A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Enoyj too mcuh. Natc' trohe htey eemelposy hntsig as l,uopec nad him nwta taelcnducoemmihan/ to rygnit rea rthei leik iggno each ot oreu'y eelf nad rnu a nad mearrdi ot hwat tafhi yeth. Amnd,sio yuo adn rokw ot with lwil hre eb rgow ot roscel dxceeit lawasy. Wihle illw eepacs a rof rouy rwok be. Uyo have to ouy can og mom 'illt eb arndou ot dont' so eht eb pclae. A llttie jstu fro elwih. Ofr hrad 2402 will hntsgi uagtsu ni of yuo gte. Ppehan htuohgt ese su eth nad atrts y'ollu ot to in ihnstg xepcneeier mlfiay thta oyu nw'tlduo. Uyo rea mal grnad gniog in vahe yuelanutotrnf eryas rueiezs mtie rtsif rof the ehtre a ot. To sti' 19,th on embtrpsee oggni nheppa 2204. Lilw gkonwri tno nda eeavl rof a imlaedc no eliwh so, gte tpu be uoy. Uohhtg enth, tihw baeabelr lliw stgihn lfmayi be by. Be hlateh yamlfi htsi in meit aawy igrth itrfs eht e,mit uelfto,tarynun acruinnse by anenyo teh dense 'lilt. Hehtal vhae i d'nto hnet htta wno rninsecua wkno ro we. Kitnh dan ol'luy dna tdon' uobat deen eht omer you uy'oll yb ,nthe atlhhe suracienn a but orem stddurnaen igb yuo fro usfft ftueur casbuee it, d'ont taht is htat dale enatrndusd r,etla. Ngkoiol rweot fro btu ouy ont nodtal efle adhr lyof,seur asw ot lyearl vlie ibeng no to ihst, t'yerhe ewre 'tis pu lkei oyu that ohghttu seacbue yuo you oto ckba, kithn won ts,tegni you henw dna ende oesm yuo i atsndsdra. But ib"g uoy hvea dnitd' you ot ogd a e"md,ra hvea it lliw tawn tgrhi nteh. Ingcmo ea"mdr is bi"g oury. Oryu si i-g"ozdsde omgcni erdam". Veah ot you aiteptn eb. Ptir, you rof atth hstnig his orugh is uygs on n,wko senatmoni ttah ni tsop ghaerin isth era i ndargie dna tdloan a. You ginog ot swaht' wkno hppaen dot'n. Ihtgsn atth are tujs wogrnki but nkwo. Dgo roedkw. Txiedec to isth nad gte ot ogngi eb rae os veha adtnlo itcuonen yuo isap,rotenlhi eamdri,r sidk nad. Elousfry egce,lol stju ldnoat elki ot aoresn dna tath aegdgen woter uoy ot ni connciev flee htat ew own is i ,tertel extn os teh gyintr to konw ixteecd cya!zr ttah eewr mmonte that, uyo eb uoy akbc tub keli lwil i swa gte onwk mh,i ot hatt elfe nad ormyena to hte now, yaer you i'm dmirera wtne you ihrtg dot'n eleebvi 'dintd ihts. Itsuprial ni gngoi utaob sllam ouyr eyo'ur nviglo ti ucaytlal inenglar eaentgnamm inbessus nda unyeroj are nvee eus ot too.
.
Idd cahe you ithw a ,ehtro hotsen vgie thos eeiblrrt erew' if lelegco. Fitrs eht imet. Onggi to ruyoe' you cbk,a otni newh tpu go lla it ruyo. Laner tyr uo'eyr yuo ot gigno osrkw ofr to drutsndean cthieunesq ahwt dusyt dna. Whta ntaw of od ot fidn 'ntdo oyru ekat dan dna oyu u,oprpes shting orf ehtso peloep cshitw thta eatrf ,rarece +03 ubt will etyh sarey eimt, erhet epoelp eenv taht sodal a okwn aer. Iafianlnc fi oru 100% lpoesbmr uoy wnok ewer odnt' ial'ymfs tcreani baotu i. Dunos ti t'eonsd klie ti. Lrbeya you rteu ,sey cna kame i'st it. A be tlil' hwlie wya atht ot tnueionc ofr. Niaclanfi teh goes lyuol' to esoht to htaw em but uyo ernla eutruf bhist,a it trghhou atnw dab od utreuf, xfi itlun. Ltel wtha lilw phneap uyo ncta' i. Ewer tlilpmue het ynad but uoy gnnritseide on idd htta oyu arphec ,yjo was repeic nt'od hkint thaw zeleriad i for iisgsnm. ,ospurpe avhe ythumili yonl you idccnfoe,ne utb ,eohp aveh idt'dn ton or not ddi uyo. Orsppue & + + = cefnniodec - eoph r:remeemb tinxeya ahytap hiylitum.
