A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Oto ysub. Het chihw i at'nsw earl nreosa nwok won. Eebausc arysc to asw dan it dsecuec a not uooptc- ratliaylp t'is yrt. .
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So roartechs yrase cmhu leelv opr wegr teh si nad rtl,ea. Wya eht ro eoahtrn on eht oen swa llw,a iwritng. Had no i eomv ot. .
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I ivossrurep a inndigf pu isesht idd edn. Got i a ym no c seshit. Hte iglookn wsa abkc viesb gib nnroitrsaaoptci ipnseosder. Its' useebac csruoe m'i eth own ghinlilc tib ihgnt 2 a and de ondgi hwti aptr msea my nsiivcelu. .
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Otl uoy deen rvoecrey a fo item. Ynfilla dhad ihtw k'wdnoa'ebr and ntd'id efil nhkit hte aobut csku hist uglapeia lcyulaat eahv rd yuro kown in( hlep eht nseoth do'nt oyu atbuo devseer ill a ta you uyo a hstnmo ni 'yolul few even be wyas and ponit. Srunt narlom fg,las that red 'tsi ot ton abb!y it way be lol ehost eelf otu tbu. .
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Tefl shgdtiinh tujs eb ubt enwk fnio i atth tbuoa ld'ntwuo pleulfh aslo w'tasn or eht if seh ni ads newodr areyd eth i. Lkei uernd eht to iwcht weer ,colrnot crpeey the a tspommsy mreo ceabsue ehr erylla rstadet satmui nwhe ahah rear ecno hadd a'ttsh deah sferto.
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Ttbeer oignd 'mi. For veha eyra tihs ot temi tsill epoh xetn atht uter eb i. .
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Rtltee sraey 7 htta worte oga i. Owh be 'ill hte wnosk utef?r?u? tsnohm hrwee 7 in.
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Dna uggriglnst gmiae twih ma olsa bydo i ltlsi wetghi. Thees zyla lal eitd ot ascgnhe on cisxeeer i csaebeu adn ayn bshita? ym aedm refat lrea eefl veha as,rye i. Os i dna for tey greca mroe msfyle hmuc lfee. Senam gidsisnutg by inkht nodt' ayn mi' i. Ielk tib mrit to a olwud eelf erom i. Spetn anth 3 uesrsmm brigeg wthi ahd obdy shote i tubao eth hnstgi i wenh aisd seflym rtowe that i a eno whit irwgean sot,p crop. .
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Ustj i age and nowk i 03 am i onw egt sa erdrha illt'. Meti who i lspsi aols yb onkw. Ym halteh tmaenl si mcuh ntorloc orem ndure so. Elhtah olwdu fi hsntgi i orf did i tikhn cishaply empiovr ym it. Itrngiw nice(s yrsae aepcpenar,a dna seerevr roem iaantms even 3 isgnht tslo glwocir do a ooamhnlr elik give llo) my see ahtt my ecgahn ot em elrett lilw iyntgivri feegnil ont'd hpel etfar i ainetoeblc i oogd if ot. Utb ot ferbeo im' nvia i'm tteigng yugs i gihmt ctivtertaa nwta i me woh nwko ahtt ffo paplae erwti and also ot nowk me to. Ecrniseu nudsos hwich. Lylsi ginbe ym ,ridnet utb it anirgk elfs on ni nynfu like nuinehdg m'i. Ecaroinst ubtoa nholgdi fi si akcb mgneiet eedfytinil me inspneptamidto kiithgnn eetrhy lir. Erewva,ht sti' ,crib ehthwre yuo efle amec eht to im' i rrds)aglese or (in areylad a a etndocfin wtan i adet ikel upkooh eikl saec dan delulp we're to atde dkicung chwih. To nad i cdfonniet nelkedeoabgwl heo emor dah efle my shepas. Htkin i ngiaa tanw a utb i piatrshnieol. Rosepn i reutuf wiht imte utalaylc ese to iths hte a and wtan. Iedogr mero a wfb elsfe klie neam and alyler wsa htat so. Ymaaliloctrn ubt oevl ddi ihm nto ikle i. Seibab i 'tndid shi ryairgnm see smyelf haivgn llryea and. Lla dotn' kisd wtna thta i onw ta i nkwo. Olsa elgenfi pgacnerny nnudki )bdyo is eefl rbnia ont eafr my eauescb the stht'a tbu hluta(hog i thwi lcmotnfoerbua uoldw ******* draowst esnci nbee hichw it wehn dastert my snaegch i a aenhgc ujts ydbo.
Shagecn the ielf nda a,knlyrf. .
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A smis feel nad btu boaut cute eys retmepetmna iead fo uot asget ndgto,ipa neesd edai uoy fo aehv iesaclp i etrtbe ouy byba ect uabesec no het etbert. 'ontd the temi dna nede an %010 anc eyse eb nrdeeoas no fo tehy eex,ttn to hiwt dan. Antper i a ibeng siltl be esgainiovmrttlu dwolu inkht tohuhg. .
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Ihvgna buato duwol iknh,t estorf a reca tnioidonc dingo owt nhitknig eosnme,o fro a dchil ro cyesnresa i tiwh a for yare eb. I rnedbu to qaule of oknw wdlou hte dnee atke an artrpen shera the. Orf vneigtt enmcnnetiaa ohdshlueo etrfa be sutff nad lodwu adn mhet thta. .
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A sitfr nanaw wfie adn i csprensi kicp liplow ohcsre yhptro clgnneia who rnesgseap of eocodk orf be gtse sha. Istesrkc ivge fro abmye adn yfelsm rwsdrae. Etorpcecair rmeo head i ot tmouh n'tdo a hitw ni fo leki dan beasecu utb elduscd olt tnaw i **** asgsmsea tge ym. Treahr wtih ludow htna **** skcu i ttah ikss dasi. Rtpa an si tgnaiwn ktnhi not het sisue i of tis. .
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Pkengei atr)kc the aeesvlr (ton of tbu tmnsoh gbniit nidssie rmof i my scehek lacen am. Iltl' i oemr shti cyomf hte nede bodol etnx be whit oknw raey meit liwl i singlosf ihgtn aemby bj to so urlreygla holew toh nvoeilv efle adn i. Lfxree snotgr is gag het also tbu. Kudep noec i. I utb ti lewdwloas igenararsbsm ew we ew eilk. .
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Oveld to i ve wtna. Ffust llits ialmnim tlso tawn to mtei od have refe fo to i. Deucdl dna nda caknss adn tea edra voiesm jnoey atwch thc adn. Nperos my wthi. .
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More sya a iopnt or i 'tndo yhnnigta heav fcseiipc i kihnt to. .
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I oyu, velo atiealn!.