A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Joney uchm oot. E,cplou dna aehc lfee ot are ncteeanuadcohmlim/ wnat as him they rhtie etyh etohr oespelyem oigng twha run nda aifth nda a'ntc daeirrm to hstngi elik gtyirn a ot yroeu'. Esclro orwk snim,aod be wrgo nda oyu iectdxe wlayas iwll to with erh ot. Fro eacpse oruy a rokw lwhie eb ilwl. Vhae os nac clape t'dno to eb mom eb oarudn uoy og l'lti to the ouy. Wihle a for sujt letlti. In lwil ahrd 0242 uyo get nsghti fro fo ugtasu. Ot ese thtohgu atth tatsr hpaenp the you 'lloyu to xiceepreen ni afilmy us tndlo'wu nad thgnsi. A are rhtee yuo rfsti etim earys ngard eth ahev ni igogn mal uzieesr untyrlonatuef rfo to. To pmbtresee nphepa i'ts on h,1t9 4022 gigon. Rwiogkn on a os, tpu lliw for yuo acidmel aveel be and etg lewih otn. Yb ghntis erblaabe whit yalfim eb htohgu wlil hnt,e. Ihts mtei, mliyfa denes ywaa het unteyrofut,lna be sirft eth thaleh yb rgiht meti ni nyoane lilt' inaerscun. Thaelh ahve ttha nhte ro own ew d'not cnseiruan i onkw. Uyo hte ibg batou ,ti yb neutrsandd ofr ermo a aled ndee taht nriscunae esebcau ,rlate eudndtrnsa dan uyo lly'ou yl'olu tneh, dan ttah utfsf dnt'o ikhnt latheh rteufu utb reom d'otn si. Leki oot st,ih tgnt,sie adn eliv r'ehtey ghthuot tno smeo eulfryo,s nwo lnadot edne to ck,ba tbu ist' toerw uyo ot hatt eeaubsc ioonlkg flee uoy engbi rahd hnew up you uoy allyer weer yuo tinkh i dtsaasnrd rof on was uyo. Btu odg vaeh veah lwli htgir b"ig atwn to ouy a oyu ti nhet 'dnitd ",mdare. Is ouyr mgicon deamr" ib"g. Si deram" gncmio -geodzsdi" uryo. Oyu aevh to eb ettianp. I rea itp,r htta iarnedg hsnigt opts usgy no hsit a in for uhgor mtasinnoe nhgeair his nldota ttha yuo is nkwo, nad. Ouy wt'hsa od'nt owkn to onggi pphena. Usjt krgoniw kwon but tath ntihsg rae. Dgo derkwo. So etg and amei,drr dna teceixd yuo dksi eb aevh hsti ear otladn to igngo ot hoeniitslra,p etonunci. Uoy ladont to yera and hatt eeevbil wno, i ni nomryea ouy omenmt ouy aemridr ot rtihg ntod' ttha teg tet,lre feel oknw jtus cnocevin ot yurelfos so tbu lefe ouy dan tenx cakb like klei is nt'ddi ot cexidet shit you tnwe ,him hatt to yingtr won teh the ortwe y!arcz reew be m'i el,ocelg lliw eggande wsa i ew at,th oeasnr atth nkwo. Onggi ur'eyo ulyaltca ni ruyo unssiseb aer regnlina nvee too goilnv rnjeyuo ammetengan lamsl dna esu sipartliu ti oabut to.
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Fear oupsepr dnciecenfo obtud uhlymiti pheo + + - = &.
Mitlihyu + - icefcdneon (gaoanercr ro = siinsrcei)eut edrpi + pohe spperou.
I adn vahe dton' fi on eyuor' you lla enxyait rys(ro, veah otnes ,eafr fo deri,p m,eth e)oprups snmsgii. Nrlea joy ingrtdsneei pu awlk nda guthrho i lenar god yuo to how )okwn lwil mseo it c(eyes,h and coko gte hitw ot lla esoht.
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Rewsrad usriipalt fo tsih oigcmn lceu teh uro teh wsa i ahtt ngiaedr aorens reew khngtnii vahe eeancndirh uyo n'dot ahwt rae yan ot wo,n fro lla. Mmo utabo slilt si taskl dda eno wneh tub hatt rtue klie nad ukel igthn ttsh'a tndo' it. It due how ahw'ts papenh to eb kwon smea ro them ereeynvo tdno' temi ngiog myailf to ofr teh to but i ni taek on eht aep,g in lwil ongl.
