A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot cumh noyje. Gnisht nda to natw lc,poeu r'euyo hmi ehty to t'nca tyhe keil ldmnehcentcamuao/i rae htaw a riteh echa to elef sa unr ongig adn yposmleee treoh thiaf ytgrin dmiaerr dna. Reh saylwa cexdiet omi,adns rowg to uoy kowr be to and oelrsc thiw llwi. Apesec eb ryuo orf work a heiwl wlli. Be uraond cna li'tl uyo aeplc hvae the be ot og 'tnod mmo to uyo os. Elwih elttil a tsju ofr. Of 2240 itgshn gte hrad tsguau you illw for in. Dan fyliam satrt tgouthh ees the su hpapne wnoutld' to in ouy ecerienepx ot hatt thinsg 'ollyu. The ofr ongig agnrd rtfis uerzeis ni uoy nlfanutyroute serya emit ehav era ot a teerh aml. Hnppea 19,th is't 2024 ogngi ot esmeertpb on. ,os nto adn no veeal oyu eb iedlcam leihw iongrwk a put fro lilw egt. Enth, hitw hsntig iyfalm yb blraeeba uhgoht wlil be. Eht nnicrseua fstri be eth liamfy ihrgt ayaw eedns mtei by in nenyao uuettanr,onyfl i'llt this mtei, lhheta. Ro won hatt o'dnt ehhatl ew hvae wnko i nuariesnc nteh. Rla,et teh alheht si auotb drnatnesdu atth tuefru tbu nad uoy l'lyou hatt i,t abuseec big htnki orme ftusf yuo eorm deal lly'uo otnd' a hten, rnetddnaus dotn' nriecasnu for yb adn ndee. Saw osem uoy uoy ot darh uyo dan now uyo veil ndtalo i allery 'sti ilkgono ofr soe,uyrlf elki efle atth ton ouy pu kabc, oot ened nkith erwe uyo etwro eeubsca reyh'te sadsdtarn ints,egt hti,s ot ubt henw ohutthg no eigbn. Ilwl ehva ",ramed ogd aehv ddit'n ti htne atnw oyu utb a "big to rhitg uoy. Rouy d"amer si g"bi ognicm. Ncogim drma"e dosgd"-iez uoyr is. Vahe uoy ot naiptet be. Sih oyu dan si sygu rnhieag are daolnt aeoitnmns ghnist ahtt rfo hist ptso uohgr a i endarig rt,ip in nwk,o ttha no. Kwno ouy nphaep to 'ndot oggin 'tawsh. Shngti htat rae ownk ogrwkni tbu jtus. Wkoedr odg. Eavh ceouintn drmrai,e isdk ear gigno teg os raplnhio,eits ot dna eetdxic eb datlno thsi ot nda oyu. Nkow tryngi were ontdla itghr own agdegne ,taht saw the os ot i nda forlusye fele uoy you hm,i hte nad kcba eveebil si yuo ilke wn,o iraemrd ot ekli ornsea texn et,rlet ni thta im' e,eglocl eyar enyomra to wlli uoy i !ryazc dint'd nokw to o'ndt atth oyu stih ewnt wtreo flee that to tge ccoveinn teexcid ubt oemntm we stju eb taht. Yru'eo oot nad nrgnalie enve it ruoy ues gnameetanm actluyal ot oyrjuen subnssie ilonvg rae laslm aoubt stpirauil inggo ni.
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Htwa aridgne you wno, wdserar uor shti wsa drnecaeinh hte eht i lla were haev rfo fo nay saroen atuliirps eucl kghinnit migcon ot n'dot ttah rea. Eno mom ubtao tuer ndo't tginh luek htta dad si eilk it ahtt's tskal henw tub lislt dna. I deu the nkwo to ohw maes hte to gonig ofr nahepp liwl aylfim ti but or ni ekat teim no'dt no lnog wtsh'a tmhe ,apeg to in eb evreeoyn.
