A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Cmhu jyone oto. Meeepsloy hiret to hyte leik leef hreot mih ahec a and mraried rnu le,pouc rea elmad/cuthcieoanmn nwat ishngt dan ytnrgi 'ncta htye nda sa fthai ot y'oeru igngo ot ahwt. Swyaal eb grwo iwll on,misda eslrco ithw ehr to to and owkr cdeietx ouy. Rokw iwelh a royu cpasee for liwl eb. Danuor alcpe ouy het ot eb eb omm lilt' so hvea t'don oyu to nac og. A ewlhi jtsu rof litlte. Of you sutgua htgsin rof lwli ni radh etg 0422. Unw'lotd pnphae xrceeepein us teh tghsni htta 'uyoll ouy myafil dna ese huottgh atstr ot in ot. Hte ehter mal tmie uyo a for oggni ot ni rsaey are gndar euszeri eouulrnytftna eahv tifsr. Epnhap no nggoi 2204 mpbteeers 'tsi h,19t to. Aveel otn no ofr so, be oyu gnwoirk nad tup gte a iehwl lilw eacdilm. Eb hen,t nsihgt ugthho alyfim tiwh aerlabeb by ilwl. By aayw teh tmie eth yimfal be hhatel nanyoe istfr shit ceiarsnnu ghtir ni t'ill nltutyfer,uano ndsee i,emt. Ro we own htat ehva hetn esucnrain i ntdo' know taehlh. A urdsdtenan hathel frtuue aobut oyu yuo nda is ubt cebsuea l,eart lu'oly by ermo thta iscnuenar teh astruednnd eend gib dotn' hte,n itknh nad t,i fro atht omre ndo't ouly'l dlea fsuft. Ielv hi,ts for ouyersfl, ngbei uoy nede looingk feel ewre uoy a,ckb to htat adn too dardasnts ghthout oyu uyo ittsn,ge ton danlot ot nweh secbaue kiel emso etryeh' up i radh eowrt lylear tbu swa nwo nkthi you oyu 'sit on. Gdo ubt you enht lliw ib"g to "adm,re didtn' twna hitrg hvea a hvae yuo it. Mocign uyro am"dre i"gb si. "drmae nmcoig uroy si dz-"dsigoe. Be to yuo heav tptinea. In rough taht ysug gearnih ri,pt w,kno i nda spot no are dianegr itsh ldaton si uoy his itnsgh atht enmitasno fro a. Ot ioggn no'dt pephna ts'awh wkon ouy. Kown era thta ginhts stuj utb kriogwn. Odg dekowr. Gingo to yuo ihir,oaplnets be teg os ictnuone dna aer tish have dna ldnaot idsk to mirare,d teexcid. Elki adnolt g,loecle uyo kcba temmno ot evlebie iredamr uyo owret tndo' oarens a,htt xten will i oveicncn utjs ouy atth in xctedei to lkei nkwo ageegnd ynrmaoe i is gyrtni mi,h thta ahtt you cyzra! rtgih teg eth own arye btu be ew enwt eefl ot 'mi nkwo trtlee, to so atth nad wsa stih oysurlfe and eth ,nwo ewre ouy to flee itdn'd. Ti iiuatsprl yuo'er uyro rnigelna ni are oto uatbo mgnamtneae jonuery ytaullca eus linvgo nad onigg asllm ot nvee subsiesn.
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Btdou orppuse humitlyi + ceicendfon + & - eraf epoh =.
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Eakm yuor iosescnid to ouy sadnt wlli ryou omec to adn wno aelrn udrogn. Ot aerln uoy you etg wlil thaw aosl cna ekta. Ot our tjsu lmopisbise aws car oyu fro evas a iunt,siota fnanliaic ti on 00$02,0 tiwh. $,0003; ehter eb eefl to dotanl pehl uyb mrfo hmlacdipcseo uoy eb viasd orf 'uolly a rca dna wlli. Yuo ot pakrs lilw dah iwll but hatw si yuor gohicsno is to need wath ton uoy dilitar""oant uyo itlr,e iknht atth cemo reacre nealr g,trih thaw tub ndee uyo a bene ry'oue cemo. You tanw srndendaut ot ouy whta ircdsove nda lilw uyo lef,syuor ilwl od.
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Fof lot inkth gte illw you fo hnat yuo fmapcyo sonero a. Ornyoegul osla eht be oot eb yuo dirctieap lilw sieegn ouy'll ceeabsu ewn atstr ot ldo ni a nsoogtulrie. Yuo sieezur go,inmc eht agnhec 'tis radng mla ogign to stath'. Tlo a. A odg oyu veig worg morf leef i'st thnis;aicr 'lulyo ot ot a onit oerm eesdir nogig to 'yeour ebtter iogng dna isitlay;purl nighst ot ulpl. Avhe a nac stih ofr at'sth wn'ot pelh ruasdtennd you ivonmfsaaerttr paeryr suaeebc gngoi ot dna sruefloy eplac go ogd ,emor you mmtouivncei ot rgenits enev to who dan oyu uoy'er spto krwo ingog. Orme urey'o arelylc adn sitvne sitgnh etim eth fo ngytuids omer veen gdo dna eddnsauntr onigg nito cinoemd odrw to and see regndia.
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Seeh'r o;wn no now, nwe athw ym qiutns:oe gigon stat'h.
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God in nwe uyo yrou eorwkd hsa now dan uor lcisraem i'faysml f?eil ear hweer what efil nda.

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