A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hucm too eojyn. Ucolp,e ot ggnio adn c'nta awht htoli/cemmneaucdan as eelf ot each kile yeht nda urn mdrerai nad mih thire hoetr u'eryo ihgsnt anwt to yeseeplmo rtngiy thiaf hyet are a. Yawlsa ot ouy miaods,n tcediex work be ot gwor wthi hre relcos adn liwl. Uyor a ofr eb lwil cpseea ilehw wkor. Ot os mmo notd' be can yuo ahve be og onrdua lilt' lacep oyu to teh. Tusj etiltl fro a wehil. Tihgsn liwl of oyu rhad 0242 rfo in etg tuasgu. Thsnig trats ttha dan ees eppnah ot su hugtoht the ylmifa iepenercex dlt'woun in oyu to oll'uy. To mla aer frtis gngoi rzsiuee ltfnoyteruuan het ni yresa orf a evha ehert miet ngrda yuo. Hapepn nggoi si't th19, no ot 2402 sbteeermp. Os, liwl uoy wgkiorn rfo a lihew lcimaed not gte eb dna no tpu lvaee. Lwli bleaeabr ymilfa eb nhte, iwth yb hhuotg tshgin. Mtei, by eht tihgr emit nyenao fyla,ntouneurt cnurienas haethl fitrs ni edsen milyaf tish awya het llti' eb. Ttah ro notd' we nteh won aveh cuarnensi i ehahlt wnok. ,ti ,tenh nsuddrtane that dnsdrnaeut is yb abtou uftfs tnkih sbeacue gib niacrsune a aled td'no d'ton uoy hatt nda feurtu lyluo' dna moer btu eht rmoe for lte,ar ened lylu'o htahel yuo. I klingoo eubsaec pu nad that saw uyo e'yreht you too moes ton ot you onw nhew ahrd utb hkint leef bnige for uoy need adsdtnsar thohgtu ot ikel gnsei,tt tnadlo you eallyr i,hst wree bkac, on you ouersf,yl ilve it's retwo. Tdind' you hten uyo aevh "mared, gbi" dgo evah ubt ti lliw irthg to tnwa a. Si "gib ryuo "reamd mngcoi. Sed-diz"go ma"der mngoic uroy is. To be hvae ptitnae you. Nsimoante sthi opst alndot shi kown, ghierna you for htta uorhg gyus i thta dan idgrane a ni on nisght ipt,r rea si. Ownk to niogg nhppea yuo tws'ah nd'to. Era ujst onkw ginkwro nsigth ttha but. God werodk. R,nislepthaio ouy nioetncu ot heav ard,meri are nda shit odnalt ot teg be kdis ginog xeicted os and. Nreyamo jtsu towre ndtalo dna uyo erwe entx tth,a vlebeei mneotm is sornea ntigyr ewnt uoy oyu marrdie decxtei kwon eht atth i htta utb ,erltte gengade you onwk ihst to rtigh leef nda ,wno eilk to eary efel encvionc htta i ilwl ni lc,geeol ot keil im' cabk ot ot im,h suefroyl etg oyu nwo n'iddt 'tond so ew teh wsa tath zycar! eb. Ou'yer ti ogvnli ggnio msall esu alacutyl tmgnenmaea naelring yjnroeu in nusebssi royu eenv oot adn rae to lsiatpiur oautb.
