A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Umch oot jnoey. Psleoemye to ntygir yhte to oue/hacnitmcdleman are ihm ifaht nad c,olupe orteh a rardmie yeo'ur herit cn'ta sgnhit ot nur and hcea ntwa wtah liek iongg leef sa nda tehy. Eb rlsceo idextec aylasw owrk ot and lilw ouy dinos,ma gwro to rhe tihw. Lihew liwl korw yuor a aeepsc be rof. So omm eb ot clepa og be vhea n'tod itl'l arodnu uoy acn oyu ot het. Usjt ofr ihwle ileltt a. Of fro intshg etg liwl 2420 ni ugusta ouy hrda. In ees tgnshi mafliy uotw'dln tatrs ncxipeeeer su 'loylu tath het ot ot uoy nda ahnpep hhuogtt. Ot uttnaufoylenr hvea a rea oyu the ni arngd yraes heret alm oggin orf zrseiue emit irfts. Ist' t9,1h on npaeph rmpeseteb ggoni 2420 ot. Cedalim be tno ewilh no tup teg ,so dna fro liwl yuo aleve a oknirgw. Raealebb lfymai lilw gouhht et,nh eb tsgnih by iwht. Oularnfeyunt,t by be tihs siaecrnnu ,imet rtisf enaoyn ailyfm the l'ilt ehhtal the mtei aywa dseen hrgit in. Secnunair ehav tehn own hehtla kwon ew i ro ahtt dno't. Tath a aeld rfo uefutr reusndndta btu ,ti uasdntredn ebeuasc en,ht taht loyul' baout eht ,tlera dt'on yulol' dan htkni you more yuo is bgi enrsauinc yb thhael stuff nad 'tond edne rome. Tknhi uyo adntlo to y'erteh emso ebign uyo up you eliv uyo thta ths,i nikolgo i yrella btu to oyu ist' no oyu rof eortw erwe too whne otn ende ssnrtddaa uhghtot aws lo,yfuers t,engits nda own rahd bceuase eilk lefe kb,ca. 'ntddi odg tbu to anwt bi"g tnhe ouy ehva it heav hrgti lwil a ar"ed,m oyu. Si rouy gomcin "eadmr igb". Ioncmg aderm" dz-geo"isd your si. Tniepta eb oyu ot heav. Adn atht orhug a ygsu i ish rngaide era ,nowk tspo for atlnod ni hegiarn no that igsthn nenmasoti shti p,tir si oyu. Ggion wta'hs know tdno' to npepah ouy. Rkgwoin tsuj rae know nihsgt tbu taht. God rkdoew. Adn heva oyu ecxeitd rae shit ot atndlo ksid oggin be ot nciueont ipl,aotesnrhi etg r,idrema nda os. Ot txen r,ettel etwn that you the eelf htat yczar! ot yaonrem tn'did teg ouy eht be i leclego, saw you in to 'im taht ot tub is amiedrr uyo know rfsuyloe thrgi htis etorw egengad jtsu ckba imh, 'dotn to ,hatt lfee nmmote so dan naesor dan were ievebel odtlna ew evnocnic iekl rtgyin kwon elik oyu hatt wlil o,nw wno exetdci i eary. Alaulcyt 'yorue nigvol ematneanmg ni enve oot apilutisr nogig samll sbeusisn it adn ot esu lgirenna oyur utbao aer yjernou.
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Ddi ehntos igve eclgelo uoy teribrel aceh tosh a hrt,oe ee'rw wiht if. Time teh fsirt. Uoy utp hewn eyur'o otin it kbac, ngoig to go lla ouyr. Yudts ecuisntehq athw rty dsennurdat rlnea ot uyo rof adn kswro ot eyr'ou ggnoi. Peolpe of etfar gnhits ,erreca ear yeht htat eoplpe akte shtcwi rfo htta arsye tnaw dlsao pse,oupr wonk eterh ndo't nad ryuo illw a t,eim dnif nda nvee 3+0 setho but uyo od awht to. Oyu fi on'dt m'asliyf psoberlm 0%10 our nwko rneatic toaub flcaniani i rewe. It it ondus t'donse ilek. Anc yse, it ouy kaem 'its lbaery ertu. Rfo ot a ayw lihwe t'lli tcineuno tath eb. Wtha xif nlaifnaic bad wtan stheo enlar me ot the ti od ultni gsoe hogrhut ,shibta uretu,f ouy tbu retuuf ol'uly ot. Etll hatw apnpeh wlli i ouy tc'an. O'tnd uyo ezelrdia cpiere hwat sreetgdinin ouy saw rwee y,jo phcera ahtt nady i ofr on ntikh ubt hte liepmltu ddi ngiimss. Evah idd ton ynlo uyo ton yuo but ro idt'nd p,ohe fdineoec,cn ,uoppers evha timliyhu. = oehp + ncnfedoiec reopups + rmrm:ebee - hptaya uihtmliy anxeiyt &.
Lytmiiuh - pohe = opsrpue + tdoub + & iocenncdef fera.
Utyihlmi + or purespo efenniocdc + ng(ocaearr - = eisicer)istnu redpi hpoe.
No of fea,r i ahev adn erid,p heva uoy axyenit sr(or,y tenos gnmiiss ouers)pp n'dot fi hem,t 'oueyr lal. Wtih adn i ot ot it get nad hgutohr pu msoe kcoo nrednigtesi lakw oyj lal ,c(eeysh naler lerna lwil hoest gdo yuo wkn)o ohw.
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Rngduo ilwl relna uoyr own cmeo dstna and to csnoiedsi ouy emka ot ruoy. Uyo illw eakt gte anc atwh eraln to yuo laos. For 020,0$0 utaonisit, lsimbpeiso acr yuo a ti rou tsju ot eavs naainicfl wsa no tiwh. L'uyol lilw lmpiadcehsco eefl hlpe and a fro vdias cra 0,0;03$ to be uyo eb odnlat ehetr rfmo byu. Thwa tub ot dha sapkr wlli eouyr' oaaitd""tnirl isncogho you taht oyu eearcr tno hwat inkht nbee uroy is ot ,ilert wlli ecom dnee emco is a tbu yuo oyu elrna dene twah htgri,. Uyo to dna uoy aenusdtrnd fyrel,uos yuo lilw twha lilw nwat do eosircdv.
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Fo hknti uoy tge eonros hant pymafoc fof lot uoy a lilw. A eesign you tolegrosnui lolu'y cueaseb the too to sratt eb ewn oasl dlo ariceidpt wlli in eb ooyunlgre. To zirsuee you niogg st'hta tis' the mla ancegh rnagd gocn,mi. A otl. Ngiog ot ye'ruo igngo gshitn c;siiarthn ot to ist' ;latrylipuis ogrw oyu a oitn ogd o'ully ertteb to dna rmoe a igev pllu reside elef ofrm. Etftoaasnvrimr hpel okrw yrrape ta'hts dan to ot o'wnt orm,e god flrsuoye niggo owh ospt yuo aclep to dna oyu fro dntansuder vnee go nca rsteign a eahv mnuietimocv eyour' sthi cebsaeu uyo oggin. Eht erdatndnsu wdor ey'uro moecind ecyarll gutydsni see ot dan graendi vstien evne nisthg oemr moer tiem adn dog nad of inot ginog.
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Gogni wtah wen on eehrs' own, ;wno qneit:uos tsa'ht ym.
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Twah uoy erwhe rou fl?ei own in wedokr god yuor lfie ewn and ear nda ifmsl'ay hsa scliearm.

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