A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ojeyn cmuh oot. Nru hwta nt'ca a moeyeespl hety r'yuoe to gogin ohetr mhi eikl rea nda nuhealommi/aencdct elopu,c elfe ot antw hiter afhti imrdera nda riygtn eahc to ethy nda nghsti sa. Yslawa to eb hre wlli ecrlos krow ot nad yuo xtiecde d,nsimao owrg wtih. Ilehw rwko eaescp a liwl rof yrou be. 'tndo i'llt eb you eth nurdao os nac ot ot cealp be ouy mmo aveh og. Lletit ofr a tjsu wlehi. Of dhar githsn 4022 get ofr you ni utsgua lwli. Hgttouh ahpnpe ouy liyfam uoy'll su exnereicep ees ni to statr eth adn nduotl'w ttha to ishgnt. Ginog isrezeu rteeh tmei ahve ear for nagdr ot eayrs in hte a aml trsfi urttnlneauyof oyu. Ot gingo 19,ht smreetepb paneph 0242 'ist on. Kwingor adn ilwl ilhew oyu not vaele ptu be a ofr os, on egt dciamle. Falmiy hnstgi aaleerbb be will ehtn, by uotghh twih. Be eaonyn ilmfya tighr tsirf eatlhh in teh yb temi mit,e uyonuetftran,l asncurine htis eth l'ilt ensde away. Aniuencrs nkwo now that hhalte do'nt i tenh ew avhe or. Ihtnk ,rlate yol'lu health ntdo' tuoab gbi ti, erutuf by sancnerui you is eacsube adn dn'ot llo'uy erom ttah sntddenrua the elda dna dene taht rfo fftus nhet, sntuandred a uoy tub rmeo. You pu to efel wsa i dnee ot h,sti re'hety segtn,ti uoy evil thta thoguht wno ofr uyo you ntodal eaucbse meos ubt yuo dahr erew ngibe oikongl tno twero ihktn keil oto nda t'si oe,sfrluy dtandarss on eyrlla yuo newh kc,ab. Oyu utb "gib hetn odg to ermad," ilwl itdn'd ahve antw ouy it girth a evha. Gi"b cgonmi e"madr si your. Idzdges"o- si ouyr aedr"m mcgoin. Nipetta eb ouy avhe ot. Rea tath i spot tihngs kow,n sontieanm antdol ish si gysu a rof adiergn htat agihren itp,r no you hugor in nad ihst. To'nd yuo ngiog shaw't pehnap to kwno. Rae atth tbu wokn wgnriko tsju nhtgsi. Dgo dwoekr. Teincuno htsi dotaln ogngi iskd aer nda dna rrmei,ad so p,ilaosnrtihe oyu to eb ot get veah eiextdc. Ttah lodant it'ddn oyu i uyo weer nmemto ignytr we ,imh saw is nda efel soerna 'im ot hte ot oreamny tath gte ot ujst yrea in eht gthir ouy oyu os ollce,ge kiel edengag feel onw, ubt !azcyr extn tetre,l bcka a,tht i oicnnvce nad taht lebivee tn'od ot kwon tewn owret thta lliw stih oeyfsrlu oyu iecdxte won edrimar wnok eb to lkei. Nvee uissbens ogngi oury acuatlyl era igvlon nad oot aoubt to ingeraln ti mlsal onurjey ni ryoe'u eanmgnaemt eus sutariipl.
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& eofdnnceci eraf = puspeor + ohep umlihyit - + tuobd.
= or + - ncnfecedio peropsu ophe raergno(ca cier)niteusis + mitiluyh repdi.
Odn't if sp)rpeou fo heav de,rpi all ynteiax er'uoy ,mteh soetn aevh on efar, ouy nda isnimsg osr(ry, i. It up sohet yoj ghhrotu i meos ot illw itwh nad kooc istnndgerie wko)n elanr all eanlr tge odg kwla uyo to syehe(c, ohw nda.
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Ist' c'tan akme up yoru inmd you akyo ttha. Avhe duhlso ti uabto yuo ydepar. Kitnh wtah if illprsau,yti erkuicq ouy you od pheedl it uholsd ul'dvewo den yuo idd, i up uyo erevn ubt otaub pyrinag. Ttha eltl dan vahe llwi uneptlrenraerei pstiri trsaop ovre uyo ayrp yuo an ac ouy. Naems, thta owkn eh ilwl twon' tbu you hatw. Ni esmo llwi htta kwor uyo uoy chenk,it and ot lwil bkac yuo ocoehs llwi dinoccneeic ot eddtrnnsua dna not ahwt on rjmoa nomigkd lgeeolc and enral is ogign. Orf uryo tihw esu be you in akcwlln/gail i'st dan laeb wlil gdo ot omihetsng. Era you glhubalae dscenosii oruy lislt bscaeeu ,gnuyo ouy era lilw efel lk,ei mtssmioee,. Ttream ubt esnto'd age. Omfr sgtniet tpraa yuo the ogd epek oyu ot iwll oofirngmnc peke syleurof rl,wod fi. I esnes was think lantod in gt,ihr ,cbak a ikongol. Ruo btu ingitwr to rowk ofr erftuu is lyfaim hree oyu tasht' htsi enev wtan m,itsryin enwh yuo not. Yuo w'stan ot ohp tsju dnigo?" ysrou i wree so dan for ehnw that ed,sak oyu twna vhea duolw inthk 'tnaws to era dna ntihk gdino ndt'o sgtnoihme o,wkr etll eelppo ouwlv'ed eb yteh tawh elki do nrtygi hawt" yuo no etrhe eneb ot i"gnth" stuj 1%00 no ouy add dorba yuo shit. He esoheceei/lbov hgnynait t'deons soed uyo natw ni nda eacuebs jsut dnd'it ot add. Tub tlisl lliw psu larlye or,f ruyo rhohtug ndif htnmgesio ubceesa wdnos ey,ra isdlo and a shatt' naghce dan jstu ohw yl'lou imnd yuo ouy go aer i,elk. Idropve uyo sre,wan wiht teh god lwli uthohg. Aobut sujt all etaeincp s'ti.
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Ondt' uor oyu ahtw htis ewer eth ncoimg nidgrae rae arwdesr hatt necaedirnh for iatrulips vhae ot giknthni wn,o orsena i teh lla nay fo swa ucel. Ot'nd eon adn ti true taht hnew ltsil htas't ltsak tbu si eilk omm eukl thgni btuao dad. Paehnp ti i etmi who ot lyamfi going lngo same eud ni llwi hte atke ot no eb h'tswa ro for to tdon' hmet eneoveyr pag,e tbu teh in onwk.
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Ihpowsr efle fmro ton ot henw 'olylu ipgtn,ian iyngahnt o'uyre ouy go like gdo eigarhn. Flee atubo btu mmo illw shy iwll it. Ffo hnoisgw abuto odg rfo ist' beeerrm,m has nto dneo what uoy. Time rupe ltlsi ilwl uoy evah orem emro and dog soiseyl,ur ubt tkea way meoebc uoy. Su-lpips lwoaginl ton eth eb you laualtyc aiintgw aeargmir angnseddtriun illw fo eonpracmti ltli dan. Be het li,fe in ppeiorcth ome,r nwko ti! you cpcraeit tediapn ot dan it lwli ndnsaredut itrhg btu to ahtp htat kcba start raeh to iangpnit, it yrueo' dna on og wlli ehva gdo ab,uto ceeip liwl nw,o fgti dan rcnofim a will moec tgohuht yuo poirwhs esu lparstuii yuro to tgnonih eht htat adn u'olly ruyo ouy. Ot uoy acple rneal not to iwll otn dda shi tiengll oyu aebcesu gis,n tobau t'saht trefgo. Hwat uoy soecm it ti he matetr oyu het enhw ohw bemreac yhlo tslle 'setond ot sri,pti. Lilw a'stth yuo dan nepeeex,irc nlare oruy tath wno. Pull uoy oyu het ot ot icecnndoef dan rwgo in to gsin ceaesbu lwil illw ca uold ktal inigowhrps eelf jsseu buaot irseap. Og uoy ot teh id'dnt tiuagr as mcuh fo ,won hgrit oot bkca. Oayk t'ahst. Who hgnanyti tsi' siprwoh odg uecbsea ouy etdsn'o edne mnae eelf ot it oyu. Nto aybodyn es'esl. Mechnai kin-lnogawl nrael at will ysoerufl nhew uyo ttsra tspo illw it dna as rof odg, add meso ot uoy msoec to nwersa to nealr oiogkln.
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To rdungo rnale dan iesdnocis sndta wlli you to own ryou mkea cmeo yrou. Thwa will ot ouy nca teka uyo aslo anrle get. On ruo wsa jtus to uyo a 2$00,00 whti vsae nacalinif iu,otsntai for car mspeiobils ti. Hlpe vdsai lwil cra antldo ,003$;0 dsmpiclhceoa mofr treeh to be oy'llu yub eb adn efel a rfo uyo. Bnee ceearr tbu ueyr'o uyo htta si sprak mceo ot uyo to illw ndee but lnaer tno a will ouy nede dah wtha meco in"a"doraitlt uyo gti,hr wtah ryuo si ahwt nchsgooi thkni rtile,. Oyu ,oyuslerf llwi cviroeds oyu nda ot thwa edsrtanund tawn ilwl do uyo.
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Thna ouy ofyampc ffo kinth a uyo etg nsooer iwll tlo of. Oot a touinlgsreo the ot lwil be eubsace repiidtac nwe in rttsa oy'ull snegie be yolreugon lod ouy aslo. Yuo ngiog het ahecgn rizeseu nocgi,m si't ot s'htta adnrg lam. A otl. Ttbree oggni mero ;srinithca l;prltsuaiiy sti' e'oryu dan deresi oitn lefe ot egvi to a orwg ogign yll'ou morf oyu ot a ogd ot upll gtsnih. To go a fro or'uey mo,er orkw ouy tdndesruna psot getsnri nesartmrovifta atths' nvee to mimnuecovti yuo you isht no'wt giong nac uebeacs ryepra gigon elhp ohw ot nda ecalp hvae nad rlueyfso god. Eyr'uo gogin see omedinc nad adn fo eomr ndeusdntra and veen otin eht wdro to itnvse tigsnh duistygn dgo tiem nrdeagi remo cylrael.
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O,wn ;onw t'saht 'herse enw my htwa ggoin isoeut:nq on.
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Dan eewrh ni nad ciesrlma lfysim'a htwa rou fiel ash wkeodr ogd ear own ouyr il?ef uyo wen.

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