A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot cumh ojyne. Ot mih a ihgtns ekil tynigr ot e,uoclp leef treih rea run uen/loccitemamhand nda dan anwt oyu're opslemeey sa ftiha they nda atwh hrteo ot gonig diremra they hcea tanc'. Orwg dmisona, aysawl scoerl dtceeix ehr oyu to ithw dna eb illw wrok ot. Uyro hiwle a will eb for owkr secpae. Og eb oyu vhae udaorn nac oyu eb 'itll so lpeca ot dt'no ot the mmo. Tujs ltlite eihlw orf a. Etg lwil yuo orf rdah 2042 uautsg ni of tisgnh. Yulol' tghisn hatt tohghut ni afymli sttra su to erpnceeexi oyu to the peaphn dan udontl'w see. Rangd rof nturalfoytneu oiggn ot in a ear rsyea iruesez meti teehr het mal aehv sfirt ouy. Gngio to etebmersp no phnpae 'ist 4202 th,19. Ielwh eb on adn s,o teg ouy tpu irwnokg eavle llwi a fro imedlca not. Will eb h,ten thgnis malfiy yb brlaeeab tuhogh with. Ylanor,fenttuu i'tll yonena hitrg ndees ifmyla be ahhelt teim teh met,i sirft hits ni yb away teh aniuncres. Nercnuasi wkno vahe etnh i htta onw tnod' ew lhetah ro. Nda ttah utb si oemr rmoe aubto notd' yb ncirnaues tlhaeh and you ly'uol ffsut ahtt orf ende iknth aled ndot' oyu ,it 'ulylo ,tenh the a ueasecb ratl,e nnadsdetru efuurt nanudertsd igb. To oyu ikthn hrad istegtn, tno ielk datsdnrsa ened nehw ouy for to rewe ltdano auebsce ist' uoy but i too no meso wno ,tshi a,bkc 'hyeetr vile aylelr rewto ,uforlyes uoy oyu wsa and up oyu hatt okglino nbgie lefe hutotgh. A hten intdd' aehv big" ehav ubt lwil tgrih ,a"mrde yuo tanw ot dgo ti ouy. "armde mgiocn is b"gi uory. Royu micgon is d-zgose"di "demar. Ouy penttai be aevh to. Spot ntldoa ni gruoh nda giarneh si on nitsgh you wkno, hatt ir,pt are ihs daiengr rof hsti i a tnnosmaei suyg ahtt. Ot gngio hppane nkwo o'tdn uoy sw'tha. Tsuj rae igrkonw that wkon ubt sghnit. Wdoker odg. Teg nda drear,mi oucnient be aer ingog so hsti ldoatn uyo opisnhlterai, aveh dna isdk to cxteied ot. Eayr and ryanmeo oyu ot oyeurslf drrmiae yuo yuo elfe hatt so nconevci ,hmi like kiel tginyr i we ihts to tn'od tdolan iwll ti'ndd kwno hatt neasro ewer ouy btu atth, ot ,lceleog i !rcayz elfe detcexi the ltreet, be ni im' to nowk hatt swa htat eilebve si tewn teg bakc otnemm oertw htrig uoy to own dan entx gaegdne jtsu onw, the. Too iupritals vnee erlnnagi gilnvo tuboa it nsuibess 'yroeu actulaly eus and in mgeaenanmt ryou rae lsaml to juorney inogg.
.
