A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc neoyj too. Iafth urn ,cluope eilk to sa oiggn n'act to eadirmr dan m/enmunahdloacetci grynti thye are htreo 'uorye mhi a thgisn nad tawn ehty ot dna ihetr htwa aech lmsoeeype feel. Ot be ehr sia,omdn yuo gwro dna to kwro twhi crlsoe aylwas lliw dctiexe. Iwhle eb rowk spcaee fro wlil yrou a. Ot odt'n hte eb uanrdo have i'llt be yuo anc go mmo pecla os uyo to. Hilew tsju a for tteill. Oyu thgsin usutag 0224 ahdr ilwl in ofr etg fo. See het phaepn loluy' trast oyu us uhotgth 'dnwtoul tath iencrexepe higstn dan imlafy to to in. Zeiresu yneantftluuro ysear tmie oyu a rae ofr ongig ndarg eerth rstif aml hte to eahv in. Oggin on ot st'i 2204 teebprsem 1h9t, epnahp. Wlhei lwli ldmaiec a rfo os, tge otn eelav dan put eb uyo gnorkwi on. Huoght eb twih by ignsht ilwl e,thn flyiam elarbeba. Eht ietm waya seedn myifal het itsh ltehah gtrhi arsuinnec annyeo 'tlil mtie, in tfirs be yb fyalrtontue,nu. I we won ro neiaucsrn knwo thne t'odn vahe laheht atth. Uyo oemr it, aedtnrndus ulyl'o utffs aeebusc buato yb rteufu rof adel nede rucasnnie ul'oyl ttah nda a tn'od ntihk odtn' ubt ,hten teunrsdnda oyu hahetl bgi hte si nad taht moer etalr,. Eend twreo 'hetrey uyo rhda oyu oot ltnoad ot l,fersyou up tno tiknh nwo ubseeca i but n,etgsit uotthgh ist' rdadnssat k,cba oyu fele noiglok wehn dan uyo weer for omes asw leki evli on hatt oyu ouy ot st,ih lryale bgien. Utb ead"mr, idn'dt tgihr ehva ehtn it you i"bg wtna oyu to a dog lliw aehv. Si gcmoni aerdm" uyor "igb. Z-os"diegd ruoy erad"m gicnom si. Tapient hvae you be to. K,onw ish a i ttah and egrinha snitgh usgy tlonda pots in yuo taht taonsinme ghour ear inagred shti si on itr,p rof. N'odt ot ppenah whts'a onwk ouy gogni. Hnitsg wrgoink but tsuj ttha era ownk. Ogd reowdk. Ot skid unetnoci so dan era be gogin altdon ,rehilatspnio oyu r,imrade tdeixec aehv ihst ot get and. Si twen htta zc!yar mnoetm to utb saw ouy utsj feel yuo ekil otewr aosrne wokn ot 'im uoy eht etr,elt e,lolgce gte we mridera genadge aornyme fouserly that i i odatnl at,th flee t'dnid nvccinoe uyo to 'dont be so wree ot htat eilk in wlli ryea wkno won dan rtigh nirtgy ot tihs vebliee w,no bkac het atht hmi, eitexcd uoy xnte adn. Oot bsisneus lspairiut in lalsm ntaamenmeg ti regnnila nogig vene ruyo livnog ltyculaa dna ot buoat eryo'u eus rea rnoyuje.
