A letter from August 30th, 2017

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, I'm at a low point. Everything sucks and I want to die. But I don't want to **** myself because I want to go to Heaven, which sounds dumb but is actually a really sound reason and ensures I'm not actually going to do it. An illness would suck as well because it'd hurt. Aneurisms are quick and painless but unlikely to happen to me. I could have a heart attack but I'd have to make myself really fat first and I already feel disgusting enough. Plus I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse adn give people more reasons to look down on me. Which means I'm not going to die. Yet. But I feel like I've completely lost my ability to be motivated, to do things I need to- I've been putting off calling about my lost card for like a year. And putting off emailing potential thesis supervisors all summer. Yet now I'm supposed to be doing it since my mom told me to, and I'm still procrastinating. I had an audition for the Ottawa Pops Orchestra, of which I am Marketing Advisor, three days ago. After 4 years with the orchestra, I bombed my audition- even though I played fully through my exerpts, did the sight reading, and I didn't cry or puke. I got through my whole speech about how hard I've been working and that I've been improving. Felicia and Trevor's girlfriend were also on the panel. I know I didn't get in (like only 5% chance they'll let both Stefania and I be members, according to what Matt told me on the phone yesterday). I'm afraid of not having any friends. And I don't know if it's worth it to keep going. Especially with OPO. Should I quit? But the thing is, that means I'd lose even more face. I've already been embarrassed because these people are those I have to work closely with and some are my friends, and now it'll be awkward. Matt said I should record myself playing and send that if I think I can do a better job. That's how I know that when he said 'no decision has been made yet' he meant 'it's not official but it will be'. That's my only chance. But I won't do it. Because I don't think I'd actually be able to do a notably better job- not enough to make a difference. This way, at least, I have my dignity. I am glad that I didn't buy a new cello (even though maybe I would have sounded marginally better on an instrument not made of plywood). On audition day I climbed up on the ledge where the screen is broken and willed myself to jump out. I thought about just not doing my audition as an alternative. And saying that I was too busy this year. I kinda wish I had. And yesterday I cried A LOT like on the bus, on campus, the street, in the park, the shower, the car, my bed. Today I've cried in the elevator, the lobby, and my car in the garage. i feel like garbage. hope you're doing better.

Epilogue

over 6 years later

Yikes, girl!

Yeah I am fully doing better. I ended up getting conditionally accepted if I took lessons. . . I accepted at first but then decided I just felt...

Too syub. N'astw rnoase erla oknw nwo i eht cihhw. Dna eccsedu eausecb tno cysra to a upt-coo ti yrt was ltiyplraa 'sit. .
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Lleev rtela, hmuc rweg eht so aresrcoth serya rpo dan is. Torhaen the teh alw,l oen saw or giwrnti on ywa. I adh on ot emov. .
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End idd i ifnngid a ehists pu virsrpsueo. A c eissth otg i on my. Big pitnacioornrsat esinoerpds glkooni wsa eth back vbeis. My ames ptar onw s'ti ibt ebuaecs de uesorc doign thwi a gthni m'i 2 dan vlniuseci teh glnihicl. .
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You emti vyoecrre tlo ened of a. Fwe latauylc nwok bade'ko'wrn wthi eht neev eb egpualai dna uyo ryuo a in( hvea ta ouy nyaifll dna ahdd cusk desever wysa 'llouy hmsotn itsh elhp feli rd yuo onipt a abotu tbauo ni estnoh lil 'notd ddni't ikthn hte. Otn rnmalo heost be aby!b 'tsi dre llo to hatt efel ti wya trsnu tou ,sgafl tbu. .
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I about tlfe in nawts' ahtt teh salo eth ydaer btu i she tsju ontd'wul fi dihghtnsi ewnk oifn derown sda be eflhpul or. Her ocen uendr hadd mero ewnh tncor,ol lyarle htas't ctihw a head rfsoet lkei eeyrcp eth ecbuaes ahah trdesta ot yosptmsm iuamst het erwe raer.
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Etbert godin i'm. Ot lltsi rfo be i xtne erya emti true ohpe isht veha ahtt. .
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Eltetr rseay i taht goa 7 terow. Nohtsm eb ni ohw ksnow 7 li'l hewre urft?e??u hte.
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Ihtw i tguigslgnr dna am tills dyob amgei hgitwe oasl. Ot i ys,era lla veha nay thees exsireec edam ylaz and cebuaes my aihbst? aschgne i afert leef aelr no tdie. Ofr mfeysl umch so i and ety rceag meor flee. 'otnd by hknti eamsn im' dutnsiigsg any i. Ldouw bti emor elfe mrit a ikle i ot. Eon myfsle newh het idsa ptso, eusmsmr adh grgebi ahtn tihw rpco gainwer a nptse erwto 3 ybdo thwi taht tuoba i i theso gtisnh i. .
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Darerh wno jsut as gea 30 i and i am i teg l'til wonk. Pslsi hwo yb also imet wkno i. Is so tlhaeh etlnma clotron udern cmuh ym rmoe. Rvompei i ym rfo ahhlte wodul tgshni ti i fi knith salhicyp idd. Wilgocr ol)l htta me ot'nd ctoaeleibn ym esyra iekl rivtngyii lnfegie ees eevsrre rmohanol anhceg nda isamtan to otsl iegv gishtn od a taref nise(c i eltrte ogod eenv to if i 3 eomr leph my tingriw eeapcaa,prn illw. But hmtgi also i ot and ppeala nkow ot me i'm uysg i kwno niva ot gneitgt ttiatacevr m'i etwir that woh oebref twna em fof. Usndso recieuns hwhci. Ikel ilsly ym i'm e,ntdir heniudng in elfs egnib ti ynfnu on knriag tbu. Ighnldo tryehe ilr khiignnt tcesorina admtesoiinptpn tielidefny is em akbc fi eneimgt abuto. Hte i eewhrth adn oouhpk leki ealryad ee'rw cmae ot srslede)arg irc,b ouy ,vtheware csea si't awtn fele ikel or ot gcunkdi 'mi a a iwhhc i lpeudl tndcinofe dtae dtea i(n. Beganlewdloke hoe lefe ot fedonitcn ym i apsesh dah and orem. I kniht a tub epithnoasril anwt i ignaa. Wtna uutfer mtei nda ot i ese ihwt sthi a rsopne tlyaaclu teh. Bwf rmeo aenm allrye a atth so efesl swa irdeog nad ekil. Utb otn kile hmi did i oelv iamoynactllr. I avignh hsi in'tdd adn ebasbi ayrell agmirnyr ese feylms. Ta knwo nwo i i ahtt ksdi wnta all 'ondt. Cenis hciwh fera nto ym hitw necahg esueacb ******* ianrb tub hewn trsdate usjt kidnun a my oaswtdr i rfuaclomnoteb eth chgneas y)dbo efel i ti 'htsta hlagtou(h is eebn alos bdyo ifgeeln yrgcnpnae oduwl.
Cgsehan ylknr,af teh ilef and. .
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Uyo ptoagind, of adie i tbeetr yabb rmepentamte feel on eht of gtesa smsi eucbaes a uotba etuc dsnee tbu diae nda heva ascelpi uyo tetbre etc tou yes. Eb 00%1 etxent, of on ot yhet can dene the and esye htwi randoees dna miet dt'on na. Ougthh a taeprn doulw be htink agtsvlirniomuet i nebig ltisl. .
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Nhviag nicoitdon wot arye race ro ofr for i cildh nseercays be a hnitnikg a oesrft btoau ,nhtki onmes,oe wiht dniog a uwdol. Het ndee qulae hsera ot eth nkow pntrare i na wludo of urndbe kate. Nad taht uooehlhsd utffs eb aenietncmna tigvent rtfae for duolw meht nad. .
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Trphoy ifew a ehscor sesnpirc gassperne hwo naanw nnlgacie nda lwolip itfrs be sgte of kcip for ooekdc sah i. Srrdwae ofr nda gvei ymabe lfemys esristkc. Eldusdc otl a tomuh elik nad ni caeuseb asgaessm tge **** eadh emor ubt i nodt' twih twna ciceapeortr to i of ym. Ahtt lowud ksis sdai scuk rahret i hatn hiwt ****. Ont hnkit sit trap eht si of iwtngan i na eussi. .
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I btu mfro ancle ma k)trca nsthmo (ton biting revales my siiensd teh hcesek of peiekgn. Nad cmfyo euallyrgr hwti aybem gtihn bj vevlion shit ayer the i i mite emro os elfe eden hto entx lwil i bodol wnok ohlew ot be fnisslgo lil't. Freelx eht tub gga si osla trgons. I noec dekup. Btu ti we ew aaisrrnemsgb lowdeswal we i lkei. .
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Ot voedl ev i atnw. Mniilma imet i aevh to isltl fufst lsot fo ot awtn do eerf. Thc ncasks dcueld nda vmeiso jenoy nad dera wctha adn dna aet. My tiwh srpone. .
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I oitnp ro ot gtniyanh eorm o'dtn a hvae i sya sfiicpec hkitn. .
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I eovl ,yuo elnti!aa.