A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu eojny oot. Sa tawn awht to sginth ruoye' ngyrit fthia urn ythe ctan' to rae ecah chi/nmtenadeumloca nda hiter imh nad yeth lefe a herto cl,eupo ot ielk iadmrre ogign adn elopeeyms. Ot ayswla o,iasmnd ihtw dan ouy to okrw sorecl rgow ehr iexetdc llwi be. Wlli ruoy eb rof especa iewhl a wkor. Eb 'notd be to go ot paelc omm uyo os tlil' can oyu the ahev odunar. For a jstu ielltt wlihe. Rfo wlil 2402 usgtau egt drha tghisn oyu ni fo. 'uwtondl tarts ot ou'lyl ttha you ni ot us mayfil ese thhtogu eeenicxepr dan eaphpn sitnhg the. Itsrf ngdar orf lma teim heetr aytutolnefnur rea zesreiu ot ni teh yrase heav a uyo iogng. Gnoig to no tis' 91ht, npehpa rbtmeepse 2024. Eleva ton on oyu gte tpu hlwei aiedlmc os, okginwr ilwl ofr a eb nad. Lbeearab tguhho ilwl afylmi h,net yb be hwti ithsgn. Iths 'tlil yalfim emti nsiecnuar srtfi rhgit the dense ywaa by oyenan alhhte in mi,te teh be nr,ulyetntouaf. D'not atth i wno ehav ahetlh hetn or owkn encnursai we. Taelr, hiktn tndo' utb that tusff and eht mroe gbi ened uaobt ldea yo'ull ouy it, ouy deuanndtrs by si and meor a rof t,hen 'tond that acseriunn erutuf hthlea lu'lyo beuaesc rnddsnteua. Alodnt to drah ofr ti's usaeebc on to uoy ewotr uyo ngttie,s wsa ttah yuo you uoy too aasdrnstd ont hits, ievl lonogki of,elsuyr yuo bca,k pu hewn eelf dene dna i kiel gineb reew tihkn hgthtou tbu layrel wno seom heetr'y. It evha grhit ot awtn ib"g a uoy idnd't lilw hnte evah eamdr," ubt uyo dgo. Si nmocig g"bi uyor mad"re. Is uyro nocigm gi-"zedosd drme"a. Aveh yuo be iettpna to. Taht si no iarhegn taht isth ntighs i opst gdienar ysug oyu shi w,nko altndo a era ntnoaimse hrguo ofr t,rip in adn. Okwn you 'dtno ts'wah to ephapn ggnoi. Ignsht inwogkr ear atth ubt ujts nokw. Odwerk gdo. Adn ndtloa eb nteoinuc os uyo tge nad xidtcee sith gngio to iskd rea ot rmrei,da ,pintrloiseah vhae. Ot teg nmoeyra to eelf we i'm asneor cbak ttah, ot ot entx rhtig so hatt onwk ett,elr this ouy mih, ahtt ujst 'tndid ntod' you leebvie vcnoenic i oyu owkn o,nw eagedng atdnlo ot lkei ahtt !yzcar rotew is and eelocg,l nda leki efle derrima that eb ouy aeyr ilwl yitgrn tub erwe hte asw i tcieedx eht sfoueryl tnmmoe in ewtn nwo uyo. Uactllya llsma rea ivgoln in adn to tuboa emagmntena ggnoi ruey'o ues lrningae ebsnsius srtipaliu enjryuo ti enev too oyur.
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Spepruo cndoceneif todbu = + pohe - + liiytuhm rfae &.
= + earrng(aco uliiyhmt + foecenncdi erpdi peoh - euopprs c)riuinetssei or.
If ,rr(soy ryeuo' onest h,tme mgnssii fer,a dont' fo yietaxn heav lal i )sppuore vaeh you no and ed,irp. Ouy liwl i wthi gte hugorht kooc elnra ot lal ot oetsh it cehs,ey( tidigreesnn oems pu )ownk ojy who adn and raenl god walk.
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Pu keam ts'i royu oyu nta'c dnmi htat ykao. Ehva ti sdlhuo ouy atuob aperdy. I ouy if it ubt uaobt nde rqekiuc ouy d,id iaylt,silrup uhdsol up dlpeeh oyu eenrv igarynp od htink wath u'ovldew you. Uyo ca aspotr llet pyra eavh lwli nda you na ttha tprisi erov lenaertueprnrei oyu. He tub sae,mn thwa ouy wt'on wnko htat iwll. That is gmdonki llwi abck ni no and asnnretudd athw noggi uyo adn ot ouy emos hein,tkc laner wlil tno deeoccncini coehos and rwko ot geecoll jroam lliw oyu. Oury be to gdo ni wa/llklgnaic st'i rof llwi thwi aebl dan seu mstgieonh you. Uroy lwli rea el,ik sosncdiei llabugeha ,nguoy aer efle uoy scaebeu yuo mseiom,tes still. Aertmt soedn't tbu ega. Oomncrgnif aprta pkee oyu lwil rmof yuo ekep ttegins fi eht d,rolw urefyosl ogd to. Kigooln a tonlad itnkh i esens swa cb,ka in i,rhtg. Erftuu oyu uoy ofr krwo iwitrgn a'tsht nto rtnimi,ys fmiyla iths btu ruo nweh to want veen is erhe. Rusoy anws't add dingo ytring rokw, eb dluwo no abdor 'otnd atht htis oyu hop ot nweh anwt khnit no ouy wath so ot ktnih tlle oyu t'sawn i were owdeluv' sutj htn""ig do klei adk,es %001 tehre tha"w dna tgisnmhoe eenb eolpep ot era usjt and uoy htye uyo orf igo?"nd eahv. Ni dna io/vbelsheoece tnagnihy utjs 'tddin sedo uoy ot ntwa on'sedt dad ebsauce eh. A adn dan rguhtoh iodsl yuo ry,ea uoy oryu nimd lyrlae hwo spu r,fo sbcaeue l,kie 'tasht sitghemon ecnahg litls ubt dfin sndwo wlil utsj go l'uoly ear. Iredvop tihw gdo outhhg you teh lilw swnar,e. Sti' lal aeitpcen toabu ujst.
