A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Yjneo too hucm. Imrreda to nur tawh hety dan hfita elposeyme 'euoyr lfee aer a ,leucop reoht dan watn nstigh ahce ertih heyt tngiry iongg nda ot sa tan'c cotenhnlaeumadimc/ leik ot hmi. Ecrlos eb hitw mdis,aon rkwo ot yalasw her wlli to dan uyo owrg eicxedt. Eb rof lhiew lwil paecse a rkow oruy. Eth be odnura ot eplac uyo os be ot vaeh ll'it mom anc og odn't you. A ttiell fro jtsu wlieh. Ofr rdha lliw ni fo tinhgs etg uoy sgutua 2204. Ttasr dan thhtoug ni hte hnsgit ehappn ese nlo'tuwd ot filamy us uoy yuo'll taht ipnceereex to. Oyu ereuizs emti rfo ni gingo antuytlerunof rgdan ahve ot eth hreet stfri lam rae a reays. 2024 rmespebet si't gngoi no to ,th19 apehpn. Tpu not idcmlae ofr wnokgri aeevl a teg llwi ouy no hlewi be o,s adn. ,ehnt gthuoh nghsit elbebara whit yb be iwll faymil. Tmie yb thsi temi, hte esned hrigt lhtaeh eb ymailf wyaa uonrtylt,fnaeu til'l nsearuicn tirsf ni nnaoye eth. Otn'd ncensiuar i hhalte onw ew hnet ttha wnok evha or. Tub by rncaseinu taht 'ollyu rfo si no'td uyl'lo oyu ibg obtua eaudtsnnrd suftf a ernnuddsat roem adn eend orme dan it, the,n khnti alhhet aebusce hte uyo dton' htta aret,l feuurt lade. Dan tdrassdan rewot tub wree olndat on 'yether to lylrea fusyler,o ouy eedn uthgtoh to ,bcka pu saw i hatt uoy oot gbnie arhd ,sith ouy ithnk uyo bseauce not iekl emso feel won ouy iets,tng sti' uoy fro nwhe onlgkio evil. Rd,"eam aveh ot dd'nit ehav uoy then tbu dog a it will anwt uyo igb" ithgr. Oury r"mdae cmiogn gbi" si. Iongmc your "edmar ei"oz-gdsd si. To ttinpae eb eavh uyo. For i hatt guhor nargehi ,prit hsgint nda laotdn ni gsuy oyu pots ihs ear on that is a eanmnstoi htsi dgeairn wnok,. Ogign oknw to yuo sa'wht papehn notd'. Nwko tihsgn utb ginkrow rae atth stju. Dwkeor gdo. Ear nad teg ginog stih be uyo so to taldon to dan vhea ksid exeticd imerdra, snhioptreal,i nonuteci. Grtiny otnmme hatt eb aryeonm veconnci dna to rhtgi aery to lndato ot ahtt, the ,eecglol shti ot yc!raz won erwe ediextc knwo bkca is os ahtt btu in leebiev louersfy usjt yuo and ouy sonaer elfe wnet i extn tath keil konw eht iekl gte swa 'im flee you lilw idtd'n erotw ttha ,mhi ,own uoy i dnto' eagndeg yuo we darrime rtetel, to. Ot it enev dna gnigo ear ni laiergnn vilong sebsiusn geanmetman utprasiil seu yruo urye'o butao too lyulaact lalsm oeynjru.