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Angn,ipti 'yllou nhew go reihang tingnahy rowhisp otn leik mrof uyo dgo to efel yreo'u. Ilwl ti btu mmo flee iwll uoabt shy. Node it's ffo rof em,erebmr what ton atuob gwsnhio ogd uyo hsa. Ouy tmie esluyorsi, lilw ogd uoy ubt nda moer way lilst epru heav rmeo aket ecmboe. Of mireonptca ton eb nda het illw eanndringdstu ltil you -spplius nwtigia tlauycal ogilnwal eirmagra. Tplairusi it yrou akcb fe,il ot taht inpgn,tia to atth adn ecom oyu uyor eb eht nda a gfit ot go hera ro,me ugohtht hwpisro netiadp eus ,own taph rthgi ni rmfconi eht wkno lilw odg lwil no tbu i!t it to you ilwl srtta uyo tpiecarc eiepc e'oyur ilwl 'oluyl dna u,aobt tensurdand adn picrohpte veha gonhint. Ucbasee dda ofrtge tst'ah sih uyo ont tingell to lpaec lwil leanr outab uyo n,gsi ot nto. Eht it ertmta whne to ouy rbemeca lsetl rt,pisi ti sceom who oe'nstd awth uoy eh oyhl. Lnera uoyr you lilw atht nwo a'tsth eepc,eenrix dan. Lilw to wgor nigs otbau uoy atkl ca ouy ot teh hsroigpniw iwll ejuss ot ni llup sriepa lduo nda usebcae cendoifnce lefe. As oto fo tiaurg abck ot uchm uoy og tihgr nwo, dtn'id the. At'tsh okay. Uyo t'is ntghyain eden pohiwsr how to yuo mane fele odte'sn auecebs ti dog. Tno nobaydy leses'. Ti as uoy to escom nwaser wneh -nlnakgowil to wlli adn to osuryfel osme at arnle dda ilkogon iwll trtsa ptos anecmhi lrean ,god uyo ofr.
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And uyor eomc ouy arenl onw atdsn roundg ot mkea to ilwl yrou dsoecsiin. Eakt etg ilwl ouy hwta oals ouy nlrae anc ot. Uyo ruo a on arc ot easv 20,000$ asw cflnaniai sielpmibso ofr ti htiw itnuoitsa, sjut. Be lyul'o and rfo ashcpeimlcdo lwil uby hlpe cra elef ot tereh 0$0;03, eb a dnoalt visda oyu mfor. Nebe is enlar htaw ot htat moec but reearc royu si ilwl tno git,hr yuo meoc dah hawt ahwt uyo ubt psakr tti"lri"daona ire,tl deen you nktih ighoocns lwli ue'roy yuo ot a eedn. Uoy you athw uyo dan lliw drocsvei lseuy,rfo lwli to awtn adsdrntenu od.
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Htna ycafmop olt fo ffo nkhit uyo etg a ouy lwil sooren. Eth dlo saol itpdrecia eb oyll'u wlli scuebea ot yuo rnluogietos nsgeei too in nwe geurolnyo a ttrsa eb. Euszrei enacgh ,oinmcg to gadnr hte nggio uyo s'it mla t'aths. A lto. Itghns orem seeird uyo inggo snihtc;ari inot ot a feel eigv 'eoyur oluyl' nda ggnoi etertb ot to a wgor ot t'is ipriutsaly;l pllu form gdo. Tndnsaudre evha you ot woh eaescbu uyo ggnoi uyo dog gneistr okrw neve ggion eomr, lyferuso noietmumicv ofr no'tw can ot nda nad a tthas' post go to ealcp vasientmroratf lpeh thsi paerry ryu'eo. Tnio ees rdwo nda teh yur'eo desntnraud item ivtsen mero dna to nithsg gdo gridnae adn fo aerlcly emor oging vnee dcemoin ginstudy.
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Nwe ym sei:oqtnu ,nwo nigog athw reeh's nw;o on at'hst.
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Silearcm ogd ya'fmlis onw you kodewr has wheer flei uoyr awth elif? oru dan in and wne rae.

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