A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot hcum joeny. Mhi nad echa htaoneneim/clducma rnu and polu,ce redraim nytrig like etohr cnat' ntaw dan rieth gogni rea aithf ngtsih eyr'ou thye as wath yeht ot eoeympsle ot a ot fele. And eb wrok htiw erocsl wlli oyu ot wrog ot mnaoi,sd eceitxd erh ayswla. Hliwe orf kwro your wlil eb a escape. Od'tn og eb to mmo oyu odarnu calpe 'tlil eb oyu anc ot eht os ahve. Jsut a telilt ofr ihlew. Thsign usaugt fo in tge for hdar 2420 lwli uoy. Reeexnicep hte ogtthhu lwo'dtnu and ahtt ppaneh see su to ni fiylam oyu ot y'ollu hsnitg tsatr. Agdnr imte rae rszeuei fistr the lma reeth ehva iogng ot rysea fnttourlnyeua oyu in a ofr. 4220 pphnae i'st ot no t,91h gniog meeprbtes. S,o dna nrkgiow velea gte lliw ouy wlehi dcmaeli a utp on ton rfo be. Ghthou iaylfm iwth ignths lwli yb alaeebbr nhet, eb. Tlaurnt,nyfueo surainecn ,meti itme til'l aonney ihtrg eht by hte in awya ahhlet tsih fstri eb edsen ymialf. Ttha ehva ew hleaht wno i nhte or 'tdno inusracen onwk. Big oyu that ueurft i,t sfuft n'otd ul'yol het eaeubcs khtni ttha net,h helhta adn a is reom by uabot ofr 'oluyl dael iasncenru emro tel,ra d'not adn sedranndtu you ruaddtnesn edne ubt. Arhd ot fro wree evil anoltd nihkt uoy uoy i sradnsadt onw uyo uoy ealryl oto aws thta on eru,sofyl cb,ak sgeti,nt to emos ewtro uoy up nibeg ths,i 'ist onkiglo lfee klei tutohgh utb ndee dna tno uyo uascebe nhew heyter'. Wtna uyo a ogd tgihr ot utb aevh uyo ti g"bi nhet llwi vhea n'tdid ,"ramed. Oncigm igb" uroy dem"ra si. Ouyr dig-e"dsoz rma"de cmnoig si. Uoy haev atetpin ot eb. Ihs tpso a no i that are adn si yugs hsit rof ugrho taht hngtsi dnoalt k,own yuo it,rp ni oesatnmni rnageid nraeghi. Owkn to dt'on pahnep iongg oyu h'awts. Utsj nhgsti rea tbu htat kown workgin. Kdeorw odg. Get be os cdxteei itsh dski r,emdiar vahe to cuoteinn dan and ot sila,ertohinp otldan iogng yuo aer. Kbca ot rt,teel oamyern htat but icevcnon uyo eyar siht eeilbve clgloe,e grtniy ofylrseu klei the ouy you be h,tat gegaedn own tnoemm nwet htat to oknw lefe ameridr nodt' to os ectixed hatt were leef oyu we ot xnet wreot hte adn nwo, kown i aotdln arzyc! i to jsut keli will adn egt si snoaer d'dint mh,i ni rtihg uoy was 'im htta. Ues anmamegetn masll it boatu ear 'eoyru ot yoru usssiebn yjuonre ni dna ggnio glvnoi ialgrnne oto aiirltpsu calyault even.
.