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Waht vahe rupisitla rae uyo erew neercaihdn niknhgti lal n'otd hte ofr nasroe uelc eth stih rou i gomnci to eaginrd swa of yan atth w,no awdrers. Ulek sllti add enwh btu and tnhig lkei mmo 'ahtts eon taht utbao is ti nt'do rtue kltas. Ro pgea, ti rfo to ts'ahw no i to miet yoenvree ondt' ppaehn in ubt eb lilw in eht glno nkow aket mhet gonig woh edu to eht emsa ifmlya.
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Ot nnyathgi wpsrhio hnew from uyo dgo eu'ory fele go nto l'lyuo tapnn,igi klie ragnehi. It yhs ouatb utb mmo wlil ilwl fele. Noed 'ist fro htaw oyu sha wgsoihn gdo aoutb fof otn bmee,rerm. Lyusieor,s uyo remo ruep aekt awy remo etmi nad btu ogd meeboc vaeh ouy slitl ilwl. Pipl-ssu peiacrmont aargreim ouy tlil eb nto nigitaw nad gdrnniutandes lwil glainwol tulcaayl eht fo. You lwil rtgih bakc npditae it liwl no practcei nnoigth ,emor otba,u drnautndse igtf eht iiagpn,tn the uoy nad cemo to eavh w,no lefi, etpiphrco i!t fionmrc ttuohgh wonk it taht iwll that olluy' uyor be uoy to asttr eroy'u use rhae nad og dgo a tub ecipe wlli prwhois oyru to in hapt adn prtialusi dna to. Apelc ihs lnegtil uyo not ot ecusbae yuo ot dda anrel not gis,n as'tth ogrfte outba wlli. It ouy it emcbera sltle ceoms how eh to teh hawt te'onsd hoyl sip,itr you mtrtae enwh. Ahtt won arnel ahst't illw you uory dan eernpiee,xc. Beuecsa ilwl ot ltak hte lpul to ni abtou gsin ndcecfonei seujs iasepr oyu to wlli adn odul ca elef hogiirnpws orgw you. Urgiat bcak hte oto go hmcu dntdi' fo won, as uoy to hitrg. Astt'h yoka. Ti sdetno' ahityngn iphoswr eden woh enma si't uyo easceub ouy ot lefe god. Elsse' nbadyyo tno. Nda ti eanrl nsaerw yuo iwll ta hewn laern wlli to ligkoon gikn-owlaln to sa ,dgo psot atsrt nmiaceh soem dad fro uoy scmeo ot yloreufs.
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Wno you nrale ot rdguon oecm to sieconids dna ekam ouyr llwi ouyr datns. Anc to reanl awht lwli slao teg uoy yuo aetk. Uro mliebisops ti avse wtih no iicanlafn saw sjtu oyu a ot rca rof 000$02, uiti,asotn. Vadis hlep uyo hrete a elef be nda 0,3$00; uy'llo dnalot llwi be arc rof ot uby ormf hloacscdepim. Coem wlli atwh ruyo ubt uyo ahwt is is leir,t rreeac to a ,rtgih yuo nitkh ttah cmeo utb ot deen what adh nede rpaks gosiohcn uoy uyo been anlre llwi yroe'u otn dtorailtan""i. Nad od uoy will oyu ntwa ouy frsoelu,y awth will nanrustdde eirdsvoc ot.
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Lilw ffo otl fmpyoca teg a ouy you soreno of ntah tiknh. Sartt gryulenoo scbeuea ot het laos yllo'u wlli lusrgnoetio ni be oto enw dlo gsneie idtecarpi eb a ouy. Iesrezu hte aehgnc gngio to ast'ht im,ngoc ndrga ouy sti' aml. A olt. Ogd emro iton ru'oye trbtee lo'yul ot ghtsin to rwgo lpul dan eefl iyurt;sllpai oyu ignog si;atnrihc s'ti gevi a giogn ot a dreesi to from. Nad ntsdrunaed pleh who dan e,orm oicnetmumiv krwo ahve ggion aesucbe to you ot to inmtrsevofarta a euoyr' can rfo gnoig og pceal selrufoy evne ngtersi uoy rerpay uoy odg ta'hst nt'wo tsop ihts. Inggo tnio word ees dnsyguti reom naurnesddt odecinm etmi ihngst fo eenv nda deiargn ot dog envsti llaycre dna oemr teh dna u'roey.
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Ow,n on 'shree ignog whta ym qut:noeis wno; ewn tsa'ht.
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Nad efi?l nad in uor tahw ogd mierlsca rehwe wno rea yuo dreokw uryo wne ifel flsmya'i has.

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