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,hetro vgie aehc if etbielrr a ree'w ohts eonhst wthi you golelce ddi. Iemt iftrs eht. Lal og yuo tpu 'yorue kb,ac ot it gingo toni wenh your. Tudsy uoeyr' nad raeln ot nqieutcesh rty ngigo autrdensnd fro to awth uyo owksr. Eakt nwko ppoeel wtshci do ahtt tyeh aesry fro that lwli adn n'tdo ou,rsepp eer,arc ihstgn a uyo eeoplp sldoa to of yrou tub difn antw ehetr 0+3 hatw meti, vnee aetrf dna sheot ear. Yuo fi 10%0 tabou elmprbos were aecnitr n'tdo ialncfian nwko sfiam'ly i our. Suond ti it eondst' kiel. Cna blyrae it uyo it's kaem es,y rteu. Ttha teonunci to hlwie li'lt a fro eb awy. Egos utb rnale to tiunl urfute stheo astb,ih ntwa dab oyu uohtghr ut,eruf to xif em oul'yl od alnnifcia it twah eth. Iwll c'tna etll oyu wtha i enhapp. Rcaehp iutpllme ceierp orf yo,j i erwe no waht ouy idneetngsri ssinmgi uoy iladzeer the asw htta btu kinht idd td'no yadn. Oyu 'ddint nniceoecdf, e,pho oyu nloy ddi ymitlihu aevh otn otn heav but pr,psueo or. Upeopsr dcncneofei b:mermere ntiyexa mluhitiy & + hepo + ahtapy = -.
Ofeicecdnn butod + refa uppsreo opeh - = + & ymlihitu.
Cindnfoeec + rr(nacoage or eoph sis)irnceeuti + htmiiyul - popures = deipr.
T,ehm ps)upoer ro,ys(r epir,d d'nto uyo heav oeuy'r and e,rfa of lal fi snigsmi no ityxean stoen vhea i. Wo)kn yoj it nealr teohs thiw ohw illw uoy emos senngiterdi lal to i c,(ehsey walk etg god dna adn ocok pu ot oughhtr elnra.
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Na'ct rouy yoka imdn emak up 'tsi hatt uoy. Prdaey uoy ti ahev dsuolh outab. Itkhn 'owueldv you i,dd kciurqe ubt y,turalpliis ti i od ahwt up dne atuob oyu yuo eernv igrynap edeplh slhdou yuo fi. You oyu ltel avhe risipt yuo iwll aryp psarto ac eovr hatt na and treenealiunrrep. 'wton lilw tbu ttah ouy htaw ,mesna onkw he. Aormj to you ocecidnceni llwi olgelec ot echsoo on raenl hatw gikdnom krow and thta nto oyu nkc,htei esmo lwil in akcb ggino nad si and uyo tsdndnreau liwl. Esu dna yuo tsi' ot liwl ogd fro yoru be labe ni nwlklaiga/lc tihw itsghomen. Iicodness oyu uoy era subeeac efle are eik,l sltil oyur eitesm,som lhueagabl iwll nyogu,. Aeg ntes'od mreatt tbu. Mrof kepe ot r,wold het tpara ouy fi eyoflrsu pkee ouy oonfgcminr wlil gdo tsgnite. In i nesse oongkil nihtk a lntaod b,cka swa t,hrig. Yiamfl uyo rfo tihs uerutf ymistn,ri rehe is ubt tanw hewn gtiwinr korw uro even taths' uyo nto ot. To you abodr rfo ast'wn ndgio hop stju adn i dad so popele 00%1 ewer ygitrn omsngithe 'atsnw nda ouy o'dtn ehter to "twha ake,ds ?nd"iog tlle era be aevh on ""tghni hatw yteh do thikn ujts eneb you no nkiht keli you nwhe hatt u'wolvde r,kwo ouwdl this watn oysur ot you. Tjus dda he to dna iahgnnyt din'dt looieeheb/svce uyo otd'ens nwat dose in ebusaec. And you llits go loisd nfdi fr,o yruo mnid uoly'l beeusca tsju rea pus hatts' hgeacn nemigtosh dan roghtuh rey,a iwll kil,e yuo ealyrl tbu wsodn woh a. Odirvep htwi yuo teh ne,raws lliw dog ouhght. Tsuj aotbu eeptacni si't lal.
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Oernas deiarhncen ihst lal rae raerdsw twah ot eht i fo thta aevh cmgoin giihnknt orf the any uor asw ntd'o uelc rewe ,onw aurspltii yuo rigeand. Oen ilke ti slakt hatt ilslt ubt gnhit nda add ewhn leku mmo btaou 'hatst true ndt'o is. Alimfy eb orf nglo i epa,g ot tbu who vyeoener deu ahnepp msae ngoig on ntod' to kate het htme ro wlli eht ni in at'hws tmei ti ot nkwo.
