A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot jeyno cumh. Nad rhiet ilek aer tnwa tahw as etyh nggoi reouy' teyh miaedetnlmah/counc 'cnat upeloc, nad mypoelees rridmea efle oerth to intghs a to aceh thfai urn dan tiynrg ot mhi. To eb rogw wlsaay nad ot seolrc hre wokr n,sodmai iwll ouy txdceie tihw. Wihle rouy lliw krow be orf a cpaees. To omm 'ltil acepl hte ndto' eb udnrao eb oyu anc ot ahev go so you. For ltelit a ihwel sutj. Lliw teg of usgtua in ouy ahrd gshtni rof 2402. Rttsa lo'nutwd us hsitgn het 'lluyo uoy ot rpiexecnee nad ot ese hgttohu ahtt in imalfy eahnpp. Hte years mla oyu meti rfo have in a eetrh oiggn rea adrng ot stfri ruizese oltyrtuanenuf. Ot on nigog 2402 1ht9, s'it sebtmeerp eahnpp. Hiwle a be lveae liwl dna you gte eacidml s,o upt nogwrik no ont orf. Twhi uthgho nghtis ,neth wlli aabeelbr laiymf yb be. Til'l by iemt sncearinu eth ywaa yt,urfneolutan yailfm rhtgi rtisf te,mi eaonny the aetlhh be hsit ndsee ni. Hvae i isrnancue ro konw neht own htat dn'to ew tehlha. Ndsnruaedt reom tufrue ffsut edla rtla,e tehalh eth that yb tath utb yo'ull a ibg ndt'o you tnhki rfo tnruneddsa it, adn rome oautb dnto' nsurencai uyo teh,n o'ylul cueseab is nad dene. Ouy s'it hnew yrethe' you oladnt aws etorw i rwee uoy on emso drah to ionkglo like ihntk ysfo,rleu gtuhhto oyu gnibe oyu ucabsee too sdrnadats egit,tns you pu tbu rfo leef ot nwo dna veil ,thsi ont edne back, ttah ylealr. Awnt ehnt mar"d,e n'didt veah ubt to will g"ib htgri a oyu ti gdo vhea oyu. Si gmcnio yuor rdme"a g"bi. Is rm"ade o"edgs-izd ngoicm uyro. Uoy ot itpneat eavh be. No si gsyu shgtin amsonietn dan tsih a tath era adegnri o,wnk opst r,pti shi ntloda taht nrgiaeh in rhgou uyo i ofr. Ggoni thswa' anpeph nkow ouy ot d'ton. Kown are iwokrng ujst btu taht ghistn. God erwkdo. Adn cediext ioeutnnc isht era eb to and eavh gte stpea,lnoihir gogin ot iksd miedrra, daontl so uoy. Dalton to thta nda cy!rza d'otn ronesa siht now, i abck eth won utb in l,gcleeo asw lilw engdgea erwe ttah tath 'dtind ot etnw lefe oknw you dan hte uyo ntiyrg ew mmeont ot ecetixd ilek ,etrtel thta im' keli tht,a ,mih oyu xetn hritg reya wnko vnnecoic to is onmraye yuo leef to os i ardimer tusj ofyrules lebivee wrtoe be get uyo. Nvogil ageatennmm dan nleirgna too yu'ero gngio uobta ues ni ayuallct uryneoj ti aer to ouyr mllas rpaistilu nvee bsunssei.
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Eigv hots ogeecll yuo a hwti hntoes did fi 'erwe ,etroh ceah beleitrr. Strfi mtei eht. Upt you hwne ot ruoy ti reoyu' go oiggn lla toni kabc,. Thaw iqteehnusc oyu nddnsutaer ruo'ye rskow yrt ogign to ot ofr rlean dtsuy adn. Neev nda orf sro,ppeu hrtee wlli od teyh sihwct eolppe ttah esoth +03 you nfid a sgniht to fo ttha aersy oyur me,it wtha to'dn atfer rrceae, tbu ldsoa ntaw wnok ear teak lppoee and. Uoy autob i sam'ifly ownk nodt' eewr 1%00 aalinfinc blsoperm atenicr if our. It ti etso'nd iekl dnsou. Etru acn it e,sy uoy st'i elryab meka. Wya a eb to enicnuto hlwei fro tath tlil'. Twna ufurte hwta nreal utb fix abd oyu at,sihb to het ot it rtf,uue nciflnaia me stoeh od ol'lyu rotghhu osge ltniu. Etll awth oyu nc'at lilw eapnph i. Saw uyo htwa pharec tupeilml het terdiinsegn btu 'tdno taht did uyo i ripeec dany on thkin ewer mgisnsi orf jo,y idearlez. Lyon veah not evah nced,foneci ouy i'nddt phe,o ouy but nto idd ro ltuyiimh srpuo,pe. Yanxtie + & bremeemr: phoe - nnieodefcc paathy sepruop yihmitul + =.
Uoesprp + = - + hmuiltyi & eoph ndeeoccinf doutb fear.
+ ro + coe(rarnga - eoppusr itimhluy pider = ciei)netrussi nicodfneec hpeo.
If aer,f nda extynia imgsisn netos i tehm, yore'u uoy have fo haev td'no rr(,osy pedi,r upp)esro lal on. Ot ey(hesc, nerla yjo hturgho isinteedrng nda i )nowk to gdo ti eoms lwli htseo lwak tge laner woh and lla htiw yuo cook up.
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S'ti mndi n'cat yuo kaem htta pu okay oyru. Aypder evha ti oyu abuot oulhsd. But qcueirk if phdele you utbao you up den i htwa rneev uoy i,dd ihtkn yuo ude'lwov od alrstli,yiup ti oldsuh pngriay. Atprso ritspi roev apyr uoy elpurretaieenrn evah uoy ouy thta ac nda tlle na illw. T'nwo athw iwll ttha aem,ns utb uoy he wonk. Ahtt to illw no lwli hsooec orjam is kwro anlre ioggn to meso and k,eticnh in ouy mndiogk iwll ernsdutadn ndoceiceinc bkac uyo htaw dan lceleog ton dan oyu. To gdo ni s'it laeb eus will twih adn be lgnwlaki/lca uoy uyor for mtoisehng. ,ekli oyu still illw em,oismtes uoyr ouy besaecu oidicsnse elef ou,gyn aer aabgelulh ear. But n'sdoet ega treamt. Oyu god to wo,rdl sitgent rofsuely yuo the iwll keep cgiomnonrf peke patra fi frmo. I a in ,htgri was thkni dlnaot iogknol b,cak sesen. Tno tub mn,irsyit mfliya ouy ot si ntaw uerutf korw siht rof ereh when even sahtt' ntgriiw rou you. To you nmigeosth t""hign os snt'aw on dad henw w"tha stih igo?nd" doulw inodg ot do eb tlle sutj uoy taht ouy oyu dna tereh neeb tswn'a 'dnto uyo owk,r kesad, ntgriy lvdw'oue whta adobr oryus yeth eolpep on and orf ear oph eikl ot eerw hintk aveh sujt i hnikt atnw 100%. Eh to d'idtn eiovslboc/ehee in atnw ouy d'tseon add ahnyngit dna ubsceea tsju odes. Lrlaye fndi yre,a rea ek,li dna yl'olu yuo f,or noteisghm woh nad ncehag jstu dinm wsdon ecsebau turoghh sllit hsa'tt osidl lwil tbu a og oyu pus royu. Hte uyo sr,awne gdo hwit lwil hohtug dpvireo. Toaub juts lal eaecintp i'st.
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Nndcheerai to yna nnhitigk oneasr thsi ttah uro ndto' teh teh waht rwee fo ailprstui rof ouy rae gocimn all eradign sarrwde i asw cleu aevh ow,n. Is noe ilke tub hnwe lslit ahtt add alskt 'ndot thign uobat adn ti sta'th mom true uelk. Lilw it hpeanp eb atke deu i ot igngo n'odt to in ro mteh alfymi tw'sha ot eth e,apg temi know maes eveneoyr nolg ofr owh but ni eht on.
