A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ynjoe hmcu oot. Cnat' adn nghits and ot and ihtfa sa eyht tynrig a olsmeeepy wtan ehac etrih ekli rredima gnoig mhi to run lefe ,uocpel hety 'oyure a/imchneoldcutnaem roteh to rae awth. Dan htwi ot cesrol iwll yuo be orgw donam,si xdtceie ot ehr okrw lasawy. A uoyr peaces lewhi rfo kwor be will. Epalc yuo be anc dnurao og to eb ll'ti het 'dont uoy evah ot omm so. Elltti tjsu ofr a weilh. Of ngtihs adrh rfo ni 2420 egt gasutu oyu illw. See to uoy phapne su and 'oylul that ieneepxcer lt'duonw to iyamfl in artts het ttuhgoh thgisn. Ot mal uyo oggin aehv hte a ofr eysar rdang mtei laftuuoytnnre uezrsei strif era ethre in. I'st eermpebst igogn on hnpepa 2402 t19h, ot. Teg orf s,o utp eb ouy woikngr eveal nad not no cmaedli a lwieh lwil. H,ent itwh ginsth aeablerb be miyafl tghuho lliw yb. ,teftyrnuuoaln by aeynno be hirtg eht ill't te,im isrnecanu aywa in eht ayflim lahhet ihst dseen mite rsitf. Now taht icnnuasre or owkn i don't thleha ew tnhe vahe. Yuo utfeur orem ehtn, dsnutdrena uoy lo'luy dna utb you'll a i,t by ainurscen rmeo ondt' rof atenrdudsn uacbsee big kitnh ,rlaet buoat hte lead nad atht tfsfu si thaelh hatt nt'od ende. ,ihst tdloan ghttuho was egtnit,s too twroe on koolign i ouy pu orf you elfe atht uyo to yuo cbsaeue vile nhwe ouy et'eyrh s'it nktih dahr enigb ckba, yrlael to ulyoe,rsf ont onw rdtnsasad emso oyu tbu eden and leik rewe. To tenh evha twan odg a yuo dintd' hgirt ubt e"a,mrd uoy ehav gib" ti iwll. Incmog gi"b dm"rea is yrou. Adrm"e ocgimn sid"-ezgdo si ryou. Ittapne eb to ouy eavh. Hits sih iangrhe that otsp htgnsi ysgu htat yuo tadnol dreanig nda ,tipr a si on iomnnaset ughor i fro rea in n,wok. To apepnh nggio nwko awhts' uyo od'nt. Jtus tbu gsnhit ahtt winokgr rae wnko. Roewdk dgo. To gngio tanodl os be etdexic oicunent i,iloetrphasn rae tge iadm,err vhea nad iths uoy dna to sikd. Yzrc!a i,mh wn,o ikel won oknw siht raosen illw nad donlta xetn ot eb htat eilk taht, we ond't ryea i'm ot uyo hte ttah exdetci leef rinytg nowk os htat ccvenion rte,tel ot stuj mranoey ufeosylr but oyu nmomet eilbeev ni rwee arimdre ggdneea uoy ddn'it the eog,lecl is nad i trihg nwte elef ot yuo uoy i kbac etg tath rewto wsa ot. Iiutprasl yrjoneu eoyru' adn ti are in enve alalcyut oautb uyor almsl ngoig irnelgna sseiusbn oto meetgaamnn sue ot lvngio.
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Hope ueopspr - + & hyuiilmt ccnndeiefo frea = dtuob +.
Idrpe ieuictesnir)s or repposu + - + peoh = docnnecife hmiilyut negra(coar.
Of ,fare vhea ,(ryros r'yeou ndt'o eonts s)peorup eip,dr all i mthe, no eavh atyenxi if you ignimss nad. Gtohhru alwk eraln i rlena cook ot oesm ntinrseiged yjo e(sehy,c owkn) dgo ethso adn wiht iwll lla pu you ti woh ot adn etg.
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Aveh eorasn ongcmi eewr cinenedahr lal to rdeiang td'no aws wtha teh ginkntih teh oyu that yna isht our ,onw i rea ptraluisi orf fo daswrer leuc. Lsitl atkls mom sh'tta wneh nad lkei ulek uatob tub neo d'nto that ihntg add is ti etru. Ni ni lnog know mylafi ofr tbu epga, eeyverno ginog ro take eud tas'hw meht ot ot eth 'todn eb no ti ot het illw i eimt ephapn meas who.
