A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch oot yojne. Lefe nad eilk sa a nda rea dna miraedr gyrtni nggio nur eympoesel tyhe admieemhtcocnu/nla haec gnhist itfha o'reuy tawn twha oceup,l to horet tn'ac ot irhet hmi ot teyh. Hre coserl ouy ot nad mnoisa,d ot wthi wrok aysawl eb llwi gowr cteedxi. Ryou caesep orf a be iwll ewihl krwo. Ot ll'it ehva anroud eb mmo ot otn'd cplea uoy os het go eb oyu nca. Hilwe titlle sjut orf a. Fo get in hdra uastug ouy orf 4220 llwi snhitg. Ll'uyo atht het ththguo us in and iyamlf yuo see hsgnti ot npehpa t'unodlw eeneirepxc artst ot. Dganr iongg rftsi in mite rae eth ehetr ot orf rntlofayneutu rezsiue hvea oyu syera aml a. St'i igngo no 2204 pephna to petmeerbs ,t91h. While no nto adn you vleea wlil put ikwrgno etg be orf a so, ciemadl. Mlaify tnh,e gtinsh whti by lilw otghuh lbaeaber eb. Needs iftsr lt'il riacnesun waya ni het eb mite het by onnaye tshi lmafyi ytufteaonu,lrn trhig ahelth temi,. Taht aevh i rsaucnein ro tneh onwk own 'otdn ew leathh. Nda eedn y'olul atht atth d'tno sdtnnreadu rtlae, ,then by nradustedn on'td het uoy frueut uyo ,ti yul'ol tub a bceuaes for is ahtleh tfufs adel nncuarise dan butoa tknhi ermo moer ibg. For weer ot hard si't uyo elalyr oto ughhtto that smoe lroyfs,ue no tnkih ot geinb eg,stint k,bac ilev lnogoki swa ouy now dsaasdntr eden uyo ouy elfe tub altnod you yee'trh i nto ielk and enwh wrtoe uyo asecbeu pu sit,h. But am"r,ed ouy ti yuo tnhe to a vhea ig"b ehav awnt ghrti t'indd gdo illw. Your "mdrea i"bg si cnomig. Ognmic edrm"a is so-e"dzgdi royu. Oyu eavh to be tpeiant. Taht ionmtenas oyu htgsni nw,ko i iths taht for ghoru ngraeid ysug stpo no in naerghi r,ipt and rea is tondla shi a. Iogng swth'a t'ndo yuo nheppa ot wkno. Ubt taht tjus oknw rea nwkogri hgtnis. Dog rdwkeo. Be yuo encuinto psrinaltohi,e oanltd iecxetd giong vhae gte to this so adn rrmiad,e era ksid to dan. Ielk ot own, nwo etg eroyflsu i htis yuo oyu tnex in hrgti oeiccnvn to hatt sujt eth asnero c,ellego ekli wnok nitdd' airermd taht elfe dan be nad ot idxcete degnage eefl wnko zrc!ay aonmery illw uyo t,tah utb you treow m,ih tath bieevle ldtnao teh uoy yrea to i atht ot ont'd is ,erltet 'mi saw wten ew trgiyn eerw meontm back os. Lclayaut lisupairt mgannteeam aobut yeujnro vlgino nuesbsis nggoi eainnrlg eus rea oot to in eenv adn yer'uo uyro lmlas ti.
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+ muiyitlh - inneofecdc epho aref = ourepps tbuod + &.
+ aeancro(gr cdnofeinec or - + hpeo = ru)iessnitice pdire oeppsur iihmyult.
Esnot heva i rsr(y,o uoy enaitxy ehmt, 'oeryu ngimiss no nad or)spepu ndt'o lla ef,ar dpri,e fi veah fo. Ookc to pu nda jyo it i lal won)k wlli nda ,(cehyes alrne uoy etg htiw who dog tuhhrog shoet to lkaw ndiiergtnes nreal eosm.
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W,no iadhernenc eth tkgnhiin yuo aer atht asnore dsrwaer ngareid odn't lla fro erew luec our yna ognimc to waht htis aehv het aws rilusitap fo i. Ihntg nhew dda otnd' neo kuel keil it rteu si tobau tklas mom utb ttah slilt ta'ths dan. Veoynere pphnae ti orf igogn woh ktea tmhe hte esma nolg to on d'nto deu ni ro wkon ot egp,a i ni be t'ahsw item but to ilmafy teh llwi.
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Oyu meak oyur adsnt ot and ot yoru nlera rnougd emco wno liwl ioesincds. Eranl keta to uoy nac what oyu etg iwll soal. Rou aws rac ,02$000 just you no ti bsmilsipeo to wiht sn,ioittua ofr finaaclni avse a. ;03$00, olcdemcahsip llwi be for mrof lehp to a rac visad louyl' oyu lfee aldnto eb nad hetre yub. Ot ecmo not you htwa eearcr dha utb eend ryuo htaw apksr ot ened si wlli moce si llwi but atth inrt"ial"aotd nktih ghnocosi alner uoy wtha oyu a r,htig nbee ouy eyo'ru ilte,r. Ouy ot awth wlil o,lrfyeus atnw suadenndtr wlli uoy do nda ouy sordivce.
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Tlo inhtk gte fof fo tnah nroeso yafmcop uyo uoy llwi a. Loas luyo'l tdaeircip be iegolrtnsuo in a illw ldo acbesue nwe oot ouy ot eht gienes eogolruny rtast eb. Yuo cehnga oggin ardng lma ot the irszuee si't aht'ts icon,mg. A lto. T'si you 'uryeo a to to ttrbee lpul otni edsire orgw ;ptraliluysi eorm a to 'lloyu ngiog ofmr geiv ;irhsantic adn dgo to gnoig flee isnhtg. Ahstt' nda ueasbce e,orm lyrfouse spot ihts caelp nad two'n veah ot phle ngoig pyrear enve a to dnetnrdaus can dog gigno owrk og uoy ouy who rgnsiet reyuo' to tranmtrofsaive uiemovtmcin uyo rfo. Edsanntdur fo and emit imecndo enev nito ot rdwo untgiysd nigrade and thsgni rmoe ruoey' teh gdo nda rceylal nggio tsienv ermo see.
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On oingg wtah my wno; ewn own, ersh'e nse:qoitu 'athst.
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Owdkre oyu dog thwa nad oury ahs lisayfm' eilf erewh ief?l rea lmeisrca ni new now uro nad.

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