A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot njyoe hmcu. Aehc urn aer loyseemep dna tignyr htaw nad ikel a nda ithfa ot ot your'e nihgst poec,lu leef ggoin tca'n mrrieda reoth hyet ot awnt mhi tiehr uneodteanh/mcalcim sa etyh. To ihtw xiedcte locrse eb illw ,oanimsd dan to rhe wrko rgwo wlaysa uyo. Eb a lwil cpaese ryuo owkr lweih orf. L'lit veha eth dnaour epcla to odn't to uyo yuo go mmo be be nca os. A rfo ujst welih etlitl. Hsignt ni rof rdah you 0242 ilwl of tge tsaguu. Su eppanh hghuott eth nda eecpnxreie ees y'ulol yuo atrts inthsg nduotw'l fiylma ot taht in ot. Gongi a avhe eehrt rtfis rysea etmi ouy eeiruzs fotaynueutrln ear rdagn the ni lam to rof. No ioggn ,1ht9 nppahe 2204 'its to etsebrmpe. Teg eb s,o iewlh nad leeva illw ofr oyu nto ogiknwr a no utp eilmcda. Itwh afilmy htghuo illw yb lebareab ngtshi ,ethn be. Endse eht hte 'llti lhahte onneay by mfiyla yawa t,iem nrisnaecu itme ni be nltnfrae,uyotu fsirt girth htis. Tlahhe ro hatt ew ecansrnui i evah n'otd hnte wkon own. Htealh yb t,i nad eht more uyo aesbecu a ftufs oemr fro htat a,ltre to'nd btu ttah ouy need uy'llo yuoll' dan 'dotn elad t,enh etruuf nriuances atuob utrnesnadd bgi adstrenndu nihtk is. Ot uthhgto evil but for were oyu uoy uyo dlatno edne rt'eehy tgts,ine ahtt aeeuscb sith, ,ckab ouy ewotr nda enhw ognkloi no darh rso,fluey aadstrnsd lryael swa i oot bieng to uyo esmo feel yuo up elik tikhn otn won sti'. 'nddit it gdo wnat ahev iwll to hten g"bi aevh a uyo er"d,ma irthg but oyu. Ogcnmi si re"dam ib"g uyor. Uryo icmnog dmar"e si dsezdog"i-. Be uyo ot ettipna evha. Tnaoimnse tops htta ofr no rit,p signht ouy aer i ni si gahrine ogurh ish egidnra a hsti tnoadl adn ygsu wnok, hatt. Nwok igogn ot oyu swha't npaphe odtn'. Sujt taht iwrgonk onwk tbu tsihgn era. Dog drokwe. Oging nda dan dimearr, ot uyo so troilepsain,h to vhae aer eb xdiecte egt isth cetnoiun disk ndolta. Meoynar tath vnniccoe wkno eary to ikle denegga tath i ,lttere iaredmr thigr we uyo taht etrow hat,t nxet im' eth wsa yuo nowk tbu efle oyu wlil os won ec,lgoel ot flee eronas gte ,mhi eht be eommtn dna i ustj in zarc!y rewe to ixtdece gtnyri wnet to akbc to 'ddnti eluorfys nad td'no you ihst ielk oalndt htat si oyu lieveeb wn,o. Enlaring nivolg ot ni neagmtemna oot rouy neev iuenssbs nad sue ngoig lyalacut tiulrpais uabto are y'roue ti uynroje asllm.
.
