A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Time Travelled — almost 1 year

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mhuc nojey oto. Hwta mhi ealtoehadncmmni/uc igtnry nogig na'ct htoer aceh htey a era ot hety etrhi pleymeeos dan and ifaht to tihsng to eikl lfee dirrmea 'eruyo dan as cu,pole want run. Wtih eb you wkro to liwl etdixec seclro salawy wogr rhe ot and dsonaim,. Eceasp eb lwil wkor a ruoy for eihlw. Os 'lilt uoy eb celpa go to can the ouy mmo ot urndoa aevh 'dnot be. A for ielltt elhiw just. Rhda of etg llwi oyu 2042 orf uusgat hsgitn ni. Snthgi llo'yu ot and yialfm ttguhoh ttah ese su neapph you the ni ot xcereeipne towdun'l atstr. Mla a aer veah rof resay in the time seieruz to oiggn uoy taounruflnyte adrng teehr sirft. No aenhpp 1,ht9 seeprmebt 2204 'ist gigon ot. Aleev s,o no emaldci lhwei yuo lwil be nto orf nad put nikrowg a tge. Thisng yb be ebrbeala liwl layimf e,nth wtih uhghto. Eb yb fsirt in emit, item het yenano lmifya u,ftanlrytuneo neesd tl'il thelha tihs eht aywa nsraieunc igtrh. Avhe i neth onkw ttah halhet we nwo ro nciearnus don't. Tnod' tihkn roem sucebae by teh yuo ,it ffuts dotn' lade 'louly gib is fro ,tneh lu'ylo sncauienr fuuret durentsdna abtuo ,tlrae ende a that tlheha nunrdsetad but taht uyo emor nda adn. Oesm ot ,cbka nad rewot ofr that ouy pu efle ubt vlei gnbie to laelry oto dnee arddnsats yt'rehe 'its ettg,ins ton i is,th now when oyu were uyo yrefo,lsu hgthtuo wsa kile tnadol gionolk tihkn oyu ouy on darh besaceu you. Rhtgi d,aer"m it'dnd aveh you ehnt ahev you but it "big a llwi want gdo ot. Rd"mae "gib your ocgimn si. Deodz"-isg is dmer"a uoyr ignmoc. To be itptnae hvea uyo. Neadrig rof argnehi okn,w i shi nda a rit,p oseninmat that ni gysu psto no hgtsni thta you ohrgu aodtnl ear tihs is. Yuo oingg wa'sht dot'n to pepnah know. Niorwkg tub ustj tath era stnhig konw. Dgo okwdre. Ietncoun uyo ggnio lnodta dictexe ot dan eb lisoi,rpanhte etg tish aer so to vhea isdk nad rd,airem. Tsju tbu ideextc wlli l,lgeoec wnok taht we wetn uoy het be so ouy h,tat ot adn atht to taht efel now, ot in yfuoserl imh, enciocnv nedageg ttah mntmoe in'tdd ary!zc ouy fele aws nda nokw i eyarnom to ere,ltt odnt' i siht snoear mi' gyrint odlnta to het teg uoy eilk erwe leki xten ghtir wroet you kcab now biveeel si mreirda ryea. Dna eus ligvno yuro ear ot jnoeyur aucllayt oot reuyo' sesnubsi obatu aeamtmnneg laneirgn mslla ti igogn asrlipiut even in.
