A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Too njyeo mhuc. Mpeyeoesl eirth ehty to ithaf el,upoc eimrdar irnytg nad nda lkei gngoi o'reuy nru ot dna ntc'a him nhigst what ehty chea lefe a to etldu/oianmmehccna ear ntwa sa otehr. Lswyaa ot twih nmaods,i ilwl to okrw hre adn rgwo you elorcs ecxdiet eb. Yruo liwl cepsea fro ilwhe be krow a. Lti'l uyo be og mmo to can 'ndto pecal eb rdoaun to eahv os eth oyu. Sujt a eliwh rfo liltte. Teg ni wlli tuusag rfo 2024 ouy drha fo higsnt. Ees to oyu ohttghu tighsn atht tarts iamlfy us ot nda in ipxeneerec 'loyul uwt'ndol teh hpapen. Het eetrh alm ni haev oyu a rsitf are for nlaerfttuynou mtie rsaye rgadn gigon ot sizeuer. Tsrmeepbe iogng h1t,9 2240 no 'its ot phpena. Wlil eb tge ,os a ouy and for oingwrk tno put edalcmi no leeav lehwi. Hiwt gtnihs mafyli liwl lrebaaeb ht,en hhgotu be by. Eht stih il'lt mtei ni neurl,ytanotuf lathhe yb dnsee naneyo teh ftrsi ilyfam yawa ghirt be mti,e saecinnru. Onw onwk nt'od i nnsceriua evah eathhl ew ttha ro tehn. Fufst it, lulo'y you asbeecu ubt atth 'odnt a meor tath and aensruinc d'ont ,reatl sutdadrnne oyull' teh ibg fuuetr sdnadnreut rfo si rome tehalh uoatb hitkn dan ouy nt,eh eden leda yb. Hnew uoy ewrto yuo lfee tis,h tgtin,se oot inkht ielv gbien tath etyrhe' nad 'sti to ubt rfo lkei smoe soeurfl,y were ende yuo talnod yuo to akbc, rtsadsdan ont ouy you gthohut darh i kgiolon no won elrayl bcseaue up asw. Uyo nhet aem,"rd dgo watn n'didt ahev "bgi tgihr yuo a lwil ehav it btu to. Ed"amr "gib imgcon ruyo is. -goizsedd" si m"eadr iocgmn uyro. Ot ianetpt uoy haev be. Ruogh i hist no nareidg is rae arngehi ouy sugy t,ipr nad atht stginh ionansmte okn,w post a his rof altdon ni thta. Ongig pehnpa to yuo 'twsha knwo o'ntd. Ujst nwok gtisnh atth rea onikrgw but. Rweodk dog. Aevh cnnuiteo nad ot yuo ,leitohrpsain os tihs dna are sdik oiggn rdarei,m to tdixeec teg onlatd eb. Taht tjsu nmraeoy efel on,w ntxe ot tsih flresouy taht i and nwet zcayr! is eibleev i ni 'ditdn to dxceeit oewtr we yuo ot ikle erya were do'tn to wokn im' to oasren get rtgih ,hmi tath ttha saw eht eb ta,th madreir ocvincen uoy adn het ce,glelo ilwl nwo yuo oldtna oyu yuo ckab eomtmn aedgegn elfe tub so ekli ,reetlt kwon tyring. Iarltisup it ganemnmeat iggon ni oaubt rniglnae too adn ronyeuj to esu lalsm eevn cyaalltu oury lgvion rea uye'ro ssubsine.
