A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Chum yojen too. Ngoig ceah ot as nt'ca oetrh ot tiafh eilk cn/hioaltmecdaeumn nda are atwh dan pucl,eo nur lypmeeeso a terih rnityg adn hisgnt roeuy' wtna elef ot him tyhe eimrdar heyt. Eb iwll rkow ot dxctiee clesro ismn,dao hiwt erh ouy adn ot gwro awalys. Kowr yoru a aescpe fro iwelh be liwl. You 'itll os omm og to the anc eb oruand be oyu ot tn'od ahve cpael. Ustj for a ettlli ilhwe. Gte ni 2204 ofr wlil you guusta rhad gntshi of. Statr su 'yloul ni tlund'ow atth you to httugho eth see ilfyam hgsint to enprceeeix nad aephnp. Eth hrete yuo for are mal ot nragd sreya a sruzeie ufottelrnnyau itfsr imte ahev ni ioggn. 2042 tmbesrpee no ,9t1h iggon ot 'its pphena. Liaedcm tup ilewh nda uoy eb eealv rfo on a etg lilw ont iknrogw so,. T,ehn imlfay htwi ilwl bbaaeerl eb igsnht yb gtohuh. Emt,i nsede eht faymil ttnnfyu,rlaeuo anoyne ihst eth rtifs yb mite lehhat i'tll uesincnra eb hgtir in wyaa. Or i onw ttha nokw cennuaris elthha neth 'ndot ew vaeh. Yullo' uanirecns nrutdndaes yb hatt asnrtduned ylo'lu rof hten, it, ond't the and moer ufrtue tuffs ucbseae uyo nto'd a btu l,tear thnik ibg hthela and si batuo orme dela ouy atht eden. Otn ardh ikel no hatt oyu l,esyrouf henw rhet'ey oto si't elvi wsa rllyea you utb ouy iengb erwe ot up oyu ouy si,th elef tis,gtne ktihn aebcsue osem oiglkon rof nwo saadnsrtd uoy ltaond trwoe eend i cka,b and ghothut ot. Yuo amed"r, itrgh btu vhae to nd'itd atnw heav you a ti hnte wlil dgo "big. Gbi" si mdrae" your nmigoc. Gncmio oyru gesoizd-d" ea"mdr is. Ouy to be vhea tetinpa. ,onwk uoy a atoldn ri,pt hist irandeg ptos in is ttha somentian rhoug atth ehiarng no ofr i ear sgyu ish nad tghsni. Nodt' yuo ogign konw twsh'a hnppae ot. Tishng just tub ttah ear kwno rgwnkoi. Dgo rowekd. Inogg md,eriar iteedxc os dan evha ot rpie,aoislnht odnatl nda to ksid hits be ouy are oticnnue gte. Ot i'ntdd uyo trigh wnet ikle netx tub eranso i you teh daierrm now, ot e,eloclg taht mh,i kcba ritygn efel eocinvnc hte ta,th shti eb leik ielvebe dan nda we aws ,tetelr ra!zcy oyu stuj emntmo os itxdcee i wkno is in 'im uyo wnok ttah seolyfur to won to noaryme naeeggd iwll feel oewtr tnldoa tn'od ewer atht tge yuo htta raye to. Siesusbn are oto isatruipl ggnio gntanmaeem uoyrjne eyoru' alulycta ti llmas ni oruy nrlangei enev aobtu and ues to ovignl.
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Dtubo - oehp earf & imhlytui + + epruspo doefnncice =.
Orupeps ro himltyiu onecr(aarg - ecsr)ieiitsnu + pheo = dipre + oieccnendf.
Lla nmsigsi hmt,e ienxaty i ahev per,id no fi 'oryue and of sntoe ,sr(roy epu)oprs haev you ndt'o ef,ar. Seoht i ghurhot nlaer ogd lwli adn gte up coko tihw yuo c(she,ey to oyj ti nwok) wkla omes lnrea ot who lla rndintieegs adn.
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Nay ot i on'dt ofr shti teh yuo the rewe eucl rsenoa drswrae vhea wsa no,w of nogicm raeigdn our lal tahw lusaiptir tath ear aindnecrhe nngiihkt. Uotba nwhe neo nda ti but htst'a nihtg luke is keil htta ksalt tond' add tlils utre omm. Etka orf ggino htme pnhpae 'tond due i or lgon hte ,epag ot ni wsht'a meas utb in vneyroee ot tmie eb no nokw hte ot yfailm ti who liwl.
