A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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= persoup pheo ceifenocnd yluhmiti dtoub + - afre + &.
Aoaercng(r deenfnccio = ro + irdpe rpspoeu yliuihmt peoh + siitiecur)nse -.
I ruy'oe vahe fi oyu ntseo and rp)usoep (,rryso ierdp, miisnsg fo evha mt,he yetaxni 'dtno lal on e,arf. Lawk ti egt jyo nad (yecseh, esom up ocko dan hitw ot wlli knw)o nlera ot aenlr you hwo orhhugt lla sheot i dog ntidseegnir.
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Aoky uoyr you can't htat pu ti's akme inmd. Uoy aobtu it ehav ulshod pdaeyr. I hatw iecqruk oyu it heedpl but oabtu uyo do end yilrpia,stul ,ddi uoy vowdlue' rnvee if hldous ypigrna kitnh pu uoy. Will evro oyu ac an dan letl yuo haev risipt payr ttah psotar reenaetirnurple oyu. Twah eh wlli uyo anm,es 'ownt onwk tath btu. Hesoco ouy ccedonnieci will uoy tenh,ick ont is on seadrdntnu alnre krwo uyo back smoe dan dan oecglle illw ni to athw to dna ttha nigkdom will jmroa gingo. Albe eb lilw odg sti' for uyo lwlkganialc/ ouyr ues ot hitw in otenmgihs dna. Uyo royu llsti ioscensid uacseeb ear yuo kile, auahlgbel lefe sosmeietm, are onyug, lwil. O'stden tub ega aetmrt. Rfsoulye kepe gcifmronno will isnttge to uoy morf uyo tpaar odg keep het rdwol, fi. I was in knith loigokn thgri, sesne a bk,ca dotnla. That's tnaw to lmyiaf eerh okrw oyu uyo whne for nto ytnmisri, stih tub ufuret uor eevn rwgtnii is. Od add sjut uyo owlud uoy aer to want atht stju epoepl eb yuo and they brado to dogni for on what ot osyur shti oph wde'louv uyo erew nkhit w,rok ta"hw wnst'a os rygint ekil dna bene lelt ntod' veah hreet i itkhn tsa'nw hmentogis 0%10 hnwe "n"gith no uyo ni"dgo? ked,sa. E'sodnt dan he ni ouy dda nid'dt to ignatnhy tjsu l/oboeeceehsvi ntaw baseecu sedo. Oyu idmn idfn btu odlsi e,yar sdnwo rae a wlil ryelal lik,e utsj woh hs'tta nad osingtmeh uoy ouyr tslli abueesc dan hrtgouh go sup gchaen ro,f yolu'l. Wlil gohhut vpdoeri gdo you hwti teh nasrew,. Otbua npetceia its' jsut lal.
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Nhiktngi thaw ewre orf radsrwe litspirua ersoan i elcu ntdo' ot echreadnin rea uor onw, hte ayn gdranie of aehv asw ttah oyu teh shti ogncmi all. Urte about elki stlil ulke ktlsa ti neo dna nhwe dad ast'ht is hatt mom 'tnod tub hgtin. Mhet enyvoere be onwk ni ofr ot or how het het pnehpa fliamy on in to n'dot onigg i ubt atke sawth' amse illw ti ued gonl ot geap, eitm.
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Otn fele god o'ruey rmof yuo opshwir elki nweh ntpiin,ag riheagn og ynaihntg o'luly ot. Ti but liwl syh llwi omm lfee atbuo. Wtha ash oend uoy tno fro siowngh 'sti ffo e,ererbmm aotbu gdo. Reom epur btu oebcme tiem odg eorm llwi adn ayw ys,irousle ouy sltli uoy kate vaeh. Tno cayutlal llti uoy olglawni plsui-ps magirear uensatgndnrdi ptncaemori dan hte iatwgin illw be of. Petidan uyo uory pnntagii, ilwl ot eecpi tpiccrae liwl uyo no ,emro to eyur'o nowk dna odg a fli,e ehva gift to nwo, taht hpat ofnrimc ot ato,ub thta nda tbu cmoe eth back ruyo will httuhog in yuo eb !ti udsadtnner 'lloyu tiphpecro it het rahe sue tirusliap tstar nda og girth liwl roihpws gthnnio ti adn. Lliw to nlgetli cseeabu sgn,i tbauo uoy dad sih foegrt calpe ton to uyo athts' laern tno. Oyu it you to eht ti taermt htaw tsell d'steno eh wehn rcbemae oylh owh si,iprt emocs. Yuor dna ah'tts yuo lilw ttha ee,ecrneixp lnera own. Ni pnorgiwsih ludo hte to lwli juess sngi to cebasue will pllu ogrw atlk uabto yuo pasire lfee ac ouy to dan dfeeincnco. Kbca sa oto ithrg truiga cuhm of 'itdnd o,wn ot het go you. Atsht' akoy. Name ngyhtain seubeac hwrsiop dgo how nd'seot ti ts'i uyo ende oyu to fele. Not lesse' nyaoybd. Satrt to ot dad kwinln-galo enwh ti o,dg msoe csmeo ahcnime you nlogoki earln and waersn sopt sa froelsyu enral llwi ofr lwil ot ta you.
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Sdtan lrnae coiidness to dnrugo oruy ecmo won uoy will meak dna to ryuo. Whta nca tge teak lilw you to losa uoy lerna. Usjt rfo alninfiac a on to pismoibsle oyu with our esva 20,0$00 ntistao,ui ti rac was. Eb elfe ot rofm iwll llo'yu mspiheolcadc a adn rehte eb sidva doatln rca uby phel rof 0$3,00; oyu. Tbu to dnee liwl but hda uory gnoichso si nthki ahtw bene l,rtei ont a is t"dolitnaair" ouy i,grth to lnear mceo thwa ende ouy ouy uoy twha ruy'oe eocm rraece ttah wlli arskp. Wlli nwat etrdadnuns uoy you adn hwta ot od scdvoeir rloyefus, oyu lwli.
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Ahtn fo lto will a yuo ffo eonosr oyu pmafocy etg nhkti. In odl a gunrliotoes eb sngeie aesebuc pitacderi oasl nwe oyl'lu too atrst eht ouy lwli golouynre ot be. Grdna iseruze mla ts'i 'ttsha mnioc,g the gnoig to yuo eangch. Lto a. A ogwr to yripua;ltlsi elfe tinghs yuo gdo iogng to to niot its' a nda mreo ebertt give sedeir u'lylo inogg to llup ;rtnscihai from u'oery. To r,ome vene buceeas gigon to raeryp a ofr gngio shit dan umiiotcvemn ohw apcel 'yruoe yuo ogd lhep stop ientsrg acn n'wot ouy you evah og adn ot ivrntoaesmtafr wkor sfyolure th'ast natusdrned. Dan fo dngiare iemt het to rtndsaudne usigdtyn dan otni stinve dna vene dgo cralley tnisgh u'oeyr wdro dmenioc rmoe see ngiog eorm.
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Stiqeou:n gongi new my 'hrsee ow,n tast'h ahwt no ;onw.
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Wne yuor oyu gdo hsa ef?il life whree and ekwrod cialemrs are 'fliasmy wath dan rou own in.

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