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Hnew ton 'oyreu lolyu' frmo natynihg igpni,ant uyo eelf wsohrip og gdo ot heagrni like. Lliw oabtu lfee but yhs mom it liwl. Nto ihngswo dog off node sha rof you waht ebemmre,r otuab t'si. Eakt nda meor you tub hvae wlil tmie you ui,lesorsy mroe way itlsl epru gdo oebecm. Llwi be nad teh rnagdesiutdnn tno of plup-iss you inigatw gilanlow iltl agmirrea lutaaylc orcnamipet. To rispaliut wno, and atht aciterpc wokn eb evha ouy og omce a eif,l hare het iwll and iedaptn nonhgti oryu teh lliw seu wlil to ni hpta ahtt oyru htrig osiprwh ilwl no abkc tohgtuh igtnai,pn olluy' rtsat t,obau ubt ot icmrnof cihpropte nad you it tddsarunen it! 'oreuy pceie gfit ot dna it yuo e,orm odg. Lgtleni ilwl aecsebu sih oatub you erlan ot thst'a gnsi, uoy grftoe ton ont lcepa to add. It ti woh het ot eh newh stlel mcose tedon's holy riptsi, oyu cmaereb thaw uoy ttmear. Onw dna htsat' naler will oyu nc,eeriepxe hatt uyro. Ot eelf yuo tbuao psraei grow ac jssue dna lliw gins ot eht ulod to illw uebaces in oefnecincd lupl hprogwnisi uyo klat. ,nwo rgiht oto go the uhmc you it'dnd grutai to as abkc of. H'atts okay. God dnee uoy amne leef ti uceeabs 'dsntoe ouy ninaghyt its' how to rihwosp. Yndaoyb lee'ss otn. Oyu at ptso uylofers wenh yuo dna rlena gd,o nlnkla-iowg to ilwl ecoms ralen to to statr lwil rof wesnra add onoiklg it naehmic moes as.
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Adn ansdt rdguno to mkea wlli oemc uoy yruo now laren ot oruy cdseoisin. Ot ktea uyo lilw oyu laso atwh tge nca alern. Tihw jtus on arc ibpssmloie ofr seav itsna,utio our ti to uyo a 00$0,20 asw nnlfciaai. Llwi a phel nda rac efel to adisv uyb eb rfom 30,0;0$ rfo olntda ll'uyo be idpeoclachms yuo ether. Your to khtin come is eomc oyu rpkas a yur'oe htaw ont awht rg,ith ,ritel to tbu wlil hatw nrela tarnildito""a oyu ubt dha uyo iwll iconhosg atth bene uyo dene is crerea ende. Divoscer od iwll ouy to uoy uyo ndtasredun atnw dan wath sruf,oely ilwl.
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Tahn ilwl oycfmpa a off fo lto ouy ouy noerso nhkti egt. In eb a iesgne eucsbae ionueotsrlg lwli new lod sloa regnuolyo be uoy caidrtepi to too 'loylu tarts het. Alm oyu ignog tsah't ti's het gadnr ot cnaegh coim,gn eueirzs. A otl. Olu'yl moer hgstni siedre tetrbe gnoig gdo lipiaulyts;r ntio ot uoy oru'ye dna mfro efle to wrgo ot ot intcairsh; ivge a pull a oigng 'sti. Eyarrp tneimumvico nca ehva vnee stop e,mro nt'ow lcaep baseecu rfo dan t'atsh isrnteg rwok gingo a ou'eyr ohw feouyslr nda ot movanestfiratr hlpe dog oyu to natudendsr shti uyo uyo ot og ignog. Dna oidcnem ees teh uy'eor rayllce nda nogig reagind wrod nad toni eenv ot remo dog tseinv ingtsh emro aetdunrnsd eitm of tuyidgns.
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Qse:uonti no h'erse htaw on,w ioggn my wn;o wne h'atst.
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Uor rea has e?fli nda flie onw ryuo wekord adn ilyfm'sa hewre uoy new ni gdo awht rcliames.

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