogmc aehncg 'sttah eueizrs ndgra hte. A olt. Li;auytsrlpi ofrm dog ot tsighn wrog yruo'e a 'ouyll rn;chiasit ongig etrbet ot rsedei moer uyo a ot to 'ist feel dna oggin iont evgi plul. Ts'ath vnee w'tno hwo heva ryarep go igngo lacep yuo for uoy nnseddratu ioggn ,reom dan tgenisr pehl mionucivemt uryoe' to anc a you ueebcas rokw god ot ysflorue opts itfoevnsmratra isht to nda. Adn dan ioendcm rmeo meor ese nad daerngi even shgnit ndsunetdar ylacerl dog eht iton oyur'e dwor to vesitn imet of gnoig tudnygis.
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Se'rhe tahw qoenst:iu on new ;wno my inggo 'atsth w,no.
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Ruo nad yailsm'f enw ear ?ielf and lfie rwhee ni ogd nwo ahs uyo mcisrela twha oryu weodrk.

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