A letter from Nov 04, 2023

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, Sometimes things just work out like that. You get a reminder that it's been a year since you subscribed to futureme and realize you suddenly had a lot to say. Life is hard. Hikari isn't doing well, at 15 years old and no health problems you would think the cat would live forever, but suddenly she started dropping massive weight and she goes from slightly chunky and arthritic to nearly just skin and bones and it hurts your heart so badly. The vet says it's not serious, we can fix this, she still has a lot of life left. But still, I find myself crying regularly because I can't tell if she's alive for me or because she still wants to be living. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong choice, she shouldn't suffer because I don't want to say goodbye, but is it wrong of me to want her to go when she's healthier? Or at least not at the weight she is? I guess you don't really get to choose how you or your family goes, but she had been dieting for awhile now to help with the arthritis and she was always so food motivated that when it was time I always envisioned her getting to eat just about anything she would want, no one should have to die hungry and I was always worried she was afraid she wasn't going to get food one day so she ate whatever she could. Now, no matter what you offer her she barely touches it. She's still recovering from surgery, so maybe this is just the bad time before it gets better, I don't know. Anyway, one year ago you wanted to remind yourself that you did the best you could. I always told her she had to make it until I finished my PhD and she did just that, I hope I can return the favor to her. She's a good bad spoon. I know it's going to hurt when she does go, but I want her to be comfortable when it happens. Was it? Did we do the right thing? I could use a little guidance future me, please tell me I did the right things! A very scared past you.

Epilogue

5 days later

Dear PastMe,

I knew this was coming eventually, but it still hurt to read it and I knew I would cry when I saw the notification. It's only been a...

Dvylvii ewort memreerb i as isth eth dna i tbu ltils lenigfe yae,r rfea saw nortetm i. Uolcd i so ni ewer i hte wsih uhg yuo giitrnw tish eotnmm you.
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No slad,y poosn ogrlen si, su teh dba whit. I that ulfl or dna oure'y of to'wn ro say is't akyo si teh tath betre,t owrld lie niwarbso. Hso,eu qeiut hte het htrut oto ndruoa 'sti utiqe si. Hse's egarl, how hes yuo was itlnu a nego t'wno muhc thta iledfl jsut eohm aeizerl poysainlter lodu and the. .
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Artfe dab adys away ssap wlli reotw era three a isth nthom she smloat you eh,ada. Hknit dan reh seh seh enwh plsiybso iwehl oyu dan t'lnodcu geounh fede esol esat deos eedf veen hse ttah igwh,te uoy ehr. Lla eorv resnsgrpioo to yda er,h one can't lwos st'i i'ts yuo stal adb setday a forbee dna aseltibiz. Utb nesw its' bda all not. Doog, aer yuo sdya rehet tgofre sdya! ehss' utcalyal yding ogdo os. Pypah fsel she and sfithg erewh klei and etp saet meor and ot orlanm egt sady her uyo uyo dedludc erewh her sayd hse si. Cbak oyu dsya no eb gniht liwl you ti atth ahtt and wlli kool hotes okwn het igthr ddi.
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Aoyk 'ncta mi' egt tshi whti i onryallm htta ysa dan iehlw 'mi pphay ot ul'oly i hte hcneca atth, erad konw reven. Iwhs ouldc yuo irght ghnit ndigo i taht hte e'uyro esersaur i. Clqiuky esspsa ni pani and, oin,nipo ym eefr seh. And lilw salt teh dohl nsethtgr ndrki iwll tnhgi, hsit tlas aet, will eavh relfshe its' uo'yll tno wlil onwk otn rbeyal owkn nhgti si she itwh henw she eht she up, llu'yo veah ot eht erh uyo. .
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Ouy oyu ot he'ss teh askpe kya,o iemt obsen her 'louly act feel rouy dan you dan oanel cludo ti nad liwl elov tsela otn eusap ta will or ti swih ltle that rvey eb ehr. Atls eno ghenstrt tyr iemt the no hes hsa hse tnhe, ibt use to fo eyvre llwi nda bed pujm tasl. Montem isth ays ti hatt gdobyoe yuo to utb will iwth etmi the hse ugdo,rn st'i emka iraelze kistc to thta wton' ti's eht yad, kwsno neve oto omentm fof hes ouy. .
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Erl,ett ldga im' htsi you oerwt em tyleur. Saeresur teh is no to obatu hvea that vaeh yaw ynol taostniui i uoy teh rgtree i. Onhmt ieeorsmm emliifte ihtw deam you atsl eplsl,aiyec htat rhe a fo ni. Thikn you i eth fro kdsea to'nd orme anuicssctercm ldvoeu'c enivg. I sihw elevbie a seh nwat to ,edvlo ,oyu eswn ttha nkwe tub godo tetber ahd seh efli saw nad rfo i oto i adh. Fuoslyre eb eslaep drha dot'n on. Back ldocu adn htat lal on ingookl it, uoy idd idenleyift oyu rmoe.
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Efreuumt.