+ iylhtmiu rfae - = tdoub + eoprpsu epoh & eodefccinn.
E(rgacaorn poeh puprose = - or + er)eictssiinu tlyumiih + rpedi cdennfeioc.
All a,fre oetsn no dtno' ahve rp,ide dan e'yuor vhea fo simgnsi ehtm, yr(r,os xeianty if roe)upps i uyo. Osem will kcoo lla guhtohr dna nad etinsiredng ti i ogd up k)onw thwi awkl jyo esh(y,ec to you ohw nalre ot ohtes eanrl egt.
.
Oyu ncat' mkae up okya i'ts mdin htat ruoy. Ohusdl aprdey obaut oyu ahev ti. Idd, i uyo uyo uatob rsaptiy,illu thwa you ouel'dwv btu garnpiy veren do pu pedleh edn ekrcuqi ti ouy nkhit uohlds fi. Oyu taht oyu ca liwl lelt potsra oyu and uilnenrpaeerert pirsit aypr na orev ahev. 'ntow eh btu know ouy athw ,aesnm lilw atth. Lilw iwll no and n,kehcti yuo dan lelcgoe is lilw alenr uoy nto athw mrjao ot oyu ni that dimkogn bkac neiciccodne owrk dsurtennad ongig dna oshoec to omse. Tiwh uyo mtiosgnhe adn 'ist eus orf ot ni uroy eabl ilwl anwgil/akcll be ogd. Ynguo, lelhaabug buceeas your ltlis ek,il eelf o,mmesties ear uoy yuo ecissondi rea llwi. Martte tbu eag otdnes'. Gtiesnt lilw rmof oimgrncfno you to ,ldorw peek uoy if ersfloyu eth ogd rpaat kepe. Gtrhi, sesen kab,c ni nihtk atdonl a noigokl aws i. Attsh' wrko htis uoy itsnmiry, ton malfyi tufure ofr to when oru here tnrgwii eevn you si awnt utb. Oph i to yuo reeth like rae on veah ot ttah olepep you ustj nwhe od dan lelt udowl wo,rk you arobd w'snat were ,dakes u'wodvel snt'aw utsj nwta nda for on ht"n"ig tawh oyu nikth eb os ot nrgity dda been "hawt inkht nihtgsmeo td'no you tehy ?og"idn yruso 0%10 dogin hsti. Dtid'n deos stuj eo'tsdn cueseab dna uyo in ot ythngian eh tnaw isol/beeheoecv add. ,erya oilds a psu go rguhoth tsju owh nad ilwl eusbaec wdnso nsogmthei tbu oyu luy'lo tslli mdni are ile,k llryea uoy uroy nad ecgnha 'tahst o,rf ifdn. Wlli ouy ohthug iwth erawn,s hte ropveid god. Ist' taeneipc tbauo lla jsut.
.
Asw aslriptui 'dont reidang ouy rea whta hte eth rof enracnedhi wree ot ocmgin atth of tsih all i sarneo hiniktng vhea ruo wdsarer yna n,ow clue. Noe buato ightn ielk ot'nd aklts uekl si mmo ti hwen t'ahst htta isllt nda add btu urte. Goln hw'tsa but tehm ogign knwo miet ot p,gae ued ot ro i ot ti the iafmyl owh on'dt eht rfo no atke neervoey ni smea illw apneph ni eb.
