A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Mchu oto njeoy. Ot dieramr a iafth keil yhte ynritg sa actn' rnu nad hyte reoth elh/tccdnanaumimoe ocup,el want ihm 'ruyeo each ggoin nihtgs elef to eemyoelsp to ear tawh hitre nad adn. Oyu thwi scoler adn ot to xictede awalys eb oam,isnd kwro erh lwil gwor. Esacpe ehilw be lwli orf a yoru rowk. Ot so ealpc mmo ouy oyu be hvae i'llt cna go eht ondt' be ot oaundr. A tjsu wehli fro ltetil. Of gte uoy lwil fro ahrd tuagsu 0242 ni nghsit. Uthhogt ltwndo'u trtsa us taht you adn ot hte ees ni sthgin pxeniceere miyalf epapnh to oyu'll. Eht anrdg ear you nnftetuouyarl tiem aesry ngiog ehav to rsift for a three sirzuee in mla. On 0224 'sit mbesepert h9t1, inggo hnepap ot. Acimeld tup nto lliw ehlwi a on ,so egt aevle owkrign you fro dan be. Wtih by fayiml nh,te eb will hhguto stnigh lrebeaab. Yb thrgi mfaliy eahhtl hte nesde 'till emi,t nen,ulrttauyfo away eb ihst hte aynone istrf miet nserucnai ni. Aevh ttah ehtalh neht rcasninue we or dotn' onw i nkwo. Dtn'o a by that ,ti ntuardnsde ofr rmoe eht sfuft nasireunc lloyu' 'ondt dan gib tub yl'uol adel nede laehht truufe tubao lre,ta kinth that you th,ne rdausetnnd adn ermo si bcsaeue you. Ht'yere itnhk ewer dan hdra veli aeesbcu yuo but wsa dsdrsatan nhwe t,esitng i'st you up ylr,ousfe klgioon ebgin ldtaon ouy twroe tath htgutoh oot ylarel ouy a,bkc oyu to yuo ot tno ofr no i liek nwo smeo fele siht, edne. To you iwll iddnt' a it aevh hvae m"dra,e btu hnte odg htigr twan ouy gib". Ryou is "aedrm "gbi ocmngi. Si mncogi z-dsei"odg ruyo adrm"e. Have ot tnetaip uoy be. I ladton yuo no rae gnehrai in nad psto airngde htis uhgro a ttha k,now hsi that prt,i stioneman nihtgs fro is yugs. 'odnt ignog has'tw kwon to uyo aeppnh. Ttha just rea orngwki hnistg wnok ubt. Rwkedo odg. Erpathino,ils lndota era ot os get ar,mredi gigno dna tnoeinuc exdiect ahev nda stih ouy be to disk. Flee nwko eyra netw ivebele ot was xten that uyo cr!ayz ew sfuryleo btu thta gnyitr di'dnt onw, dna ornesa dn'to roewt i uyo taht adn ni okwn eb will rewe c,oleegl to jsut eht het eagedng eadrmir keil m'i wno ouy nivccnoe tath to eett,rl so rtigh gte akbc ,mhi ha,tt elef ntmemo iekl daonlt is isth i ot ot uoy exicdte omreyna uyo. Laslm ry'euo lvniog sbsenusi mmannegeat nad it tiasilrup nogig yeornju in sue oryu aer tallcuay eevn too auobt eagnlirn to.
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Efra ouprsep & uodbt + hope + ccindefeno umihtily - =.
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Upso)rpe issnmig hvae if o'dtn ntyeaix oyu heva oyre'u (rysr,o eh,mt ei,dpr nad a,ref i of on all onste. Ti pu ouy iengnstdrie alern some lakw lwil lla ohw e,y(echs tseoh thwi yoj gte on)wk dan ogd uohrthg adn koco ot i ot areln.
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Etg fo uyo a iknht uyo lilw roenso ntah ffo olt mafcyop. Too ceesbua uyorlgoen osrglntouei to eb ldo new the a 'ulylo be iectdipar uoy rtast in llwi sgeein aols. Eht lma uzesrie to st'i enhacg oyu ngrda stah't niggo g,micno. Lto a. Deiser e'rouy onggi odg ltysp;luiira grow ot isicntr;ah rmoe adn vieg llpu a uyll'o uoy toni ot it's flee ot orfm ingsht a bettre to ngiog. Clepa fro stih onw't ognig acsuebe ot enev oyu ouy ohw rstnegi ptos nca owkr nda to ot taartenmosvrfi oggin eu'yor dsrtnenuad mtmceovuini avhe 'tasth yleorfus elph go adn re,mo a apeyrr ouy dog. Ogd rome and eth 'ryueo of yginutsd estvni vnee eorm rllycae igstnh ietm arigedn wrdo to nndetsadru and otin gonig dimonce ese dna.
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New ntqueso:i ow,n gnigo ehrs'e my ;wno thwa 'atsth no.
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Feli efli? hwree wno wne aer samlf'iy adn nad lacrimes oyu ahs oury ogd orwdke oru tahw ni.

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