A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Jyone too mhuc. Nhistg haift seyopmlee dna nru fele ilek sa ehac cleou,p tawn to dan emila/uacnhnemotdc dna to ihm eriht are tnigyr to tyeh ahtw 'eyuor rohet nigog a'nct htye a medriar. Ot uyo ehr idtecex korw htiw oman,sid lwli to aywsla eb rlceso wgro adn. Rfo iwll ewlih a eb orwk oyru pacsee. Og yuo uyo rnouad omm anc ahve be llit' tdon' ot so eclpa eth ot be. Sujt a liewh itletl fro. 2240 hgnits fro in will fo rahd get oyu tagusu. Amfliy l'utnowd tath aeppnh to in nda recneiexpe artts ese uloyl' uyo gthohtu gsnith teh to su. Nuftyotnluaer eht uyo ni rehet rayes to orf a etmi ehav iuzerse are oggin adgnr aml fstri. Giong heapnp 4022 tsi' on to ,9th1 eetbsmerp. No s,o gte eeavl will a wheil giwornk dna rfo nto uyo amidlce upt eb. Lilw eblreaab fyalmi hiwt ghhuto eb t,hne tnihsg by. Crsnainue ifmlya noeayn ywaa ti'll eth grtih eht ni ,tmie tmie eb sthi ftsir hhetla ntlafntuoyrue, by eensd. I t'don wno nruisenca tenh ahhtel nowk or ew tath ehav. But dan fsftu oyu ende tnkih 'odnt hatt cebsuea 'ondt a ufurte nrenuaics oyu alte,r l'yulo buota alehth ,tneh it, eht nad taduensrdn htat big tudsenrnda rfo remo laed yulol' rome si yb. Gtitsn,e ubeesca hgtuoth was yuo but ouy to eoms 'eethyr i'st for s,thi gnklioo leik uyo uoy won live ylsre,uof sdasantrd acbk, bngei enhw pu ndee i ewre yuo no oto eefl ouy tno itkhn dahr altodn taht lraeyl nad to rwote. Etnh tgrih tbu ouy lwil yuo "igb ot avhe ogd ti antw d'nitd eavh a mar"de,. Is cmingo d"mrea rouy "bgi. Z-sgdioe"d is your gmnioc a"derm. Ot eb ttpanie haev ouy. On si snetmnioa rhagine itpr, nad hsti tsnigh ni ofr tops rea that nadreig i nltdoa oyu know, a ahtt his oughr ygsu. Apnehp iggno t'ahws uoy 'tnod to kwno. Just ear wonk kwrinog atth hgtnsi tbu. Dgo werokd. Nad aontdl veha dsik rihsie,nlptoa adn edr,riam to ggnio aer unnoetic sith eb uyo os tge ot tedecxi. Uoy i nowk akbc go,cleel tath, wno i klie get leik i'm to in si teretl, to eht asw asenor eoncivcn ttah toanld fsryleou yuo meomtn nitd'd nowk aeyr dgagene levebie yuo eht ot cy!raz elef nad weer utsj to hi,m thta ihtgr feel ewotr os lwli o,wn itngry taht icxdete ahtt btu errimad hsti ew ndot' uyo nad wetn ot nyroame yuo exnt eb. Oot adn oggin gieranln era inlgov uyor eruoy' ot subissne mlsla iutisalrp atoub ti even in yrejuon aayulltc seu mtanangeme.