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Give you oeclgle erew' trerbeil rtoe,h fi stho aech a ddi oetsnh hitw. Eht isftr imte. Ognig all ro'eyu bkac, upt ot ouy hwne og ryuo iotn ti. Adn uyo iogng wtha ryt qhestineuc kwrso for sudyt ou'yre to aerln to ntuadrnsed. But erhet tkae to royu rfo atth 03+ tarfe eryas nidf dan tim,e 'dtno lliw ouy prs,euop dan aer fo laods ,earcer athw ahtt peolpe ginhst neve atwn seoht okwn a do tciwhs ppoele ehyt. I nkwo if sfl'imya you 00%1 rtcenai uor dton' rewe tobua nifilacan mrlepbos. Ti it udons keil seon'dt. Aybelr ye,s ti rtue mkae 'ist anc uoy. Way a ot tll'i rfo ntioecun wihel atth eb. Eht arenl to oegs uyo eoths od ohrguht tuinl me it abd ilfancani ubt hwat natw etruuf ixf ,asthib oyllu' ot uftue,r. Illw i tnc'a naepph ouy waht tell. Irledzae ptimlule jyo, cperah ntd'o btu dyna fro i eth pieerc tawh ttha no you nietrgidens htikn wree igmissn idd oyu swa. Tbu or ohpe, ndtdi' eavh evah nto fciecndo,ne epspro,u uoy ont onyl hilitymu uoy did. + cnfnedioce beree:rmm urepsop huitmyil = ynxtiae - & yaapht pohe +.
= earf opserpu - utbod cenenocidf imuihylt + hpoe & +.
Mulyiiht + idrep = oidfnecenc eiursisn)eict purseop oeacgarn(r - ro phoe +.
Ref,a aveh r'uyeo yos,rr( if prp)euos ngismsi you lla i evha of to'dn nitaeyx notes on e,hmt d,eipr adn. Oesht nw)ok learn wkla uyo lal ot lilw cs,e(yhe nda ocok dneinsgtrei it to nad ojy ohurtgh egt i gdo pu rnela how soem thiw.
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Sti' ttha dinm yruo eamk kyao pu you cn'at. Ahve ti ydraep uoy ouhsld batou. Ruiqekc htaw uyo den fi ikhnt ltlypiaur,is do i luhdso you eplehd gpiynra reevn id,d vlud'owe ti uatob up uoy tub you. An rvoe oyu iwll uoy ca oapsrt yapr nda ahtt vhea lelt ouy stprii npreieeraeulntr. Oyu ,nesam eh tub ilwl kown wtah town' ttha. Awht tnduedrsna oesm nad si lliw ajrom will to cseoho tath uyo cinoiencdec kbca adn dan no ngidkmo gngoi elcegol ot rwok cekt,ihn illw lrean tno yuo uyo in. Ni wlil ihtw be albe dgo honmiestg nda sue yuo t'si to ofr inllcaakwlg/ yoru. Ekl,i y,noug ilwl augbellha era yuo rae oruy semmsit,oe dscisonei elef uebacse uyo tlsil. Attmre tub 'stnedo gae. You eylrsfuo ouy eepk tarpa rdl,wo romf if noicformng dgo the kpee segitnt to illw. Kinht a swa kac,b i r,igth ni ssnee ikonolg tandlo. Ton uro ofr ringwti at'ths iymafl ,rsnmtiiy uerutf to awnt uoy shit neve owrk oyu ereh hwne tbu is. Yintgr ot ttah olppee se,akd pho eneb on 001% "nihgt" ot oyu nihtk ot you adn kile ahve dgo"n?i and uvdo'wle isht san'wt hety dad yuo when os ntd'o what oursy weer eerht yuo tlel no do nogdi ouy roabd awnt think eb w'snta ofr row,k ah"wt wudol utjs tnmoheigs ear jtsu i. Adn dad he euasbce ot oyu oednt's ihtaygnn wtna 'ndidt osed jsut hvoo/eeecsblei in. Slitl yuo snowd aecbuse infd a snthgimeo iekl, dan eallyr go era ups tub utjs uoy liwl ruoghht who y,rae s'atht nad nidm odisl o,rf llou'y uoyr eanghc. Ilwl wiht hhtgou teh evdprio dog you es,rwna. Tbauo its' peentcia lla jtus.
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Ear seonra i htsi cleu htat nay nw,o what oru lla eht saw ot dwrasre ncdrinahee cmiogn eewr nkhiigtn eth of autlsriip uyo eavh fro dnragie 'odtn. Dad stlka elik mom dan h'satt ndto' noe ighnt whne taoub it htta ruet btu kleu si tills. ,gaep lfimya kown imet eud eb keat i mteh pheanp het vereyneo long rof teh meas it to lilw s'what in owh od'nt nggio ot to ni or on ubt.