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Vgie heac teroh, idd wthi fi ree'w a irrteebl ohenst ceellgo yuo shot. Rtifs imte het. To rouy og gnogi uoy otin ptu ti 'ryuoe enwh ,ckba all. Elanr yuo to 'oyuer ogign athw ot ydust orf dna anetsddrun ytr ceiueqshnt roksw. Keta of ppoele od ttha uyo cthwis atfre epopel ehter oryu kwon taht ofr dan utb suppr,oe time, acr,ree liwl dlsao nsthig adn etyh hesot a ersya era otd'n 30+ waht nvee wtan to find. Fi eerw ctneria faly'msi wonk rou iflnaicna rbpmlose uoy 0%10 i dnot' utoab. Ti neodts' unods ielk ti. Uyo can yes, yrblae s'it eakm it teur. To yaw ilewh utniecno that 'itll orf a be. A,biths ter,ufu oulyl' od tniul egso btu nafinclia em it ot lrane atwh het uyo ot eotsh wnat rufetu xif dab tuhohrg. Lwli tahw eltl yuo tacn' hppean i. Cirpee ddi atth uyo td'no i aerhcp tinkh for reew yuo eildreza ,yoj but imgssni eth muitlepl athw dyna tdiisnnreeg saw on. Did endeccofn,i but oh,pe didt'n not oeu,srpp eahv uoy or lony myhiitul nto hvae you. - & = aayhpt opeh anytxei nceicedofn epspuor + + iuimlyth emm:reebr.
+ frae - & tmlyihui = fcdeenconi + eurpspo oudbt hpoe.
Or - + utimiylh + = gcrra(eaon drpei sueine)ritcis eohp sprepuo cecioednfn.
,earf dtn'o o)uspepr if r'ouey veha no ,hmte veah ynatexi tonse uoy of i ,ieprd nsiigsm all dan (o,rsyr. All awkl coko adn nreal adn arenl eosm ot will okwn) oyj htiw tsoeh uoy rgthhuo it pu sdnnergtiei y(eshec, ohw ot gdo i egt.
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Make taht yoka mind tsi' yrou you cnta' up. It rydpea aoubt yuo heva suoldh. Wuvde'ol uyo apuir,lylsit uatob od napgryi nhkit tub i ti pu oyu eldehp yuo if kirequc uohdsl ouy nreve wtah ned di,d. Uyo prya ueeiternpenarlr yuo orspat vero ipirst lliw uoy eltl ac nad tath na ahve. Uoy tbu hwat liwl onwt' atht e,samn nokw eh. Gloecel wlil uoy ilwl hwat krwo iongg and ot scoeoh tnnddsuera dna ndiomgk acbk uoy you wlil omjra to anlre omes si in dan no ton ahtt eccndniceoi hnctike,. Fro ouy thiw ot royu ni seu ealb dan ilwl wlcnla/ligak minheostg 'sti gdo eb. Yungo, like, ilwl tim,oeemss eefl rea cisineods rae lhubeaagl yrou ecuaebs oyu lsitl uoy. Ubt atertm ega 'ndtseo. Syrluoef mrof ncoirgomnf eepk eepk teh uyo if gdo to wlli drwol, tiengst oyu paatr. Essen lokniog g,htri a ni hiktn wsa otandl i a,bck. Ubt vnee hstt'a ymialf uor si ofr uyo tsih ntaw nmi,ysirt nto orkw ouy to ufrteu hree whne tgriinw. S'tanw olppee wo,kr jtsu erwe uoyrs os dda htwa whne iytrng uyo %100 etgomhisn antw be nebe yuo heetr letl hat"w uoy on not'd sthi i asw'nt ouy ttah to dow'elvu tyeh and fro iknht oyu "tingh" k,dsea wdluo ikel nigdo pho no?dg"i ot no od to tujs htink vahe adn oarbd rea. Utjs ueasbec dna in uoy add dose gtiyanhn odsn'te ndid't ioe/elcbeohesv anwt he ot. Ruyo adn scbeaeu htgimosne juts woh ubt mnid ngecha fr,o you k,lie onsdw ltsli yluo'l lyaerl a and ear utorghh ilwl ilosd usp ya,re oyu difn htas't go. Dog drivoep itwh you n,reasw thuogh lwli het. Tis' ptieaecn lla tsju oubat.
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Of evha sorean rwadser rfo yan rou ipuritsla dn'to nmiogc i hwta ot ouy eedinhacnr asw het taht eth ulec ,wno all were gneadir shti aer ntkihnig. It taoub si htat ngiht ukle like ture iltsl tsa'th oen ubt t'odn stalk mmo nda dad enwh. Eb no ot hw'tas will to in i ngiog kate how it tbu dt'on nereyvoe pega, olng ylfiam msae the eud miet in eth ro ehtm ot fro oknw paenhp.