Oyu lreietbr gvei twhi ehtnos each ceelogl if a thso ,rhteo 'erew did. Frits eimt teh. Gogin yoeru' ptu uryo to you into lla it wneh ,bakc go. Etncqhiseu niogg rty elrna ot ot krsow tawh for sdadntenur dtsuy ouy nad 'oeury. Lepeop ahwt a lliw atth orf onwk ubt yeth of dosla ttha yuo kate ,posuerp are dinf iwchst tei,m adn ot poeple evne dan rac,eer arsey aerft od +03 n'dot heetr antw ngitsh teosh your. Wkon ilacnfina btauo tcirane uor if 001% 'odtn ilyms'af eerw uoy i lesbompr. It dsuon keil ti netds'o. Reut ,esy ebaryl ti can yuo make sit'. Thta intuenoc a ot wya heilw rfo be l'lti. Watn fnlaciian 'uloyl tluin ti nalre me rhhgtou tfuuer oyu teruu,f isahbt, tub dab hatw ehtso eth ot to oesg od xfi. Ltle lwil hpepan hawt c'tna uyo i. Was rhpeca rwee itkhn oyu but on ddi uyo atht i tlupimle anyd hwat msiisng ndigitsneer y,jo eht odt'n rfo eipcre irzeaeld. Tno btu uoy uoy vahe ro yhtilium iceefndcn,o not tddni' lyon did evah ehp,o rupeops,. Nxeaiyt dnoicefnce & + aptayh - + pespour meerbmer: = ohpe tiihmluy.
= heop eeocnincdf luihtymi & + eraf - + odtub epsoupr.
Epho ro eposrpu utmyilhi + - ciecdofnne = nscuiriitese) prdie + earao(gnrc.
Ond't lal usr)ppoe setno dna aevh txenayi isgimns yuo of mh,et ,rsy(or rdep,i i o'uyre aveh no a,fer fi. Ckoo pu ohw tge nda awlk oesm ot hhougtr liwl it ot lal nda dog yoj whti i ec(sy,he othes oknw) naler uoy rnlea inrndetesig.
.
Emka tsi' mdin kaoy up taht you ruyo cat'n. Ti hduslo vahe aubto yuo eadpry. Oatbu npiragy ktihn you btu i hwat fi pu you rqeicuk ouy udlhos it edn idd, reevn pdlehe od ew'vudol ouy tllsurii,apy. And asptor apry yuo sirpit uepaleereitnrnr lliw an etll reov uyo uyo ahtt ac vhae. Ahtt lliw eh tub nkow wno't asm,en oyu waht. You to uoy unddernsat ndmkoig is and ot nad whta akcb ouy nad tenik,hc rnlae ni ohseoc ttha osem wkor lliw romaj iwll liwl icncnecioed on oceglle not nogig. To nhotsegmi blae use uyo lwli be lkgalaw/lcin for tihw tis' yuro ni dog and. Aer k,ile rea wlli isemetmos, albglhaue siedicnso y,ugon you sllit sbueeac eelf ryou uyo. Aeg but tretma nse'otd. The gnitste you fi ot rmof icmofnogrn kepe solryfeu dgo ouy lwodr, trapa epke wlli. Higr,t in i tnhki a otnadl ,kacb eesns swa gnoliok. But you ont wkro iniwtgr heer futuer oru wehn enev want rfo ot tsih uoy aymlfi yitri,nsm is shta't. Vwleduo' 1%00 ttha dad be you henw eavh what" gidno no oph ng"hi"t no ikhnt to dan eerw anwt i yteh ahtw w,rok godi"?n 'wants opeepl fro oshnietmg juts tlle nbee to nhkit are sadk,e tn'aws yuros ot 'notd gnyirt roadb so do wuold eehrt ihts adn jtus keil ouy oyu ouy oyu. To you bsuceae nwta eosd n'ddit juts ni dda echieeols/vboe ensdt'o nda ingyhnta eh. Dinm fnid esbecau wodns tbu tthas' ghrtohu dislo gtmsoehin yruo and enchga a rae siltl liwl ,keil ups dna r,yae og utjs layrel you yuo ,rfo woh 'uloly. Teh wane,rs oughth dgo divorpe yuo liwl iwht. Tusj obatu lal ceipeant t'is.
.
Cleu i for you lla fo ot indhceaenr the uro n,ow era reonas mgcnoi weer ausirltpi tath eht thsi saw wtha nya ingiknth adesrrw d'ont eahv irgdena. Whne it tuer omm sltak tbu neo illts is add ilke ginth abuto nda stt'ha lkue htta t'don. Ownk ot eht eb btu owh llwi d'tno ni fmiyla emti ggnoi msae eud ot lnog in ,aepg swa'ht yvneoeer ofr ti teka to eth pnepha no or i ehtm.
.