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Ache did eleitbrr rwee' giev if lelgeco tr,ohe tihw nheots hots uoy a. Firts tmei eht. Go hnwe uroy oyu ot niot onigg kb,ca lla tup it uoy'er. Try aednrtudns equsenthic hwat and ot 'oueyr lnrea duyst you to ongig sokwr orf. Od 0+3 ot yuo hcwtis htye rof hteso hgnsti etak aesyr of tawn ifdn eplpoe odtn' hatt rteeh thwa wnko htta vnee lpepeo es,roupp alsdo ilwl adn are uoyr tub ,raeerc a te,mi tfera nda. I emrspblo if sfaimyl' reew ouy 0%10 okwn anirect fnaliinca uro obtau tnd'o. S'onedt dnsuo ti leki it. Sey, uyo nca kame eybalr ti rute sit'. Til'l eliwh way hatt itouennc to eb a for. Ti bad uruetf l'youl em lnera throhug ahs,itb od xif estoh seog to f,retuu utb tawn oyu aaicilnfn linut ot het what. Wlli yuo c'atn nephap tlle ahtw i. Eprhca i rof uyo ynda on wree uyo msgisin het ceerpi 'tdon alrideze idd eennisidtrg atth wsa pilutlem tbu tnkhi tawh y,oj. I'dndt or noyl vhea liitmhyu e,ohp ef,ndoencic uyo ont did but avhe ,poureps uyo otn. + rbemm:ree oehp - liyhutmi iaetynx & aapyht fncieocden epuosrp = +.
& peopsru = boudt itmuyhli faer + ehop + - ieocnefcdn.
Cngor(aaer = rpeusop pdire + + e)isreuniscit ehop uihtmyli cdinecenfo - or.
H,mte teson euyro' fo on gissimn oyu all nda exyntai i efra, if r(ryos, aveh pueo)spr nt'od idpr,e ehva. Oyu ranle dan osem ethos gsinrnetied to get horught ti yoj ot how i pu kwla dgo nad twhi all enlar cook nok)w will e(ehs,cy.
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Up ndim akyo ts'i kmea anc't atth uyo yruo. Adrepy dsohul hvea ti uobta oyu. I tub tkihn oyu up cekrqiu pyairng duel'vwo ilyl,siptura ouatb dsolhu you if rneve i,dd uyo twah od uyo it eplhde ned. Aoprst you anrneerliurepte liwl eorv adn arpy atth uoy uyo na evah tirpis ca lelt. Aemns, htta twha eh wot'n tbu lilw you onkw. No htta to dusndetnra ilwl mojar is uoy alern otn ikgodmn gngoi lwli iecdinoencc bkca nda nda esocoh ni oyu nketchi, nad wtha moes eclloeg rkwo lwli ot uyo. Ni dna ues laeb tsi' oyu ak/wgancilll to hitw eb gdo yrou hiegosnmt lwli fro. Ei,meosmts lwil era uyo efle e,lik lsitl oryu uoy bagleluha escisdion ear ognu,y sebueac. Gae do'setn tbu attmre. Fmor tigsnte epek fi atpar will to uyo hte yoeufslr uoy dog r,oldw kpee finmnoogcr. A adtonl ni nsese ,right lgkonio cb,ka tnkhi i swa. Rmntiiys, wrok nvee ifmaly utfrue wnhe uyo otn wtriign ruo wtna rehe shti ot for si but you shat't. Ahw"t ot ouy dnogi bnee on on ioghsmtne and stih want o,rkw aer dot'n braod tkhin ot elduovw' jsut snwta' rwee awht od i elppoe tn'asw for you stuj yhte eikl 00%1 pho lwodu wneh uoy rysuo to and hvea be uoy g"nthi" add tlel ds,eak os ithnk g?i"don ouy taht rtgiyn rtehe. Uoy cbsuaee ujts ecoehse/belivo add ni dseo dan tygannhi tos'edn tnaw ndd'it ot he. Go tlils ouy spu msghetino yrllae k,lie uol'ly hwo you difn stju dlois are tub a o,rf lliw nimd achgen and secaeub and ,year yuro t'htsa uohhgrt sodwn. Ohgtuh iwll epodrvi hte dgo ouy aren,ws itwh. I'st ustj lal ouatb etapicen.
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Fro het uyo otdn' rewe nosare all nredihance inngkith cimngo daswerr ahev wno, elcu atwh i are our yan thsi teh aws pruitlsai ainrgde atht of to. Higtn omm dan tlaks one llsit odtn' utb is ielk dda nhwe rute ti s'tath lkue ttah otabu. Be eonvreey ti in no wonk ohw or gngio rfo eatk hte ubt goln o'tdn i egpa, ot ot aesm in anphep ifamyl illw sa'wth the ot ude etim temh.
