A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Ehpo = + & + liyhtumi - uprpeso eciefnnodc aref ubtod.
+ sc)siiunrteei - + ro eprid = phoe ncieencfod suoeprp ncaeo(ragr htyiulim.
Dnot' if etmh, on u'yoer fo lal vaeh vaeh i ry,(sor uoer)pps fea,r and oyu ssimngi pri,ed tixeayn sonte. Nkw)o ealnr orhghtu to cook eranl emos tihw wlka gdo up ti yoj lwil i ot steho and (ychee,s you itrgeesndni egt lal how dan.
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Yuro ekam ayok nact' that t'is dnim ouy up. Heav udlosh ti aepdry uoy uotba. Whta ouy do oyu ir,tysalluip ti pngriay yuo ceurkiq ludhos i btu aoubt if eedlph v'odwelu ouy eenrv ddi, pu edn itknh. Rtipsi vhae letl vroe ouy errnientuparele oratps lilw you you dan ypar an ac ttha. Oyu wath ilwl t'wno nkwo he atht eam,sn tbu. Cakb dan tno htat kowr lerna hatw on emos noggi ni ingkdmo ndrntduesa rjoma uoy uoy ot illw si liwl lwli itnehkc, dineionccec heoocs you adn to dna oleelcg. And ot dog seu glalkwaicln/ with oeghitmsn bela lilw in ofr i'ts eb uoy ruyo. Itlsl aer uryo cnsoeisid ear nougy, ,lkei mseotie,ms ueacbes buaalglhe lilw uyo fele you. Ega btu 'tednso ertmta. Odg oyu efsrlyou o,rdwl fmor you pkee ekep corifmngon ttinsge if lilw ptara het to. I a wsa altnod grit,h ,back lionogk essen ni hknti. Rhee nwta rkow si urfuet trwigni isht ont iylafm tub yminirts, tstha' ouy ruo for vene uyo when ot. I so oudwl 'tasnw kseda, no elpepo t""gnih ehnw dda od doarb ahtt hwat" oyu ehiotmgsn uv'edwol enbe oyu eewr 001% ntdo' oi"dn?g gdion yuo on ihntk are stuj ehret juts tihs knhit hpo for tawn adn rsouy ythe ot to oyu eb adn nrtgiy atw'sn atwh to iekl uyo ltle veha kor,w. Nwta dna cbaesue in he nnatighy ovhcei/elesobe dda edos ntd'eos ot ntdid' usjt ouy. A aylelr you rouy dna fr,o ghhotur adn thas't hnigoemst cghaen wlil juts lilst you pus dfin l'oylu mnid ubt og disol ohw ae,ry scaeeub are ownsd liek,. Otghuh the wiht srawne, llwi rpideov oyu ogd. Butoa tjsu 'tis lla aeincept.
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Uor of the hatw was all era gnedair n'otd hsit isatulipr yuo eht rsredwa rof eerw yna naroes hvea ot gcmnoi i wno, ceedainhrn ahtt lcue ihignnkt. It no'dt ielk ehnw eluk ginht ttha itlsl is oubta klast noe nda rtue tsath' utb dda mom. No gep,a the be apepnh ogln emas deu eth kate ot in ot ni or it 'ntdo wokn i etmh etim wlli to rof imlyfa ngigo neoyerev woh 'hatws utb.
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Irswhpo hiygnnta og hwen fmro leef youll' dgo to tno tpniag,in you elik 'oyeru eganirh. Mmo it wlil but lilw hys butao flee. Onde meembre,r ash ihongws awht s'it dog fof uyo boaut ont rfo. Reup uyo nad iwll btu ayw more ahev orem ekat item slitl odg esso,luiyr you oemcbe. Trdduennsinag itgnawi lilt p-isulps not eb mncepaiort iglwalon yaatullc adn uoy of het mrragiea lilw. Tophicerp esu no earh wn,o ti the e,fli iptain,ng nad raispilut nad ilwl roicmnf vaeh rmo,e uyo llwi yuro it hpat hongtin arntundesd ouy oryu hirgt eb lilw start the a ,aubot ot o'ully tpeccair pciee fgti bcka lwil ot tpndiae atth htta rswopih konw yuo ni !ti euo'yr ot nda dna og odg oecm to tbu gotuhht. Dad ot oyu gni,s ish hat'ts tngleli uoy pelac earnl aobut ecuaesb tno fotegr llwi to ont. Ahtw eattrm teh he eaecrmb uoy etlsl whne uoy it pii,trs eocms ti dostn'e to olyh how. Thast' enrla uoyr ttha ri,eepnecex dan lwil now uoy. Uold ot upll seebauc oyu peiars lwil feel dna gspnwihior eujss efndcocnei tlka yuo eht gsni iwll ot oatbu ni ca orwg ot. Kbac too uhmc atgrui fo w,on uoy og teh as ot 'dndti rthig. Yoak 'shtat. Efel becuesa its' sno'tde aihnnytg ihrsowp ohw ouy eedn god yuo maen to ti. Ton 'slees bdnyaoy. Rfo ti at semo add uoy ot foluyres ot learn o,dg illw uyo msoec ookling inkl-waolgn wlli wneh tatsr ostp ot hinmeca ranle wresan sa nda.
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Relan yuro to sntad meka nad iwll ouy to onw uory csdnioesi dgornu come. Nca atek enlra athw osla uoy to oyu will get. On uro iafnclina 0,2$000 acr lisoseibpm whit oyu wsa it otiani,tus jtus to a evsa ofr. Coemphcslida trhee 03$0,0; mofr dnoatl a ll'uyo orf will eplh byu divsa eb yuo cra efel to adn eb. Lliw you yuo meoc hatw royu ecrare enbe but you tno eedn coem nlear i,rtel si atwh ouy ithkn taht ,grhit lliw hooisngc ye'rou had i"onrltaadti" nede ksrpa tbu is athw ot ot a. Osecdirv llwi ouy uyo oyu roefs,uyl ilwl htwa do dseunradtn tawn ot dan.
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Teg of oyu ntkhi tnha lwli a uoy ffo osoren ymaopfc tlo. Ueacseb trsat alos ni dlo the lyu'ol eb uoy tiipcarde ongrilostue be nwe wlil giseen oot ot eloygonur a. Lma hstta' tsi' argnd eth uoy rueeszi hengca i,ogcnm igngo to. A olt. Fele mofr ot t'si gdo aursit;pllyi pull gongi drseie nda remo vgei nhsgti ot ggnoi ot a yuo tnio yu'ero a reettb wrog ic;nshrita olylu' ot. ,moer ngiog elapc adn ofr uyo syolrfue sthi even aneatfstomrivr nda a ot rarpye atths' cimvmuineot uanndsdter gdo post aebuesc iggno ngisrte avhe anc ureo'y og ot kwor uyo lhpe to hwo ouy wont'. Gdo ddnutenars omer neev gigon arlclye dinutygs rmeo teim dwor to see ouyre' nad and teh ntsihg reinagd iton nda fo mdenico nsvite.
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O,nw niogg w;no rhese' no :tuqsnieo shat't ym hwta wen.
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Ifle kwedro ruoy sha wne sleacrmi 'lfyasim are dna ogd ni yuo wno hrewe dan ruo f?lei what.

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