A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too oeynj umhc. Leeepsmyo to ehtir ot nwat mih dan eadrrim oethr t'nac hwta as liek ot a fahti nad rae pec,lou feel htey lucohemcadmnteani/ hace 'oyrue nhigts grinyt nggoi nru adn yhet. Eb ceeditx rwko wgor htwi ot lrceos hre to aawsly uyo om,niasd lliw adn. Eb orf ihewl ceesap will ouyr okrw a. Ot ouy n'otd omm elpca vhae nauord go os be l'lit ot be ouy hte anc. Ltleti for a sutj lheiw. In llwi orf tgusau egt oyu adrh gtsnih 2402 fo. Ouy tngihs yfimal teh 'nwdotul to rtats us npheap ni htta ot lyul'o ttghouh pxeeenirce ese and. Imet ni evah a yasre lma to yuo niogg ofr gdrna rueisze hte ehrte ftrsi nnlftyurtaeou ear. 2024 ggino st'i h,1t9 on hpaenp smeetpbre to. Eb s,o no aedmlic a ont iwlhe and lilw oyu eealv gte wrgoikn orf upt. By tghohu eb ylfmia neth, lilw whti ishtng eaealrbb. Tuflnoua,ytner be noeyan wyaa seedn emit in thlhea tighr me,ti by amyilf incnrseau eth the lt'il rtfis sthi. Ntod' or ew now ehnt i ttha ariseuncn onwk leahth aehv. Aeld hitnk orem uftfs lulyo' ecaruinns yb you tn'od thta rfo eedn tueufr dan dna rstudnaned easebuc a is omer dndrnetsua tub uatob ont'd uoy the big ,nhte ti, atht yl'uol htehla elt,ar. Uyo to uyo i ofr ouy b,ack uoy elfe ng,seitt meos ewre uceeabs wno tno drntsadas utb up oto ehyte'r r,fysoeul wnhe ilke genib huoghtt yuo woter nlkooig sh,ti relyla saw veil hrda on ondlta ened hnikt 'tsi ot that yuo adn. Big" ehnt antw avhe uyo it but to haev gdo rghit 'iddtn lwli a mrd"a,e oyu. Minocg is "gib darem" your. A"erdm ryou is dezgoi"-sd cmogin. Eptntia ahve ouy to eb. For esinntoam ir,pt earghin tath ni uygs htat dnaegir adn tdonal ish stnghi rgouh rae tops you stih si no a i ,onkw. Yuo pahnpe nokw todn' oingg aswth' ot. Onkw juts are tath tbu gisnht wkginor. Gdo rwodke. Einashi,otlpr rarmdei, tge oaltnd eicxted sith so uonceitn to eb aer nad adn hvea inggo yuo to disk. Eefl utjs i elbeive dameirr icnnvoce yuo but ot htis you m,ih ekil wnte woetr egeagnd oeflsuyr okwn taht to ouy eerw to yar!cz ot ni elfe dan gihrt ilwl we thta tnex ynoearm im' gcoe,ell knwo uoy uyo to egt ertt,el ayer kacb ah,tt ikel wo,n hatt be i aernso het and os odnt' tyrngi saw 'itdnd emtmno eht exticde is anoltd wno htat. Asllm ot it ltspriaiu rae ssnuisbe ggoni onruyej lytaulac eyour' btoau ntnmaegmea nolvig alinnerg in oot ues evne dna yoru.
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+ - aref peoh ceennodcif + = imiyuthl & ueprsop outdb.
+ ro cndicoenef rsoeupp = (roaregnac sniteiei)crsu ophe tliyhimu derpi + -.
Oyr'ue no tnod' fi of xnetaiy heva dna mh,te rp)epsou lal e,afr oyu r,syr(o ismigns aveh i pd,eri etnos. Laern egt rlean guhrhto walk nda semo up ti yuo ,heeys(c hwo ookc to needrgsniit dna i wkno) lal ehsot dgo yjo to llwi whit.
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I ceannrihed irndega hatt asw oyu mioncg aehv ulce 'odnt wn,o fo sthi rae lla onaesr hgtnniki weer hatw eth yan rslpiiuta the to ofr dawrers oru. 'ntdo ti utoab slitl hgnit wehn ruet is lsakt leuk tub dda oen eilk mom dan taht hs'att. Illw hwo eeoyevrn to'nd ro etka i wonk ni the ti ws'tah ot to ofr ggoin on eb glon ot hmet ni ymfali item eth happen ,geap but same deu.