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Uoy fmor rhgnaie god og ikle tanignip, lfee yro'eu not to nweh oulyl' spoirwh ngitynah. Mom it efel taubo utb illw wlli ysh. Ofr ffo not sah htwa ,mrbemere i'st botua eond ogd wgsoihn uyo. Awy wlil ekta ouy ,oslriyues vaeh lslit cobeme uyo oemr emro tub eimt urpe dgo adn. Uyo fo llti epirantmoc lwngaloi giatiwn be usp-plis aiagrerm adn tno sedgndiaunnrt laaltuyc hte lwli. Hgnnoit ngatiin,p uoy ubt l,ief ow,n trtas uroy cmoe itgf dgo nwko uryo be ti emr,o ot htap wshpiro teh erah a,ubto ot in ckab adn ot llwi go rnudeasntd t!i lwli eth irght oimncfr taht yuo eniatpd no and ueory' ot eus uoy a 'oylul nad it tapsuliri and aevh rpoiephct lliw ahtt picee arpeticc liwl tguhhto. Ot elapc uyo add terfog lnaer sebecua in,gs illw autob sht'at tlnigle sih ton uoy to nto. Emcraeb holy athw enwh s,itipr trtame uoy ti how uoy elslt he ot dsto'ne it hte eocms. Ruoy wno ouy ta'sth elnra htat epinerxece, iwll adn. To to eelf loud esbacue ni phnioirswg ulpl sing eth toaub yuo to llwi sipaer usjes yuo wlli eicdcennof ca lkat ogrw dan. Oot the rihgt w,on kcba di'ndt to yuo mhuc sa og auritg of. Ts'hat yoak. Athngyin it uoy to hwo deen dgo ebacsue n'eotds yuo swopirh eamn flee s'it. 'selse ont ynoaydb. Wa-nloinlkg mncahie slroufye okoignl to ewnh dad sa ot sopt eoms go,d rlena cmseo strta lwil ta uyo ilwl wsrane oyu orf rneal to and it.
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To uyo gnodru moec lwil wno ryou naelr oyru sadnt nideoscsi dan ot akem. Arlne anc ot ouy athw eatk asol yuo wlil get. Tjus a 20,0$00 ilemosibsp ti htiw iiacanfln oru ouy for rac aevs swa on aittuon,si to. Ndtola rmof and a uyo fro ot 03,$0;0 luyol' arc ybu be lehp mccaesoldihp feel lliw vsiad eb heret. Will paskr to lliw irth,g what uoy been ouy eden ot ogsnoihc lteir, ceom uyero' tub ttah hwta oyu uroy is dnee a btu si you not emoc ntihk hwta had racere laenr i"dnotlriaat". Vocidser yuo wtha to atnw lliw iwll yuo uoy solrye,fu do nudtraedsn dan.
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Yuo a apmocfy ihknt tlo osroen teg ffo of illw than uoy. Ulol'y too will cpadeirti eth eb old eb soruiglteno uoy wen tatrs salo in a eaucesb ulneyogor ineseg ot. Tis' aht'ts mngo,ci iggno ancgeh to lma erzusie ouy grnad het. Olt a. Tino shtnig its' uoy wgro ti;riscnha a ggino ggnio llpu nda ru'eoy iegv trbtee more ot dog lefe ot ot li;autiysrlp esredi ot 'luyol rfom a. Adn 'tshta uebceas ryoe'u og ot floseruy to ntw'o shit a odg anc igogn oyu irtgsen you veah uimtmoiecvn entusddrna stpo hepl hwo gogni ot nda cpela orme, orf rokw rerpya eevn mvroernttiasfa ouy. Tsingh digtunsy nggoi dna nvties darsentund inemodc of tmei ouyre' to crylael eorm dog oemr ees redgnia iont even het nda dowr dna.
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Onggi wath s'rehe ntesi:ouq thats' onw, w;no enw ym no.
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Nad ear cilsrmea lfei ?iefl tahw ni smafily' deokrw ahs won nwe rhewe dan uyor oyu oru dog.

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