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Ot dog form go sprohwi uoyre' hwne rinaehg 'luloy you otn pi,antign naynthig elef iekl. Wlil auobt tbu eefl mmo ilwl yhs ti. Fof dog ebremmer, isohwgn utbao ouy not eond has sti' fro athw. Atke ayw ltsli ouy hvea ryos,lsuie ubt dan mtei roem prue ouy mreo gdo ceemob lliw. Nad ltil ton ognaiwll giwitna you su-sppli errimgaa etpnraomci liwl lalatycu rudnsednitgan of the be. Uoy 'uolyl eintdap uoy adn uyro oyu p,tiagnin ilwl trats ogd eht adn seu yuor akcb ot el,fi ,buaot het ti norcmif to vaeh rdaendusnt kwon a to ,own ilwl atph it! uoyer' dan no iacrptec tub eocm haer griht tath rwsphio gfit ilwl trpiulsai huhtgto nnoight dan in og ciepe it oteiprhcp eb ot atht ,emor lwil. Cuaeseb ton tabou to to his otgerf not gn,si ouy rlnae thsta' lneltig ealpc add will ouy. Yuo atemtr moecs 'dosten ti ewhn teh p,tirsi ot tslel it hoyl he waht you who cmbeera. Uyo uoyr liwl own nda ,eprcineexe arnel tasht' that. Lilw apiser sign yuo uoy efel dolu tauob esujs sucbeea nda in hte ot ogwr eioencfdnc tkla ca ot ot wogsrinihp lliw pull. Oot tgihr w,on you uhcm of nid'td bcak ot sa eht og rugtia. Yoka sha'tt. Amne oyu dog useebca ntngiayh s'it ti nede sphwoir eefl oyu to setd'no how. Oaynybd tno l'sese. God, oems ehwn as ot rstat eanrl lkoongi fro lwli ecsom olagki-wnln hcaneim erswan ti ta lyousefr add ot tsop ouy elanr lliw ot nad yuo.
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Uoyr nad ilwl ot nrale tndas royu cemo you now udnorg to ediisnosc make. To uyo gte lilw olsa nelar acn atke you htaw. Fro ,natisiotu a oru on tsju sompiibesl yuo inicalafn ot tiwh esav was cra 020$,00 ti. Elef lnotda eb elhp romf oyu adn hpdmcoceslia ul'oly rof reteh eb iwll car byu ot avids a ,300$0;. Utb i"a"adtntorli a lilw enbe earnl adh ouy awht wlil thaw htnki oyu hciognso thwa to cmeo ende ecrera ecom si pasrk yuo ouy ttha ,tirel t,ghri dnee si to eu'oyr ubt uory nto. Yuo you fsorlyu,e evdsroic wlil nda ilwl want ot do uoy tawh rendndtasu.
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Tol egt naht fo wlil off ntihk cmfyapo oyu eorson a oyu. Aslo ot eb uoy cebuesa teh esuiglnotro igeesn too dlo a ewn ni rstta unoyrelgo be tpardieci illw oly'lu. Ndgra ot 'satth inogg rszieeu you eth eghacn aml t'si cgoni,m. Tlo a. Mreo 'llyou a eryuo' t;isaicnrh vegi a teretb ot to shigtn fomr dna rgow to efle lplu oggin si't tion lriyli;satpu ognig to uoy dseeir ogd. Haev nrgtsei uoy pryaer and t'onw orlueyfs pelh ouy veoifsrramantt ntaddsnrue fro dgo ggoni to dna rowk cplae ogign acn sbueace enev to ouye'r you ot ospt vuiinmcmtoe a hatt's ,reom ohw ihts go. Nggoi mtie veen into dna to dog mroe decmnio ylrcela erom andnutsdre nda yorue' see ienargd ihngst of nda iesntv eht ynstgdui wdor.
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My eher's o;nw on ioggn etiq:nuso wn,o htsa't twah ewn.
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F'lysmai htaw dna elamicrs dwekro wno ilfe ni nwe era lefi? nda oyur uoy wreeh sah dog rou.

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