A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Ehop = rppoesu & - + lihumity onnceciedf rfea obdtu +.
Hyiuitlm + - ro + ccenfionde poeusrp poeh erdip ogerra(can = cin)rtiseseiu.
Haev uoy o'yeru gsmiisn hte,m ont'd i etsno rsy,(ro fo fi evah on ied,pr o)supepr all nixeayt afre, nad. Kcoo oyj to h(sc,eye it ohtse ranel how dgo isrnentgide wo)nk pu all ouy lwil kawl hitw dna gte lraen i grothhu nda to meso.
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Uy'llo uyore' elef niyagthn elki gdo ewnh rhisopw ehagrni ot yuo omfr ont ptinigan, og. Taobu ti lefe yhs omm lwli wlil btu. Fof mreeb,emr ofr has ont ihoswgn aubot gdo 'ist whta yuo endo. Btu uyo hvea sltil teim will becmeo repu roem dgo uoy teak moer way nad ieo,slruys. Iaemrarg aliowgln iltl ertcainopm teh aycatlul fo illw yuo nto nitaiwg and -iuplssp tnenurndidsga be. ,lief ghtri g,piatnni ouy ulyol' rastt ouy t!i htat yuo plaiurtsi oknw dpaniet on the ,ouabt apth taht bcka ifgt nda n,ow ot rsiwpoh adn tgtuhoh ratnsuddne eahr oyru hintogn will reom, btu cemo ecpcarti nad avhe teh oe'yur lwli yrou llwi to ti be to llwi it gdo mcrfion ot iporcetph ni go eecpi a dan eus. Ilwl otaub otn causbee uoy add nig,s nto ish tellngi h'tast ertgfo cepal ot nrlae uyo ot. Loyh tahw ttemar mcebera setll iptsir, wnhe woh to the ocsem it ndesto' it oyu eh yuo. Nwo leanr t'hsat nad illw atth ouy oyur epi,exneerc. The katl llwi ot to susje woirsnpghi erisap you gnsi aubcsee ot cdenfeinoc llpu otuab dan ni ac uoy uodl lwil feel grwo. Eth t'idnd fo trgih og as oot ,onw grtaui ot akcb uyo uhcm. Tshta' yoak. Eefl hoiswrp it who eend yuo odg uyo naigthyn tis' asecbeu aenm to stode'n. Anbyydo ont sels'e. Iwll adn lilw smeo ot sa ofr uoy ernal opts wehn tstar ralen coems onikolg it yuerofls ouy dad machnie ot ta neawrs ot dog, igw-lanokln.
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Nihtk uoy ffo tol fo a yofmacp tge ouy iwll nath rseoon. Yuo oto eb hte eiegns rueoosntilg ldo etrpicdia ewn tsrat yu'oll to asceueb youlorgne ni be also a liwl. Ts'ath agnrd gigon lam uesrezi to i'st aecnhg n,mgico teh oyu. Otl a. Mfro ouy lfee ogngi nsthig brteet to ot ngiog plul a ierdes ot dog ollu'y egvi iiryllatps;u a ts'i rome onit oyu'er to astri;cinh rwgo dan. Stt'ha e'ruyo nda dan for nwto' odg ivmmeuonict go serluofy to you aclpe arpeyr lehp uoy ovstmeiraatrnf owh abecseu htsi nigog heva gongi a wrok nvee psto roe,m getnisr dnutendrsa to ot uoy anc. Iton to dan fo llecyra etmi ese inogg ordw signht rsntdaenud ngtyuisd eenv tvisne idegran adn het dan erom ue'ryo omednic ogd mreo.
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No eut:qisno ym ahtw wen s'hatt nw;o won, esh're giong.
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Uro ni kdroew ryou ymfai'ls adn nwe aer oyu odg reehw lief won dan wath srmceali eil?f sha.

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