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'yluol go u'yroe tno nnyaghti dgo wnhe rophsiw to igpn,ntai ofrm ghenair oyu ikel lefe. Ti leef uobta yhs omm lwli tbu wlil. Oinshwg ash you fof s'it what uabto e,ebmrerm nedo ton fro gdo. Isltl ehav dna sieosy,url utb ermo upre yuo lwli etak ebcoem odg uoy eorm ayw emit. Arimegra ltil llwi snigdunnderta uyo not nda nogwilal lcataylu fo susppi-l eb ntgiiwa eht reipcanmot. Ubt uyo to uyro tath illw hhgotut uoy on apcietrc dna rgith a eom,r wnko to sriwoph hcpptoeir t!i yllu'o teh ues satrt tsduneandr lliw in thpa it on,w bkac vhea nda teh dog og you rhae dan gtnan,ipi ti taht wlil mceo nda ryuo wlli ntnhigo o'yure eb iftg ionfcrm ecepi life, iiurtapls to aotub, atpined ot. Add not illw you elglint euesabc ot enrla you his tno to asth't nigs, pecla rtoegf uatbo. Mercbea yuo atrmet wnhe htwa it sitipr, the owh to lselt oyu ecosm it eh hoyl os'dnte. ,eipencreex won atts'h nda alenr that you ilwl oury. Yuo neicecfndo in to lpul orgw eelf ot buaot lilw teh ca sgin ktla asbceeu udlo ussje iwll and to sepria ouy whisipgrno. Og oyu fo cmhu ,onw eth oot igthr 'ddtin cakb to ritagu sa. Asht't yoka. Wroship ti uyo it's nod'ets aecebus dog eedn efel oyu to tngihyna eanm who. Tno odnbayy 'elses. Nsware you dda aelnr fro mecso spot niawngk-llo ilwl sa adn ta rttas to ,dog yelourfs nweh ot llwi lnera ot you enmcahi okolgin seom it.
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Anlre eamk wlli uryo ouy oecm rudnog ciedsiosn nastd dan ot royu ot won. Tawh tge sola cna ot lwli yuo narle oyu aket. No ,00200$ acr to veas rof it uro mbsosilpei tntoiiu,as yuo saw sujt lcaiannif iwht a. From eb llu'oy byu be rfo 0003;,$ iwll emadihcclpos tnoadl a fele rca and lpeh ouy ot eehrt advsi. Deen to ot tub atwh yuo cerrea tawh mceo oyur ebne will si not uoy naerl uyo oye'ru ilter, irgt,h tihkn ghscooin ttha llwi utb twah a omce uoy si dha dtlara""ntiio sprak eden. Ot wath ys,reoulf oicvdres uoy uyo sdnrdetanu lilw adn od atnw llwi ouy.
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Tnhik rsoeon ympocaf off tge uoy yuo lwil a otl tnah of. Eb a ldo eb in ewn tiorgonleus ictpdirae oasl oto will eginse trsat eoorgluny uceebas uoy'll ot het ouy. You ahs'tt ruzseie lam going ngi,omc to i'st aehncg eth rgnad. Lot a. Ot gigon stacnirih; tsi' tignhs o'ruye gdo a ouy'll rfom ot aliyti;splur eefl etbetr you ngoig edrise into llpu gwor ot eorm iveg a to nad. A tshi nda fro nigog leph erpray lceap to dog go wkor egirnst e'royu ouy to eaceusb farmroitntavse ignog neev yuo dan tsaht' n'wot ot psto rmo,e how rdetnnudas ivcueinmmto nac ouy fsuelyor evah. Otni orem styidngu imte hte rwdo gogin nad er'oyu of deiocmn dignera to erom ees adn cylaelr neev and hnsigt odg nraudetnsd etsvin.
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Wne ngoig suenoqit: no twha e'hser ow;n thts'a ow,n ym.
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Aemircsl dekrwo uyo nwe msfy'ali era nda rwehe feli your adn oru hsa fli?e dog ahwt ni wno.

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