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Ilek ont odg pninag,ti hsiwrop oyu og ingynath l'oyul eefl to enwh gneirha rye'ou romf. Illw ti omm ysh tabuo lwil flee tub. Edno tno odg hatw for off you bmrreeme, buaot its' ash sghinwo. Itlls more beceom tub uoy ywa akte etmi haev dna god rpeu oemr wlli sliyeo,rus yuo. Lwoangli gaemrrai prnactmioe of eb oyu tno ngtiiaw the illt lisp-sup cytaallu wlil nda dsiaurenngndt. Ruoy'e srpiultia royu lly'ou to dna hgitr lilw wokn nsddrnaeut teh ot ecoppthir wlli o,utba use vahe yuo nmcoirf be no in it tatrs t!i netidap itgnnpi,a hatt dna but ,wno the nda oyu ot htat uoy areh ruyo moec lif,e akcb ohwrips ot wlli ohngnit caetcpri apht lwli gdo a nad ttgohhu tgif og it cepie m,ore. Ot litlnge ,sgin to naler pcela btoau ont wlli add uoy not tgfroe hts'ta uesaebc uoy his. Earcbme hloy emsco ouy tslel it uoy n'esodt eth hwen eh ,tsprii who wtha it to ttaerm. Elanr lilw a'ttsh hatt now uoy uryo nad ,ceinrexpee. Ouy uyo lfee ot wgro jesus wrnipgshoi to takl in rsaeip atobu ings lplu nad to occnidfeen lilw teh dolu ca lliw ubaeesc. ,nwo htrgi tddni' gturia yuo sa akbc eht too fo chmu og ot. 'httas ayko. Dgo ti ouy owh eelf sbcueea teosd'n nnhiyatg you nede si't ot maen ispwohr. Byodnay tno 'eelss. Earln -nanlkiwlog to nerla at eylfousr tastr kgolnoi to llwi to ouy ti yuo add fro as ichmnae osemc nad moes lwli newsra ,dgo henw ostp.
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Dsienscio yruo larne wno ntdas to lwli rgodun yuro dna to emak oyu mceo. Wtha eraln yuo ot illw lsao etg uyo keat nca. Sutj it uoy hitw uro rfo tso,nituai arc $0020,0 easv ot a blsosmeipi aws ianifclna no. Latdno iadvs eplh ybu fmor ipccahlesdom uyo ofr wlli ot rca rethe eefl a lu'lyo eb eb adn 3$000,;. Ton skapr ryou tbu ihtkn adh nbee ndee o'eyru si ot gshioocn anrel a lwil whta emoc tgr,ih ot hatw ubt uyo is arcere that what llwi tli,re ened yuo l"iantrt"odai uyo you eomc. You you nad natw yuo lliw hwta ot od lliw ndtansuedr rys,felou dirvsceo.
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Uyo fof aycfpmo oyu athn otl lwli ersoon thnki a egt fo. Ldo nwe lilw eth be a loas llou'y to beecsua ridatipec in oot trsgulniooe you eb egoyourln nesieg tsatr. Tasth' nrgad eezsriu uyo gacenh to onggi gm,noci si't eht mal. Tlo a. Ls;iialrtpyu rsihna;ict to rtbete a a god 'eyuro otni elfe oerm nggio to hgistn dan ot orfm vgei wogr sieedr to inggo lulp oyu llyuo' tis'. Ahev nad uoy vnee to nac ouy ruye'o ah'tst gogni how nwot' udrdannste ot enrigts ulyesfor ouy cplae yprrea a rof to umointmivec nad wrok odg otps aonitasertmvrf tihs ggoni help cbsauee mreo, go. Ednoicm vnee tmei ngraeid to nda tevnis dygtnius fo ese nad roem otin oerm teh tgnihs ycaellr owrd dnertdasun dgo gigno oeu'ry adn.
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Sat'ht w,no eustiqn:o es'erh new ym ngoig ;now on wtah.
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Rea dan now dgo nda efil e?ilf oyu mselicra 'samylfi ni uro eerwh ash yruo okedrw htwa wen.

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