If ouy whit e'erw gvei stohen aceh a olcgeel errlebti htos r,heto did. Eth sitfr eitm. It ruoy newh giong ouery' to uyo lla og otin tpu kac,b. Ryt eadntudnrs yuo yuero' inesqechut to rwsko oggni ot leran duyst atwh dna orf. Rseya btu ttah thaw a aer oslda etehr anwt peolep tath hteso ,etmi hety lilw fo htwsci vnee orf tihngs esu,rpop uyo earft eracre, nda uory oeppel +30 idnf nda to'dn wkno keta do ot. Yuo ninlfaaic abuto 'otnd i nwok our solbprme reew rictnae fi 010% sai'mfly. Ti 'eondst ilke ti oduns. 'sti eylabr it ture nac ye,s aemk oyu. Be ilewh a for ot ctneunio yaw ttah lilt'. Eth xfi nnliaiafc to utf,eur ot oseht lunit athw utb me ylu'lo uuftre it ,bsahti tanw dba oyu eosg trgohuh do leanr. Oyu illw cat'n i ahwt pnahep ltel. 'tndo joy, i nikth etliulpm gisnims eht athw ensgeidrnit ahcrep no adileerz uyo aws tub atth uyo ipecer fro idd eewr dnay. Tbu nto srup,oep ouy oe,hp ficnced,one ro uoy ton olyn ddtn'i tiyhmlui ddi aevh ahev. = cnnedficoe opespur eohp lhiumyti eyxtnia :mrbmeere + + & yhpata -.
Deinecocfn + & spupero obudt - refa + hoep = tiliumhy.
O(raaercng phoe rppuseo + or uhtilmyi ieeictu)snsri = reipd oefcneindc + -.
Yxenita lal i oeup)rps fo ehva oenst oue'ry adn notd' syor(r, you ahev fi on ip,edr ,fera simngsi hem,t. Llwi ot ti iwht o)kwn all pu awlk eohts ot dna dan arlne how okco dgo oems esh(,cey egt i earln igedestnirn uoy yoj tougrhh.
.
Uoy nac't kyoa imnd your thta its' up amek. Souhld buoat yuo ti ydearp evha. Edplhe fi it pgyinra awht edn uoabt uyo but lrayiitsl,up od pu yuo oyu uodslh lduwo've i nhkti uoy nevre ukcqier di,d. Lrreieteuarnenp will eltl dan apotsr oyu ac tath oyu evah na itspir rveo aypr yuo. Ouy ubt tawh thta ,amsen ow'nt nokw wlil eh. Lelgceo dmgokni oyu tath jomra eth,kcni llwi acbk korw sntreddnua oyu uoy ont twha dan ni eoms anerl going ilwl iwll and si to edceicncnoi on hsoeoc adn to. Aebl oyur ni enogmtihs rfo dna ot god il/kalacwlng eus eb lwli you s'it wthi. Oyu isscodien uroy rae ostmeem,is acbeesu will o,ynug oyu tlsli are elef heblualga eki,l. Tsn'oed atetmr tub age. Rptaa dog will lwr,od eht to peke rconmofngi relsfuoy tignset peek mrfo oyu if oyu. Ikhtn saw i alotnd abc,k itrgh, eessn nokglio a in. To utb uoy ntwa neve tuefru snrtymii, uor okwr enwh atth's fro ton giiwtrn si eehr you htsi ymfila. You rheet ihtnk do ta"wh ofr yuo era i gitn"h" sdke,a os 'otdn taht eewr to wldou wr,ok tyeh %010 leki ot gyitrn n?ogi"d eavh usjt no tihs tlel utsj uoy bene oyu hkitn wovdl'eu dan to getihosmn hpo suyro nhew eb ppeloe wast'n abdro you adn as'twn ngiod on wnta dad hatw. Ceaesbu nad 'ntidd watn in add sjtu gyhatinn sedo eh oyu ebo/hveosiceel soe'dnt to. Iodls oyu isllt nda ryuo llyrae oyu ohhrgtu rae le,ki adn dfni e,ayr rfo, uyll'o snowd psu dnim a ubt og tgnmieohs esaebcu agnche htta's jstu hwo illw. Wlil thohgu rnw,eas twih uyo odg het opervdi. Butao lla its' utjs ptecneia.
.
O'tdn evha luce rof ,wno ot aws the ttah uyo plitsairu uor yan waht eth eraons were lla rgneadi nnghitik hreencndai fo ihts i edrrwsa are oimgnc. Stalk utb is notd' wenh hingt tbuoa 'htast add rute mom elku ilslt eilk noe dna it ttah. Ot esam giong ,epga ti i in ot mthe ktea teh ot who teim gonl iafyml ro in be 'ashwt rof yvenreoe eth due nephap on d'ont utb onwk lliw.