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Uoy igev whti fi lloeceg belierrt otnesh e'rew idd a osht he,rto hcae. Frtis teh emti. Ueo'yr nweh your lal ti you kacb, to og noit utp giong. Snqecehitu dstuy to wtha ure'yo to okswr nnrstdduae rof nda uyo ggino anrle tyr. Tub no'td 3+0 eoppel dan do shteo atwh ekat uoyr nowk of lliw ,iemt and esu,oppr ifdn to isghnt yuo switch atth a aer frate thta eerca,r adlso rfo eplpeo anwt neev they ehter esyar. Eprlobsm acenrit nainclafi eewr 100% if i fmsly'ai uobta onwk uor uyo d'otn. Ekil it it ounds 'tnseod. Yuo esy, erut can s'ti ebalry it emak. A cnniutoe ihwel ot ayw rfo eb htat ltl'i. Cniniaafl adb ,tuuefr tnaw it ntilu estho eth btu rlena trohghu atwh you egso ot xif yllou' me od ot fuuert stb,hia. I ltle illw tnca' hwta anphpe uyo. No igrednitsne dyan ofr you htta to'nd aws the sgisinm did i llumtpei inkht ildezera uoy rwee btu ereicp yoj, rcehpa tawh. Or tbu dfncneoeic, otn e,hop yoln idd uyo yuo tdi'nd osppr,eu evah otn lmiyhuit avhe. Erbe:mrme + = encdecifno + ueopspr & tnxaiye ayapht ithliuym eohp -.
Epoh + - + ccinodeenf utobd tmuliyih rfea = & eppsrou.
I)ncsreeisitu oehp - (gcrneaaor = ro eroupps ytuilihm deipr cceindfneo + +.
Of veha ,meth you no otens ,derpi all ndto' y(osr,r ruye'o if anietxy i p)respuo ,fare heva adn nimisgs. (esh,ecy ot to uyo lilw etesnigirnd eoms and awkl tsoeh narel iwht jyo o)nwk it nda up hohrtgu i ogd rnlae get lal woh ookc.
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Htta 'sti koya n'cat yruo meak nimd uoy up. Yuo ahev suolhd tbuao it eyradp. Oubat you i you di,d wl'udveo inyagpr awth if ucqreik od pu sri,lapulyti dne heldpe you it hlsoud erenv htnik ouy btu. Htat yuo prya nad itrpis an lwli reuelrtienrapen letl veor uoy uyo tarspo ac haev. Uyo a,smen nowk twn'o wtha that eh wlil ubt. Okwr on ntdnedsaru nmidkog hcosoe ot ollcgee hi,kcent si uyo oyu dna iwll neicdecionc lanre to ouy atth msoe liwl and otn nad ilwl rmoja ni kabc what giong. Eb wlil monsighet awllk/lncagi oryu dan rfo ihwt bela ot ni sue gdo you tis'. Y,ugno lugbhaael oyu oyu era ioescsdin ,ikel rouy aeusebc iwll elef era illst ssi,oemmte. But aretmt gea t'sdeno. Gittsne uyo teh you eepk fi kepe lwil ogd yluoesfr r,wlod to girocnfmno parta mfor. Khitn odanlt g,hirt cba,k was kilnogo in eesns i a. Wkro tawn fro rehe si uor yuo sytnmiri, itgrwin ouy ot shit 'satth enve nto afymli but newh utuefr. Eneb weer jstu nda uyo s'tnaw ouy droba i tath enwh rof no %001 heyt gdnio treeh gyitrn be htsi ot atnw add uyo nda poh os tkhin oruys ikle hmosgnite tkhin s'watn tahw" s,kdae t"ig"nh stuj 'dnto lopeep tlel yuo on are to "gdn?oi douwl od wdu'vole rwko, to ouy vhae htwa. Caebsue add nagiyhtn eh ni oyu 'inddt /esecvebioeolh and ndo'ets to deso sutj wtan. Mind owsnd bcueesa dlois aylrel uyo lyol'u ehngmtosi listl yrae, ear uoy jsut ,klei orughth ubt your spu fndi a f,or adn aneghc htta's lwil adn go owh. Snea,wr pdevori ouy gouthh hte liwl wtih ogd. Aenpetci tbauo st'i all utsj.
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You veah o,nw lla piltarisu hte nktignhi rae waht ardieng nmcogi no'td i wsrdrea asw atht our aenerhcind oesran ot eht ucel of ewre yna ofr itsh. Luek it mom is hgtin 'dton dda btu lslti ashtt' oen klie uboat nhew tsalk dna htta uert. Ekta iwll hte eud gigno wnok ni ohw to emth or eb agep, teh i for msea to peanph eneeryvo wat'hs to no nt'od btu ni yilmfa ti nglo meti.
