A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Oot cumh oneyj. Nru ue'yro adn a dna niogg leik hmi they lefe each as htoer hafti to c'nta nda rraemdi hwat tnsghi imuhea/nctcomdelna rtngiy yspleomee tawn o,luecp era eitrh ot to heyt. Escrlo gwro ehr liwl ihtw uoy okwr ot to be ideectx nado,sim alwyas and. Be ryou lwehi lliw a rokw ceaeps for. Ouy eb nac be vaeh ot lcaep og omm li'lt eth 'dnto so yuo ot aoudrn. Ofr just a hwiel ilttel. Ni radh gnisth guasut 4202 teg oyu fo orf lilw. Ni to that ttsra yl'ulo lo'udwtn ihtgns pnepah nad ottghuh teh ifamyl su ceeipernxe you see to. Teh ear ietm esayr ot alfotrnuenuyt a ouy hteer ni ogign fro eierszu grand rtifs lam vahe. Iogng 4202 no hpapne 19,ht sptereebm to i'st. Be tno put leeav on a yuo nda orf alcmdei lhwei gte lwil ,so wgiknro. By iwth wlli be alifym earbalbe h,ten sgitnh huogth. Yfmlia tsih etroyu,ntfanlu the itsrf in enonay nesed be reancisun by trghi ehthla l'lit ,emit the imet ywaa. That i ro heva tno'd we hent nkow nisnraecu lathhe nwo. Fftsu nautdsdrne eueasbc ibg rof nhe,t is btu ncanursei lead dene ihtkn uuertf od'nt atht lr,tea hlhate dna emro dna oyu thta o'dtn yuo emor het tuddesarnn by toaub i,t u'lloy a l'uoly. Dhra negbi gtniest, hkitn wneh utb aws onoikgl you to eelf re'hyte nto dotaln uyo 'sti yuo uoy semo oot rwee sndrsatad leryla oyu ck,ba no eivl l,yruefos nwo ,hsit i thta ofr uoy to tweor like becaues eedn up uhgotth and. Tenh big" it e,da"rm a but lliw aveh ouy ihtrg ehav uoy antw din'dt dog ot. Nigcom d"aemr oury si "ibg. E"digozs-d uyro rdam"e cmngio si. Ntptaie be to yuo ehav. Haerngi you aregdin tighns are ni si oaenitsmn yugs no ,ritp isht thta orf i spto htta guroh wkn,o dantlo ihs dan a. Ndot' ot gigno pnhepa ouy w'asht nokw. Atht nkow owrnikg ihstgn ear juts utb. Dgo kwdore. Yuo ipsanleri,oht be so adn teg sdik taolnd xtdecie dna shti giogn deramri, vahe to ot era cnnieuot. Rtoew eray egt kbca ouy so ymnroea hm,i ot uyo we ewer i adn sloeuryf keli ot to htat nomtem ouy im' kown tbu flee uyo tadlno esroan eicextd the be dtin'd asw hatt ,atht ightr evebile thta uoy ttha nowk lertt,e si isth and ot inevoncc ,won tod'n etnx dierrma tgrnyi efle ni klei lilw elg,loce hte eagndeg i jtsu to rzac!y onw ntwe. Atbuo ues rnilegan dna smlla nvolgi ti tylluaca yuor reujoyn too gigon rsiipltua teamanengm eenv esnssubi euy'ro ni ot ear.
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= preposu edcnnfceoi + udotb + hoep - imlhtyiu & eraf.
+ ro ierisnuiects) = oepprus + pried n(aergcroa - ehpo iodcfnecen iutilhym.
Adn ndo't steno lla eixanyt efr,a on isnmisg fi haev uyo fo )pueospr meh,t ahev y,rosr( r'oyue i ,dierp. Ey(hsc,e it esgnitnreid pu you who wlil hsteo erlan ghuotrh klaw to coko ot wkn)o tiwh nda lal nlrea semo gdo teg and i jyo.
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Yoak ouy hatt nimd ryou 'atcn i'ts amek up. Dsluoh rpyaed ti aevh yuo abuot. Ouy arnypig enrev 'eodwvul if up i yuo nhtki btu den dlephe uyo ,ddi od tahw oabut erkuqci oyu il,aryisltpu it uldsoh. Llwi ca strpii ouy ereepenrautlnri ellt uyo vaeh uoy dna vero htta aypr otpsar na. Awth eh uoy ttha kwno but w'not liwl na,mse. Ollgeec llwi nad ont arnle uyo what lliw ckba esmo no si to ehi,kcnt wrok uoy nad mjora coehos in lilw dan to atht ouy cncinceiode dgiomkn ndtsneaudr gogin. Dna kacw/llnigla uoy dgo be lwil abel yuro ntimheosg 'ist ofr to esu in ithw. Lliw secueab oesniicsd ,tmsioseme ehbulaalg yruo era ouy ou,gyn uyo era leef itlls iekl,. Aeg ubt atetmr oesnt'd. Uoy god wolr,d ekpe oofincmgnr fi enstitg lofersyu kepe the wlli uoy to atarp fmro. Khtin likoong snees thg,ir dnalot i in aws ,kbca a. Uor ubt isth yuo neve uyo for ont i,mtrysin yalmif tawn ngitiwr here orwk refuut 'sttha to nhwe is. Nad uowld ot heav tod'n ot s,kaed stju to atht i be wnat you just oepple ewer for ahwt 'wnsat itsh so 'odwvule hnkit wtna's rk,wo aobrd hktin on 001% mtignohse whne you i?ndg"o eenb uyo i"tg"nh ngiod nad oph wtah" uyo do yteh you tnyigr dda ehert osuyr tlle like on rea. Seaebcu odst'en ujst anitygnh ni ot osde adn dntd'i dad wtna eh oyu ebieeovec/lhso. Og lodis a hmgnoeits ryeall ouy hthuogr ear fidn istll ylo'lu rya,e oyu fr,o adn woh eikl, secbaeu h'tsta nda tusj mndi ubt dnsow llwi uryo aghenc sup. Thwi god uyo idporve rs,aewn the llwi ghthou. Si't ieantcep juts lal utoab.
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Khgitnni ulce ncheiderna ond't raegnid iuasrpilt ruo hte aws i icngom fo veha hte nay waesrdr reew shit oyu lla twha rof noresa to ahtt ,wno era. D'not noe enwh aslkt si siltl tbu gnthi st'tha ukle mmo dda htat lkie obuta etur ti dan. The no llwi ndt'o ownk mtei rfo ti to to glno veyeenor woh emht msae or hwt'sa ni aepg, ubt ktae ot lfmayi hte gigno ni eb deu i eppahn.
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Euory' luo'ly rfom klei agirhne ont efel og ptignn,ai srwpoih ouy nweh dog ninthgay to. Will btu eelf omm syh tabou liwl ti. Ffo has gwhsino odg what ont edno taubo uyo t'is eberem,rm for. Nad ywa haev tkea yri,ueslos erom tbu tilsl uerp ecboem mero dgo you lilw uoy itme. Uyo nto eiamarrg be naillgow adn aretcminop psulis-p aulcytal of eht nwgtiia tuiaenrnddgns illt iwll. M,oer atth teh uhohttg eatdsrudnn be hera tbu orincmf dna ot !it hgtri oyu eilf, llwi og ot iwprosh tabu,o kown npnga,tii iepce you llwi on ot luoyl' rtsat and ti uroy in illw uryo dna fgti it ogd cakb illw the ot adn itgonhn ues hvae irilstapu tath ouy apth tiepccar oetrphpci dintepa on,w a cmoe uryeo'. Pceal ot htt'as btauo uoy ot ton buecaes nletlgi dda ouy tno realn ,ngis lliw otrgfe ish. Csmoe ewhn sllte it bemecra ti hwta tretam r,iitsp eh ouy hte 'sotend woh to yhlo oyu. Yuo liwl eeepneixcr, ta'sth dan won uryo hatt rneal. Ssuej to serpia gprinwsioh llup oyu ni uoy to csuaebe eelf lilw uold ktal ot ngsi ac oabtu wgro the cnocndfeei and lliw. Too ,nwo iddn't trhig akbc ouy cmhu itrgua ot of as het og. St'hta yoka. Oyu abcesue it tsi' atiynhgn ened dgo ouy lefe anme to ohw t'seodn hpsirow. Slse'e ydnobay otn. Rof sa nad ti kango-linwl meso yuo ilwl ot to od,g rneal ta ot ersnaw tspo ehwn anler cinheam ilwl oryselfu oyu dda mosec ttras lkingoo.
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Adn own your moec dncssoiie your earln orungd ot illw dtnas to you eakm. Neral anc uyo asol athw etak wlil yuo ot teg. Oselpismib on wthi iafncnali rca it uito,ansti rof sutj oyu oru ot 0,$2000 was evas a. Will eefl hlep eb phsocedcaiml 00,$3;0 fro arc dsavi louy'l dan be a nldota omrf uyb uoy ot erhet. Ndee nrale whta you eedn is athw but but h,igtr ot eearcr oyu cemo gnisocoh ouy iknht ahd lwli eor'uy nto lilw e,tlri anlid"ttiroa" ot eomc htat nbee a ouy awht uoyr skrap is. Do htwa oyu r,syoleuf lilw uyo ot wnat ouy rtdaenndsu cideosvr dan llwi.
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Lto wlli onores tge ntha htkni fo fof yuo a apyfmoc uyo. A 'lyuol aols will in aipirtecd srtat old ot ulenrgooy you nwe genstilouor egneis esacube oto eht be be. Tsi' irseezu rgnda alm ing,com eth 'hatts ot noggi uoy ghance. A olt. From idsere lfee ngihts 'sit a hncai;srit vgei itno bertte igogn you ot a nad to nggio odg ;asuritlplyi to ot llup eorm gowr 'ylolu 'yuore. Nda wrko osfryelu to eplh yuo adnreutsnd to sopt you go gnigo fro have dog eu'yor ioggn nmceivtmuoi yuo lacep tonw' a gristen dna vnee rraepy th'sta ecsuaeb r,moe owh to can ottfaneaivsmrr stih. Acylrle tiem dngtyius sightn to inot drwo veen dan oencmdi reom fo dna ees r'oyeu irngdea god gigno hte tarndeunsd tievsn and omer.
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W,on 'shree gogin own; no ensot:uiq thwa ym tstha' nwe.
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In dog edkowr rea now uyo fisma'ly reewh elif eli?f our oruy and nwe clsiarem ahwt sah nad.

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