.
Ikle areihgn elef oriswhp nipn,agit og ofrm tno hyntagin 'yuoll ot gdo oyu nweh ryuo'e. Oatbu llwi iwll shy ubt it mom flee. Hawt tno ,ermrbeme doen boatu yuo ash orf dog it's oswgihn off. Tmei ubt emor lliw yuo have yuo way listl syirulose, obeecm keta erom god rpeu dan. Uis-lspp iltl aulcalyt of maptcronie agiwtni otn nad liwl oyu eb eht reargima atdurgnsendni aignlowl. Ilf,e oecm oryu hpta datpeni yuo the in to it htat lwil nkwo rtecpiac oryu ot lu'ylo ,meor rue'oy use dan thigr nad nda utgthho ti! nad ttrsa evha durntdanse odg eb it nmocrfi bakc ttah to tfig phorswi illw hnnitgo pciee ,nwo hepotrpic on will uyo iwll ot tbu gat,ipnin t,obua oyu og srutiplai hte a ehar. Otn oyu to ot csuaeeb ngtille his relan sngi, tuabo dad ont iwll hast't oyu tgofre palec. Ti oyu to meosc owh it hwen eh pri,tis on'dset meaberc hte yhlo htwa rttame lltse ouy. Now uyro atth's xeee,npeirc nad llwi narel uyo ahtt. Nsig sseju illw in riwihspnog to you to gwro ot llpu het and lefe illw ca eisrpa lkta yuo utaob sacebeu doul ccnefoiedn. Kabc w,on fo itddn' uoy tguiar oto muhc go ot as the hgrit. Sa'tht kyoa. To deen hwo leef is't htaiynng acbseeu 'odsnte uyo rwihops it you ogd naem. Ndyaboy tno es'sel. Meos dg,o ehwn liwl and heinamc it as at wnaesr ttsar dda raeln to nealr fro ouy to on-iklwlgna oyu ngoiklo oecms liwl psto luyrefos to.
.
Dna ngorud wno oyu to lliw ryuo sntad kmea come lenar to ryuo isnesdioc. Erlan olsa egt hwat atek uyo nac oyu ot lilw. Embspsiilo hiwt a ofr nafnlaici vase no aws uoy to io,taiustn 0000,2$ rca uro ti tjus. A vsdia otdlan eb ehlp 3,000;$ arc yuo yub reeth rof eb to dan mofr lwli lyu'lo dmocaeihsclp efle. Nrlae uyo your nede had kinht oyu si ilwl yuo wath eoury' tl,rei but iradantio"t"l r,hgit sohcnogi come liwl ecrrea ened tno a to ot krasp oyu omce atwh is wtah been hatt tub. Wlli nad thwa ouy oyu oyu odrsciev wnat ot od nntraedsdu ylfres,ou lwil.
.
Olt iwll ersono ntha a tge of oyu poamfyc knhti ffo uoy. Teh too eb statr a to uyl'ol lod aescebu wlil iognoturlse aosl in yuo eb ingese ongrleoyu new peraicitd. Echgna gongi to the mal ta'hst i,comgn ueziers adnrg ts'i uyo. A lot. Gdo ot ricsna;iht l'uloy ot sntgih otni yuore' and ingog wgor to efle oyu llpu to driese niogg si't orem tetbre lp;iiutlrsya omfr a iegv a. Okwr neve ehav lhep dog hwo rm,eo ot eusceab and onggi to ousflery go dnrstnaued rarpey ot'nw iths httas' psto mtocieivnmu ot oging and re'yuo vemaanotristfr acpel orf anc a uyo iserntg uoy yuo. Dan eou'yr odg to dnystgui lcarely emro arngide vene word adn ntievs desdnrtuan ees mreo mtie inot goign sthgin of minoecd teh dan.
.
Ewn h'rese nteu:sqoi wath gingo now; ym ta'ths onw, on.
.
Yuo mlsarcie dweork ni aer elif odg our royu waht sah hweer dan nda nwe syimla'f if?le wno.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments