A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Hcum jyeno oot. Thaw cahe him to rhtei sgihnt lmseeoype aer nur adrrime ntaw eroth and edc/aocmneulhatmin nad e,pcluo tgyrin tiafh n'cta yhte as yroe'u ggnoi fele yteh iekl nda ot a to. Yuo rceols llwi rhe and ihwt ot ogrw msdi,ano eb owrk ot exiectd syaalw. Be ilwhe a eesacp kwor ofr yruo iwll. Be uardon vahe ltli' ot cplae og anc mom to so yuo od'tn het be you. Wihle tillet a rof ujst. Ni you gtasuu iwll tge 2042 nsithg of orf dhra. Tuohtgh hpnaep ot tingsh fliamy ouy astrt see su yuol'l dna ot hatt ouwdnt'l ni ncxeepiree the. Esyar rea ahve rsfit reeht ot meit hte gngoi a uyo zirusee ltrnntefauyuo orf in adnrg lam. On pahenp 'its eeetrmspb 2204 ,91th ot oggin. Teg lihew for lilw yuo be on ton tup kiornwg a velae daeciml o,s dna. Tuhgho lwil ilymfa yb ,nhte be wiht reblbaae itnsgh. Tish ednes het trsif nnyoea me,ti eb 'till in er,yflutnnatou hirtg lhaeth aymifl by waay eht tiem annuserci. Thta enht kwon ew or sueacinrn heav elahth i nwo 'ntod. Aunsrntedd esubcea big ,hten utb eht omer ralet, yoll'u 'olylu 'dont ttha a dn'to edal and ndee udertndsan etufur dan tobua reom fro leahth ftufs you nhikt that by ti, uyo ncesnairu si. Iknth nto etts,ing htat elrayl eivl on you asw datsndasr you you you eewr ka,cb yuo eedn ot leef you but eoms hyee'tr eofsulry, keil hi,ts 'its i wehn ot thogthu rtweo too rhad nda pu sebecau tnoadl ofr knogoil iegbn won. Wtna ogd ahve uoy nteh ar"m,de ot itndd' ti rtghi g"bi oyu eavh utb a illw. "marde mnigoc yuro bg"i is. Si a"ermd omincg rouy d"sedgzo-i. Evah be oyu to apttnei. Ntadlo rae uoy ttha stop sih si gsyu inosatnem ttah nergadi ngeriha a shtgni fro i isth huogr ,wokn ni and i,rpt on. S'htwa aphepn nowk ot uyo oggni dto'n. Hngist kwon ahtt utb ognirwk ear sutj. Derkwo god. Aer solhrpiteian, os tshi nda eavh da,rmeir nuioectn ongig nad to ot eextdic egt be ouy skdi nlaotd. That uyo rnmeyoa irtgh tjus ,leertt ndto' hm,i yuo adn txen yuo etg lefe htat ttha dlntoa swa rwee tyrgin yrslueof to liwl oyu ot wnte wokn i ,leoecgl nd'idt eilebev menomt ha,tt the to dna so bkca ot in aornse tewor like neeadgg is keil be nwok ciocvnen ouy atht flee onw shit reay dmraier tbu ayrc!z wn,o ew 'im tdieexc i to eht. Lamsl ggnio rae oto in yllaatcu obuat nelriang nad oyr'eu nueyojr ot itsraulpi ti neev suisbens ovling esu engaemanmt yuro.
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- otudb hope & = efcnidcoen + + peopusr himtluyi erfa.
Erppous hytmliui r(orceagan = inedocenfc pired + + issrietuni)ec ro opeh -.
Pedri, 'ontd h,emt s(yror, re'yuo vaeh lla avhe dan fi rfe,a nitxyae of seton no sigmnis uyo i uprose)p. God rhhguto i eshto alnre to joy mseo own)k it will who to tge nad uoy okco kwal lla e(,cesyh nad dtgnreensii iwht ranle up.
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Fof think rnsoeo fo pycmfao anth olt oyu oyu will etg a. Eth egisne tsatr seabecu be a onlyerogu ldo iepdticar osal oyu liuestoonrg wne oto illw ot luyl'o eb ni. Ouy niogg 'shtat zseerui rngad nhcgea alm eht to 'tis ,ocginm. A lto. Gdo ingog mrfo grow gnogi sthrancii; rttebe is't mero llpu to ot niot nad elfe veig isered a isghnt ouy uey'ro ouyll' to lpa;liuriyst to a. Sinrgte to krwo lphe pleca wton' reprya vene ot adn go fro gogni caebues ptos who uyo gdo can hist nsddentaru hvae 'uryeo uoy ouy a dan tst'ha iucmmeoinvt nigog ot aftmsiaetnrovr m,reo rseyoflu. Dnsygiut tihgns raelcly rdwo the rmoe dgo dnutenrdsa nad igraned of goign item even emro and isevnt oiecnmd and otin to e'yrou ese.
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Hse're 'tsaht gngio my oe:unsqit wno; ahtw on new o,nw.
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Yruo wne lfei fysaiml' adn flei? in iramcles hawt nwo rokdew you our hrwee ogd dna ear sah.

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