Ouye'r og otn keil sophirw god rmfo ngytahin a,iitngnp ly'olu eefl heriagn to uyo when. Hys bauto lwli ti ubt lfee omm will. Buoat iwhonsg t'is dgo sha ont uoy rmmre,ebe htwa fro fof ndeo. Eahv you mceoeb tiem god wya uyo llwi ermo prue dan btu sslueyo,ri ktae reom stlli. And yuo cltaulya ngdirsnnuatde ntmoipacer nto eb aoliwlng tlil marrgeai fo lwil eth iwagtin lui-pssp. Tfig tobua, but og lwil ihsrpow tghouth to iadeptn dna ro,em ot epiec iwll phat hgrti hpcteproi ouy ,elif abkc eht nad illw o,nw rouy r'ueoy to fmicrno uyo trsta konw it! ni t,annpiig hare dna cemo it teh dna be cetacpri wlli on inonthg you atth heva ruyo ttah ailpusitr god ot use ti dsunndrate a uolyl'. G,ins eraln ont his dad eeauscb lientgl ouy to lilw cepla gfrtoe to ton uyo tobau 'ttsha. Nt'esdo nhew ti hwta ocmse uyo ot ohw ebmaerc he lyho stpi,ir teh it mrttea yuo leslt. Th'ats atht ruoy lliw pex,inecree lenar nda own oyu. Iwll efle uyo lduo to sejsu gnsi lpul wiirgnphos to ilwl uyo nad riaeps talk wrgo the ac in to ccfeniendo uaobt ebascue. Ot ,wno go kbac cumh tguari fo tn'ddi oto ihrgt oyu eth as. Atts'h yoak. Edne 'tsi ytghiann to you hspriwo flee who esaecbu aemn it ouy odg etno'sd. Aboyydn l'ssee not. Raenl opst ot lwil ta nlon-iakwlg attsr oyu ot emso wsnear it ikognol enlra emosc nhcamei yuo d,go sa and uoflsyre rof add to lwli enwh.
.
Oecindiss oyru omce to dnguor rlnae ot uory nadst dan yuo eakm onw ilwl. Teg alren ouy you liwl to ekat oals anc hatw. Asw a tiaost,inu rac fnincaial ot oilpsisbme no fro $0,0200 thiw seav yuo rou jtsu it. Ot rfo eelf be and ,003;0$ lloyu' buy will be etehr rca orfm pecodalscmih lhpe tloand dvias a yuo. Elri,t is meco neral nithk not btu but need gnhioocs a yuo eomc si uyo yruo lri"idoatnta" htwa oyu dha oyu to rhit,g to eben lwli iwll oyru'e twah tawh eedn ercaer rpkas atht. Eyrlo,fus awtn ot you awth wlli ddnsneatur yuo you iorsvcde ilwl dna od.
.
Oyu yuo lilw nikht yfcompa teg lto a athn eoorsn of off. Nsurtgloioe too olul'y wne wlli in uoy dol to sigene nrlooyueg eb eht tarst aslo a dcpiarite eb eacsbeu. Is't gogni hecgan you reuiezs to aml rdgna at'sht ignmoc, het. A tol. Ot inot a lfee dog owgr 'sit ot ot gnogi isncari;th vgei rfom ulpl hnitsg y'eour to rtbeet adn gonig l'olyu a psllirutyia; uyo eomr dieesr. A clpae mreo, cseubea anc who 'ntow ouy nogig to oruyeslf nad psto to to uasertdnnd rkwo yuor'e dna ahev for htsta' gogni go veen dgo uoy ephl sgentir earryp sftrarevinoamt oyu shti oummtevnici. Nad vene rnegiad ot het yur'oe ees eocnmid ihnstg dsgtniyu dan oemr undtasdrne item of lrclaye dan gigno eorm ntevis odrw noti gdo.
.
O;nw on,w on ehesr' ahwt ggoin new tha'st siutnq:eo my.
.
Ewher dna in eilf sah odg mfsyl'ai eliscram are ryuo ?ifle nwe redwok htwa uor uoy adn now.

This user has written an update to this letter.To see what they wrote, please

Press ← and → on your keyboard to move between letters

Write new comment

Load more comments