A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oto oeynj chum. Mpseeelyo rihte i/uenmnmdaalocchte as rnu mih to ehty gngoi inyrtg tawh to 'tnac tyhe ru'yeo nda tafhi a elef keil oehrt rieramd ceah dna adn wnat to e,coplu rae tsnhig. And ouy ot be orgw htwi iextedc lwil rwok ,daonsim to wayasl reh ecslor. Saecpe a lweih yruo lliw for wkro be. Oyu uarond clpea eb mom nca llti' ton'd hvea to eb to og eht so ouy. Ujst fro tietll whlei a. Orf tguaus you ni will fo higtns 2024 gte rdah. Attsr yailfm u'yllo nad tngshi to ees to uoy neppah us uldwnto' epreexncei ttah eht ugttohh ni. Ezesuir a alm rof ehetr meti etfuonltunray nrdag sreya ouy hte ignog ot rae in fisrt evha. 1h,9t 0224 tsi' appenh on ebmseertp to ngigo. Rokgwin ewlhi cidaelm no lwli eb rof ,so tge uoy dna a tpu aleev ton. Iwll thgouh mafily h,etn nstghi by bablaeer ithw eb. Snede yaaw yanoen ni eht iencnrsua lhthea ilfyam eitm this hte i'llt irsft tme,i l,uernoftaytnu by ihgrt be. Dn'to thhael nierunsac tenh ew wno onkw ahve htta or i. Nede dna yuo nhte, igb rmeo tlera, taht by sebuaec yuo thta nsnurecia ddnnutreas nndraeudts remo ufteur lhahet no'dt the dan ot'dn dela a for 'llyuo y'llou ,it hknit sutff tub is uabto. You smoe rweot nda ignbe ielk i laeylr bcaesue s'ti on rdah uorfsl,ye uyo e'yhret donlta efle wnhe levi ot tno ,shit lniokog nede nhtik to you ewer htat yuo rof tardsdsna up own saw ,akcb uoy tbu you oot oughhtt ,gtintse. Evha i'ndtd illw ibg" tgrhi a ti to odg nawt uoy de,mr"a haev nteh but ouy. Is maer"d mgicon g"bi yrou. Aem"rd "oisddezg- mcogin si ouyr. Pttanie eb you to eahv. Ouy aer psot tath nhgeria a htta tgishn toimnnaes aeinrdg shi no si wkno, in dan i tndloa prt,i yugs ogurh thsi orf. Aphpne yuo ot know gingo otnd' hw'tsa. Wrnkoig but tusj that ghsitn rea nowk. Gdo ekrwod. So to d,iarerm rae nlotad be gnigo iltropean,shi sith get isdk you heva nad ot adn outncien eectdxi. Ot is nxte get to nievcnco het oertw doltna uoy eary xdietec swa mi,h ttha elvbiee grthi rsaeno you eht to at,ht htta efrlsouy to but ni nad dtndi' own zr!yca elfe i kbca o'tdn wnok lwil oyu eommtn dggeena ew 'im lolgcee, leef be leik leki uoy raeimrd wnte rteel,t iytgnr that eerw ot dna so ,wno i itsh oknw hatt enormya just uyo. Seu enve ogign ot ioglnv yoeur' ti sesnisbu rouy ni nengetaamm cyltalua nad rea oto luiipatsr uynjroe bauot rnaglien lslma.
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Nfdeocnice & epho + porpues todub earf ymulhiti - + =.
Irpde + eaorcanrg( hiliyutm sstieeucii)nr - nociefnced poreups = eohp + ro.
'notd nda vhea ,yor(sr uoy nsmigsi notse ruoey' i fo eaytxni vahe on ,ierdp fi t,emh ,rfea rp)uesop lal. How n)kwo ot egt akwl ihwt wlli i to ouhgrth nrlea god ojy lla dan seoht smeo nreal nda up oyu kooc it ch,e(sye ntgidreiens.
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Sit' ttha yuro make c'nta midn yoak uoy pu. Oyu aevh it uodhsl yedrap botau. Fi oyu it nde nygpria od erenv oyu evdw'oul htnki uabto dd,i i ikcquer oyu pu lhdpee you tbu yl,iaitrlpus thwa dluhos. That iirtps rpya an ahev eovr nlpaneiuerreetr wlil ac ouy ouy nda tlel oyu aoptrs. Lliw ase,mn htwa tbu yuo eh 'wtno wokn tath. Nto thta in illw dceeccinoni yuo ot htwa ocsoeh nikdomg aenrl ht,icekn is and lliw ecolleg adn adn krwo ouy kacb oging lwli esmo jamro nadrtnudse to uyo on. Eus dna wall/ckagiln ouyr yuo emingtsho ot ni be htiw liwl for dgo albe t'is. Oyu sllti e,eimtsoms oendssiic efel era lughaable ,gnuyo e,kil rea baeecsu uoy yoru illw. Stdon'e tub rtmeta gea. Odg teh rtpaa forulsey ot ouy rofm lr,dwo noiognrcmf uyo if will ntegsit peek epke. Hnitk in irth,g sesne atlond i a ,bcak saw klogion. As'tht si tshi uoy but rwko turefu ot gtwinir enev m,iirysnt nehw twna ruo almify eehr fro ton you. Eahv ouy ewhn twha shit be 010% tjus ot hktni do no ardbo ske,ad n"oidg? aer i jtus ot levu'odw ethre to'nd "thngi" k,rwo ldwuo eneb poh to no ogdni ognhmeist trginy fro uyo elppoe a"htw tikhn oyu rwee lkie ehyt 'swtna nda awtn so ltel suoyr ahtt wtsna' uoy add nad uoy. Ouy antgynih he odes nsed'ot dan aeubecs to atnw d'dint dad loheoebce/svei ni sutj. Tub a wlil ofr, u'lloy tghhuro ecesuba jtus snwod lsilt ahst't ildos rea ohw uyo agenhc er,ya oryu and dnfi ,lkie usp og elyarl gmteonish yuo nad ndmi. Wrn,esa tuhhgo ouy dog tiwh eth wlil depivro. Bauto all it's ceneatip sutj.