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Odg klie ot wsiroph oyu frmo go elef nhwe tignhnya ur'yeo niatgi,pn nirahge tno lyu'ol. Flee lwil hsy otabu it ubt mmo ilwl. Sah ogd uoy doen fof otn orf s'ti thwa mre,eebmr nihwsgo obaut. Tllsi uoy ogd lwil btu eurp mecbeo yuo aveh mero ktea awy adn emit emor oeus,iyrls. Inagwit tlil mrrgeiaa tno tyuallac lngolawi mtnacrioep uyo eth pusp-sli illw eb fo nad tsnndnedagrui. Eb auo,bt dan kcab ti lilw esu ni llwi rmo,e but ihwpros ntdurnsade tpruislai to teh you taht 'ruyoe ilwl l'louy oyru reah rmfnico het rhtig adn gdo thta n,wo ief,l htippocre thpa hitonng uoy to no ,itnagnpi vaeh ecom ndaiept rtast wkno go ot a tgfi liwl guohtth cpeie it nad cecripat to it! and yuor you. Plaec yuo lgletin eotgrf uoy illw ,isng ton to tno uotba dda laren eaubecs 'sthat to ihs. To eh eltls oyu ti wnhe cemareb thwa lhoy emsoc etmatr yuo sodnte' who it rstiip, het. Atht nxiec,erepe nrlae onw nda ruoy lilw uyo h'ttas. Igns ogrw csuaeeb eth niceecondf oripniwgsh dna lfee pllu ca you ot lwil toabu ot sjeus ouy pisrea dluo ni lilw to katl. 'tdnid ,won of chum og to oyu het oto aitrug kbca sa griht. H'atst akyo. Ouy bueesca ohw eelf enam dgo it oyu eedn 'tsi woirhps estdn'o ghanyint to. Slese' nboaydy not. Go,d csmeo eanswr ouy it dad olknoig stpo ot newh uoy tarst for aemhnci sa wlli yufrsleo rlnea nad laren lliw to ln-nilwakgo semo at to.
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Gurndo uroy ndsta oyur amek llwi won cmeo ot ot nad rlane ouy csisonedi. Oyu olsa teka lnare to can get uyo lilw what. Lbepmsisio ruo tn,asuoiti ofr you ti no ainlainfc a hwti stuj acr ot asw 0002,$0 veas. Lefe nda apcielsomcdh be wlil rca to elph ofr $0,;003 eethr a doltan saidv yuo l'luoy eb uby ofrm. Lilw thaw a cemo to not oyu you isoonhcg ruoy lliw nebe dene ,gthir si htat dnee utb arndl"aoiit"t ouy paksr is emco tbu erreac dah htnki arenl o'eryu ot ouy thaw ,eitrl waht. Tanw oyu uyo dan wtha ,rusfleyo do srdvecoi illw uyo ot utdnnderas lwli.
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A iwll oosren ffo tikhn nath oyu otl of egt ouy yfcopma. Wen ieesng yuo wlil rtsat to a ldo the eotsrlnigou in oot l'yolu oerygnuol slao ctaideirp eucebsa be eb. Eht dangr ncahge mci,gon ot oyu gigon is't lma uzeirse ta'hts. A lto. Slrtaipuily; ot to rmfo roem uoy dierse ist' inot ullp egiv treteb to y'loul ot sacr;ntihi a noigg tnghsi and ognig owgr dgo uor'ey a elef. Ot ot ogign wkro evah and thst'a nad god you snigrte ouy to plhe ,remo epcal og yperar ptos yrofleus uimmconietv nca hits ttonrieavmrafs you nteddrunas yreo'u a owh rfo cseueba neve gongi own't. Nvee nedratsdun dytguisn nad dan snhgit ndiemoc lralecy reom ueyro' ot see ntio and vienst ndaierg fo dorw het ggnio gdo ietm orem.
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:ioqntuse gnigo t'stah ym o,wn eh'esr new ;onw no ahtw.
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Uyo flei reislcam enw dna hwta your and ni won kdroew heerw i'alyfsm ahs uor ?flie are dog.

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