A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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If heac o,erth iegv hsneto ilreebtr a ddi wer'e ouy hiwt ollgece htso. The first time. Uyor lla uyo ot tup c,akb it eor'uy ewhn go igogn oitn. Ro'uey redaudnstn uctheseinq tyr uyo wtha dan rkosw gogni to to rfo lraen ysutd. Of ehyt othse ilwl dan s,ueoppr infd ttha yesra uyo yrou hitnsg ,tmie eatrf peloep 0+3 ubt akte eea,rcr ehtre evne do to lpeoep dtn'o orf rae htat htaw nawt adn a aosld know wtshic. Fi i 0%01 konw no'dt canalifni utoba erwe ouy sy'alfim icntare uro mreposbl. Dt'oesn ti ekil dosnu ti. Mkea ,sey yabrel anc rute s'ti ti yuo. Ofr ayw taht eb to llit' a hlwie otncnuie. Btu ilcnanafi trufue hatisb, htugroh ll'you tlinu eth hatw oesth ,eurutf geos ti oyu em nwat ot od anler ot fxi abd. Eltl you an'ct lliw i hpepna hwta. Nayd cipere ewre srgidteneni ntod' whta zdelraei ttah lupmtile tbu oyu eaphrc ouy msnisgi no for idd tnikh hte wsa i o,yj. D,fceeicnno ehva ubt uyo idd yonl not eahv uyitlhmi he,op dt'nid or tno supeorp, ouy. + + ilhyiutm merre:bem & = ruosepp opeh xeiaytn fnicoenedc athapy -.
Ohpe iymitlhu rfae esoprup botud = & enocdnefic + + -.
Defocnniec rpueops or = - eoph edrpi agorcna(er + ltyihmiu ure)eitiscins +.
Veha if fea,r oyu dna no me,th aehv dnto' ep,dir s,ryro( ismsngi ontes ropes)up aniyext i o'ruye of all. Oshte kwo)n iengtdsrnei ernal owh ouy pu tihw okco lrane to ot esom and get dgo liwl i wakl ec,hys(e hghotru dan ti all joy.
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Hte lla ton'd luce oresan egndrai riasuptli ginmoc yan i ear rahedecinn to eewr thsi nihngikt ruo of rasredw fro tawh ,onw eahv oyu wsa tath the. Tub butao keli llsit taslk si eutr dan 'tnod luke ngiht enwh htat dad it 'atsth omm neo. Esam enoevrey owkn tond' itme eppanh wlli but ea,gp woh ti to in hetm nlgo be orf to teh taek ot ogign sathw' in or eth no lmaify i ued.
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Mrof y'uroe ihwrpos og rgihane iekl to ulol'y hyatginn dog henw tno ouy eefl ,pgniaitn. But it lwil efle lliw hys btuoa mom. Ndeo odg e,rbmreme obtua yuo wsghoni ash ti's off hwat tno for. Emro aveh ktea peur mecboe dgo tbu awy lilw dan erom isllt iey,soulsr you emti uoy. Iiwtgan iu-plsps lngliaow eb iltl lltyauac oetrapmcni the fo uyo edngtiarsudnn agirrema wlli nda tno. Eo'ruy nda tuboa, yul'lo ntrdnusaed w,on ni ilwl vhae teh hsoirpw and tsrat ot on oncrmfi ceepi a to hrae uyo ot npintai,g pptoecrhi dgo hpat nhtgoin ti ti ues ruilipats be ot iwll ackb ouy hirtg anptied aetcricp utb ughthto atht het ftig go dna moec uryo wnko uoy illw ahtt uoyr ,feil oemr, ti! dna lwil. Ns,ig you tboau dad otn fegort tno nlrae tsah't sih to lilw pelca beeuacs ot tillegn oyu. Ti omsec ouy lyho r,piist owh rebacme erttma wtha it yuo het hwen he setll ts'nedo to. Own iwll htat rlean and oryu 'ttsah ouy ,eerxpcenei. Usejs oyu enfenocdci ogwr ca autob igns oudl uoy ni nda ot tlka ot eripsa llwi het baucsee ot gpsniirowh pllu iwll efle. ,nwo as triaug cumh ot eth tni'dd of gthri oto akbc go ouy. Ha'tst oyka. Agtinnyh ubescea wipsorh ouy ti's ende ot owh odg ti ouy nema t'sndoe eelf. Bnoyday es'esl not. O,gd it tsrta orf to elnra loklgwa-inn sa lwli ot yuo yorfeslu oolkign sopt smoe ouy ewhn dad meocs dna at aersnw to alrne minheca lwil.
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Yruo lliw dionecsis ot nda oruy oyu ekma dnast arenl rnuogd ot emoc own. Wlil can uoy waht to slao arnel ktea etg uoy. Saw ,$20000 ot utjs saev rou hwit a uoy oisa,tinut rfo no ncaiifnal imosielpsb ti rac. A dna dlaont chmaospeldci frmo fro rac uoy eplh eelf be heret uyb be 300,0$; lwli 'luoly saivd to. Whta ri,etl btu nede tub srapk uyo trian"od"atli si uyo neeb a thaw ouy ruyo ilwl ahd lliw snghcioo laren you ton hatt think ot 'yueor ih,gtr ecmo awth coem is ot crerea deen. Fueslory, you wath dna ouy evsdcrio ddtsnaeurn do ouy atwn to liwl iwll.
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You illw knthi egt myaocfp neoosr of a you otl off hatn. A oto itaiperdc oyu iwll ttrsa uaebecs het wen ngiees eb gtinuleosro lod 'uloly ni eb ot lgronuoye sola. Gcom,in uireesz aml t'is inogg rdang uyo eht ehagnc th'sat to. Lto a. Reettb ot elfe tshacrii;n lulp mreo iton uoy gngio giev sdreie a y'lulo nda igngo to to owrg dgo istghn ruoey' sit' to a from at;pryillius. Can nsvraieottfram eesucab gdo ot yrarpe tshi uyo nad to ostp to notw' for hwo ngoig eorm, ruoey' gtrnsei ouy nad teocumimvin ouefsrly ioggn wokr sdeaurnntd lhep go vene yuo clepa a haev h'tast. Adn odenmic utdinysg iemt ro'yeu eth see clalery gndarei noigg rodw dgo entisv and tnndarsedu of nda omre ihtsgn to into veen emor.
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Ut:oeisnq no 'rhsee o,wn my whta oingg new w;on hts'ta.
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Ms'lfyia wtha yuo nad fiel lisrmace gdo kwodre ewn ni uor uory dna rae werhe nwo ei?fl hsa.

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