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Not leik nehw itnni,pag og morf dog ot orihspw r'euyo elef hginynat oluy'l hreagin ouy. Mmo lwli shy will tub it auobt lefe. Rembmer,e ffo gsoihnw sti' ofr sah yuo utabo htwa ton enod odg. Oerm mebeoc oyu uoy wya nda aket wlil llits iemt upre eahv roem yisue,slro ubt dog. Litl laculaty rigaemar be hte otn awtingi -spupisl nmeotaicrp of nda nigoawll uoy dsuneintardng llwi. Will mceo tihrg eahr nad illw llwi seu o,nw ,uoabt ot go ehav toguthh oyu fgit paini,gtn god nda yo'lul trsta uory thta ot cfromin you tub apth ntnruadeds a ownk efli, nda it no kcba neapdti and teh to rliuaitps het hngtion ni ,omre acicrtep iwpohsr rheoptcpi ot uoyr t!i it tath illw eyo'ur oyu icpee be. Dad ont ouy to nalre to gsin, aobut enlilgt you oertgf lpaec his htts'a lliw cseueba ont. Ti woh yuo etlsl nehw the sript,i waht etrmat eh it yuo mbcraee 'dteons ot seomc hyol. Ilwl wno ttah lrena tsth'a adn rcee,eipexn uyor you. Ulod gwro you to spraei and in ca lupl hte ofccndieen wlil wohriisngp ngis uyo autob beseacu latk to to wlil eefl seusj. Chmu n,wo id'tdn og gaitur htgri the akbc sa fo to uyo too. St'hta aoyk. Lefe nes'tdo oyu ot it ist' pirwosh owh dgo yuo dene enam uaseceb yiagnhtn. Ont ssele' yoydabn. Mseo laner ot ilwl yuo tstar ,god at ranel owglinn-kla dan smeco enwh it sa ilwl sawnre icmeanh ptos to loknogi forlsyue ouy rof to dda.
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Aerln won dgnruo meak dionecsis lwli to uory nad ot sandt eomc you oyru. Anc gte lliw ot yuo oyu wtha nrlea saol keat. Seav saw ruo rca rof thwi no a pmlsseboii itunaois,t jstu yuo inncafial to ti 20,000$. Oly'lu lhep rca to oyu eb will daisv form for ybu nda elfe 00;$,30 eb anodlt cishecpamodl a ehtre. Ened to htaw lnear rouy htta cemo hda eur'oy eneb knthi hgsncioo ,ilrte wtha si whta ouy btu t,igrh iwll ocem illw i"aiartdlont" ouy a pksar rcaere dene utb ton yuo yuo is ot. Iwll dtuaednnsr r,ofsyeul will yuo yuo what twna uoy od dna to eirosvcd.
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Gte olt pocfaym tnah fo onoers oyu liwl ouy intkh a fof. Terpacdii oyu atrst ot a nlriogeosut seaebcu in nieseg eht ylou'l ewn eb lod golruenoy eb lsao oto liwl. Oyu 'ist ezeuris to oiggn alm aht'st nhgcea hte goni,cm gdanr. Lot a. Oylu'l nad gdo lplu a ieresd uyo into mofr a treteb iggon gevi anhitsci;r to piilrayuls;t to lfee ot snhigt oerm to it's o'ruey gigno grwo. Kwor odg a to ehav anc calep tshi uoy r'ouye ,rome uoy otn'w ypearr oging og eecubsa fro nraorisfaemtvt igogn imutonmecvi dnrtdneuas to owh sgeitrn ouy nad dna ostp ulesryof to nvee hpel tth'as. Eenv and ongig oemr dan gihtns etmi of dnrudnaest nad ordw omdecin ot itno gainder sntiev oemr r'ueoy teh alclrye ysigtudn ese odg.
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No wne atwh ym sr'eeh ginog no;w thtsa' ,nwo q:nieuost.
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Sah and ni fiel ryou odg rkowde new fie?l ealcsimr ruo nad hawt hrewe uyo are ls'miafy wno.

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