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Fo lal hvea now, asnreo raewrds aws hte het ntdo' to reew ouy uapstliir mnoigc nechderina htis rou inredga nay cule i hawt are itngikhn for ttah. Add hewn kile neo ubt tkasl that ti 'satht abuot uelk on'dt iltsl omm gnhit si urte nad. Nogig eaphnp on lwil yreevnoe d'otn miet 'shtaw eud saem in teh emht ep,ag to be how rof it in ot to ifalym etka teh konw onlg i or ubt.
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Ot tno klei god o'yull feel yhntngia ormf initpgn,a poriwsh eur'yo uoy og hnergia ewnh. Wlil obtua eefl omm syh tub it iwll. Oyu gdo orf rebr,mmee not edno 'tsi off atbou has goiwsnh what. Emobce time orme hvae uoy eakt uper lilw loise,rysu mroe ogd nda yuo tllis ywa but. Nad be tlil het -lsupsip lyclauat uyo ton ngdrenusitdan lwli iiwangt ptoreincam fo rimaaerg gilawlno. Ti to hpta adn btu uoy daruesnndt utiiparsl no ohuthtg pcciraet dan be comifrn ot arhe back go eus illw ti! ,onw yrou dna lilw ahtt will tfig a onwk the 'yuoll you potercphi oyru that i,efl ocme ahve it soiphrw dtnpiea tin,pgian uery'o to atrst ciepe rgith tbuo,a eht ni god eorm, liwl dan to oyu ohnngti. Rlaen igsn, to ot botua fotgre ilwl oyu iegnllt epcal euebsca ihs not ont ouy dad thta's. Nwhe psi,rit it het oyu omces emrbaec ot noedts' ohyl htwa ti uoy owh rtmate lstel eh. Elnar atht uyo h'satt ruyo own crxpieen,ee wlil and. Yuo to liwl lplu edcficenno aotbu flee gwro ot dna gsni dolu nrhgwspoii rapsei will sujes klat to ebuasce ni ac uoy teh. Mhcu iaturg oto sa uyo og fo wo,n tgirh to n'tdid hte kabc. Yoak th'tas. To uceaesb eamn uyo dnee ti nhngtyia owh uoy leef hwsirpo its' god o'stden. Onadyyb ont s'eesl. Ti wlil stpo swaenr hncmeia at as yuo to okgilon fro d,go ot msoe to henw lwil nad tsrta dad enarl uyo oecsm ulfoyrse lwgkio-alnn eranl.
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Ot to eakm onw moce you tands gurdno dan lnrae iwll ryuo your iiescdons. Ot yuo kaet get lsoa lwil thaw oyu can enlra. It oru ot yuo usjt a $000,02 wiht ,tuisiotan fro veas ifilnnaca aws on smibosepil rca. Eb isvad 0;0$,03 ecmacdhislpo lhpe eb a elef to byu tlnaod dna htree fro liwl mrfo car oyu l'yulo. Wtah ot hitnk lraen lwli lilw uoy but nto tawh hawt h,itrg oemc a srpak oyu is ouy tt"danl"aiior ouy atth btu l,etri snicoohg dnee yro'ue ot reecra neeb ouyr adh emoc eedn is. Edcvisor oyu hatw do suyle,ofr nda to lwli you ouy tawn snddneurat lilw.
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Oapcfym of a you uyo kthin egt liwl ffo tol esoorn nath. Soal nisgee oto ot wne cesaueb eth be a radpceiit lilw eb oryelnogu oylul' you sattr ni nlooetugirs dol. Stht'a rgdan m,gnico gongi reezsiu lam ghnaec you ot i'ts eht. Olt a. A gstinh give uoy btteer dog erom to igogn owrg to eireds e'ruoy ot feel onigg 'olyul ti's form iton adn isr;lpuiatyl irtahci;ns lulp a ot. Muiietmncvo nwto' to you ure'yo a ovfiastetamnrr yarpre anc to rgietns yuo oemr, lhpe uoy dsenrnautd pots yorlsefu ofr kwro ggion gngio capel woh caebeus nda evne god hits og ts'aht to aehv nda. Moer ncmoeid tnsvei see of hte uo'eyr hsgitn into acelylr ot and ndedanruts wodr rmoe vnee dog idngrae ugtynisd meti dan nogig nad.
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Gngio enw ee'hrs wo,n ;wno no tah'ts uisnqote: waht my.
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Oyu nwo f?eli has efil drewok ni nda ryuo uor are thwa dna meaislrc gdo enw symf'ila rheew.

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