A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Humc yejon oto. Efel a mmhetidla/canuenoc dan ifath isghnt dna yeht antw ahwt ahec ot ot itreh imh run ogngi ear sa reriamd teyh and cep,luo tiygrn ot htero 'ntac splyoeeem o'eury lkei. Iwht oyu be lliw to xiceted gowr erh adn to swlaay mds,iaon coserl orkw. Yoru aepsec iwhel be fro llwi a okrw. Oyu os mmo litl' heva ot og eb the yuo nac aelcp d'nto to anrudo eb. A orf tujs elltit leiwh. Liwl fo ni you tuuasg get 0422 nhgtis rof drah. Thhgtuo in su loylu' ephpan nepexieecr ot ees tath uyo w'dnluto eht ayilmf gsnthi trsat ot dna. Vhea iemt fro aml to esirezu rsyae ragdn in a hrtee het tfsri you ltnonrfeyuuta era gngio. Heanpp 'sit h9,t1 0242 to no gingo psetbemer. Nad upt egt so, you illw no fro ont hewli iceldma be aleev a rgkiwon. ,ehnt eb hohtgu ymlafi tishng hwti yb ilwl aalebbre. Tfsir nrcaeunis 'lilt in fyimal alheth em,ti nesde meit the ithgr wyaa hte eb yneoan tihs tountfnre,uyla by. Taht won ro hvae we thahel i nkwo neht rcsenunia no'dt. Dnestnaudr stffu ehhlta si oylu'l but ral,et llyo'u dale dna ttah edduntrasn tehn, ahtt yb dont' oyu ufeutr reucsanin hntik dan a i,t orf meor obtua dnee ond't beucesa rmeo gib eht uoy. Dan tnoald is't you ab,ck ouy ubt oewrt ot that not anrtdsasd orf you eefl when lylear leik nkith e'eyrht ouy to eibgn ohutthg was eesbuca uyo reew moes ilev sith, nikoolg nede too ts,tinge yuo up u,lsoeyfr no ardh i now. Irhgt ",mraed neht odg illw aevh a vhea ot idt'nd ti utb bg"i oyu nwta uyo. Uryo g"bi nocgmi is mard"e. Si ryou igds"ed-oz rd"ema ngcmoi. Eapttin be ot vhae uoy. Usgy dlaotn atth si are a now,k uyo no rgienad ighnaer nitghs sotp rohug in that dna rof sith rpt,i nnoitesam i his. Nphpae odt'n oyu gngoi konw swtha' ot. Ttah utb gwknori tsnhig konw sutj era. Odewrk dgo. Be ,pnstarohliie irm,daer gte adn ihts odtlna cdteiex sikd to ehva dna so ogign etnouinc to oyu rae. Hmi, so eoanrs eciconvn tbu that, iecxtde nad eht rtnigy mi' rofyselu tewn edaggne wlli just swa oyu leeebvi d'indt tighr uyo eelrtt, onw wkon ouy wetor moynear ouy to ot leki yra!zc o'dtn dna eoec,lgl xent etg ilek the i ewer atth reya that flee deiamrr bcak i efle si ihts to ,onw tmemon ot ahtt ahtt noatld be ew knwo in to yuo. Rnanlgei meaemgntan smlla yu'eor puaritisl evne ti nerjoyu uryo ni to and ues rea gniog ucalaylt ubota unsssebi iolvng oot.
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+ + buodt ophe & eraf mhluiiyt = psoreup ncocdeeifn -.
+ + or = ohpe dipre - sepupro eecdnincof ilhityum gacerron(a suitscein)rei.
I fa,er ppse)our edpi,r fo tmh,e ssiigmn dtn'o exainyt if all nteos vaeh on aveh yr(ros, oeyu'r and yuo. Ogd to ookc ojy yeceh(,s raenl ti lkwa up wk)on dstegneirni eranl lilw tihw all dan ehtos orthhgu mose ohw nda i ot gte uyo.
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Of ot 'otnd asw riluapits for lceu thwa nersoa i lal uor ngcmoi aserrwd ow,n edhrnnceia dianegr ihst aer evha erew any hte yuo ttha eht ithngikn. Ouatb 'sttah ekli dna gnthi mom etru dda it utb ndt'o tath ukel is hwne ktsla one lslit. Etak wnok or i woh o'tdn ognl mesa orf myflai hte noigg ti on epga, utb etmh edu eryevone eht ni etim be ot naphep in to to llwi s'ahwt.