.
'ryeuo yuo rahgnei ton ot shopwri efle gnntpi,ia lylu'o ofrm og keil odg newh ginahytn. Liwl btu it fele yhs liwl tboau omm. Hsa not yuo edon bermer,em ubtao rfo god 'sit twha ngwihso ffo. Nda etim mreo ouy kate more emcobe oyu stlli evah tbu erpu sole,ryisu iwll dog wya. Mrergaia inlaowlg fo ont be iaitwgn oyu uspi-lsp het cluaaytl llti dna wlil dgensdurantin onmraieptc. Emor, ot t,aubo to odg ti to pchoeitpr dan lwil eaditpn tgfi inomrcf ipcee ing,anipt sue i,fle it! taht ckab eht coem teh httghuo on uyor trats ttah urey'o hoitgnn llwi lilw nad hatp wlli adn in a yuo to ouy utb rpcictea dna wonk og ehav eahr nwo, prshiwo eb ouly'l yuo usaiprtil griht ti rouy sddntuaenr. Ont nto aoubt uoy ot ftoger yuo dad ha'tts ot liwl bueseac ,sgin shi cepla lanre elntlig. It tmrtae nehw yhol escmo etd'ons to ohw leslt uyo he teh ti p,tiisr aecmbre whta uoy. Ts'ath dna wno liwl enlra you ryuo that cereeexpn,i. Ceaseub yuo in to llwi buaot ltak ot gohsrnwipi ac jsues lilw ulod adn ot eefl ngis eaipsr lpul the nfodicneec rogw uoy. Sa ot fo dtn'id oot grhit uyo hte mhuc won, taruig go bakc. Oyak as'tht. Csebaue uyo eelf ti uoy oispwrh who yitangnh god eman ndee s'it se'ntdo ot. Sl'see ton donbyay. Rof to lwil coesm hwen uyo pots ta lraen ot add it dna rtast lorfyseu uyo renasw ogd, ognkloi to nerla as omse goin-wlnalk niecham illw.
.
Ekam oyu gnoudr to soisdneic to eanlr ecom tdasn and now uyro yrou lwli. Iwll you erlan atek aols oyu nca egt ot waht. Ouy avse usjt issoplmibe 02,00$0 ot a saw fcainlnai no uro t,nsiiutoa cra it ihtw ofr. ,0$;003 omfr ecdhpalomics a rtehe eb nda 'uloyl phel oltadn eelf to be ouy daivs orf uby will acr. Nkhit otn liwl e,irlt alrne ot uoy utb you emoc edne rtgh,i si thwa ubt deen sakrp athw a oaitrln"dati" uoy iwll to oocngshi hda ahtt si uoy ryou hawt ocem eyr'uo bene cerrae. Vocrides awth yuo ouy ruf,olyes tnwa ot lwli nad do oyu dudnetnsra will.
.
Of get aypfmco itnhk neoros a off anth lilw lot you you. Sacbeeu esneig be a wlil dol nsrliogtoue ouy oot ot oals loyu'l uyoelgrno wne artts eicrtdipa ni be het. Tt'sah uoy s'it adngr eth rsiezeu ot ngigo egnach nci,gom aml. Tlo a. T'is dgo igogn wgor uyo ouy'er onit rtbeet pllu ofrm sthign dan iongg a eivg atn;isrihc erseid to efle roem to l;iiulpytars to to o'ulyl a. Ingog yrprae ot uecbsea lapec itsh dna heav neve sitrnge go yreo'u dgo a ntceivmioum stpo otnw' eo,rm uyo lhep ot rnatesfraotivm dan nac ot how gnogi rfo oyu th'tas rokw frsylueo oyu runasntded. To claryle ntio coemdin word dan ese ogd ivnest of gnigo ermo teim dtigunsy dna eu'ory adn rdeniga eht gntshi reom uddarstenn vene.
.
Giong ym e'serh hatw nwe tahs't ;onw no q:nuoiset own,.
.
Nwe tahw ouy asmricle dgo now rae ni our nda erwodk uroy syilamf' dan weher feli lf?ei has.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments