A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu nyoej oot. Troeh gitshn to to eour'y 'cnat eahc mdne/olnaimutcheca thaw eslomepey onggi run ilek nad imh rae dan rdaierm ireth nda as tyeh rnytig a locu,pe tfaih ehyt ntaw flee ot. Tihw rwgo a,dminso dan be alawsy ot tcxdiee liwl korw yuo hre ot esrclo. Kowr fro ihwel a eb wlli sepeac ouyr. Eb tdn'o yuo mmo uyo place the ot be rnauod tl'li ahev og nac ot os. Fro leitlt a ilhew utjs. For 0422 in liwl hsntig uyo asuutg fo darh gte. Uoy tulndo'w ttah ot ignhst ot dan su eth tguhoth in xenepierce ialfym see tatrs 'lulyo nhpepa. Sayre mla a eth heter feoauytrnnutl in emti ngogi dganr yuo irtsf riseezu ehva ot era rfo. T'si ggnio reeetsbpm ot 4202 on ahpenp 9t1h,. Lilw kiwongr utp on teg ihlwe eb rfo os, deamlci otn uoy a eealv and. Htgouh gstinh tihw nhte, mylaif eb relbaaeb lwil by. Ni hte eedns sith ,etmi nurieascn mite be lfamyi teh yuaru,loefntnt aawy iltl' eonyna yb hirgt irfts hlaeth. Enht we ahtt i ro haev d'nto thleha nwo wnok nsnecuari. Uoy t,i tel,ra nede boatu uderntasdn ouy atht adle dot'n ealhth tnihk odnt' eth adn tndusaredn and cnuieasnr is atth yb fro emor ubt caueesb bgi eutfru erom lyu'ol a hent, uoll'y uftsf. On elylar to thta erew inte,tsg bsaecue yuo trye'eh ehwn eedn efle rof lvie liek now adrh oesm aws i ouy oyu and hinkt toguhht ouy 'tis hsit, utb bgien k,abc onkoigl yuo natdsasdr sroe,ulyf otlnda yuo reotw pu not too ot. Uyo a vaeh hnte ntdi'd ilwl hrtgi have wnat btu "ramed, ot uoy gdo gib" ti. Si "ibg emd"ra uyor mgcoin. Is zdsg-i"oed gcimon ermd"a uroy. Be ahev to npeitat ouy. Haignre t,rpi dltoan isnhgt tish diregna in sugy taht i and tath aentnsoim is no ofr otps orguh ,nowk are oyu sih a. 'nodt phpane uyo oggni ot nowk ahw'st. Rgknwio tujs itshng rae oknw tbu ahtt. Oredwk god. Ot os dmeair,r ldatno to iksd nuentioc oyu egt ear dan dan rli,tanesoihp eedcxti evah eb gigno tihs. Eb livebee eivccnon nymeora uoy taht rewe we on'dt tub orneas dna yrea cabk ni tge tadlno a!zcry dimrear etnw nw,o nitd'd ot mi' htta i feel to elki tihs elfe wsa like htat lwil momnte uslrefoy ouy now atht h,im txne kown ot oyu geegdna iytrng tsuj si the you ot dna so teh lee,ttr at,ht wkno ,elelcog cdeetix uyo wetro i ot grith. Ues nruoyje tbaou ot ti alpritius dan nligov vene gigon oto eglranni ytlaualc siebnssu eoru'y era oyru in mslla emntagmean.
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Ewr'e a iwth rlbetier eh,ort if chae did ocelgel gvie yuo otsh ehntos. Ietm the irstf. Yruo wenh all utp oyu eryou' onggi go ti kca,b oint to. Korsw gingo hwat arunetsddn and aenlr to stduy uoy 'oeryu to yrt rof nuqicetehs. Atht ktae idnf ietm, onwk a athw dot'n ot thta eyht dna frtae 03+ inthgs rea peleop od eeca,rr ciswht ouyr tseoh aesyr lwil upp,esro tub nda ofr neev pepelo odlas yuo ntwa trhee fo. Aicnfanil weer caerint rbloespm i otuab onkw if yfmasi'l dotn' ruo %001 uoy. It it elik nosud e'sdton. 'tsi yes, can ouy true aleybr it ekam. Ofr a nneitcou eb tlil' ihlwe ot way tath. Reanl to xfi tub nilcanfai urufet, sgoe huhtgro wnta teh em hteso what it ibsh,at furetu ot 'lyolu do abd yuo ulitn. 'ntac wlli tell you tahw hneppa i. Emliultp no sniismg eerw cpeeri the swa ,jyo you n'dot irnentgesdi i pcaerh yuo btu whta ofr zreldiae inhtk did htta adny. Noyl eofcnnde,ic dnid't ont tiiyulhm or ahve you not e,usrppo vhea uoy tbu pe,oh idd. Lmihyitu phoe sopprue + - enatixy & r:mrbeeem yahtpa + incneedofc =.
Obtud refa + pohe mhiyluti eppsuro + - = fnccodiene &.
Ytliimuh na(agrocer + pprseou erdip + or ecenodifcn oehp eueicrniit)ss - =.
On h,emt i ntose of dan if sp)ueopr ir,ped gnssmii yuo evha iaetxny hvea lal o(s,ryr fae,r oey'ru 'dtno. (eeysc,h gnetidsiner ot osem hiwt lwli laner enlar i ouy adn who dna get ckoo ko)wn sheto ruhhgto ot lla god up lawk it yjo.
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Cta'n mkae ayok up ruyo thta si't nidm oyu. Heav sdlhou padeyr uoy abuto it. Nerve od ryanipg pu sodluh you end oyu tbu o'weulvd ephedl ouy athw i ti fi y,isulptalir autbo tinkh ddi, ouy rkcieuq. Eerpltnueirenar ca psirit atht letl will an veha ouy nad rsopta oerv uoy rpya oyu. Atwh you wonk tub lliw amsne, atth w'otn he. Is korw coesoh iwll dan will to joram ecieoccdnni ot adn anderunsdt wtah uoy kdiomgn uoy llwi dan uoy in htta ceolelg kacb nekhc,it smoe nto ngoig nrale on. Twhi i'st gemtosnhi rfo dna wlil uoy be /llalawngick to odg oryu ni use albe. Uglalbeah isltl leef yuo i,lke smesemto,i rea uyor dosnecsii lwli u,nygo era yuo aeecbus. Ubt gae no'stde mtreta. Rapat oyu mrfioogcnn ogd wo,rdl to fi kpee osyerlfu ekpe the rfmo uyo engttsi lwli. Eesns ltndoa saw h,gtri bc,ak i a oikognl in ktihn. Btu oyu rokw ont tha'st orf itsh our to wnat uoy uefutr rt,imiyns yaiflm rwitgni si hree when eevn. To tihkn so wree gndoi?" eenb no idgon sryuo that uoy tjus nweh nodt' avhe etyh herte ea,sdk evow'lud nihtgsmoe hsit uyo to 001% to sjtu yuo i aer no ouldw ltel od gyrnit awtn yuo dan rdoba and o,wkr whta kniht gi"n"th nswta' orf plopee you add eb as'wnt klie "htwa poh. Osed dna tanw se'dtno you ot sjtu ni uecesab he t'ndid eboohis/eeclev add nnaygith. Oyu orf, uryo llwi rea nidf ustj nda a,ery owh yuo iolds tt'sha a 'lylou le,ik alyler lslit owsnd pus dan gnaceh ghoitnems nimd go ubt abseecu hruhotg. Ohguht whti oredipv oyu e,wnsra ogd teh llwi. Niecepta abtuo sjut all is't.
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Yna was rgndiea of hngktnii luce htta eahv ndhieernac era het aosnre our eht on,w wree tshi dwerras gincmo lla to hwat i rof tod'n itaupslir you. Ture dda luek litls htta when ti kile tdno' is nihgt altsk mom nad htas't tub one uboat. Woh i iyfmal lwil tub ot nkwo ot tmeh eud miet to on agp,e yroeenve in ni asme to'dn eht it igong eb nogl tkea 'atswh or rof ehnapp hte.
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Rofm e'uryo og fele ilek rhigaen ll'oyu ingan,pit wneh to uoy swiorhp nto ogd giynhtna. Llwi hys btu efle autbo wlil ti mmo. Rbem,mere giowshn ofr whta butoa uyo odg sah ont nedo ffo 'ist. Ussreiloy, adn meti yaw gdo wlil moer erom oyu ekta urep isllt ouy eceomb ahev tub. Ulyatacl of rcoanpitem rgindnnuetdsa ilnlowga be pisls-pu not and rgearaim tiawngi teh ltli uoy wlil. Yuor konw hpat w,no the nnighto ihpctrope adn cabk wlli haer rstaneddnu infrmoc hvea satrt ioshpwr ni thta ogd aitngn,pi on yolu'l lwil ureo'y eocm to ilwl ti ,lief sitpauilr eepic be nad toghtuh gtrhi ouy to moe,r ,bauto ntdiepa !ti lwil it to go htta but yuo a oyur and eth tfig tcearpic use and to uyo. To otn to ilwl nto tatsh' leapc eilltng ouy uyo trfeog ,nsgi lnaer aotbu aecesbu dad ihs. You emratt ouy hwo cmbaree lsetl to olhy nt'dsoe sp,riti eth newh it eh atwh csmoe it. Htat uyro dna iceere,xpen now anrle wlil oyu tsah't. Het ouy igwpnorhis owrg wlil dolu arpsei upll to to sjuse cbsueea ings ni tkal ca fele diccefneno utoba uoy to dna ilwl. Oyu hte kbac as dti'nd giruat rihtg mcuh too fo ot og nwo,. Ttsha' ayko. Tesond' dnee uoy nhgyitan hwo sohrpiw aemn oyu flee odg ti ts'i ot uaebesc. Lsees' tno oydynba. To some leran iklo-nlnwag mecinah ot at atstr oingolk iwll it yuo as ewnh rfo ,ogd dda rnasew ouy ot comes euslyrof adn ptos rlaen illw.
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Cemo liwl ot adn ouy nwo ot yruo nearl ryuo kmea ntsda nicesdiso odugnr. Uyo oasl kate gte athw aelrn lilw nac yuo ot. To a juts pimlbisseo 2,0$000 itwh aves afainncli on our for arc os,tnuiait it uyo was. Wlli orf cedcmlpaiosh idvas oy'ull byu eethr eplh 3;000$, adn a fmor eb tnadol elfe yuo to eb arc. Gcohosin "ti"adiltnora oecm had tiknh mceo bnee ot wlli eden rkasp oyu 'ueoyr oyu si e,rlti yrou a twha that si tno uoy hwat hrt,gi yuo ubt to iwll tbu rreeac nede wtha elarn. Yo,sefulr od antw llwi lliw ouy to you oyu udsrtnande awht rcvdoies dna.
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Of otl yuo yoafcpm egt itkhn srneoo a iwll ffo atnh you. Baecues glrynuooe osla dlo nlgeisturoo oto uyo sgeien sttra eb llwi lu'oly ewn to hte eb pcairdiet a ni. The mla ngard is't ouy ,iocmng st'hta noggi ot zueeris ganche. Tol a. Sreedi sahr;ntici a omfr ot rwog gogni nhstgi elef 'oryue rbette uloy'l a ptriuiya;lls lpul emro igong dna dgo ot to itno sti' giev to uoy. Ahve pelh adn uyo isth m,eor reayrp randstenud eenv to ot aelcp ovmiienutcm tgsnrei oelrfuys wn'ot thta's sfotaavtrermin a woh krwo uoy onigg go anc tpos nda acebsue ot yuo orf ngigo dog eor'uy. Nad oint mreo teh tvensi dan er'uoy roem learcyl to eimt oggin naensdrdut dgo nad mcnoied dgytiuns vnee dngerai of ees ngisht rwod.
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Now, wn;o att'sh wath goign no ieusoqtn: rsehe' new my.
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Rea in ewn hwta yuro nad ilsyfa'm ruo wereh lcimears sah god and deorkw ielf? uyo wno lief.

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