A letter from Jun 20, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, It feels like all I've been feeling is nothing. Maybe I'm feeling a bit discouraged. I used to be so good at writing these types of letter whether it be on the computer or on paper, but I can't seem to get it out anymore. It doesn't help like it used to. Alex wasn't supposed to become the owner and since I thought he was completely out of the running I already applied for other jobs. But I guess he's in the running again. I'd love for him to be the owner and work for him, he knows what he's doing and is a great store manager I know he could do great things for that place. But what Dalton said a while ago never left my mind. He's right when he says that it's hard to believe that I don't have a "big dream" I'm working towards career wise, because maybe subconsciously I do have a big dream. Dalton is an engineer though, he's in Minnesota right now and he's only an intern. It means he's meeting high expectations and is doing great at it. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of him, but right now I miss him, maybe that's what's fogging my brain. I don't know. He said he was asked to stay another week, & maybe that really affected how I felt about the trip. Cameryn seems to know exactly what she wants, she's majoring in music and is transferring to Grace Christian University, she'll be living on her own for the first time. I always wanted to do that. I gave college a terrible shot. I don't even know if I ever made it to the end of the first semester, and even then I gave up. Mom & Dad think I passed only because I told them that, I paid for that semester so it doesn't bother me, but it would bother both of them if they knew I just dropped $730 on it. Especially with money problems now, we can barely make it. That's what it feels like. Sometimes I feel like a quitter. I want to quit my job now because I don't want to be another barista for the rest of my life, but what else is there? I can't make a decision to save my life. I need purpose. Back in January Andy preached about the Recipe for Joy and purpose was apart of it, I'll never forget, that lesson really spoke to me, the whole series did. Ever since then I've been looking for my purpose, of course he preached about it in a spiritual matter, I'm looking for my purpose in a career. My interest in careers has changed so I have quite the variety. Since 9th grade I thought I should have everything figured out and decided already. I wanted to be a cop back then, in 10th grade it changed to lawyer, 11th neurologist/surgeon, 12th business, now.... I don't know! The thing that makes me so afraid to share what I wanted/want to pursue as a career is that it feels so laughable. I barely graduated high school. I was a terrible student. I was never in class, skipping or pretending to be sick at home, I never did my homework, etc. I feel as if I have a right to tell myself that I could never be a lawyer or surgeon because how would I ever? I would never be able to actually go through with it. Now I don't see anything wrong with perusing the church as apart of my career, but it feels like nobody would be okay with that answer except Dad. I feel I'd be so judged for that. Dad says our time is coming, we'll have the money we need, we'll be able to help people more, and be influencers to so many people. Mom and Luke don't seem to like hearing about it anymore because they haven't seen anything happen. Dad has great faith which is obviously why he's finally being rewarded with such great things. But Dad has said so many times that he had to be patient, and I know I need to be too. I've been praying for an answer to all my issues but nothing is happening. I think I know why, but it's so hard for me. Pastor AC invited me and Mom to a worship painting class, I have to go tonight so I hope it helps put all this negative energy into something good. Help me get away for a while. He also asked me to help with visuals on Fridays and every other Friday be apart of the band and play guitar but I told him last week I'm just not comfortable with that. I haven't played regularly in a long time, and I've never played with a band. So, I asked him if I could sing and when I'm comfortable start playing with the band. But, I had told Sharon about it and Dad didn't know and said that I shouldn't sing and do the guitar instead. I don't want to be something just because other people say so. I don't want to have a "big dream" because Dalton said it's hard to believe that I don't have one, but there's a part of me that truly believes that Dalton is not the cause of that, he just relit a spark that had been long put out. I don't want to have to get a certain type of car because Dalton and Mom and Dad say so. I don't want to be told I need to do something different. I'm done trying to figure out if I'm good enough for everyone else. I want to finally be content with who I am, even if that means I need to do some self discovery. I'm saving up for a car right now, and all I want to do in this moment when I get one is drive it somewhere new. Somewhere I've never been, and be alone. But I think that's not good for me. I need to go with friends. Sienna wants to travel with a group and I'd love to. Maybe I can talk to her more about it. I want to get off Fycompa and finally see a new neurologist, and talk about getting off of all my medicine. I want doctors that listen to me. Because I know this could help my mental health. That's what's going on with past you, now I have a question: Did you ever figure any of this crap out?

Epilogue

4 months later

To answer this question quickly: Yes. We did figure some of it out.

Right now, you're not working for Alex. Honestly, Alex has grown to be a boss you don't...

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Upsoper uymhliti rafe + + utbod - ophe & ofnccednie =.
- icenofednc ropspeu timulyhi or + + oehp = eidrp agoerrcn(a useincterisi).
On tnxieay on'dt i o'eyur if of yuo ahev are,f onset have tem,h adn lal uppr)soe ,ysr(ro edri,p smgnisi. Hs(eyce, all etg dan i ohw w)onk up ghorthu lwli wiht to and naerl aklw oyj dgo ohste nreal ot it you ookc sngedietnir eoms.
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Oru i rwaserd of uyo uailptrsi hte weer ayn aer for ikhgnint nreihecadn het hawt this to ndrigea td'on neraso swa ulec nw,o lal taht vaeh igmcno. Dad utb adn sa'tht ertu htta it still newh ulek is atubo d'nto keli ntghi asklt eon mmo. Ni wlil to twhs'a imte fymlai onlg teak tod'n it the konw be ot to owh neveeryo hetm or in rof i mesa gepa, het appehn due iongg tub no.
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Odg mrof oswphir you'er rhgaien ont lefe yoll'u go anghytni to nitpngai, oyu lkei nwhe. Mmo wlil llwi lfee autob it yhs utb. Hwta orf tno hisowng off uyo odg t'is batuo node has rrbm,eeem. Erom you hvea eecmbo yresiuso,l take ubt emor dna ogd lilw uoy yaw erup tmei sitll. Lliw nad het ltaaycul tawigin ntpeamocir amaegrri fo uyo ognlwlia uilpss-p be tlil nnidgnuartdse ont. Ohutthg ahtt on naptdei nad it ahre !it kwon wsriohp oyu llwi emco ot ,feli to a eicep tgfi oyllu' eth adn og ilwl raudenndst hte and lilw to aoubt, eb rouy btu ,own ouy eus ietrcapc ti oyu ahpt kbca oury gdo nda yuero' ttah srtat ptruisial ,rmoe cpoithepr t,ipignna ni gthinno veah to wlil ghtir fcrniom. You ng,si nlrae tno add cpela ecbeaus tno shi wlli eofrgt uyo eilgtnl ot hs'tta to oautb. Ttrame eht he oyu piirst, nweh oyu it awht owh tdon'es ot ohly it eemcrba letls mocse. And st'hta yuo exenerepi,c royu enlra won tath ilwl. You esusj tbaou kalt het llpu and to flee rogw ihigrnsopw lliw ot ioenedcncf llwi aeusecb yuo ac gnis lodu ni to rpsaie. Gtraiu hrgit oyu bakc sa og o,nw het too ot ddt'ni umch fo. 'sttha ayok. Ot dog name is't how ouy eedn opwshri nesot'd buecaes uyo it yhaigntn efel. Tno ybadony sseel'. Ti -wngklaloni nda to ewnh dg,o dda artts relan sroeyful ot chnemia uyo as wnersa wlil to at eoms ofr lkoingo mecos nlear uoy otps wlil.
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Dan uryo to kema ot ouy ilwl nrale ssiecndoi antsd nwo uyor cmeo udogrn. Etg you eraln ot nca keat saol wlli tawh ouy. To uor esav tjsu mpssbilioe saw 200$00, uyo car a ti iwht for tno,aiisut nfacaiinl on. Hteer ybu lliw rac ehomidclpcsa adn leef ntoadl ot a for be lhep eb rmfo you idasv llyu'o 0;,003$. Irgth, need ahwt nrlae ende hicngsoo to omec ot ithnk atalii"d"rnot tno ouy uyo 'eryou hwta ,lerit eenb uoy is si oyu cemo eecarr utb a tub oryu pksra adh thta ahtw ilwl lwil. Ndtdsnreau uyo ot tawn what uoy you od lwli illw dan lusoe,fyr eidcvors.
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Uyo eoonrs get olt of lwil atnh a fof htnki yuo ofapycm. Giesne slao be ebucase ouy geyulrnoo ot oull'y a eht erpcitdia ogeusroinlt rtsta dlo ni wen eb wlli too. Dgran ieerusz cnaghe het ot a'tsht lma ncmgo,i tsi' ongig oyu. Lot a. I'ts pllu in;htsriac a oggin to gigon a rmoe nda efle u'olyl ginhst yuo ot ot wgor from y'rueo vieg dog rbetet ot itno eidres lstluyria;ip. Hwo euofysrl t'tsah ot owrk reisgnt yuo ogd ebcasue nda claep nac nretsdadnu for oyu umiictevnom og uoy ihts gnoig toevnfasairmrt leph to a to aehv r,moe yrepar enve psot ru'oey 'wont dna nggio. Ntoi adn eevn oingg ecllary rome hngtsi rdow neruantdsd gandeir nmcdoei o'eryu ogd mtie see the dan nvesit remo ot ngdsuiyt and fo.
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Gngio no ehres' ttah's i:nquoset hwta nwe my ow,n nwo;.
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Ni rea you sfm'ylia wehre uor dkeorw ahs athw lrcmaies adn lfei nwe own oruy god ilef? dan.

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