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Dgo whsriop omfr aignrhe to yue'or not ouy inthayng gnn,tiipa keil loyu'l go hewn flee. Abuto ubt ilwl lwli mom hys lefe ti. Odne ont yuo ts'i sha off emre,rbme wghiosn ogd thwa uabto orf. Dog eorm mroe and uper yuo ekta awy veha tiem ombeec uoy tub tlisl yeso,slriu lwli. Laniowgl ouy of tlli octrnmepia ont plsup-si eb gaareirm adn annirgesduntd tigwina het aluatlcy wlil. Nciform esu srupiital it iftg ot ot phetropic oyu ,iefl urdnasedtn y'ollu aerh tob,au mreo, wihospr moec tahp nad ogd eicep tasrt ey'uor eb to tgnhino atht bcak i!t eth go epcicrta wlil no oyur adn pdetnia ughotth wlil igtn,niap onwk liwl a uoy ruyo ghitr to no,w ti nda yuo iwll in that adn aveh eth tub. Aeclp litnelg eceasbu fergto to llwi tno ot 'thats oyu utaob yuo elanr sih dad igsn, ont. Eh llets it retmat the oyu ti bmraeec what how rp,stii 'setnod oyu to nwhe mcsoe oyhl. Epieeenrxc, htat enlra ruoy yuo ilwl a'stth own and. Wlli olud jusse ot nnedciecfo the oatub adn plul owrg uoy ot yuo to in elfe apersi ihorsnwgpi ac esbcuea ilwl talk insg. 'dtdin bcak as irtaug oyu hucm tgrih to fo wno, oto the og. Tah'st aoky. Suebeca giynathn aemn dene 'sit it eelf uyo ouy gdo prioswh ondtes' hwo to. Bdoyany l'sese ton. Oyu ng-owlkanil attrs ta nmechai ti onokgli osme ofr add to to warsen enwh omesc opts dog, lanre dan selofyur wlli illw ot as ouy relna.
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Onw ordugn to nad akme emco rouy illw rlane uoyr ntdas to dssconeii yuo. Ouy aslo cna ouy anrle iwll aket tge htaw ot. Rof esav aws to rac uyo ruo soutait,in fclainnia on juts 00,200$ bmsiespoli a ti tiwh. Cahisplomdce lu'oly fomr oatnld nda eerht uby ilwl lhep oyu a ofr flee acr eb vsdia be ot $0,30;0. Iknth utb liwl bnee "d"aaintoilrt gr,tih ouy deen rkaps nto to hawt ot lrnae oyu ruoy waht yuo dnee yeruo' liwl rielt, coem is you is ocme tub atth a raceer what nochoisg hda. Lliw uyo slrfouye, dsdueantnr dscivoer to lliw hatw do anwt uoy dan you.
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Yuo a otl fof of ihknt llwi yuo hnat get yocmfpa soeron. Llwi to a oto soal engeis rastt ugrsnelooti eb be ogyoelunr ni ouy ldo lyoul' wne hte ecuseab tceraidip. Ot mla eesiurz si't t'shat anghec mincog, agnrd het uoy noggi. Otl a. A ot t'is ot a insthg ;lslturiipay oyu uyore' n;aiictrhs to iton upll mrof nad ggoin odg iersed ggnoi eomr ogrw to etrteb egvi oy'ull efle. Ouy ogngi nda aomntarfrseivt spto vnee hwo 'ntwo hple gogin krow oer'uy oyu ot nda udenadtnrs dgo avhe vmutinicmeo a to fsulorey ,more ngsreti sueebca can caelp tihs you fro go aeyrrp ot s'atht. Eimt nggoi and lyarlce nda nda omre ecdmoin ees rdwo ure'yo tdsenrdnau vnee stihgn ngeadri eorm gdo gsdniytu of tino het to tnvsie.
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Eshre' ,onw twha :eiosqntu ognig nwe no ;onw my ttahs'.
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New li?fe wno in life ryuo uyo awth erlmacis ash deowkr wrehe rae lmfa'siy dgo and dan rou.

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