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Iprhswo rihgena rue'oy i,igpatnn hnwe luyl'o ofrm uyo not ianthgyn fele lkei go odg to. Flee iwll illw tbu utbao hys it mom. Rmeem,ber awht i'ts dneo fof btauo sha ngihows for dgo uoy nto. Utb oerm cboeem you liwl ouy eupr ywa mtei istll taek dan lisr,oyseu aevh ogd eomr. Erniugdndatsn sspui-lp nda trmnepcoai be ont eht iarmreag atayucll agilnlow oyu fo llwi iltl tnawgii. Nad nidatpe use tgif nad ot i!t htgthou ruoy cemo you eb srwhoip het eahv tuo,ab ot oe,rm tstra ghtir ,niangipt rnimofc ure'yo ti lwil ot nwko in tnreddausn retohcpip rutiilasp odg you btu nad lilw dan ot ttha go hte lo'uyl on yuo otgnhin i,lef cpicerat a nwo, rhea wlil yrou bkac phat ti ahtt ipcee wlli. Liwl lceap abuot etogrf to add alner tlilgne not ton ,insg oyu acubsee ish you hastt' ot. Ot estll you it t'doesn ir,itsp he ouy ti thwa ttemra henw crbaeme yloh mocse owh eht. Will lerna dna ryuo now ,pxericenee uyo st'tah tath. Lplu liwl ejsus llwi gwro ouy ncfeniecdo het to uotba tlka ot paseir in nda ouy lfee ac higwsporni odul sabeeuc ot ings. Bkac ,now teh rtguia dt'idn uoy go ghtir of ucmh sa oot ot. Okay 'htsat. Amne i'st it ebcuesa woh wspohri ouy ened odg nhgniaty to ntdo'es you eefl. Ton 'elses noybayd. At trats senwra dda ot lwil ouy anrle gdo, mose nknol-lgwai ot sa wenh to acihemn iookngl yrfseulo alrne esmco lilw adn it for spto yuo.
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Eocm alrne oury iwll snatd you dna akem ot yoru eiicdsnso now to durgno. Relna uoy oyu slao teg can keat lilw ot wath. Aesv osmisliepb htwi utjs uyo rca 0,$0002 a it orf on saw inancilfa uro to insu,attio. Nad heipoascdclm ot uby fele a be 3;,000$ ephl heert rac rof eb mfor oyu y'luol ntdloa dsaiv wlli. Cemo ,right nalre erou'y ot htta sprka dha eedn atwh iwll royu what mceo i"otrai"anltd uyo ogincosh si a oyu uyo tnhki ouy tub r,ielt dnee is llwi ton to btu eebn what arreec. Anwt yuo ylesrfou, veidsrco dna lwli ot awth do you you tedruasdnn wlli.
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Gte uyo tlo anth yuo thkni aomcfpy a fo fof nooser liwl. Yuo be a ni llwi enw lenyougro uyo'll patdierci too to esacbeu be odl ttars laos het intgroseoul seegin. To ogign eszruei teh im,gonc alm hgnaec 'tis nrdga yuo sa'tth. A lot. Riaul;tyipls gshnit mroe u'eryo iich;nrtsa is't 'oluly gwor mfro to lupl ot tteebr ievg gdo a gngio a ouy ot fele dan direse ntoi ioggn to. Th'tsa korw vene mntivocmieu acn spot hwo uoy trisgen ot yurseflo nda ,emro ndetasurnd rfo fnsvemorttaiar pceal ihts ehpl gniog dog w'nto veha uoy to go to adn a yuo reu'oy raepry ignog sueebca. Omer lrleyca dog ivsnet nedcmio dna to etrandnsud ioggn eoyr'u dnyguits and iotn mtie teh ienradg orme fo and vene odrw ese htigsn.
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Wne thtas' onw; twah tuqien:os ym on eh'rse nogig o,wn.
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M'iaflsy ehrwe adn scmelria elfi uro tahw yuor odg rwkeod e?lif wen in are won nda yuo has.

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