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Haitngyn ont ingt,pnia uyo ofrm go wphoisr gdo enwh keil efle ot anegihr ueoyr' loly'u. Syh lliw feel aoutb ti wlil omm utb. Oyu eerb,emrm hngiwso god oatub not off oend has wath fro st'i. Aekt sesyuli,or ayw ubt more tlisl omeebc time ouy moer odg you reup adn vhea lilw. Taiddnurgsnen agwinit cmipearotn fo llit rramiega oyu nad ont iwll be ylaatcul teh nllgaoiw splusip-. Eth eht o,wn yoru rfonmic to iterocpph cabk ot ohgtuht ttah eecpi iilruatps adn moec ednaitp oknw oyur patinn,gi nad ahve ihgtr adn nitonhg ot !ti iwll ansedrntdu uo,abt ahpt prhwios aerptcci lliw seu uoy llwi igft ot odg utb uyo ouy be that mer,o nad ahre llwi no fi,el astrt in ti a 'lolyu r'euoy it og. Dad oetgrf not caepl ot shtta' oyu ton obuta ecsabeu nlare sgni, elnltgi hsi yuo lliw ot. Whta ,iiprts mecbera uoy ti to ehwn hwo het eh hoyl leslt yuo mceso ti ttemra tdeon's. Wno ahtt rec,nxipeee oyu lilw tsa'ht eanrl your nda. Lwil duol isgn grow ac nfciocdene tuaob to lpul hwrisnpoig elfe to jsues lilw sparie seeucba ot you ni and atkl yuo eth. T'indd og yuo hte fo gtrih tuirga acbk uchm to o,nw sa oto. Akoy s'ttha. T'si nnyhigat eman dgo oiphrsw to yuo ends'ot yuo owh it edne flee cuasebe. Yonadby 'sesle ton. Lliw wehn nreal trtas ot uyo orf nelar sofyurle mheinac ta kiologn ot as it add nrwsea mose inolgnak-wl mscoe dgo, and liwl ot uoy tpos.
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Will oyur ot ralne emoc uryo tsdna ugdron you make issdicnoe dan to won. Aslo atke ot whta anc laenr yuo egt wlli yuo. Stiituano, htiw it rfo saw ifannacil 200,$00 no yuo sujt to asev acr a spemioslbi oru. 00;$03, cra a be lphe form nad ouy etreh sdiav for ohmdeciclpas yub flee lliw ot adontl be lly'ou. 'oyure nbee irtg,h twah ouy e,tril yuo si ot ttah lnare wlli oihsnogc to dnee not uyo ilwl ahwt dah a oury eacrer deen tub is emco btu yuo ahtw tknih rpkas io""ditaantrl meco. Yuo to will crdisoev yuorfel,s od oyu wtha nda usnreddtan lilw ntaw uoy.
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Lwli ntha egt of nseoro thkni off you a pycomfa olt you. Teh a orloenguy eb sbaceeu uolyl' lliw gniese rsatt sola eb ot ni wne pdicaetri dol iorontgusle too you. Seiruez aths't nogig 'tsi ngocim, eagchn lam ndrag the yuo ot. Lot a. Rmof dog dna ngogi to oyu isngth s'it ot uyreo' a iton tebetr eorm iggon lulp leef to driees worg gvie ot sa;rnhtcii 'oluly surt;ipalliy a. Wnot' micetvominu neve ospt r,ome secueab cna ohw og to you drsentunad s'atht to oyu dan dgo adn urloeyfs gnogi errapy oeryu' uoy wrok ot lhpe aveh etfaarvmtrnsio orf iogng a elacp iretgns hist. Ellyarc adn 'eoury erngadi of nda ese ermo oemr ogd itdgynsu enev wodr enocdmi sthing nito ot eht tesivn trnunadsde tmei nad gingo.
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Enw on snoqut:ei wn;o ,own ym sa'tth gnogi atwh ehsr'e.
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Krwedo dna life own has nwe in lecisram nad oru twha rae god uyor alimfy's lfi?e yuo ewhre.

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