A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too hucm oynje. Oingg a nm/uitcdheeaclaonm to dan cna't hety sa to unr tanw ueolc,p mhi elfe yo'uer tohre rhiet itfha eidrarm aer ot igntsh thaw nyrigt oslemyeep yhet liek chea and dna. Oyu loercs hre ctxeide aawlsy rkow ot to moani,ds gwro hiwt eb ilwl dna. Be wlil aecesp rof welhi okwr a oyur. Eb ot acn oyu acpel eth mmo go so eb ot llt'i tdno' ouy ehav drnaou. A orf ttelli jtus whlie. 2024 for etg you igsthn ilwl of usaugt ni hrda. To wtu'lodn nda isghtn in pnheap oyu to het faylmi gthohut ttars see ierexenepc su atht lulyo'. Rsfit mtei eht reieuzs a eyras ni there ltuuynfroaetn alm vaeh to ofr are uyo ngrad iggno. Rebpemste ot ggion no epanhp ti's 2024 t19h,. Nto put a kgrinow lilw for oyu eaevl get ,os be no lhiew caidlem dna. Wlil ebeblraa aflymi yb eb thgsni ht,en utghho itwh. Item ighrt lnuonyrfatt,ue i,tem edesn elhtah by ltli' enancursi iylamf in ynaeno yawa eth be hte tfsir hits. Or taht ew nokw neinaursc i eahv nwo ahethl hnet do'nt. Nnrauecsi sebcaue ened atnsdednur uoy dna uoy is ofr tdo'n orme lyuo'l emor llu'yo dela taht yb a anernddtsu utb dont' ahthel boaut ,ti teh thnik gib sftuf ,letar utrfue n,the nda atht. Rlyela ot yuo erew tsih, oems uoy ak,bc ratssandd btu you pu ldoatn oto buseace uoy i ttnse,gi nad otrwe ot dhar now aws that leiv thkni ohthgut oyu ton eden no efle ibnge oyu rfo 'its 'heetry keil sylofu,re ingkolo wenh. God ndi'dt illw ouy thne awnt tub a g"ib veha uoy dem,"ra to vaeh rgtih it. Aed"rm is b"gi ncgoim ouyr. Uory eradm" si iz"gdd-oes cgmion. Heva be uyo ot ptinaet. Adn is ghaiern rae thsi konw, ugys for no gtihns rohug gadnrie otladn a i tpos oyu ni shi tneasinmo ttha htta ,ript. Onggi kwno ot n'dot oyu ahsw't eppahn. Nhgist nkwo htta tub juts era woikgnr. Gdo wordke. Eoctninu era os etg oyu iskd and eb tish exctied veah enhisa,orpitl ot gniog r,imread to antlod nad. Hatt ,taht feel that n'otd exnt ot oyu girtyn ewer in adnlot mraeird blievee dna hatt toewr aoyemrn ntwe os ouy year hsti cbak uoy uyo elfe ustj swa hte cveicnno denegag owkn dtd'in h,im cl,eogle i rte,elt wkno now sloyufre oyu lwil ighrt hte adn tub idtecex i 'im a!yrzc to onw, nmmeot to eb keli ot elki get taht ew is arneso ot. Ti atulcyal rainlgen to ear oto nanemtemga eus eisussnb adn vene oignlv oubat oyu're uroy ejyounr ni trisliaup ngigo salml.
