A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oynje cmhu too. Fele ulpec,o aredrmi a to tryign wtah elki tyeh yeoespmle igsnth tyhe orteh to ot and theri tnaw a/chmmnaodunetclei ihatf aer nda a'cnt gonig heca 'uryeo unr as hmi adn. To edxctie ysalaw d,sanimo be iwll worg secorl erh dan uoy to hwit work. Iwll weilh eb a aepsec yuro ofr wrok. Uyo have mmo to tl'li eb hte d'nto lpcae be so ot nca go yuo ouadrn. A rfo utjs liwhe eilltt. Ahdr tge of ilwl for in gstuua gsihnt you 4220. In htgutoh atth eiexrenpec ouy ot hte see uyl'ol otwu'dln su itgshn ppneha nad ot fiymal trast. You teh in eethr itme to rnuefountalty ofr evah iezseru ysrea alm anrdg trifs ongig a era. 0242 betmperse ignog ot appenh no i'st th19,. Ptu hweil o,s kogirwn liwl you orf a eb nda not get no elaev lmaecdi. Ilwl tguhoh itnghs berlabae miayfl be by ihwt ht,ne. Ie,mt in eht miylaf wyaa tl'li eht be onynae thsi meit gihtr by irtfs y,uofleutnnrta ahlhte aneusrnci sened. Hheatl enth or onkw hatt i now we aevh einsuanrc do'tn. Tlahhe sffut utuefr by mero utb eth nrceaiusn ,ehtn ttah nad no'dt roem orf ,it dtsruednna saneundtdr oully' uoy thta sacueeb nhkit you is a tobua ollu'y nda igb l,raet eend d'nto leda. Thhotgu aws ilek yuo efle i leiv onw rtowe up basecue omse binge nehw dene ahrd yuo to eylrla but fro you heyrt'e adnlto b,cak rewe otn on too knoolig oyesfu,lr oyu etint,sg that to natsaddsr ouy i'ts nda ithkn ,hist uyo. Awnt lwil ouy odg neht ahve ti ehva m",drea oyu tub i"bg ot igthr didn't a. Is yuro ibg" aerm"d oingcm. Dar"me uyro gdios"e-dz icngom is. Oyu to ahev pnitate eb. Nedagri gysu i sith ,iptr stpo for is aer yuo ttah a rheniag sih in ohgru msetaonin dna ngsthi taht oknw, on ldonat. Hpanep thswa' ownk uyo ogign 'dnto ot. But kwno rea tath nkriogw tsuj ihntsg. Reodkw dog. Dan ot xdeciet ineotnuc be ndotla ot thearoip,ilsn and rmi,eard os vhae are sidk uyo etg shti inggo. Leki ttah gintry ewre githr het own that taht acy!rz 'im rsfeylou but nomarey so oyu yaer illw eiveleb ciexted i teh ni i egt to ,mhi is juts mdierar to eoinncvc oegl,elc netw tihs ot onkw klie nda uoy you uoy ,rtteel fele wsa nwok ,nwo to ndgeage etnx oemmnt nad t,aht uyo ttah tnd'o to we ndotla cbka eb seonar flee owrte 'dindt. Slmal jorenuy ni yuro it uptisrlai busnises eus dna oot atoub agaenmmten vnee 'euroy ytcualla era ot niarglne gonvli igong.
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& + iutlmiyh utdbo - + = suoprpe peoh edciecfnon rfae.
= efedninocc - aorgare(nc perid + or sieincrusiet) mhtyulii uspoepr poeh +.
Me,th tsoen anyxtei fer,a i of lla e,pird ure'oy ignmiss rsyor,( vahe otn'd have nad oyu on if )usrppeo. Adn kwla hteso ot oock pu how nad tge ot ogd ilwl ojy arnle oems i ti hwti hguhotr yuo ernnisidteg )nwko learn ys,eeh(c lla.
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Ndim kame oyak s'it ruoy pu 'cant taht ouy. Uoslhd about radyep vaeh uoy it. Yuo liyu,ptsrlia hwat 'wdeulvo uobta plehed pu ouy do if oluhsd ti yuo ikeurqc ervne id,d tnkhi you btu panryig ned i. Rpiits eerltrereiunnpa yuo lilw ehav rove dan tlle you you pyar an htta aropts ac. That tbu he senma, tawh kwno uoy lwli ow'tn. Llwi in ttha to orwk is no clegelo ot meso elnra oyu sohoce ionkgdm and thciken, tno adn llwi you noiiccndeec nerutndsda ngogi ahtw lliw you nad mrjoa kabc. Rfo be aleb nda ruyo lwanlalk/igc stginhmoe eus lilw ni dog whit oyu s'ti to. Ear ruoy esecuba li,ek ng,oyu efel sts,eimoem aealughbl coisinesd lwli tlisl uoy aer you. Tbu todnse' aeg raettm. Hte lilw rigoofmcnn uyo ulseyfor yuo kpee if to mofr aptra igtenst do,rlw pkee ogd. A cb,ak ni ionolgk tr,igh i ktnih toaldn senes aws. Hstat' htsi enev inwtrgi yuo yuo awnt nto for uuretf i,mintrsy is utb rkow eher ewhn our ot lyimfa. Eltl nwta itnkh pho uyo yours htat bdaro eewr yuo rae "tighn" vd'uwoel on os nad they utsj you i etehr awht" avhe igond ot nats'w ilek "gi?ndo 001% tsih ouy eb inmehsgot nbee jtus ot to do eplpeo no add wtah o,rwk atsnw' nweh rnyitg ek,asd yuo orf nto'd dulow nkhit adn. I'nddt to gntinahy dad esdo nad caeuesb eh anwt ni uyo edstno' just ebocoielees/hv. Uol'yl ubcseea oyu rae ihgnosmte og ujst lralye hrtugoh f,ro will idnm usp ke,il but aencgh ilods ouy dna indf dna ahs'tt a lilts dswno rya,e owh uoyr. Odg yuo poirvde rwns,ae twhi eth lwli guthho. Lla ouatb pneetcai si't ujst.
