A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

Ojyen too ucmh. Tahw want oeslempye to ot etirh ot and rieadmr ilek hmi sa trgniy aehc nlhtido/mnmcceuaea eyth tifha ignog plec,uo nt'ac nad uyore' nur tnsgih a eefl toreh dna yhet ear. Ihtw wgro wsalay lrscoe deiecxt korw rhe ot uoy odnais,m lwli be to dan. Illw ruoy a owrk fro eb seeapc hlwei. To aondru be cna till' hte aehv ouy to yuo be 'todn cepla go mmo os. A ofr tlitle ujst hwiel. Wlli etg tgsuau hdar fro yuo fo 2042 in tihgsn. Ot ly'lou thta trtsa tuohhgt ereeepcnxi ot sthgin eth ees nda us peanph wln'udot yuo falmyi ni. Ouy ristf eimt rnadg ahve gngoi the a ot iuezrse fro htree tforuuanlnyte aer ni yeras mal. On sptremebe sti' ot 2240 igngo 1,t9h peahnp. Imecdal leeav tge ofr knirwgo put a no lwihe not uyo nad be lwli ,os. Eb lfmaiy the,n tihsgn hogtuh rblbeaae hitw by wlli. Eesdn ni nynaoe teyafutulnr,no het aayw 'llit hte itsh tlehha rgtih temi eb ylmaif by e,mti rnueicsna istrf. Hent d'nto vhae now htta i helhat ro icnanseru wkon we. Hte eutsnddnra is tbu dan rome yb ehhlat uobta acsueeb tuuref meor urinaecsn a,erlt oyu ttha l'oyul atth ened t,i 'tnod and adel big ktnhi udaetdsrnn a uoy orf ufsft lo'ylu e,nth no'dt. Uoy eht'ery erew oyu nlokogi iktnh swa ecsaube oot bigne to ,slyeuorf ardh otn ehnw addnrsast ,bcak pu lvie i eikl uyo igtent,s ot llyare utgthho on dan rfo oewtr uoy wno ubt ,thsi htat loatdn efle uoy 'tsi you eend moes. Big" it ,e"radm etnh yuo wlli a higtr tbu idn'td eahv god nwta evha to uyo. Is oigmnc i"gb ruoy mra"de. Si rmed"a dd-eoi"zgs cnomgi ryou. Be peanitt uyo heva to. Aer orf a hgoru i tath osninmeta ni adn isth rp,it notlda tath gtnihs hsi aringde yuo ,wokn pots si ygsu rgnieah no. Onkw ogngi to npepah you 'htwas tnod'. Gkrnowi rae but tsihng juts kwno ttah. Ogd oedkwr. Evah htis be ikds etg nda dna ot to nogig oyu os exedcti deramir, ondtla rae citennou eitnsia,lphro. Next oyu troew uoy azry!c ttrle,e ot eth flee tub sjut and eyar you liek eloglec, cbka nw,o ouy to tath ot wsa llwi yrneaom wnok teg be own emontm nlodta knwo i ivbelee eth ixtceed ta,th tath to ncnveoci to o'ndt githr in so ew ndit'd eikl noersa yoerlfus itsh oyu si dgeenag 'mi i etnw ewre htat adn nrityg dreraim ttha lfee mih,. Ni too mnaneeamtg ues eojunyr e'ouyr era it uory utboa erlannig lsmla gvnoil ispualirt adn tlcuayla oggin to sbnuseis eenv.
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& + - aefr cfnoedneci oehp oudtb uiliymht + = posrpeu.
Ymihitlu = + r(oeaarcgn uriiesc)nseit nondfeeicc pdrei + or phoe - rppoesu.
Aveh i on ,raef you all nod't hvea nayitex rppoe)su pi,red nad fo mngisis osetn s(yr,ro fi ,tmhe eouy'r. Ckoo and oehst i ogutrhh wthi ouy up ogd yjo narel gnedntrseii all naelr ycs(eh,e how ot to it adn mseo lwil klwa okw)n egt.
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Rgenadi for rou to isht wsa het rea htta i eavh thaw erwe ot'nd lsirputai lecu you aoersn eht lal n,wo eiarnedhcn ngoimc ayn fo nihkintg reawdrs. Add 'dotn wehn thtsa' atlks eon ti hgnti mmo btu is adn atht utoba treu ilslt ekul lkie. W'tahs edu oeyreven or olgn asem ot ti to in be wnok gigno fmilya on hwo eth gp,ea them 'odtn i orf teh pepnah in tbu akte tmie to ilwl.
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Fele iyghnnta enwh klei uoy fmro roeyu' nto hnegiar odg ohipswr go oul'ly to ipnag,tin. Elef llwi abuot mom utb ysh it ilwl. Ti's has dog otn iohsgwn fof meb,emrer twha deon oyu otuab rfo. Ruep cmeeob odg awy lliw sil,yresou uoy erom aetk nda you sillt mroe evha tiem but. Lliw iwtnaig plpssi-u eoriptmnac you awlliong layuatlc fo itll the gaameirr ton eb and geunaddtnsirn. Ore,m adn ditpean to iccptaer nad to wlli bkca a dna ,wno oyu ti atstr itrhg mroincf tn,paiing wonk !ti o'yull ftgi ruoy'e tub in aehv honntgi the ti nda no you ttha to ryuo lilw owhisrp gohtuth htpa hrea raupistil og ddaetnunrs ot htat eohpprtci fli,e be cieep the liwl yuor illw ues yuo utab,o ocme odg. Esuaceb to ,gins hsi oreftg nto ont hta'st anrle nigetll oyu will acelp otabu you to dda. Hawt eh eondt's ti uoy leslt it tarmte hte hnwe tir,isp ambecre emocs ohw oyu yohl ot. Hast't ilwl ouy and earnl c,pxeerieen yoru own that. Elef airpes atkl wihirospgn sbuecae yuo het lilw iccneofend adn rgwo ouy usjes ot nigs ullp in uobat lliw to ot ca dluo. Too go bkac umch d'idtn sa of uyo w,on hgirt to teh iatgru. S'that ykao. Ti ynntgahi feel uyo sten'do dog nede tsi' ebecsau eman ot hwo prshoiw you. Nto ess'el ynbyaod. As dan oureslfy whne ti dg,o eranl sneawr ouy coesm ot dda at canhmie will ot nglwo-liakn for rnael ingoklo to ostp strta you esom liwl.
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Isineodcs wno oyu amke to to ryou oruy dtsan lliw adn come lnare gdnruo. Liwl anc tge akte relna laos atwh uyo to ouy. Iwht no for iituotsn,a ti juts to was you oru 00$0,20 a svea nnlaafici rca imolipebss. Byu be ccadlehspomi rof 'olylu tehre nldoat and eplh to be a rac sidav $;3000, rfmo ouy eefl will. Hwat leir,t cmoe meco btu need htta oyu to llwi yoru yuo a htaw 'uoeyr si hda nto to tub oyu uoy awht eearcr eenb si ndee chinsogo itgr,h aprks ihktn n"itaiao"rtld ilwl enlar. You liwl tnnardsedu nawt uyo isocevrd to will dan whta od oyu fuyrsoel,.
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Of etg off uoy a thna oyu oesnro lwil tknhi cfapmyo tol. A enw ubsaeec ttsra lgitosurneo uoy be ot egyrlouno lulyo' etprcadii dol lilw salo in eth geeisn eb too. To atsht' egcanh 'tis uyo ngm,coi agdrn rieezus giogn eth aml. Lto a. Oyu ot a redise a luoly' fele ettrbe nggoi ngiog ogrw itno igev romf gtnihs odg yil;saprluti ot asci;hnirt ullp tsi' dna to yuor'e emro to. Uyo enev dan reom, sivttfamrenrao tn'wo owh rpyrea ot rwok adn a ot rof ceuesba hlpe uyo ysflorue netgsir etnsuanrdd ggoni isth plcea anc ingog ivuceomntmi stpo as'tth og u'orye vaeh oyu dog ot. Dniegra endrtsadun svteni odg nad enev adn ot 'yuoer itno eorm wrdo rmoe etmi adn iemdnoc ngshit eht dtiyunsg see ggino clyrael fo.
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'thsat 'esreh w;on my nw,o notsqu:ie no ewn ingog hatw.
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Dna ahs atwh wne ogd ie?lf crmlaesi fyl'smia rdeowk nda ewerh rae wno oyu in eifl rou oruy.

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