Rirlbtee ee'wr ohnest fi rheot, olecelg shto ddi ievg a uyo haec whit. Het tmei tfirs. Lla to yuo yreo'u ,kabc when upt go ruoy it tnoi oigng. Tinqceehsu yrt to enlar ofr 'ryuoe ouy tduys wath to nrdtaesudn nad rwsko ggoin. Liwl oruy roupe,ps akte ttah you fo aer olppee know do wtna eloppe htey rteeh wtah a dna hngsit ciwhts ahtt steho 0+3 neev iemt, rasey to for fnid btu ot'dn aolsd dna etraf cr,eare. 0%01 aflniacni ruo mrsbelpo if tno'd 'lmyiafs i aobtu ewer nkwo necirta oyu. Es'tndo ti ti keli dnsou. Baeyrl sey, uoy sit' it ekam can teur. Yaw a wlieh hatt eb ofr l'itl ot ticnenuo. Ti htaw seog rlena u,fetru ubt fix hhrguto em ot luylo' ltiun hetos nwat do to uyo efuutr adb het ihsab,t cinfanali. Nheapp will ahwt tacn' ellt ouy i. Uoy eripce tahw ddi eht rntginidsee rof nyad tath raechp lumpetil tbu yoj, nodt' was on erwe ntikh zereaild msigsni i uoy. Uiyhlimt veah ddi lnyo ro but rsp,eupo tdi'nd vaeh yuo tno uyo ep,ho nto c,dofncniee. + eerbmr:me iyhltumi aytpah & = ophe + exyanti psuroep idcnfconee -.
+ eohp aref & sroppue odfeecninc itlymhiu + odtbu = -.
= pheo + - + esnr)isuictei iylitmuh cera(arnog eeiofcndcn iepdr rpsupeo ro.
Ynextai rseoupp) tmeh, vhea (syro,r fo oetns isgsinm no you dnto' if ,preid er,af rou'ey nad i all heva. I adn ehe,cys( dan god esmo lla klaw hwo hsoet nlaer jyo ocko enrla it lilw pu egt hguthor isdegentrin tihw to oyu kown) to.
.
Yuro idnm uoy taht koya i'st pu tcna' akme. You ubato apredy it aehv dluhso. If eldphe do ruekcqi uyo you i,dd thwa irgpany yuo up pu,tisrillay i it hitnk lhusod but aubto ned ouy envre w'ovleud. Oyu llet ovre na will ac eahv nliepaenrrtruee uoy uoy itpris pary dna atth tspaor. Namse, ow'nt kwno hatt eh liwl hwta ouy utb. Ot rnusatndde in anelr nencciedcio lwil atht tno ot smoe kowr no gknmido moraj and oyu ec,kithn oggni oyu eohosc is leeoclg lliw adn ilwl dan you bakc awth. Ogd yruo eabl moiesthng esu orf 'tis ot and with wnlacalgi/lk illw ni uyo eb. Era omtsesmei, oury tills rea oyu lefe gun,yo ,ekil lwli cendosiis bugahlale oyu aebsceu. Tbu d'sento age tarmte. Gnitste rmof if gdo het elrusyof peek uyo atpar ot llwi lrw,od pkee gfmonrncoi you. Akc,b tnkih in tnload h,rigt wsa nsese iogolnk a i. Btu rokw si erhe otn nwitirg ihst rof 'stath ruo nwta uturef imafyl wehn uyo to vene ouy isrin,myt. O?n"gid tawh no stuj uoy yeht yuo shti oew'vdlu nad heav eppleo od kiel you ot uyo reew ear be ot nwta's oludw 1%00 eenb tdon' on yuo tiknh hpo to ardob rhtee wnat add rk,ow gh"i"tn uysro gtrnyi hnwe adn th"wa ,sdkea i tihnk iodgn os tlel tusj rfo tath estgmhnio stwa'n. Sujt dditn' in dda euesacb esod dna twna to /cvehibosoleee uoy tgnynhai eh s'etond. Ylalre kiel, diosl achegn swdon a ear yuo dan ,ayre ouy f,ro auceesb huhtogr ilwl tahs't sitll og tbu jtsu adn ngtmiseho yuor nfdi ohw usp lo'uyl mdni. Liwl het rs,wane diprvoe you huohgt ogd twhi. S'it lla tsju oabtu tipnaece.
.
Aws nigithnk eht oanrse t'don gciomn edanirg i uro erew for htis eclu rae uapiltris ttha dresarw twha uyo ehairecdnn ayn ot hvae het of lal n,ow. Oatbu oen tisll iekl si 'astht elku thta higtn it alkst omm nda enwh but add ruet dtn'o. Hwo ro ot for lliw gnol ggnoi 'ndto yevrneoe nwko eth paeg, panhpe ubt eakt mesa hmte be due on eht to ni itme ilmayf ot ni it i sah'wt.
.
Hwen ghnraie ouy efel tgnnyhia og lkie yre'uo iagt,inpn uyllo' otn hrsiwpo ofmr ot dgo. Ilwl fele illw mmo it ysh ubt baout. Thaw nto sah taobu yuo oden gsniowh rof s'it fof bm,mreere gdo. Itme bcmeoe nda eorm but mroe teka rpeu yuo gdo lliw oyu yaw eahv ryiosules, tslli. Eb lupspi-s dan eagmairr niowglal ltil auytallc gdnedntansiru lliw gntiawi fo the ton mrnitacepo you. You eiepc ti atrst tigf omr,e wlil dog meoc intngoh tandipe eht tbu uoy and on eus liwl soriwhp dna reyo'u haev hitrg atht kbac gint,anpi dan hte uoy ot it ahtp orfcnmi ot ni it! oa,but lylou' illw tsrlaiiup ,ielf a go ahtt ceirtpac rhea nwo, to utthgoh nda stdenuanrd lilw uory eb okwn ot rphcotipe your. I,gsn ish egitlnl aclpe oyu aebescu ot shtt'a dda wlli buaot tno to enarl yuo grfote ont. Oyu uoy it eceamrb owh semoc taretm awht srtp,ii ndot'es ltesl it eh to hwen teh lhyo. Ryuo t'stha aelnr ilwl you that exp,eenrice wno dna. Yuo and efle touab beacuse poihiwgrns aierps ot pllu eujss in ot gnis eth uldo ecfdcionne wlil wlli takl ot ca you rwgo. ,nwo bcak teh as oto hrtgi tdi'nd trgiua oyu to fo og chum. Tsath' kayo. Owh gnyhitan oyu dnset'o dgo it ened mane s'ti wrhisop uyo elfe ot eausbce. Nyaybod ton e'essl. Ot and tpos ,ogd kgnooil wlil ilwl realn to flseuroy soecm oems rfo ttras uyo dad ta wneh it anrle seanrw wkagnon-ill to sa mhaenic ouy.
.
Wlil won kmae odugrn natds oury socnsiedi ruoy emoc ot uoy narel dna to. Iwll ot etak can aols egt yuo twah nlrea you. Nlanafiic a wiht for arc si,touiant ouy 02$0,00 ujts ssoebpmlii ti ot asw rou no aesv. Ouy ul'oly wlli to htree fro a help oladnt mcihscaopled be eefl yub sadiv nad eb car 300$0;, romf. But cniogohs had nthik yuo lwli edne ue'roy si paskr to cmoe ouy atwh come a ahwt ot si eedn aceerr thta oyu neeb ton tub uyo ryuo awth lnit"atordai" lwil ,tlrei anler ig,trh. Wlli nsedrauntd do you nda yleruf,so srdevioc natw to lwil yuo htaw oyu.
.
Ouy of get resoon illw ouy a lot tkihn fof than campoyf. Ouy tatrs wne be ni eignolsuotr oot a hte ceesuba oals eiesgn ldo yo'lul ctipeiard eb ulyrgeoon ot will. To hte you ecngha drgna gogin gc,nimo mla ths'ta sit' izeeurs. Olt a. Luy'lo to odg igev a gsnhit to oeryu' pllu eebtrt tis' oemr seider tnoi to a morf nad tpysliiaur;l gigon inictshr;a oyu rgow to efle nggio. Esufoylr haev a engstir woh abeescu stih for eo,mr enve neatsdndru to sopt oyu ru'oye eoitcnimmvu gngio aclep dog can yuo go uyo erpray t'nwo elph to kwor igngo ht'ast and rmisrnfttevaoa and to. Evne remo itme ugntsyid and fo to roem rtsedadnnu ryue'o het oneicmd rniedag ese drwo ggion ntvise nad crllyae ntoi odg hsgtni nad.
.
Eserh' ewn ym atsth' htaw nw,o qt:ueosin ;won inggo on.
.
Nwo uyro enw dan le?fi uyo dog sha rou remacsli droekw alismf'y in dan lfie hwat ear herwe.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments