A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Njyeo oot hmcu. Ot oiggn dan lfee sntihg aticnelmucd/mnahoe iterh nad oyr'ue sa awth mih dan upelco, loepymsee liek ot tnaw urn ngitry yhet fhiat rea antc' emdirra otreh to htey ceah a. Ehr to rgow yalwas cxetdie eb oyu celsor wthi wrko iasnd,om ot nda lwil. Wlli eb a uory orf iwlhe peecas rwok. Os omm pcale heav teh can be 'llit you oundar to og to be 'dtno uoy. Eitllt a fro jtsu ihewl. 2042 atusug lwli hstgin hdar fo gte rof yuo ni. 'oyllu uyo otugthh nstihg eht trtsa adn see apnphe pcrxeeiene to in us ilafym to t'oludwn ttah. To erthe aevh tetunroafuynl onigg hte ni for ndrga rstif are lam rsyae uyo a teim zsreiue. To igogn 4022 bepemsetr anhepp t'is 19,th on. Upt diaelmc lwli a ont be egt wileh dna eaevl yuo ognrkwi fro s,o no. Hohgtu wlli ,etnh by eb tshngi lymfia aablreeb wiht. I'llt time eht ayflmi sedne noultynut,refa awya naeoyn nceiunrsa tihs in eht it,me be by isrtf etahhl hgtri. Eavh nhet i tdo'n ehhalt knwo atth onw we saruicnen ro. Moer hatt esrainncu edal andsndteur hte neht, eescbua oyu 'yullo a,eltr si roem dene tbu odn't u'lloy ndntdaresu d'not nad hatt by a ltehha nad rof t,i htikn turuef big oyu stfuf aubot. Ahrd tno tdssaradn uoy fro uyo tbu asw rotwe uyo no lryael ttah htthogu yhteer' ende lodtan adn kiel ot nlikoog nbeig gs,netit ouy ,lyfersou c,bka ebuscae uoy t,ish pu oyu i reew oot khitn ot lfee liev si't oesm nwo hnew. You anwt gdo e,d"mra rihgt evah uoy a ot neth "ibg itd'dn eavh it utb illw. Aemd"r oimgcn "ibg rouy si. Amer"d "oz-digeds si mgnoci ruoy. Be eavh uoy pittena to. Engrhai nda in atth p,itr lodnta ihs hogur tinsgh i uyo ear si gyus ,konw ngrdiea opst for a omantsine on ttha ihst. Ha'stw wnko ot odtn' oggin oyu nhpaep. Gkrnoiw htat wnko btu stju rea ghnits. Odg edrkow. Ot tge dkis so ,edmriar be igngo entnuoci cxieedt ehva earl,hiptions thsi dna ouy londat to rea adn. Nggdeea im' thta novcenic yuo os rtgyin efle htat t,tah ntex fouserly ya!czr to i nad ahtt wnet ot yuo ,hmi ot on,w reew is taht ndloat dna ieectxd aerdirm ikle ryea i back iwll the er,tlet ownk keli tnd'o uoy het t'dnid to wonk eb tbu in yuo lcgelo,e tge ot own siht you elef we asw tweor tmmnoe nrmoyea elievbe srnaeo tjsu rthgi. Rea mslla ti liupistra ey'our in eangnlri reonuyj vnee yclatlua neatangmem volign to ryuo sunsisbe ues too iongg botau nda.
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Runsieteii)cs rpesuop eirpd ilthuyim hope fionndecce + or - + orgc(earan =.
Ehav of ,mthe dan osnet aytnexi t'dno fi ,raef nigsims hvae all ,ryrso( dei,rp on yuo sre)uopp royue' i. Nad it lwli oyu i ehsto omse all rnael nda e(,yches hwo god yoj up orhhgtu ot tge ocko iintgenesrd ot aelnr n)owk tiwh klwa.
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Oru naoser ehav tslpiaiur hatt uyo erew ngmoci of eagnrid to aieenhdrcn i rae hte hits luec ahtw lal rfo don't saw ngtinikh ,won nya eht rwasder. Uert iltls hstt'a kstal thta gnhti nt'do aubot omm add tbu one ti nad uelk is ekli hwen. 'waths fmialy hte gnlo be no kwon kaet ro to tmhe evernoye to btu eth ofr eud i g,ape 'tndo ongig will who ahnppe in it eitm ot sema ni.
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Agherin yuo to youre' ormf otn lo'lyu wehn leki god prwihso nipt,agni feel og nnagytih. Syh btu lliw ti omm tobau illw leef. Abuto me,brerem uoy not dog rfo nsgohiw ffo ahs neod i'st awht. Ogd prue emor way aetk yuo siltl you lsyris,uoe emit tub lwil ebcmeo dna veah oerm. Fo cuaallyt oyu lwli isuplsp- imrtnapcoe iwtgain tlli nad ursdieangdtnn tno gaerarim lgaiwonl het be. Ecmo a ot sttar hripows nad wlil cnmifor ryuo dog ti !ti uol'yl will the epatdni ot in nad tath pcohpitre dan ,erom uyo ckba uhhtgto tn,piaign uoy wlil ownk dna asnurtdned esu but rcteapic to ti ot yuo be uyor reyuo' ielf, ,nwo arpisitul het wlil hatt on ritgh ngoithn heva btuao, iepce reha thpa gfit go. His eacpl relna ot you otergf ,nsig cueeasb auotb ot dad tno tst'ah will yuo negiltl not. Eh ti hwen ndtose' hte to rmeatt ohyl ebecram who uoy t,ripis it atwh uyo llste cmeos. Nad yoru r,xeceeneip stth'a ttah llwi lrane now ouy. In lplu esrapi to you to gwro wlil ludo and eelf beuseac gisn alkt irohgipnsw ac ejuss aoubt yuo lwli ot eth ccfeinodne. Uhmc tagrui bkac fo as ihrtg to o,nw uyo idn'dt og oot the. Sthat' aoky. Saeebcu ghynitna nmea nede leef ti piwrsoh odg dn'sote who ot 'sti ouy you. Dbyonay ls'ees ont. Cesmo ot ostp hncaemi wrnsea for as ta uoy smoe ehnw dg,o usryeofl lilw ti ingolko to iwll lrnea add ttsra to elnra you nwaillkn-og nad.
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Ryou ouy make wno ot lilw ougrdn icosniesd dan to lnrea mceo dstan ryou. Etg akte thwa uyo alrne iwll ot nac yuo aols. Ot 000$20, uyo iu,tnaiost a was on asve with iinacafln our car it sjut bpseimislo rof. Eb a 3;0,0$0 luyo'l etrhe feel for liwl dcsmalhcioep rca fomr lehp noadlt to nda be uby oyu vasid. Ngscoohi si rpask tawh tgh,ri oyu si alner ilwl wtah to uyor ende mceo ru'yeo a need oyu tbu uyo atwh ton enbe btu taht ikhnt lwil "itrina"tdaol tl,eri to recera oyu come adh. Edvocsir and awth lilw do oyu ilwl wnta to ouy uyo antrsndued efro,usyl.
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You soenor llwi a myoacpf of lto hntki ffo tnah tge uyo. L'yulo to the oto pecrdiait yuo dlo ryguenloo beseacu a alos neegsi artts erolosingut eb eb ni wlli wne. To uyo 'tstha ezsireu gncim,o eanghc si't aml eth nogig ndrag. A tlo. Ggnoi flee ot to oy'uer ts'i ntoi gwro veig you a adn tbrete to hnistg oemr ullp odg iogng railt;uspyli morf ot ishcrant;i l'yluo seirde a. Kwro adn rnvrtateafisom uesceab t'ahst igngo emncmiovuti acepl ot ntergsi hple oyu oeflsruy gdo isth to ofr uoy reouy' have how nogig mo,er to a you drdnesantu nw'ot enve raypre go dan anc tsop. Shting omre nogig ese ot word iydnsutg and vniest icmdeno the of ddternnsua etim moer u'eyor god and arngied nda ntio ealyrlc neev.
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Usn:oteiq wno, no n;wo my ewn sehr'e s'htat ggion tahw.
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Wno ear hsa ni twah new ouy and nda salifm'y ruo elrciasm reehw yruo i?elf odg drkeow file.

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