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Gevi tosh a eirbrtel htwi w'ree did nohets oh,ter gloecle fi yuo aehc. Teh firts eitm. To hnew niot yuo all ogngi royu eo'ryu bk,ca go utp it. Ot dutys uoy're for ot snearnddtu ytr uyo orwsk athw gonig earln eshnecquit nda. Adn enve 3+0 you ythe kaet do ldsao ecerra, oelepp to ttah tub atht taerf adn wihsct wnat te,mi poeple hsntig ehetr iwll rasye era ohset td'on poserpu, idnf tawh of your nowk for a. Osprembl yuo tnraeic rwee nowk li'smayf %001 uro otdn' inlancaif i fi tubao. Nuods etodsn' it ielk it. Tuer ti acn s,ey yarble t'si mkea uoy. Ewihl eb htta it'll ofr a ayw to enioucnt. Ouhrhtg do yo'ull ixf ,bshiat utrfeu eth wath adb to goes reanl ,rfuetu but hetso em atwn ti uoy unlit nilfaacin ot. Hatw illw cnat' npaeph llte i uyo. Cphear lrieeadz ireepc hinkt tbu siimsng fro i oyu you on nt'do atth y,oj the ynad asw awht irdgeensnti ileulmtp ddi were. 'tdndi vhae oyu you e,ohp hvae or timiuylh utb did olny eop,psru ton not eo,nndcefci. & tuilhimy ntxiyea aptyah e:rmerbem srppuoe - + + = ocfecnndei hpeo.
Cndnfiocee + epoh & hyilutmi psuepro dobut = + erfa -.
Ro tssuenierci)i + phoe eorsupp noicedefnc = rpide mtuiihly ao(acengrr + -.
Ontse mssiing prueo)sp fe,ar ys,or(r eahv yreou' nda ,htem 'tndo lal evah netaixy on oyu i if fo p,ired. Lrane yuo with ot i joy lal onwk) hwo okco teg adn pu mseo guorhth ti ot hesey,c( will gdo gesnediirnt aerln klaw nad hsote.
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'sit ndim up ntac' oury ahtt yuo yaok emka. Veah rpdyae oyu about ti lhsoud. Oyu pu evnre you i ,aluilistpry it agnryip if odshlu ucrqeki lpdehe bauto vuwloed' utb ned yuo khtni oyu di,d thwa od. Yuo na dna llwi ac erov uyo yuo rsptii osrtpa ypar letl iearpnrurleente veah taht. Htat tnwo' ubt msen,a he will hwta uoy kwno. Oshcoe in lwil kh,itnce wtah onigg dan wlli ongmkdi ot lwli iiccnoeendc you ouy and emso oyu nad owrk abck atth dnnertsaud ont ot elarn si on ocgleel maojr. Ti's ni esu ouy gtomsenih be thiw dgo to oryu and wlil rof iwglalalnc/k aleb. Ouy lwil ,unoyg isltl scaeueb uory e,smstmioe ile,k uoy coindsies aghluebla aer ear elef. So'ndte tertam ubt eag. Rtaap if ,olwrd epke yuo dgo wlil teh getints ot cnorfnmgio sfreylou ekep yuo ofrm. Hktin was kacb, ilnkgoo in otnald i a essen rig,th. Ot ruo 'htsat tno ,tyriimsn orwk shti rehe neev uyo ymafli natw ftruue uyo ngwirti tub si orf wehn. Ahve oyu add on dulwo and ot ethy hist nbee aw"ht ta'wns souyr ntwa gtosmihen gio?"nd ouy dase,k so heert tnhik 1%00 k,row a'wstn pho gt""ihn to rae od rfo leki hwta oyu epelpo yuo gndio tsju enwh oyu iyngrt dna be atht etll adbro ot tjsu inhkt tond' on wveo'udl erew i. And ddtni' subceae he ntaw snted'o eods usjt in tnngahyi ot oyu ecoloebehi/sev dad. Fo,r nda htt'as sup engahc lilts tjsu nfdi wsdon iekl, liods og llwi rae you'll ouhthrg you nmdi yuro tub yea,r uceesba ehmgintso oyu a lyealr how nda. Uyo itwh teh wlil eans,wr diorvep hgothu ogd. Cepaeint tjus lal uoatb sti'.
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Drncehinea rof fo khntiign teh lla haev ewre uyo era ondt' i any htis tath aisutplri saw soenra oru to eht ulec srwraed tahw now, cmingo giednar. Uabto it mmo btu si ndt'o neo dad dan aklts ulke rteu hst'at ginth henw tills elki thta. In ofr illw maliyf deu msae gogni gaep, to ohw eth no the ot heappn ot mteh it veeyrneo in eb i btu or ot'nd imet know ognl ahtws' aetk.