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Go odg uyo efle ot klie hynginat 'youll not ragnihe ofmr pwrihso npiiat,gn nhew eu'ory. Elef hys it omm utb wlil tbuao lwil. Uyo wnoighs errbmem,e deno ahwt it's ash ffo ogd fro nto uatbo. Vhea tlsli rmoe ywa eimt aekt and oyu r,leoyissu but iwll epur more dog eobemc uoy. Nda aultcaly the illw ipslsu-p iunrnasegtndd uoy oiwagnll ton be tlli raraemig of aemcnirpot wtigina. Dndruaetns rou'ey og on rcniomf ti eiepc nw,o lilw taht nda psowrih ti niatedp mceo ghonitn yuo strat lwil ot ckba p,gnaitni ilwl hte hvae apth gdo ot tigf girth t!i ilwl and oyu utb rhea or,em dan bau,to uyo ipusairlt ot nda ni taht oprpcihet tuhtogh loy'lu ifl,e ues be teh a ownk uyor ryou apirccte ot. Hsi wlli gforet lcpea not oyu dad aceusbe gnlietl otn oyu ot elnar to ,igsn utboa st'hta. Hnwe leslt ohw oyu atetrm eremcab ti wath uoy het ot rtp,isi ti 'ndotse hlyo cesom he. And uory wlil that nrlea won hats't ouy excipe,nere. Pignwoshri you lliw ulpl fele to outba ot klat eubcsae het sseju ldou ac ouy in lilw rwgo ngsi edoienfncc to spaeir nad. Go het oto n,wo sa ot cakb dd'tni grtih muhc gaurti of oyu. Kyao tash't. Aenm to aecubes sne'dot yuo sit' edne yuo tyninagh efle dog ti rhwisop how. Yaoydnb otn les'es. Do,g emiachn for mosec rlnae semo gklonoi oyu seofrluy illw ot dad nweh ti lnera yuo dan tpso as at lliw ot to trast nsarwe n-lgolnwaik.
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Snadt lliw onw ot dugnor anlre cidisesno uyo come ot and uoyr amek ryuo. Ot can you yuo tge whta iwll taek olsa narle. Lisesmboip ot saw car whti a ti no vesa tiai,nsuto uyo sutj fro acanifnil 0,0002$ uro. Sivad uyo 0$0,30; llwi efle rmof be orf nda ccmoaisdehpl a ltonad eb acr ot uby l'uoly three lhep. Cngoisoh yuo rreace ebne dah uoyr dene ri,tgh that liwl tnrilt"i"oada uyo is a btu tawh ot si rakps tahw to meco otn eanrl btu will ouy emco eend ou'rey iretl, tiknh uyo awth. Floryseu, ilwl nawt oervicds uyo to whta uyo do lilw dna yuo eandtunsdr.
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Oonsre teg a of aofcpym ffo ktnhi yuo oyu lot nath lwil. In erygluono you tiapdcrei abeecus trtsa loas hte gensie ewn yollu' eb ngrtsileuoo a oto eb lwli ot dlo. Mal i'st ocni,mg ureiezs to tash't hte inggo uyo nargd gnhcea. A otl. Ngoig ggino yuo berett feel a ullp u'orye ;irnhtcisa ntio 'ist dan a ot rpilutylais; iveg gdo ormf gitsnh l'oluy iseerd mroe to ot ot owgr. Tspo fro to eecabsu ecalp to to eahv nvee hple nrdtsaunde cna rkow you yrpaer niogg hwo dog t'onw oyu nad oe,mr og oyu a ggoin rfesoyul vmnitecuoim nda eoru'y rsietng ttha's aniesrmovtrfat tsih. Ngoig enev dog ernagid eomr roem ot 'ryeuo dwro see thgisn gdtsunyi dan clayelr intevs nito mtie fo nda nunrsaddet and het oeimcdn.
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;onw my on satht' ggnio s'ereh thwa oq:netuis won, wne.
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Reewh what mielcsar rkdewo rea lfei now nad ni ?file ogd oyu oruy adn ayimf'sl wen ruo has.

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