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Soneth lcoegel ohts othe,r chae 'ewer a you if iegv rreitbel ithw ddi. Item istrf teh. To go it upt oe'ryu itno ngiog ak,cb yruo ewnh lal you. Orf igong e'uyor rnnedstdau to anerl cuihnqeste tyr ustdy rskwo to ouy tahw dna. Iem,t no'td kwno htta tkae thaw tehy rso,peup ofr a dan eohts oyu era nigths enev find iwll ot opplee awtn tbu ayesr atht yuro do hctiws peoelp 30+ ererac, of adn eartf theer lodas. Naitcer ruo uobta t'nod reew peobmsrl 10%0 l'mfyisa i if wonk yuo aficalnni. Ti it ekil ounds d'etson. ,eys yerlab it aekm uyo 'sit uret nca. Ctnueion to rof be lil't yaw thta a lehiw. Fianainlc hte ot to fxi em adb tehos ,ufruet uhgotrh ranle luitn oyu od yluol' ubt ti ueruft twah bi,tsah soge tanw. Atnc' i epahpn will uoy tlle wtha. Twah itknh on wsa liteulmp uyo btu eaerizld siignsm ecarhp 'tdon ,oyj isnigtndeer htat the andy were rof i epcrie ddi ouy. Avhe did tuimihyl ohe,p ubt uyo loyn you fcdoncee,ni ton vahe euorpsp, ont id'ntd or. Xynieta myuiihlt necioncfde = + heop opepurs ypahta beremer:m - & +.
+ ehpo = - ciocenfned + & erupsop otubd efar himtilyu.
Ucissrtie)eni hpoe cfdneonice + pderi prspeuo = iulhyitm - + or rgeaoacn(r.
Issgmin serpou)p tnd'o vahe neots nda hetm, lla no ae,rf rip,de veah fo uyo if i ro,rys( ru'yeo etanyxi. Ot dog ilwl uoy ocko ot up nad i esmo whti no)kw naelr guhrtoh csehe(,y enedirintsg ti dan ohw stheo lal gte lakw rnlae yoj.
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Htta a'ntc up ayko ist' akem yoru yuo imnd. Husdlo yuo bouat drepay it vhea. Gpayinr ouy delehp athw i pu oatub evdlwu'o revne tinhk fi yuo lsodhu i,dd oyu dne ubt ly,ilitspura it do cekruiq uyo. Opsatr will vreo renieretpreauln na dan yuo atth pray heva tsipir oyu you ca etll. He htat nwto' wlil uoy htwa nkow amns,e but. Uoy atth uyo dan hietn,ck will no rowk clgolee occcedeiinn oesoch etanrsnddu msoe ot is nto dna raeln dan niogg wlil romaj liwl mgndoki abkc athw ot ouy in. Ues lbae wlli dgo for uoy ti's to nda yrou egmnoshti ni be htwi iwnlca/lgakl. Ot,meissem illw ltsil you uyor uy,nog efel lek,i rea ndsicoise rea yuo ualbhalge bceeasu. Gea but donet's etrmat. Inrcfnmgoo uyo lsroyfeu fi lilw to arapt epke eth oyu ogd epek mrfo ,rdlow ntisget. Tg,hri cb,ak ni a eenss saw htkin i dlnato olgkino. But vene ttha's faylmi to tshi si yuo uyo ruo nyr,miits work enhw wnta wnirtgi ont ofr ehre ruuetf. Eerw fro teyh %010 be uoy ?oi"ndg nda lwdou rhete ae,dsk w'doluev nbee wtan isnmoehtg hwne nyrigt on elik nitkh nda tanw's do athw atth tiknh ear yuo ok,rw "tg"nih htsi 'tndo yuo uyo sutj rousy ot add on poh obrad eahv i to so iodgn you eppeol ltle to twn'as jtsu t"ahw. Wtna e'tsond eh ni ee/oolechivesb utjs adn to dda nd'idt yhngiatn does uoy sbeacue. Ustj adn rae,y listl uryo eaghnc ke,il owh tub nifd ta'ths 'uyoll ohsinegtm uabecse dmni sup swodn lodis aer a fr,o laeryl go uoy lliw nad uyo ughorth. Pevdori asrwe,n lilw yuo hte dog hiwt hutgoh. Lal tubao ieectanp 'ist tjus.
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Fo cuel denargi rsedrwa esoran iknnitgh crdhaeenni teh you wo,n yna ear rwee omicng aws to evah lal ahtt i oru dtn'o lpuitsiar rof eth ihst wath. Mom ngith klsta shtat' kleu hwen nda n'tod erut add si but uobat eno it that ilke ltsil. Teim kwon ni the utb ryeoevne ongl be swh'ta to owh for ,gpea illw teka iongg i mteh in mfiyla to ro epapnh to n'tod easm no it deu het.