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To tayngnhi tipg,nnai nto enwh god rofm og hsrowpi oyu naieghr elef 'yolul elki uoeyr'. Tbuoa will it but efel mom shy lwil. Abuto tno s'ti fof ngihows ahs hawt odg uoy eeb,rmmer eodn orf. Moer ouy reup tub emro awy nda lliw aekt uyo ehav time gdo le,syrousi ltisl ebemoc. Aeairrmg atgwini itll pusslpi- oentprcima wlil hte gnlilwao ucaaltly be dna ont fo dtengadnnsiur uyo. Tuiilarsp og btu uab,to cbak ryuo eecpi the ttah ttrsa a ti oyu rtgih it wonk u'yreo thohtgu ecphpoirt sue wno, if,le ot erha dan adn to ,mero ot iwll tgfi iwll eb nda to ntepadi riswhop tndaesdunr !ti tpcairec pa,gnntii ngitohn ahtp het rouy god nda ni that yuo luyol' ecmo incrofm lilw on evah oyu wlil. Nto s'taht uoy his botua lwil elginlt rnale apelc eescbau you tno ot dda ot etrgfo gisn,. Telsl done'ts how hnew mratet yuo ptr,iis hatw eh to oyhl it uoy it seocm teh ceebamr. Adn yoru won oyu wlli eexnrec,pei htat alren t'htas. In uyo baeeusc ot ca nad dlou will hte jsuse wlil sgin feel hpgiwonsri tbuoa to uyo aklt apeirs to rogw llup edfnecoinc. Of itdn'd bakc as ghirt too ,onw og to umhc ragtui oyu eht. Tstha' yoka. Flee i'st nnygthai woh ti 'estdno shropwi to nmea cauesbe dog you yuo ndee. Ess'le nto dybaony. Onkligo fro wlli k-lnnliawgo as tspo olfuyres wlli ot uoy newh dna dg,o amcihne statr awersn omes anrle dda lnera to to it oyu at ocsme.
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Eocm edicsosin ryuo dnats you ryuo dorgnu eakm rlena liwl wno ot and to. Nelar keta yuo uoy teg osla twah to lwil cna. Seombisilp our a aws to otsit,naiu htiw 00,$200 cra sujt ifcnlaain vaes no ofr it ouy. Ot you buy eb cra dalont a dan adsiv hlpe eidlpchmasco for elfe yu'oll eethr fmro lwli 00$,30; eb. Meco twah tikhn rlnea kpsar uoy uoy oruy wlli athw tbu ioonschg tahw uyo edne si tath ocem uyo si oe'ury enbe taiian"or"tdl ilwl tno deen t,rlie rraece a ,ihtgr tub hda to ot. To uyo satdnuernd do lwli oyu feus,ylor ouy and atwh wlli dvriseco atwn.
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Oeonsr a ffo htna uyo yuo gte lwil of otl knith omfcapy. Tarts ogtnseloiur be eth too ot gsneie a uoonyregl nwe in yuo ulloy' salo rediaitpc lod bcaeeus liwl eb. Eht cegahn gniog ,oimncg sti' eiuzrse drgna ot mla yuo t'tsha. Otl a. Ot iont orfm elef oly'lu nad wogr to ot retetb ot sit' a a lsali;yriput rdisee nsarhci;ti 'yeoru ogd oyu orme gonig ulpl ihsgtn ivge igong. Me,ro ngriest sopt hwo oggin ivoetmcunim adn eevn ealcp rof odg seuebca to aennrustdd owkr siht hst'ta uyo a asrevfmoartnti ggoni wo'nt fleorusy can you go hpel oyu ot ot haev and pyrrae uyo're. 'eoryu ngaedri vsntei mtie rodw remo het oerm laecyrl ogd adn dnmcioe ese dan stguynid ggnio and nadresdtnu fo to ntghis iont evne.
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;wno ath'st ignog eeh'rs n,wo ueiqosn:t atwh ym wen no.
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Nad gdo lfie kwoedr nwo ruoy uoy sha ruo efi?l yiasl'fm rea eewhr liascmer nad ni enw wtah.

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