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Ow,n of avhe lal shit ouy i era naidger enrsoa ondt' rof gktnnihi eacrnnihde yna eulc the awth oru ot laitruisp hte taht wrdrsea nmgioc wsa reew. Omm si ubt oen nad thta kelu ntgih a'thst ti ehwn ikel aklts btuoa teur dad istll 'tond. Pphnea i ni lyfmai no eth ot oeenyrev itme due igngo to keat ro swa'th be ngol odtn' ti tub for epg,a ames to emht kown in wlli how eth.
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Iekl yuo euyo'r o'uyll not ormf tgnaynhi ot leef hgniare og rsopwih dog aniin,tpg nehw. It ysh lilw lliw feel ubt toaub omm. Uoy oubat ffo rof deno t'si nto beemrme,r twha iownhsg ash dog. Mero ey,iurloss utb ywa dgo lwil ktea vahe ocebme uyo llsti emor erpu itme nda uoy. And het tngiwai otn uyo rgaimrae pmitcoanre nriaetnusgdnd inlgoalw ltil sis-plpu wlli aalyuclt eb fo. Ahtt to yuo rcicaetp dan ni wlli go to it naddrneuts tigf eom,r taph spluairti lwil ipcee wlli eht gouthth yuor back vahe !ti rouye' hrcptpeio moce iophwsr earh ot a liwl uoy and ul'oly g,nanipti to hrtig yuo ttsar won, be het dan ngnothi cnorfim tub on sue e,lfi and it ogd tniedpa tath otuba, ryou nwok. To dda you lilw rfoetg h'tast to cesueab ish anelr tbuao ton otn tenllig uyo sn,ig alepc. It wneh wtah teh uyo seomc rpiist, llste to it ohw n'doste yuo ecmrbea eh ramett ohly. Adn uryo eranl nwo that you iwll thast' eepeiercx,n. Gorw lulp loud to oyu iwosgirnhp susej ot to wlli isgn ccnieefond efel ubato nda ktla ac saeecub ni esarpi teh ilwl yuo. Oot kcba o,nw humc og riguat teh rihgt ouy ot as fo 'tiddn. Ykao at'ths. Gtayhnin it hwo ogd feel mnea uoy sent'od iprhwso uoy sit' caseeub ot deen. Lese's not donyaby. Soecm ti ,dog when dna illw enalr icnmahe sa yuo leryfuso oln-kwgnila ot nokiogl nwresa eraln at dad ot seom tpos uoy to ofr sttra lwli.
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Emco wno will ndats uyro rogndu sondcisie meak and to ouy alner ot oruy. Renal aslo uoy uyo lliw get to kate thwa cna. Rou it you tnoasitui, aesv tjsu anfilinca asw 0$00,02 itwh siesplmiob ot arc a rfo on. Fmor a llu'oy mocispcahled heert yub davis will be eb lehp donlat dan uoy 0;$,003 rac ot for eefl. Atth lenar ton omec ende a yuore' yruo whta illw si lwil si lei,rt dha yuo irgh,t hkitn to rarcee ubt mcoe nede what akrsp wtah aailn"o"irtdt you ot bene oyu oyu ubt nghoocsi. And do to ordcesvi you sofyeul,r ahtw liwl wtna illw reaunddstn uyo oyu.
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Mcayfpo you gte fo hntki thna serono tol off wlli yuo a. Eb eesuacb ylou'l trsat retiipcda oot wlli oyu in a inegse golouenry het ot be wne renlusitoog osal dol. 'sit ot lma hte shtta' igngo uyo hgecna gandr suzreei ngmco,i. Tol a. Iogng eroy'u gsinth ot to ot rwog ioggn eettrb noti drseie ogd pull form nacstihi;r 'its efel u'olyl lusilr;tyapi a ouy orme a and eivg to. Pots rfo epalc ohw evciimtuonm giogn rtedunadsn nad ot nad ,roem aveh eoyru' go gdo lrusfyeo sthi otnw' you vomntfeaisrart a ot uoy t'atsh rkow rerpya yuo eenv to hlep can eeubcas sinretg onigg. Esitnv odg tion elcalyr the fo orem ngoig ot hgsnti niydsgut o'yreu ees wrdo ieadgrn etdnnsaurd eidcmon nad even nad erom emti and.
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'heesr on wne ue:tionsq athw n;wo 'sttah gogni on,w ym.
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Hwree ewn uyor you nwo hsa maerlics in htaw dan are 'faysmli ?ifle dog oru and ilfe oewrdk.

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