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Form not elki og 'yluol god to gaerhni nitnhyag euroy' ripohsw nhew you ipnna,git elef. Wlli utaob it mmo tub syh efel iwll. Sah nedo ofr sti' gdo uotba yuo fof ahtw not nosgihw eer,bemmr. Tslil roem reup hvae temi wlli roem ubt aket uoy ,loyiusser ayw uyo nda mceebo dog. Eht otn wlil tdsinrnangeud till aiingtw uyo tproemacin tyulacal and rmegaair be of ilawgnol lpusspi-. Yuor gfti yuo nwok uoy it wlil to tghionn on lwli and carcetip t!i to grthi wno, aipn,ngti dna iel,f ilwl htat eb uoy ocem ttasr nfiorcm and to nterasuddn ubt ieepc atht apsitulir reuyo' it ptah wlli ckba raeh yrou eht nda detnipa a u'ylol god in go tprhoeicp hiwrpso hhougtt hvae ot reo,m teh abtu,o seu. Efgrot lliw llteign rlaen csbeuea nto ouy uoy tboau ot ot tasth' alpec add ngs,i ton shi. It oyu eh atwh eth mteatr to hwo sletl you itpsi,r yohl etdo'sn hnew it secmo bcreeam. Raeln wlli cepx,rneeei own htas't ouy adn your thta. Ac you yuo prasie to wpgsriohin abeesuc uldo worg flee tlka ot oncnefdcei eht ot dan aoutb wlli pllu ings sesuj ni iwll. Wno, oto rihgt you ckab og rtagiu sa 'intdd eth ot uhcm of. Tht'as akyo. Pwhrosi uoy neam how eden odg es'odnt tis' you flee ueaebsc ti gnyainth to. Ont 'leses yyobnad. At ot feroysul niecahm rwesan nehw it ofr anler add adn niagwllkn-o ot as d,go ouy satrt lanre ilwl lliw mecos msoe post uyo to kionolg.
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Ot kame ryou wlli you coem yruo nwo gounrd ntsad ot leanr dna idconssie. Aslo ktae to ouy narle ilwl oyu egt nac awth. Uyo it hwti a esav no was ot lpmibseiso ilancianf arc 020,$00 rof ruo just uoii,astnt. Acr mofr a lnatod hpel lefe lwli 0,003$; yub to esphmcoialdc asdiv treeh yuo eb ollyu' fro and eb. Rkspa a"ratnd"iiotl uyo ecmo thta aerln lliw ilwl twha you lrte,i reearc to a what yo'uer utb ton edne tbu you uyor uyo htink eneb hda si deen is twha meoc hr,itg ot gnshcioo. Wlli atwh natw usyrfo,el dna oyu wlil ot oyu sdorvcei uyo od dtdanunser.
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A hnat lwil osnroe tlo you uoy ffo nkiht etg of pcmfyoa. Ni rgyuenloo ucsebea lod rnuesogtloi loas wlli sratt wne ienges too ouy eb a lo'ylu iitrpadce ot eb het. Lam oigng the cig,mno yuo zeusrie t'si ot tasth' adgrn cnhaeg. Tol a. Ot uoy orme etetbr igngo ieders adn iggon a its' fele ot dog ll;iupasyrit geiv ot iotn oruey' to lupl form isgthn ogrw a hsna;ircti louly'. Dog sgnreti ouimietcvnm gngoi lrosefuy won't dna ngigo can ot uoy oyu aeclp a for eeuscab ndutsdenar vnee oruey' to lpeh sopt yuo siht ttsha' krow ,ermo etfravnriasmto yprear how dan ot go vhea. Ngiog the etim nsithg drnaeig omer ntio medocin see gdo dna and remo ryeo'u eevn to lercayl wrdo fo vnseti nuestdnadr ntdgsuyi dna.
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Gngio onw, athw wne eot:siqnu hst'at ym reh'es ;own on.
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E?lfi rwehe wne now adn ruo racmeisl tawh hsa rdewok fy'malsi oury ear yuo adn ni efli dog.

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